Maxie is relieved when the tiny box Nathan gives her does not contain a ring. Dante and Lulu perform an autopsy on their marriage while being trapped in a hotel room. Liz is none too pleased to learn that Nikolas has married Hayden. Jason and Sam find comfort in familiar surroundings. At The Rib, Andre and Jordan's date goes south, taking Curtis and Valerie's date with it. Nikolas needs Sam's help.
METROCOURT RM 501
LULU: MAAAAXXXXXIIIIIIEEEEE!!!! I'm trapped in this room with my soon-to-be ex-hubby. LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!
DANTE: We could always climb over the balcony...if we could open the damn door! Aren't these doors supposed be OPEN for customers who want to...I don't know...sit out on the balcony and watch pampered princes with their own private island get in fights with amnesiacs and take a swan dive into a dumpster?
LULU: That "pampered prince" was MY BROTHER!
DANTE: Oh, right. Well, it looks like we're stuck here. When we get out, I'm gonna cuff that so-called best buddy of mine for false imprisonment.
MAXIE AND NATHAN'S METROCOURT ROOM
MAXIE: This is the perfect Valentine's Day. You and me, having a romantic dinner after locking our two best friends in a hotel room with nobody on their floor to hear them scream.
NATHAN: Nothing says "I love you" like plotting and scheming together.
MAXIE: Dante and Lulu will thank us for forcing them to work out their issues and find out just where their perfect couplehood went wrong.
NATHAN: I have a little cadeau for you.
MAXIE: Is that a good thing?
NATHAN: Cadeau is French for "present." (presents small jewelry box to Maxie)
MAXIE: OMG! You want to put a ring on it! But I've sworn off marriage after fake-marrying Spinelli, marrying a guy to keep him out of jail, being kidnapped by a fake Aussie who was after my mom's Aztec jewels, the list goes on!
NATHAN: Well it's a good thing there's not a ring in this box.
MAXIE: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT???? Was that a proposal fakeout Nathan West?
FLOATING RIB
JORDAN: RUN, Valerie. RUN, don't walk, away from Curtis.
VALERIE: Are there any guys in this town I CAN date?
ANDRE: So, Curtis, what went down with you and Jordan Ashford? Why does she harbor so much resentment toward you?
CURTIS: Harbor resentment??? What are you, a shrink or something?
ANDRE: I'm surprised Miss Ashford has discussed my profession with you.
CURTIS: She didn't have to. Walks like a shrink. Quacks like a shrink...
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Hayden stole the cookies from the cookie jar.
HAYDEN: Who? Me?
LIZ: Yes, you!
HAYDEN: Couldn't be!
NIKOLAS: Welcome back to the castle, Liz. You know which wing's yours.
HAYDEN: As sorry as I feel for poor Elizabeth and her exploded house, isn't three a crowd for our honeymoon?
LIZ: HONEYMOON???
SAM'S PENTHOUSE
JASON: Guess what? I remembered where the kitchen is! And how to make pasta!
SAM: Edible food! Yum!
JASON: It's more than just edible. I think. I had a memory of me making a pretty good Pasta With Some Good Stuff On It.
SAM: It was your signature dish.
JASON: So here's the list of stuff I remember about our marriage: I'm a kickass superhero, my favorite fragrance is Eau de Wet Sam, I like making out with you, and I know how to get creative with noodles.
SAM: Now that's what I call progress!
THE FLOATING RIB
VALERIE: So, tell me about your days as a coke addict.
CURTIS: Well, it started with the classic. Then the new stuff came out and it wasn't that good, so I went back to the classic. I tried the diet version and even the zero, but I was payin' too much for dental work so I kicked the habit.
VALERIE: I guess kicking the soda habit is a smart move, but what about the drugs?
CURTIS: Sugar can be addicting. It was my drug.
VALERIE: OMG, look at the time. Gotta study for cop school.
CURTIS: I gotta find a new place to hang out.
METROCOURT ROOM 501
LULU: Since we're stuck in here, Dante, we might was well go all CSI on our marriage. You know, lay it out on the table and see just what caused it to croak.
DANTE: It beats sitting around reading old issues of Crimson, may cousin Connie rest in peace.
LULU: So, where shall we start?
DANTE: Well, I cheated so there's that.
LULU: Medical examiner Lulu says that your roll in the sack with Cousin Val was merely a symptom of the advanced disease afflicting our marriage. Medical examiner Lulu says our marriage was suffering from a serious case of LackOfTrustOsis.
DANTE: I say Medical examiner Lulu has daddy issues.
LULU: Say WHAAAAAAAAT?????
MAXIE AND NATHAN'S METROCOURT ROOM
NATHAN: Sorry for the fakeout, Maxie, but I thought you'd like this charm with Georgie's birthstone on it better than some silly old engagement ring. It's a symbol that I'm totally cool with you having a kid with another man. I want to be a family with you and Georgie, but we can wait on the whole marriage thing until you're sure I'm not a hacker, on my way to jail, or after your family's jewels.
MAXIE: Nathan, that's so SWEET! I'm getting all the missing Georgie, loving you, wanting to check on Dante and Lulu feels.
NATHAN: I'm cool with the first two feels, but let's leave Dante and Lulu alone and have some Valentine's Day no engagement sex!
THE FLOATING RIB
ANDRE: Tell me, Jordan, what is it about Curtis that makes you feel so ill at ease?
JORDAN: Besides the fact that he had a part in all the troubles between me and Tommy before Tommy died in Afghanistan, the fact that he did coke, and a few other unsavory things, nothing at all.
ANDRE: It seems your issues with Curtis run deep.
JORDAN: Are you trying to shrink me? Is this some new form of dating I haven't caught on to? Dinner and psychoanalysis all in one romantic package?
ANDRE: I'm sorry my inner shrink took over. When he has too many beers, there's no shutting him up.
JORDAN: Okay, well, it kinda killed the mood. What time is it getting to be? I don't want to be late for my date with my bed. (leaves)
ANDRE: Do I still have Anna's number?
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: I have to go talk orthopedics with Jake's doctor. He might have broken another leg or something.
NIKOLAS: Poor kid.
HAYDEN: Yeah, poor kid. Even I have sympathy for him.
NIKOLAS: That's very human of you, Hayden. For that, you can have another one of Grandmother's bracelets.
HAYDEN: I can't wait to do enough nice things to collect them all!
NIKOLAS: I'll give it to you with dinner and you can call it a Happy Meal.
HAYDEN: Give it to me with Le Petit Mort and it will be an even happier meal.
SAM'S PENTHOUSE
SAM: (over phone) Nikolas? I thought I un-cousined you when you stole ELQ from Jason's family.
NIKOLAS: Look, Sam, I know we're on bad cousin terms and all, but you're the only P.I. I know of and I think my new wife has a closet full of skeletons and I need your help finding the one named Rachel.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Friday, February 12, 2016
Where There's A Will...
What says "Happy Valentine's Day" better than the reading of The Queen of Darkness's will? It remains to be seen whether or not said Queen is really dead (I hope she's not!) but Laura hems and haws over whether or not to hear the will being read. Nikolas claims he already has a copy of the will and Hayden tries to sneak a peek. Maxie and Nathan conspire to get Dante and Lulu together for V Day while Jordan spends her date with Andre preoccupied with Curtis, who's on a date with Valerie. Kristina seeks advice from Lucas and Brad. Molly wants to take the next step with TJ. Against medical advice, Sam leaves the hospital with Jason.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: Can you two stop sucking face for two seconds so I can ask my son whether or not he is going to the dramatic, theatrical reading of Helena's will?
NIKOLAS: What's there to read, Mother? I already have the will right here (points to his head).
HAYDEN: Really, Nikolas? Care to enlighten your new wife as to who gets what?
LAURA: Newsflash, Hayden: Helena doesn't know you exist, so you get NOTHING!
HOSPITAL
SAM: I wanna go HOME! For real this time.
JASON: What part of recovering from nearly exploding do you not get?
SAM: But I'm BORED here and I want to see Danny.
JASON: FINE, but you have to rest and WEAR FLATS.
MOLLY: OMG, Kristina! YOU'RE A LESBIAN!
KRISTINA: OMG, Molly! YOU'RE WRONG!
MOLLY: But P is for Parker and she's a woman.
KRISTINA: P is for Peter Parker and he's SPIDERMAN!
MOLLY: Very funny, Kristina. Why won't you just admit you're gay and be done with it?
KRISTINA: Maybe YOU'RE gay, Molly!
MOLLY: Am NOT!
KRISTINA: Prove it. Do the wild monkey dance with TJ.
FLOATING RIB
ANDRE: Why do I have the feeling there are three people on this date?
JORDAN: I am SO SORRY I'm obsessed with Curtis and the way he's going to screw up Valerie more than she's already screwed up.
ANDRE: I think you have deeper issues with this Curtis. Do you want to discuss them with me?
JORDAN: What, am I in a therapy session now?
ANDRE: I promise I won't charge you a penny!
JORDAN: Fine. Curtis is my ex brother in law and stuff went down between me, him, and TJ's father Thomas. I don't call him Curtis UpToNoGood for nothing.
CURTIS: Good luck with this being a cop stuff. Been there, done that, skipped the T-shirt.
VALERIE: I'll keep that in mind.
JORDAN: Stay away from Curtis, Valerie. He is T.R.O.U.B.L.E
VALERIE: At least he's not married to a cousin I only recently found out I had.
SAM'S PENTHOUSE
SAM: There's no place like home! There's no place like home!
JASON: I hope those aren't 6" heels you're clicking.
DANNY: Daddy, wanna play legos?
JASON: How about a few bedtime stories instead, kiddo? Seeing what just happened to Elizabeth's house, I think I'll stay away from anything involving the Big Bad Wolf.
SAM: Probably a good idea.
HAUNTED STAR
LAURA: Lulu, should I go to the reading of my evil one-time stepmother's will? On the one hand, there can't be anything GOOD in it for me because she hated me with the fire of a thousand suns. On the other hand, morbid curiosity is not to be discounted.
LULU: Knowing that woman, she probably left you something radioactive. I'd stay away.
FLOATING RIB
MAXIE: Sad, sad Dante. He looks so miserable playing pool by himself. I have a plan.
NATHAN: I am NOT, I repeat NOT dressing as cupid.
MAXIE: Okay, plan B then. You distract Frowny McSadface while I pry Lulu away from pouring booze at the Haunted Star.
NATHAN: The things I do for love... (to Dante) Partner, rack 'em up.
HAUNTED STAR
MAXIE: Happy Valentine's Day, Lulu! Now step away from the bar because I, your BFF, have a surprise for you.
LULU: Why are you giving me a key to a hotel room? Are you evicting me?
MAXIE: Your masseur awaits. Now drop the booze and get over there NOW! (dials Nathan) Elvis has left the building. I mean Lulu has left the boat.
FLOATING RIB
NATHAN: Duty calls at the MetroCourt. Room 501.
DANTE: I'm bored silly. I'll take it.
NATHAN: It's all yours, Partner.
HOSPITAL
KRISTINA: Lucas, Brad, my friend wants to know when you knew you were gay.
LUCAS: It was around the time I discovered I didn't like girls.
BRAD: When I came shimmying out of my mom's ute and belted "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow".
KRISTINA: Yeah, thanks, I'll let my friend know.
HAUNTED STAR
MOLLY: TJ, let's get out of here and have some SEX!
TJ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
MOLLY: I'm ready to do the deed. Are you?
TJ: I guess.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Let's have a look-see at Nutty Granny's will, shall we?
LIZ: BUSTED!
METROCOURT ROOM 501
LULU: Where's my mass--Dante?
DANTE: Lulu?
LULU: I smell a setup. Sorry about this. I need to go yell at Maxie. If I can get out of this room!
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: Can you two stop sucking face for two seconds so I can ask my son whether or not he is going to the dramatic, theatrical reading of Helena's will?
NIKOLAS: What's there to read, Mother? I already have the will right here (points to his head).
HAYDEN: Really, Nikolas? Care to enlighten your new wife as to who gets what?
LAURA: Newsflash, Hayden: Helena doesn't know you exist, so you get NOTHING!
HOSPITAL
SAM: I wanna go HOME! For real this time.
JASON: What part of recovering from nearly exploding do you not get?
SAM: But I'm BORED here and I want to see Danny.
JASON: FINE, but you have to rest and WEAR FLATS.
MOLLY: OMG, Kristina! YOU'RE A LESBIAN!
KRISTINA: OMG, Molly! YOU'RE WRONG!
MOLLY: But P is for Parker and she's a woman.
KRISTINA: P is for Peter Parker and he's SPIDERMAN!
MOLLY: Very funny, Kristina. Why won't you just admit you're gay and be done with it?
KRISTINA: Maybe YOU'RE gay, Molly!
MOLLY: Am NOT!
KRISTINA: Prove it. Do the wild monkey dance with TJ.
FLOATING RIB
ANDRE: Why do I have the feeling there are three people on this date?
JORDAN: I am SO SORRY I'm obsessed with Curtis and the way he's going to screw up Valerie more than she's already screwed up.
ANDRE: I think you have deeper issues with this Curtis. Do you want to discuss them with me?
JORDAN: What, am I in a therapy session now?
ANDRE: I promise I won't charge you a penny!
JORDAN: Fine. Curtis is my ex brother in law and stuff went down between me, him, and TJ's father Thomas. I don't call him Curtis UpToNoGood for nothing.
CURTIS: Good luck with this being a cop stuff. Been there, done that, skipped the T-shirt.
VALERIE: I'll keep that in mind.
JORDAN: Stay away from Curtis, Valerie. He is T.R.O.U.B.L.E
VALERIE: At least he's not married to a cousin I only recently found out I had.
SAM'S PENTHOUSE
SAM: There's no place like home! There's no place like home!
JASON: I hope those aren't 6" heels you're clicking.
DANNY: Daddy, wanna play legos?
JASON: How about a few bedtime stories instead, kiddo? Seeing what just happened to Elizabeth's house, I think I'll stay away from anything involving the Big Bad Wolf.
SAM: Probably a good idea.
HAUNTED STAR
LAURA: Lulu, should I go to the reading of my evil one-time stepmother's will? On the one hand, there can't be anything GOOD in it for me because she hated me with the fire of a thousand suns. On the other hand, morbid curiosity is not to be discounted.
LULU: Knowing that woman, she probably left you something radioactive. I'd stay away.
FLOATING RIB
MAXIE: Sad, sad Dante. He looks so miserable playing pool by himself. I have a plan.
NATHAN: I am NOT, I repeat NOT dressing as cupid.
MAXIE: Okay, plan B then. You distract Frowny McSadface while I pry Lulu away from pouring booze at the Haunted Star.
NATHAN: The things I do for love... (to Dante) Partner, rack 'em up.
HAUNTED STAR
MAXIE: Happy Valentine's Day, Lulu! Now step away from the bar because I, your BFF, have a surprise for you.
LULU: Why are you giving me a key to a hotel room? Are you evicting me?
MAXIE: Your masseur awaits. Now drop the booze and get over there NOW! (dials Nathan) Elvis has left the building. I mean Lulu has left the boat.
FLOATING RIB
NATHAN: Duty calls at the MetroCourt. Room 501.
DANTE: I'm bored silly. I'll take it.
NATHAN: It's all yours, Partner.
HOSPITAL
KRISTINA: Lucas, Brad, my friend wants to know when you knew you were gay.
LUCAS: It was around the time I discovered I didn't like girls.
BRAD: When I came shimmying out of my mom's ute and belted "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow".
KRISTINA: Yeah, thanks, I'll let my friend know.
HAUNTED STAR
MOLLY: TJ, let's get out of here and have some SEX!
TJ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
MOLLY: I'm ready to do the deed. Are you?
TJ: I guess.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Let's have a look-see at Nutty Granny's will, shall we?
LIZ: BUSTED!
METROCOURT ROOM 501
LULU: Where's my mass--Dante?
DANTE: Lulu?
LULU: I smell a setup. Sorry about this. I need to go yell at Maxie. If I can get out of this room!
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Sorry Your House Exploded
Hayden grows concerned when Tracy spaces out during their meeting. Sonny and Griffin come to an understanding. Sam visits Jake to let him know she's still among the living. Liz and her exploded house are the subject of a hospital-wide email. Nathan's not cool with Dillon taking pix of Maxie. Sonny and Alexis confront Kristina on why she's AWOL from school. Nikolas does a little research on the guy who called Hayden Rachel in Las Vegas.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
HAYDEN: Tracy, what the what? You were in the middle of yelling at me when you went all space cadet.
TRACY: I'm as healthy as a horse, RACHEL. Save your concern for your dear father.
HAYDEN: WHAT father? The one I've disowned?
TRACY: How can you disown your own FATHER? I may have played fast and loose with my daddy's heart medication once, but I never pretended he didn't exist.
FLOATING RIB
NATHAN: Isn't this cozy? The question is, why?
MAXIE: Dillon was just showing me the pictures he took.
DILLON: Maxie is a REAL WOMAN!
NATHAN: No kidding? Here I thought she was a very cute, sexy robot.
MAXIE: What Dillon means is that he arm-twisted me into modeling for the Crimson photo shoot. But don't worry--not one square inch of boob was showing.
SAM'S HOSPITAL ROOM
SAM: I wanna go HOME!
JASON: Hey, I feel ya, Sam. I mean, when I was in the hospital being force-fed Dr. Obrecht's NutriGruel slop, I was ready to jump out the nearest window, but I stayed put until Dr. O shoved bills in my face that I couldn't pay because I didn't have insurance, because I didn't have the foggiest idea who I was.
SAM: How fast can I get my insurance to drop me so Dr. O will kick me out?
JASON: That was SO not the point of that story.
ALEXIS: I come bearing sisters.
MOLLY & KRISTINA: Surprise!
JAKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM
JAKE: I'm sorry I hurt Sam.
LIZ: Are you sorry you lied? Lying is REALLY REALLY BAD, Jakey. I should know. When I lied, Daddy got mad and broke up with me.
JASON: But I'm still your dad, kiddo. Just put the kibosh on the lying, destruction of picture frames, and creepy drawings, okay?
JAKE: Is Sam dead?
SAM: SO not dead!
JAKE: She's wearing white. SHE'S A GHOST!!!!!
EXAM ROOM
GRIFFIN: Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't lying to your wife not a good thing?
SONNY: If Carly knows I can stand, the EVERYBODY knows I can stand. She's my wife and I love her, but she's got the biggest mouth in all of Port Chuckles. I can't have my *ahem* business rivals *ahem* knowin' I'm on the rise, you see.
GRIFFIN: Coffee importing is a lot more competitive than I'd ever imagined.
SONNY: I have to let The Jer--I mean Starbucks--think I'm chained to a chair so they won't see me coming.
GRIFFIN: If you say so.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
DILLON: Don't stop talking on my account. It looks like I walked in on a very juicy scene.
HAYDEN: Just ELQ shop talk. Tracy, get thee to a doctor STAT. Gotta go back to my castle and my prince of a hubby.
DILLON: Mom, what's up? Why does Hayden want you to see a doctor?
TRACY: Doctor Schmoctor! I'm fine! Hayden is under the delusion that I had a seizure or a stroke or something! Isn't that crazy? Maybe SHE should be the one seeing a doctor.
JAKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM
JAKE: Sam, I'm sorry I left you for dead and bolted.
SAM: I'm sorry you got run over by another car.
JAKE: Mom says it's not your fault that she and Daddy aren't together and that lying is very very bad.
SAM: It's not your fault I wear such high heels and trip and fall a lot.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: (siting at his computer) Baxter Corbin, who the hell are you and why did you call my wife Rachel?
OUTSIDE JAKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM
NURSE: I'm sorry your house exploded, Elizabeth. We nurses brought some Sorry Your House Exploded toys for the kids.
NIKOLAS: Liz, I heard your house exploded. Come live at Wyndemere with me, my mother, Spencer and...oh yeah...Hayden.
DR. MUNRO: I don't know you, but I read in an email that your house exploded. Tough break. Let me know if you need some help.
LIZ: All the gratitude feels!!!!
HOSPITAL LOBBY
KRISTINA: Hi Dad. How's Project Ditch This Wheelchair?
SONNY: Aren't you supposed to be in school?
KRISTINA: Well, Sam almost got blown up when Elizabeth's house exploded. I guess you don't watch the news because everyone in town knows that Elizabeth's house exploded.
SONNY: Is Sam okay?
KRISTINA: Thanks to SuperJason, who burst in there two seconds before the house went KABOOM!
SONNY: That's my Jason! Now get back to school.
ALEXIS: What he said, Kristina. Back to school.
KRISTINA: No can do.
SONNY & ALEXIS: Say WHAAAAAAAT?
SONNY: You better start 'splainin' NOW!
KRISTINA: My prof that I engaged in some...extracurricular activities...with said I should study independently. You know, away from parties and dorms and all that college stuff. See ya!
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
HAYDEN: Tracy, what the what? You were in the middle of yelling at me when you went all space cadet.
TRACY: I'm as healthy as a horse, RACHEL. Save your concern for your dear father.
HAYDEN: WHAT father? The one I've disowned?
TRACY: How can you disown your own FATHER? I may have played fast and loose with my daddy's heart medication once, but I never pretended he didn't exist.
FLOATING RIB
NATHAN: Isn't this cozy? The question is, why?
MAXIE: Dillon was just showing me the pictures he took.
DILLON: Maxie is a REAL WOMAN!
NATHAN: No kidding? Here I thought she was a very cute, sexy robot.
MAXIE: What Dillon means is that he arm-twisted me into modeling for the Crimson photo shoot. But don't worry--not one square inch of boob was showing.
SAM'S HOSPITAL ROOM
SAM: I wanna go HOME!
JASON: Hey, I feel ya, Sam. I mean, when I was in the hospital being force-fed Dr. Obrecht's NutriGruel slop, I was ready to jump out the nearest window, but I stayed put until Dr. O shoved bills in my face that I couldn't pay because I didn't have insurance, because I didn't have the foggiest idea who I was.
SAM: How fast can I get my insurance to drop me so Dr. O will kick me out?
JASON: That was SO not the point of that story.
ALEXIS: I come bearing sisters.
MOLLY & KRISTINA: Surprise!
JAKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM
JAKE: I'm sorry I hurt Sam.
LIZ: Are you sorry you lied? Lying is REALLY REALLY BAD, Jakey. I should know. When I lied, Daddy got mad and broke up with me.
JASON: But I'm still your dad, kiddo. Just put the kibosh on the lying, destruction of picture frames, and creepy drawings, okay?
JAKE: Is Sam dead?
SAM: SO not dead!
JAKE: She's wearing white. SHE'S A GHOST!!!!!
EXAM ROOM
GRIFFIN: Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't lying to your wife not a good thing?
SONNY: If Carly knows I can stand, the EVERYBODY knows I can stand. She's my wife and I love her, but she's got the biggest mouth in all of Port Chuckles. I can't have my *ahem* business rivals *ahem* knowin' I'm on the rise, you see.
GRIFFIN: Coffee importing is a lot more competitive than I'd ever imagined.
SONNY: I have to let The Jer--I mean Starbucks--think I'm chained to a chair so they won't see me coming.
GRIFFIN: If you say so.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
DILLON: Don't stop talking on my account. It looks like I walked in on a very juicy scene.
HAYDEN: Just ELQ shop talk. Tracy, get thee to a doctor STAT. Gotta go back to my castle and my prince of a hubby.
DILLON: Mom, what's up? Why does Hayden want you to see a doctor?
TRACY: Doctor Schmoctor! I'm fine! Hayden is under the delusion that I had a seizure or a stroke or something! Isn't that crazy? Maybe SHE should be the one seeing a doctor.
JAKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM
JAKE: Sam, I'm sorry I left you for dead and bolted.
SAM: I'm sorry you got run over by another car.
JAKE: Mom says it's not your fault that she and Daddy aren't together and that lying is very very bad.
SAM: It's not your fault I wear such high heels and trip and fall a lot.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: (siting at his computer) Baxter Corbin, who the hell are you and why did you call my wife Rachel?
OUTSIDE JAKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM
NURSE: I'm sorry your house exploded, Elizabeth. We nurses brought some Sorry Your House Exploded toys for the kids.
NIKOLAS: Liz, I heard your house exploded. Come live at Wyndemere with me, my mother, Spencer and...oh yeah...Hayden.
DR. MUNRO: I don't know you, but I read in an email that your house exploded. Tough break. Let me know if you need some help.
LIZ: All the gratitude feels!!!!
HOSPITAL LOBBY
KRISTINA: Hi Dad. How's Project Ditch This Wheelchair?
SONNY: Aren't you supposed to be in school?
KRISTINA: Well, Sam almost got blown up when Elizabeth's house exploded. I guess you don't watch the news because everyone in town knows that Elizabeth's house exploded.
SONNY: Is Sam okay?
KRISTINA: Thanks to SuperJason, who burst in there two seconds before the house went KABOOM!
SONNY: That's my Jason! Now get back to school.
ALEXIS: What he said, Kristina. Back to school.
KRISTINA: No can do.
SONNY & ALEXIS: Say WHAAAAAAAT?
SONNY: You better start 'splainin' NOW!
KRISTINA: My prof that I engaged in some...extracurricular activities...with said I should study independently. You know, away from parties and dorms and all that college stuff. See ya!
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Real Women...And Imaginary 2 X 4s
Tracy and Michael argue about regaining ELQ. Julian gets an eyeful of Olivia and Alexis is not happy. Sonny meets his new doctor and the face is familiar. Nina fills her brother in on her baby envy and Franco's reluctance to become a father. Dillon wants Maxie to rep for the millennials in the Real Women issue of Crimson. Hayden has somewhere to be after returning from her quickie Vegas wedding.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
MICHAEL: Alexis, are you sure you're the best lawyer to represent us in this suit against Nikolas? After all, you are his aunt.
ALEXIS: Nikolas is channeling his inner Helena. I hate Helena with the fire of a thousand suns. I am Danny's grandmother. Danny is a Quartermaine. I rest my case.
MICHAEL: Oooookay.
TRACY: PFFFFFFFFT! Alexis is irrelevant. I have a plan that will put the Q back in ELQ faster than you can get hitched in Vegas.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: Welcome back from your elopement, Nikolas. Now I know not to hold my breath for a wedding invitation.
NIKOLAS: Life is short, Mother. I found that out by sailing over a balcony a few days before Christmas. There's no time to waste on a long engagement and an over-the-top Wyndemere wedding. Clowns and fake fast food royalty get the job done a lot faster.
HAYDEN: Hello, mother-in-law! Thanks for the bubbles, by the way! Nice touch.
LAURA: Don't thank me. Thank your new stepson who is far too young to enjoy said bubbles.
HAYDEN: Isn't little Spence the BEST?
NIKOLAS: Now that you're here, mother, how about a toast to the newlyweds.
LAURA: Fine. Nikolas, Hayden, I raise my glass to you. Your marriage is toast.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
NINA: Jay, where's Maxie?
NATHAN: She's at the photo shoot at The Rib.
NINA: And she didn't bother to send her BOSS a memo? Whatevs! I'm totes kewl with that. See how I'm down with millennial lingo? I guess that's what happens when you're in a 23 year coma and you're brain's still, what, 22? By the way, I talked to Franco about having a baby.
NATHAN: Wait, didn't you tell me that because of the coma our demented mother, well my demented fake mother/aunt, put you in cause you to already go through The Change of Life?
NINA: Change, schmange! It's 2016. Anything can happen if I can convince Franco his DNA isn't radioactive or our history of serial killing/uterus robbing/kidnapping doesn't prevent us from adopting.
NATHAN: Yeah, good luck with that.
NINA: How's life living over that BLT factory?
NATHAN: About that...I need to send you a change of address. I'm living here now. It's like Three's Company...and a toddler, so make that three and a half.
FLOATING RIB
JULIAN: How's the photo shoot going? (to self) Dare I hope for disaster?
MAXIE: It was perfect, Mr. Jerome. Olivia's boobs did their job and Leo didn't cry once. That kid was HANGRY!
OLIVIA: What can I say? My kid's gotta eat.
DILLON: That meal will be immortalized for the rest of his life. Nice work, Olivia's boobs! I can assure you they will be more than fairly compensated.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
MAX: Hey, Boss, I've got some intel on our Southeast Asian arms dealer.
SONNY: We need to stop that shipment before it comes into Port Chuckles. That way, we shut down the Jeromes, bust their asses, and I get my daughter back. Capiche?
JULIAN'S OFFICE
JULIAN: No, that one won't do. WAY too much boob. Do I detect a nipple? We can't have a nipple.
OLIVIA: Micromanage my boobs much, Julian?
JULIAN: That's our KID attached to one of those boobs.
OLIVIA: How about that shot. No nipple. Leo's even smiling.
JULIAN: Bad lighting.
OLIVIA: Go figure.
JULIAN: Maybe I don't want your boobs on display for all the world to see.
OLIVIA: What do you care about MY boobs?
ALEXIS: Good question. What DO you care about Olivia's boobs, Julian?
FLOATING RIB
DILLON: All this real woman stuff is great, but where are the under 40 chicks? Don't get me wrong--Olivia looked great, but we need a voice of the millennials.
MAXIE: I can see your point. All generations need to be represented.
DILLON: Here's an idea. How about YOU be the Real Millennial Woman, Maxie?
MAXIE: Sorry, try again. I'm SO not a model and remember when I tried acting? You kept hallucinating that I was Lulu.
DILLON: Hello? These are REAL WOMEN, Maxie, not models. Last I checked, you were real.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: Hello Mr. and Mrs. Corinthos. Hey, why does he look so familiar? It's like deja vu or something.
SONNY: I'm the guy you saw in the chapel. Nice job pretending not to be a doctor, by the way.
GRIFFIN: I never said I WASN'T a doctor. I'm the new neurosurgeon. A buddy from med school told me there was an an opening here. A guy named Lucas Jones.
CARLY: Lucas Jones as in my brother? Sweet!
SONNY: Let's see how good he is at doctoring first, Carly.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
HAYDEN: Check out this ring! Nikolas and I got married by The Burger King at a fake Vegas castle. Isn't that the awesomesauce?
TRACY: Nice rock for something that didn't come out of a Cracker Jack box.
HAYDEN: Well, there's just the matter of the prenup...
TRACY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT? You signed A PRENUP???? I could bop you upside the head with a 2 X 4 right now!
HAYDEN: I guess it's a good thing we're not at a Home Depot right now. Relax, Tracy. I've got some serious leverage over Prince Nikolas.
TRACY: And that leverage would be what? Pictures of him dressed as Queen Guinevere of Camelot?
HAYDEN: Even better.
TRACY: Spill it, RACHEL
HAYDEN: A good magician never reveals her secret.
TRACY: Um...I hope...Nikolas...
HAYDEN: Tracy, are you having a stroke?
OUTSIDE JULIAN'S OFFICE
JULIAN: Come on, Alexis! Just because I looked at some pictures of Olivia's boobs doesn't mean I prefer looking at her boobs to looking at yours. Your boobs are my favorite boobs EVER!
ALEXIS: So you love me just for my girls?
JULIAN: Well, Sam's my favorite since she's my daughter and all, but Molly and Kristina are alright too.
ALEXIS: You're lucky I don't have a 2 X 4 on me right now.
JULIAN'S OFFICE
NINA: OMG, Olivia, these boob shots are amazing! Leo is SOOOOOO cute and I want one just like him. Can you Xerox him and give a copy to me and Franco?
OLIVIA: You're funny, Nina. In an out-there sort of way. I'm glad my boobs helped you with your magazine.
THE FLOATING RIB
DILLON: These pictures are not just about your beauty, Maxie. They are a window into your soul.
MAXIE: That's really...poetic.
NATHAN: I really could use a 2 X 4 right now.
HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM
GRIFFIN: So, Mr. Corinthos, Sonny, whatever you want me to call you, your chart says you were shot. Is that correct.
SONNY: Yeah, that's right, doc. Welcome to Port Chuckles. If you haven't been shot at least once, you haven't been living in this town long enough.
GRIFFIN: I'll keep that in mind. So how's PT coming?
SONNY: Piph's been working me hard, doc. My upper body is in the best shape it's been all my life.
GRIFFIN: And your lower body?
SONNY: I had a feeling once in my leg region.
CARLY: This has all been fun, but I've gotta go clean up a mess at the MetroCourt. Nice looking at--I mean meeting--you, Dr. Munro.
GRIFFIN: A feeling in your leg region my ass! You can STAND, can't you?
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
MICHAEL: Alexis, are you sure you're the best lawyer to represent us in this suit against Nikolas? After all, you are his aunt.
ALEXIS: Nikolas is channeling his inner Helena. I hate Helena with the fire of a thousand suns. I am Danny's grandmother. Danny is a Quartermaine. I rest my case.
MICHAEL: Oooookay.
TRACY: PFFFFFFFFT! Alexis is irrelevant. I have a plan that will put the Q back in ELQ faster than you can get hitched in Vegas.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: Welcome back from your elopement, Nikolas. Now I know not to hold my breath for a wedding invitation.
NIKOLAS: Life is short, Mother. I found that out by sailing over a balcony a few days before Christmas. There's no time to waste on a long engagement and an over-the-top Wyndemere wedding. Clowns and fake fast food royalty get the job done a lot faster.
HAYDEN: Hello, mother-in-law! Thanks for the bubbles, by the way! Nice touch.
LAURA: Don't thank me. Thank your new stepson who is far too young to enjoy said bubbles.
HAYDEN: Isn't little Spence the BEST?
NIKOLAS: Now that you're here, mother, how about a toast to the newlyweds.
LAURA: Fine. Nikolas, Hayden, I raise my glass to you. Your marriage is toast.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
NINA: Jay, where's Maxie?
NATHAN: She's at the photo shoot at The Rib.
NINA: And she didn't bother to send her BOSS a memo? Whatevs! I'm totes kewl with that. See how I'm down with millennial lingo? I guess that's what happens when you're in a 23 year coma and you're brain's still, what, 22? By the way, I talked to Franco about having a baby.
NATHAN: Wait, didn't you tell me that because of the coma our demented mother, well my demented fake mother/aunt, put you in cause you to already go through The Change of Life?
NINA: Change, schmange! It's 2016. Anything can happen if I can convince Franco his DNA isn't radioactive or our history of serial killing/uterus robbing/kidnapping doesn't prevent us from adopting.
NATHAN: Yeah, good luck with that.
NINA: How's life living over that BLT factory?
NATHAN: About that...I need to send you a change of address. I'm living here now. It's like Three's Company...and a toddler, so make that three and a half.
FLOATING RIB
JULIAN: How's the photo shoot going? (to self) Dare I hope for disaster?
MAXIE: It was perfect, Mr. Jerome. Olivia's boobs did their job and Leo didn't cry once. That kid was HANGRY!
OLIVIA: What can I say? My kid's gotta eat.
DILLON: That meal will be immortalized for the rest of his life. Nice work, Olivia's boobs! I can assure you they will be more than fairly compensated.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
MAX: Hey, Boss, I've got some intel on our Southeast Asian arms dealer.
SONNY: We need to stop that shipment before it comes into Port Chuckles. That way, we shut down the Jeromes, bust their asses, and I get my daughter back. Capiche?
JULIAN'S OFFICE
JULIAN: No, that one won't do. WAY too much boob. Do I detect a nipple? We can't have a nipple.
OLIVIA: Micromanage my boobs much, Julian?
JULIAN: That's our KID attached to one of those boobs.
OLIVIA: How about that shot. No nipple. Leo's even smiling.
JULIAN: Bad lighting.
OLIVIA: Go figure.
JULIAN: Maybe I don't want your boobs on display for all the world to see.
OLIVIA: What do you care about MY boobs?
ALEXIS: Good question. What DO you care about Olivia's boobs, Julian?
FLOATING RIB
DILLON: All this real woman stuff is great, but where are the under 40 chicks? Don't get me wrong--Olivia looked great, but we need a voice of the millennials.
MAXIE: I can see your point. All generations need to be represented.
DILLON: Here's an idea. How about YOU be the Real Millennial Woman, Maxie?
MAXIE: Sorry, try again. I'm SO not a model and remember when I tried acting? You kept hallucinating that I was Lulu.
DILLON: Hello? These are REAL WOMEN, Maxie, not models. Last I checked, you were real.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: Hello Mr. and Mrs. Corinthos. Hey, why does he look so familiar? It's like deja vu or something.
SONNY: I'm the guy you saw in the chapel. Nice job pretending not to be a doctor, by the way.
GRIFFIN: I never said I WASN'T a doctor. I'm the new neurosurgeon. A buddy from med school told me there was an an opening here. A guy named Lucas Jones.
CARLY: Lucas Jones as in my brother? Sweet!
SONNY: Let's see how good he is at doctoring first, Carly.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
HAYDEN: Check out this ring! Nikolas and I got married by The Burger King at a fake Vegas castle. Isn't that the awesomesauce?
TRACY: Nice rock for something that didn't come out of a Cracker Jack box.
HAYDEN: Well, there's just the matter of the prenup...
TRACY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT? You signed A PRENUP???? I could bop you upside the head with a 2 X 4 right now!
HAYDEN: I guess it's a good thing we're not at a Home Depot right now. Relax, Tracy. I've got some serious leverage over Prince Nikolas.
TRACY: And that leverage would be what? Pictures of him dressed as Queen Guinevere of Camelot?
HAYDEN: Even better.
TRACY: Spill it, RACHEL
HAYDEN: A good magician never reveals her secret.
TRACY: Um...I hope...Nikolas...
HAYDEN: Tracy, are you having a stroke?
OUTSIDE JULIAN'S OFFICE
JULIAN: Come on, Alexis! Just because I looked at some pictures of Olivia's boobs doesn't mean I prefer looking at her boobs to looking at yours. Your boobs are my favorite boobs EVER!
ALEXIS: So you love me just for my girls?
JULIAN: Well, Sam's my favorite since she's my daughter and all, but Molly and Kristina are alright too.
ALEXIS: You're lucky I don't have a 2 X 4 on me right now.
JULIAN'S OFFICE
NINA: OMG, Olivia, these boob shots are amazing! Leo is SOOOOOO cute and I want one just like him. Can you Xerox him and give a copy to me and Franco?
OLIVIA: You're funny, Nina. In an out-there sort of way. I'm glad my boobs helped you with your magazine.
THE FLOATING RIB
DILLON: These pictures are not just about your beauty, Maxie. They are a window into your soul.
MAXIE: That's really...poetic.
NATHAN: I really could use a 2 X 4 right now.
HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM
GRIFFIN: So, Mr. Corinthos, Sonny, whatever you want me to call you, your chart says you were shot. Is that correct.
SONNY: Yeah, that's right, doc. Welcome to Port Chuckles. If you haven't been shot at least once, you haven't been living in this town long enough.
GRIFFIN: I'll keep that in mind. So how's PT coming?
SONNY: Piph's been working me hard, doc. My upper body is in the best shape it's been all my life.
GRIFFIN: And your lower body?
SONNY: I had a feeling once in my leg region.
CARLY: This has all been fun, but I've gotta go clean up a mess at the MetroCourt. Nice looking at--I mean meeting--you, Dr. Munro.
GRIFFIN: A feeling in your leg region my ass! You can STAND, can't you?
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Cohabitation
Maxie invites Nathan to move in with her, Lulu and Rocco. Anna plays the vulnerable card to get some dirt on Paul. Sam reassures Liz that she doesn't blame Jake for her fall down the stairs. Ava envies Julian's mob-free life. Alexis visits Sam in the hospital.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
NATHAN: Maxie, I think we should move in together.
MAXIE: What a coincidence! So do I! Only we have to stay here because Lulu is having all the sad feels about her marriage to Dante being over.
NATHAN: I'm totally down with that. I won't miss eau de BLT wafting up to my room over Kelly's.
LULU: I need WINE!
PAUL'S OFFICE
ANNA: Full disclosure, Paul: You know that story I gave you about going to California to visit Robin, Patrick and Emma? TOTAL LIE! I was really chasing Carrrrrrrrrrrlos with the help of my ex up in Halifax. Robert and I even spent a night in a Canadian jail.
PAUL: You're a great investigator, Anna, but you have some straaaaange hobbies.
ANNA: I know, right? I mean, I was chasing DEAD MAN all the way up to Canada! Who DOES that? And he was a dead man I didn't even LIKE because he killed my Duke.
PAUL: You're still mourning Duke. Totally understandable.
ANNA: I am the worst mother EVER! I mean, who has their daughter kidnapped TWICE in four years by basically THE SAME PEOPLE!
PAUL; Don't feel too bad, Anna. My daughter Susan pretends I don't exist and Dillon wants to do the same.
ALEXIS'S HOUSE
AVA: I come bearing gifts.
JULIAN: Thanks, sis. (opens gift) This is interesting. Any special hidden artistic meaning to this. Is it supposed to go on the coffee table?
AVA: It's only a miniature replica of the real thing. It's 12 feet tall and it will go in YOUR FRONT YARD! How is THAT for an unforgettable wedding present?
ALEXIS: Well, it certainly won't be easy to forget a 12 foot statue in our yard.
JULIAN: It's very...artsy.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Sam, Jake is so sorry for what happened to you.
SAM: Jake? What does he have to be sorry about. I should have known better than to go down rickety wooden staircases in 6" heels.
LIZ: So it was an accident brought on by wearing insane stilettos? Thank GOD!
ALEXIS AND JULIAN'S HOUSE
ALEXIS (over phone): Who's in the hospital? SAM? OMG, what happened to her? Elizabeth's house WHAT? I'll be right there.
JULIAN: It's all Jason's fault. I KNEW it! My daughter's in the hospital and Danger Man Jason put her there.
ALEXIS: Honey, I think you're confused. Jason saved Sam's life.
AVA: OMG, I just remembered Sam is my niece. I hope she's okay.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
MAXIE: Lulu, we have some news for you. Nathan's moving in!
LULU: (drops her wine glass) Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT???? That's the awesomesauce! We'll have so much fun together, right Nathan? We can all stream chick flicks every night.
MAXIE: And Nathan can translate the ones that are in French, right sweets?
NATHAN: As long as I'm not smelling french fries at 5 am...
LULU: I'll get the popcorn. Queue up Love Actually.
HOSPITAL
ALEXIS: Sam, OMG, Sam! You're surprisingly alert for someone who was nearly blown to smithereens! By the way, thanks for getting your superhero on and saving my daughter, Jason.
JASON: No sweat. Fire and smoke and fumes, but no sweat!
SAM: I'm totes okay, Mom, thanks to Jason. If he showed up 2 seconds later, parts of me would be scattered across Port Chuckles right now.
ALEXIS AND JULIAN'S HOUSE
AVA: Look at you with your fancy new house and your fiancee and your mob-free life!
JULIAN: What's wrong, Sis? You jealous?
AVA: What if I was? I'm worried my little girl will get caught in some exploding house or something.
JULIAN: So, get out of the mob. If I can go mob-free, so can you.
AVA: I WISH!
HOSPITAL
SAM: I kept hallucinating you, Jason. You were saying run to me, but I was too overcome by toxic fumes and whenever I opened my eyes, Halluci-Jason would disappear.
JASON: Halluci-Jason! You're funny, Sam!
SAM: Stay with me, Jason. If I close my eyes, you have to promise you won't disappear.
JASON: I'm a lot more loyal than Halluci-Jason, you know.
MONICA: Elizabeth, I'm so sorry your house exploded. There's always a place for you at the Q mansion.
LIZ: Thanks, Monica. I'm weighing my options right now, but tonight I'm going to crash with Gram. Besides, the Q mansion is like Downton Abbey. My boys would get so lost in there.
FLOATING RIB
ANNA: (over the phone) Mac, I need you to do some digging around about one Susan Hornsby. She's one of several children Paul has forgotten about over his years of neglectful parenting.
OUTSIDE LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: What's this on the ground? It's a picture of me and Jason! And it's broken, just like our relationship. And my poor, poor house!
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
NATHAN: Maxie, I think we should move in together.
MAXIE: What a coincidence! So do I! Only we have to stay here because Lulu is having all the sad feels about her marriage to Dante being over.
NATHAN: I'm totally down with that. I won't miss eau de BLT wafting up to my room over Kelly's.
LULU: I need WINE!
PAUL'S OFFICE
ANNA: Full disclosure, Paul: You know that story I gave you about going to California to visit Robin, Patrick and Emma? TOTAL LIE! I was really chasing Carrrrrrrrrrrlos with the help of my ex up in Halifax. Robert and I even spent a night in a Canadian jail.
PAUL: You're a great investigator, Anna, but you have some straaaaange hobbies.
ANNA: I know, right? I mean, I was chasing DEAD MAN all the way up to Canada! Who DOES that? And he was a dead man I didn't even LIKE because he killed my Duke.
PAUL: You're still mourning Duke. Totally understandable.
ANNA: I am the worst mother EVER! I mean, who has their daughter kidnapped TWICE in four years by basically THE SAME PEOPLE!
PAUL; Don't feel too bad, Anna. My daughter Susan pretends I don't exist and Dillon wants to do the same.
ALEXIS'S HOUSE
AVA: I come bearing gifts.
JULIAN: Thanks, sis. (opens gift) This is interesting. Any special hidden artistic meaning to this. Is it supposed to go on the coffee table?
AVA: It's only a miniature replica of the real thing. It's 12 feet tall and it will go in YOUR FRONT YARD! How is THAT for an unforgettable wedding present?
ALEXIS: Well, it certainly won't be easy to forget a 12 foot statue in our yard.
JULIAN: It's very...artsy.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Sam, Jake is so sorry for what happened to you.
SAM: Jake? What does he have to be sorry about. I should have known better than to go down rickety wooden staircases in 6" heels.
LIZ: So it was an accident brought on by wearing insane stilettos? Thank GOD!
ALEXIS AND JULIAN'S HOUSE
ALEXIS (over phone): Who's in the hospital? SAM? OMG, what happened to her? Elizabeth's house WHAT? I'll be right there.
JULIAN: It's all Jason's fault. I KNEW it! My daughter's in the hospital and Danger Man Jason put her there.
ALEXIS: Honey, I think you're confused. Jason saved Sam's life.
AVA: OMG, I just remembered Sam is my niece. I hope she's okay.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
MAXIE: Lulu, we have some news for you. Nathan's moving in!
LULU: (drops her wine glass) Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT???? That's the awesomesauce! We'll have so much fun together, right Nathan? We can all stream chick flicks every night.
MAXIE: And Nathan can translate the ones that are in French, right sweets?
NATHAN: As long as I'm not smelling french fries at 5 am...
LULU: I'll get the popcorn. Queue up Love Actually.
HOSPITAL
ALEXIS: Sam, OMG, Sam! You're surprisingly alert for someone who was nearly blown to smithereens! By the way, thanks for getting your superhero on and saving my daughter, Jason.
JASON: No sweat. Fire and smoke and fumes, but no sweat!
SAM: I'm totes okay, Mom, thanks to Jason. If he showed up 2 seconds later, parts of me would be scattered across Port Chuckles right now.
ALEXIS AND JULIAN'S HOUSE
AVA: Look at you with your fancy new house and your fiancee and your mob-free life!
JULIAN: What's wrong, Sis? You jealous?
AVA: What if I was? I'm worried my little girl will get caught in some exploding house or something.
JULIAN: So, get out of the mob. If I can go mob-free, so can you.
AVA: I WISH!
HOSPITAL
SAM: I kept hallucinating you, Jason. You were saying run to me, but I was too overcome by toxic fumes and whenever I opened my eyes, Halluci-Jason would disappear.
JASON: Halluci-Jason! You're funny, Sam!
SAM: Stay with me, Jason. If I close my eyes, you have to promise you won't disappear.
JASON: I'm a lot more loyal than Halluci-Jason, you know.
MONICA: Elizabeth, I'm so sorry your house exploded. There's always a place for you at the Q mansion.
LIZ: Thanks, Monica. I'm weighing my options right now, but tonight I'm going to crash with Gram. Besides, the Q mansion is like Downton Abbey. My boys would get so lost in there.
FLOATING RIB
ANNA: (over the phone) Mac, I need you to do some digging around about one Susan Hornsby. She's one of several children Paul has forgotten about over his years of neglectful parenting.
OUTSIDE LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: What's this on the ground? It's a picture of me and Jason! And it's broken, just like our relationship. And my poor, poor house!
Monday, February 8, 2016
Ka-BOOM!!!!
Jason rescues Sam before Liz's house blows up, but not before Hallucci-Jason makes a return appearance. Franco comforts Liz and gives her a reality check. Anna entertains Jordan's date Andre Maddox while Jordan is detained by Paul. Sonny and Carly convince Michael not to go chasing Sabrina. Paul pleas with Dillon not to write him off.
JAKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM
JAKE: I killed Sam. Video game...bad guys...Sam...kill bad guys...
LIZ: Poor confused Jakey! I know you're on a ton of drugs right now, but you do know Sam's not a video game character, don't you, Jakey?
JAKE: Nap time.
LIZ: Jakey? Jakey? What did you do to Sam?
LIZ'S BASEMENT
HALLUCI-JASON: Run to me, Sam! This joint's gonna BLOW!
SAM: I'm coming, Jason! I'm coming! Jason? Crap, I'm hallucinating again and I'm really lying on the floor ready to burst into smithereens.
VOICE OF REAL JASON: Sam? Sam? Where are you? Answer me!
FLOATING RIB
ANDRE: Anna, you're back in town! How's the search for the guy you didn't kill?
ANNA: Robert's still on the case. I was just getting in the way, what with crooked DAs on my tail and all. By the way, big props for placing Carrrrrrrrrlos and Sabrina in Halifax.
ANDRE: How does it make you FEEL to be back in Port Chuckles?
ANNA: There is unresolved business with Carrrrrrrrrrlos and Julian. I wanted to be the one who busted the both of them, but I couldn't chance it. If Carrrrrrrrrrlos is to be found, Robert is the one to do it. It took one night in a Halifax jail to make me see that.
PAUL'S OFFICE
PAUL: By the way, Jordan, what's the 411 on Anna? Since you two are besties, have you been in touch? How is Anna liking *ahem* California?
JORDAN: Am I Anna's keeper?
PAUL: Yeah, you kinda are. If you guys are so close, why didn't she text you with deets about how Emma has grown in the past 2 weeks?
JORDAN: What's it to you?
PAUL: I'm merely concerned about a *ahem* friend.
JORDAN: Yeah, that's it.
DILLON: Is it a bad time to come yell at you, Dad?
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: I heard Jake got run over by a car and now that I care about people other than myself, I wanted to say how sorry I am.
LIZ: OMG, Franco, IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!!!
LIZ'S BASEMENT
JASON: Sam? Are you down there? Holy CRAP she picks the WORST places to catch up on her sleep! (grabs Sam and carries her up the stairs)
GAS LEAK: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! SPARK! SPARK! FIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
OUTSIDE LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: Sam, are you alive?
SAM: Jason? I have a feeling I'm not in the basement anymore.
FLOATING RIB
RANDOM PERSON #1: Look, it's the Port Chuckles Godfather.
RANDOM PERSON #2: And he's in a WHEELCHAIR! What's he going to do now? Roll over anyone who tries to take over his territory?
CARLY: M to the YOB, random peeps I don't know! Sonny is HELL ON WHEELS!
MICHAEL: Thanks for coming Mom, Dad. I called you here to tell you I'm headed to Puerto Rico to get Sabrina back.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
LIZ: Jake told me he killed Sam.
FRANCO: Now why doesn't that surprise me?
LIZ: Why does HE hate Sam so much?
FRANCO: I don't know. Maybe because YOU hate Sam.
LIZ: OMG, you're right, Franco. I transferred my hatred of Sam onto poor, innocent Jakey! I'm a HORRIBLE mother!
FRANCO: My fake mother Betsy Karen Frank Anderson Whatever and my real mother Heather Webber are horrible mothers. You've got nothing on those crazy bitches, so snap out of your self-loathing pity party and help your kid.
LIZ: You know, that just might work. Thank you, Franco. You're not as demented as I made you out to be. (answers phone) Hello? WHAT'S happening at my house? Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT???? EXPLOSION??? (to Franco). OMG, Franco, my house exploded!
FRANCO: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???? Did it just spontaneously combust or something? That's been known to happen.
HOSPITAL LOBBY
JASON: Can someone spare a gurney to save the wife I'm just starting to remember having?
RANDOM DOC: What happened to her?
JASON: I saved her from a house that was 2 seconds away from blowing sky-high.
LIZ: (to herself) OMG, Jake really DID try to kill Sam! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!!!
FLOATING RIB
JORDAN: Sorry I'm late for yet another one of our dates, Andre. You know, being interrogated by questionable D.A.s and all.
ANDRE: No problem. Anna here has been keeping me entertained with her exploits in a Canadian jail.
JORDAN: Yeah, about that, Anna, can I have a quick word?
ANNA: What is it?
JORDAN: Paul was all up in your beeswax just now. That's why I'm late for my date with your new best friend.
ANNA: Why does that not surprise me? I guess I'll have to put Robert's plan into motion after all.
JORDAN: And what is that?
ANNA: Trust me, you don't want to know.
PAUL'S OFFICE
DILLON: Here are your cufflinks, Dad. I'm still SUPER PISSED at you for what you did to Mom.
PAUL: But I still want to be your dad, Dillon. I like your movie-directing, creative, passionate energy and I want us to still be simpatico.
DILLON: Been there, done that. got screwed over.
PAUL: To be fair, I only screwed over your mother and that's because she wanted us to shack up only with each other, like going steady or something. Besides, I hardly see my other kids, Sarah and D.J. Or was that Susan and P.J.?
DILLON: Sorry, Dad, but no dice. Your track record of offspring neglect speaks for itself. I'm outta here. I've got damsels in divorce to comfort and their cousins they hate but are sort of my friends.
FLOATING RIB
SONNY: I know I was all about you fighting for Sabrina, son, but that was before the postcard that said to leave her the hell alone.
MICHAEL: A friggin' POSTCARD changed your mind, Dad?
CARLY: Sabrina chose Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Michael. It was a crappy choice for sure, but it's her choice.
MICHAEL: Fine, I won't go to Puerto Rico because I'm such an obedient son. Someone has to maintain their status as the Golden Boy, right?
ER CUBICLE
SAM: Jason, I knew you'd save me! Halluci-Jason kept trying and I knew that eventually Real Jason would pluck me from that cesspool of toxic fumes before I was blown to bits!
JASON: So did Halluci-Jason keep telling you to run to him?
SAM: Yeah! But only REAL Jason could get me out of there and that was YOU.
LIZ: (to herself) THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!!!
JAKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM
JAKE: I killed Sam. Video game...bad guys...Sam...kill bad guys...
LIZ: Poor confused Jakey! I know you're on a ton of drugs right now, but you do know Sam's not a video game character, don't you, Jakey?
JAKE: Nap time.
LIZ: Jakey? Jakey? What did you do to Sam?
LIZ'S BASEMENT
HALLUCI-JASON: Run to me, Sam! This joint's gonna BLOW!
SAM: I'm coming, Jason! I'm coming! Jason? Crap, I'm hallucinating again and I'm really lying on the floor ready to burst into smithereens.
VOICE OF REAL JASON: Sam? Sam? Where are you? Answer me!
FLOATING RIB
ANDRE: Anna, you're back in town! How's the search for the guy you didn't kill?
ANNA: Robert's still on the case. I was just getting in the way, what with crooked DAs on my tail and all. By the way, big props for placing Carrrrrrrrrlos and Sabrina in Halifax.
ANDRE: How does it make you FEEL to be back in Port Chuckles?
ANNA: There is unresolved business with Carrrrrrrrrrlos and Julian. I wanted to be the one who busted the both of them, but I couldn't chance it. If Carrrrrrrrrrlos is to be found, Robert is the one to do it. It took one night in a Halifax jail to make me see that.
PAUL'S OFFICE
PAUL: By the way, Jordan, what's the 411 on Anna? Since you two are besties, have you been in touch? How is Anna liking *ahem* California?
JORDAN: Am I Anna's keeper?
PAUL: Yeah, you kinda are. If you guys are so close, why didn't she text you with deets about how Emma has grown in the past 2 weeks?
JORDAN: What's it to you?
PAUL: I'm merely concerned about a *ahem* friend.
JORDAN: Yeah, that's it.
DILLON: Is it a bad time to come yell at you, Dad?
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: I heard Jake got run over by a car and now that I care about people other than myself, I wanted to say how sorry I am.
LIZ: OMG, Franco, IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!!!
LIZ'S BASEMENT
JASON: Sam? Are you down there? Holy CRAP she picks the WORST places to catch up on her sleep! (grabs Sam and carries her up the stairs)
GAS LEAK: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! SPARK! SPARK! FIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
OUTSIDE LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: Sam, are you alive?
SAM: Jason? I have a feeling I'm not in the basement anymore.
FLOATING RIB
RANDOM PERSON #1: Look, it's the Port Chuckles Godfather.
RANDOM PERSON #2: And he's in a WHEELCHAIR! What's he going to do now? Roll over anyone who tries to take over his territory?
CARLY: M to the YOB, random peeps I don't know! Sonny is HELL ON WHEELS!
MICHAEL: Thanks for coming Mom, Dad. I called you here to tell you I'm headed to Puerto Rico to get Sabrina back.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
LIZ: Jake told me he killed Sam.
FRANCO: Now why doesn't that surprise me?
LIZ: Why does HE hate Sam so much?
FRANCO: I don't know. Maybe because YOU hate Sam.
LIZ: OMG, you're right, Franco. I transferred my hatred of Sam onto poor, innocent Jakey! I'm a HORRIBLE mother!
FRANCO: My fake mother Betsy Karen Frank Anderson Whatever and my real mother Heather Webber are horrible mothers. You've got nothing on those crazy bitches, so snap out of your self-loathing pity party and help your kid.
LIZ: You know, that just might work. Thank you, Franco. You're not as demented as I made you out to be. (answers phone) Hello? WHAT'S happening at my house? Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT???? EXPLOSION??? (to Franco). OMG, Franco, my house exploded!
FRANCO: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???? Did it just spontaneously combust or something? That's been known to happen.
HOSPITAL LOBBY
JASON: Can someone spare a gurney to save the wife I'm just starting to remember having?
RANDOM DOC: What happened to her?
JASON: I saved her from a house that was 2 seconds away from blowing sky-high.
LIZ: (to herself) OMG, Jake really DID try to kill Sam! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!!!
FLOATING RIB
JORDAN: Sorry I'm late for yet another one of our dates, Andre. You know, being interrogated by questionable D.A.s and all.
ANDRE: No problem. Anna here has been keeping me entertained with her exploits in a Canadian jail.
JORDAN: Yeah, about that, Anna, can I have a quick word?
ANNA: What is it?
JORDAN: Paul was all up in your beeswax just now. That's why I'm late for my date with your new best friend.
ANNA: Why does that not surprise me? I guess I'll have to put Robert's plan into motion after all.
JORDAN: And what is that?
ANNA: Trust me, you don't want to know.
PAUL'S OFFICE
DILLON: Here are your cufflinks, Dad. I'm still SUPER PISSED at you for what you did to Mom.
PAUL: But I still want to be your dad, Dillon. I like your movie-directing, creative, passionate energy and I want us to still be simpatico.
DILLON: Been there, done that. got screwed over.
PAUL: To be fair, I only screwed over your mother and that's because she wanted us to shack up only with each other, like going steady or something. Besides, I hardly see my other kids, Sarah and D.J. Or was that Susan and P.J.?
DILLON: Sorry, Dad, but no dice. Your track record of offspring neglect speaks for itself. I'm outta here. I've got damsels in divorce to comfort and their cousins they hate but are sort of my friends.
FLOATING RIB
SONNY: I know I was all about you fighting for Sabrina, son, but that was before the postcard that said to leave her the hell alone.
MICHAEL: A friggin' POSTCARD changed your mind, Dad?
CARLY: Sabrina chose Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Michael. It was a crappy choice for sure, but it's her choice.
MICHAEL: Fine, I won't go to Puerto Rico because I'm such an obedient son. Someone has to maintain their status as the Golden Boy, right?
ER CUBICLE
SAM: Jason, I knew you'd save me! Halluci-Jason kept trying and I knew that eventually Real Jason would pluck me from that cesspool of toxic fumes before I was blown to bits!
JASON: So did Halluci-Jason keep telling you to run to him?
SAM: Yeah! But only REAL Jason could get me out of there and that was YOU.
LIZ: (to herself) THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!!!
Friday, February 5, 2016
Feast Your Eyes on the Hot New Doc
Patrick Drake was no slouch in the looks department and he's found a worthy replacement in hot neurosurgeon-dom in Dr. Griffin Munro, who appears for the first time in his new place of work, but not before stopping by the hospital chapel and meeting Port Chuckles most (in)famous mobster. Lucas knows the new doc from their time in med school together.
Kristina summons Molly to The Floating Rib and spills SOME of the truth to her curious li'l sis. Lucas updates Liz and Jason on Jake's condition. Jake semi-coherently apologizes for "killing her". Jason worries when Sam doesn't show up to retrieve Danny. Franco and Nina argue about adopting a baby. Morgan is frustrated with his bipolar meds' side effects.
THE FLOATING RIB
MOLLY: What's the emergency, Krissy?
KRISTINA: Hand it over, Molly.
MOLLY: As soon as you fill me in on the mysterious Mr. P.
KRISTINA: Nosy much?
MOLLY: Call it a healthy curiosity. Who is he?
KRISTINA: None of your beeswax, baby sis.
MOLLY: I dropped everything to come over here to give you your precious diary and you aren't going to tell me what the hell is going on with you?
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: So, when we fixed up one leak, Jake sprung another, but we fixed that one too. He's out of surgery, but he's very groggy and might say some weird stuff. One visitor at a time, please.
JASON: After you, Liz.
LIZ: Jakey, it's me, Mommy! I'm glad the doctors were able to fix you up and I made sure to check for lurking Cassadines.
SONNY: Jason, how's the kid?
JASON: He's in one piece, thanks to all the docs that put him back together again, humpty-dumpty style. Boy, do I know that feeling.
SONNY: I feel ya, man!
CARLY: Oh, Jason! I feel all the feels for you and Jake!
NINA, FRANCO, AND KIKI'S APARTMENT
KIKI: What the hell, Morgan? Is this some perverse game of Red Light, Green Light?
MORGAN: Little Morgan didn't get the memo.
KIKI: What do you...Oh, I get it now. Little Morgan's under the weather.
MORGAN: It's all because of THESE STUPID MEDS!
KIKI: It's no biggie. Just get your shrink to prescribe Viagra and Little Morgan will be back in the game in no time.
MORGAN: I don't want more drugs, Kiki! Doping is not the answer and the last thing I'm talking to my shrink about is Little Morgan's going AWOL.
KIKI: But I love sane Morgan, with or without Little Morgan's *ahem* participation.
MORGAN: Little Morgan's going back to work. He DOESN'T GET VACATION TIME! He JUST DOESN'T!
FLOATING RIB
NINA: So, I put our names on an adoption list.
FRANCO: Good luck with that. Good luck with any adoption agency giving a brand spankin' new bundle of joy to a former serial killer and his baby-stealing girlfriend who fled the country with him.
NINA: Like the adoption agency people are perfect! Come on, Franco! Don't you want to raise a baby with me? It's a fresh start for us.
FRANCO: I've got enough kid on my hands with my mini-me patient, thank you very much.
NINA: Fine, then I'll raise this baby on my own.
FRANCO: And put YOUR OWN BOOBS on the front of Crimson?
NINA: I. Want. A. Baby.
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
GRIFFIN: Hey, dude, don't let me get in your way of communing with the guy in the sky.
SONNY: As long as you haven't killed someone I love, you're free to co-exist with me.
GRIFFIN: Good to know this chapel is big enough for the two of us.
SONNY: When you gotta pray, you gotta pray. Nice piece of holy bling, by the way.
GRIFFIN: That's St. Aloysius. I wear it in honor of AIDS patients.
SONNY: I knew a guy with AIDS. He died 20 years ago, may he rest in piece. Stone was a good kid, man.
GRIFFIN: Sorry, man.
HOSPITAL
CARLY: Elizabeth, I won't bite you. Not today, at least. That would REALLY be in bad taste, since your kid just got out of surgery.
LIZ: Thanks, Carly. I think...
CARLY: Jake is going to be just fine. I'll make sure of it, because I have power over these things when it comes to anyone biologically related to Jason.
LIZ'S BASEMENT
SAM: Jason? Why you leave me? Jason? Should I unplug this thing? I see weird smoke coming out of the outlet? I'm...so...sleepy.
GAS LEAK: Hiss, hiss, noxious fumes! Get out of this basement, you idiot! This place is gonna BLOW!
THE FLOATING RIB
KRISTINA: So, I made a deal with my prof. Sex for a passing grade. The prof didn't go for it and I'm in big trouble because now said prof's wife knows.
MOLLY: Was your professor hot? What does he look like?
KRISTINA: Soulful eyes. My prof has soulful eyes.
MOLLY: That's so romantic!
KRISTINA: If only.
MOLLY: Have you ever tried swearing off men?
KRISTINA: (to herself) Is my li'l sis onto me? (to Molly) Say WHAAAAAAAAT?
MOLLY: You know, flying solo. No men, no problems.
KRISTINA: I'll have to give that a shot.
HOSPITAL
JAKE: I'm sorry, Dad.
JASON: For what? Getting hit by a car? Granted it's disturbing that this is the second time you've got run over, it's not like I can judge. I was run over by an SUV, had to get a new face and it took me a long time to remember I was your dad.
LUCAS: You guys need to get some rest and some food in your stomachs.
JASON: I'll hit the Rib up for some BBQ.
LIZ: I'll stay with my son. You never know when a Cassadine could pop out of nowhere.
NINA, FRANCO, & KIKI'S APARTMENT
FRANCO: Hey Kiki. How was your hot date with Sonny Jr?
KIKI: Let's just say things took a turn south. I'm gonna hit the hay. Scrabble takes its toll...
NINA: See how good a fake dad you are to Kiki? You'll be a great dad to a tiny bundle of limitless potential.
FRANCO: I might be into having a kid "at some point". You know, like in the year 2020 or something. Besides, having a kid might put a serious damper on sexy time.
FLOATING RIB
JASON: Have either of you seen your sister?
KRISTINA: It's weird. She went over to Elizabeth's yesterday and never came back.
MORGAN: Beer me.
KRISTINA: I thought you were on the wagon with your meds and all.
MORGAN: I thought you were out of town, with school and all.
KRISTINA: Point taken. Carry on.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: Guess who?
LUCAS: Hey, man! Long time, no see!
GRIFFIN: There will be a lot of see from now on. You're looking at GH's newest neurosurgeon.
LUCAS: Sah-weet!
JAKE: I killed her.
LIZ: That's hilarious. Who could YOU possibly kill?
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: Why do I hear the smoke alarm going off? What the hell's going on here? Sam? SAM?
LIZ'S BASEMENT
SAM: Save me Halluci-Jason! Save me!
GAS LEAK: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Time's a-wastin' lady! I'm spewin' fumes like there's no tomorrow and at the rate I'm going, you can take that literally!
Kristina summons Molly to The Floating Rib and spills SOME of the truth to her curious li'l sis. Lucas updates Liz and Jason on Jake's condition. Jake semi-coherently apologizes for "killing her". Jason worries when Sam doesn't show up to retrieve Danny. Franco and Nina argue about adopting a baby. Morgan is frustrated with his bipolar meds' side effects.
THE FLOATING RIB
MOLLY: What's the emergency, Krissy?
KRISTINA: Hand it over, Molly.
MOLLY: As soon as you fill me in on the mysterious Mr. P.
KRISTINA: Nosy much?
MOLLY: Call it a healthy curiosity. Who is he?
KRISTINA: None of your beeswax, baby sis.
MOLLY: I dropped everything to come over here to give you your precious diary and you aren't going to tell me what the hell is going on with you?
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: So, when we fixed up one leak, Jake sprung another, but we fixed that one too. He's out of surgery, but he's very groggy and might say some weird stuff. One visitor at a time, please.
JASON: After you, Liz.
LIZ: Jakey, it's me, Mommy! I'm glad the doctors were able to fix you up and I made sure to check for lurking Cassadines.
SONNY: Jason, how's the kid?
JASON: He's in one piece, thanks to all the docs that put him back together again, humpty-dumpty style. Boy, do I know that feeling.
SONNY: I feel ya, man!
CARLY: Oh, Jason! I feel all the feels for you and Jake!
NINA, FRANCO, AND KIKI'S APARTMENT
KIKI: What the hell, Morgan? Is this some perverse game of Red Light, Green Light?
MORGAN: Little Morgan didn't get the memo.
KIKI: What do you...Oh, I get it now. Little Morgan's under the weather.
MORGAN: It's all because of THESE STUPID MEDS!
KIKI: It's no biggie. Just get your shrink to prescribe Viagra and Little Morgan will be back in the game in no time.
MORGAN: I don't want more drugs, Kiki! Doping is not the answer and the last thing I'm talking to my shrink about is Little Morgan's going AWOL.
KIKI: But I love sane Morgan, with or without Little Morgan's *ahem* participation.
MORGAN: Little Morgan's going back to work. He DOESN'T GET VACATION TIME! He JUST DOESN'T!
FLOATING RIB
NINA: So, I put our names on an adoption list.
FRANCO: Good luck with that. Good luck with any adoption agency giving a brand spankin' new bundle of joy to a former serial killer and his baby-stealing girlfriend who fled the country with him.
NINA: Like the adoption agency people are perfect! Come on, Franco! Don't you want to raise a baby with me? It's a fresh start for us.
FRANCO: I've got enough kid on my hands with my mini-me patient, thank you very much.
NINA: Fine, then I'll raise this baby on my own.
FRANCO: And put YOUR OWN BOOBS on the front of Crimson?
NINA: I. Want. A. Baby.
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
GRIFFIN: Hey, dude, don't let me get in your way of communing with the guy in the sky.
SONNY: As long as you haven't killed someone I love, you're free to co-exist with me.
GRIFFIN: Good to know this chapel is big enough for the two of us.
SONNY: When you gotta pray, you gotta pray. Nice piece of holy bling, by the way.
GRIFFIN: That's St. Aloysius. I wear it in honor of AIDS patients.
SONNY: I knew a guy with AIDS. He died 20 years ago, may he rest in piece. Stone was a good kid, man.
GRIFFIN: Sorry, man.
HOSPITAL
CARLY: Elizabeth, I won't bite you. Not today, at least. That would REALLY be in bad taste, since your kid just got out of surgery.
LIZ: Thanks, Carly. I think...
CARLY: Jake is going to be just fine. I'll make sure of it, because I have power over these things when it comes to anyone biologically related to Jason.
LIZ'S BASEMENT
SAM: Jason? Why you leave me? Jason? Should I unplug this thing? I see weird smoke coming out of the outlet? I'm...so...sleepy.
GAS LEAK: Hiss, hiss, noxious fumes! Get out of this basement, you idiot! This place is gonna BLOW!
THE FLOATING RIB
KRISTINA: So, I made a deal with my prof. Sex for a passing grade. The prof didn't go for it and I'm in big trouble because now said prof's wife knows.
MOLLY: Was your professor hot? What does he look like?
KRISTINA: Soulful eyes. My prof has soulful eyes.
MOLLY: That's so romantic!
KRISTINA: If only.
MOLLY: Have you ever tried swearing off men?
KRISTINA: (to herself) Is my li'l sis onto me? (to Molly) Say WHAAAAAAAAT?
MOLLY: You know, flying solo. No men, no problems.
KRISTINA: I'll have to give that a shot.
HOSPITAL
JAKE: I'm sorry, Dad.
JASON: For what? Getting hit by a car? Granted it's disturbing that this is the second time you've got run over, it's not like I can judge. I was run over by an SUV, had to get a new face and it took me a long time to remember I was your dad.
LUCAS: You guys need to get some rest and some food in your stomachs.
JASON: I'll hit the Rib up for some BBQ.
LIZ: I'll stay with my son. You never know when a Cassadine could pop out of nowhere.
NINA, FRANCO, & KIKI'S APARTMENT
FRANCO: Hey Kiki. How was your hot date with Sonny Jr?
KIKI: Let's just say things took a turn south. I'm gonna hit the hay. Scrabble takes its toll...
NINA: See how good a fake dad you are to Kiki? You'll be a great dad to a tiny bundle of limitless potential.
FRANCO: I might be into having a kid "at some point". You know, like in the year 2020 or something. Besides, having a kid might put a serious damper on sexy time.
FLOATING RIB
JASON: Have either of you seen your sister?
KRISTINA: It's weird. She went over to Elizabeth's yesterday and never came back.
MORGAN: Beer me.
KRISTINA: I thought you were on the wagon with your meds and all.
MORGAN: I thought you were out of town, with school and all.
KRISTINA: Point taken. Carry on.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: Guess who?
LUCAS: Hey, man! Long time, no see!
GRIFFIN: There will be a lot of see from now on. You're looking at GH's newest neurosurgeon.
LUCAS: Sah-weet!
JAKE: I killed her.
LIZ: That's hilarious. Who could YOU possibly kill?
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: Why do I hear the smoke alarm going off? What the hell's going on here? Sam? SAM?
LIZ'S BASEMENT
SAM: Save me Halluci-Jason! Save me!
GAS LEAK: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Time's a-wastin' lady! I'm spewin' fumes like there's no tomorrow and at the rate I'm going, you can take that literally!
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