So there are two Jason Morgans in Port Chuckles. One more and you'd have an episode of To Tell The Truth. When a flummoxed Monica talks to the cops about the guy who crashed through the MetroCourt skylight, she hints that the guy looks like Jason with his Old Face. Franco's all in a tizzy because there are two Jasons and one of them might be his not-so-imaginary, not-so-dead friend Drew. Dr. Maddox is antsy because he's in danger of having his "family jewels" handed to him by Dr. Evil from the Russian clinic. Liz is hopped up on the joy juice after being grazed by one of Dr. Evil's goons' bullets. Sam's somehow entangled in seaweed after being in the Port Chuckles harbor for 30 seconds. Patient 6/Jason #1 is swimming around trying to rescue her. Jake Doe/Jason #2/Possibly Drew is freaking out about his missing wife. In unrelated news, Joss and Oscar are dressed as Game of Thrones characters and totally NOT having sex in Oscar's mom's swanky-looking apartment. Ava and Griffin decide it's not so bad to be seen together in public.
PORT CHUCKLES HARBOR
PATIENT 6/JASON#1: Glug Glug Sam? Glug glug where are you? Glug glug, this water's NASTY! Glug glug, I'm having some seriously traumatic deja vu right now. It's 2012 again and Faison has just shot me. Glug Glug Glug
SAM: Glug glug glug Why glug glug glug am I glug glug glug so sleepy glug glug glug? What glug glug glug is that glug glug glug around my feet?
HOSPITAL
MONICA: It all happened so fast. The men with the guns. Liz being shot. Sam. My son's old face falling through the skylight. Just what did they put in that champagne?
JASON #2: What? Some dude fell through the ceiling? Why do I miss all the good stuff???
JORDAN: Dr. Q, did you see the man who fell through the skylight?
MONICA: He looked like...no, it can't be. I must have been dropping acid. He looked like... Never mind.
FRANCO: Aw, come on Monica! Don't keep me in suspense. Spill it, Dr. Q! Who did skylight guy look like?
DR. MADDOX: (to himself) Shut up, Franco. Shut up Dr. Q. Everybody just SHUT THE HELL UP!
LIZ'S HOSPITAL ROOM
LIZ: So, what did I miss?
MONICA: It was unbelievable! A man who looks like...OMG, he looks like...oh, just somebody I used to know.
FRANCO: Aw you can do better than that! That song is SO 2012.
MONICA: Speaking of 2012...
HOSPITAL
AVA: Is there any way any of this could possibly be my fault?
GRIFFIN: Um...NO! Let's hit the Rib. I'm hangry!
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: I'm telling ya, Carly! The guy who jumped through the skylight is Jason. The OG Jason. The real thing.
CARLY: Bullshit, Sonny! You totally hallucinated him as Original Recipe Jason. Your mind is playing tricks on you, dear hubby.
SONNY: This wasn't no stinkin' hallucination, Carly! I saw OG Jason with my own two eyes and heard his voice with my own two ears. So, he held a gun on me for three seconds, but then he was totally cool and told me this story about being captured by the Russians.
CARLY: Sonny, you silly goose! Jason was captured by HELENA and turned into her Goon Du Jour, but not before he was defrosted by Robin. Spinelli even reverse-engineered his face!
SONNY: I don't know who that dude is, but he ain't Jason!
OSCAR'S MOM'S APARTMENT
OSCAR: Yeah, probably not a good idea to meet my mom.
JOSS: Why not? Is she like Medusa or something?
OSCAR: Let's just go to Trina's party.
JOSS: Trina Schmina! I have a better idea.
PORT CHUCKLES HARBOR
PATIENT 6/JASON #1: Glug glug Sam? Glug glug What the...glug glug? Glug glug, I guess I need to glug glug use my special water-vision goggles glug glug...to get this crap offa Sam's feet.
SAM: Glug glug Who dat? Glug glug Strong arms glug glug Save me!
METROCOURT LOBBY:
JASON #2: Where's my wife?
DANTE: Goon #3 took her hostage. Dr. Munro seems to think the goons are from some Russian clinic.
JASON #2: Who's that dude who fell through the skylight? He sure knows how to make an entrance, but did he have to steal my thunder like that, man?
DANTE: That's what we're trying to figure out from this crappy footage. Do you recognize that blob there?
JASON #2: Could be anybody. Why was he with Sonny? Is Sonny cheating on me?
LIZ'S HOSPITAL ROOM
LIZ: Franco, you should really try some of this joy juice. It's like I'm floating on a cloud of Jason-love.
FRANCO: This night just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
OSCAR'S MOM'S APARTMENT
OSCAR: You just want to snoop around? Phew! I thought you wanted to...never mind. Let's try and figure out who my dad is.
JOSS: Does anything in this house remind you of San Diego?
OSCAR: Not really. It's a lot colder here.
JOSS: OMG, your mom reads MAN LANDERS??? That's like my stepbrother's cop partner. Small world isn't it? What's this? A letter? From 2003???? We HAVE to read this.
OSCAR: Isn't it kinda illegal to read someone else's mail?
JOSS: I won't tell Man Landers if you won't. Open. The. Damn. Letter.
FLOATING RIB
GRIFFIN: Wanna play darts?
AVA: But people will talk. You know, the neighbors will gossip all day behind closed doors.
GRIFFIN: So? Let them! It's just a game where we throw sharp objects at a board while pretending that board is the face of someone we despise. I'm seeing the board as Valentin. How about you? Sonny, maybe?
AVA: But...but...People will say we're in love!
PIER
PATIENT 6/JASON #1: Wake up, Sam! It's me! Original Recipe Jason. I got my old face back. Not that I ever lost it.
SAM: Glug glug cough cough WHAT THE???????? Glug cough pass out.
SONNY'S HOUSE
JASON #2: What in blue blazes is going on here, Sonny? Who was your buddy that you came to my party with? Have you found another bestie behind my back, man?
SONNY: Well...
PATIENT 6/JASON #1 (holding an unconscious Sam): Honey, I'm home! I brought some company.
JASON #2 & CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??????
Monday, October 30, 2017
Friday, October 6, 2017
What do you mean it's not 2012???
Poor Patient 6/Steve Burton/NuOldJason! He's trapped in a time warp from all the equine Xanax that's been running through his veins for quite possibly the last 5 years. He realizes this when Random British Dude from Last Year's Cassadine Island Storyline lets him rummage through his bag and he pulls out a newspaper dated October 1, 2017. How about if this Huxley character fills him in a little on what he's been missing in this crazy world of ours:
PATIENT 6/JASON: It's 2017?!? What in the name of Noodle Buddha is going on here? Why is it not 2012? Why are we still here? Were the Mayans wrong about the world ending?
HUXLEY: My my, what rock have you been sleeping under for the past five years? Are you lost, young lad?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Lost in a time warp, I guess. My hometown of Port Chuckles, New York is full of wormholes. I must have crawled into one...no, maybe I swam. I remember water. Lots of water. It was cold water. Are you sure it's 2017?
HUXLEY: As sure as my name is Huxley Lynch and as sure as I am to pop up in random storylines involving overseas travel.
PATIENT 6/JASON: What's next? Are you going to tell me Donald Trump is President or something completely absurd like that?
HUXLEY: Well... He's not MY president. I'm from the land of Brexit.
PATIENT 6/JASON: What's a Brexit?
HUXLEY: Buckle up, Hair Boy, and get ready for a bumpy ride!
PATIENT 6/JASON: You know what would be really hilarious? If you told me the Cubs won the World Series.
HUXLEY: As little as I care for the bollocks American version of cricket, prepare to laugh your arse off because they did, last year.
PATIENT 6/JASON: Now you're just messing with me, Huckleberry! If I had one of those fancy newfangled iPhones like that American priest guy I met in the Russian monastery, I could just Google what happened the past five years.
HUXLEY: It's HUXLEY! I don't believe you've ever told me your name.
PATIENT 6/JASON: Hell if I know! I think I left it back in 2012. The people in that freaky Russian clinic kept calling me Patient 6. When I get home to Port Chuckles, maybe people I know will remind me.
HUXLEY: Can I call you Hair Boy?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Whatever floats your boat, Humphrey.
HUXLEY: HUXLEY!!! H-U-X-L-E-Y!! Do you happen to know a blonde bombshell by the name of Ava Jerome?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Ava who? I don't know anyone named Ava. There was this blonde lady with a giant bandage covering half her face at the Russian nuthouse. She picked up my paperclip and let me get outta that house of horrors. They kept saying I was dangerous and psychotic and made me wear this face mask and sunglasses so I'd look all mysterious and crap. It got the blonde's attention and she talked non-stop, but she did me a solid by helping me get the hell outta there, so there's that.
HUXLEY: Would you like to hear a joke?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Do I have a choice?
HUXLEY: I don't suppose you do. Here goes: What does the fox say?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Is that the joke? I don't get it. What does the fox say to who? The bear, the dog, the squirrel, what?
HUXLEY: No, you silly chap. He says "Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!
Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!"
PATIENT 6/JASON: Are you sure you didn't escape from the same Russian looney bin I did?
HUXLEY: You'd better be nice to me or I'll Uptown Funk you up!
PATIENT 6/JASON: I'll keep that it mind, Hutch.
PATIENT 6/JASON: It's 2017?!? What in the name of Noodle Buddha is going on here? Why is it not 2012? Why are we still here? Were the Mayans wrong about the world ending?
HUXLEY: My my, what rock have you been sleeping under for the past five years? Are you lost, young lad?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Lost in a time warp, I guess. My hometown of Port Chuckles, New York is full of wormholes. I must have crawled into one...no, maybe I swam. I remember water. Lots of water. It was cold water. Are you sure it's 2017?
HUXLEY: As sure as my name is Huxley Lynch and as sure as I am to pop up in random storylines involving overseas travel.
PATIENT 6/JASON: What's next? Are you going to tell me Donald Trump is President or something completely absurd like that?
HUXLEY: Well... He's not MY president. I'm from the land of Brexit.
PATIENT 6/JASON: What's a Brexit?
HUXLEY: Buckle up, Hair Boy, and get ready for a bumpy ride!
PATIENT 6/JASON: You know what would be really hilarious? If you told me the Cubs won the World Series.
HUXLEY: As little as I care for the bollocks American version of cricket, prepare to laugh your arse off because they did, last year.
PATIENT 6/JASON: Now you're just messing with me, Huckleberry! If I had one of those fancy newfangled iPhones like that American priest guy I met in the Russian monastery, I could just Google what happened the past five years.
HUXLEY: It's HUXLEY! I don't believe you've ever told me your name.
PATIENT 6/JASON: Hell if I know! I think I left it back in 2012. The people in that freaky Russian clinic kept calling me Patient 6. When I get home to Port Chuckles, maybe people I know will remind me.
HUXLEY: Can I call you Hair Boy?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Whatever floats your boat, Humphrey.
HUXLEY: HUXLEY!!! H-U-X-L-E-Y!! Do you happen to know a blonde bombshell by the name of Ava Jerome?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Ava who? I don't know anyone named Ava. There was this blonde lady with a giant bandage covering half her face at the Russian nuthouse. She picked up my paperclip and let me get outta that house of horrors. They kept saying I was dangerous and psychotic and made me wear this face mask and sunglasses so I'd look all mysterious and crap. It got the blonde's attention and she talked non-stop, but she did me a solid by helping me get the hell outta there, so there's that.
HUXLEY: Would you like to hear a joke?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Do I have a choice?
HUXLEY: I don't suppose you do. Here goes: What does the fox say?
PATIENT 6/JASON: Is that the joke? I don't get it. What does the fox say to who? The bear, the dog, the squirrel, what?
HUXLEY: No, you silly chap. He says "Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!
Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!"
PATIENT 6/JASON: Are you sure you didn't escape from the same Russian looney bin I did?
HUXLEY: You'd better be nice to me or I'll Uptown Funk you up!
PATIENT 6/JASON: I'll keep that it mind, Hutch.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Return of DEM BRAIN WORMZ! (Now with Svengalis).
Popping back in because--LOL--Brain Worms! Okay, so maybe Toxoplasmosis isn't the same thing as the Mysterious Brain Worms Tracy got from eating a tainted street taco in Mexico, but Finn DID say "parasitic infection of the brain" and the last time he uttered that phrase it meant...drum roll...BRAIN WORMS!
HOSPITAL ER
ALEXIS: I brought the kid and Kristina wanted to come too. What's wrong with Sam? Don't tell me she's preggers again.
FINN: Hate to break it to you, Miz Davis, but the baby might be infested...I mean infected.
GRIFFIN: Cute kid. I'll take her and get her checked out for you-know-what.
KRISTINA: Can I go with you? I love babies! FIELD TRIP!!!!
ALEXIS: Must. Text. Julian. Why, I have no idea. DAMN why does his svengali snake charm work so well on me? So, what the eff you see kay is wrong with Sam?
FINN: She's hallucinating. She called me Silas again.
JASON: She keeps thinking some dude is in the room and that she has to protect me from him. ALEXIS: So, she's just a frazzled new mom whose hubby once was a hitman. She's entitled to a few hallucinations every now and then. Did she eat any mushrooms?
FINN: We think she has Toxoplasmosis. You know, that thing you get from cats.
JASON: But we don't have a cat. Maybe she hallucinated one. She's been talking to herself a lot lately.
FINN: Toxoplasmosis is Port Chuckles medical jargon for Brain Worms.
ALEXIS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
IN THE PIT OF SONNY ANGST
SONNY: Anybody there? Come ON! Somebody has to hang around old distilleries at night. There have to be some booze hounds in this town looking for some well-aged hooch. What do I gotta do? Go to my happy place where Morgan is still alive an sing songs to myself?
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
CARLY: Hey Liz, who's your friend?
GARVEY: Go take a long walk off a short pier or the chick bites it.
CARLY: Okay, so Elizabeth and I might not be besties and she has crappy taste in men, but that doesn't mean I want her to DIE.
GARVEY: Lookee here, Mob Missus! I got me a gunshot wound and Nursey here is gonna stitch me up so I can go back to my dirty doins.
CARLY: I have a better idea. I'll kick your ass and Liz can run like hell back in the hospital and call the cops while I yell into your ear 'til you tell me what you did to Sonny.
FLOATING RIB
SCOTTY: So here's the sitch, Jules. Your old squeeze Alexis is gonna get you off the hook by using her Lawyer Brain to do Jedi mind tricks on the prosecution.
JULIAN: Works for me. Nice bib, by the way.
CARLY'S HOUSE
OSCAR: Hey Joss, now that your mom likes me, you wanna ride bikes to some creepy old distillery with a pit beside it?
JOSS: As long as we get back before Big Bad Momma gets home and busts my ass for sneaking out while grounded for the 900th time, sure thing!
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: Good news! The baby's worm free!
KRISTINA: No Brain Worms for this little angel because, who writes a story about a baby getting Brain Worms from a nonexistent cat?
GRIFFIN: Good point. Who DOES THAT? I was pulling for Brain Worms from a metal canister full of covfefe chimera.
JULIAN: What's up? How's Sam? Is she dead of Brain Worms yet?
ALEXIS: How did YOU know about the Brain Worms?
JULIAN: Scotty slipped me an advance script from under his Rib Bib.
KRISTINA: What is KNIFEY THROATY PSYCHO doing here?
JULIAN: I knew she'd call me that too.
JASON: Hey, Julian, you're not supposed to know about my wife's Brain Worms.
JULIAN: But they're MY DAUGHTER'S Brain Worms.
ALEXIS: He had the right to know, but if I knew Scott Baldwin was going to go all spoiler on me, I could have saved you the trip and myself the dramarama with Krissy here.
KRISTINA: (pointing at Julian) I wanna give HIM Brain Worms!
SONNY'S PIT OF ANGST
SONNY: Grey skies are gonna clear up, Sonny. Put on a happy face. Twist up that tourniquet and cheer up. Put on a happy face. Wipe off that gloomy grimace of mobster angst. Don't close your eyes. Because if you fall asleep you are for sure gonna die!
OUTSIDE THE PIT
OSCAR: Aren't old abandoned buildings awesome, Joss? It's like a treasure hunt. Oh look! I found a bullet casing. Must have been some rum runners during Prohibition. I read a book about Prohibition once. Crappy time if you ask me, but I'm not supposed to be drinking booze anyway. Not gonna risk getting on your mom's bad side.
JOSS: OMG, Oscar, is that some kids stealing our bikes? I recognize them from when they got their drunk on in my mom's hot tub, which got me grounded in the first place.
INSIDE THE PIT
SONNY: Is that Josslyn and that Oscar kid I hear? What are they doin' hangin' around some old distillery at dis hour? HEY JOSSLYN! OSCAR! CAN A GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO LOSE HIS LEG GET SOME HELP AROUND HERE?
SAM'S ER CUBICLE IN HOSPITAL
HALLUCI-SONNY: Brain Worms, huh, Sam? You put a hole in my leg and you gonna blame DA BRAIN WORMZ?
SAM: He's back! He's back!
JASON: No, Sam. That's not Silas. Wait, who is Silas anyway? Did I know this guy? Anyway, the guy's name is Finn and he's the resident Brain Worms expert. You need to get some rest.
SAM: Ok. (slips into coma)
JASON: Dammit, NOT THAT WAY!
HOSPITAL ER
GRIFFIN: So if there's no cat and it can't be linked to a thermos full of Cassadine chimera madness, then it has to be the time Crazy Olivia pushed Sam over the embankment and some bird pooped on her.
FINN: Yeah, that's gotta be it.
KRISTINA: It's ALL YOUR FAULT Julian! She's your psycho sister!
JASON: I suggest you get lost, Julian.
ALEXIS: Yeah, I kinda agree. Get lost ex-hubby. But don't go too far because you're my drug now that the booze is out of my system.
GRIFFIN: Man, do I need a storyline or what? Second fiddle to Dr. Brain Worms just ain't cuttin' it. Who can I seduce with my sexy priesty doc svengali skillz?
HOSPITAL ER
ALEXIS: I brought the kid and Kristina wanted to come too. What's wrong with Sam? Don't tell me she's preggers again.
FINN: Hate to break it to you, Miz Davis, but the baby might be infested...I mean infected.
GRIFFIN: Cute kid. I'll take her and get her checked out for you-know-what.
KRISTINA: Can I go with you? I love babies! FIELD TRIP!!!!
ALEXIS: Must. Text. Julian. Why, I have no idea. DAMN why does his svengali snake charm work so well on me? So, what the eff you see kay is wrong with Sam?
FINN: She's hallucinating. She called me Silas again.
JASON: She keeps thinking some dude is in the room and that she has to protect me from him. ALEXIS: So, she's just a frazzled new mom whose hubby once was a hitman. She's entitled to a few hallucinations every now and then. Did she eat any mushrooms?
FINN: We think she has Toxoplasmosis. You know, that thing you get from cats.
JASON: But we don't have a cat. Maybe she hallucinated one. She's been talking to herself a lot lately.
FINN: Toxoplasmosis is Port Chuckles medical jargon for Brain Worms.
ALEXIS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
IN THE PIT OF SONNY ANGST
SONNY: Anybody there? Come ON! Somebody has to hang around old distilleries at night. There have to be some booze hounds in this town looking for some well-aged hooch. What do I gotta do? Go to my happy place where Morgan is still alive an sing songs to myself?
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
CARLY: Hey Liz, who's your friend?
GARVEY: Go take a long walk off a short pier or the chick bites it.
CARLY: Okay, so Elizabeth and I might not be besties and she has crappy taste in men, but that doesn't mean I want her to DIE.
GARVEY: Lookee here, Mob Missus! I got me a gunshot wound and Nursey here is gonna stitch me up so I can go back to my dirty doins.
CARLY: I have a better idea. I'll kick your ass and Liz can run like hell back in the hospital and call the cops while I yell into your ear 'til you tell me what you did to Sonny.
FLOATING RIB
SCOTTY: So here's the sitch, Jules. Your old squeeze Alexis is gonna get you off the hook by using her Lawyer Brain to do Jedi mind tricks on the prosecution.
JULIAN: Works for me. Nice bib, by the way.
CARLY'S HOUSE
OSCAR: Hey Joss, now that your mom likes me, you wanna ride bikes to some creepy old distillery with a pit beside it?
JOSS: As long as we get back before Big Bad Momma gets home and busts my ass for sneaking out while grounded for the 900th time, sure thing!
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: Good news! The baby's worm free!
KRISTINA: No Brain Worms for this little angel because, who writes a story about a baby getting Brain Worms from a nonexistent cat?
GRIFFIN: Good point. Who DOES THAT? I was pulling for Brain Worms from a metal canister full of covfefe chimera.
JULIAN: What's up? How's Sam? Is she dead of Brain Worms yet?
ALEXIS: How did YOU know about the Brain Worms?
JULIAN: Scotty slipped me an advance script from under his Rib Bib.
KRISTINA: What is KNIFEY THROATY PSYCHO doing here?
JULIAN: I knew she'd call me that too.
JASON: Hey, Julian, you're not supposed to know about my wife's Brain Worms.
JULIAN: But they're MY DAUGHTER'S Brain Worms.
ALEXIS: He had the right to know, but if I knew Scott Baldwin was going to go all spoiler on me, I could have saved you the trip and myself the dramarama with Krissy here.
KRISTINA: (pointing at Julian) I wanna give HIM Brain Worms!
SONNY'S PIT OF ANGST
SONNY: Grey skies are gonna clear up, Sonny. Put on a happy face. Twist up that tourniquet and cheer up. Put on a happy face. Wipe off that gloomy grimace of mobster angst. Don't close your eyes. Because if you fall asleep you are for sure gonna die!
OUTSIDE THE PIT
OSCAR: Aren't old abandoned buildings awesome, Joss? It's like a treasure hunt. Oh look! I found a bullet casing. Must have been some rum runners during Prohibition. I read a book about Prohibition once. Crappy time if you ask me, but I'm not supposed to be drinking booze anyway. Not gonna risk getting on your mom's bad side.
JOSS: OMG, Oscar, is that some kids stealing our bikes? I recognize them from when they got their drunk on in my mom's hot tub, which got me grounded in the first place.
INSIDE THE PIT
SONNY: Is that Josslyn and that Oscar kid I hear? What are they doin' hangin' around some old distillery at dis hour? HEY JOSSLYN! OSCAR! CAN A GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO LOSE HIS LEG GET SOME HELP AROUND HERE?
SAM'S ER CUBICLE IN HOSPITAL
HALLUCI-SONNY: Brain Worms, huh, Sam? You put a hole in my leg and you gonna blame DA BRAIN WORMZ?
SAM: He's back! He's back!
JASON: No, Sam. That's not Silas. Wait, who is Silas anyway? Did I know this guy? Anyway, the guy's name is Finn and he's the resident Brain Worms expert. You need to get some rest.
SAM: Ok. (slips into coma)
JASON: Dammit, NOT THAT WAY!
HOSPITAL ER
GRIFFIN: So if there's no cat and it can't be linked to a thermos full of Cassadine chimera madness, then it has to be the time Crazy Olivia pushed Sam over the embankment and some bird pooped on her.
FINN: Yeah, that's gotta be it.
KRISTINA: It's ALL YOUR FAULT Julian! She's your psycho sister!
JASON: I suggest you get lost, Julian.
ALEXIS: Yeah, I kinda agree. Get lost ex-hubby. But don't go too far because you're my drug now that the booze is out of my system.
GRIFFIN: Man, do I need a storyline or what? Second fiddle to Dr. Brain Worms just ain't cuttin' it. Who can I seduce with my sexy priesty doc svengali skillz?
Monday, March 6, 2017
Humpty Duke-ty
I'm back after a long time away to spoof today's show because it featured some of the batshit craziness that I miss from back when Ron Carlivati was the head writer. Here goes...
METROCOURT:
DIANE: Do I know you? I feel like I've seen you somewhere in the Soapyverse.
NORA: I've been around. Hey, aren't you the bigshot lawyer in this town?
DIANE: I am THE lawyer in this town. My gal pal Alexis fell in love with ANOTHER mobster and he made her do stuff that the bar frowned upon, so that leaves me. Speaking of mobsters, I got a huge custody case handed to be by the mob kingpin of Port Chuckles and I'm facing this badass attorney Nora Buchanan from a place called Llanview.
NORA: Yeah, I hear she's the cat's pajamas.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Hey, sweetlips, your kid got freaky when I talked to him about Sam and his new baby sister. He's all like "Helena put a ginormous curse on Sam". Better keep your eye on that one.
LIZ: Aw, Jakey has such an imagination! He could be the next Franco.
FRANCO: If your 9-year-old is freaking ME out, I'd think you'd be a little more concerned.
LIZ: Jakey just wants to be a regular kid who happens to have memories of life on a creepy island with a maniacal octogenarian. By the way, I haven't seen you mopping up any medical waste yet. Aren't you supposed to be the janitor?
FRANCO: Didn't get the gig. I was totally bummed until I got this swell job as a parking attendant.
CRIMSON
VALENTIN: Nina, you broke curfew. Consider yourself grounded. No phone for 2 weeks!
NINA: So you noticed? I thought you were busy bringing flowers to Anna Devane in the hospital.
VALENTIN: So I gave her a "Sorry You Passed Out After Breaking Into My House" bouquet, but that's as far as it went. But back to your transgression: Charlotte cried herself to sleep since you weren't there to tuck her in and tell her haute couture bedtime stories.
NINA: Awww, poor Charlotte!
VALENTIN: What about "Awwww, poor Valentin"? We need to be thick as thieves for our custody hearing. No Anna accusations in the courtroom, you hear?
NINA: Fine, then I'm not going!
VALENTIN: FINE!
ANNA'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DANTE: Do I have to handcuff you to this hospital bed, Anna?
ANNA: Controlling much? This is MY rare blood cancer, not yours. Seeing what Tracy had to deal with last year with those brain worms, I guess I got off rather easy.
GRIFFIN: Anna, why so vertical? You should be resting in this here bed.
ANNA: Crazy Olivia Jerome is on the lam! I need to pull up my big girl spy panties and lure her out of hiding.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
ROBIN: Do I have a "Kidnap Me" sign on my back? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!?!?
OLIVIA J: Oh, little Robin, this will be like old times! We're going on a little field trip down under.
ROBIN: What do you need in Australia?
OLIVIA J: Down under this hospital you silly goose you! We're going to the secret resurrection lab where my idol HELENA CASSADINE revived her beloved son Stavros!
ROBIN: Seriously??? Her again????
OLIVIA J: Helena and I go WAY back. In our previous lives, I was a flighty, two-timing chick from DC who was cheating on her disabled son with a rich playboy. She was much nicer then even if she sometimes didn't like me that much.*
METROCOURT
LAURA: Thanks, Diane, for repping my daughter. I'm fully aware she has a 7-year-old with a restraining order against her, but she's really a nice lady.
DIANE: It's no problem, Laura. When Sonny asks me to jump, the first thing I do is ask how high.
VALENTIN: Hello Ms. Buchanan. I really appreciate you hopping soap towns to represent me and Nina.
NORA: It's no problem, Mr. Cassadine. It's not like anything was going on in Llanview these days. It's been a sad ghost town since 2012. There was a brief attempt at a new-age revival, but it wasn't to be. By the way, where is this Nina?
VALENTIN: She bailed.
LULU: (to herself) YYYYYESSSSSS!
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Do you get a weird feeling that there's a dude in the trunk of this car all gagged and freezing his ass off?
LIZ: Could be. Let's check.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
OLIVIA J: Go toward the light! The glowing green light! Helena calling!
ROBIN: Oh brother.
OLIVIA J: See these fancy schmancy machines, Robin? They defrosted Stavros like a microwave warms up a Lean Cuisine. Can you help me defrost Duke?
ROBIN: Let me explain how cryogenics works. You need a not-quite-dead body. Duke has been reabsorbed into the Scottish soil.
OLIVIA J: But...but...I have a secret vial with a lock of his hair. Surely you can re-construct him from his DNA.
ROBIN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No. And don't call me Shirley. (knocks over Olivia's vial)
OLIVIA J: YOU BROKE HIM!!!!! YOU BROKE MY DUKEY!!!!! BAD, BAD GIRL!!!
ROBIN: This is what I get for coming back to the Chuckles...
CRIMSON:
NINA: (over phone with Charlotte) I miss you, Charlotte. I'm so sorry I had to do some adulting last night and work late. Total bummer. Yeah, I'll totes sing your song about stars.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Look, I found a Julian! Did I call it or what?
LIZ: Yeah, I think he might need some medical attention.
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
GRIFFIN: He's gonna live...unfortunately.
ANNA: I swear he's like a Cassadine. He NEVER DIES!
ELEVATOR
OLIVIA J: Remember me?
GRIFFIN: How could I forget those Crazy Eyes?
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
ANNA: Who did this to you, Julian? Was it Olivia?
JULIAN: I'm feeling sleepy.
ANNA: DAMMIT, JULIAN, ANSWER ME!!!!
* Back in the 80s, Tonja Walker (Olivia) and Constance Towers (Helena) both starred on Capitol and Tonja's character Lizbeth was dating Connie's character Clarissa's son Thomas while fooling around with Jordy Clegg on the side.
METROCOURT:
DIANE: Do I know you? I feel like I've seen you somewhere in the Soapyverse.
NORA: I've been around. Hey, aren't you the bigshot lawyer in this town?
DIANE: I am THE lawyer in this town. My gal pal Alexis fell in love with ANOTHER mobster and he made her do stuff that the bar frowned upon, so that leaves me. Speaking of mobsters, I got a huge custody case handed to be by the mob kingpin of Port Chuckles and I'm facing this badass attorney Nora Buchanan from a place called Llanview.
NORA: Yeah, I hear she's the cat's pajamas.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Hey, sweetlips, your kid got freaky when I talked to him about Sam and his new baby sister. He's all like "Helena put a ginormous curse on Sam". Better keep your eye on that one.
LIZ: Aw, Jakey has such an imagination! He could be the next Franco.
FRANCO: If your 9-year-old is freaking ME out, I'd think you'd be a little more concerned.
LIZ: Jakey just wants to be a regular kid who happens to have memories of life on a creepy island with a maniacal octogenarian. By the way, I haven't seen you mopping up any medical waste yet. Aren't you supposed to be the janitor?
FRANCO: Didn't get the gig. I was totally bummed until I got this swell job as a parking attendant.
CRIMSON
VALENTIN: Nina, you broke curfew. Consider yourself grounded. No phone for 2 weeks!
NINA: So you noticed? I thought you were busy bringing flowers to Anna Devane in the hospital.
VALENTIN: So I gave her a "Sorry You Passed Out After Breaking Into My House" bouquet, but that's as far as it went. But back to your transgression: Charlotte cried herself to sleep since you weren't there to tuck her in and tell her haute couture bedtime stories.
NINA: Awww, poor Charlotte!
VALENTIN: What about "Awwww, poor Valentin"? We need to be thick as thieves for our custody hearing. No Anna accusations in the courtroom, you hear?
NINA: Fine, then I'm not going!
VALENTIN: FINE!
ANNA'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DANTE: Do I have to handcuff you to this hospital bed, Anna?
ANNA: Controlling much? This is MY rare blood cancer, not yours. Seeing what Tracy had to deal with last year with those brain worms, I guess I got off rather easy.
GRIFFIN: Anna, why so vertical? You should be resting in this here bed.
ANNA: Crazy Olivia Jerome is on the lam! I need to pull up my big girl spy panties and lure her out of hiding.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
ROBIN: Do I have a "Kidnap Me" sign on my back? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!?!?
OLIVIA J: Oh, little Robin, this will be like old times! We're going on a little field trip down under.
ROBIN: What do you need in Australia?
OLIVIA J: Down under this hospital you silly goose you! We're going to the secret resurrection lab where my idol HELENA CASSADINE revived her beloved son Stavros!
ROBIN: Seriously??? Her again????
OLIVIA J: Helena and I go WAY back. In our previous lives, I was a flighty, two-timing chick from DC who was cheating on her disabled son with a rich playboy. She was much nicer then even if she sometimes didn't like me that much.*
METROCOURT
LAURA: Thanks, Diane, for repping my daughter. I'm fully aware she has a 7-year-old with a restraining order against her, but she's really a nice lady.
DIANE: It's no problem, Laura. When Sonny asks me to jump, the first thing I do is ask how high.
VALENTIN: Hello Ms. Buchanan. I really appreciate you hopping soap towns to represent me and Nina.
NORA: It's no problem, Mr. Cassadine. It's not like anything was going on in Llanview these days. It's been a sad ghost town since 2012. There was a brief attempt at a new-age revival, but it wasn't to be. By the way, where is this Nina?
VALENTIN: She bailed.
LULU: (to herself) YYYYYESSSSSS!
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Do you get a weird feeling that there's a dude in the trunk of this car all gagged and freezing his ass off?
LIZ: Could be. Let's check.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
OLIVIA J: Go toward the light! The glowing green light! Helena calling!
ROBIN: Oh brother.
OLIVIA J: See these fancy schmancy machines, Robin? They defrosted Stavros like a microwave warms up a Lean Cuisine. Can you help me defrost Duke?
ROBIN: Let me explain how cryogenics works. You need a not-quite-dead body. Duke has been reabsorbed into the Scottish soil.
OLIVIA J: But...but...I have a secret vial with a lock of his hair. Surely you can re-construct him from his DNA.
ROBIN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No. And don't call me Shirley. (knocks over Olivia's vial)
OLIVIA J: YOU BROKE HIM!!!!! YOU BROKE MY DUKEY!!!!! BAD, BAD GIRL!!!
ROBIN: This is what I get for coming back to the Chuckles...
CRIMSON:
NINA: (over phone with Charlotte) I miss you, Charlotte. I'm so sorry I had to do some adulting last night and work late. Total bummer. Yeah, I'll totes sing your song about stars.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Look, I found a Julian! Did I call it or what?
LIZ: Yeah, I think he might need some medical attention.
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
GRIFFIN: He's gonna live...unfortunately.
ANNA: I swear he's like a Cassadine. He NEVER DIES!
ELEVATOR
OLIVIA J: Remember me?
GRIFFIN: How could I forget those Crazy Eyes?
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
ANNA: Who did this to you, Julian? Was it Olivia?
JULIAN: I'm feeling sleepy.
ANNA: DAMMIT, JULIAN, ANSWER ME!!!!
* Back in the 80s, Tonja Walker (Olivia) and Constance Towers (Helena) both starred on Capitol and Tonja's character Lizbeth was dating Connie's character Clarissa's son Thomas while fooling around with Jordy Clegg on the side.
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