I'm back after a long time away to spoof today's show because it featured some of the batshit craziness that I miss from back when Ron Carlivati was the head writer. Here goes...
METROCOURT:
DIANE: Do I know you? I feel like I've seen you somewhere in the Soapyverse.
NORA: I've been around. Hey, aren't you the bigshot lawyer in this town?
DIANE: I am THE lawyer in this town. My gal pal Alexis fell in love with ANOTHER mobster and he made her do stuff that the bar frowned upon, so that leaves me. Speaking of mobsters, I got a huge custody case handed to be by the mob kingpin of Port Chuckles and I'm facing this badass attorney Nora Buchanan from a place called Llanview.
NORA: Yeah, I hear she's the cat's pajamas.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Hey, sweetlips, your kid got freaky when I talked to him about Sam and his new baby sister. He's all like "Helena put a ginormous curse on Sam". Better keep your eye on that one.
LIZ: Aw, Jakey has such an imagination! He could be the next Franco.
FRANCO: If your 9-year-old is freaking ME out, I'd think you'd be a little more concerned.
LIZ: Jakey just wants to be a regular kid who happens to have memories of life on a creepy island with a maniacal octogenarian. By the way, I haven't seen you mopping up any medical waste yet. Aren't you supposed to be the janitor?
FRANCO: Didn't get the gig. I was totally bummed until I got this swell job as a parking attendant.
CRIMSON
VALENTIN: Nina, you broke curfew. Consider yourself grounded. No phone for 2 weeks!
NINA: So you noticed? I thought you were busy bringing flowers to Anna Devane in the hospital.
VALENTIN: So I gave her a "Sorry You Passed Out After Breaking Into My House" bouquet, but that's as far as it went. But back to your transgression: Charlotte cried herself to sleep since you weren't there to tuck her in and tell her haute couture bedtime stories.
NINA: Awww, poor Charlotte!
VALENTIN: What about "Awwww, poor Valentin"? We need to be thick as thieves for our custody hearing. No Anna accusations in the courtroom, you hear?
NINA: Fine, then I'm not going!
VALENTIN: FINE!
ANNA'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DANTE: Do I have to handcuff you to this hospital bed, Anna?
ANNA: Controlling much? This is MY rare blood cancer, not yours. Seeing what Tracy had to deal with last year with those brain worms, I guess I got off rather easy.
GRIFFIN: Anna, why so vertical? You should be resting in this here bed.
ANNA: Crazy Olivia Jerome is on the lam! I need to pull up my big girl spy panties and lure her out of hiding.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
ROBIN: Do I have a "Kidnap Me" sign on my back? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!?!?
OLIVIA J: Oh, little Robin, this will be like old times! We're going on a little field trip down under.
ROBIN: What do you need in Australia?
OLIVIA J: Down under this hospital you silly goose you! We're going to the secret resurrection lab where my idol HELENA CASSADINE revived her beloved son Stavros!
ROBIN: Seriously??? Her again????
OLIVIA J: Helena and I go WAY back. In our previous lives, I was a flighty, two-timing chick from DC who was cheating on her disabled son with a rich playboy. She was much nicer then even if she sometimes didn't like me that much.*
METROCOURT
LAURA: Thanks, Diane, for repping my daughter. I'm fully aware she has a 7-year-old with a restraining order against her, but she's really a nice lady.
DIANE: It's no problem, Laura. When Sonny asks me to jump, the first thing I do is ask how high.
VALENTIN: Hello Ms. Buchanan. I really appreciate you hopping soap towns to represent me and Nina.
NORA: It's no problem, Mr. Cassadine. It's not like anything was going on in Llanview these days. It's been a sad ghost town since 2012. There was a brief attempt at a new-age revival, but it wasn't to be. By the way, where is this Nina?
VALENTIN: She bailed.
LULU: (to herself) YYYYYESSSSSS!
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Do you get a weird feeling that there's a dude in the trunk of this car all gagged and freezing his ass off?
LIZ: Could be. Let's check.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
OLIVIA J: Go toward the light! The glowing green light! Helena calling!
ROBIN: Oh brother.
OLIVIA J: See these fancy schmancy machines, Robin? They defrosted Stavros like a microwave warms up a Lean Cuisine. Can you help me defrost Duke?
ROBIN: Let me explain how cryogenics works. You need a not-quite-dead body. Duke has been reabsorbed into the Scottish soil.
OLIVIA J: But...but...I have a secret vial with a lock of his hair. Surely you can re-construct him from his DNA.
ROBIN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No. And don't call me Shirley. (knocks over Olivia's vial)
OLIVIA J: YOU BROKE HIM!!!!! YOU BROKE MY DUKEY!!!!! BAD, BAD GIRL!!!
ROBIN: This is what I get for coming back to the Chuckles...
CRIMSON:
NINA: (over phone with Charlotte) I miss you, Charlotte. I'm so sorry I had to do some adulting last night and work late. Total bummer. Yeah, I'll totes sing your song about stars.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Look, I found a Julian! Did I call it or what?
LIZ: Yeah, I think he might need some medical attention.
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
GRIFFIN: He's gonna live...unfortunately.
ANNA: I swear he's like a Cassadine. He NEVER DIES!
ELEVATOR
OLIVIA J: Remember me?
GRIFFIN: How could I forget those Crazy Eyes?
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
ANNA: Who did this to you, Julian? Was it Olivia?
JULIAN: I'm feeling sleepy.
ANNA: DAMMIT, JULIAN, ANSWER ME!!!!
* Back in the 80s, Tonja Walker (Olivia) and Constance Towers (Helena) both starred on Capitol and Tonja's character Lizbeth was dating Connie's character Clarissa's son Thomas while fooling around with Jordy Clegg on the side.
