Don't Shoot A Sexy Cop

The sex keeps on comin' for Maxie & Nathan.   Tracy spills the existence of Patricia to Lulu.   The Luke-Alike emerges from the basement with his pet "Louie" in hand.   Helena goes and rearranges Jake/Jason's brain again.  Julian fills Sonny in on Luke-Alike.  Carly & Sam argue for an entire episode.  

MAXIE:  I hope whoever shot you has to serve extra time for shooting a sexy cop.  By the way, Jake, the bartender is cute.  I don't think he's the one who took Sam and shot you.   Poor Sam, she misses Jason so much, even if she's about to hook up with Patrick, which is totally cool with me.   Are you jealous of the bartender, Nathan?   You shouldn't be because you're the only one I want to have sex with.  

NATHAN:  I kidnapped you for lunch break sex because I didn't want you staring at that bartender and talking about Johnny Zacharra.   So maybe I'm a little jealous, but I would kinda like you all to myself.   About that bartender, Sam seems to think he's the one who held her hostage and shot me.  Oh and he also helped Faison escape. 

TRACY:  So apparently you dad was upset with your aunt Bobbie and stormed out of here on New Year's Day before eating breakfast.  Bobbie brought up the past and Bill Eckert and That Other Sister.  When I asked Luke about it, he freaked.   What?  YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT PATRICIA???  I don't know much about her except that she exists and she's Luke and Bobbie's older sister.   How's Dante?   Now you listen to him and stay away from Johnny. 

LULU:   Wait a minute, Dad is upset with Aunt Bobbie?   What other sister?   Dad never told me about another sister.  Who is this Patricia?   Is she still out there somewhere?   I remember hearing about Bill Eckert, but that's about it.    Dante and Rocco and I are wonderful.   I ran into Johnny Zacharra here the other day.  Dante got kinda jealous.  

LUKE-ALIKE:  Look out, Puke!   Louie and I are fixin' to tee off on YOUR HEAD!   One!  Two!  Three!  Swing and a miss.  If only you had a mirror!   Your hair is standing on end like you've been sitting in an electric chair!    It's your sister BLABBIE whose brains I'm really after.   Smell ya later, Puke!   Louie and I have some work to do.  Who's Louie, you ask?  Why he's my pet baseball bat.  Louisville Slugger.   Louie for short.   Michael?  Barbara Jean?  What are you doing here?   You want to sell this place?   Shut up about Eckert, will ya?  

LUKE:  DERNT HERT MER YER BERSTERD!!!   LERT MER ERT ERF HER!!!  

BOBBIE:  Michael, you are NOT going down there to investigate.  No one goes down to investigate houses on Elm Street.   Does the name FREDDY KRUEGER mean anything to you????   He could be downstairs with JASON and I'm not talking about the ghost of Jason Morgan.   Luke?   What are YOU doing here with that baseball bat?   I thought you HATED thinking about the past.   So you've had a change of heart. 

MICHAEL:  Grandma, relax.  You've been watching too many horror movies.   Someone has to get Josslyn off Children of the Corn.   See, it was only Luke down there.   Luke, my grandmother and I were looking at this place for my waterfront clinic.   Sorry if you object and all, but you don't have any say in this.  This house belongs to one Bill Eckert.  Since Mr. Eckert is supposedly deceased, his son Sly gave me permission to check the place out.  

JAKE:  What are YOU doing here?   You're not Kevin Collins.  You're Helena Cassadine and you're BAD NEWS!   What the hell does "You're Active" mean?  Of course I'm active!  I don't sit around and watch TV all day.  I would say tending bar and shoveling snow qualifies me as active.   Are you suggesting I get a fitbit?   About Sam, she's accusing me of taking her hostage, shooting a cop, and helping Faison escape.   Please tell me I didn't do that.  I did?   I'm outta here until the REAL shrink shows up!   Not some psycho who wants to brainwash me.   By the way, I heard of this one guy who was brainwashed by waving some priceless diamond in front of his face.  If I'm being brainwashed, I want a damn DIAMOND!    Hey, Carly, you were right.  Dr. Collins said Sam planted those memories in me and I'm innocent. 

HELENA:  We meet again, my soldier!   Dr. Collins has been delayed.   I shoved him back in the supply closet with the rest of the unfortunates who only use this grand facility when they find it convenient.   You are active.   If you don't remember helping Faison escape, that is because you were conditioned to forget everything you had done while under the conditioning.   Of COURSE you were the one who took Samantha hostage and shot that unfortunate police officer.   And you did a SPLENDID job.   Samantha Morgan, however has become a problem for us.  She is involving herself in affairs that are none of her concern and she must be eliminated.  Therein lies your next assignment.  You will leave this office telling Samantha Morgan that Dr. Collins was successful in assuring you that you were not involved in her abduction.   You will forget that it was me with whom you were visiting. 

SAM:  Come on, Carly!  Did it ever occur to you that Jake could have taken me hostage, shot Nathan, and helped Faison escape on Helena Cassadine's orders?   While he's doing his "good honest work" shoveling snow and tending bar at the MetroCourt, he is moonlighting for my whackjob step-grandmother.   So he was starting to remember he did it?   All the more proof that he was the one.  You barely know the guy.   How can you be so sure he's innocent?  

CARLY:  Sam, now you're really reaching.  What the hell does Helena Cassadine have to do with Jake?   Have you deluded yourself into thinking HE'S doing her dirty work?   That's hilarious.   He's torturing himself over your accusations, Sam.  He's even having false memories.  The memories are false because YOU PUT THEM IN HIS HEAD!   Have you ever thought of taking up brainwashing, Sam?   You'd be pretty good at it.  

SONNY:  Hey Julian, I need a name of this supposed boss.   I don't have anything to go on if I don't know the guy's name.  He has Luke Spencer's face?   You mean like Faison with that mask?   So there's ANOTHER guy going around impersonating Luke?  Where the hell is THE REAL LUKE SPENCER???   He's a friend of mine, Jules.  If he's in danger, we need to do what I hate doing.  We need to call the cops.   HE WENT AFTER MICHAEL????  Okay, then the cops are out of the question.   We don't want to antagonize him into targeting my son again.   So what do we do? 

JULIAN:  I don't know the dude's name but I know he's a dead ringer for Luke Spencer and it ain't Cesar Faison in a rubber mask either.  That was just a decoy.  The impostor is still out there and he's connected.  He's in cahoots with Johnny Zacharra, Jerry Jacks, Cesar Faison, Helena Cassadine, The Bogeyman, Charles Manson, and maybe even Satan himself.   He is VERY BAD NEWS, Sonny and not only did he go after my son, he went after yours too.   You know that thug that showed up at Michael's place to plug him?   He was there on The Nameless Warlord's orders.  We can't call the cops or he'll just go after our families again.