Helena's Gone Russian

  THE HAUNTED STAR

    NATHAN:  Jake Doe, you're under arrest for taking a hostage, aiding the escape of an international terrorist and shooting yours truly.  You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can and will be used against you.  
    JAKE:  Wait, I don't remember doing any of those things.
    NATHAN:  Tell it to the judge, pal. 
    MAXIE:  OMG, Nathan is arresting the hot bartender.  He IS the jealous type!
    LULU:  Where's Dante? 
    TRACY:  Where's Luke? 
    NATHAN:  Sorry Maxie.  Gonna have to miss this shindig on account of having to arrest this guy.  At least I took away your eye candy. 
     LULU:  You can say that again.  Nathan, where's Dante? 
     NATHAN:  Dunno.  He's not at the station. 

  PIER

   FLUKE:  What's with this getup, Helena?  Are we courting Vladimir Putin? 
   HELENA:  Am I the only one who knows it's January in upstate New York?   
   FLUKE:  So did your Soldier Boy-Toy do his homework?
   HELENA:  Such little faith you have.  Jake has fulfilled his obligation and he has planted a bomb aboard the Haunted Star.   All those people who irk you so will be completely annihilated tonight. 
   FLUKE:  Let's hope so.   I need to make a cameo at this hootenanny to make it all look legit.  Besides, Tracy's probably got her panties tied in a knot wondering where I am as we speak. 
   HELENA:  Make sure to get off that boat before it goes Clink BOOM!   I don't want to take my eye out popping the champagne cork. 
   FLUKE:  Nice to know you need me.   Don't worry.  I'll be off of that doomed vessel before it blows sky high.  

  TRANSFER VAN

  FRANCO:  I've gotta save Nina from my crazy mother. 
  AVA:  Pfft!   If Heather hacks Nina into a million pieces, the bitch deserved it.   She DRUGGED ME and STOLE MY BABY.  
  FRANCO:  You're one to talk, cold-blooded killer. 
  SONNY:  Will the two of you shut the hell up?   How's a guy supposed to plan his next move with you two chatterboxes flapping your gums the whole way? 
  AVA:  What are you gonna do if we don't shut up?   Kill me?   Like you tried to do with that guard in Pentonville?
  SONNY:  If I wanted that guard to kill you, you'd be dead already.   You were our ticket out of here.   That's not to say I still don't hate your guts. 
  JULIAN:  I TOLD you it wasn't Sonny. 
 
  SHADYBROOK

 HEATHER:  Nina, I've got a surprise for you! 
 NINA:  Thanks Diana!   You're so sweet! 
 HEATHER:  It's makeover day at the nuthouse! 
 NINA:  Oh Goody!  I love makeovers.  
 HEATHER:  By the way, my name is so not Diana Taylor.  She was the woman I sold my firstborn to.
  NINA:  You SOLD your KID?   Why?  
  HEATHER:  I needed the dough.   I regretted it though.  Until I sold my second kid, who became a famous artist. 
  NINA:  A famous artist?  
  HEATHER:  More like infamous.  My name is Heather Webber and I'm FRANCO'S MOTHER!   SURPRISE!!!!

   ELM STREET BASEMENT

 DANTE:  Must.  Wake.  Up.   Must.  Find.  Luke.  What's that sound?  

   HAUNTED STAR

  FLUKE:  You can hang up the phone Spanky.  I'm right here!
  TRACY:  Luke, you scared the crap out of me!   Where have you been?
  FLUKE:  Just hanging out at my old condemned residence, reminiscing about old times and saying good bye.
  BOBBIE:  Luke, you're here!
  FLUKE:  Put her there, Barbara Jean!  
  LULU:  Daddy!   I'm so glad you made it.  Have you seen Dante?
  FLUKE:  As a matter of fact, I saw him at the house.  He's still pissed about Johnny and was feeling passive-aggressive, so don't expect him at the party tonight.
  LULU:  Damn it, Dante!  
 
 PCPD

 CARLY:  Sam, I'm sorry I didn't believe Jake was a masked hitman. 
 SAM:  And he stole my PHOENIX too!
 CARLY:  Your WHAT?
 SAM:  My figurine that Jason gave me.  Jake broke in while Patrick and I were having sex and STOLE IT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER ME!
 CARLY:  Whatever.  I found a gun and mask in his Official Assassin Duffel Bag when he collapsed on the docks and was taken to the hospital.
 SAM:  He has an Official Assassin Duffel Bag?  Well that seals the deal!   Jake is bad, bad news!
 JAKE:  You turned me in, Carly?  
 CARLY: You lied to me about seeing Kevin Collins.  I talked to him and as far as he's concerned, you don't exist.   He thinks Jake is all in my head.  
 JAKE:  What do you mean?  I told you I went to see him that day you and Sam were at the Nurse's Station.  Do you think I went into his office and just stared at the wall? 
 CARLY:  I don't know what to think, Jake, but when you lie to me about seeing a shrink and make a fool out of me, that's reason to call the cops. 

 PIER

 HELENA:  Nikolas, just where do you think you're going?  
 NIKOLAS:  Why are you addressing me in public?  You know our unholy alliance has to stay on the down low. 
 IVY:  Who is this lady?  
 HELENA:  I'm a friend of the Cassadine Family. 
 NIKOLAS:  Yeah, that's it. 
 HELENA:  I must speak with you, ALONE! 
 IVY:  Don't mind me.  I'll just go to the party without you.  Maybe I'll run into Kyle Sloane there. 
 NIKOLAS:  What's the big deal?   I'm on a date here. 
 HELENA:  Spending a quiet evening at Wyndemere with this Emily doppelganger?  
 NIKOLAS:  No, we are going to a party on the Haunted Star. 
 HELENA:  NYET!  
 NIKOLAS:  What was that?   Speak English, grandmother. 
 HELENA:  Like hell you're going to that party!    Gentlemen, please see to it that my overly social grandson remains safe and grounded at Wyndemere.  

  HAUNTED STAR

  JOHNNY:  Hey Lulu!  Why so glum? 
  LULU:  Dad told me Dante is not coming to the party because of you. 
  JOHNNY:  You could use some liquid refreshment.   What happened to that bartender?  
  LULU:  Arrested.   Can you believe it? 
  MICHAEL:  Thank you, Sabrina, for agreeing to work at my clinic.  
  SABRINA:  Thank you for giving me a job after I got fired from GH for trying to kill Ava Jerome's baby. 
  MICHAEL:  I tried to kill the guy who I used to call Dad so we're even. 

  TRANSFER VAN

  SONNY:  We need to warn Michael and Lucas that Luke's impostor is after them. 
  JULIAN:  Good idea. partner. 
  SONNY:  I could call Michael, but I've been there, done that, and he won't listen to me.  How about you call Lucas?  
  JULIAN:  Will do.   Hey Lucas?  It's Dad.
  LUCAS:  Hey Dad.  What's up? 
  JULIAN:  Where are you?
  LUCAS:  I'm at a party. 
  JULIAN:  Is Luke Spencer at this party? 
  LUCAS:  Yeah, why? 
  JULIAN:  Get...there...dangerous...Michael...
  LUCAS:   You're breaking up, Dad.  What did you say? 
  JULIAN:  Lucas...hear...me?
  LUCAS:  Dad? 
  JULIAN:  Crap.  The phone just died.  

  HAUNTED STAR

  MICHAEL:  What's up, Lucas? 
  LUCAS:  I was talking to my dad.  He sounded really worried but I lost the connection. 
  MICHAEL:  Wonder that that was about. 


 PCPD

  COP:  Problem with the Pentonville transfer of Madeline Reeves.  Four inmates hijacked the van. 
  NATHAN:  Say WHAT?  Who were they? 
  COP:  Ava Jerome, Franco, Julian Jerome and Sonny Corinthos. 

 TRANSFER VAN

 JULIAN:  Someone is following us
 SONNY:  CRAP!   Is it the cops? 
 JULIAN:  I don't think so.  I think it's Bill Eckert. 
 SONNY:  LOOK OUT!!!  Car crashes

 ELM STREET BASMENT

 DANTE:  Lulu...called...Luke?  Luke, can you hear me?   HOLY CRAP!   A ZOMBIE!!!!  
 BOMB:  Tick tock tick tock tick tock

 HAUNTED STAR: 
BOMB:  Tick tock tick tock tick tock. 

 PCPD

 JAKE:  I know you won't believe me but I don't remember taking you hostage.
 SAM:  It's not about that.  WHY DID YOU TAKE MY PHOENIX?????