I'd like to send a shout-out to my most loyal reader, Sonya, for inspiring this list. In the comments for last week's shows, we were talking about how much fun it is to write parody dialogue for Spinelli. He is among many of the most spoofable citizens of Port Chuckles. This is not necessarily a list of my favorite GH characters, though many of my faves are on this list, but a list of the characters that are the most fun to send up in my recaps.
1. Dr. Obrecht: The accent puts her on top of my list and her role as GH Gestapo/Chief of Staff/Mad Scientist gives me loads of material. There hasn't been nearly enough of Liesl on GH lately, and therefore a little less hilarity here.
2. Franco: The Roger Howarth incarnation of Franco, with a heavy infusion of Todd Manning is a riot to spoof.
3. Spinelli: He has his own language and way of speaking: The more words to express one thought, the better.
4. Helena: The glamorous she-devil also has a manner of speaking that is all her own. If only she and Spinelli could share one scene. What a linguistic coup that would be!
5. Heather: Franco's mother and BLT afficionado Heather Webber fell out of the loony tree and hit every branch on the way down.
6. Nina: Her boarding the Whackadoo Express last October was what inspired this blog.
7. Jake: He doesn't know who the hell he is. He wears pads for bandages. He steals little Chinese figurines. He had a RoboGoon microchip in his brain that was implanted on the orders of Helena and/or Victor Cassadine. He has three women obsessed with him. 'Nuff said.
8. Ava: She may not be as over-the-top kooky as some of the other characters on this list, but she's had her moments, such as arranging the Great Jailbreak of 2015, eavesdropping on her own memorial service, and being on the receiving end of Nina's Needles of Badness.
9. Carrrrrrrrrlos: Grease Monkey #1 is one of the more entertaining mob goons, that's for sure.
10. Maxie: The president of the Port Chuckles OMG sorority (Lulu is the vice president), she's always finding hilariously soapy ways to screw up her life.
Monday, March 16, 2015
The Minion Of My Enemy...
Sonny is not impressed by Kotex Jake and issues a warning to him after he learns Jake is working for Julian. Nathan calls Anna out on putting Jordan's life in danger to get back at Duke. Duke tells Jordan to kill Julian, or else. Carly trades zingers with Ric at the MetroCourt. Liz and Patrick and Sam and Julian talk about--who else?--Jake. Sabrina and Carlos talk, but, thankfully, no mention of Jake.
CARLY'S HOUSE
SONNY: So, Kotex-Headed Ex-Cassadine RoboGoon, what are you doing sniffing around my woman?
JAKE: By "Your Woman" you mean Carly, right? All these women lusting after me--it isn't easy to keep track of them all, even with the Kotex LadyTracker Device on my head. I'm getting so many mixed messages the device is sending me error messages. I was better off with the Rich Old Lady Chip in my head. At least the estrogen levels were lower.
SONNY: Can't help you there, man, but I have to admit I'm a little jealous. It used to be that all the women in this town couldn't get enough of ME! I'm not ready to pass that torch yet.
JAKE: By the way, I got a new job. I'm working for one Julian Jerome.
SONNY: You're DEAD TO ME, Kotex Boy! Julian may have been my prison wife, but he's back to being my WORST ENEMY and the minion of my enemy is also my enemy.
JAKE: Dude, relax! I'm just going to clean up the bloodstains and scrub some toilets.
SONNY: That's what they all say. Just watch your back because you just may have to die.
CARLY: What the????
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: What do you women find so irresistible about this Jake dude? Seriously, I put a maxi pad shaped bandage on his head for a reason and it seriously failed in its mission to freak his harem out. As a matter of fact, I think it backfired.
LIZ: But the maxi pad makes him more sympathetic to us ladies, like he knows what we go through each month.
PATRICK: Why didn't I think of that? I should have given him a tarantula-shaped bandage instead.
LIZ: But I would see through that tarantula. Jake is a troubled soul who needs fixing and I love a good fixer-upper.
PATRICK: So I've heard.
METROCOURT
RIC: Need. Liquour. Now.
CARLY: Do I smell a Ric?
RIC: Carly. Always a pleasure. NOT! Vodka me. NOW!
CARLY: What's got your unmentionables tied in a knot?
RIC: Jake "Da Fake" Doe. I mean, you know that can't be his real name.
CARLY: Great, another person who's drinking the Jake Haterade.
RIC: He cost me my Elizabeth. She broke up with me over a guy who doesn't even know his own name. Have I lost my touch? Never mind. Wrong person to ask.
CARLY: If Elizabeth finally found a brain and dumped your ass, good for her.
RIC: Now she's moved on to the object of your lust, Mr. No Name who tried to blow up a boat. You've always been a woman of taste, Carly.
CARLY: If you must know, Mr. Panic Room, I'm not into Jake that way. We're just friends. With an occasional benefit or two. I love Sonny now.
RIC: You've never been able to love just one man, Carly, and you know it.
ANNA'S ROOM
ANNA: Nathan, do you happen to know who Sloane's mole is?
NATHAN: Hell if I know. The dude hates our guts and doesn't tell us anything because he suspects we're still loyal to you. He's right, of course.
ANNA: Jordan suspects that Duke and Sonny are onto her.
NATHAN: So, pull her off the case. It's not worth risking her life to get back at Duke for going mobular on you.
ANNA: You're right. I've changed into a vengeful woman who would put someone's life on the line for the sake of my vendetta. OMG, I have become Liesl Obrecht! No offense, Nathan.
NATHAN: None taken. I know what my mother is capable of. So how are we going to save Jordan from Sonny & Duke?
ANNA: Good question.
KELLY'S
DUKE: Jordan, kill Julian Jerome.
JORDAN: Say WHAAAAAAAT?
DUKE: You heard me. Julian is the enemy and he needs to be eliminated. Will you do it?
JORDAN: Why the hell do you want ME to off the guy. Isn't Shawn the designated heavy for this organization.
DUKE: Shawn can't shoot straight, but that's beside the point. You worked for the Jeromes and you must know the best way to take him out.
JORDAN: This is a test. I know Shawn sold me out to you and Sonny and you're trying to prove I'm not a cop.
DUKE: Kill Julian or else.
JORDAN: Fine.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
CARLOS: Sabrrrrrrrina, querida, how's things?
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrlos, I'm so glad you made bail. What are you doing here?
CARLOS: Spying for Julian.
SABRINA: But you killed his sister!
CARLOS: Bygones! That's the way it goes in the mob business, querida. Are you okay with testifying at my trial? You can throw me under the bus, no hard feelings. I just don't want to get you in trouble.
SABRINA: That is very nice of you, Carrrrrrrlos, but I don't want to send you to jail either. Gotta go to work. I got a job as a nanny of the baby I sorta tried to kill but then changed my mind because you told me she ran me off the road and killed Gabriel. Ironic, isn't it?
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
SAM: So you'll hire Jake as your minion?
JULIAN: You're my daughter and I just can't jeopardize our tenuous family connection by saying no to a former Cassadine goon who tried to kill you but took your phoenix thingy instead. Smart move on his part. Be careful with the guy, by the way. His goon experience can backfire on you.
SAM: I'm not dating the guy. He's just a friend. Patrick's my main squeeze now. You can't possibly have a problem with me dating a brain surgeon, can you?
JULIAN: Can't argue with that one. I'd take a brain surgeon for my daughter over a mobster-in-training any day. It's a no-brainer. Pun intended.
SAM: I'll always miss Jason. Even though he would have hated your guts because you were a rival mobster to Sonny. Thanks again, Dad.
ANNA'S ROOM
JORDAN: Huge problem. Duke told me to kill Julian Jerome.
CARLY'S HOUSE
SONNY: So, Kotex-Headed Ex-Cassadine RoboGoon, what are you doing sniffing around my woman?
JAKE: By "Your Woman" you mean Carly, right? All these women lusting after me--it isn't easy to keep track of them all, even with the Kotex LadyTracker Device on my head. I'm getting so many mixed messages the device is sending me error messages. I was better off with the Rich Old Lady Chip in my head. At least the estrogen levels were lower.
SONNY: Can't help you there, man, but I have to admit I'm a little jealous. It used to be that all the women in this town couldn't get enough of ME! I'm not ready to pass that torch yet.
JAKE: By the way, I got a new job. I'm working for one Julian Jerome.
SONNY: You're DEAD TO ME, Kotex Boy! Julian may have been my prison wife, but he's back to being my WORST ENEMY and the minion of my enemy is also my enemy.
JAKE: Dude, relax! I'm just going to clean up the bloodstains and scrub some toilets.
SONNY: That's what they all say. Just watch your back because you just may have to die.
CARLY: What the????
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: What do you women find so irresistible about this Jake dude? Seriously, I put a maxi pad shaped bandage on his head for a reason and it seriously failed in its mission to freak his harem out. As a matter of fact, I think it backfired.
LIZ: But the maxi pad makes him more sympathetic to us ladies, like he knows what we go through each month.
PATRICK: Why didn't I think of that? I should have given him a tarantula-shaped bandage instead.
LIZ: But I would see through that tarantula. Jake is a troubled soul who needs fixing and I love a good fixer-upper.
PATRICK: So I've heard.
METROCOURT
RIC: Need. Liquour. Now.
CARLY: Do I smell a Ric?
RIC: Carly. Always a pleasure. NOT! Vodka me. NOW!
CARLY: What's got your unmentionables tied in a knot?
RIC: Jake "Da Fake" Doe. I mean, you know that can't be his real name.
CARLY: Great, another person who's drinking the Jake Haterade.
RIC: He cost me my Elizabeth. She broke up with me over a guy who doesn't even know his own name. Have I lost my touch? Never mind. Wrong person to ask.
CARLY: If Elizabeth finally found a brain and dumped your ass, good for her.
RIC: Now she's moved on to the object of your lust, Mr. No Name who tried to blow up a boat. You've always been a woman of taste, Carly.
CARLY: If you must know, Mr. Panic Room, I'm not into Jake that way. We're just friends. With an occasional benefit or two. I love Sonny now.
RIC: You've never been able to love just one man, Carly, and you know it.
ANNA'S ROOM
ANNA: Nathan, do you happen to know who Sloane's mole is?
NATHAN: Hell if I know. The dude hates our guts and doesn't tell us anything because he suspects we're still loyal to you. He's right, of course.
ANNA: Jordan suspects that Duke and Sonny are onto her.
NATHAN: So, pull her off the case. It's not worth risking her life to get back at Duke for going mobular on you.
ANNA: You're right. I've changed into a vengeful woman who would put someone's life on the line for the sake of my vendetta. OMG, I have become Liesl Obrecht! No offense, Nathan.
NATHAN: None taken. I know what my mother is capable of. So how are we going to save Jordan from Sonny & Duke?
ANNA: Good question.
KELLY'S
DUKE: Jordan, kill Julian Jerome.
JORDAN: Say WHAAAAAAAT?
DUKE: You heard me. Julian is the enemy and he needs to be eliminated. Will you do it?
JORDAN: Why the hell do you want ME to off the guy. Isn't Shawn the designated heavy for this organization.
DUKE: Shawn can't shoot straight, but that's beside the point. You worked for the Jeromes and you must know the best way to take him out.
JORDAN: This is a test. I know Shawn sold me out to you and Sonny and you're trying to prove I'm not a cop.
DUKE: Kill Julian or else.
JORDAN: Fine.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
CARLOS: Sabrrrrrrrina, querida, how's things?
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrlos, I'm so glad you made bail. What are you doing here?
CARLOS: Spying for Julian.
SABRINA: But you killed his sister!
CARLOS: Bygones! That's the way it goes in the mob business, querida. Are you okay with testifying at my trial? You can throw me under the bus, no hard feelings. I just don't want to get you in trouble.
SABRINA: That is very nice of you, Carrrrrrrlos, but I don't want to send you to jail either. Gotta go to work. I got a job as a nanny of the baby I sorta tried to kill but then changed my mind because you told me she ran me off the road and killed Gabriel. Ironic, isn't it?
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
SAM: So you'll hire Jake as your minion?
JULIAN: You're my daughter and I just can't jeopardize our tenuous family connection by saying no to a former Cassadine goon who tried to kill you but took your phoenix thingy instead. Smart move on his part. Be careful with the guy, by the way. His goon experience can backfire on you.
SAM: I'm not dating the guy. He's just a friend. Patrick's my main squeeze now. You can't possibly have a problem with me dating a brain surgeon, can you?
JULIAN: Can't argue with that one. I'd take a brain surgeon for my daughter over a mobster-in-training any day. It's a no-brainer. Pun intended.
SAM: I'll always miss Jason. Even though he would have hated your guts because you were a rival mobster to Sonny. Thanks again, Dad.
ANNA'S ROOM
JORDAN: Huge problem. Duke told me to kill Julian Jerome.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Meh
Yesterday's show was just kind of boring, so the recap will be short and sweet.
METROCOURT
SLOANE: I'm too sexy for this towel anyway. What sez you, Anna?
ANNA: You're a skeeze and I need some brain bleach now. You can forget about working together.
KELLY'S
TJ: Hi Mom. Sure is good to see you and Shawn working on the same side.
JORDAN: Fingers crossed behind back. Yes, it sure is.
SHAWN: Wouldn't have it any other way. To himself Wait until she finds out I sold her out to Duke and Sonny...
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: So what are we going to do about Jordan? Before we off her, we need proof that she's a rat.
DUKE: We need a foolproof test of loyalty. I've always wanted to rid the world of Julian Jerome...
CARLY'S HOUSE
CARLY: So Jake, what's the deal with you and Elizabeth? You know she likes to play hard to get, right?
JAKE: What's it to you? Are you jealous?
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
SAM: Can you give Jake a job?
JULIAN: The guy who took you hostage and planted a bomb on a boat you were supposed to be on? Sure, why not?
CARLY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Didn't know Carly had company. Do you know you've got a maxi pad taped to your head? Must have been some brain surgery.
JAKE: Nice to meet you too. I'm Jake Doe.
KELLY'S
DUKE: Hey Jordan, will you do me a favor and kill Julian Jerome?
METROCOURT
SLOANE: I'm too sexy for this towel anyway. What sez you, Anna?
ANNA: You're a skeeze and I need some brain bleach now. You can forget about working together.
KELLY'S
TJ: Hi Mom. Sure is good to see you and Shawn working on the same side.
JORDAN: Fingers crossed behind back. Yes, it sure is.
SHAWN: Wouldn't have it any other way. To himself Wait until she finds out I sold her out to Duke and Sonny...
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: So what are we going to do about Jordan? Before we off her, we need proof that she's a rat.
DUKE: We need a foolproof test of loyalty. I've always wanted to rid the world of Julian Jerome...
CARLY'S HOUSE
CARLY: So Jake, what's the deal with you and Elizabeth? You know she likes to play hard to get, right?
JAKE: What's it to you? Are you jealous?
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
SAM: Can you give Jake a job?
JULIAN: The guy who took you hostage and planted a bomb on a boat you were supposed to be on? Sure, why not?
CARLY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Didn't know Carly had company. Do you know you've got a maxi pad taped to your head? Must have been some brain surgery.
JAKE: Nice to meet you too. I'm Jake Doe.
KELLY'S
DUKE: Hey Jordan, will you do me a favor and kill Julian Jerome?
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Who Wants To Raise Avery?
Apparently half of Port Chuckles wants a piece of Crypt Baby. After overhearing Michael offer Sabrina the job of the wee one's nanny, Kiki goes berserk and tries to convince her uncle Julian to fight for custody. Meanwhile, Ava refuses to let Silas consider Avery as a bone marrow donor and wishes he would raise Avery with Kiki. Jordan's cover is in danger of being blown and she wants out before she ends up on the wrong end of a gun. Jake, who Spinelli mistakes for Jason, asks Sam to put in a good word for him with Julian.
SECRET GREEN HAND-WRINGING ROOM
SILAS: Good news, Ava. There may be a way to save your life. All you have to do is agree to let Avery be poked by a needle.
AVA: No way, no how! I will NOT have bone marrow cut out of my baby girl!
SILAS: To be fair, they don't CUT it out. The use a giant needle to suck it out.
AVA: No giant needles either. I'd rather die than have Avery suffer to save my life. I hate that Michael and Sonny are playing tug-of-war over her and that Michael named her AJ. AJ! Here's an idea, Silas. YOU raise Avery. You and Kiki.
SILAS: Kiki decided not to pursue custody. Besides, Kiki and I are up the creek without a paddle competing against the Quartermaines, with all of their money and power and Quartermaine-ishness.
AVA: So, let Julian fight the battle. He's the better gangster anyway.
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: Sabrina, will you be AJ's nanny?
SABRINA: Ummmm...okay.
KIKI: Over my dead body will that baby-killing psycho be my little sister's nanny.
MICHAEL: Who invited you here?
KIKI: I brought something for Avery.
MICHAEL: It's AJ and she doesn't need anything from you. Now apologize to Sabrina for calling her a psycho.
KIKI: Like hell I will. She gave my mother bad medicine to make her go into premature labor so Avery would DIE just like her dead baby.
SABRINA: But...I tried to stop her and I said I was sorry.
KIKI: SORRY isn't good enough, babykiller. Avery would be much better off with her REAL family.
MICHAEL: Like her two parents who are murderers? Sabrina made a mistake and she regrets what she did. SONNY never admits when he's wrong, SO THERE!
PIER
SHAWN: Jordan, remember when I suspected you were a cop? I still do.
JORDAN: This again? Seriously, Shawn, could you repeat that one more time just in case I didn't hear you the first 5287 times?
SHAWN: Prove you're not a cop.
JORDAN: Check my phone.
SHAWN: After you've covered your tracks? No thanks.
JORDAN: Fine, then go running to Sonny and Duke and tell them you're sleeping with the enemy. I dare you.
SHAWN: Watch me.
HOSPITAL:
SPINELLI: Stone Cold! Jason is alive! Long Live Jason!
JAKE: Come again?
SPINELLI: Deepest apologies, sir. Your butt looked just like that of my dearly departed best friend.
JAKE: Oooooookay. Who are you?
SPINELLI: Spamien Dinelli.
CARLY: He means Damien Spinelli.
JAKE: Nice to meet you. I'm Jake Doe. At least I'm going with that name because I haven't the foggiest idea what my real name is. You know, amnesia and all.
SAM: Hey, Spinelli, let's go get some jello in the cafeteria.
JAKE: Actually Sam, I kinda needed to chat with you, in private.
CARLY: I'll wrangle Spinelli for you, Sam.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
CARLOS: Jules, man, we gotta kill Lavery
JULIAN: There has to be another way. My main squeeze might frown upon the killing part. She might withhold sex.
CARLOS: How else are we going to take over this town. That's what you wanna do, right?
JULIAN: Can't we just set fire to his kilt collection? Oh, that's the door. It's Kiki. Get lost.
SONNY'S APARTMENT
DUKE: Some stuff went down on the pier yesterday. Julian and his goons started moving their shipments through our pier.
CLEAN SHAVEN SONNY: Did you take care of business?
DUKE: We fired off a few shots before Anna came sniffing around.
SONNY: How did Anna know? Someone tip her off?
DUKE: That's the theory. The question is, who?
HOSPITAL
JAKE: Sam, can you help me get a job with your dad?
SAM: You want to work for Julian Jerome? After all you went through being Helena's RoboGoon you want to be a goon for the Jeromes?
JAKE: My resume kinda sucks, I have no car, no social security number, so the job market's slim pickings for me.
SAM: I'll see what I can do.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
KIKI: Uncle Julian, we have a problem. Michael hired that baby killer Sabrina Santiago to be Avery's nanny. She gave Mom the premature labor pills. Avery is not safe. You HAVE to fight for custody.
JULIAN: Look, Kiki, I get that you're worried about your little sis, but the judge decided against one gangster to raise Avery, so what makes you think he'd choose another?
KIKI: YOU wouldn't have to raise her yourself. I could, with my dad's help.
JULIAN: I'll consider it.
KIKI: OMG, Uncle Julian, you're the BESTEST! Thank you!
CARLOS: So, you still want to let Lavery roam the face of the earth?
JULIAN: Nah, let's off him.
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: Sabrina, don't let Kiki get to you.
SABRINA: I can't do this. She called me a psycho.
MICHAEL: She's a hypocrite who thinks AJ would be better off with a person who ACTUALLY murdered someone.
SABRINA: But I did try to send Ava into premature labor. For, like 5 minutes.
MICHAEL: And then you told her not to take the pills and you apologized to her. AJ's fine. You didn't kill anyone. Now will you PLEASE take the job so I don't have to hire one of those agency nannies?
SABRINA: Oh, fine, I'll do it.
PIER
JORDAN: Shawn's onto me. I'm screwed. Let me out of this stupid undercover thing already.
ANNA: If you blow your cover, you put your life in danger.
JORDAN: If they find out anyway, my life's still in danger. What's the diff?
ANNA: There is still some strategizing to do. We're THIS close to stopping organized crime in this town.
SECRET GREEN HAND-WRINGING ROOM
SILAS: Good news, Ava. There may be a way to save your life. All you have to do is agree to let Avery be poked by a needle.
AVA: No way, no how! I will NOT have bone marrow cut out of my baby girl!
SILAS: To be fair, they don't CUT it out. The use a giant needle to suck it out.
AVA: No giant needles either. I'd rather die than have Avery suffer to save my life. I hate that Michael and Sonny are playing tug-of-war over her and that Michael named her AJ. AJ! Here's an idea, Silas. YOU raise Avery. You and Kiki.
SILAS: Kiki decided not to pursue custody. Besides, Kiki and I are up the creek without a paddle competing against the Quartermaines, with all of their money and power and Quartermaine-ishness.
AVA: So, let Julian fight the battle. He's the better gangster anyway.
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: Sabrina, will you be AJ's nanny?
SABRINA: Ummmm...okay.
KIKI: Over my dead body will that baby-killing psycho be my little sister's nanny.
MICHAEL: Who invited you here?
KIKI: I brought something for Avery.
MICHAEL: It's AJ and she doesn't need anything from you. Now apologize to Sabrina for calling her a psycho.
KIKI: Like hell I will. She gave my mother bad medicine to make her go into premature labor so Avery would DIE just like her dead baby.
SABRINA: But...I tried to stop her and I said I was sorry.
KIKI: SORRY isn't good enough, babykiller. Avery would be much better off with her REAL family.
MICHAEL: Like her two parents who are murderers? Sabrina made a mistake and she regrets what she did. SONNY never admits when he's wrong, SO THERE!
PIER
SHAWN: Jordan, remember when I suspected you were a cop? I still do.
JORDAN: This again? Seriously, Shawn, could you repeat that one more time just in case I didn't hear you the first 5287 times?
SHAWN: Prove you're not a cop.
JORDAN: Check my phone.
SHAWN: After you've covered your tracks? No thanks.
JORDAN: Fine, then go running to Sonny and Duke and tell them you're sleeping with the enemy. I dare you.
SHAWN: Watch me.
HOSPITAL:
SPINELLI: Stone Cold! Jason is alive! Long Live Jason!
JAKE: Come again?
SPINELLI: Deepest apologies, sir. Your butt looked just like that of my dearly departed best friend.
JAKE: Oooooookay. Who are you?
SPINELLI: Spamien Dinelli.
CARLY: He means Damien Spinelli.
JAKE: Nice to meet you. I'm Jake Doe. At least I'm going with that name because I haven't the foggiest idea what my real name is. You know, amnesia and all.
SAM: Hey, Spinelli, let's go get some jello in the cafeteria.
JAKE: Actually Sam, I kinda needed to chat with you, in private.
CARLY: I'll wrangle Spinelli for you, Sam.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
CARLOS: Jules, man, we gotta kill Lavery
JULIAN: There has to be another way. My main squeeze might frown upon the killing part. She might withhold sex.
CARLOS: How else are we going to take over this town. That's what you wanna do, right?
JULIAN: Can't we just set fire to his kilt collection? Oh, that's the door. It's Kiki. Get lost.
SONNY'S APARTMENT
DUKE: Some stuff went down on the pier yesterday. Julian and his goons started moving their shipments through our pier.
CLEAN SHAVEN SONNY: Did you take care of business?
DUKE: We fired off a few shots before Anna came sniffing around.
SONNY: How did Anna know? Someone tip her off?
DUKE: That's the theory. The question is, who?
HOSPITAL
JAKE: Sam, can you help me get a job with your dad?
SAM: You want to work for Julian Jerome? After all you went through being Helena's RoboGoon you want to be a goon for the Jeromes?
JAKE: My resume kinda sucks, I have no car, no social security number, so the job market's slim pickings for me.
SAM: I'll see what I can do.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
KIKI: Uncle Julian, we have a problem. Michael hired that baby killer Sabrina Santiago to be Avery's nanny. She gave Mom the premature labor pills. Avery is not safe. You HAVE to fight for custody.
JULIAN: Look, Kiki, I get that you're worried about your little sis, but the judge decided against one gangster to raise Avery, so what makes you think he'd choose another?
KIKI: YOU wouldn't have to raise her yourself. I could, with my dad's help.
JULIAN: I'll consider it.
KIKI: OMG, Uncle Julian, you're the BESTEST! Thank you!
CARLOS: So, you still want to let Lavery roam the face of the earth?
JULIAN: Nah, let's off him.
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: Sabrina, don't let Kiki get to you.
SABRINA: I can't do this. She called me a psycho.
MICHAEL: She's a hypocrite who thinks AJ would be better off with a person who ACTUALLY murdered someone.
SABRINA: But I did try to send Ava into premature labor. For, like 5 minutes.
MICHAEL: And then you told her not to take the pills and you apologized to her. AJ's fine. You didn't kill anyone. Now will you PLEASE take the job so I don't have to hire one of those agency nannies?
SABRINA: Oh, fine, I'll do it.
PIER
JORDAN: Shawn's onto me. I'm screwed. Let me out of this stupid undercover thing already.
ANNA: If you blow your cover, you put your life in danger.
JORDAN: If they find out anyway, my life's still in danger. What's the diff?
ANNA: There is still some strategizing to do. We're THIS close to stopping organized crime in this town.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Stone Cold?
Jake pings Spinelli's Jason Morgan radar shortly after he reunites with Sam. Things get mobular in the rain on Pier 54 and Anna flexes her Fed muscle to keep Julian, Duke and their respective goons in line. Sonny & Ric bond over distrust of Jake and Ric gives Sonny advice on how to get his daughter back. Michael offers Sabrina a job as Crypt Baby Avery/AJ's nanny. Plenty of cuteness on screen between Crypt Baby and Georgie!
PIER
DUKE: Get your drugs off MY pier!
JULIAN: Since when do you OWN this place, Lavery?
DUKE: I thought we had a gentleman's agreement.
JULIAN: That's hilarious. Shoots. Ducks. BANG!
DUKE'S MOB: Shoots. Ducks. BANG BANG!
JULIAN'S MOB: Shoots. Ducks. BANG BANG!
JORDAN: A mob war is a-brewin' We need to stop it NOW!
ANNA: I'm on it.
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: Sabrina, sorry about the delay in getting the clinic open. Would you mind being unemployed for just a little while longer?
SABRINA: Actually yeah, I do mind. I've been sponging off Felix for too long and I need to find another job.
MICHAEL: How about being AJ's nanny?
HOSPITAL
LULU: About Nathan having to leave last night, that's totes my fault. Dad's still on the loose.
MAXIE: It's okay. Spinelli was by my side.
LULU: Really? I know he's Georgie's dad and all, but does that complicate thing with you and Nathan?
MAXIE: Good question.
GEORGIE: I want a cheerio. NOW!
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: I was happy to spend the night with you last night, Sonny. Gotta go visit my boat-bombing buddy Jake in the hospital.
SONNY: You barely know the guy.
CARLY: But he listened to me yammer when you were in prison pushing me away.
SONNY: He kind of has a terrorist vibe about him.
HOSPITAL
SAM: SPINELLI!!!!!
SPINELLI: Hello fair Samantha. It is most delightful to see your shining countenance.
SAM: It's the glow of new love.
SPINELLI: With the good doctor Patrick Drake, I presume?
SAM: You presume right. How's Ellie?
SPINELLI: We parted ways because I was harboring amorous feelings toward the fair Maximista.
PCPD LOCKER ROOM
NATHAN: So, what's next, Dante. Any more fugitives we can hunt down?
DANTE: You're trying to avoid Maxie.
NATHAN: Kinda. I don't want to get in the middle of Maxie and Spinelli being a family with Georgie.
DANTE: Is that because your family's kinda messed up? You don't know who your dad is and you found out your mom's really your aunt. Not to mention that your sister who's really your cousin is in the loony bin. Ergo, you don't want Georgie to end up in a 20 year coma like Nina.
NATHAN: Nice shrink impression, partner. I just want to do the right thing by Maxie, man.
DANTE: Do you love her?
NATHAN: Hell yeah!
DANTE: There you have it.
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Jake, consider yourself sprung. By the way, why were you fantasizing about having sex with Sam?
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAT????
JAKE: It wasn't like that. I don't know why I imagined being in bed with your girlfriend but I did kind of have a microchip in my head controlled by a maniacal, but very well-dressed old lady.
PATRICK: Okay, there were extenuating circumstances, but you gotta admit, it's kinda creepy.
JAKE: An 80-year-old female criminal mastermind had a thing for me and YOU'RE creeped out? CARLY: I'm here. Everyone leave the room! Except Jake, of course.
PIER
ANNA: Listen up boys! Badass Fed is here. If I find any drugs being trafficked though this pier, it is well within my jurisdiction to take you down.
JULIAN: Drugs? What drugs?
ANNA: Carlos, have you forgotten that you are out on bail?
DUKE: Don't look at me. I wasn't receiving "top secret" shipments at this pier.
ANNA: You are so not in my circle of trust, Duke. I'll be watching you too.
JORDAN: What's up?
SHAWN: Did you tip Anna Devane off or didn't you?
HOSPITAL
CARLY: Great news, Jake! You're getting out of here!
JAKE: Only to go from the frying pan into the fire. I took Sloane's deal.
CARLY: Dammit, Jake, I could have so gotten you out of that.
JAKE: I wasn't taking my chances on going to prison, thank you very much. Now I gotta figure out how to get Jerome to hire me.
CARLY: I know! Use Sam!
JAKE: Yeah, because she is itching to help me after I took her hostage.
CARLY: That wasn't you. That was RoboJake, Helena Cassadine's eGoon.
JAKE: Gotta love that Carly logic.
NATHAN: Maxie, I love you and I'm going to fight for you.
PIER
DUKE: Get your drugs off MY pier!
JULIAN: Since when do you OWN this place, Lavery?
DUKE: I thought we had a gentleman's agreement.
JULIAN: That's hilarious. Shoots. Ducks. BANG!
DUKE'S MOB: Shoots. Ducks. BANG BANG!
JULIAN'S MOB: Shoots. Ducks. BANG BANG!
JORDAN: A mob war is a-brewin' We need to stop it NOW!
ANNA: I'm on it.
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: Sabrina, sorry about the delay in getting the clinic open. Would you mind being unemployed for just a little while longer?
SABRINA: Actually yeah, I do mind. I've been sponging off Felix for too long and I need to find another job.
MICHAEL: How about being AJ's nanny?
HOSPITAL
LULU: About Nathan having to leave last night, that's totes my fault. Dad's still on the loose.
MAXIE: It's okay. Spinelli was by my side.
LULU: Really? I know he's Georgie's dad and all, but does that complicate thing with you and Nathan?
MAXIE: Good question.
GEORGIE: I want a cheerio. NOW!
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: I was happy to spend the night with you last night, Sonny. Gotta go visit my boat-bombing buddy Jake in the hospital.
SONNY: You barely know the guy.
CARLY: But he listened to me yammer when you were in prison pushing me away.
SONNY: He kind of has a terrorist vibe about him.
HOSPITAL
SAM: SPINELLI!!!!!
SPINELLI: Hello fair Samantha. It is most delightful to see your shining countenance.
SAM: It's the glow of new love.
SPINELLI: With the good doctor Patrick Drake, I presume?
SAM: You presume right. How's Ellie?
SPINELLI: We parted ways because I was harboring amorous feelings toward the fair Maximista.
PCPD LOCKER ROOM
NATHAN: So, what's next, Dante. Any more fugitives we can hunt down?
DANTE: You're trying to avoid Maxie.
NATHAN: Kinda. I don't want to get in the middle of Maxie and Spinelli being a family with Georgie.
DANTE: Is that because your family's kinda messed up? You don't know who your dad is and you found out your mom's really your aunt. Not to mention that your sister who's really your cousin is in the loony bin. Ergo, you don't want Georgie to end up in a 20 year coma like Nina.
NATHAN: Nice shrink impression, partner. I just want to do the right thing by Maxie, man.
DANTE: Do you love her?
NATHAN: Hell yeah!
DANTE: There you have it.
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Jake, consider yourself sprung. By the way, why were you fantasizing about having sex with Sam?
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAT????
JAKE: It wasn't like that. I don't know why I imagined being in bed with your girlfriend but I did kind of have a microchip in my head controlled by a maniacal, but very well-dressed old lady.
PATRICK: Okay, there were extenuating circumstances, but you gotta admit, it's kinda creepy.
JAKE: An 80-year-old female criminal mastermind had a thing for me and YOU'RE creeped out? CARLY: I'm here. Everyone leave the room! Except Jake, of course.
PIER
ANNA: Listen up boys! Badass Fed is here. If I find any drugs being trafficked though this pier, it is well within my jurisdiction to take you down.
JULIAN: Drugs? What drugs?
ANNA: Carlos, have you forgotten that you are out on bail?
DUKE: Don't look at me. I wasn't receiving "top secret" shipments at this pier.
ANNA: You are so not in my circle of trust, Duke. I'll be watching you too.
JORDAN: What's up?
SHAWN: Did you tip Anna Devane off or didn't you?
HOSPITAL
CARLY: Great news, Jake! You're getting out of here!
JAKE: Only to go from the frying pan into the fire. I took Sloane's deal.
CARLY: Dammit, Jake, I could have so gotten you out of that.
JAKE: I wasn't taking my chances on going to prison, thank you very much. Now I gotta figure out how to get Jerome to hire me.
CARLY: I know! Use Sam!
JAKE: Yeah, because she is itching to help me after I took her hostage.
CARLY: That wasn't you. That was RoboJake, Helena Cassadine's eGoon.
JAKE: Gotta love that Carly logic.
NATHAN: Maxie, I love you and I'm going to fight for you.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Corinthos Family Game Night
After being forced to hand over Crypt Baby Avery to Michael, the Corinthoses bond with the help of pizza and a game of Monopoly. Maxie and Nathan's romantic night of reconciliation is busted up by a call from Dante about Nina's role in The Luke Monster escaping the loony bin. Later, Maxie gets a call from Felicia and she and Spin rush to the bedside of a sick baby Georgie in the ER. Franco covers for Nina when Nathan starts asking questions. Brad feigns being a patient to get some alone time with Lucas. Michael is surprised to see Tracy's maternal side.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: You're naming MY DAUGHTER after your drunken mess of a father? I'd rather have her named after the woman who murdered my girlfriend. Her name is AVERY, Michael, not AJ.
MICHAEL: She's mine now, so AJ it is.
AVERY: MMMMMM! TIE! NOM NOM NOM!!!! DAT SILK????
CARLY: Please, Michael, it doesn't have to be this way.
MICHAEL: It's been real guys. Gotta go introduce AJ to her new home. AJ Quartermaine II, ladies and gentlemen!
SONNY: I don't want it to come to this, but I can break you, Michael.
MICHAEL: I'd like to see you try. Leaves with Avery/AJ
SONNY: Son of a bitch!
MORGAN: Let's order some pizza.
SONNY: I'm not hungry, son.
CARLY: Help him help you, Sonny.
LULU AND DANTE'S APARTMENT
DANTE: Gotta go to Shadybrook to question Franco and Nina about Luke's escape.
SPINELLI: Perhaps you should alert Nathan to his sister's involvement in said escape?
DANTE: Good call, Spinelli. It's nice to see you're so concerned about Nathan, given the whole Maxie thing.
SPINELLI: Anything to pry his musclebound body out of the fair Maximista's abode, sir.
HOSPITAL
NURSE: Dr. Jones, there's a patient waiting for you in Cubicle 2.
LUCAS: On it. Brad, what's up? Dressing up as a patient to get some QT with yours truly?
BRAD: How'd you guess. I was suffering from acute Lucas Jones withdrawal and the symptoms were brutal. Let's make out.
LUCAS: I concur with that treatment plan.
Q MANSION
TRACY: I am going out of my mind worrying about Luke! Where could he have gone?
LULU: I wish I knew. Dante is about to go question Franco and Nina. Tracy, if you need me, I'm totes there for you.
TRACY: Thank you, Lulu. The same to you. The sooner we find out what's making him pop his cork, the better.
LULU: Agreed. I need to go check in on Rocco to make sure he hasn't been SORASed while I've been gone.
SHADYBROOK
GUARD: You two are in some hot water after that stunt you pulled to help a dangerous patient escape. You know that, right?
FRANCO: Yeah, whatever. How are you feeling, Nina? Sorry my plan got you tased. That has to suck.
NINA: I'm with you, Franco, so I'm okay. You make this all worthwhile.
LULU AND DANTE'S APARTMENT
NU-ROCCO: Why do I look so much bigger? Have you been sneaking 'roids into my oatmeal?
LULU: Rocco, how you've grown since I last saw you! Have I been that busy helping Tracy fix Dad?
OLIVIA: Time flies, kid. Next week, my kid will be in college and I'm not even showing yet.
LULU: Olivia, you're the best pregnant grandmother that ever existed!
OLIVIA: Thanks, hon. The pregnant grandma thing takes getting used to though. Rocco is going to be older than his aunt or uncle.
Q MANSION
TRACY: Freeze and drop your weapons!
MICHAEL: Tracy, it's me. Michael. And this beautiful little girl is AJ Quartermaine II.
TRACY: Alan would have been so proud!
MICHAEL: So would my dad.
TRACY: What took you so long? I expected you back a few hours ago.
MICHAEL: Sonny dragged his feet telling me where my sister was. Morgan tried to spirit her away to Sonny's island in Puerto Rico, but apparently Kiki talked him out of it.
AVERY: Waaaaaaaaaaaah! Where am I? Who dese people? Waaaaaaaaaaaah!
TRACY: Let me try to calm her down. Despite all appearances to the contrary, I am a mother.
AVERY: Who dis lady??? WAAAAAAAAAH! Take me home!
MICHAEL: Maybe she's hungry. Joss would get like this when she was hungry and only her corn-based formula would make her happy.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
NATHAN: Thanks again for the Floating Rib gift certificate. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
MAXIE: You really didn't trust me to make qinoa, did you?
NATHAN: Hey look, Maxie. Mac and Cheese!
MAXIE: Mac and cheese now, sex later.
NATHAN: Deal. phone rings. Crap. It's Dante. Gotta take this. Dante, what's up?
DANTE: Luke escaped Shadybrook and your sister-cousin is involved.
NATHAN: Dammit, Nina! I'll be there.
MAXIE: I take it that was not good news.
NATHAN: Nope. I have to go figure out why Nina was helping a suspected cannibal escape from a mental institution. Sorry for ruining our evening.
MAXIE: You've gotta do what you've gotta do.
SONNY'S HOUSE
MORGAN: You landed on my property and have to stay at my hotel. Pay up, Mom.
CARLY: That's Madame Banker to you. Besides, I friggin' OWN a hotel. Your turn, Sonny.
SONNY: Vermont avenue. What the hell. Hand over the deed.
MORGAN: Sorry, Dad, but you're broke.
SONNY: You owe me $200 for passing GO, so hand over the deed.
CARLY: This family game night is so much fun, isn't it, Sonny.
SHADYBROOK
NATHAN: Nina, how did you help Luke Spencer fly the coop?
NINA: Um...
FRANCO: It's all my fault. She didn't know Luke was Luke. She forgot her meds, started sleepwalking, and unconsciously loosened his restraints. It was dark. She thought he was a cruelly misunderstood artist with a history of behavior-altering brain tumors. In other words, she mistook him for me. Or did she mistake him for Harry Houdini? Either way, it isn't her fault that I took her meds by mistake.
DANTE: Sure, Franco. It all makes sense now.
NATHAN: Nina, do you have any clue where Luke Spencer is right now.
NINA: No, Jay. I can tell you for sure that I have NO idea where he went. I barely know the guy.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
SPINELLI: I need to find my zip drive.
MAXIE: Fine, look for it, but NO food and DEFINITELY no kissing.
SPINELLI: Where is the man you are deluding yourself to be in love with?
MAXIE: He had to go help his sister. Phone rings Mom? Georgie's sick? I'm coming. Spinelli, Mom called from the ER. Georgie's sick.
HOSPITAL
FELICIA: She was spiking a fever of 104.
MAXIE: 104! OMG, is she okay?
FELICIA: Lucas is tending to her in Cubicle 2.
MAXIE: Lucas, what's wrong with Georgie.
LUCAS: A touch of the flu, it seems.
SPINELLI: I will have you know she received a vaccine.
LUCAS: She probably contracted a strain not covered in the vaccine. I'm keeping her overnight for observation.
MAXIE: But she's going to be okay, right?
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: You're naming MY DAUGHTER after your drunken mess of a father? I'd rather have her named after the woman who murdered my girlfriend. Her name is AVERY, Michael, not AJ.
MICHAEL: She's mine now, so AJ it is.
AVERY: MMMMMM! TIE! NOM NOM NOM!!!! DAT SILK????
CARLY: Please, Michael, it doesn't have to be this way.
MICHAEL: It's been real guys. Gotta go introduce AJ to her new home. AJ Quartermaine II, ladies and gentlemen!
SONNY: I don't want it to come to this, but I can break you, Michael.
MICHAEL: I'd like to see you try. Leaves with Avery/AJ
SONNY: Son of a bitch!
MORGAN: Let's order some pizza.
SONNY: I'm not hungry, son.
CARLY: Help him help you, Sonny.
LULU AND DANTE'S APARTMENT
DANTE: Gotta go to Shadybrook to question Franco and Nina about Luke's escape.
SPINELLI: Perhaps you should alert Nathan to his sister's involvement in said escape?
DANTE: Good call, Spinelli. It's nice to see you're so concerned about Nathan, given the whole Maxie thing.
SPINELLI: Anything to pry his musclebound body out of the fair Maximista's abode, sir.
HOSPITAL
NURSE: Dr. Jones, there's a patient waiting for you in Cubicle 2.
LUCAS: On it. Brad, what's up? Dressing up as a patient to get some QT with yours truly?
BRAD: How'd you guess. I was suffering from acute Lucas Jones withdrawal and the symptoms were brutal. Let's make out.
LUCAS: I concur with that treatment plan.
Q MANSION
TRACY: I am going out of my mind worrying about Luke! Where could he have gone?
LULU: I wish I knew. Dante is about to go question Franco and Nina. Tracy, if you need me, I'm totes there for you.
TRACY: Thank you, Lulu. The same to you. The sooner we find out what's making him pop his cork, the better.
LULU: Agreed. I need to go check in on Rocco to make sure he hasn't been SORASed while I've been gone.
SHADYBROOK
GUARD: You two are in some hot water after that stunt you pulled to help a dangerous patient escape. You know that, right?
FRANCO: Yeah, whatever. How are you feeling, Nina? Sorry my plan got you tased. That has to suck.
NINA: I'm with you, Franco, so I'm okay. You make this all worthwhile.
LULU AND DANTE'S APARTMENT
NU-ROCCO: Why do I look so much bigger? Have you been sneaking 'roids into my oatmeal?
LULU: Rocco, how you've grown since I last saw you! Have I been that busy helping Tracy fix Dad?
OLIVIA: Time flies, kid. Next week, my kid will be in college and I'm not even showing yet.
LULU: Olivia, you're the best pregnant grandmother that ever existed!
OLIVIA: Thanks, hon. The pregnant grandma thing takes getting used to though. Rocco is going to be older than his aunt or uncle.
Q MANSION
TRACY: Freeze and drop your weapons!
MICHAEL: Tracy, it's me. Michael. And this beautiful little girl is AJ Quartermaine II.
TRACY: Alan would have been so proud!
MICHAEL: So would my dad.
TRACY: What took you so long? I expected you back a few hours ago.
MICHAEL: Sonny dragged his feet telling me where my sister was. Morgan tried to spirit her away to Sonny's island in Puerto Rico, but apparently Kiki talked him out of it.
AVERY: Waaaaaaaaaaaah! Where am I? Who dese people? Waaaaaaaaaaaah!
TRACY: Let me try to calm her down. Despite all appearances to the contrary, I am a mother.
AVERY: Who dis lady??? WAAAAAAAAAH! Take me home!
MICHAEL: Maybe she's hungry. Joss would get like this when she was hungry and only her corn-based formula would make her happy.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
NATHAN: Thanks again for the Floating Rib gift certificate. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
MAXIE: You really didn't trust me to make qinoa, did you?
NATHAN: Hey look, Maxie. Mac and Cheese!
MAXIE: Mac and cheese now, sex later.
NATHAN: Deal. phone rings. Crap. It's Dante. Gotta take this. Dante, what's up?
DANTE: Luke escaped Shadybrook and your sister-cousin is involved.
NATHAN: Dammit, Nina! I'll be there.
MAXIE: I take it that was not good news.
NATHAN: Nope. I have to go figure out why Nina was helping a suspected cannibal escape from a mental institution. Sorry for ruining our evening.
MAXIE: You've gotta do what you've gotta do.
SONNY'S HOUSE
MORGAN: You landed on my property and have to stay at my hotel. Pay up, Mom.
CARLY: That's Madame Banker to you. Besides, I friggin' OWN a hotel. Your turn, Sonny.
SONNY: Vermont avenue. What the hell. Hand over the deed.
MORGAN: Sorry, Dad, but you're broke.
SONNY: You owe me $200 for passing GO, so hand over the deed.
CARLY: This family game night is so much fun, isn't it, Sonny.
SHADYBROOK
NATHAN: Nina, how did you help Luke Spencer fly the coop?
NINA: Um...
FRANCO: It's all my fault. She didn't know Luke was Luke. She forgot her meds, started sleepwalking, and unconsciously loosened his restraints. It was dark. She thought he was a cruelly misunderstood artist with a history of behavior-altering brain tumors. In other words, she mistook him for me. Or did she mistake him for Harry Houdini? Either way, it isn't her fault that I took her meds by mistake.
DANTE: Sure, Franco. It all makes sense now.
NATHAN: Nina, do you have any clue where Luke Spencer is right now.
NINA: No, Jay. I can tell you for sure that I have NO idea where he went. I barely know the guy.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
SPINELLI: I need to find my zip drive.
MAXIE: Fine, look for it, but NO food and DEFINITELY no kissing.
SPINELLI: Where is the man you are deluding yourself to be in love with?
MAXIE: He had to go help his sister. Phone rings Mom? Georgie's sick? I'm coming. Spinelli, Mom called from the ER. Georgie's sick.
HOSPITAL
FELICIA: She was spiking a fever of 104.
MAXIE: 104! OMG, is she okay?
FELICIA: Lucas is tending to her in Cubicle 2.
MAXIE: Lucas, what's wrong with Georgie.
LUCAS: A touch of the flu, it seems.
SPINELLI: I will have you know she received a vaccine.
LUCAS: She probably contracted a strain not covered in the vaccine. I'm keeping her overnight for observation.
MAXIE: But she's going to be okay, right?
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