The Jason Show that was All About Jason

   

  I'm back, albeit on a "recurring" basis.   In other words, when I see a show I feel like blogging, I'll blog it.   Today's show was a standalone staring Jason Jake Quartermaine Morgan Doe Morgan as himself.   When Carrrrrrrrrrrlos was making a run for it, the PCPD transfer van crashed into a dude on a motorcycle.   Who could that POSSIBLY BE?    What a TRULY BAFFLING turn of events!   But hey, whatever puts HELLZ-BELLZ on my screen works for me!

    
     ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD ALONG RTE 9 (because Rte 31 was closed for construction)

      JASON:  ANOTHER ACCIDENT???   This is getting ridiculous, people!   Who ran me down this time?   A giant honkin' COP VAN!   Can anyone give cops a ticket for reckless driving or do they have to do it themselves?    Hey, anyone alive in there???
      GHOST OF RANDOM COP WHO WAS DRIVING VAN:  Um, not me.  Thanks for cutting off my raging lunatic prisoner, PUNK!
       JASON:  Oooookay, he's dead.   Any other mangled bodies around here, dead or alive?
       UNCONSCIOUS DANTE:  Is it just me or am I being pinned down by a giant honkin' prisoner transfer van?
        HALLUCI-ROBIN:  You can SAVE, Dante, Jason.  You can do it!  Why?  BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPER JASON, hero hitman with a conscience! 
    

       MYSTERIOUS BLUE ROOM IN Q MANSION

       SAM:  Should I tuck Danny in, chat up my ex-nephew-in-law, or wring my hands worrying about the whereabouts of my ex-hubby Jason?
       MICHAEL:  I vote for option B.   Hey, if it's any comfort, I'm wringing my hands worrying about the whereabouts of my ex-girlfriend, so I can totes relate.
       SAM:  For that matter, where is Danny?   I haven't seen him since he was, like, four.
       MICHAEL:  Yeah, he's grown so much and the baby teeth count is down by at least five or six.

   
       ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

      JASON:  Dante, buddy, the bad news is that you're trapped under this prison van.  The good news is that Robin says I'm Super Jason and I can get you out of here if I put my mind to it.   The other bad news is that I have a headache that Excedrin can't touch.
     HALLUCI-ROBIN:  You'll figure it out, Jason, and you'll save Dante.  Go Jason!  Go Jason!  Go go go Jason!
     JASON:  So, it I just move the dead guy out of the driver's seat and put the van in neutral...
     HALLUCI-CARLY:  Good luck with that.   One wrong move and Dante turns into Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump.
      JASON:  So now I'm hallucinating Carly.  Who's next?  Elizabeth?  God forbid, Franco???
      HALLUCI-CARLY:  Forget about those losers!  I'M here!  Your BESTIE!
      JASON:  Then why have you been spending so much time with that weird doctor and his pet lizard?
      HALLUCI-CARLY:  It's a service lizard.  No, make that a service bearded dragon.   Why Jasey-jase, are you JEALOUS? 

      
         MYSTERIOUS BLUE Q ROOM

        SAM:  I miss the old Jason, but I feel guilty about it because Jason-Minus-Memories is a really nice guy as long as he's not in the same room with my pompous cousin or Franco.
         MICHAEL:  Wanna start a We Hate Nikolas and Franco club?
         SAM:  Thanks but no thanks.   I'm too busy worrying about my mom and mourning the loss of her principles, yet feeling like a hypocrite for doing so.
          MICHAEL:  Well, Julian's an asshat, but he IS your dad.   I can relate.   There was a time I thought my dad was an asshat for killing my bio-dad, who, for a long time I thought HE was the biggest asshat of all.  My dad and I are tight again, but I'm still divided between my Quartermaine self and my Corinthos self.   We could totally be doing shots right now, but I'm still having stroller tipping flashbacks.


         ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

         JASON:  If I can't drive the van, maybe I can use my superhuman strength to lift it.   Who am I kidding?  I need a jack.
         HALLUCI-HELENA:  What?  Were you expecting a grease monkey to hand you a jack?   Such laziness is most unbecoming of my solider boy.
         JASON:  I should have known.   Get lost you diabolical deadly-yet-actually dead diva!   Nice legs, by the way.
         HALLUCI-HELENA:  Rumors of my demise HAVE been exaggerated in the past.   Let that be a warning to you, Soldier Boy.
         JASON:  I saw you die Hellz-A-Bellz.   Ergo, you are most certainly dead.
        HALLUCI-HELENA:  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   So physically skilled, yet so unfortunately gullible.   Do you believe EVERYTHING you see on Cassadine Island?
         JASON:  Speaking of Cassadine Island, what in the name of the Sad Robe Store did you do to my son Jake?   Even FRANCO is freaked out by the kid and that's truly disturbing.
        HALLUCI-HELENA:  I can assure you, Mister Morgan, that I have NEVER worn a sad robe.
        JASON: Do you have any mysterious Cassadine pain relief potions on you by any chance?   It feels like Satan is driving nails into my headspace.
         HALLUCI-HELENA:  That is your mind resisting The Conditioning.
         JASON:  Dr. Drake removed my "conditioning".   I should know.  I had a maxi pad stuck on my forehead for two months.  Then it was downgraded to a pantiliner.
         HALLUCI-HELENA:  I am nothing if not thorough.   Who's to say there isn't more where that came from? 

        
            MYSTERIOUS BLUE Q ROOM

         SAM:  Maybe we'd all be better of if Daddy Julian was in the clink.   Wait, wasn't that what my mom said about Jason?
         MICHAEL:  But Jason was a GOOD mobster who only killed BAD mobsters.    Just like my dad.


           ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

       HALLUCI-SAM:  Jason, don't listen to that curse-spewing maybe-dead Maleficent.   You can save Dante and you can be whatever Jason you want to be. 
       HALLUCI-HELENA:  (rolls eyes)  Oh, the TEDIUM!
       JASON:  I must have a fever of 250 right now.   My head is about to explode!  MAKE IT STOP!
       HALLUCI-HELENA:  Rockabye Jason, lay your head down.   Your memories, nowhere to be found.   Go to sleep now, it will ease the pain.   When you wake up, nothing will remain.
        JASON:  Sam, you gotta let me know.  Should I stay or should I go?
        HALLUCI-SONNY:  Why don't you stay-ay-ay!   Just a little bit longer!
        JASON:  I really am hallucinating now.   Sonny's SINGING!   Is this some sort of twisted musical based on my life?  Is this the Nurses' Ball?   I'M SOOOOOO CONFUUUUUSED!
        HALLUCI-SONNY:  Oooh, you make me live!   Oh, you're my best friend!
        JASON:  Queen now.   Okay.   What's next, Sonny?   Bohemian Rhapsody?   Can you do the Fandango?
        HALLUCI-SONNY:  I see your true colors shining through!   I see your true colors, and that's why I love you.
         JASON:  Simon says, stop singing and help me rescue your kid.    I'll use this Rte 9 sign as a lever and you drag Dante out from under that big honkin' prison van, 'kay?
        HALLUCI-SONNY:  When you're lost and alone and you're sinking like a stone--
        JASON:  Dude, you're killing me.
        HALLUCI-SONNY:  Carry on!

       
         MYSTERY BLUE Q ROOM

       DANNY:  Bad news, Mom.   Annabelle 2.0 peed in Scary Aunt Tracy's closet. 
       SAM:  Holy SORAS, what's in the water in this ginormous mansion?   How old ARE you now, Danny?
       DANNY:  Duh, Mom!  I'm six.  Or maybe seven.   Isn't it weird how I got older and my brother Jake got younger?   We're practically the same age now. 
       SAM:  It's less weird than you might think, kiddo.   We live in a very strange town.
       DANNY:  At least I'm not too old for my mom to sing me a lullaby.
       SAM:  Um...Lullaby, and good night...and that's the only part I remember...

   
       ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

       JASON:  Ooof!  Ugh!   GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
       RTE 9 SIGN:  Here ya go, man.
       JASON:  Hey Dante, good news.   No Lieutenant Dan legs for you.   You're welcome.
       PRISON VAN:  KABOOM! 
       JASON:  ...And THAT happened...
       ALL OF JASON'S HALLUCINATIONS:  Nothing really matters.  Anyone can see.   Nothing really matters.   Nothing really matters.  To me.   Anywhere the wind blooooooows!
       JASON:  I could really use some morphine right now...
     
       

Taking Some Time Off

     I know I've been cutting some corners lately on this blog and now I'm telling you I'm taking some time away from blogging.   The show is dragging and besides repeated jokes about brain worms, Carrrrrrrrlos and service lizards, there's just not a lot to work with lately.   I'm having a minor (nothing to worry about!) medical procedure tomorrow so now's as good a time as any to put the hilarity on hold.   I'm not sure yet when I'll be back and when I do come back it may not be for every episode.   Thank you to those who follow and read this blog.  Your loyalty is greatly appreciated.  

Haychel Goes Rogue (and So Does Sonny!)

     Haychel has good news and bad news for the back-to-her-old-snarky-self Tracy, still recovering from brain surgery.   She also has hubby Nikolas over a barrel.   Paul breaks free of his captivity in time to thwart Anna's capture of Carlos.   Jason has a plan to put Nikolas in his place.   Nathan tries to shut down Maxie's questions about Claudette. 

   
   TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

    TRACY:  Gimme my phone.   I need to yell at a certain bitch who owes me my family's company.  
    NED:  Hello, mother?  You just had an extremely complicated radical wormectomy.   Are you sure you should be putting the health of your cerebrum at risk?   Besides, what happened to the kinder, gentler Tracy who just declared her love to Monica? 
   TRACY:  Ever heard of anesthesia, Ned?   Whatever I said to Monica never happened because I was still under the sauce.  
    NED:  You need your rest, mother.  
    TRACY:  I just woke up from a friggin NAP, Ned.   If you aren't going to fork over the phone, at least text Haychel that she needs to haul ass to this room with ELQ in her hands or the world will know just where Rachel Berlin is hiding out.  


   WYNDEMERE

         HAYCHEL:  Here's the deal, dear hubby:  You sign ELQ over to moi or you get sent to the hoosegow.  
          NIKOLAS:  What happened to our oh-so-romantic loveless marriage cease-fire?
          HAYCHEL:  Sleeping with knives is too Cassadine even for me.   Sign or haul ass to prison.  
          NIKOLAS:  Like HELL I'm signing my fortune over to Raymond BerMadoff's daughter.  
          HAYCHEL:  Poor little Spencer, raised by his self-righteous granny and having to talk to his daddy on the prison phone.   Gotta go!   There's a certain so-called associate fresh out of brain surgery who I need to troll.  

       
    MAXIE'S BEDROOM

   MAXIE:  Sex with you is amazing.   Why that tramp Claudette would cheat on a hot cop like you...I just don't get it.   Are you still feeling the emotional scars from her screwing you over?
   NATHAN:  You sure know how to kill a mood, Maxie.  

  
   SONNY'S PLANE

     ANNA:  Full disclosure:  I shot Carrrrrrrrrrrlos in the chest four times.  Too bad he was wearing a bulletproof vest.
     SONNY:  You tried, Anna.  No one can fault you for lack of effort.  
     ANNA:  I could go to prison for this if we catch Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos and have him rat out Julian, but it will be SOOOOO worth it to avenge Duke's death.  
     SONNY:  Isn't there a little thing called justifiable homicide?  


    ANNA'S HOUSE

     PAUL:  DERM IT ERNA!   (takes duct tape off his mouth)  How nice of you to leave me one hand free.   Note the sarcasm dripping in my voice.   If this was some sort of sex game, it would help if you actually showed up.   If you're trying to stop me from stopping you from going after Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, you know better than to leave me with a free hand to reach for your mail and find a paper clip to unlock my cuff.   There's a price to pay for messing with Paul Hornsby.   

   
     JASON'S APARTMENT

    JASON:  I have unfinished business with your cousin Nikky. 
    SAM:  What, you're going to go over there and finish the job?   Think of Danny, Jason.  You can even think of Jake too.  
    JASON:  I'm not going to snap his royal assholish neck, if that's what you're worried about.  There are better ways to deal with pompous princes whose grandmothers implant mind control chips in my brain.  


     TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

    HAYCHEL:  So, Tracy, did the good doctors remove all the worms from your brain.  By the way, EEEEEEEEWWWW!  
    TRACY:  Shut up, Haychel, and show me ELQ.   
    HAYCHEL:  I have a better idea.   Inside this box you will find two most important pieces of my husband's male anatomy.  
    TRACY:  I sure hope you're speaking figuratively, because now it's my turn to say EEEEEEWWWW!  
    HAYCHEL:  Nikolas is signing over ELQ as we speak.  
    TRACY:  Hallelujah!  
    HAYCHEL:  Don't get too excited, worm lady.  ELQ is mine and I'm not just giving it away.  
    TRACY:  Have you forgotten the terms of our arrangement, HAYCHEL BARNLIN?  
    HAYCHEL:  It's too late, Tracy.  The cat's out of the bag, so to speak.  I have nothing to lose and you just got Berlin'd.  

   
     SONNY'S PLANE

     AUTHORITIES:  Anna Devane, consider yourself screwed.   A certain wronged party at your Port Chuckles residence has informed me of your lawless shenanigans at his expense and we have a warrant out for your arrest.
    ANNA:  Stupid F$#%^&ING PAUL HORNSBY!   (to self)  I should have chloroformed him THRICE)
    SONNY:  Sorry, Anna, but I gotta go.  Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos must be found and I have a Costco butterly net to put to use.  

     
    WYNDEMERE

     NIKOLAS:  Mother, I'm completely and utterly screwed!   Haychel knows I tried to have her plugged and I either sign my fortune over to her or suit up in those plebeian prison blues.  
     LAURA:  If Haychel turns you in, she might as well turn Elizabeth and I too.   Honey, we're all screwed.  
    NIKOLAS:  I'm such a bad son.   Such a bad, bad son.   I'm sorry, mother. 
    LAURA:  On the upside, you did save Lulu when she was a dark-haired toddler, so it all evens out in the end.  

    
     QUITO, ECUADOR

     SONNY:  Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, I'm comin' for ya and I've got a net.   It's really too bad my new pal Anna couldn't come along and plug you another four times in the chest after recording your admission that Julian was behind the hit on Duke.  
     CARRRRRRRRRLOS:  Not if I plug you fiiiiiiiirst!   

A Kinder, Gentler Tracy

     Tracy is all smiles when she wakes up from brain surgery.  Is it the anesthesia or is it the lack of brain worms?   Jason is not successful in preventing Sonny from chasing Carrrrrrrrrrrlos.   Andre suspects something is off with Anna.  Dr. Finn behaves strangely after assisting Griffin in de-worming Tracy's brain.  Nina gets some bad news about her fertility from Dr. Lee and rejects Franco's attempts to comfort her. 

    
        HOSPITAL

        DILLON:  How did Mom's surgery go?  Did you get all the worms out of her brain? 
        GRIFFIN:  The good news:  The surgery was a success and your mother's brain has been de-wormed.   The bad news:  She hasn't come out from under the sauce yet.  

       
        TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

        DR. FINN:  If you don't wake up in 5 seconds, Tracy, I'm going to sic my service lizard on you!  
        TRACY:  (COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA)
        DR. FINN:  Come on, Tracy!  Wake the hell up and snark at me already!  
        TRACY:  (COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA)
        DR. FINN:  This is the thanks I get from helping Dr. Munro de-worm your brain.   Wake the hell up or I'll start singin'! 


        NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT

        NINA:  Rock me, Franco, like a wagon wheel!   Rock me Franco anyway you feel.   Heeeeey, Franco rock me!  
        FRANCO:  Sure, why not?   Can I rock you like the wind and rain or a southbound train?
        NINA & FRANCO:  (SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX)





        CASA CORINTHOS

        MICHAEL:  You going Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos hunting?   I wanna come with.  
        SONNY:  Sure.  If Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos doesn't shoot me, your mother will.   No, you stay and look after the womenfolk and the kiddies.   Go visit your brother in the House of Psychiatric Healing, password-protect the door to Avery's room, eat corn dogs with Josslyn, and find out what Kristina's not telling me.  
       

        ANNA'S HOUSE

       ANDRE:  Just thought I'd stop by for a friendly chat with a former-slash-current patient.   How've your moods been, Anna?    Where is your state of mind vis a vis Carrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrrriverrrrrrra?  
       ANNA:  This is a really bad time.   I've got a private jet to catch.  
       ANDRE:  I'll only be few minutes.  Can I come in?   I've gotta pee like you won't believe!  
       ANNA:  You really don't want to go in there.   Emma's got the service lizard pox and it's highly contagious.  
     

        JASON'S APARTMENT

      CARLY:  Come on, Jason!   You're the Sonny Whisperer!   If anyone can tell him to stay in The Chuckles it's you.  
      JASON:  Seeing that the alternative is for Sam and I to continue the marathon convo about the state of our relationship, this will be a change of pace. 

      
        HOSPITAL

       GRIFFIN:  How's Ms. Quartermaine, Dr. Finn?   Is she out from under the sauce? 
       DR. FINN:  She's awake and she's freakishly NICE. 
       DILLON:  PHEW!!!   Wait, she's NICE?   What else did you do to her brain besides get all the worms out?  

       
       TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

       TRACY:  Monica, have I told you lately that I love you?   Have I told you there's no one else above you?  You fill my heart with gladness.  Take away all my sadness.  You ease my troubles, Monica, that's what you do. 
       MONICA:  Um...well, thank you, Tracy.  Someone must have changed the playlist in your brain because the way I remember it, the line went, "You CAUSE my troubles, that's what you do." 
       DILLON:  Congrats on being de-wormed, Mom!  
       TRACY:  Aren't you the sweetest thing I've ever seen?   Where's that darling Dr. Finn?   I should like to send him some flowers.  
       MICHAEL:  Hi Aunt Tracy.   Sorry I've been too distracted with my ex and her kid and my bipolar brother to help you get back ELQ. 
       TRACY:  You mustn't worry so, child!   ELQ will sort itself out.  

    
      CASA CORINTHOS

      JASON:  Carly told me to stop you from chasing Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos and getting yourself killed.  
      SONNY:  It's something I gotta do, Jason.   This Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos business is eating a hole in my soul, man.   I need to bring him to justice or I won't be able to look myself in the mirror and call myself Sonny Corinthos.  Great to see you, though.   You were the best goon I ever had, you know that?   You saved my life even when you didn't remember BEING my best goon.  
     JASON:  I did what any good amnesiac former Corinthos goon would do.  


     JASON'S APARTMENT

      CARLY:  I hope Jason can talk some sense into Sonny and he'll drop this Carrrrrrrrrrrlos thing and let Anna handle it.   I can't lose Sonny, Sam.  
      SAM:  I feel ya, Carly.  I can't lose Jason either, even if his danger lovin' side kinda lights my fire.   I tell you, he tried to kill my cousin right in front of me and we had THE BEST SEX!  
      CARLY:  You are good people, Sam, because you don't try to domesticate Jason.   You let Jason be Jason.  
      SAM:  Jason's still trying to figure out who Jason is, or whether or not he's the same Jason he used to be. 


     HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM

       DR. FINN:  Need.  Drugs.  Now.  
       GRIFFIN:  Nice going, doc!   Wanna grab a beer? 
       DR. FINN:  We are SO not in a bromance, kid.  
       GRIFFIN:  But you me and God, we rocked that wormectomy, didn't we? 
       DR. FINN:  God doesn't have a medical degree, pretty boy. 
       GRIFFIN:  Ooooookay, I get that not everyone believes God is their co-pilot, but if you ever need some good old atheist chit-chat, I'm good for that too. 

    
       NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT

       NINA:  Let's have some more sex so I can get knocked up.  
       FRANCO:   Are we having memory problems here?   I thought I told you about 5,000 times that I didn't want any little mini-mes populating the universe.  
       NINA:  I TOTALLY thought you were kidding!  Come on, let's have a BAY-BEE!  

       NINA:  Dr. Lee told me I can't have a BAY-BEE!  
       FRANCO:  (to himself) Now THAT'S how you spell relief.  Sorry Rolaids.  (to Nina)  I'm so sorry Neens.  I know you really wanted to propagate our wackadoo DNA.   Do you want some comfort sex? 
       NINA: GO TO HELL, FRANCO-NINA BABY HATER!  

     
      HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM

      DR. FINN:  Do your job, service syringe!   Pump some of that amazing straw-color Chardonnay with notes of crisp apples softened by coconut and vanilla in a creamy finish into me! 
     
      SONNY'S PRIVATE JET

       ANNA:  Sorry I'm late.  Had a D.A. to chloroform.  TWICE.  
       SONNY:  Let's get this done, Anna.  I brought a REALLY BIG NET I found at the Port Chuckles Costco.  I think Carrrrrrrrrrrlos should fit into it just fine.  


     
      

       

Filler Day

      Today was another snoozefest/filler day.   Jason and Sam spent most of the show in bed talking about their relationship.   Kristina and Alexis talked about their (daughter and mother) relationship.  Anna and Sonny went on and on with each other and with Paul and Carly about why they had to find Carrrrrrrrrlos and bring him to justice.  Julian talked to his head goon again about not messing with Ava.  

     SAM:  We had sex.  Yay!  Where is our relationship going. 
    
     JASON:  Well, I guess we're still divorced.   Or are we friends with benefits now?  

     KRISTINA:  Mom, can you, like, not have expectations of me?  

     ALEXIS:  Kristina, let's be confused about your sexuality together.  

     ANNA:  Sonny, I don't trust you to not kill Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos the second you lay eyes on him.
 
     SONNY:  Why would I do that?   I need Julian sent to the big house so he stays out of Kristina's bizness.  

      PAUL:  Please don't go looking for Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Anna!    I don't wanna go to jaaaaaaaaaail!

     CARLY:  Don't do this Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos thing, Sonny!    I don't want you to diiiiiiiiiiiie!  
 
     AVA:  Someone put a dead bird in my bed.
   
     JULIAN:  I MUST go back into the business and keep my li'l sis safe from Jerome goons!   Sorry, Alexis.  

     SCOTTY:  Are you firing your service hedgehog, Ava?    
    

Fisticuffs

     It's been a fightin' week on GH, from Nina's magazine-throwing tirade at Julian on Monday to Sonny and Dante sparring in the ring yesterday to the show of fisticuffs that goes down at Wyndemere today.   After discovering that Nikolas had Haychel shot, Sam confronts Nikolas at his castle of residence and brings Jason along.  Nikolas, already on edge due to the presence of Curtis, feels the noose tighten around his neck when his cousin threatens to squeal to the cops.

       Elsewhere in The Chuckles (and outside of it), Kristina tells Molly about their mom's reaction to her possible gayness.  Julian warns Ava about Sonny.  Carly doesn't want Sonny anywhere near Carrrrrrrrrrlos.   Alexis confronts Parker about Kristina.

      WYNDEMERE

           NIKOLAS:  No, Haychel, your friend cannot sleep over.
           CURTIS:  Hey Princey-Prince, we've got the goods on your attempt on your wife Haychel's life.
           NIKOLAS:  Oh really, tough guy?  Do you expect me to be impressed with your Photoshop skills?   This loveless marriage based on distrust and lies is between me and Haychel.
           HAYCHEL:  Curtis stays or you're future is in jumpsuits.


       JASON'S NEW APARTMENT

           SAM:  OMG, Nikolas tried to have Haychel MURDERED!   Not that I like that poor man's Sam McCall, but I didn't want her DEAD.
           JASON:  The dude's a Cassadine.  Isn't it par for the course?
           SAM:  But...but he was the GOOD Cassadine!
           JASON:  Yeah, I don't think that applies anymore.

    
        ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE

          KRISTINA:  So I told Mom about Parker and that I have a gay side that is anywhere from 10 to 100% of me and she's like "No you DON'T!  You're just CONFUSED!"
          MOLLY:  Well, Krissy, are you or are you not confused about your sexuality?
          KRISTINA:  I am, but Mom was totally in denial that any percent of me could be gay.   I'm like, "Jeez Mom, why don't you go out and vote Republican while you're at it".
          MOLLY:  That was shockingly unenlightened of Mom.   I'm going to have to sit her down and take her temperature.

       
        WESLEYAN

         ALEXIS:  Remember me?  I'm the mother of the impressionable young student you manipulated into questioning her sexuality.
         PARKER:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT???   I did no such thing!   She was ALREADY questioning her sexuality.
         ALEXIS:  But she's never BEEN a lesbian before.  She didn't just become one overnight.   She was married to a MAN.   Granted it lasted 5 minutes and he died and she was a rather different person then, but she gave me NO indication that she bats for the other team.
         PARKER:  Who knows?  Maybe she's a switch hitter?   The point is, she's confused and she needs her mama.
       

         CORINTHOS HOUSE

      CARLY:  Sonny, why don't you just forget about this whole Carrrrrrrrrlos thing and save yourself the trouble of getting shot and stressing me the hell out.
      SONNY:  Carrrrrrrrrlos needs to be brought to justice and I'm gonna be the one to bring him there.  I got the law on my side this time, Carly.   Once I find that sonofabitch, I'm gonna hand him over to Anna and the feds and he's gonna turn Julian's ass in for putting the hit out on Duke.  Do you need a refresher course on how the mob works?
      CARLY:  But can't you be a less dangerous mob or something?
      SONNY:  I'll be a "less dangerous mob" when pigs fly.

   
        WYNDEMERE

        SAM:  BAD Nikolas!   BAD, BAD, BAD!!!  I should have known there was no such thing as a "good Cassadine."  I'm calling the cops.
         NIKOLAS:  Hello?   Since when have you even LIKED Haychel?
         SAM:  SO not the point, murderous cousin!   You're going DOWN for this!  (starts dialing her phone)
         NIKOLAS:  Gimme that phone!
         SAM:  What are you going to do if I don't?   Hire a goon to plug ME with lead too?    Have you turned into your GRANDMOTHER?
          JASON: DEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS, NIKKY BOY!  POW! 
          CURTIS:  What's this dude's problem?  (lunges for Jason)
          JASON: THWACK! 
          NIKOLAS: SMACK!  
          JASON: (grabs Nikolas and tries to break his neck)
          HAYCHEL:  OMG, Jason is going to KILL Nikolas!
          SAM:  DOWN, Jason!  DOWN!   Does anyone have a stun gun?   My ex-hubby's about to kill my murderous cousin!
          JASON:  GRRRRRRRRRRR!
          SAM:  LET HIM GO! 
          JASON:  FINE, DAMMIT!  I was 2 seconds away from snapping his pompous royal neck!
          SAM:  Jason, let me refresh your memory on what happens to people who kill other people:  They go to prison.   Remember that place we were the other day?   You don't want to end up there.

       
          CORINTHOS HOUSE

       AVA:  It was YOU!   What kind of sicko are you, threatening me with black roses while I was siting vigil by my comatose daughter's bedside?
       SONNY:  Don't flatter yourself, Ava.  I didn't send you flowers.
       AVA:  You know Kiki's getting sprung from that hospital soon, don't you?   That means Avery's coming to live with ME, Kiki, and my service hedgehog.

       
          JASON'S NEW APARTMENT

        SAM:  You almost killed my cousin.  Let's have sex.
        JASON:  Okay, ex-wife.  If that's what does it for ya...

     
         AVA'S BEDROOM

        AVA:  AAGGGGHHHHH!!!!   When did I get a cat?   Do service hedgehogs drag in dead birds too?


          WYNDEMERE

      NIKOLAS:  (takes dagger out of drawer and places it on nightstand)  Good night, Haychel.   I would recommend sleeping with one eye open.
      HAYCHEL:  (takes knife off of nightstand and holds it in her hand)  I've got a better idea.
      HELENA PAINTING:  BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!   Sleeping with knives now, are we?   How very diabolically Cassadine!   

Cowboys and Neurosurgeons

      Emma and Griffin play the Port Chuckles (and more politically correct) version of Cowboys and Indians.   Sonny and Anna need more intel from Paul's phone on the whereabouts of Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos.  Sam, with Jason "along for the ride" have some questions for Nikolas about Haychel's shooting.  Tracy needs brain surgery and has to choose between Hot Doc and Doc Martin House.   Dante pumps Michael for info about Sonny's plan of attack against Carrrrrrrrrrrlos.   Curtis grills Haychel on her love of the green stuff.  


      ANNA'S HOUSE

     GRIFFIN:  Ugh!   Oh!  The pain!  The humiliation!  The inconvenience!  Doc, I need your help!   I've got hat hair and I think it's fatal! 
      EMMA:  You're gonna have to take off our hat, cowboy, so I can examine your hat hair.  
      GRIFFIN:  (takes off hat)  Have you SEEN anything like this before, doc? 
      EMMA:  It's pretty bad.  You need a shot.   If that doesn't work, we'll have to operate.  
      ANNA:  What has my granddaughter gotten you into?   
      GRIFFIN:  Diagnosis: Hat Hair.   This shot better work or I'm going under the knife.   Cowboys and Neurosurgeons doesn't mess around.  
       SONNY:  What did I just walk in on?  

     
       METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM

      LIZ:  So do you want me to help you boot Haychel from Wyndemere?   I'll throw all her stuff in the moat and she'll have to swim after it!   Come on, Nikolas!   It'll be fun! 
      NIKOLAS:  As tempting as that sounds, Liz, I'm going to stick with pretending to play happy families with her and Spencer. 
      LIZ:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???? 

     
       GYM

       DANTE:  So, Michael, what's Dad got planned for Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos?   Will he draw him and quarter him?   Put him in front of a firing squad?    Tar and feather him, then parade him around the streets of Port Chuckles?  
       MICHAEL:  I know nothing.  Ask Dad yourself. 
       DANTE:  Come on, Michael!   Don't keep me guessing.   Is he returning to town with Carrrrrrrrrrrlos's head on a platter or what? 
       MICHAEL:  I know nothing.  Ask Dad.   See ya.  

     
      HOSPITAL

        DR. FINN:  The worms are having their way with your mother's brain, boys.   Larval cysts are wreaking havoc up there and she needs surgery.  
        DILLON:  Like a wormectomy or something?  
        DR. FINN:  Pretty much.   The anti-worm meds aren't containing the infestation like I had hoped, hence the seizure.   
        NED:  Get Doc Martin House in here STAT so he can save Mom's life.  
        DILLON:  What if she wants Dr. Munro?  
        DR. FINN:  Here's a crazy idea:  Ask your mother who she wants cutting into her brain.  
        PAUL:  Who's cutting Tracy's brain?   What's going on here?  

      
       ANNA'S HOUSE

        ANNA:  Carrrrrrrrrlos is a moving target.  We need to keep bugging Paul's phone.  
        SONNY:   Get the chip thingy from his phone and my techie goon Brick will get to work on it.  
        ANNA:  Sounds like a plan.   Emma, let's go on a little field trip, shall we?  
    
       
       METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM

     SAM:  Nikolas, we have reason to believe that Haychel was plotting and scheming to gift-wrap ELQ for Tracy Quartermaine.
      NIKOLAS:  What does your silent partner think?   Any mind-blowing insights, Jason?  
      JASON:  Don't mind me.  I'm just tagging along with my ex-wife on her adventures.   She even took me on a field trip to prison.   Fun times. 
      SAM:  Jason and I are the happiest couple ever to get a divorce.  Speaking of divorce, you and Haychel should give it a try.  
      NIKOLAS:  What if I don't want to?   What if I'd be, I don't know, lonely without her?   (to self) What if she's holding an attempted murder charge over my royal head? 
      SAM:  So, let me get this straight:  You'd rather be with a lying con artist bitch than alone?   Think of the children, Nikolas.  Or make that, think of the child.  
      NIKOLAS:  Well, Spencer kinda likes that lying con artist bitch just like he liked Britt and just like he had a soft spot for his Machiavellian great grandmother.  

     
      WYNDEMERE

     CURTIS:  Damn this place is creepy!   Remind me again why you still want to live here. 
     HAYCHEL:  It's all about the Benjamins, Curtis.   I have my standards.  
     CURTIS:  Maybe I should start calling you Greens since you love the stuff so much.  
     HAYCHEL:  Ha ha!  After the whole debacle with Daddy, I was tapped out.  I changed my name, went to some place called Beecher's Corners where some good-looking lawyer type wanted some good times with me.  Or so I thought.  Turns out he just wanted to hire me to be some poor amnesiac's fake wife so he could get with Busy Lizzie and he was offering a pretty penny for it.   I was too strapped for funds to be insulted that he wasn't into me.   The job was here in Port Chuckles and some prince came knocking on my hotel room, we had some Le Petit Mort, I found out he knew who Memory Man really was and when I was about to tell my fake hubby the truth, I get plugged by his goon.   Real Cinderella story, isn't it? 
     CURTIS:  Except that prince is fitting you for cement shoes.  
     HAYCHEL:  That's where you come in...
    
     
     HOSPITAL

     ANNA:  Fancy meeting you here, Paul.  (gives her phone to Emma) Emma, go take some selfies with Felix, Epiphany, a few IV poles, have some fun.  
     EMMA:  Okay, grandma.   I'm all over this hospital selfie thing.  
     ANNA:  Silly me!  I just remembered that I have to call Robin and Patrick.  I promised I'd call them at exactly 2:37.  That was a half hour ago.   Where's my phone?  
     PAUL:  You gave it to Emma.  Hospital selfies, remember?   Here, use mine.  
     ANNA:  Aren't you a sweet little crooked district attorney!   Thanks, Paul.   (fake calling Robin)  Hi Robin.  How's Morocco.  What?  I can't hear you.  I'm in a dead zone.   I'm going to move down the hall where the reception is better.  (to self) and Paul can't see me take that chip out of his phone. (to Robin) How's Patrick?  What time is it in Morocco?  (to self) Got it!  Look out Carrrrrrrrrlos! 

     OBRECHT:  Ze patient has chosen Dr. Munro.  It baffles ze mind zat she chose ze surgeon viss less experience razzer zan ze chief of neurosurgery.  
      GRIFFIN:  So, Elizabeth, are you ready for the assist on the Quartermaine cerebral wormectomy?  
      LIZ:  Ready as I'll ever be. 
      TRACY:  Let's get this de-worming surgery show on the road.   I never thought I'd ever utter such a sentence.   I'll be back, everyone.   Don't even think about renting my room out to long-lost Quartermaines, stray humans, or ANY of my ex-husbands because I WILL find out.  Tracy Angelica Quartermaine DOES NOT die of brain worms!   
     
       NED:  I still think we should have gone with Doc Martin House. 
       DILLON:  Go commiserate with Dr. Obrecht, Ned.  Mom made the right choice.  

   
     GYM

    SONNY:  Dante, son, who are you looking to sucker punch? 
    DANTE:  I've got a list, but first thing's first, Dad, what are you going to  (JAB JAB) do to Carrrrrrrrrrrlos?  
    SONNY:  (JAB JAB) I'm going to (JAB JAB) bring him to justice. 
    DANTE:  (JAB DUCK JAB) Care to (JAB) elaborate? 
    SONNY:  Well (DUCK JAB JAB) first, I have to find him. 
    DANTE:  (DUCK DUCK JAB DUCK JAB) Then what (JAB JAB)?  Are you planning on turning him over (DUCK JAB DUCK)  to the cops for a change?  
    SONNY:  (JAB JAB) That's hilarious.  

   
   WYNDEMERE

        HAYCHEL:  Guess who's coming to dinner?
        NIKOLAS:  What sort of game is this, Haychel?   With you it's always something.  
        CURTIS:  Since we're talking movies, meet The Bodyguard.