I Want My Baby Back, Baby Back, Baby Back...

     Alexis tells Julian that Leo is alive.   Dante doesn't bite when Lulu offers him a chance to come clean.  Sonny confronts Patrick about his diagnosis.  Nina wants to become a better person and Franco urges Kiki to snap out of her funk.  Nathan may have found a way to save Dillon's movie (and Maxie's acting career.

      ALEXIS'S NEW HOUSE

       ALEXIS:  Guess what, Julian?  Leo is ALIVE!  I've got a little sheet of paper to prove it.
       JULIAN:  So THAT'S where my toothbrush-- Wait a minute.  Hold the phone.  Leo is ALIVE????   My son is not a pile of ashes and a hospital bracelet???    There's no Mateo?
       ALEXIS:  Mateo is a figment of Olivia's imagination.   That baby, whose binky I snatched, along with your toothbrush, to run that DNA test, is your son Leo. 
       JULIAN:  HOLY CRAP!   I need to hunt Olivia down and get my baby back, like YESTERDAY!
       ALEXIS:  NOPE!   You're going to wait until I file a court order. 
       JULIAN:  Court order my ass!  That's my kid and I've missed enough of his life already.  He's what, four, five months old now?   I'm going to get my son back if I have to rip him from Olivia's arms myself.
      ALEXIS:  Very. Bad. Idea.  If you run over like a raving lunatic and snatch Leo away from Olivia, number one, that's kidnapping.  Number two, you'll make yourself look like a hairy, scary mobster and prove her point.
       JULIAN:  I am NOT hairy!

   
       FRANCO, NINA, & KIKI'S APARTMENT

       NINA:  Feel how soft these sheets are, Franco.  Feel how soft.  A thousand thread count.  That's a lot of threads, Franco.   Let's have sex on these incredibly soft sheets.
       KIKI:  Blech!
       NINA:  Who asked you?
       FRANCO:  Hug, ladies.  Don't slug.
     

       PATRICK'S OFFICE

       SONNY:  Hey Dr. Doom, don't be spreading your bad doctor juju to my wife.  I am going home where the healing vibrations will cure my paralysis.  I read all about it on the interwebs.
       PATRICK:  Wake up and smell the physical therapy, Sonny.   You have a long, arduous recovery ahead of you if you want to even think about walking again.
       SONNY:  (puts fingers in ears) La la la la la la la la
       MICHAEL:  Come on, Dad.   Stop paddling down the river of Denial.   Listen to Patrick and focus on your recovery.
       CARLY:  Michael's right.  He always is.  We're on your side, just like Channel 7.
     

       METROCOURT LOBBY

      MORGAN:  Hi Olivia.  Hi, stranger baby. 
      OLIVIA:  Morgan, this is my adopted son Mateo.
      BABY UNCLE LEO:  (translated from Baby)  It's Leo, goddamn it, Mommy!  I'm Baby Uncle Leo.  Like the guy on Seinfeld, only way younger and cuter. 
      MORGAN:  That was the quickest adoption ever.  Congrats, Olivia.


      PCPD

      NATHAN:  You've got to 'fess up to Lulu, man.   Maxie's been driving me nuts since she knows I'm keeping a secret from her.
      DANTE:  If only it were that easy. 
      LULU:  Hello loving, perfect husband!  I kicked Dillon off my boat. 
      MAXIE:  To the detriment of my acting career.   Now Dillon's movie is homeless and he refuses to take any more Q money.
      NATHAN:  Would he object to Reeves money?   It's time we pay a visit to Nina at her new place, which is her ex-husband's old place where he died, but that's beside the point.
    

       FRANCO, NINA, & KIKI'S APARTMENT

       NINA:  We are having a house party tonight.  My brother Jay and his girlfriend Maxie are coming over for dinner. 
       KIKI:  Bite me.
       FRANCO:  Now Kiki, I know you've got a much nicer Kiki buried under all that grief, rage, and angst.  You know how I know that?  Because I believe in you.  Just like I believe in Nina. 
       KIKI:  Fine, I'll make the eats.
       FRANCO:  That's the spirit!

    
       PCPD

       DANTE:  My mom and Ned broke up.   He didn't want to play a part in the Baby Mateo charade anymore. 
       LULU:  Awww, poor Liv.   It just goes to show how lies have a way of biting you in the ass when you least expect it.  Not like YOU would tell me any lies now, would you?
       DANTE:  Me?  Nah. 
       DANTE'S CONSCIENCE:  BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
       ALEXIS:  I need to speak to a judge about a not-quite-dead baby sired by my boyfriend. 
       DANTE:  (under his breath) CRAP!

   
       METROCOURT LOBBY

       JULIAN:  Read this and weep, Olivia.  This baby is MINE!
       OLIVIA:  Look Julian, I'm sorry I lied, but I had to keep my baby safe from the likes of YOU and your mobstery mobbishness.
       JULIAN:  If I were a teacher, I would have you stay after school and write on the chalkboard "Julian is no longer a mobster" five thousand times.   You let me believe my kid was DEAD and nothing but ashes and a hospital bracelet.   Then you tried to pass him off as an adopted replacement kid.  How sick is THAT?    I want my kid and I want him NOW!
      OLIVIA:  Fat chance, Julian.   If you're out of the mob, I'm the queen of France.
      JULIAN:  Give. Me. My. Son.  NOW!


      FRANCO, NINA, AND KIKI'S APARTMENT

      NINA:  Hello, Jay & Maxie.  Welcome to my fabulous new abode that we're still working on un-haunting.
      KIKI:  I whipped up some finger foods for you.  Sobriety has its benefits, at least to a point.
      FRANCO:  What do you want from your sister, Nathan?
      NINA:  Franco!  Interrogating the guests is bad form.  Really bad form. 
      NATHAN:  Well, he isn't entirely off base, surprised as I am to hear myself say that.  I do need some financial help from you, Nina.   It's actually for Maxie and her friend who are shooting a movie and need more funds because they were kicked off of Lulu's boat.
      NINA:  Let me get my checkbook. 
      FRANCO:  Aren't we quick to open the vault?
      NINA:  It's all part of Nina 2.0.  I'm turning over a new leaf, Franco. 
     MAXIE:  Thank you so much, Nina 2.0.  Nice dress by the way.  Cartullo?
      NINA:  IS there anyone else?
      MAXIE:  You go, girlfriend!   

   
      HOSPITAL

      SONNY:  Morgan, you've got to help me escape from Hospitalcatraz.  My Sonny-ness is being stifled here.   Hospital rooms are making me claustrophobic.  I need to get home where the healing vibes will make my legs work again. 
      MORGAN:  Sure, Dad.  Whatever you say.
      CARLY:  Not so fast, Sonny.   The only place YOU are going is to the rehab wing.
      SONNY:  Son of a bitch!

  
     ALEXIS'S NEW HOUSE

      ALEXIS:  Dammit, Julian, do I need to chain you to this lovely new home you gave me?