Who Do You Think You Are?

     Dante pisses off Valerie by asking her about the pee stick Nathan found.   Dillon is tempted to spill the beans to Lulu about Dante's one-nighter with Valerie.  Jake and Sam are on a fact-finding mission at Wyndemere as Hayden goes to town on Nikolas's dime.  Laura is concerned about Li'l Jake's state of mind and Liz's decision to marry Jason without telling him who he really is.  Julian has questions when he spots Olivia with a baby.

      PCPD

       DANTE:  Look what I found!   Tell me this doesn't mean you've got one in the oven.
       VALERIE:  A pregnancy test?   BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   It's been THREE MONTHS!   Don't you think I'd KNOW by now if I was IN THE FAMILY WAY???   This is SO not mine, but whoever's it is, I hope she didn't pee on my fake Twizzlers. 
        DANTE:  Well THAT'S a monkey off my back. 
        VALERIE:  Are you calling my nonexistent unborn child a MONKEY? 
        DANTE:  It's a figure of speech, Valerie.  There's no kid, no monkey, and I'm sorry for implying that there might be a life form in your uterus.
         VALERIE:  I forgive you, which sucks because I really, really, REALLY want to hate you. 

        HAUNTED STAR

         DILLON:  Um, Lulu, I have to tell you something.
         LULU:  Yeah, I know you're in love with me.   I just coerced the truth out of Maxie.   I totally get why you have feelings for me.  I'm Lulu FREAKIN' Spencer and I'm just the awesomesauce!   BUT, and there is always a but, I'm taken.
         DILLON:  Dante's a total dirtbag!  You deserve better.
         LULU:  Dillon!  That's my sexy cop HUSBAND you're talking about!   We're gonna have another BAY-BAY! 
         DILLON:  But he's done you wrong, like in many a country song.
         LULU:  I get that your heart is breaking in a million pieces right now because you can't have me, but Dante and me are like PEAS and CARROTS, Dillon.  PEAS AND CARROTS!
   
         KELLY'S

          JAKE:  T-minus 4 weeks to figure out who the hell I really am.
          SAM:  Why the sudden urgency?
          JAKE:  Because Laura said so.  She said it would be hella awkward if I didn't know my real last name at my own wedding and I kinda agree.   Besides, Doe is kinda dopey, don't you think?
           SAM:  Feel like breaking into Wyndemere again?

           HAYDEN:   Did I clean out the stores of Port Chuckles or what?   I even found some fun stuff at that Sad Robe Store on Rte 31.
           NIKOLAS:  So, are you going to show me some of your loot or what?  After all, whose limitless credit card financed your shopping spree?
           HAYDEN:  Check this out.  I even snuck this little number on in the dressing room.   Don't worry, I paid for it.  I mean, YOU did.
           NIKOLAS:  Way to flash me in a coffee house, Hayden.  I feel like some Petit Mort.  Let's get the hell out of here. 

           SAM:  Well, look who the cat dragged in!  My least favorite cousin and his lying skank of a...What exactly is she to you, Nikolas? 
           HAYDEN:  You're not on the top of his list either, Sam, and you're not on the top of mine either.   As a matter of fact, I think you are the black sheep of his family.  Baaaaaaaa!  Baaaaaaaa!

        
          METROCOURT HALLWAY

           JULIAN:  Are my eyes playing tricks on me, or do I see Olivia Falconeri holding a baby who looks to be, oh, about four, five months old?   Let's do a little math, shall we?
           OLIVIA:  Julian, meet baby...Mateo.  Someone dropped him in a basket at the front steps of my church in Bensonhurst.  Poor li'l thing needed a home. 
           JULIAN:  That's funny, because his blanket says Leo. 
           OLIVIA:  Forgive me for not having time to go blanket shopping, Julian.  This baby just...appeared! 
           BABY LEO:  (translated from Baby) I'm so CONFUSED!   Why is mommy calling me Mateo to this man? I thought my name was Leo.   I don't remember anything about a church or a basket.  Just a whole lot of people yelling and then this girl Brook Lynn and a bunch of people with accents. 
        
          
            LIZ'S HOUSE

             LAURA:   So you're really going to do it, Elizabeth?  You're really going to marry a man with amnesia and a fake last name? 
             LIZ:  So he can't remember his past, so what?  He lives in the moment.  Besides, if I tell him he's Jason then I ruin Patrick's life AND my own! 
             LAURA:  Funny thing about memory, Elizabeth.  It has a way of coming back when you least expect it. 
             LI'L JAKE:  Hi Mom.  Hi, lady I think might be my grandma. 
             LIZ:  What happened to your eye?   Did someone beat you up?  
             LI'L JAKE: No, I just fell. 
             LAURA:  What was life like on that island?
             LI'L JAKE:  I don't know.  Fun I guess.
             LIZ:  Let me do my nursey thing to your eye so you can go play. 

          
            WYNDEMERE

             SAM:  Dammit, Nikolas's laptop isn't here.   Is he hiding it from me?  His OWN COUSIN? 
             JAKE:  Where else could it be? 
           
              HAYDEN:  Time for a fashion show!   Imma get my Heidi Klum on. 
            
              SAM:   CRAP!  They're home.  Follow me. 

            
            LIZ'S HOUSE
            LAURA:  I think Little Jake may be traumatized by all his time on Cassadine Island.   It's so remote and crawling with...Cassadines! 
           LIZ:  Little Jake is just fine.   And so am I, with marrying his father.
           LAURA:  Here's the thing, Elizabeth: Little Jake DOESN'T KNOW you're marrying his father.
           LI'L JAKE:  (to himself)  I do now.   (texting Helena) Mommy marrying my daddy who doesn't know he's my daddy.  My grandma, or I think she's my grandma, knows too.  #tediousunfortunates. 

            WYNDEMERE

            JAKE:  Scaling the walls of Wyndemere...does this mean I'm your new adventure buddy? 
            SAM:  Just don't say a WORD to Patrick about it.   Here's the bedroom door.
            JAKE:  Of course it's locked.  But that isn't a problem for you, is it? 
            SAM:   PFFFFFT!  Locked doors are child's play.  (opens door)  Okay we're in.   Here's the TurboThumb 3000 drive that will download all the files on Nikolas's computer. 
           
            HAYDEN:  Am I too sexy for this skirt or what? 
            NIKOLAS:  Ditch the duds.  It's time for Le Petit Mort!
   
            SAM:  Ugh!  50 Shades of Brain Bleach! 
            JAKE:  Dammit, computer!  Download FASTER!   At this rate it will BE November 6th before we get out of Castle Greyskull.