So there are two Jason Morgans in Port Chuckles. One more and you'd have an episode of To Tell The Truth. When a flummoxed Monica talks to the cops about the guy who crashed through the MetroCourt skylight, she hints that the guy looks like Jason with his Old Face. Franco's all in a tizzy because there are two Jasons and one of them might be his not-so-imaginary, not-so-dead friend Drew. Dr. Maddox is antsy because he's in danger of having his "family jewels" handed to him by Dr. Evil from the Russian clinic. Liz is hopped up on the joy juice after being grazed by one of Dr. Evil's goons' bullets. Sam's somehow entangled in seaweed after being in the Port Chuckles harbor for 30 seconds. Patient 6/Jason #1 is swimming around trying to rescue her. Jake Doe/Jason #2/Possibly Drew is freaking out about his missing wife. In unrelated news, Joss and Oscar are dressed as Game of Thrones characters and totally NOT having sex in Oscar's mom's swanky-looking apartment. Ava and Griffin decide it's not so bad to be seen together in public.
PORT CHUCKLES HARBOR
PATIENT 6/JASON#1: Glug Glug Sam? Glug glug where are you? Glug glug, this water's NASTY! Glug glug, I'm having some seriously traumatic deja vu right now. It's 2012 again and Faison has just shot me. Glug Glug Glug
SAM: Glug glug glug Why glug glug glug am I glug glug glug so sleepy glug glug glug? What glug glug glug is that glug glug glug around my feet?
HOSPITAL
MONICA: It all happened so fast. The men with the guns. Liz being shot. Sam. My son's old face falling through the skylight. Just what did they put in that champagne?
JASON #2: What? Some dude fell through the ceiling? Why do I miss all the good stuff???
JORDAN: Dr. Q, did you see the man who fell through the skylight?
MONICA: He looked like...no, it can't be. I must have been dropping acid. He looked like... Never mind.
FRANCO: Aw, come on Monica! Don't keep me in suspense. Spill it, Dr. Q! Who did skylight guy look like?
DR. MADDOX: (to himself) Shut up, Franco. Shut up Dr. Q. Everybody just SHUT THE HELL UP!
LIZ'S HOSPITAL ROOM
LIZ: So, what did I miss?
MONICA: It was unbelievable! A man who looks like...OMG, he looks like...oh, just somebody I used to know.
FRANCO: Aw you can do better than that! That song is SO 2012.
MONICA: Speaking of 2012...
HOSPITAL
AVA: Is there any way any of this could possibly be my fault?
GRIFFIN: Um...NO! Let's hit the Rib. I'm hangry!
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: I'm telling ya, Carly! The guy who jumped through the skylight is Jason. The OG Jason. The real thing.
CARLY: Bullshit, Sonny! You totally hallucinated him as Original Recipe Jason. Your mind is playing tricks on you, dear hubby.
SONNY: This wasn't no stinkin' hallucination, Carly! I saw OG Jason with my own two eyes and heard his voice with my own two ears. So, he held a gun on me for three seconds, but then he was totally cool and told me this story about being captured by the Russians.
CARLY: Sonny, you silly goose! Jason was captured by HELENA and turned into her Goon Du Jour, but not before he was defrosted by Robin. Spinelli even reverse-engineered his face!
SONNY: I don't know who that dude is, but he ain't Jason!
OSCAR'S MOM'S APARTMENT
OSCAR: Yeah, probably not a good idea to meet my mom.
JOSS: Why not? Is she like Medusa or something?
OSCAR: Let's just go to Trina's party.
JOSS: Trina Schmina! I have a better idea.
PORT CHUCKLES HARBOR
PATIENT 6/JASON #1: Glug glug Sam? Glug glug What the...glug glug? Glug glug, I guess I need to glug glug use my special water-vision goggles glug glug...to get this crap offa Sam's feet.
SAM: Glug glug Who dat? Glug glug Strong arms glug glug Save me!
METROCOURT LOBBY:
JASON #2: Where's my wife?
DANTE: Goon #3 took her hostage. Dr. Munro seems to think the goons are from some Russian clinic.
JASON #2: Who's that dude who fell through the skylight? He sure knows how to make an entrance, but did he have to steal my thunder like that, man?
DANTE: That's what we're trying to figure out from this crappy footage. Do you recognize that blob there?
JASON #2: Could be anybody. Why was he with Sonny? Is Sonny cheating on me?
LIZ'S HOSPITAL ROOM
LIZ: Franco, you should really try some of this joy juice. It's like I'm floating on a cloud of Jason-love.
FRANCO: This night just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
OSCAR'S MOM'S APARTMENT
OSCAR: You just want to snoop around? Phew! I thought you wanted to...never mind. Let's try and figure out who my dad is.
JOSS: Does anything in this house remind you of San Diego?
OSCAR: Not really. It's a lot colder here.
JOSS: OMG, your mom reads MAN LANDERS??? That's like my stepbrother's cop partner. Small world isn't it? What's this? A letter? From 2003???? We HAVE to read this.
OSCAR: Isn't it kinda illegal to read someone else's mail?
JOSS: I won't tell Man Landers if you won't. Open. The. Damn. Letter.
FLOATING RIB
GRIFFIN: Wanna play darts?
AVA: But people will talk. You know, the neighbors will gossip all day behind closed doors.
GRIFFIN: So? Let them! It's just a game where we throw sharp objects at a board while pretending that board is the face of someone we despise. I'm seeing the board as Valentin. How about you? Sonny, maybe?
AVA: But...but...People will say we're in love!
PIER
PATIENT 6/JASON #1: Wake up, Sam! It's me! Original Recipe Jason. I got my old face back. Not that I ever lost it.
SAM: Glug glug cough cough WHAT THE???????? Glug cough pass out.
SONNY'S HOUSE
JASON #2: What in blue blazes is going on here, Sonny? Who was your buddy that you came to my party with? Have you found another bestie behind my back, man?
SONNY: Well...
PATIENT 6/JASON #1 (holding an unconscious Sam): Honey, I'm home! I brought some company.
JASON #2 & CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??????
Monday, October 30, 2017
Friday, October 6, 2017
What do you mean it's not 2012???
Poor Patient 6/Steve Burton/NuOldJason! He's trapped in a time warp from all the equine Xanax that's been running through his veins for quite possibly the last 5 years. He realizes this when Random British Dude from Last Year's Cassadine Island Storyline lets him rummage through his bag and he pulls out a newspaper dated October 1, 2017. How about if this Huxley character fills him in a little on what he's been missing in this crazy world of ours:
PATIENT 6/JASON: It's 2017?!? What in the name of Noodle Buddha is going on here? Why is it not 2012? Why are we still here? Were the Mayans wrong about the world ending?
HUXLEY: My my, what rock have you been sleeping under for the past five years? Are you lost, young lad?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Lost in a time warp, I guess. My hometown of Port Chuckles, New York is full of wormholes. I must have crawled into one...no, maybe I swam. I remember water. Lots of water. It was cold water. Are you sure it's 2017?
HUXLEY: As sure as my name is Huxley Lynch and as sure as I am to pop up in random storylines involving overseas travel.
PATIENT 6/JASON: What's next? Are you going to tell me Donald Trump is President or something completely absurd like that?
HUXLEY: Well... He's not MY president. I'm from the land of Brexit.
PATIENT 6/JASON: What's a Brexit?
HUXLEY: Buckle up, Hair Boy, and get ready for a bumpy ride!
PATIENT 6/JASON: You know what would be really hilarious? If you told me the Cubs won the World Series.
HUXLEY: As little as I care for the bollocks American version of cricket, prepare to laugh your arse off because they did, last year.
PATIENT 6/JASON: Now you're just messing with me, Huckleberry! If I had one of those fancy newfangled iPhones like that American priest guy I met in the Russian monastery, I could just Google what happened the past five years.
HUXLEY: It's HUXLEY! I don't believe you've ever told me your name.
PATIENT 6/JASON: Hell if I know! I think I left it back in 2012. The people in that freaky Russian clinic kept calling me Patient 6. When I get home to Port Chuckles, maybe people I know will remind me.
HUXLEY: Can I call you Hair Boy?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Whatever floats your boat, Humphrey.
HUXLEY: HUXLEY!!! H-U-X-L-E-Y!! Do you happen to know a blonde bombshell by the name of Ava Jerome?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Ava who? I don't know anyone named Ava. There was this blonde lady with a giant bandage covering half her face at the Russian nuthouse. She picked up my paperclip and let me get outta that house of horrors. They kept saying I was dangerous and psychotic and made me wear this face mask and sunglasses so I'd look all mysterious and crap. It got the blonde's attention and she talked non-stop, but she did me a solid by helping me get the hell outta there, so there's that.
HUXLEY: Would you like to hear a joke?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Do I have a choice?
HUXLEY: I don't suppose you do. Here goes: What does the fox say?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Is that the joke? I don't get it. What does the fox say to who? The bear, the dog, the squirrel, what?
HUXLEY: No, you silly chap. He says "Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!
Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!"
PATIENT 6/JASON: Are you sure you didn't escape from the same Russian looney bin I did?
HUXLEY: You'd better be nice to me or I'll Uptown Funk you up!
PATIENT 6/JASON: I'll keep that it mind, Hutch.
PATIENT 6/JASON: It's 2017?!? What in the name of Noodle Buddha is going on here? Why is it not 2012? Why are we still here? Were the Mayans wrong about the world ending?
HUXLEY: My my, what rock have you been sleeping under for the past five years? Are you lost, young lad?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Lost in a time warp, I guess. My hometown of Port Chuckles, New York is full of wormholes. I must have crawled into one...no, maybe I swam. I remember water. Lots of water. It was cold water. Are you sure it's 2017?
HUXLEY: As sure as my name is Huxley Lynch and as sure as I am to pop up in random storylines involving overseas travel.
PATIENT 6/JASON: What's next? Are you going to tell me Donald Trump is President or something completely absurd like that?
HUXLEY: Well... He's not MY president. I'm from the land of Brexit.
PATIENT 6/JASON: What's a Brexit?
HUXLEY: Buckle up, Hair Boy, and get ready for a bumpy ride!
PATIENT 6/JASON: You know what would be really hilarious? If you told me the Cubs won the World Series.
HUXLEY: As little as I care for the bollocks American version of cricket, prepare to laugh your arse off because they did, last year.
PATIENT 6/JASON: Now you're just messing with me, Huckleberry! If I had one of those fancy newfangled iPhones like that American priest guy I met in the Russian monastery, I could just Google what happened the past five years.
HUXLEY: It's HUXLEY! I don't believe you've ever told me your name.
PATIENT 6/JASON: Hell if I know! I think I left it back in 2012. The people in that freaky Russian clinic kept calling me Patient 6. When I get home to Port Chuckles, maybe people I know will remind me.
HUXLEY: Can I call you Hair Boy?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Whatever floats your boat, Humphrey.
HUXLEY: HUXLEY!!! H-U-X-L-E-Y!! Do you happen to know a blonde bombshell by the name of Ava Jerome?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Ava who? I don't know anyone named Ava. There was this blonde lady with a giant bandage covering half her face at the Russian nuthouse. She picked up my paperclip and let me get outta that house of horrors. They kept saying I was dangerous and psychotic and made me wear this face mask and sunglasses so I'd look all mysterious and crap. It got the blonde's attention and she talked non-stop, but she did me a solid by helping me get the hell outta there, so there's that.
HUXLEY: Would you like to hear a joke?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Do I have a choice?
HUXLEY: I don't suppose you do. Here goes: What does the fox say?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Is that the joke? I don't get it. What does the fox say to who? The bear, the dog, the squirrel, what?
HUXLEY: No, you silly chap. He says "Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!
Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!"
PATIENT 6/JASON: Are you sure you didn't escape from the same Russian looney bin I did?
HUXLEY: You'd better be nice to me or I'll Uptown Funk you up!
PATIENT 6/JASON: I'll keep that it mind, Hutch.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Return of DEM BRAIN WORMZ! (Now with Svengalis).
Popping back in because--LOL--Brain Worms! Okay, so maybe Toxoplasmosis isn't the same thing as the Mysterious Brain Worms Tracy got from eating a tainted street taco in Mexico, but Finn DID say "parasitic infection of the brain" and the last time he uttered that phrase it meant...drum roll...BRAIN WORMS!
HOSPITAL ER
ALEXIS: I brought the kid and Kristina wanted to come too. What's wrong with Sam? Don't tell me she's preggers again.
FINN: Hate to break it to you, Miz Davis, but the baby might be infested...I mean infected.
GRIFFIN: Cute kid. I'll take her and get her checked out for you-know-what.
KRISTINA: Can I go with you? I love babies! FIELD TRIP!!!!
ALEXIS: Must. Text. Julian. Why, I have no idea. DAMN why does his svengali snake charm work so well on me? So, what the eff you see kay is wrong with Sam?
FINN: She's hallucinating. She called me Silas again.
JASON: She keeps thinking some dude is in the room and that she has to protect me from him. ALEXIS: So, she's just a frazzled new mom whose hubby once was a hitman. She's entitled to a few hallucinations every now and then. Did she eat any mushrooms?
FINN: We think she has Toxoplasmosis. You know, that thing you get from cats.
JASON: But we don't have a cat. Maybe she hallucinated one. She's been talking to herself a lot lately.
FINN: Toxoplasmosis is Port Chuckles medical jargon for Brain Worms.
ALEXIS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
IN THE PIT OF SONNY ANGST
SONNY: Anybody there? Come ON! Somebody has to hang around old distilleries at night. There have to be some booze hounds in this town looking for some well-aged hooch. What do I gotta do? Go to my happy place where Morgan is still alive an sing songs to myself?
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
CARLY: Hey Liz, who's your friend?
GARVEY: Go take a long walk off a short pier or the chick bites it.
CARLY: Okay, so Elizabeth and I might not be besties and she has crappy taste in men, but that doesn't mean I want her to DIE.
GARVEY: Lookee here, Mob Missus! I got me a gunshot wound and Nursey here is gonna stitch me up so I can go back to my dirty doins.
CARLY: I have a better idea. I'll kick your ass and Liz can run like hell back in the hospital and call the cops while I yell into your ear 'til you tell me what you did to Sonny.
FLOATING RIB
SCOTTY: So here's the sitch, Jules. Your old squeeze Alexis is gonna get you off the hook by using her Lawyer Brain to do Jedi mind tricks on the prosecution.
JULIAN: Works for me. Nice bib, by the way.
CARLY'S HOUSE
OSCAR: Hey Joss, now that your mom likes me, you wanna ride bikes to some creepy old distillery with a pit beside it?
JOSS: As long as we get back before Big Bad Momma gets home and busts my ass for sneaking out while grounded for the 900th time, sure thing!
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: Good news! The baby's worm free!
KRISTINA: No Brain Worms for this little angel because, who writes a story about a baby getting Brain Worms from a nonexistent cat?
GRIFFIN: Good point. Who DOES THAT? I was pulling for Brain Worms from a metal canister full of covfefe chimera.
JULIAN: What's up? How's Sam? Is she dead of Brain Worms yet?
ALEXIS: How did YOU know about the Brain Worms?
JULIAN: Scotty slipped me an advance script from under his Rib Bib.
KRISTINA: What is KNIFEY THROATY PSYCHO doing here?
JULIAN: I knew she'd call me that too.
JASON: Hey, Julian, you're not supposed to know about my wife's Brain Worms.
JULIAN: But they're MY DAUGHTER'S Brain Worms.
ALEXIS: He had the right to know, but if I knew Scott Baldwin was going to go all spoiler on me, I could have saved you the trip and myself the dramarama with Krissy here.
KRISTINA: (pointing at Julian) I wanna give HIM Brain Worms!
SONNY'S PIT OF ANGST
SONNY: Grey skies are gonna clear up, Sonny. Put on a happy face. Twist up that tourniquet and cheer up. Put on a happy face. Wipe off that gloomy grimace of mobster angst. Don't close your eyes. Because if you fall asleep you are for sure gonna die!
OUTSIDE THE PIT
OSCAR: Aren't old abandoned buildings awesome, Joss? It's like a treasure hunt. Oh look! I found a bullet casing. Must have been some rum runners during Prohibition. I read a book about Prohibition once. Crappy time if you ask me, but I'm not supposed to be drinking booze anyway. Not gonna risk getting on your mom's bad side.
JOSS: OMG, Oscar, is that some kids stealing our bikes? I recognize them from when they got their drunk on in my mom's hot tub, which got me grounded in the first place.
INSIDE THE PIT
SONNY: Is that Josslyn and that Oscar kid I hear? What are they doin' hangin' around some old distillery at dis hour? HEY JOSSLYN! OSCAR! CAN A GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO LOSE HIS LEG GET SOME HELP AROUND HERE?
SAM'S ER CUBICLE IN HOSPITAL
HALLUCI-SONNY: Brain Worms, huh, Sam? You put a hole in my leg and you gonna blame DA BRAIN WORMZ?
SAM: He's back! He's back!
JASON: No, Sam. That's not Silas. Wait, who is Silas anyway? Did I know this guy? Anyway, the guy's name is Finn and he's the resident Brain Worms expert. You need to get some rest.
SAM: Ok. (slips into coma)
JASON: Dammit, NOT THAT WAY!
HOSPITAL ER
GRIFFIN: So if there's no cat and it can't be linked to a thermos full of Cassadine chimera madness, then it has to be the time Crazy Olivia pushed Sam over the embankment and some bird pooped on her.
FINN: Yeah, that's gotta be it.
KRISTINA: It's ALL YOUR FAULT Julian! She's your psycho sister!
JASON: I suggest you get lost, Julian.
ALEXIS: Yeah, I kinda agree. Get lost ex-hubby. But don't go too far because you're my drug now that the booze is out of my system.
GRIFFIN: Man, do I need a storyline or what? Second fiddle to Dr. Brain Worms just ain't cuttin' it. Who can I seduce with my sexy priesty doc svengali skillz?
HOSPITAL ER
ALEXIS: I brought the kid and Kristina wanted to come too. What's wrong with Sam? Don't tell me she's preggers again.
FINN: Hate to break it to you, Miz Davis, but the baby might be infested...I mean infected.
GRIFFIN: Cute kid. I'll take her and get her checked out for you-know-what.
KRISTINA: Can I go with you? I love babies! FIELD TRIP!!!!
ALEXIS: Must. Text. Julian. Why, I have no idea. DAMN why does his svengali snake charm work so well on me? So, what the eff you see kay is wrong with Sam?
FINN: She's hallucinating. She called me Silas again.
JASON: She keeps thinking some dude is in the room and that she has to protect me from him. ALEXIS: So, she's just a frazzled new mom whose hubby once was a hitman. She's entitled to a few hallucinations every now and then. Did she eat any mushrooms?
FINN: We think she has Toxoplasmosis. You know, that thing you get from cats.
JASON: But we don't have a cat. Maybe she hallucinated one. She's been talking to herself a lot lately.
FINN: Toxoplasmosis is Port Chuckles medical jargon for Brain Worms.
ALEXIS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
IN THE PIT OF SONNY ANGST
SONNY: Anybody there? Come ON! Somebody has to hang around old distilleries at night. There have to be some booze hounds in this town looking for some well-aged hooch. What do I gotta do? Go to my happy place where Morgan is still alive an sing songs to myself?
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
CARLY: Hey Liz, who's your friend?
GARVEY: Go take a long walk off a short pier or the chick bites it.
CARLY: Okay, so Elizabeth and I might not be besties and she has crappy taste in men, but that doesn't mean I want her to DIE.
GARVEY: Lookee here, Mob Missus! I got me a gunshot wound and Nursey here is gonna stitch me up so I can go back to my dirty doins.
CARLY: I have a better idea. I'll kick your ass and Liz can run like hell back in the hospital and call the cops while I yell into your ear 'til you tell me what you did to Sonny.
FLOATING RIB
SCOTTY: So here's the sitch, Jules. Your old squeeze Alexis is gonna get you off the hook by using her Lawyer Brain to do Jedi mind tricks on the prosecution.
JULIAN: Works for me. Nice bib, by the way.
CARLY'S HOUSE
OSCAR: Hey Joss, now that your mom likes me, you wanna ride bikes to some creepy old distillery with a pit beside it?
JOSS: As long as we get back before Big Bad Momma gets home and busts my ass for sneaking out while grounded for the 900th time, sure thing!
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: Good news! The baby's worm free!
KRISTINA: No Brain Worms for this little angel because, who writes a story about a baby getting Brain Worms from a nonexistent cat?
GRIFFIN: Good point. Who DOES THAT? I was pulling for Brain Worms from a metal canister full of covfefe chimera.
JULIAN: What's up? How's Sam? Is she dead of Brain Worms yet?
ALEXIS: How did YOU know about the Brain Worms?
JULIAN: Scotty slipped me an advance script from under his Rib Bib.
KRISTINA: What is KNIFEY THROATY PSYCHO doing here?
JULIAN: I knew she'd call me that too.
JASON: Hey, Julian, you're not supposed to know about my wife's Brain Worms.
JULIAN: But they're MY DAUGHTER'S Brain Worms.
ALEXIS: He had the right to know, but if I knew Scott Baldwin was going to go all spoiler on me, I could have saved you the trip and myself the dramarama with Krissy here.
KRISTINA: (pointing at Julian) I wanna give HIM Brain Worms!
SONNY'S PIT OF ANGST
SONNY: Grey skies are gonna clear up, Sonny. Put on a happy face. Twist up that tourniquet and cheer up. Put on a happy face. Wipe off that gloomy grimace of mobster angst. Don't close your eyes. Because if you fall asleep you are for sure gonna die!
OUTSIDE THE PIT
OSCAR: Aren't old abandoned buildings awesome, Joss? It's like a treasure hunt. Oh look! I found a bullet casing. Must have been some rum runners during Prohibition. I read a book about Prohibition once. Crappy time if you ask me, but I'm not supposed to be drinking booze anyway. Not gonna risk getting on your mom's bad side.
JOSS: OMG, Oscar, is that some kids stealing our bikes? I recognize them from when they got their drunk on in my mom's hot tub, which got me grounded in the first place.
INSIDE THE PIT
SONNY: Is that Josslyn and that Oscar kid I hear? What are they doin' hangin' around some old distillery at dis hour? HEY JOSSLYN! OSCAR! CAN A GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO LOSE HIS LEG GET SOME HELP AROUND HERE?
SAM'S ER CUBICLE IN HOSPITAL
HALLUCI-SONNY: Brain Worms, huh, Sam? You put a hole in my leg and you gonna blame DA BRAIN WORMZ?
SAM: He's back! He's back!
JASON: No, Sam. That's not Silas. Wait, who is Silas anyway? Did I know this guy? Anyway, the guy's name is Finn and he's the resident Brain Worms expert. You need to get some rest.
SAM: Ok. (slips into coma)
JASON: Dammit, NOT THAT WAY!
HOSPITAL ER
GRIFFIN: So if there's no cat and it can't be linked to a thermos full of Cassadine chimera madness, then it has to be the time Crazy Olivia pushed Sam over the embankment and some bird pooped on her.
FINN: Yeah, that's gotta be it.
KRISTINA: It's ALL YOUR FAULT Julian! She's your psycho sister!
JASON: I suggest you get lost, Julian.
ALEXIS: Yeah, I kinda agree. Get lost ex-hubby. But don't go too far because you're my drug now that the booze is out of my system.
GRIFFIN: Man, do I need a storyline or what? Second fiddle to Dr. Brain Worms just ain't cuttin' it. Who can I seduce with my sexy priesty doc svengali skillz?
Monday, March 6, 2017
Humpty Duke-ty
I'm back after a long time away to spoof today's show because it featured some of the batshit craziness that I miss from back when Ron Carlivati was the head writer. Here goes...
METROCOURT:
DIANE: Do I know you? I feel like I've seen you somewhere in the Soapyverse.
NORA: I've been around. Hey, aren't you the bigshot lawyer in this town?
DIANE: I am THE lawyer in this town. My gal pal Alexis fell in love with ANOTHER mobster and he made her do stuff that the bar frowned upon, so that leaves me. Speaking of mobsters, I got a huge custody case handed to be by the mob kingpin of Port Chuckles and I'm facing this badass attorney Nora Buchanan from a place called Llanview.
NORA: Yeah, I hear she's the cat's pajamas.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Hey, sweetlips, your kid got freaky when I talked to him about Sam and his new baby sister. He's all like "Helena put a ginormous curse on Sam". Better keep your eye on that one.
LIZ: Aw, Jakey has such an imagination! He could be the next Franco.
FRANCO: If your 9-year-old is freaking ME out, I'd think you'd be a little more concerned.
LIZ: Jakey just wants to be a regular kid who happens to have memories of life on a creepy island with a maniacal octogenarian. By the way, I haven't seen you mopping up any medical waste yet. Aren't you supposed to be the janitor?
FRANCO: Didn't get the gig. I was totally bummed until I got this swell job as a parking attendant.
CRIMSON
VALENTIN: Nina, you broke curfew. Consider yourself grounded. No phone for 2 weeks!
NINA: So you noticed? I thought you were busy bringing flowers to Anna Devane in the hospital.
VALENTIN: So I gave her a "Sorry You Passed Out After Breaking Into My House" bouquet, but that's as far as it went. But back to your transgression: Charlotte cried herself to sleep since you weren't there to tuck her in and tell her haute couture bedtime stories.
NINA: Awww, poor Charlotte!
VALENTIN: What about "Awwww, poor Valentin"? We need to be thick as thieves for our custody hearing. No Anna accusations in the courtroom, you hear?
NINA: Fine, then I'm not going!
VALENTIN: FINE!
ANNA'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DANTE: Do I have to handcuff you to this hospital bed, Anna?
ANNA: Controlling much? This is MY rare blood cancer, not yours. Seeing what Tracy had to deal with last year with those brain worms, I guess I got off rather easy.
GRIFFIN: Anna, why so vertical? You should be resting in this here bed.
ANNA: Crazy Olivia Jerome is on the lam! I need to pull up my big girl spy panties and lure her out of hiding.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
ROBIN: Do I have a "Kidnap Me" sign on my back? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!?!?
OLIVIA J: Oh, little Robin, this will be like old times! We're going on a little field trip down under.
ROBIN: What do you need in Australia?
OLIVIA J: Down under this hospital you silly goose you! We're going to the secret resurrection lab where my idol HELENA CASSADINE revived her beloved son Stavros!
ROBIN: Seriously??? Her again????
OLIVIA J: Helena and I go WAY back. In our previous lives, I was a flighty, two-timing chick from DC who was cheating on her disabled son with a rich playboy. She was much nicer then even if she sometimes didn't like me that much.*
METROCOURT
LAURA: Thanks, Diane, for repping my daughter. I'm fully aware she has a 7-year-old with a restraining order against her, but she's really a nice lady.
DIANE: It's no problem, Laura. When Sonny asks me to jump, the first thing I do is ask how high.
VALENTIN: Hello Ms. Buchanan. I really appreciate you hopping soap towns to represent me and Nina.
NORA: It's no problem, Mr. Cassadine. It's not like anything was going on in Llanview these days. It's been a sad ghost town since 2012. There was a brief attempt at a new-age revival, but it wasn't to be. By the way, where is this Nina?
VALENTIN: She bailed.
LULU: (to herself) YYYYYESSSSSS!
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Do you get a weird feeling that there's a dude in the trunk of this car all gagged and freezing his ass off?
LIZ: Could be. Let's check.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
OLIVIA J: Go toward the light! The glowing green light! Helena calling!
ROBIN: Oh brother.
OLIVIA J: See these fancy schmancy machines, Robin? They defrosted Stavros like a microwave warms up a Lean Cuisine. Can you help me defrost Duke?
ROBIN: Let me explain how cryogenics works. You need a not-quite-dead body. Duke has been reabsorbed into the Scottish soil.
OLIVIA J: But...but...I have a secret vial with a lock of his hair. Surely you can re-construct him from his DNA.
ROBIN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No. And don't call me Shirley. (knocks over Olivia's vial)
OLIVIA J: YOU BROKE HIM!!!!! YOU BROKE MY DUKEY!!!!! BAD, BAD GIRL!!!
ROBIN: This is what I get for coming back to the Chuckles...
CRIMSON:
NINA: (over phone with Charlotte) I miss you, Charlotte. I'm so sorry I had to do some adulting last night and work late. Total bummer. Yeah, I'll totes sing your song about stars.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Look, I found a Julian! Did I call it or what?
LIZ: Yeah, I think he might need some medical attention.
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
GRIFFIN: He's gonna live...unfortunately.
ANNA: I swear he's like a Cassadine. He NEVER DIES!
ELEVATOR
OLIVIA J: Remember me?
GRIFFIN: How could I forget those Crazy Eyes?
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
ANNA: Who did this to you, Julian? Was it Olivia?
JULIAN: I'm feeling sleepy.
ANNA: DAMMIT, JULIAN, ANSWER ME!!!!
* Back in the 80s, Tonja Walker (Olivia) and Constance Towers (Helena) both starred on Capitol and Tonja's character Lizbeth was dating Connie's character Clarissa's son Thomas while fooling around with Jordy Clegg on the side.
METROCOURT:
DIANE: Do I know you? I feel like I've seen you somewhere in the Soapyverse.
NORA: I've been around. Hey, aren't you the bigshot lawyer in this town?
DIANE: I am THE lawyer in this town. My gal pal Alexis fell in love with ANOTHER mobster and he made her do stuff that the bar frowned upon, so that leaves me. Speaking of mobsters, I got a huge custody case handed to be by the mob kingpin of Port Chuckles and I'm facing this badass attorney Nora Buchanan from a place called Llanview.
NORA: Yeah, I hear she's the cat's pajamas.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Hey, sweetlips, your kid got freaky when I talked to him about Sam and his new baby sister. He's all like "Helena put a ginormous curse on Sam". Better keep your eye on that one.
LIZ: Aw, Jakey has such an imagination! He could be the next Franco.
FRANCO: If your 9-year-old is freaking ME out, I'd think you'd be a little more concerned.
LIZ: Jakey just wants to be a regular kid who happens to have memories of life on a creepy island with a maniacal octogenarian. By the way, I haven't seen you mopping up any medical waste yet. Aren't you supposed to be the janitor?
FRANCO: Didn't get the gig. I was totally bummed until I got this swell job as a parking attendant.
CRIMSON
VALENTIN: Nina, you broke curfew. Consider yourself grounded. No phone for 2 weeks!
NINA: So you noticed? I thought you were busy bringing flowers to Anna Devane in the hospital.
VALENTIN: So I gave her a "Sorry You Passed Out After Breaking Into My House" bouquet, but that's as far as it went. But back to your transgression: Charlotte cried herself to sleep since you weren't there to tuck her in and tell her haute couture bedtime stories.
NINA: Awww, poor Charlotte!
VALENTIN: What about "Awwww, poor Valentin"? We need to be thick as thieves for our custody hearing. No Anna accusations in the courtroom, you hear?
NINA: Fine, then I'm not going!
VALENTIN: FINE!
ANNA'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DANTE: Do I have to handcuff you to this hospital bed, Anna?
ANNA: Controlling much? This is MY rare blood cancer, not yours. Seeing what Tracy had to deal with last year with those brain worms, I guess I got off rather easy.
GRIFFIN: Anna, why so vertical? You should be resting in this here bed.
ANNA: Crazy Olivia Jerome is on the lam! I need to pull up my big girl spy panties and lure her out of hiding.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
ROBIN: Do I have a "Kidnap Me" sign on my back? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!?!?
OLIVIA J: Oh, little Robin, this will be like old times! We're going on a little field trip down under.
ROBIN: What do you need in Australia?
OLIVIA J: Down under this hospital you silly goose you! We're going to the secret resurrection lab where my idol HELENA CASSADINE revived her beloved son Stavros!
ROBIN: Seriously??? Her again????
OLIVIA J: Helena and I go WAY back. In our previous lives, I was a flighty, two-timing chick from DC who was cheating on her disabled son with a rich playboy. She was much nicer then even if she sometimes didn't like me that much.*
METROCOURT
LAURA: Thanks, Diane, for repping my daughter. I'm fully aware she has a 7-year-old with a restraining order against her, but she's really a nice lady.
DIANE: It's no problem, Laura. When Sonny asks me to jump, the first thing I do is ask how high.
VALENTIN: Hello Ms. Buchanan. I really appreciate you hopping soap towns to represent me and Nina.
NORA: It's no problem, Mr. Cassadine. It's not like anything was going on in Llanview these days. It's been a sad ghost town since 2012. There was a brief attempt at a new-age revival, but it wasn't to be. By the way, where is this Nina?
VALENTIN: She bailed.
LULU: (to herself) YYYYYESSSSSS!
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Do you get a weird feeling that there's a dude in the trunk of this car all gagged and freezing his ass off?
LIZ: Could be. Let's check.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
OLIVIA J: Go toward the light! The glowing green light! Helena calling!
ROBIN: Oh brother.
OLIVIA J: See these fancy schmancy machines, Robin? They defrosted Stavros like a microwave warms up a Lean Cuisine. Can you help me defrost Duke?
ROBIN: Let me explain how cryogenics works. You need a not-quite-dead body. Duke has been reabsorbed into the Scottish soil.
OLIVIA J: But...but...I have a secret vial with a lock of his hair. Surely you can re-construct him from his DNA.
ROBIN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No. And don't call me Shirley. (knocks over Olivia's vial)
OLIVIA J: YOU BROKE HIM!!!!! YOU BROKE MY DUKEY!!!!! BAD, BAD GIRL!!!
ROBIN: This is what I get for coming back to the Chuckles...
CRIMSON:
NINA: (over phone with Charlotte) I miss you, Charlotte. I'm so sorry I had to do some adulting last night and work late. Total bummer. Yeah, I'll totes sing your song about stars.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Look, I found a Julian! Did I call it or what?
LIZ: Yeah, I think he might need some medical attention.
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
GRIFFIN: He's gonna live...unfortunately.
ANNA: I swear he's like a Cassadine. He NEVER DIES!
ELEVATOR
OLIVIA J: Remember me?
GRIFFIN: How could I forget those Crazy Eyes?
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
ANNA: Who did this to you, Julian? Was it Olivia?
JULIAN: I'm feeling sleepy.
ANNA: DAMMIT, JULIAN, ANSWER ME!!!!
* Back in the 80s, Tonja Walker (Olivia) and Constance Towers (Helena) both starred on Capitol and Tonja's character Lizbeth was dating Connie's character Clarissa's son Thomas while fooling around with Jordy Clegg on the side.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Nurses' Ball 2016 Day 2: Game of Throne
It may not have been on stage (because that would have been REALLY tacky!) but the ol' commode made an appearance Day 2 of the Nurses' Ball all the same...
BALLROOM
NED: Don't I look like Elton?
EMMA: Don't I look very cute?
NED: Don't fall off the piano!
EMMA: I love to sparkle and shine!
NED: I'm still around. Don't forget I'm in town. E-ven though NOBODY KNOWS IT!
EMMA: When were you la-st on?
NED: I think it was when my mom had brain worms.
NED: I'm a Quartermaine!
EMMA: And I'm a Scorpio-Drake!
NED & EMMA: Get your checkbooks out now!
LUCY: What they said! Isn't Emma the CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN?
FELIX: Hey Brad, your other half is missing. Where's Lucas?
BRAD: Don't sweat it. He's off doing Lucas things.
BACKSTAGE
EPIPHANY: What the HAYULL is goin' on in there? (opens bathroom door)
DR. OBRECHT: ERNTER MER NER! ER NERD TER PERFERM MER NERMBER. ZER SERND ERF MERSERK!
EPIPHANY: Hmmm, do I really want to take the gag outta this woman's mouth?
DR. OBRECHT: DERNT JERST STERND ZERE! GERT ZERS GERG ERTA MER MERF! EPIPHANY: (reluctantly removes gag) Don't make me regret this.
DR. OBRECHT: Now get me off zis verflucht toilet and find my handpuppets AT ONCE!
EPIPHANY: Do you mean to say the queen wants to be dethroned? As for the puppets, do you remember one Mr. Marbles?
BALLROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Commish, about that time I was shot...
JORDAN: Really? You're going to make me WORK at the friggin' NURSES' BALL? Get lost!
FELIX: Hey Brad, your other half is missing. Where's Lucas?
BRAD: Don't sweat it. He's off doing Lucas things.
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: OMG, Mom? Isn't the floor kind of a rough place to take a nap?
BOBBIE: Lucas? Where are we? Why am I dressed as a nurse? OMG, this is the Nurses' Ball! Why is backstage spinning like the mirror ball at the Campus Disco?
LUCAS: Yeah, we better get you to the hospital and trade that nurse's getup for a gown and slippery socks.
BOBBIE: Remember how you're supposed to get married in 5 minutes?
CARLY: Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the cheapest slut of all.
AVA: Cute, Carly, real cute. Too bad your nursery rhymes will be lost on Avery because tomorrow morning, she's MINE!
CARLY: I don't think so. Watch it and weep, Jerome!
VIDEO CLIP
AVA: Smack me good, Paul, smack me REAL GOOD!
PAUL: 50 Shades of Sexy Paintings, baby! You know artwork has eyes.
AVA: Don't I know it! Artwork tells no lies. It lays it all out for everyone to see!
PAUL: What exactly do you mean by that, sugarlips?
BACKSTAGE
AVA: You know I recorded that on purpose, didn't you? You never know when you're gonna need a sex tape to spice things up.
CARLY: Wait until Kiki sees it. Wait 'till it goes VIRAL!
BALLROOM
LUCY: As if one cute kiddo on stage at the Nurses' Ball weren't enough, here is Jake Webber! JAKE: Need. Franco. NOW!
LIZ: You can do it, Jakey!
FRANCO: Quackity quack, don't talk back!
JAKE: Quack quack baby!
FRANCO: You quack me up!
JAKE: Life is like a hurricane, here in Duckburg!
FRANCO: Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes, it's a duck blur!
JAKE: Might solve a mystery
FRANCO: Or rewrite history!
JAKE & FRANCO: Ducktales! Woo-oo!
BACKSTAGE
JAKE: Franco, you were the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME!
FRANCO: And you were AWESOMER than the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME!
LIZ: Go Jakey! Go Jakey! Go go go Jakey!
JAKE: Dad, wasn't Franco hilarious?
JASON: That's one way of putting it, son.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: I need some help here. The opening number took a lot outta my mom and she passed out.
DR. FINN: I can check her for brain worms. They're my specialty. That and bearded dragons.
DR. OBRECHT: Be afraid, Bobbie Spencer. Be verrrry afraid of Doctah Finish Zem Off.
OUTSIDE BALLROOM
PAUL: We have a problem, young lady.
AVA: Oh really? Whatever do you mean, Mister District Attorney?
PAUL: I'll put his to you simply: You're Carly's bitch, Miss Jerome.
BALLROOM
LUCY: Are 'yall ready for this? It's Magic Milo time!!!
MAGIC MILO: Lucas has been replaced by a priest. This should be fun.
GRIFFIN: Money for AIDS research, Griffin. Money for AIDS research.
CURTIS: Nobody tells Curtis Ashford to shut up. NO-BO-DY!
FELIX: Man that new priest is lookin' hotter than Hades!
DILLON: Last year I was all about a Lulu. Now I'm into a Kiki. How does this keep happening?
WOMENFOLK AND BRAD: WOOT WOOT! SEXY SEXY!
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: Good news, Nurse Spencer. You don't have brain worms. Bad news: Your head is spinning 'round and 'round like a record. You remember those, right? Records ? Anyway, you might need an exorcist. I'll see if I can scare one up.
LUCAS: This dude's a little nuts, but he knows what he's doing, Mom. He extracted thousands of worms from Tracy Quartermaine's brain. Looks like I'm gonna have to put the ol' kibosh on the Nurses' Ball nuptials.
BOBBIE: You will do NO SUCH THING, LUCAS JONES! Marry Brad already, before he finds another secret wife!
BACKSTAGE
AVA: Gimme your phone, CAR-LY! NOW!
CARLY: You never know when you might need a sex tape to spice things up. How do you like your little packet of sriracha now, A-VA? By the way, I still have the flash drive.
AVA: WHADDAYAWANT FROM ME?
CARLY: Hello? She's a year and a half old and calls my hubby DADDY!
AVA: And she calls ME mommy!
CARLY: Want the flash drive? You're gonna have to fight me for it and with my catfighting track record...good luck with that.
AVA: (grabs flash drive from Carly while she's gloating and flushes it down the toilet) Let it go! Let it go! Put it in and flush it down! I don't care what you're going to say.
CARLY: It is on the cloud! Diaper changing never bothered me anyway.
OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM
DIANE: Sorry to have to do this to you during THE social event of the year, but you're being served.
JASON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT??? Sorry to have to say this, Sam, but your cousin's a rat bastard.
NIKOLAS: I said BEHAVE YOURSELF or I'll send you to time out. What part of "Don't kibitz with the cops" do you not understand?
CURTIS: Sexy Bodyguard to the rescue. Hands off the Haychel, Princey-Prince!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Surprise! Brad Cooper and Lucas Jones are getting HITCHED right here at the 2016 Nurses' Ball. Should I start humming "Here Come The Grooms" yet?
BRAD: I'm here. That makes one of us.
HOSPITAL
UNCONSCIOUS LUCAS: Told you I shouldn't have seen Brad before the ceremony. The superstition is real, people. It's real!
BALLROOM
NED: Don't I look like Elton?
EMMA: Don't I look very cute?
NED: Don't fall off the piano!
EMMA: I love to sparkle and shine!
NED: I'm still around. Don't forget I'm in town. E-ven though NOBODY KNOWS IT!
EMMA: When were you la-st on?
NED: I think it was when my mom had brain worms.
NED: I'm a Quartermaine!
EMMA: And I'm a Scorpio-Drake!
NED & EMMA: Get your checkbooks out now!
LUCY: What they said! Isn't Emma the CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN?
FELIX: Hey Brad, your other half is missing. Where's Lucas?
BRAD: Don't sweat it. He's off doing Lucas things.
BACKSTAGE
EPIPHANY: What the HAYULL is goin' on in there? (opens bathroom door)
DR. OBRECHT: ERNTER MER NER! ER NERD TER PERFERM MER NERMBER. ZER SERND ERF MERSERK!
EPIPHANY: Hmmm, do I really want to take the gag outta this woman's mouth?
DR. OBRECHT: DERNT JERST STERND ZERE! GERT ZERS GERG ERTA MER MERF! EPIPHANY: (reluctantly removes gag) Don't make me regret this.
DR. OBRECHT: Now get me off zis verflucht toilet and find my handpuppets AT ONCE!
EPIPHANY: Do you mean to say the queen wants to be dethroned? As for the puppets, do you remember one Mr. Marbles?
BALLROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Commish, about that time I was shot...
JORDAN: Really? You're going to make me WORK at the friggin' NURSES' BALL? Get lost!
FELIX: Hey Brad, your other half is missing. Where's Lucas?
BRAD: Don't sweat it. He's off doing Lucas things.
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: OMG, Mom? Isn't the floor kind of a rough place to take a nap?
BOBBIE: Lucas? Where are we? Why am I dressed as a nurse? OMG, this is the Nurses' Ball! Why is backstage spinning like the mirror ball at the Campus Disco?
LUCAS: Yeah, we better get you to the hospital and trade that nurse's getup for a gown and slippery socks.
BOBBIE: Remember how you're supposed to get married in 5 minutes?
CARLY: Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the cheapest slut of all.
AVA: Cute, Carly, real cute. Too bad your nursery rhymes will be lost on Avery because tomorrow morning, she's MINE!
CARLY: I don't think so. Watch it and weep, Jerome!
VIDEO CLIP
AVA: Smack me good, Paul, smack me REAL GOOD!
PAUL: 50 Shades of Sexy Paintings, baby! You know artwork has eyes.
AVA: Don't I know it! Artwork tells no lies. It lays it all out for everyone to see!
PAUL: What exactly do you mean by that, sugarlips?
BACKSTAGE
AVA: You know I recorded that on purpose, didn't you? You never know when you're gonna need a sex tape to spice things up.
CARLY: Wait until Kiki sees it. Wait 'till it goes VIRAL!
BALLROOM
LUCY: As if one cute kiddo on stage at the Nurses' Ball weren't enough, here is Jake Webber! JAKE: Need. Franco. NOW!
LIZ: You can do it, Jakey!
FRANCO: Quackity quack, don't talk back!
JAKE: Quack quack baby!
FRANCO: You quack me up!
JAKE: Life is like a hurricane, here in Duckburg!
FRANCO: Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes, it's a duck blur!
JAKE: Might solve a mystery
FRANCO: Or rewrite history!
JAKE & FRANCO: Ducktales! Woo-oo!
BACKSTAGE
JAKE: Franco, you were the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME!
FRANCO: And you were AWESOMER than the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME!
LIZ: Go Jakey! Go Jakey! Go go go Jakey!
JAKE: Dad, wasn't Franco hilarious?
JASON: That's one way of putting it, son.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: I need some help here. The opening number took a lot outta my mom and she passed out.
DR. FINN: I can check her for brain worms. They're my specialty. That and bearded dragons.
DR. OBRECHT: Be afraid, Bobbie Spencer. Be verrrry afraid of Doctah Finish Zem Off.
OUTSIDE BALLROOM
PAUL: We have a problem, young lady.
AVA: Oh really? Whatever do you mean, Mister District Attorney?
PAUL: I'll put his to you simply: You're Carly's bitch, Miss Jerome.
BALLROOM
LUCY: Are 'yall ready for this? It's Magic Milo time!!!
MAGIC MILO: Lucas has been replaced by a priest. This should be fun.
GRIFFIN: Money for AIDS research, Griffin. Money for AIDS research.
CURTIS: Nobody tells Curtis Ashford to shut up. NO-BO-DY!
FELIX: Man that new priest is lookin' hotter than Hades!
DILLON: Last year I was all about a Lulu. Now I'm into a Kiki. How does this keep happening?
WOMENFOLK AND BRAD: WOOT WOOT! SEXY SEXY!
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: Good news, Nurse Spencer. You don't have brain worms. Bad news: Your head is spinning 'round and 'round like a record. You remember those, right? Records ? Anyway, you might need an exorcist. I'll see if I can scare one up.
LUCAS: This dude's a little nuts, but he knows what he's doing, Mom. He extracted thousands of worms from Tracy Quartermaine's brain. Looks like I'm gonna have to put the ol' kibosh on the Nurses' Ball nuptials.
BOBBIE: You will do NO SUCH THING, LUCAS JONES! Marry Brad already, before he finds another secret wife!
BACKSTAGE
AVA: Gimme your phone, CAR-LY! NOW!
CARLY: You never know when you might need a sex tape to spice things up. How do you like your little packet of sriracha now, A-VA? By the way, I still have the flash drive.
AVA: WHADDAYAWANT FROM ME?
CARLY: Hello? She's a year and a half old and calls my hubby DADDY!
AVA: And she calls ME mommy!
CARLY: Want the flash drive? You're gonna have to fight me for it and with my catfighting track record...good luck with that.
AVA: (grabs flash drive from Carly while she's gloating and flushes it down the toilet) Let it go! Let it go! Put it in and flush it down! I don't care what you're going to say.
CARLY: It is on the cloud! Diaper changing never bothered me anyway.
OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM
DIANE: Sorry to have to do this to you during THE social event of the year, but you're being served.
JASON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT??? Sorry to have to say this, Sam, but your cousin's a rat bastard.
NIKOLAS: I said BEHAVE YOURSELF or I'll send you to time out. What part of "Don't kibitz with the cops" do you not understand?
CURTIS: Sexy Bodyguard to the rescue. Hands off the Haychel, Princey-Prince!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Surprise! Brad Cooper and Lucas Jones are getting HITCHED right here at the 2016 Nurses' Ball. Should I start humming "Here Come The Grooms" yet?
BRAD: I'm here. That makes one of us.
HOSPITAL
UNCONSCIOUS LUCAS: Told you I shouldn't have seen Brad before the ceremony. The superstition is real, people. It's real!
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Nurses' Ball 2016 Day 1: Mic Drop
Because a little Nina with a microphone on the Nurses' Ball Red Carpet is a dangerous thing...
METROCOURT ROOM
EMMA: Is it time for us to pretend to watch the Nurses' Ball yet, Mommy?
ROBIN: Just about. Too bad Daddy is stuck in Genoa City pretending to be some guy named Billy. Oh well, I had to miss the Nurses' Ball last year because I was AGAIN being held captive by Cassdines, so I guess this year it's his turn.
RED CARPET
DONNIE SHELDON: Joining us on the Red Carpet this year, for some reason, is Editor-In-Chief of Crimson magazine, Nina Reeves.
NINA: Hi camera! It's me, Nina. I'm on the red carpet. Look, it's AH-na Devane, the ex-commish who's now a criminal! Tell me, AH-na, is orange the new black?
ANNA: It's ANNA, dammit. ANNA!!!
NINA: That went well.
BACKSTAGE
AMY: I'm SUPER psyched to be onstage this year. Like O to the MG, I'm going to be star of the show. Remember when The Britch showed up ON STAGE at the Nurses' Ball, PREGGERS??? And IT WASN'T EVEN HER BABY!! And LAST YEAR, Ric Lansing proposed to Elizabeth and CARLY outed him for hiring Hayden Barnes--I mean RACHEL BERLIN to be Jake Doe's--I mean JASON MORGAN'S fake wife!
LIZ: OMG, my ears are bleeding! Please make it stop and give that girl a muzz--kerPLUNK!
FRANCO: I'll save you, Elizabeth, because I'M YOUR HERO!
LIZ: You are?
METROCOURT
CARLY: I mean it, Obrecht! No opening number shenanigans this year or I'll have you forcibly removed from the stage.
DR. OBRECHT: How predictable do you sink I am, Mrs. Corinsos? Seizing control of ze opening number is, as you Americans say, SO last year.
CARLY: AND the year before.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
KIKI: What's the service hedgehog still doing here?
AVA: Hello! He's intercepting dead birds. Why else would I let him saw a log cabin on my couch every night?
SCOTT: Is that a way to treat your service lawyer hedgehog dead bird wrangling date for this shindig?
AVA: Considering last year at this time even I thought I was dead, attending the social event of the year with a snoring hedgehog is a step up.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is Prince Nikolas Cassadine...
NINA: And RACHEL BERLIN! You know, daughter of the Raymond that EVERYBODY HATES! So, where's your SECRET STASH of Daddy's cash?
HAYCHEL: Go to hell.
NIKOLAS: Now that's not very Cassadine Royalty of you, Haychel. Smile and say you're sorry. I'll have you know, Donnie, that my wife has PLENTY of secret stashes. Of what, nobody knows!
BAR AT METROCOURT
ANDRE: They say "Physician heal thyself". I hope that applies to shrinks because, Jordan, I have a bad case of lovin' you.
JORDAN: As long as it's just me and not Anna too. Two's company, Andre. Three's a crowd.
ANDRE: But Three IS Company. Come and knock on our door. We've been waiting for you...
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: Why is Brad here, Mom. That's bad luck. Now something bad WILL happen.
BRAD: What could happen? You accidentally marry Felix instead? By the way, please don't do that.
LUCAS: Do what?
BRAD: Marry Felix by mistake.
FELIX: I ain't NOBODY'S mistake. Chill out, boys! It's your wedding day. Be happy! Be gay!
LUCAS & BRAD: We'll pretend we didn't hear that.
HOSPITAL
MAXIE: Griffin, you need to release Nathan NOW because it's the Nurses' Ball and I can't fly solo on the red carpet.
GRIFFIN: Sorry, no can do. Head injury and all.
MAXIE: Fine, then YOU be my date.
GRIFFIN: I'm a priest. Priests don't date.
MAXIE: Fine, be my ESCORT.
GRIFFIN: That's even worse! (checks phone and sees text from Emma). On second thought, what the hey?
RED CARPET
NINA: Kiki Zherome, don't you look lovely tonight.
KIKI: Thanks. This is super awkward, sharing a date with my MOM!
NINA: By mom, she means Homewrecker Extraordinaire Ava Zherome who slept with MY LATE EX HUBBY SILAS.
AVA: Someone put a gag order on that woman! Prepare to hand Avery over, CARLY!
CARLY: We'll see about that. I'm about to take a little field trip.
NINA: Look, here's my AMAZEBALLS assistant Maxie Jones with a man who isn't my brother!
MAXIE: That's because your brother is still recovering from being hit in the head with a rock thrown by Carrrrrrrrlos and I'm standing with the man who's keeping him in the hospital to heal his wounds. Oh, and he's also a priest, so Nathan has no reason to be jelly.
BALLROOM
EMMA: Grandma Anna!
ANNA: Emma? Am I seeing things again? I'm I still in the freezer on the docks? Is Duke going to pop out of that curtain next? How come I'm not freezing my arse off?
EMMA: Grandma Anna, you said the British word for ---
ROBIN: O-kay, Emma, now can you tell me where this Griffin guy is? Hi Mom. Sorry I'm not Duke. I have been in some hallucinations lately, though. Just ask Jason.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is former mob hitman who, rumor has it, is just now remembering ALL of his past and here's his ex-wife Sam. So, are you the happiest divorced couple EVER or what?
SAM: Have you seen my parents?
JASON: I remember the Nurses' Ball. It's all coming back to me now. Every single number. I'm starting to wonder if my brain can hold all this information I'm remembering.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
CARLY: It's time to play detective. Now if I were a flash drive with a murder confession on it, where would I hide? Sock drawer? Bra drawer? Cocktail shaker? BINGO! You're going DOWN, Ava Jerome. Carly C does it again! Crap, is that the door? No, I guess it isn't. Time to get back to the ball and bring Ava to her KNEES!
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is the woman who inspired the "Sorry Your House Exploded" t-shirts at the Sad Robe Store, Elizabeth Webber and on her arm is serial killer-turned art therapist, the one-named Franco! What an odd pairing these two.
NINA: I'll say.
LIZ: Holy CRAP I'm wearing the same dress as HAYCHEL!
MAXIE: You SO wore it better, but yeah, I'll find you something else.
NINA: Twinsies!
HAYCHEL: Could this infernal Nurses' Ball GET any worse?
NIKOLAS: You're going DOWN, Jason Morgan. NOBODY sics the IRS on a Cassadine. Do you KNOW who I share DNA with?
ROBIN: Oh NOES! Two of my best friends hate each other's guts. What am I gonna DO? Whose side am I on?
BALLROOM
EMMA: Griffin, you're WAY too cute to be a priest.
GRIFFIN: God doesn't think so. He called me and I answered. But that doesn't mean I can't play Cowboys and Neurosurgeons with you, kiddo.
BACKSTAGE
CARLY: Where's the murder confession? What the---OMG! This is even BETTER! Carly Corinthos's Nurses' Ball Whistleblowing Streak is about to claim another victim!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Let the 2016 Nurses' Ball BEGIN!
GH STAFF: NURSES! We not gonna do that same old song from '14 and '15, that'd just be wrong. We're bringin' on the new which means we're rappin' 'cuz the old song made everybody start nappin'. NURSES! We're name droppin' GH history 'cuz we got a motormouth newbie tryin' to create buzz.
AMY: Amy Driscoll's my name. Port Chuckles gossip's my game. I'm finally on stage because stage crew's just lame. The writers named me after Amy Vining. People say I'm obnoxious, but they're just whining.
EPIPHANY: I'm Nurse Johnson and Magic Milo's my man. I always got my wits when the sh(*% hits the fan. I don't take no crap from the Mad Teutonic. She really needs to work on her English phonics.
ANDRE: I'm the sexy shrink who makes women drool. Jordan is a cop who likes to play by the rules. Sometimes my heart feels divided and it drives me insane 'cuz I have myself a crush on Anna Devane.
FELIX: Felix DuBois knows a thing or two about how to turn Brad Cooper into a better dude. Now he's marrying Lucas and I'm his best man. Lucy Coe will do the honors like only she can.
BRAD: I'm Brad Cooper and I run the GH lab. Your blood gets sent to me after you get a jab. I used to be a sleazeball and I used to have a wife. I divorced Rosalie and I'm about to change my life.
BOBBIE: I'm Bobbie Spencer and I guess I'm still a nurse. I started feeling funny and now I feel worse. When this number is over and they say that's a wrap I'm gonna go backstage and have myself a nap!
EVERYONE: NURSES!
METROCOURT BROOM CLOSET
DR. OBRECHT (tied up and gagged) ERDERVERSS! ERDERVERSS! ERVER MERNERN ER GRERT YER! SMER ERN WHERT, CLERN ERN BRERT, YERL BER HERPER TER MERT MER!
BACKSTAGE
BOBBIE: I was so not kidding when I said I needed a nap. Now if only I could find a so--(collapses)
METROCOURT ROOM
EMMA: Is it time for us to pretend to watch the Nurses' Ball yet, Mommy?
ROBIN: Just about. Too bad Daddy is stuck in Genoa City pretending to be some guy named Billy. Oh well, I had to miss the Nurses' Ball last year because I was AGAIN being held captive by Cassdines, so I guess this year it's his turn.
RED CARPET
DONNIE SHELDON: Joining us on the Red Carpet this year, for some reason, is Editor-In-Chief of Crimson magazine, Nina Reeves.
NINA: Hi camera! It's me, Nina. I'm on the red carpet. Look, it's AH-na Devane, the ex-commish who's now a criminal! Tell me, AH-na, is orange the new black?
ANNA: It's ANNA, dammit. ANNA!!!
NINA: That went well.
BACKSTAGE
AMY: I'm SUPER psyched to be onstage this year. Like O to the MG, I'm going to be star of the show. Remember when The Britch showed up ON STAGE at the Nurses' Ball, PREGGERS??? And IT WASN'T EVEN HER BABY!! And LAST YEAR, Ric Lansing proposed to Elizabeth and CARLY outed him for hiring Hayden Barnes--I mean RACHEL BERLIN to be Jake Doe's--I mean JASON MORGAN'S fake wife!
LIZ: OMG, my ears are bleeding! Please make it stop and give that girl a muzz--kerPLUNK!
FRANCO: I'll save you, Elizabeth, because I'M YOUR HERO!
LIZ: You are?
METROCOURT
CARLY: I mean it, Obrecht! No opening number shenanigans this year or I'll have you forcibly removed from the stage.
DR. OBRECHT: How predictable do you sink I am, Mrs. Corinsos? Seizing control of ze opening number is, as you Americans say, SO last year.
CARLY: AND the year before.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
KIKI: What's the service hedgehog still doing here?
AVA: Hello! He's intercepting dead birds. Why else would I let him saw a log cabin on my couch every night?
SCOTT: Is that a way to treat your service lawyer hedgehog dead bird wrangling date for this shindig?
AVA: Considering last year at this time even I thought I was dead, attending the social event of the year with a snoring hedgehog is a step up.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is Prince Nikolas Cassadine...
NINA: And RACHEL BERLIN! You know, daughter of the Raymond that EVERYBODY HATES! So, where's your SECRET STASH of Daddy's cash?
HAYCHEL: Go to hell.
NIKOLAS: Now that's not very Cassadine Royalty of you, Haychel. Smile and say you're sorry. I'll have you know, Donnie, that my wife has PLENTY of secret stashes. Of what, nobody knows!
BAR AT METROCOURT
ANDRE: They say "Physician heal thyself". I hope that applies to shrinks because, Jordan, I have a bad case of lovin' you.
JORDAN: As long as it's just me and not Anna too. Two's company, Andre. Three's a crowd.
ANDRE: But Three IS Company. Come and knock on our door. We've been waiting for you...
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: Why is Brad here, Mom. That's bad luck. Now something bad WILL happen.
BRAD: What could happen? You accidentally marry Felix instead? By the way, please don't do that.
LUCAS: Do what?
BRAD: Marry Felix by mistake.
FELIX: I ain't NOBODY'S mistake. Chill out, boys! It's your wedding day. Be happy! Be gay!
LUCAS & BRAD: We'll pretend we didn't hear that.
HOSPITAL
MAXIE: Griffin, you need to release Nathan NOW because it's the Nurses' Ball and I can't fly solo on the red carpet.
GRIFFIN: Sorry, no can do. Head injury and all.
MAXIE: Fine, then YOU be my date.
GRIFFIN: I'm a priest. Priests don't date.
MAXIE: Fine, be my ESCORT.
GRIFFIN: That's even worse! (checks phone and sees text from Emma). On second thought, what the hey?
RED CARPET
NINA: Kiki Zherome, don't you look lovely tonight.
KIKI: Thanks. This is super awkward, sharing a date with my MOM!
NINA: By mom, she means Homewrecker Extraordinaire Ava Zherome who slept with MY LATE EX HUBBY SILAS.
AVA: Someone put a gag order on that woman! Prepare to hand Avery over, CARLY!
CARLY: We'll see about that. I'm about to take a little field trip.
NINA: Look, here's my AMAZEBALLS assistant Maxie Jones with a man who isn't my brother!
MAXIE: That's because your brother is still recovering from being hit in the head with a rock thrown by Carrrrrrrrlos and I'm standing with the man who's keeping him in the hospital to heal his wounds. Oh, and he's also a priest, so Nathan has no reason to be jelly.
BALLROOM
EMMA: Grandma Anna!
ANNA: Emma? Am I seeing things again? I'm I still in the freezer on the docks? Is Duke going to pop out of that curtain next? How come I'm not freezing my arse off?
EMMA: Grandma Anna, you said the British word for ---
ROBIN: O-kay, Emma, now can you tell me where this Griffin guy is? Hi Mom. Sorry I'm not Duke. I have been in some hallucinations lately, though. Just ask Jason.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is former mob hitman who, rumor has it, is just now remembering ALL of his past and here's his ex-wife Sam. So, are you the happiest divorced couple EVER or what?
SAM: Have you seen my parents?
JASON: I remember the Nurses' Ball. It's all coming back to me now. Every single number. I'm starting to wonder if my brain can hold all this information I'm remembering.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
CARLY: It's time to play detective. Now if I were a flash drive with a murder confession on it, where would I hide? Sock drawer? Bra drawer? Cocktail shaker? BINGO! You're going DOWN, Ava Jerome. Carly C does it again! Crap, is that the door? No, I guess it isn't. Time to get back to the ball and bring Ava to her KNEES!
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is the woman who inspired the "Sorry Your House Exploded" t-shirts at the Sad Robe Store, Elizabeth Webber and on her arm is serial killer-turned art therapist, the one-named Franco! What an odd pairing these two.
NINA: I'll say.
LIZ: Holy CRAP I'm wearing the same dress as HAYCHEL!
MAXIE: You SO wore it better, but yeah, I'll find you something else.
NINA: Twinsies!
HAYCHEL: Could this infernal Nurses' Ball GET any worse?
NIKOLAS: You're going DOWN, Jason Morgan. NOBODY sics the IRS on a Cassadine. Do you KNOW who I share DNA with?
ROBIN: Oh NOES! Two of my best friends hate each other's guts. What am I gonna DO? Whose side am I on?
BALLROOM
EMMA: Griffin, you're WAY too cute to be a priest.
GRIFFIN: God doesn't think so. He called me and I answered. But that doesn't mean I can't play Cowboys and Neurosurgeons with you, kiddo.
BACKSTAGE
CARLY: Where's the murder confession? What the---OMG! This is even BETTER! Carly Corinthos's Nurses' Ball Whistleblowing Streak is about to claim another victim!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Let the 2016 Nurses' Ball BEGIN!
GH STAFF: NURSES! We not gonna do that same old song from '14 and '15, that'd just be wrong. We're bringin' on the new which means we're rappin' 'cuz the old song made everybody start nappin'. NURSES! We're name droppin' GH history 'cuz we got a motormouth newbie tryin' to create buzz.
AMY: Amy Driscoll's my name. Port Chuckles gossip's my game. I'm finally on stage because stage crew's just lame. The writers named me after Amy Vining. People say I'm obnoxious, but they're just whining.
EPIPHANY: I'm Nurse Johnson and Magic Milo's my man. I always got my wits when the sh(*% hits the fan. I don't take no crap from the Mad Teutonic. She really needs to work on her English phonics.
ANDRE: I'm the sexy shrink who makes women drool. Jordan is a cop who likes to play by the rules. Sometimes my heart feels divided and it drives me insane 'cuz I have myself a crush on Anna Devane.
FELIX: Felix DuBois knows a thing or two about how to turn Brad Cooper into a better dude. Now he's marrying Lucas and I'm his best man. Lucy Coe will do the honors like only she can.
BRAD: I'm Brad Cooper and I run the GH lab. Your blood gets sent to me after you get a jab. I used to be a sleazeball and I used to have a wife. I divorced Rosalie and I'm about to change my life.
BOBBIE: I'm Bobbie Spencer and I guess I'm still a nurse. I started feeling funny and now I feel worse. When this number is over and they say that's a wrap I'm gonna go backstage and have myself a nap!
EVERYONE: NURSES!
METROCOURT BROOM CLOSET
DR. OBRECHT (tied up and gagged) ERDERVERSS! ERDERVERSS! ERVER MERNERN ER GRERT YER! SMER ERN WHERT, CLERN ERN BRERT, YERL BER HERPER TER MERT MER!
BACKSTAGE
BOBBIE: I was so not kidding when I said I needed a nap. Now if only I could find a so--(collapses)
Monday, May 23, 2016
Look At The DIIIIIIIIAMONDS!
Liz catching Nikolas picking up Haychel's diiiiiiiiamonds made today a blogworthy show. Also, I love the Nurses' Ball, so you may see a few more blogs this week. Without further ado...
METROCOURT
BOBBIE: Look who's back in town for the Nurses' Ball! ME! Or did I never really leave town? The writers' broom closet is really close quarters. Oh, hi niece!
VALERIE: Hi aunt! I agree, the broom closet does get pretty crowded. And here I thought I was off studying at cop school. At least Lulu isn't trying to sic her fugitive friends on me, so there's that. Where's my sorta boyfriend Curtis? Is he hanging out with that Haychel chick again? By the way, I miss my mom.
FELIX: Hey, dayplayers on ladders, put some pep in your step. Nurses' Ball is TOMORROW! It's not like we didn't know this for MONTHS IN ADVANCE. Hop to!
BRAD: Take a chill pill, Felix! The Nurses' Ball is going to be extra awesome this year because Lucas and I are gettin' ourselves hitched!
FELIX: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: Doctah Finn, consider yourself on notice. You aah undah investigation.
DR. FINN: What for? Were you not at the meeting with the new Chief of Staff? Dr. Q says I'm clean as a whistle. You can stick your German Inquisition where the sun don't shine.
DR. OBRECHT: I vouldn't be so cavalier if I vere you, doctah Finn. I have been looking into your vork in zat city called Minneapolis in ze interest of putting togezzer a Doctah Finn Body Count.
DR. FINN: Yeah, good luck with that. You might just find out that some people die of old age. You're getting on in years yourself, Dr. O. Maybe you should be getting your affairs in order.
DR. OBRECHT: Aah you sreatening me, Doctah Finn? I vill continue my investigation and I vill see zat you aah srown in the SCHLAMMER!
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Look at the DIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS! That must be A ZILLION CARATS strewn across this floor! And you said you were broke.
NIKOLAS: You didn't see the diamonds, Liz. Begone! NOW!
LIZ: Overreact much, Nikolas? OMG, are these HAYCHEL'S DAD'S DIAMONDS????
NIKOLAS: What? You expect me to be living above the local greasy spoon and serving up BLTs at Kelly's? I have my standards, Liz.
LIZ: But those are BLOOD DIAMONDS, Nikolas! Haychel's dad got them from Ponzi-ing a bunch of poor, unsuspecting people! I can't unsee this!
NIKOLAS: Yes you can and you will. Cassadine orders.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: Sorry cuz, but you gots to DIE!
SABRINA: Noooo, Marrrrrrrrrrcos! Don't kill me! I have a baaaaaaaaybeeeeeee!
MARCOS: Your mistake, gettin' involved with Sonny Corrrrrrrintos's kid.
SABRINA: But he BROKE UP WITH ME! I hid Carrrrrrrrrrlos from him and made him believe my baaaaaaaaybeeeeeeee was his!
MARCOS: Um...don't care. I gotta cover my ass, even if it means killing my cuz.
MICHAEL: SABS! (Jumps Marcos and gets his gun)
SONNY: Easy, boy. Kick the gun over to me. It always looks more badass when I've got one in each hand .
SABRINA: Michael, you saved my life! MY HERO!
SONNY: Get a room! Might I suggest my private jet? Just finish up by the time I get back from dealing with this random goon.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
JULIAN: Check this out, good wife. I have a little something something for you to make up for the whole murdering Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos with your evil step granny's dagger. You like? It's full of diiiiiiiiiiamonds!
ALEXIS: I don't like your face anymore.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAT? Is that an accusation, Alexis? I don't like accusations. Accusations make me VERY CRANKY! (cell phone rings) Whaddaya want? Oh, hi son I almost forgot I had.
LUCAS: (over the phone) Hey dad, get to GH ASAP.
JULIAN: Are you bleeding?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Is your leg falling off?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: I'm kinda in the middle of yelling at my wife. Can this wait?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Fine, I'll be there and you'd better be in one piece.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: I come in peace, man.
SONNY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Prepare to DIE! Just kidding. I need you alive to help me send Julian Jerome to Pumpkinville. Get it? Pumpkinville? Orange jumpsuits? Where's your sense of humor, man?
MARCOS: I don't know no Julian Jerome. Is he in the NBA? Is he on Game of Thrones? Is he running for President?
SONNY: Does the name Carrrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrriverrrrrrra ring a bell?
MARCOS: Well, DUH! Carrrrrrrrrrrlos is my compadre. We go back a long way. He didn't say nothin' about this Julian Jerome guy.
SONNY: You know what, Marrrrrrrrrcos? I'm not gonna kill ya. I'll let the fellas in cellblock D do the honors. Orange really is your color.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Gimme my DIIIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS BACK!
NIKOLAS: NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN.
HAYCHEL: Dem's FIGHTIN' WORDS! (Jumps Nikolas and they end up on the floor) Hey, you wanna have some Petit Mort?
NIKOLAS: You disgust me! By the way, you're going to pretend to be my loving wife tomorrow at the Nurses' Ball. Cassadine Orders. You know what those mean, don't you, Haychel?
HAYCHEL: Two words: Orange Jumpsuit.
SONNY'S PLANE
SABRINA: OMG OMG OMG! Marrrrrrrrcos could have killed me and I might never have seen my baaaaaaaybeeeeee again! Sorry I lied about Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Michael.
MICHAEL: Aw, Sabs, I'm sorry I ditched you and drove you to run away with the guy! Why didn't you TELL me that life on the run with a fugitive was getting under your skin?
SABRINA: Because...because he shot your dad and you guys hated his guts and I had all the guilt feels about making you believe you were the baby daddy and I knew I wouldn't last five minutes in lockup and...
MICHAEL: Hey, I get it, I get it. You know Carrrrrrrrrlos is dead for real this time, right?
SABRINA: Come on, Michael, this is Port Chuckles! No one dies for real in this town!
METROCOURT
CURTIS: Hey girlfriend! Nice moves.
VALERIE: So you decided to show up after all. How come I don't get to see you practice stripping?
CURTIS: Because Lucy Coe has us rehearse in an undisclosed location. No spoilers, girl! Not even for you.
VALERIE: How about for Haychel?
CURTIS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
VALERIE: Ha ha! Just kidding!
HOSPITAL
HAYCHEL: Dr. Finn. Here's 10 grand. Does that make me slightly less of a bitch to you?
DR. FINN: Um, NO!
HAYCHEL: Well, I tried. At least you'll never run out of lizard food.
DR. FINN: Roxy's a BEARDED DRAGON, you idiot!
LIZ: Dr. Finn, are you going to pass out?
DR. FINN: NONEOFYADAMNBIZNESS!
LIZ: That went well...
JULIAN: So, Lucas, what's the big emergency?
LUCAS: I'm getting married at the Nurses' Ball tomorrow and a need a best man. Are you in, Dad?
JULIAN: Um, NO!
LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? I thought you were totally down with my gay marriage. You told me you voted for Bernie Sanders in the primary.
JULIAN: I've totally gone progressive, son. I'm feeling the Bern real good. Trouble is, I just offed Carrrrrrrrrrlos and stuff's a little crazy right now. You understand, don't you? A Jerome's gotta do what a Jerome's gotta do.
ALEXIS & JULIANS' HOUSE
ALEXIS: Diane, will you help me pick my self-respect off the floor?
DIANE: I can try. Is it about your mobster hubby and the Carrrrrrrlos thing?
ALEXIS: I knew he was a mobster when I married him but HE SAID HE'D CHANGED!
DIANE: This is going to be harder than I'd thought. Do you have any actual factual evidence that can get him sent up the river?
ALEXIS: Well...
JULIAN: You didn't tell me we had company. Are you conspiring with Diane to accuse me of more stuff I actually did but won't admit to doing?
METROCOURT
BRAD: Hey Felix, a little favor to ask. This is really last minute, but I kinda need a best man for my wedding tomorrow. Interested?
FELIX: You're right, it's totes last minute and feels like a sad consolation prize...but what the hey? It's not like I won't be looking FAB-U-LOSO for the Ball already, so you've got yourself a best man.
LUCAS: Sweet. Thanks, Felix. My dad turned me down because "stuff got complicated" so my sister's going to step in and be my best person. This is going to be THE BEST NURSES' BALL EVER!
METROCOURT
BOBBIE: Look who's back in town for the Nurses' Ball! ME! Or did I never really leave town? The writers' broom closet is really close quarters. Oh, hi niece!
VALERIE: Hi aunt! I agree, the broom closet does get pretty crowded. And here I thought I was off studying at cop school. At least Lulu isn't trying to sic her fugitive friends on me, so there's that. Where's my sorta boyfriend Curtis? Is he hanging out with that Haychel chick again? By the way, I miss my mom.
FELIX: Hey, dayplayers on ladders, put some pep in your step. Nurses' Ball is TOMORROW! It's not like we didn't know this for MONTHS IN ADVANCE. Hop to!
BRAD: Take a chill pill, Felix! The Nurses' Ball is going to be extra awesome this year because Lucas and I are gettin' ourselves hitched!
FELIX: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: Doctah Finn, consider yourself on notice. You aah undah investigation.
DR. FINN: What for? Were you not at the meeting with the new Chief of Staff? Dr. Q says I'm clean as a whistle. You can stick your German Inquisition where the sun don't shine.
DR. OBRECHT: I vouldn't be so cavalier if I vere you, doctah Finn. I have been looking into your vork in zat city called Minneapolis in ze interest of putting togezzer a Doctah Finn Body Count.
DR. FINN: Yeah, good luck with that. You might just find out that some people die of old age. You're getting on in years yourself, Dr. O. Maybe you should be getting your affairs in order.
DR. OBRECHT: Aah you sreatening me, Doctah Finn? I vill continue my investigation and I vill see zat you aah srown in the SCHLAMMER!
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Look at the DIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS! That must be A ZILLION CARATS strewn across this floor! And you said you were broke.
NIKOLAS: You didn't see the diamonds, Liz. Begone! NOW!
LIZ: Overreact much, Nikolas? OMG, are these HAYCHEL'S DAD'S DIAMONDS????
NIKOLAS: What? You expect me to be living above the local greasy spoon and serving up BLTs at Kelly's? I have my standards, Liz.
LIZ: But those are BLOOD DIAMONDS, Nikolas! Haychel's dad got them from Ponzi-ing a bunch of poor, unsuspecting people! I can't unsee this!
NIKOLAS: Yes you can and you will. Cassadine orders.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: Sorry cuz, but you gots to DIE!
SABRINA: Noooo, Marrrrrrrrrrcos! Don't kill me! I have a baaaaaaaaybeeeeeee!
MARCOS: Your mistake, gettin' involved with Sonny Corrrrrrrintos's kid.
SABRINA: But he BROKE UP WITH ME! I hid Carrrrrrrrrrlos from him and made him believe my baaaaaaaaybeeeeeeee was his!
MARCOS: Um...don't care. I gotta cover my ass, even if it means killing my cuz.
MICHAEL: SABS! (Jumps Marcos and gets his gun)
SONNY: Easy, boy. Kick the gun over to me. It always looks more badass when I've got one in each hand .
SABRINA: Michael, you saved my life! MY HERO!
SONNY: Get a room! Might I suggest my private jet? Just finish up by the time I get back from dealing with this random goon.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
JULIAN: Check this out, good wife. I have a little something something for you to make up for the whole murdering Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos with your evil step granny's dagger. You like? It's full of diiiiiiiiiiamonds!
ALEXIS: I don't like your face anymore.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAT? Is that an accusation, Alexis? I don't like accusations. Accusations make me VERY CRANKY! (cell phone rings) Whaddaya want? Oh, hi son I almost forgot I had.
LUCAS: (over the phone) Hey dad, get to GH ASAP.
JULIAN: Are you bleeding?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Is your leg falling off?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: I'm kinda in the middle of yelling at my wife. Can this wait?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Fine, I'll be there and you'd better be in one piece.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: I come in peace, man.
SONNY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Prepare to DIE! Just kidding. I need you alive to help me send Julian Jerome to Pumpkinville. Get it? Pumpkinville? Orange jumpsuits? Where's your sense of humor, man?
MARCOS: I don't know no Julian Jerome. Is he in the NBA? Is he on Game of Thrones? Is he running for President?
SONNY: Does the name Carrrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrriverrrrrrra ring a bell?
MARCOS: Well, DUH! Carrrrrrrrrrrlos is my compadre. We go back a long way. He didn't say nothin' about this Julian Jerome guy.
SONNY: You know what, Marrrrrrrrrcos? I'm not gonna kill ya. I'll let the fellas in cellblock D do the honors. Orange really is your color.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Gimme my DIIIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS BACK!
NIKOLAS: NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN.
HAYCHEL: Dem's FIGHTIN' WORDS! (Jumps Nikolas and they end up on the floor) Hey, you wanna have some Petit Mort?
NIKOLAS: You disgust me! By the way, you're going to pretend to be my loving wife tomorrow at the Nurses' Ball. Cassadine Orders. You know what those mean, don't you, Haychel?
HAYCHEL: Two words: Orange Jumpsuit.
SONNY'S PLANE
SABRINA: OMG OMG OMG! Marrrrrrrrcos could have killed me and I might never have seen my baaaaaaaybeeeeee again! Sorry I lied about Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Michael.
MICHAEL: Aw, Sabs, I'm sorry I ditched you and drove you to run away with the guy! Why didn't you TELL me that life on the run with a fugitive was getting under your skin?
SABRINA: Because...because he shot your dad and you guys hated his guts and I had all the guilt feels about making you believe you were the baby daddy and I knew I wouldn't last five minutes in lockup and...
MICHAEL: Hey, I get it, I get it. You know Carrrrrrrrrlos is dead for real this time, right?
SABRINA: Come on, Michael, this is Port Chuckles! No one dies for real in this town!
METROCOURT
CURTIS: Hey girlfriend! Nice moves.
VALERIE: So you decided to show up after all. How come I don't get to see you practice stripping?
CURTIS: Because Lucy Coe has us rehearse in an undisclosed location. No spoilers, girl! Not even for you.
VALERIE: How about for Haychel?
CURTIS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
VALERIE: Ha ha! Just kidding!
HOSPITAL
HAYCHEL: Dr. Finn. Here's 10 grand. Does that make me slightly less of a bitch to you?
DR. FINN: Um, NO!
HAYCHEL: Well, I tried. At least you'll never run out of lizard food.
DR. FINN: Roxy's a BEARDED DRAGON, you idiot!
LIZ: Dr. Finn, are you going to pass out?
DR. FINN: NONEOFYADAMNBIZNESS!
LIZ: That went well...
JULIAN: So, Lucas, what's the big emergency?
LUCAS: I'm getting married at the Nurses' Ball tomorrow and a need a best man. Are you in, Dad?
JULIAN: Um, NO!
LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? I thought you were totally down with my gay marriage. You told me you voted for Bernie Sanders in the primary.
JULIAN: I've totally gone progressive, son. I'm feeling the Bern real good. Trouble is, I just offed Carrrrrrrrrrlos and stuff's a little crazy right now. You understand, don't you? A Jerome's gotta do what a Jerome's gotta do.
ALEXIS & JULIANS' HOUSE
ALEXIS: Diane, will you help me pick my self-respect off the floor?
DIANE: I can try. Is it about your mobster hubby and the Carrrrrrrlos thing?
ALEXIS: I knew he was a mobster when I married him but HE SAID HE'D CHANGED!
DIANE: This is going to be harder than I'd thought. Do you have any actual factual evidence that can get him sent up the river?
ALEXIS: Well...
JULIAN: You didn't tell me we had company. Are you conspiring with Diane to accuse me of more stuff I actually did but won't admit to doing?
METROCOURT
BRAD: Hey Felix, a little favor to ask. This is really last minute, but I kinda need a best man for my wedding tomorrow. Interested?
FELIX: You're right, it's totes last minute and feels like a sad consolation prize...but what the hey? It's not like I won't be looking FAB-U-LOSO for the Ball already, so you've got yourself a best man.
LUCAS: Sweet. Thanks, Felix. My dad turned me down because "stuff got complicated" so my sister's going to step in and be my best person. This is going to be THE BEST NURSES' BALL EVER!
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