Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Taking Some Time Off
I know I've been cutting some corners lately on this blog and now I'm telling you I'm taking some time away from blogging. The show is dragging and besides repeated jokes about brain worms, Carrrrrrrrlos and service lizards, there's just not a lot to work with lately. I'm having a minor (nothing to worry about!) medical procedure tomorrow so now's as good a time as any to put the hilarity on hold. I'm not sure yet when I'll be back and when I do come back it may not be for every episode. Thank you to those who follow and read this blog. Your loyalty is greatly appreciated.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Haychel Goes Rogue (and So Does Sonny!)
Haychel has good news and bad news for the back-to-her-old-snarky-self Tracy, still recovering from brain surgery. She also has hubby Nikolas over a barrel. Paul breaks free of his captivity in time to thwart Anna's capture of Carlos. Jason has a plan to put Nikolas in his place. Nathan tries to shut down Maxie's questions about Claudette.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Gimme my phone. I need to yell at a certain bitch who owes me my family's company.
NED: Hello, mother? You just had an extremely complicated radical wormectomy. Are you sure you should be putting the health of your cerebrum at risk? Besides, what happened to the kinder, gentler Tracy who just declared her love to Monica?
TRACY: Ever heard of anesthesia, Ned? Whatever I said to Monica never happened because I was still under the sauce.
NED: You need your rest, mother.
TRACY: I just woke up from a friggin NAP, Ned. If you aren't going to fork over the phone, at least text Haychel that she needs to haul ass to this room with ELQ in her hands or the world will know just where Rachel Berlin is hiding out.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Here's the deal, dear hubby: You sign ELQ over to moi or you get sent to the hoosegow.
NIKOLAS: What happened to our oh-so-romantic loveless marriage cease-fire?
HAYCHEL: Sleeping with knives is too Cassadine even for me. Sign or haul ass to prison.
NIKOLAS: Like HELL I'm signing my fortune over to Raymond BerMadoff's daughter.
HAYCHEL: Poor little Spencer, raised by his self-righteous granny and having to talk to his daddy on the prison phone. Gotta go! There's a certain so-called associate fresh out of brain surgery who I need to troll.
MAXIE'S BEDROOM
MAXIE: Sex with you is amazing. Why that tramp Claudette would cheat on a hot cop like you...I just don't get it. Are you still feeling the emotional scars from her screwing you over?
NATHAN: You sure know how to kill a mood, Maxie.
SONNY'S PLANE
ANNA: Full disclosure: I shot Carrrrrrrrrrrlos in the chest four times. Too bad he was wearing a bulletproof vest.
SONNY: You tried, Anna. No one can fault you for lack of effort.
ANNA: I could go to prison for this if we catch Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos and have him rat out Julian, but it will be SOOOOO worth it to avenge Duke's death.
SONNY: Isn't there a little thing called justifiable homicide?
ANNA'S HOUSE
PAUL: DERM IT ERNA! (takes duct tape off his mouth) How nice of you to leave me one hand free. Note the sarcasm dripping in my voice. If this was some sort of sex game, it would help if you actually showed up. If you're trying to stop me from stopping you from going after Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, you know better than to leave me with a free hand to reach for your mail and find a paper clip to unlock my cuff. There's a price to pay for messing with Paul Hornsby.
JASON'S APARTMENT
JASON: I have unfinished business with your cousin Nikky.
SAM: What, you're going to go over there and finish the job? Think of Danny, Jason. You can even think of Jake too.
JASON: I'm not going to snap his royal assholish neck, if that's what you're worried about. There are better ways to deal with pompous princes whose grandmothers implant mind control chips in my brain.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Tracy, did the good doctors remove all the worms from your brain. By the way, EEEEEEEEWWWW!
TRACY: Shut up, Haychel, and show me ELQ.
HAYCHEL: I have a better idea. Inside this box you will find two most important pieces of my husband's male anatomy.
TRACY: I sure hope you're speaking figuratively, because now it's my turn to say EEEEEEWWWW!
HAYCHEL: Nikolas is signing over ELQ as we speak.
TRACY: Hallelujah!
HAYCHEL: Don't get too excited, worm lady. ELQ is mine and I'm not just giving it away.
TRACY: Have you forgotten the terms of our arrangement, HAYCHEL BARNLIN?
HAYCHEL: It's too late, Tracy. The cat's out of the bag, so to speak. I have nothing to lose and you just got Berlin'd.
SONNY'S PLANE
AUTHORITIES: Anna Devane, consider yourself screwed. A certain wronged party at your Port Chuckles residence has informed me of your lawless shenanigans at his expense and we have a warrant out for your arrest.
ANNA: Stupid F$#%^&ING PAUL HORNSBY! (to self) I should have chloroformed him THRICE)
SONNY: Sorry, Anna, but I gotta go. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos must be found and I have a Costco butterly net to put to use.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Mother, I'm completely and utterly screwed! Haychel knows I tried to have her plugged and I either sign my fortune over to her or suit up in those plebeian prison blues.
LAURA: If Haychel turns you in, she might as well turn Elizabeth and I too. Honey, we're all screwed.
NIKOLAS: I'm such a bad son. Such a bad, bad son. I'm sorry, mother.
LAURA: On the upside, you did save Lulu when she was a dark-haired toddler, so it all evens out in the end.
QUITO, ECUADOR
SONNY: Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, I'm comin' for ya and I've got a net. It's really too bad my new pal Anna couldn't come along and plug you another four times in the chest after recording your admission that Julian was behind the hit on Duke.
CARRRRRRRRRLOS: Not if I plug you fiiiiiiiirst!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Gimme my phone. I need to yell at a certain bitch who owes me my family's company.
NED: Hello, mother? You just had an extremely complicated radical wormectomy. Are you sure you should be putting the health of your cerebrum at risk? Besides, what happened to the kinder, gentler Tracy who just declared her love to Monica?
TRACY: Ever heard of anesthesia, Ned? Whatever I said to Monica never happened because I was still under the sauce.
NED: You need your rest, mother.
TRACY: I just woke up from a friggin NAP, Ned. If you aren't going to fork over the phone, at least text Haychel that she needs to haul ass to this room with ELQ in her hands or the world will know just where Rachel Berlin is hiding out.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Here's the deal, dear hubby: You sign ELQ over to moi or you get sent to the hoosegow.
NIKOLAS: What happened to our oh-so-romantic loveless marriage cease-fire?
HAYCHEL: Sleeping with knives is too Cassadine even for me. Sign or haul ass to prison.
NIKOLAS: Like HELL I'm signing my fortune over to Raymond BerMadoff's daughter.
HAYCHEL: Poor little Spencer, raised by his self-righteous granny and having to talk to his daddy on the prison phone. Gotta go! There's a certain so-called associate fresh out of brain surgery who I need to troll.
MAXIE'S BEDROOM
MAXIE: Sex with you is amazing. Why that tramp Claudette would cheat on a hot cop like you...I just don't get it. Are you still feeling the emotional scars from her screwing you over?
NATHAN: You sure know how to kill a mood, Maxie.
SONNY'S PLANE
ANNA: Full disclosure: I shot Carrrrrrrrrrrlos in the chest four times. Too bad he was wearing a bulletproof vest.
SONNY: You tried, Anna. No one can fault you for lack of effort.
ANNA: I could go to prison for this if we catch Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos and have him rat out Julian, but it will be SOOOOO worth it to avenge Duke's death.
SONNY: Isn't there a little thing called justifiable homicide?
ANNA'S HOUSE
PAUL: DERM IT ERNA! (takes duct tape off his mouth) How nice of you to leave me one hand free. Note the sarcasm dripping in my voice. If this was some sort of sex game, it would help if you actually showed up. If you're trying to stop me from stopping you from going after Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, you know better than to leave me with a free hand to reach for your mail and find a paper clip to unlock my cuff. There's a price to pay for messing with Paul Hornsby.
JASON'S APARTMENT
JASON: I have unfinished business with your cousin Nikky.
SAM: What, you're going to go over there and finish the job? Think of Danny, Jason. You can even think of Jake too.
JASON: I'm not going to snap his royal assholish neck, if that's what you're worried about. There are better ways to deal with pompous princes whose grandmothers implant mind control chips in my brain.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Tracy, did the good doctors remove all the worms from your brain. By the way, EEEEEEEEWWWW!
TRACY: Shut up, Haychel, and show me ELQ.
HAYCHEL: I have a better idea. Inside this box you will find two most important pieces of my husband's male anatomy.
TRACY: I sure hope you're speaking figuratively, because now it's my turn to say EEEEEEWWWW!
HAYCHEL: Nikolas is signing over ELQ as we speak.
TRACY: Hallelujah!
HAYCHEL: Don't get too excited, worm lady. ELQ is mine and I'm not just giving it away.
TRACY: Have you forgotten the terms of our arrangement, HAYCHEL BARNLIN?
HAYCHEL: It's too late, Tracy. The cat's out of the bag, so to speak. I have nothing to lose and you just got Berlin'd.
SONNY'S PLANE
AUTHORITIES: Anna Devane, consider yourself screwed. A certain wronged party at your Port Chuckles residence has informed me of your lawless shenanigans at his expense and we have a warrant out for your arrest.
ANNA: Stupid F$#%^&ING PAUL HORNSBY! (to self) I should have chloroformed him THRICE)
SONNY: Sorry, Anna, but I gotta go. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos must be found and I have a Costco butterly net to put to use.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Mother, I'm completely and utterly screwed! Haychel knows I tried to have her plugged and I either sign my fortune over to her or suit up in those plebeian prison blues.
LAURA: If Haychel turns you in, she might as well turn Elizabeth and I too. Honey, we're all screwed.
NIKOLAS: I'm such a bad son. Such a bad, bad son. I'm sorry, mother.
LAURA: On the upside, you did save Lulu when she was a dark-haired toddler, so it all evens out in the end.
QUITO, ECUADOR
SONNY: Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, I'm comin' for ya and I've got a net. It's really too bad my new pal Anna couldn't come along and plug you another four times in the chest after recording your admission that Julian was behind the hit on Duke.
CARRRRRRRRRLOS: Not if I plug you fiiiiiiiirst!
Friday, April 8, 2016
A Kinder, Gentler Tracy
Tracy is all smiles when she wakes up from brain surgery. Is it the anesthesia or is it the lack of brain worms? Jason is not successful in preventing Sonny from chasing Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. Andre suspects something is off with Anna. Dr. Finn behaves strangely after assisting Griffin in de-worming Tracy's brain. Nina gets some bad news about her fertility from Dr. Lee and rejects Franco's attempts to comfort her.
HOSPITAL
DILLON: How did Mom's surgery go? Did you get all the worms out of her brain?
GRIFFIN: The good news: The surgery was a success and your mother's brain has been de-wormed. The bad news: She hasn't come out from under the sauce yet.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: If you don't wake up in 5 seconds, Tracy, I'm going to sic my service lizard on you!
TRACY: (COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA)
DR. FINN: Come on, Tracy! Wake the hell up and snark at me already!
TRACY: (COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA)
DR. FINN: This is the thanks I get from helping Dr. Munro de-worm your brain. Wake the hell up or I'll start singin'!
NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Rock me, Franco, like a wagon wheel! Rock me Franco anyway you feel. Heeeeey, Franco rock me!
FRANCO: Sure, why not? Can I rock you like the wind and rain or a southbound train?
NINA & FRANCO: (SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX)
CASA CORINTHOS
MICHAEL: You going Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos hunting? I wanna come with.
SONNY: Sure. If Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos doesn't shoot me, your mother will. No, you stay and look after the womenfolk and the kiddies. Go visit your brother in the House of Psychiatric Healing, password-protect the door to Avery's room, eat corn dogs with Josslyn, and find out what Kristina's not telling me.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANDRE: Just thought I'd stop by for a friendly chat with a former-slash-current patient. How've your moods been, Anna? Where is your state of mind vis a vis Carrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrrriverrrrrrra?
ANNA: This is a really bad time. I've got a private jet to catch.
ANDRE: I'll only be few minutes. Can I come in? I've gotta pee like you won't believe!
ANNA: You really don't want to go in there. Emma's got the service lizard pox and it's highly contagious.
JASON'S APARTMENT
CARLY: Come on, Jason! You're the Sonny Whisperer! If anyone can tell him to stay in The Chuckles it's you.
JASON: Seeing that the alternative is for Sam and I to continue the marathon convo about the state of our relationship, this will be a change of pace.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: How's Ms. Quartermaine, Dr. Finn? Is she out from under the sauce?
DR. FINN: She's awake and she's freakishly NICE.
DILLON: PHEW!!! Wait, she's NICE? What else did you do to her brain besides get all the worms out?
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Monica, have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? You fill my heart with gladness. Take away all my sadness. You ease my troubles, Monica, that's what you do.
MONICA: Um...well, thank you, Tracy. Someone must have changed the playlist in your brain because the way I remember it, the line went, "You CAUSE my troubles, that's what you do."
DILLON: Congrats on being de-wormed, Mom!
TRACY: Aren't you the sweetest thing I've ever seen? Where's that darling Dr. Finn? I should like to send him some flowers.
MICHAEL: Hi Aunt Tracy. Sorry I've been too distracted with my ex and her kid and my bipolar brother to help you get back ELQ.
TRACY: You mustn't worry so, child! ELQ will sort itself out.
CASA CORINTHOS
JASON: Carly told me to stop you from chasing Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos and getting yourself killed.
SONNY: It's something I gotta do, Jason. This Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos business is eating a hole in my soul, man. I need to bring him to justice or I won't be able to look myself in the mirror and call myself Sonny Corinthos. Great to see you, though. You were the best goon I ever had, you know that? You saved my life even when you didn't remember BEING my best goon.
JASON: I did what any good amnesiac former Corinthos goon would do.
JASON'S APARTMENT
CARLY: I hope Jason can talk some sense into Sonny and he'll drop this Carrrrrrrrrrrlos thing and let Anna handle it. I can't lose Sonny, Sam.
SAM: I feel ya, Carly. I can't lose Jason either, even if his danger lovin' side kinda lights my fire. I tell you, he tried to kill my cousin right in front of me and we had THE BEST SEX!
CARLY: You are good people, Sam, because you don't try to domesticate Jason. You let Jason be Jason.
SAM: Jason's still trying to figure out who Jason is, or whether or not he's the same Jason he used to be.
HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM
DR. FINN: Need. Drugs. Now.
GRIFFIN: Nice going, doc! Wanna grab a beer?
DR. FINN: We are SO not in a bromance, kid.
GRIFFIN: But you me and God, we rocked that wormectomy, didn't we?
DR. FINN: God doesn't have a medical degree, pretty boy.
GRIFFIN: Ooooookay, I get that not everyone believes God is their co-pilot, but if you ever need some good old atheist chit-chat, I'm good for that too.
NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Let's have some more sex so I can get knocked up.
FRANCO: Are we having memory problems here? I thought I told you about 5,000 times that I didn't want any little mini-mes populating the universe.
NINA: I TOTALLY thought you were kidding! Come on, let's have a BAY-BEE!
NINA: Dr. Lee told me I can't have a BAY-BEE!
FRANCO: (to himself) Now THAT'S how you spell relief. Sorry Rolaids. (to Nina) I'm so sorry Neens. I know you really wanted to propagate our wackadoo DNA. Do you want some comfort sex?
NINA: GO TO HELL, FRANCO-NINA BABY HATER!
HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM
DR. FINN: Do your job, service syringe! Pump some of that amazing straw-color Chardonnay with notes of crisp apples softened by coconut and vanilla in a creamy finish into me!
SONNY'S PRIVATE JET
ANNA: Sorry I'm late. Had a D.A. to chloroform. TWICE.
SONNY: Let's get this done, Anna. I brought a REALLY BIG NET I found at the Port Chuckles Costco. I think Carrrrrrrrrrrlos should fit into it just fine.
HOSPITAL
DILLON: How did Mom's surgery go? Did you get all the worms out of her brain?
GRIFFIN: The good news: The surgery was a success and your mother's brain has been de-wormed. The bad news: She hasn't come out from under the sauce yet.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: If you don't wake up in 5 seconds, Tracy, I'm going to sic my service lizard on you!
TRACY: (COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA)
DR. FINN: Come on, Tracy! Wake the hell up and snark at me already!
TRACY: (COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA)
DR. FINN: This is the thanks I get from helping Dr. Munro de-worm your brain. Wake the hell up or I'll start singin'!
NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Rock me, Franco, like a wagon wheel! Rock me Franco anyway you feel. Heeeeey, Franco rock me!
FRANCO: Sure, why not? Can I rock you like the wind and rain or a southbound train?
NINA & FRANCO: (SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX)
CASA CORINTHOS
MICHAEL: You going Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos hunting? I wanna come with.
SONNY: Sure. If Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos doesn't shoot me, your mother will. No, you stay and look after the womenfolk and the kiddies. Go visit your brother in the House of Psychiatric Healing, password-protect the door to Avery's room, eat corn dogs with Josslyn, and find out what Kristina's not telling me.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANDRE: Just thought I'd stop by for a friendly chat with a former-slash-current patient. How've your moods been, Anna? Where is your state of mind vis a vis Carrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrrriverrrrrrra?
ANNA: This is a really bad time. I've got a private jet to catch.
ANDRE: I'll only be few minutes. Can I come in? I've gotta pee like you won't believe!
ANNA: You really don't want to go in there. Emma's got the service lizard pox and it's highly contagious.
JASON'S APARTMENT
CARLY: Come on, Jason! You're the Sonny Whisperer! If anyone can tell him to stay in The Chuckles it's you.
JASON: Seeing that the alternative is for Sam and I to continue the marathon convo about the state of our relationship, this will be a change of pace.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: How's Ms. Quartermaine, Dr. Finn? Is she out from under the sauce?
DR. FINN: She's awake and she's freakishly NICE.
DILLON: PHEW!!! Wait, she's NICE? What else did you do to her brain besides get all the worms out?
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Monica, have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? You fill my heart with gladness. Take away all my sadness. You ease my troubles, Monica, that's what you do.
MONICA: Um...well, thank you, Tracy. Someone must have changed the playlist in your brain because the way I remember it, the line went, "You CAUSE my troubles, that's what you do."
DILLON: Congrats on being de-wormed, Mom!
TRACY: Aren't you the sweetest thing I've ever seen? Where's that darling Dr. Finn? I should like to send him some flowers.
MICHAEL: Hi Aunt Tracy. Sorry I've been too distracted with my ex and her kid and my bipolar brother to help you get back ELQ.
TRACY: You mustn't worry so, child! ELQ will sort itself out.
CASA CORINTHOS
JASON: Carly told me to stop you from chasing Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos and getting yourself killed.
SONNY: It's something I gotta do, Jason. This Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos business is eating a hole in my soul, man. I need to bring him to justice or I won't be able to look myself in the mirror and call myself Sonny Corinthos. Great to see you, though. You were the best goon I ever had, you know that? You saved my life even when you didn't remember BEING my best goon.
JASON: I did what any good amnesiac former Corinthos goon would do.
JASON'S APARTMENT
CARLY: I hope Jason can talk some sense into Sonny and he'll drop this Carrrrrrrrrrrlos thing and let Anna handle it. I can't lose Sonny, Sam.
SAM: I feel ya, Carly. I can't lose Jason either, even if his danger lovin' side kinda lights my fire. I tell you, he tried to kill my cousin right in front of me and we had THE BEST SEX!
CARLY: You are good people, Sam, because you don't try to domesticate Jason. You let Jason be Jason.
SAM: Jason's still trying to figure out who Jason is, or whether or not he's the same Jason he used to be.
HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM
DR. FINN: Need. Drugs. Now.
GRIFFIN: Nice going, doc! Wanna grab a beer?
DR. FINN: We are SO not in a bromance, kid.
GRIFFIN: But you me and God, we rocked that wormectomy, didn't we?
DR. FINN: God doesn't have a medical degree, pretty boy.
GRIFFIN: Ooooookay, I get that not everyone believes God is their co-pilot, but if you ever need some good old atheist chit-chat, I'm good for that too.
NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Let's have some more sex so I can get knocked up.
FRANCO: Are we having memory problems here? I thought I told you about 5,000 times that I didn't want any little mini-mes populating the universe.
NINA: I TOTALLY thought you were kidding! Come on, let's have a BAY-BEE!
NINA: Dr. Lee told me I can't have a BAY-BEE!
FRANCO: (to himself) Now THAT'S how you spell relief. Sorry Rolaids. (to Nina) I'm so sorry Neens. I know you really wanted to propagate our wackadoo DNA. Do you want some comfort sex?
NINA: GO TO HELL, FRANCO-NINA BABY HATER!
HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM
DR. FINN: Do your job, service syringe! Pump some of that amazing straw-color Chardonnay with notes of crisp apples softened by coconut and vanilla in a creamy finish into me!
SONNY'S PRIVATE JET
ANNA: Sorry I'm late. Had a D.A. to chloroform. TWICE.
SONNY: Let's get this done, Anna. I brought a REALLY BIG NET I found at the Port Chuckles Costco. I think Carrrrrrrrrrrlos should fit into it just fine.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Filler Day
Today was another snoozefest/filler day. Jason and Sam spent most of the show in bed talking about their relationship. Kristina and Alexis talked about their (daughter and mother) relationship. Anna and Sonny went on and on with each other and with Paul and Carly about why they had to find Carrrrrrrrrlos and bring him to justice. Julian talked to his head goon again about not messing with Ava.
SAM: We had sex. Yay! Where is our relationship going.
JASON: Well, I guess we're still divorced. Or are we friends with benefits now?
KRISTINA: Mom, can you, like, not have expectations of me?
ALEXIS: Kristina, let's be confused about your sexuality together.
ANNA: Sonny, I don't trust you to not kill Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos the second you lay eyes on him.
SONNY: Why would I do that? I need Julian sent to the big house so he stays out of Kristina's bizness.
PAUL: Please don't go looking for Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Anna! I don't wanna go to jaaaaaaaaaail!
CARLY: Don't do this Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos thing, Sonny! I don't want you to diiiiiiiiiiiie!
AVA: Someone put a dead bird in my bed.
JULIAN: I MUST go back into the business and keep my li'l sis safe from Jerome goons! Sorry, Alexis.
SCOTTY: Are you firing your service hedgehog, Ava?
SAM: We had sex. Yay! Where is our relationship going.
JASON: Well, I guess we're still divorced. Or are we friends with benefits now?
KRISTINA: Mom, can you, like, not have expectations of me?
ALEXIS: Kristina, let's be confused about your sexuality together.
ANNA: Sonny, I don't trust you to not kill Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos the second you lay eyes on him.
SONNY: Why would I do that? I need Julian sent to the big house so he stays out of Kristina's bizness.
PAUL: Please don't go looking for Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Anna! I don't wanna go to jaaaaaaaaaail!
CARLY: Don't do this Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos thing, Sonny! I don't want you to diiiiiiiiiiiie!
AVA: Someone put a dead bird in my bed.
JULIAN: I MUST go back into the business and keep my li'l sis safe from Jerome goons! Sorry, Alexis.
SCOTTY: Are you firing your service hedgehog, Ava?
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Fisticuffs
It's been a fightin' week on GH, from Nina's magazine-throwing tirade at Julian on Monday to Sonny and Dante sparring in the ring yesterday to the show of fisticuffs that goes down at Wyndemere today. After discovering that Nikolas had Haychel shot, Sam confronts Nikolas at his castle of residence and brings Jason along. Nikolas, already on edge due to the presence of Curtis, feels the noose tighten around his neck when his cousin threatens to squeal to the cops.
Elsewhere in The Chuckles (and outside of it), Kristina tells Molly about their mom's reaction to her possible gayness. Julian warns Ava about Sonny. Carly doesn't want Sonny anywhere near Carrrrrrrrrrlos. Alexis confronts Parker about Kristina.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: No, Haychel, your friend cannot sleep over.
CURTIS: Hey Princey-Prince, we've got the goods on your attempt on your wife Haychel's life.
NIKOLAS: Oh really, tough guy? Do you expect me to be impressed with your Photoshop skills? This loveless marriage based on distrust and lies is between me and Haychel.
HAYCHEL: Curtis stays or you're future is in jumpsuits.
JASON'S NEW APARTMENT
SAM: OMG, Nikolas tried to have Haychel MURDERED! Not that I like that poor man's Sam McCall, but I didn't want her DEAD.
JASON: The dude's a Cassadine. Isn't it par for the course?
SAM: But...but he was the GOOD Cassadine!
JASON: Yeah, I don't think that applies anymore.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: So I told Mom about Parker and that I have a gay side that is anywhere from 10 to 100% of me and she's like "No you DON'T! You're just CONFUSED!"
MOLLY: Well, Krissy, are you or are you not confused about your sexuality?
KRISTINA: I am, but Mom was totally in denial that any percent of me could be gay. I'm like, "Jeez Mom, why don't you go out and vote Republican while you're at it".
MOLLY: That was shockingly unenlightened of Mom. I'm going to have to sit her down and take her temperature.
WESLEYAN
ALEXIS: Remember me? I'm the mother of the impressionable young student you manipulated into questioning her sexuality.
PARKER: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??? I did no such thing! She was ALREADY questioning her sexuality.
ALEXIS: But she's never BEEN a lesbian before. She didn't just become one overnight. She was married to a MAN. Granted it lasted 5 minutes and he died and she was a rather different person then, but she gave me NO indication that she bats for the other team.
PARKER: Who knows? Maybe she's a switch hitter? The point is, she's confused and she needs her mama.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
CARLY: Sonny, why don't you just forget about this whole Carrrrrrrrrlos thing and save yourself the trouble of getting shot and stressing me the hell out.
SONNY: Carrrrrrrrrlos needs to be brought to justice and I'm gonna be the one to bring him there. I got the law on my side this time, Carly. Once I find that sonofabitch, I'm gonna hand him over to Anna and the feds and he's gonna turn Julian's ass in for putting the hit out on Duke. Do you need a refresher course on how the mob works?
CARLY: But can't you be a less dangerous mob or something?
SONNY: I'll be a "less dangerous mob" when pigs fly.
WYNDEMERE
SAM: BAD Nikolas! BAD, BAD, BAD!!! I should have known there was no such thing as a "good Cassadine." I'm calling the cops.
NIKOLAS: Hello? Since when have you even LIKED Haychel?
SAM: SO not the point, murderous cousin! You're going DOWN for this! (starts dialing her phone)
NIKOLAS: Gimme that phone!
SAM: What are you going to do if I don't? Hire a goon to plug ME with lead too? Have you turned into your GRANDMOTHER?
JASON: DEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS, NIKKY BOY! POW!
CURTIS: What's this dude's problem? (lunges for Jason)
JASON: THWACK!
NIKOLAS: SMACK!
JASON: (grabs Nikolas and tries to break his neck)
HAYCHEL: OMG, Jason is going to KILL Nikolas!
SAM: DOWN, Jason! DOWN! Does anyone have a stun gun? My ex-hubby's about to kill my murderous cousin!
JASON: GRRRRRRRRRRR!
SAM: LET HIM GO!
JASON: FINE, DAMMIT! I was 2 seconds away from snapping his pompous royal neck!
SAM: Jason, let me refresh your memory on what happens to people who kill other people: They go to prison. Remember that place we were the other day? You don't want to end up there.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
AVA: It was YOU! What kind of sicko are you, threatening me with black roses while I was siting vigil by my comatose daughter's bedside?
SONNY: Don't flatter yourself, Ava. I didn't send you flowers.
AVA: You know Kiki's getting sprung from that hospital soon, don't you? That means Avery's coming to live with ME, Kiki, and my service hedgehog.
JASON'S NEW APARTMENT
SAM: You almost killed my cousin. Let's have sex.
JASON: Okay, ex-wife. If that's what does it for ya...
AVA'S BEDROOM
AVA: AAGGGGHHHHH!!!! When did I get a cat? Do service hedgehogs drag in dead birds too?
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: (takes dagger out of drawer and places it on nightstand) Good night, Haychel. I would recommend sleeping with one eye open.
HAYCHEL: (takes knife off of nightstand and holds it in her hand) I've got a better idea.
HELENA PAINTING: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Sleeping with knives now, are we? How very diabolically Cassadine!
Elsewhere in The Chuckles (and outside of it), Kristina tells Molly about their mom's reaction to her possible gayness. Julian warns Ava about Sonny. Carly doesn't want Sonny anywhere near Carrrrrrrrrrlos. Alexis confronts Parker about Kristina.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: No, Haychel, your friend cannot sleep over.
CURTIS: Hey Princey-Prince, we've got the goods on your attempt on your wife Haychel's life.
NIKOLAS: Oh really, tough guy? Do you expect me to be impressed with your Photoshop skills? This loveless marriage based on distrust and lies is between me and Haychel.
HAYCHEL: Curtis stays or you're future is in jumpsuits.
JASON'S NEW APARTMENT
SAM: OMG, Nikolas tried to have Haychel MURDERED! Not that I like that poor man's Sam McCall, but I didn't want her DEAD.
JASON: The dude's a Cassadine. Isn't it par for the course?
SAM: But...but he was the GOOD Cassadine!
JASON: Yeah, I don't think that applies anymore.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: So I told Mom about Parker and that I have a gay side that is anywhere from 10 to 100% of me and she's like "No you DON'T! You're just CONFUSED!"
MOLLY: Well, Krissy, are you or are you not confused about your sexuality?
KRISTINA: I am, but Mom was totally in denial that any percent of me could be gay. I'm like, "Jeez Mom, why don't you go out and vote Republican while you're at it".
MOLLY: That was shockingly unenlightened of Mom. I'm going to have to sit her down and take her temperature.
WESLEYAN
ALEXIS: Remember me? I'm the mother of the impressionable young student you manipulated into questioning her sexuality.
PARKER: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??? I did no such thing! She was ALREADY questioning her sexuality.
ALEXIS: But she's never BEEN a lesbian before. She didn't just become one overnight. She was married to a MAN. Granted it lasted 5 minutes and he died and she was a rather different person then, but she gave me NO indication that she bats for the other team.
PARKER: Who knows? Maybe she's a switch hitter? The point is, she's confused and she needs her mama.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
CARLY: Sonny, why don't you just forget about this whole Carrrrrrrrrlos thing and save yourself the trouble of getting shot and stressing me the hell out.
SONNY: Carrrrrrrrrlos needs to be brought to justice and I'm gonna be the one to bring him there. I got the law on my side this time, Carly. Once I find that sonofabitch, I'm gonna hand him over to Anna and the feds and he's gonna turn Julian's ass in for putting the hit out on Duke. Do you need a refresher course on how the mob works?
CARLY: But can't you be a less dangerous mob or something?
SONNY: I'll be a "less dangerous mob" when pigs fly.
WYNDEMERE
SAM: BAD Nikolas! BAD, BAD, BAD!!! I should have known there was no such thing as a "good Cassadine." I'm calling the cops.
NIKOLAS: Hello? Since when have you even LIKED Haychel?
SAM: SO not the point, murderous cousin! You're going DOWN for this! (starts dialing her phone)
NIKOLAS: Gimme that phone!
SAM: What are you going to do if I don't? Hire a goon to plug ME with lead too? Have you turned into your GRANDMOTHER?
JASON: DEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS, NIKKY BOY! POW!
CURTIS: What's this dude's problem? (lunges for Jason)
JASON: THWACK!
NIKOLAS: SMACK!
JASON: (grabs Nikolas and tries to break his neck)
HAYCHEL: OMG, Jason is going to KILL Nikolas!
SAM: DOWN, Jason! DOWN! Does anyone have a stun gun? My ex-hubby's about to kill my murderous cousin!
JASON: GRRRRRRRRRRR!
SAM: LET HIM GO!
JASON: FINE, DAMMIT! I was 2 seconds away from snapping his pompous royal neck!
SAM: Jason, let me refresh your memory on what happens to people who kill other people: They go to prison. Remember that place we were the other day? You don't want to end up there.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
AVA: It was YOU! What kind of sicko are you, threatening me with black roses while I was siting vigil by my comatose daughter's bedside?
SONNY: Don't flatter yourself, Ava. I didn't send you flowers.
AVA: You know Kiki's getting sprung from that hospital soon, don't you? That means Avery's coming to live with ME, Kiki, and my service hedgehog.
JASON'S NEW APARTMENT
SAM: You almost killed my cousin. Let's have sex.
JASON: Okay, ex-wife. If that's what does it for ya...
AVA'S BEDROOM
AVA: AAGGGGHHHHH!!!! When did I get a cat? Do service hedgehogs drag in dead birds too?
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: (takes dagger out of drawer and places it on nightstand) Good night, Haychel. I would recommend sleeping with one eye open.
HAYCHEL: (takes knife off of nightstand and holds it in her hand) I've got a better idea.
HELENA PAINTING: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Sleeping with knives now, are we? How very diabolically Cassadine!
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Cowboys and Neurosurgeons
Emma and Griffin play the Port Chuckles (and more politically correct) version of Cowboys and Indians. Sonny and Anna need more intel from Paul's phone on the whereabouts of Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos. Sam, with Jason "along for the ride" have some questions for Nikolas about Haychel's shooting. Tracy needs brain surgery and has to choose between Hot Doc and Doc Martin House. Dante pumps Michael for info about Sonny's plan of attack against Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. Curtis grills Haychel on her love of the green stuff.
ANNA'S HOUSE
GRIFFIN: Ugh! Oh! The pain! The humiliation! The inconvenience! Doc, I need your help! I've got hat hair and I think it's fatal!
EMMA: You're gonna have to take off our hat, cowboy, so I can examine your hat hair.
GRIFFIN: (takes off hat) Have you SEEN anything like this before, doc?
EMMA: It's pretty bad. You need a shot. If that doesn't work, we'll have to operate.
ANNA: What has my granddaughter gotten you into?
GRIFFIN: Diagnosis: Hat Hair. This shot better work or I'm going under the knife. Cowboys and Neurosurgeons doesn't mess around.
SONNY: What did I just walk in on?
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: So do you want me to help you boot Haychel from Wyndemere? I'll throw all her stuff in the moat and she'll have to swim after it! Come on, Nikolas! It'll be fun!
NIKOLAS: As tempting as that sounds, Liz, I'm going to stick with pretending to play happy families with her and Spencer.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????
GYM
DANTE: So, Michael, what's Dad got planned for Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos? Will he draw him and quarter him? Put him in front of a firing squad? Tar and feather him, then parade him around the streets of Port Chuckles?
MICHAEL: I know nothing. Ask Dad yourself.
DANTE: Come on, Michael! Don't keep me guessing. Is he returning to town with Carrrrrrrrrrrlos's head on a platter or what?
MICHAEL: I know nothing. Ask Dad. See ya.
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: The worms are having their way with your mother's brain, boys. Larval cysts are wreaking havoc up there and she needs surgery.
DILLON: Like a wormectomy or something?
DR. FINN: Pretty much. The anti-worm meds aren't containing the infestation like I had hoped, hence the seizure.
NED: Get Doc Martin House in here STAT so he can save Mom's life.
DILLON: What if she wants Dr. Munro?
DR. FINN: Here's a crazy idea: Ask your mother who she wants cutting into her brain.
PAUL: Who's cutting Tracy's brain? What's going on here?
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANNA: Carrrrrrrrrlos is a moving target. We need to keep bugging Paul's phone.
SONNY: Get the chip thingy from his phone and my techie goon Brick will get to work on it.
ANNA: Sounds like a plan. Emma, let's go on a little field trip, shall we?
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
SAM: Nikolas, we have reason to believe that Haychel was plotting and scheming to gift-wrap ELQ for Tracy Quartermaine.
NIKOLAS: What does your silent partner think? Any mind-blowing insights, Jason?
JASON: Don't mind me. I'm just tagging along with my ex-wife on her adventures. She even took me on a field trip to prison. Fun times.
SAM: Jason and I are the happiest couple ever to get a divorce. Speaking of divorce, you and Haychel should give it a try.
NIKOLAS: What if I don't want to? What if I'd be, I don't know, lonely without her? (to self) What if she's holding an attempted murder charge over my royal head?
SAM: So, let me get this straight: You'd rather be with a lying con artist bitch than alone? Think of the children, Nikolas. Or make that, think of the child.
NIKOLAS: Well, Spencer kinda likes that lying con artist bitch just like he liked Britt and just like he had a soft spot for his Machiavellian great grandmother.
WYNDEMERE
CURTIS: Damn this place is creepy! Remind me again why you still want to live here.
HAYCHEL: It's all about the Benjamins, Curtis. I have my standards.
CURTIS: Maybe I should start calling you Greens since you love the stuff so much.
HAYCHEL: Ha ha! After the whole debacle with Daddy, I was tapped out. I changed my name, went to some place called Beecher's Corners where some good-looking lawyer type wanted some good times with me. Or so I thought. Turns out he just wanted to hire me to be some poor amnesiac's fake wife so he could get with Busy Lizzie and he was offering a pretty penny for it. I was too strapped for funds to be insulted that he wasn't into me. The job was here in Port Chuckles and some prince came knocking on my hotel room, we had some Le Petit Mort, I found out he knew who Memory Man really was and when I was about to tell my fake hubby the truth, I get plugged by his goon. Real Cinderella story, isn't it?
CURTIS: Except that prince is fitting you for cement shoes.
HAYCHEL: That's where you come in...
HOSPITAL
ANNA: Fancy meeting you here, Paul. (gives her phone to Emma) Emma, go take some selfies with Felix, Epiphany, a few IV poles, have some fun.
EMMA: Okay, grandma. I'm all over this hospital selfie thing.
ANNA: Silly me! I just remembered that I have to call Robin and Patrick. I promised I'd call them at exactly 2:37. That was a half hour ago. Where's my phone?
PAUL: You gave it to Emma. Hospital selfies, remember? Here, use mine.
ANNA: Aren't you a sweet little crooked district attorney! Thanks, Paul. (fake calling Robin) Hi Robin. How's Morocco. What? I can't hear you. I'm in a dead zone. I'm going to move down the hall where the reception is better. (to self) and Paul can't see me take that chip out of his phone. (to Robin) How's Patrick? What time is it in Morocco? (to self) Got it! Look out Carrrrrrrrrlos!
OBRECHT: Ze patient has chosen Dr. Munro. It baffles ze mind zat she chose ze surgeon viss less experience razzer zan ze chief of neurosurgery.
GRIFFIN: So, Elizabeth, are you ready for the assist on the Quartermaine cerebral wormectomy?
LIZ: Ready as I'll ever be.
TRACY: Let's get this de-worming surgery show on the road. I never thought I'd ever utter such a sentence. I'll be back, everyone. Don't even think about renting my room out to long-lost Quartermaines, stray humans, or ANY of my ex-husbands because I WILL find out. Tracy Angelica Quartermaine DOES NOT die of brain worms!
NED: I still think we should have gone with Doc Martin House.
DILLON: Go commiserate with Dr. Obrecht, Ned. Mom made the right choice.
GYM
SONNY: Dante, son, who are you looking to sucker punch?
DANTE: I've got a list, but first thing's first, Dad, what are you going to (JAB JAB) do to Carrrrrrrrrrrlos?
SONNY: (JAB JAB) I'm going to (JAB JAB) bring him to justice.
DANTE: (JAB DUCK JAB) Care to (JAB) elaborate?
SONNY: Well (DUCK JAB JAB) first, I have to find him.
DANTE: (DUCK DUCK JAB DUCK JAB) Then what (JAB JAB)? Are you planning on turning him over (DUCK JAB DUCK) to the cops for a change?
SONNY: (JAB JAB) That's hilarious.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Guess who's coming to dinner?
NIKOLAS: What sort of game is this, Haychel? With you it's always something.
CURTIS: Since we're talking movies, meet The Bodyguard.
ANNA'S HOUSE
GRIFFIN: Ugh! Oh! The pain! The humiliation! The inconvenience! Doc, I need your help! I've got hat hair and I think it's fatal!
EMMA: You're gonna have to take off our hat, cowboy, so I can examine your hat hair.
GRIFFIN: (takes off hat) Have you SEEN anything like this before, doc?
EMMA: It's pretty bad. You need a shot. If that doesn't work, we'll have to operate.
ANNA: What has my granddaughter gotten you into?
GRIFFIN: Diagnosis: Hat Hair. This shot better work or I'm going under the knife. Cowboys and Neurosurgeons doesn't mess around.
SONNY: What did I just walk in on?
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: So do you want me to help you boot Haychel from Wyndemere? I'll throw all her stuff in the moat and she'll have to swim after it! Come on, Nikolas! It'll be fun!
NIKOLAS: As tempting as that sounds, Liz, I'm going to stick with pretending to play happy families with her and Spencer.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????
GYM
DANTE: So, Michael, what's Dad got planned for Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos? Will he draw him and quarter him? Put him in front of a firing squad? Tar and feather him, then parade him around the streets of Port Chuckles?
MICHAEL: I know nothing. Ask Dad yourself.
DANTE: Come on, Michael! Don't keep me guessing. Is he returning to town with Carrrrrrrrrrrlos's head on a platter or what?
MICHAEL: I know nothing. Ask Dad. See ya.
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: The worms are having their way with your mother's brain, boys. Larval cysts are wreaking havoc up there and she needs surgery.
DILLON: Like a wormectomy or something?
DR. FINN: Pretty much. The anti-worm meds aren't containing the infestation like I had hoped, hence the seizure.
NED: Get Doc Martin House in here STAT so he can save Mom's life.
DILLON: What if she wants Dr. Munro?
DR. FINN: Here's a crazy idea: Ask your mother who she wants cutting into her brain.
PAUL: Who's cutting Tracy's brain? What's going on here?
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANNA: Carrrrrrrrrlos is a moving target. We need to keep bugging Paul's phone.
SONNY: Get the chip thingy from his phone and my techie goon Brick will get to work on it.
ANNA: Sounds like a plan. Emma, let's go on a little field trip, shall we?
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
SAM: Nikolas, we have reason to believe that Haychel was plotting and scheming to gift-wrap ELQ for Tracy Quartermaine.
NIKOLAS: What does your silent partner think? Any mind-blowing insights, Jason?
JASON: Don't mind me. I'm just tagging along with my ex-wife on her adventures. She even took me on a field trip to prison. Fun times.
SAM: Jason and I are the happiest couple ever to get a divorce. Speaking of divorce, you and Haychel should give it a try.
NIKOLAS: What if I don't want to? What if I'd be, I don't know, lonely without her? (to self) What if she's holding an attempted murder charge over my royal head?
SAM: So, let me get this straight: You'd rather be with a lying con artist bitch than alone? Think of the children, Nikolas. Or make that, think of the child.
NIKOLAS: Well, Spencer kinda likes that lying con artist bitch just like he liked Britt and just like he had a soft spot for his Machiavellian great grandmother.
WYNDEMERE
CURTIS: Damn this place is creepy! Remind me again why you still want to live here.
HAYCHEL: It's all about the Benjamins, Curtis. I have my standards.
CURTIS: Maybe I should start calling you Greens since you love the stuff so much.
HAYCHEL: Ha ha! After the whole debacle with Daddy, I was tapped out. I changed my name, went to some place called Beecher's Corners where some good-looking lawyer type wanted some good times with me. Or so I thought. Turns out he just wanted to hire me to be some poor amnesiac's fake wife so he could get with Busy Lizzie and he was offering a pretty penny for it. I was too strapped for funds to be insulted that he wasn't into me. The job was here in Port Chuckles and some prince came knocking on my hotel room, we had some Le Petit Mort, I found out he knew who Memory Man really was and when I was about to tell my fake hubby the truth, I get plugged by his goon. Real Cinderella story, isn't it?
CURTIS: Except that prince is fitting you for cement shoes.
HAYCHEL: That's where you come in...
HOSPITAL
ANNA: Fancy meeting you here, Paul. (gives her phone to Emma) Emma, go take some selfies with Felix, Epiphany, a few IV poles, have some fun.
EMMA: Okay, grandma. I'm all over this hospital selfie thing.
ANNA: Silly me! I just remembered that I have to call Robin and Patrick. I promised I'd call them at exactly 2:37. That was a half hour ago. Where's my phone?
PAUL: You gave it to Emma. Hospital selfies, remember? Here, use mine.
ANNA: Aren't you a sweet little crooked district attorney! Thanks, Paul. (fake calling Robin) Hi Robin. How's Morocco. What? I can't hear you. I'm in a dead zone. I'm going to move down the hall where the reception is better. (to self) and Paul can't see me take that chip out of his phone. (to Robin) How's Patrick? What time is it in Morocco? (to self) Got it! Look out Carrrrrrrrrlos!
OBRECHT: Ze patient has chosen Dr. Munro. It baffles ze mind zat she chose ze surgeon viss less experience razzer zan ze chief of neurosurgery.
GRIFFIN: So, Elizabeth, are you ready for the assist on the Quartermaine cerebral wormectomy?
LIZ: Ready as I'll ever be.
TRACY: Let's get this de-worming surgery show on the road. I never thought I'd ever utter such a sentence. I'll be back, everyone. Don't even think about renting my room out to long-lost Quartermaines, stray humans, or ANY of my ex-husbands because I WILL find out. Tracy Angelica Quartermaine DOES NOT die of brain worms!
NED: I still think we should have gone with Doc Martin House.
DILLON: Go commiserate with Dr. Obrecht, Ned. Mom made the right choice.
GYM
SONNY: Dante, son, who are you looking to sucker punch?
DANTE: I've got a list, but first thing's first, Dad, what are you going to (JAB JAB) do to Carrrrrrrrrrrlos?
SONNY: (JAB JAB) I'm going to (JAB JAB) bring him to justice.
DANTE: (JAB DUCK JAB) Care to (JAB) elaborate?
SONNY: Well (DUCK JAB JAB) first, I have to find him.
DANTE: (DUCK DUCK JAB DUCK JAB) Then what (JAB JAB)? Are you planning on turning him over (DUCK JAB DUCK) to the cops for a change?
SONNY: (JAB JAB) That's hilarious.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Guess who's coming to dinner?
NIKOLAS: What sort of game is this, Haychel? With you it's always something.
CURTIS: Since we're talking movies, meet The Bodyguard.
Monday, April 4, 2016
Marriage of Convenience
Nathan tells Maxie part of the story about his marriage to Claudette. Nina channels her wackadoo days when she finds out Julian is behind the Crimson sabotage. Franco has encouraging words for Liz. Jason and Sam talk to Shawn at Pentonville while Hayden puts the screws to Nikolas. Dr. Finn bonds with his demanding patient.
ACTUAL OUTDOORS (BUT WAY TOO WARM AND SUNNY FOR UPSTATE NEW YORK IN EARLY APRIL)
NATHAN: So I met Claudette, the French Canadian at a bar, proposed to her on our second date, got married and then had the marriage annulled. It was a marriage of convenience.
MAXIE: And getting shot and being doped up on pain meds reminded you of this marriage of convenience how?
NATHAN: Well, I WAS shot in a church during a wedding...
MAXIE: You have a point, but I still don't get why you didn't tell me why you married some French Canadian girl after all of two dates and why you kept all of this a huge secret from me.
NATHAN: If I didn't marry her, she'd get deported. You know how that goes, though Fake Levi wasn't even Australian.
MAXIE: So why did you get an annulment? Did she take you hostage on your wedding and try to murder you with a sword made of your family's prized Aztec jewels?
NATHAN: Let's just say Claudette got around.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Hey, Elizabeth, you won't believe what I just saw on Hulu. It was my former curly haired psychotic self, except I was time traveling to the '60s, saving JFK, then undoing my saving of JFK and ending up dancing with the re-incarnated Helena Cassadine. Spooky! What are you scouring the interwebs for?
LIZ: A place to live that hasn't been blown up or isn't inhabited by a Haychel.
FRANCO: Ever thought of shacking up with Jake's dad?
LIZ: Been there, done that.
DR. FINN: Hey, Elizabeth, thanks for taking care of my service lizard.
FRANCO: Service lizard? Is that a thing?
DR. FINN: Damn straight it's a thing. You should really consider it.
METROCOURT ROOM
HAYCHEL: I know what you did last spring, Nikolas.
NIKOLAS: Can you narrow it down a little?
HAYCHEL: We had a lot of Le Petit Mort, I knew Jake Doe was really Jason, you didn't care because you loved having Le Petit Mort with me, I broke a priceless Russian vase, oh, and YOU TRIED TO HAVE ME KILLED!
NIKOLAS: (to himself) How the HELL does she know that? I'm ROYALLY screwed! (to Haychel) You're misremembering things, Haychel. Shawn Butler was trying to shoot Jakeson and since he's a notoriously bad shot, his bullet plugged you instead.
HAYCHEL: WRONG! Shawn isn't just a bad shot, he's an ATROCIOUS shot and his bullet hit NOTHING! There was another shooter and it was one of YOUR goons. You knew I was going to that garage to rat you out and you tried to stop it from happening. Therefore, you're going to shred that prenup and cough up ELQ or you're taking Shawn's place in The Big House.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Curtis, don't keep us waiting. Who's the rat bastard who tried to sabotage Crimson?
CURTIS: (nods in Julian's direction) You're looking at him.
NINA: Julian, it was you??? You will ANSWER for what you did! REPENT (throws magazine pages at Julian) REPENT (throws a chair at Julian) REPENT!!! (throws assorted office supplies at Julian)
JULIAN: Whoa, Nina, can you dial down the crazy a notch or fifty?
NINA: You think THIS is crazy? (Points stiletto heel at Julian) I WOULD show you crazy, but I'm going to be a mature adult about it and call my baby brother, the cop. After all, you committed fraud about 5,000 times, so it shouldn't be too hard to get you thrown in the slammer.
JULIAN: This office looks like a couple of natural disasters hit it. Isn't it too late for being a mature adult?
NINA: Fork over Crimson or get cuffed.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: You leave this hospital over your own dead body.
TRACY: I've come to appreciate how you don't sugar-coat things, Dr. Finn, but, honestly, will my brain worms die faster if I'm stuck in a hospital bed wearing striped jammies?
DR. FINN: You'd be surprised at the anti-parasitic properties of striped jammies. I'm trying to get some specially made for Roxy.
TRACY: You're having pajamas made for you "service lizard"?
DR. FINN: Wouldn't you do anything in your power to protect Ned and Dillon from potential parasitic infection?
PENTONVILLE
SAM (on prison phone with Shawn): We have reason to think your bullet missed human flesh altogether.
SHAWN: That's funny. Hayden thought the same thing.
SAM: By the way, it's Haychel now. She's Raymond Bernie Madoff's daughter Rachel. What if one of Daddy's enemies went after her. Or Daddy himself. Do you remember any random person with a gun standing by you when you took that shot?
SHAWN: No, I didn't look both ways before pulling the trigger. Can you put Jason on?
JASON: Hey, look, no hard feelings, man.
SHAWN: I know you don't remember us being buddies, but we were and when I found out you were Jason, I was wrecked, man. Sometimes being a lousy shot can be a good thing.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Seriously, Elizabeth, you're much less of a mess than you were after Jason dumped you. I call that progress.
LIZ: Thank you, Franco. I think.
OBRECHT: Franco, my liebchen genius, vy aah you vasting your time viss zat simpering Nurse Vebber? Vat about Nina?
FRANCO: Nina's trying to get me pregnant.
OBRECHT: Now zat vould be something to see. If any man can be pregnant, Franco, it vould be you.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: OMG! Who bombed our office?
JULIAN: Don't look at me! (leaves)
NINA: There was a little misunderstanding.
MAXIE: I'll say.
NINA: Crimson is mine now, Maxie. ALL MINE!
MAXIE: Your brother had a French Canadian ex-wife.
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: Hello, HAYCHEL!
HAYCHEL: Look who's got a needle and ink to tattoo "Property of Busy Lizzie" on your forehead, Nikolas. Too bad he's still taken, Busy Lizzie! (leaves)
NIKOLAS: She knows, Liz.
LIZ: You're kinda screwed.
NIKOLAS: YOU THINK???
ACTUAL OUTDOORS
HAYCHEL: Guess what? My prince of a hubby knows I know he tried to have me killed. You still got the proof?
CURTIS: What? Do you think your BFF would flush the goods on your poisonous prince down the toilet?
HAYCHEL: I may need that proof sooner rather than later. It's all I have to save my marriage and my meal ticket.
CURTIS: I've got a better idea. Ditch the creepy castle and your homicidal hubby and let ME be your meal ticket.
NATHAN: (on phone with Obrecht) So Maxie knows the partial truth about Claudette. Tread lightly, mother.
OBRECHT: It is a good sing you did not tell her ze whole troos, Nassan. Zat vould have been a very bad idea.
HOSPITAL
TRACY: Thank you for letting me clean your clock in Monopoly, Dr. Finn.
DR. FINN: It really wasn't a fair fight. You had a couple thousand parasitic worms up there working for you.
TRACY: And you don't have some sort of psychic connection with your bearded service lizard dragon?
DR. FINN: I see blood. Impending seizure! Danger, Tracy Quartermaine! Danger!!!!
TRACY: SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE
ACTUAL OUTDOORS (BUT WAY TOO WARM AND SUNNY FOR UPSTATE NEW YORK IN EARLY APRIL)
NATHAN: So I met Claudette, the French Canadian at a bar, proposed to her on our second date, got married and then had the marriage annulled. It was a marriage of convenience.
MAXIE: And getting shot and being doped up on pain meds reminded you of this marriage of convenience how?
NATHAN: Well, I WAS shot in a church during a wedding...
MAXIE: You have a point, but I still don't get why you didn't tell me why you married some French Canadian girl after all of two dates and why you kept all of this a huge secret from me.
NATHAN: If I didn't marry her, she'd get deported. You know how that goes, though Fake Levi wasn't even Australian.
MAXIE: So why did you get an annulment? Did she take you hostage on your wedding and try to murder you with a sword made of your family's prized Aztec jewels?
NATHAN: Let's just say Claudette got around.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Hey, Elizabeth, you won't believe what I just saw on Hulu. It was my former curly haired psychotic self, except I was time traveling to the '60s, saving JFK, then undoing my saving of JFK and ending up dancing with the re-incarnated Helena Cassadine. Spooky! What are you scouring the interwebs for?
LIZ: A place to live that hasn't been blown up or isn't inhabited by a Haychel.
FRANCO: Ever thought of shacking up with Jake's dad?
LIZ: Been there, done that.
DR. FINN: Hey, Elizabeth, thanks for taking care of my service lizard.
FRANCO: Service lizard? Is that a thing?
DR. FINN: Damn straight it's a thing. You should really consider it.
METROCOURT ROOM
HAYCHEL: I know what you did last spring, Nikolas.
NIKOLAS: Can you narrow it down a little?
HAYCHEL: We had a lot of Le Petit Mort, I knew Jake Doe was really Jason, you didn't care because you loved having Le Petit Mort with me, I broke a priceless Russian vase, oh, and YOU TRIED TO HAVE ME KILLED!
NIKOLAS: (to himself) How the HELL does she know that? I'm ROYALLY screwed! (to Haychel) You're misremembering things, Haychel. Shawn Butler was trying to shoot Jakeson and since he's a notoriously bad shot, his bullet plugged you instead.
HAYCHEL: WRONG! Shawn isn't just a bad shot, he's an ATROCIOUS shot and his bullet hit NOTHING! There was another shooter and it was one of YOUR goons. You knew I was going to that garage to rat you out and you tried to stop it from happening. Therefore, you're going to shred that prenup and cough up ELQ or you're taking Shawn's place in The Big House.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Curtis, don't keep us waiting. Who's the rat bastard who tried to sabotage Crimson?
CURTIS: (nods in Julian's direction) You're looking at him.
NINA: Julian, it was you??? You will ANSWER for what you did! REPENT (throws magazine pages at Julian) REPENT (throws a chair at Julian) REPENT!!! (throws assorted office supplies at Julian)
JULIAN: Whoa, Nina, can you dial down the crazy a notch or fifty?
NINA: You think THIS is crazy? (Points stiletto heel at Julian) I WOULD show you crazy, but I'm going to be a mature adult about it and call my baby brother, the cop. After all, you committed fraud about 5,000 times, so it shouldn't be too hard to get you thrown in the slammer.
JULIAN: This office looks like a couple of natural disasters hit it. Isn't it too late for being a mature adult?
NINA: Fork over Crimson or get cuffed.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: You leave this hospital over your own dead body.
TRACY: I've come to appreciate how you don't sugar-coat things, Dr. Finn, but, honestly, will my brain worms die faster if I'm stuck in a hospital bed wearing striped jammies?
DR. FINN: You'd be surprised at the anti-parasitic properties of striped jammies. I'm trying to get some specially made for Roxy.
TRACY: You're having pajamas made for you "service lizard"?
DR. FINN: Wouldn't you do anything in your power to protect Ned and Dillon from potential parasitic infection?
PENTONVILLE
SAM (on prison phone with Shawn): We have reason to think your bullet missed human flesh altogether.
SHAWN: That's funny. Hayden thought the same thing.
SAM: By the way, it's Haychel now. She's Raymond Bernie Madoff's daughter Rachel. What if one of Daddy's enemies went after her. Or Daddy himself. Do you remember any random person with a gun standing by you when you took that shot?
SHAWN: No, I didn't look both ways before pulling the trigger. Can you put Jason on?
JASON: Hey, look, no hard feelings, man.
SHAWN: I know you don't remember us being buddies, but we were and when I found out you were Jason, I was wrecked, man. Sometimes being a lousy shot can be a good thing.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Seriously, Elizabeth, you're much less of a mess than you were after Jason dumped you. I call that progress.
LIZ: Thank you, Franco. I think.
OBRECHT: Franco, my liebchen genius, vy aah you vasting your time viss zat simpering Nurse Vebber? Vat about Nina?
FRANCO: Nina's trying to get me pregnant.
OBRECHT: Now zat vould be something to see. If any man can be pregnant, Franco, it vould be you.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: OMG! Who bombed our office?
JULIAN: Don't look at me! (leaves)
NINA: There was a little misunderstanding.
MAXIE: I'll say.
NINA: Crimson is mine now, Maxie. ALL MINE!
MAXIE: Your brother had a French Canadian ex-wife.
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: Hello, HAYCHEL!
HAYCHEL: Look who's got a needle and ink to tattoo "Property of Busy Lizzie" on your forehead, Nikolas. Too bad he's still taken, Busy Lizzie! (leaves)
NIKOLAS: She knows, Liz.
LIZ: You're kinda screwed.
NIKOLAS: YOU THINK???
ACTUAL OUTDOORS
HAYCHEL: Guess what? My prince of a hubby knows I know he tried to have me killed. You still got the proof?
CURTIS: What? Do you think your BFF would flush the goods on your poisonous prince down the toilet?
HAYCHEL: I may need that proof sooner rather than later. It's all I have to save my marriage and my meal ticket.
CURTIS: I've got a better idea. Ditch the creepy castle and your homicidal hubby and let ME be your meal ticket.
NATHAN: (on phone with Obrecht) So Maxie knows the partial truth about Claudette. Tread lightly, mother.
OBRECHT: It is a good sing you did not tell her ze whole troos, Nassan. Zat vould have been a very bad idea.
HOSPITAL
TRACY: Thank you for letting me clean your clock in Monopoly, Dr. Finn.
DR. FINN: It really wasn't a fair fight. You had a couple thousand parasitic worms up there working for you.
TRACY: And you don't have some sort of psychic connection with your bearded service lizard dragon?
DR. FINN: I see blood. Impending seizure! Danger, Tracy Quartermaine! Danger!!!!
TRACY: SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE
Friday, April 1, 2016
Is That A Shadow I See?
Actual sunshine in Port Chuckles? Outdoor scenes that actually look like they were filmed outdoors? I guess it's something different, but compared to the April 1 show last year, it was just business as usual today. Dante warns Curtis not to do Valerie wrong. Nathan 'fesses up to Maxie about Claudette. Alexis laments the way she handled Kristina's coming out. Lucas and Brad finally set a date. (Rosalie must have gone into Witness Protection). A famous fashionista I have personally never heard of agrees to do a feature for Crimson. Curtis cracks the Crimson sabotage case. Nikolas wants a divorce from Haychel. Jason and Sam discuss Haychel's shooting.
GYM
DANTE: Hey Curtis, if you screw Valerie over, you have to answer to me.
CURTIS: Hey Falconeri, last I checked, Valerie doesn't have "Property of Dante Falconeri" tattooed on her forehead.
NATHAN: Hey Partner, remember how you got back together with Lulu? Two's company, three's a crowd. I should know. Maxie's still in the dark about my ex-wife.
DANTE: You selling tix for when you tell her? I want a front row seat.
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: What's wrong, Jason? Instructions for that toychest in Swahili?
JASON: It's from IKEA. Close enough. Where's my stupid Allen wrench? It doesn't even look like a wrench. It's just some bent piece of metal.
SAM: Maybe I should help you with this, what with my badassery in all things mechanical.
JASON: So how's your case going?
SAM: So Hayden is Rachel and her dad is Bernie Madoff and they ran some cons together. Bernie was busted and Rachel was broke, so she hit Ric up for some quick cash. When that went south and she found out you were Jason, she moved on to her next meal ticket: my cousin, the prince.
THE REAL OUTDOORS
ALEXIS: Kristina told me she was gay and I came off sounding like Ted Cruz.
JULIAN: And I thought I screwed the pooch when Lucas came out to me! What did you say to her?
ALEXIS: That she was sexually confused and manipulated by her lesbian cougar professor.
JULIAN: Okay, you win at offspring coming out support FAIL.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: OMG! It's JOE ZEE!!! Be still my fashionista heart!
NINA: Your boss is kinda awesome, isn't she?
JOE: It's an HONOR to meet the creative geniuses behind the green issue!
MAXIE; About that, it wasn't really supposed to be green. Our printer screwed us over and we turned limes into limeade. And when our printer screwed us over AGAIN and printed all the pages loose, Nina dropped them out of a plane!
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: Lucas, I am sexually confused and somewhere between 10 and 100% gay.
LUCAS: Now THERE'S something you don't hear every day. What makes you think you are some degree of gay?
KRISTINA: I have a mad crush on my hot older female professor.
LUCAS: Welcome to my world. Do you parents know?
KRISTINA: Mom knows, but she's in a decidedly un-liberal state of denial. She thinks my prof planted gay seeds in my head or whatever.
METROCOURT ROOM
NIKOLAS: I want a divorce, Haychel.
HAYCHEL: But...but...even though I was conning you into giving me ELQ so I could turn it over to Tracy, I really did love you.
NIKOLAS: Our marriage was a lie. You signed the documents under your fake name.
HAYCHEL: Because if I signed them with my real name, the whole Vegas Burger King Wedding never would have happened.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: So, my boyfriend has this ex-girlfriend that he declared his love to while under the sauce in the hospital after getting shot. He lied to me and said she was his dog. Then I told him to just forget about the whole thing.
JOE: Good call. Let bygones be bygones. Nice shoes.
MAXIE: Thanks Supreme Fashionista! (hugs Joe)
NATHAN: What did I just walk in on?
MAXIE: Nathan, I want you to meet the best fashionista on the planet, Joe Zee. Joe, this is said boyfriend Nathan West.
JOE: Gotta go to LA to deal with another red carpet wardrobe malfunction.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
LUCAS: Brad and I are FINALLY getting married.
ALEXIS & JULIAN: Congratulations!
ALEXIS: I'm SO happy for you! You're gay and not being swayed by any manipulative professor.
KRISTINA: NO FAIR!!! I'm SO outta here.
CRIMSON OFFICE
CURTIS: (over phone) Billing department, we got ourselves a problem. No fair charging us for binding when there's no binding holding the latest issue of Crimson together. The Editor-in-Chief dropped pages from a PLANE for crying out loud and told everybody to put the damn magazine together themselves! SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? It was SUPPOSED to be printed that way? SAYS WHO??? Hmmmmmmmm, the plot thickens...
NINA: Mr. Ashford, what's the latest on our saboteur? (Julian walks out of the elevator)
CURTIS: You'd better sit down for this.
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: What if YOU weren't the target of that bullet? What if it was Haychel?
JASON: Why would Shawn Butler want to shoot Haychel?
SAM: What if there was a SECOND SHOOTER?
THE REAL OUTDOORS
NATHAN: Maxie, I have to tell you something. Claudette is my ex-wife.
MAXIE: April Fool! Right?
NATHAN: What? It's April Fool's Day? How come nobody told me? But seriously, Maxie, I was married to Claudette.
MAXIE: And you telling me this NOW?
NATHAN: You know how things are in this town. When couples get too happy, something has to happen to shake them up. Besides, you had enough past to dredge up for the both of us!
GYM
DANTE: Hey Curtis, if you screw Valerie over, you have to answer to me.
CURTIS: Hey Falconeri, last I checked, Valerie doesn't have "Property of Dante Falconeri" tattooed on her forehead.
NATHAN: Hey Partner, remember how you got back together with Lulu? Two's company, three's a crowd. I should know. Maxie's still in the dark about my ex-wife.
DANTE: You selling tix for when you tell her? I want a front row seat.
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: What's wrong, Jason? Instructions for that toychest in Swahili?
JASON: It's from IKEA. Close enough. Where's my stupid Allen wrench? It doesn't even look like a wrench. It's just some bent piece of metal.
SAM: Maybe I should help you with this, what with my badassery in all things mechanical.
JASON: So how's your case going?
SAM: So Hayden is Rachel and her dad is Bernie Madoff and they ran some cons together. Bernie was busted and Rachel was broke, so she hit Ric up for some quick cash. When that went south and she found out you were Jason, she moved on to her next meal ticket: my cousin, the prince.
THE REAL OUTDOORS
ALEXIS: Kristina told me she was gay and I came off sounding like Ted Cruz.
JULIAN: And I thought I screwed the pooch when Lucas came out to me! What did you say to her?
ALEXIS: That she was sexually confused and manipulated by her lesbian cougar professor.
JULIAN: Okay, you win at offspring coming out support FAIL.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: OMG! It's JOE ZEE!!! Be still my fashionista heart!
NINA: Your boss is kinda awesome, isn't she?
JOE: It's an HONOR to meet the creative geniuses behind the green issue!
MAXIE; About that, it wasn't really supposed to be green. Our printer screwed us over and we turned limes into limeade. And when our printer screwed us over AGAIN and printed all the pages loose, Nina dropped them out of a plane!
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: Lucas, I am sexually confused and somewhere between 10 and 100% gay.
LUCAS: Now THERE'S something you don't hear every day. What makes you think you are some degree of gay?
KRISTINA: I have a mad crush on my hot older female professor.
LUCAS: Welcome to my world. Do you parents know?
KRISTINA: Mom knows, but she's in a decidedly un-liberal state of denial. She thinks my prof planted gay seeds in my head or whatever.
METROCOURT ROOM
NIKOLAS: I want a divorce, Haychel.
HAYCHEL: But...but...even though I was conning you into giving me ELQ so I could turn it over to Tracy, I really did love you.
NIKOLAS: Our marriage was a lie. You signed the documents under your fake name.
HAYCHEL: Because if I signed them with my real name, the whole Vegas Burger King Wedding never would have happened.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: So, my boyfriend has this ex-girlfriend that he declared his love to while under the sauce in the hospital after getting shot. He lied to me and said she was his dog. Then I told him to just forget about the whole thing.
JOE: Good call. Let bygones be bygones. Nice shoes.
MAXIE: Thanks Supreme Fashionista! (hugs Joe)
NATHAN: What did I just walk in on?
MAXIE: Nathan, I want you to meet the best fashionista on the planet, Joe Zee. Joe, this is said boyfriend Nathan West.
JOE: Gotta go to LA to deal with another red carpet wardrobe malfunction.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
LUCAS: Brad and I are FINALLY getting married.
ALEXIS & JULIAN: Congratulations!
ALEXIS: I'm SO happy for you! You're gay and not being swayed by any manipulative professor.
KRISTINA: NO FAIR!!! I'm SO outta here.
CRIMSON OFFICE
CURTIS: (over phone) Billing department, we got ourselves a problem. No fair charging us for binding when there's no binding holding the latest issue of Crimson together. The Editor-in-Chief dropped pages from a PLANE for crying out loud and told everybody to put the damn magazine together themselves! SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? It was SUPPOSED to be printed that way? SAYS WHO??? Hmmmmmmmm, the plot thickens...
NINA: Mr. Ashford, what's the latest on our saboteur? (Julian walks out of the elevator)
CURTIS: You'd better sit down for this.
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: What if YOU weren't the target of that bullet? What if it was Haychel?
JASON: Why would Shawn Butler want to shoot Haychel?
SAM: What if there was a SECOND SHOOTER?
THE REAL OUTDOORS
NATHAN: Maxie, I have to tell you something. Claudette is my ex-wife.
MAXIE: April Fool! Right?
NATHAN: What? It's April Fool's Day? How come nobody told me? But seriously, Maxie, I was married to Claudette.
MAXIE: And you telling me this NOW?
NATHAN: You know how things are in this town. When couples get too happy, something has to happen to shake them up. Besides, you had enough past to dredge up for the both of us!
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