The Scramble of Shame

Shirtless Julian!  Shirtless Nathan!   Identical Cousins! Crypt Baby gets a new name!   Scrambled eggs go flying!  

 NATHAN:  HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Let's have some more sex.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!   More sex.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!   Look, I cooked breakfast!  Never mind.  Sex >>>>Breakfast.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Breakfast, take 2.  Who needs breakfast when you can knock over a table having sex?  HAPPY NEW YEAR!   Leftover ribs and mac'n'cheese in bed it is!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 MAXIE:  You keep saying HAPPY NEW YEAR!   It's like you forgot you just said it two seconds ago.  You aren't losing your memory, are you?   Who cares?  I'd rather just keep having sex with you.  Nathan!  Where are you sexy-pants?   You made breakfast.  I'm hungry, but not for eggs.  I want YOU!   You made some more scrambled eggs?   I'm more in the mood for day-old mac'n'cheese.  AFTER we have sex again.  

LUKE-ALIKE:  Ha ha ha!  Ava's going to the Big House.   What are you talking about, Bobbie?   Too punctual to be your brother?  Who says I'm not turning over a new leaf?    Hey, quit trashing Bill Eckert!  He wasn't evil.   He was just...misunderstood.   Besides, he's dead.   Identical cousins only happen on 1960's TV sitcoms.   What gives, sister?  Did you recruit Ned and Natasha to the Trash Bill Eckert party?  I think I'll take my breakfast elsewhere!    (on the phone) We have a PROBLEM that needs to be ELIMINATED. 

BOBBIE:  You can't be my brother Luke Spencer.   The real Luke is still trussed up at the funny farm.  Luke is never this punctual.  Hey, do you remember our cousin Bill Eckert, the one who looked just like you.   Boy was he bad news!   You walked alike, you talked alike, but he was an abusive thug who denied his son fatherly love.   Come on, Luke, why so touchy about Bill Eckert?   Since when is he your dear departed or not-so-departed best friend?  

OLIVIA:  Oh, crap, what have I done!  I slept with Julian Jerome!   What the hell is wrong with me?  No, I didn't like it.  You know I was pretending you were Ned the whole freakin' time!   It was the only way I could LOWER myself to have sex with you.   Of course we run into Ned and Alexis the moment we open that door!   Ned, what I do and who I do it with is none of your beeswax!    I lost my shoe.  Talk about your twisted Cinderella tale.  I think I left it in this room.  Shut UP, Julian!   Where is the DAMN shoe?   The sooner I get out of here the better.   Here it is.  This is me, walking out of your life, Julian.   I have two shoes and I've LEFT the room!   And I run into Alexis again.   Sorry for all the awkwardness, Alexis.  I'm sorry if I hurt you by sleeping with the guy we both know you REALLY want to be with.  

JULIAN:  This is hilarious!  You slept with ME, Olivia, and you liked it!   I even made a list of all the things we did with each other last night.   For the record, I was pretending you were Alexis the whole time too, so THERE!   Hello, Ted, Alexis.  What do you care who I slept with, Alexis.  We're finished, remember?   Coming back for more, Olivia?   Oh, the missing shoe line.   Where have I heard that before?   This could be the start of something, Olivia.  

ALEXIS:  Julian, I see you kept yourself busy last night.   Ned, we'd better go eat breakfast before I lose my lunch.   Hello Luke, Bobbie.  Isn't Bill Eckert dead?   What's with Luke?   Are you really sorry about sleeping with Julian, Olivia?  

NED:  Olivia, what are you doing with this man?  Did he rape you?   If he did I will KILL him!   Long time, no see, Bobbie.   Sorry if we chased Luke away.  

MORGAN:  I don't know how Michael is, Dad, because he wrote me and Kiki off too.  He's disowned all of us and gone Quartermaine.   Mom?  She just told him that you won't let her see you.  By the way, the baby's yours.  Here's a picture of her.  Yeah, I kinda wanted her to be mine, but I'm not exactly dad material with no job and living with my mother, ya know?  

SONNY:  Morgan, how's Michael?   He disowned you too?   Dammit, Carly!  She did just what I told her NOT to do!   She was supposed to use this time to reconnect with Michael.  Give him time, Morgan.  He'll come around.   WE are his family, not the Quartermaines!   I have another daughter?   She's beautiful.  How's she doing?   It really is a shame I'll never get to see her.   I love you, son.  Well, look who the transport van dragged in.  We have a kid together.   But don't let that little fact get in the way of my avenging Connie's death.  

AVA:  Please, may I hold my baby?  Pretty please?   Oh, she is so beautiful, and she's getting so big!   It's like she's four month old already when I only had her two months ago.  At this rate, by the time I get out of prison, she will have grandchildren.  So she's Sonny's.   A child conceived in a crypt.   A name?   Well, since I lived under the threat of Sonny offing me once I gave birth, I didn't think about a name, but since this may be my only chance to give her a name, I'm going to call her Ava, Jr.--I mean, Avery.   She looks like an Avery, doesn't she?   Come on, Pentonville driver guy, I want to hold her some more.   I just NAMED her, for crying out loud!  Sonny, we have a child together.  You wouldn't hurt the mother of one of your children, would you? 

KIKI:  Officer, please let her hold her daughter.  She may never get to hold her again.   The baby is doing just fine.  Silas checked her out from head to toe.  By the way, the DNA test results came back.  She's Sonny's.   Kinda sucks.   We all wish she were Morgan's.   You know, this adorable little one needs a name.   We can't keep calling her Cutie or Princess or Crypt Baby.  Avery, that's cute.  She'll always know who her mother is.   Silas I'm worried.   Will Sonny hurt my mother in Pentonville? 

SILAS:  Officer, we'll make sure she doesn't leave the room.   The little girl is doing just fine, Ava, aside from signs of mild SORAS.   Oh, please don't name her Princess.  Kiki is bad enough.  Sorry Kiki, no offense, but if it were up to me you'd go by Lauren.