Nurses' Ball 2016 Day 1: Mic Drop

      Because a little Nina with a microphone on the Nurses' Ball Red Carpet is a dangerous thing...

     METROCOURT ROOM

      EMMA: Is it time for us to pretend to watch the Nurses' Ball yet, Mommy?
      ROBIN:  Just about.   Too bad Daddy is stuck in Genoa City pretending to be some guy named Billy.   Oh well, I had to miss the Nurses' Ball last year because I was AGAIN being held captive by Cassdines, so I guess this year it's his turn.  

     
      RED CARPET

       DONNIE SHELDON:  Joining us on the Red Carpet this year, for some reason, is Editor-In-Chief of Crimson magazine, Nina Reeves.  
       NINA:  Hi camera!   It's me, Nina.   I'm on the red carpet.  Look, it's AH-na Devane, the ex-commish who's now a criminal!   Tell me, AH-na, is orange the new black?  
       ANNA:  It's ANNA, dammit.  ANNA!!! 
       NINA:  That went well.  

     
       BACKSTAGE

        AMY:  I'm SUPER psyched to be onstage this year.  Like O to the MG, I'm going to be star of the show.  Remember when The Britch showed up ON STAGE at the Nurses' Ball, PREGGERS???   And IT WASN'T EVEN HER BABY!!   And LAST YEAR, Ric Lansing proposed to Elizabeth and CARLY outed him for hiring Hayden Barnes--I mean RACHEL BERLIN to be Jake Doe's--I mean JASON MORGAN'S fake wife!  
        LIZ:  OMG, my ears are bleeding!   Please make it stop and give that girl a muzz--kerPLUNK!
       FRANCO:  I'll save you, Elizabeth, because I'M YOUR HERO!  
        LIZ:  You are?    

     
      METROCOURT

      CARLY:  I mean it, Obrecht!   No opening number shenanigans this year or I'll have you forcibly removed from the stage.  
       DR. OBRECHT:  How predictable do you sink I am, Mrs. Corinsos?   Seizing control of ze opening number is, as you Americans say, SO last year.
      CARLY:  AND the year before.  

    
      AVA'S PENTHOUSE

      KIKI:  What's the service hedgehog still doing here? 
      AVA:  Hello!  He's intercepting dead birds.   Why else would I let him saw a log cabin on my couch every night?  
      SCOTT:  Is that a way to treat your service lawyer hedgehog dead bird wrangling date for this shindig? 
      AVA:  Considering last year at this time even I thought I was dead, attending the social event of the year with a snoring hedgehog is a step up. 


      RED CARPET

      DONNIE:  Here is Prince Nikolas Cassadine...
      NINA:  And RACHEL BERLIN!   You know, daughter of the Raymond that EVERYBODY HATES!   So, where's your SECRET STASH of Daddy's cash?  
      HAYCHEL:  Go to hell.  
      NIKOLAS:  Now that's not very Cassadine Royalty of you, Haychel.   Smile and say you're sorry.   I'll have you know, Donnie, that my wife has PLENTY of secret stashes.   Of what, nobody knows!  
     

      BAR AT METROCOURT

     ANDRE:  They say "Physician heal thyself".  I hope that applies to shrinks because, Jordan, I have a bad case of lovin' you. 
     JORDAN:  As long as it's just me and not Anna too.   Two's company, Andre.  Three's a crowd.
     ANDRE:  But Three IS Company.   Come and knock on our door.   We've been waiting for you...

    
   BACKSTAGE

     LUCAS:  Why is Brad here, Mom.   That's bad luck.  Now something bad WILL happen.
     BRAD:  What could happen?   You accidentally marry Felix instead?   By the way, please don't do that.
     LUCAS:  Do what?
     BRAD:  Marry Felix by mistake.  
     FELIX:  I ain't NOBODY'S mistake.   Chill out, boys!  It's your wedding day.   Be happy!  Be gay!  
     LUCAS & BRAD:  We'll pretend we didn't hear that.    

 
     HOSPITAL

     MAXIE:  Griffin, you need to release Nathan NOW because it's the Nurses' Ball and I can't fly solo on the red carpet.    
     GRIFFIN:  Sorry, no can do.   Head injury and all.  
     MAXIE:  Fine, then YOU be my date.  
     GRIFFIN:  I'm a priest.  Priests don't date. 
     MAXIE:  Fine, be my ESCORT.  
     GRIFFIN:  That's even worse!  (checks phone and sees text from Emma).  On second thought, what the hey?  

   
   RED CARPET

    NINA:  Kiki Zherome, don't you look lovely tonight.  
    KIKI:  Thanks.   This is super awkward, sharing a date with my MOM! 
    NINA:  By mom, she means Homewrecker Extraordinaire Ava Zherome who slept with MY LATE EX HUBBY SILAS. 
    AVA:  Someone put a gag order on that woman!   Prepare to hand Avery over, CARLY! 
    CARLY:  We'll see about that.  I'm about to take a little field trip.  
    NINA:  Look, here's my AMAZEBALLS assistant Maxie Jones with a man who isn't my brother! 
    MAXIE:  That's because your brother is still recovering from being hit in the head with a rock thrown by Carrrrrrrrlos and I'm standing with the man who's keeping him in the hospital to heal his wounds.   Oh, and he's also a priest, so Nathan has no reason to be jelly.
   

     BALLROOM

    EMMA:  Grandma Anna!   
    ANNA:  Emma?   Am I seeing things again?  I'm I still in the freezer on the docks?  Is Duke going to pop out of that curtain next?  How come I'm not freezing my arse off?  
    EMMA:  Grandma Anna, you said the British word for ---
    ROBIN:  O-kay, Emma, now can you tell me where this Griffin guy is?   Hi Mom.   Sorry I'm not Duke.   I have been in some hallucinations lately, though.  Just ask Jason.  


    RED CARPET

      DONNIE:  Here is former mob hitman who, rumor has it, is just now remembering ALL of his past and here's his ex-wife Sam.   So, are you the happiest divorced couple EVER or what?  
      SAM:  Have you seen my parents? 
      JASON:  I remember the Nurses' Ball.   It's all coming back to me now.  Every single number.   I'm starting to wonder if my brain can hold all this information I'm remembering.  
    
   
   AVA'S PENTHOUSE

     CARLY:  It's time to play detective.   Now if I were a flash drive with a murder confession on it, where would I hide?   Sock drawer?   Bra drawer?  Cocktail shaker?  BINGO!   You're going DOWN, Ava Jerome.   Carly C does it again!   Crap, is that the door?   No, I guess it isn't.   Time to get back to the ball and bring Ava to her KNEES!  


   RED CARPET

      DONNIE:  Here is the woman who inspired the "Sorry Your House Exploded" t-shirts at the Sad Robe Store, Elizabeth Webber and on her arm is serial killer-turned art therapist, the one-named Franco!   What an odd pairing these two. 
      NINA:  I'll say.  
      LIZ:  Holy CRAP I'm wearing the same dress as HAYCHEL!  
      MAXIE:  You SO wore it better, but yeah, I'll find you something else.   
      NINA:  Twinsies!   
      HAYCHEL:  Could this infernal Nurses' Ball GET any worse?  
      NIKOLAS:  You're going DOWN, Jason Morgan.   NOBODY sics the IRS on a Cassadine.   Do you KNOW who I share DNA with?  
      ROBIN:  Oh NOES!   Two of my best friends hate each other's guts.   What am I gonna DO?  Whose side am I on?  

   
     
     BALLROOM

     EMMA:  Griffin, you're WAY too cute to be a priest.  
     GRIFFIN:  God doesn't think so.   He called me and I answered.  But that doesn't mean I can't play Cowboys and Neurosurgeons with you, kiddo.  

 
    BACKSTAGE

     CARLY:   Where's the murder confession?  What the---OMG!  This is even BETTER!    Carly Corinthos's Nurses' Ball Whistleblowing Streak is about to claim another victim! 

   
    BALLROOM

      LUCY:  Let the 2016 Nurses' Ball BEGIN! 
      GH STAFF:  NURSES!   We not gonna do that same old song from '14 and '15, that'd just be wrong.  We're bringin' on the new which means we're rappin' 'cuz the old song made everybody start nappin'.  NURSES!   We're name droppin' GH history 'cuz we got a motormouth newbie tryin' to create buzz.  
      AMY:  Amy Driscoll's my name.  Port Chuckles gossip's my game.   I'm finally on stage because stage crew's just lame.   The writers named me after Amy Vining.  People say I'm obnoxious, but they're just whining.  
      EPIPHANY:  I'm Nurse Johnson and Magic Milo's my man.   I always got my wits when the sh(*% hits the fan.   I don't take no crap from the Mad Teutonic.   She really needs to work on her English phonics.  
      ANDRE:  I'm the sexy shrink who makes women drool.  Jordan is a cop who likes to play by the rules.   Sometimes my heart feels divided and it drives me insane 'cuz I have myself a crush on Anna Devane.  
      FELIX:  Felix DuBois knows a thing or two about how to turn Brad Cooper into a better dude.  Now he's marrying Lucas and I'm his best man.   Lucy Coe will do the honors like only she can. 
      BRAD:  I'm Brad Cooper and I run the GH lab.  Your blood gets sent to me after you get a jab.  I used to be a sleazeball and I used to have a wife.   I divorced Rosalie and I'm about to change my life.
      BOBBIE:  I'm Bobbie Spencer and I guess I'm still a nurse.   I started feeling funny and now I feel worse.   When this number is over and they say that's a wrap I'm gonna go backstage and have myself a nap!  
     EVERYONE:  NURSES!
     
  
        METROCOURT BROOM CLOSET

     DR. OBRECHT (tied up and gagged)  ERDERVERSS!  ERDERVERSS!  ERVER MERNERN ER GRERT YER!   SMER ERN WHERT, CLERN ERN BRERT, YERL BER HERPER TER MERT MER!   

      
      BACKSTAGE

    BOBBIE:  I was so not kidding when I said I needed a nap.  Now if only I could find a so--(collapses)