Liz is unnerved that Franco talked about Jake with Sam. A frightening drawing scares the crap out of Jason. Jake's anger toward Sam boils over. Lulu asks Maxie and Olivia for help in getting Dante back. Mayor Lomax tries to use Dante as a weapon against Olivia's lawsuit. Kristina gives Sam advice on the Jake situation.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Elizabeth, I think your kid needs some emergency art therapy.
LIZ: Since when is art therapy an emergency?
FRANCO: Since I saw some of the truly creepy stuff he drew. I'm not alone in thinking your kid's got some serious Baby Franco going on in that young mind of his.
LIZ: What do you mean you're not alone?
FRANCO: Surely you think something's up with your kid, don't you?
LIZ: Well DUH! I have to be desperate to fix Jake if I'm taking him to see YOU. And you KNOW you weren't referring to me. Who have you been blabbing about Jake to? WHO????
FRANCO: Just the mother of his brother by another mother.
LIZ: You were talking to SAM about Jake? SAM? Pssssst, Franco, she's PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 1!
FRANCO: It's not like I showed her all the DEEPLY DISTURBING art your kid's creating.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: Say, Jake, what's this picture all about? (points to the Dead Sam picture) Did Helena introduce you to voodoo or something?
JAKE: That's a VERY BAD WOMAN!
JASON: Yeah, but Helena was older, blonder, and wore a lot more jewelry then this scary lady here. She's also dead. You don't have to be scared of her anymore.
JAKE: The Empress of the Island lives on and that picture is NOT HER!
JASON: Then who is it?
JAKE: Scaryface Darkmore. She's REALLY BAD AND BREAKS DADDIES! You have to be careful, Daddy.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
OLIVIA: But what if everybody just stares AT MY BOOBS?
ALEXIS: These boobs give your son DAMN AWESOME MILK, so let 'em stare. We're gonna win this case and it will be a win for women everywhere! I am SO on a feminist crusade and YOU are my muse, Olivia!
RANDOM LADY: You go, Boobs of Glory!
ALEXIS: We are doin' it for ourselves, Olivia! Doin' it FOR OURSELVES!
LULU: Maxie, you have to help me get my hubby back.
MAXIE: You mean the same hubby that shacked up with Valerie on not one, but TWO major holiday? Are you sure, Lulu?
LULU: Valerie and Dante have been history since they didn't hook up on Christmas. The path is clear, Maxie. I just need to sneak into his yacht and show him just what he's giving up. Except I don't have a key.
MAXIE: Can't you just ask his mom? (points to Olivia)
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SAM: Is there something you're not telling me, Krissy? About your whole school situation? PLEASE tell me you're not preggers with this Parker's kid.
KRISTINA: What part of "I didn't have sex with Parker" don't you understand? Parker turned me down, then turned me in. Can we change the subject to, I don't know, YOU?
SAM: So I was talking to Franco about Jake...
KRISTINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT? Talking to FRANCO? Do you have a death wish, Sam?
SAM: It's not like he actually told me anything.
KRISTINA: Just don't go trying to rescue some deranged kid who isn't even yours.
HOSPITAL
JASON: We need to fix Jake ASAP. Look what he drew. Freaky.
FRANCO: What did I tell ya?
JASON: Who asked you?
LIZ: Actually I kinda did after it was sorta forced on me. Franco is an art therapist.
JASON: So THAT'S what they're calling it these days .
FRANCO: Hey, I thought he didn't remember me being a psychotic obsessed serial killer stalker!
JASON: So, Franco, why is my kid drawing morbid pictures of women?
FRANCO: Because he is full of simmering rage.
JASON: Yeah, that explains it.
DANTE'S LOFT
MAYOR LOMAX: Detective Falconeri, I need your help talking your whackjob boob crusader mother down from her preposterous lawsuit.
DANTE: Um...NO.
MAYOR LOMAX: The apple doesn't fall too far from the crazy tree. What does your wife think of you and your family of mixed nuts?
DANTE: That it's NONEOFYOURDAMNBIZNESS! Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
LULU: Olivia, can you help me? I need the key to my old loft with Dante because I want to get him back.
OLIVIA: What happened to your key?
LULU: Lost it in a fit of rage. It flew right through the dartboard I made with Valerie's face on it. You want us to get back together, don't you, Olivia? Then please help me. Pretty please with about 500 cannolis on top.
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: Jake, you're bleeding! What happened? Where's your mother?
JAKE: See that window? A bad, evil, terrible, RAT BASTARD threw a rock through the window.
SAM: Then why isn't there glass INSIDE THE HOUSE? I know. Because the person who threw the rock is YOU, Jake.
JAKE: YOU'RE MEAN, SPAM! I WANT MY DADDY! (runs downstairs to the basement, hides under the stairs, and loosens a few steps.
SAM: Jake? Are you playing hide and seek? Jake? JAAAAAAAAAA--- (falls down the stairs)
DANTE'S LOFT
LULU: How do I look? This is the dress I wore when I told Dante I was pregnant but turned out not to be pregnant because I had a crazy uterus which I got fixed but not before that Britt woman gave birth to Rocco. Won't that bring back some warm, fuzzy memories?
MAXIE: As long as you leave out the part where I carried your embryo, lost your embryo, got knocked up by Spinelli and tried to pass Georgie off as you and Dante's.
LULU: Deal.
MAXIE: OMG, Lulu, don't look at these divorce papers.
LULU: Guess what? DANTE DIDN'T SIGN THEM! DANTE DIDN'T SIGN THEM! WOO HOO!
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
DANTE: Got a visit from our not-so-esteemed mayor today. She tried to get me to tell you to call off the lawsuit. I told her "No dice" and she got VERY STABBY.
OLIVIA: Worst. Mayor. EVER! What are those papers?
DANTE: Divorce papers, ma. Why, did you see Lulu?
OLIVIA: She was in this restaurant. Somewhere. Oh yeah, I think she was with Maxie. Yeah, that's it.
MAYOR LOMAX: Say goodbye to all the parties you have at this place, Ms. Falconeri. You've been CUT OFF until you drop that lawsuit.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
ALEXIS: Goodbye, Kristina. I'll miss you while you're at school. I love you sooooooooo much and I wish I could travel in your pocket and attend all your classes with you.
KRISTINA: I have to tell you something, Mom.
ALEXIS: You can tell me ANYTHING, Krissy. ANYTHING.
KRISTINA: I'm totes for you marrying Julian. I know Dad's so not into it, but you have my support. Oh, and, um, I love you. Bye.
ALEXIS: Good bye. One of these days you will meet a young man who will be YOUR Julian.
KRISTINA: Um, yeah, okay.
KRISTINA (opens door): OMG, what is SHE doing here. Parker?
Friday, January 29, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Scary, Creepy Jakey
Jason sees a highly disturbing drawing in Jake's collection. Sam accuses Franco of being in cahoots with Elizabeth in staging the break-in. Sonny tells Carly that mum's the word on his being able to stand. Carrrrrrrrrlos promises Sabrina an idyllic life with him and the new baby. Anna and Robert grill the lady at the clinic on who made the appointment. Anna has an unsettling phone convo with Paul. Morgan wants Kiki back.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Hey Sam, what's shakin'?
SAM: We are SO not friends, Franco.
FRANCO: But I'm a changed man, sans evil tumor. Then, I shot myself up with LSD to save my girlfriend and the stuff wiped out all the other sinister impulses from my brain. It is some STRONG stuff, that LSD. I never saw so many colors in my entire life. It was like a rainbow just EXPLODED in front of my eyes.
SAM: Once a whackjob, always a whackjob. You and Nina together, now THAT'S RICH!
FRANCO: Nina is the shiz, Sam! She's running a magazine that's making all other magazines GREEN with envy.
SAM: I saw that issue. It made me want to puke.
FRANCO: You know, you really should be nicer to Elizabeth.
SAM: Why? Is she your new bestie? Did you conspire with her to scare the crap out of her son Jake?
FRANCO: Jake, now there's a kid who takes me back.
SAM: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
FRANCO: Say nothing. I can't talk about one of my patients.
SAM: So he IS your patient? I need ALL the deets.
FRANCO: See ya!
CABIN/HOTEL ROOM IN HALIFAX
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, I'm seriously in labor right now.
CARRRRRRRRRRRRRLOS: The baby is coming, Zabrrrrrrrrrrina?
SABRINA: That's what being in labor means.
CARRRRRRRRRRRRRLOS: You mean I have to get the baby out of you, querrrrrrrrrida? I have a better idea. Let's go to the hospital.
SABRINA: There's NO WAY I'm getting in a car right now, Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos. You are going to deliver your own son or daughter.
CARRRRRRRRRRRRRLOS: I hope it's a girl. Then I can name her Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrla. We can move to the Keys and live on a tropical island, you, me and the baby. How does that sound, querrrrrrrrrrrrrida?
HALIFAX CLINIC
ANNA: Who are the people who missed their appointment? What are their names?
CLINIC LADY: Christopher and Sarah Rio.
ANNA: How kind of Carrrrrrrrrrlos and Sabrina to make such ridiculously obvious aliases!
ROBERT: How aah we gonna get in touch with this couple? The girl's all kind of preggahs.
CLINIC LADY: Good luck with that because I'm not going to tell you or I get sued.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: Hear any more from the Mystery Creeper?
LIZ: The house has been quiet. Eerily quiet.
JASON: Hey there, Jakester. Burning through some more crayons?
JAKE: Look what I drew for you!
JASON: That's very...peaceful.
JAKE: When are you moving back home, Daddy?
JASON: Sorry, kid, but this house is not where I live.
LIZ: Your daddy and I are not together anymore.
JAKE: Why not? Is it because of SPAM?
LIZ: We'll tell you when you're, like 35. Go draw some more pictures.
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
CARLY: HALLELUJAH, YOU CAN STAND!
SONNY: You were just seeing things, Carly. Call it wishful thinkin'.
CARLY: I SAW you, Sonny. You stood on your own two feet.
SONNY: What I can't stand is anybody knowin' this. Nobody can know until I can run the 200 meter hurdles in the Olympics. Got it?
CARLY: Ye of little faith in yourself. Never give up! GO GO GO! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! WIN WIN WIN! GO! FIGHT! WIN!
SONNY: Put away the pom-poms, Carly, and pinky-swear you won't tell ANYONE what you saw.
CARLY: Fine. But remember to B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! BE AGGRESSIVE! BE BE AGGRESSIVE!
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
MORGAN: Baby come back! You can blame it all on me (and my stupid meds which I swear I'm taking). I was wrong, and I just can't live without you.
KIKI: Uh, I don't know, Morgan. Last time I took you back, you slept with my mother, thinking she was my aunt and that her being my aunt made any difference.
MORGAN: Remember when I said "I was wrong"?
KIKI: But there are too many Morgans. There's mellow Morgan, peppy Morgan, happy Morgan, sleepy Morgan, dopey Morgan, scary Morgan, sporty Morgan, baby Morgan, and just plain cray-cray Morgan who dresses like the Gorton Fisherman.
MORGAN: Damn, that's a lot of Morgans. Even I didn't know there was that many.
KIKI: I'll go on a date with you. One date. If you don't scare the crap out of me, MAYBE there will be more dates. MAYBE.
HALIFAX CABIN/HOTEL ROOM
CARRRRRRRRRRLOS: Here comes the baby, querrrrrrrrrrrrida! Here it comes! Um...uh...it's stuck! It's stuck in your hoo-ha and I can't get it out! We gotta go to da hospital NOW!
HALIFAX CLINIC
ANNA: (over phone with Paul) What do you want, Paul?
PAUL: I'm trying to decide whether I'm hot for you or I want to fire you.
ANNA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
PAUL: Just come back to The Chuckles and help me make up my mind.
ROBERT: Anner, I found Cahlos and Sabriner.
ANNA: Paul is getting suspicious. I think he knows we're hot on his trail. Or he's being very inappropriate. Or both.
ROBERT: Don't mind Hohnsby, Anner. I FOUND CAHLOS AND SABRINER!
HALIFAX CABIN/HOTEL ROOM
ROBERT: BLIMEY! Nobody's heah. Cahlos and Sabriner up and took off.
ANNA: I see blood. That's not good, Robert. Sabrina and the baby could be in trouble.
ROBERT: Wheah's the neahest hospital?
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: I see roller coasters and rainbows and footballs. Who do you have for the Super Bowl, kiddo? Panthers or Broncos? (sees a disturbing drawing of what looks like Sam) (to himself) HOLY CRAP! My kid's a psycho!
HOSPITAL
FRANCO (looking through Jake's file at his creepy drawings) HOLY CRAP! This kid is Franco 2.0, BEFORE my bad guy tumor got taken out. This kid is SERIAL KILLER FRANCO 2.0!!! Maybe I should start adding zeroes to my hourly rate...
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Hey Sam, what's shakin'?
SAM: We are SO not friends, Franco.
FRANCO: But I'm a changed man, sans evil tumor. Then, I shot myself up with LSD to save my girlfriend and the stuff wiped out all the other sinister impulses from my brain. It is some STRONG stuff, that LSD. I never saw so many colors in my entire life. It was like a rainbow just EXPLODED in front of my eyes.
SAM: Once a whackjob, always a whackjob. You and Nina together, now THAT'S RICH!
FRANCO: Nina is the shiz, Sam! She's running a magazine that's making all other magazines GREEN with envy.
SAM: I saw that issue. It made me want to puke.
FRANCO: You know, you really should be nicer to Elizabeth.
SAM: Why? Is she your new bestie? Did you conspire with her to scare the crap out of her son Jake?
FRANCO: Jake, now there's a kid who takes me back.
SAM: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
FRANCO: Say nothing. I can't talk about one of my patients.
SAM: So he IS your patient? I need ALL the deets.
FRANCO: See ya!
CABIN/HOTEL ROOM IN HALIFAX
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, I'm seriously in labor right now.
CARRRRRRRRRRRRRLOS: The baby is coming, Zabrrrrrrrrrrina?
SABRINA: That's what being in labor means.
CARRRRRRRRRRRRRLOS: You mean I have to get the baby out of you, querrrrrrrrrida? I have a better idea. Let's go to the hospital.
SABRINA: There's NO WAY I'm getting in a car right now, Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos. You are going to deliver your own son or daughter.
CARRRRRRRRRRRRRLOS: I hope it's a girl. Then I can name her Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrla. We can move to the Keys and live on a tropical island, you, me and the baby. How does that sound, querrrrrrrrrrrrrida?
HALIFAX CLINIC
ANNA: Who are the people who missed their appointment? What are their names?
CLINIC LADY: Christopher and Sarah Rio.
ANNA: How kind of Carrrrrrrrrrlos and Sabrina to make such ridiculously obvious aliases!
ROBERT: How aah we gonna get in touch with this couple? The girl's all kind of preggahs.
CLINIC LADY: Good luck with that because I'm not going to tell you or I get sued.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: Hear any more from the Mystery Creeper?
LIZ: The house has been quiet. Eerily quiet.
JASON: Hey there, Jakester. Burning through some more crayons?
JAKE: Look what I drew for you!
JASON: That's very...peaceful.
JAKE: When are you moving back home, Daddy?
JASON: Sorry, kid, but this house is not where I live.
LIZ: Your daddy and I are not together anymore.
JAKE: Why not? Is it because of SPAM?
LIZ: We'll tell you when you're, like 35. Go draw some more pictures.
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
CARLY: HALLELUJAH, YOU CAN STAND!
SONNY: You were just seeing things, Carly. Call it wishful thinkin'.
CARLY: I SAW you, Sonny. You stood on your own two feet.
SONNY: What I can't stand is anybody knowin' this. Nobody can know until I can run the 200 meter hurdles in the Olympics. Got it?
CARLY: Ye of little faith in yourself. Never give up! GO GO GO! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! WIN WIN WIN! GO! FIGHT! WIN!
SONNY: Put away the pom-poms, Carly, and pinky-swear you won't tell ANYONE what you saw.
CARLY: Fine. But remember to B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! BE AGGRESSIVE! BE BE AGGRESSIVE!
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
MORGAN: Baby come back! You can blame it all on me (and my stupid meds which I swear I'm taking). I was wrong, and I just can't live without you.
KIKI: Uh, I don't know, Morgan. Last time I took you back, you slept with my mother, thinking she was my aunt and that her being my aunt made any difference.
MORGAN: Remember when I said "I was wrong"?
KIKI: But there are too many Morgans. There's mellow Morgan, peppy Morgan, happy Morgan, sleepy Morgan, dopey Morgan, scary Morgan, sporty Morgan, baby Morgan, and just plain cray-cray Morgan who dresses like the Gorton Fisherman.
MORGAN: Damn, that's a lot of Morgans. Even I didn't know there was that many.
KIKI: I'll go on a date with you. One date. If you don't scare the crap out of me, MAYBE there will be more dates. MAYBE.
HALIFAX CABIN/HOTEL ROOM
CARRRRRRRRRRLOS: Here comes the baby, querrrrrrrrrrrrida! Here it comes! Um...uh...it's stuck! It's stuck in your hoo-ha and I can't get it out! We gotta go to da hospital NOW!
HALIFAX CLINIC
ANNA: (over phone with Paul) What do you want, Paul?
PAUL: I'm trying to decide whether I'm hot for you or I want to fire you.
ANNA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
PAUL: Just come back to The Chuckles and help me make up my mind.
ROBERT: Anner, I found Cahlos and Sabriner.
ANNA: Paul is getting suspicious. I think he knows we're hot on his trail. Or he's being very inappropriate. Or both.
ROBERT: Don't mind Hohnsby, Anner. I FOUND CAHLOS AND SABRINER!
HALIFAX CABIN/HOTEL ROOM
ROBERT: BLIMEY! Nobody's heah. Cahlos and Sabriner up and took off.
ANNA: I see blood. That's not good, Robert. Sabrina and the baby could be in trouble.
ROBERT: Wheah's the neahest hospital?
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: I see roller coasters and rainbows and footballs. Who do you have for the Super Bowl, kiddo? Panthers or Broncos? (sees a disturbing drawing of what looks like Sam) (to himself) HOLY CRAP! My kid's a psycho!
HOSPITAL
FRANCO (looking through Jake's file at his creepy drawings) HOLY CRAP! This kid is Franco 2.0, BEFORE my bad guy tumor got taken out. This kid is SERIAL KILLER FRANCO 2.0!!! Maybe I should start adding zeroes to my hourly rate...
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Don't Querrrrrrrrrrida Me!
Sabrina grows increasingly anxious about her baby, but Carrrrrrrrrlos insists they stay put. Anna and Robert check in with OB/GYN clinics in Halifax on Sabrina's whereabouts. After turning down Darby at the coffee warehouse, Morgan makes a decision about his relationship with Kiki. Sonny vows to avenge Duke's death and take down Julian. Ava has bad news for Carly. Paul worries about how much Kiki knows about his relationship with her mother.
HALIFAX CLINIC
ROBERT: G'day mates! Have you seen this bloke? (shows picture of Carrrrrrrrlos on his phone) Or this young lady? (shows picture of Sabrina)
ANNA: The woman in question is heavily pregnant.
ROBERT: She's 'bout to pop. The wee one could be coming any minute now.
CLINIC LADY: We haven't seen anyone meeting that description, but I can double check. Peeps have a way of sneaking in the back door.
ANNA: Thank you very much. (lady leaves) I'm going to pound Carrrrrrrrrlos's ass into the GROUND!
ROBERT: Vengeful much, Anner?
HALIFAX CABIN
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, I have cabin fever. We've been shut in for DAYS now and you said I could go to the doctor to check on my baby.
CARRRRRRRLOS: Querrrrrrrrrida, it's too dangerous. Someone might see us.
SABRINA: Yes, someone might see us. Like a DOCTOR who can tell me that my baby is okay. That OUR baby is okay.
CARRRRRRRRRLOS: Querrrrrrrrrida---
SABRINA: Don't you DARE Querrrrrrrrrrrrrrrida me!
CARRRRRRRRRRRLOS: Fine, we'll go to da doctor, but we have to wear disguises.
SABRINA: We don't have TIME for disguises! We're going to the doctor NOW!
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
DARBY: Hey sexy thang!
MORGAN: Do you always stalk dudes on their first day at work?
DARBY: You're sexy when you're suspicious!
MORGAN: Ya might want to keep your distance. I kinda stink right now because of the hard work of lifting bags of beans and the meds that make me sweat like a whole friggin' ocean.
DARBY: You're sexy when you sweat and stink! It's the wild musk of man!
MORGAN: Okay, we can make out for five minutes, then you gotta go. Who knows when the parental units will come a-checkin' up on me.
METROCOURT LOBBY
AVA: Carly, I have good news for you and I have bad news.
CARLY: Just get to the damn point, Ava. Give me the bad news first.
AVA: You're not getting ONE NANOSECOND more of Avery than you're getting right now.
CARLY: Go friggin' figure! If that's your bad news, what's your good news?
AVA: That I gave it a LOT of serious thought and that I didn't flat-out reject the idea like I could have.
CARLY: Go to hell, Ava! When Sonny gets her back, and you KNOW he will, we COULD do the very same thing to you that you're doing to us, but we care more about AVERY than ourselves. What a concept, right, Ava?
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
PAUL: Nice job, waitress. (hands her a $100 tip) Don't spend it all in one place. Or do. Spend it however the hell you want.
KIKI: Okay, Best. Tip. EVER! Thanks. This is because you and my mom are tight, isn't it?
PAUL: Tight? Who says your mother and I are tight? If anything, we're loose. Loosey-goosey, that's what we are. I have evidence that could put her in the slammer for a long time. She knows how to make sure that never happens. End of story.
KIKI: Ooookay. Thanks for the ginormous tip.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: I guess you're not a believer in putting our past grievances in the past and reigniting our bromance. We had it good, Sonny. You can't deny that.
SONNY: For some reason, Alexis thinks you're not the scum of the earth. I beg to differ. Jerome, you're going DOWN! You're GONNA PAY for what you did to Duke.
METROCOURT ELEVATOR
PAUL: What does your daughter Kiki know about our *ahem* relationship?
AVA: Why the sudden interest in my daughter? Do you have a wandering eye because my daughter is OFF LIMITS!
PAUL: I ran into her when she was doing her waitressing thing. When I gave her the biggest tip of her life, she asked some questions.
AVA: She knows nothing. She doesn't even WANT to know, so take a chill pill and buy some more sexy art.
HALIFAX CLINIC
ANNA: Finding Carrrrrrrrrrlos is the key to taking down Paul AND Julian Jerome.
ROBERT: Still on the trail of that one, aah ya?
ANNA: Justice MUST be served, Robert!
ROBERT: I can't aahgue with ya theah, Anner.
CARRRRRRRRLOS (outside the door) Querrrrrrrrrrrrrida, we have to leave NOW!
CLINIC LADY: I'm sorry, but I just checked with our staff and nobody who looks like the people you are looking for has come here today.
ANNA: Thank you very much.
CLINIC LADY: Wait! Someone did miss their appointment.
HALIFAX CABIN
SABRINA: What the hell, Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos? I thought you were going to FINALLY let me see a doctor and make sure my baby's okay.
CARRRRRRRRRRLOS: We could not go in there, Querrrrrrrrrrrrida. I saw someone who could get us in mucho trouble.
SABRINA: Well, we kinda HAVE to get to a hospital now.
CARRRRRRRRRRRLOS: No, Querrrrrrrrrrida, we have to get the hell out of Halifax before we get caught.
SABRINA: Don't QUERRRRRRRRRRRRIDA ME, CARRRRRRRRRRRLOS! I'M IN LABOR!!!
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
JULIAN: Hey there, niece! Alexis and I were so inspired by Nina and her Green Crimson campaign we're not sending out paper invitations to our wedding. Since you're part of my family, you, your baby sister and even your mother are invited.
KIKI: Thanks, Julian. I'll totes be there. As for my mother, well, you're on your own there.
AVA: Kiki, I want you to know that I gave it some serious, serious thought and I just can't trust Sonny and Carly with my precious baby daughter.
KIKI: You disappoint me, mother.
JULIAN: Ava, can you do me a favor and put the kibosh on any current mobbery? Sonny's on the warpath and I can't afford for your mobbery to end up on MY face. I have a clean, legit, mob-free life to lead with my soon-to-be wife and my three kids, one of whom is krazy-glued to Olivia's boob, so if you're running guns or selling X-rated art, just cool it, will ya?
AVA: Since when is Olivia's boob my problem?
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
DARBY: Look! It's the famous Sonny and Carly Corinthos! I'm totally fangirling now! Can I have you guys's autograph?
SONNY: And you are?
CARLY: I was about to ask the same question.
DARBY: You can call me Darby. Ta ta!
CARLY: What the? Did she smell like Morgan to you?
MORGAN: Fine, so I hung out with her for five seconds after Max said I could punch out.
CARLY: Who the hell is she, Morgan? Why don't we have all of her information? HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING YOUR MEDS?
MORGAN: Whoa, Mom, helicopter much?
CARLY: I'm CONCERNED about you, Morgan.
MORGAN: You don't trust me as far as you can throw me. I'm surprised you don't have spycam drones flying around this warehouse making sure I'm not doing anything, I don't know, fun?
SONNY: Keep calm and count the beans, son!
METROCOURT
MORGAN: Hey Keeks, I've been thinking and really thinking clearly even though I'm taking my stupid meds. Wanna try hooking up again?
KIKI: Well...
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
SONNY: (gets out of his wheelchair and stands up) Uuuuuufff! Ahhhh! Ohhhh
CARLY: O to the MG! YOU CAN STAND, SONNY! YOU CAN STAND!!! It's a MIRACLE!
HALIFAX CLINIC
ROBERT: G'day mates! Have you seen this bloke? (shows picture of Carrrrrrrrlos on his phone) Or this young lady? (shows picture of Sabrina)
ANNA: The woman in question is heavily pregnant.
ROBERT: She's 'bout to pop. The wee one could be coming any minute now.
CLINIC LADY: We haven't seen anyone meeting that description, but I can double check. Peeps have a way of sneaking in the back door.
ANNA: Thank you very much. (lady leaves) I'm going to pound Carrrrrrrrrlos's ass into the GROUND!
ROBERT: Vengeful much, Anner?
HALIFAX CABIN
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, I have cabin fever. We've been shut in for DAYS now and you said I could go to the doctor to check on my baby.
CARRRRRRRLOS: Querrrrrrrrrida, it's too dangerous. Someone might see us.
SABRINA: Yes, someone might see us. Like a DOCTOR who can tell me that my baby is okay. That OUR baby is okay.
CARRRRRRRRRLOS: Querrrrrrrrrida---
SABRINA: Don't you DARE Querrrrrrrrrrrrrrrida me!
CARRRRRRRRRRRLOS: Fine, we'll go to da doctor, but we have to wear disguises.
SABRINA: We don't have TIME for disguises! We're going to the doctor NOW!
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
DARBY: Hey sexy thang!
MORGAN: Do you always stalk dudes on their first day at work?
DARBY: You're sexy when you're suspicious!
MORGAN: Ya might want to keep your distance. I kinda stink right now because of the hard work of lifting bags of beans and the meds that make me sweat like a whole friggin' ocean.
DARBY: You're sexy when you sweat and stink! It's the wild musk of man!
MORGAN: Okay, we can make out for five minutes, then you gotta go. Who knows when the parental units will come a-checkin' up on me.
METROCOURT LOBBY
AVA: Carly, I have good news for you and I have bad news.
CARLY: Just get to the damn point, Ava. Give me the bad news first.
AVA: You're not getting ONE NANOSECOND more of Avery than you're getting right now.
CARLY: Go friggin' figure! If that's your bad news, what's your good news?
AVA: That I gave it a LOT of serious thought and that I didn't flat-out reject the idea like I could have.
CARLY: Go to hell, Ava! When Sonny gets her back, and you KNOW he will, we COULD do the very same thing to you that you're doing to us, but we care more about AVERY than ourselves. What a concept, right, Ava?
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
PAUL: Nice job, waitress. (hands her a $100 tip) Don't spend it all in one place. Or do. Spend it however the hell you want.
KIKI: Okay, Best. Tip. EVER! Thanks. This is because you and my mom are tight, isn't it?
PAUL: Tight? Who says your mother and I are tight? If anything, we're loose. Loosey-goosey, that's what we are. I have evidence that could put her in the slammer for a long time. She knows how to make sure that never happens. End of story.
KIKI: Ooookay. Thanks for the ginormous tip.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: I guess you're not a believer in putting our past grievances in the past and reigniting our bromance. We had it good, Sonny. You can't deny that.
SONNY: For some reason, Alexis thinks you're not the scum of the earth. I beg to differ. Jerome, you're going DOWN! You're GONNA PAY for what you did to Duke.
METROCOURT ELEVATOR
PAUL: What does your daughter Kiki know about our *ahem* relationship?
AVA: Why the sudden interest in my daughter? Do you have a wandering eye because my daughter is OFF LIMITS!
PAUL: I ran into her when she was doing her waitressing thing. When I gave her the biggest tip of her life, she asked some questions.
AVA: She knows nothing. She doesn't even WANT to know, so take a chill pill and buy some more sexy art.
HALIFAX CLINIC
ANNA: Finding Carrrrrrrrrrlos is the key to taking down Paul AND Julian Jerome.
ROBERT: Still on the trail of that one, aah ya?
ANNA: Justice MUST be served, Robert!
ROBERT: I can't aahgue with ya theah, Anner.
CARRRRRRRRLOS (outside the door) Querrrrrrrrrrrrrida, we have to leave NOW!
CLINIC LADY: I'm sorry, but I just checked with our staff and nobody who looks like the people you are looking for has come here today.
ANNA: Thank you very much.
CLINIC LADY: Wait! Someone did miss their appointment.
HALIFAX CABIN
SABRINA: What the hell, Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos? I thought you were going to FINALLY let me see a doctor and make sure my baby's okay.
CARRRRRRRRRRLOS: We could not go in there, Querrrrrrrrrrrrida. I saw someone who could get us in mucho trouble.
SABRINA: Well, we kinda HAVE to get to a hospital now.
CARRRRRRRRRRRLOS: No, Querrrrrrrrrrida, we have to get the hell out of Halifax before we get caught.
SABRINA: Don't QUERRRRRRRRRRRRIDA ME, CARRRRRRRRRRRLOS! I'M IN LABOR!!!
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
JULIAN: Hey there, niece! Alexis and I were so inspired by Nina and her Green Crimson campaign we're not sending out paper invitations to our wedding. Since you're part of my family, you, your baby sister and even your mother are invited.
KIKI: Thanks, Julian. I'll totes be there. As for my mother, well, you're on your own there.
AVA: Kiki, I want you to know that I gave it some serious, serious thought and I just can't trust Sonny and Carly with my precious baby daughter.
KIKI: You disappoint me, mother.
JULIAN: Ava, can you do me a favor and put the kibosh on any current mobbery? Sonny's on the warpath and I can't afford for your mobbery to end up on MY face. I have a clean, legit, mob-free life to lead with my soon-to-be wife and my three kids, one of whom is krazy-glued to Olivia's boob, so if you're running guns or selling X-rated art, just cool it, will ya?
AVA: Since when is Olivia's boob my problem?
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
DARBY: Look! It's the famous Sonny and Carly Corinthos! I'm totally fangirling now! Can I have you guys's autograph?
SONNY: And you are?
CARLY: I was about to ask the same question.
DARBY: You can call me Darby. Ta ta!
CARLY: What the? Did she smell like Morgan to you?
MORGAN: Fine, so I hung out with her for five seconds after Max said I could punch out.
CARLY: Who the hell is she, Morgan? Why don't we have all of her information? HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING YOUR MEDS?
MORGAN: Whoa, Mom, helicopter much?
CARLY: I'm CONCERNED about you, Morgan.
MORGAN: You don't trust me as far as you can throw me. I'm surprised you don't have spycam drones flying around this warehouse making sure I'm not doing anything, I don't know, fun?
SONNY: Keep calm and count the beans, son!
METROCOURT
MORGAN: Hey Keeks, I've been thinking and really thinking clearly even though I'm taking my stupid meds. Wanna try hooking up again?
KIKI: Well...
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
SONNY: (gets out of his wheelchair and stands up) Uuuuuufff! Ahhhh! Ohhhh
CARLY: O to the MG! YOU CAN STAND, SONNY! YOU CAN STAND!!! It's a MIRACLE!
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Dante tells his mama Liv that he and Lulu are headed to divorce court. Lulu has some parting advice for Johnny as he gets sent off to the hoosegow. The rooftop of Sam and Jason's romantic memories is the site of a Crimson photo shoot. Julian asks Lucas to be his best man. Sonny has a surprise for Epiphany and Epiphany only.
METROCOURT LOBBY
REPORTER: Ms. Falconeri, the world doesn't need to see your boob on display, regardless of whether it is giving life-sustaining nutrients to your infant son. Get a ROOM!
OLIVIA: If you have a problem with my boob nourishing my kid, DON'T LOOK AT MY FRIGGIN' BOOB! 'Nuff said.
DANTE: My mother has a point, lady.
OLIVIA: So, Dante, have you made up with Lulu yet? I hear she went into a BURNING BUILDING to save Valerie.
DANTE: With all due respect, Ma, you don't know the half of it.
PENTHOUSE ROOF
MAXIE: OMG, this the PERFECT spot for our photo shoot. It could be part of a series: The Roofs of Port Chuckles. After all, Nina wants us to think outside the box and this is, well, on top of the box, so to speak.
DILLON: So to speak. How's Lulu?
MAXIE: Well, Johnny saved her from getting sent to The Big House, so there's that. I feel sort of guilty about kinda lying to Nathan, though.
NATHAN: So, I was on a doughnut run and picked up some liquid refreshment. Dillon, since I don't hate you anymore because you're helping my sister, you can have one too.
PCPD
LULU: Johnny, thank you for going to prison for me, for not telling the cops that siccing you on Valerie was ALL MY IDEA. I'm having so many guilt feels about this.
JOHNNY: Hey, when you've been in lockup as many times as I have, you get used to it.
LULU: Seriously, Johnny, I owe you big-time.
JOHNNY: When you put it that way, howz 'bout busting out of here and hanging with Sabrina and Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos in Canada?
LULU: Sorry. Can't. I just remembered I have Rocco. Seriously, why can't I remember his existence for more than five minutes at a time?
HOSPITAL
SONNY: Epiphany, come quick. I have surprise for you.
EPIPHANY: A surprise from Sonny Corinthos? Should I be excited or nervous?
SONNY: Check this out. I can sorta stand on my own two feet.
EPIPHANY: HALLELUJAH, SONNY HAS RISEN!
SONNY: A little favor: Keep this on the down-low until I can actually put one foot in front of the other.
EPIPHANY: Say WHAAAAAAAAT? You're not gonna tell Carly or your own kids that you can stand?
SONNY: I gotta lull my enemies into complacency, Epiphany. They can't know that I'm on my way back and Carly has a mouth as big as all of Port Chuckles.
JULIAN: So, son, you and Brad gonna get married anytime soon?
LUCAS: He still has that pesky secret wife problem, so nope.
JULIAN: Those damn secret wives! Well, I hope you're not too bummed that Alexis and I are tying the knot because I'd kinda like you to be my best man.
LUCAS: I'm SO not bummed about that, Dad! That's awesome, man! I'll totes be your best man.
JULIAN: Good to hear, son. Remember when I was all in your face about being gay and you and Alexis helped bring my mind into the 21st century? And now, you're going to stand up for me at my wedding. I'm getting the sentimental feels now.
METROCOURT LOBBY
OLIVIA: What don't I know?
DANTE: Lulu just got away with attempted murder. It was all her idea to set Valerie up. Her own COUSIN, Ma! Johnny took the rap for her or she'd be headed to P-ville right along with him.
OLIVIA: LULU wanted to have someone KILLED? When did YOU get hit by the crazy stick? There's no WAY Lulu would try to kill anyone.
DANTE: She wasn't trying to get Valerie killed as much as run her out of town by getting her kicked out of cop school. When she involved a DESPERATE and DANGEROUS FUGITIVE, the plan went awry and Valerie found herself tied to a chair in a burning building. Johnny texted Lulu with his location, so she showed up just in time to save Valerie from roasting in a burning ring o' FIRE!
PCPD
LULU: Word of advice, Johnny: Use your time in the slammer to become the best Johnny you can be!
JOHNNY: If I do that, will you have sex with me when I get sprung? Just kidding! Sorta.
LULU: Just stay out of the chain gangs and I'll think about it.
PENTHOUSE ROOF
MAXIE: I'm sorry I told some half-truths about Johnny.
NATHAN: Well, you were protecting Lulu and you did tell us he was on the loose, so we're cool.
MAXIE: Really? Remember how it used to be ME who did the crazy, reckless stuff that would always blow up in my face? That's before I had Georgie and got together with a sexy doer-of-right-things like YOU Nathan West.
NATHAN: Let's get off this roof and into a bed to have some sex.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: Hey Sonny, remember how last year at this time, we were prison besties? You and me and a jealous Franco who kept wanting to tag along? Those were some good times, aside from the being in prison part. Whaddaya say we be besties on the outside this time?
SONNY: Two words: Duke Lavery.
JULIAN: That was on Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, Sonny. I've gone mob-free now, remember. My doc said mobs are bad for my cholesterol. When Leo was born, then "died", then showed up alive and feeding from Olivia's boob, it gave me a new lease on life. I promised Alexis and my kids that I was going straight-up and legit.
SONNY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You don't understand how the mob works do you, Julian? You don't just leave your two-weeks notice and get the hell out. Mobs are like roach motels. You check in, but you don't check out.
PCPD
DILLON: Hey Lulu, I'm sorry I didn't bust Johnny's ass the moment I saw him on the Haunted Star the first time. I was remiss in my duty to save you from yourself.
LULU: I'm sorry for being such a crappy friend.
DILLON: Well, I DID kinda publicly humiliate you and Dante at your Halloween party.
LULU: You were just being a Teller of Truths.
DILLON: Friends?
LULU: Yeah, friends.
DILLON: Good, because I miss the capers like saving your brother from the bad guys. We should go on more capers. Platonic capers, but capers all the same.
METROCOURT LOBBY
REPORTER: Ms. Falconeri, the world doesn't need to see your boob on display, regardless of whether it is giving life-sustaining nutrients to your infant son. Get a ROOM!
OLIVIA: If you have a problem with my boob nourishing my kid, DON'T LOOK AT MY FRIGGIN' BOOB! 'Nuff said.
DANTE: My mother has a point, lady.
OLIVIA: So, Dante, have you made up with Lulu yet? I hear she went into a BURNING BUILDING to save Valerie.
DANTE: With all due respect, Ma, you don't know the half of it.
PENTHOUSE ROOF
MAXIE: OMG, this the PERFECT spot for our photo shoot. It could be part of a series: The Roofs of Port Chuckles. After all, Nina wants us to think outside the box and this is, well, on top of the box, so to speak.
DILLON: So to speak. How's Lulu?
MAXIE: Well, Johnny saved her from getting sent to The Big House, so there's that. I feel sort of guilty about kinda lying to Nathan, though.
NATHAN: So, I was on a doughnut run and picked up some liquid refreshment. Dillon, since I don't hate you anymore because you're helping my sister, you can have one too.
PCPD
LULU: Johnny, thank you for going to prison for me, for not telling the cops that siccing you on Valerie was ALL MY IDEA. I'm having so many guilt feels about this.
JOHNNY: Hey, when you've been in lockup as many times as I have, you get used to it.
LULU: Seriously, Johnny, I owe you big-time.
JOHNNY: When you put it that way, howz 'bout busting out of here and hanging with Sabrina and Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos in Canada?
LULU: Sorry. Can't. I just remembered I have Rocco. Seriously, why can't I remember his existence for more than five minutes at a time?
HOSPITAL
SONNY: Epiphany, come quick. I have surprise for you.
EPIPHANY: A surprise from Sonny Corinthos? Should I be excited or nervous?
SONNY: Check this out. I can sorta stand on my own two feet.
EPIPHANY: HALLELUJAH, SONNY HAS RISEN!
SONNY: A little favor: Keep this on the down-low until I can actually put one foot in front of the other.
EPIPHANY: Say WHAAAAAAAAT? You're not gonna tell Carly or your own kids that you can stand?
SONNY: I gotta lull my enemies into complacency, Epiphany. They can't know that I'm on my way back and Carly has a mouth as big as all of Port Chuckles.
JULIAN: So, son, you and Brad gonna get married anytime soon?
LUCAS: He still has that pesky secret wife problem, so nope.
JULIAN: Those damn secret wives! Well, I hope you're not too bummed that Alexis and I are tying the knot because I'd kinda like you to be my best man.
LUCAS: I'm SO not bummed about that, Dad! That's awesome, man! I'll totes be your best man.
JULIAN: Good to hear, son. Remember when I was all in your face about being gay and you and Alexis helped bring my mind into the 21st century? And now, you're going to stand up for me at my wedding. I'm getting the sentimental feels now.
METROCOURT LOBBY
OLIVIA: What don't I know?
DANTE: Lulu just got away with attempted murder. It was all her idea to set Valerie up. Her own COUSIN, Ma! Johnny took the rap for her or she'd be headed to P-ville right along with him.
OLIVIA: LULU wanted to have someone KILLED? When did YOU get hit by the crazy stick? There's no WAY Lulu would try to kill anyone.
DANTE: She wasn't trying to get Valerie killed as much as run her out of town by getting her kicked out of cop school. When she involved a DESPERATE and DANGEROUS FUGITIVE, the plan went awry and Valerie found herself tied to a chair in a burning building. Johnny texted Lulu with his location, so she showed up just in time to save Valerie from roasting in a burning ring o' FIRE!
PCPD
LULU: Word of advice, Johnny: Use your time in the slammer to become the best Johnny you can be!
JOHNNY: If I do that, will you have sex with me when I get sprung? Just kidding! Sorta.
LULU: Just stay out of the chain gangs and I'll think about it.
PENTHOUSE ROOF
MAXIE: I'm sorry I told some half-truths about Johnny.
NATHAN: Well, you were protecting Lulu and you did tell us he was on the loose, so we're cool.
MAXIE: Really? Remember how it used to be ME who did the crazy, reckless stuff that would always blow up in my face? That's before I had Georgie and got together with a sexy doer-of-right-things like YOU Nathan West.
NATHAN: Let's get off this roof and into a bed to have some sex.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: Hey Sonny, remember how last year at this time, we were prison besties? You and me and a jealous Franco who kept wanting to tag along? Those were some good times, aside from the being in prison part. Whaddaya say we be besties on the outside this time?
SONNY: Two words: Duke Lavery.
JULIAN: That was on Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, Sonny. I've gone mob-free now, remember. My doc said mobs are bad for my cholesterol. When Leo was born, then "died", then showed up alive and feeding from Olivia's boob, it gave me a new lease on life. I promised Alexis and my kids that I was going straight-up and legit.
SONNY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You don't understand how the mob works do you, Julian? You don't just leave your two-weeks notice and get the hell out. Mobs are like roach motels. You check in, but you don't check out.
PCPD
DILLON: Hey Lulu, I'm sorry I didn't bust Johnny's ass the moment I saw him on the Haunted Star the first time. I was remiss in my duty to save you from yourself.
LULU: I'm sorry for being such a crappy friend.
DILLON: Well, I DID kinda publicly humiliate you and Dante at your Halloween party.
LULU: You were just being a Teller of Truths.
DILLON: Friends?
LULU: Yeah, friends.
DILLON: Good, because I miss the capers like saving your brother from the bad guys. We should go on more capers. Platonic capers, but capers all the same.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Two Weddings and Two Reunions
Wedding #1: Alexis and Julian's. Alexis asks Molly & Kristina, along with an absent Sam, to be her maids of honor.
Wedding #2: Hayden accepts Nikolas's proposal, but Laura's none too thrilled.
Reunion #1: Tracy runs into one of her exes, Larry Ashton, on her spa vacay.
Reunion #2: TJ runs into his Uncle Curtis at the MetroCourt, much to Jordan's chagrin.
Everything else: Sam doesn't want to get in the way of Jason's returning memories. Molly and Kristina spar about Kristina's troubles at school.
ALEXIS AND JULIAN'S HOUSE
ALEXIS: Let's do something wild and crazy like getting married in a church.
JULIAN: Do you even know what a church looks like?
ALEXIS: I've been to one. For weddings. And some funerals. And I've seen some on TV.
JULIAN: Hey, it's your day. As long as we can find a preacher who will forgive me my past mobbery, we're good.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: So will you marry me, Hayden? I'm down on one knee and everything.
HAYDEN: I'm confused.
NIKOLAS: It's rather simple, Hayden. There are two possible answers: Yes or No.
HAYDEN: I know THAT! I mean, when I popped the question last week, you were like, "we barely know each other" and "we shouldn't get married just to protect ELQ" and all that.
NIKOLAS: Yeah, well, now that a whole week has passed and I have graduated from Kotex to Poise, we know each other a helluva lot better. What do you say, Hayden? Do you want to be the next Cassadine princess?
HAYDEN: Sure, why not!
LAURA: What did I just walk in on?
HAYDEN: Hello mother-in-law-to-be!
LAURA: THIS is interesting...
PENTHOUSE ROOF
JASON: I remember the rain and you and me and colored lights and the scent of your wetness.
SAM: I hope that was a good thing.
JASON: It was a very good thing. I remember loving you, Sam. Rain is so magical.
SAM: Whoa! Hold your romantic white horses there, Jason! If you start remembering stuff that involves me, I might start expecting stuff and you don't want me expecting stuff because that's not fair to you that I'm expecting stuff and your memories are not catching up to my expectations. Or something like that.
JASON: So you're saying I'm on my own now with my memories of our passionate love.
SAM: You can always see a shrink. And there's art therapy with Franco. Okay, maybe you're better off on your own.
METROCOURT
JORDAN: Curtis, why are you stalking me? Didn't I give you an all-expenses-paid one-way trip to The Moon?
CURTIS: The Moon can wait, Jordan. It's not like it's goin' anywhere.
JORDAN: Aren't you done with whatever the hell it is you were doing here in the first place?
CURTIS: You know, you're really starting to hurt my feelings.
SPA
TRACY: I smell smoke. Put that out, whoever the hell you are.
LARRY: Do you mind? I'm getting my zen on!
TRACY: DAMMIT! Larry Ashton, what are you doing on MY spa getaway?
LARRY: What is ANYBODY doing on a spa getaway, Tracy? I'm clearing my mind and trying to put my days of con artistry and skullduggery behind me.
TRACY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Like THAT'S ever gonna happen!
LARRY: My mind is cleansed, Tracy. Ex-husbands just wanna have fun!
OUTSIDE ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
MOLLY: I'll see you back at the dorms, TJ
KRISTINA: Where NO SEX WILL EVER HAPPEN!
TJ: What the HELL?
MOLLY: Kristina's just mad because she's flunking out of school.
TJ: I'm staying out of this sister warfare. Catch you later, Molls.
METROCOURT
TJ: Uncle Curtis! Long time, no see, man!
CURTIS: TJ! You an actual grown man now!
JORDAN: So you noticed?
CURTIS: Sorry I've been AWOL in your life, man. What you studyin' in college?
TJ: Pre-Med. I decided five minutes ago I want to be a doctor. You know, since that brain surgeon Patrick left, there aren't a whole lot of halfway decent doctors at GH, so I should have no problem finding a job here. I hear this guy Lucas had a two week internship and now he's the real thing.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: Nikolas, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? (to herself) Since when are my kids SUCH IMBECILES?
NIKOLAS: I love Hayden. She loves me. We're getting married. Any questions?
LAURA: She's a liar with HIGHLY flammable pants, Nikolas. You'd better have the fire extinguisher at the ready!
NIKOLAS: I'll consider myself warned, mother.
LAURA: Does she know you tried to...take care of her, Cassadine style?
HAYDEN: It's going to be so great having you for a mother-in-law, Laura. I hope you're not one of THOSE mother-in-laws like you see in pretty much every family movie ever made.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
ALEXIS: So, girls, we are planning my wedding and it's going to be at an actual church. Isn't that CRAZY?
MOLLY: So you actually know what one is?
KRISTINA: Can you recite The Lord's Prayer?
ALEXIS: Fine, so I'm a known atheist marrying in a church just for kicks. So sue me. Wanna be my maids of honor, girls?
KRISTINA & MOLLY: Sure!
MOLLY: We know Krissy will be around, right?
KRISTINA: (sticks tongue out at Molly) MYOB, Molly!
JULIAN: I'd like to call a pre-emptive moratorium on catfights.
ALEXIS: Sisters will be sisters.
JULIAN: Let's have sex.
ALEXIS: Twist MY arm!
SPA
TRACY: There's something to be said for finding one's zen.
LARRY: Hear hear!
TRACY: (phone rings) Let's put that zen on hold for just one moment. (over phone) Hello?
HAYDEN: (over phone) You're talking to the next Mrs. Nikolas Cassadine
TRACY: Well done, Haychel. Well done! Don't worry. Once you're done snagging ELQ for me, you can get a quickie divorce. Gotta go. My zen awaits.
Wedding #2: Hayden accepts Nikolas's proposal, but Laura's none too thrilled.
Reunion #1: Tracy runs into one of her exes, Larry Ashton, on her spa vacay.
Reunion #2: TJ runs into his Uncle Curtis at the MetroCourt, much to Jordan's chagrin.
Everything else: Sam doesn't want to get in the way of Jason's returning memories. Molly and Kristina spar about Kristina's troubles at school.
ALEXIS AND JULIAN'S HOUSE
ALEXIS: Let's do something wild and crazy like getting married in a church.
JULIAN: Do you even know what a church looks like?
ALEXIS: I've been to one. For weddings. And some funerals. And I've seen some on TV.
JULIAN: Hey, it's your day. As long as we can find a preacher who will forgive me my past mobbery, we're good.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: So will you marry me, Hayden? I'm down on one knee and everything.
HAYDEN: I'm confused.
NIKOLAS: It's rather simple, Hayden. There are two possible answers: Yes or No.
HAYDEN: I know THAT! I mean, when I popped the question last week, you were like, "we barely know each other" and "we shouldn't get married just to protect ELQ" and all that.
NIKOLAS: Yeah, well, now that a whole week has passed and I have graduated from Kotex to Poise, we know each other a helluva lot better. What do you say, Hayden? Do you want to be the next Cassadine princess?
HAYDEN: Sure, why not!
LAURA: What did I just walk in on?
HAYDEN: Hello mother-in-law-to-be!
LAURA: THIS is interesting...
PENTHOUSE ROOF
JASON: I remember the rain and you and me and colored lights and the scent of your wetness.
SAM: I hope that was a good thing.
JASON: It was a very good thing. I remember loving you, Sam. Rain is so magical.
SAM: Whoa! Hold your romantic white horses there, Jason! If you start remembering stuff that involves me, I might start expecting stuff and you don't want me expecting stuff because that's not fair to you that I'm expecting stuff and your memories are not catching up to my expectations. Or something like that.
JASON: So you're saying I'm on my own now with my memories of our passionate love.
SAM: You can always see a shrink. And there's art therapy with Franco. Okay, maybe you're better off on your own.
METROCOURT
JORDAN: Curtis, why are you stalking me? Didn't I give you an all-expenses-paid one-way trip to The Moon?
CURTIS: The Moon can wait, Jordan. It's not like it's goin' anywhere.
JORDAN: Aren't you done with whatever the hell it is you were doing here in the first place?
CURTIS: You know, you're really starting to hurt my feelings.
SPA
TRACY: I smell smoke. Put that out, whoever the hell you are.
LARRY: Do you mind? I'm getting my zen on!
TRACY: DAMMIT! Larry Ashton, what are you doing on MY spa getaway?
LARRY: What is ANYBODY doing on a spa getaway, Tracy? I'm clearing my mind and trying to put my days of con artistry and skullduggery behind me.
TRACY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Like THAT'S ever gonna happen!
LARRY: My mind is cleansed, Tracy. Ex-husbands just wanna have fun!
OUTSIDE ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
MOLLY: I'll see you back at the dorms, TJ
KRISTINA: Where NO SEX WILL EVER HAPPEN!
TJ: What the HELL?
MOLLY: Kristina's just mad because she's flunking out of school.
TJ: I'm staying out of this sister warfare. Catch you later, Molls.
METROCOURT
TJ: Uncle Curtis! Long time, no see, man!
CURTIS: TJ! You an actual grown man now!
JORDAN: So you noticed?
CURTIS: Sorry I've been AWOL in your life, man. What you studyin' in college?
TJ: Pre-Med. I decided five minutes ago I want to be a doctor. You know, since that brain surgeon Patrick left, there aren't a whole lot of halfway decent doctors at GH, so I should have no problem finding a job here. I hear this guy Lucas had a two week internship and now he's the real thing.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: Nikolas, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? (to herself) Since when are my kids SUCH IMBECILES?
NIKOLAS: I love Hayden. She loves me. We're getting married. Any questions?
LAURA: She's a liar with HIGHLY flammable pants, Nikolas. You'd better have the fire extinguisher at the ready!
NIKOLAS: I'll consider myself warned, mother.
LAURA: Does she know you tried to...take care of her, Cassadine style?
HAYDEN: It's going to be so great having you for a mother-in-law, Laura. I hope you're not one of THOSE mother-in-laws like you see in pretty much every family movie ever made.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
ALEXIS: So, girls, we are planning my wedding and it's going to be at an actual church. Isn't that CRAZY?
MOLLY: So you actually know what one is?
KRISTINA: Can you recite The Lord's Prayer?
ALEXIS: Fine, so I'm a known atheist marrying in a church just for kicks. So sue me. Wanna be my maids of honor, girls?
KRISTINA & MOLLY: Sure!
MOLLY: We know Krissy will be around, right?
KRISTINA: (sticks tongue out at Molly) MYOB, Molly!
JULIAN: I'd like to call a pre-emptive moratorium on catfights.
ALEXIS: Sisters will be sisters.
JULIAN: Let's have sex.
ALEXIS: Twist MY arm!
SPA
TRACY: There's something to be said for finding one's zen.
LARRY: Hear hear!
TRACY: (phone rings) Let's put that zen on hold for just one moment. (over phone) Hello?
HAYDEN: (over phone) You're talking to the next Mrs. Nikolas Cassadine
TRACY: Well done, Haychel. Well done! Don't worry. Once you're done snagging ELQ for me, you can get a quickie divorce. Gotta go. My zen awaits.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Jason's Fake Birthday
That was one delicious-looking cake for a birthday that's not really a birthday. Carly wants to surprise Jason by celebrating the day he became Jason Morgan back in the 1990s, but Sam's not buying into the idea. While Sonny tells his sons to stand by their women, Dante tells Lulu their marriage is too broken to fix. Nikolas declares his love for Hayden, who's got all the guilt feels for what she and Tracy are trying to do to ELQ.
METROCOURT
CARLY: Do you know what today is? It's Jason's birthday!
SAM: I believe I know when my husband's birthday is, Carly.
CARLY: Okay, it's not his REAL birthday, but it is the day he woke up from being smashed into a tree by loser AJ and became Jason Morgan.
SAM: So you want to give Jason a fake birthday party?
CARLY: Not a fake party, just a fake birthday. The party's for real. What do you think?
SAM: Um, NO!
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: You think I did it, didn't you? You think I stalked my own son AND MYSELF!
JASON: Sam is the Teller of Truths, Elizabeth. You, on the other hand are the Teller of Lies.
LIZ: But...but...I just told ONE BIG LIE for SEVEN MONTHS. It's not like all my lies last that long.
JASON: You should really invest in flame-retardant pants.
SONNY'S GYM
SONNY: You boys need to stand by your women. Michael, you gotta go find Sabrina and get her away from that Rivera creep. Dante, you gotta get your ass back together with Lulu.
DANTE: But Lulu almost had Valerie KILLED! Her OWN COUSIN! If it weren't for Zacchara taking the rap for her, she'd be on her way to P-Ville for about 15 years right now.
SONNY: Lulu screwed the pooch big-time, son, but she ain't got nothin' on all the times me and Carly screwed up. Do I need to make a list of all those times, Dante?
DANTE: Look, I screwed up first by banging Cousin Val, but at least I didn't try to have somebody killed!
MICHAEL: Look, Dad, you got a point, but Sabs is gone. She and Carrrrrrrrrrlos could be holed up in Timbuktu for all I know.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
LULU: Mom, I've made a ginormous mess and almost killed my cousin! Whatever am I going to do?
LAURA: You almost had Valerie KILLED? OMG, Lulu, you are OUT OF CONTROL!
LULU: But I did save her from a burning building...AFTER my plan with Johnny went awry and he tied her to a chair and she knocked over a candle.
LAURA: You're going to have to repent really hard for this one, Lulu.
LULU: Dante will NEVER forgive me! I'm DEAD TO HIM! And once you're dead to a Corinthos...it's not like being just plain dead. You can come back from that in this town.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Hayden, I think I love you, but what am I so afraid of?
HAYDEN: I don't know about you, but I'm afraid I can't be sure of a love there is no cure for.
NIKOLAS: But isn't that what life is made of, Hayden? Taking a chance on love? I mean, if you change your mind, I'm the first in line.
HAYDEN: Honey, I know you're still free, but do you really want to take a chance on me?
NIKOLAS: You know, it's a beautiful night and I'm looking for something dumb to do, so baby, I think I want to marry you.
HAYDEN: I really need some shots of Patron right now.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: Why did Daddy leave me again?
LIZ: He didn't leave you, Jake. He left me.
JAKE: I want my daddy! When he's not here, I feel like drawing pictures of blood and guns and knives and bombs.
LIZ: I have a better idea, Jake. Why don't you trade in those crayons for some watercolors and paint the wind?
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
LULU: Dante! Did you change your mind? Am I still DEAD TO YOU or am I undead?
DANTE: Look, Lulu, we both came in like a wrecking ball and obliterated our marriage. I slept with Valerie. You sicced a dangerous mobster fugitive on her. We blew it all to smithereens, Lulu. There's nothing left.
LULU: But we can gather up all those smithereens and glue them together with Krazy Glue!
DANTE: Ever seen something that's shattered that's glued back together and looks anything REMOTELY like it's supposed to? Our marriage is WAY beyond Krazy Glue.
LULU: But...But...
METROCOURT
CARLY: Happy Birthday, Jason! SURPRISE! I even got you a cake!
JASON: I may not remember much, but I KNOW I was born in a month that is not January.
CARLY: But you're SPECIAL, Jason. You have more than one birthday. Sure, there's the anniversary of the day you were pulled out of your mother's hoo-ha, but there's also the day you woke up as Jason Morgan.
JASON: I think I just lost my appetite.
CARLY: The point is, YOU. ARE. JASON. MORGAN. You were born January 22, 1996. Get used to it.
JASON: That makes me 20, Carly. Not even old enough to order a beer.
CARLY: Fine, reject your fake birthday. But you can still eat the cake if you want.
SAM: Don't feel pressured to remember stuff like fake birthdays, Jason. Hell, you don't even have to remember your real one if you don't want to.
JASON: I just had a totally lucid memory of me having all the love feels for you, Sam.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LAURA: Have you figured out who Jake's Mystery Creeper is yet?
LIZ: Jason thinks it was ME! Can you believe it? Stalking MY OWN CHILD? Just because SAM thinks I broke into my own house and smashed my own picture frame doesn't mean I'm unhinged enough to scare the crap out of my own kid.
LAURA: You and Lulu should really have a glass of wine and commiserate.
METROCOURT
CARLY: Do you know what today is? It's Jason's birthday!
SAM: I believe I know when my husband's birthday is, Carly.
CARLY: Okay, it's not his REAL birthday, but it is the day he woke up from being smashed into a tree by loser AJ and became Jason Morgan.
SAM: So you want to give Jason a fake birthday party?
CARLY: Not a fake party, just a fake birthday. The party's for real. What do you think?
SAM: Um, NO!
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: You think I did it, didn't you? You think I stalked my own son AND MYSELF!
JASON: Sam is the Teller of Truths, Elizabeth. You, on the other hand are the Teller of Lies.
LIZ: But...but...I just told ONE BIG LIE for SEVEN MONTHS. It's not like all my lies last that long.
JASON: You should really invest in flame-retardant pants.
SONNY'S GYM
SONNY: You boys need to stand by your women. Michael, you gotta go find Sabrina and get her away from that Rivera creep. Dante, you gotta get your ass back together with Lulu.
DANTE: But Lulu almost had Valerie KILLED! Her OWN COUSIN! If it weren't for Zacchara taking the rap for her, she'd be on her way to P-Ville for about 15 years right now.
SONNY: Lulu screwed the pooch big-time, son, but she ain't got nothin' on all the times me and Carly screwed up. Do I need to make a list of all those times, Dante?
DANTE: Look, I screwed up first by banging Cousin Val, but at least I didn't try to have somebody killed!
MICHAEL: Look, Dad, you got a point, but Sabs is gone. She and Carrrrrrrrrrlos could be holed up in Timbuktu for all I know.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
LULU: Mom, I've made a ginormous mess and almost killed my cousin! Whatever am I going to do?
LAURA: You almost had Valerie KILLED? OMG, Lulu, you are OUT OF CONTROL!
LULU: But I did save her from a burning building...AFTER my plan with Johnny went awry and he tied her to a chair and she knocked over a candle.
LAURA: You're going to have to repent really hard for this one, Lulu.
LULU: Dante will NEVER forgive me! I'm DEAD TO HIM! And once you're dead to a Corinthos...it's not like being just plain dead. You can come back from that in this town.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Hayden, I think I love you, but what am I so afraid of?
HAYDEN: I don't know about you, but I'm afraid I can't be sure of a love there is no cure for.
NIKOLAS: But isn't that what life is made of, Hayden? Taking a chance on love? I mean, if you change your mind, I'm the first in line.
HAYDEN: Honey, I know you're still free, but do you really want to take a chance on me?
NIKOLAS: You know, it's a beautiful night and I'm looking for something dumb to do, so baby, I think I want to marry you.
HAYDEN: I really need some shots of Patron right now.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: Why did Daddy leave me again?
LIZ: He didn't leave you, Jake. He left me.
JAKE: I want my daddy! When he's not here, I feel like drawing pictures of blood and guns and knives and bombs.
LIZ: I have a better idea, Jake. Why don't you trade in those crayons for some watercolors and paint the wind?
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
LULU: Dante! Did you change your mind? Am I still DEAD TO YOU or am I undead?
DANTE: Look, Lulu, we both came in like a wrecking ball and obliterated our marriage. I slept with Valerie. You sicced a dangerous mobster fugitive on her. We blew it all to smithereens, Lulu. There's nothing left.
LULU: But we can gather up all those smithereens and glue them together with Krazy Glue!
DANTE: Ever seen something that's shattered that's glued back together and looks anything REMOTELY like it's supposed to? Our marriage is WAY beyond Krazy Glue.
LULU: But...But...
METROCOURT
CARLY: Happy Birthday, Jason! SURPRISE! I even got you a cake!
JASON: I may not remember much, but I KNOW I was born in a month that is not January.
CARLY: But you're SPECIAL, Jason. You have more than one birthday. Sure, there's the anniversary of the day you were pulled out of your mother's hoo-ha, but there's also the day you woke up as Jason Morgan.
JASON: I think I just lost my appetite.
CARLY: The point is, YOU. ARE. JASON. MORGAN. You were born January 22, 1996. Get used to it.
JASON: That makes me 20, Carly. Not even old enough to order a beer.
CARLY: Fine, reject your fake birthday. But you can still eat the cake if you want.
SAM: Don't feel pressured to remember stuff like fake birthdays, Jason. Hell, you don't even have to remember your real one if you don't want to.
JASON: I just had a totally lucid memory of me having all the love feels for you, Sam.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LAURA: Have you figured out who Jake's Mystery Creeper is yet?
LIZ: Jason thinks it was ME! Can you believe it? Stalking MY OWN CHILD? Just because SAM thinks I broke into my own house and smashed my own picture frame doesn't mean I'm unhinged enough to scare the crap out of my own kid.
LAURA: You and Lulu should really have a glass of wine and commiserate.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Dr. NOT Okay
Patrick Drake is a tough act to follow, especially in the eyes (and legs) of Sonny Corinthos. The first doc Sonny saw in the post-Patrick era was a Doc Martin/House type with no bedside manner. The second one was a reality TV doc who calls himself Dr. OK. Sonny wants a neurologist who's more than just OK. Carly asks a favor of Ava. Sam accuses Liz of faking Jake's Mystery Creeper. Hayden pays Curtis what she owes him. Jordan lets Nikolas know that Jason's off the hook.
HOSPITAL
CARLY: What do you MEAN you already saw Avery and already had your doctor's appointment? Where was I? Oh yeah...stuck in a meeting with the Mayor from Hell.
SONNY: You didn't miss much, Carly. The visit with Avery was over two seconds after it started because the human stopwatch was on patrol about three feet away from me. As for the doctor, anyone who name-drops and calls themselves Dr. OK is NOT OK in my book.
CARLY: Dr. OK is your doctor? Was there a film crew?
SONNY: He ain't goin' anywhere NEAR me and my healin' spinal cord.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: I'd forgotten how much fun Le Petit Mort with you is.
NIKOLAS: And here you said you faked your memory loss...
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: Sam's here to help us, Elizabeth. She's investigating Jake's Mystery Creeper.
LIZ: I don't need no stinkin' PI rummaging through my stuff. She's not going to find anything the cops didn't. Grandpa Cop was very thorough.
SAM: Funny thing how this supposed Mystery Creeper just entered the house by osmosis. Do you believe in osmosis, Elizabeth? Was this intruder who terrorized your son one of those shape-shifting aliens or did he OR SHE use Jedi mind tricks to walk through doors.
LIZ: Get lost, Sam.
JAKE: You heard my mom! Scram Sam!
HOSPITAL
SONNY: How many times do I have to tell you to stay out of da bizness, Morgan?
MORGAN: So I was on the pier? I needed fresh air to take my meds, which still totally suck, by the way. When do they stop sucking?
SONNY: Your shrink's still workin' on getting the dose right, son. But someday, when you least expect it, you'll start getting real emotions again.
MORGAN: My life lacks purpose.
SONNY: I have a purpose for you. Count coffee beans.
MORGAN: I guess...
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
CURTIS: You got the dough?
HAYDEN: Here it is. Don't spend it all in one place.
CURTIS: Don't you wanna know who shot you?
HAYDEN: PFFFFFFT! I already knew that.
CURTIS: They why'd you pay me all this money to find out?
HAYDEN: Because you're kinda cute?
METROCOURT
CARLY: Ava, will you please, pretty please with a cherry, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles, hot fudge, and two extra scoops of ice cream on top, let me and Sonny have Avery for the weekend?
AVA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO!
KIKI: I will withhold my daughterly love.
AVA: Fine, I'll think about it.
HOSPITAL
MAX: Our ol' buddy Raj is running his shipments through Jerome Galleries.
SONNY: Come to papa, Avery!
WYNDEMERE
JORDAN: The charges have been dropped against Jason Morgan.
NIKOLAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAT??? He almost KILLED me!
JORDAN: A guy in a room with a view said you started the fight.
NIKOLAS: CRAP!
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: My expert opinion is that Jake's Mystery Creeper is none other than his own pathetic mother!
LIZ: Helena was right, Sam. You ARE a guttersnipe and the bastard of a bastard!
SAM: That's all you got, you insipid trollop?
JASON: Could the two of you just stop trading Helena Cassadine insults? It's creeping me out big-time.
LIZ: Jason, make her disappear!
SAM: Jason, wake up and smell the desperation.
JASON: You two ever thought of duking it out in Sonny's boxing ring?
KELLY'S
CURTIS: So, how's my nephew? The one you won't let me see!
JORDAN: Get lost, Curtis!
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Bad news. Jason's off the hook.
HAYDEN: Good news: You can still marry me.
METROCOURT
MORGAN: Got a job counting beans for my dad.
KIKI: Congrats! We both have actual jobs now. Isn't that wild?
HOSPITAL
CARLY: What do you MEAN you already saw Avery and already had your doctor's appointment? Where was I? Oh yeah...stuck in a meeting with the Mayor from Hell.
SONNY: You didn't miss much, Carly. The visit with Avery was over two seconds after it started because the human stopwatch was on patrol about three feet away from me. As for the doctor, anyone who name-drops and calls themselves Dr. OK is NOT OK in my book.
CARLY: Dr. OK is your doctor? Was there a film crew?
SONNY: He ain't goin' anywhere NEAR me and my healin' spinal cord.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: I'd forgotten how much fun Le Petit Mort with you is.
NIKOLAS: And here you said you faked your memory loss...
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: Sam's here to help us, Elizabeth. She's investigating Jake's Mystery Creeper.
LIZ: I don't need no stinkin' PI rummaging through my stuff. She's not going to find anything the cops didn't. Grandpa Cop was very thorough.
SAM: Funny thing how this supposed Mystery Creeper just entered the house by osmosis. Do you believe in osmosis, Elizabeth? Was this intruder who terrorized your son one of those shape-shifting aliens or did he OR SHE use Jedi mind tricks to walk through doors.
LIZ: Get lost, Sam.
JAKE: You heard my mom! Scram Sam!
HOSPITAL
SONNY: How many times do I have to tell you to stay out of da bizness, Morgan?
MORGAN: So I was on the pier? I needed fresh air to take my meds, which still totally suck, by the way. When do they stop sucking?
SONNY: Your shrink's still workin' on getting the dose right, son. But someday, when you least expect it, you'll start getting real emotions again.
MORGAN: My life lacks purpose.
SONNY: I have a purpose for you. Count coffee beans.
MORGAN: I guess...
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
CURTIS: You got the dough?
HAYDEN: Here it is. Don't spend it all in one place.
CURTIS: Don't you wanna know who shot you?
HAYDEN: PFFFFFFT! I already knew that.
CURTIS: They why'd you pay me all this money to find out?
HAYDEN: Because you're kinda cute?
METROCOURT
CARLY: Ava, will you please, pretty please with a cherry, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles, hot fudge, and two extra scoops of ice cream on top, let me and Sonny have Avery for the weekend?
AVA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO!
KIKI: I will withhold my daughterly love.
AVA: Fine, I'll think about it.
HOSPITAL
MAX: Our ol' buddy Raj is running his shipments through Jerome Galleries.
SONNY: Come to papa, Avery!
WYNDEMERE
JORDAN: The charges have been dropped against Jason Morgan.
NIKOLAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAT??? He almost KILLED me!
JORDAN: A guy in a room with a view said you started the fight.
NIKOLAS: CRAP!
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: My expert opinion is that Jake's Mystery Creeper is none other than his own pathetic mother!
LIZ: Helena was right, Sam. You ARE a guttersnipe and the bastard of a bastard!
SAM: That's all you got, you insipid trollop?
JASON: Could the two of you just stop trading Helena Cassadine insults? It's creeping me out big-time.
LIZ: Jason, make her disappear!
SAM: Jason, wake up and smell the desperation.
JASON: You two ever thought of duking it out in Sonny's boxing ring?
KELLY'S
CURTIS: So, how's my nephew? The one you won't let me see!
JORDAN: Get lost, Curtis!
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Bad news. Jason's off the hook.
HAYDEN: Good news: You can still marry me.
METROCOURT
MORGAN: Got a job counting beans for my dad.
KIKI: Congrats! We both have actual jobs now. Isn't that wild?
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Franco Gets Results.
Dr. Collins and Jake's kiddie shrink recommend that Jake undergo art therapy with Franco, much to Liz's surprise. Alexis comes to Olivia's aid at the PCPD. Julian leaves Nina on her own for the interview about Crimson's future. Jason hires Sam to investigate Jake's Mystery Creeper. Carrrrrrrrrrlos is upset when he sees Sabrina on the phone with Felix. Andre Maddox, Robert, and Anna come up with a plan to locate Carrrrrrrrrrlos and Sabrina.
PCPD
ALEXIS: What happened?
OLIVIA: Our mayor is a big meanie who wants my baby to starve, that's what happened!
MAYOR LOMAX: Ms. Falconeri tried to flash me, then she verbally attacked me!
ALEXIS: Olivia, you'd better count your lucky stars I'm a card-carrying feminist who will defend to the death the right of a woman to breastfeed in public.
HOSPITAL
DR. COLLINS: Are you sure YOU don't need to see a shrink too, Elizabeth? I mean you had a kid return from the dead, a marriage called off, and a mysterious home invasion.
LIZ: That's just a year in the life of Elizabeth Webber, Dr. Collins. I'm totally sane.
DR. COLLINS: Well, just in case life dumps a crate of lemons on your head and you're out of sugar to make lemonade, there's no shame in paying another visit to Shadybrook.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ROBERT: Wait, Andre, how do you and Anner know each othah?
ANNA: He was my shrink when I was being stalked by the ghost of Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos.
DR. MADDOX: She said it.
ROBERT: Now that we're all acquainted, let's put our heads togethah and find Cahlos and Sabriner.
METROCOURT
JASON: Sorry Jake was being a brat to you. Can you believe he actually thought YOU broke in and smashed the picture? I don't know WHERE that kid's head is at. I hope his shrink can figure it out.
SAM: You need to hire a P.I, namely ME to figure out who's targeting Elizabeth's house. Could it be one of your old enemies?
JASON: Like I remember who they are! Besides, I don't live with Elizabeth anymore. Seven months of lies, remember?
SAM: Well, there's Franco, but he had his psychotic tumor removed and doesn't give a crap about you anymore. No offense.
JASON: None taken, believe me.
CRIMSON OFFICE
BRADY: Hi, I'm Brady, the reporter who will be interviewing you and Mr. Jerome about Crimson's amazing turnaround.
NINA: Brady as in the Patriots' quarterback or Brady as in the Bunch?
BRADY: Both, actually. So, Ms. Reeves, what made you decide to go green?
NINA: Like, DUH! The environment, silly! Everybody's going green these days. We HAVE to stop global warming or it will be, like 70 degrees on Christmas!
BRADY: How will you continue to shock and awe the Crimson readership?
NINA: Mirrors! The next issue is going to be printed on REFLECTIVE PAPER so the readers will see THEMSELVES on the pages of Crimson! Is that genius or what? Also, more ads for lemon-lime effervescent Alka-Seltzer because it's green and all of our readers are effervescent.
PCPD
JULIAN: You know, Mayor Lomax, your backward stance on a woman's right to breastfeed is going to get you some seriously crappy press. I should know. I AM the press.
MAYOR LOMAX: I smell a threat.
LEO: (translated from Baby) I'm still HANGRY! Where the hell are we anyway? Why are there cops? Have I been arrested for screaming my head off and disturbing the peace?
OLVIA: If I don't feed my baby right now, HE WILL DIE!
COP: Fine. Where's his bottle. I'll feed him.
OLIVIA: You really wanna touch my boob, officer?
COP: If it helps feed a starving baby...
OLIVIA: Alexis, get the blanket. (Alexis puts blanket over Olivia's boob and Leo) See how I'm discreetly keeping the boob out of public view, Mayor Lomax?
MAYOR LOMAX: FINE! I'm dropping the charges.
ALEXIS: I'll see YOU in court because we're SUING!
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Hi Jake! How was therapy.
JAKE: Whatever.
LIZ: Go draw me a nice picture. Dr. Renault, how did it go with Jake.
DR. RENAULT: He rambled on very strangely about an island, an empress, some tedious unfortunates and vengeance, all the while giving me the creepiest glare. He needs to see Franco.
LIZ: Franco? Seriously?
DR. COLLINS: Art therapy might help him better express himself. Franco's an oddball, but he gets results.
FRANCO: Hey kid! How's the art coming?
JAKE: I drew something for you. What do you think.
FRANCO: I think you and my 8-year-old self will get along just fine.
CABIN WHERE CARRRRRRLOS AND SABRINA ARE STAYING
SABRINA: Slow down, Felix, Michael said WHAT? He made a mistake and wants me back? Anna's looking for me?
CARRRRRRRRRRLOS: Hang up the phone Querrrrrrrrrrrrrrida. We don't want anyone locating us.
ANNA'S HOUSE
DR. MADDOX: We need to determine where Carrrrrrrrrrlos took his pregnant girlfriend.
ANNA: He most likely fled the country, but not by plane, because Sabrina's about to pop.
DR. MADDOX: Seeing that he has great concern for Sabrina and the baby, he has to be hiding in some place not far from civilization.
ROBERT: He could have gone to eithah Toronto or Halifax, Nova Scotier.
ANNA: Toronto has good hospitals for when Sabrina goes into labor.
DR. MADDOX: Toronto's too big of a city and Sabrina would make too many friends there, being the social butterfly she seems to be. I say Nova Scotia.
ANNA: Fire up the teleporter. We are headed to Halifax.
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: I see no signs of forced entry
JASON: So the Mystery Creeper got in by osmosis?
SAM: Or, he OR SHE has a key.
LIZ: O to the MG! What are you guys doing here?
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: (on phone with Julian) You were at the police station? Public breasfteeding? Did you get a picture we can put on the cover of the next Crimson?
PCPD
ALEXIS: What happened?
OLIVIA: Our mayor is a big meanie who wants my baby to starve, that's what happened!
MAYOR LOMAX: Ms. Falconeri tried to flash me, then she verbally attacked me!
ALEXIS: Olivia, you'd better count your lucky stars I'm a card-carrying feminist who will defend to the death the right of a woman to breastfeed in public.
HOSPITAL
DR. COLLINS: Are you sure YOU don't need to see a shrink too, Elizabeth? I mean you had a kid return from the dead, a marriage called off, and a mysterious home invasion.
LIZ: That's just a year in the life of Elizabeth Webber, Dr. Collins. I'm totally sane.
DR. COLLINS: Well, just in case life dumps a crate of lemons on your head and you're out of sugar to make lemonade, there's no shame in paying another visit to Shadybrook.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ROBERT: Wait, Andre, how do you and Anner know each othah?
ANNA: He was my shrink when I was being stalked by the ghost of Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos.
DR. MADDOX: She said it.
ROBERT: Now that we're all acquainted, let's put our heads togethah and find Cahlos and Sabriner.
METROCOURT
JASON: Sorry Jake was being a brat to you. Can you believe he actually thought YOU broke in and smashed the picture? I don't know WHERE that kid's head is at. I hope his shrink can figure it out.
SAM: You need to hire a P.I, namely ME to figure out who's targeting Elizabeth's house. Could it be one of your old enemies?
JASON: Like I remember who they are! Besides, I don't live with Elizabeth anymore. Seven months of lies, remember?
SAM: Well, there's Franco, but he had his psychotic tumor removed and doesn't give a crap about you anymore. No offense.
JASON: None taken, believe me.
CRIMSON OFFICE
BRADY: Hi, I'm Brady, the reporter who will be interviewing you and Mr. Jerome about Crimson's amazing turnaround.
NINA: Brady as in the Patriots' quarterback or Brady as in the Bunch?
BRADY: Both, actually. So, Ms. Reeves, what made you decide to go green?
NINA: Like, DUH! The environment, silly! Everybody's going green these days. We HAVE to stop global warming or it will be, like 70 degrees on Christmas!
BRADY: How will you continue to shock and awe the Crimson readership?
NINA: Mirrors! The next issue is going to be printed on REFLECTIVE PAPER so the readers will see THEMSELVES on the pages of Crimson! Is that genius or what? Also, more ads for lemon-lime effervescent Alka-Seltzer because it's green and all of our readers are effervescent.
PCPD
JULIAN: You know, Mayor Lomax, your backward stance on a woman's right to breastfeed is going to get you some seriously crappy press. I should know. I AM the press.
MAYOR LOMAX: I smell a threat.
LEO: (translated from Baby) I'm still HANGRY! Where the hell are we anyway? Why are there cops? Have I been arrested for screaming my head off and disturbing the peace?
OLVIA: If I don't feed my baby right now, HE WILL DIE!
COP: Fine. Where's his bottle. I'll feed him.
OLIVIA: You really wanna touch my boob, officer?
COP: If it helps feed a starving baby...
OLIVIA: Alexis, get the blanket. (Alexis puts blanket over Olivia's boob and Leo) See how I'm discreetly keeping the boob out of public view, Mayor Lomax?
MAYOR LOMAX: FINE! I'm dropping the charges.
ALEXIS: I'll see YOU in court because we're SUING!
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Hi Jake! How was therapy.
JAKE: Whatever.
LIZ: Go draw me a nice picture. Dr. Renault, how did it go with Jake.
DR. RENAULT: He rambled on very strangely about an island, an empress, some tedious unfortunates and vengeance, all the while giving me the creepiest glare. He needs to see Franco.
LIZ: Franco? Seriously?
DR. COLLINS: Art therapy might help him better express himself. Franco's an oddball, but he gets results.
FRANCO: Hey kid! How's the art coming?
JAKE: I drew something for you. What do you think.
FRANCO: I think you and my 8-year-old self will get along just fine.
CABIN WHERE CARRRRRRLOS AND SABRINA ARE STAYING
SABRINA: Slow down, Felix, Michael said WHAT? He made a mistake and wants me back? Anna's looking for me?
CARRRRRRRRRRLOS: Hang up the phone Querrrrrrrrrrrrrrida. We don't want anyone locating us.
ANNA'S HOUSE
DR. MADDOX: We need to determine where Carrrrrrrrrrlos took his pregnant girlfriend.
ANNA: He most likely fled the country, but not by plane, because Sabrina's about to pop.
DR. MADDOX: Seeing that he has great concern for Sabrina and the baby, he has to be hiding in some place not far from civilization.
ROBERT: He could have gone to eithah Toronto or Halifax, Nova Scotier.
ANNA: Toronto has good hospitals for when Sabrina goes into labor.
DR. MADDOX: Toronto's too big of a city and Sabrina would make too many friends there, being the social butterfly she seems to be. I say Nova Scotia.
ANNA: Fire up the teleporter. We are headed to Halifax.
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: I see no signs of forced entry
JASON: So the Mystery Creeper got in by osmosis?
SAM: Or, he OR SHE has a key.
LIZ: O to the MG! What are you guys doing here?
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: (on phone with Julian) You were at the police station? Public breasfteeding? Did you get a picture we can put on the cover of the next Crimson?
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Art, Sex, and Money
Paul and Ava's sordid relationship boils down to those three things, in their own words, as they do the deed in the presence of a provocative painting. Valerie (correctly) accuses Lulu and Johnny of setting her up. Johnny takes issue with his legal representation. Dante becomes even more disenchanted with Lulu. Olivia mouths off to Mayor Lomax. Anna is none too thrilled with Robert's advice about how to take down Paul. Andre Maddox is impressed by Jordan's handling of the Johnny-Valerie situation.
OUTSIDE CABIN
VALERIE: Hey CUZ, thanks for saving my life AFTER being the reason I was in that death trap in the first place!
LULU: Passive-aggressive much, Valerie?
VALERIE: Let's see...wanted fugitive targets RANDOM cadet just for funzies, then makes said cadet drive him out to the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE to an abandoned shack, ties her to a chair, puts a candle at the edge of a table and TAKES OFF FOR PARTS UNKNOWN? Then, said cadet's cousin who hates her guts JUST HAPPENS to show up at said abandoned shack just in time to save her from ROASTING OVER AN OPEN FIRE?!?
LULU: That's the thanks I get for SAVING YOUR SORRY LIFE, you hubby-stealing SLUT!
VALERIE: Listen, SHREW-LU, you're lucky I'm not a real cop or your ass would be on its way to the SLAMMER for harboring a fugitive, among other things.
PCPD
NATHAN: Look who I found.
JORDAN: If it isn't the man of the hour. Tell me Mr. Zacchara, where's Valerie?
JOHNNY: Where's my lawyer?
SCOTT: I have to represent HIM???
JOHNNY: No way in HELL is Sonic The Hedgehog repping me!
JORDAN: Just tell me where my cadet is and save me the trouble of having to interrogate all your nearest and dearest, like Ms. Jones over there.
MAXIE: Me? I turned his ass in!
JOHNNY: Yeah, she kinda did. Don't worry, Maxie. I still love ya and your little girl too!
METROCOURT
AVA: Which way to baby yoga?
OLIVIA: Sorry, Ava, but no Crypt Babies allowed.
AVA: That's discrimination!
OLIVIA: It's my hotel.
AVA: Try and stop my little Avery from her Downward Dog. I dare ya.
PAUL: Thank you for meeting me here, Janice.
MAYOR LOMAX: Anytime, Paul Hornsby, anytime. How do you like my new look?
PAUL: It's like you're a completely different person.
ANNA: Crooked D.A. at three o'clock
ROBERT: Said crooked D.A. is checking you out.
ANNA: EW! Make me lose my appetite, why don't you!
OUTSIDE CABIN
LULU: TRAMP!
VALERIE: PRIMA DONNA BITCH! (slaps Lulu)
LULU: (slaps Valerie back) WORST. COUSIN. EVER.
VALERIE: LOOK IN THE MIRROR! (catfight breaks out)
DANTE: Itchy! Scratchy! Do I need to throw a bucket of water on the two of you?
LULU: YOUR MISTRESS tried to choke me!
VALERIE: YOUR WIFE tried to kill me!
LULU: I saved her sorry LIFE!
DANTE: Lulu, you are DEAD TO ME! Valerie, tell me your side of the story.
LULU: Boo hoo!
VALERIE: You know that guy who fixed my car? How was I supposed to know he was a wanted fugitive??? When he heard the BOLO on my scanner, he freaked and stashed me in this cabin and put a candle on the table where it could EASILY BE KNOCKED OVER! After all, candles are handy plot devices in this town and plot device candles are all the easier to knock over and start a RAGING FIRE! Lulu knew EXACTLY where to find me because Zacchara texted her, you know, BEING IN CAHOOTS AND ALL. So she pulled me out of the burning cabin and thinks she's a hero now when she's PART OF THE REASON I WAS ON THE VERGE OF ROASTING LIKE A MARSHMALLOW IN THE FIRST PLACE.
METROCOURT
PAUL: How's my smokin' hot special agent doing today? Dining with the ex, I see.
ROBERT: Hello, Hornsby.
PAUL: (faking an Aussie accent) Crikey! It's Crocodile Dundee, SuperSpy!
ANNA: Save the flattery, Paul. Say, have you heard from Kyle Sloane lately?
MAYOR LOMAX: Did you just try to flash me, Ms. Falconeri?
OLIVIA: When a kid's gotta eat, a kid's gotta eat!
MAYOR LOMAX: Indecent exposure much?
OLIVIA: It's MY restaurant and MY boob and MY infant son is crying out in hunger.
LEO: (translated from Baby) Mean mayor lady won't let me eat! I'm HANGRY, Mayor! HANGRY!
MAYOR LOMAX: Security!
OLIVIA: A lot of good my breast milk is going to do sitting in the slammer.
PAUL'S ROOM
AVA: I brought you something. (gives giant NSFW painting to Paul)
PAUL: Now THAT'S some painting!
AVA: It's so SENSUAL! So RAW!
PAUL: You sexy painting you! Come on, Mobster Mama! Let's have a menage-et-trois. You, me, and that hot piece of art!
PAINTING: Thanks, but no thanks.
AVA: You're in luck! Using gun-running coin to buy aphrodisiac artwork is really turning me on.
PAINTING: Cover me, please! I feel like such a voyeur!
PCPD
DR. MADDOX: Well done, Commissioner Ashford! I totally forgive you for letting Date #3 completely slip your mind.
JORDAN: I'm sorry, Andre. We're going to have to take a raincheck on Date #3, but I'm loving that Power Elephant. There's some seriously good karma flowing from that thing.
DR. MADDOX: If you like it that much, I should have brought you two of them.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ROBERT: Ol' Hornsby's got it bad for ya, Anner! We can use that to our advantage.
ANNA: Ew, NO! I have to take a shower now!
ROBERT: C'mon, Anner! You handle Hornsby and I'll handle Cahlos and Sabriner.
ANNA: It's Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos,Robert. You have to roll the R for at least 10 seconds.
ROBERT: You say Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos, I say CAH-los. Potato PoTAH-to.
DR. MADDOX: We have to stop running into each other like this, Ms. Devane.
ROBERT: G'day mate! You and Anner have met?
OUTSIDE CABIN
VALERIE: Hey CUZ, thanks for saving my life AFTER being the reason I was in that death trap in the first place!
LULU: Passive-aggressive much, Valerie?
VALERIE: Let's see...wanted fugitive targets RANDOM cadet just for funzies, then makes said cadet drive him out to the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE to an abandoned shack, ties her to a chair, puts a candle at the edge of a table and TAKES OFF FOR PARTS UNKNOWN? Then, said cadet's cousin who hates her guts JUST HAPPENS to show up at said abandoned shack just in time to save her from ROASTING OVER AN OPEN FIRE?!?
LULU: That's the thanks I get for SAVING YOUR SORRY LIFE, you hubby-stealing SLUT!
VALERIE: Listen, SHREW-LU, you're lucky I'm not a real cop or your ass would be on its way to the SLAMMER for harboring a fugitive, among other things.
PCPD
NATHAN: Look who I found.
JORDAN: If it isn't the man of the hour. Tell me Mr. Zacchara, where's Valerie?
JOHNNY: Where's my lawyer?
SCOTT: I have to represent HIM???
JOHNNY: No way in HELL is Sonic The Hedgehog repping me!
JORDAN: Just tell me where my cadet is and save me the trouble of having to interrogate all your nearest and dearest, like Ms. Jones over there.
MAXIE: Me? I turned his ass in!
JOHNNY: Yeah, she kinda did. Don't worry, Maxie. I still love ya and your little girl too!
METROCOURT
AVA: Which way to baby yoga?
OLIVIA: Sorry, Ava, but no Crypt Babies allowed.
AVA: That's discrimination!
OLIVIA: It's my hotel.
AVA: Try and stop my little Avery from her Downward Dog. I dare ya.
PAUL: Thank you for meeting me here, Janice.
MAYOR LOMAX: Anytime, Paul Hornsby, anytime. How do you like my new look?
PAUL: It's like you're a completely different person.
ANNA: Crooked D.A. at three o'clock
ROBERT: Said crooked D.A. is checking you out.
ANNA: EW! Make me lose my appetite, why don't you!
OUTSIDE CABIN
LULU: TRAMP!
VALERIE: PRIMA DONNA BITCH! (slaps Lulu)
LULU: (slaps Valerie back) WORST. COUSIN. EVER.
VALERIE: LOOK IN THE MIRROR! (catfight breaks out)
DANTE: Itchy! Scratchy! Do I need to throw a bucket of water on the two of you?
LULU: YOUR MISTRESS tried to choke me!
VALERIE: YOUR WIFE tried to kill me!
LULU: I saved her sorry LIFE!
DANTE: Lulu, you are DEAD TO ME! Valerie, tell me your side of the story.
LULU: Boo hoo!
VALERIE: You know that guy who fixed my car? How was I supposed to know he was a wanted fugitive??? When he heard the BOLO on my scanner, he freaked and stashed me in this cabin and put a candle on the table where it could EASILY BE KNOCKED OVER! After all, candles are handy plot devices in this town and plot device candles are all the easier to knock over and start a RAGING FIRE! Lulu knew EXACTLY where to find me because Zacchara texted her, you know, BEING IN CAHOOTS AND ALL. So she pulled me out of the burning cabin and thinks she's a hero now when she's PART OF THE REASON I WAS ON THE VERGE OF ROASTING LIKE A MARSHMALLOW IN THE FIRST PLACE.
METROCOURT
PAUL: How's my smokin' hot special agent doing today? Dining with the ex, I see.
ROBERT: Hello, Hornsby.
PAUL: (faking an Aussie accent) Crikey! It's Crocodile Dundee, SuperSpy!
ANNA: Save the flattery, Paul. Say, have you heard from Kyle Sloane lately?
MAYOR LOMAX: Did you just try to flash me, Ms. Falconeri?
OLIVIA: When a kid's gotta eat, a kid's gotta eat!
MAYOR LOMAX: Indecent exposure much?
OLIVIA: It's MY restaurant and MY boob and MY infant son is crying out in hunger.
LEO: (translated from Baby) Mean mayor lady won't let me eat! I'm HANGRY, Mayor! HANGRY!
MAYOR LOMAX: Security!
OLIVIA: A lot of good my breast milk is going to do sitting in the slammer.
PAUL'S ROOM
AVA: I brought you something. (gives giant NSFW painting to Paul)
PAUL: Now THAT'S some painting!
AVA: It's so SENSUAL! So RAW!
PAUL: You sexy painting you! Come on, Mobster Mama! Let's have a menage-et-trois. You, me, and that hot piece of art!
PAINTING: Thanks, but no thanks.
AVA: You're in luck! Using gun-running coin to buy aphrodisiac artwork is really turning me on.
PAINTING: Cover me, please! I feel like such a voyeur!
PCPD
DR. MADDOX: Well done, Commissioner Ashford! I totally forgive you for letting Date #3 completely slip your mind.
JORDAN: I'm sorry, Andre. We're going to have to take a raincheck on Date #3, but I'm loving that Power Elephant. There's some seriously good karma flowing from that thing.
DR. MADDOX: If you like it that much, I should have brought you two of them.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ROBERT: Ol' Hornsby's got it bad for ya, Anner! We can use that to our advantage.
ANNA: Ew, NO! I have to take a shower now!
ROBERT: C'mon, Anner! You handle Hornsby and I'll handle Cahlos and Sabriner.
ANNA: It's Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos,Robert. You have to roll the R for at least 10 seconds.
ROBERT: You say Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos, I say CAH-los. Potato PoTAH-to.
DR. MADDOX: We have to stop running into each other like this, Ms. Devane.
ROBERT: G'day mate! You and Anner have met?
Monday, January 18, 2016
Ring of Fire
Dum da dum da dum dum dum DUM! Dum da dum da dum dum dum DUM! Val is trapped in a burnin' ring of fire! Tied to a chair as the flames climbed higher! And it burns, burns, burns! That ring of fire! That ring of FIRE!
The heat is on Kristina when Sonny and Alexis ask her how school's going. Dante and Jordan are puzzled by Valerie's involvement with Johnny The Fugitive Zacchara. Jake badmouths Sam to Jason. Will Lulu rescue the cousin she despises from the flamin' cabin?
CABIN
VALERIE: MER FER! BERG FER! TER MERCH RERP! HERLP! HERLP!
FIRE: Yeah, good luck with that. I ain't gettin' any smaller and I'm comin' for ya, sister!
VALERIE: ER THERNK ERM GERNER PERS ERT!
PCPD
JORDAN: Valerie and Zacchara? What's up with that?
DANTE: Good question. How does she even KNOW the guy?
JORDAN: She's going to be facing a lot of heat for this.
LIZ'S HOTEL ROOM
SAM: This is cozy, Elizabeth. What are you doing in Jason's room?
LIZ: For your information, SAM, little Jake has a Mystery Creeper and we're hiding out.
JAKE: What's SPAM doing here?
JASON: Not cool, kid. Apologize or I'll have to take your toy motorcycle to the toy garage.
JAKE: (fingers crossed behind his back) Sorry. (to himself) Not sorry.
LIZ: That was very rude, Jake. (to herself) Why didn't I come up with that nickname? Since when was I outwitted by an 8-year-old?
METROCOURT
ALEXIS: So, Kristina, what courses are you taking this semester? How soon can I make you my law partner?
SONNY: And why did your school bounce my check? The money's 100% clean. Totally legit. I don't get it.
KRISTINA: Can I plead the fifth?
ALEXIS: OMG, you're in trouble.
SONNY: Have you been hangin' out with Johnny Zacchara?
KRISTINA: Look, there's Sam! See ya!
OUTSIDE CABIN
LULU: Johnny? Johnny? This SO isn't funny, Johnny! I smell smoke. OMG, JOHNNY'S ON FIRE! (runs into cabin) I'LL SAVE YOU JOHNNY! VALERIE? Should I save the life of the cousin I despise with every fiber of my being? VALERIE, WAKE UP SO I CAN SAVE YOUR HUBBY-STEALING ASS!
LIZ'S ROOM
JAKE: I don't like Sam. She's the bastard child of a bastard child. At least that's what The Empress of The Island said. She is trying to wreck our family!
JASON: Kid, you couldn't be more wrong about Sam. She is Truth Seeker Extraordinaire and a very good person. People tell me she's my wife.
JAKE: But she will bring nothing but darkness and tedious misery.
JASON: You're confused, buddy. I mean, you were trapped on some island for four years with a very bad person, so who can blame you?
JAKE: Do not speak ill of The Empress, daddy! May she rest in peace until she rises again.
PCPD
DANTE: Bobbie, has something been off about Valerie lately? Did you pick up the scent of one Johnny Zacchara on her?
BOBBIE: MY NIECE would NEVER associate with a man like Johnny Zacchara!
JORDAN: Yeah, about that...she's been seen with him and we have the pics to prove it.
DANTE: Johnny's missing. Valerie's missing. Something's rotten in the town of Port Chuckles.
BOBBIE: You must not know MY NIECE at all, Detective Falconeri! Find her! NOW!
CABIN
LULU: VALERIE!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SAVE YOUR STUPID LIFE IF YOU WON'T WAKE UP AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS CABIN????
VALERIE: Lulu? What are...FIRE!!! FIRE!!!!
LULU: So you noticed? We have to get out of her NOW!
METROCOURT
KRISTINA: You have to pinky-swear not to tell my parents that I've been suspended and I'm failing out of school.
SAM: Say WHAAAAAAT??? How did this happen? Aren't you supposed to be really smart and stuff?
KRISTINA: I broke up with my boyfriend, had a nervous breakdown, and forgot to go to class for the rest of the semester. I even tried to use my womanly wiles to get a passing grade so I wouldn't flunk out.
SAM: Tsk tsk tsk, Krissy! That is way too Sam McCall of you, using sex to get the professor to change your grade. Maybe I should tell mom what's going on after all. She's going to lawyer it out of me somehow anyway.
KRISTINA: You pinky swore!
SAM: Fine, but stay out of professors' beds.
LIZ'S HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: We have to do something, Jason. He's quoting Helena with shocking regularity!
JASON: Did you have his head scanned for mind control chips? The apple may not be falling too far from the tree, if you know what I mean.
LIZ: Maybe I'll just try taking him to a shrink first.
OUTSIDE CABIN
LULU: Crap, I left my keys and my phone in the cabin! Good thing I know how to pick a lock.
VALERIE: First I'm burning up. Now I'm freezing my ass off. I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!
The heat is on Kristina when Sonny and Alexis ask her how school's going. Dante and Jordan are puzzled by Valerie's involvement with Johnny The Fugitive Zacchara. Jake badmouths Sam to Jason. Will Lulu rescue the cousin she despises from the flamin' cabin?
CABIN
VALERIE: MER FER! BERG FER! TER MERCH RERP! HERLP! HERLP!
FIRE: Yeah, good luck with that. I ain't gettin' any smaller and I'm comin' for ya, sister!
VALERIE: ER THERNK ERM GERNER PERS ERT!
PCPD
JORDAN: Valerie and Zacchara? What's up with that?
DANTE: Good question. How does she even KNOW the guy?
JORDAN: She's going to be facing a lot of heat for this.
LIZ'S HOTEL ROOM
SAM: This is cozy, Elizabeth. What are you doing in Jason's room?
LIZ: For your information, SAM, little Jake has a Mystery Creeper and we're hiding out.
JAKE: What's SPAM doing here?
JASON: Not cool, kid. Apologize or I'll have to take your toy motorcycle to the toy garage.
JAKE: (fingers crossed behind his back) Sorry. (to himself) Not sorry.
LIZ: That was very rude, Jake. (to herself) Why didn't I come up with that nickname? Since when was I outwitted by an 8-year-old?
METROCOURT
ALEXIS: So, Kristina, what courses are you taking this semester? How soon can I make you my law partner?
SONNY: And why did your school bounce my check? The money's 100% clean. Totally legit. I don't get it.
KRISTINA: Can I plead the fifth?
ALEXIS: OMG, you're in trouble.
SONNY: Have you been hangin' out with Johnny Zacchara?
KRISTINA: Look, there's Sam! See ya!
OUTSIDE CABIN
LULU: Johnny? Johnny? This SO isn't funny, Johnny! I smell smoke. OMG, JOHNNY'S ON FIRE! (runs into cabin) I'LL SAVE YOU JOHNNY! VALERIE? Should I save the life of the cousin I despise with every fiber of my being? VALERIE, WAKE UP SO I CAN SAVE YOUR HUBBY-STEALING ASS!
LIZ'S ROOM
JAKE: I don't like Sam. She's the bastard child of a bastard child. At least that's what The Empress of The Island said. She is trying to wreck our family!
JASON: Kid, you couldn't be more wrong about Sam. She is Truth Seeker Extraordinaire and a very good person. People tell me she's my wife.
JAKE: But she will bring nothing but darkness and tedious misery.
JASON: You're confused, buddy. I mean, you were trapped on some island for four years with a very bad person, so who can blame you?
JAKE: Do not speak ill of The Empress, daddy! May she rest in peace until she rises again.
PCPD
DANTE: Bobbie, has something been off about Valerie lately? Did you pick up the scent of one Johnny Zacchara on her?
BOBBIE: MY NIECE would NEVER associate with a man like Johnny Zacchara!
JORDAN: Yeah, about that...she's been seen with him and we have the pics to prove it.
DANTE: Johnny's missing. Valerie's missing. Something's rotten in the town of Port Chuckles.
BOBBIE: You must not know MY NIECE at all, Detective Falconeri! Find her! NOW!
CABIN
LULU: VALERIE!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SAVE YOUR STUPID LIFE IF YOU WON'T WAKE UP AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS CABIN????
VALERIE: Lulu? What are...FIRE!!! FIRE!!!!
LULU: So you noticed? We have to get out of her NOW!
METROCOURT
KRISTINA: You have to pinky-swear not to tell my parents that I've been suspended and I'm failing out of school.
SAM: Say WHAAAAAAT??? How did this happen? Aren't you supposed to be really smart and stuff?
KRISTINA: I broke up with my boyfriend, had a nervous breakdown, and forgot to go to class for the rest of the semester. I even tried to use my womanly wiles to get a passing grade so I wouldn't flunk out.
SAM: Tsk tsk tsk, Krissy! That is way too Sam McCall of you, using sex to get the professor to change your grade. Maybe I should tell mom what's going on after all. She's going to lawyer it out of me somehow anyway.
KRISTINA: You pinky swore!
SAM: Fine, but stay out of professors' beds.
LIZ'S HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: We have to do something, Jason. He's quoting Helena with shocking regularity!
JASON: Did you have his head scanned for mind control chips? The apple may not be falling too far from the tree, if you know what I mean.
LIZ: Maybe I'll just try taking him to a shrink first.
OUTSIDE CABIN
LULU: Crap, I left my keys and my phone in the cabin! Good thing I know how to pick a lock.
VALERIE: First I'm burning up. Now I'm freezing my ass off. I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!
Friday, January 15, 2016
The Adventures of Light-Haired Man and Dark-Haired Man
Sam convinces Dr. Scheinberg and his wife to help Jason by telling the police that it was Nikolas who threw the first punch. Jason's protectiveness gives Liz all the guilt feels. Johnny leaves Valerie in an abandoned cabin. Laura suspects that Lulu is in cahoots with Johnny. Tracy's call rattles Hayden's cage.
METROCOURT
LIZ: You being all nice to me is freaking me out. You haven't said the words "lying" or "seven months" once since Jake saw his Mystery Creeper.
JASON: You see, Jake won't detach himself to my leg and I'm feeling all protective.
JAKE: Dad, I want ice cream.
CABIN
VALERIE: Who the hell ARE you anyway? You're not that Tommy Zucchini guy the cops are looking for, are you?
JOHNNY: None of YOUR beeswax, you annoying hostage you!
VALERIE: That answers THAT question.
JOHNNY: SHUT UP AND LET ME TIE YOU TO THE DAMN CHAIR!
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
LAURA: Lulu, what do you know about Johnny Zacchara?
LULU: All I know is that IT'S ALL VALERIE'S FAULT!
LAURA: You harboring a fugitive is Valerie's fault?
LULU: Damn straight it is! So is world hunger, gun violence, food poisoning at Chipotle, and Donald Trump running for president! IT'S ALL VALERIE'S FAULT!!!!!!!
METROCOURT
DR. SCHEINBERG: All I saw was Dark-Haired Man popping Light-Haired Man in the kisser, then Light-Haired Man threw a punch in his own defense and when Dark-Haired Man tried to hit back, he flew clear over the balcony!
SAM: Awesome! Just tell that to the cops and my hubby goes free.
DR. SCHEINBERG: What's in it for me?
SAM: You see, my hubby has a CRAZY good sob story of being shot in the back, falling into the harbor, being captured by my evil relatives, frozen, defrosted, run over by an SUV, losing his memory, then a year later, finding out who he really is. He was a mob hitman in his previous life, so if you and your wife don't say my evil cousin Dark-Haired Man started the fight, my hubby Light-Haired Man goes to jail for years and years and doesn't get to see his 3-year-old son grow up.
DR. SCHEINBERG: (looking at a picture of Jason) I know this guy! I ran a DNA test on him. He tested negative for any hurling-rich-princes-off-of-balconies genes, so he has to be innocent.
SAM: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
WYNDEMERE
TRACY: (over phone) Hurry up, RACHEL and get me ELQ before everyone knows you are RACHEL.
ME: Who the hell is this Rachel person?
HAYDEN: You made your point. NOBODY can know I'm Rachel.
ME: Rachel WHO??? Am I missing something?
PCPD
DILLON: Fine, I saw Johnny on the Haunted Star and he said he was only staying for one night. He was going to spend the rest of his time here staying at the Holiday Inn Express, I swear!
DANTE: So THAT'S who Lulu had squirreled away in the closet on New Year's Eve! If Cannoli fever didn't spell the end of my marriage, THIS sure will.
CABIN
JOHNNY: Gotta go, but I lit a candle for you to remember me by.
VALERIE: (bound and gagged) DERNT LERVE MER HER!
JOHNNY: Sorry, you're going to have to speak more clearly. I can't understand a word you're saying.
VALERIE: EEEERRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
JOHNNY: Guess it wasn't that important. Buh-BYE!
VALERIE: (knocks over candle trying to untie herself.) ERMERGERD!!!!! DER KERBERN ERS ERN FER!!!! ERM GERNER DER!!!
METROCOURT
LIZ: You being all nice to me is freaking me out. You haven't said the words "lying" or "seven months" once since Jake saw his Mystery Creeper.
JASON: You see, Jake won't detach himself to my leg and I'm feeling all protective.
JAKE: Dad, I want ice cream.
CABIN
VALERIE: Who the hell ARE you anyway? You're not that Tommy Zucchini guy the cops are looking for, are you?
JOHNNY: None of YOUR beeswax, you annoying hostage you!
VALERIE: That answers THAT question.
JOHNNY: SHUT UP AND LET ME TIE YOU TO THE DAMN CHAIR!
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
LAURA: Lulu, what do you know about Johnny Zacchara?
LULU: All I know is that IT'S ALL VALERIE'S FAULT!
LAURA: You harboring a fugitive is Valerie's fault?
LULU: Damn straight it is! So is world hunger, gun violence, food poisoning at Chipotle, and Donald Trump running for president! IT'S ALL VALERIE'S FAULT!!!!!!!
METROCOURT
DR. SCHEINBERG: All I saw was Dark-Haired Man popping Light-Haired Man in the kisser, then Light-Haired Man threw a punch in his own defense and when Dark-Haired Man tried to hit back, he flew clear over the balcony!
SAM: Awesome! Just tell that to the cops and my hubby goes free.
DR. SCHEINBERG: What's in it for me?
SAM: You see, my hubby has a CRAZY good sob story of being shot in the back, falling into the harbor, being captured by my evil relatives, frozen, defrosted, run over by an SUV, losing his memory, then a year later, finding out who he really is. He was a mob hitman in his previous life, so if you and your wife don't say my evil cousin Dark-Haired Man started the fight, my hubby Light-Haired Man goes to jail for years and years and doesn't get to see his 3-year-old son grow up.
DR. SCHEINBERG: (looking at a picture of Jason) I know this guy! I ran a DNA test on him. He tested negative for any hurling-rich-princes-off-of-balconies genes, so he has to be innocent.
SAM: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
WYNDEMERE
TRACY: (over phone) Hurry up, RACHEL and get me ELQ before everyone knows you are RACHEL.
ME: Who the hell is this Rachel person?
HAYDEN: You made your point. NOBODY can know I'm Rachel.
ME: Rachel WHO??? Am I missing something?
PCPD
DILLON: Fine, I saw Johnny on the Haunted Star and he said he was only staying for one night. He was going to spend the rest of his time here staying at the Holiday Inn Express, I swear!
DANTE: So THAT'S who Lulu had squirreled away in the closet on New Year's Eve! If Cannoli fever didn't spell the end of my marriage, THIS sure will.
CABIN
JOHNNY: Gotta go, but I lit a candle for you to remember me by.
VALERIE: (bound and gagged) DERNT LERVE MER HER!
JOHNNY: Sorry, you're going to have to speak more clearly. I can't understand a word you're saying.
VALERIE: EEEERRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
JOHNNY: Guess it wasn't that important. Buh-BYE!
VALERIE: (knocks over candle trying to untie herself.) ERMERGERD!!!!! DER KERBERN ERS ERN FER!!!! ERM GERNER DER!!!
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