Mr. and Mrs. Jake Doe

    Liz is itching to be Mrs. Doe and gives Jake an early wedding present.  Spinelli asks Jake for a favor.  Dillon is interrupted as he's about to spill the beans about Dante & Valerie.   Ric has bad news for Sonny while Scott is no more encouraging toward Ava regarding custody of Crypt Baby Avery.   Kiki invites Morgan over, then intercepts a text from Darby. 

    FLOATING RIB

    JAKE:  Sorry, Spinelli.  Sorry I got all in your face and called you Spaghetti. 
    SPINELLI:  Such apology is not required, Mr. Doe, sir.  The jackal's skills suffered a temporary state of inefficiency, but fear not, my memory-challenged friend.   If you could do me the favor of obtaining your medical records from the hospital, I shall reverse-engineer your face.
    JAKE:  I'll take that as not being a threat.  
    SPINELLI:  Once you obtain said records, you must have them sent to this email address most expediently.  The Jackal is on the precipice of uncovering your identity. 

   
     HAUNTED STAR

      LULU:  Spill it, Dillon.   What did you want to tell me? 
      DILLON:   (to himself) That Dante's a cheating ASS that doesn't deserve your amazing Lulu-ness.  (to Lulu) Valerie and I are back together, so you don't have to worry about me randomly kissing you anymore. 
      LULU:  Ooooookay.   You're going to have to do better than that. 
      DILLON:  She's your cousin, Lulu.   If I can't have one Spencer, i'm going to make a go of it with another. 
      LULU:  You're freaking me out more and more as words come out of your mouth. 

      MAXIE:  Nathan.  Secret.  NOW! 
      DANTE:  Remember how you miscarried one of Lulu's and my embryos and kept it a secret for NINE MONTHS?
      MAXIE:  Thanks for throwing all of 2013 in my face, Dante.  I thought we kumbaya-ed our way past that. 
    

      SONNY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

      RIC:  Here's the deal, brother:  You're kinda incapacitated and Team Ava may use that against you in the custody case. 
      SONNY:  So I could LOSE MY DAUGHTER because my legs are taking a vacation? 
      CARLY:  Ric.  Hallway.  NOW! 

     
      JEROME GALLERY

      SCOTT:  Ava, you might want to force Kiki to make peace with you so you can keep your kid.   Sonny has a parade of character witnesses bearing the Corinthos last name.   You have a daughter who can't stand the sight of you because you slept with her boyfriend.
       AVA:  Way to tell it to me straight, Scott.   Doesn't everybody know that a mobster in a wheelchair is still a mobster?
       SCOTT:  You're a gallery owner as much as Sonny is a coffee importer.  Start sucking up to Kiki NOW!

       
       HOSPITAL

        LIZ:  I've got an early wedding present for you.  Want me to go get it? 
        JAKE:  Sure, why not.  I'm going to take a little walk, to stretch my legs.  Later, fiancee. 

      
       HAUNTED STAR

         NATHAN:  Hand me those cables, Maxie.
         MAXIE:  What's a cable?
         NATHAN:  Long, thick black wires with plugs on the end.  Electric spaghetti, if you will.
         MAXIE:  Not until you agree to do one of two things:  Either tell me your big secret OR agree to wear the costume I picked out for you. 
         NATHAN:  And that costume would be...
         MAXIE:  That's MY secret. 

         LULU:  So, cousin Val, you and Dillon?
         VALERIE:  Well, you're with Dante.  Maxie is with Nathan.  Nikolas's castle creeps me out, and I don't know any other guys in this town.  Besides, Dillon's not THAT bad of a consolation prize.   I hope he feels the same way about me. 
        
          DANTE:  Dammit, Dillon, can't you keep your flippin' trap shut? 
          DILLON:  Dammit, Dante, can't you keep your pants on?   That was TOO EASY!   Stay out of my grill and I'll stay out of yours.  Deal? 

        
         HOSPITAL

         JAKE:  I need my medical records to find out who the hell I am.  Send them to this email address: jackal@godofcyberspace.net. 
         RECEPTIONIST:  Oooooookay.  
         LIZ:  Here it is!  
         JAKE:  "Mr. and Mrs. Jake Doe"  You're awfully excited to be a Doe, aren't you?
         LIZ:  You won't BELIEVE how much stuff I got monogrammed.   Let's find an empty room and go make out.
         JAKE:  Seeing how few patients are actually IN this hospital, that shouldn't be too hard.
       
       
        FRANCO/NINA/KIKI'S APARTMENT

         MORGAN: What the hell, Kiki?   Are you high?   "Too busy having sex with Kiki?"  PFFFFFFT!   Good luck with THAT now that you pissed me off. 
          KIKI:  GO AWAY, Morgan!   And don't you come back no more, no more, no more! 
       
           AVA:  Kiki, can you un-disown me so I can keep Avery?   You remember Avery, right?   Adorable, chatty, about to turn a year old? 
           KIKI:  GO AWAY, MOM!  And don't you come back no more no more no more! 

          FLOATING RIB

         DARBY:  So, what is it with you and that Kiki chick?  She sounds kind of...unhinged.
         MORGAN:  Well, I kinda cheated on her with her mom, the art lady and she's deciding how pissed at me she wants to be.   Some days are better than others.  

          SPINELLI:  The Jackal. Has. Conquered. The. Interwebs.