Dr. Finn tells Carly how Roxy became his Service Lizard. Emma's spending Spring Break with Grandma Anna and meets Griffin at Kelly's. Sonny tells Julian that Carrrrrrrrrlos is still walking the face of the earth. Sonny and Anna's plan to tap Paul's phone is a success. A sudden noise makes Kiki jump out of her skin. Ava wants to know what kind of deal Julian made with Hammer.
KELLY'S
GRIFFIN: There you have it. Proof that I am Duke's kid.
ANNA: As long as this test was run anywhere other than GH, this is very good news. No offense to the place where you make your living, but DNA tests run there are done by soap opera writers, which means they are wrong 99.9% of the time.
GRIFFIN: Do my rugged good looks and secret desire to wear a kilt make up for the apparently dubious results of the DNA test?
EMMA: Kilts are so cool. They're the only skirts boys can wear and not get laughed at. I'm Emma, by the way, and my grandma's the most amazing grandma that ever existed.
GRIFFIN: I'm Griffin and I never got to meet my dad.
EMMA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: I'm telling you, Keeks, I'm bad news. I'm dangerous to be around. Not to mention, my feels are broken and so is Little Morgan.
KIKI: But there is GOOD in you Morgan. Once you get your meds all straightened out, Good, Fun Morgan can be set free.
MORGAN: What if the meds turn Good, Fun Morgan into Flat, Boring Morgan?
CLINIC WORKER: (drops tray) Oops!
KIKI: AAAAGGGHHHH!!!! Am I dead, Morgan? Who shot me?
MORGAN: It's okay, Keeks. The clumsy orderly guy just dropped a tray. Nobody got shot.
KIKI: Nobody...(pant, pant, wheeze, wheeze) got...(pant, pant, wheeze, wheeze) shot?
MORGAN: Remember to BREATHE, Keeks.
KIKI: Wow, I totes freaked, didn't I? Maybe I belong in this place too. Wanna be roomies?
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: Nurse Johnson, do you have the specimens I requested?
EPIPHANY: Crickets for the Service Lizard? Here you go. (hands a bag to Dr. Finn)
DR. FINN: Thanks, Nurse J.
PAUL: So, are you the doctor who diagnosed my ex-wife with brain worms?
DR. FINN: Not for me to say. Ask your ex-wife. Gotta go feed my Service Lizard.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Remember how you had this goon called Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos shoot my BFF Duke?
JULIAN: No, because I never ordered him to shoot Lavery. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos had a mind of his own.
SONNY: Has, Julian. Present tense. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos alive.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??? Wasn't his carcass pulled out of the harbor a few months back?
SONNY: Don't believe everything you print in that newspaper of yours, Julian. He's sucking up oxygen just like you and me.
JULIAN: I know you sent that black rose to Ava, by the way.
SONNY: When do I send Ava roses? Ain't got no TIME for that!
FREEDMAN CLINIC
AVA: Um, thanks for keeping Kiki alive after she was shot on the pier.
CARLY: Um, you're welcome. I actually LIKE Kiki.
KELLY'S
SONNY: Hey there Emma! Long time no see!
EMMA: Hi Mr. Sonny. Mommy and Daddy told me to hug you. (Hugs Sonny)
SONNY: You here visiting your grandma?
EMMA: Mommy and Daddy are in Morocco.
ANNA: Hello Paul! Put down that cell phone for 5 seconds so I can introduce you to my new friend Griffin.
PAUL: Introducing me to your friends now, Anna? Does this mean something?
ANNA: Paul, this is Griffin Munro, brain surgeon and Duke Lavery's long lost son. Griffin, this is Paul Hornsby, our esteemed District Attorney.
PAUL: Hey there, Griffin. Do you know anything about brain worms? You see, my ex-wife--
GRIFFIN: That's a conversation for another day, Mr. District Attorney. We are, after all, in a dining establishment.
SONNY: You got it done, Brick?
BRICK: Hell yeah I did, Boss. Next time Carrrrrrrrrrrlos calls the D.A., you'll hear every word.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
CARLY: I was thinking you and your Service Lizard might need some fresh towels.
DR. FINN: The owner comes by to bring me new towels? To what do I owe this service?
CARLY: I brought a little present for Roxy. Whole foods was having a sale on Lizard Lettuce Lunch so I thought, what the hey?
DR. FINN: Roxy only does organic. She has a discerning palate and understands climate change.
CARLY: How does someone go about getting a Service Lizard?
DR. FINN: Roxy crawled into my sleeping bag while I was camping Down Under. She was in a bad way, so I did my doctor thing and made a little splint for her broken leg. You should have seen it. I set her free, but she came right back like a boomerang. After all, we were in Australia. So, I smuggled her into the States and the rest is history.
HOSPITAL
AVA: So, how was Hammer Time?
JULIAN: I took care of it.
AVA: Can you be a little less vague?
JULIAN: You're safe from your goons.
AVA: What did you have to do to make that happen? Sell your firstborn? Sam and I have never been close, but I don't want to see her sacrificed to The Organization.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Hammer Time
Julian meets with the Jerome organization's top goon. Kristina comes out to Alexis, but doesn't get the reaction she expected. Carly, Josslyn, & Avery visit Morgan at the Freedman Clinic. Sonny's ready to deal with the Carrrrrrrrrlos situation. Ava visits Kiki, who asks a huge favor of her mama. Franco's shocked that his old man's shacking up with Ava.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
AVA: (pours water on Scott) Wakey wakey, Service Hedgehog! Since when do hedgehogs snore like a freight train?
SCOTT: This whole Service Hedgehog was your idea, not mine. You wanted me here to protect you from your own goons.
AVA: Some protection you'd be. World War III could break out in Port Chuckles and you'd sleep right through it.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S PLACE
JULIAN: What's Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos doing alive? And in this century? Last I heard, he was time-traveling to California in 1970 to give Don Draper spiritual guidance.
ALEXIS: OMG! You're SCREWED!
JULIAN: Tell me something I don't know.
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: I've lost all my feels, Michael. They're all gone because of the meds. Don't even get me started on Little Morgan. In fact, Little Morgan could fall off in the middle of the night and I wouldn't care.
MICHAEL: Don't be all depressed on me, Morgan. You're in here to get your head screwed on straight so you won't go wabbit hunting in the middle of a gun deal Dad's trying to bust up.
MORGAN: I said I had NO FEELS. Depression is a feel. Therefore, I am not depressed, Mikey. Just devoid of any feels whatsoever.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: What were you kibitzing with Anna about? And why did she not arrest you for existing?
SONNY: Remember how Duke used to work for me before Julian had Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos gun him down? Anna hates Julian. I hate Julian. We have a common enemy. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos is just there to be the hammer.
CARLY: You mean the Service Snitch?
SONNY: Somethin' like that.
JOSSLYN: I'm kinda freaked out about going to a looney bin. Uncle Sonny, what's it like there?
SONNY: As long as you're completely sane, there's nothin' to worry about. You still obsessed with corn, by the way?
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
JULIAN: You have company. Since when do lawyers and clients have sleepovers?
SCOTT: Since this lawyer has become a Service Hedgehog, that's when.
AVA: I can explain, as soon as I tell my Service Hedgehog to get lost.
SCOTT: I can take a hint. Later, roomie!
AVA: What? I need protection from my goons!
JULIAN: About that, I'm gonna hash things out with Hammer and tell him to stop hassling my sister, among other things.
KIKI'S HOSPITAL ROOM
KIKI: What's with the sneaks? And where's Morgan?
FRANCO: The sneaks are for you, Keeks! For when you jog on out of this joint. If you don't like the color or the arch support, I kept the receipt.
KIKI: What about Morgan? He's the one who woke me up from my coma, but he's been totally AWOL since then.
FRANCO: About that...Morgan's in a place where he can get his head screwed on straight. I'm living proof that those places work, right?
KIKI: You mean he's in the looney bin?
FRANCO: The technical term is mental hospital, but yeah. He's bad news, Kiki. Really bad news, and this is coming from ME, of all people.
FREEDMAN CLINIC
JOSSLYN: Hi Morgan! Brought you some comic books.
MORGAN: Um, okay, thanks. Gotta warn you, the comic book loving feels aren't quite there because of the meds and all, but yeah, it's cool. I think.
CARLY: Look who I brought!
MORGAN: Hey, Avery! You're HUGE now! What are they feeding you? Sorry. Even cute babies aren't doin' it for me with these anti-feel meds they're pumpin' into my brain.
CARLY: Chin up, Morgan. The feels will come back! Your dad's feels did. They've just got to figure out how much of these pills and how much of those you need to bring them back without them going berserk on you and causing you to mistake mobsters for "wabbits".
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: So here's the deal, Mom. You know that Parker chick who came here awhile back? She's the prof that I wanted to have sex with. So basically, I'm telling you I'm at the VERY LEAST 10% gay. Parker thinks that percentage could be way higher.
ALEXIS: Aw, Krissy, you're just confused because Kiefer abused you and Trey Mitchell croaked on you and your prof is planting ideas in your head.
KRISTINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???? Have you gone bible-thumping CONSERVATIVE on me, Mom? What happened to the boob flashing kick-ass feminist attorney I saw in court the other day?
ALEXIS: It's just that you're too YOUNG to know what percent gay you are. College is a time of MASSIVE CONFUSION!
KRISTINA: And here I thought telling my mobster dad would be hard. Way to be enlightened, MOM!
KIKI'S HOSPITAL ROOM
KIKI: Mom, if you loved me, you would take me to see Morgan.
AVA: But...but...what if you forgot how to walk???
KIKI: I will suspend ALL pretense of vanity and take a WALKER with me.
AVA: FINE! At least it will get me further away from my goons. Let's go.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
JULIAN: Hammer, you have to lay off my little sis. She's gotten so paranoid she hired a service hedgehog who can sleep through an earthquake.
HAMMER: Tell your sister to take a chill pill and join back up with us, Julian. What's a Jerome organization without Jeromes?
JULIAN: But my wife made me promise to stay mob free.
HAMMER: What she don't know won't hurt her. Ever heard of being a silent partner?
KELLY'S
FRANCO: Since when do you shack up with AVA, Pops?
SCOTT: Since she needs a service hedgehog to protect her from her own goons.
FRANCO: Makes sense.
SCOTT: How are you and Nina?
FRANCO: She wants me to have her kid. I don't want to spread my crazy DNA to the next generation. Could this be the end of us?
SCOTT: Maybe...
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: Kiki? Wow, I'm actually feeling a feel!
KIKI: Hi Morgan! I MADE my mom sneak me out of the hospital so I could see you.
MORGAN: I think you need to stay far far away from me. It's for your own good.
KIKI: Is this the thanks I get from coming all the way here IN A WALKER???
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Look out for the women and children, Michael. I gotta go deal with some bizness.
MICHAEL: What kind of business, Dad?
SONNY: If I tell you, son, I'll hafta kill you.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
AVA: (pours water on Scott) Wakey wakey, Service Hedgehog! Since when do hedgehogs snore like a freight train?
SCOTT: This whole Service Hedgehog was your idea, not mine. You wanted me here to protect you from your own goons.
AVA: Some protection you'd be. World War III could break out in Port Chuckles and you'd sleep right through it.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S PLACE
JULIAN: What's Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos doing alive? And in this century? Last I heard, he was time-traveling to California in 1970 to give Don Draper spiritual guidance.
ALEXIS: OMG! You're SCREWED!
JULIAN: Tell me something I don't know.
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: I've lost all my feels, Michael. They're all gone because of the meds. Don't even get me started on Little Morgan. In fact, Little Morgan could fall off in the middle of the night and I wouldn't care.
MICHAEL: Don't be all depressed on me, Morgan. You're in here to get your head screwed on straight so you won't go wabbit hunting in the middle of a gun deal Dad's trying to bust up.
MORGAN: I said I had NO FEELS. Depression is a feel. Therefore, I am not depressed, Mikey. Just devoid of any feels whatsoever.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: What were you kibitzing with Anna about? And why did she not arrest you for existing?
SONNY: Remember how Duke used to work for me before Julian had Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos gun him down? Anna hates Julian. I hate Julian. We have a common enemy. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos is just there to be the hammer.
CARLY: You mean the Service Snitch?
SONNY: Somethin' like that.
JOSSLYN: I'm kinda freaked out about going to a looney bin. Uncle Sonny, what's it like there?
SONNY: As long as you're completely sane, there's nothin' to worry about. You still obsessed with corn, by the way?
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
JULIAN: You have company. Since when do lawyers and clients have sleepovers?
SCOTT: Since this lawyer has become a Service Hedgehog, that's when.
AVA: I can explain, as soon as I tell my Service Hedgehog to get lost.
SCOTT: I can take a hint. Later, roomie!
AVA: What? I need protection from my goons!
JULIAN: About that, I'm gonna hash things out with Hammer and tell him to stop hassling my sister, among other things.
KIKI'S HOSPITAL ROOM
KIKI: What's with the sneaks? And where's Morgan?
FRANCO: The sneaks are for you, Keeks! For when you jog on out of this joint. If you don't like the color or the arch support, I kept the receipt.
KIKI: What about Morgan? He's the one who woke me up from my coma, but he's been totally AWOL since then.
FRANCO: About that...Morgan's in a place where he can get his head screwed on straight. I'm living proof that those places work, right?
KIKI: You mean he's in the looney bin?
FRANCO: The technical term is mental hospital, but yeah. He's bad news, Kiki. Really bad news, and this is coming from ME, of all people.
FREEDMAN CLINIC
JOSSLYN: Hi Morgan! Brought you some comic books.
MORGAN: Um, okay, thanks. Gotta warn you, the comic book loving feels aren't quite there because of the meds and all, but yeah, it's cool. I think.
CARLY: Look who I brought!
MORGAN: Hey, Avery! You're HUGE now! What are they feeding you? Sorry. Even cute babies aren't doin' it for me with these anti-feel meds they're pumpin' into my brain.
CARLY: Chin up, Morgan. The feels will come back! Your dad's feels did. They've just got to figure out how much of these pills and how much of those you need to bring them back without them going berserk on you and causing you to mistake mobsters for "wabbits".
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: So here's the deal, Mom. You know that Parker chick who came here awhile back? She's the prof that I wanted to have sex with. So basically, I'm telling you I'm at the VERY LEAST 10% gay. Parker thinks that percentage could be way higher.
ALEXIS: Aw, Krissy, you're just confused because Kiefer abused you and Trey Mitchell croaked on you and your prof is planting ideas in your head.
KRISTINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???? Have you gone bible-thumping CONSERVATIVE on me, Mom? What happened to the boob flashing kick-ass feminist attorney I saw in court the other day?
ALEXIS: It's just that you're too YOUNG to know what percent gay you are. College is a time of MASSIVE CONFUSION!
KRISTINA: And here I thought telling my mobster dad would be hard. Way to be enlightened, MOM!
KIKI'S HOSPITAL ROOM
KIKI: Mom, if you loved me, you would take me to see Morgan.
AVA: But...but...what if you forgot how to walk???
KIKI: I will suspend ALL pretense of vanity and take a WALKER with me.
AVA: FINE! At least it will get me further away from my goons. Let's go.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
JULIAN: Hammer, you have to lay off my little sis. She's gotten so paranoid she hired a service hedgehog who can sleep through an earthquake.
HAMMER: Tell your sister to take a chill pill and join back up with us, Julian. What's a Jerome organization without Jeromes?
JULIAN: But my wife made me promise to stay mob free.
HAMMER: What she don't know won't hurt her. Ever heard of being a silent partner?
KELLY'S
FRANCO: Since when do you shack up with AVA, Pops?
SCOTT: Since she needs a service hedgehog to protect her from her own goons.
FRANCO: Makes sense.
SCOTT: How are you and Nina?
FRANCO: She wants me to have her kid. I don't want to spread my crazy DNA to the next generation. Could this be the end of us?
SCOTT: Maybe...
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: Kiki? Wow, I'm actually feeling a feel!
KIKI: Hi Morgan! I MADE my mom sneak me out of the hospital so I could see you.
MORGAN: I think you need to stay far far away from me. It's for your own good.
KIKI: Is this the thanks I get from coming all the way here IN A WALKER???
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Look out for the women and children, Michael. I gotta go deal with some bizness.
MICHAEL: What kind of business, Dad?
SONNY: If I tell you, son, I'll hafta kill you.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Did Someone Say Ned?
Dillon's big brother, who is about the same age as his father, is back in town to see Tracy through her brain worm crisis. Anna and Sonny are on the same page regarding Duke and Griffin. Jordan and Curtis team up to stop a masked gunman at Kelly's. Liz convinces Haychel to pack up and leave town, but Curtis (and Nikolas) don't agree that Port Chuckles would be better off without the daughter of Faux Bernie Madoff. After being mistaken for Edward, Jason is really feeling his Q side. While Valerie falls for Curtis, Jordan and Andre make plans to get cozier. Ava asks Scott to protect her from her angry minions.
OUTSIDE TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
JASON: That was weird. My aunt thinks I'm my own grandpa.
SAM: Isn't there a song about that?
ME: As a matter of fact, Sam, there is!
JASON & SAM: Well, jeez, that sounds like the family tree of everyone in this freakin' town!
SONNY'S HOUSE
ANNA: Word on the interwebs is that Carrrrrrrrrlos is alive. Someone tweeted it and re-tweeted it about 5,000 times! Was that you, Sonny?
SONNY: Have you ever seen a mobster tweet? Besides, I don't want nothin' with Carrrrrrrlos. He's just the bait to send Julian to the slammer. We gotta get justice for Duke and his kid.
ANNA: You KNOW about Duke's son?
SONNY: We've met. For a brain surgeon, he's a damn good preacher.
ANNA: I got that same impression, that he moonlights as a man of the cloth.
SCOTT'S HOTEL ROOM
SCOTT: What's the emergency? I was in the middle of interpreting a ouija book from my off-and-on ex lover left to her by her crazy-ass ex-mother-in-law.
AVA: My peeps are after me because I accidentally helped the D.A. bust a gun deal.
SCOTT: My services don't cover being a human shield.
AVA: I prefer to think of you as my service hedgehog.
KELLY'S
VALERIE: Remember how I helped you put together that Crimson magazine, traipsing through the mud and breaking my shoe? You owe me 500 bucks.
CURTIS: If I give you your cut, will you go out with me again?
VALERIE: You'd pay a half grand to go out with me? At least you don't think of me as a cheap date.
JORDAN: You'd think they'd have more places to eat in this town.
ANDRE: Seeing that Port Chuckles contains all of three dining establishments, you have a 33% chance of running into Curtis if you choose to eat out in public.
RANDOM GUNMAN: If it's a Tuesday, I hold up Kelly's. HANDS UP! ELECTRONICS DOWN! OPEN THE REGISTER!
JORDAN & CURTIS: If it's a Tuesday, we kick your ass! (Jordan and Curtis take the gunman down and cuff him.)
JORDAN: I'm the commish. You're under arrest!
CURTIS: Daaaaayuuummm! We still got it!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DILLON: Mom, what year is it? Who's President? Who's walking through the door right now?
TRACY: What's with the stupid questions, Dillon? Hello, Ned. Have you come to watch me die of brain worms?
NED: Great to see you too, Mom. What's this about brain worms?
TRACY: It's all your father's fault, Ned. I ran into him in Mexico and he gave me some space cake weed tacos with a side of worms which are now residing and reproducing IN. MY. BRAIN.
NED: I really have been away too long, haven't I, Mom?
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Pack your bags, HAYCHEL because I'm calling the cops with a HAYCHEL BARNLIN sighting and sending YOU to the hoosegow. See ya, wouldn't wanna BE YA! (leaves with ginormous Cheshire Cat grin on her face)
HAYCHEL: Goodbye, Wyndemere. Goodbye couch. Goodbye 9,000 thread count sheets. Goodbye pillows. Goodbye intriguingly creepy painting of Nikolas's fascinatingly diabolical grandmother.
HOSPITAL
JASON: Funny thing happened when Tracy mistook me for Edward. I came out of that room never feeling more Quartermaine than I do right now.
SAM: Your dad and grandfather would be getting all the warm and fuzzy family feels if they could hear you right now.
KELLY'S
ANDRE: After I lead my group therapy session to bring more emotional stability to Port Chuckles, how about we eat in a not-so-public place.
JORDAN: That might not be such a bad idea. It gives as a much better chance of finding a Curtis-free zone.
CURTIS: So, you got outed as Rachel Faux Madoff Berlin.
HAYCHEL: I'm being run out of town by Busy Lizzie, keeper of the family jewels of half the men in this town.
CURTIS: You need some help dealing with Busy Lizzie? Or is it Shotgun Prince Hubby you gotta protect yourself from?
HAYCHEL: There's nothing left for me here in Port Chuckles. I have no friends. Besides Busy Lizzie, Snooping Sam hates me too, not to mention Catty Carly. Even your gal pal Val ditched Wyndemere to get the hell away from me. Then there's the family I married into. Mother Hen Laura clucks in disapproval when she sees me and simpering sister Lulu does the same.
CURTIS: What am I, chopped liver? If Shotgun Prince Hubby tries to kick you outta his castle, all you gotta do is play the I-know-you-tried-to-have-me-killed card.
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: I got rid of Haychel! I got rid of Haychel! At least I think I did. One well-placed threat to call the PCPD did the trick.
NIKOLAS: Bad Liz! I sorta kinda still like Haychel, even if she's the lying daughter of an infamous Madoff wannabe.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
NIKOLAS: At least she didn't conspire with my kid to fake his disappearance and scare the crap out of me in the process!
SCOTT'S METROCOURT ROOM
SCOTT: I'm broke. Raymond Berlin robbed me blind.
AVA: And I need a service hedgehog to keep my underlings from roasting me at a luau. So, Scott Baldwin, will you be my service hedgehog?
SCOTT: When's the last time a hedgehog protected anyone from mob goons?
AVA: You're not just any old hedgehog, Scott. You're a SERVICE hedgehog!
OUTSIDE TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
JASON: That was weird. My aunt thinks I'm my own grandpa.
SAM: Isn't there a song about that?
ME: As a matter of fact, Sam, there is!
JASON & SAM: Well, jeez, that sounds like the family tree of everyone in this freakin' town!
SONNY'S HOUSE
ANNA: Word on the interwebs is that Carrrrrrrrrlos is alive. Someone tweeted it and re-tweeted it about 5,000 times! Was that you, Sonny?
SONNY: Have you ever seen a mobster tweet? Besides, I don't want nothin' with Carrrrrrrlos. He's just the bait to send Julian to the slammer. We gotta get justice for Duke and his kid.
ANNA: You KNOW about Duke's son?
SONNY: We've met. For a brain surgeon, he's a damn good preacher.
ANNA: I got that same impression, that he moonlights as a man of the cloth.
SCOTT'S HOTEL ROOM
SCOTT: What's the emergency? I was in the middle of interpreting a ouija book from my off-and-on ex lover left to her by her crazy-ass ex-mother-in-law.
AVA: My peeps are after me because I accidentally helped the D.A. bust a gun deal.
SCOTT: My services don't cover being a human shield.
AVA: I prefer to think of you as my service hedgehog.
KELLY'S
VALERIE: Remember how I helped you put together that Crimson magazine, traipsing through the mud and breaking my shoe? You owe me 500 bucks.
CURTIS: If I give you your cut, will you go out with me again?
VALERIE: You'd pay a half grand to go out with me? At least you don't think of me as a cheap date.
JORDAN: You'd think they'd have more places to eat in this town.
ANDRE: Seeing that Port Chuckles contains all of three dining establishments, you have a 33% chance of running into Curtis if you choose to eat out in public.
RANDOM GUNMAN: If it's a Tuesday, I hold up Kelly's. HANDS UP! ELECTRONICS DOWN! OPEN THE REGISTER!
JORDAN & CURTIS: If it's a Tuesday, we kick your ass! (Jordan and Curtis take the gunman down and cuff him.)
JORDAN: I'm the commish. You're under arrest!
CURTIS: Daaaaayuuummm! We still got it!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DILLON: Mom, what year is it? Who's President? Who's walking through the door right now?
TRACY: What's with the stupid questions, Dillon? Hello, Ned. Have you come to watch me die of brain worms?
NED: Great to see you too, Mom. What's this about brain worms?
TRACY: It's all your father's fault, Ned. I ran into him in Mexico and he gave me some space cake weed tacos with a side of worms which are now residing and reproducing IN. MY. BRAIN.
NED: I really have been away too long, haven't I, Mom?
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Pack your bags, HAYCHEL because I'm calling the cops with a HAYCHEL BARNLIN sighting and sending YOU to the hoosegow. See ya, wouldn't wanna BE YA! (leaves with ginormous Cheshire Cat grin on her face)
HAYCHEL: Goodbye, Wyndemere. Goodbye couch. Goodbye 9,000 thread count sheets. Goodbye pillows. Goodbye intriguingly creepy painting of Nikolas's fascinatingly diabolical grandmother.
HOSPITAL
JASON: Funny thing happened when Tracy mistook me for Edward. I came out of that room never feeling more Quartermaine than I do right now.
SAM: Your dad and grandfather would be getting all the warm and fuzzy family feels if they could hear you right now.
KELLY'S
ANDRE: After I lead my group therapy session to bring more emotional stability to Port Chuckles, how about we eat in a not-so-public place.
JORDAN: That might not be such a bad idea. It gives as a much better chance of finding a Curtis-free zone.
CURTIS: So, you got outed as Rachel Faux Madoff Berlin.
HAYCHEL: I'm being run out of town by Busy Lizzie, keeper of the family jewels of half the men in this town.
CURTIS: You need some help dealing with Busy Lizzie? Or is it Shotgun Prince Hubby you gotta protect yourself from?
HAYCHEL: There's nothing left for me here in Port Chuckles. I have no friends. Besides Busy Lizzie, Snooping Sam hates me too, not to mention Catty Carly. Even your gal pal Val ditched Wyndemere to get the hell away from me. Then there's the family I married into. Mother Hen Laura clucks in disapproval when she sees me and simpering sister Lulu does the same.
CURTIS: What am I, chopped liver? If Shotgun Prince Hubby tries to kick you outta his castle, all you gotta do is play the I-know-you-tried-to-have-me-killed card.
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: I got rid of Haychel! I got rid of Haychel! At least I think I did. One well-placed threat to call the PCPD did the trick.
NIKOLAS: Bad Liz! I sorta kinda still like Haychel, even if she's the lying daughter of an infamous Madoff wannabe.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
NIKOLAS: At least she didn't conspire with my kid to fake his disappearance and scare the crap out of me in the process!
SCOTT'S METROCOURT ROOM
SCOTT: I'm broke. Raymond Berlin robbed me blind.
AVA: And I need a service hedgehog to keep my underlings from roasting me at a luau. So, Scott Baldwin, will you be my service hedgehog?
SCOTT: When's the last time a hedgehog protected anyone from mob goons?
AVA: You're not just any old hedgehog, Scott. You're a SERVICE hedgehog!
Monday, March 28, 2016
Liz vs. Haychel
Liz and Hayden Barnes a.k.a. Rachel Berlin trade insults while Nikolas brings Sam back on the case to dig up dirt on his wife. Paul reaches out to Ava, but is rebuffed. Dr. Finn gets into it with Obrecht. Tracy mistakes Jason for Edward. Laura shows The Ouija Book that she found in the trunk at Wyndemere to Scott
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN/RACHEL/"HAYCHEL": But...but...but Nikolas, we LOVE each other, remember? We got married by The Burger King in a faux Vegas castle!
NIKOLAS: Lies, Haychel! ALL LIES!!! Our marriage was based on NOTHING BUT LIES!
HAYCHEL: Don't you get how tough it was to be the daughter of Bernie Madoff--I mean Raymond Berlin? I mean, come on, you come from a line of psycho grannies and freeze-dried popsicles!
NIKOLAS: LIES! All you told me are LIES!!! You wouldn't know the truth if it shot you in the head at a mob-run garage!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Where's Dr. Finn? I WANT MY DAMN DOCTOR! NOW!!!
DR. OBRECHT: I am still filing ze paperwork for your Doctor Feen and his reptilian companion, Ms. Quartermaine.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Ooooooommmmmm! Say it with me, Roxy! Ooooooommmmmmm! Who says service lizards can't meditate?
WYNDEMERE ATTIC
LIZ: O to the MG! Hayden is Rachel Berlin. Rachel FREAKIN' Berlin! Can you believe it?
LAURA: Am I supposed to know who Rachel Berlin is? Wait, isn't she Raymond "Faux Bernie Madoff" Berlin's daughter?
LIZ: Um, YEAH! Nikolas is giving it to her real good! What's up with that musty old book?
LAURA: It was in The Trunk that The Key opened. A bunch of random letters were circled, like a ouija board or something. Do you think Helena's trying to send me an encrypted message?
LIZ: Who knows? I'm about to call the cops on Haychel. Wanna come cheer me on?
LAURA: Hello? Remember how Nikolas had Haychel SHOT?
KELLY'S
SAM: Are we not the happiest divorced couple EVER?
DANNY: What does divorced mean?
JASON: For me and your mom it means we get a do-over.
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Look who's BUSTED!!!!
HAYCHEL: Look who's popped three bastard BRATS outta her hoo-ha!
LIZ: Nikolas never loved you, HAYCHEL! He never loved The Britch either. The only woman he EVER loved was my bestie Emily.
HAYCHEL: Nikolas DID TOO love me! He took me to Vegas and married me in a fake castle IN FRONT OF A COURT JESTER for crying out loud! You know why? Because he's a PRINCE, that's why! You're too busy tattooing "TAKEN" on all the men you've slept with in this town.
LIZ: Face it, Hayden Rachel Haychel McMadoff, you and Nikolas are TOAST! Pack your crap because when Nikolas comes back, he's kicking you to the curb JUST like he did to the Britch, only you won't have an wanted international terrorist on the lam to catch a boat out of town with.
HOSPITAL
AVA: Screw you, Paul Hornsby! You put a giant bullseye on my back!
PAUL: I also kept your sexy art-lovin' ass out of jail, so you're welcome.
AVA: I don't recall thanking you for putting my Kiki in harms way in front of 200 assault rifles.
PAUL: You need my PROTECTION, Ava. From your own peeps. Let me PROTECT you, Ava.
AVA: Um, NOPE!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: By the way, Ms. Q, if the meds don't kill the brain worms, the worms might kill YOU. Just thought you'd like to know.
TRACY: Nice to see you too, Dr. Finn. I thought your job was to DE-WORM my brain.
DR. FINN: I'll do the best I can, Ms. Q, but, well, there are an awful lot OF THEM up there. Their rate of reproduction is astounding.
TRACY: Great, now they're getting their 50 Shades of WORM SEX on IN MY BRAIN! Can't you feed them to your bearded lizard, or whatever it is the Mad Teutonic says you keep as a pet?
DR. FINN: Watch it, Ms. Q. Roxie is my SERVICE LIZARD!
METROCOURT ROOM
NIKOLAS: Sam, remember how I told you to cease and desist investigating my wife? Forget I said that. The investigation is back on. I need to know everything there is to know about one Rachel Berlin.
SAM: THE Rachel Berlin? The daughter of---
NIKOLAS: One and the same. Alias Hayden Barnes.
SAM: I KNEW she was running a con. I'm calling the cops.
NIKOLAS: Not so fast. I kinda sorta mighta done something that just might land me in the slammer if Haychel is investigated.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Daddy, I know I haven't been doing a good job keeping an eye on ELQ. You'd be spinning in your grave if you found out that the family business is now in the hands of Nikolas Cassadine.
JASON: Um...it's okay, sweetie pie. Do you want some milk and cookies before you go to bed?
TRACY: I have a plan to get ELQ back, Daddy. I'm going to make you proud of me. You see, there's this woman named Rachel...
JASON: Of course I'm proud of you, kiddo. Now tell me more about this Rachel?
SAM: As in Rachel "Hayden Barnes" Berlin?
JASON: Don't mind me. I'm just pretending to be the grandfather I don't remember having.
HOSPITAL LOBBY
DR. FINN: You let me treat Tracy or I'll have this place shut down for medical negligence. You let some idiot doctor drill into the woman's skull when the diagnosis was RIGHT THERE ON THE MRI! What competent doctor can't see WORMS ON THE BRAIN? Perhaps you might benefit from my protocol yourself, Dr. Obrecht.
DR. OBRECHT: You vill NOT shut down ZIS HOSPITAL and I DO NOT have VORMS in my brain, you heah me, Dr. Feen? ZERE ARE NO VORMS IN ZIS HIGHLY INTELLIGENT CEREBRAL CORTEX!
DR. FINN: All of this unpleasantness doesn't have to happen if you would just let me treat my patient without all of that obstructionist paperwork in the way. Oh, and I need an office with the thermostat set to 85 degrees. Roxie needs to get out more. Being stuck in a hotel all day is detrimental to her neurological development and I need my service lizard operating at full capacity at all times, Dr. Obrecht.
PAUL: Son, how is your mother doing with her brain worm thing?
DILLON: At least it isn't cancer, but the doc said the worms could still kill her if they have too much sex in her brain. Or something like that.
PAUL: Can I see her?
DILLON: Well, at the moment she's confusing Jason with our grandfather, so maybe she'll mistake you for someone she actually likes. On the other hand, why chance it?
KELLY'S
SCOTT: What are you doing with one of my old law school books from the '70s?
LAURA: Helena has turned this book into some kind of twisted ouija board and I'm trying to crack the code. How could she have gotten your old law textbook in the first place?
SCOTT: One of her goons probably got it for her off of eBay. What? I had to do some spring cleaning way back when.
LAURA: If I recall correctly, Helena didn't give a rat's patooty about you, Scott. She was too busy with her truly demented obsession with Luke. So why leave me The Key to The Trunk containing The Ouija Book?
SCOTT: Well, it turns out, one dark and stormy night in the not-quite-so-distant past, Helena and I...
LAURA: Don't go there, Scott. I BEG OF YOU, don't go there.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Hey Roxy you might want to close your eyes. I know how you feel about needles. You know what they say. Physician, heal thyself...
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN/RACHEL/"HAYCHEL": But...but...but Nikolas, we LOVE each other, remember? We got married by The Burger King in a faux Vegas castle!
NIKOLAS: Lies, Haychel! ALL LIES!!! Our marriage was based on NOTHING BUT LIES!
HAYCHEL: Don't you get how tough it was to be the daughter of Bernie Madoff--I mean Raymond Berlin? I mean, come on, you come from a line of psycho grannies and freeze-dried popsicles!
NIKOLAS: LIES! All you told me are LIES!!! You wouldn't know the truth if it shot you in the head at a mob-run garage!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Where's Dr. Finn? I WANT MY DAMN DOCTOR! NOW!!!
DR. OBRECHT: I am still filing ze paperwork for your Doctor Feen and his reptilian companion, Ms. Quartermaine.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Ooooooommmmmm! Say it with me, Roxy! Ooooooommmmmmm! Who says service lizards can't meditate?
WYNDEMERE ATTIC
LIZ: O to the MG! Hayden is Rachel Berlin. Rachel FREAKIN' Berlin! Can you believe it?
LAURA: Am I supposed to know who Rachel Berlin is? Wait, isn't she Raymond "Faux Bernie Madoff" Berlin's daughter?
LIZ: Um, YEAH! Nikolas is giving it to her real good! What's up with that musty old book?
LAURA: It was in The Trunk that The Key opened. A bunch of random letters were circled, like a ouija board or something. Do you think Helena's trying to send me an encrypted message?
LIZ: Who knows? I'm about to call the cops on Haychel. Wanna come cheer me on?
LAURA: Hello? Remember how Nikolas had Haychel SHOT?
KELLY'S
SAM: Are we not the happiest divorced couple EVER?
DANNY: What does divorced mean?
JASON: For me and your mom it means we get a do-over.
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Look who's BUSTED!!!!
HAYCHEL: Look who's popped three bastard BRATS outta her hoo-ha!
LIZ: Nikolas never loved you, HAYCHEL! He never loved The Britch either. The only woman he EVER loved was my bestie Emily.
HAYCHEL: Nikolas DID TOO love me! He took me to Vegas and married me in a fake castle IN FRONT OF A COURT JESTER for crying out loud! You know why? Because he's a PRINCE, that's why! You're too busy tattooing "TAKEN" on all the men you've slept with in this town.
LIZ: Face it, Hayden Rachel Haychel McMadoff, you and Nikolas are TOAST! Pack your crap because when Nikolas comes back, he's kicking you to the curb JUST like he did to the Britch, only you won't have an wanted international terrorist on the lam to catch a boat out of town with.
HOSPITAL
AVA: Screw you, Paul Hornsby! You put a giant bullseye on my back!
PAUL: I also kept your sexy art-lovin' ass out of jail, so you're welcome.
AVA: I don't recall thanking you for putting my Kiki in harms way in front of 200 assault rifles.
PAUL: You need my PROTECTION, Ava. From your own peeps. Let me PROTECT you, Ava.
AVA: Um, NOPE!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: By the way, Ms. Q, if the meds don't kill the brain worms, the worms might kill YOU. Just thought you'd like to know.
TRACY: Nice to see you too, Dr. Finn. I thought your job was to DE-WORM my brain.
DR. FINN: I'll do the best I can, Ms. Q, but, well, there are an awful lot OF THEM up there. Their rate of reproduction is astounding.
TRACY: Great, now they're getting their 50 Shades of WORM SEX on IN MY BRAIN! Can't you feed them to your bearded lizard, or whatever it is the Mad Teutonic says you keep as a pet?
DR. FINN: Watch it, Ms. Q. Roxie is my SERVICE LIZARD!
METROCOURT ROOM
NIKOLAS: Sam, remember how I told you to cease and desist investigating my wife? Forget I said that. The investigation is back on. I need to know everything there is to know about one Rachel Berlin.
SAM: THE Rachel Berlin? The daughter of---
NIKOLAS: One and the same. Alias Hayden Barnes.
SAM: I KNEW she was running a con. I'm calling the cops.
NIKOLAS: Not so fast. I kinda sorta mighta done something that just might land me in the slammer if Haychel is investigated.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Daddy, I know I haven't been doing a good job keeping an eye on ELQ. You'd be spinning in your grave if you found out that the family business is now in the hands of Nikolas Cassadine.
JASON: Um...it's okay, sweetie pie. Do you want some milk and cookies before you go to bed?
TRACY: I have a plan to get ELQ back, Daddy. I'm going to make you proud of me. You see, there's this woman named Rachel...
JASON: Of course I'm proud of you, kiddo. Now tell me more about this Rachel?
SAM: As in Rachel "Hayden Barnes" Berlin?
JASON: Don't mind me. I'm just pretending to be the grandfather I don't remember having.
HOSPITAL LOBBY
DR. FINN: You let me treat Tracy or I'll have this place shut down for medical negligence. You let some idiot doctor drill into the woman's skull when the diagnosis was RIGHT THERE ON THE MRI! What competent doctor can't see WORMS ON THE BRAIN? Perhaps you might benefit from my protocol yourself, Dr. Obrecht.
DR. OBRECHT: You vill NOT shut down ZIS HOSPITAL and I DO NOT have VORMS in my brain, you heah me, Dr. Feen? ZERE ARE NO VORMS IN ZIS HIGHLY INTELLIGENT CEREBRAL CORTEX!
DR. FINN: All of this unpleasantness doesn't have to happen if you would just let me treat my patient without all of that obstructionist paperwork in the way. Oh, and I need an office with the thermostat set to 85 degrees. Roxie needs to get out more. Being stuck in a hotel all day is detrimental to her neurological development and I need my service lizard operating at full capacity at all times, Dr. Obrecht.
PAUL: Son, how is your mother doing with her brain worm thing?
DILLON: At least it isn't cancer, but the doc said the worms could still kill her if they have too much sex in her brain. Or something like that.
PAUL: Can I see her?
DILLON: Well, at the moment she's confusing Jason with our grandfather, so maybe she'll mistake you for someone she actually likes. On the other hand, why chance it?
KELLY'S
SCOTT: What are you doing with one of my old law school books from the '70s?
LAURA: Helena has turned this book into some kind of twisted ouija board and I'm trying to crack the code. How could she have gotten your old law textbook in the first place?
SCOTT: One of her goons probably got it for her off of eBay. What? I had to do some spring cleaning way back when.
LAURA: If I recall correctly, Helena didn't give a rat's patooty about you, Scott. She was too busy with her truly demented obsession with Luke. So why leave me The Key to The Trunk containing The Ouija Book?
SCOTT: Well, it turns out, one dark and stormy night in the not-quite-so-distant past, Helena and I...
LAURA: Don't go there, Scott. I BEG OF YOU, don't go there.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Hey Roxy you might want to close your eyes. I know how you feel about needles. You know what they say. Physician, heal thyself...
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Playing Hooky
I'm ducking out of the blog early this week. Don't worry. I'm okay. Just very busy. Today's show was a snoozefest anyway. I'll be back on Monday. Have a nice weekend and Happy Easter!
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Foxy Roxy: Service Lizard
Dr. Hamilton Finn, not to be confused with Silas Clay, John McBain, Caleb Morley, or Stephen Clay (or Michael Easton himself, for that matter!) is an intriguing new Port Chucklehead with a most unusual BFF: A "service lizard" named Roxy, who dines on crickets and lettuce, prefers male company (except for Carly), and kicks ass at hide and seek. This is the guy Monica brought in to remove the worms from Tracy's brain...
Over at Wyndemere, Liz overhears Hayden utter the name Naomi Dreyfus and Hayden is seeing red. Laura, clutching The Key in her hands, tries to convince Nikolas to search for meaning in The Helena Painting. Monica and Tracy threaten legal action against Obrecht. Kristina and Sonny clear the air, but Krissy is still leaving out a very important piece of information about her professor.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
MAID: OMG!!!! IT'S A...IT'S A...IT'S A...I'M NEVER GOING IN THIS ROOM AGAIN!!!
CARLY: I come bearing bubbles! It's the least I could do after we got shut down for bogus health code violations. Why is my maid screaming bloody murder?
DR. FINN: She had a little run-in with Roxy, my service lizard.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT???? A service LIZARD???? What did you do, kidnap the Geico Gecko?
DR. FINN: You'll realize the absurdity of your comment once you meet her. Don't look now, but she's right behind you and she's a bit of a misogynist.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Naomi Dreyfus, what have you been up to? (types "Naomi Dreyfus" in the fake Port Chuckles search engine)
LIZ: Naomi Dreyfus? Who's she? Am I supposed to know her?
HAYDEN: Not if you know what's good for you. Now go downtown and take the M Train to the YOB and make sure it's a one-way ticket.
LIZ: You can't kick me out of here. I'm Nikolas's bestie!
HAYDEN: I'm his WIFE! I give him Le Petit Mort. He buys 6,000 thread count sheets for ME! You're just here because your house exploded. KABOOM!
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: I cannot allow zis Doctor Feen to practice medicine in zis hospital vissout ze proper paperwork. I'm ze boss and I make ze rules.
TRACY: And my family pays "ZE MONEY" to "ZIS HOSPITAL" so you can shove your leiderhosen where the sun don't shine!
DR. OBRECHT: Aah you sreatening me, Ms. Quartermaine? I do not take kindly to sreats.
MONICA: Threats wouldn't be necessary if your put aside your lust for bureaucracy and let Dr. Finn treat his patient.
KELLY'S
LAURA: Aren't you the LEAST bit curious about The Helena Painting, Nikolas?
NIKOLAS: NOPE!
LAURA: Don't you want to know if there's some sort of hidden meaning in it?
NIKOLAS: NOPE!
LAURA: What do you think this key unlocks? I've been holding it in my hand for three straight days. I've even slept with it.
NIKOLAS: Probably one of the 9,000 steamer trunks that have been gathering dust in the attic since the 19th century. You might want to wear a mask if you go up there.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SONNY: Kristina, I'm sorry for goin' all Sonny Corinthos on you about your situation at school.
KRISTINA: Thanks, Dad. It's big of you to apologize, but I did screw the pooch by getting into this mess in the first place.
SONNY: Your professor screwed the pooch even MORE by takin' advantage of you. That's why I sicced Max on the school, to try and hunt down that professor and MAKE HIM PAY for gettin' you kicked out.
KRISTINA: Say WHAAAAAAAT???? You sicked THE MOB on Wesleyan???? Bad idea, Dad. I've been trying to shake the mob princess rap for, like, three years even if I was a totally different person then. I got myself into this mess so let ME get myself OUT. Call Max off, like, yesterday!
SONNY: If you want to call Max off, you're gonna have to do it YOURSELF because, you know, independence and all that.
HOSPITAL
MONICA: If you don't let Dr. Finn de-worm Tracy's brain because of bureaucratic red tape, you might as well have "Sue Me" tattooed on your forehead.
TRACY: And sue you I will.
DR. OBRECHT: Very vell. If you aah going to play it like zat, I vill let ze man viss ze bearded dragon remove ze vorms from Ms. Quartermaine's brain. Now if you vill excuse me, I have to inspect ze NutriGruel. Someone in ze kitchen has been slacking off.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Come on, Roxy. Eat your lettuce or you don't get any crickets for dessert.
ROXY: Playing hardball, are we, Finn? Are you gonna take away my iPad too?
DR. FINN: Keep giving me lizard lip and I just might. (phone rings)
MONICA: (over phone) Dr. Finn, we got the Mad Teutonic off your back. How's Roxy settling in?
DR. FINN: As soon as I found the thermostat and set it to 85, she's as happy as a lizard can be. I'll be right over to initiate the worm removal protocol.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
CARLY: How's Kristina?
SONNY: Right as rain. We made up. How's business at the hotel?
CARLY: Well, besides the fact that I met my first and probably last service lizard, who scarred my chambermaid for life, it's business as usual. MetroCourt 1: Battleax Lomax: Nada!
SONNY: A lizard? What the hell?
CARLY: You have not met the newest doctor at GH yet. It's so weird, he looks JUST like Silas Clay, who looked JUST like John McBain and that vampire guy. How many dopplegangers can one man have?
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Let me take a look-see at Hayden's search history. Who IS this Naomi Dreyfus?
Over at Wyndemere, Liz overhears Hayden utter the name Naomi Dreyfus and Hayden is seeing red. Laura, clutching The Key in her hands, tries to convince Nikolas to search for meaning in The Helena Painting. Monica and Tracy threaten legal action against Obrecht. Kristina and Sonny clear the air, but Krissy is still leaving out a very important piece of information about her professor.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
MAID: OMG!!!! IT'S A...IT'S A...IT'S A...I'M NEVER GOING IN THIS ROOM AGAIN!!!
CARLY: I come bearing bubbles! It's the least I could do after we got shut down for bogus health code violations. Why is my maid screaming bloody murder?
DR. FINN: She had a little run-in with Roxy, my service lizard.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT???? A service LIZARD???? What did you do, kidnap the Geico Gecko?
DR. FINN: You'll realize the absurdity of your comment once you meet her. Don't look now, but she's right behind you and she's a bit of a misogynist.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Naomi Dreyfus, what have you been up to? (types "Naomi Dreyfus" in the fake Port Chuckles search engine)
LIZ: Naomi Dreyfus? Who's she? Am I supposed to know her?
HAYDEN: Not if you know what's good for you. Now go downtown and take the M Train to the YOB and make sure it's a one-way ticket.
LIZ: You can't kick me out of here. I'm Nikolas's bestie!
HAYDEN: I'm his WIFE! I give him Le Petit Mort. He buys 6,000 thread count sheets for ME! You're just here because your house exploded. KABOOM!
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: I cannot allow zis Doctor Feen to practice medicine in zis hospital vissout ze proper paperwork. I'm ze boss and I make ze rules.
TRACY: And my family pays "ZE MONEY" to "ZIS HOSPITAL" so you can shove your leiderhosen where the sun don't shine!
DR. OBRECHT: Aah you sreatening me, Ms. Quartermaine? I do not take kindly to sreats.
MONICA: Threats wouldn't be necessary if your put aside your lust for bureaucracy and let Dr. Finn treat his patient.
KELLY'S
LAURA: Aren't you the LEAST bit curious about The Helena Painting, Nikolas?
NIKOLAS: NOPE!
LAURA: Don't you want to know if there's some sort of hidden meaning in it?
NIKOLAS: NOPE!
LAURA: What do you think this key unlocks? I've been holding it in my hand for three straight days. I've even slept with it.
NIKOLAS: Probably one of the 9,000 steamer trunks that have been gathering dust in the attic since the 19th century. You might want to wear a mask if you go up there.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SONNY: Kristina, I'm sorry for goin' all Sonny Corinthos on you about your situation at school.
KRISTINA: Thanks, Dad. It's big of you to apologize, but I did screw the pooch by getting into this mess in the first place.
SONNY: Your professor screwed the pooch even MORE by takin' advantage of you. That's why I sicced Max on the school, to try and hunt down that professor and MAKE HIM PAY for gettin' you kicked out.
KRISTINA: Say WHAAAAAAAT???? You sicked THE MOB on Wesleyan???? Bad idea, Dad. I've been trying to shake the mob princess rap for, like, three years even if I was a totally different person then. I got myself into this mess so let ME get myself OUT. Call Max off, like, yesterday!
SONNY: If you want to call Max off, you're gonna have to do it YOURSELF because, you know, independence and all that.
HOSPITAL
MONICA: If you don't let Dr. Finn de-worm Tracy's brain because of bureaucratic red tape, you might as well have "Sue Me" tattooed on your forehead.
TRACY: And sue you I will.
DR. OBRECHT: Very vell. If you aah going to play it like zat, I vill let ze man viss ze bearded dragon remove ze vorms from Ms. Quartermaine's brain. Now if you vill excuse me, I have to inspect ze NutriGruel. Someone in ze kitchen has been slacking off.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Come on, Roxy. Eat your lettuce or you don't get any crickets for dessert.
ROXY: Playing hardball, are we, Finn? Are you gonna take away my iPad too?
DR. FINN: Keep giving me lizard lip and I just might. (phone rings)
MONICA: (over phone) Dr. Finn, we got the Mad Teutonic off your back. How's Roxy settling in?
DR. FINN: As soon as I found the thermostat and set it to 85, she's as happy as a lizard can be. I'll be right over to initiate the worm removal protocol.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
CARLY: How's Kristina?
SONNY: Right as rain. We made up. How's business at the hotel?
CARLY: Well, besides the fact that I met my first and probably last service lizard, who scarred my chambermaid for life, it's business as usual. MetroCourt 1: Battleax Lomax: Nada!
SONNY: A lizard? What the hell?
CARLY: You have not met the newest doctor at GH yet. It's so weird, he looks JUST like Silas Clay, who looked JUST like John McBain and that vampire guy. How many dopplegangers can one man have?
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Let me take a look-see at Hayden's search history. Who IS this Naomi Dreyfus?
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Infestation
Tracy has WORMS in her brain! WORMS!!!! So says Dr. Hamilton "Not Silas Clay" Finn. Hayden is VERY curious about The Helena Painting. Hells Bells was the topic of conversation in pretty much every scene that didn't involve brain worms or trying to get preggers. Jason and Liz discussed The Creepy Book. Nikolas and Alexis discussed The Death Dagger and The Helena Painting. Then there was Sam floating the name Naomi Dreyfus in front of Hayden, which had nothing to do with Helena except for taking place a room away from The Helena Painting.
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: Hey, nurse, can you feed my lizard? I have his crickets right here.
LIZ: OMG! Why does the ghost of Silas Clay have a LIZARD?
DR. FINN: Her name's Roxy and she's feeling a bit peckish, so try to get some crickets in her gut before too long. See you around.
DR. OBRECHT: Nina, vat aah you doing here in zis hospital. Aah you ill?
NINA: I'm fine, Auntie Liesl. Just trying to put a bun in my oven. Britt told me my eggs were fried, but I'm getting a second opinion.
DR. OBRECHT: My Britta is a brilliant doctor, Nina! If she told you your eggs vere fried, zen your eggs are fried.
NINA: We'll see about that.
KELLY'S
ALEXIS: Congratulations, Jason and Sam. You are officially the happiest divorced couple I have ever seen.
SAM: Don't think of it so much as a divorce as a do-over. Jason and I want to start fresh.
FRANCO: Hey Jason, did Elizabeth show you The Creepy Book?
JASON: WHAT creepy book?
FRANCO: THE Creepy Book that Nikolas's even-scarier-than-me grandmother gave Elizabeth in her multimedia will reading. I have to give her props for the multimedia part. That was a page outta MY book.
JASON: Sorry, Franco, but Sam and I were too busy getting a happy divorce for me to read creepy books written by the woman who had a brainwashing chip implanted in my head.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: I can't stop looking at your grandmother's portrait. It's like one of those Magic Eye pictures. If you stare at it long enough, something will pop out at you.
NIKOLAS: This is my diabolical, curse-spewing grandmother, Hayden. I'm not sure you WANT to know what pops out at you.
HAYDEN: But I'm SO CURIOUS! Lemme get the magnifying glass!
HELENA PAINTING: My darling Nikolas, who is this most intriguing peasant you call your wife?
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: Ms. Quartermaine, it appears you are suffering from a larval infestation in your cerebral cortex.
TRACY: Larval? Do you mean to tell me I have WORMS in my brain?
DR. FINN: I'm pleased to know they haven't eaten the part of your brain that can put two and two together.
DR. OBRECHT: Vat is zis ghost of Silas Clay doing in my hospital?
MONICA: He's here to de-worm Tracy's brain.
DR. FINN: That's one way of putting it.
DR. OBRECHT: Doctor Feen, you have no privileges in zis hospital. You aah not permitted to remove ze vorms from ANYBODY'S brain. Do you heah me?
TRACY: Maybe Dr. Finn needs to remove worms from YOUR brain, Dr. Obrecht because you seem to have forgotten who PAYS for "ZIS HOSPITAL".
DR. OBRECHT: I vill NOT be mocked by patients viss vorms crawling around in zere brains!
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: Franco, vat is zat you have in zat bag?
FRANCO: Real food, Liesl. No offense, but your NutriGruel just isn't cutting it with my fake daughter.
DR. OBRECHT: Zat food is contraband, Franco! Ve do not allow vat you call "real food" in zis hospital. Howevah, I am delighted to heah zat you remembered vat a vunderbar fozzer you vill be.
FRANCO: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
DR. OBRECHT: I ran into Nina on her way to see Dr. Lee in order to, how she said it, "put a bun in her oven".
DR. LEE'S OFFICE
DR. LEE: Ms. Reeves, I've reviewed Dr. Westbourne's notes and I agree with her diagnosis. I'm afraid the coma scrambled your eggs and sent your into menopause.
NINA: Dr. Lee, do I need to remind you that the doctor who made that diagnosis stole an embryo, incubated it in her ute and passed it off as her kid for the first six months of its life? I'm here for a second opinion. One that comes from a doctor who hasn't stolen any embryos. If you help put a baby in my belly, I'll put you on the cover of the next Crimson. You could go viral, Dr. Lee. VIRAL!
DR. LEE: I work in a hospital. The last thing I want to go is viral. However, I'll do another exam and give you a second opinion as long as you get that it may be the same as the first opinion.
FRANCO: Am I interrupting anything?
DR. LEE: Ever hear of knocking?
NINA: That's okay, doctor. He's my...Franco. He can come in.
HOSPITAL
JASON: So what's this book Franco was telling me about? Some creepy book written by Helena about Jake.
LIZ: Oh, THAT book. Sorry I didn't tell you about it. I was blocking it out.
JASON: How come Franco knew about it before me?
LIZ: I put it in the locker room where ANYONE could see it but our kid.
JASON: I don't trust Franco as far as I can throw him. Why are you letting him within 500 feet of our kid?
LIZ: Because Jake likes Franco for some weird reason that may or may not have to do with Franco buying him a bike.
WYNDEMERE
SAM: Is cousin Nikolas here?
HAYDEN: What's it to you?
SAM: Does the name Naomi Dreyfus ring a bell?
HAYDEN: Who the hell is Naomi Dreyfus?
SAM: I don't know, Hayden. You tell me. Is it just me or is your nose getting a little longer?
HAYDEN: I am SO telling Nikolas on you! Get lost and let me get back to trying to figure out that Helena painting. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
KELLY'S
ALEXIS: For some reason, Nikolas, I can't bring myself to throw The Death Dagger away.
NIKOLAS: Tell me about it. I've got a painting of my twisted grandmother that Spencer loves and my wife won't leave alone.
ALEXIS: You know we're both playing into her mind games by keeping her morbid trinkets, don't you?
NIKOLAS: Think of it as Helena's one last trainwreck. You just can't look away.
DR. LEE'S OFFICE
FRANCO: What part of "I don't want to be a father" do you not understand?
NINA: But...but...I wanna have a BABY! What made you change your mind from "I'll think about it"?
FRANCO: I almost had a baby put in a washing machine, that's what! Your auntie Liesl let me watch Olivia's baby and when I had to answer my phone to talk to YOU, I dropped the kid into the laundry cart.
NINA: What happened to him?
FRANCO: He got rescued by Liesl and Olivia never knew I laid a hand on him.
NINA: See? We'd be GREAT parents, Franco! All you have to do is give us a chance.
FRANCO: But...but...aren't you too busy dropping fashion magazines out of planes to deal with 2 a.m. feedings and diaper changes? I'm far too busy being fake dad to Kiki and art therapist to highly disturbed kids and adults to worry about my own kid. For all I know, I'd leave the finger paint out for our kid to eat and he'll die.
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: Hey, nurse, can you feed my lizard? I have his crickets right here.
LIZ: OMG! Why does the ghost of Silas Clay have a LIZARD?
DR. FINN: Her name's Roxy and she's feeling a bit peckish, so try to get some crickets in her gut before too long. See you around.
DR. OBRECHT: Nina, vat aah you doing here in zis hospital. Aah you ill?
NINA: I'm fine, Auntie Liesl. Just trying to put a bun in my oven. Britt told me my eggs were fried, but I'm getting a second opinion.
DR. OBRECHT: My Britta is a brilliant doctor, Nina! If she told you your eggs vere fried, zen your eggs are fried.
NINA: We'll see about that.
KELLY'S
ALEXIS: Congratulations, Jason and Sam. You are officially the happiest divorced couple I have ever seen.
SAM: Don't think of it so much as a divorce as a do-over. Jason and I want to start fresh.
FRANCO: Hey Jason, did Elizabeth show you The Creepy Book?
JASON: WHAT creepy book?
FRANCO: THE Creepy Book that Nikolas's even-scarier-than-me grandmother gave Elizabeth in her multimedia will reading. I have to give her props for the multimedia part. That was a page outta MY book.
JASON: Sorry, Franco, but Sam and I were too busy getting a happy divorce for me to read creepy books written by the woman who had a brainwashing chip implanted in my head.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: I can't stop looking at your grandmother's portrait. It's like one of those Magic Eye pictures. If you stare at it long enough, something will pop out at you.
NIKOLAS: This is my diabolical, curse-spewing grandmother, Hayden. I'm not sure you WANT to know what pops out at you.
HAYDEN: But I'm SO CURIOUS! Lemme get the magnifying glass!
HELENA PAINTING: My darling Nikolas, who is this most intriguing peasant you call your wife?
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: Ms. Quartermaine, it appears you are suffering from a larval infestation in your cerebral cortex.
TRACY: Larval? Do you mean to tell me I have WORMS in my brain?
DR. FINN: I'm pleased to know they haven't eaten the part of your brain that can put two and two together.
DR. OBRECHT: Vat is zis ghost of Silas Clay doing in my hospital?
MONICA: He's here to de-worm Tracy's brain.
DR. FINN: That's one way of putting it.
DR. OBRECHT: Doctor Feen, you have no privileges in zis hospital. You aah not permitted to remove ze vorms from ANYBODY'S brain. Do you heah me?
TRACY: Maybe Dr. Finn needs to remove worms from YOUR brain, Dr. Obrecht because you seem to have forgotten who PAYS for "ZIS HOSPITAL".
DR. OBRECHT: I vill NOT be mocked by patients viss vorms crawling around in zere brains!
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: Franco, vat is zat you have in zat bag?
FRANCO: Real food, Liesl. No offense, but your NutriGruel just isn't cutting it with my fake daughter.
DR. OBRECHT: Zat food is contraband, Franco! Ve do not allow vat you call "real food" in zis hospital. Howevah, I am delighted to heah zat you remembered vat a vunderbar fozzer you vill be.
FRANCO: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
DR. OBRECHT: I ran into Nina on her way to see Dr. Lee in order to, how she said it, "put a bun in her oven".
DR. LEE'S OFFICE
DR. LEE: Ms. Reeves, I've reviewed Dr. Westbourne's notes and I agree with her diagnosis. I'm afraid the coma scrambled your eggs and sent your into menopause.
NINA: Dr. Lee, do I need to remind you that the doctor who made that diagnosis stole an embryo, incubated it in her ute and passed it off as her kid for the first six months of its life? I'm here for a second opinion. One that comes from a doctor who hasn't stolen any embryos. If you help put a baby in my belly, I'll put you on the cover of the next Crimson. You could go viral, Dr. Lee. VIRAL!
DR. LEE: I work in a hospital. The last thing I want to go is viral. However, I'll do another exam and give you a second opinion as long as you get that it may be the same as the first opinion.
FRANCO: Am I interrupting anything?
DR. LEE: Ever hear of knocking?
NINA: That's okay, doctor. He's my...Franco. He can come in.
HOSPITAL
JASON: So what's this book Franco was telling me about? Some creepy book written by Helena about Jake.
LIZ: Oh, THAT book. Sorry I didn't tell you about it. I was blocking it out.
JASON: How come Franco knew about it before me?
LIZ: I put it in the locker room where ANYONE could see it but our kid.
JASON: I don't trust Franco as far as I can throw him. Why are you letting him within 500 feet of our kid?
LIZ: Because Jake likes Franco for some weird reason that may or may not have to do with Franco buying him a bike.
WYNDEMERE
SAM: Is cousin Nikolas here?
HAYDEN: What's it to you?
SAM: Does the name Naomi Dreyfus ring a bell?
HAYDEN: Who the hell is Naomi Dreyfus?
SAM: I don't know, Hayden. You tell me. Is it just me or is your nose getting a little longer?
HAYDEN: I am SO telling Nikolas on you! Get lost and let me get back to trying to figure out that Helena painting. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
KELLY'S
ALEXIS: For some reason, Nikolas, I can't bring myself to throw The Death Dagger away.
NIKOLAS: Tell me about it. I've got a painting of my twisted grandmother that Spencer loves and my wife won't leave alone.
ALEXIS: You know we're both playing into her mind games by keeping her morbid trinkets, don't you?
NIKOLAS: Think of it as Helena's one last trainwreck. You just can't look away.
DR. LEE'S OFFICE
FRANCO: What part of "I don't want to be a father" do you not understand?
NINA: But...but...I wanna have a BABY! What made you change your mind from "I'll think about it"?
FRANCO: I almost had a baby put in a washing machine, that's what! Your auntie Liesl let me watch Olivia's baby and when I had to answer my phone to talk to YOU, I dropped the kid into the laundry cart.
NINA: What happened to him?
FRANCO: He got rescued by Liesl and Olivia never knew I laid a hand on him.
NINA: See? We'd be GREAT parents, Franco! All you have to do is give us a chance.
FRANCO: But...but...aren't you too busy dropping fashion magazines out of planes to deal with 2 a.m. feedings and diaper changes? I'm far too busy being fake dad to Kiki and art therapist to highly disturbed kids and adults to worry about my own kid. For all I know, I'd leave the finger paint out for our kid to eat and he'll die.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Flash Mob
A flash mob is exactly what took place at in the courthouse when Alexis and Olivia thought they had lost the suit. After a few random breastfeeding mamas off the street came in to nourish their wee ones, the shirts came off! In the hospital, Tracy asks something big of Monica. Doc Martin House (known on the show as Dr. Mayes) catches Brad and Griffin looking at Tracy's biopsy results. Nina hires Curtis to investigate the possible sabotage at Crimson. Dillon calls big brother Ned about their mom's mystery brain ailment.
COURTHOUSE
JUDGE: May I have your opening arguments?
DIANE: This lawsuit is STUPID!
ALEXIS: This lawsuit is FOR ALL WOMEN WHO HAVE BOOBS AND BABIES!
MAYOR LOMAX: PFFFFFFFFFFFFT! (major eyeroll)
OLIVIA: You GO, wife of my baby daddy!
CRIMSON OFFICE
VALERIE: Jeez, Dante, stalk me much?
DANTE: Jeez, Val, do you have to be in every friggin' place I need to arrest someone?
MAXIE: Who are you arresting?
DANTE: You. And Nina. For mass littering.
MAXIE: Hello? We hired a cleanup crew. If they didn't clean up, go arrest THEM!
NINA: I think we've been sabotaged.
CURTIS: Smell a rat? I'm your man!
NINA: You're an exterminator?
CURTIS: Ha ha! I'm an ex-cop P.I., that's who I am.
MAXIE: Why are you not a cop anymore.
CURTIS: Cuz I don't like rules. Never have. Never will.
NINA: Fair enough. If you think you can find who made our magazines green and unassembled, you're hired.
HOSPITAL
TRACY: Monica, if I become a vegetable, will you pull the plug?
MONICA: Tracy, Tracy, Tracy, do you ALWAYS have to be so MELODRAMATIC???
TRACY: Ever heard of a health care directive, Dr. Quartermaine? All you have to do is sign a paper that says that if my brain turns to mush, you will pull the goddamn plug so I can go to the great ELQ boardroom in the sky!
DILLON: (over phone) Ned, get your ass to Port Chuckles! Mom's got weird stuff in her brain and I'm afraid she's at death's door.
BRAD: Ask and you shall receive. Tracy's biopsy is in this here folder. Take a look-see.
GRIFFIN: I don't see cancer, but something looks like it could be a funky Mexican amoeba.
COURTHOUSE
ALEXIS: Where were you on January 19th?
OLIVIA: After ensuring that my infant son Leo knew how to salute the sun, I went to chat with the mayor at MY restaurant. Then my baby got seriously HANGRY and I had to feed him.
MAYOR LOMAX: MIZZ Falconeri proceeded to FLASH ME THE BOOB right in the middle of BUSINESS MEETING! Inappropriate much?
OLIVIA: My son needed nourishment, so I whipped out Mother Nature's bottle and gave him the vital nutrients he needed to survive. He's too young to order off the menu, Your Honor. For one, he can't read yet.
MAYOR LOMAX: Then, MIZZ Falconeri boob-bumped me and knocked a table over. Who DOES that to the friggin' MAYOR?
ALEXIS: Breastfeeding is legal. My client should not have been subject to BOOB-SHAMING for doing something completely legal IN HER OWN RESTAURANT.
DIANE: Maybe, but boob-shaming is also legal. First Amendment.
HOSPITAL
DILLON: I'm really worried about Mom, Aunt Monica. I don't want her to die of some mysterious brain disease.
MONICA: We're going to do everything we can here, Dillon, because, despite the many times I've secretly plotted her demise, I don't want her to die of some mysterious brain disease either.
TRACY: O to the MG, Monica, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM NED!!!
DILLON: Has stress and lack of sleep made me look THAT much older? I'm Dillon, Mom. Ned's still in Salem, or wherever.
MONICA: You win, Tracy. I'll pull the plug.
DOC MARTIN HOUSE: Munro, Cooper, consider yourselves BUSTED! I see you getting all handsy with Tracy's biopsy results! Have fun updating your resumes.
CRIMSON OFFICE
VALERIE: Curtis, why does Jordan hate you so much?
CURTIS: We worked at the DEA together and didn't get along.
VALERIE: Apparently not.
COURTHOUSE
DIANE: So what did your people say happened on the day in question?
CARLY: Objection! Hearsay!
DIANE: Who's the lawyer here, Mrs. Corinthos? ME! Who gets to ask the questions, Mrs. Corinthos? ME! Who has to answer the questions, Mrs. Corinthos? YOU! Got it?
CARLY: MY PEOPLE told me that Olivia yelled at the mayor and flipped a table. Sorry, Liv.
JORDAN: Yes, breastfeeding in public is legal.
ALEXIS: So what's a breastfeeding mother to do when someone, such as a mayor of a small soap opera town, tries to stop her from legally nourishing her infant?
JORDAN: You got me there.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DOC MARTIN HOUSE: You don't have cancer, Ms. Quartermaine.
TRACY: Then what DO I have? What has taken up residence IN MY BRAIN?
DOC MARTIN HOUSE: Beats me.
TRACY: Great! My doctor has NO CLUE what's worming its way through my head space!
HOSPITAL
BRAD: Ha ha ha ha ha! Dr. Evil is wrong! He was SO SURE Tracy Q had cancer.
GRIFFIN: Maybe my Mexican amoeba theory has legs.
DOC MARTIN HOUSE: Munro, for some reason, my patient wants to talk to you. Probably because some mysterious entity is eating her brain.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
GRIFFIN: So, Ms. Quartermaine, have you traveled to any exotic locales lately, like, for instance, Mexico?
TRACY: Funny you should mention Mexico. I ran into one of my dastardly exes there, one Larry Ashton. He plied me with liquor, then gave me some weird street food. I'd never seen tacos that color before.
GRIFFIN: Whatever it is that was in the off-color tacos is what's eating your brain, Ms. Quartermaine.
DILLON: What is it, doc?
GRIFFIN: Good question, Dillon. We need an infectious disease specialist to figure this one out.
MONICA: I know a guy. He looks like another guy who was a doctor here a year ago, before his demented ex-mother-in-law stabbed him to death. Oh, and he looks like a former member of the PCPD as well. And a serial-killing vampire. He just has one of those familiar faces.
COURTHOUSE
JUDGE: I understand what the plaintiff is saying about public breastfeeding and freedom from the shaming comments from government officials upon being exposed to a part of her anatomy essential to nourishing her child, but I fail to see the point of this lawsuit
CARLY: About that...(starts escorting breastfeeding mothers into the courtroom.
JUDGE: WHAT THE?????
MAYOR LOMAX: INAPPROPRIATE!!! INAPPROPRIATE!!! ALL YOU WOMEN ARE INAPPROPRIATE!!!!
NINA: I WANNA BREASTFEED MY OWN BABY, DAMMIT! (rips her shirt off and flashes the judge)
MAXIE: Go Nina! Go Nina! Go go go Nina! (takes her own shirt off)
CARLY: What the hell! (takes shirt off)
OLIVIA: This look familiar? (takes shirt off)
ALEXIS: FREEDOM FOR WOMEN! (takes shirt off)
JUDGE: What is this? A FLASH MOB??? FINE, YOU WIN!!!
HOSPITAL
MONICA: Dr. Finn, would you mind showing your oh-so-familiar face in Port Chuckles? My sister in law has a baffling taco parasite in her brain and you wrote the book on baffling taco parasites.
DR. FINN: Sounds intriguing. Do you mind if I bring my reptilian companion?
COURTHOUSE
JUDGE: May I have your opening arguments?
DIANE: This lawsuit is STUPID!
ALEXIS: This lawsuit is FOR ALL WOMEN WHO HAVE BOOBS AND BABIES!
MAYOR LOMAX: PFFFFFFFFFFFFT! (major eyeroll)
OLIVIA: You GO, wife of my baby daddy!
CRIMSON OFFICE
VALERIE: Jeez, Dante, stalk me much?
DANTE: Jeez, Val, do you have to be in every friggin' place I need to arrest someone?
MAXIE: Who are you arresting?
DANTE: You. And Nina. For mass littering.
MAXIE: Hello? We hired a cleanup crew. If they didn't clean up, go arrest THEM!
NINA: I think we've been sabotaged.
CURTIS: Smell a rat? I'm your man!
NINA: You're an exterminator?
CURTIS: Ha ha! I'm an ex-cop P.I., that's who I am.
MAXIE: Why are you not a cop anymore.
CURTIS: Cuz I don't like rules. Never have. Never will.
NINA: Fair enough. If you think you can find who made our magazines green and unassembled, you're hired.
HOSPITAL
TRACY: Monica, if I become a vegetable, will you pull the plug?
MONICA: Tracy, Tracy, Tracy, do you ALWAYS have to be so MELODRAMATIC???
TRACY: Ever heard of a health care directive, Dr. Quartermaine? All you have to do is sign a paper that says that if my brain turns to mush, you will pull the goddamn plug so I can go to the great ELQ boardroom in the sky!
DILLON: (over phone) Ned, get your ass to Port Chuckles! Mom's got weird stuff in her brain and I'm afraid she's at death's door.
BRAD: Ask and you shall receive. Tracy's biopsy is in this here folder. Take a look-see.
GRIFFIN: I don't see cancer, but something looks like it could be a funky Mexican amoeba.
COURTHOUSE
ALEXIS: Where were you on January 19th?
OLIVIA: After ensuring that my infant son Leo knew how to salute the sun, I went to chat with the mayor at MY restaurant. Then my baby got seriously HANGRY and I had to feed him.
MAYOR LOMAX: MIZZ Falconeri proceeded to FLASH ME THE BOOB right in the middle of BUSINESS MEETING! Inappropriate much?
OLIVIA: My son needed nourishment, so I whipped out Mother Nature's bottle and gave him the vital nutrients he needed to survive. He's too young to order off the menu, Your Honor. For one, he can't read yet.
MAYOR LOMAX: Then, MIZZ Falconeri boob-bumped me and knocked a table over. Who DOES that to the friggin' MAYOR?
ALEXIS: Breastfeeding is legal. My client should not have been subject to BOOB-SHAMING for doing something completely legal IN HER OWN RESTAURANT.
DIANE: Maybe, but boob-shaming is also legal. First Amendment.
HOSPITAL
DILLON: I'm really worried about Mom, Aunt Monica. I don't want her to die of some mysterious brain disease.
MONICA: We're going to do everything we can here, Dillon, because, despite the many times I've secretly plotted her demise, I don't want her to die of some mysterious brain disease either.
TRACY: O to the MG, Monica, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM NED!!!
DILLON: Has stress and lack of sleep made me look THAT much older? I'm Dillon, Mom. Ned's still in Salem, or wherever.
MONICA: You win, Tracy. I'll pull the plug.
DOC MARTIN HOUSE: Munro, Cooper, consider yourselves BUSTED! I see you getting all handsy with Tracy's biopsy results! Have fun updating your resumes.
CRIMSON OFFICE
VALERIE: Curtis, why does Jordan hate you so much?
CURTIS: We worked at the DEA together and didn't get along.
VALERIE: Apparently not.
COURTHOUSE
DIANE: So what did your people say happened on the day in question?
CARLY: Objection! Hearsay!
DIANE: Who's the lawyer here, Mrs. Corinthos? ME! Who gets to ask the questions, Mrs. Corinthos? ME! Who has to answer the questions, Mrs. Corinthos? YOU! Got it?
CARLY: MY PEOPLE told me that Olivia yelled at the mayor and flipped a table. Sorry, Liv.
JORDAN: Yes, breastfeeding in public is legal.
ALEXIS: So what's a breastfeeding mother to do when someone, such as a mayor of a small soap opera town, tries to stop her from legally nourishing her infant?
JORDAN: You got me there.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DOC MARTIN HOUSE: You don't have cancer, Ms. Quartermaine.
TRACY: Then what DO I have? What has taken up residence IN MY BRAIN?
DOC MARTIN HOUSE: Beats me.
TRACY: Great! My doctor has NO CLUE what's worming its way through my head space!
HOSPITAL
BRAD: Ha ha ha ha ha! Dr. Evil is wrong! He was SO SURE Tracy Q had cancer.
GRIFFIN: Maybe my Mexican amoeba theory has legs.
DOC MARTIN HOUSE: Munro, for some reason, my patient wants to talk to you. Probably because some mysterious entity is eating her brain.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
GRIFFIN: So, Ms. Quartermaine, have you traveled to any exotic locales lately, like, for instance, Mexico?
TRACY: Funny you should mention Mexico. I ran into one of my dastardly exes there, one Larry Ashton. He plied me with liquor, then gave me some weird street food. I'd never seen tacos that color before.
GRIFFIN: Whatever it is that was in the off-color tacos is what's eating your brain, Ms. Quartermaine.
DILLON: What is it, doc?
GRIFFIN: Good question, Dillon. We need an infectious disease specialist to figure this one out.
MONICA: I know a guy. He looks like another guy who was a doctor here a year ago, before his demented ex-mother-in-law stabbed him to death. Oh, and he looks like a former member of the PCPD as well. And a serial-killing vampire. He just has one of those familiar faces.
COURTHOUSE
JUDGE: I understand what the plaintiff is saying about public breastfeeding and freedom from the shaming comments from government officials upon being exposed to a part of her anatomy essential to nourishing her child, but I fail to see the point of this lawsuit
CARLY: About that...(starts escorting breastfeeding mothers into the courtroom.
JUDGE: WHAT THE?????
MAYOR LOMAX: INAPPROPRIATE!!! INAPPROPRIATE!!! ALL YOU WOMEN ARE INAPPROPRIATE!!!!
NINA: I WANNA BREASTFEED MY OWN BABY, DAMMIT! (rips her shirt off and flashes the judge)
MAXIE: Go Nina! Go Nina! Go go go Nina! (takes her own shirt off)
CARLY: What the hell! (takes shirt off)
OLIVIA: This look familiar? (takes shirt off)
ALEXIS: FREEDOM FOR WOMEN! (takes shirt off)
JUDGE: What is this? A FLASH MOB??? FINE, YOU WIN!!!
HOSPITAL
MONICA: Dr. Finn, would you mind showing your oh-so-familiar face in Port Chuckles? My sister in law has a baffling taco parasite in her brain and you wrote the book on baffling taco parasites.
DR. FINN: Sounds intriguing. Do you mind if I bring my reptilian companion?
Friday, March 18, 2016
Batman & Robin
Curtis and Valerie are the first to put the Crimson issue together. Nina thinks the Crimson sabotage was an inside job. Julian offers to help Ava. Olivia, Alexis, Diane, and Mayor Lomax have it out in court before the hearing even begins. Kristina confides in Molly. A crisis has Carly rushing to the MetroCourt.
METROCOURT LOBBY
CURTIS: How would you like to put a fashion magazine together and win a thousand bucks?
VALERIE: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT???
CURTIS: You mean you haven't seen Project Humpty Dumpty: Crimson Edition trending ALL OVER social media? Girl, have you been living under a rock? My mama, may she rest in peace, always said, "Life is like a bunch of fashion magazine pages. If they smell like the hottest new fragrance, it will all come together and win you a grand."
VALERIE: OMG, YOUR mom died too? We have SO much in common now!
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: I still think Crimson got screwed over.
NINA: I think I know who did it. Julian Jerome.
MAXIE: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT??? Why would he tank HIS OWN MAGAZINE???
NINA: Because he hired me to tank it for him. And his sister kinda hates me for fleeing the country with her kid way back when.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
MOLLY: Why didn't you tell Mom & Uncle Sonny that you're at least 10% gay?
KRISTINA: Because I might be bi instead and Dad already has one bi kid. Morgan is BI-polar.
MOLLY: But Mom, she's so progressive she makes Bernie Sanders look like Ted Cruz with a Donald Trump combover. You've gotta at least tell her.
COURTHOUSE
OLIVIA: I'm ITCHING to get this thing started.
MAYOR LOMAX: Just drop the lawsuit and take your contagion elsewhere.
ALEXIS: For the 437th time, STOP HARASSING MY CLIENT! Your big fat piehole is what got you in trouble in the first place.
DIANE: Remember that little thing called Freedom of Speech?
CORINTHOS HOUSE
SONNY: Kristina got suspended from school and lied about it.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT????
SONNY: It's all because of her crooked prof. I'm gonna have my goons NAIL HIM TO THE GODDAMN WALL! (Chucks barware)
CARLY: Yeah, Kristina will really love that. If you go all mob vigilante on Wesleyan, Kristina will never be able to set foot on that campus again.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: Ava, let me put this to you gently: You're screwed.
AVA: Gee, thanks, big brother. How comforting.
JULIAN: Your peeps are pissed and who can blame them. You sold them out to the D.A.
AVA: Who keeps a copy of THE RECORDING in his pocket at all times, ready to send me to the hoosegow at moment's notice. I'll give them all new iPads and all will be forgiven. That is, unless they shoot me while I'm delivering their brand spankin' new electronic pacifiers.
JULIAN: That's where I come in. Big Brother to the rescue!
COURTHOUSE
MAYOR LOMAX: BOOB FLASHER!!!
OLIVIA: BABY NOURISHMENT DENIER!!!
MAYOR LOMAX: You're recording this all, aren't you, MS. FALCONERI. I'M TELLING!!!
OLIVIA: You would.
MAYOR LOMAX: DEM'S FIGHTING WORDS! (Catfight ensues)
BABY UNCLE LEO: (translated from baby) GO, MOMMY, GO!!!
KRISTINA & MOLLY: What did we just walk in on?
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: Don't look now, but Crimson's Humpty Dumpty contest is TRENDING!!!!!
NINA: OMG, this actually might WORK! I've never been happier to hand over $15 grand!
HEALTH INSPECTOR: Knock knock! EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY
METROCOURT LOBBY
CARLY: What fresh HELL?
HEALTH INSPECTOR: You've been COMDEMNED, Mrs. Corinthos. The MetroCourt is CLOSED!
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
MAXIE: Please tell me April Fool's Day is coming early this year.
NINA: I think I know who's behind this. Who is the biggest boob-hater in Port Chuckles?
CARLY: Stupid friggin' MAYOR!
CRIMSON OFFICE
CURTIS: Check this out!
VALERIE: We put Crimson back together again!
CURTIS: It's like Black Friday at WalMart out there. I think I even saw riot gear.
NINA: Yay for riot gear!
MAXIE: OMG, we've totally gone VIRAL!
COURTHOUSE
CARLY: Hey, Liv, can you, by any chance, put the kibosh on this whole lawsuit thing? Boob-Hating Mayor just shut down the MetroCourt.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
AVA: Someone's sending Kiki black roses and creepy notes so you can keep Avery unless my goons accept my iPad-shaped olive branch.
SONNY: Black roses? What kinda sonofabitch sends black roses? (to himself) ME! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
METROCOURT LOBBY
CURTIS: How would you like to put a fashion magazine together and win a thousand bucks?
VALERIE: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT???
CURTIS: You mean you haven't seen Project Humpty Dumpty: Crimson Edition trending ALL OVER social media? Girl, have you been living under a rock? My mama, may she rest in peace, always said, "Life is like a bunch of fashion magazine pages. If they smell like the hottest new fragrance, it will all come together and win you a grand."
VALERIE: OMG, YOUR mom died too? We have SO much in common now!
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: I still think Crimson got screwed over.
NINA: I think I know who did it. Julian Jerome.
MAXIE: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT??? Why would he tank HIS OWN MAGAZINE???
NINA: Because he hired me to tank it for him. And his sister kinda hates me for fleeing the country with her kid way back when.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
MOLLY: Why didn't you tell Mom & Uncle Sonny that you're at least 10% gay?
KRISTINA: Because I might be bi instead and Dad already has one bi kid. Morgan is BI-polar.
MOLLY: But Mom, she's so progressive she makes Bernie Sanders look like Ted Cruz with a Donald Trump combover. You've gotta at least tell her.
COURTHOUSE
OLIVIA: I'm ITCHING to get this thing started.
MAYOR LOMAX: Just drop the lawsuit and take your contagion elsewhere.
ALEXIS: For the 437th time, STOP HARASSING MY CLIENT! Your big fat piehole is what got you in trouble in the first place.
DIANE: Remember that little thing called Freedom of Speech?
CORINTHOS HOUSE
SONNY: Kristina got suspended from school and lied about it.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT????
SONNY: It's all because of her crooked prof. I'm gonna have my goons NAIL HIM TO THE GODDAMN WALL! (Chucks barware)
CARLY: Yeah, Kristina will really love that. If you go all mob vigilante on Wesleyan, Kristina will never be able to set foot on that campus again.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: Ava, let me put this to you gently: You're screwed.
AVA: Gee, thanks, big brother. How comforting.
JULIAN: Your peeps are pissed and who can blame them. You sold them out to the D.A.
AVA: Who keeps a copy of THE RECORDING in his pocket at all times, ready to send me to the hoosegow at moment's notice. I'll give them all new iPads and all will be forgiven. That is, unless they shoot me while I'm delivering their brand spankin' new electronic pacifiers.
JULIAN: That's where I come in. Big Brother to the rescue!
COURTHOUSE
MAYOR LOMAX: BOOB FLASHER!!!
OLIVIA: BABY NOURISHMENT DENIER!!!
MAYOR LOMAX: You're recording this all, aren't you, MS. FALCONERI. I'M TELLING!!!
OLIVIA: You would.
MAYOR LOMAX: DEM'S FIGHTING WORDS! (Catfight ensues)
BABY UNCLE LEO: (translated from baby) GO, MOMMY, GO!!!
KRISTINA & MOLLY: What did we just walk in on?
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: Don't look now, but Crimson's Humpty Dumpty contest is TRENDING!!!!!
NINA: OMG, this actually might WORK! I've never been happier to hand over $15 grand!
HEALTH INSPECTOR: Knock knock! EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY
METROCOURT LOBBY
CARLY: What fresh HELL?
HEALTH INSPECTOR: You've been COMDEMNED, Mrs. Corinthos. The MetroCourt is CLOSED!
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
MAXIE: Please tell me April Fool's Day is coming early this year.
NINA: I think I know who's behind this. Who is the biggest boob-hater in Port Chuckles?
CARLY: Stupid friggin' MAYOR!
CRIMSON OFFICE
CURTIS: Check this out!
VALERIE: We put Crimson back together again!
CURTIS: It's like Black Friday at WalMart out there. I think I even saw riot gear.
NINA: Yay for riot gear!
MAXIE: OMG, we've totally gone VIRAL!
COURTHOUSE
CARLY: Hey, Liv, can you, by any chance, put the kibosh on this whole lawsuit thing? Boob-Hating Mayor just shut down the MetroCourt.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
AVA: Someone's sending Kiki black roses and creepy notes so you can keep Avery unless my goons accept my iPad-shaped olive branch.
SONNY: Black roses? What kinda sonofabitch sends black roses? (to himself) ME! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Thursday, March 17, 2016
It's Raining Crimson!
Nina comes up with a crazy idea to salvage the latest Crimson printing snafu. Ava drops by Casa Corinthos to retrieve Avery. Sonny badgers the truth out of Kristina about her suspension. Sam has a surprising request for Jason. Dr. Obrecht gives Franco a test.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: I smell a fashion-hating rat.
JULIAN: As far as I know, rats don't wear clothes.
MAXIE: What printer screws us TWICE in a row? Two strikes, YOUR OUT!
JULIAN: That would be three, Maxie, but I take it you have as much interest in baseball as rats do in fashion.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
CARLY: Lovely to see you, Ava. NOT!
AVA: Can we fast-forward to the part where you give me my baby?
CARLY: I'd rather fast-forward to the part where I tell you NO. She's napping.
AVA: Fine, but I'll be back and that baby had better be AWAKE. Kiki's un-coma-ed and wants to see her little sister. You didn't think I'd actually FORGET about her and let you keep her now, did you?
CARLY: Why should Sonny and I hand over his precious daughter to a mother who's in bed with GUN RUNNERS?
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SONNY: 'Fess up, Krissy. Tell Daddy why you got booted from school.
KRISTINA: Go mobster on me much, Dad? What, did you have one of your goons beat up the dean?
SONNY: Do you KNOW how much ill-gotten coin I've poured into that school so that you could further your education? Do you KNOW how much coffee I had to pretend to sell?
KRISTINA: FINE! I broke up with my boyfriend, forgot to go to class for an entire semester and propositioned my prof, who I guess just wasn't that into me. I was STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!
SONNY: You are a disappointment to the Corinthos name.
MOLLY: Hello pot, meet kettle, Uncle Sonny. You're in the MOB! My sister just got suspended from school. A little perspective here!
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: I would totally suck as a dad.
DR. OBRECHT: Vy do you sink zat, Franco? Ze poor, disturbed kinder in Art Serapy aah very fond of you.
FRANCO: That's because I let them finger paint even after their 45 minutes are up. I can't let my own kid spend his whole life finger painting. He has to learn to do other stuff like walking, eating, tying his shoes, learning German so you can babysit...
OLIVIA: Help me, Dr. O. I'm due in court to defend my right to give my kid the boob in public and I've broken out in hives!
DR. OBRECHT: You go in ze exam room. I'll take ze baby to ze nursery.
DR. OBRECHT: Heah, Franco. Zis is a test to show how good a fozzer you vill be. Vatch zis baby.
FRANCO: What the???
DR. OBRECHT: Good luck viss Baby Layo. (leaves)
FRANCO: Layo? I thought his name was Leo.
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: How the hell did you get these pictures back?
JASON: Your asking the guy with the crappy memory here.
SAM: I love you and your crappy memory. Can I have a divorce?
JASON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????
CRIMSON OFFICE
JULIAN: Arthur The Printer said that Unbound Crimson was a mistake. Good luck with this issue. I'm pulling the plug. (leaves)
NINA: I have the CRAZIEST idea! A Do-It-Yourself Crimson contest! We'll drop the pages from PLANES and the first 15 people to put Crimson together get to have THEIR boobs on the cover of the next issue. And a thousand bucks. It's raining Crimson! Hallelujah, it's raining Crimson!
DILLON: You do have a history of being in the looney bin, if I recall correctly...
MAXIE: Well, it WOULD be the most fashionable monsoon ever.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: You know, kid, this conversation would be a whole lot more fun if you'd chime in with your thoughts.
BABY UNCLE LEO: (Translated from Baby) Dude, do you know you have a piece of hair hanging in your face? It's really distracting.
FRANCO: Fine, be that way. (phone rings) I gotta get this. Sorry, kid. (puts Leo in laundry cart) At least these towels smell fresh. Don't go getting any ideas.
NINA: (over phone) Don't wait up for me. I'll be dropping magazine pages out of planes.
FRANCO: (over phone) But I need to talk to you about what crappy conversationalists babies are.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
CARLY: Ava stopped by. She wants her kid back.
SONNY: Not. Gonna. Happen.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Where's the kid? CRAP, WHERE'S THE DAMN KID???? Did some idiot take him to the laundry and put him in the washing machine? I hope they set the thing to delicate.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: I'm SO not going back to school now. I need a lie down.
ALEXIS: Look at the time. I have to go kick some Lomax ass and become a feminist icon.
HOSPITAL
OBRECHT: How could you lose a baby, Franco? A nurse found him in ze laundry cart and took him to ze nursery. You failed ze test, Franco.
FRANCO: What a relief. I was afraid the kid would be in the spin cycle by now.
AVA: Why is someone sending Kiki a creepy black rose?
JULIAN: I don't know. Ask your goons. I think they were hoping to get a free assault rifle for their efforts and feel gypped.
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: We need to start over and leave Jason and Sam's Marriage version 1.0 behind.
JASON: Whew! And here I thought your REALLY HATED those pictures.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: I smell a fashion-hating rat.
JULIAN: As far as I know, rats don't wear clothes.
MAXIE: What printer screws us TWICE in a row? Two strikes, YOUR OUT!
JULIAN: That would be three, Maxie, but I take it you have as much interest in baseball as rats do in fashion.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
CARLY: Lovely to see you, Ava. NOT!
AVA: Can we fast-forward to the part where you give me my baby?
CARLY: I'd rather fast-forward to the part where I tell you NO. She's napping.
AVA: Fine, but I'll be back and that baby had better be AWAKE. Kiki's un-coma-ed and wants to see her little sister. You didn't think I'd actually FORGET about her and let you keep her now, did you?
CARLY: Why should Sonny and I hand over his precious daughter to a mother who's in bed with GUN RUNNERS?
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SONNY: 'Fess up, Krissy. Tell Daddy why you got booted from school.
KRISTINA: Go mobster on me much, Dad? What, did you have one of your goons beat up the dean?
SONNY: Do you KNOW how much ill-gotten coin I've poured into that school so that you could further your education? Do you KNOW how much coffee I had to pretend to sell?
KRISTINA: FINE! I broke up with my boyfriend, forgot to go to class for an entire semester and propositioned my prof, who I guess just wasn't that into me. I was STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!
SONNY: You are a disappointment to the Corinthos name.
MOLLY: Hello pot, meet kettle, Uncle Sonny. You're in the MOB! My sister just got suspended from school. A little perspective here!
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: I would totally suck as a dad.
DR. OBRECHT: Vy do you sink zat, Franco? Ze poor, disturbed kinder in Art Serapy aah very fond of you.
FRANCO: That's because I let them finger paint even after their 45 minutes are up. I can't let my own kid spend his whole life finger painting. He has to learn to do other stuff like walking, eating, tying his shoes, learning German so you can babysit...
OLIVIA: Help me, Dr. O. I'm due in court to defend my right to give my kid the boob in public and I've broken out in hives!
DR. OBRECHT: You go in ze exam room. I'll take ze baby to ze nursery.
DR. OBRECHT: Heah, Franco. Zis is a test to show how good a fozzer you vill be. Vatch zis baby.
FRANCO: What the???
DR. OBRECHT: Good luck viss Baby Layo. (leaves)
FRANCO: Layo? I thought his name was Leo.
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: How the hell did you get these pictures back?
JASON: Your asking the guy with the crappy memory here.
SAM: I love you and your crappy memory. Can I have a divorce?
JASON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????
CRIMSON OFFICE
JULIAN: Arthur The Printer said that Unbound Crimson was a mistake. Good luck with this issue. I'm pulling the plug. (leaves)
NINA: I have the CRAZIEST idea! A Do-It-Yourself Crimson contest! We'll drop the pages from PLANES and the first 15 people to put Crimson together get to have THEIR boobs on the cover of the next issue. And a thousand bucks. It's raining Crimson! Hallelujah, it's raining Crimson!
DILLON: You do have a history of being in the looney bin, if I recall correctly...
MAXIE: Well, it WOULD be the most fashionable monsoon ever.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: You know, kid, this conversation would be a whole lot more fun if you'd chime in with your thoughts.
BABY UNCLE LEO: (Translated from Baby) Dude, do you know you have a piece of hair hanging in your face? It's really distracting.
FRANCO: Fine, be that way. (phone rings) I gotta get this. Sorry, kid. (puts Leo in laundry cart) At least these towels smell fresh. Don't go getting any ideas.
NINA: (over phone) Don't wait up for me. I'll be dropping magazine pages out of planes.
FRANCO: (over phone) But I need to talk to you about what crappy conversationalists babies are.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
CARLY: Ava stopped by. She wants her kid back.
SONNY: Not. Gonna. Happen.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Where's the kid? CRAP, WHERE'S THE DAMN KID???? Did some idiot take him to the laundry and put him in the washing machine? I hope they set the thing to delicate.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: I'm SO not going back to school now. I need a lie down.
ALEXIS: Look at the time. I have to go kick some Lomax ass and become a feminist icon.
HOSPITAL
OBRECHT: How could you lose a baby, Franco? A nurse found him in ze laundry cart and took him to ze nursery. You failed ze test, Franco.
FRANCO: What a relief. I was afraid the kid would be in the spin cycle by now.
AVA: Why is someone sending Kiki a creepy black rose?
JULIAN: I don't know. Ask your goons. I think they were hoping to get a free assault rifle for their efforts and feel gypped.
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: We need to start over and leave Jason and Sam's Marriage version 1.0 behind.
JASON: Whew! And here I thought your REALLY HATED those pictures.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Beware The Ides of March!
This is the March 15 show airing a day later because of last Friday's Nancy Reagan funeral pre-emption. Maxie is freaking because she knows something bad is about to happen to the new Crimson issue. Nina's jealous that Franco snuck off to Philly to see Liz and Jake. Epiphany thinks Liz and Franco are a thing. Sonny questions Kristina about her school situation. Alexis gets ready for her day in court. Things are going great for Jason and Sam until something arrives for his new home that shakes Sam up.
CRIMSON OFFICE
DILLON: I brought us some bubbles to celebrate the Real Women and Boobs issue of Crimson.
MAXIE: Beware the Ides of March!
DILLON: Paranoid much?
MAXIE: BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!!!! It's the 15th. God or Jesus or somebody said that March 15th is like Friday the 13th on steroids. What if the new issue is in Chinese, or Russian? What if it's BLUE???
HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM
FRANCO: (reading the book Helena gave Liz) And the old woman said to Jake, "Go forth into a world full of tedious simpletons who engage in such plebeian entertainment. Never tell a single unfortunate soul what the Grand Empress has done for you and never let her grand deeds take leave from your memory." Who WRITES this stuff?
NINA: Hello? Franco? Why won't you LISTEN to me give you the silent treatment?
FRANCO: Read any good books lately?
NINA: Why did you haul ass to Philly at a moment's notice to go visit Elizabeth and Jake?
FRANCO: DUH! Because Jake needed a new bike and it was too expensive to ship FedEx.
HOSPITAL
EPIPHANY: So what's this about you and Franco?
LIZ: There is no me and Franco, Epiphany. He's Jake's best friend/art therapist. That's all.
EPIPHANY: Uh huh.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
MOLLY: Mom, you're the COOLEST FEMINIST EVER!
ALEXIS: Aw, Jules! She thinks I'm a cool feminist! Let's go up and have more morning sex!
MOLLY: Can't unhear that! Thanks, Mom.
SONNY'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: Hi Dad! How's Morgan? Has he settled into the looney bin?
SONNY: I prefer to call it the House of Healing, but he's doin' better now that he woke Kiki up.
KRISTINA: Have you two compared bipolar meds yet?
SONNY: So, how is your independent study thing that makes no sense to me whatsoever?
KRISTINA: I'm studying very independently.
SONNY: Then how come this Parker is showin' up in Port Chuckles?
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: Nice new digs. So is the motorcycle your bed or your sofa?
JASON: Ha ha! I see you bought my tombstone with me. It will look great over the mantle.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: Well, it's not green or blue and it's in English. Does it look a little thin to you?
DILLON: No sweat. The other pages are all here. Look at all these boxes! Here's Anna. Here's Epiphany. Look, there YOU are! At least the pages are all here.
MAXIE: What are we supposed to do? Punch holes in all the pages and bind the issue with string??? WE ARE SO SCREWED!!!!!
NINA: Is it in yet? Where is it?
MAXIE: Here. And here. And over there. It's ALL OVER THIS FRIGGIN' OFFICE! SOME. ASSEMBLY. REQUIRED.
NINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????
MAXIE: BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH, I said, but Dillon poo-poohed me.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Hands off the book, Franco. We are NOT friends!
FRANCO: But we were getting along so well. Two pariahs in a pod, remember?
LIZ: You are SO not Jake's art therapist anymore. You're FIRED!!!
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
MOLLY: Kristina, you need to tell Mom about Parker because she's 2 seconds away from lawyering it out of me.
KRISTINA: What am I supposed to say? I got kicked out of school for propositioning a professor and oh, by the way, I'm gay.
MOLLY: That's a start. You KNOW how liberal mom is. She'll be totally cool with the gay thing.
KRISTINA: And Dad? Besides, I'm only about like 10% gay. Think of all the guys I've been with! Parker's my only venture into The Land of Gay.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Julian, can we PLEASE have money for a reprint?
JULIAN: Hell to the NO! Just spin it to readers as a scavenger hunt. Give them clues to find the rest of the pages. How fun is that?
MAXIE: I smell sabotage. First it's all green. Now it's all...over the place. BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!!!!
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: Where have I seen these pictures before? OMG, you TOTALLY bought back YOUR OWN artwork! That's kinda creepy.
JASON: I made artwork? I don't remember being artistic.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Good luck telling Jake he can't be my BFF anymore. Besides, once he reads The Creepy Book, he's going to need my art therapy more than ever.
LIZ: FINE, dammit! I'll let you help him but we are NOT friends! NEVER, EVER, EVER!
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SONNY: Kristina, you can run but you can't hide from Daddy. Daddy sent his favorite goon Max to do some homework on your "independent study". You've got some 'splainin' to do, young lady.
CRIMSON OFFICE
DILLON: I brought us some bubbles to celebrate the Real Women and Boobs issue of Crimson.
MAXIE: Beware the Ides of March!
DILLON: Paranoid much?
MAXIE: BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!!!! It's the 15th. God or Jesus or somebody said that March 15th is like Friday the 13th on steroids. What if the new issue is in Chinese, or Russian? What if it's BLUE???
HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM
FRANCO: (reading the book Helena gave Liz) And the old woman said to Jake, "Go forth into a world full of tedious simpletons who engage in such plebeian entertainment. Never tell a single unfortunate soul what the Grand Empress has done for you and never let her grand deeds take leave from your memory." Who WRITES this stuff?
NINA: Hello? Franco? Why won't you LISTEN to me give you the silent treatment?
FRANCO: Read any good books lately?
NINA: Why did you haul ass to Philly at a moment's notice to go visit Elizabeth and Jake?
FRANCO: DUH! Because Jake needed a new bike and it was too expensive to ship FedEx.
HOSPITAL
EPIPHANY: So what's this about you and Franco?
LIZ: There is no me and Franco, Epiphany. He's Jake's best friend/art therapist. That's all.
EPIPHANY: Uh huh.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
MOLLY: Mom, you're the COOLEST FEMINIST EVER!
ALEXIS: Aw, Jules! She thinks I'm a cool feminist! Let's go up and have more morning sex!
MOLLY: Can't unhear that! Thanks, Mom.
SONNY'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: Hi Dad! How's Morgan? Has he settled into the looney bin?
SONNY: I prefer to call it the House of Healing, but he's doin' better now that he woke Kiki up.
KRISTINA: Have you two compared bipolar meds yet?
SONNY: So, how is your independent study thing that makes no sense to me whatsoever?
KRISTINA: I'm studying very independently.
SONNY: Then how come this Parker is showin' up in Port Chuckles?
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: Nice new digs. So is the motorcycle your bed or your sofa?
JASON: Ha ha! I see you bought my tombstone with me. It will look great over the mantle.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: Well, it's not green or blue and it's in English. Does it look a little thin to you?
DILLON: No sweat. The other pages are all here. Look at all these boxes! Here's Anna. Here's Epiphany. Look, there YOU are! At least the pages are all here.
MAXIE: What are we supposed to do? Punch holes in all the pages and bind the issue with string??? WE ARE SO SCREWED!!!!!
NINA: Is it in yet? Where is it?
MAXIE: Here. And here. And over there. It's ALL OVER THIS FRIGGIN' OFFICE! SOME. ASSEMBLY. REQUIRED.
NINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????
MAXIE: BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH, I said, but Dillon poo-poohed me.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Hands off the book, Franco. We are NOT friends!
FRANCO: But we were getting along so well. Two pariahs in a pod, remember?
LIZ: You are SO not Jake's art therapist anymore. You're FIRED!!!
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
MOLLY: Kristina, you need to tell Mom about Parker because she's 2 seconds away from lawyering it out of me.
KRISTINA: What am I supposed to say? I got kicked out of school for propositioning a professor and oh, by the way, I'm gay.
MOLLY: That's a start. You KNOW how liberal mom is. She'll be totally cool with the gay thing.
KRISTINA: And Dad? Besides, I'm only about like 10% gay. Think of all the guys I've been with! Parker's my only venture into The Land of Gay.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Julian, can we PLEASE have money for a reprint?
JULIAN: Hell to the NO! Just spin it to readers as a scavenger hunt. Give them clues to find the rest of the pages. How fun is that?
MAXIE: I smell sabotage. First it's all green. Now it's all...over the place. BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!!!!
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: Where have I seen these pictures before? OMG, you TOTALLY bought back YOUR OWN artwork! That's kinda creepy.
JASON: I made artwork? I don't remember being artistic.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Good luck telling Jake he can't be my BFF anymore. Besides, once he reads The Creepy Book, he's going to need my art therapy more than ever.
LIZ: FINE, dammit! I'll let you help him but we are NOT friends! NEVER, EVER, EVER!
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SONNY: Kristina, you can run but you can't hide from Daddy. Daddy sent his favorite goon Max to do some homework on your "independent study". You've got some 'splainin' to do, young lady.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
From Beyond The Grave
Helena's will still has its beneficiaries tied up in knots, especially Laura. Curtis needs a favor from Hayden. Dante runs into Valerie at the PCPD. Alexis shows up at her new hubby's office holding a rather disturbing object. Griffin spills to Anna about his connection to Duke. An increasingly agitated Ava waits for Kiki to come out of her coma. Sonny visits Morgan at the Freedman Clinic.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: What is the deal with this friggin' KEY? What does it open? Is Helena sending me on some sort of bizarre, macabre treasure hunt?
NIKOLAS: Don't let my wacked-out grandmother haunt you from behind the grave, Mother. Didn't she torture you enough when she was alive and hissing?
LAURA: The mystery of the key is so INTRIGUING. It's consumed my mind so much that I haven't gotten around to insulting Hayden.
HAYDEN: Maybe Helena built you a new castle to live in. Or a haunted house. Yeah, I bet it was a haunted house.
KIKI'S ICU ROOM
AVA: Say something, Kiki, I'm giving up on you!
KIKI: COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA Morgan COMA COMA COMA COMA
AVA: Nurse? Nurse, Kiki's talking! She said "Morgan"
NURSE: Big whoop. It's not like I haven't heard her say that before.
WATERFRONT
ANNA: You're related to Duke.
GRIFFIN: Damn straight I am. I'm his son. Only he never knew I existed because life is a soap opera where I grew up and it seems to be one around these parts too. I even come bearing a mysterious letter from my dearly departed mother.
ANNA: Duke had a son? Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor.
GRIFFIN: So now you know why I was sorta stalking you with no intent to harm. After all, I'm a doctor and took the Hippocratic Oath.
FREEDMAN CLINIC
SONNY: How's it going, Morgan?
MORGAN: I'm in the looney bin, Dad. How do you THINK it's going? My life is crap and I broke Kiki.
SONNY: I prefer to think of this place not as a looney bin, son, but a house of psychiatric healing.
MORGAN: Since when are you politically correct, Dad? All I see in my crystal ball are about 9,000 bottles of pills.
PCPD
DANTE: Hey Val, long time no see. Guess what? I got back together with Lulu.
VALERIE: Congrats, Dante. I am totally over you now. I've moved on.
DANTE: With that dude the commish hates?
VALERIE: His name is Curtis and he gave up coke for pepsi.
DANTE: So, are you going steady?
VALERIE: That's totes NYOB. By the way, I sorta don't hate Lulu anymore even if I still haven't forgiven her. After all, she is my family and I'm celebrating the one-year anniversary of being dragged out of my apartment in Pennsylvania against my will to give my hostage-taking uncle closure, which killed my mom. See ya.
CRIMSON OFFICE
JULIAN: (sees Alexis come into office holding Helena's death dagger) I swear I haven't gone back to the mob, Alexis!
ALEXIS: What? This old thing? It's my souvenir for being my father's bastard child and the weapon she used to slit my opera singer mother's throat. Wicked stepmother went all multimedia with her will so she could snark at us from beyond the grave. She gave our daughter a penny that may or may not be poisonous.
JULIAN: A real piece of work that one and I only spent about 5 seconds in her presence.
ALEXIS: 5 seconds too many if you ask me.
WATERFRONT
ANNA: (reading the letter from Griffin's mother) Dearest Griffin. It turns out you had a father after all. His name is Duke Lavery. He's a mobster, so I didn't bother telling him I was pregnant with you. When I stalked him in this town called Port Chuckles, he'd already hooked up with this slender brunette with a British accent, so I figured I'd go it alone. Posh Spice may have gotten Duke, but I got his kid.
KIKI'S ICU ROOM
AVA: Dr. Sexypants Brain Surgeon, please wake Kiki up. She's so defying my orders and I even tried reverse psychology.
GRIFFIN: About my brain surgeon skills...they don't extend to waving a magic wand to awaken comatose patients. I can give her a quick look-see, but I'm not making any promises.
AVA: So? What do those machine thingies tell you? When will my Kiki WAKE THE HELL UP?
GRIFFIN: I'd say in about 100 years. Ever read Sleeping Beauty? Meanwhile, just be the loving vigil-keeping mother you are.
AVA: You don't know the half of it.
WATERFRONT
CURTIS: Hayden, will you co-sign for my new digs? I have exactly two friends in this town and I must have misplaced Valerie's number.
HAYDEN: What's in it for me? I left my husband with his mother, a key to nowhere, and an elegantly freaky painting of his grandmother to come here, so it better be good.
CURTIS: What? Your status as Curtis's BFF isn't good enough for you?
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Glad you're back, Hayden. Mother was driving me certifiably insane waving that mysterious key around in my face. Then there's The Painting From Hell here to keep me company.
HAYDEN: Your grandmother had a certain old-school badass charm about her, but whoever painted that made her look cross-eyed. The flames coming from the teacup were a nice touch.
HELENA PAINTING: Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break, every step you take I'll be watching you. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
LAURA: GODDAMNIT, WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KEY?????
WATERFRONT
CURTIS: Valerie! Long time, no see.
VALERIE: Can I buy you a pepsi?
CURTIS: Ha ha, very funny! Wanna hang out?
VALERIE: As long as you're not married to one of my relatives, sure! I'll have to warn you that my relatives have a way of making themselves known to me at random and very inconvenient moments.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: Anna, can I get to know my dad vicariously through you?
ANNA: Sure! You're like a little slice of Duke so we can hang out as much as you'd like.
KIKI'S ICU ROOM
KIKI: COMA COMA COMA Morgan COMA COMA Morgan.
AVA: (over the phone) Sonny, get Morgan on the phone. Kiki keeps mumbling his name and it's the only word she knows how to say.
SONNY: (over the phone) Hey Morgan, this will cheer you up. A halfway comatose Kiki wants to talk to you.
MORGAN: (over the phone) Kiki? Can you hear me?
KIKI: (over the phone to Morgan): Morgan? Mom? Hospital? Am I alive?
MORGAN: Did I wake you? Are you healed? Sorry I broke you.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: What is the deal with this friggin' KEY? What does it open? Is Helena sending me on some sort of bizarre, macabre treasure hunt?
NIKOLAS: Don't let my wacked-out grandmother haunt you from behind the grave, Mother. Didn't she torture you enough when she was alive and hissing?
LAURA: The mystery of the key is so INTRIGUING. It's consumed my mind so much that I haven't gotten around to insulting Hayden.
HAYDEN: Maybe Helena built you a new castle to live in. Or a haunted house. Yeah, I bet it was a haunted house.
KIKI'S ICU ROOM
AVA: Say something, Kiki, I'm giving up on you!
KIKI: COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA Morgan COMA COMA COMA COMA
AVA: Nurse? Nurse, Kiki's talking! She said "Morgan"
NURSE: Big whoop. It's not like I haven't heard her say that before.
WATERFRONT
ANNA: You're related to Duke.
GRIFFIN: Damn straight I am. I'm his son. Only he never knew I existed because life is a soap opera where I grew up and it seems to be one around these parts too. I even come bearing a mysterious letter from my dearly departed mother.
ANNA: Duke had a son? Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor.
GRIFFIN: So now you know why I was sorta stalking you with no intent to harm. After all, I'm a doctor and took the Hippocratic Oath.
FREEDMAN CLINIC
SONNY: How's it going, Morgan?
MORGAN: I'm in the looney bin, Dad. How do you THINK it's going? My life is crap and I broke Kiki.
SONNY: I prefer to think of this place not as a looney bin, son, but a house of psychiatric healing.
MORGAN: Since when are you politically correct, Dad? All I see in my crystal ball are about 9,000 bottles of pills.
PCPD
DANTE: Hey Val, long time no see. Guess what? I got back together with Lulu.
VALERIE: Congrats, Dante. I am totally over you now. I've moved on.
DANTE: With that dude the commish hates?
VALERIE: His name is Curtis and he gave up coke for pepsi.
DANTE: So, are you going steady?
VALERIE: That's totes NYOB. By the way, I sorta don't hate Lulu anymore even if I still haven't forgiven her. After all, she is my family and I'm celebrating the one-year anniversary of being dragged out of my apartment in Pennsylvania against my will to give my hostage-taking uncle closure, which killed my mom. See ya.
CRIMSON OFFICE
JULIAN: (sees Alexis come into office holding Helena's death dagger) I swear I haven't gone back to the mob, Alexis!
ALEXIS: What? This old thing? It's my souvenir for being my father's bastard child and the weapon she used to slit my opera singer mother's throat. Wicked stepmother went all multimedia with her will so she could snark at us from beyond the grave. She gave our daughter a penny that may or may not be poisonous.
JULIAN: A real piece of work that one and I only spent about 5 seconds in her presence.
ALEXIS: 5 seconds too many if you ask me.
WATERFRONT
ANNA: (reading the letter from Griffin's mother) Dearest Griffin. It turns out you had a father after all. His name is Duke Lavery. He's a mobster, so I didn't bother telling him I was pregnant with you. When I stalked him in this town called Port Chuckles, he'd already hooked up with this slender brunette with a British accent, so I figured I'd go it alone. Posh Spice may have gotten Duke, but I got his kid.
KIKI'S ICU ROOM
AVA: Dr. Sexypants Brain Surgeon, please wake Kiki up. She's so defying my orders and I even tried reverse psychology.
GRIFFIN: About my brain surgeon skills...they don't extend to waving a magic wand to awaken comatose patients. I can give her a quick look-see, but I'm not making any promises.
AVA: So? What do those machine thingies tell you? When will my Kiki WAKE THE HELL UP?
GRIFFIN: I'd say in about 100 years. Ever read Sleeping Beauty? Meanwhile, just be the loving vigil-keeping mother you are.
AVA: You don't know the half of it.
WATERFRONT
CURTIS: Hayden, will you co-sign for my new digs? I have exactly two friends in this town and I must have misplaced Valerie's number.
HAYDEN: What's in it for me? I left my husband with his mother, a key to nowhere, and an elegantly freaky painting of his grandmother to come here, so it better be good.
CURTIS: What? Your status as Curtis's BFF isn't good enough for you?
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Glad you're back, Hayden. Mother was driving me certifiably insane waving that mysterious key around in my face. Then there's The Painting From Hell here to keep me company.
HAYDEN: Your grandmother had a certain old-school badass charm about her, but whoever painted that made her look cross-eyed. The flames coming from the teacup were a nice touch.
HELENA PAINTING: Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break, every step you take I'll be watching you. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
LAURA: GODDAMNIT, WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KEY?????
WATERFRONT
CURTIS: Valerie! Long time, no see.
VALERIE: Can I buy you a pepsi?
CURTIS: Ha ha, very funny! Wanna hang out?
VALERIE: As long as you're not married to one of my relatives, sure! I'll have to warn you that my relatives have a way of making themselves known to me at random and very inconvenient moments.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: Anna, can I get to know my dad vicariously through you?
ANNA: Sure! You're like a little slice of Duke so we can hang out as much as you'd like.
KIKI'S ICU ROOM
KIKI: COMA COMA COMA Morgan COMA COMA Morgan.
AVA: (over the phone) Sonny, get Morgan on the phone. Kiki keeps mumbling his name and it's the only word she knows how to say.
SONNY: (over the phone) Hey Morgan, this will cheer you up. A halfway comatose Kiki wants to talk to you.
MORGAN: (over the phone) Kiki? Can you hear me?
KIKI: (over the phone to Morgan): Morgan? Mom? Hospital? Am I alive?
MORGAN: Did I wake you? Are you healed? Sorry I broke you.
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