THE HAUNTED STAR
NATHAN: Jake Doe, you're under arrest for taking a hostage, aiding the escape of an international terrorist and shooting yours truly. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.
JAKE: Wait, I don't remember doing any of those things.
NATHAN: Tell it to the judge, pal.
MAXIE: OMG, Nathan is arresting the hot bartender. He IS the jealous type!
LULU: Where's Dante?
TRACY: Where's Luke?
NATHAN: Sorry Maxie. Gonna have to miss this shindig on account of having to arrest this guy. At least I took away your eye candy.
LULU: You can say that again. Nathan, where's Dante?
NATHAN: Dunno. He's not at the station.
PIER
FLUKE: What's with this getup, Helena? Are we courting Vladimir Putin?
HELENA: Am I the only one who knows it's January in upstate New York?
FLUKE: So did your Soldier Boy-Toy do his homework?
HELENA: Such little faith you have. Jake has fulfilled his obligation and he has planted a bomb aboard the Haunted Star. All those people who irk you so will be completely annihilated tonight.
FLUKE: Let's hope so. I need to make a cameo at this hootenanny to make it all look legit. Besides, Tracy's probably got her panties tied in a knot wondering where I am as we speak.
HELENA: Make sure to get off that boat before it goes Clink BOOM! I don't want to take my eye out popping the champagne cork.
FLUKE: Nice to know you need me. Don't worry. I'll be off of that doomed vessel before it blows sky high.
TRANSFER VAN
FRANCO: I've gotta save Nina from my crazy mother.
AVA: Pfft! If Heather hacks Nina into a million pieces, the bitch deserved it. She DRUGGED ME and STOLE MY BABY.
FRANCO: You're one to talk, cold-blooded killer.
SONNY: Will the two of you shut the hell up? How's a guy supposed to plan his next move with you two chatterboxes flapping your gums the whole way?
AVA: What are you gonna do if we don't shut up? Kill me? Like you tried to do with that guard in Pentonville?
SONNY: If I wanted that guard to kill you, you'd be dead already. You were our ticket out of here. That's not to say I still don't hate your guts.
JULIAN: I TOLD you it wasn't Sonny.
SHADYBROOK
HEATHER: Nina, I've got a surprise for you!
NINA: Thanks Diana! You're so sweet!
HEATHER: It's makeover day at the nuthouse!
NINA: Oh Goody! I love makeovers.
HEATHER: By the way, my name is so not Diana Taylor. She was the woman I sold my firstborn to.
NINA: You SOLD your KID? Why?
HEATHER: I needed the dough. I regretted it though. Until I sold my second kid, who became a famous artist.
NINA: A famous artist?
HEATHER: More like infamous. My name is Heather Webber and I'm FRANCO'S MOTHER! SURPRISE!!!!
ELM STREET BASEMENT
DANTE: Must. Wake. Up. Must. Find. Luke. What's that sound?
HAUNTED STAR
FLUKE: You can hang up the phone Spanky. I'm right here!
TRACY: Luke, you scared the crap out of me! Where have you been?
FLUKE: Just hanging out at my old condemned residence, reminiscing about old times and saying good bye.
BOBBIE: Luke, you're here!
FLUKE: Put her there, Barbara Jean!
LULU: Daddy! I'm so glad you made it. Have you seen Dante?
FLUKE: As a matter of fact, I saw him at the house. He's still pissed about Johnny and was feeling passive-aggressive, so don't expect him at the party tonight.
LULU: Damn it, Dante!
PCPD
CARLY: Sam, I'm sorry I didn't believe Jake was a masked hitman.
SAM: And he stole my PHOENIX too!
CARLY: Your WHAT?
SAM: My figurine that Jason gave me. Jake broke in while Patrick and I were having sex and STOLE IT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER ME!
CARLY: Whatever. I found a gun and mask in his Official Assassin Duffel Bag when he collapsed on the docks and was taken to the hospital.
SAM: He has an Official Assassin Duffel Bag? Well that seals the deal! Jake is bad, bad news!
JAKE: You turned me in, Carly?
CARLY: You lied to me about seeing Kevin Collins. I talked to him and as far as he's concerned, you don't exist. He thinks Jake is all in my head.
JAKE: What do you mean? I told you I went to see him that day you and Sam were at the Nurse's Station. Do you think I went into his office and just stared at the wall?
CARLY: I don't know what to think, Jake, but when you lie to me about seeing a shrink and make a fool out of me, that's reason to call the cops.
PIER
HELENA: Nikolas, just where do you think you're going?
NIKOLAS: Why are you addressing me in public? You know our unholy alliance has to stay on the down low.
IVY: Who is this lady?
HELENA: I'm a friend of the Cassadine Family.
NIKOLAS: Yeah, that's it.
HELENA: I must speak with you, ALONE!
IVY: Don't mind me. I'll just go to the party without you. Maybe I'll run into Kyle Sloane there.
NIKOLAS: What's the big deal? I'm on a date here.
HELENA: Spending a quiet evening at Wyndemere with this Emily doppelganger?
NIKOLAS: No, we are going to a party on the Haunted Star.
HELENA: NYET!
NIKOLAS: What was that? Speak English, grandmother.
HELENA: Like hell you're going to that party! Gentlemen, please see to it that my overly social grandson remains safe and grounded at Wyndemere.
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: Hey Lulu! Why so glum?
LULU: Dad told me Dante is not coming to the party because of you.
JOHNNY: You could use some liquid refreshment. What happened to that bartender?
LULU: Arrested. Can you believe it?
MICHAEL: Thank you, Sabrina, for agreeing to work at my clinic.
SABRINA: Thank you for giving me a job after I got fired from GH for trying to kill Ava Jerome's baby.
MICHAEL: I tried to kill the guy who I used to call Dad so we're even.
TRANSFER VAN
SONNY: We need to warn Michael and Lucas that Luke's impostor is after them.
JULIAN: Good idea. partner.
SONNY: I could call Michael, but I've been there, done that, and he won't listen to me. How about you call Lucas?
JULIAN: Will do. Hey Lucas? It's Dad.
LUCAS: Hey Dad. What's up?
JULIAN: Where are you?
LUCAS: I'm at a party.
JULIAN: Is Luke Spencer at this party?
LUCAS: Yeah, why?
JULIAN: Get...there...dangerous...Michael...
LUCAS: You're breaking up, Dad. What did you say?
JULIAN: Lucas...hear...me?
LUCAS: Dad?
JULIAN: Crap. The phone just died.
HAUNTED STAR
MICHAEL: What's up, Lucas?
LUCAS: I was talking to my dad. He sounded really worried but I lost the connection.
MICHAEL: Wonder that that was about.
PCPD
COP: Problem with the Pentonville transfer of Madeline Reeves. Four inmates hijacked the van.
NATHAN: Say WHAT? Who were they?
COP: Ava Jerome, Franco, Julian Jerome and Sonny Corinthos.
TRANSFER VAN
JULIAN: Someone is following us
SONNY: CRAP! Is it the cops?
JULIAN: I don't think so. I think it's Bill Eckert.
SONNY: LOOK OUT!!! Car crashes
ELM STREET BASMENT
DANTE: Lulu...called...Luke? Luke, can you hear me? HOLY CRAP! A ZOMBIE!!!!
BOMB: Tick tock tick tock tick tock
HAUNTED STAR:
BOMB: Tick tock tick tock tick tock.
PCPD
JAKE: I know you won't believe me but I don't remember taking you hostage.
SAM: It's not about that. WHY DID YOU TAKE MY PHOENIX?????
Friday, January 30, 2015
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Busted!
Jake's dirty dealings as Helena's Soldier Boy get him cuffed, but not before he planted a bomb on the Haunted Star.
PIER
JAKE: Hey bartender! I can give you a hand with that. Knocks out bartender. Sorry, man. That's what you get for being in the vicinity of someone who's "active".
PENTONVILLE
MADELINE: I can't wait to get out of this place. Orange is definitely not the new black.
AVA: OMG, there's that guard who tried to kill me!
MADELINE: Great, more paranoia.
AVA: Sonny had to have sent him. You're on your own, sister.
MADELINE: So much for testifying on my behalf.
AVA: Yeah, well, I can't testify if I'm DEAD.
GUARD: You're coming with me, Miss Jerome.
AVA: Like hell I am.
GUARD: Just try and stop me.
AVA: Don't be stupid. How would it look if a guard killed one of the prisoners?
GUARD: I'll claim self defense.
SONNY: Not if I have anything to do with it.
AVA: I see. So you want to kill me yourself now, Sonny?
SONNY: Not yet. You're our ticket out of here. You and Nutty Nina's mother.
FRANCO: Move it or lose it, people. The bus is about to leave the station.
MADELINE: I'm not having any part of this.
GUARDS: Freeze!
MADELINE: Don't shoot! At least don't shoot me. I don't know these people.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Where's Dante? Why haven't I heard from him? Is he still pissed about Johnny?
MAXIE: Join the club. Nathan's late too. Come to think of it, I think he hates Johnny almost as much as Dante does.
LULU: Hey, look! It's the cute bartender from the Metro Court!
MAXIE: How did you swing that?
LULU: I guess he works with the caterer. Hi. I'm Lulu.
JAKE: I'm Jake. Where should I put the booze?
LULU: Below deck.
JAKE: Will do.
MAXIE: Goody goody gumdrops! We get to stare at HIM all night!
LULU: I KNOW, right?
JAKE: Plants bomb behind bar. Looks lost and confused. Hmmm
LULU: Anything wrong?
JAKE: Where do I put the empties?
LULU: Someone else will take care of those. You just worry about tending bar, kay?
BOMB: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock...
PCPD
CARLY: Where's Dante?
NATHAN: He's not in. What's the trouble?
CARLY: You know that guy Jake? I think he's in trouble but he doesn't know what he did to get in trouble.
NATHAN: Oooookaaaay, what did he do?
CARLY: He's been acting all weird and having blackouts. I think he might have committed a crime that he isn't aware he committed.
NATHAN: Oh fun. Riddles. I need more to go on.
CARLY: I think he helped Faison escape.
NATHAN: Do you have any evidence besides bizarre behavior and memory lapses?
CARLY: It's all in the Duffel Bag of Mystery.
NATHAN: Well, there is a gun in there. Do you think this is the gun used to shoot me?
CARLY: I don't want it to be but I think it is.
NATHAN: I'll have ballistics check it out.
CARLY: I sure hope I'm wrong. My famous instincts say he's a good guy but he sort of lied to me about seeing Dr. Collins. That is, he didn't lie on purpose because he has no memory of lying.
NATHAN: Did he seem like a professional hitman to you?
CARLY: Kinda sorta. At least when he took down Carlos he did. But I think some exterior force beyond his control is making him do stuff. Maybe it's the devil.
NATHAN: Well, ballistics confirmed that the gun in that bag was the one used to shoot me. Looks like we have to arrest him.
CARLY: Oh man! Did I do the right thing? I'm SO CONFLICTED!
BRAD'S APARTMENT
BRAD: I love you, Lucas.
LUCAS: I have to get dressed.
SAM: My phoenix! What is it doing here? Brad, did you steal it?
BRAD: No, Lucas gave it to me.
SAM: Lucas, did you take my phoenix?
LUCAS: I found it on the docks.
SAM: What was it doing there?
LUCAS: Beats me. I thought it was kinda cute so I picked it up and brought it here.
PATRICK: When did you find it on the docks.
LUCAS: The day Jake was brought in.
SAM: I knew Jake had something to do with this!
HAUNTED STAR
MICHAEL: Thank you, Tracy, for making this possible.
TRACY: You mean for being ousted at ELQ so you could take over?
MICHAEL: Hello, Tracy? Trying to thank you here. Not start a fight.
TRACY: You're right. I'm just worried about Luke. He's disappeared again.
MICHAEL: Par for the course. I'm grateful to you for changing his mind about the Elm Street house, though.
TRACY: How are things going with that property?
MICHAEL: Funny thing happened. The building was condemned.
BOMB: Tick tock tick tock tick tock...
ELM STREET HOUSE:
FLUKE: The cop's down for the count.
LUKE: WERT DERD YER DER TER DERNTER?
FLUKE: You're gonna have to speak more clearly. Rips duct tape off of Luke's mouth
LUKE: What did you do to Dante? Leave him out of this feud between you and me.
FLUKE: He wouldn't stay out of it. He dug up Eckert's grave.
LUKE: So you are Bill Eckert after all.
FLUKE: Bill Eckert, Schill Eckert! Why does everyone keep talking about this guy?
LUKE: Then who the hell are you?
FLUKE: Like I'm gonna tell you. Tonight, I'm gonna watch your loved ones and that yacht, The Haunted Star blow to smithereens.
LUKE: WHY????
FLUKE: Just for the sheer fun of it all. Now I'm gonna go get dressed for the shindig.
LUKE: Don't go! We're not finished here!
HAUNTED STAR:
JAKE: The deed is done, Mrs. Cassadine
MAXIE: Nathan, you'd better be on your way.
NATHAN: Got tied up at work.
MAXIE: That cute bartender Jake is here.
NATHAN: On my way.
MAXIE: Nathan, why aren't you dressed?
NATHAN: I'm here on police business. Jake Doe. You're under arrest.
ELM STREET HOUSE
FLUKE: Look at me. All dressed to the nines. I have a surprise for you and your dear son-in-law.
LUKE: What's this?
FLUKE: Bomb's away!
PIER
JAKE: Hey bartender! I can give you a hand with that. Knocks out bartender. Sorry, man. That's what you get for being in the vicinity of someone who's "active".
PENTONVILLE
MADELINE: I can't wait to get out of this place. Orange is definitely not the new black.
AVA: OMG, there's that guard who tried to kill me!
MADELINE: Great, more paranoia.
AVA: Sonny had to have sent him. You're on your own, sister.
MADELINE: So much for testifying on my behalf.
AVA: Yeah, well, I can't testify if I'm DEAD.
GUARD: You're coming with me, Miss Jerome.
AVA: Like hell I am.
GUARD: Just try and stop me.
AVA: Don't be stupid. How would it look if a guard killed one of the prisoners?
GUARD: I'll claim self defense.
SONNY: Not if I have anything to do with it.
AVA: I see. So you want to kill me yourself now, Sonny?
SONNY: Not yet. You're our ticket out of here. You and Nutty Nina's mother.
FRANCO: Move it or lose it, people. The bus is about to leave the station.
MADELINE: I'm not having any part of this.
GUARDS: Freeze!
MADELINE: Don't shoot! At least don't shoot me. I don't know these people.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Where's Dante? Why haven't I heard from him? Is he still pissed about Johnny?
MAXIE: Join the club. Nathan's late too. Come to think of it, I think he hates Johnny almost as much as Dante does.
LULU: Hey, look! It's the cute bartender from the Metro Court!
MAXIE: How did you swing that?
LULU: I guess he works with the caterer. Hi. I'm Lulu.
JAKE: I'm Jake. Where should I put the booze?
LULU: Below deck.
JAKE: Will do.
MAXIE: Goody goody gumdrops! We get to stare at HIM all night!
LULU: I KNOW, right?
JAKE: Plants bomb behind bar. Looks lost and confused. Hmmm
LULU: Anything wrong?
JAKE: Where do I put the empties?
LULU: Someone else will take care of those. You just worry about tending bar, kay?
BOMB: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock...
PCPD
CARLY: Where's Dante?
NATHAN: He's not in. What's the trouble?
CARLY: You know that guy Jake? I think he's in trouble but he doesn't know what he did to get in trouble.
NATHAN: Oooookaaaay, what did he do?
CARLY: He's been acting all weird and having blackouts. I think he might have committed a crime that he isn't aware he committed.
NATHAN: Oh fun. Riddles. I need more to go on.
CARLY: I think he helped Faison escape.
NATHAN: Do you have any evidence besides bizarre behavior and memory lapses?
CARLY: It's all in the Duffel Bag of Mystery.
NATHAN: Well, there is a gun in there. Do you think this is the gun used to shoot me?
CARLY: I don't want it to be but I think it is.
NATHAN: I'll have ballistics check it out.
CARLY: I sure hope I'm wrong. My famous instincts say he's a good guy but he sort of lied to me about seeing Dr. Collins. That is, he didn't lie on purpose because he has no memory of lying.
NATHAN: Did he seem like a professional hitman to you?
CARLY: Kinda sorta. At least when he took down Carlos he did. But I think some exterior force beyond his control is making him do stuff. Maybe it's the devil.
NATHAN: Well, ballistics confirmed that the gun in that bag was the one used to shoot me. Looks like we have to arrest him.
CARLY: Oh man! Did I do the right thing? I'm SO CONFLICTED!
BRAD'S APARTMENT
BRAD: I love you, Lucas.
LUCAS: I have to get dressed.
SAM: My phoenix! What is it doing here? Brad, did you steal it?
BRAD: No, Lucas gave it to me.
SAM: Lucas, did you take my phoenix?
LUCAS: I found it on the docks.
SAM: What was it doing there?
LUCAS: Beats me. I thought it was kinda cute so I picked it up and brought it here.
PATRICK: When did you find it on the docks.
LUCAS: The day Jake was brought in.
SAM: I knew Jake had something to do with this!
HAUNTED STAR
MICHAEL: Thank you, Tracy, for making this possible.
TRACY: You mean for being ousted at ELQ so you could take over?
MICHAEL: Hello, Tracy? Trying to thank you here. Not start a fight.
TRACY: You're right. I'm just worried about Luke. He's disappeared again.
MICHAEL: Par for the course. I'm grateful to you for changing his mind about the Elm Street house, though.
TRACY: How are things going with that property?
MICHAEL: Funny thing happened. The building was condemned.
BOMB: Tick tock tick tock tick tock...
ELM STREET HOUSE:
FLUKE: The cop's down for the count.
LUKE: WERT DERD YER DER TER DERNTER?
FLUKE: You're gonna have to speak more clearly. Rips duct tape off of Luke's mouth
LUKE: What did you do to Dante? Leave him out of this feud between you and me.
FLUKE: He wouldn't stay out of it. He dug up Eckert's grave.
LUKE: So you are Bill Eckert after all.
FLUKE: Bill Eckert, Schill Eckert! Why does everyone keep talking about this guy?
LUKE: Then who the hell are you?
FLUKE: Like I'm gonna tell you. Tonight, I'm gonna watch your loved ones and that yacht, The Haunted Star blow to smithereens.
LUKE: WHY????
FLUKE: Just for the sheer fun of it all. Now I'm gonna go get dressed for the shindig.
LUKE: Don't go! We're not finished here!
HAUNTED STAR:
JAKE: The deed is done, Mrs. Cassadine
MAXIE: Nathan, you'd better be on your way.
NATHAN: Got tied up at work.
MAXIE: That cute bartender Jake is here.
NATHAN: On my way.
MAXIE: Nathan, why aren't you dressed?
NATHAN: I'm here on police business. Jake Doe. You're under arrest.
ELM STREET HOUSE
FLUKE: Look at me. All dressed to the nines. I have a surprise for you and your dear son-in-law.
LUKE: What's this?
FLUKE: Bomb's away!
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
What Did The Hallucination Say To You?
Because all hallucinations like to run their mouths, right?
CEMETERY
HELENA: Why didn't you kill Sam and Dr. Drake?
JAKE: Because of a hallucination, a ring, and a figurine.
HELENA: Let's start with the hallucination. What did you hallucinate?
JAKE: A woman in scrubs and a Dora the Explorer haircut who started talking to me.
HELENA: And what did the hallucination say?
JAKE: That I shouldn't listen to you..
HELENA: She is insignificant. Forget about her and the rings and the figurine. Forget I sent you to kill Sam and Dr. Drake. You have a new assignment. You are to place explosives on board a yacht called The Haunted Star.
JAKE: Why?
HELENA: Because I said so.
JAKE: I don't want to blow up Carly.
HELENA: Carly is not your friend. Carly is the enemy.
DR. COLLINS' OFFICE
FAUX KEVIN: I'm here, Carly. Where's the patient?
CARLY: Good question. I haven't a clue. He was here and then he disappeared.
FAUX KEVIN: Maybe he joined The Church of Scientology.
CARLY: I don't think it's that. I wonder where he could be. You gave him a clean bill of health, but he's still not right.
FAUX KEVIN: How could I have given him a clean bill of health when I've never seen him?
CARLY: Of course you've seen him. Unless you have him confused with another patient.
FAUX KEVIN: I don't think so. I don't confuse my patients. Your friend Jake is lying to you.
CARLY: This doesn't make ANY SENSE! He wouldn't lie to me. My instincts say he's a good person.
FAUX KEVIN: All I can tell you is that I've never had a session with the guy.
CARLY: I'm gonna turn him into the cops. That'll teach him a lesson.
PENTONVILLE
AVA: Guess what, Madeline. I'm coming with you.
MADELINE: That's hilarious. Thanks for the laugh, Ava.
AVA: I'm serious. I'm going to testify at your trial.
MADELINE: Like they'd take the word of a convicted murderer.
AVA: I'm testifying for YOUR SIDE.
MADELINE: Even more hilarity! Who knew you were such a comedienne, Ava?
AVA: You'll see how funny I am once they pick BOTH of us up to board the transport van.
ELM STREET HOUSE
FLUKE: Just what do you think you're doing here?
DANTE: What cops do. I'm a detective and I detect something in the basement.
FLUKE: Where's your warrant?
DANTE: Don't need one, because YOU are going to open the damn door and show me around down there.
FLUKE: I don't think so. It's condemned. Unsafe. The supports are rotting.
DANTE: I'll take my chances. I have to rescue my father-in-law.
FLUKE: You mean me?
DANTE: No, because you're not Luke Spencer. You're Bill Eckert.
FLUKE: Again with the Bill Eckert thing. What makes you think I'm him?
DANTE: draws his gun. Just shut up and cuff yourself to the railing.
PENTONVILLE
FRANCO: I want in on the prison break.
SONNY: Not a chance.
FRANCO: I have to save Nina from my homicidal lunatic of a mother.
SONNY: You think I'm going to let you go rescue the woman who kidnapped my daughter?
JULIAN: And my niece?
FRANCO: I could always squeal about your contraband phone.
JULIAN: The freak has a point, as much as I hate to admit it.
SONNY: I know a better way to keep Franco quiet. We strangle him.
FRANCO: And deal with a body, a prison lockdown, and foil your escape plans? Think, Sonny, think!
SONNY: Alright already. You're in.
GUARD: Social hour is over. Cell check.
BRAD'S APARTMENT:
LUCAS: Hey honey! How's my hot lab manager boyfriend?
BRAD: About as hot as my hot doc.
LUCAS: Let's get it on.
BRAD: That was awesome, man. Where did you get that figurine?
LUCAS: This? I found it on the pier. It was interesting, cute, and Chinese, like you.
BRAD: It's a phoenix. There's a dragon that goes with it.
LUCAS: Sweet. I'll find us one. Wanna be my date for the Waterfront Clinic party?
BRAD: Sure, why not?
LUCAS: We have a half hour to get ready. Let's shower together to save time.
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Okay, Jake. Let's see what's going on in that scrambled brain of yours.
SAM: Doctor. I am in need of medical attention.
PATRICK: I'll bet you are. Did you find your phoenix?
SAM: Nope, not yet. I still think someone stole it. Can we not talk about phoenixes? Will you come to my brother's party with me? I just remembered I have a brother. I keep forgetting he exists.
PATRICK: What's the occasion?
SAM: He got a job at the Waterfront Clinc.
PATRICK: Good for him.
SAM: Great, then it's a double date. You, me, Lucas, & Brad.
CEMETERY
HELENA: Why didn't you kill Sam and Dr. Drake?
JAKE: Because of a hallucination, a ring, and a figurine.
HELENA: Let's start with the hallucination. What did you hallucinate?
JAKE: A woman in scrubs and a Dora the Explorer haircut who started talking to me.
HELENA: And what did the hallucination say?
JAKE: That I shouldn't listen to you..
HELENA: She is insignificant. Forget about her and the rings and the figurine. Forget I sent you to kill Sam and Dr. Drake. You have a new assignment. You are to place explosives on board a yacht called The Haunted Star.
JAKE: Why?
HELENA: Because I said so.
JAKE: I don't want to blow up Carly.
HELENA: Carly is not your friend. Carly is the enemy.
DR. COLLINS' OFFICE
FAUX KEVIN: I'm here, Carly. Where's the patient?
CARLY: Good question. I haven't a clue. He was here and then he disappeared.
FAUX KEVIN: Maybe he joined The Church of Scientology.
CARLY: I don't think it's that. I wonder where he could be. You gave him a clean bill of health, but he's still not right.
FAUX KEVIN: How could I have given him a clean bill of health when I've never seen him?
CARLY: Of course you've seen him. Unless you have him confused with another patient.
FAUX KEVIN: I don't think so. I don't confuse my patients. Your friend Jake is lying to you.
CARLY: This doesn't make ANY SENSE! He wouldn't lie to me. My instincts say he's a good person.
FAUX KEVIN: All I can tell you is that I've never had a session with the guy.
CARLY: I'm gonna turn him into the cops. That'll teach him a lesson.
PENTONVILLE
AVA: Guess what, Madeline. I'm coming with you.
MADELINE: That's hilarious. Thanks for the laugh, Ava.
AVA: I'm serious. I'm going to testify at your trial.
MADELINE: Like they'd take the word of a convicted murderer.
AVA: I'm testifying for YOUR SIDE.
MADELINE: Even more hilarity! Who knew you were such a comedienne, Ava?
AVA: You'll see how funny I am once they pick BOTH of us up to board the transport van.
ELM STREET HOUSE
FLUKE: Just what do you think you're doing here?
DANTE: What cops do. I'm a detective and I detect something in the basement.
FLUKE: Where's your warrant?
DANTE: Don't need one, because YOU are going to open the damn door and show me around down there.
FLUKE: I don't think so. It's condemned. Unsafe. The supports are rotting.
DANTE: I'll take my chances. I have to rescue my father-in-law.
FLUKE: You mean me?
DANTE: No, because you're not Luke Spencer. You're Bill Eckert.
FLUKE: Again with the Bill Eckert thing. What makes you think I'm him?
DANTE: draws his gun. Just shut up and cuff yourself to the railing.
PENTONVILLE
FRANCO: I want in on the prison break.
SONNY: Not a chance.
FRANCO: I have to save Nina from my homicidal lunatic of a mother.
SONNY: You think I'm going to let you go rescue the woman who kidnapped my daughter?
JULIAN: And my niece?
FRANCO: I could always squeal about your contraband phone.
JULIAN: The freak has a point, as much as I hate to admit it.
SONNY: I know a better way to keep Franco quiet. We strangle him.
FRANCO: And deal with a body, a prison lockdown, and foil your escape plans? Think, Sonny, think!
SONNY: Alright already. You're in.
GUARD: Social hour is over. Cell check.
BRAD'S APARTMENT:
LUCAS: Hey honey! How's my hot lab manager boyfriend?
BRAD: About as hot as my hot doc.
LUCAS: Let's get it on.
BRAD: That was awesome, man. Where did you get that figurine?
LUCAS: This? I found it on the pier. It was interesting, cute, and Chinese, like you.
BRAD: It's a phoenix. There's a dragon that goes with it.
LUCAS: Sweet. I'll find us one. Wanna be my date for the Waterfront Clinic party?
BRAD: Sure, why not?
LUCAS: We have a half hour to get ready. Let's shower together to save time.
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Okay, Jake. Let's see what's going on in that scrambled brain of yours.
SAM: Doctor. I am in need of medical attention.
PATRICK: I'll bet you are. Did you find your phoenix?
SAM: Nope, not yet. I still think someone stole it. Can we not talk about phoenixes? Will you come to my brother's party with me? I just remembered I have a brother. I keep forgetting he exists.
PATRICK: What's the occasion?
SAM: He got a job at the Waterfront Clinc.
PATRICK: Good for him.
SAM: Great, then it's a double date. You, me, Lucas, & Brad.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
There's Nothing Down There!
Has Original Recipe Luke Spencer been moved by Helena's peeps? How many essential nutrients are in the prison phone cord that Crypt Baby Avery found so delicious? How fast can Shawn dig to China if he can excavate graves in 30 seconds flat? Here's today's bloggery:
PENTONVILLE
AVA: What are you doing to me? Are you trying to kill me on Sonny's orders?
GUARD: Chill out, lady! You have a visitor.
AVA: Silas?
SILAS: Don't look so thrilled to see me.
AVA: Sorry, I'm just kinda surprised. It's not like anyone's visiting me except for guards wanting to kill me.
SILAS: I brought someone with me. Avery wants to say hi! Wait a minute, GUARDS WANTING TO KILL YOU?
AVA: I know Sonny has some on his payroll and he's been gunning for me since I gave birth. Hello beautiful Avery!
AVERY: Me want phone. Me want to talk to mommy! Mmmmm, phone cord yummy!
SILAS: You're not safe here, Ava. You need to get transferred to another facility.
AVA: I-way am-way anning-play o-tay eak-bray out-way of-way ere-hay. Aurd-gay is-way istening-lay.
SILAS: Do what you have to do. Just get out of this place before you're killed.
AVA: Can I talk to Avery?
SILAS: Sure thing.
AVA: Hello sweet girl!
AVERY: Mommy! Phone funny!
AVA: I love you, sweetie!
CEMETERY
FLUKE: Dante, you're FINIIIIIIIISHED!
HELENA: Your vibrato needs work. I was once trained as an opera singer and I was so much more talented than Mikkos' dreadful paramour who spawned Natasha.
FLUKE: We have a problem. Someone desecrated this gravesite. Who would do such a thing?
HELENA: It was all in vain. We both know that grave was empty. Speaking of empty, I had my new friend Mayor Lomax condemn the house on Elm Street. As for the basement, there's nothing down there. I sent my auxiliary staff to take care of that matter. You can thank me later.
FLUKE: Congratulations. You put a band-aid on a gaping wound. Now to the matter of outfitting the Haunted Star with explosives.
HELENA: That's where Soldier Boy comes in.
FLUKE: About him. Didn't he just NOT kill Sam Morgan and Dr. Drake? The you I used to know would have had him flattened.
HELENA: I will find out why he failed to carry out my orders. His special skill set makes him too valuable to dispose of...yet.
FLUKE: And you are repulsed by MY sex drive...
PENTONVILLE
JULIAN: So, did you send a guard to kill my sister?
SONNY: It's no secret I want your girlfriend-murderer of a sister dead, but that attack wasn't on me.
JULIAN: That's what I told her. I'm going on the theory that it was Bill Eckert's doing. She was supposed to...eliminate someone and she reneged. Just like I did and that's why I'm in here, keeping my ass from being iced.
SONNY: Shawn tells me that Eckert's grave is empty so our theory is looking to be pretty solid.
JULIAN: I know a way out of here, but in involves throwing in with my girlfriend-killing sister.
SONNY: It would betray Connie's memory.
JULIAN: Hello, Sonny? It will get us out of this joint so we can save our families. Priorities, man!
SONNY: Fine, I gotta save Michael so he won't hate me anymore.
KEVIN COLLINS' OFFICE
CARLY: I'm here for you Jake. Kevin will give us some answers as to why you've been carrying around an assassin's kit in a duffel bag.
JAKE: I'm not so sure I want to know what I've been doing while in some mysterious trance precipitated by an 80 year old female criminal mastermind.
CARLY: Guess what else I found in your bag. A mid-2000s era flip phone.
JAKE: Maybe it's from my mysterious past. Have I been MIA for 10 years?
CARLY: Let's check it out. No texts, no contacts, just a bunch of calls from unknown. There's your past, my friend.
JAKE: Where is this Dr. Collins anyway? I'm beginning to think he's a figment of your imagination.
CARLY: Let me to check on that for you. You stay here and be a good boy.
JAKE: Okay. You do that. Carly leaves. Phone rings. Whaddaya know? This thing actually works. Who the hell are you?
HELENA: You know who I am. You're ACTIVE.
JAKE: Gotta go. Well-dressed octogenarian boss calls.
CARLY: Jake? Jake?
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: So how are thing with Dante? Is he still pissed at me?
LULU: Still pissed. So you'd better be on your best behavior for the party tonight.
JOHNNY: It figures. Dude's got a serious jealous streak.
LULU: He's my husband. And you were totally enjoying watching us fight.
JOHNNY: So not true! I was not cool with watching him order you around.
LULU: He was just concerned with me getting involved with an ex-con, exonerated or not.
JOHNNY: You're a big girl now and you've got the panties to prove it.
LULU: Don't let Dante know you know that. Not unless you know the number of a good plastic surgeon.
ELM STREET HOUSE
MICHAEL: Dante, what are you doing here?
DANTE: Following up on your restraining order, brother. Checking for Shawn Butler calling cards.
MICHAEL: Thanks man.
DANTE: We need to check out that basement. Shawn was hanging out there.
MICHAEL: Good luck with that. Don't have the basement key. But I do have this here cane-shaped crowbar.
DANTE: Let's give it a go.
SLOANE: Not so fast. Boss is having this building CONDEMNED.
DANTE: Oh REALLY! Let me see that. Who condemned this building?
SLOANE: That's for me to know and YOU to find out. I always loved that episode of the Brady Bunch. "I've got a secret! I've got a secret!" BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
MICHAEL: You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
SLOANE: Falconeri, coming with?
DANTE: After you. Breaks into house once Sloane and Michael leave.
FLUKE: We meet again, son-in-law.
PENTONVILLE
AVA: What are you doing to me? Are you trying to kill me on Sonny's orders?
GUARD: Chill out, lady! You have a visitor.
AVA: Silas?
SILAS: Don't look so thrilled to see me.
AVA: Sorry, I'm just kinda surprised. It's not like anyone's visiting me except for guards wanting to kill me.
SILAS: I brought someone with me. Avery wants to say hi! Wait a minute, GUARDS WANTING TO KILL YOU?
AVA: I know Sonny has some on his payroll and he's been gunning for me since I gave birth. Hello beautiful Avery!
AVERY: Me want phone. Me want to talk to mommy! Mmmmm, phone cord yummy!
SILAS: You're not safe here, Ava. You need to get transferred to another facility.
AVA: I-way am-way anning-play o-tay eak-bray out-way of-way ere-hay. Aurd-gay is-way istening-lay.
SILAS: Do what you have to do. Just get out of this place before you're killed.
AVA: Can I talk to Avery?
SILAS: Sure thing.
AVA: Hello sweet girl!
AVERY: Mommy! Phone funny!
AVA: I love you, sweetie!
CEMETERY
FLUKE: Dante, you're FINIIIIIIIISHED!
HELENA: Your vibrato needs work. I was once trained as an opera singer and I was so much more talented than Mikkos' dreadful paramour who spawned Natasha.
FLUKE: We have a problem. Someone desecrated this gravesite. Who would do such a thing?
HELENA: It was all in vain. We both know that grave was empty. Speaking of empty, I had my new friend Mayor Lomax condemn the house on Elm Street. As for the basement, there's nothing down there. I sent my auxiliary staff to take care of that matter. You can thank me later.
FLUKE: Congratulations. You put a band-aid on a gaping wound. Now to the matter of outfitting the Haunted Star with explosives.
HELENA: That's where Soldier Boy comes in.
FLUKE: About him. Didn't he just NOT kill Sam Morgan and Dr. Drake? The you I used to know would have had him flattened.
HELENA: I will find out why he failed to carry out my orders. His special skill set makes him too valuable to dispose of...yet.
FLUKE: And you are repulsed by MY sex drive...
PENTONVILLE
JULIAN: So, did you send a guard to kill my sister?
SONNY: It's no secret I want your girlfriend-murderer of a sister dead, but that attack wasn't on me.
JULIAN: That's what I told her. I'm going on the theory that it was Bill Eckert's doing. She was supposed to...eliminate someone and she reneged. Just like I did and that's why I'm in here, keeping my ass from being iced.
SONNY: Shawn tells me that Eckert's grave is empty so our theory is looking to be pretty solid.
JULIAN: I know a way out of here, but in involves throwing in with my girlfriend-killing sister.
SONNY: It would betray Connie's memory.
JULIAN: Hello, Sonny? It will get us out of this joint so we can save our families. Priorities, man!
SONNY: Fine, I gotta save Michael so he won't hate me anymore.
KEVIN COLLINS' OFFICE
CARLY: I'm here for you Jake. Kevin will give us some answers as to why you've been carrying around an assassin's kit in a duffel bag.
JAKE: I'm not so sure I want to know what I've been doing while in some mysterious trance precipitated by an 80 year old female criminal mastermind.
CARLY: Guess what else I found in your bag. A mid-2000s era flip phone.
JAKE: Maybe it's from my mysterious past. Have I been MIA for 10 years?
CARLY: Let's check it out. No texts, no contacts, just a bunch of calls from unknown. There's your past, my friend.
JAKE: Where is this Dr. Collins anyway? I'm beginning to think he's a figment of your imagination.
CARLY: Let me to check on that for you. You stay here and be a good boy.
JAKE: Okay. You do that. Carly leaves. Phone rings. Whaddaya know? This thing actually works. Who the hell are you?
HELENA: You know who I am. You're ACTIVE.
JAKE: Gotta go. Well-dressed octogenarian boss calls.
CARLY: Jake? Jake?
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: So how are thing with Dante? Is he still pissed at me?
LULU: Still pissed. So you'd better be on your best behavior for the party tonight.
JOHNNY: It figures. Dude's got a serious jealous streak.
LULU: He's my husband. And you were totally enjoying watching us fight.
JOHNNY: So not true! I was not cool with watching him order you around.
LULU: He was just concerned with me getting involved with an ex-con, exonerated or not.
JOHNNY: You're a big girl now and you've got the panties to prove it.
LULU: Don't let Dante know you know that. Not unless you know the number of a good plastic surgeon.
ELM STREET HOUSE
MICHAEL: Dante, what are you doing here?
DANTE: Following up on your restraining order, brother. Checking for Shawn Butler calling cards.
MICHAEL: Thanks man.
DANTE: We need to check out that basement. Shawn was hanging out there.
MICHAEL: Good luck with that. Don't have the basement key. But I do have this here cane-shaped crowbar.
DANTE: Let's give it a go.
SLOANE: Not so fast. Boss is having this building CONDEMNED.
DANTE: Oh REALLY! Let me see that. Who condemned this building?
SLOANE: That's for me to know and YOU to find out. I always loved that episode of the Brady Bunch. "I've got a secret! I've got a secret!" BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
MICHAEL: You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
SLOANE: Falconeri, coming with?
DANTE: After you. Breaks into house once Sloane and Michael leave.
FLUKE: We meet again, son-in-law.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Another Wrinkle in Port Chuckles Time
I'm so confused! I know Ruby's death came before Lulu was SORAS'ed but seeing that the character probably in her late 20s now, saying that she is too young to remember Ruby, who died 16 years ago, doesn't make much sense in this context. Also, the party at the Haunted Star was first mentioned on Friday and on today's show, the Port Chuckleheads are saying that the party is tonight? Either time has been fast-forwarded again (a la Christmas to New Year's Eve) or it's one hell of an impromptu party. Oh well, here goes:
KELLY'S
BOBBIE: Dear Aunt Ruby died 16 years ago. Lulu, you were too young to remember her because you weren't SORAS'ed yet, but I know you remember her Lucas.
LUCAS: I remember heart-shaped pancakes. Aunt Ruby was the best.
LULU: Dang SORAS! I would have loved to have been retconned enough to have remembered her.
BOBBIE: She was a great lady and in her honor, I have arranged for the staff, who shall remain nameless, to whip up some heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast.
LUCAS: Thanks, Mom. Those bring back so many happy childhood memories.
LULU: Where's Dad? He said he'd be here.
BOBBIE: Luke has really been off lately. I'm worried about him. Is he losing his mind or is this just a Fluke.
PENTONVILLE:
AVA: Julian, Sonny's after me! He sent one of the guards to my cell to kill me and if he didn't have to see about a disturbance in another cellblock, I would be DEAD right now, Julian.
JULIAN: How do you know it's Sonny?
AVA: Hello? Who else has been trying to kill me since I murdered his girlfriend? I gotta get out of here! Besides, are are you and Sonny prison besties now?
JULIAN: We kinda are actually. You know the expression "The enemy of thine enemy is thy friend"? My old boss, YOUR old boss is after all three of us. You, me, and Sonny. He looks like Luke Spencer but he's really this identical cousin of Luke's named Bill Eckert, or so our theory goes. Yeah, I know the identical cousin thing is a stretch, but I think the guard's working for him.
AVA: So Luke and this Bill Eckert look just alike, but they're cousins? That is bizarre. It's like some old TV show or something. Anyway, I know a way out of this joint. It involves nutty Nina's mother and a transport van. I'm gonna stow away tonight at 6:30.
JULIAN: I'm coming with.
AVA: I don't think so. It's hard enough for one of us to escape, let alone two. I've gotta get out of here to save my life.
JULIAN: And you need your big brother to protect you from Big Bad Bill Eckert on the outside.
AVA: Fine, you can come with.
GUARD: Who is this? takes off Ava's hood You're coming with me!
AVA: Help. Me.
BASEMENT OF ELM STREET HOUSE
FLUKE: Guess what, Puke? I actually decided to feed you.
LUKE: ER KERNT ERT WERF DERS DERK TERP ERN MER MERF!
FLUKE: Fine, I'll take it off.
LUKE: Are you ready to admit you're Bill Eckert now? I mean, who the hell else can you be?
FLUKE: Who cares? The party tonight is going to be EXPLOSIVELY fun. Yes, Puke, I planted a bomb on the Haunted Star and all your loved ones are going KABOOM!
LUKE: Why? Aren't they YOUR family too?
FLUKE: answering his phone Hi cupcake. Don't worry I'll meet you at the cemetery for the memorial. Bye cupcake. Gotta go remember dear Aunt Ruby. I'll leave you to ponder my true identity, but first, a parting gift. puts the duct tape back over Luke's mouth.
CEMETERY
DANTE: What's this? Who's been robbing graves?
JORDAN: That would be me.
DANTE: You?
JORDAN: I was helping Shawn dig up the grave of the man your father thinks is impersonating Luke Spencer.
DANTE: You mean the guy who was rescued by Alexis on Thanksgiving wasn't really Luke?
JORDAN: It doesn't seem that way. It looks like this impostor Luke is in cahoots with Helena Cassadine. They're hiding something in the basement of the house on Elm Street.
DANTE: Now I know he's a fake because the real Luke can't stand that elegant psychopath.
JORDAN: What do you suppose they could be hiding?
DANTE: I don't know, maybe my father-in-law. See ya!
PENTONVILLE
SONNY: How was grave-digging? Who's buried in Eckert's tomb?
SHAWN: Nobody. Coffin's empty, man.
SONNY: Exactly what I was expecting. Now this is just between you, me and Duke, right?
SHAWN: Well, someone else knows. Jordan. She caught me digging so I had to let her in the loop.
SONNY: Son of a bitch, Shawn!
SHADYBROOK
HEATHER: Brought you a jelly doughnut, nuthouse daughter!
NINA: Thank you, Diana, I mean, nuthouse mommy!
HEATHER: Unlike some of the crazies here, I know the meaning of sharing.
NINA: So do I. I have something to share with you. I wasn't talking to my lawyer. I was talking to Franco. I told him all about you, how you are my prison mommy and he was so happy I wasn't alone.
HEATHER: Next time he calls, I want to say hello. Seeing that he's a famous artist and all.
NINA: Sure thing.
GUARD: It's your lawyer again, Mrs. Clay. Make it quick.
NINA: Is it you?
FRANCO: It's me, Nina.
HEATHER: Let me talk to him.
NINA: My friend Diana wants to talk to you.
HEATHER: Hello Franco.
FRANCO: I know that voice. It's my whackjob mother Heather Webber!
HEATHER: You betrayed me, Franco. Now I'm going to get my revenge and crush your fragile little friend. She thinks I'm her nuthouse mommy!
FRANCO: Don't lay a hand on Nina, mother. Put her back on.
NINA: I want to talk to him.
GUARD: Time's up!
CEMETERY
FLUKE: See, I told you all I'd be here to honor dear old Aunt Ruby.
DANTE: Say, Luke, since Ruby was your aunt, was she Bill Eckert's mother?
FLUKE: This is not the time for pondering my family tree, Dante.
BOBBIE: Aunt Ruby was on our father's side. Bill Eckert was from my mother's side.
LULU: So, Dante, are you ready for the party tonight.
DANTE: The party you and JOHNNY are throwing?
LULU: I thought you were okay with Johnny now?
BOBBIE: Aunt Ruby, watch over us all until it's our time to join you.
FLUKE: You can say that again.
PIER
JORDAN: Thomas, you know I was behind saving Ric Lansing's life. Molly has her father back because I stopped Carlos from killing him. I knew then that I couldn't work for the Jeromes anymore. So I switched sides.
TJ: So you and Shawn are on the same side now.
SHAWN: Did I hear my name?
JORDAN: I was telling Thomas that you and I were working together.
TJ: I'm not so mad at you anymore, mom.
KELLY'S
BOBBIE: Dear Aunt Ruby died 16 years ago. Lulu, you were too young to remember her because you weren't SORAS'ed yet, but I know you remember her Lucas.
LUCAS: I remember heart-shaped pancakes. Aunt Ruby was the best.
LULU: Dang SORAS! I would have loved to have been retconned enough to have remembered her.
BOBBIE: She was a great lady and in her honor, I have arranged for the staff, who shall remain nameless, to whip up some heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast.
LUCAS: Thanks, Mom. Those bring back so many happy childhood memories.
LULU: Where's Dad? He said he'd be here.
BOBBIE: Luke has really been off lately. I'm worried about him. Is he losing his mind or is this just a Fluke.
PENTONVILLE:
AVA: Julian, Sonny's after me! He sent one of the guards to my cell to kill me and if he didn't have to see about a disturbance in another cellblock, I would be DEAD right now, Julian.
JULIAN: How do you know it's Sonny?
AVA: Hello? Who else has been trying to kill me since I murdered his girlfriend? I gotta get out of here! Besides, are are you and Sonny prison besties now?
JULIAN: We kinda are actually. You know the expression "The enemy of thine enemy is thy friend"? My old boss, YOUR old boss is after all three of us. You, me, and Sonny. He looks like Luke Spencer but he's really this identical cousin of Luke's named Bill Eckert, or so our theory goes. Yeah, I know the identical cousin thing is a stretch, but I think the guard's working for him.
AVA: So Luke and this Bill Eckert look just alike, but they're cousins? That is bizarre. It's like some old TV show or something. Anyway, I know a way out of this joint. It involves nutty Nina's mother and a transport van. I'm gonna stow away tonight at 6:30.
JULIAN: I'm coming with.
AVA: I don't think so. It's hard enough for one of us to escape, let alone two. I've gotta get out of here to save my life.
JULIAN: And you need your big brother to protect you from Big Bad Bill Eckert on the outside.
AVA: Fine, you can come with.
GUARD: Who is this? takes off Ava's hood You're coming with me!
AVA: Help. Me.
BASEMENT OF ELM STREET HOUSE
FLUKE: Guess what, Puke? I actually decided to feed you.
LUKE: ER KERNT ERT WERF DERS DERK TERP ERN MER MERF!
FLUKE: Fine, I'll take it off.
LUKE: Are you ready to admit you're Bill Eckert now? I mean, who the hell else can you be?
FLUKE: Who cares? The party tonight is going to be EXPLOSIVELY fun. Yes, Puke, I planted a bomb on the Haunted Star and all your loved ones are going KABOOM!
LUKE: Why? Aren't they YOUR family too?
FLUKE: answering his phone Hi cupcake. Don't worry I'll meet you at the cemetery for the memorial. Bye cupcake. Gotta go remember dear Aunt Ruby. I'll leave you to ponder my true identity, but first, a parting gift. puts the duct tape back over Luke's mouth.
CEMETERY
DANTE: What's this? Who's been robbing graves?
JORDAN: That would be me.
DANTE: You?
JORDAN: I was helping Shawn dig up the grave of the man your father thinks is impersonating Luke Spencer.
DANTE: You mean the guy who was rescued by Alexis on Thanksgiving wasn't really Luke?
JORDAN: It doesn't seem that way. It looks like this impostor Luke is in cahoots with Helena Cassadine. They're hiding something in the basement of the house on Elm Street.
DANTE: Now I know he's a fake because the real Luke can't stand that elegant psychopath.
JORDAN: What do you suppose they could be hiding?
DANTE: I don't know, maybe my father-in-law. See ya!
PENTONVILLE
SONNY: How was grave-digging? Who's buried in Eckert's tomb?
SHAWN: Nobody. Coffin's empty, man.
SONNY: Exactly what I was expecting. Now this is just between you, me and Duke, right?
SHAWN: Well, someone else knows. Jordan. She caught me digging so I had to let her in the loop.
SONNY: Son of a bitch, Shawn!
SHADYBROOK
HEATHER: Brought you a jelly doughnut, nuthouse daughter!
NINA: Thank you, Diana, I mean, nuthouse mommy!
HEATHER: Unlike some of the crazies here, I know the meaning of sharing.
NINA: So do I. I have something to share with you. I wasn't talking to my lawyer. I was talking to Franco. I told him all about you, how you are my prison mommy and he was so happy I wasn't alone.
HEATHER: Next time he calls, I want to say hello. Seeing that he's a famous artist and all.
NINA: Sure thing.
GUARD: It's your lawyer again, Mrs. Clay. Make it quick.
NINA: Is it you?
FRANCO: It's me, Nina.
HEATHER: Let me talk to him.
NINA: My friend Diana wants to talk to you.
HEATHER: Hello Franco.
FRANCO: I know that voice. It's my whackjob mother Heather Webber!
HEATHER: You betrayed me, Franco. Now I'm going to get my revenge and crush your fragile little friend. She thinks I'm her nuthouse mommy!
FRANCO: Don't lay a hand on Nina, mother. Put her back on.
NINA: I want to talk to him.
GUARD: Time's up!
CEMETERY
FLUKE: See, I told you all I'd be here to honor dear old Aunt Ruby.
DANTE: Say, Luke, since Ruby was your aunt, was she Bill Eckert's mother?
FLUKE: This is not the time for pondering my family tree, Dante.
BOBBIE: Aunt Ruby was on our father's side. Bill Eckert was from my mother's side.
LULU: So, Dante, are you ready for the party tonight.
DANTE: The party you and JOHNNY are throwing?
LULU: I thought you were okay with Johnny now?
BOBBIE: Aunt Ruby, watch over us all until it's our time to join you.
FLUKE: You can say that again.
PIER
JORDAN: Thomas, you know I was behind saving Ric Lansing's life. Molly has her father back because I stopped Carlos from killing him. I knew then that I couldn't work for the Jeromes anymore. So I switched sides.
TJ: So you and Shawn are on the same side now.
SHAWN: Did I hear my name?
JORDAN: I was telling Thomas that you and I were working together.
TJ: I'm not so mad at you anymore, mom.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Who's Buried In Eckert's Tomb?
AVA'S PRISON CELL
Dream sequence
KIKI: Wanna hold your baby?
AVA: Of course I do!
KIKI: I don't think so! I'm her mother now!
Reality
MADELINE: Whatsamatter, Ava? Bad dream?
AVA: What's it to you? You and your whackjob daughter ruined my life.
MADELINE: Save it. You're in here because you MURDERED SOMEONE. Remember?
AVA: I miss my baby.
MADELINE: Too bad, so sad. I'm getting out of here once I convince a judge that my unhinged daughter coerced me into committing horrible crimes.
AVA: Screw you!
GUARD: Party's over ladies.
MADELINE: I'm turning in early. I have to get my beauty sleep.
GUARD: Looks like it's just you and me, kid
AVA: What's with the knife? Who sent you here?
GUARD: Wouldn't you like to know. Gotta go. I'll be back...
CEMETERY
SHAWN: Who's here? I know someone's here.
JORDAN: It's me. What are you doing here? Taking up grave digging as a side job?
SHAWN: What are YOU doing here? Stalking me?
JORDAN: Hand me a shovel. I want in. How many times do I have to prove myself to you?
SHAWN: I think you're a cop.
JORDAN: That's hilarious. Would a cop help fix an election? So who is this William Eckert and why are we digging him up?
SHAWN: He goes by Bill. He's Luke's identical cousin. Apparently that's a thing. Sonny and I have good reason to believe he was your old boss.
JORDAN: Let's find out. Start digging.
PENTONVILLE
SONNY: We have to break out of this joint. That's the only way we can protect our sons.
JULIAN: How do you propose we do that? How do we bust out of here?
FRANCO: Can I play too?
SONNY: What the FREAK are you doing here? I thought you were in solitary.
FRANCO: Time flies when you're planning prison breaks. Is this your prison wife?
SONNY: Don't go there, Franco.
FRANCO: I can have YOU sent to solitary, Sonny. How would that work, with your claustrophobia and you missing wifey over there.
JULIAN: Cut it out, Freak.
SONNY: How you gonna manage that?
FRANCO: Hello! Contraband phone anyone? All I have to do is alert the guards to this little device and Sonny's flying solo for the next 28 days. I'll keep it on the down low if you'll let me borrow that phone to check up on one of my people.
SONNY: Sure, like we're gonna trust you to give that phone back to us and not turn it in after you're done with it.
FRANCO: I can also tell the guard you're planning a prison break.
SONNY: Fine, take it, but make it QUICK.
FERNCLIFF:
HEATHER: Ha ha, I sunk your battleship! Let's play again!
NINA: Nah, I don't think so.
HEATHER: Okay, then how about Monopoly. Or Trouble. We both know all about Trouble. How else did we end up here?
NINA: Can we just talk instead?
HEATHER: Okay. I'm glad I found a nuthouse bestie. There are a lot of crazy people in here.
NINA: Tell me about it.
HEATHER: But we're not crazy like they are. We were just wronged. Me, I was deceived by my own son.
NINA: I was hurt by my husband and the slut he cheated on me with. She's in prison now.
HEATHER: Serves her right.
NINA: I was also wronged by my mother who put me in a coma and killed my baby.
HEATHER: What a horrible mother! How about I be your nuthouse mommy?
NINA: Okay. My name is Nina.
HEATHER: My name is Diana Taylor. I think. It's certainly not Heather Webber. Now THAT woman was crazy!
GUARD: Phone call for you, Mrs. Clay. It's your lawyer.
PHONE CONVO BETWEEN NINA & FRANCO
NINA: Hi Alexis.
FRANCO: Let's go with that. Call me Alexis and pretend I'm your lawyer. How are you doing?
NINA: I'm okay, but it's a SCARY place full of crazy people. But I made a friend. She's been so nice to me and she isn't as crazy as the other people.
KELLY'S
KIKI: Aren't you so PERFECT, Baby Avery? Yes you are! Yes you are!
MORGAN: Hey, if it isn't the cutest baby that was ever conceived in the Quartermaine crypt! How's the little one?!!
KIKI: She's just perfect. How are you?
MORGAN: Just trying to figure out the meaning of my life. No job, living with my mom. Not the father of this adorable baby.
KIKI: For what it's worth Avery wishes you were her daddy.
LULU: Oh, how adorable! Rocco's going to have a playmate!
MORGAN: Yeah, his auntie, who is younger than him. That's really weird, but such is this town, right?
LULU: I hear you're looking for a job. Want to tend bar at the Haunted Star? No experience necessary.
KIKI: Actually, Morgan had experience bartending.
LULU: Even better! How about I take you over there right now.
DANTE: What will your business partner have to say about that?
LULU: I'll explain later. Come on, Morgan. Let's go visit your new place of work.
KIKI: Dante, guess what? I kissed your brother. Not Michael. He still hates me. Morgan. But if Michael finds out he'll hate me even more. WHAT DO I DO? I'M SO CONFUSED!!!
DANTE: If you're into Morgan and Michael's still freezing you out, what's stopping you?
THE HAUNTED STAR
MICHAEL: Luke, thank you for meeting with us. What's the surprise?
FLUKE: I've thought it over and you can demo the Elm Street house if you want to and build your clinic there. The past is the past. Let bygones be bygones.
MICHAEL: For real? You'll let us build the clinic? Thank you, Luke.
LUCAS: Yeah, thanks Uncle Luke.
FLUKE: On one condition. That you let me throw a party here on the Haunted Star to celebrate the grand opening of the waterfront. Whaddaya say?
MICHAEL: A party? That's hardly necessary.
FLUKE: Why not? What good is having this waterfront revival if nobody knows about it?
MICHAEL: Okay, I see your point.
LULU: It looks like we have company here. Dad, Lucas, Michael, what's going on?
FLUKE: I'd like to book a party here, to celebrate the grand opening of Michael's new and improved waterfront. What says you, daughter?
LULU: That sounds great, Dad. And I have just the bartender for this party. Morgan knows everything there is to know about mixology.
MICHAEL: If Morgan's part of this party, I'm out.
MORGAN: Way to take the high road, Michael.
MICHAEL: He knew Sonny killed AJ and lied about it. He's DEAD TO ME and I will not have dead people tending bar at my party.
LULU: Okay, Morgan can start after the party. I'm not taking sides here.
ELM STREET BASEMENT
FLUKE: I'm baaaaack!
LUKE: GERT DERS DERK TERP ERF MER MERF! DERD YER HERT MER SERSTER?
FLUKE: takes duct tape off Luke's mouth. What's that you said?
LUKE: Did you hurt my sister.
FLUKE: Calm your spiky little head down! Oh, Louie and I thought about bashing Bobbie's brains in, but she stopped her yabbering so we spared her life.
LUKE: Are you Bill Eckert?
FLUKE: Why so curious? Why the need to know who I am?
LUKE: For starters, you have me tied up in this chair in this basement without a pot to piss in.
FLUKE: Sorry, not sorry. There can only be one Luke Spencer running around Port Chuckles and I'm it.
Dream sequence
KIKI: Wanna hold your baby?
AVA: Of course I do!
KIKI: I don't think so! I'm her mother now!
Reality
MADELINE: Whatsamatter, Ava? Bad dream?
AVA: What's it to you? You and your whackjob daughter ruined my life.
MADELINE: Save it. You're in here because you MURDERED SOMEONE. Remember?
AVA: I miss my baby.
MADELINE: Too bad, so sad. I'm getting out of here once I convince a judge that my unhinged daughter coerced me into committing horrible crimes.
AVA: Screw you!
GUARD: Party's over ladies.
MADELINE: I'm turning in early. I have to get my beauty sleep.
GUARD: Looks like it's just you and me, kid
AVA: What's with the knife? Who sent you here?
GUARD: Wouldn't you like to know. Gotta go. I'll be back...
CEMETERY
SHAWN: Who's here? I know someone's here.
JORDAN: It's me. What are you doing here? Taking up grave digging as a side job?
SHAWN: What are YOU doing here? Stalking me?
JORDAN: Hand me a shovel. I want in. How many times do I have to prove myself to you?
SHAWN: I think you're a cop.
JORDAN: That's hilarious. Would a cop help fix an election? So who is this William Eckert and why are we digging him up?
SHAWN: He goes by Bill. He's Luke's identical cousin. Apparently that's a thing. Sonny and I have good reason to believe he was your old boss.
JORDAN: Let's find out. Start digging.
PENTONVILLE
SONNY: We have to break out of this joint. That's the only way we can protect our sons.
JULIAN: How do you propose we do that? How do we bust out of here?
FRANCO: Can I play too?
SONNY: What the FREAK are you doing here? I thought you were in solitary.
FRANCO: Time flies when you're planning prison breaks. Is this your prison wife?
SONNY: Don't go there, Franco.
FRANCO: I can have YOU sent to solitary, Sonny. How would that work, with your claustrophobia and you missing wifey over there.
JULIAN: Cut it out, Freak.
SONNY: How you gonna manage that?
FRANCO: Hello! Contraband phone anyone? All I have to do is alert the guards to this little device and Sonny's flying solo for the next 28 days. I'll keep it on the down low if you'll let me borrow that phone to check up on one of my people.
SONNY: Sure, like we're gonna trust you to give that phone back to us and not turn it in after you're done with it.
FRANCO: I can also tell the guard you're planning a prison break.
SONNY: Fine, take it, but make it QUICK.
FERNCLIFF:
HEATHER: Ha ha, I sunk your battleship! Let's play again!
NINA: Nah, I don't think so.
HEATHER: Okay, then how about Monopoly. Or Trouble. We both know all about Trouble. How else did we end up here?
NINA: Can we just talk instead?
HEATHER: Okay. I'm glad I found a nuthouse bestie. There are a lot of crazy people in here.
NINA: Tell me about it.
HEATHER: But we're not crazy like they are. We were just wronged. Me, I was deceived by my own son.
NINA: I was hurt by my husband and the slut he cheated on me with. She's in prison now.
HEATHER: Serves her right.
NINA: I was also wronged by my mother who put me in a coma and killed my baby.
HEATHER: What a horrible mother! How about I be your nuthouse mommy?
NINA: Okay. My name is Nina.
HEATHER: My name is Diana Taylor. I think. It's certainly not Heather Webber. Now THAT woman was crazy!
GUARD: Phone call for you, Mrs. Clay. It's your lawyer.
PHONE CONVO BETWEEN NINA & FRANCO
NINA: Hi Alexis.
FRANCO: Let's go with that. Call me Alexis and pretend I'm your lawyer. How are you doing?
NINA: I'm okay, but it's a SCARY place full of crazy people. But I made a friend. She's been so nice to me and she isn't as crazy as the other people.
KELLY'S
KIKI: Aren't you so PERFECT, Baby Avery? Yes you are! Yes you are!
MORGAN: Hey, if it isn't the cutest baby that was ever conceived in the Quartermaine crypt! How's the little one?!!
KIKI: She's just perfect. How are you?
MORGAN: Just trying to figure out the meaning of my life. No job, living with my mom. Not the father of this adorable baby.
KIKI: For what it's worth Avery wishes you were her daddy.
LULU: Oh, how adorable! Rocco's going to have a playmate!
MORGAN: Yeah, his auntie, who is younger than him. That's really weird, but such is this town, right?
LULU: I hear you're looking for a job. Want to tend bar at the Haunted Star? No experience necessary.
KIKI: Actually, Morgan had experience bartending.
LULU: Even better! How about I take you over there right now.
DANTE: What will your business partner have to say about that?
LULU: I'll explain later. Come on, Morgan. Let's go visit your new place of work.
KIKI: Dante, guess what? I kissed your brother. Not Michael. He still hates me. Morgan. But if Michael finds out he'll hate me even more. WHAT DO I DO? I'M SO CONFUSED!!!
DANTE: If you're into Morgan and Michael's still freezing you out, what's stopping you?
THE HAUNTED STAR
MICHAEL: Luke, thank you for meeting with us. What's the surprise?
FLUKE: I've thought it over and you can demo the Elm Street house if you want to and build your clinic there. The past is the past. Let bygones be bygones.
MICHAEL: For real? You'll let us build the clinic? Thank you, Luke.
LUCAS: Yeah, thanks Uncle Luke.
FLUKE: On one condition. That you let me throw a party here on the Haunted Star to celebrate the grand opening of the waterfront. Whaddaya say?
MICHAEL: A party? That's hardly necessary.
FLUKE: Why not? What good is having this waterfront revival if nobody knows about it?
MICHAEL: Okay, I see your point.
LULU: It looks like we have company here. Dad, Lucas, Michael, what's going on?
FLUKE: I'd like to book a party here, to celebrate the grand opening of Michael's new and improved waterfront. What says you, daughter?
LULU: That sounds great, Dad. And I have just the bartender for this party. Morgan knows everything there is to know about mixology.
MICHAEL: If Morgan's part of this party, I'm out.
MORGAN: Way to take the high road, Michael.
MICHAEL: He knew Sonny killed AJ and lied about it. He's DEAD TO ME and I will not have dead people tending bar at my party.
LULU: Okay, Morgan can start after the party. I'm not taking sides here.
ELM STREET BASEMENT
FLUKE: I'm baaaaack!
LUKE: GERT DERS DERK TERP ERF MER MERF! DERD YER HERT MER SERSTER?
FLUKE: takes duct tape off Luke's mouth. What's that you said?
LUKE: Did you hurt my sister.
FLUKE: Calm your spiky little head down! Oh, Louie and I thought about bashing Bobbie's brains in, but she stopped her yabbering so we spared her life.
LUKE: Are you Bill Eckert?
FLUKE: Why so curious? Why the need to know who I am?
LUKE: For starters, you have me tied up in this chair in this basement without a pot to piss in.
FLUKE: Sorry, not sorry. There can only be one Luke Spencer running around Port Chuckles and I'm it.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Going On A Dig
MAXIE'S BEDROOM
MAXIE: Johnny's not that bad. He's just ambitious but with a destructive streak.
NATHAN: Should I be worried?
MAXIE: Nah. I never actually had sex with him. He just kissed me once because he wanted to break up with Lulu.
NATHAN: If you say so. Has it been 20 minutes yet?
THE PIER
SHAWN: Sonny says we should dig up Eckert's grave to make sure he's really dead.
DUKE: Morbid, but I suppose we ought to cover our bases.
SHAWN: We gotta know who our enemy is, so I'm gonna fetch a shovel, head over to the cemetary, and start digging. Nobody follow me. Hear that, Jordan?
GENERAL HOSPITAL ER
CARLY: Is that a gun in your bag or are you happy to see me?
JAKE: What gun? I don't know anything about a gun? All I remember is a little Chinese figurine.
CARLY: And what's this? A mask? Maybe you took Sam hostage after all!
JAKE: That's not my mask.
CARLY: How did it get into your bag?
JAKE: Dunno. Somebody probably planted it there. Who knows what enemies I had in my previous life.
LIZ: Jakey-poo, how are you feeling? Do you need another blanket? A bedtime story?
PATRICK: We have to run some more tests. Your brain's an enigma, man.
GENERAL HOSPITAL NURSES' STATION
PATRICK: I'm starting to get the sneaking suspicion that Jake's a criminal.
LIZ: Did sex with Sam make you think that?
PATRICK: The dude has blackouts and claims not to remember anything. Without further testing, he's a masked hostage-taking gunman.
LIZ: No! Not my Jakey!
KELLY'S
SAM: Hi mom. Thanks for beating feet last night so Patrick and I could have the house to ourselves.
ALEXIS: How was it? Was your food edible? How was the sex?
SAM: Of course my food was edible and Patrick was WONDERFUL! Weird thing happened, though. My phoenix disappeared.
ALEXIS: Your what?
SAM: My phoenix figurine that Jason gave me for Christmas after we got married at a Chinese restaurant. The dragon is there but the phoenix is missing. I think someone stole it.
ALEXIS: Are you sure it wasn't Danny?
SAM: Why does everybody blame it on the 3-year-old? The phoenix is my LAST PIECE OF JASON!
ALEXIS: I'm sorry. I know how much this figurine means to you. It'll turn up.
SAM: You're probably right.
GENERAL HOSPITAL NURSES' STATION
LUCAS: Hi Michael. How are things with the clinic?
MICHAEL: How about you come with me and we can discuss plans.
CARLY: Hi Lucas. Hi Michael.
MICHAEL: Hello Carly.
LUCAS: Hi sis! I finally took your advice and became a doctor. Guess what? Michael picked me to run his new clinic. No clinic-running experience necessary.
CARLY: That's awesome! Congratulations, Lucas. I knew you could do this doctor thing. Michael, why won't you acknowledge your own MOTHER?
MICHAEL: Lucas and I need to get going.
PHONE CONVO BETWEEN SONNY & FLUKE-ALIKE
FLUKE-ALIKE: Hey, Sonny. What's your son up to lately. You know, the one who won't acknowledge that you're his dad? He'd better watch his back, that one.
SONNY: You lay one hand on Michael and I'll...
FLUKE-ALIKE: You'll what? What can YOU and your buddy Julian do from inside P-ville? Absolutely NOTHING.
SONNY: Now listen, Bill Eckert...
FLUKE-ALIKE: What makes your think I'm Bill Eckert? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't he dead as a doornail? Speaking of dead, that's what your son and Julian's son will be once I get my hands on them.
SONNY: Take my territory. Take anything. Just don't touch MY FAVORITE SON!
FLUKE-ALIKE: Sorry, Corinthos. That offer has come and gone. Buh-bye!
CEMETERY
SHAWN (at Bill Eckert's grave): Yoo hoo! Anybody home?
JORDAN: Taking up a new hobby, Shawn?
MAXIE: Johnny's not that bad. He's just ambitious but with a destructive streak.
NATHAN: Should I be worried?
MAXIE: Nah. I never actually had sex with him. He just kissed me once because he wanted to break up with Lulu.
NATHAN: If you say so. Has it been 20 minutes yet?
THE PIER
SHAWN: Sonny says we should dig up Eckert's grave to make sure he's really dead.
DUKE: Morbid, but I suppose we ought to cover our bases.
SHAWN: We gotta know who our enemy is, so I'm gonna fetch a shovel, head over to the cemetary, and start digging. Nobody follow me. Hear that, Jordan?
GENERAL HOSPITAL ER
CARLY: Is that a gun in your bag or are you happy to see me?
JAKE: What gun? I don't know anything about a gun? All I remember is a little Chinese figurine.
CARLY: And what's this? A mask? Maybe you took Sam hostage after all!
JAKE: That's not my mask.
CARLY: How did it get into your bag?
JAKE: Dunno. Somebody probably planted it there. Who knows what enemies I had in my previous life.
LIZ: Jakey-poo, how are you feeling? Do you need another blanket? A bedtime story?
PATRICK: We have to run some more tests. Your brain's an enigma, man.
GENERAL HOSPITAL NURSES' STATION
PATRICK: I'm starting to get the sneaking suspicion that Jake's a criminal.
LIZ: Did sex with Sam make you think that?
PATRICK: The dude has blackouts and claims not to remember anything. Without further testing, he's a masked hostage-taking gunman.
LIZ: No! Not my Jakey!
KELLY'S
SAM: Hi mom. Thanks for beating feet last night so Patrick and I could have the house to ourselves.
ALEXIS: How was it? Was your food edible? How was the sex?
SAM: Of course my food was edible and Patrick was WONDERFUL! Weird thing happened, though. My phoenix disappeared.
ALEXIS: Your what?
SAM: My phoenix figurine that Jason gave me for Christmas after we got married at a Chinese restaurant. The dragon is there but the phoenix is missing. I think someone stole it.
ALEXIS: Are you sure it wasn't Danny?
SAM: Why does everybody blame it on the 3-year-old? The phoenix is my LAST PIECE OF JASON!
ALEXIS: I'm sorry. I know how much this figurine means to you. It'll turn up.
SAM: You're probably right.
GENERAL HOSPITAL NURSES' STATION
LUCAS: Hi Michael. How are things with the clinic?
MICHAEL: How about you come with me and we can discuss plans.
CARLY: Hi Lucas. Hi Michael.
MICHAEL: Hello Carly.
LUCAS: Hi sis! I finally took your advice and became a doctor. Guess what? Michael picked me to run his new clinic. No clinic-running experience necessary.
CARLY: That's awesome! Congratulations, Lucas. I knew you could do this doctor thing. Michael, why won't you acknowledge your own MOTHER?
MICHAEL: Lucas and I need to get going.
PHONE CONVO BETWEEN SONNY & FLUKE-ALIKE
FLUKE-ALIKE: Hey, Sonny. What's your son up to lately. You know, the one who won't acknowledge that you're his dad? He'd better watch his back, that one.
SONNY: You lay one hand on Michael and I'll...
FLUKE-ALIKE: You'll what? What can YOU and your buddy Julian do from inside P-ville? Absolutely NOTHING.
SONNY: Now listen, Bill Eckert...
FLUKE-ALIKE: What makes your think I'm Bill Eckert? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't he dead as a doornail? Speaking of dead, that's what your son and Julian's son will be once I get my hands on them.
SONNY: Take my territory. Take anything. Just don't touch MY FAVORITE SON!
FLUKE-ALIKE: Sorry, Corinthos. That offer has come and gone. Buh-bye!
CEMETERY
SHAWN (at Bill Eckert's grave): Yoo hoo! Anybody home?
JORDAN: Taking up a new hobby, Shawn?
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Figurine
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: OMG, my phoenix is missing! Where's my phoenix? WHERE'S MY PHOENIX???
PATRICK: Your WHAT?
SAM: It's a Jason thing. It has to do with our Chinese restaurant wedding. Remember when we thought someone broke in last night? Could that person have taken it?
PATRICK: So you think somebody broke into your apartment, went up to the bedroom while we were getting it on in the shower and stole your knick-knack?
SAM; You think I'm nuts now, right? Obsessing over a knick-knack from a Chinese restaurant.
PATRICK: Maybe Danny took it.
SAM: Sure, blame it on the 3-year-old.
PATRICK: I'm really sorry about your missing phoenix thingy but I have to get to work. I AM still a brain surgeon, you know.
GENERAL HOSPITAL ER
LIZ: So Lucas, how's life as an insta-doctor treating you?
LUCAS: Not too badly. I even got a job offer to RUN Michael's waterfront clinic. He really means it when he says No Experience Necessary.
LIZ: So you will be leaving GH for this?
LUCAS: Nah, I can multi-task.
Jake is wheeled into the ER
LIZ: OMG, JAKE!!!! What happened? Did you stay out on the docks all night?
LUCAS: Looks like hypothermia to me. And a concussion and maybe even a seizure. See, I've got this doctor thing down pat.
LIZ: Poor Jakey Jake! Dials Carly : Carly, just thought you should know, Jake is in the ER.
CARLY: I teleported myself here as fast as possible. Jake, what are you doing sleeping on the docks when you have a comped room? You hurt my feelings.
JAKE: Wha? Where am I?
LUCAS: You're in the ER. You blacked out on the docks and got hypothermia.
JAKE: I don't remember.
CARLY: Is there anything you DO remember?
JAKE: Figurine.
Q MANSION FOYER
MICHAEL: You're not my father. My father is dead. You are serving a life sentence for killing him. I'm hanging up.
SONNY: over the phone Michael, listen to me. Stay away from Luke.
MICHAEL: Enjoy life in P-ville. Bye.
Q LIVING ROOM
TRACY: Luke, who are you texting instead of spending time with your wife?
LUKE: Texting? I'm playing Words With Friends. Of course she would play Tedious and Unfortunate. Typical.
MICHAEL: I'm pissed. Sonny called me. He told me to stay away from you, Luke.
MICHAEL: I hung up on him. He is NOT my father anymore. He sent his lackey Shawn after me so I had Alexis serve him a restraining order.
LUKE: Good work, kiddo. By the way, stay out of that basement on the Elm Street house. Its full of rats, snakes, and all kinds of vermin. Not to mention mold. Lots of mold.
MICHAEL: I'll keep that in mind. The house is going to be demoed for the clinic, by the way.
LUKE: Ever consider building your clinic somewhere else?
MICHAEL: I'll think about it. Leaves
TRACY: Maybe you should let Michael build the clinic on that site. Make lemonade out of lemons and all.
KELLY'S
CARLY: Shawn, what are you doing?
SHAWN: Something for Sonny. None of your beeswax.
CARLY: Shawn, I miss Sonny. Why won't he let me see him? Can you talk to him. Please! Pretty Please with a cherry on top?
SHAWN: Nope. Sonny has his reasons. He wants you to move on with your life and not sit around waiting for him.
CARLY: But I WANT to sit around waiting for him. I LOVE him. Sonny will ALWAYS be important to me and he knows it and he's WRONG for keeping me away.
PENTONVILLE
SONNY: So I have Shawn on the Bill Eckert trail.
JULIAN: You're putting a target on both our kids' backs. Lucas, Sam, Michael, Morgan...I'm telling you, don't piss this fake Luke off.
SONNY: Like they're any safer with Fake Luke-slash-Bill Eckert-slash-whatever he's calling himself these days walking around. He's thrown in with the League of Loonies.
JULIAN: Fine, I'm in. Just let me have kevlar vests Fed-Exed to Lucas and Sam. I would suggest you do the same for Michael, Morgan, and even Kristina and that baby you had with my sister.
SAM: OMG, my phoenix is missing! Where's my phoenix? WHERE'S MY PHOENIX???
PATRICK: Your WHAT?
SAM: It's a Jason thing. It has to do with our Chinese restaurant wedding. Remember when we thought someone broke in last night? Could that person have taken it?
PATRICK: So you think somebody broke into your apartment, went up to the bedroom while we were getting it on in the shower and stole your knick-knack?
SAM; You think I'm nuts now, right? Obsessing over a knick-knack from a Chinese restaurant.
PATRICK: Maybe Danny took it.
SAM: Sure, blame it on the 3-year-old.
PATRICK: I'm really sorry about your missing phoenix thingy but I have to get to work. I AM still a brain surgeon, you know.
GENERAL HOSPITAL ER
LIZ: So Lucas, how's life as an insta-doctor treating you?
LUCAS: Not too badly. I even got a job offer to RUN Michael's waterfront clinic. He really means it when he says No Experience Necessary.
LIZ: So you will be leaving GH for this?
LUCAS: Nah, I can multi-task.
Jake is wheeled into the ER
LIZ: OMG, JAKE!!!! What happened? Did you stay out on the docks all night?
LUCAS: Looks like hypothermia to me. And a concussion and maybe even a seizure. See, I've got this doctor thing down pat.
LIZ: Poor Jakey Jake! Dials Carly : Carly, just thought you should know, Jake is in the ER.
CARLY: I teleported myself here as fast as possible. Jake, what are you doing sleeping on the docks when you have a comped room? You hurt my feelings.
JAKE: Wha? Where am I?
LUCAS: You're in the ER. You blacked out on the docks and got hypothermia.
JAKE: I don't remember.
CARLY: Is there anything you DO remember?
JAKE: Figurine.
Q MANSION FOYER
MICHAEL: You're not my father. My father is dead. You are serving a life sentence for killing him. I'm hanging up.
SONNY: over the phone Michael, listen to me. Stay away from Luke.
MICHAEL: Enjoy life in P-ville. Bye.
Q LIVING ROOM
TRACY: Luke, who are you texting instead of spending time with your wife?
LUKE: Texting? I'm playing Words With Friends. Of course she would play Tedious and Unfortunate. Typical.
MICHAEL: I'm pissed. Sonny called me. He told me to stay away from you, Luke.
MICHAEL: I hung up on him. He is NOT my father anymore. He sent his lackey Shawn after me so I had Alexis serve him a restraining order.
LUKE: Good work, kiddo. By the way, stay out of that basement on the Elm Street house. Its full of rats, snakes, and all kinds of vermin. Not to mention mold. Lots of mold.
MICHAEL: I'll keep that in mind. The house is going to be demoed for the clinic, by the way.
LUKE: Ever consider building your clinic somewhere else?
MICHAEL: I'll think about it. Leaves
TRACY: Maybe you should let Michael build the clinic on that site. Make lemonade out of lemons and all.
KELLY'S
CARLY: Shawn, what are you doing?
SHAWN: Something for Sonny. None of your beeswax.
CARLY: Shawn, I miss Sonny. Why won't he let me see him? Can you talk to him. Please! Pretty Please with a cherry on top?
SHAWN: Nope. Sonny has his reasons. He wants you to move on with your life and not sit around waiting for him.
CARLY: But I WANT to sit around waiting for him. I LOVE him. Sonny will ALWAYS be important to me and he knows it and he's WRONG for keeping me away.
PENTONVILLE
SONNY: So I have Shawn on the Bill Eckert trail.
JULIAN: You're putting a target on both our kids' backs. Lucas, Sam, Michael, Morgan...I'm telling you, don't piss this fake Luke off.
SONNY: Like they're any safer with Fake Luke-slash-Bill Eckert-slash-whatever he's calling himself these days walking around. He's thrown in with the League of Loonies.
JULIAN: Fine, I'm in. Just let me have kevlar vests Fed-Exed to Lucas and Sam. I would suggest you do the same for Michael, Morgan, and even Kristina and that baby you had with my sister.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Apology Flowers
SAM'S BEDROOM
JAKE: Points gun at Sam & Patrick while they're having sex. Recognizes the bedroom. Steps out. Hears Sam & Patrick leave the room for shower sex. Goes back in. Stares at sheets. Remembers wedding ring. Takes wedding ring out of jar on the nightstand and touches it. Puts the wedding ring back. Stares at dragon and phoenix figurines. Takes the phoenix. Leaves.
SAM: That was amazing sex.
PATRICK: Damn straight it was. Wanna take a shower together?
SAM: Let's do it. (after shower) I heard something. Someone's in the apartment.
THE HAUNTED STAR
MAXIE: Lulu, where are you? Johnny! Long time no see! Where's Lulu?
JOHNNY: You just missed her. But you've got me. What you been up to while I was cooling my heels in the Big House?
MAXIE: Only ruining a bunch of lives, having a kid, dating a cop. How 'bout you?
JOHNNY: When I was in lockup, I dreamed of having a little baby girl named Harper.
MAXIE: Nice name. I named mine Georgie because, well, you know, my sister and all.
JOHNNY: Your boyfriend doesn't like me.
MAXIE: You're just being paranoid. Nathan's super sweet and likes everybody.
JOHNNY: How serious are you with this guy? Any chance I can steal you away from him?
MAXIE: Nah. Nathan's Mr. Everything. See you around.
KELLY'S
DANTE: So Michael still hates Sonny and wants to me to arrest Shawn to get back at him.
NATHAN: Are you sure you're not hanging out with me to avoid facing your pissed-off wife?
DANTE: Maybe a little. I kinda punched Johnny in the face and told her to sell her half of the boat. Are any florist shops open this time of night? I need to buy a dozen apology roses.
NATHAN: I don't know. Google 24-hour florists in Port Chuckles. By the way, Maxie kicked me out. She said she wanted to take things slow and not mess our relationship up by us living together. I'm like "Okay, but as long as I can still come over and have sex with you" So I'm living upstairs now.
DANTE: Maxie making a level-headed decision. That's interesting. See ya, partner!
MAXIE: Hello my sexy Mr. Everything! Come sleep over tonight.
NATHAN: Okay.
LANTE'S LOFT
LULU: Wake up, Olivia. I need to vent about your son, the jerk. He is so jealous of my friendship with Johnny. He punched him and demanded that I sell my half of the boat.
OLIVIA: As a mother, I think Dante has a point, even though he was a jerk about it. As a mother-in-law, I just think he's a jerk and you should stand your ground. By the way, I slept with Julian.
LULU: As in JEROME??? OMG!!! When? WHY?
OLIVIA: It was New Year's Eve. Alexis dumped him. I was pining over Ned. We got drunk, played gin, one thing led to another and we ended up in the sack. I'm always dating men who end up in Pentonville. Maybe I should become a nun.
LULU: Nah.
DANTE: Hey Lulu, wake up! I've got some apology flowers for you.
THE PIER
HELENA: So, I told Jake to kill them both!
FLUKE-ALIKE: Double murder. You're playing with fire, lady.
HELENA: Why not? That bastard of a bastard has been asking too many questions and she must have confided in her new paramour. Besides, I'm feeling increasingly bloodthirsty lately.
NIKOLAS: So it's true, grandmother? You and Luke Spencer are a match made in hell? Why Luke? You hate her guts. She and my demented father tried to impregnate my sister, YOUR DAUGHTER against her will. What gives, Luke?
FLUKE-ALIKE: Come on, Nikolas, your grandmother and I have always had a ...complicated relationship. From what I hear, you threw in with Granny Dearest and you could lose as much as any of us should you not fall in line.
NIKOLAS: Yeah, yeah, well I'm outta here. The launch is here. Coming, grandmother?
HELENA: In a few minutes, Nikolas dear. I need to scheme with Luke for just a little while longer.
NIKOLAS: If you say so, grandmother.
FLUKE-ALIKE: I'm outta here too. Good luck with your Jake boy and his killing spree.
HELENA: I sure hope I don't have to kill him too.
PENTONVILLE
SONNY: I've figured out who this fake Luke is. He's Bill Eckert, Luke's identical cousin.
JULIAN: Say WHAT??? I thought that only happened on 1960s sitcoms.
SONNY: I swear, it's for real. Eckert came to town before I did and he looked just like Luke, so he supposedly got himself offed when some dude called Frank Smith, one of my old comrades, thought he was Luke.
JULIAN: So if he's dead, how can he be impersonating Luke now.
SONNY: Julian, Julian, Julian, don't you know by know that NO ONE dies in Port Chuckles. Everyone thought you were six feet under but it turns out you were in Witness Protection. Same thing happened to my brother Ric Lansing. Who says Eckert wasn't the Luke-Alike you met in WP.
JULIAN: Okay, so what now? We're both in the hoosegow, so how are we supposed to stop Luke/Eckert/whoever the hell he is and his league of psychopaths including Helena Cassadine from taking over our territory?
ON THE PIER
JAKE: Remembers something. Stares at phoenix figurine. Cries. Passes out.
JAKE: Points gun at Sam & Patrick while they're having sex. Recognizes the bedroom. Steps out. Hears Sam & Patrick leave the room for shower sex. Goes back in. Stares at sheets. Remembers wedding ring. Takes wedding ring out of jar on the nightstand and touches it. Puts the wedding ring back. Stares at dragon and phoenix figurines. Takes the phoenix. Leaves.
SAM: That was amazing sex.
PATRICK: Damn straight it was. Wanna take a shower together?
SAM: Let's do it. (after shower) I heard something. Someone's in the apartment.
THE HAUNTED STAR
MAXIE: Lulu, where are you? Johnny! Long time no see! Where's Lulu?
JOHNNY: You just missed her. But you've got me. What you been up to while I was cooling my heels in the Big House?
MAXIE: Only ruining a bunch of lives, having a kid, dating a cop. How 'bout you?
JOHNNY: When I was in lockup, I dreamed of having a little baby girl named Harper.
MAXIE: Nice name. I named mine Georgie because, well, you know, my sister and all.
JOHNNY: Your boyfriend doesn't like me.
MAXIE: You're just being paranoid. Nathan's super sweet and likes everybody.
JOHNNY: How serious are you with this guy? Any chance I can steal you away from him?
MAXIE: Nah. Nathan's Mr. Everything. See you around.
KELLY'S
DANTE: So Michael still hates Sonny and wants to me to arrest Shawn to get back at him.
NATHAN: Are you sure you're not hanging out with me to avoid facing your pissed-off wife?
DANTE: Maybe a little. I kinda punched Johnny in the face and told her to sell her half of the boat. Are any florist shops open this time of night? I need to buy a dozen apology roses.
NATHAN: I don't know. Google 24-hour florists in Port Chuckles. By the way, Maxie kicked me out. She said she wanted to take things slow and not mess our relationship up by us living together. I'm like "Okay, but as long as I can still come over and have sex with you" So I'm living upstairs now.
DANTE: Maxie making a level-headed decision. That's interesting. See ya, partner!
MAXIE: Hello my sexy Mr. Everything! Come sleep over tonight.
NATHAN: Okay.
LANTE'S LOFT
LULU: Wake up, Olivia. I need to vent about your son, the jerk. He is so jealous of my friendship with Johnny. He punched him and demanded that I sell my half of the boat.
OLIVIA: As a mother, I think Dante has a point, even though he was a jerk about it. As a mother-in-law, I just think he's a jerk and you should stand your ground. By the way, I slept with Julian.
LULU: As in JEROME??? OMG!!! When? WHY?
OLIVIA: It was New Year's Eve. Alexis dumped him. I was pining over Ned. We got drunk, played gin, one thing led to another and we ended up in the sack. I'm always dating men who end up in Pentonville. Maybe I should become a nun.
LULU: Nah.
DANTE: Hey Lulu, wake up! I've got some apology flowers for you.
THE PIER
HELENA: So, I told Jake to kill them both!
FLUKE-ALIKE: Double murder. You're playing with fire, lady.
HELENA: Why not? That bastard of a bastard has been asking too many questions and she must have confided in her new paramour. Besides, I'm feeling increasingly bloodthirsty lately.
NIKOLAS: So it's true, grandmother? You and Luke Spencer are a match made in hell? Why Luke? You hate her guts. She and my demented father tried to impregnate my sister, YOUR DAUGHTER against her will. What gives, Luke?
FLUKE-ALIKE: Come on, Nikolas, your grandmother and I have always had a ...complicated relationship. From what I hear, you threw in with Granny Dearest and you could lose as much as any of us should you not fall in line.
NIKOLAS: Yeah, yeah, well I'm outta here. The launch is here. Coming, grandmother?
HELENA: In a few minutes, Nikolas dear. I need to scheme with Luke for just a little while longer.
NIKOLAS: If you say so, grandmother.
FLUKE-ALIKE: I'm outta here too. Good luck with your Jake boy and his killing spree.
HELENA: I sure hope I don't have to kill him too.
PENTONVILLE
SONNY: I've figured out who this fake Luke is. He's Bill Eckert, Luke's identical cousin.
JULIAN: Say WHAT??? I thought that only happened on 1960s sitcoms.
SONNY: I swear, it's for real. Eckert came to town before I did and he looked just like Luke, so he supposedly got himself offed when some dude called Frank Smith, one of my old comrades, thought he was Luke.
JULIAN: So if he's dead, how can he be impersonating Luke now.
SONNY: Julian, Julian, Julian, don't you know by know that NO ONE dies in Port Chuckles. Everyone thought you were six feet under but it turns out you were in Witness Protection. Same thing happened to my brother Ric Lansing. Who says Eckert wasn't the Luke-Alike you met in WP.
JULIAN: Okay, so what now? We're both in the hoosegow, so how are we supposed to stop Luke/Eckert/whoever the hell he is and his league of psychopaths including Helena Cassadine from taking over our territory?
ON THE PIER
JAKE: Remembers something. Stares at phoenix figurine. Cries. Passes out.
Monday, January 19, 2015
New Look, New Format
It's time to shake things up around here! Readership is nowhere near where I'd like it to be and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result. So, instead of recapping the day's episode from each character's point of view, which led to some very awkward one-sided conversations and a blog that was, quite frankly, growing stale and boring very quickly, I'm changing up the format. Inspired by a hilarious year-in-review blog entry at Despair in The Afternoon, I am going to break the episode down into dialogues and scenes instead of going character-by-character.
At the Haunted Star:
DANTE: Sell the Haunted Star back to Johnny, Lulu.
LULU: No freakin' WAY! It's my dad's boat and it's staying in the family!
DANTE: You're not working with a criminal, Lulu? Why not? BECAUSE I SAID SO!
JOHNNY: Hey Dante, would it kill ya to let Lulu speak for herself? Or are you a controlling JERK like your father?
DANTE: Dem's fightin' words, Johnny!
JOHNNY: Bring it!
LULU: Don't you guys be fighting over little ol' me!
At the Pier
FLUKE-ALIKE: Of all the thorns in your side, why did you have to go and off a hot one?
HELENA: Your sex drive is so tedious.
FLUKE-ALIKE: So how come I don't know the name of the mysterious Soldier Boy?
HELENA: If you must know, his name is Jake. Or so HE thinks.
FLUKE-ALIKE: Stupid name .
HELENA: Why so cross?
FLUKE-ALIKE: Julian's still breathing.
HELENA: What's taking Soldier Boy so long? Why haven't I heard from him?
FLUKE-ALIKE: Allow me to explain to you how a phone works.
HELENA: Jake, is Sam dead yet?
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: Can't have sex yet. Not with Jason watching. I have to put his picture away.
PATRICK: If you say so.
SAM: Okay, Jason's in the drawer. Let's go at it.
PATRICK: What says you? Am I as good as my dream self?
SAM: Way better! Let's have more sex.
DOWNSTAIRS AT SAM'S
JAKE: Nice place. Too bad I have to kill Sam on Helena's orders.
ROBIN: Don't do it. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.
JAKE: Who are you and what the hell are you doing here?
ROBIN: I'm a hallucination. You're remembering stuff. Don't kill Sam just because some crazy old lady told you to.
JAKE: But I'm her robot. She programmed me to carry out her orders.
PHONE CONVO BETWEEN HELENA & JAKE:
JAKE: No, Sam's not dead. She's upstairs having sex, probably with Patrick.
HELENA: Go figure. Here's an idea. Kill him too.
JAKE: Say WHAT????
HELENA: YOU'RE ACTIVE, SOLDIER BOY. PREPARE TO KILL!!!!
JAKE: Okay, whatever.
AT THE HOSPITAL:
CARLY: Hey Elizabeth! Seen Jake lately?
LIZ: I just saw him on the pier and he was acting all weird, like not wanting to have dinner with me.
CARLY: So just because he didn't want to be the third wheel with you & Ric, he's acting weird?
LIZ: Ric's out of town, not like it's any of your business. But Jake had this mysterious duffel bag. He said he was at Sonny's gym and that you told him about it.
CARLY: I did? That's weird. Maybe it was when I was talking his ear off about The Gospel of Jason and Sonny it slipped out.
LIZ: He had a faraway look in his eyes.
CARLY: When does he not have a faraway look in his eyes. I'm worried about him.
LIZ: Me too.
AT PENTONVILLE:
JULIAN: Sonny, you may not care if Luke's evil twin goes after your kid, but I sure as hell don't want him going after Lucas again.
SONNY: Go bug someone else, Julian. I hear Franco's free.
JULIAN: I'm serious, Sonny. We need to stop this guy, like, yesterday.
JOHNNY'S GOON: Guess what, boys? You may have killed a few of my men, but my supply of lackeys is limitless.
SONNY: How about I just kill YOU this time. Unless you give me a phone.
JULIAN: I knew Helena was involved in this. She hates Alexis so she could go after Alexis or Sam.
SONNY: Shawn's got it under control.
SONNY'S PHONE CONVO WITH SHAWN:
SONNY: Hey Shawn, you been tailing the fake Luke?
SHAWN: Sure thing. He and Helena Cassadine were plotting and scheming at Luke's childhood home on Elm Street.
SONNY: Did they see you?
SHAWN: Nope, I ran and hid when she showed up. But Michael just came by and he was pissed.
SONNY: Keep Michael away from this house!
SHAWN: Good luck with that. He wants to make it into a clinic.
AT THE ELM STREET HOUSE:
MICHAEL: Intruder! Intruder! What the hell are you doing here? Did Sonny send you here to check on me?
SHAWN: What are YOU doing here, Michael? You don't own this house.
MICHAEL: Not yet, but I'm GONNA. Scram or I'll have you arrested for trespassing.
SHAWN: How can you have me arrested for trespassing on a property that is not yours?
MICHAEL: Just get your mobular ass out of here, okay? Dante, come over here now. I want to report an intruder at a house I don't own.
DANTE: Michael, no can do. Find another way to get back at Sonny.
At the Haunted Star:
DANTE: Sell the Haunted Star back to Johnny, Lulu.
LULU: No freakin' WAY! It's my dad's boat and it's staying in the family!
DANTE: You're not working with a criminal, Lulu? Why not? BECAUSE I SAID SO!
JOHNNY: Hey Dante, would it kill ya to let Lulu speak for herself? Or are you a controlling JERK like your father?
DANTE: Dem's fightin' words, Johnny!
JOHNNY: Bring it!
LULU: Don't you guys be fighting over little ol' me!
At the Pier
FLUKE-ALIKE: Of all the thorns in your side, why did you have to go and off a hot one?
HELENA: Your sex drive is so tedious.
FLUKE-ALIKE: So how come I don't know the name of the mysterious Soldier Boy?
HELENA: If you must know, his name is Jake. Or so HE thinks.
FLUKE-ALIKE: Stupid name .
HELENA: Why so cross?
FLUKE-ALIKE: Julian's still breathing.
HELENA: What's taking Soldier Boy so long? Why haven't I heard from him?
FLUKE-ALIKE: Allow me to explain to you how a phone works.
HELENA: Jake, is Sam dead yet?
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: Can't have sex yet. Not with Jason watching. I have to put his picture away.
PATRICK: If you say so.
SAM: Okay, Jason's in the drawer. Let's go at it.
PATRICK: What says you? Am I as good as my dream self?
SAM: Way better! Let's have more sex.
DOWNSTAIRS AT SAM'S
JAKE: Nice place. Too bad I have to kill Sam on Helena's orders.
ROBIN: Don't do it. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.
JAKE: Who are you and what the hell are you doing here?
ROBIN: I'm a hallucination. You're remembering stuff. Don't kill Sam just because some crazy old lady told you to.
JAKE: But I'm her robot. She programmed me to carry out her orders.
PHONE CONVO BETWEEN HELENA & JAKE:
JAKE: No, Sam's not dead. She's upstairs having sex, probably with Patrick.
HELENA: Go figure. Here's an idea. Kill him too.
JAKE: Say WHAT????
HELENA: YOU'RE ACTIVE, SOLDIER BOY. PREPARE TO KILL!!!!
JAKE: Okay, whatever.
AT THE HOSPITAL:
CARLY: Hey Elizabeth! Seen Jake lately?
LIZ: I just saw him on the pier and he was acting all weird, like not wanting to have dinner with me.
CARLY: So just because he didn't want to be the third wheel with you & Ric, he's acting weird?
LIZ: Ric's out of town, not like it's any of your business. But Jake had this mysterious duffel bag. He said he was at Sonny's gym and that you told him about it.
CARLY: I did? That's weird. Maybe it was when I was talking his ear off about The Gospel of Jason and Sonny it slipped out.
LIZ: He had a faraway look in his eyes.
CARLY: When does he not have a faraway look in his eyes. I'm worried about him.
LIZ: Me too.
AT PENTONVILLE:
JULIAN: Sonny, you may not care if Luke's evil twin goes after your kid, but I sure as hell don't want him going after Lucas again.
SONNY: Go bug someone else, Julian. I hear Franco's free.
JULIAN: I'm serious, Sonny. We need to stop this guy, like, yesterday.
JOHNNY'S GOON: Guess what, boys? You may have killed a few of my men, but my supply of lackeys is limitless.
SONNY: How about I just kill YOU this time. Unless you give me a phone.
JULIAN: I knew Helena was involved in this. She hates Alexis so she could go after Alexis or Sam.
SONNY: Shawn's got it under control.
SONNY'S PHONE CONVO WITH SHAWN:
SONNY: Hey Shawn, you been tailing the fake Luke?
SHAWN: Sure thing. He and Helena Cassadine were plotting and scheming at Luke's childhood home on Elm Street.
SONNY: Did they see you?
SHAWN: Nope, I ran and hid when she showed up. But Michael just came by and he was pissed.
SONNY: Keep Michael away from this house!
SHAWN: Good luck with that. He wants to make it into a clinic.
AT THE ELM STREET HOUSE:
MICHAEL: Intruder! Intruder! What the hell are you doing here? Did Sonny send you here to check on me?
SHAWN: What are YOU doing here, Michael? You don't own this house.
MICHAEL: Not yet, but I'm GONNA. Scram or I'll have you arrested for trespassing.
SHAWN: How can you have me arrested for trespassing on a property that is not yours?
MICHAEL: Just get your mobular ass out of here, okay? Dante, come over here now. I want to report an intruder at a house I don't own.
DANTE: Michael, no can do. Find another way to get back at Sonny.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Paging Dr. Lucas Jones...
Look who decided to practice medicine after all! Lucas The Intern will soon be RUNNING Michael's waterfront Nightmare on Elm Street Clinic! Yes, the guy who's been an intern for five minutes will soon be running a clinic. In other news, Rosalie now has health insurance! Julian doesn't trust Shawn as far as he can throw him! Sam can cook consumable food! Lulu wants to play with Johnny but Dante says no! Jake's lurking at the pier with his Soldier Boy Duffel Bag in tow! Helena & The Luke-Alike have a rendezvous at the House of Horrors and don't seem to notice Shawn lurking behind a door! But don't worry. Shawn won't shoot anyone. He doesn't know how.
MICHAEL: Hey Doc! LUCAS??? Since when do you practice medicine? So I have this assistant who sprained her ankle in the creepy Freddy Krueger house that will be turned into the AJ Quartermaine Clinic. By the way, Carly's not my mom anymore and Sonny's not my dad. Anyone who insists otherwise is DEAD TO ME. I don't want you to be DEAD TO ME so can we change the subject? Like do you want to run my clinic? Don't worry about the lack of experience. Back before I disowned them, I hired Morgan and Kiki to renovate the Brownstone. It's called a youth movement. Meet Rosalie. She's young, she's hot, her ankle hurts, and now she has health insurance on the QuartermaineCare plan.
ROSALIE: Michael, seriously, my ankle feels much better now. I don't need to see a doctor. Besides, it's not as if I have health insurance. Nina doesn't believe in COBRA. She thinks it's a kind of snake. I know I saw a mouse and I smelled something REALLY RIPE coming from the basement, which is why I'm glad you didn't go down there. You would have passed out from the fumes. X-ray? No thanks. Not a fan of radiation. Fine, I'll do it but my ankle is feeling so much better.
LUCAS: Michael! Guess who's a doctor now? Okay, an intern, but even Dr. Obrecht can't deny I've got da skillz! Yeah, I was getting tired of sitting around on my ass and not practicing medicine so I was like, "What the hell?" and applied for a job. So what's up. You feeling under the weather? Rosalie, your ankle isn't swollen, but I'm gonna have you get an X-ray just to make sure it's not, you know, broken and all. Hey Michael, you might want to reconsider your I Hate Carly stance. Same goes with Morgan. Okay, okay, agree to disagree. So you want me to work at your clinic? As a lowly intern? You want me to RUN IT? Awesome!
LUKE-ALIKE: Oh, the joys of being a Fluke. Spending my days on Elm Street, checking up on my noxious prisoner, rendezvous with well-dressed older women with a psychopathic streak...speak of the devil and I mean that literally. Why the excursion out to these parts? You know we're like Bruce Wayne and Batman: We can't be seen together. Whatsamatter? Grandson not falling in line? Minions behaving badly? If it's the latter, I can relate. How did you get in? Have you taken lock-picking lessons from the problematic Miss Samantha Morgan? Newsflash, Julian & Sonny are prison buddies! Wanna ditch this joint?
HELENA: Ugh! Close that door! The stench of Luke Spencer is more than I can bear! What's the matter, "Fluke"? Do you not trust me? Your paranoia is becoming somewhat tedious, but you must have your reasons. Would you care to enlighten me? You don't mean to tell me that Julian and Sonny are conspiring with each other over glasses of prison wine? That is preposterous! Besides, if Sonny and Julian sent an assassin after you, you would be dead right now and I would be enduring another stay at the Cassadine Cryogenic Spa. Come on, you know I'm right. Let's relocate our meeting, shall we?
SHAWN: That lock was easy enough to pick. Now, Shawn, remember how to shoot a gun. You pull the trigger when you see the guy you want to shoot and you don't start a long conversation with him--wait! Who's that old rich lady and what's she yabbering about? Did I hear the name Sonny? Good, they left. I'd hate to have to shoot an old lady. Now I got to get down into that basement.
SONNY: Jules, why the follow? Don't you got better things to do than stalk me? If you must know I was talking to Shawn. I sent him after the fake Luke. Don't be so paranoid, Jules! I trust Shawn. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe.
JULIAN: Sonny, my new best friend, who were you talking to? You can tell me. We're bros now, right? You sent Shawn after my LukeFace Boss? Are you on drugs? Now you've put a target on both our sons' backs. Once LukeFace sees Shawn, he'll know I spilled the beans and Lucas is as good as dead and so is Michael. Cuz you know he won't bother with the likes of Morgan, Dante, & Kristina. C'mon man! Shawn better be a master of disguise or our kids are screwed!
ALEXIS: I'm baaaaack! My clients settled. Talk about a waste of my time. Patrick is coming over? Don't mind me. I'll be up reading the latest Danielle Steel novel. Or just wandering around Port Chuckles trying not to think about my daughter having sex with her hot doctor boyfriend. I'm outta here.
SAM: Mom? You're back early. Yeah, I was kinda gonna have sex with Patrick tonight. I even COOKED! If he doesn't get food poisoning, it's going to be a helluva night. Patrick! Guess what? I cooked dinner. I just learned how to read a recipe today. Voila! Risotto! I'll take the first bite just to make sure it's safe. OMG, it's actually good. What a relief! Dig in! You like? So far, so good. No sickness or death yet. Yeah, I dropped the investigation into Jake (fingers crossed behind back). I have more important things to do, like have sex with you.
PATRICK: Hi Elizabeth. Got any big plans tonight? I'm going over to Sam's to have--dinner. Yeah, she's cooking me dinner. That should be interesting. Thanks for your concern, but she's moved on from her dead hubby. I think. Sam! I smell food that's not from Noodle Buddha! So you actually went through with the cooking thing. I can't wait to taste it. Well, whaddaya know. I'm not sick...yet. This food actually tastes good. Are you dropping the Jake investigation? Good. Wanna have sex now?
JAKE: Uhlizabeth. Didn't expect to see you here. The duffel bag? It's my soldier--it's for my Soldier Workout at that new boxing gym. Hey, thanks for the invite to dinner, but I'm gonna have to say no. I don't want Ric giving me any more lectures about staying away from his woman. Carly? We're just friends. Just between you and me, that woman talks waaaaay too much. But she's giving me a job and a room, so I can't complain. See you around. Okay, Jake. You're in Soldier Boy Mode now. Find Sam and kill her.
ELIZABETH: Hi Patrick! Hot date tonight? With Sam? Are you SURE about that? I totally don't think she's over Jason yet. But it's not my business. Like that's ever stopped me from meddling before. Have fun on your date. I'm gonna have mac 'n' cheese with the boys. Or boy. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure how many kids I have anymore. Jake! What are you doing hanging around the pier like a homeless person. What's in that bag? Your entire life? Wanna come eat kiddie food with me and however many children I still have? Ric won't mind. He's out of town with Molly. Okay, but you're missing mac 'n' cheese night!
JOHNNY: Hey Dante, I didn't go looking for Lulu. She found me here. No fair calling me a criminal. I'm innocent, man! If I weren't, I'd still be cozing up to your old man in P-ville. So what else you got on me, Dante? Sonny Tampering in prison? Since I've been out, a full two minutes, I haven't committed any crimes. All I did was buy back my share of the Haunted Star.
LULU: Dante, how could you??? I'm your WIFE, not your daughter! How could you and Nathan order Johnny to stay away from me and not tell me that you ordered him to stay away from me? I'm a grown woman and if I want to hang out with Johnny, I'm gonna hang out with Johnny. He's not a criminal anymore. He didn't kill Anthony. He's my friend and my business partner. He owns half of this boat, Dante. What am I supposed to do? Kick him off his own property?
DANTE: You bet I told Johnny The Criminal to stay away from you, Lulu. He's bad news, sweetie pie. VERY BAD NEWS! I can't have you doing shots with mobsters, you hear? Or going into business with them. Now how about you sell your half of the Haunted Star back to him?
MICHAEL: Hey Doc! LUCAS??? Since when do you practice medicine? So I have this assistant who sprained her ankle in the creepy Freddy Krueger house that will be turned into the AJ Quartermaine Clinic. By the way, Carly's not my mom anymore and Sonny's not my dad. Anyone who insists otherwise is DEAD TO ME. I don't want you to be DEAD TO ME so can we change the subject? Like do you want to run my clinic? Don't worry about the lack of experience. Back before I disowned them, I hired Morgan and Kiki to renovate the Brownstone. It's called a youth movement. Meet Rosalie. She's young, she's hot, her ankle hurts, and now she has health insurance on the QuartermaineCare plan.
ROSALIE: Michael, seriously, my ankle feels much better now. I don't need to see a doctor. Besides, it's not as if I have health insurance. Nina doesn't believe in COBRA. She thinks it's a kind of snake. I know I saw a mouse and I smelled something REALLY RIPE coming from the basement, which is why I'm glad you didn't go down there. You would have passed out from the fumes. X-ray? No thanks. Not a fan of radiation. Fine, I'll do it but my ankle is feeling so much better.
LUCAS: Michael! Guess who's a doctor now? Okay, an intern, but even Dr. Obrecht can't deny I've got da skillz! Yeah, I was getting tired of sitting around on my ass and not practicing medicine so I was like, "What the hell?" and applied for a job. So what's up. You feeling under the weather? Rosalie, your ankle isn't swollen, but I'm gonna have you get an X-ray just to make sure it's not, you know, broken and all. Hey Michael, you might want to reconsider your I Hate Carly stance. Same goes with Morgan. Okay, okay, agree to disagree. So you want me to work at your clinic? As a lowly intern? You want me to RUN IT? Awesome!
LUKE-ALIKE: Oh, the joys of being a Fluke. Spending my days on Elm Street, checking up on my noxious prisoner, rendezvous with well-dressed older women with a psychopathic streak...speak of the devil and I mean that literally. Why the excursion out to these parts? You know we're like Bruce Wayne and Batman: We can't be seen together. Whatsamatter? Grandson not falling in line? Minions behaving badly? If it's the latter, I can relate. How did you get in? Have you taken lock-picking lessons from the problematic Miss Samantha Morgan? Newsflash, Julian & Sonny are prison buddies! Wanna ditch this joint?
HELENA: Ugh! Close that door! The stench of Luke Spencer is more than I can bear! What's the matter, "Fluke"? Do you not trust me? Your paranoia is becoming somewhat tedious, but you must have your reasons. Would you care to enlighten me? You don't mean to tell me that Julian and Sonny are conspiring with each other over glasses of prison wine? That is preposterous! Besides, if Sonny and Julian sent an assassin after you, you would be dead right now and I would be enduring another stay at the Cassadine Cryogenic Spa. Come on, you know I'm right. Let's relocate our meeting, shall we?
SHAWN: That lock was easy enough to pick. Now, Shawn, remember how to shoot a gun. You pull the trigger when you see the guy you want to shoot and you don't start a long conversation with him--wait! Who's that old rich lady and what's she yabbering about? Did I hear the name Sonny? Good, they left. I'd hate to have to shoot an old lady. Now I got to get down into that basement.
SONNY: Jules, why the follow? Don't you got better things to do than stalk me? If you must know I was talking to Shawn. I sent him after the fake Luke. Don't be so paranoid, Jules! I trust Shawn. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe.
JULIAN: Sonny, my new best friend, who were you talking to? You can tell me. We're bros now, right? You sent Shawn after my LukeFace Boss? Are you on drugs? Now you've put a target on both our sons' backs. Once LukeFace sees Shawn, he'll know I spilled the beans and Lucas is as good as dead and so is Michael. Cuz you know he won't bother with the likes of Morgan, Dante, & Kristina. C'mon man! Shawn better be a master of disguise or our kids are screwed!
ALEXIS: I'm baaaaack! My clients settled. Talk about a waste of my time. Patrick is coming over? Don't mind me. I'll be up reading the latest Danielle Steel novel. Or just wandering around Port Chuckles trying not to think about my daughter having sex with her hot doctor boyfriend. I'm outta here.
SAM: Mom? You're back early. Yeah, I was kinda gonna have sex with Patrick tonight. I even COOKED! If he doesn't get food poisoning, it's going to be a helluva night. Patrick! Guess what? I cooked dinner. I just learned how to read a recipe today. Voila! Risotto! I'll take the first bite just to make sure it's safe. OMG, it's actually good. What a relief! Dig in! You like? So far, so good. No sickness or death yet. Yeah, I dropped the investigation into Jake (fingers crossed behind back). I have more important things to do, like have sex with you.
PATRICK: Hi Elizabeth. Got any big plans tonight? I'm going over to Sam's to have--dinner. Yeah, she's cooking me dinner. That should be interesting. Thanks for your concern, but she's moved on from her dead hubby. I think. Sam! I smell food that's not from Noodle Buddha! So you actually went through with the cooking thing. I can't wait to taste it. Well, whaddaya know. I'm not sick...yet. This food actually tastes good. Are you dropping the Jake investigation? Good. Wanna have sex now?
JAKE: Uhlizabeth. Didn't expect to see you here. The duffel bag? It's my soldier--it's for my Soldier Workout at that new boxing gym. Hey, thanks for the invite to dinner, but I'm gonna have to say no. I don't want Ric giving me any more lectures about staying away from his woman. Carly? We're just friends. Just between you and me, that woman talks waaaaay too much. But she's giving me a job and a room, so I can't complain. See you around. Okay, Jake. You're in Soldier Boy Mode now. Find Sam and kill her.
ELIZABETH: Hi Patrick! Hot date tonight? With Sam? Are you SURE about that? I totally don't think she's over Jason yet. But it's not my business. Like that's ever stopped me from meddling before. Have fun on your date. I'm gonna have mac 'n' cheese with the boys. Or boy. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure how many kids I have anymore. Jake! What are you doing hanging around the pier like a homeless person. What's in that bag? Your entire life? Wanna come eat kiddie food with me and however many children I still have? Ric won't mind. He's out of town with Molly. Okay, but you're missing mac 'n' cheese night!
JOHNNY: Hey Dante, I didn't go looking for Lulu. She found me here. No fair calling me a criminal. I'm innocent, man! If I weren't, I'd still be cozing up to your old man in P-ville. So what else you got on me, Dante? Sonny Tampering in prison? Since I've been out, a full two minutes, I haven't committed any crimes. All I did was buy back my share of the Haunted Star.
LULU: Dante, how could you??? I'm your WIFE, not your daughter! How could you and Nathan order Johnny to stay away from me and not tell me that you ordered him to stay away from me? I'm a grown woman and if I want to hang out with Johnny, I'm gonna hang out with Johnny. He's not a criminal anymore. He didn't kill Anthony. He's my friend and my business partner. He owns half of this boat, Dante. What am I supposed to do? Kick him off his own property?
DANTE: You bet I told Johnny The Criminal to stay away from you, Lulu. He's bad news, sweetie pie. VERY BAD NEWS! I can't have you doing shots with mobsters, you hear? Or going into business with them. Now how about you sell your half of the Haunted Star back to him?
Thursday, January 15, 2015
And I Thought Nina Was Nuts!
Rosalie finds that working for Helena makes working for Nina look like the minor leagues. Helena lies and tells Nikolas that she's working with Luke. Luke-Alike bemoans his lack of trustworthy help. Lulu gets pissed when she finds out Dante ordered Johnny to stay away from her. Anna asks Jordan to stay undercover, but to keep the new commish out of the loop. Sonny tries to run a mob war from Pentonville.
ROSALIE: Hey Michael, why don't I go outside to look for secret passageways into the basement. And make a phone call to my new boss. So, Mrs. Cassadine, I got the job working for Michael and he wants me to go into this creepy basement at a house on Elm Street. Whoa whoa whoa, lady, are you off your meds or something? You're nuttier than my old boss Nina. So the basement is a no-no. Mind telling me why? Or not. Yeah, I know. If I don't keep him out of the basement, you're gonna sing like a canary. Say, Michael, about that basement. Bad idea. It's creepy and I'm scared of spiders and --OW--I just fake-sprained my ankle! Thanks for being all sweet about it, but no doctor for me. I'm taking up faith healing.
HELENA: Fear not, my darling grandson. We will get our hands on ELQ in no time. I have hired an insider to work with the naive, inexperienced child who now goes by Michael Quartermaine. She came with excellent references. Does the name Nina Clay strike a familiar chord with you? Her mother and I go way back. This insider I have hired is of questionable breeding, but she is accustomed to working for highly demanding clients who know her dirty little secret. Miss Rosalie Martinez will be the key to our takeover of ELQ. Rosalie, may I inquire as to how your assignment is proceeding? KEEP MICHAEL OUT OF THE BASEMENT OR YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET IS THE FRONT PAGE STORY OF THAT PEDESTRIAN PORT CHARLES PRESS! I'm sorry, darling Nikolas. I must make an important phone call. (to the Luke-Alike). We have a problem with one Michael Quartermaine. Now now, Mr. Luke-Alike, why so cross? Nikolas, if you must know, I am working with Luke Spencer. We have found a common purpose and I just received word from my contacts in the afterlife that Hell has just frozen over. Mikkos has been keeping busy.
NIKOLAS: Grandmother, I'm going to need a name of your so-called "insider" at ELQ. We are a team now, are we not? Rosalie Martinez...have I heard of her before? Didn't she work for that barking mad Nina Clay woman who stole a baby? I'm sure she must be in your League of Loonies Mahjong group, or was that her mother? So what sort of leverage do you hold over this Rosalie? Oh, a dirty little secret. I guess you've softened in your golden years, Grandmother. Your typical leverage over your "employees" is their life. By the way, who is this boss you were just speaking with? Again, Grandmother, I need a name. Luke Spencer? Now that's hilarious. Luke can't stand you! Give me one good reason he would work with you?
MICHAEL: Here we are, Rosalie. This is my grandmother's childhood home and the site of the future AJ Quartermaine Memorial Clinic. What says you? Let's go check out the basement. Check outside for another way in? Good thinking. No luck? I couldn't find a key, but I'm an expert at picking locks with old shoehorns. Watch and learn. What? Basements creep you out? I've almost got it. Rosalie, are you okay? Yeah, next time you might want to wear more sensible shoes for prowling around creepy old houses that are to be re-purposed as waterfront clinics.
LUKE-ALIKE: Johnny-boy, you let me down. Your goons couldn't get the drop on Jerome in the hoosegow and now I've got a liability with a giant mouth on him. Since when does Corinthos have Jerome's back. Are they involved in one of those sick, twisted prison bromances? Why are my employees so disloyal and incompetent? Why, why, WHYYYYYY? Now you're begging for another chance to screw me over. Hey cupcake! I was just catching up with Johnny-boy here, telling him he needs to behave himself if he wants to keep company with my gorgeous daughter. Gotta get that. Husbandly duty. Hello my darling. Michael almost went into the BASEMENT??? DAMMIT!!! CAN NO ONE DO THEIR JOB AROUND HERE? I'll take care of it. Sorry, cupcake. I'm gonna need to take a raincheck on the Father-Daughter lunch. The wife needs me.
SONNY: Shawn, we need to watch our backs, man. Johnny Zacharra's gunning for us. Us, being me and Julian Jerome. I saved Jerome's ass so he would tell me who his boss is and you'll never believe this. He's working for a guy who has LUKE SPENCER'S FACE, but he isn't Luke. The guy must have Luke stashed away and that's the best case scenario. My buddy could be dead. Find out who this impostor is, Shawn and take him out. For real this time. No three-hour conversations while waving a gun in his face, you hear? Jordan who? Nah, leave her out of it. I've learned the hard way that it's always risky to mix business with pleasure.
SHAWN: Hey, boss, want me to keep an eye on Johnny for you? I heard he sent some of his men after Jerome and you stuck your neck out to save him. What's up with that? Since when do you put your life on the line for Julian Jerome? He told you about his boss? Dude have a name? So a nameless guy walking around with Luke Spencer's face. That's a lot of information to go on. Hey, can Jordan help? I think she might be a better assassin than I am. Okay, no Jordan. I'll tail the Non-Luke with one eye and keep the other eye on Johnny Z.
ANNA: Jordan, this is important. Kyle Sloane is not to know you're working undercover. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him and we both know I weigh 90 lbs soaking wet. You need to stay undercover so we can rid Port Charles of the mob once and for all. Corinthos and Jerome are behind bars, but the criminal element is still alive and well in this town and I think Sloane and Lomax might be in on this. We are too close to give up now, Jordan. I have assigned two of my most trusted detectives to protect you. Detectives West and Falconeri are the best there is. If I can't bring down organized crime from the inside, I will have to do it from the outside but I need your help. Are you in?
JORDAN: Anna, I'm so done with being undercover. This job has consumed my life and cost me my relationship with TJ. If Agent Sloane doesn't know I'm undercover, how is he going to protect me? How can I work for you when you are no longer police commissioner? I am tired of having a target on my back, Anna. Are you telling me that West and Falconeri will be working with you behind Sloane's back?
SLOANE: Detective West, Detective Falconeri, let's lay our cards on the table, shall we? Where do your loyalties lie? With me or with Anna Devane? Very well, then. Answer me this. Who was Anna Devane's confidential informant? I know you boys know and you're just not telling me. WHO THE FRAGGIN' HELL IS THIS PERSON? I plan on raising this department to among the finest in the state, if not the whole country. Are you in or are you out? Psst, Detective West. Keep and eye on Falconeri. Something about him I don't trust.
NATHAN: We're here, Commissioner. Reporting for duty. Damn straight we want to keep our jobs. I have no problem reporting to you. (fingers crossed behind back). Confidential informant? Dante, do you know about Anna Devane having a C.I.? Neither do I. Excuse me. Girlfriend calling. Are you sure it's okay if I take this? Yes, Anna, we lied through our teeth to Sloane. My fingers were crossed behind my back the whole time. What is it, Commissioner? Yeah, sure, I'll babysit Dante for you.
DANTE: I don't have a problem with a regime change. I was here when Mac Scorpio was in charge, I stayed on when Anna Devane took over, and now I'm ready to work for you, Commissioner Sloane. You're asking the wrong guys, Commissioner. Knowing the identity of the C.I.s was above our pay grade. Anna Devane wasn't going to trust us lowly detectives with such sensitive information. We didn't even know about Faison's hidey-hole. (at the Haunted Star) Lulu? Johnny? Color me PISSED OFF!!!
LULU: Hi Daddy! Hi Johnny. Daddy, leave Johnny alone. He's a friend of mine. You know, he's just my really hot friend who just got out of jail for a crime he didn't commit. Say hi to Tracy for me. Johnny, are you saying you bought back the Haunted Star? Wait, hold up, WHAT DID DANTE SAY? He ORDERED you to stay away from me? Who does he think I am? ROCCO? What makes him think he can ORDER anyone to stay away from me? I am SO kicking him out of bed tonight.
JOHNNY: Sorry, man. How was I supposed to know Corinthos would throw in with Jerome? As far as I knew, they hated each other's guts. Give me another chance, boss man. Give me another crack at Jerome. Lulu! Great to see ya! Your dad was just giving me a hard time because I served hard time. He doesn't want ex-cons hanging around his sweet little girl, even if said ex-cons are INNOCENT. He ain't the only one who doesn't want me sharing air with ya. Your hubby and his cop buddy paid a visit to me the other day and said "Welcome Back to the outside world. Now stay the hell away from my wife." Forget I said that, Lulu. Me and my big fat yapper. I just want us to hang out like the old times. Don't look now, but the guy you're pissed at just walked onto this yacht.
ROSALIE: Hey Michael, why don't I go outside to look for secret passageways into the basement. And make a phone call to my new boss. So, Mrs. Cassadine, I got the job working for Michael and he wants me to go into this creepy basement at a house on Elm Street. Whoa whoa whoa, lady, are you off your meds or something? You're nuttier than my old boss Nina. So the basement is a no-no. Mind telling me why? Or not. Yeah, I know. If I don't keep him out of the basement, you're gonna sing like a canary. Say, Michael, about that basement. Bad idea. It's creepy and I'm scared of spiders and --OW--I just fake-sprained my ankle! Thanks for being all sweet about it, but no doctor for me. I'm taking up faith healing.
HELENA: Fear not, my darling grandson. We will get our hands on ELQ in no time. I have hired an insider to work with the naive, inexperienced child who now goes by Michael Quartermaine. She came with excellent references. Does the name Nina Clay strike a familiar chord with you? Her mother and I go way back. This insider I have hired is of questionable breeding, but she is accustomed to working for highly demanding clients who know her dirty little secret. Miss Rosalie Martinez will be the key to our takeover of ELQ. Rosalie, may I inquire as to how your assignment is proceeding? KEEP MICHAEL OUT OF THE BASEMENT OR YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET IS THE FRONT PAGE STORY OF THAT PEDESTRIAN PORT CHARLES PRESS! I'm sorry, darling Nikolas. I must make an important phone call. (to the Luke-Alike). We have a problem with one Michael Quartermaine. Now now, Mr. Luke-Alike, why so cross? Nikolas, if you must know, I am working with Luke Spencer. We have found a common purpose and I just received word from my contacts in the afterlife that Hell has just frozen over. Mikkos has been keeping busy.
NIKOLAS: Grandmother, I'm going to need a name of your so-called "insider" at ELQ. We are a team now, are we not? Rosalie Martinez...have I heard of her before? Didn't she work for that barking mad Nina Clay woman who stole a baby? I'm sure she must be in your League of Loonies Mahjong group, or was that her mother? So what sort of leverage do you hold over this Rosalie? Oh, a dirty little secret. I guess you've softened in your golden years, Grandmother. Your typical leverage over your "employees" is their life. By the way, who is this boss you were just speaking with? Again, Grandmother, I need a name. Luke Spencer? Now that's hilarious. Luke can't stand you! Give me one good reason he would work with you?
MICHAEL: Here we are, Rosalie. This is my grandmother's childhood home and the site of the future AJ Quartermaine Memorial Clinic. What says you? Let's go check out the basement. Check outside for another way in? Good thinking. No luck? I couldn't find a key, but I'm an expert at picking locks with old shoehorns. Watch and learn. What? Basements creep you out? I've almost got it. Rosalie, are you okay? Yeah, next time you might want to wear more sensible shoes for prowling around creepy old houses that are to be re-purposed as waterfront clinics.
LUKE-ALIKE: Johnny-boy, you let me down. Your goons couldn't get the drop on Jerome in the hoosegow and now I've got a liability with a giant mouth on him. Since when does Corinthos have Jerome's back. Are they involved in one of those sick, twisted prison bromances? Why are my employees so disloyal and incompetent? Why, why, WHYYYYYY? Now you're begging for another chance to screw me over. Hey cupcake! I was just catching up with Johnny-boy here, telling him he needs to behave himself if he wants to keep company with my gorgeous daughter. Gotta get that. Husbandly duty. Hello my darling. Michael almost went into the BASEMENT??? DAMMIT!!! CAN NO ONE DO THEIR JOB AROUND HERE? I'll take care of it. Sorry, cupcake. I'm gonna need to take a raincheck on the Father-Daughter lunch. The wife needs me.
SONNY: Shawn, we need to watch our backs, man. Johnny Zacharra's gunning for us. Us, being me and Julian Jerome. I saved Jerome's ass so he would tell me who his boss is and you'll never believe this. He's working for a guy who has LUKE SPENCER'S FACE, but he isn't Luke. The guy must have Luke stashed away and that's the best case scenario. My buddy could be dead. Find out who this impostor is, Shawn and take him out. For real this time. No three-hour conversations while waving a gun in his face, you hear? Jordan who? Nah, leave her out of it. I've learned the hard way that it's always risky to mix business with pleasure.
SHAWN: Hey, boss, want me to keep an eye on Johnny for you? I heard he sent some of his men after Jerome and you stuck your neck out to save him. What's up with that? Since when do you put your life on the line for Julian Jerome? He told you about his boss? Dude have a name? So a nameless guy walking around with Luke Spencer's face. That's a lot of information to go on. Hey, can Jordan help? I think she might be a better assassin than I am. Okay, no Jordan. I'll tail the Non-Luke with one eye and keep the other eye on Johnny Z.
ANNA: Jordan, this is important. Kyle Sloane is not to know you're working undercover. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him and we both know I weigh 90 lbs soaking wet. You need to stay undercover so we can rid Port Charles of the mob once and for all. Corinthos and Jerome are behind bars, but the criminal element is still alive and well in this town and I think Sloane and Lomax might be in on this. We are too close to give up now, Jordan. I have assigned two of my most trusted detectives to protect you. Detectives West and Falconeri are the best there is. If I can't bring down organized crime from the inside, I will have to do it from the outside but I need your help. Are you in?
JORDAN: Anna, I'm so done with being undercover. This job has consumed my life and cost me my relationship with TJ. If Agent Sloane doesn't know I'm undercover, how is he going to protect me? How can I work for you when you are no longer police commissioner? I am tired of having a target on my back, Anna. Are you telling me that West and Falconeri will be working with you behind Sloane's back?
SLOANE: Detective West, Detective Falconeri, let's lay our cards on the table, shall we? Where do your loyalties lie? With me or with Anna Devane? Very well, then. Answer me this. Who was Anna Devane's confidential informant? I know you boys know and you're just not telling me. WHO THE FRAGGIN' HELL IS THIS PERSON? I plan on raising this department to among the finest in the state, if not the whole country. Are you in or are you out? Psst, Detective West. Keep and eye on Falconeri. Something about him I don't trust.
NATHAN: We're here, Commissioner. Reporting for duty. Damn straight we want to keep our jobs. I have no problem reporting to you. (fingers crossed behind back). Confidential informant? Dante, do you know about Anna Devane having a C.I.? Neither do I. Excuse me. Girlfriend calling. Are you sure it's okay if I take this? Yes, Anna, we lied through our teeth to Sloane. My fingers were crossed behind my back the whole time. What is it, Commissioner? Yeah, sure, I'll babysit Dante for you.
DANTE: I don't have a problem with a regime change. I was here when Mac Scorpio was in charge, I stayed on when Anna Devane took over, and now I'm ready to work for you, Commissioner Sloane. You're asking the wrong guys, Commissioner. Knowing the identity of the C.I.s was above our pay grade. Anna Devane wasn't going to trust us lowly detectives with such sensitive information. We didn't even know about Faison's hidey-hole. (at the Haunted Star) Lulu? Johnny? Color me PISSED OFF!!!
LULU: Hi Daddy! Hi Johnny. Daddy, leave Johnny alone. He's a friend of mine. You know, he's just my really hot friend who just got out of jail for a crime he didn't commit. Say hi to Tracy for me. Johnny, are you saying you bought back the Haunted Star? Wait, hold up, WHAT DID DANTE SAY? He ORDERED you to stay away from me? Who does he think I am? ROCCO? What makes him think he can ORDER anyone to stay away from me? I am SO kicking him out of bed tonight.
JOHNNY: Sorry, man. How was I supposed to know Corinthos would throw in with Jerome? As far as I knew, they hated each other's guts. Give me another chance, boss man. Give me another crack at Jerome. Lulu! Great to see ya! Your dad was just giving me a hard time because I served hard time. He doesn't want ex-cons hanging around his sweet little girl, even if said ex-cons are INNOCENT. He ain't the only one who doesn't want me sharing air with ya. Your hubby and his cop buddy paid a visit to me the other day and said "Welcome Back to the outside world. Now stay the hell away from my wife." Forget I said that, Lulu. Me and my big fat yapper. I just want us to hang out like the old times. Don't look now, but the guy you're pissed at just walked onto this yacht.
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