Punching Bag

     Jason goes to the gym to talk things over with his old boss that he doesn't remember working for -- Sonny.   Morgan chafes under the hovering gaze of Carly.  Kiki finds an unwelcome guest while waiting tables at the MetroCourt.  Sam and Danny move in with Alexis and Julian.  Liz warns Nikolas that Jason is out for his blood.   Curtis has some good news for Hayden, but it won't come cheap.  

      GYM

       SONNY:  POW POW POW POW POW! 
       PUNCHING BAG:  OW OW OW OW OW! 
       JASON:  So, whose face are you imagining on this poor punching bag?  
       SONNY:  Jason, zat you? 
       JASON:   I need to work off some serious pissed-offedness.   Elizabeth's been lying to me for 7 FREAKIN' MONTHS.  
      

       METROCOURT

        CARLY:  Can you smile so I can take a picture? 
        MORGAN:  Of me eating breakfast?   What the hell, mom?  
        CARLY:  Have you had your meds this morning? 
        MORGAN:  (points to pills on napkin) Exhibit A.  

   
        AVA:  Kiki, when will you stop hating me? 
        KIKI:  The twelfth of NEVER.  
        AVA:  Come onnnnnnn, Kiki!   I MISS YOU!!!!!   
        KIKI:  Were you missing me when you boinked my boyfriend?   Didn't think so.  Coffee?  
     
       
        ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE

        SAM:  Hope you don't mind if Danny and I crash here for awhile.  I just broke up with Patrick last night.  
        JULIAN:  Say WHAAAAAAAAT?   You broke up with The Safe Boyfriend?   Is this so you can get back together with The Dangerous Boyfriend? 
        SAM:  Said dangerous boyfriend still has marriage amnesia, Dad.   But if his memory comes back, I have to keep my options open. 
        JULIAN:  I really liked Safe Boyfriend.  
        ALEXIS:  Me too.  

      
         LIZ'S HOUSE

       LIZ:  Nikolas, you may want to up the security at Wyndemere.  The cat's out of the bag. 
       NIKOLAS:  So Jason knows we knew who he was?   Don't tell me Grandmother rose from the dead to text him.  
       LIZ:  It was your cousin Sam.   She told Jason what she heard Jake tell Danny about a HUGE secret between me and Laura.   Jason asked me about 537 times whether I knew he was Jason before he knew he was Jason and on the 538th time, I broke down and confessed.  
     
      
        FLOATING RIB

       CURTIS:  Hey, where's your Carmen Sandiego hat?   That hat was seriously badass.  By the way,  I found the bullet.   Thing is, we need to find Shawn's gun to prove the bullet didn't come from it.  
       HAYDEN:  If I give you the hat, will you get your hands on Shawn's gun?  
       CURTIS:  It's gonna cost you a lot more than one hat for my services, lady.  

     
       GYM

       JASON:  So, Sonny, since you apparently used to be my boss, what should I do?   
       SONNY:  Elizabeth betrayed you, Jason.  Ain't no way you forgivin' that.  
       JASON:  Sorry, punching bag, but here goes.  POW POW POW POW POW! 
       SONNY & PUNCHING BAG:  Ever heard of gloves?  

      
       METROCOURT

       CARLY:  Begone, Ava!  
       AVA:  Really, Carly?  You're going to throw me out of this place just because you don't like me? 
       CARLY:  Pretty much.  I own half of this place and you killed the cousin of the person who owns the other half, so you are a PNG here.  
       AVA:  A PNG?   
       CARLY:  Persona non grata.   Now get lost!  
      
        MORGAN:  Hey Keeks, wanna hang out and maybe be my girlfriend again? 
        KIKI:  Too soon, Captain.  Too soon.  But I'll be your phone-a-friend.   Call me if you want to talk.  

         GYM

        CARLY:  OMG!   Sonny and Jason together again!   
        JASON:  I was just leaving. 
        CARLY:  So is CarSaSon a thing again?  
        SONNY:  He just needed to vent about being lied to by Elizabeth.   She knew for 7 whole months that he was Jason but didn't bother to tell him.  
        CARLY:  Totally called it!!!!    I KNEW she was lying her ass of to him.   Go Carly, go Carly, go go go Carly!  

     

Heartbreak Hotel

      Who, after watching today's show, wanted to give poor Emma a hug and buy her a pony or something?  (Raising my hand).   That poor girl has been through so much in her 10 short years of life: Thinking her mother was dead, becoming attached to Sabrina, having her mother show up alive as her dad was about to marry Sabrina, having her mother disappear again to unfreeze Jason and two Cassadines, losing her baby brother, and now losing Sam and Danny.   No wonder she's so hurt and confused!  Mad props to Kelly Monaco, Jason Thompson, and especially the talented little Brooklyn Silzer! 

        Liz pleads with Jason to forgive her for lying to him about his identity, but Jason takes off in his motorcycle, leaving Liz and the boys behind.   Olivia lays into Valerie while Dante is at the store.  Lulu convinces Dillon to keep mum about Johnny.  Robin pleads for her life when Jerry grows tired of waiting for the cure for death. 

         LIZ'S HOUSE

        JASON:  You knew who I was before I did?  YOU KNEW???
        LIZ:  But...but...whenever I thought about telling you the truth, I kept changing my mind.  
        JASON:  So all of those "Jake, I have to tell you something" lines were about you chickening out?   BOK BOK BOK BOK BOK!!!!
         LIZ:  But...but...Sam was happy with Patrick and Emma and Danny were like brother and sister.
         JASON:  About Danny...did you conveniently forget that HE'S MY SON TOO?
         LIZ:  But...but...what about Jake? 
         JASON:  When he came back from the dead, did it ever occur to you to--I don't know--tell me he's MY KID???
         LIZ:  But...but...I was afraid of losing you!!!! 

   
       PATRICK'S HOUSE

       PATRICK:  Sorry, Sam, but I'm just not into plural marriages. 
       SAM:  Come on, Patrick!  It's not like Jason even remembers being married to me. 
       PATRICK:  We have to break up. 
       SAM:  But I'm sorta kinda over Jason. 
       PATRICK:  I'm sorta kinda not sharing you with another dude. 

    
       DANTE'S APARTMENT

       OLIVIA:  Step AWAY from my grandson you homewrecking homewrecker!
       VALERIE:  So, you'd rather me leave Rocco here to entertain himself while Dante's at the store getting him his meds?   He's a sick 2-year-old, Olivia.  
       OLIVIA:  You broke up my son's family and there will be NO CANNOLIS FOR YOU! 
       DANTE:  What the hell, Ma???
       OLIVIA:  You always let your bed buddies watch your sick kid, Dante?  Go make up with Lulu.  NOW!   BECAUSE I SAID SO.
      DANTE:  Ma, you need to stop insulting my gal pal Val here.   Please tell me you didn't toss any of your Italian curses at her or mention the name Heather Webber. 
  
   
      HAUNTED STAR

      DILLON:  What's a gangster fugitive grandpa-killer doing on this boat, Lulu?
      JOHNNY:  I was just innocently playing with some barware, pretty boy, but now I'm gonna put in an order for my tombstone to say Gangster Fugitive Grandpa-Killer. 
      DILLON:  I'm fixin' to call the cops. 
      LULU:  Oh no you don't, Dillon.  You OWE me for a certain act of public humiliation that I only pretended to forgive you for.
     DILLON:  So, it's help you harbor this convicted felon or you won't be my friend anymore?
     LULU:  Pretty much. 

    
      CASSADINE ISLAND

      JERRY:  So, Robin, have you come up with a cure for death yet?   The clock is ticking ever so loudly.  It is such a shame said clock ran out for dear HELena Cassadine. 
      ROBIN:  I'm almost there.  I just need Helena's corpse.
      JERRY:  Over MY DEAD BODY.  No, make that YOURS.
      ROBIN:  It has to be Helena's or it won't work.
      JERRY:  You, my dear, can ill afford to be cheeky with Jerry Jacks.

   
     PATRICK'S HOUSE

      EMMA:  So, I faked gastrointestinal distress so I could find out when you and Sam are getting married.
     PATRICK:  About that...What color pony do you want?
     EMMA:  Why are we talking about ponies and not about wedding dates?  
     PATRICK:  Because the whole wedding thing isn't going to happen, sweetheart.  Sam and I broke up.
     EMMA:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!    This CANNOT HAPPEN!   YOU HAVE TO MARRY SAM, DADDY!   BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!
     SAM:  I'm so sorry, Emma.  I love your daddy, but I sorta kinda love my husband too.
     EMMA:  WRONG ANSWER!!!!   You were supposed to DIVORCE DANNY'S DADDY AND MARRY MINE!!!
     PATRICK:  The offer of a pony still stands.
     EMMA:  I want my MOMMY!!!!

 
     HAUNTED STAR

     OLIVIA:  Lulu, you have to get back together with Dante because I saw Valerie HOLDING ROCCO!   The poor kid is going to be confused and think she's his mother.
     LULU:  VALERIE was holding ROCCO???   This means WAR!

 
   LIZ'S HOUSE

     LIZ:  Jason, please forgive me.  Pretty please with a cherry on top and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles!    We could be a HAPPY FAMILY!
    JASON:  Not. Gonna. Happen.   Gotta go.  My motorcycle awaits.   Maybe Sam's broken up with Patrick by now.

 
   CASSADINE ISLAND

    ROBIN:  OMG, Emma is calling!    Let me talk to her.  Please!  Pretty please with a cherry on top and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.
    JERRY:  So much refined sugar!
    ROBIN:  Just gimme the damn phone.  (over the phone with Emma)  Hi sweetie.   Is everything okay?
    EMMA:  Everything is NOT OKAY,  MOMMY!   Daddy broke up with Sam and you're in Paris and I HAVE NO MOMMY IN MY HOUSE!   Come home, Mommy!   Come home NOW!  
   ROBIN:  Sorry, but my super mean crazy boss won't let me.   Bye, Sweetie.
   JERRY:  Very well, Robin.  You've said goodbye to your daughter.  Now I can kill you. 
   ROBIN:  If you kill me, who will cure death for you?  
  JERRY:  DAMMIT!  You have 48 hours to cure death and believe me, you will need this cure more than I will.

  
   PATRICK'S HOUSE

    EMMA:  I WANT MOMMY! 
    PATRICK:  I have an idea.  Let's go to Paris and find her!

 
   HAUNTED STAR

   LULU:  Johnny, prepare to take out my cousin. 
  JOHNNY:  At your service!  
  
    

Harboring A Fugitive

      Johnny The Fugitive wants to crash on the Haunted Star for awhile because life gets lonely on the run from the law.   Jason confronts a panicked Liz about her lies.  Sabrina gives advice to Patrick before meeting up with Michael and Felix at The Floating Rib.  Patrick calls it quits with Sam, who begs him to reconsider.  Olivia chews Dante out for giving up on his marriage to Lulu.

        HAUNTED STAR

        JOHNNY:  The fugitive life ain't what it's cracked up to be, Lulu.  I'm desperate for human companionship.  Whaddaya say I hang out on this here boat for awhile? 
        LULU:  You want me to harbor a fugitive? 
        JOHNNY:  So, unleash this puppy and you won't be in the harbor with said fugitive.
        LULU:  You're hilarious, Johnny. 
        DILLON:  Lulu?   Are you still mad at me? 
     

        LIZ'S HOUSE

         JAKE:  Where's Daddy?  I can't sleep and I want him to tell me that Little Motorcycle That Could story again.
         LIZ:   Daddy was feeling like a late night Slurpee, so he went to 7-Eleven.   He'll be back soon.
        THE TRUTH:  Has lying to your kid become THAT EASY for you?  
        JAKE:  Did he get one for me too?    Whatever Daddy wants, I want too.  I'm kinda obsessed with him.
        LIZ:  I know the feeling. 

     
      PATRICK & SAM'S HOUSE

       JASON:  Start talking, Sam.
       SAM:  Elizabeth knew you were Jason because when you proposed to her, she went to cry in the chapel and when I asked her why she couldn't marry you, she said it was because of me.   Oh and Jake told Danny that his mommy had a big huge ginormous secret that his grandma said involved you.  When I asked Laura, she got all squirmy, which basically seals the deal. 
      JASON:  This is the part where I ask for proof.   Present your evidence, counselor.
      SAM:  My MOM is the lawyer, Jason, not me.  All I know is that I'm right, Elizabeth is lying and you have a right to know the truth.
      THE TRUTH:  To know me is to love me.  Or is it to deny me?   Whatever it is, I shall set you free. 
      JASON:  Are you sure you're not just trying to break me and Elizabeth up so I'll come running back to you and magically remember EVERYTHING?   What about ol' Paddy boy? 
      SAM:  I just told you the truth.  Do what you want with it. 

  
      HOSPITAL

      MICHAEL:  Where's Dr. Lee, Felix?   I need to ask him why my baby is so HUMONGOUS.
      FELIX:  Where's Sabrina?   Shouldn't she want to know about her gigantic baby just as much as you do? 
      MICHAEL:  She's been dodging questions about where the Plus Size Baby department is at Wyndhams.  I'm meeting her over at the rib.  Wanna come with? 

   
      DANTE'S APARTMENT

      VALERIE:  It was such an adrenaline rush sneaking out of Kelly's like that.  Let's have sex.  We don't have to wait for another holiday you know.
      DANTE:  Phew!  I was thinking I can't keep it zipped another two weeks.
      OLIVIA:  Knock knock!
      VALERIE:  You ordered pizza?   I like a guy with a big appetite.
      OLIVIA:  It's your mama, Dante.  Open up if you wanna see your kid.
      VALERIE:  I'll go hide in a corner and listen in like they do on Southwest General.

     
       FLOATING RIB

        SABRINA:  Remember me? 
        PATRICK:  Hey, Sabrina.  Remember how Robin came bursting through the church doors on our wedding and how I callously dumped you for a woman who was going to leave me to cure ebola-slash-unfreeze Jason and a couple crooked Cassadines?
        SABRINA:  I knew I was history the moment Emma screamed "Mommy" 
        PATRICK:   Well, the shoe's on the other foot now with Sam and Jason and I'm the one who's history. 
         SABRINA:  Maybe I can find a nice female Quartermaine to set you up with. 

    
        HAUNTED STAR

        DILLON:   Are we still unfriends?
        LULU:  Nah, all you did was point me to the truth. 
        THE TRUTH:  See?  Everyone wants a piece of me!
        DILLON:  How are things going with Dante The Cheater?
        LULU:  We're so finished because he can't stop banging you-know-who. 
        DILLON:  Yeah, that sucks...for you.   By the way, I'm moving back to LA after Christmas because, you know, director's gotta direct.
        LULU:  Bummer.  I think I'll actually miss you.
        JOHNNY:  (dropping something while hiding behind the bar) CLANK
        DILLON:  What was THAT?
      
 
       DANTE'S APARTMENT

       OLIVIA:  So, have you made up with Lulu yet?
       DANTE:  Three words, Ma.  Not. Gonna. Happen.
       OLIVIA:  Dante Angelo Falconeri, you better get back together with Lulu or I'll sic Heather Webber on you.  And withhold the cannolis.  
       DANTE:  She served me papers, Ma.  She's moving on and so am I.
       OLIVIA:  You aren't seeing that homewrecking slut of a cousin of hers, are you?
       VALERIE:  (hiding behind a wall) Ouch!
       DANTE:  Be nice, Ma.
       OLIVIA:  I was.  There were choicer words I could've used.

     
       PATRICK & SAM'S HOUSE

       PATRICK:  You know, Sam, you've gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em and I'm folding.
        SAM:  But...but...I really am still in love with you...when I'm not obsessing over Jason.
     
     
        FLOATING RIB

        FELIX:  Heads up, Bri:  Michael was trying to pry information out of Dr. Lee about the hugeness of your baby.
        SABRINA:  OMG!   If he talks to Dr. Lee, he'll find out Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos is the father of my baby. 
        FELIX:  Better for him to find out now than when the baby comes out rolling his or her r's. 
        
     
        HAUNTED STAR

        DILLON:  What the hell is this dude doing here? 
        JOHNNY:  I could ask you the same question, pretty boy. 

       DANTE'S APARTMENT

       VALERIE:  Rocco's feeling warm.
        DANTE:  Crap!  He's got the Baby Uncle Leo sickness.   I've gotta run and get him some meds.
        OLIVIA:  Knock knock
        VALERIE:  (Opens door.  Sees Olivia instead of Dante) CRAP!  
     
        LIZ'S HOUSE

         JASON:  Did you know who I was, Elizabeth?
         LIZ:  I love you, Jason.  I love you and you love me and the boys and we're one big happy family.
         JASON:  Did you know?
         LIZ:  I took you in when you were a stray amnesiac from the hospital with a new face and a Cassadine mind control chip in your head.
         JASON:  DID. YOU. KNOW? 
         LIZ:  Don't believe that troublemaking, jealous shrew Sam.   She's just pissed that you don't remember being married to her.
         JASON:  DAMMIT ELIZABETH ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION!  DID YOU KNOW I WAS JASON BEFORE I KNEW I WAS JASON?
         LIZ:  YES!
         THE TRUTH:  Free at last!  Free at last!   Booyah!  
     
     

Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

   Johnny Z's back and at Lulu's service.  Jason tells Sam to get lost, but isn't ready to dismiss what she has to say about Liz.  Nathan urges Dante to stop seeing Valerie while Bobbie cautions Valerie about what could happen if she keeps seeing Dante.   Patrick is pissed when Sam can't let go of Liz's lying to Jason.  Nikolas and Hayden are still not sure they can trust each other. 

     HAUNTED STAR

         LULU:  Maxie, which Christmas decorations make the best murder weapons?
         MAXIE:  Well, there's strangulation by Christmas lights, bludgeoning by giant candy cane, or being an adult and not taking revenge at all. 
         LULU:  Since when are YOU an adult? 
         MAXIE: Ha ha.  Remember how you have a kid named Rocco?   As far as I know, Judge Walters is still on the bench.  Just sayin'

      
       LIZ'S HOUSE

        SAM:  Jason, your so-called fiancee is lying to you.  She knew for MONTHS that you were Jason and she must have conveniently forgotten to tell you.
        JASON:  Sam, I'm going to give you two choices.  Number one, you be nice to Elizabeth and you can stay.  Number two, you GET THE HELL OUT!!! 
        SAM:  ExcayUSE me for trying to rescue you from your LYING BITCH of a fiancee. 
        JASON:  Get in line.  It starts behind Carly. 

     
       KELLY'S

        BOBBIE:  Valerie!  Long time, no see. Even though we are living in the same house. 
        VALERIE:  Yeah, I've been kinda busy banging my cousin's hubby.
        BOBBIE:  So I've heard.  Join the club.   Carly and I are charter members. 
        VALERIE:  So you're totally okay with me  sexing up Dante?  Sah-WEET!
        BOBBIE:  Well, it would be better if the woman whose husband you were shagging wasn't my other niece, but who am I to talk?   Wanna have some French food and expensive wine?
         VALERIE:  Thanks, but no thanks, Aunt Bobbie.  I've got a date to eat french fries with Dante.

    
        PCPD

         NATHAN:   Gotta go.  Meeting Maxie at Kelly's.  Even fashionistas have to eat.
         DANTE:  Maybe I'll see you there.  Double date with me and Valerie?
         NATHAN:   Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?   Bad idea, partner.  BAD IDEA!   Maxie will go into vigilante mood, tell Lulu, who will tell Jordan and you and Val could be standing in the unemployment line. 
          DANTE:  Yeah, I forgot.  No one in this town knows how to mind their own damn business.

      
         PATRICK & SAM'S HOUSE

          EMMA:  Daddy, are you going to give Sam another ring pop tonight? 
          PATRICK:  It all depends on if she's done divorcing Danny's daddy, sweetheart.
          EMMA:  But you ARE going to get married, right?
          PATRICK:  I consulted my Magic 8 Ball and all signs point to yes.
          EMMA:  Sam's the COOLEST! 

       
       WYNDEMERE

          HAYDEN:  I had another one of those dreams, Nikolas.  You know, those dreams when you are trying to kill me.
          THE TRUTH:  Gee, I wonder why...
          NIKOLAS:  Ever consider therapy, Hayden?
          HAYDEN:  Why don't you trust me, Nikolas?
          NIKOLAS:  Because my ex, Britt, conspired with a nine year old to scare the crap out of me, that's why.  Oh, and she stole my sister's embryo.
          HAYDEN:  Sounds like a real peach.   My ex-hubby was a real son of a bitch, so yeah, I have trust issues too.
          NIKOLAS:  I miss our Petit Mort.
          HAYDEN:  Relationships are about way more than Petit Mort, Nikolas.  I still don't trust you not to strangle me in my sleep.   


         HAUNTED STAR

         JOHNNY:  I'm baaaaaaaack!
         LULU:  Correct me if I'm wrong, Johnny, but aren't you still a fugitive?
         JOHNNY:  Fugitive shmugitive!   It's not like anyone's gonna go after me for shooting Julian  Jerome on your psycho dad's orders.   I hear you and Dante are on the rocks. 
          LULU:  He slept with my skank of a cousin. 
          JOHNNY:   Anything I can do to help? 
          LULU:   I want my cousin Valerie out of the picture.   Can you make her disappear?
          JOHNNY:  So you're offing family members now, Lulu?  Is Diabolical Daddy starting to rub
off on you? 
       

           LIZ'S HOUSE

         LIZ: Do you believe Sam, Jason?   Do you think I'm a lying bitch?   Should I invest in flame-proof pants?
         JASON:  Let me get back to you on that.

     
          PATRICK'S HOUSE

          PATRICK:  So, are you divorced from Jason yet?
          SAM:  Working on it.  You know lawyers.
          PATRICK:  Weren't you going to stay and bug your mother until she got it done? 
          SAM:  I had other priorities.  Like rattling Elizabeth's chains.   She TOTALLY knew Jason was Jason and didn't bother to tell him. 
          PATRICK:  We're OVER! 
          SAM:  Overreact much? 
       
         
           KELLY'S

           VALERIE:  I am still so into you, Dante.  Please tell me you won't dump me to get back together with ShrewLu
            DANTE:  I love our booty calls, Valerie, but we have to keep it on the down low.   There are peeps who want to bust us for fraternization. 
            VALERIE:  Ooooh, a secret romance!   That's hot!  

          
            PCPD

            MAXIE:  Surprise!   I miss you, Nathan.   It's so hard to have sex when you're so busy being a cop and I'm so busy being a fashionista. 
            NATHAN:  We're just going to have to make time.  The interrogation room is free...

        
           SAM & PATRICK'S HOUSE

           JASON:  Sorry for being all anger boy on you earlier, Sam.   I'm ready to hear you out now.
           SAM:  Elizabeth knew you were Jason before Carly told you.   She knew for MONTHS. 
           THE TRUTH:  Aaaah, freedom! 

Meet The Truth

     There's a new character on General Hilarity.  He or she (the jury's out on this character's gender) is not portrayed by any actor on the show (you know, budget cuts and all) but plays a central role in many key storylines.  Allow me to introduce The Truth.   The Truth is not just the truth that Liz kept Jason's identity hidden from him.   The Truth represents other truths in Port Chuckles as well, such as Carrrrrrrrrlos being alive and carrying Sabrrrrrrrrrrrrina's baby, Sloane being dead, Paul Hornsby being crooked, Nina being set up by Julian, Nikolas having Hayden shot and Ava helping Paul traffic guns.   The Truth is all-knowing and torments the people who are trying to keep The Truth hidden.


    LIZ'S HOUSE

    SAM:  Liar, liar, PANTS ON FIRE!   (takes a match out of her leather jacket, lights it, and torches Liz's pants)
    LIZ:  What are you?  PSYCHO?   You LITERALLY lit my pants on fire!
    SAM:  Stop, drop, and ROLL in the lies you have been telling Jason since--I don't know--the moment he woke up from having his face re-arranged?
    THE TRUTH:  Preach it, sister!
    LIZ:  (rolling on the floor to put out the flames) You're just jealous because Jason picked ME instead of you.   Helena was right.  You really are a guttersnipe.
    SAM:  Helena was right about YOU too, little miss Innocent Flower.
    GHOST HELENA:  My my!  Such posthumous praise for my unmatched powers of perception.   Or is posthumous a trifle premature a term, considering that I am, after all, a Cassadine.
    LIZ:  Jason loves me.  Deal with it and get the H-E-double hockey sticks out of my house!
    SAM:  I'm SO telling Jason on you.   Kiss your cozy little web of lies goodbye...and buy some fireproof pants.

 
  OUTSIDE KELLY'S

    CARLY:  You can't marry Elizabeth, Jason.   She's setting a trap and you're the mouse.
    JASON:  If you want to be my friend, stop comparing me to rodents.
    CARLY:  I'm totes serious, Jason!   You're supposed to be a gun-totin' MOB GOON, not some Mike Brady wannabe.
    THE TRUTH:  Go Carly!  Go Carly!  Go go go Carly!
    JASON:  What if I don't WANNA be a mob goon?  What if I want to get a perm, wear bellbottoms, design houses with only one bathroom for nine people, and give REALLY GROOVY dad lectures to Greg, Peter, and Bobby--I mean Cameron, Jake and Aiden?
    CARLY:  What's next?  Elizabeth wearing a blond mullet?
    JASON:  Okay, so I have to draw the line somewhere, but it's NONEOFYADAMNBIZNESS if I want to marry Elizabeth!
   CARLY:  It IS TOO my business.  EVERYTHING IN THIS TOWN is my business.  Especially if it involves ANY OTHER WOMAN and you, Sonny, and Michael.  And sometimes Morgan, but Kiki's alright, even if she did run me off the road and almost kill me.


   GALLERY

     JULIAN:  Hey sis, what did one stripey painting say to the other?
     AVA:  Since when do ex-mobsters make dad jokes?
     JULIAN:  Since I AM a dad.  Do Sam, Lucas, and Leo sound familiar to you?
     AVA:  Very funny, Julian.  I've been a little...preoccupied lately...with my new squeeze.  Well, he's sort of a squeeze.  More like a firm embrace.
     JULIAN:  (in a sing-songy voice) Ava has a boyfriend!
     AVA:  He's not a boyfriend.   Yet.   Just a friend with lots of benefits.
     JULIAN:  I'll bet.

 
     HOSPITAL

      SONNY:  So, doc, when will I get out of this GODDAMN wheelchair and start walkin' again?
      PATRICK:  About that...  Nothing doing with your spinal cord, Sonny.   Ever heard of the concept of patience?   Why do you think that's what we call you people we treat in this hospital?  
      SONNY:   SCREW YOU, non-miracle-working quack job!
      PATRICK:  I'm done here.   (leaves)

   
     GALLERY

      SONNY:  THIS is cozy.  What is this?  A warm family gathering of my enemies, among all these stripey paintings?   By the way, Raj called.   He says you've been running assault rifles through this gallery.  A little macabre for modern art, don't you think?
      JULIAN:  So THAT's your secret boyfriend.  Raj.  Hey, I have no prejudice against Southeast Asians.   No need to keep Raj from me.
      AVA:  I don't know anyone named Raj.   Much less someone named Raj who runs guns.
      SONNY:  PFFFFFFFFFFT!    You and Raj are thick as thieves, AVA and my precious daughter is in the middle of your gun-running operation.
      AVA:  PFFFFFFFFFFT right back atcha, Sonny!   You don't scare me.  What's the worst you can do to me?  Roll over me?
      JULIAN:  Why are you associating yourself with Raj the Gunrunner, sis?
      THE TRUTH:  Let's see...she's running military-grade weapons for our stand-up D.A. and her latest booty call, Paul Hornsby?

   
       SLOANE'S APARTMENT

       PAUL:  Hey sad-looking landlord, did you see anyone break into this place?   Someone like--you know--a thin brunette with a British accent who won't return my texts?  
      SAD LANDLORD:  No, but there was a man.  I don't know what he looked like.  All I saw was his, how you say, back side?   What about the bum who lives here? He skip out on rent for three months!
      PAUL:   What did said back side look like?   Never mind.  You go get yourself a sammich and I'll do a little piddling around here.  Who knows?  I may just leave some spare change around to cover that deadbeat's rent.
      THE TRUTH:  Well, you got the "dead" part right.  Are you REALLY inquiring into the state of Mac Scorpio's butt, D.A. Hornsby?  Really? 

   
      PIER 54

         ANNA:  Funny thing happened when I dialed the number I found in Sloane's apartment.   Someone answered.
         MAC:  Don't keep me in suspense, Anna.  Who was it?
         ANNA:  Three guesses.
         MAC:  Donald Trump.
         ANNA:  You're hilarious, Mac.  Try again.
         MAC:  Santa Claus.
         ANNA:  Are you even trying?
         MAC:  The WSB?  Robert?
         ANNA:  It was Paul Hornsby.   Our "upstanding" D.A. is revisiting the skeletons in his closet and adding to his collection by the day.
         MAC:  I want in.
         ANNA:  Are you sure?
         MAC:  I'm bored to tears running The Rib.  I want to be your adventure buddy.

     
     HOSPITAL

     EPIPHANY:  'Fess up, Drake, Jr.  What's eatin' you?
     PATRICK:  It's Sam.  She's in love with me.  But she's also still stuck on Jason.
     EPIPHANY:   How stuck on Jason?   Like band-aid stuck or Krazy Glue stuck?
     PATRICK:  Probably somewhere in-between.
     EPIPHANY:  Remember how you were about to walk down the aisle to marry Sabrina and Robin just waltzed right into that church and back into your life?
     PATRICK:  Yeah, and I ended up dumping Sabrina and Robin ended up dumping me and Emma for unfreezing Jason, then ran off to save the entire continent of Africa.
     EPIPHANY:  You have a point.
     THE TRUTH:  Africa my ass!  She's being held captive by a "dead" woman's goons.  
  
     LIZ'S HOUSE

   SAM: Lying bitch!
   LIZ:  Jealous shrew!
   JASON:  Is there a reality TV show filming here that I don't know about?   
   THE TRUTH:  Buckle your seatbelt, Jason ol' boy!   I'm a-comin' and I'm gonna BLOW YOUR MIND!   
     
   
   

No blog today

      I just wasn't feeling the show today.  The parts of it I saw (before and after the news report) just didn't really inspire me to go online and watch the rest.   I hope next week's shows will be better than this week's.  Until Monday...

Dr. Carrrrrrrrrrrlos

   Another mini-blog today because it's been a very busy week...

    CARLOS:  Zabrrrrrrrrrrrrina, querrrrrrrrrrrrida, I ain't goin' nowhere 'til you talk to me.  

    SABRINA:  Get lost, Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos.  I'm still pretending Michael is the father of my baby.  

    TRACY:  So, Winter Gala anyone?  
  
    DANTE:   Hey Val, wanna go out on a date?   I'm kinda sorta single now. 
  
    VALERIE:  You have to ask?   Here's to dumping my shrew of a cousin.  

     LULU:  GRRRRRRRRR!   I'm FULL OF COUSIN RAGE!    AND CHEATING SOON-TO-BE-EX-HUSBAND RAGE.   GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

     MAXIE:  How to tame the ferocious Lulu???   Tell her not to do anything I would do?  

    AVA:  If I have gallery sex with you, will you tell me where we're shipping your guns?  

    PAUL:  Relax, ladies!   There's enough of me to go around!

    DR. MADDOX:  I have WAYS to keep you in therapy, Ms. Devane

    ANNA:  Therapy's overrated. 

    MICHAEL:  DAMN, that baby's HUGE!