The party roars on aboard The Haunted Star. Dante's looking for Lulu but runs into Nathan, then Valerie. Dillon misinterprets an encounter between Dante & Valerie. Tracy is less than thrilled that Lulu and Dante plan on defrosting their embryo. Ava shows up at Franco, Nina, and Kiki's place with a costumed Avery. Anna is puzzled by Paul's actions as D.A. Liz gets a gift from her Gram. Carly throws a bachelor party for Jake. Spinelli is in a pickle and calls on Carly for help.
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: Hey Nate, where's Lulu? My dad told me I need to tell her the truth.
NATHAN: Before you tell Lulu, you need to give Valerie a heads-up, seeing as you'll be causing some serious cousin warfare in the process of unburdening yourself.
DANTE: Good point.
MAXIE: Who wants to be in a movie?
MORGAN: I do! I already have a costume and (points to Darby) a leading lady.
MAXIE: Show me the money and the role's yours.
THE FLOATING RIB
CARLY: Jake Doe, welcome to your bachelor party!
JAKE: How did I know you were going to pull this? Oh yeah, you're Carly, that's how!
SAM: (over phone) Spinelli, what's the status on Operation Humpty Dumpty?
SPINELLI: The king's horses and the king's men are still laboring away, Fair Samantha.
SAM: Could you tell them to step on it! It's November 5th here at the Rib while it's still October 31st in some parts of town. Your laptop of mystery must have somehow bent the space-time continuum.
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Obrecht must have been making budget cuts because I've been tasked with delivering your mail. This came from Austria.
LIZ: OMG, it's from my Gram!
AUDREY: (via letter) Dearest Granddaughter, tomorrow you will become Mrs. Doe and you will have a much younger babysitter for my rambunctious great-grandsons. It is my fervent wish that you and Jake Doe, if that is indeed his name, have a long and happy life together. Love, Gram.
PATRICK: What's wrong, Elizabeth?
LIZ: I am overcome...
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: ...with GUILT
PIER
ANNA: Who are you? Are you Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos?
PAUL: Guess again. (takes off mask)
ANNA: I'm beginning to think you have a thing for me.
PAUL: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But I've saved your ass from being sent up the river.
ANNA: Will you stop your ridiculous dance around what you want to say to me and spit it the hell out?
PAUL: I know you murdered Carrrrrrrrrrlos but he was not in that box in the morgue. That was some other unfortunate dead dude on whom I planted Carrrrrrrrrrrlos's wallet. Then I had him reduced to a box of ashes. You're welcome.
NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S PLACE
FRANCO: Let's watch Slaughterfest
NINA: Let's go to the party on the Haunted Star
KIKI: Later guys. I'm going out to party.
AVA: Trick or Treat!
KIKI: Trick!
AVA: Come on, Kiki, isn't your little sister the cutest unicorn EVER?
NINA: She'd be cuter if she weren't attached to the worst mother EVER!
AVA: Says the woman who practically PULLED HER OUT OF MY WOMB a year ago today! While pretending she was a HORSE to boot!
KIKI: On that note, I'm outta here. Nina's my mom now, by the way.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: Andy, you IDIOT! You weren't supposed to film ME and VALERIE baring our SOULS to each other! That's NOT part of the movie.
ANDY: But it's full of INTRIGUE and SOAPY DRAMA!
DILLON: Delete it or you're fired!
VALERIE: Great news, Dante! I'm going to the Police Academy! Can you zip me up?
DANTE: So you're gonna be a cop? Congrats, Valerie! (hugs her) We need to talk about something.
VALERIE: Ain't got no TIME for that! I gotta get back to the PARTY!
DILLON: (to self) Maybe I'll air the unedited sizzle reel after all.
LULU: Guess what, Tracy? Dante and I are going to have another baby.
TRACY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT? Half the time, you forget Rocco even exists!
LULU: But...but...at least he'll have COMPANY when we drop him with random babysitters and Olivia.
HOSPITAL
SPINELLI: Sincerest thanks for your timely response, Mrs Corinthos. Ellie is in the hospital and I must depart for Portland post-haste. The reverse-engineering of Jake's face is near its completion and it is of the utmost importance that you deliver this computer to Samantha.
CARLY: Will do, Spinelli. If it helps Jake, I'm all for it. I'm his BFF.
SPINELLI'S LAPTOP: The reverse engineering of Billy Miller's face is complete. Before he was run over by an SUV driven by Ava Jerome, he looked just like...drumroll please...STEVE BURTON! Ah, the wonders of soap opera plastic surgery!
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: Who's ready for a sneak preview of the movie your generous donations are financing? Let 'er roll
SIZZLE REEL: (Valerie) I slept with Dante.
LULU: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????
Friday, October 30, 2015
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Tricks and Treats, But Mostly Tricks!
It's Halloween in The Chuckles. One year ago, it was Hell-No-Ween when Franco held a screening of Sonny & Carly: Sex, Lies, and Spycam Necklaces after telling Carly, "Hell No, I won't marry you" in front of the shocked, but mostly relieved, wedding guests.
This year, the kiddos are going Trick-Or-Treating on Halloween proper. None of that Beggar's Night stuff like last year. Emma is Evil Evie With Blue Hair and Sam is Evil Evie's Mom. Little Danny is Patrick's mini-me as the most adorable doctor in The Chuckles. Cameron, Li'l Jake, and Aiden (together on screen at last!) are football players, along with Big Jake, who threw in a clown nose for no particular reason.
Paul comforts Ava after she gets bad news from Scott. Dante confides in Sonny. Valerie convinces Lulu to stay friends with Dillon. As Spinelli is about to finally reveal Jake's identity, Maxie's klutzy move puts it all in jeopardy. Liz asks Jake to adopt Cameron and Little Jake.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
EMMA: Hey Spinelli, where's your costume? Aren't you going trick-or-treating with us?
SPINELLI: Alas, young Miss Drake, the Jackal is on an important mission that cannot be interrupted.
SAM: How's said mission going, Spinelli?
SPINELLI: It is quite near completion, fair Samantha. As soon as you return from your celebration of All Hallows' Eve, our conclusion shall be upon us.
PATRICK: Anyone have an English-Spinelli dictionary I can borrow?
SONNY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
SONNY: What's goin' on with you, Dante? Why do you think you're not godfather material? Is it because you're not in the business?
DANTE: It's because I screwed the pooch big-time, Dad. No, I take that back, Valerie is not a pooch. I cheated on my wife.
SONNY: Don't beat yourself up. You have the Corinthos DNA, son. It was bound to happen eventually.
DANTE: What should I do, Dad? Too many damn people know and it's only a matter of time before Lulu finds out. But if I tell Lulu, I can kiss my marriage and Rocco goodbye.
SONNY: Ya gotta man up and tell her, Dante. There ain't no way around it. You can't let her hear it from anyone else.
GALLERY
TRACY: Hey, Mother-Of-The-Century, are you going to sell me a painting or what?
AVA: You want to buy a painting from little ol' me?
TRACY: Against my better judgement, I do. It's for my art-loving ex-hubby turned new D.A. of this town.
AVA: Would he be interested in highly disturbing interpretations of the primate world?
TRACY: Who knew you were a muse for a painting in your own gallery? He likes the stripey ones. By the way, Sonny's going to win custody of Baby A.J.--that's what we Quartermaines called her--and I HATE Sonny.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LI'L JAKE: Why do I have to do this pedestrian Halloween thing dressed like a barbarian? The Grand Empress of Cassadine Island said that begging for candy is what peasants do.
JAKE: Hey, kiddo, you know the saying "When in Rome, do as the Romans do?"
LI'L JAKE: Last time I checked we were in some dreary town called Port Chuckles, not Rome.
CAMERON: Come on, Jake, have some fun for once in your life.
AIDEN: Hey Cam, DON'T EAT MY CANDY!
LIZ: I'm back! Obrecht actually kinda really likes me now and let me have the night off to go trick-or-treating with my family. Isn't that just the awesomesauce?
HAUNTED STAR
ANDY: (watching footage of Dillon and Valerie) Sah-WEET! This is going to make the sizzle reel FO SHO!
LULU: Stop hugging me, Dillon! I have SO unfriended you and not only on facebook. Now you're just somebody that I used to know.
DILLON: I can't even be your FRIEND anymore? I don't think I can survive a Lulu-free existence.
VALERIE: Lulu, you didn't have to cut Dillon off, make like your friendship never happened and you were nothing.
LULU: But I don't even need his love--I mean his friendship. I'd rather treat him like a stranger.
VALERIE: But he feels so rough! You don't have to stoop so low, to have him relocate his movie and expand his budget. He doesn't really need that though. He doesn't have to be somebody that you used to know.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
MAXIE: Why are you hiding from me, Spinelli?
SPINELLI: Deepest apologies, Maximista! I have been swept up in a mission of utmost importance.
MAXIE: What is more important than ME? The mother of your child?
SPINELLI: Alas, I have been negligent in my co-parenting duties. Stand by and we shall connect to our precious one over the interwebs.
HAUNTED STAR
PAUL: Why so glum, son?
DILLON: Lulu won't be my friend anymore.
PAUL: Now that's not very nice of Lulu. What did she do? Kick you out of the sandbox?
DILLON: Substitute "her life" and "The Haunted Star" for the sandbox and you've got the picture. Now I'm just somebody that she used to know.
PAUL: PFFFFFFFFFT! Never say die, son. If she's the girl of your dreams, all you need to do is channel your inner...ME!
GALLERY
PAUL: Fancy meeting you here, Tracy.
TRACY: I was just leaving. She's all yours.
AVA: I just got bad news from my lawyer. I'm going to lose my daughter.
PAUL: Now now, my lovely partner in mobbery, you have one Paul Hornsby in your corner now.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: I'm sorry I unfriended you, Dillon.
DILLON: For real?
LULU: As long as you agree not to kiss me or diss my hubby, we're cool. (looks at computer screen) OMG, what's that?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Here's an idea: How about you adopt Cameron and Jake? Aiden has a daddy in Lucky, even though he spends all his time in Nashville these days, but Cameron and Jake need a daddy. What says you?
JAKE: Sure, why not? As long as Cam and Li'l Jake don't mind having the last name Doe.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
MAXIE: Gotta go party on the Haunted Star. Happy tricks and treats! (knocks over cider cup, which spills all over Spinelli's laptop) O. M. G. I killed your laptop, Spinelli! I'm so so so SO sorry!
SPINELLI: Fear not, Maximista. One should never cry over spilt cider, right fair Samantha?
SAM: Of course. If anyone can fix a soggy laptop, it's the Jackal. Right, Spinelli?
JAKE: So, do I have an identity yet?
SPINELLI: Well...
SAM: About that...
JAKE: (to self) Stay calm... Resist urge to snap that Jackal's neck...
This year, the kiddos are going Trick-Or-Treating on Halloween proper. None of that Beggar's Night stuff like last year. Emma is Evil Evie With Blue Hair and Sam is Evil Evie's Mom. Little Danny is Patrick's mini-me as the most adorable doctor in The Chuckles. Cameron, Li'l Jake, and Aiden (together on screen at last!) are football players, along with Big Jake, who threw in a clown nose for no particular reason.
Paul comforts Ava after she gets bad news from Scott. Dante confides in Sonny. Valerie convinces Lulu to stay friends with Dillon. As Spinelli is about to finally reveal Jake's identity, Maxie's klutzy move puts it all in jeopardy. Liz asks Jake to adopt Cameron and Little Jake.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
EMMA: Hey Spinelli, where's your costume? Aren't you going trick-or-treating with us?
SPINELLI: Alas, young Miss Drake, the Jackal is on an important mission that cannot be interrupted.
SAM: How's said mission going, Spinelli?
SPINELLI: It is quite near completion, fair Samantha. As soon as you return from your celebration of All Hallows' Eve, our conclusion shall be upon us.
PATRICK: Anyone have an English-Spinelli dictionary I can borrow?
SONNY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
SONNY: What's goin' on with you, Dante? Why do you think you're not godfather material? Is it because you're not in the business?
DANTE: It's because I screwed the pooch big-time, Dad. No, I take that back, Valerie is not a pooch. I cheated on my wife.
SONNY: Don't beat yourself up. You have the Corinthos DNA, son. It was bound to happen eventually.
DANTE: What should I do, Dad? Too many damn people know and it's only a matter of time before Lulu finds out. But if I tell Lulu, I can kiss my marriage and Rocco goodbye.
SONNY: Ya gotta man up and tell her, Dante. There ain't no way around it. You can't let her hear it from anyone else.
GALLERY
TRACY: Hey, Mother-Of-The-Century, are you going to sell me a painting or what?
AVA: You want to buy a painting from little ol' me?
TRACY: Against my better judgement, I do. It's for my art-loving ex-hubby turned new D.A. of this town.
AVA: Would he be interested in highly disturbing interpretations of the primate world?
TRACY: Who knew you were a muse for a painting in your own gallery? He likes the stripey ones. By the way, Sonny's going to win custody of Baby A.J.--that's what we Quartermaines called her--and I HATE Sonny.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LI'L JAKE: Why do I have to do this pedestrian Halloween thing dressed like a barbarian? The Grand Empress of Cassadine Island said that begging for candy is what peasants do.
JAKE: Hey, kiddo, you know the saying "When in Rome, do as the Romans do?"
LI'L JAKE: Last time I checked we were in some dreary town called Port Chuckles, not Rome.
CAMERON: Come on, Jake, have some fun for once in your life.
AIDEN: Hey Cam, DON'T EAT MY CANDY!
LIZ: I'm back! Obrecht actually kinda really likes me now and let me have the night off to go trick-or-treating with my family. Isn't that just the awesomesauce?
HAUNTED STAR
ANDY: (watching footage of Dillon and Valerie) Sah-WEET! This is going to make the sizzle reel FO SHO!
LULU: Stop hugging me, Dillon! I have SO unfriended you and not only on facebook. Now you're just somebody that I used to know.
DILLON: I can't even be your FRIEND anymore? I don't think I can survive a Lulu-free existence.
VALERIE: Lulu, you didn't have to cut Dillon off, make like your friendship never happened and you were nothing.
LULU: But I don't even need his love--I mean his friendship. I'd rather treat him like a stranger.
VALERIE: But he feels so rough! You don't have to stoop so low, to have him relocate his movie and expand his budget. He doesn't really need that though. He doesn't have to be somebody that you used to know.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
MAXIE: Why are you hiding from me, Spinelli?
SPINELLI: Deepest apologies, Maximista! I have been swept up in a mission of utmost importance.
MAXIE: What is more important than ME? The mother of your child?
SPINELLI: Alas, I have been negligent in my co-parenting duties. Stand by and we shall connect to our precious one over the interwebs.
HAUNTED STAR
PAUL: Why so glum, son?
DILLON: Lulu won't be my friend anymore.
PAUL: Now that's not very nice of Lulu. What did she do? Kick you out of the sandbox?
DILLON: Substitute "her life" and "The Haunted Star" for the sandbox and you've got the picture. Now I'm just somebody that she used to know.
PAUL: PFFFFFFFFFT! Never say die, son. If she's the girl of your dreams, all you need to do is channel your inner...ME!
GALLERY
PAUL: Fancy meeting you here, Tracy.
TRACY: I was just leaving. She's all yours.
AVA: I just got bad news from my lawyer. I'm going to lose my daughter.
PAUL: Now now, my lovely partner in mobbery, you have one Paul Hornsby in your corner now.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: I'm sorry I unfriended you, Dillon.
DILLON: For real?
LULU: As long as you agree not to kiss me or diss my hubby, we're cool. (looks at computer screen) OMG, what's that?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Here's an idea: How about you adopt Cameron and Jake? Aiden has a daddy in Lucky, even though he spends all his time in Nashville these days, but Cameron and Jake need a daddy. What says you?
JAKE: Sure, why not? As long as Cam and Li'l Jake don't mind having the last name Doe.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
MAXIE: Gotta go party on the Haunted Star. Happy tricks and treats! (knocks over cider cup, which spills all over Spinelli's laptop) O. M. G. I killed your laptop, Spinelli! I'm so so so SO sorry!
SPINELLI: Fear not, Maximista. One should never cry over spilt cider, right fair Samantha?
SAM: Of course. If anyone can fix a soggy laptop, it's the Jackal. Right, Spinelli?
JAKE: So, do I have an identity yet?
SPINELLI: Well...
SAM: About that...
JAKE: (to self) Stay calm... Resist urge to snap that Jackal's neck...
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Mr. and Mrs. Jake Doe
Liz is itching to be Mrs. Doe and gives Jake an early wedding present. Spinelli asks Jake for a favor. Dillon is interrupted as he's about to spill the beans about Dante & Valerie. Ric has bad news for Sonny while Scott is no more encouraging toward Ava regarding custody of Crypt Baby Avery. Kiki invites Morgan over, then intercepts a text from Darby.
FLOATING RIB
JAKE: Sorry, Spinelli. Sorry I got all in your face and called you Spaghetti.
SPINELLI: Such apology is not required, Mr. Doe, sir. The jackal's skills suffered a temporary state of inefficiency, but fear not, my memory-challenged friend. If you could do me the favor of obtaining your medical records from the hospital, I shall reverse-engineer your face.
JAKE: I'll take that as not being a threat.
SPINELLI: Once you obtain said records, you must have them sent to this email address most expediently. The Jackal is on the precipice of uncovering your identity.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Spill it, Dillon. What did you want to tell me?
DILLON: (to himself) That Dante's a cheating ASS that doesn't deserve your amazing Lulu-ness. (to Lulu) Valerie and I are back together, so you don't have to worry about me randomly kissing you anymore.
LULU: Ooooookay. You're going to have to do better than that.
DILLON: She's your cousin, Lulu. If I can't have one Spencer, i'm going to make a go of it with another.
LULU: You're freaking me out more and more as words come out of your mouth.
MAXIE: Nathan. Secret. NOW!
DANTE: Remember how you miscarried one of Lulu's and my embryos and kept it a secret for NINE MONTHS?
MAXIE: Thanks for throwing all of 2013 in my face, Dante. I thought we kumbaya-ed our way past that.
SONNY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
RIC: Here's the deal, brother: You're kinda incapacitated and Team Ava may use that against you in the custody case.
SONNY: So I could LOSE MY DAUGHTER because my legs are taking a vacation?
CARLY: Ric. Hallway. NOW!
JEROME GALLERY
SCOTT: Ava, you might want to force Kiki to make peace with you so you can keep your kid. Sonny has a parade of character witnesses bearing the Corinthos last name. You have a daughter who can't stand the sight of you because you slept with her boyfriend.
AVA: Way to tell it to me straight, Scott. Doesn't everybody know that a mobster in a wheelchair is still a mobster?
SCOTT: You're a gallery owner as much as Sonny is a coffee importer. Start sucking up to Kiki NOW!
HOSPITAL
LIZ: I've got an early wedding present for you. Want me to go get it?
JAKE: Sure, why not. I'm going to take a little walk, to stretch my legs. Later, fiancee.
HAUNTED STAR
NATHAN: Hand me those cables, Maxie.
MAXIE: What's a cable?
NATHAN: Long, thick black wires with plugs on the end. Electric spaghetti, if you will.
MAXIE: Not until you agree to do one of two things: Either tell me your big secret OR agree to wear the costume I picked out for you.
NATHAN: And that costume would be...
MAXIE: That's MY secret.
LULU: So, cousin Val, you and Dillon?
VALERIE: Well, you're with Dante. Maxie is with Nathan. Nikolas's castle creeps me out, and I don't know any other guys in this town. Besides, Dillon's not THAT bad of a consolation prize. I hope he feels the same way about me.
DANTE: Dammit, Dillon, can't you keep your flippin' trap shut?
DILLON: Dammit, Dante, can't you keep your pants on? That was TOO EASY! Stay out of my grill and I'll stay out of yours. Deal?
HOSPITAL
JAKE: I need my medical records to find out who the hell I am. Send them to this email address: jackal@godofcyberspace.net.
RECEPTIONIST: Oooooookay.
LIZ: Here it is!
JAKE: "Mr. and Mrs. Jake Doe" You're awfully excited to be a Doe, aren't you?
LIZ: You won't BELIEVE how much stuff I got monogrammed. Let's find an empty room and go make out.
JAKE: Seeing how few patients are actually IN this hospital, that shouldn't be too hard.
FRANCO/NINA/KIKI'S APARTMENT
MORGAN: What the hell, Kiki? Are you high? "Too busy having sex with Kiki?" PFFFFFFT! Good luck with THAT now that you pissed me off.
KIKI: GO AWAY, Morgan! And don't you come back no more, no more, no more!
AVA: Kiki, can you un-disown me so I can keep Avery? You remember Avery, right? Adorable, chatty, about to turn a year old?
KIKI: GO AWAY, MOM! And don't you come back no more no more no more!
FLOATING RIB
DARBY: So, what is it with you and that Kiki chick? She sounds kind of...unhinged.
MORGAN: Well, I kinda cheated on her with her mom, the art lady and she's deciding how pissed at me she wants to be. Some days are better than others.
SPINELLI: The Jackal. Has. Conquered. The. Interwebs.
FLOATING RIB
JAKE: Sorry, Spinelli. Sorry I got all in your face and called you Spaghetti.
SPINELLI: Such apology is not required, Mr. Doe, sir. The jackal's skills suffered a temporary state of inefficiency, but fear not, my memory-challenged friend. If you could do me the favor of obtaining your medical records from the hospital, I shall reverse-engineer your face.
JAKE: I'll take that as not being a threat.
SPINELLI: Once you obtain said records, you must have them sent to this email address most expediently. The Jackal is on the precipice of uncovering your identity.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Spill it, Dillon. What did you want to tell me?
DILLON: (to himself) That Dante's a cheating ASS that doesn't deserve your amazing Lulu-ness. (to Lulu) Valerie and I are back together, so you don't have to worry about me randomly kissing you anymore.
LULU: Ooooookay. You're going to have to do better than that.
DILLON: She's your cousin, Lulu. If I can't have one Spencer, i'm going to make a go of it with another.
LULU: You're freaking me out more and more as words come out of your mouth.
MAXIE: Nathan. Secret. NOW!
DANTE: Remember how you miscarried one of Lulu's and my embryos and kept it a secret for NINE MONTHS?
MAXIE: Thanks for throwing all of 2013 in my face, Dante. I thought we kumbaya-ed our way past that.
SONNY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
RIC: Here's the deal, brother: You're kinda incapacitated and Team Ava may use that against you in the custody case.
SONNY: So I could LOSE MY DAUGHTER because my legs are taking a vacation?
CARLY: Ric. Hallway. NOW!
JEROME GALLERY
SCOTT: Ava, you might want to force Kiki to make peace with you so you can keep your kid. Sonny has a parade of character witnesses bearing the Corinthos last name. You have a daughter who can't stand the sight of you because you slept with her boyfriend.
AVA: Way to tell it to me straight, Scott. Doesn't everybody know that a mobster in a wheelchair is still a mobster?
SCOTT: You're a gallery owner as much as Sonny is a coffee importer. Start sucking up to Kiki NOW!
HOSPITAL
LIZ: I've got an early wedding present for you. Want me to go get it?
JAKE: Sure, why not. I'm going to take a little walk, to stretch my legs. Later, fiancee.
HAUNTED STAR
NATHAN: Hand me those cables, Maxie.
MAXIE: What's a cable?
NATHAN: Long, thick black wires with plugs on the end. Electric spaghetti, if you will.
MAXIE: Not until you agree to do one of two things: Either tell me your big secret OR agree to wear the costume I picked out for you.
NATHAN: And that costume would be...
MAXIE: That's MY secret.
LULU: So, cousin Val, you and Dillon?
VALERIE: Well, you're with Dante. Maxie is with Nathan. Nikolas's castle creeps me out, and I don't know any other guys in this town. Besides, Dillon's not THAT bad of a consolation prize. I hope he feels the same way about me.
DANTE: Dammit, Dillon, can't you keep your flippin' trap shut?
DILLON: Dammit, Dante, can't you keep your pants on? That was TOO EASY! Stay out of my grill and I'll stay out of yours. Deal?
HOSPITAL
JAKE: I need my medical records to find out who the hell I am. Send them to this email address: jackal@godofcyberspace.net.
RECEPTIONIST: Oooooookay.
LIZ: Here it is!
JAKE: "Mr. and Mrs. Jake Doe" You're awfully excited to be a Doe, aren't you?
LIZ: You won't BELIEVE how much stuff I got monogrammed. Let's find an empty room and go make out.
JAKE: Seeing how few patients are actually IN this hospital, that shouldn't be too hard.
FRANCO/NINA/KIKI'S APARTMENT
MORGAN: What the hell, Kiki? Are you high? "Too busy having sex with Kiki?" PFFFFFFT! Good luck with THAT now that you pissed me off.
KIKI: GO AWAY, Morgan! And don't you come back no more, no more, no more!
AVA: Kiki, can you un-disown me so I can keep Avery? You remember Avery, right? Adorable, chatty, about to turn a year old?
KIKI: GO AWAY, MOM! And don't you come back no more no more no more!
FLOATING RIB
DARBY: So, what is it with you and that Kiki chick? She sounds kind of...unhinged.
MORGAN: Well, I kinda cheated on her with her mom, the art lady and she's deciding how pissed at me she wants to be. Some days are better than others.
SPINELLI: The Jackal. Has. Conquered. The. Interwebs.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Do I Have Donald Trump Hair?
This blog is officially one year old today! The unofficial anniversary was the 17th, but one year ago today, General Hilarity began here as Carly and Franco's non-wedding was about to happen, along with Nina's cray-cray needle rampage on Ava. Heather was on the loose from the loony bin. Jake was in the hospital with a new face. Sam dressed like a tree for Fake Halloween...
...A year later, Maxie withholds Nina's check until Dillon spills the beans on Dante. Paul has some questions for Anna. Monica finds out she is going to be a great-grandmother. Hayden essentially invites herself to Liz & Jake's wedding. Nikolas confronts Sam at The Floating Rib. Sam and Lucas meet their baby brother.
HAUNTED STAR
MAXIE: I have something you want and you're not gonna get it unless you give me the dirt on Dante.
DILLON: Holy Crap! Look at the size of that...CHECK! Okay, maybe I'll tell you the dirty, scandalous truth about your bestie's hubby. But first, check out this footage.
MAXIE: OMG! Why do I have DONALD TRUMP HAIR????
DILLON: I don't know. Have you ever thought of running for President?
ANNA'S HOUSE (I THINK???)
EMMA: How do you like this costume, Grandma?
ANNA: You make an adorable...who was that cartoon woman with the blue hair?
PAUL: Marge Simpson?
ANNA: Yes, her. What are you doing in my brand new home, D.A. Hornsby?
EMMA: Stranger Danger!
PAUL: I'm Paul. Nice to meet you, Marge--I mean Emma.
EMMA: Okay, now you're not a stranger anymore. I've got another costume to show you, Grandma.
PAUL: We need to talk about you and that box full of Carrrrrrrrrrlos.
ANNA: You see, I'm not so sure that box is full of Carrrrrrrrrlos. I think it's full of someone else you prematurely cremated.
PAUL: I think you know the box was not full of Carrrrrrrrrrlos for another reason.
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: What gives, Sabrina? Why u no marry me?
SABRINA: Because I don't do shotgun weddings. Besides, my friend Elizabeth that I forgot was my friend is getting married and I don't want to steal her thunder.
FLOATING RIB
NIKOLAS: Sam, you've been a very, VERY bad cousin, getting all up in my business and causing Spencer's favorite gargoyle to fall to his untimely demise.
SAM: Hey CUZ, at least I didn't run a DNA TEST on Jake behind his back. It's not like you to steal some dude's toothbrush.
NIKOLAS: We Cassadines have more sophisticated ways to obtain DNA, like pulling freeze-dried hair.
ALEXIS'S HOUSE
JULIAN: Sam, Lucas, meet your baby brother Leo! He lives! And I even changed his diaper.
ALEXIS: Sort of.
SAM: He's very cute, but how am I going to explain to Danny that this tiny little guy is his uncle?
LUCAS: Uncle Leo. Now where have I heard that before?
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: Hey punk! Are you ZOOMING my wife?
DILLON: Hey cheater! Ever heard of editing?
DANTE: Since when was my wife in your movie?
DILLON: You're being such a toolbox that I'm gonna march over to Lulu and tell her that you're cheating scum. Hey LULU!
Q MANSION
TRACY: Guess what, Monica? Michael and Sabrina are going to have a BABY! You're going to be a GREAT-GRANDMOTHER!
MONICA: A BABY? AJ's grandchild? Hallelujah, the Quatermaines live on!
TRACY: So, Michael, are you and Sabrina going to make this baby legit or what?
MICHAEL: Sabrina here doesn't do shotgun weddings, so we're going to wait.
FLOATING RIB
HAYDEN: Am I your girlfriend, Nikolas? I'm kind of thinking you might be my Sweet Baboo.
NIKOLAS: Somehow, I cannot envision myself being anyone's Baboo, sweet or otherwise.
HAYDEN: But can I at least come to the wedding?
NIKOLAS: You mean the one between two people who hate you?
HAYDEN: But I want us to be PORT CHUCKLES OFFICIAL!
NIKOLAS: Fine, but just don't call me your Sweet Baboo in public.
ALEXIS'S HOUSE
JULIAN: See, Olivia? Safe home, check. Loving family, check. Crapload of toys, check. Father who knows how to change diapers...well, we're working on that one.
OLIVIA: Me being totally comfortable with Leo being in your orbit...still working on that one too, but you make a good case, Julian.
...A year later, Maxie withholds Nina's check until Dillon spills the beans on Dante. Paul has some questions for Anna. Monica finds out she is going to be a great-grandmother. Hayden essentially invites herself to Liz & Jake's wedding. Nikolas confronts Sam at The Floating Rib. Sam and Lucas meet their baby brother.
HAUNTED STAR
MAXIE: I have something you want and you're not gonna get it unless you give me the dirt on Dante.
DILLON: Holy Crap! Look at the size of that...CHECK! Okay, maybe I'll tell you the dirty, scandalous truth about your bestie's hubby. But first, check out this footage.
MAXIE: OMG! Why do I have DONALD TRUMP HAIR????
DILLON: I don't know. Have you ever thought of running for President?
ANNA'S HOUSE (I THINK???)
EMMA: How do you like this costume, Grandma?
ANNA: You make an adorable...who was that cartoon woman with the blue hair?
PAUL: Marge Simpson?
ANNA: Yes, her. What are you doing in my brand new home, D.A. Hornsby?
EMMA: Stranger Danger!
PAUL: I'm Paul. Nice to meet you, Marge--I mean Emma.
EMMA: Okay, now you're not a stranger anymore. I've got another costume to show you, Grandma.
PAUL: We need to talk about you and that box full of Carrrrrrrrrrlos.
ANNA: You see, I'm not so sure that box is full of Carrrrrrrrrlos. I think it's full of someone else you prematurely cremated.
PAUL: I think you know the box was not full of Carrrrrrrrrrlos for another reason.
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: What gives, Sabrina? Why u no marry me?
SABRINA: Because I don't do shotgun weddings. Besides, my friend Elizabeth that I forgot was my friend is getting married and I don't want to steal her thunder.
FLOATING RIB
NIKOLAS: Sam, you've been a very, VERY bad cousin, getting all up in my business and causing Spencer's favorite gargoyle to fall to his untimely demise.
SAM: Hey CUZ, at least I didn't run a DNA TEST on Jake behind his back. It's not like you to steal some dude's toothbrush.
NIKOLAS: We Cassadines have more sophisticated ways to obtain DNA, like pulling freeze-dried hair.
ALEXIS'S HOUSE
JULIAN: Sam, Lucas, meet your baby brother Leo! He lives! And I even changed his diaper.
ALEXIS: Sort of.
SAM: He's very cute, but how am I going to explain to Danny that this tiny little guy is his uncle?
LUCAS: Uncle Leo. Now where have I heard that before?
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: Hey punk! Are you ZOOMING my wife?
DILLON: Hey cheater! Ever heard of editing?
DANTE: Since when was my wife in your movie?
DILLON: You're being such a toolbox that I'm gonna march over to Lulu and tell her that you're cheating scum. Hey LULU!
Q MANSION
TRACY: Guess what, Monica? Michael and Sabrina are going to have a BABY! You're going to be a GREAT-GRANDMOTHER!
MONICA: A BABY? AJ's grandchild? Hallelujah, the Quatermaines live on!
TRACY: So, Michael, are you and Sabrina going to make this baby legit or what?
MICHAEL: Sabrina here doesn't do shotgun weddings, so we're going to wait.
FLOATING RIB
HAYDEN: Am I your girlfriend, Nikolas? I'm kind of thinking you might be my Sweet Baboo.
NIKOLAS: Somehow, I cannot envision myself being anyone's Baboo, sweet or otherwise.
HAYDEN: But can I at least come to the wedding?
NIKOLAS: You mean the one between two people who hate you?
HAYDEN: But I want us to be PORT CHUCKLES OFFICIAL!
NIKOLAS: Fine, but just don't call me your Sweet Baboo in public.
ALEXIS'S HOUSE
JULIAN: See, Olivia? Safe home, check. Loving family, check. Crapload of toys, check. Father who knows how to change diapers...well, we're working on that one.
OLIVIA: Me being totally comfortable with Leo being in your orbit...still working on that one too, but you make a good case, Julian.
Monday, October 26, 2015
Grandma Carly?
Carly is taken aback when Michael announces that he put a bun in Sabrina's oven. Dr. Lee gives Dante & Lulu a reality check about implanting their embryo. Diane gets Spinelli out of a tight spot. Liz does damage control when Little Jake insists that Big Jake is his father. Jake worries to Sam about what sort of scary criminal he might have been in his previous life.
SONNY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
SONNY: You and Sabrina are having a kid? High five, Mikey boy! The more Corinthoses, the merrier.
CARLY: (to herself) Holy CRAP, I'm going to be a friggin' GRANDMOTHER! (to Michael and Sabrina) So, you're really going to have a baby? Don't rush into this being a father thing.
DR. LEE'S OFFICE
DR. LEE: Here's the deal about planting your embryo into your uterus: Number one, it could be a defective one, possibly with three heads. Number two, even if it's a good one, your uterus may not like it. Number three. Some dude with a drug problem and an angry Cassadine breathing down his neck could run you off the road.
DANTE: Those are some good points, doc.
LULU: All that stuff can happen? Seriously? I thought my uterus was A-okay now that you fixed it.
PCPD
JORDAN: Listen "Jackal," you're in a lot of trouble. I'm going to report you to the NSA.
SPINELLI: Madam Commissioner, are you endeavoring to say that the federal government of the United States of America will be prosecuting The Jackal to the fullest extent of the law?
SAM: Hey, Spinelli, I brought some super glue to keep your mouth shut until Diane shows up.
DIANE: Diane Miller at your service! Mr. Spinelli is INNOCENT, Commissioner. Does this look like the face of a hardened cybercriminal?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LI'L JAKE: Jake IS my daddy because you and Grandma said he was.
LIZ: Poor, confused Jakey! Your grandma and me were just speaking in tongues. You misunderstood what we said because they don't teach tongues on Cassadine Island.
LI'L JAKE: Whatever, Mom. Jake is my father and he's only mine, not Cam's or Aiden's, SO THERE!
HOSPITAL LOBBY
SABRINA: I'm sorry we kinda blurted out my pregnancy news. Michael just wanted to cheer his dad up.
CARLY: Hey, I can totally deal with being a...being a...with my favoritest son being a father.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
DIANE: What's UP with the two of you, hacking into hospital computers and getting into all sorts of crazy trouble for some random guy who can't remember his own name?
SAM: Jake is my friend. Spinelli is also my friend and he is the Jackal of the interwebs, so I thought one friend could help another. Simple as that.
DIANE: Oh really? What does your fiance think of your getting all up in Mr. Doe's beeswax?
SAM: Patrick is totally cool with it. If not, he wouldn't have gotten me this rock.
DR. LEE'S OFFICE
DANTE: Maybe we should reconsider this whole embryo defrosting thing. Sometimes stuff just doesn't defrost right. Take microwave dinners for example. You know how sometimes there's a cold spot in the middle that tastes disgusting? Something like that could happen to our embryo. Well, maybe not EXACTLY like that, but why set ourselves up for disappointment?
LULU: How the hell else are we going to have that second child and give Rocco some company for the times we forget he exists? It's my uterus and I'll plop and embryo in there if I want to.
SONNY'S ROOM
SONNY: Michael, you gotta make an honest woman outta Sabrina and marry her.
MICHAEL: Aren't we a little overbooked for weddings in this town these days?
PIER 54
JAKE: What if I was a serial killer in my previous life, Sam? I can't marry Uhlizabeth knowing that I'm capable of going on a killing spree at any moment.
SAM: I seriously doubt THAT. You're too nice a guy and serial killers usually don't worry about their criminal past like you do. That is, if you even HAVE a criminal past. Spinelli and I will get to the bottom of this, Jake.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
JORDAN: You're free, Mr. Spinelli, FOR NOW. No more Jackal capers with the hospital mainframe, okay? The NSA are on the top of my contacts list.
SPINELLI: Sincerest thanks, Madam Commissioner. I am most grateful for your understanding.
SONNY'S ROOM
SONNY: So, I told Michael to do the honorable thing and marry Sabrina.
CARLY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! They're not even in love! They don't have the PASSION that you and I have. They don't love each other and hate each other in all the ways two people with our ENDLESS PASSION can love and hate each other.
SONNY: So did Olivia lend you her psychic powers now that she ain't usin' 'em anymore?
SONNY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
SONNY: You and Sabrina are having a kid? High five, Mikey boy! The more Corinthoses, the merrier.
CARLY: (to herself) Holy CRAP, I'm going to be a friggin' GRANDMOTHER! (to Michael and Sabrina) So, you're really going to have a baby? Don't rush into this being a father thing.
DR. LEE'S OFFICE
DR. LEE: Here's the deal about planting your embryo into your uterus: Number one, it could be a defective one, possibly with three heads. Number two, even if it's a good one, your uterus may not like it. Number three. Some dude with a drug problem and an angry Cassadine breathing down his neck could run you off the road.
DANTE: Those are some good points, doc.
LULU: All that stuff can happen? Seriously? I thought my uterus was A-okay now that you fixed it.
PCPD
JORDAN: Listen "Jackal," you're in a lot of trouble. I'm going to report you to the NSA.
SPINELLI: Madam Commissioner, are you endeavoring to say that the federal government of the United States of America will be prosecuting The Jackal to the fullest extent of the law?
SAM: Hey, Spinelli, I brought some super glue to keep your mouth shut until Diane shows up.
DIANE: Diane Miller at your service! Mr. Spinelli is INNOCENT, Commissioner. Does this look like the face of a hardened cybercriminal?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LI'L JAKE: Jake IS my daddy because you and Grandma said he was.
LIZ: Poor, confused Jakey! Your grandma and me were just speaking in tongues. You misunderstood what we said because they don't teach tongues on Cassadine Island.
LI'L JAKE: Whatever, Mom. Jake is my father and he's only mine, not Cam's or Aiden's, SO THERE!
HOSPITAL LOBBY
SABRINA: I'm sorry we kinda blurted out my pregnancy news. Michael just wanted to cheer his dad up.
CARLY: Hey, I can totally deal with being a...being a...with my favoritest son being a father.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
DIANE: What's UP with the two of you, hacking into hospital computers and getting into all sorts of crazy trouble for some random guy who can't remember his own name?
SAM: Jake is my friend. Spinelli is also my friend and he is the Jackal of the interwebs, so I thought one friend could help another. Simple as that.
DIANE: Oh really? What does your fiance think of your getting all up in Mr. Doe's beeswax?
SAM: Patrick is totally cool with it. If not, he wouldn't have gotten me this rock.
DR. LEE'S OFFICE
DANTE: Maybe we should reconsider this whole embryo defrosting thing. Sometimes stuff just doesn't defrost right. Take microwave dinners for example. You know how sometimes there's a cold spot in the middle that tastes disgusting? Something like that could happen to our embryo. Well, maybe not EXACTLY like that, but why set ourselves up for disappointment?
LULU: How the hell else are we going to have that second child and give Rocco some company for the times we forget he exists? It's my uterus and I'll plop and embryo in there if I want to.
SONNY'S ROOM
SONNY: Michael, you gotta make an honest woman outta Sabrina and marry her.
MICHAEL: Aren't we a little overbooked for weddings in this town these days?
PIER 54
JAKE: What if I was a serial killer in my previous life, Sam? I can't marry Uhlizabeth knowing that I'm capable of going on a killing spree at any moment.
SAM: I seriously doubt THAT. You're too nice a guy and serial killers usually don't worry about their criminal past like you do. That is, if you even HAVE a criminal past. Spinelli and I will get to the bottom of this, Jake.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
JORDAN: You're free, Mr. Spinelli, FOR NOW. No more Jackal capers with the hospital mainframe, okay? The NSA are on the top of my contacts list.
SPINELLI: Sincerest thanks, Madam Commissioner. I am most grateful for your understanding.
SONNY'S ROOM
SONNY: So, I told Michael to do the honorable thing and marry Sabrina.
CARLY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! They're not even in love! They don't have the PASSION that you and I have. They don't love each other and hate each other in all the ways two people with our ENDLESS PASSION can love and hate each other.
SONNY: So did Olivia lend you her psychic powers now that she ain't usin' 'em anymore?
Friday, October 23, 2015
A Box Full Of Carrrrrrrrlos?
Sabrina and Jordan see red when they find out that Paul had Carrrrrrrrrlos cremated. Anna wants to see Carrrrrrrrrlos's autopsy report. Liz is surprised by a bridal shower at the hospital. Spinelli unwittingly upsets Sonny with his gift of a bocce ball. Patrick gives Sam a non-edible engagement ring. Laura is rattled when Little Jake pushes Cameron. The hospital is onto Spinelli's breach of their mainframe.
PAUL'S OFFICE
SABRINA: What did you do with Carrrrrrrrrrlos's body?
PAUL: In the interest of space-saving in the morgue, I had him cremated.
SABRINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
MORGUE
ANNA: I want to see Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos's body.
JORDAN: Are you looking for confirmation that he's dead?
ANNA: Something like that.
JORDAN: Here he is...not. What the????
HOSPITAL
SPINELLI: Gracious greetings, Paralyzed Godfather. I come bearing gifts.
SONNY: Spinelli, you shouldn't have. (sees bocce ball) What the hell's this?
SPINELLI: Why, it is a bocce ball, sir. You see, sir, bocce is a game that does not require the functioning of one's lower body.
SONNY: You couldn't just get me a flux capacitor so I could go back to September 2 and get myself unshot?
OBRECHT: Do you have one of zose Snickers bars, Nurse Vebber? Zis performance review vill take a avhile. It could take up to 11 hours.
FELIX, EPIPHANY, & CO: SURPRISE!
LIZ: OMG! You guys did this for little ol' ME?
FELIX: Hell yeah we did this for you, girlfriend!
EPIPHANY: Do we know how to throw a party in a hospital or what?
SPINELLI: I am afraid my gesture of kindness made the fallen Mr. Sir. feel most melancholy.
CARLY: Don't worry, Spinelli. Sonny's in a mood. What brings you to town?
SPINELLI: I am assisting fair Samantha and her companion, one Jake Doe in an investigation of utmost importance.
PAUL'S OFFICE
SABRINA: How am I supposed to tell Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos's parents that he's been cremated?
PAUL: Yeah, good luck with that. Sorry 'bout the mix-up.
MORGUE
ANNA: Sabrina, is that Carrrrrrrrrrlos in that box? I am so sorry for your loss.
SABRINA: Save it. You hated Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos because he killed Duke.
PAUL'S OFFICE
JORDAN: What the hell, D.A. Hornsby????? You had Carrrrrrrrrrlos cremated? What part of "Don't go over the Police Commissioner's Head" do you not understand?
PAUL: Donald, the M.E. already did the autopsy and he was taking up space in the morgue, so it had to be done.
JORDAN: May I see the autopsy report?
MORGUE
ANNA: Donald, may I see the autopsy report on Carrrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrrrrriverrrrrrrra?
DONALD, THE M.E.: Sure thing Commiss--Wait a minute, you're not the Commissioner anymore Ms. Devane. No can do.
ANNA: Pretty please, Donald. I need to make sure he's...in fact deceased.
DONALD: You saw the box, didn't you? Fine, I'll go dig it up.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
PATRICK: Lookee here, Sam! A ring that has zero calories and no sugar!
SAM: OMG! How many brain surgeries did you have to do to pay for that rock?
PATRICK: If the ring fits...
LIZ'S HOUSE
CAMERON: Hey Jake, check out my Halloween costume.
LITTLE JAKE: Halloween is a plebeian festival for tedious peasants. Begone, pagan fool! (pushes Cameron)
CAMERON: What the...AAAAAGGGGHHHH! What's wrong with you, Jake?
LAURA: What in heaven's name happened here?
CAMERON: You might want to explain Halloween to this one (points at Jake)
LAURA: Jake?
LITTLE JAKE: Cam is a plebe. (runs upstairs)
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Patrick, you came! Do you want to be my maid of...I mean man of honor...I mean best person...at my wedding?
JAKE: Say, Carly, how about being my best maid of honor person at my wedding?
MICHAEL: Hey Dad, the cops think you sent someone to off Carlos. I think it was Julian and Ava covering their asses. We gotta do something about the Jeromes.
SONNY: There's no WE, Michael. Stay outta my business and THAT'S AN ORDER!
SABRINA: Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up a box full of Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. I'm never going to a morgue AGAIN. By the way, Michael knows about the baby. He's happy.
FELIX: Try to contain your unbridled joy, Bri.
MICHAEL: Hey, Sabrina. I need you come with me to Sonny's room so we can tell him he's gonna be a grandpa again.
MICHAEL: Hey, Dad. Sabrina and I have some really huge news. You're gonna become a grandpa again. Sabrina's got a little Corinthos in the oven!
RANDOM DOCTOR: Dr. Obrecht, we've been hacked.
DR. OBRECHT: Grosslage Einzellagen! Ve must call ze police AT ONCE!
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
SPINELLI: And now, I shall reverse-engineer Jake Doe's face and see if he is, once and for all, a stone-cold hired assassin with a heart of gold.
JORDAN: Not so fast. Damien Spinelli, you are under arrest.
SAM: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LAURA: There's been an incident, Elizabeth. Little Jake pushed Cameron and called him some names I can only assume he heard on Cassadine Island. I think he needs to be...deprogrammed.
LIZ: I'll look into it.
JAKE: What happened today, kiddo?
LITTLE JAKE: I know you are my daddy.
LIZ: (to self) OMG OMG OMG! Must...breathe...must...breathe...I AM SO SCREWED! MY LIFE IS OVER!
MORGUE
ANNA: It doesn't add up! No chest wounds and I shot him FOUR TIMES there while screaming at him to go to hell. Maybe that box was not full of Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos after all.
PAUL'S OFFICE
SABRINA: What did you do with Carrrrrrrrrrlos's body?
PAUL: In the interest of space-saving in the morgue, I had him cremated.
SABRINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
MORGUE
ANNA: I want to see Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos's body.
JORDAN: Are you looking for confirmation that he's dead?
ANNA: Something like that.
JORDAN: Here he is...not. What the????
HOSPITAL
SPINELLI: Gracious greetings, Paralyzed Godfather. I come bearing gifts.
SONNY: Spinelli, you shouldn't have. (sees bocce ball) What the hell's this?
SPINELLI: Why, it is a bocce ball, sir. You see, sir, bocce is a game that does not require the functioning of one's lower body.
SONNY: You couldn't just get me a flux capacitor so I could go back to September 2 and get myself unshot?
OBRECHT: Do you have one of zose Snickers bars, Nurse Vebber? Zis performance review vill take a avhile. It could take up to 11 hours.
FELIX, EPIPHANY, & CO: SURPRISE!
LIZ: OMG! You guys did this for little ol' ME?
FELIX: Hell yeah we did this for you, girlfriend!
EPIPHANY: Do we know how to throw a party in a hospital or what?
SPINELLI: I am afraid my gesture of kindness made the fallen Mr. Sir. feel most melancholy.
CARLY: Don't worry, Spinelli. Sonny's in a mood. What brings you to town?
SPINELLI: I am assisting fair Samantha and her companion, one Jake Doe in an investigation of utmost importance.
PAUL'S OFFICE
SABRINA: How am I supposed to tell Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos's parents that he's been cremated?
PAUL: Yeah, good luck with that. Sorry 'bout the mix-up.
MORGUE
ANNA: Sabrina, is that Carrrrrrrrrrlos in that box? I am so sorry for your loss.
SABRINA: Save it. You hated Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos because he killed Duke.
PAUL'S OFFICE
JORDAN: What the hell, D.A. Hornsby????? You had Carrrrrrrrrrlos cremated? What part of "Don't go over the Police Commissioner's Head" do you not understand?
PAUL: Donald, the M.E. already did the autopsy and he was taking up space in the morgue, so it had to be done.
JORDAN: May I see the autopsy report?
MORGUE
ANNA: Donald, may I see the autopsy report on Carrrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrrrrriverrrrrrrra?
DONALD, THE M.E.: Sure thing Commiss--Wait a minute, you're not the Commissioner anymore Ms. Devane. No can do.
ANNA: Pretty please, Donald. I need to make sure he's...in fact deceased.
DONALD: You saw the box, didn't you? Fine, I'll go dig it up.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
PATRICK: Lookee here, Sam! A ring that has zero calories and no sugar!
SAM: OMG! How many brain surgeries did you have to do to pay for that rock?
PATRICK: If the ring fits...
LIZ'S HOUSE
CAMERON: Hey Jake, check out my Halloween costume.
LITTLE JAKE: Halloween is a plebeian festival for tedious peasants. Begone, pagan fool! (pushes Cameron)
CAMERON: What the...AAAAAGGGGHHHH! What's wrong with you, Jake?
LAURA: What in heaven's name happened here?
CAMERON: You might want to explain Halloween to this one (points at Jake)
LAURA: Jake?
LITTLE JAKE: Cam is a plebe. (runs upstairs)
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Patrick, you came! Do you want to be my maid of...I mean man of honor...I mean best person...at my wedding?
JAKE: Say, Carly, how about being my best maid of honor person at my wedding?
MICHAEL: Hey Dad, the cops think you sent someone to off Carlos. I think it was Julian and Ava covering their asses. We gotta do something about the Jeromes.
SONNY: There's no WE, Michael. Stay outta my business and THAT'S AN ORDER!
SABRINA: Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up a box full of Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. I'm never going to a morgue AGAIN. By the way, Michael knows about the baby. He's happy.
FELIX: Try to contain your unbridled joy, Bri.
MICHAEL: Hey, Sabrina. I need you come with me to Sonny's room so we can tell him he's gonna be a grandpa again.
MICHAEL: Hey, Dad. Sabrina and I have some really huge news. You're gonna become a grandpa again. Sabrina's got a little Corinthos in the oven!
RANDOM DOCTOR: Dr. Obrecht, we've been hacked.
DR. OBRECHT: Grosslage Einzellagen! Ve must call ze police AT ONCE!
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
SPINELLI: And now, I shall reverse-engineer Jake Doe's face and see if he is, once and for all, a stone-cold hired assassin with a heart of gold.
JORDAN: Not so fast. Damien Spinelli, you are under arrest.
SAM: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LAURA: There's been an incident, Elizabeth. Little Jake pushed Cameron and called him some names I can only assume he heard on Cassadine Island. I think he needs to be...deprogrammed.
LIZ: I'll look into it.
JAKE: What happened today, kiddo?
LITTLE JAKE: I know you are my daddy.
LIZ: (to self) OMG OMG OMG! Must...breathe...must...breathe...I AM SO SCREWED! MY LIFE IS OVER!
MORGUE
ANNA: It doesn't add up! No chest wounds and I shot him FOUR TIMES there while screaming at him to go to hell. Maybe that box was not full of Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos after all.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Free Fallin'
Sonny's recovery hits a low point when he falls down trying to get up from his wheelchair. Lulu sees tension between her mother and Nikolas. Liz panics when Nikolas tells her that Jake is investigating his past. Jake is frustrated by another dead end in his search. Julian and Olivia come to an understanding concerning Baby Uncle Leo.
HOSPITAL
SONNY: I'm goin' home if I have to walk outta here myself! (tries to get up from his wheelchair and falls to floor)
CARLY: SONNY!
SONNY: I've fallen and I can't get up! I don't wanna get up! If I lay here. If I just lay here. I don't want anyone laying with me to just forget the world. That's up to me, Sonny GODDAMN Corinthos, the sad son of a bitch on the hospital floor!
MORGAN: (to self) And everyone thinks I was becoming unhinged.
CARLY: Patrick, can you peel my husband off the floor?
PATRICK & SAM'S HOUSE
SPINELLI: Eureka! I have happened upon a single result for Jake Doe in the lab's mainframe.
SAM: Let's see it.
SPINELLI: Alas, the file was expunged from the database on July 9.
SAM: Dammit, Nikolas!
JAKE: Screw you, Spaghetti! Screw this whole search for who the hell I am! I just don't give a crap anymore!
HOSPITAL
NIKOLAS: Heads up, Liz: Your fiance and his bestie Sam have been snooping around Wyndemere trying to dig up his true identity.
LIZ: OMG! OMG! I am SO SCREWED! That's why I BANNED him from hanging out with that nosy snoopypants Sam. What am I going to DO, Nikolas?
NIKOLAS: I don't know, Liz. Come clean to him for all I care.
LIZ: When hell freezes over.
NIKOLAS: Then you'd better keep an eye on him 24/7. I hear Franco knows of a place you can procure a wearable spycam. It's hideous, but effective.
KELLY'S
LULU: Remember Rocco? If not, don't feel so bad. We forget he exists half the time.
LAURA: I kind of remembering you having a little boy. He sure is cute.
LULU: Glad you think so because Dante and I are ready to have another one. We figure it may be easier for us to remember we have kids if there's more than one of them.
NIKOLAS: Well, if it isn't my lovely mother and sister and my nephew who my lying ex-fiance carried for nine months.
LAURA: Hello, Nikolas.
LULU: Did you guys have a fight?
LAURA: (to herself) No, Nikolas just wants me to keep a life-altering secret from a man who has lost his memory, that's all.
METROCOURT
JULIAN: Hand over the kid, Olivia.
OLIVIA: Security! Please escort this disturbance from my hotel. He's trying to kidnap MY BABY!
ALEXIS: Julian, Julian, Julian! Am I going to have to send you to your room without your dinner? I told you NOT to come here and terrorize Olivia.
JULIAN: But that's WAY more fun than waiting to go to court!
ALEXIS: Have you ever tried using your inside voice?
JULIAN: Fine. Olivia, I'm sorry I tried to rip Leo from your arms. That was very mobster of me and I promise I am not a mobster anymore.
OLIVIA: I'm sorry I made you think Leo was dead.
JULIAN: Do you think we could be be good little parents and try sharing out toy truck--I mean our kid?
OLIVIA: Okay, as long as you promise you won't let him around any bad guys with guns.
JULIAN: I pinky swear.
HOSPITAL
SONNY: I'm a broken man, Carly.
CARLY: But you're MY broken man, Sonny. And if you do physical therapy, you'll be less broken.
MICHAEL: We're all here for you, Dad.
MORGAN: Think of all the stuff you can still do in a wheelchair like throw barware. Your arms still work.
SONNY: I want you two boys to promise me not to do any mobbing. Leave that to Max.
MICHAEL: But Daaaaad, it was so cool sitting down with the Five Families.
SONNY: Michael!
MICHAEL: Fine, I'll stay out of the business and settle for watching Scarface.
SAM AND PATRICK'S HOUSE
SAM: Jake may not want to be part of this investigation, but that doesn't mean we stop searching. Your mission, Spinelli, should you choose to accept it, is to hack into the GH mainframe and find Jake's medical records.
PATRICK: What are you two crazy kids up to?
SAM: Just trying to swipe Jake's medical file from the mainframe, right Jackal?
PATRICK: See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil (leaves the room)
SPINELLI: Here's an X-ray of his broken face after he was run over by a rather large sport utility vehicle.
SAM: Can you use your cyber-wizardry to reconstruct his face the way it was before the accident?
LIZ'S BEDROOM
LIZ: Why were you and Sam snooping around Wyndemere?
JAKE: We were trying to figure out who I am. How can I marry you if I don't know what my real last name is. Do you really want to be Elizabeth Doe?
LIZ: If that's what it takes for you to forget about your past, I don't give a crap what my last name will be. Let it go, Jake. Que sera sera.
JAKE: Since when do you speak Spanish?
HOSPITAL
SONNY: I'm goin' home if I have to walk outta here myself! (tries to get up from his wheelchair and falls to floor)
CARLY: SONNY!
SONNY: I've fallen and I can't get up! I don't wanna get up! If I lay here. If I just lay here. I don't want anyone laying with me to just forget the world. That's up to me, Sonny GODDAMN Corinthos, the sad son of a bitch on the hospital floor!
MORGAN: (to self) And everyone thinks I was becoming unhinged.
CARLY: Patrick, can you peel my husband off the floor?
PATRICK & SAM'S HOUSE
SPINELLI: Eureka! I have happened upon a single result for Jake Doe in the lab's mainframe.
SAM: Let's see it.
SPINELLI: Alas, the file was expunged from the database on July 9.
SAM: Dammit, Nikolas!
JAKE: Screw you, Spaghetti! Screw this whole search for who the hell I am! I just don't give a crap anymore!
HOSPITAL
NIKOLAS: Heads up, Liz: Your fiance and his bestie Sam have been snooping around Wyndemere trying to dig up his true identity.
LIZ: OMG! OMG! I am SO SCREWED! That's why I BANNED him from hanging out with that nosy snoopypants Sam. What am I going to DO, Nikolas?
NIKOLAS: I don't know, Liz. Come clean to him for all I care.
LIZ: When hell freezes over.
NIKOLAS: Then you'd better keep an eye on him 24/7. I hear Franco knows of a place you can procure a wearable spycam. It's hideous, but effective.
KELLY'S
LULU: Remember Rocco? If not, don't feel so bad. We forget he exists half the time.
LAURA: I kind of remembering you having a little boy. He sure is cute.
LULU: Glad you think so because Dante and I are ready to have another one. We figure it may be easier for us to remember we have kids if there's more than one of them.
NIKOLAS: Well, if it isn't my lovely mother and sister and my nephew who my lying ex-fiance carried for nine months.
LAURA: Hello, Nikolas.
LULU: Did you guys have a fight?
LAURA: (to herself) No, Nikolas just wants me to keep a life-altering secret from a man who has lost his memory, that's all.
METROCOURT
JULIAN: Hand over the kid, Olivia.
OLIVIA: Security! Please escort this disturbance from my hotel. He's trying to kidnap MY BABY!
ALEXIS: Julian, Julian, Julian! Am I going to have to send you to your room without your dinner? I told you NOT to come here and terrorize Olivia.
JULIAN: But that's WAY more fun than waiting to go to court!
ALEXIS: Have you ever tried using your inside voice?
JULIAN: Fine. Olivia, I'm sorry I tried to rip Leo from your arms. That was very mobster of me and I promise I am not a mobster anymore.
OLIVIA: I'm sorry I made you think Leo was dead.
JULIAN: Do you think we could be be good little parents and try sharing out toy truck--I mean our kid?
OLIVIA: Okay, as long as you promise you won't let him around any bad guys with guns.
JULIAN: I pinky swear.
HOSPITAL
SONNY: I'm a broken man, Carly.
CARLY: But you're MY broken man, Sonny. And if you do physical therapy, you'll be less broken.
MICHAEL: We're all here for you, Dad.
MORGAN: Think of all the stuff you can still do in a wheelchair like throw barware. Your arms still work.
SONNY: I want you two boys to promise me not to do any mobbing. Leave that to Max.
MICHAEL: But Daaaaad, it was so cool sitting down with the Five Families.
SONNY: Michael!
MICHAEL: Fine, I'll stay out of the business and settle for watching Scarface.
SAM AND PATRICK'S HOUSE
SAM: Jake may not want to be part of this investigation, but that doesn't mean we stop searching. Your mission, Spinelli, should you choose to accept it, is to hack into the GH mainframe and find Jake's medical records.
PATRICK: What are you two crazy kids up to?
SAM: Just trying to swipe Jake's medical file from the mainframe, right Jackal?
PATRICK: See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil (leaves the room)
SPINELLI: Here's an X-ray of his broken face after he was run over by a rather large sport utility vehicle.
SAM: Can you use your cyber-wizardry to reconstruct his face the way it was before the accident?
LIZ'S BEDROOM
LIZ: Why were you and Sam snooping around Wyndemere?
JAKE: We were trying to figure out who I am. How can I marry you if I don't know what my real last name is. Do you really want to be Elizabeth Doe?
LIZ: If that's what it takes for you to forget about your past, I don't give a crap what my last name will be. Let it go, Jake. Que sera sera.
JAKE: Since when do you speak Spanish?
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
I Want My Baby Back, Baby Back, Baby Back...
Alexis tells Julian that Leo is alive. Dante doesn't bite when Lulu offers him a chance to come clean. Sonny confronts Patrick about his diagnosis. Nina wants to become a better person and Franco urges Kiki to snap out of her funk. Nathan may have found a way to save Dillon's movie (and Maxie's acting career.
ALEXIS'S NEW HOUSE
ALEXIS: Guess what, Julian? Leo is ALIVE! I've got a little sheet of paper to prove it.
JULIAN: So THAT'S where my toothbrush-- Wait a minute. Hold the phone. Leo is ALIVE???? My son is not a pile of ashes and a hospital bracelet??? There's no Mateo?
ALEXIS: Mateo is a figment of Olivia's imagination. That baby, whose binky I snatched, along with your toothbrush, to run that DNA test, is your son Leo.
JULIAN: HOLY CRAP! I need to hunt Olivia down and get my baby back, like YESTERDAY!
ALEXIS: NOPE! You're going to wait until I file a court order.
JULIAN: Court order my ass! That's my kid and I've missed enough of his life already. He's what, four, five months old now? I'm going to get my son back if I have to rip him from Olivia's arms myself.
ALEXIS: Very. Bad. Idea. If you run over like a raving lunatic and snatch Leo away from Olivia, number one, that's kidnapping. Number two, you'll make yourself look like a hairy, scary mobster and prove her point.
JULIAN: I am NOT hairy!
FRANCO, NINA, & KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Feel how soft these sheets are, Franco. Feel how soft. A thousand thread count. That's a lot of threads, Franco. Let's have sex on these incredibly soft sheets.
KIKI: Blech!
NINA: Who asked you?
FRANCO: Hug, ladies. Don't slug.
PATRICK'S OFFICE
SONNY: Hey Dr. Doom, don't be spreading your bad doctor juju to my wife. I am going home where the healing vibrations will cure my paralysis. I read all about it on the interwebs.
PATRICK: Wake up and smell the physical therapy, Sonny. You have a long, arduous recovery ahead of you if you want to even think about walking again.
SONNY: (puts fingers in ears) La la la la la la la la
MICHAEL: Come on, Dad. Stop paddling down the river of Denial. Listen to Patrick and focus on your recovery.
CARLY: Michael's right. He always is. We're on your side, just like Channel 7.
METROCOURT LOBBY
MORGAN: Hi Olivia. Hi, stranger baby.
OLIVIA: Morgan, this is my adopted son Mateo.
BABY UNCLE LEO: (translated from Baby) It's Leo, goddamn it, Mommy! I'm Baby Uncle Leo. Like the guy on Seinfeld, only way younger and cuter.
MORGAN: That was the quickest adoption ever. Congrats, Olivia.
PCPD
NATHAN: You've got to 'fess up to Lulu, man. Maxie's been driving me nuts since she knows I'm keeping a secret from her.
DANTE: If only it were that easy.
LULU: Hello loving, perfect husband! I kicked Dillon off my boat.
MAXIE: To the detriment of my acting career. Now Dillon's movie is homeless and he refuses to take any more Q money.
NATHAN: Would he object to Reeves money? It's time we pay a visit to Nina at her new place, which is her ex-husband's old place where he died, but that's beside the point.
FRANCO, NINA, & KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: We are having a house party tonight. My brother Jay and his girlfriend Maxie are coming over for dinner.
KIKI: Bite me.
FRANCO: Now Kiki, I know you've got a much nicer Kiki buried under all that grief, rage, and angst. You know how I know that? Because I believe in you. Just like I believe in Nina.
KIKI: Fine, I'll make the eats.
FRANCO: That's the spirit!
PCPD
DANTE: My mom and Ned broke up. He didn't want to play a part in the Baby Mateo charade anymore.
LULU: Awww, poor Liv. It just goes to show how lies have a way of biting you in the ass when you least expect it. Not like YOU would tell me any lies now, would you?
DANTE: Me? Nah.
DANTE'S CONSCIENCE: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ALEXIS: I need to speak to a judge about a not-quite-dead baby sired by my boyfriend.
DANTE: (under his breath) CRAP!
METROCOURT LOBBY
JULIAN: Read this and weep, Olivia. This baby is MINE!
OLIVIA: Look Julian, I'm sorry I lied, but I had to keep my baby safe from the likes of YOU and your mobstery mobbishness.
JULIAN: If I were a teacher, I would have you stay after school and write on the chalkboard "Julian is no longer a mobster" five thousand times. You let me believe my kid was DEAD and nothing but ashes and a hospital bracelet. Then you tried to pass him off as an adopted replacement kid. How sick is THAT? I want my kid and I want him NOW!
OLIVIA: Fat chance, Julian. If you're out of the mob, I'm the queen of France.
JULIAN: Give. Me. My. Son. NOW!
FRANCO, NINA, AND KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Hello, Jay & Maxie. Welcome to my fabulous new abode that we're still working on un-haunting.
KIKI: I whipped up some finger foods for you. Sobriety has its benefits, at least to a point.
FRANCO: What do you want from your sister, Nathan?
NINA: Franco! Interrogating the guests is bad form. Really bad form.
NATHAN: Well, he isn't entirely off base, surprised as I am to hear myself say that. I do need some financial help from you, Nina. It's actually for Maxie and her friend who are shooting a movie and need more funds because they were kicked off of Lulu's boat.
NINA: Let me get my checkbook.
FRANCO: Aren't we quick to open the vault?
NINA: It's all part of Nina 2.0. I'm turning over a new leaf, Franco.
MAXIE: Thank you so much, Nina 2.0. Nice dress by the way. Cartullo?
NINA: IS there anyone else?
MAXIE: You go, girlfriend!
HOSPITAL
SONNY: Morgan, you've got to help me escape from Hospitalcatraz. My Sonny-ness is being stifled here. Hospital rooms are making me claustrophobic. I need to get home where the healing vibes will make my legs work again.
MORGAN: Sure, Dad. Whatever you say.
CARLY: Not so fast, Sonny. The only place YOU are going is to the rehab wing.
SONNY: Son of a bitch!
ALEXIS'S NEW HOUSE
ALEXIS: Dammit, Julian, do I need to chain you to this lovely new home you gave me?
ALEXIS'S NEW HOUSE
ALEXIS: Guess what, Julian? Leo is ALIVE! I've got a little sheet of paper to prove it.
JULIAN: So THAT'S where my toothbrush-- Wait a minute. Hold the phone. Leo is ALIVE???? My son is not a pile of ashes and a hospital bracelet??? There's no Mateo?
ALEXIS: Mateo is a figment of Olivia's imagination. That baby, whose binky I snatched, along with your toothbrush, to run that DNA test, is your son Leo.
JULIAN: HOLY CRAP! I need to hunt Olivia down and get my baby back, like YESTERDAY!
ALEXIS: NOPE! You're going to wait until I file a court order.
JULIAN: Court order my ass! That's my kid and I've missed enough of his life already. He's what, four, five months old now? I'm going to get my son back if I have to rip him from Olivia's arms myself.
ALEXIS: Very. Bad. Idea. If you run over like a raving lunatic and snatch Leo away from Olivia, number one, that's kidnapping. Number two, you'll make yourself look like a hairy, scary mobster and prove her point.
JULIAN: I am NOT hairy!
FRANCO, NINA, & KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Feel how soft these sheets are, Franco. Feel how soft. A thousand thread count. That's a lot of threads, Franco. Let's have sex on these incredibly soft sheets.
KIKI: Blech!
NINA: Who asked you?
FRANCO: Hug, ladies. Don't slug.
PATRICK'S OFFICE
SONNY: Hey Dr. Doom, don't be spreading your bad doctor juju to my wife. I am going home where the healing vibrations will cure my paralysis. I read all about it on the interwebs.
PATRICK: Wake up and smell the physical therapy, Sonny. You have a long, arduous recovery ahead of you if you want to even think about walking again.
SONNY: (puts fingers in ears) La la la la la la la la
MICHAEL: Come on, Dad. Stop paddling down the river of Denial. Listen to Patrick and focus on your recovery.
CARLY: Michael's right. He always is. We're on your side, just like Channel 7.
METROCOURT LOBBY
MORGAN: Hi Olivia. Hi, stranger baby.
OLIVIA: Morgan, this is my adopted son Mateo.
BABY UNCLE LEO: (translated from Baby) It's Leo, goddamn it, Mommy! I'm Baby Uncle Leo. Like the guy on Seinfeld, only way younger and cuter.
MORGAN: That was the quickest adoption ever. Congrats, Olivia.
PCPD
NATHAN: You've got to 'fess up to Lulu, man. Maxie's been driving me nuts since she knows I'm keeping a secret from her.
DANTE: If only it were that easy.
LULU: Hello loving, perfect husband! I kicked Dillon off my boat.
MAXIE: To the detriment of my acting career. Now Dillon's movie is homeless and he refuses to take any more Q money.
NATHAN: Would he object to Reeves money? It's time we pay a visit to Nina at her new place, which is her ex-husband's old place where he died, but that's beside the point.
FRANCO, NINA, & KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: We are having a house party tonight. My brother Jay and his girlfriend Maxie are coming over for dinner.
KIKI: Bite me.
FRANCO: Now Kiki, I know you've got a much nicer Kiki buried under all that grief, rage, and angst. You know how I know that? Because I believe in you. Just like I believe in Nina.
KIKI: Fine, I'll make the eats.
FRANCO: That's the spirit!
PCPD
DANTE: My mom and Ned broke up. He didn't want to play a part in the Baby Mateo charade anymore.
LULU: Awww, poor Liv. It just goes to show how lies have a way of biting you in the ass when you least expect it. Not like YOU would tell me any lies now, would you?
DANTE: Me? Nah.
DANTE'S CONSCIENCE: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ALEXIS: I need to speak to a judge about a not-quite-dead baby sired by my boyfriend.
DANTE: (under his breath) CRAP!
METROCOURT LOBBY
JULIAN: Read this and weep, Olivia. This baby is MINE!
OLIVIA: Look Julian, I'm sorry I lied, but I had to keep my baby safe from the likes of YOU and your mobstery mobbishness.
JULIAN: If I were a teacher, I would have you stay after school and write on the chalkboard "Julian is no longer a mobster" five thousand times. You let me believe my kid was DEAD and nothing but ashes and a hospital bracelet. Then you tried to pass him off as an adopted replacement kid. How sick is THAT? I want my kid and I want him NOW!
OLIVIA: Fat chance, Julian. If you're out of the mob, I'm the queen of France.
JULIAN: Give. Me. My. Son. NOW!
FRANCO, NINA, AND KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Hello, Jay & Maxie. Welcome to my fabulous new abode that we're still working on un-haunting.
KIKI: I whipped up some finger foods for you. Sobriety has its benefits, at least to a point.
FRANCO: What do you want from your sister, Nathan?
NINA: Franco! Interrogating the guests is bad form. Really bad form.
NATHAN: Well, he isn't entirely off base, surprised as I am to hear myself say that. I do need some financial help from you, Nina. It's actually for Maxie and her friend who are shooting a movie and need more funds because they were kicked off of Lulu's boat.
NINA: Let me get my checkbook.
FRANCO: Aren't we quick to open the vault?
NINA: It's all part of Nina 2.0. I'm turning over a new leaf, Franco.
MAXIE: Thank you so much, Nina 2.0. Nice dress by the way. Cartullo?
NINA: IS there anyone else?
MAXIE: You go, girlfriend!
HOSPITAL
SONNY: Morgan, you've got to help me escape from Hospitalcatraz. My Sonny-ness is being stifled here. Hospital rooms are making me claustrophobic. I need to get home where the healing vibes will make my legs work again.
MORGAN: Sure, Dad. Whatever you say.
CARLY: Not so fast, Sonny. The only place YOU are going is to the rehab wing.
SONNY: Son of a bitch!
ALEXIS'S NEW HOUSE
ALEXIS: Dammit, Julian, do I need to chain you to this lovely new home you gave me?
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Housewarming
Julian has a big and beautiful surprise for Alexis. Brad seeks Alexis's legal advice as he hands over the DNA results on Baby Uncle Leo's binky. Sonny has unrealistic expectations for his recovery and balks when Patrick attempts to give him a reality check. Anna has a session with the hospital's resident shrink Kevin Collins. Lulu kicks Dillon's movie production off the Haunted Star. Olivia tells Dante that she and Ned are over.
HOSPITAL
BRAD: Here are the results of Operation Binky Grab. Kinda badass of you to snatch a binky right out of a baby's mouth.
ALEXIS: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I didn't have to. The binky was left on the bar counter. It was too easy, really.
BRAD: So can you get me divorced from Rosalie without going to jail for a crime I'm not ready to tell you about yet?
ALEXIS: I can see not wanting to talk about it in a public place like this, but you're going to have to tell me what you did so I can free you from Rosalie.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: What's with the fake spiders and Halloween crap on my set?
LULU: It's MY GODDAMN BOAT and I'm kicking YOUR STUPID MOVIE out of here.
MAXIE: Hey, watch it, Lulu! My ACTING CAREER is tied to his stupid movie. No offense, Dillon.
DILLON: This is because I declared my unrequited love to you and kissed you, isn't it? I told you I was sorry.
LULU: No, it's because you trash-talked my husband. AND came on to me. AND kissed me. Go get your Tarantino on somewhere else.
DILLON: But I'm BROKE!
MAXIE: HELLO! What's your last name again?
DILLON: I'm not groveling for more Q cash for this movie, okay.
MAXIE: Fine, then crowdfund it on the interwebs and turn the Halloween party here into a benefit. Lulu would be happy to do that, right bestie?
LULU: I don't think so.
MAXIE: Don't do this for Dillon. Do it for ME! Your best friend in the ENTIRE WORLD!
HOSPITAL
SONNY: I'm itchin' to get outta this hospital bed, Max. Getting a little stir crazy in here.
MAX: Brought you some wedding cannolis. Maybe these'll cheer you up.
SONNY: So who went rogue and offed Rrrrrrriverrrrrrra?
MAX: I'll get on it.
SONNY: Thanks, Max. Oh, here's the doc to spring me from this joint.
PATRICK: No can do, I'm afraid.
SONNY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT? I gotta get outta here, Patrick! I've got business to do. Coffee to sell. Daughters to get back from female mobsters. I can't do this while I'm stuck in here with wires all up in my personal space.
PATRICK: If I send you home today, you could have another seizure and die.
SONNY: Or I could learn how to walk and become a whole man again. That can't happen while I'm stuck in here chained to a hospital bed.
JULIAN: Hey there, Lucas. How goes it with your wedding plans?
LUCAS: As soon as Brad can get himself out from under Rosalie, we're good to go.
JULIAN: Well, that's great news, son. I just want my kids to be happy. I know somewhere up there in the heavens, your baby brother is smiling down on us.
LUCAS: I really like this mob-free, enlightened version of you, Dad.
KEVIN COLLINS' OFFICE
KEVIN: Anna! Long time, no see. So sorry about Duke.
ANNA: Thank you, Kevin. I'm here because I keep seeing a ghost.
KEVIN: Is it Duke's ghost? If so, give him my best.
ANNA: It's not Duke. It's Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. The man who murdered Duke. The man who I...never mind.
KEVIN: You can tell me, Anna. Doctor-patient confidentiality, you know.
ANNA: I can't go two seconds without hearing gunshots and rolled R's. Carlos is stalking me from the afterlife and now I'm a crazy person and I HATE IT, Kevin. I HATE IT!
KEVIN: Here are some sleeping pills. Take some of these and call me in the morning.
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
OLIVIA: Ned dumped me, Dante. He didn't want to be part of my web of lies about Leo.
DANTE: I'm sorry, Ma. Where is Leo? Hopefully nowhere near Julian.
OLIVIA: Leo is safe. But for how long. I mean, Alexis seemed awfully suspicious the other day when I had him with me. I'm not sure she bought the Mateo story. By the way, one of his binkies is missing.
DANTE: Do you think it's safe to have him in The Chuckles?
OLIVIA: That's where my life is, Dante. It's where my family is. Speaking of family, you look tense. How are things with you and Lulu?
DANTE: Well, things were rocky for awhile but we're going to have another baby and I hope that will fix a lot of what's broken between us.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: (over phone) Is it done? I need to know if it's done. Thank you.
ALEXIS: Please tell me I didn't hear mob-speak from your end of that conversation.
JULIAN: Want to find out what I was talking about? Come with me.
ALEXIS'S NEW HOUSE
JULIAN: Remember how your old lake house blew up because of me? I got you a new one, but with a pool instead of a lake.
ALEXIS: This house is MINE?
JULIAN: Damn straight it is! And I'm about to throw you a housewarming party.
HOSPITAL
BRAD: Here are the results of Operation Binky Grab. Kinda badass of you to snatch a binky right out of a baby's mouth.
ALEXIS: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I didn't have to. The binky was left on the bar counter. It was too easy, really.
BRAD: So can you get me divorced from Rosalie without going to jail for a crime I'm not ready to tell you about yet?
ALEXIS: I can see not wanting to talk about it in a public place like this, but you're going to have to tell me what you did so I can free you from Rosalie.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: What's with the fake spiders and Halloween crap on my set?
LULU: It's MY GODDAMN BOAT and I'm kicking YOUR STUPID MOVIE out of here.
MAXIE: Hey, watch it, Lulu! My ACTING CAREER is tied to his stupid movie. No offense, Dillon.
DILLON: This is because I declared my unrequited love to you and kissed you, isn't it? I told you I was sorry.
LULU: No, it's because you trash-talked my husband. AND came on to me. AND kissed me. Go get your Tarantino on somewhere else.
DILLON: But I'm BROKE!
MAXIE: HELLO! What's your last name again?
DILLON: I'm not groveling for more Q cash for this movie, okay.
MAXIE: Fine, then crowdfund it on the interwebs and turn the Halloween party here into a benefit. Lulu would be happy to do that, right bestie?
LULU: I don't think so.
MAXIE: Don't do this for Dillon. Do it for ME! Your best friend in the ENTIRE WORLD!
HOSPITAL
SONNY: I'm itchin' to get outta this hospital bed, Max. Getting a little stir crazy in here.
MAX: Brought you some wedding cannolis. Maybe these'll cheer you up.
SONNY: So who went rogue and offed Rrrrrrriverrrrrrra?
MAX: I'll get on it.
SONNY: Thanks, Max. Oh, here's the doc to spring me from this joint.
PATRICK: No can do, I'm afraid.
SONNY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT? I gotta get outta here, Patrick! I've got business to do. Coffee to sell. Daughters to get back from female mobsters. I can't do this while I'm stuck in here with wires all up in my personal space.
PATRICK: If I send you home today, you could have another seizure and die.
SONNY: Or I could learn how to walk and become a whole man again. That can't happen while I'm stuck in here chained to a hospital bed.
JULIAN: Hey there, Lucas. How goes it with your wedding plans?
LUCAS: As soon as Brad can get himself out from under Rosalie, we're good to go.
JULIAN: Well, that's great news, son. I just want my kids to be happy. I know somewhere up there in the heavens, your baby brother is smiling down on us.
LUCAS: I really like this mob-free, enlightened version of you, Dad.
KEVIN COLLINS' OFFICE
KEVIN: Anna! Long time, no see. So sorry about Duke.
ANNA: Thank you, Kevin. I'm here because I keep seeing a ghost.
KEVIN: Is it Duke's ghost? If so, give him my best.
ANNA: It's not Duke. It's Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. The man who murdered Duke. The man who I...never mind.
KEVIN: You can tell me, Anna. Doctor-patient confidentiality, you know.
ANNA: I can't go two seconds without hearing gunshots and rolled R's. Carlos is stalking me from the afterlife and now I'm a crazy person and I HATE IT, Kevin. I HATE IT!
KEVIN: Here are some sleeping pills. Take some of these and call me in the morning.
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
OLIVIA: Ned dumped me, Dante. He didn't want to be part of my web of lies about Leo.
DANTE: I'm sorry, Ma. Where is Leo? Hopefully nowhere near Julian.
OLIVIA: Leo is safe. But for how long. I mean, Alexis seemed awfully suspicious the other day when I had him with me. I'm not sure she bought the Mateo story. By the way, one of his binkies is missing.
DANTE: Do you think it's safe to have him in The Chuckles?
OLIVIA: That's where my life is, Dante. It's where my family is. Speaking of family, you look tense. How are things with you and Lulu?
DANTE: Well, things were rocky for awhile but we're going to have another baby and I hope that will fix a lot of what's broken between us.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: (over phone) Is it done? I need to know if it's done. Thank you.
ALEXIS: Please tell me I didn't hear mob-speak from your end of that conversation.
JULIAN: Want to find out what I was talking about? Come with me.
ALEXIS'S NEW HOUSE
JULIAN: Remember how your old lake house blew up because of me? I got you a new one, but with a pool instead of a lake.
ALEXIS: This house is MINE?
JULIAN: Damn straight it is! And I'm about to throw you a housewarming party.
Monday, October 19, 2015
New Girl In Town
The late teen/early 20s scene just got a little more interesting. Molly's friend and PCU classmate Darby dropped by the Haunted Star and immediately zeroed in on Morgan, who was there to keep an eye on alcoholic-in-the-making Kiki. Poor Kiki really does need some Ghost Silas to give her some comfort/snap her out of her tailspin.
Ned comes back to town and promptly breaks up with Olivia. Baby Uncle Leo has been de-SORASed by a month or two, or recast with a slightly younger baby to reflect the fact that the little guy was, what, 3 months premature probably should look younger than his age. That and he looks more Italian than the Baby Uncle Leo #1. Molly throws some serious shade at Julian and gives her mother some food for thought. Sam and Spinelli reminisce about The Essence of Jason. Jake tries to strong-arm some truth out of Nikolas. Spencer grills his dad on Hayden. Michael learns he's going to be a father.
METROCOURT
ALEXIS: Why hello, my favorite Plan B. What's it like being a rock star's groupie dad?
NED: My fellow gatekeeper! Brook Lynn's tour is bringing back the old Eddie Maine memories. Remember Eddie's Angel?
ALEXIS: I have work to do.
OLIVIA: Hey there, Baby Leo. Sorry I spent so much time with that other baby, the one I was passing off as Mateo. I didn't mean to make you jealous.
BABY UNCLE LEO #2: (translated from Baby) No worries, Ma. As long as you're keeping me safe from my daddy, the big bad probably-not-former-mobster, we're cool. By the way, Mateo's a big-time drooler.
PIER 54
SPINELLI: I'm feeling something in the air tonight. It is the Essence of Jason. All of his atoms and molecules are among us, fair Samantha.
SAM: I should have known you meant Jason was with us in the metaphysical sense. After all, you are Damien Spinelli.
SPINELLI: Shall we commemorate his passing into another realm by gazing skyward and tracing his Stone Coldishness among the constellations?
SAM: OMG! It's a shooting star, Spinelli! That's Jason! I FEEL Jason!
HAUNTED STAR
KIKI: Can I have another round of...whatever it is I ordered? With extra booze this time.
BARTENDER: Hey, aren't you the chick that got banned from The Floating Rib? You're on our watch list, so be careful, and fork over the car keys.
KIKI: Bite me!
MORGAN: Hitting the hooch again, Keeks?
KIKI: Screw off, cheating ex-boyfriend who'd rather bang MY MOTHER!
WYNDEMERE
JAKE: I want answers, Nikolas. NOW! WHO THE BLOODY HELL AM I?
NIKOLAS: You are a very violent man with anger issues.
HAYDEN: Whoa, fake hubby! That's my BOSS you're going Anger Boy on.
JAKE: I know you know who I am, Nikolas. You ran my DNA. I. WANT. ANSWERS. NOW!!!!
NIKOLAS: You're the same frustrated amnesiac you were when you woke up from being run over by an SUV, now get lost or I'll release my grandmother from exile. She knows where you live.
METROCOURT
JULIAN: Let's be a family, alright Molly? Remember how much fun we had putting that scrapbook together for your mom?
MOLLY: Fat chance, Once and Future Mobster.
JULIAN: Here, TJ, thanks for helping me move out of here.
TJ: No thanks, Julian. I don't take blood money.
ALEXIS: So, how's the family togetherness thing working out?
MOLLY: Nice try, Mom. NOT! The dorms can't open up fast enough.
ALEXIS: But Julian has CHANGED, Molly. He's 100% mob-free. You have to believe me.
MOLLY: Tell that to yourself the next time you overhear him on the phone with one of his mobster buddies, using words like, deed, done, hurry, time, and where did we hide the bodies?
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: So, what should I wear for my first day of work at ELQ?
NIKOLAS: Anything that does not resemble drapery works for me.
SPENCER: Good evening father, Hayden!
NIKOLAS: Have you forgotten how to tell time, Spencer? Back to bed. Now.
SPENCER: All in good time, father. I must speak with you on a very important matter.
NIKOLAS: Stop talking like your great-grandmother and maybe I'll listen.
HAYDEN: (fake yawning) It's been a long day. I'm turning in. Night, Spencer.
SPENCER: So, father, is Hayden here to stay or is she Britt 2.0?
NIKOLAS: It's a work in progress, son.
SPENCER: Is it okay to like her, because I think I might be over Britt now?
HAUNTED STAR
DARBY: Room for one more?
MORGAN: Do I know you?
DARBY: Maybe, maybe not. I'm Darby and you're kinda hot. I heard you were with some art lady old enough to be your mother. If you ever decide you need a change of pace from cougars, I think we can start something.
MORGAN: Me and the "art lady" are way finished.
MOLLY: Hi cuz, hi Darby. You guys know each other?
DARBY: Now we do.
MORGAN: You two know each other?
DARBY: Totally. Wanna come party with us?
MORGAN: I dunno. Lemme check with my ex. No, not the art lady. The other ex. Art lady's daughter. Hey Keeks, drop the booze and come hang at a PCU party with us.
KIKI: Bite me.
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
SABRINA: Guess what, Michael. I'm preggers!
MICHAEL: Say WHAAAAAAAAT?
SABRINA: I'm with child, Michael. Our child. At least I think it's our child. We'll know for sure when he starts to talk, specifically words with R in them.
MICHAEL: How long have you known?
SABRINA: A few weeks, give or take a month or two.
MICHAEL: You know, I was going to find out eventually.
SABRINA: I was scared I'd get run off the road by one of your dad's enemies and my baby would get run out of my uterus.
MICHAEL: Legitimate concern.
SABRINA: I love you, Michael. Now that you know, let's have this baby!
METROCOURT
NED: Olivia, I have to break up with you.
OLIVIA: Dammit, Ned, I wanted to MARRY YOU!
NED: I can't bring myself to call that kid Mateo all the time. What if I have a middle-aged moment and slip up?
OLIVIA: But I HAVE to keep Leo safe from Big Bad Mobster Daddy!
NED: I get that, but I can't be party to such lies. Been there, done that, and it involved Alexis in drag as a butler.
BABY UNCLE LEO: (Translated from Baby) Why did I have to be born too late to see THAT? And why is Fake Daddy Ned making mommy cry?
JULIAN: I changed my mind about moving in with you, Alexis. Molly still doesn't like me.
ALEXIS: Molly spends most of her time at PCU hanging out with her new party-hopping bestie. You're moving in and that's final.
JULIAN: Fine. I'm hungry. Let's grab some grub.
ALEXIS: I've gotta pee. Be back in a sec.
JULIAN: (over phone) Is the deed done? This is an urgent matter. Time is of the essence. Nobody can know where the bodies are buried?
ALEXIS: (to self) CRAP! Molly was right!
PIER 54
JAKE: No luck with Creepy Cuz.
SAM: Don't worry, Jake. Spinelli's on the case and there's no case that dude can't crack.
JAKE: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! A shooting star!
Ned comes back to town and promptly breaks up with Olivia. Baby Uncle Leo has been de-SORASed by a month or two, or recast with a slightly younger baby to reflect the fact that the little guy was, what, 3 months premature probably should look younger than his age. That and he looks more Italian than the Baby Uncle Leo #1. Molly throws some serious shade at Julian and gives her mother some food for thought. Sam and Spinelli reminisce about The Essence of Jason. Jake tries to strong-arm some truth out of Nikolas. Spencer grills his dad on Hayden. Michael learns he's going to be a father.
METROCOURT
ALEXIS: Why hello, my favorite Plan B. What's it like being a rock star's groupie dad?
NED: My fellow gatekeeper! Brook Lynn's tour is bringing back the old Eddie Maine memories. Remember Eddie's Angel?
ALEXIS: I have work to do.
OLIVIA: Hey there, Baby Leo. Sorry I spent so much time with that other baby, the one I was passing off as Mateo. I didn't mean to make you jealous.
BABY UNCLE LEO #2: (translated from Baby) No worries, Ma. As long as you're keeping me safe from my daddy, the big bad probably-not-former-mobster, we're cool. By the way, Mateo's a big-time drooler.
PIER 54
SPINELLI: I'm feeling something in the air tonight. It is the Essence of Jason. All of his atoms and molecules are among us, fair Samantha.
SAM: I should have known you meant Jason was with us in the metaphysical sense. After all, you are Damien Spinelli.
SPINELLI: Shall we commemorate his passing into another realm by gazing skyward and tracing his Stone Coldishness among the constellations?
SAM: OMG! It's a shooting star, Spinelli! That's Jason! I FEEL Jason!
HAUNTED STAR
KIKI: Can I have another round of...whatever it is I ordered? With extra booze this time.
BARTENDER: Hey, aren't you the chick that got banned from The Floating Rib? You're on our watch list, so be careful, and fork over the car keys.
KIKI: Bite me!
MORGAN: Hitting the hooch again, Keeks?
KIKI: Screw off, cheating ex-boyfriend who'd rather bang MY MOTHER!
WYNDEMERE
JAKE: I want answers, Nikolas. NOW! WHO THE BLOODY HELL AM I?
NIKOLAS: You are a very violent man with anger issues.
HAYDEN: Whoa, fake hubby! That's my BOSS you're going Anger Boy on.
JAKE: I know you know who I am, Nikolas. You ran my DNA. I. WANT. ANSWERS. NOW!!!!
NIKOLAS: You're the same frustrated amnesiac you were when you woke up from being run over by an SUV, now get lost or I'll release my grandmother from exile. She knows where you live.
METROCOURT
JULIAN: Let's be a family, alright Molly? Remember how much fun we had putting that scrapbook together for your mom?
MOLLY: Fat chance, Once and Future Mobster.
JULIAN: Here, TJ, thanks for helping me move out of here.
TJ: No thanks, Julian. I don't take blood money.
ALEXIS: So, how's the family togetherness thing working out?
MOLLY: Nice try, Mom. NOT! The dorms can't open up fast enough.
ALEXIS: But Julian has CHANGED, Molly. He's 100% mob-free. You have to believe me.
MOLLY: Tell that to yourself the next time you overhear him on the phone with one of his mobster buddies, using words like, deed, done, hurry, time, and where did we hide the bodies?
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: So, what should I wear for my first day of work at ELQ?
NIKOLAS: Anything that does not resemble drapery works for me.
SPENCER: Good evening father, Hayden!
NIKOLAS: Have you forgotten how to tell time, Spencer? Back to bed. Now.
SPENCER: All in good time, father. I must speak with you on a very important matter.
NIKOLAS: Stop talking like your great-grandmother and maybe I'll listen.
HAYDEN: (fake yawning) It's been a long day. I'm turning in. Night, Spencer.
SPENCER: So, father, is Hayden here to stay or is she Britt 2.0?
NIKOLAS: It's a work in progress, son.
SPENCER: Is it okay to like her, because I think I might be over Britt now?
HAUNTED STAR
DARBY: Room for one more?
MORGAN: Do I know you?
DARBY: Maybe, maybe not. I'm Darby and you're kinda hot. I heard you were with some art lady old enough to be your mother. If you ever decide you need a change of pace from cougars, I think we can start something.
MORGAN: Me and the "art lady" are way finished.
MOLLY: Hi cuz, hi Darby. You guys know each other?
DARBY: Now we do.
MORGAN: You two know each other?
DARBY: Totally. Wanna come party with us?
MORGAN: I dunno. Lemme check with my ex. No, not the art lady. The other ex. Art lady's daughter. Hey Keeks, drop the booze and come hang at a PCU party with us.
KIKI: Bite me.
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
SABRINA: Guess what, Michael. I'm preggers!
MICHAEL: Say WHAAAAAAAAT?
SABRINA: I'm with child, Michael. Our child. At least I think it's our child. We'll know for sure when he starts to talk, specifically words with R in them.
MICHAEL: How long have you known?
SABRINA: A few weeks, give or take a month or two.
MICHAEL: You know, I was going to find out eventually.
SABRINA: I was scared I'd get run off the road by one of your dad's enemies and my baby would get run out of my uterus.
MICHAEL: Legitimate concern.
SABRINA: I love you, Michael. Now that you know, let's have this baby!
METROCOURT
NED: Olivia, I have to break up with you.
OLIVIA: Dammit, Ned, I wanted to MARRY YOU!
NED: I can't bring myself to call that kid Mateo all the time. What if I have a middle-aged moment and slip up?
OLIVIA: But I HAVE to keep Leo safe from Big Bad Mobster Daddy!
NED: I get that, but I can't be party to such lies. Been there, done that, and it involved Alexis in drag as a butler.
BABY UNCLE LEO: (Translated from Baby) Why did I have to be born too late to see THAT? And why is Fake Daddy Ned making mommy cry?
JULIAN: I changed my mind about moving in with you, Alexis. Molly still doesn't like me.
ALEXIS: Molly spends most of her time at PCU hanging out with her new party-hopping bestie. You're moving in and that's final.
JULIAN: Fine. I'm hungry. Let's grab some grub.
ALEXIS: I've gotta pee. Be back in a sec.
JULIAN: (over phone) Is the deed done? This is an urgent matter. Time is of the essence. Nobody can know where the bodies are buried?
ALEXIS: (to self) CRAP! Molly was right!
PIER 54
JAKE: No luck with Creepy Cuz.
SAM: Don't worry, Jake. Spinelli's on the case and there's no case that dude can't crack.
JAKE: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! A shooting star!
One Year Ago...
The unofficial start of General Hilarity happened one year ago this past Saturday on WubsNet. Here was my inspiration:
Friday, October 16, 2015
Return of the Ghost of Carrrrrrrrrrlos
Halloween may be about two weeks away, but don't tell that to Ghost Carrrrrrrrrlos. He pays another visit and spooks Anna. Spinelli may have cracked the encryption on Nikolas's hard drive, but comes up empty on Jake's identity. Liz antagonizes Hayden. Jordan's pissed when Paul goes over her head in getting Carrrrrrrrlos's autopsy results. Tracy learns that Sabrina's pregnant,
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
JORDAN: I know we're like, friends and all, Anna, you need to 'fess up what you know about Carrrrrrrrlos.
PAUL: Looks like this Carrrrrrrrrrlos has been dead about 2 weeks. Here's a thought: Maybe Michael The Junior Mobster did it.
ANNA: (to self) It seems medical examiners aren't what they used to be around here. Carrrrrrrrrlos has been dead for months. What does Paul Hornsby have up his sleeve?
HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM
LIZ: You're not going anywhere, HAYDEN, until you tell me EXACTLY what you know.
HAYDEN: YOU, can call me Ms. Barnes and let me the hell out of this room.
LIZ: It so happens, MIZZ BARNES that you are TOTALLY FAKING your amnesia. How do I know this? Because Patrick said there was nothing wrong with your brain and you refuse to see a shrink, THAT'S WHY!
HAYDEN: Oh PLEASE! You weigh 75 pounds. I could totally just knock you right over and get out of here myself.
LIZ'S HOUSE
SPINELLI: This is a most illuminating electronic correspondence between Nikolas and one top secret laboratory about Jake Doe's genetic sequence being compared to that of another individual.
JAKE: Translation?
SAM: Nikolas had a DNA test run on you and had it compared to someone else's DNA. Whose was it, Spin? Need more deets NOW!
JAKE: I'm not waiting around for more deets. I'm going to go over to Castle Greyskull and bodyslam the truth out of that creepy cousin of yours.
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
TRACY: Pregnant much?
SABRINA: You sure like to cut right to the chase, don't you, Tracy?
TRACY: I'm merely putting two and two together. You're buying shirts from the Maternity department of the Sad Robe Store and going through kleenexes like the apocolypse is nigh. Ergo: Pregnant. What does Michael say? Please don't tell me the kid's last name will be Corinthos!
SABRINA: I've been so busy with pre-partum depression and grieving Carrrrrrrrrlos that I haven't gotten around to telling Michael.
TRACY: Here's a suggestion: Move it to the top of your to-do list.
PCPD
JORDAN: D.A. Hornsby, I sure wouldn't want to be on a dance floor with you, stepping on my toes like that with the autopsy report. You stick to D.A.-ing and I'll stick to commishing, got it?
PAUL: Gee, I'm sorry Commish, if I stepped on your toes in the process of going over your head. I'll try to rein in my power tripping a little more around this place.
JORDAN: (to self) Keep an eye on this one.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Ever consider muzzling that friend of yours, Elizabeth? She's like a little chihuahua, yipping and yapping at me about knowing some SECRET about Jake.
NIKOLAS: Here's something to keep your mind off of Elizabeth: Come work for me at ELQ.
HAYDEN: Doing what? I've forgotten what I'm good at.
NIKOLAS: You're good at not remembering who Jake Doe is, so that's a start.
HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM
ANNA: I need sleeping pills, Patrick. The Ghost of Carrrrrrrrlos is keeping me up at all hours of the night.
PATRICK: Here's Kevin Collins' card. Aside from being the hospital's only shrink, he's also a helluva Ghostbuster.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: (over phone) Guess who's the newest ELQ employee doing a yet-to-be determined job?
JAKE: Dammit, Nikolas, WHO THE BLOODY HELL AM I????
PIER 54
SPINELLI: Jason was my first friend who was not of the cyber nature. I feel his essence surrounding me. Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight...
SAM: (to herself) Can I still get my dragon and phoenix back?
GHOST CARRRRRRRRRRRLOS: Anna! Aaaaaaaaannaaaaaa! Ghost Carrrrrrrrrrlos is feeling lonely.
ANNA: AAAGGGGHHH (runs away)
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
JORDAN: I know we're like, friends and all, Anna, you need to 'fess up what you know about Carrrrrrrrlos.
PAUL: Looks like this Carrrrrrrrrrlos has been dead about 2 weeks. Here's a thought: Maybe Michael The Junior Mobster did it.
ANNA: (to self) It seems medical examiners aren't what they used to be around here. Carrrrrrrrrlos has been dead for months. What does Paul Hornsby have up his sleeve?
HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM
LIZ: You're not going anywhere, HAYDEN, until you tell me EXACTLY what you know.
HAYDEN: YOU, can call me Ms. Barnes and let me the hell out of this room.
LIZ: It so happens, MIZZ BARNES that you are TOTALLY FAKING your amnesia. How do I know this? Because Patrick said there was nothing wrong with your brain and you refuse to see a shrink, THAT'S WHY!
HAYDEN: Oh PLEASE! You weigh 75 pounds. I could totally just knock you right over and get out of here myself.
LIZ'S HOUSE
SPINELLI: This is a most illuminating electronic correspondence between Nikolas and one top secret laboratory about Jake Doe's genetic sequence being compared to that of another individual.
JAKE: Translation?
SAM: Nikolas had a DNA test run on you and had it compared to someone else's DNA. Whose was it, Spin? Need more deets NOW!
JAKE: I'm not waiting around for more deets. I'm going to go over to Castle Greyskull and bodyslam the truth out of that creepy cousin of yours.
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
TRACY: Pregnant much?
SABRINA: You sure like to cut right to the chase, don't you, Tracy?
TRACY: I'm merely putting two and two together. You're buying shirts from the Maternity department of the Sad Robe Store and going through kleenexes like the apocolypse is nigh. Ergo: Pregnant. What does Michael say? Please don't tell me the kid's last name will be Corinthos!
SABRINA: I've been so busy with pre-partum depression and grieving Carrrrrrrrrlos that I haven't gotten around to telling Michael.
TRACY: Here's a suggestion: Move it to the top of your to-do list.
PCPD
JORDAN: D.A. Hornsby, I sure wouldn't want to be on a dance floor with you, stepping on my toes like that with the autopsy report. You stick to D.A.-ing and I'll stick to commishing, got it?
PAUL: Gee, I'm sorry Commish, if I stepped on your toes in the process of going over your head. I'll try to rein in my power tripping a little more around this place.
JORDAN: (to self) Keep an eye on this one.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Ever consider muzzling that friend of yours, Elizabeth? She's like a little chihuahua, yipping and yapping at me about knowing some SECRET about Jake.
NIKOLAS: Here's something to keep your mind off of Elizabeth: Come work for me at ELQ.
HAYDEN: Doing what? I've forgotten what I'm good at.
NIKOLAS: You're good at not remembering who Jake Doe is, so that's a start.
HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM
ANNA: I need sleeping pills, Patrick. The Ghost of Carrrrrrrrlos is keeping me up at all hours of the night.
PATRICK: Here's Kevin Collins' card. Aside from being the hospital's only shrink, he's also a helluva Ghostbuster.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: (over phone) Guess who's the newest ELQ employee doing a yet-to-be determined job?
JAKE: Dammit, Nikolas, WHO THE BLOODY HELL AM I????
PIER 54
SPINELLI: Jason was my first friend who was not of the cyber nature. I feel his essence surrounding me. Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight...
SAM: (to herself) Can I still get my dragon and phoenix back?
GHOST CARRRRRRRRRRRLOS: Anna! Aaaaaaaaannaaaaaa! Ghost Carrrrrrrrrrlos is feeling lonely.
ANNA: AAAGGGGHHH (runs away)
Thursday, October 15, 2015
You Can Trust Meeeee!
Maxie tells Nathan about Dillon's unrequited love for Lulu and expects Nathan to come clean with his secret. Sam calls on Spinelli to help her and Jake crack the encryption on Nikolas's computer. Hayden asks Patrick why her memory is still AWOL. Dante confronts Dillon about kissing Lulu. Lulu gets good news from her doctor and pays a visit to the chapel, where she runs into Nikolas.
PCPD
DANTE: Stay away from my wife, movie boy.
DILLON: All I did was kiss Lulu. You went all the way with Valerie!
DANTE: You know this how?
DILLON: Val and I had a little confession session with each other because we both are in love with people who don't love us back. Only I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH LULU, YOU CHEATIN' SCOUNDREL!
HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM
PATRICK: Your MRI was clean, Hayden. Why aren't you remembering stuff?
HAYDEN: You tell me. YOU'RE the doctor.
PATRICK: I think you're suppressing the memories and need to be hypnotized by a shrink. Here's Kevin Collins' card.
HAYDEN: I don't do hypnosis. Your shrink friend might have me quacking like a duck.
PATRICK: Hey, it's your memory.
LIZ: You lying SKANK! I bet you're FAKING your memory loss.
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
LULU: Thank you, God, for giving me a functioning uterus.
NIKOLAS: Hey there, little sis.
LULU: Hey, there, ELQ-stealing big brother. What brings you here?
NIKOLAS: Hayden's getting her head examined.
LULU: Hayden, a.k.a. Britt 2.0?
NIKOLAS: I sure as hell don't trust Hayden, but I think I'm in love with her. As long as she doesn't get her memory back.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: There's something wrong with this flash drive. It's full of gobbledygook.
SAM: I've got that covered. Get the door.
JAKE: Spaghetti?
SPINELLI: Greetings, fair Samantha and the doppleganger of my late, great Stone Cold! Jackal at your service!
SAM: Do your thing, Spinelli! Crack this code so Jake can find out who he really is.
SPINELLI: Zounds! I have stumbled upon some most intriguing information!
SAM AND JAKE: What is it?
SPINELLI: Behold...(shows Sam and Jake the computer)
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
MAXIE: I did something really stupid.
NATHAN: Go on...
MAXIE: I got in Valerie's face about her being preggers with Dillon's kid.
NATHAN: She really needs to spring for the brand name Twizzlers. You never know what will happen with the fake stuff.
MAXIE: In other news, Dillon's hot for Lulu.
NATHAN: Fat chance, broke man's Spielberg!
MAXIE: I told my secret. Your turn.
NATHAN: Fat chance, loose-lipped girlfriend.
MAXIE: Come OOOOON! You can trust MEEEEEE!
NATHAN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
PCPD
DANTE: Stay away from my wife, movie boy.
DILLON: All I did was kiss Lulu. You went all the way with Valerie!
DANTE: You know this how?
DILLON: Val and I had a little confession session with each other because we both are in love with people who don't love us back. Only I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH LULU, YOU CHEATIN' SCOUNDREL!
HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM
PATRICK: Your MRI was clean, Hayden. Why aren't you remembering stuff?
HAYDEN: You tell me. YOU'RE the doctor.
PATRICK: I think you're suppressing the memories and need to be hypnotized by a shrink. Here's Kevin Collins' card.
HAYDEN: I don't do hypnosis. Your shrink friend might have me quacking like a duck.
PATRICK: Hey, it's your memory.
LIZ: You lying SKANK! I bet you're FAKING your memory loss.
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
LULU: Thank you, God, for giving me a functioning uterus.
NIKOLAS: Hey there, little sis.
LULU: Hey, there, ELQ-stealing big brother. What brings you here?
NIKOLAS: Hayden's getting her head examined.
LULU: Hayden, a.k.a. Britt 2.0?
NIKOLAS: I sure as hell don't trust Hayden, but I think I'm in love with her. As long as she doesn't get her memory back.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: There's something wrong with this flash drive. It's full of gobbledygook.
SAM: I've got that covered. Get the door.
JAKE: Spaghetti?
SPINELLI: Greetings, fair Samantha and the doppleganger of my late, great Stone Cold! Jackal at your service!
SAM: Do your thing, Spinelli! Crack this code so Jake can find out who he really is.
SPINELLI: Zounds! I have stumbled upon some most intriguing information!
SAM AND JAKE: What is it?
SPINELLI: Behold...(shows Sam and Jake the computer)
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
MAXIE: I did something really stupid.
NATHAN: Go on...
MAXIE: I got in Valerie's face about her being preggers with Dillon's kid.
NATHAN: She really needs to spring for the brand name Twizzlers. You never know what will happen with the fake stuff.
MAXIE: In other news, Dillon's hot for Lulu.
NATHAN: Fat chance, broke man's Spielberg!
MAXIE: I told my secret. Your turn.
NATHAN: Fat chance, loose-lipped girlfriend.
MAXIE: Come OOOOON! You can trust MEEEEEE!
NATHAN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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