It may not have been on stage (because that would have been REALLY tacky!) but the ol' commode made an appearance Day 2 of the Nurses' Ball all the same...
BALLROOM
NED: Don't I look like Elton?
EMMA: Don't I look very cute?
NED: Don't fall off the piano!
EMMA: I love to sparkle and shine!
NED: I'm still around. Don't forget I'm in town. E-ven though NOBODY KNOWS IT!
EMMA: When were you la-st on?
NED: I think it was when my mom had brain worms.
NED: I'm a Quartermaine!
EMMA: And I'm a Scorpio-Drake!
NED & EMMA: Get your checkbooks out now!
LUCY: What they said! Isn't Emma the CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN?
FELIX: Hey Brad, your other half is missing. Where's Lucas?
BRAD: Don't sweat it. He's off doing Lucas things.
BACKSTAGE
EPIPHANY: What the HAYULL is goin' on in there? (opens bathroom door)
DR. OBRECHT: ERNTER MER NER! ER NERD TER PERFERM MER NERMBER. ZER SERND ERF MERSERK!
EPIPHANY: Hmmm, do I really want to take the gag outta this woman's mouth?
DR. OBRECHT: DERNT JERST STERND ZERE! GERT ZERS GERG ERTA MER MERF! EPIPHANY: (reluctantly removes gag) Don't make me regret this.
DR. OBRECHT: Now get me off zis verflucht toilet and find my handpuppets AT ONCE!
EPIPHANY: Do you mean to say the queen wants to be dethroned? As for the puppets, do you remember one Mr. Marbles?
BALLROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Commish, about that time I was shot...
JORDAN: Really? You're going to make me WORK at the friggin' NURSES' BALL? Get lost!
FELIX: Hey Brad, your other half is missing. Where's Lucas?
BRAD: Don't sweat it. He's off doing Lucas things.
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: OMG, Mom? Isn't the floor kind of a rough place to take a nap?
BOBBIE: Lucas? Where are we? Why am I dressed as a nurse? OMG,
this is the Nurses' Ball! Why is backstage spinning like the mirror
ball at the Campus Disco?
LUCAS: Yeah, we better get you to the hospital and trade that nurse's getup for a gown and slippery socks.
BOBBIE: Remember how you're supposed to get married in 5 minutes?
CARLY: Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the cheapest slut of all.
AVA: Cute, Carly, real cute. Too bad your nursery rhymes will be lost on Avery because tomorrow morning, she's MINE!
CARLY: I don't think so. Watch it and weep, Jerome!
VIDEO CLIP
AVA: Smack me good, Paul, smack me REAL GOOD!
PAUL: 50 Shades of Sexy Paintings, baby! You know artwork has eyes.
AVA: Don't I know it! Artwork tells no lies. It lays it all out for everyone to see!
PAUL: What exactly do you mean by that, sugarlips?
BACKSTAGE
AVA: You know I recorded that on purpose, didn't you? You never know
when you're gonna need a sex tape to spice things up.
CARLY: Wait until Kiki sees it. Wait 'till it goes VIRAL!
BALLROOM
LUCY: As if one cute kiddo on stage at the Nurses' Ball weren't enough, here is Jake Webber! JAKE: Need. Franco. NOW!
LIZ: You can do it, Jakey!
FRANCO: Quackity quack, don't talk back!
JAKE: Quack quack baby!
FRANCO: You quack me up!
JAKE: Life is like a hurricane, here in Duckburg!
FRANCO: Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes, it's a duck blur!
JAKE: Might solve a mystery
FRANCO: Or rewrite history!
JAKE & FRANCO: Ducktales! Woo-oo!
BACKSTAGE
JAKE: Franco, you were the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME!
FRANCO: And you were AWESOMER than the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME!
LIZ: Go Jakey! Go Jakey! Go go go Jakey!
JAKE: Dad, wasn't Franco hilarious?
JASON: That's one way of putting it, son.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: I need some help here. The opening number took a lot outta my mom and she passed out.
DR. FINN: I can check her for brain worms. They're my specialty. That and bearded dragons.
DR. OBRECHT: Be afraid, Bobbie Spencer. Be verrrry afraid of Doctah Finish Zem Off.
OUTSIDE BALLROOM
PAUL: We have a problem, young lady.
AVA: Oh really? Whatever do you mean, Mister District Attorney?
PAUL: I'll put his to you simply: You're Carly's bitch, Miss Jerome.
BALLROOM
LUCY: Are 'yall ready for this? It's Magic Milo time!!!
MAGIC MILO: Lucas has been replaced by a priest. This should be fun.
GRIFFIN: Money for AIDS research, Griffin. Money for AIDS research.
CURTIS: Nobody tells Curtis Ashford to shut up. NO-BO-DY!
FELIX: Man that new priest is lookin' hotter than Hades!
DILLON: Last year I was all about a Lulu. Now I'm into a Kiki. How does this keep happening?
WOMENFOLK AND BRAD: WOOT WOOT! SEXY SEXY!
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: Good news, Nurse Spencer. You don't have brain worms. Bad news: Your head is spinning 'round and 'round like a record. You remember those, right? Records ? Anyway, you might need an exorcist. I'll see if I can scare one up.
LUCAS: This dude's a little nuts, but he knows what he's doing, Mom. He extracted thousands of worms from Tracy Quartermaine's brain. Looks like I'm gonna have to put the ol' kibosh on the Nurses' Ball nuptials.
BOBBIE: You will do NO SUCH THING, LUCAS JONES! Marry Brad already, before he finds another secret wife!
BACKSTAGE
AVA: Gimme your phone, CAR-LY! NOW!
CARLY: You never know when you might need a sex tape to spice things up. How do you like your little packet of sriracha now, A-VA? By the way, I still have the flash drive.
AVA: WHADDAYAWANT FROM ME?
CARLY: Hello? She's a year and a half old and calls my hubby DADDY!
AVA: And she calls ME mommy!
CARLY: Want the flash drive? You're gonna have to fight me for it and with my catfighting track record...good luck with that.
AVA: (grabs flash drive from Carly while she's gloating and flushes it down the toilet) Let it go! Let it go! Put it in and flush it down! I don't care what you're going to say.
CARLY: It is on the cloud! Diaper changing never bothered me anyway.
OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM
DIANE: Sorry to have to do this to you during THE social event of the year, but you're being served.
JASON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT??? Sorry to have to say this, Sam, but your cousin's a rat bastard.
NIKOLAS: I said BEHAVE YOURSELF or I'll send you to time out. What part of "Don't kibitz with the cops" do you not understand?
CURTIS: Sexy Bodyguard to the rescue. Hands off the Haychel, Princey-Prince!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Surprise! Brad Cooper and Lucas Jones are getting HITCHED right here at the 2016 Nurses' Ball. Should I start humming "Here Come The Grooms" yet?
BRAD: I'm here. That makes one of us.
HOSPITAL
UNCONSCIOUS LUCAS: Told you I shouldn't have seen Brad before the ceremony. The superstition is real, people. It's real!
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Nurses' Ball 2016 Day 1: Mic Drop
Because a little Nina with a microphone on the Nurses' Ball Red Carpet is a dangerous thing...
METROCOURT ROOM
EMMA: Is it time for us to pretend to watch the Nurses' Ball yet, Mommy?
ROBIN: Just about. Too bad Daddy is stuck in Genoa City pretending to be some guy named Billy. Oh well, I had to miss the Nurses' Ball last year because I was AGAIN being held captive by Cassdines, so I guess this year it's his turn.
RED CARPET
DONNIE SHELDON: Joining us on the Red Carpet this year, for some reason, is Editor-In-Chief of Crimson magazine, Nina Reeves.
NINA: Hi camera! It's me, Nina. I'm on the red carpet. Look, it's AH-na Devane, the ex-commish who's now a criminal! Tell me, AH-na, is orange the new black?
ANNA: It's ANNA, dammit. ANNA!!!
NINA: That went well.
BACKSTAGE
AMY: I'm SUPER psyched to be onstage this year. Like O to the MG, I'm going to be star of the show. Remember when The Britch showed up ON STAGE at the Nurses' Ball, PREGGERS??? And IT WASN'T EVEN HER BABY!! And LAST YEAR, Ric Lansing proposed to Elizabeth and CARLY outed him for hiring Hayden Barnes--I mean RACHEL BERLIN to be Jake Doe's--I mean JASON MORGAN'S fake wife!
LIZ: OMG, my ears are bleeding! Please make it stop and give that girl a muzz--kerPLUNK!
FRANCO: I'll save you, Elizabeth, because I'M YOUR HERO!
LIZ: You are?
METROCOURT
CARLY: I mean it, Obrecht! No opening number shenanigans this year or I'll have you forcibly removed from the stage.
DR. OBRECHT: How predictable do you sink I am, Mrs. Corinsos? Seizing control of ze opening number is, as you Americans say, SO last year.
CARLY: AND the year before.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
KIKI: What's the service hedgehog still doing here?
AVA: Hello! He's intercepting dead birds. Why else would I let him saw a log cabin on my couch every night?
SCOTT: Is that a way to treat your service lawyer hedgehog dead bird wrangling date for this shindig?
AVA: Considering last year at this time even I thought I was dead, attending the social event of the year with a snoring hedgehog is a step up.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is Prince Nikolas Cassadine...
NINA: And RACHEL BERLIN! You know, daughter of the Raymond that EVERYBODY HATES! So, where's your SECRET STASH of Daddy's cash?
HAYCHEL: Go to hell.
NIKOLAS: Now that's not very Cassadine Royalty of you, Haychel. Smile and say you're sorry. I'll have you know, Donnie, that my wife has PLENTY of secret stashes. Of what, nobody knows!
BAR AT METROCOURT
ANDRE: They say "Physician heal thyself". I hope that applies to shrinks because, Jordan, I have a bad case of lovin' you.
JORDAN: As long as it's just me and not Anna too. Two's company, Andre. Three's a crowd.
ANDRE: But Three IS Company. Come and knock on our door. We've been waiting for you...
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: Why is Brad here, Mom. That's bad luck. Now something bad WILL happen.
BRAD: What could happen? You accidentally marry Felix instead? By the way, please don't do that.
LUCAS: Do what?
BRAD: Marry Felix by mistake.
FELIX: I ain't NOBODY'S mistake. Chill out, boys! It's your wedding day. Be happy! Be gay!
LUCAS & BRAD: We'll pretend we didn't hear that.
HOSPITAL
MAXIE: Griffin, you need to release Nathan NOW because it's the Nurses' Ball and I can't fly solo on the red carpet.
GRIFFIN: Sorry, no can do. Head injury and all.
MAXIE: Fine, then YOU be my date.
GRIFFIN: I'm a priest. Priests don't date.
MAXIE: Fine, be my ESCORT.
GRIFFIN: That's even worse! (checks phone and sees text from Emma). On second thought, what the hey?
RED CARPET
NINA: Kiki Zherome, don't you look lovely tonight.
KIKI: Thanks. This is super awkward, sharing a date with my MOM!
NINA: By mom, she means Homewrecker Extraordinaire Ava Zherome who slept with MY LATE EX HUBBY SILAS.
AVA: Someone put a gag order on that woman! Prepare to hand Avery over, CARLY!
CARLY: We'll see about that. I'm about to take a little field trip.
NINA: Look, here's my AMAZEBALLS assistant Maxie Jones with a man who isn't my brother!
MAXIE: That's because your brother is still recovering from being hit in the head with a rock thrown by Carrrrrrrrlos and I'm standing with the man who's keeping him in the hospital to heal his wounds. Oh, and he's also a priest, so Nathan has no reason to be jelly.
BALLROOM
EMMA: Grandma Anna!
ANNA: Emma? Am I seeing things again? I'm I still in the freezer on the docks? Is Duke going to pop out of that curtain next? How come I'm not freezing my arse off?
EMMA: Grandma Anna, you said the British word for ---
ROBIN: O-kay, Emma, now can you tell me where this Griffin guy is? Hi Mom. Sorry I'm not Duke. I have been in some hallucinations lately, though. Just ask Jason.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is former mob hitman who, rumor has it, is just now remembering ALL of his past and here's his ex-wife Sam. So, are you the happiest divorced couple EVER or what?
SAM: Have you seen my parents?
JASON: I remember the Nurses' Ball. It's all coming back to me now. Every single number. I'm starting to wonder if my brain can hold all this information I'm remembering.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
CARLY: It's time to play detective. Now if I were a flash drive with a murder confession on it, where would I hide? Sock drawer? Bra drawer? Cocktail shaker? BINGO! You're going DOWN, Ava Jerome. Carly C does it again! Crap, is that the door? No, I guess it isn't. Time to get back to the ball and bring Ava to her KNEES!
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is the woman who inspired the "Sorry Your House Exploded" t-shirts at the Sad Robe Store, Elizabeth Webber and on her arm is serial killer-turned art therapist, the one-named Franco! What an odd pairing these two.
NINA: I'll say.
LIZ: Holy CRAP I'm wearing the same dress as HAYCHEL!
MAXIE: You SO wore it better, but yeah, I'll find you something else.
NINA: Twinsies!
HAYCHEL: Could this infernal Nurses' Ball GET any worse?
NIKOLAS: You're going DOWN, Jason Morgan. NOBODY sics the IRS on a Cassadine. Do you KNOW who I share DNA with?
ROBIN: Oh NOES! Two of my best friends hate each other's guts. What am I gonna DO? Whose side am I on?
BALLROOM
EMMA: Griffin, you're WAY too cute to be a priest.
GRIFFIN: God doesn't think so. He called me and I answered. But that doesn't mean I can't play Cowboys and Neurosurgeons with you, kiddo.
BACKSTAGE
CARLY: Where's the murder confession? What the---OMG! This is even BETTER! Carly Corinthos's Nurses' Ball Whistleblowing Streak is about to claim another victim!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Let the 2016 Nurses' Ball BEGIN!
GH STAFF: NURSES! We not gonna do that same old song from '14 and '15, that'd just be wrong. We're bringin' on the new which means we're rappin' 'cuz the old song made everybody start nappin'. NURSES! We're name droppin' GH history 'cuz we got a motormouth newbie tryin' to create buzz.
AMY: Amy Driscoll's my name. Port Chuckles gossip's my game. I'm finally on stage because stage crew's just lame. The writers named me after Amy Vining. People say I'm obnoxious, but they're just whining.
EPIPHANY: I'm Nurse Johnson and Magic Milo's my man. I always got my wits when the sh(*% hits the fan. I don't take no crap from the Mad Teutonic. She really needs to work on her English phonics.
ANDRE: I'm the sexy shrink who makes women drool. Jordan is a cop who likes to play by the rules. Sometimes my heart feels divided and it drives me insane 'cuz I have myself a crush on Anna Devane.
FELIX: Felix DuBois knows a thing or two about how to turn Brad Cooper into a better dude. Now he's marrying Lucas and I'm his best man. Lucy Coe will do the honors like only she can.
BRAD: I'm Brad Cooper and I run the GH lab. Your blood gets sent to me after you get a jab. I used to be a sleazeball and I used to have a wife. I divorced Rosalie and I'm about to change my life.
BOBBIE: I'm Bobbie Spencer and I guess I'm still a nurse. I started feeling funny and now I feel worse. When this number is over and they say that's a wrap I'm gonna go backstage and have myself a nap!
EVERYONE: NURSES!
METROCOURT BROOM CLOSET
DR. OBRECHT (tied up and gagged) ERDERVERSS! ERDERVERSS! ERVER MERNERN ER GRERT YER! SMER ERN WHERT, CLERN ERN BRERT, YERL BER HERPER TER MERT MER!
BACKSTAGE
BOBBIE: I was so not kidding when I said I needed a nap. Now if only I could find a so--(collapses)
METROCOURT ROOM
EMMA: Is it time for us to pretend to watch the Nurses' Ball yet, Mommy?
ROBIN: Just about. Too bad Daddy is stuck in Genoa City pretending to be some guy named Billy. Oh well, I had to miss the Nurses' Ball last year because I was AGAIN being held captive by Cassdines, so I guess this year it's his turn.
RED CARPET
DONNIE SHELDON: Joining us on the Red Carpet this year, for some reason, is Editor-In-Chief of Crimson magazine, Nina Reeves.
NINA: Hi camera! It's me, Nina. I'm on the red carpet. Look, it's AH-na Devane, the ex-commish who's now a criminal! Tell me, AH-na, is orange the new black?
ANNA: It's ANNA, dammit. ANNA!!!
NINA: That went well.
BACKSTAGE
AMY: I'm SUPER psyched to be onstage this year. Like O to the MG, I'm going to be star of the show. Remember when The Britch showed up ON STAGE at the Nurses' Ball, PREGGERS??? And IT WASN'T EVEN HER BABY!! And LAST YEAR, Ric Lansing proposed to Elizabeth and CARLY outed him for hiring Hayden Barnes--I mean RACHEL BERLIN to be Jake Doe's--I mean JASON MORGAN'S fake wife!
LIZ: OMG, my ears are bleeding! Please make it stop and give that girl a muzz--kerPLUNK!
FRANCO: I'll save you, Elizabeth, because I'M YOUR HERO!
LIZ: You are?
METROCOURT
CARLY: I mean it, Obrecht! No opening number shenanigans this year or I'll have you forcibly removed from the stage.
DR. OBRECHT: How predictable do you sink I am, Mrs. Corinsos? Seizing control of ze opening number is, as you Americans say, SO last year.
CARLY: AND the year before.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
KIKI: What's the service hedgehog still doing here?
AVA: Hello! He's intercepting dead birds. Why else would I let him saw a log cabin on my couch every night?
SCOTT: Is that a way to treat your service lawyer hedgehog dead bird wrangling date for this shindig?
AVA: Considering last year at this time even I thought I was dead, attending the social event of the year with a snoring hedgehog is a step up.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is Prince Nikolas Cassadine...
NINA: And RACHEL BERLIN! You know, daughter of the Raymond that EVERYBODY HATES! So, where's your SECRET STASH of Daddy's cash?
HAYCHEL: Go to hell.
NIKOLAS: Now that's not very Cassadine Royalty of you, Haychel. Smile and say you're sorry. I'll have you know, Donnie, that my wife has PLENTY of secret stashes. Of what, nobody knows!
BAR AT METROCOURT
ANDRE: They say "Physician heal thyself". I hope that applies to shrinks because, Jordan, I have a bad case of lovin' you.
JORDAN: As long as it's just me and not Anna too. Two's company, Andre. Three's a crowd.
ANDRE: But Three IS Company. Come and knock on our door. We've been waiting for you...
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: Why is Brad here, Mom. That's bad luck. Now something bad WILL happen.
BRAD: What could happen? You accidentally marry Felix instead? By the way, please don't do that.
LUCAS: Do what?
BRAD: Marry Felix by mistake.
FELIX: I ain't NOBODY'S mistake. Chill out, boys! It's your wedding day. Be happy! Be gay!
LUCAS & BRAD: We'll pretend we didn't hear that.
HOSPITAL
MAXIE: Griffin, you need to release Nathan NOW because it's the Nurses' Ball and I can't fly solo on the red carpet.
GRIFFIN: Sorry, no can do. Head injury and all.
MAXIE: Fine, then YOU be my date.
GRIFFIN: I'm a priest. Priests don't date.
MAXIE: Fine, be my ESCORT.
GRIFFIN: That's even worse! (checks phone and sees text from Emma). On second thought, what the hey?
RED CARPET
NINA: Kiki Zherome, don't you look lovely tonight.
KIKI: Thanks. This is super awkward, sharing a date with my MOM!
NINA: By mom, she means Homewrecker Extraordinaire Ava Zherome who slept with MY LATE EX HUBBY SILAS.
AVA: Someone put a gag order on that woman! Prepare to hand Avery over, CARLY!
CARLY: We'll see about that. I'm about to take a little field trip.
NINA: Look, here's my AMAZEBALLS assistant Maxie Jones with a man who isn't my brother!
MAXIE: That's because your brother is still recovering from being hit in the head with a rock thrown by Carrrrrrrrlos and I'm standing with the man who's keeping him in the hospital to heal his wounds. Oh, and he's also a priest, so Nathan has no reason to be jelly.
BALLROOM
EMMA: Grandma Anna!
ANNA: Emma? Am I seeing things again? I'm I still in the freezer on the docks? Is Duke going to pop out of that curtain next? How come I'm not freezing my arse off?
EMMA: Grandma Anna, you said the British word for ---
ROBIN: O-kay, Emma, now can you tell me where this Griffin guy is? Hi Mom. Sorry I'm not Duke. I have been in some hallucinations lately, though. Just ask Jason.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is former mob hitman who, rumor has it, is just now remembering ALL of his past and here's his ex-wife Sam. So, are you the happiest divorced couple EVER or what?
SAM: Have you seen my parents?
JASON: I remember the Nurses' Ball. It's all coming back to me now. Every single number. I'm starting to wonder if my brain can hold all this information I'm remembering.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
CARLY: It's time to play detective. Now if I were a flash drive with a murder confession on it, where would I hide? Sock drawer? Bra drawer? Cocktail shaker? BINGO! You're going DOWN, Ava Jerome. Carly C does it again! Crap, is that the door? No, I guess it isn't. Time to get back to the ball and bring Ava to her KNEES!
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is the woman who inspired the "Sorry Your House Exploded" t-shirts at the Sad Robe Store, Elizabeth Webber and on her arm is serial killer-turned art therapist, the one-named Franco! What an odd pairing these two.
NINA: I'll say.
LIZ: Holy CRAP I'm wearing the same dress as HAYCHEL!
MAXIE: You SO wore it better, but yeah, I'll find you something else.
NINA: Twinsies!
HAYCHEL: Could this infernal Nurses' Ball GET any worse?
NIKOLAS: You're going DOWN, Jason Morgan. NOBODY sics the IRS on a Cassadine. Do you KNOW who I share DNA with?
ROBIN: Oh NOES! Two of my best friends hate each other's guts. What am I gonna DO? Whose side am I on?
BALLROOM
EMMA: Griffin, you're WAY too cute to be a priest.
GRIFFIN: God doesn't think so. He called me and I answered. But that doesn't mean I can't play Cowboys and Neurosurgeons with you, kiddo.
BACKSTAGE
CARLY: Where's the murder confession? What the---OMG! This is even BETTER! Carly Corinthos's Nurses' Ball Whistleblowing Streak is about to claim another victim!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Let the 2016 Nurses' Ball BEGIN!
GH STAFF: NURSES! We not gonna do that same old song from '14 and '15, that'd just be wrong. We're bringin' on the new which means we're rappin' 'cuz the old song made everybody start nappin'. NURSES! We're name droppin' GH history 'cuz we got a motormouth newbie tryin' to create buzz.
AMY: Amy Driscoll's my name. Port Chuckles gossip's my game. I'm finally on stage because stage crew's just lame. The writers named me after Amy Vining. People say I'm obnoxious, but they're just whining.
EPIPHANY: I'm Nurse Johnson and Magic Milo's my man. I always got my wits when the sh(*% hits the fan. I don't take no crap from the Mad Teutonic. She really needs to work on her English phonics.
ANDRE: I'm the sexy shrink who makes women drool. Jordan is a cop who likes to play by the rules. Sometimes my heart feels divided and it drives me insane 'cuz I have myself a crush on Anna Devane.
FELIX: Felix DuBois knows a thing or two about how to turn Brad Cooper into a better dude. Now he's marrying Lucas and I'm his best man. Lucy Coe will do the honors like only she can.
BRAD: I'm Brad Cooper and I run the GH lab. Your blood gets sent to me after you get a jab. I used to be a sleazeball and I used to have a wife. I divorced Rosalie and I'm about to change my life.
BOBBIE: I'm Bobbie Spencer and I guess I'm still a nurse. I started feeling funny and now I feel worse. When this number is over and they say that's a wrap I'm gonna go backstage and have myself a nap!
EVERYONE: NURSES!
METROCOURT BROOM CLOSET
DR. OBRECHT (tied up and gagged) ERDERVERSS! ERDERVERSS! ERVER MERNERN ER GRERT YER! SMER ERN WHERT, CLERN ERN BRERT, YERL BER HERPER TER MERT MER!
BACKSTAGE
BOBBIE: I was so not kidding when I said I needed a nap. Now if only I could find a so--(collapses)
Monday, May 23, 2016
Look At The DIIIIIIIIAMONDS!
Liz catching Nikolas picking up Haychel's diiiiiiiiamonds made today a blogworthy show. Also, I love the Nurses' Ball, so you may see a few more blogs this week. Without further ado...
METROCOURT
BOBBIE: Look who's back in town for the Nurses' Ball! ME! Or did I never really leave town? The writers' broom closet is really close quarters. Oh, hi niece!
VALERIE: Hi aunt! I agree, the broom closet does get pretty crowded. And here I thought I was off studying at cop school. At least Lulu isn't trying to sic her fugitive friends on me, so there's that. Where's my sorta boyfriend Curtis? Is he hanging out with that Haychel chick again? By the way, I miss my mom.
FELIX: Hey, dayplayers on ladders, put some pep in your step. Nurses' Ball is TOMORROW! It's not like we didn't know this for MONTHS IN ADVANCE. Hop to!
BRAD: Take a chill pill, Felix! The Nurses' Ball is going to be extra awesome this year because Lucas and I are gettin' ourselves hitched!
FELIX: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: Doctah Finn, consider yourself on notice. You aah undah investigation.
DR. FINN: What for? Were you not at the meeting with the new Chief of Staff? Dr. Q says I'm clean as a whistle. You can stick your German Inquisition where the sun don't shine.
DR. OBRECHT: I vouldn't be so cavalier if I vere you, doctah Finn. I have been looking into your vork in zat city called Minneapolis in ze interest of putting togezzer a Doctah Finn Body Count.
DR. FINN: Yeah, good luck with that. You might just find out that some people die of old age. You're getting on in years yourself, Dr. O. Maybe you should be getting your affairs in order.
DR. OBRECHT: Aah you sreatening me, Doctah Finn? I vill continue my investigation and I vill see zat you aah srown in the SCHLAMMER!
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Look at the DIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS! That must be A ZILLION CARATS strewn across this floor! And you said you were broke.
NIKOLAS: You didn't see the diamonds, Liz. Begone! NOW!
LIZ: Overreact much, Nikolas? OMG, are these HAYCHEL'S DAD'S DIAMONDS????
NIKOLAS: What? You expect me to be living above the local greasy spoon and serving up BLTs at Kelly's? I have my standards, Liz.
LIZ: But those are BLOOD DIAMONDS, Nikolas! Haychel's dad got them from Ponzi-ing a bunch of poor, unsuspecting people! I can't unsee this!
NIKOLAS: Yes you can and you will. Cassadine orders.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: Sorry cuz, but you gots to DIE!
SABRINA: Noooo, Marrrrrrrrrrcos! Don't kill me! I have a baaaaaaaaybeeeeeee!
MARCOS: Your mistake, gettin' involved with Sonny Corrrrrrrintos's kid.
SABRINA: But he BROKE UP WITH ME! I hid Carrrrrrrrrrlos from him and made him believe my baaaaaaaaybeeeeeeee was his!
MARCOS: Um...don't care. I gotta cover my ass, even if it means killing my cuz.
MICHAEL: SABS! (Jumps Marcos and gets his gun)
SONNY: Easy, boy. Kick the gun over to me. It always looks more badass when I've got one in each hand .
SABRINA: Michael, you saved my life! MY HERO!
SONNY: Get a room! Might I suggest my private jet? Just finish up by the time I get back from dealing with this random goon.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
JULIAN: Check this out, good wife. I have a little something something for you to make up for the whole murdering Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos with your evil step granny's dagger. You like? It's full of diiiiiiiiiiamonds!
ALEXIS: I don't like your face anymore.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAT? Is that an accusation, Alexis? I don't like accusations. Accusations make me VERY CRANKY! (cell phone rings) Whaddaya want? Oh, hi son I almost forgot I had.
LUCAS: (over the phone) Hey dad, get to GH ASAP.
JULIAN: Are you bleeding?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Is your leg falling off?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: I'm kinda in the middle of yelling at my wife. Can this wait?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Fine, I'll be there and you'd better be in one piece.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: I come in peace, man.
SONNY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Prepare to DIE! Just kidding. I need you alive to help me send Julian Jerome to Pumpkinville. Get it? Pumpkinville? Orange jumpsuits? Where's your sense of humor, man?
MARCOS: I don't know no Julian Jerome. Is he in the NBA? Is he on Game of Thrones? Is he running for President?
SONNY: Does the name Carrrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrriverrrrrrra ring a bell?
MARCOS: Well, DUH! Carrrrrrrrrrrlos is my compadre. We go back a long way. He didn't say nothin' about this Julian Jerome guy.
SONNY: You know what, Marrrrrrrrrcos? I'm not gonna kill ya. I'll let the fellas in cellblock D do the honors. Orange really is your color.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Gimme my DIIIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS BACK!
NIKOLAS: NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN.
HAYCHEL: Dem's FIGHTIN' WORDS! (Jumps Nikolas and they end up on the floor) Hey, you wanna have some Petit Mort?
NIKOLAS: You disgust me! By the way, you're going to pretend to be my loving wife tomorrow at the Nurses' Ball. Cassadine Orders. You know what those mean, don't you, Haychel?
HAYCHEL: Two words: Orange Jumpsuit.
SONNY'S PLANE
SABRINA: OMG OMG OMG! Marrrrrrrrcos could have killed me and I might never have seen my baaaaaaaybeeeeee again! Sorry I lied about Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Michael.
MICHAEL: Aw, Sabs, I'm sorry I ditched you and drove you to run away with the guy! Why didn't you TELL me that life on the run with a fugitive was getting under your skin?
SABRINA: Because...because he shot your dad and you guys hated his guts and I had all the guilt feels about making you believe you were the baby daddy and I knew I wouldn't last five minutes in lockup and...
MICHAEL: Hey, I get it, I get it. You know Carrrrrrrrrlos is dead for real this time, right?
SABRINA: Come on, Michael, this is Port Chuckles! No one dies for real in this town!
METROCOURT
CURTIS: Hey girlfriend! Nice moves.
VALERIE: So you decided to show up after all. How come I don't get to see you practice stripping?
CURTIS: Because Lucy Coe has us rehearse in an undisclosed location. No spoilers, girl! Not even for you.
VALERIE: How about for Haychel?
CURTIS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
VALERIE: Ha ha! Just kidding!
HOSPITAL
HAYCHEL: Dr. Finn. Here's 10 grand. Does that make me slightly less of a bitch to you?
DR. FINN: Um, NO!
HAYCHEL: Well, I tried. At least you'll never run out of lizard food.
DR. FINN: Roxy's a BEARDED DRAGON, you idiot!
LIZ: Dr. Finn, are you going to pass out?
DR. FINN: NONEOFYADAMNBIZNESS!
LIZ: That went well...
JULIAN: So, Lucas, what's the big emergency?
LUCAS: I'm getting married at the Nurses' Ball tomorrow and a need a best man. Are you in, Dad?
JULIAN: Um, NO!
LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? I thought you were totally down with my gay marriage. You told me you voted for Bernie Sanders in the primary.
JULIAN: I've totally gone progressive, son. I'm feeling the Bern real good. Trouble is, I just offed Carrrrrrrrrrlos and stuff's a little crazy right now. You understand, don't you? A Jerome's gotta do what a Jerome's gotta do.
ALEXIS & JULIANS' HOUSE
ALEXIS: Diane, will you help me pick my self-respect off the floor?
DIANE: I can try. Is it about your mobster hubby and the Carrrrrrrlos thing?
ALEXIS: I knew he was a mobster when I married him but HE SAID HE'D CHANGED!
DIANE: This is going to be harder than I'd thought. Do you have any actual factual evidence that can get him sent up the river?
ALEXIS: Well...
JULIAN: You didn't tell me we had company. Are you conspiring with Diane to accuse me of more stuff I actually did but won't admit to doing?
METROCOURT
BRAD: Hey Felix, a little favor to ask. This is really last minute, but I kinda need a best man for my wedding tomorrow. Interested?
FELIX: You're right, it's totes last minute and feels like a sad consolation prize...but what the hey? It's not like I won't be looking FAB-U-LOSO for the Ball already, so you've got yourself a best man.
LUCAS: Sweet. Thanks, Felix. My dad turned me down because "stuff got complicated" so my sister's going to step in and be my best person. This is going to be THE BEST NURSES' BALL EVER!
METROCOURT
BOBBIE: Look who's back in town for the Nurses' Ball! ME! Or did I never really leave town? The writers' broom closet is really close quarters. Oh, hi niece!
VALERIE: Hi aunt! I agree, the broom closet does get pretty crowded. And here I thought I was off studying at cop school. At least Lulu isn't trying to sic her fugitive friends on me, so there's that. Where's my sorta boyfriend Curtis? Is he hanging out with that Haychel chick again? By the way, I miss my mom.
FELIX: Hey, dayplayers on ladders, put some pep in your step. Nurses' Ball is TOMORROW! It's not like we didn't know this for MONTHS IN ADVANCE. Hop to!
BRAD: Take a chill pill, Felix! The Nurses' Ball is going to be extra awesome this year because Lucas and I are gettin' ourselves hitched!
FELIX: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: Doctah Finn, consider yourself on notice. You aah undah investigation.
DR. FINN: What for? Were you not at the meeting with the new Chief of Staff? Dr. Q says I'm clean as a whistle. You can stick your German Inquisition where the sun don't shine.
DR. OBRECHT: I vouldn't be so cavalier if I vere you, doctah Finn. I have been looking into your vork in zat city called Minneapolis in ze interest of putting togezzer a Doctah Finn Body Count.
DR. FINN: Yeah, good luck with that. You might just find out that some people die of old age. You're getting on in years yourself, Dr. O. Maybe you should be getting your affairs in order.
DR. OBRECHT: Aah you sreatening me, Doctah Finn? I vill continue my investigation and I vill see zat you aah srown in the SCHLAMMER!
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Look at the DIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS! That must be A ZILLION CARATS strewn across this floor! And you said you were broke.
NIKOLAS: You didn't see the diamonds, Liz. Begone! NOW!
LIZ: Overreact much, Nikolas? OMG, are these HAYCHEL'S DAD'S DIAMONDS????
NIKOLAS: What? You expect me to be living above the local greasy spoon and serving up BLTs at Kelly's? I have my standards, Liz.
LIZ: But those are BLOOD DIAMONDS, Nikolas! Haychel's dad got them from Ponzi-ing a bunch of poor, unsuspecting people! I can't unsee this!
NIKOLAS: Yes you can and you will. Cassadine orders.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: Sorry cuz, but you gots to DIE!
SABRINA: Noooo, Marrrrrrrrrrcos! Don't kill me! I have a baaaaaaaaybeeeeeee!
MARCOS: Your mistake, gettin' involved with Sonny Corrrrrrrintos's kid.
SABRINA: But he BROKE UP WITH ME! I hid Carrrrrrrrrrlos from him and made him believe my baaaaaaaaybeeeeeeee was his!
MARCOS: Um...don't care. I gotta cover my ass, even if it means killing my cuz.
MICHAEL: SABS! (Jumps Marcos and gets his gun)
SONNY: Easy, boy. Kick the gun over to me. It always looks more badass when I've got one in each hand .
SABRINA: Michael, you saved my life! MY HERO!
SONNY: Get a room! Might I suggest my private jet? Just finish up by the time I get back from dealing with this random goon.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
JULIAN: Check this out, good wife. I have a little something something for you to make up for the whole murdering Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos with your evil step granny's dagger. You like? It's full of diiiiiiiiiiamonds!
ALEXIS: I don't like your face anymore.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAT? Is that an accusation, Alexis? I don't like accusations. Accusations make me VERY CRANKY! (cell phone rings) Whaddaya want? Oh, hi son I almost forgot I had.
LUCAS: (over the phone) Hey dad, get to GH ASAP.
JULIAN: Are you bleeding?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Is your leg falling off?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: I'm kinda in the middle of yelling at my wife. Can this wait?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Fine, I'll be there and you'd better be in one piece.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: I come in peace, man.
SONNY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Prepare to DIE! Just kidding. I need you alive to help me send Julian Jerome to Pumpkinville. Get it? Pumpkinville? Orange jumpsuits? Where's your sense of humor, man?
MARCOS: I don't know no Julian Jerome. Is he in the NBA? Is he on Game of Thrones? Is he running for President?
SONNY: Does the name Carrrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrriverrrrrrra ring a bell?
MARCOS: Well, DUH! Carrrrrrrrrrrlos is my compadre. We go back a long way. He didn't say nothin' about this Julian Jerome guy.
SONNY: You know what, Marrrrrrrrrcos? I'm not gonna kill ya. I'll let the fellas in cellblock D do the honors. Orange really is your color.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Gimme my DIIIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS BACK!
NIKOLAS: NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN.
HAYCHEL: Dem's FIGHTIN' WORDS! (Jumps Nikolas and they end up on the floor) Hey, you wanna have some Petit Mort?
NIKOLAS: You disgust me! By the way, you're going to pretend to be my loving wife tomorrow at the Nurses' Ball. Cassadine Orders. You know what those mean, don't you, Haychel?
HAYCHEL: Two words: Orange Jumpsuit.
SONNY'S PLANE
SABRINA: OMG OMG OMG! Marrrrrrrrcos could have killed me and I might never have seen my baaaaaaaybeeeeee again! Sorry I lied about Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Michael.
MICHAEL: Aw, Sabs, I'm sorry I ditched you and drove you to run away with the guy! Why didn't you TELL me that life on the run with a fugitive was getting under your skin?
SABRINA: Because...because he shot your dad and you guys hated his guts and I had all the guilt feels about making you believe you were the baby daddy and I knew I wouldn't last five minutes in lockup and...
MICHAEL: Hey, I get it, I get it. You know Carrrrrrrrrlos is dead for real this time, right?
SABRINA: Come on, Michael, this is Port Chuckles! No one dies for real in this town!
METROCOURT
CURTIS: Hey girlfriend! Nice moves.
VALERIE: So you decided to show up after all. How come I don't get to see you practice stripping?
CURTIS: Because Lucy Coe has us rehearse in an undisclosed location. No spoilers, girl! Not even for you.
VALERIE: How about for Haychel?
CURTIS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
VALERIE: Ha ha! Just kidding!
HOSPITAL
HAYCHEL: Dr. Finn. Here's 10 grand. Does that make me slightly less of a bitch to you?
DR. FINN: Um, NO!
HAYCHEL: Well, I tried. At least you'll never run out of lizard food.
DR. FINN: Roxy's a BEARDED DRAGON, you idiot!
LIZ: Dr. Finn, are you going to pass out?
DR. FINN: NONEOFYADAMNBIZNESS!
LIZ: That went well...
JULIAN: So, Lucas, what's the big emergency?
LUCAS: I'm getting married at the Nurses' Ball tomorrow and a need a best man. Are you in, Dad?
JULIAN: Um, NO!
LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? I thought you were totally down with my gay marriage. You told me you voted for Bernie Sanders in the primary.
JULIAN: I've totally gone progressive, son. I'm feeling the Bern real good. Trouble is, I just offed Carrrrrrrrrrlos and stuff's a little crazy right now. You understand, don't you? A Jerome's gotta do what a Jerome's gotta do.
ALEXIS & JULIANS' HOUSE
ALEXIS: Diane, will you help me pick my self-respect off the floor?
DIANE: I can try. Is it about your mobster hubby and the Carrrrrrrlos thing?
ALEXIS: I knew he was a mobster when I married him but HE SAID HE'D CHANGED!
DIANE: This is going to be harder than I'd thought. Do you have any actual factual evidence that can get him sent up the river?
ALEXIS: Well...
JULIAN: You didn't tell me we had company. Are you conspiring with Diane to accuse me of more stuff I actually did but won't admit to doing?
METROCOURT
BRAD: Hey Felix, a little favor to ask. This is really last minute, but I kinda need a best man for my wedding tomorrow. Interested?
FELIX: You're right, it's totes last minute and feels like a sad consolation prize...but what the hey? It's not like I won't be looking FAB-U-LOSO for the Ball already, so you've got yourself a best man.
LUCAS: Sweet. Thanks, Felix. My dad turned me down because "stuff got complicated" so my sister's going to step in and be my best person. This is going to be THE BEST NURSES' BALL EVER!
Monday, May 9, 2016
The Jason Show that was All About Jason
I'm back, albeit on a "recurring" basis. In other words, when I see a show I feel like blogging, I'll blog it. Today's show was a standalone staring Jason Jake Quartermaine Morgan Doe Morgan as himself. When Carrrrrrrrrrrlos was making a run for it, the PCPD transfer van crashed into a dude on a motorcycle. Who could that POSSIBLY BE? What a TRULY BAFFLING turn of events! But hey, whatever puts HELLZ-BELLZ on my screen works for me!
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD ALONG RTE 9 (because Rte 31 was closed for construction)
JASON: ANOTHER ACCIDENT??? This is getting ridiculous, people! Who ran me down this time? A giant honkin' COP VAN! Can anyone give cops a ticket for reckless driving or do they have to do it themselves? Hey, anyone alive in there???
GHOST OF RANDOM COP WHO WAS DRIVING VAN: Um, not me. Thanks for cutting off my raging lunatic prisoner, PUNK!
JASON: Oooookay, he's dead. Any other mangled bodies around here, dead or alive?
UNCONSCIOUS DANTE: Is it just me or am I being pinned down by a giant honkin' prisoner transfer van?
HALLUCI-ROBIN: You can SAVE, Dante, Jason. You can do it! Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPER JASON, hero hitman with a conscience!
MYSTERIOUS BLUE ROOM IN Q MANSION
SAM: Should I tuck Danny in, chat up my ex-nephew-in-law, or wring my hands worrying about the whereabouts of my ex-hubby Jason?
MICHAEL: I vote for option B. Hey, if it's any comfort, I'm wringing my hands worrying about the whereabouts of my ex-girlfriend, so I can totes relate.
SAM: For that matter, where is Danny? I haven't seen him since he was, like, four.
MICHAEL: Yeah, he's grown so much and the baby teeth count is down by at least five or six.
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
JASON: Dante, buddy, the bad news is that you're trapped under this prison van. The good news is that Robin says I'm Super Jason and I can get you out of here if I put my mind to it. The other bad news is that I have a headache that Excedrin can't touch.
HALLUCI-ROBIN: You'll figure it out, Jason, and you'll save Dante. Go Jason! Go Jason! Go go go Jason!
JASON: So, it I just move the dead guy out of the driver's seat and put the van in neutral...
HALLUCI-CARLY: Good luck with that. One wrong move and Dante turns into Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump.
JASON: So now I'm hallucinating Carly. Who's next? Elizabeth? God forbid, Franco???
HALLUCI-CARLY: Forget about those losers! I'M here! Your BESTIE!
JASON: Then why have you been spending so much time with that weird doctor and his pet lizard?
HALLUCI-CARLY: It's a service lizard. No, make that a service bearded dragon. Why Jasey-jase, are you JEALOUS?
MYSTERIOUS BLUE Q ROOM
SAM: I miss the old Jason, but I feel guilty about it because Jason-Minus-Memories is a really nice guy as long as he's not in the same room with my pompous cousin or Franco.
MICHAEL: Wanna start a We Hate Nikolas and Franco club?
SAM: Thanks but no thanks. I'm too busy worrying about my mom and mourning the loss of her principles, yet feeling like a hypocrite for doing so.
MICHAEL: Well, Julian's an asshat, but he IS your dad. I can relate. There was a time I thought my dad was an asshat for killing my bio-dad, who, for a long time I thought HE was the biggest asshat of all. My dad and I are tight again, but I'm still divided between my Quartermaine self and my Corinthos self. We could totally be doing shots right now, but I'm still having stroller tipping flashbacks.
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
JASON: If I can't drive the van, maybe I can use my superhuman strength to lift it. Who am I kidding? I need a jack.
HALLUCI-HELENA: What? Were you expecting a grease monkey to hand you a jack? Such laziness is most unbecoming of my solider boy.
JASON: I should have known. Get lost you diabolical deadly-yet-actually dead diva! Nice legs, by the way.
HALLUCI-HELENA: Rumors of my demise HAVE been exaggerated in the past. Let that be a warning to you, Soldier Boy.
JASON: I saw you die Hellz-A-Bellz. Ergo, you are most certainly dead.
HALLUCI-HELENA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So physically skilled, yet so unfortunately gullible. Do you believe EVERYTHING you see on Cassadine Island?
JASON: Speaking of Cassadine Island, what in the name of the Sad Robe Store did you do to my son Jake? Even FRANCO is freaked out by the kid and that's truly disturbing.
HALLUCI-HELENA: I can assure you, Mister Morgan, that I have NEVER worn a sad robe.
JASON: Do you have any mysterious Cassadine pain relief potions on you by any chance? It feels like Satan is driving nails into my headspace.
HALLUCI-HELENA: That is your mind resisting The Conditioning.
JASON: Dr. Drake removed my "conditioning". I should know. I had a maxi pad stuck on my forehead for two months. Then it was downgraded to a pantiliner.
HALLUCI-HELENA: I am nothing if not thorough. Who's to say there isn't more where that came from?
MYSTERIOUS BLUE Q ROOM
SAM: Maybe we'd all be better of if Daddy Julian was in the clink. Wait, wasn't that what my mom said about Jason?
MICHAEL: But Jason was a GOOD mobster who only killed BAD mobsters. Just like my dad.
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
HALLUCI-SAM: Jason, don't listen to that curse-spewing maybe-dead Maleficent. You can save Dante and you can be whatever Jason you want to be.
HALLUCI-HELENA: (rolls eyes) Oh, the TEDIUM!
JASON: I must have a fever of 250 right now. My head is about to explode! MAKE IT STOP!
HALLUCI-HELENA: Rockabye Jason, lay your head down. Your memories, nowhere to be found. Go to sleep now, it will ease the pain. When you wake up, nothing will remain.
JASON: Sam, you gotta let me know. Should I stay or should I go?
HALLUCI-SONNY: Why don't you stay-ay-ay! Just a little bit longer!
JASON: I really am hallucinating now. Sonny's SINGING! Is this some sort of twisted musical based on my life? Is this the Nurses' Ball? I'M SOOOOOO CONFUUUUUSED!
HALLUCI-SONNY: Oooh, you make me live! Oh, you're my best friend!
JASON: Queen now. Okay. What's next, Sonny? Bohemian Rhapsody? Can you do the Fandango?
HALLUCI-SONNY: I see your true colors shining through! I see your true colors, and that's why I love you.
JASON: Simon says, stop singing and help me rescue your kid. I'll use this Rte 9 sign as a lever and you drag Dante out from under that big honkin' prison van, 'kay?
HALLUCI-SONNY: When you're lost and alone and you're sinking like a stone--
JASON: Dude, you're killing me.
HALLUCI-SONNY: Carry on!
MYSTERY BLUE Q ROOM
DANNY: Bad news, Mom. Annabelle 2.0 peed in Scary Aunt Tracy's closet.
SAM: Holy SORAS, what's in the water in this ginormous mansion? How old ARE you now, Danny?
DANNY: Duh, Mom! I'm six. Or maybe seven. Isn't it weird how I got older and my brother Jake got younger? We're practically the same age now.
SAM: It's less weird than you might think, kiddo. We live in a very strange town.
DANNY: At least I'm not too old for my mom to sing me a lullaby.
SAM: Um...Lullaby, and good night...and that's the only part I remember...
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
JASON: Ooof! Ugh! GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
RTE 9 SIGN: Here ya go, man.
JASON: Hey Dante, good news. No Lieutenant Dan legs for you. You're welcome.
PRISON VAN: KABOOM!
JASON: ...And THAT happened...
ALL OF JASON'S HALLUCINATIONS: Nothing really matters. Anyone can see. Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters. To me. Anywhere the wind blooooooows!
JASON: I could really use some morphine right now...
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Taking Some Time Off
I know I've been cutting some corners lately on this blog and now I'm telling you I'm taking some time away from blogging. The show is dragging and besides repeated jokes about brain worms, Carrrrrrrrlos and service lizards, there's just not a lot to work with lately. I'm having a minor (nothing to worry about!) medical procedure tomorrow so now's as good a time as any to put the hilarity on hold. I'm not sure yet when I'll be back and when I do come back it may not be for every episode. Thank you to those who follow and read this blog. Your loyalty is greatly appreciated.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Haychel Goes Rogue (and So Does Sonny!)
Haychel has good news and bad news for the back-to-her-old-snarky-self Tracy, still recovering from brain surgery. She also has hubby Nikolas over a barrel. Paul breaks free of his captivity in time to thwart Anna's capture of Carlos. Jason has a plan to put Nikolas in his place. Nathan tries to shut down Maxie's questions about Claudette.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Gimme my phone. I need to yell at a certain bitch who owes me my family's company.
NED: Hello, mother? You just had an extremely complicated radical wormectomy. Are you sure you should be putting the health of your cerebrum at risk? Besides, what happened to the kinder, gentler Tracy who just declared her love to Monica?
TRACY: Ever heard of anesthesia, Ned? Whatever I said to Monica never happened because I was still under the sauce.
NED: You need your rest, mother.
TRACY: I just woke up from a friggin NAP, Ned. If you aren't going to fork over the phone, at least text Haychel that she needs to haul ass to this room with ELQ in her hands or the world will know just where Rachel Berlin is hiding out.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Here's the deal, dear hubby: You sign ELQ over to moi or you get sent to the hoosegow.
NIKOLAS: What happened to our oh-so-romantic loveless marriage cease-fire?
HAYCHEL: Sleeping with knives is too Cassadine even for me. Sign or haul ass to prison.
NIKOLAS: Like HELL I'm signing my fortune over to Raymond BerMadoff's daughter.
HAYCHEL: Poor little Spencer, raised by his self-righteous granny and having to talk to his daddy on the prison phone. Gotta go! There's a certain so-called associate fresh out of brain surgery who I need to troll.
MAXIE'S BEDROOM
MAXIE: Sex with you is amazing. Why that tramp Claudette would cheat on a hot cop like you...I just don't get it. Are you still feeling the emotional scars from her screwing you over?
NATHAN: You sure know how to kill a mood, Maxie.
SONNY'S PLANE
ANNA: Full disclosure: I shot Carrrrrrrrrrrlos in the chest four times. Too bad he was wearing a bulletproof vest.
SONNY: You tried, Anna. No one can fault you for lack of effort.
ANNA: I could go to prison for this if we catch Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos and have him rat out Julian, but it will be SOOOOO worth it to avenge Duke's death.
SONNY: Isn't there a little thing called justifiable homicide?
ANNA'S HOUSE
PAUL: DERM IT ERNA! (takes duct tape off his mouth) How nice of you to leave me one hand free. Note the sarcasm dripping in my voice. If this was some sort of sex game, it would help if you actually showed up. If you're trying to stop me from stopping you from going after Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, you know better than to leave me with a free hand to reach for your mail and find a paper clip to unlock my cuff. There's a price to pay for messing with Paul Hornsby.
JASON'S APARTMENT
JASON: I have unfinished business with your cousin Nikky.
SAM: What, you're going to go over there and finish the job? Think of Danny, Jason. You can even think of Jake too.
JASON: I'm not going to snap his royal assholish neck, if that's what you're worried about. There are better ways to deal with pompous princes whose grandmothers implant mind control chips in my brain.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Tracy, did the good doctors remove all the worms from your brain. By the way, EEEEEEEEWWWW!
TRACY: Shut up, Haychel, and show me ELQ.
HAYCHEL: I have a better idea. Inside this box you will find two most important pieces of my husband's male anatomy.
TRACY: I sure hope you're speaking figuratively, because now it's my turn to say EEEEEEWWWW!
HAYCHEL: Nikolas is signing over ELQ as we speak.
TRACY: Hallelujah!
HAYCHEL: Don't get too excited, worm lady. ELQ is mine and I'm not just giving it away.
TRACY: Have you forgotten the terms of our arrangement, HAYCHEL BARNLIN?
HAYCHEL: It's too late, Tracy. The cat's out of the bag, so to speak. I have nothing to lose and you just got Berlin'd.
SONNY'S PLANE
AUTHORITIES: Anna Devane, consider yourself screwed. A certain wronged party at your Port Chuckles residence has informed me of your lawless shenanigans at his expense and we have a warrant out for your arrest.
ANNA: Stupid F$#%^&ING PAUL HORNSBY! (to self) I should have chloroformed him THRICE)
SONNY: Sorry, Anna, but I gotta go. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos must be found and I have a Costco butterly net to put to use.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Mother, I'm completely and utterly screwed! Haychel knows I tried to have her plugged and I either sign my fortune over to her or suit up in those plebeian prison blues.
LAURA: If Haychel turns you in, she might as well turn Elizabeth and I too. Honey, we're all screwed.
NIKOLAS: I'm such a bad son. Such a bad, bad son. I'm sorry, mother.
LAURA: On the upside, you did save Lulu when she was a dark-haired toddler, so it all evens out in the end.
QUITO, ECUADOR
SONNY: Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, I'm comin' for ya and I've got a net. It's really too bad my new pal Anna couldn't come along and plug you another four times in the chest after recording your admission that Julian was behind the hit on Duke.
CARRRRRRRRRLOS: Not if I plug you fiiiiiiiirst!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Gimme my phone. I need to yell at a certain bitch who owes me my family's company.
NED: Hello, mother? You just had an extremely complicated radical wormectomy. Are you sure you should be putting the health of your cerebrum at risk? Besides, what happened to the kinder, gentler Tracy who just declared her love to Monica?
TRACY: Ever heard of anesthesia, Ned? Whatever I said to Monica never happened because I was still under the sauce.
NED: You need your rest, mother.
TRACY: I just woke up from a friggin NAP, Ned. If you aren't going to fork over the phone, at least text Haychel that she needs to haul ass to this room with ELQ in her hands or the world will know just where Rachel Berlin is hiding out.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Here's the deal, dear hubby: You sign ELQ over to moi or you get sent to the hoosegow.
NIKOLAS: What happened to our oh-so-romantic loveless marriage cease-fire?
HAYCHEL: Sleeping with knives is too Cassadine even for me. Sign or haul ass to prison.
NIKOLAS: Like HELL I'm signing my fortune over to Raymond BerMadoff's daughter.
HAYCHEL: Poor little Spencer, raised by his self-righteous granny and having to talk to his daddy on the prison phone. Gotta go! There's a certain so-called associate fresh out of brain surgery who I need to troll.
MAXIE'S BEDROOM
MAXIE: Sex with you is amazing. Why that tramp Claudette would cheat on a hot cop like you...I just don't get it. Are you still feeling the emotional scars from her screwing you over?
NATHAN: You sure know how to kill a mood, Maxie.
SONNY'S PLANE
ANNA: Full disclosure: I shot Carrrrrrrrrrrlos in the chest four times. Too bad he was wearing a bulletproof vest.
SONNY: You tried, Anna. No one can fault you for lack of effort.
ANNA: I could go to prison for this if we catch Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos and have him rat out Julian, but it will be SOOOOO worth it to avenge Duke's death.
SONNY: Isn't there a little thing called justifiable homicide?
ANNA'S HOUSE
PAUL: DERM IT ERNA! (takes duct tape off his mouth) How nice of you to leave me one hand free. Note the sarcasm dripping in my voice. If this was some sort of sex game, it would help if you actually showed up. If you're trying to stop me from stopping you from going after Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, you know better than to leave me with a free hand to reach for your mail and find a paper clip to unlock my cuff. There's a price to pay for messing with Paul Hornsby.
JASON'S APARTMENT
JASON: I have unfinished business with your cousin Nikky.
SAM: What, you're going to go over there and finish the job? Think of Danny, Jason. You can even think of Jake too.
JASON: I'm not going to snap his royal assholish neck, if that's what you're worried about. There are better ways to deal with pompous princes whose grandmothers implant mind control chips in my brain.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Tracy, did the good doctors remove all the worms from your brain. By the way, EEEEEEEEWWWW!
TRACY: Shut up, Haychel, and show me ELQ.
HAYCHEL: I have a better idea. Inside this box you will find two most important pieces of my husband's male anatomy.
TRACY: I sure hope you're speaking figuratively, because now it's my turn to say EEEEEEWWWW!
HAYCHEL: Nikolas is signing over ELQ as we speak.
TRACY: Hallelujah!
HAYCHEL: Don't get too excited, worm lady. ELQ is mine and I'm not just giving it away.
TRACY: Have you forgotten the terms of our arrangement, HAYCHEL BARNLIN?
HAYCHEL: It's too late, Tracy. The cat's out of the bag, so to speak. I have nothing to lose and you just got Berlin'd.
SONNY'S PLANE
AUTHORITIES: Anna Devane, consider yourself screwed. A certain wronged party at your Port Chuckles residence has informed me of your lawless shenanigans at his expense and we have a warrant out for your arrest.
ANNA: Stupid F$#%^&ING PAUL HORNSBY! (to self) I should have chloroformed him THRICE)
SONNY: Sorry, Anna, but I gotta go. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos must be found and I have a Costco butterly net to put to use.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Mother, I'm completely and utterly screwed! Haychel knows I tried to have her plugged and I either sign my fortune over to her or suit up in those plebeian prison blues.
LAURA: If Haychel turns you in, she might as well turn Elizabeth and I too. Honey, we're all screwed.
NIKOLAS: I'm such a bad son. Such a bad, bad son. I'm sorry, mother.
LAURA: On the upside, you did save Lulu when she was a dark-haired toddler, so it all evens out in the end.
QUITO, ECUADOR
SONNY: Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, I'm comin' for ya and I've got a net. It's really too bad my new pal Anna couldn't come along and plug you another four times in the chest after recording your admission that Julian was behind the hit on Duke.
CARRRRRRRRRLOS: Not if I plug you fiiiiiiiirst!
Friday, April 8, 2016
A Kinder, Gentler Tracy
Tracy is all smiles when she wakes up from brain surgery. Is it the anesthesia or is it the lack of brain worms? Jason is not successful in preventing Sonny from chasing Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. Andre suspects something is off with Anna. Dr. Finn behaves strangely after assisting Griffin in de-worming Tracy's brain. Nina gets some bad news about her fertility from Dr. Lee and rejects Franco's attempts to comfort her.
HOSPITAL
DILLON: How did Mom's surgery go? Did you get all the worms out of her brain?
GRIFFIN: The good news: The surgery was a success and your mother's brain has been de-wormed. The bad news: She hasn't come out from under the sauce yet.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: If you don't wake up in 5 seconds, Tracy, I'm going to sic my service lizard on you!
TRACY: (COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA)
DR. FINN: Come on, Tracy! Wake the hell up and snark at me already!
TRACY: (COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA)
DR. FINN: This is the thanks I get from helping Dr. Munro de-worm your brain. Wake the hell up or I'll start singin'!
NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Rock me, Franco, like a wagon wheel! Rock me Franco anyway you feel. Heeeeey, Franco rock me!
FRANCO: Sure, why not? Can I rock you like the wind and rain or a southbound train?
NINA & FRANCO: (SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX)
CASA CORINTHOS
MICHAEL: You going Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos hunting? I wanna come with.
SONNY: Sure. If Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos doesn't shoot me, your mother will. No, you stay and look after the womenfolk and the kiddies. Go visit your brother in the House of Psychiatric Healing, password-protect the door to Avery's room, eat corn dogs with Josslyn, and find out what Kristina's not telling me.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANDRE: Just thought I'd stop by for a friendly chat with a former-slash-current patient. How've your moods been, Anna? Where is your state of mind vis a vis Carrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrrriverrrrrrra?
ANNA: This is a really bad time. I've got a private jet to catch.
ANDRE: I'll only be few minutes. Can I come in? I've gotta pee like you won't believe!
ANNA: You really don't want to go in there. Emma's got the service lizard pox and it's highly contagious.
JASON'S APARTMENT
CARLY: Come on, Jason! You're the Sonny Whisperer! If anyone can tell him to stay in The Chuckles it's you.
JASON: Seeing that the alternative is for Sam and I to continue the marathon convo about the state of our relationship, this will be a change of pace.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: How's Ms. Quartermaine, Dr. Finn? Is she out from under the sauce?
DR. FINN: She's awake and she's freakishly NICE.
DILLON: PHEW!!! Wait, she's NICE? What else did you do to her brain besides get all the worms out?
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Monica, have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? You fill my heart with gladness. Take away all my sadness. You ease my troubles, Monica, that's what you do.
MONICA: Um...well, thank you, Tracy. Someone must have changed the playlist in your brain because the way I remember it, the line went, "You CAUSE my troubles, that's what you do."
DILLON: Congrats on being de-wormed, Mom!
TRACY: Aren't you the sweetest thing I've ever seen? Where's that darling Dr. Finn? I should like to send him some flowers.
MICHAEL: Hi Aunt Tracy. Sorry I've been too distracted with my ex and her kid and my bipolar brother to help you get back ELQ.
TRACY: You mustn't worry so, child! ELQ will sort itself out.
CASA CORINTHOS
JASON: Carly told me to stop you from chasing Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos and getting yourself killed.
SONNY: It's something I gotta do, Jason. This Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos business is eating a hole in my soul, man. I need to bring him to justice or I won't be able to look myself in the mirror and call myself Sonny Corinthos. Great to see you, though. You were the best goon I ever had, you know that? You saved my life even when you didn't remember BEING my best goon.
JASON: I did what any good amnesiac former Corinthos goon would do.
JASON'S APARTMENT
CARLY: I hope Jason can talk some sense into Sonny and he'll drop this Carrrrrrrrrrrlos thing and let Anna handle it. I can't lose Sonny, Sam.
SAM: I feel ya, Carly. I can't lose Jason either, even if his danger lovin' side kinda lights my fire. I tell you, he tried to kill my cousin right in front of me and we had THE BEST SEX!
CARLY: You are good people, Sam, because you don't try to domesticate Jason. You let Jason be Jason.
SAM: Jason's still trying to figure out who Jason is, or whether or not he's the same Jason he used to be.
HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM
DR. FINN: Need. Drugs. Now.
GRIFFIN: Nice going, doc! Wanna grab a beer?
DR. FINN: We are SO not in a bromance, kid.
GRIFFIN: But you me and God, we rocked that wormectomy, didn't we?
DR. FINN: God doesn't have a medical degree, pretty boy.
GRIFFIN: Ooooookay, I get that not everyone believes God is their co-pilot, but if you ever need some good old atheist chit-chat, I'm good for that too.
NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Let's have some more sex so I can get knocked up.
FRANCO: Are we having memory problems here? I thought I told you about 5,000 times that I didn't want any little mini-mes populating the universe.
NINA: I TOTALLY thought you were kidding! Come on, let's have a BAY-BEE!
NINA: Dr. Lee told me I can't have a BAY-BEE!
FRANCO: (to himself) Now THAT'S how you spell relief. Sorry Rolaids. (to Nina) I'm so sorry Neens. I know you really wanted to propagate our wackadoo DNA. Do you want some comfort sex?
NINA: GO TO HELL, FRANCO-NINA BABY HATER!
HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM
DR. FINN: Do your job, service syringe! Pump some of that amazing straw-color Chardonnay with notes of crisp apples softened by coconut and vanilla in a creamy finish into me!
SONNY'S PRIVATE JET
ANNA: Sorry I'm late. Had a D.A. to chloroform. TWICE.
SONNY: Let's get this done, Anna. I brought a REALLY BIG NET I found at the Port Chuckles Costco. I think Carrrrrrrrrrrlos should fit into it just fine.
HOSPITAL
DILLON: How did Mom's surgery go? Did you get all the worms out of her brain?
GRIFFIN: The good news: The surgery was a success and your mother's brain has been de-wormed. The bad news: She hasn't come out from under the sauce yet.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: If you don't wake up in 5 seconds, Tracy, I'm going to sic my service lizard on you!
TRACY: (COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA)
DR. FINN: Come on, Tracy! Wake the hell up and snark at me already!
TRACY: (COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA)
DR. FINN: This is the thanks I get from helping Dr. Munro de-worm your brain. Wake the hell up or I'll start singin'!
NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Rock me, Franco, like a wagon wheel! Rock me Franco anyway you feel. Heeeeey, Franco rock me!
FRANCO: Sure, why not? Can I rock you like the wind and rain or a southbound train?
NINA & FRANCO: (SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX)
CASA CORINTHOS
MICHAEL: You going Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos hunting? I wanna come with.
SONNY: Sure. If Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos doesn't shoot me, your mother will. No, you stay and look after the womenfolk and the kiddies. Go visit your brother in the House of Psychiatric Healing, password-protect the door to Avery's room, eat corn dogs with Josslyn, and find out what Kristina's not telling me.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANDRE: Just thought I'd stop by for a friendly chat with a former-slash-current patient. How've your moods been, Anna? Where is your state of mind vis a vis Carrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrrriverrrrrrra?
ANNA: This is a really bad time. I've got a private jet to catch.
ANDRE: I'll only be few minutes. Can I come in? I've gotta pee like you won't believe!
ANNA: You really don't want to go in there. Emma's got the service lizard pox and it's highly contagious.
JASON'S APARTMENT
CARLY: Come on, Jason! You're the Sonny Whisperer! If anyone can tell him to stay in The Chuckles it's you.
JASON: Seeing that the alternative is for Sam and I to continue the marathon convo about the state of our relationship, this will be a change of pace.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: How's Ms. Quartermaine, Dr. Finn? Is she out from under the sauce?
DR. FINN: She's awake and she's freakishly NICE.
DILLON: PHEW!!! Wait, she's NICE? What else did you do to her brain besides get all the worms out?
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Monica, have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there's no one else above you? You fill my heart with gladness. Take away all my sadness. You ease my troubles, Monica, that's what you do.
MONICA: Um...well, thank you, Tracy. Someone must have changed the playlist in your brain because the way I remember it, the line went, "You CAUSE my troubles, that's what you do."
DILLON: Congrats on being de-wormed, Mom!
TRACY: Aren't you the sweetest thing I've ever seen? Where's that darling Dr. Finn? I should like to send him some flowers.
MICHAEL: Hi Aunt Tracy. Sorry I've been too distracted with my ex and her kid and my bipolar brother to help you get back ELQ.
TRACY: You mustn't worry so, child! ELQ will sort itself out.
CASA CORINTHOS
JASON: Carly told me to stop you from chasing Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos and getting yourself killed.
SONNY: It's something I gotta do, Jason. This Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos business is eating a hole in my soul, man. I need to bring him to justice or I won't be able to look myself in the mirror and call myself Sonny Corinthos. Great to see you, though. You were the best goon I ever had, you know that? You saved my life even when you didn't remember BEING my best goon.
JASON: I did what any good amnesiac former Corinthos goon would do.
JASON'S APARTMENT
CARLY: I hope Jason can talk some sense into Sonny and he'll drop this Carrrrrrrrrrrlos thing and let Anna handle it. I can't lose Sonny, Sam.
SAM: I feel ya, Carly. I can't lose Jason either, even if his danger lovin' side kinda lights my fire. I tell you, he tried to kill my cousin right in front of me and we had THE BEST SEX!
CARLY: You are good people, Sam, because you don't try to domesticate Jason. You let Jason be Jason.
SAM: Jason's still trying to figure out who Jason is, or whether or not he's the same Jason he used to be.
HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM
DR. FINN: Need. Drugs. Now.
GRIFFIN: Nice going, doc! Wanna grab a beer?
DR. FINN: We are SO not in a bromance, kid.
GRIFFIN: But you me and God, we rocked that wormectomy, didn't we?
DR. FINN: God doesn't have a medical degree, pretty boy.
GRIFFIN: Ooooookay, I get that not everyone believes God is their co-pilot, but if you ever need some good old atheist chit-chat, I'm good for that too.
NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Let's have some more sex so I can get knocked up.
FRANCO: Are we having memory problems here? I thought I told you about 5,000 times that I didn't want any little mini-mes populating the universe.
NINA: I TOTALLY thought you were kidding! Come on, let's have a BAY-BEE!
NINA: Dr. Lee told me I can't have a BAY-BEE!
FRANCO: (to himself) Now THAT'S how you spell relief. Sorry Rolaids. (to Nina) I'm so sorry Neens. I know you really wanted to propagate our wackadoo DNA. Do you want some comfort sex?
NINA: GO TO HELL, FRANCO-NINA BABY HATER!
HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM
DR. FINN: Do your job, service syringe! Pump some of that amazing straw-color Chardonnay with notes of crisp apples softened by coconut and vanilla in a creamy finish into me!
SONNY'S PRIVATE JET
ANNA: Sorry I'm late. Had a D.A. to chloroform. TWICE.
SONNY: Let's get this done, Anna. I brought a REALLY BIG NET I found at the Port Chuckles Costco. I think Carrrrrrrrrrrlos should fit into it just fine.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Filler Day
Today was another snoozefest/filler day. Jason and Sam spent most of the show in bed talking about their relationship. Kristina and Alexis talked about their (daughter and mother) relationship. Anna and Sonny went on and on with each other and with Paul and Carly about why they had to find Carrrrrrrrrlos and bring him to justice. Julian talked to his head goon again about not messing with Ava.
SAM: We had sex. Yay! Where is our relationship going.
JASON: Well, I guess we're still divorced. Or are we friends with benefits now?
KRISTINA: Mom, can you, like, not have expectations of me?
ALEXIS: Kristina, let's be confused about your sexuality together.
ANNA: Sonny, I don't trust you to not kill Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos the second you lay eyes on him.
SONNY: Why would I do that? I need Julian sent to the big house so he stays out of Kristina's bizness.
PAUL: Please don't go looking for Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Anna! I don't wanna go to jaaaaaaaaaail!
CARLY: Don't do this Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos thing, Sonny! I don't want you to diiiiiiiiiiiie!
AVA: Someone put a dead bird in my bed.
JULIAN: I MUST go back into the business and keep my li'l sis safe from Jerome goons! Sorry, Alexis.
SCOTTY: Are you firing your service hedgehog, Ava?
SAM: We had sex. Yay! Where is our relationship going.
JASON: Well, I guess we're still divorced. Or are we friends with benefits now?
KRISTINA: Mom, can you, like, not have expectations of me?
ALEXIS: Kristina, let's be confused about your sexuality together.
ANNA: Sonny, I don't trust you to not kill Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos the second you lay eyes on him.
SONNY: Why would I do that? I need Julian sent to the big house so he stays out of Kristina's bizness.
PAUL: Please don't go looking for Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Anna! I don't wanna go to jaaaaaaaaaail!
CARLY: Don't do this Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos thing, Sonny! I don't want you to diiiiiiiiiiiie!
AVA: Someone put a dead bird in my bed.
JULIAN: I MUST go back into the business and keep my li'l sis safe from Jerome goons! Sorry, Alexis.
SCOTTY: Are you firing your service hedgehog, Ava?
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Fisticuffs
It's been a fightin' week on GH, from Nina's magazine-throwing tirade at Julian on Monday to Sonny and Dante sparring in the ring yesterday to the show of fisticuffs that goes down at Wyndemere today. After discovering that Nikolas had Haychel shot, Sam confronts Nikolas at his castle of residence and brings Jason along. Nikolas, already on edge due to the presence of Curtis, feels the noose tighten around his neck when his cousin threatens to squeal to the cops.
Elsewhere in The Chuckles (and outside of it), Kristina tells Molly about their mom's reaction to her possible gayness. Julian warns Ava about Sonny. Carly doesn't want Sonny anywhere near Carrrrrrrrrrlos. Alexis confronts Parker about Kristina.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: No, Haychel, your friend cannot sleep over.
CURTIS: Hey Princey-Prince, we've got the goods on your attempt on your wife Haychel's life.
NIKOLAS: Oh really, tough guy? Do you expect me to be impressed with your Photoshop skills? This loveless marriage based on distrust and lies is between me and Haychel.
HAYCHEL: Curtis stays or you're future is in jumpsuits.
JASON'S NEW APARTMENT
SAM: OMG, Nikolas tried to have Haychel MURDERED! Not that I like that poor man's Sam McCall, but I didn't want her DEAD.
JASON: The dude's a Cassadine. Isn't it par for the course?
SAM: But...but he was the GOOD Cassadine!
JASON: Yeah, I don't think that applies anymore.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: So I told Mom about Parker and that I have a gay side that is anywhere from 10 to 100% of me and she's like "No you DON'T! You're just CONFUSED!"
MOLLY: Well, Krissy, are you or are you not confused about your sexuality?
KRISTINA: I am, but Mom was totally in denial that any percent of me could be gay. I'm like, "Jeez Mom, why don't you go out and vote Republican while you're at it".
MOLLY: That was shockingly unenlightened of Mom. I'm going to have to sit her down and take her temperature.
WESLEYAN
ALEXIS: Remember me? I'm the mother of the impressionable young student you manipulated into questioning her sexuality.
PARKER: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??? I did no such thing! She was ALREADY questioning her sexuality.
ALEXIS: But she's never BEEN a lesbian before. She didn't just become one overnight. She was married to a MAN. Granted it lasted 5 minutes and he died and she was a rather different person then, but she gave me NO indication that she bats for the other team.
PARKER: Who knows? Maybe she's a switch hitter? The point is, she's confused and she needs her mama.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
CARLY: Sonny, why don't you just forget about this whole Carrrrrrrrrlos thing and save yourself the trouble of getting shot and stressing me the hell out.
SONNY: Carrrrrrrrrlos needs to be brought to justice and I'm gonna be the one to bring him there. I got the law on my side this time, Carly. Once I find that sonofabitch, I'm gonna hand him over to Anna and the feds and he's gonna turn Julian's ass in for putting the hit out on Duke. Do you need a refresher course on how the mob works?
CARLY: But can't you be a less dangerous mob or something?
SONNY: I'll be a "less dangerous mob" when pigs fly.
WYNDEMERE
SAM: BAD Nikolas! BAD, BAD, BAD!!! I should have known there was no such thing as a "good Cassadine." I'm calling the cops.
NIKOLAS: Hello? Since when have you even LIKED Haychel?
SAM: SO not the point, murderous cousin! You're going DOWN for this! (starts dialing her phone)
NIKOLAS: Gimme that phone!
SAM: What are you going to do if I don't? Hire a goon to plug ME with lead too? Have you turned into your GRANDMOTHER?
JASON: DEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS, NIKKY BOY! POW!
CURTIS: What's this dude's problem? (lunges for Jason)
JASON: THWACK!
NIKOLAS: SMACK!
JASON: (grabs Nikolas and tries to break his neck)
HAYCHEL: OMG, Jason is going to KILL Nikolas!
SAM: DOWN, Jason! DOWN! Does anyone have a stun gun? My ex-hubby's about to kill my murderous cousin!
JASON: GRRRRRRRRRRR!
SAM: LET HIM GO!
JASON: FINE, DAMMIT! I was 2 seconds away from snapping his pompous royal neck!
SAM: Jason, let me refresh your memory on what happens to people who kill other people: They go to prison. Remember that place we were the other day? You don't want to end up there.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
AVA: It was YOU! What kind of sicko are you, threatening me with black roses while I was siting vigil by my comatose daughter's bedside?
SONNY: Don't flatter yourself, Ava. I didn't send you flowers.
AVA: You know Kiki's getting sprung from that hospital soon, don't you? That means Avery's coming to live with ME, Kiki, and my service hedgehog.
JASON'S NEW APARTMENT
SAM: You almost killed my cousin. Let's have sex.
JASON: Okay, ex-wife. If that's what does it for ya...
AVA'S BEDROOM
AVA: AAGGGGHHHHH!!!! When did I get a cat? Do service hedgehogs drag in dead birds too?
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: (takes dagger out of drawer and places it on nightstand) Good night, Haychel. I would recommend sleeping with one eye open.
HAYCHEL: (takes knife off of nightstand and holds it in her hand) I've got a better idea.
HELENA PAINTING: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Sleeping with knives now, are we? How very diabolically Cassadine!
Elsewhere in The Chuckles (and outside of it), Kristina tells Molly about their mom's reaction to her possible gayness. Julian warns Ava about Sonny. Carly doesn't want Sonny anywhere near Carrrrrrrrrrlos. Alexis confronts Parker about Kristina.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: No, Haychel, your friend cannot sleep over.
CURTIS: Hey Princey-Prince, we've got the goods on your attempt on your wife Haychel's life.
NIKOLAS: Oh really, tough guy? Do you expect me to be impressed with your Photoshop skills? This loveless marriage based on distrust and lies is between me and Haychel.
HAYCHEL: Curtis stays or you're future is in jumpsuits.
JASON'S NEW APARTMENT
SAM: OMG, Nikolas tried to have Haychel MURDERED! Not that I like that poor man's Sam McCall, but I didn't want her DEAD.
JASON: The dude's a Cassadine. Isn't it par for the course?
SAM: But...but he was the GOOD Cassadine!
JASON: Yeah, I don't think that applies anymore.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: So I told Mom about Parker and that I have a gay side that is anywhere from 10 to 100% of me and she's like "No you DON'T! You're just CONFUSED!"
MOLLY: Well, Krissy, are you or are you not confused about your sexuality?
KRISTINA: I am, but Mom was totally in denial that any percent of me could be gay. I'm like, "Jeez Mom, why don't you go out and vote Republican while you're at it".
MOLLY: That was shockingly unenlightened of Mom. I'm going to have to sit her down and take her temperature.
WESLEYAN
ALEXIS: Remember me? I'm the mother of the impressionable young student you manipulated into questioning her sexuality.
PARKER: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??? I did no such thing! She was ALREADY questioning her sexuality.
ALEXIS: But she's never BEEN a lesbian before. She didn't just become one overnight. She was married to a MAN. Granted it lasted 5 minutes and he died and she was a rather different person then, but she gave me NO indication that she bats for the other team.
PARKER: Who knows? Maybe she's a switch hitter? The point is, she's confused and she needs her mama.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
CARLY: Sonny, why don't you just forget about this whole Carrrrrrrrrlos thing and save yourself the trouble of getting shot and stressing me the hell out.
SONNY: Carrrrrrrrrlos needs to be brought to justice and I'm gonna be the one to bring him there. I got the law on my side this time, Carly. Once I find that sonofabitch, I'm gonna hand him over to Anna and the feds and he's gonna turn Julian's ass in for putting the hit out on Duke. Do you need a refresher course on how the mob works?
CARLY: But can't you be a less dangerous mob or something?
SONNY: I'll be a "less dangerous mob" when pigs fly.
WYNDEMERE
SAM: BAD Nikolas! BAD, BAD, BAD!!! I should have known there was no such thing as a "good Cassadine." I'm calling the cops.
NIKOLAS: Hello? Since when have you even LIKED Haychel?
SAM: SO not the point, murderous cousin! You're going DOWN for this! (starts dialing her phone)
NIKOLAS: Gimme that phone!
SAM: What are you going to do if I don't? Hire a goon to plug ME with lead too? Have you turned into your GRANDMOTHER?
JASON: DEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS, NIKKY BOY! POW!
CURTIS: What's this dude's problem? (lunges for Jason)
JASON: THWACK!
NIKOLAS: SMACK!
JASON: (grabs Nikolas and tries to break his neck)
HAYCHEL: OMG, Jason is going to KILL Nikolas!
SAM: DOWN, Jason! DOWN! Does anyone have a stun gun? My ex-hubby's about to kill my murderous cousin!
JASON: GRRRRRRRRRRR!
SAM: LET HIM GO!
JASON: FINE, DAMMIT! I was 2 seconds away from snapping his pompous royal neck!
SAM: Jason, let me refresh your memory on what happens to people who kill other people: They go to prison. Remember that place we were the other day? You don't want to end up there.
CORINTHOS HOUSE
AVA: It was YOU! What kind of sicko are you, threatening me with black roses while I was siting vigil by my comatose daughter's bedside?
SONNY: Don't flatter yourself, Ava. I didn't send you flowers.
AVA: You know Kiki's getting sprung from that hospital soon, don't you? That means Avery's coming to live with ME, Kiki, and my service hedgehog.
JASON'S NEW APARTMENT
SAM: You almost killed my cousin. Let's have sex.
JASON: Okay, ex-wife. If that's what does it for ya...
AVA'S BEDROOM
AVA: AAGGGGHHHHH!!!! When did I get a cat? Do service hedgehogs drag in dead birds too?
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: (takes dagger out of drawer and places it on nightstand) Good night, Haychel. I would recommend sleeping with one eye open.
HAYCHEL: (takes knife off of nightstand and holds it in her hand) I've got a better idea.
HELENA PAINTING: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Sleeping with knives now, are we? How very diabolically Cassadine!
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Cowboys and Neurosurgeons
Emma and Griffin play the Port Chuckles (and more politically correct) version of Cowboys and Indians. Sonny and Anna need more intel from Paul's phone on the whereabouts of Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos. Sam, with Jason "along for the ride" have some questions for Nikolas about Haychel's shooting. Tracy needs brain surgery and has to choose between Hot Doc and Doc Martin House. Dante pumps Michael for info about Sonny's plan of attack against Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. Curtis grills Haychel on her love of the green stuff.
ANNA'S HOUSE
GRIFFIN: Ugh! Oh! The pain! The humiliation! The inconvenience! Doc, I need your help! I've got hat hair and I think it's fatal!
EMMA: You're gonna have to take off our hat, cowboy, so I can examine your hat hair.
GRIFFIN: (takes off hat) Have you SEEN anything like this before, doc?
EMMA: It's pretty bad. You need a shot. If that doesn't work, we'll have to operate.
ANNA: What has my granddaughter gotten you into?
GRIFFIN: Diagnosis: Hat Hair. This shot better work or I'm going under the knife. Cowboys and Neurosurgeons doesn't mess around.
SONNY: What did I just walk in on?
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: So do you want me to help you boot Haychel from Wyndemere? I'll throw all her stuff in the moat and she'll have to swim after it! Come on, Nikolas! It'll be fun!
NIKOLAS: As tempting as that sounds, Liz, I'm going to stick with pretending to play happy families with her and Spencer.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????
GYM
DANTE: So, Michael, what's Dad got planned for Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos? Will he draw him and quarter him? Put him in front of a firing squad? Tar and feather him, then parade him around the streets of Port Chuckles?
MICHAEL: I know nothing. Ask Dad yourself.
DANTE: Come on, Michael! Don't keep me guessing. Is he returning to town with Carrrrrrrrrrrlos's head on a platter or what?
MICHAEL: I know nothing. Ask Dad. See ya.
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: The worms are having their way with your mother's brain, boys. Larval cysts are wreaking havoc up there and she needs surgery.
DILLON: Like a wormectomy or something?
DR. FINN: Pretty much. The anti-worm meds aren't containing the infestation like I had hoped, hence the seizure.
NED: Get Doc Martin House in here STAT so he can save Mom's life.
DILLON: What if she wants Dr. Munro?
DR. FINN: Here's a crazy idea: Ask your mother who she wants cutting into her brain.
PAUL: Who's cutting Tracy's brain? What's going on here?
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANNA: Carrrrrrrrrlos is a moving target. We need to keep bugging Paul's phone.
SONNY: Get the chip thingy from his phone and my techie goon Brick will get to work on it.
ANNA: Sounds like a plan. Emma, let's go on a little field trip, shall we?
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
SAM: Nikolas, we have reason to believe that Haychel was plotting and scheming to gift-wrap ELQ for Tracy Quartermaine.
NIKOLAS: What does your silent partner think? Any mind-blowing insights, Jason?
JASON: Don't mind me. I'm just tagging along with my ex-wife on her adventures. She even took me on a field trip to prison. Fun times.
SAM: Jason and I are the happiest couple ever to get a divorce. Speaking of divorce, you and Haychel should give it a try.
NIKOLAS: What if I don't want to? What if I'd be, I don't know, lonely without her? (to self) What if she's holding an attempted murder charge over my royal head?
SAM: So, let me get this straight: You'd rather be with a lying con artist bitch than alone? Think of the children, Nikolas. Or make that, think of the child.
NIKOLAS: Well, Spencer kinda likes that lying con artist bitch just like he liked Britt and just like he had a soft spot for his Machiavellian great grandmother.
WYNDEMERE
CURTIS: Damn this place is creepy! Remind me again why you still want to live here.
HAYCHEL: It's all about the Benjamins, Curtis. I have my standards.
CURTIS: Maybe I should start calling you Greens since you love the stuff so much.
HAYCHEL: Ha ha! After the whole debacle with Daddy, I was tapped out. I changed my name, went to some place called Beecher's Corners where some good-looking lawyer type wanted some good times with me. Or so I thought. Turns out he just wanted to hire me to be some poor amnesiac's fake wife so he could get with Busy Lizzie and he was offering a pretty penny for it. I was too strapped for funds to be insulted that he wasn't into me. The job was here in Port Chuckles and some prince came knocking on my hotel room, we had some Le Petit Mort, I found out he knew who Memory Man really was and when I was about to tell my fake hubby the truth, I get plugged by his goon. Real Cinderella story, isn't it?
CURTIS: Except that prince is fitting you for cement shoes.
HAYCHEL: That's where you come in...
HOSPITAL
ANNA: Fancy meeting you here, Paul. (gives her phone to Emma) Emma, go take some selfies with Felix, Epiphany, a few IV poles, have some fun.
EMMA: Okay, grandma. I'm all over this hospital selfie thing.
ANNA: Silly me! I just remembered that I have to call Robin and Patrick. I promised I'd call them at exactly 2:37. That was a half hour ago. Where's my phone?
PAUL: You gave it to Emma. Hospital selfies, remember? Here, use mine.
ANNA: Aren't you a sweet little crooked district attorney! Thanks, Paul. (fake calling Robin) Hi Robin. How's Morocco. What? I can't hear you. I'm in a dead zone. I'm going to move down the hall where the reception is better. (to self) and Paul can't see me take that chip out of his phone. (to Robin) How's Patrick? What time is it in Morocco? (to self) Got it! Look out Carrrrrrrrrlos!
OBRECHT: Ze patient has chosen Dr. Munro. It baffles ze mind zat she chose ze surgeon viss less experience razzer zan ze chief of neurosurgery.
GRIFFIN: So, Elizabeth, are you ready for the assist on the Quartermaine cerebral wormectomy?
LIZ: Ready as I'll ever be.
TRACY: Let's get this de-worming surgery show on the road. I never thought I'd ever utter such a sentence. I'll be back, everyone. Don't even think about renting my room out to long-lost Quartermaines, stray humans, or ANY of my ex-husbands because I WILL find out. Tracy Angelica Quartermaine DOES NOT die of brain worms!
NED: I still think we should have gone with Doc Martin House.
DILLON: Go commiserate with Dr. Obrecht, Ned. Mom made the right choice.
GYM
SONNY: Dante, son, who are you looking to sucker punch?
DANTE: I've got a list, but first thing's first, Dad, what are you going to (JAB JAB) do to Carrrrrrrrrrrlos?
SONNY: (JAB JAB) I'm going to (JAB JAB) bring him to justice.
DANTE: (JAB DUCK JAB) Care to (JAB) elaborate?
SONNY: Well (DUCK JAB JAB) first, I have to find him.
DANTE: (DUCK DUCK JAB DUCK JAB) Then what (JAB JAB)? Are you planning on turning him over (DUCK JAB DUCK) to the cops for a change?
SONNY: (JAB JAB) That's hilarious.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Guess who's coming to dinner?
NIKOLAS: What sort of game is this, Haychel? With you it's always something.
CURTIS: Since we're talking movies, meet The Bodyguard.
ANNA'S HOUSE
GRIFFIN: Ugh! Oh! The pain! The humiliation! The inconvenience! Doc, I need your help! I've got hat hair and I think it's fatal!
EMMA: You're gonna have to take off our hat, cowboy, so I can examine your hat hair.
GRIFFIN: (takes off hat) Have you SEEN anything like this before, doc?
EMMA: It's pretty bad. You need a shot. If that doesn't work, we'll have to operate.
ANNA: What has my granddaughter gotten you into?
GRIFFIN: Diagnosis: Hat Hair. This shot better work or I'm going under the knife. Cowboys and Neurosurgeons doesn't mess around.
SONNY: What did I just walk in on?
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: So do you want me to help you boot Haychel from Wyndemere? I'll throw all her stuff in the moat and she'll have to swim after it! Come on, Nikolas! It'll be fun!
NIKOLAS: As tempting as that sounds, Liz, I'm going to stick with pretending to play happy families with her and Spencer.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????
GYM
DANTE: So, Michael, what's Dad got planned for Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos? Will he draw him and quarter him? Put him in front of a firing squad? Tar and feather him, then parade him around the streets of Port Chuckles?
MICHAEL: I know nothing. Ask Dad yourself.
DANTE: Come on, Michael! Don't keep me guessing. Is he returning to town with Carrrrrrrrrrrlos's head on a platter or what?
MICHAEL: I know nothing. Ask Dad. See ya.
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: The worms are having their way with your mother's brain, boys. Larval cysts are wreaking havoc up there and she needs surgery.
DILLON: Like a wormectomy or something?
DR. FINN: Pretty much. The anti-worm meds aren't containing the infestation like I had hoped, hence the seizure.
NED: Get Doc Martin House in here STAT so he can save Mom's life.
DILLON: What if she wants Dr. Munro?
DR. FINN: Here's a crazy idea: Ask your mother who she wants cutting into her brain.
PAUL: Who's cutting Tracy's brain? What's going on here?
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANNA: Carrrrrrrrrlos is a moving target. We need to keep bugging Paul's phone.
SONNY: Get the chip thingy from his phone and my techie goon Brick will get to work on it.
ANNA: Sounds like a plan. Emma, let's go on a little field trip, shall we?
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
SAM: Nikolas, we have reason to believe that Haychel was plotting and scheming to gift-wrap ELQ for Tracy Quartermaine.
NIKOLAS: What does your silent partner think? Any mind-blowing insights, Jason?
JASON: Don't mind me. I'm just tagging along with my ex-wife on her adventures. She even took me on a field trip to prison. Fun times.
SAM: Jason and I are the happiest couple ever to get a divorce. Speaking of divorce, you and Haychel should give it a try.
NIKOLAS: What if I don't want to? What if I'd be, I don't know, lonely without her? (to self) What if she's holding an attempted murder charge over my royal head?
SAM: So, let me get this straight: You'd rather be with a lying con artist bitch than alone? Think of the children, Nikolas. Or make that, think of the child.
NIKOLAS: Well, Spencer kinda likes that lying con artist bitch just like he liked Britt and just like he had a soft spot for his Machiavellian great grandmother.
WYNDEMERE
CURTIS: Damn this place is creepy! Remind me again why you still want to live here.
HAYCHEL: It's all about the Benjamins, Curtis. I have my standards.
CURTIS: Maybe I should start calling you Greens since you love the stuff so much.
HAYCHEL: Ha ha! After the whole debacle with Daddy, I was tapped out. I changed my name, went to some place called Beecher's Corners where some good-looking lawyer type wanted some good times with me. Or so I thought. Turns out he just wanted to hire me to be some poor amnesiac's fake wife so he could get with Busy Lizzie and he was offering a pretty penny for it. I was too strapped for funds to be insulted that he wasn't into me. The job was here in Port Chuckles and some prince came knocking on my hotel room, we had some Le Petit Mort, I found out he knew who Memory Man really was and when I was about to tell my fake hubby the truth, I get plugged by his goon. Real Cinderella story, isn't it?
CURTIS: Except that prince is fitting you for cement shoes.
HAYCHEL: That's where you come in...
HOSPITAL
ANNA: Fancy meeting you here, Paul. (gives her phone to Emma) Emma, go take some selfies with Felix, Epiphany, a few IV poles, have some fun.
EMMA: Okay, grandma. I'm all over this hospital selfie thing.
ANNA: Silly me! I just remembered that I have to call Robin and Patrick. I promised I'd call them at exactly 2:37. That was a half hour ago. Where's my phone?
PAUL: You gave it to Emma. Hospital selfies, remember? Here, use mine.
ANNA: Aren't you a sweet little crooked district attorney! Thanks, Paul. (fake calling Robin) Hi Robin. How's Morocco. What? I can't hear you. I'm in a dead zone. I'm going to move down the hall where the reception is better. (to self) and Paul can't see me take that chip out of his phone. (to Robin) How's Patrick? What time is it in Morocco? (to self) Got it! Look out Carrrrrrrrrlos!
OBRECHT: Ze patient has chosen Dr. Munro. It baffles ze mind zat she chose ze surgeon viss less experience razzer zan ze chief of neurosurgery.
GRIFFIN: So, Elizabeth, are you ready for the assist on the Quartermaine cerebral wormectomy?
LIZ: Ready as I'll ever be.
TRACY: Let's get this de-worming surgery show on the road. I never thought I'd ever utter such a sentence. I'll be back, everyone. Don't even think about renting my room out to long-lost Quartermaines, stray humans, or ANY of my ex-husbands because I WILL find out. Tracy Angelica Quartermaine DOES NOT die of brain worms!
NED: I still think we should have gone with Doc Martin House.
DILLON: Go commiserate with Dr. Obrecht, Ned. Mom made the right choice.
GYM
SONNY: Dante, son, who are you looking to sucker punch?
DANTE: I've got a list, but first thing's first, Dad, what are you going to (JAB JAB) do to Carrrrrrrrrrrlos?
SONNY: (JAB JAB) I'm going to (JAB JAB) bring him to justice.
DANTE: (JAB DUCK JAB) Care to (JAB) elaborate?
SONNY: Well (DUCK JAB JAB) first, I have to find him.
DANTE: (DUCK DUCK JAB DUCK JAB) Then what (JAB JAB)? Are you planning on turning him over (DUCK JAB DUCK) to the cops for a change?
SONNY: (JAB JAB) That's hilarious.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Guess who's coming to dinner?
NIKOLAS: What sort of game is this, Haychel? With you it's always something.
CURTIS: Since we're talking movies, meet The Bodyguard.
Monday, April 4, 2016
Marriage of Convenience
Nathan tells Maxie part of the story about his marriage to Claudette. Nina channels her wackadoo days when she finds out Julian is behind the Crimson sabotage. Franco has encouraging words for Liz. Jason and Sam talk to Shawn at Pentonville while Hayden puts the screws to Nikolas. Dr. Finn bonds with his demanding patient.
ACTUAL OUTDOORS (BUT WAY TOO WARM AND SUNNY FOR UPSTATE NEW YORK IN EARLY APRIL)
NATHAN: So I met Claudette, the French Canadian at a bar, proposed to her on our second date, got married and then had the marriage annulled. It was a marriage of convenience.
MAXIE: And getting shot and being doped up on pain meds reminded you of this marriage of convenience how?
NATHAN: Well, I WAS shot in a church during a wedding...
MAXIE: You have a point, but I still don't get why you didn't tell me why you married some French Canadian girl after all of two dates and why you kept all of this a huge secret from me.
NATHAN: If I didn't marry her, she'd get deported. You know how that goes, though Fake Levi wasn't even Australian.
MAXIE: So why did you get an annulment? Did she take you hostage on your wedding and try to murder you with a sword made of your family's prized Aztec jewels?
NATHAN: Let's just say Claudette got around.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Hey, Elizabeth, you won't believe what I just saw on Hulu. It was my former curly haired psychotic self, except I was time traveling to the '60s, saving JFK, then undoing my saving of JFK and ending up dancing with the re-incarnated Helena Cassadine. Spooky! What are you scouring the interwebs for?
LIZ: A place to live that hasn't been blown up or isn't inhabited by a Haychel.
FRANCO: Ever thought of shacking up with Jake's dad?
LIZ: Been there, done that.
DR. FINN: Hey, Elizabeth, thanks for taking care of my service lizard.
FRANCO: Service lizard? Is that a thing?
DR. FINN: Damn straight it's a thing. You should really consider it.
METROCOURT ROOM
HAYCHEL: I know what you did last spring, Nikolas.
NIKOLAS: Can you narrow it down a little?
HAYCHEL: We had a lot of Le Petit Mort, I knew Jake Doe was really Jason, you didn't care because you loved having Le Petit Mort with me, I broke a priceless Russian vase, oh, and YOU TRIED TO HAVE ME KILLED!
NIKOLAS: (to himself) How the HELL does she know that? I'm ROYALLY screwed! (to Haychel) You're misremembering things, Haychel. Shawn Butler was trying to shoot Jakeson and since he's a notoriously bad shot, his bullet plugged you instead.
HAYCHEL: WRONG! Shawn isn't just a bad shot, he's an ATROCIOUS shot and his bullet hit NOTHING! There was another shooter and it was one of YOUR goons. You knew I was going to that garage to rat you out and you tried to stop it from happening. Therefore, you're going to shred that prenup and cough up ELQ or you're taking Shawn's place in The Big House.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Curtis, don't keep us waiting. Who's the rat bastard who tried to sabotage Crimson?
CURTIS: (nods in Julian's direction) You're looking at him.
NINA: Julian, it was you??? You will ANSWER for what you did! REPENT (throws magazine pages at Julian) REPENT (throws a chair at Julian) REPENT!!! (throws assorted office supplies at Julian)
JULIAN: Whoa, Nina, can you dial down the crazy a notch or fifty?
NINA: You think THIS is crazy? (Points stiletto heel at Julian) I WOULD show you crazy, but I'm going to be a mature adult about it and call my baby brother, the cop. After all, you committed fraud about 5,000 times, so it shouldn't be too hard to get you thrown in the slammer.
JULIAN: This office looks like a couple of natural disasters hit it. Isn't it too late for being a mature adult?
NINA: Fork over Crimson or get cuffed.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: You leave this hospital over your own dead body.
TRACY: I've come to appreciate how you don't sugar-coat things, Dr. Finn, but, honestly, will my brain worms die faster if I'm stuck in a hospital bed wearing striped jammies?
DR. FINN: You'd be surprised at the anti-parasitic properties of striped jammies. I'm trying to get some specially made for Roxy.
TRACY: You're having pajamas made for you "service lizard"?
DR. FINN: Wouldn't you do anything in your power to protect Ned and Dillon from potential parasitic infection?
PENTONVILLE
SAM (on prison phone with Shawn): We have reason to think your bullet missed human flesh altogether.
SHAWN: That's funny. Hayden thought the same thing.
SAM: By the way, it's Haychel now. She's Raymond Bernie Madoff's daughter Rachel. What if one of Daddy's enemies went after her. Or Daddy himself. Do you remember any random person with a gun standing by you when you took that shot?
SHAWN: No, I didn't look both ways before pulling the trigger. Can you put Jason on?
JASON: Hey, look, no hard feelings, man.
SHAWN: I know you don't remember us being buddies, but we were and when I found out you were Jason, I was wrecked, man. Sometimes being a lousy shot can be a good thing.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Seriously, Elizabeth, you're much less of a mess than you were after Jason dumped you. I call that progress.
LIZ: Thank you, Franco. I think.
OBRECHT: Franco, my liebchen genius, vy aah you vasting your time viss zat simpering Nurse Vebber? Vat about Nina?
FRANCO: Nina's trying to get me pregnant.
OBRECHT: Now zat vould be something to see. If any man can be pregnant, Franco, it vould be you.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: OMG! Who bombed our office?
JULIAN: Don't look at me! (leaves)
NINA: There was a little misunderstanding.
MAXIE: I'll say.
NINA: Crimson is mine now, Maxie. ALL MINE!
MAXIE: Your brother had a French Canadian ex-wife.
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: Hello, HAYCHEL!
HAYCHEL: Look who's got a needle and ink to tattoo "Property of Busy Lizzie" on your forehead, Nikolas. Too bad he's still taken, Busy Lizzie! (leaves)
NIKOLAS: She knows, Liz.
LIZ: You're kinda screwed.
NIKOLAS: YOU THINK???
ACTUAL OUTDOORS
HAYCHEL: Guess what? My prince of a hubby knows I know he tried to have me killed. You still got the proof?
CURTIS: What? Do you think your BFF would flush the goods on your poisonous prince down the toilet?
HAYCHEL: I may need that proof sooner rather than later. It's all I have to save my marriage and my meal ticket.
CURTIS: I've got a better idea. Ditch the creepy castle and your homicidal hubby and let ME be your meal ticket.
NATHAN: (on phone with Obrecht) So Maxie knows the partial truth about Claudette. Tread lightly, mother.
OBRECHT: It is a good sing you did not tell her ze whole troos, Nassan. Zat vould have been a very bad idea.
HOSPITAL
TRACY: Thank you for letting me clean your clock in Monopoly, Dr. Finn.
DR. FINN: It really wasn't a fair fight. You had a couple thousand parasitic worms up there working for you.
TRACY: And you don't have some sort of psychic connection with your bearded service lizard dragon?
DR. FINN: I see blood. Impending seizure! Danger, Tracy Quartermaine! Danger!!!!
TRACY: SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE
ACTUAL OUTDOORS (BUT WAY TOO WARM AND SUNNY FOR UPSTATE NEW YORK IN EARLY APRIL)
NATHAN: So I met Claudette, the French Canadian at a bar, proposed to her on our second date, got married and then had the marriage annulled. It was a marriage of convenience.
MAXIE: And getting shot and being doped up on pain meds reminded you of this marriage of convenience how?
NATHAN: Well, I WAS shot in a church during a wedding...
MAXIE: You have a point, but I still don't get why you didn't tell me why you married some French Canadian girl after all of two dates and why you kept all of this a huge secret from me.
NATHAN: If I didn't marry her, she'd get deported. You know how that goes, though Fake Levi wasn't even Australian.
MAXIE: So why did you get an annulment? Did she take you hostage on your wedding and try to murder you with a sword made of your family's prized Aztec jewels?
NATHAN: Let's just say Claudette got around.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Hey, Elizabeth, you won't believe what I just saw on Hulu. It was my former curly haired psychotic self, except I was time traveling to the '60s, saving JFK, then undoing my saving of JFK and ending up dancing with the re-incarnated Helena Cassadine. Spooky! What are you scouring the interwebs for?
LIZ: A place to live that hasn't been blown up or isn't inhabited by a Haychel.
FRANCO: Ever thought of shacking up with Jake's dad?
LIZ: Been there, done that.
DR. FINN: Hey, Elizabeth, thanks for taking care of my service lizard.
FRANCO: Service lizard? Is that a thing?
DR. FINN: Damn straight it's a thing. You should really consider it.
METROCOURT ROOM
HAYCHEL: I know what you did last spring, Nikolas.
NIKOLAS: Can you narrow it down a little?
HAYCHEL: We had a lot of Le Petit Mort, I knew Jake Doe was really Jason, you didn't care because you loved having Le Petit Mort with me, I broke a priceless Russian vase, oh, and YOU TRIED TO HAVE ME KILLED!
NIKOLAS: (to himself) How the HELL does she know that? I'm ROYALLY screwed! (to Haychel) You're misremembering things, Haychel. Shawn Butler was trying to shoot Jakeson and since he's a notoriously bad shot, his bullet plugged you instead.
HAYCHEL: WRONG! Shawn isn't just a bad shot, he's an ATROCIOUS shot and his bullet hit NOTHING! There was another shooter and it was one of YOUR goons. You knew I was going to that garage to rat you out and you tried to stop it from happening. Therefore, you're going to shred that prenup and cough up ELQ or you're taking Shawn's place in The Big House.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Curtis, don't keep us waiting. Who's the rat bastard who tried to sabotage Crimson?
CURTIS: (nods in Julian's direction) You're looking at him.
NINA: Julian, it was you??? You will ANSWER for what you did! REPENT (throws magazine pages at Julian) REPENT (throws a chair at Julian) REPENT!!! (throws assorted office supplies at Julian)
JULIAN: Whoa, Nina, can you dial down the crazy a notch or fifty?
NINA: You think THIS is crazy? (Points stiletto heel at Julian) I WOULD show you crazy, but I'm going to be a mature adult about it and call my baby brother, the cop. After all, you committed fraud about 5,000 times, so it shouldn't be too hard to get you thrown in the slammer.
JULIAN: This office looks like a couple of natural disasters hit it. Isn't it too late for being a mature adult?
NINA: Fork over Crimson or get cuffed.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: You leave this hospital over your own dead body.
TRACY: I've come to appreciate how you don't sugar-coat things, Dr. Finn, but, honestly, will my brain worms die faster if I'm stuck in a hospital bed wearing striped jammies?
DR. FINN: You'd be surprised at the anti-parasitic properties of striped jammies. I'm trying to get some specially made for Roxy.
TRACY: You're having pajamas made for you "service lizard"?
DR. FINN: Wouldn't you do anything in your power to protect Ned and Dillon from potential parasitic infection?
PENTONVILLE
SAM (on prison phone with Shawn): We have reason to think your bullet missed human flesh altogether.
SHAWN: That's funny. Hayden thought the same thing.
SAM: By the way, it's Haychel now. She's Raymond Bernie Madoff's daughter Rachel. What if one of Daddy's enemies went after her. Or Daddy himself. Do you remember any random person with a gun standing by you when you took that shot?
SHAWN: No, I didn't look both ways before pulling the trigger. Can you put Jason on?
JASON: Hey, look, no hard feelings, man.
SHAWN: I know you don't remember us being buddies, but we were and when I found out you were Jason, I was wrecked, man. Sometimes being a lousy shot can be a good thing.
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Seriously, Elizabeth, you're much less of a mess than you were after Jason dumped you. I call that progress.
LIZ: Thank you, Franco. I think.
OBRECHT: Franco, my liebchen genius, vy aah you vasting your time viss zat simpering Nurse Vebber? Vat about Nina?
FRANCO: Nina's trying to get me pregnant.
OBRECHT: Now zat vould be something to see. If any man can be pregnant, Franco, it vould be you.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: OMG! Who bombed our office?
JULIAN: Don't look at me! (leaves)
NINA: There was a little misunderstanding.
MAXIE: I'll say.
NINA: Crimson is mine now, Maxie. ALL MINE!
MAXIE: Your brother had a French Canadian ex-wife.
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: Hello, HAYCHEL!
HAYCHEL: Look who's got a needle and ink to tattoo "Property of Busy Lizzie" on your forehead, Nikolas. Too bad he's still taken, Busy Lizzie! (leaves)
NIKOLAS: She knows, Liz.
LIZ: You're kinda screwed.
NIKOLAS: YOU THINK???
ACTUAL OUTDOORS
HAYCHEL: Guess what? My prince of a hubby knows I know he tried to have me killed. You still got the proof?
CURTIS: What? Do you think your BFF would flush the goods on your poisonous prince down the toilet?
HAYCHEL: I may need that proof sooner rather than later. It's all I have to save my marriage and my meal ticket.
CURTIS: I've got a better idea. Ditch the creepy castle and your homicidal hubby and let ME be your meal ticket.
NATHAN: (on phone with Obrecht) So Maxie knows the partial truth about Claudette. Tread lightly, mother.
OBRECHT: It is a good sing you did not tell her ze whole troos, Nassan. Zat vould have been a very bad idea.
HOSPITAL
TRACY: Thank you for letting me clean your clock in Monopoly, Dr. Finn.
DR. FINN: It really wasn't a fair fight. You had a couple thousand parasitic worms up there working for you.
TRACY: And you don't have some sort of psychic connection with your bearded service lizard dragon?
DR. FINN: I see blood. Impending seizure! Danger, Tracy Quartermaine! Danger!!!!
TRACY: SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE
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