Silas Clay Whodunit

      Poor, poor Silas!  Someone LITERALLY stabbed him in the back.  Folks, we have a murder mystery!    Let's take a look at some people of interest. 

      1.   The Ex-Wife
    

          Nina was found at the scene of the crime holding the knife over Silas's dead body.   Her motive:  Revenge, of course!   Franco told her that Silas took Avery, which led Nina to believe that her ex-hubby was setting her up to take the fall.  She left the loony bin in a rage, with Franco following close behind.  







     2.  Daughter's Ne'er-Do-Well Boyfriend

        Kiki's one-time husband and current boyfriend is not known for using his head to make decisions.   Silas walked in on him cheating on Kiki with her "aunt" who was really her presumed-dead mother in a wig with an accent.   He was livid at the horndog who is breaking his daughter's heart and threatens to tell Kiki.   Morgan's also the son of the town crime lord, Sonny Corinthos.


      3. The One-Time Mistress

                                          
                     Ava Jerome had a long-ago affair with Silas while he was married to Nina.  Recently, after a series of events lead to Ava falling off of a bridge after an escape from prison, being rescued by Silas, and then being diagnosed with cancer, Silas kidnapped Ava's daughter Avery and gave Ava a bone marrow transplant, curing her.  She wanted to return to Port Charles, but couldn't do so as Ava Jerome, so she concocted a new identity, complete with a new hair color and fake accent as her long-lost twin sister Denise DiMuccio.  Silas catches Ava/Denise in bed with Morgan and threatens to tell Kiki and to expose "Denise" as Ava, sending her right back to prison.

       4.  The Ex-Wife's Malevolent Mother

            Madeline Reeves is plotting with Ric Lansing to drive Nina right back to the loony bin so she can get her hands on Nina's inheritance.   She learned from Franco that someone else kidnapped Avery.  The whole plan to make Nina think she is crazy is based on Nina thinking she did kidnap the baby, so anyone who can let Nina off the hook would blow Maddie and Ric's plan sky high.   If she suspects it was Silas, well, she never liked Silas anyway, so she would have no trouble doing him in.  

        5. The Ex-Wife's Diabolical New Hubby

           

 

   
                  Ric would stop at nothing to make sure Nina's locked up and can't get her hands on her money.  Could he have found a trail that leads to Silas kidnapping Avery?   Could Maddie have let him in on her suspicions after her run-in with Franco?  

    

Silas Done Bit The Big One...

     ...And who was caught holding the knife over his body but his ex-wife Nina, who was just told by Franco that Silas was the one who kidnapped Avery.  Man, is Kiki in for a big hurtin' when she gets back from her weekend of partying!   And we're in for a big hurtin' with more Morgan and "Denise" scenes because Silas isn't around anymore to bust their asses. 

         Liz panics when Laura reveals that she knows Jake is Jason and uses Nikolas's role in Hayden's shooting to try to scare Laura away from spilling the beans.  Sam is happy that Liz agreed to let Danny and Li'l Jake meet.  Jake fills Sam in on his talk with Michael while Michael confronts Nikolas on his actions in the ELQ takeover.   "Denise" tries to talk Morgan out of confronting Silas. 

         JULIAN'S APARTMENT

          AVA/"DENISE":  Look, Moahgan, I tried to get Silas to not tell Kiki nothin' but he wasn't havin' it.  
          MORGAN:  CRAP!   We're gonna have to find a way to keep Silas quiet.  Kiki CAN'T know that my willy is controlling my brain.  She CAN'T KNOW!   I'm gonna go give Silas a piece of my mind. 
          AVA/"DENISE":  Don't do it, Moahgan!  You might end up givin' him a piece of yoah willy instead! 
          MORGAN:  I can handle that hypocrite who slept with your sister while he was MARRIED to Nina.  
          AVA/"DENISE":  Promise you won't!  
          MORGAN:  Fine, I promise (to himself) NOT!  

          SHADYBROOK

          NINA:  Denise said you love me.  Is that true, Franco?  
          FRANCO:  Yes, it is true.  And I believe you didn't kidnap that baby. 
          NINA:  But I DID!   Why else would I be hallucinating crying babies and cribs? 
          FRANCO:  Watching too many Lifetime movies?  I don't know, but I DO know you didn't take Avery because Silas took her to take bone marrow out of her to save Ava's life. 
          NINA:  That's ridiculous.  Ava's DEAD, Franco. 
          FRANCO:  Not so, Nina. Not so.  You know your new friend Denise?   That's just Ava in a wig and a phony accent. 
          NINA:  OMG!   Silas wants ME to take the fall for kidnapping Avery!   He's a DEAD MAN! 

         LIZ'S HOUSE

         LAURA:  I know Jake is Jason.  Nikolas told me. 
         LIZ:  He TOLD you?   Nice job keeping a SECRET, Nikolas. 
         LAURA:  To be fair, I overheard you and Nikolas talking and then I asked him and told me Jason is indeed alive and Jake Doe IS Jason.   Elizabeth, he NEEDS to know who he is!   He has a wife, a child, a job as Sonny's right hand man!   And Monica deserves to know her son is ALIVE!  
         LIZ:  You see, there's this woman, Hayden Barnes, who my ex hired to pretend she was Jake's wife.  SHE KNOWS Jake is Jason.   She was shot in the head and is in a coma and I think Nikolas did it.  If you tell Jake he's Jason, Nikolas could go to jail.   (to self)  Thank you, Ric, for giving me some desperation manipulation pointers when we were together.  
         LAURA:  So you know for SURE that Nikolas had this poor woman shot because she knew Jake was Jason?  
         LIZ:  Not for sure-sure, but he was kind of sick of Hayden hitting him up for sex every five minutes and he told me he'd find a way to keep her quiet about Jason and he said it in a very ominous tone.   Hate to break it to you, Laura, but your son has gone FULL CASSADINE!  
         LAURA:  I'd like to hear Nikolas's side of this story. 
         LIZ:  No you wouldn't because then he will think his mother thinks he's capable of attempted murder.  

         HOSPITAL

         PATRICK:  I talked to Elizabeth and she gave the okay for Danny and Li'l Jake to meet. 
         SAM:  Awesome!  You're the best boyfriend ever!  
         PATRICK:  Just doing my Good Boyfriend Duty.  Gotta go fix patients' brains.  See you in 45 minutes.   I work VERY quickly. 
         JAKE:  Hi Sam.  Michael tells me that he thinks Nikolas knows who I am.  
         SAM:  That's interesting.  He flat-out denied it to me.  
         JAKE:  And you believe him?  I know he's your cousin, but he is the grandson of Helena Cassadine.  
          SAM:  And he's becoming more and more like her every day.  We need some leverage over him so we can get some answers.  

           METROCOURT

           MICHAEL:  Morgan, why so glum?  
           MORGAN:  What's it to you? 
           MICHAEL:  I thought we sort of didn't hate each other anymore.  Call me if you want to unload.  
           
           MICHAEL:  Well, well, well, look whose stock has fallen off a cliff! 
           NIKOLAS:  Very funny, Michael.  I'm still way better at CEO-ing than you'll ever be.  
           MICHAEL:  You're going DOWN, Cassadine!  
           NIKOLAS:  Don't be so sure of that.  
           MICHAEL:  Once I find some dirt on you, ELQ will be back in its rightful place in MY family.  Unless I already have something on you.   Does the name Jake Doe ring a bell?  

           HOSPITAL

           PATRICK:  Hayden's waking up, guys.  
           JAKE:  Finally, some answers.   Me first!  

            LIZ'S HOUSE

            NIKOLAS:  Can I come in? 
            LIZ:  Sure, why not?  Everyone else in this town has.  
  
           SILAS'S APARTMENT

            FRANCO:  Nina?  Who told you not to play with knives?  

Commitment Papers

    Manipulative slimeball Ric talks Nina into committing herself to Shadybrook.   Meanwhile, back in Nina's suite at the MetroCourt Franco confronts Madeline.   Liz agrees to let Danny meet Little Jake while Laura is tempted to let Big Jake know he's Jason.  Silas puts Ava on notice that he plans to confess all to Scott and to Kiki.   Scott pumps Nikolas for information about Laura's secret. 

     SHADYBROOK

      RIC:  Does this loony bin look familiar to you?   It's always comforting to be in familiar surroundings, isn't it?  You might as well make yourself at home.
      NINA:  I thought you said we were "just visiting".   
      RIC:  It's going to be a rather extended visit, Nina.  You need help and this place is just crawling with shrinks ready to free you of your baby hallucinations once and for all.  
      NINA:  Oh please!  I don't see any cribs or hear any babies.  
      RIC:  Denial is just another sign that you need help.  Sign these papers.  
      NINA:  You want me to commit myself here?   Who's the crazy one now?   I don't even LIKE you anymore.  
      RIC:  Sign them or you're going to the clink. 

     NINA'S SUITE

      MADELINE:  Oh God, not YOU again! 
      FRANCO:  The feeling's mutual, Maddie.  I know you're only after Nina's money and your dear friend Ric Lansing is helping you get your hands on it.  
      MADELINE:  Me?  Chase after money?  Surely you jest! 
      FRANCO:  Well, you sure as hell don't care about Nina, and don't call me Shirley.
      MADELINE:  In case you're behind the curve, Franco, Nina is my daughter.  She's losing her marbles and I'm worried about her.  
       FRANCO:  Nina is SO not nuts this time.  And she's not stupid enough to kidnap the same baby twice.  
       MADELINE:  Oh really?  Then why is she hallucinating cribs and hearing crying babies?  
       FRANCO:  Well, Ric has always struck me as a bit immature...

      LIZ'S HOUSE

       LIZ:  Hi Laura!  I see you've met my new boyfriend Jake.  Craziest coincidence him having the same name as my back-from-the-dead middle son, isn't it?  
       LAURA:  Two Jakes in the same town?  Who'd a thunk it?  
       LIZ:  (answers ringing doorbell) (to herself) Why is half the town showing up at my doorstep today? (to Patrick)  Come on in, Patrick.  Everybody else has.  
       PATRICK:  I'm here on Good Boyfriend duty.  Sam really, really, REALLY wants Danny to meet Little Jake.  
       LAURA:  Better now than when they're teenagers.  Less of a chance of hating each other. 
       PATRICK:  She has a point. 
       LIZ:  Fine, Danny can meet Little Jake.  (to herself) What harm can a 4-year-old do?
       PATRICK:  Awesome!  I'll tell Sam. (Leaves)
       LAURA:  Hey, Jake, would you mind disappearing so I can have a little chat with Elizabeth? 

       JULIAN'S APARTMENT

       SILAS:  See this face?  This is my PISSED OFF face!   Morgan, you ain't nothing but a horndog!  Get lost so I can talk to "Denise" here
       MORGAN:  I can't help it if I have a thing for Ava Jeromes in wigs!   (leaves)
       AVA:  What can I say?  I still got it! 
       SILAS:  You!  Go to jail!  Go directly to jail!  Do not pass GO!  And for the love of God, don't collect $200.  
       AVA:  If I go to jail, you're going too.  
       SILAS:  It's a chance I'm willing to take.   By the way, Kiki IS going to find out ALL about what her fake "Aunt Denise" has been doing with her horny punk of a boyfriend.  
       AVA:  But Siiiiiiiilaaaaas!   Please don't break Kiki's heart!   
       SILAS:  YOU broke Kiki's heart, Ava.   And now you're on your own.   This is the thanks I get for saving your life.  

        SCOTT'S OFFICE

        SCOTT:  Nikolas, what do you know about the secret Laura is keeping?  
        NIKOLAS:  What secret?  
        SCOTT:  She told me the other day she overheard a big, juicy secret, but we were interrupted by Luke skipping town. 
        NIKOLAS:  And I would know this secret because...
        SCOTT:  I don't know, because she's your mother or something.   If you know it, spill it.   
        NIKOLAS:  Sorry, Baldwin.  You're barking up the wrong tree.   If you want to know my mother's big secret, you could, I don't know, ASK HER YOURSELF? 

         LIZ'S HOUSE

         LAURA:  I know Jake is Jason.  
         LIZ:  Say WHAAAAAAAT?

         SHADYBROOK

         FRANCO:  Nuthouse, sweet nuthouse...
         NINA:  FRANCO!!!!

Gimme Some Sugar!

     Screencap from General Hospital Snark

Michael Fairman interviews Constance Towers and Tristan Rogers on working with Tony Geary

    This interview was posted yesterday in Michael Fairman's column and features some cute and funny stories from both actors about working with Tony Geary.  It's definitely worth a read.  

Well Well Well! What Do We Have Here?

    Franco tips Silas off to Morgan and Denise's continuing sex romp and Silas catches Morgan and "Denise" in the act (Go Silas! Go Silas! Go go go Silas!).   Ric blackmails Nina into staying married to him.  Sam frets about Liz not wanting to Li'l Jake to meet Danny.  Liz and Big Jake/Jason are unwitting hosts to first Michael and Monica, then Laura.   Laura runs into Sonny & Carly at the MetroCourt and something she says makes Carly uneasy. 

       SCOTT'S OFFICE

        SILAS:  Franco, what are you doing here? 
        FRANCO:  Just fixing Dad's drawer.   Who knew I was so handy?   Turns out it was just a loose screw.  
        SILAS:  Speaking of loose screws, Nina thinks she's losing it again and it's all my fault.  
        FRANCO:  Ya think?  Nah, all you did was let her take the fall for kidnapping Avery so you could use her for a secret medical procedure.   You're being too hard on yourself, Silas, ol' buddy.
        SILAS:  Where the hell IS your dear ol' dad anyway, Franco?   I can't clear my conscience if he's not here to listen to my confession.
        FRANCO:  Am I my father's keeper?   Like I said, I'm just here being a good son, fixing this here drawer.  By the way, Ava and Morgan...still a thing.  
        SILAS: Not for much longer if I have anything to do with it.  See ya, Franco. 

        NINA'S SUITE

        RIC:  Sure, Nina, you can have a divorce and go be with Mr. Looney Tunes Franco.  Just remember, if I'm no longer your hubby, I can testify against you.  You wouldn't want THAT to happen, would you?  
        NINA:  You would trap yourself in a loveless marriage just so you wouldn't have to testify against me in court?   Should I be flattered?  
        RIC:  (plays baby crying ringtone again) You NEED me, Nina.  You NEED me to help you while you're losing your mind. 
        NINA: DON'T TELL ME YOU CAN'T HEAR THAT FRIGGIN' BABY SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF ITS LUNGS!    
         RIC:  I don't hear any baby but I sure do hear YOU screaming.  You're getting crazier by the minute, Nina and you NEED me to stand by you as you get carted off by the guys in white coats. 

         PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE

         SAM:  Sorry to be an absentee sex partner.  I was thinking about Li'l Jake and how Elizabeth doesn't want him to meet Danny. 
         PATRICK:  Are we going to sit in bed and talk about THIS all morning?  
         SAM:  Yeah, pretty much.  You are going to tell me that Elizabeth is just overwhelmed with her kid coming back from the dead and to give her time and I'm going to ask you to talk to her for me and you're going to agree because you're such a good boyfriend.  Does that sound right?  
         PATRICK:  Yeah, pretty much. 

          LIZ'S HOUSE
  
         JAKE:  Maybe one of these days we should get married.  
         LIZ:  (doorbell rings)  I better get the door.  Someone else may be coming back from the dead.  I sure hope it's someone I like.  (opens door)  Monica, Michael, what brings you to my humble abode?
         MONICA:  I've come to see my grandson, little Jake. 
         LIZ:  I'll go get him. 
         JAKE:  Hi Mrs. Q, I mean, Monica.  Hi Michael. 
         MONICA:  Hello, Jake.   Nice to see you again.  
         LIZ:  Here he is!   
         MONICA:  Hi Jake!  I'm your grandma and I have presents because that's what grandmas do. 
         LI'L JAKE:  How many grandmas do I have, Mom?   I'm kinda hoping it's about a hundred. 
         MICHAEL:  Hey, Jake, anything on Nikolas?  
         JAKE:  Gotta keep this on the down-low because Uhlizabeth and Nikolas are tight, but Nikolas knew Hayden before Hayden pretended to be my wife. 
          MICHAEL:  Intriguing.  And you think Hayden knows who you are?  How?  Did Nikolas tell him, because if he did, then he knows.  

           METROCOURT

           LAURA:  Carly, Sonny!  Long time, no see!  Carly, I'm so sorry your cousin Lucky didn't get a chance to visit with you before he left town dealing with his Spencer angst.   
           CARLY:  So he told little Jake he was his dad, dropped him off at Elizabeth's, then skipped town?   Jason would SO never do that.  It's a crying SHAME he didn't live to see his son come back from the dead.  
           LAURA:  You know how death is in this...Never mind.   It is sad that Jason can't see his son healthy and alive. 
           CARLY:  That was weird. 
           SONNY:  Leave it alone, Carly. 
           LAURA:  Gotta go.  Great to see you two again.  
           CARLY:  She's hiding something. 
           SONNY:  Where have I heard THAT before?  

           JULIAN'S APARTMENT

          MORGAN:  Denise, Franco knows about us and threatened to filet me.  
          AVA/"DENISE":  What can I say?  That Franco, he done dragged it outta me! 
          MORGAN:  He's got this vigilante thing going because he thought he was Kiki's dad for five minutes. 
           AVA/"DENISE":  Awl this tawking about Franco and knives is turnin' me awn!  If havin' sex with you is wrawng, Moahgan, I don't wanna be right.  
           MORGAN:  Me neither.  (to himself) Penis for the win! 

           LIZ'S HOUSE

           LAURA:  So you're Jake Doe.  I'm Elizabeth's ex-mother-in-law. 
           JAKE:  Pleased to meet you, ex-mother-in-law. 
           LAURA:  I'm also Little Jake's grandmother. 
           JAKE:  This kid's going to think it's Christmas! 

           JULIAN'S APARTMENT

           SILAS: (seeing Morgan and Ava/Denise in bed together)  BUSTED!!!!!   
       

The One Where Franco Plays With Knives

     Franco tries to scare Morgan into staying away from "Denise" by pointing a knife at him, then takes another knife to try to jimmy Scott's desk drawer open to snatch that flash drive for Ava.  Meanwhile, "Denise" convinces Nina that Franco still loves her and that she should ask Ric for a divorce.   A mustache-twirling Ric gloats to Madeline about how easy it is to gaslight Nina.  Dillon tells Lulu that he asked Valerie on a date and Valerie seeks Dante's approval to date Dillon.   Silas is ready to come clean about kidnapping Crypt Baby Avery.  Nathan confesses to Jordan that he thinks Nina's being set up. 

    JULIAN'S APARTMENT

       AVA/"DENISE":  Come awn in, Nina.  Have a doughnut and listen to me tawk about how Franco still loves ya.
        NINA:  One, I don't do carbs.  Two, Franco is in love with you, not me.
        AVA/"DENISE":  Nina, Nina, Nina!  That's awl I heah Franco tawkin' about is how much he still loves his Nina.
         NINA:  I'm married now, Denise.  See this ring?  Franco accused me of being a crazy kidnapper, so he's day late and a dollar short.
         AVA/"DENISE":  Ever heah of divoahce?  Franco is sorry he evah accused you of stealin' dat baby.  He goes awn and awn about how it was da biggest mistake of his life.
         NINA:  Oh really?  And you're telling me this because we're such good friends?   We barely know each other and I hated your sister's guts.
          AVA/"DENISE":  But you don't hate mine, do ya?  Besides, I'm lookin' foah a new bestie seein' as I don't know a whole lotta peeps in this 'hood.  Take my advice:  Divoahce dat Ric clown and get back togethah with Franco.
          NINA:  You know what, Denise DiMuccio?  You're making some sense!   I think I'll have some carbs after all.  I need my energy to kick Ric to the curb.   

     SILAS'S APARTMENT

         FRANCO:  I know what you've been doing with Denise DiMuccio, you little boy-toy you.
         MORGAN:  What, did Kiki's dad tell you?
         FRANCO:  Since when does Silas talk to me?  No, it was Denise herself.  I knew she was stashing a little someone-someone in her bedroom.  That little someone-someone was YOU, Morgan.
         MORGAN:  Since when is it any of your business what Denise and I do?
         FRANCO:  Since Kiki is my friend and you're CHEATING ON HER with her own m--AUNT!
         MORGAN:  So what are you gonna do about it.
         FRANCO:  (picks up a knife from the kitchen) I don't know.  You're gonna have to help me here.  Should I slice you or dice you?
         MORGAN:  I'm telling my mob kingpin dad on you.   He already hates you, so if I were you, I'd get my affairs in order.
         FRANCO:  On second thought, just keep your horny little hands off Denise or I'll come back, having rustled up a chainsaw.

        SILAS'S OFFICE

        KIKI:  Hi Dad.  Just wanted to say bye to you before I left to get wild and crazy drunk for a weekend.
       SILAS:  And here I thought you'd already boarded the bus.   I was just contemplating what to do about Nina.
        KIKI:  How about staying AWAY from that crazy bitch.
        SILAS:  It's complicated.   Have a great trip.   Find a new boyfriend.

        NINA'S SUITE

      RIC:  Ha ha ha ha ha!   Nina thinks she's seeing purple elephants and hearing crying babies.   Am I the best evil, money-grubbing gaslighting husband or WHAT?
      MADELINE:  Did James come by?
      RIC:  James?  You mean Detective West?  Yeah, he came by and peppered Nina with questions about the blanket.   I just told her she can't trust anyone but me.  No harm, no foul.  Just another day in the life of Ric Lansing.
      MADELINE:  He SAW the BLANKET?   For a lawyer you sure aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer.   You know that's manufactured evidence, or have you forgotten what that means.
      RIC:  Maddie, Maddie, Maddie!   All we have to do is burn that sucker and we're golden! 

       PCPD

      NATHAN:  Hey, Commish.  I have a problem.  I found this baby blanket that belongs to Avery Corinthos in my sister's hotel room but I don't think she took it.  I think she's being set up, possibly by her no-good gold-digger hubby.
      JORDAN:  Ric Lansing?   He got my son off the hook, so he couldn't be a money-grubbing husband trying to set his wife up for kidnapping.  Those two facts are mutually exclusive.   Besides, where's your proof?
      NATHAN: Therein lies the rub.  I don't have any proof.  Yet.
      JORDAN:  Well then, you're just going to have to produce this baby blanket then, aren't you?   You do remember how proof works, right?

      PIER

      VALERIE:  Are you hungry, Dante?  I brought you some doughnuts.   And coffee.   All the standard cop fare.   By the way, is it okay with you if I go out with Dillon so I can prove to all of Port Chuckles that I'm not a homewrecker? 
       DANTE:  Sure, you can go out with Dillon.  Especially if it will distract him from Lulu.

      HAUNTED STAR

       DILLON:  Hey Lulu, why so glum?
       LULU:  Daddy left Port Chuckles for good and I don't know if I'll ever see him again.
       DILLON:  Ever heard of airplanes?  We just went on one.   You can fly to Amsterdam and visit him.  Maybe he'll share a space cake with you.
       LULU:  I'm sorry for being all weepy and unSpencer-like.
       DILLON:  It's all good, but only if you read my latest revision of my screenplay, now with new and improved dialogue.
       LULU:  Dante kissed Valerie.
       DILLON:  Speaking of Valerie, I asked her out.  Soon, with any luck, it will be ME kissing her.
       LULU:  You and Valerie?
       DILLON:  Look, I know she's not your favorite person, but if this keeps her away from Dante, all the better, right? 
       LULU:  You have a point.

      SCOTT'S OFFICE

       FRANCO:  Come to me, flash drive!  Come to papa!   (answers phone)  Ava?
       AVA:  (over phone) Nina's all yours.  Where's that flash drive?
       FRANCO:  I'm working on it.
       AVA:  You'd better hand it over.   I gave you Nina and I can take her away.
       FRANCO:  Ever heard of patience?  YEESH!

       NINA'S SUITE

         NINA:  Ric, I want a divorce.
         RIC:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?   

    

A Farewell To Luke

    That's a wrap!  Anthony Geary has called it a GH career and Luke has disappeared into the fog, quite literally.   He says his goodbye to Sonny and to Lulu on his way to find his future self.  Meanwhile Madeline channels Helena (Those two have to be related!) with Maxie, who gives as good as she takes.   Dillon runs into Morgan at the Floating Rib and rhapsodizes about Lulu, which puts Morgan on edge.   Valerie has an unpleasant encounter of the Maxie kind at the MetroCourt, then runs into Dillon at the Floating Rib and the two hatch a plan.  Lulu isn't ready to completely forgive and forget when it comes to Dante and Valerie.   Ava persuades Franco to keep quiet when Kiki drops by to visit her "Aunt Denise".   Nathan witnesses Ric's controlling ways with Nina.  Laura comforts a guilt-ridden Dante. 

     PIER

          LUKE:  This is goodbye, Sonny.  I'm leaving The Chuckles for good this time. Take this gun to remember me by.  
          SONNY:  You goin' off the deep end or something, Luke?  You might need this, wherever you're goin'.  
          LUKE:  Not Future Luke.  Future Luke has no need for guns.  I'm leaving the Past and Present Lukes behind.   No more mob. No more violence.  Good night, stars.  Good night, air.  Good night, gunshots everywhere.  
          SONNY:  You sure about this?  We had some good times, you and I. 
          LUKE:  We sure did, old pal, we sure did.   Take care of Lulu and Rocco for me.  

      METROCOURT

           MADELINE:  I don't believe you are suitable for my James, you glorified trailer trash you!  
           MAXIE:  Who do you think YOU are with these insults?  A poor woman's Helena Cassadine? 
           MADELINE:  After all, you and Goat Boy have a, what do they call it, "love child"?  
           MAXIE:  Georgie is SO much more than just the love child of me and Spinelli.  
           MADELINE:  Georgie?   The baby's name is GEORGIE?   Does the poor dear child have gender confusion?   
           MAXIE:  O to the MG, Homewrecking Slut at 3 o clock! 
           MADELINE:  I beg your pardon!   
           MAXIE:  I meant to say, Valerie, how lovely to see you!  
           VALERIE:  Yeah, whatever, Maxie.  I'm just looking for my missing earring.  
           MAXIE:  Here it is.  How about you go looking for your missing self-respect now.  
           MADELINE:  Aren't you going to introduce me to your, what's that made-up word you people use nowadays, frenemy?  
           MAXIE:  Madeline, this is Valerie.  Valerie, this is my boyfriend's mother-aunt, Madeline Reeves. 

       THE FLOATING RIB

         DILLON:  Hey, dude, wanna read my script?  
         MORGAN:  Thanks, but no thanks.  Waiting for my girlfriend.
         DILLON:  Relax, bro.  Totally not coming on to you.  I'm straight.  I'm so straight my script is about my ex-girlfriend.   Dillon Quartermaine.
         MORGAN:  Totally didn't recognize you, dude!   I'm Michael's kid bro Morgan.  
         DILLON:  Sweet!  So what do you think about cheating girlfriends?   That's what happened with me and my ex and it's part of my screenplay.  Check out this dialogue on page 52.   
         MORGAN:  Self-edit much, dude?  
         DILLON:  That was Lulu.  She's hot AND has a killer screenwriter's mind.  
         MORGAN:  Yeah, she's kind of my sister-in-law.  And my cousin.  This town, right?  

        HAUNTED STAR

        DANTE:  Lulu, I don't get it?  Why won't you let me shower you with apology gifts?  
        LULU:  Because I'm having disturbing visuals of The Infamous Valerie Kiss.  They're happening, like, 24/7.  I mean, like, it was JUST A KISS!   Imagine how wacked-out I would be if the two of you had SEX!  
        DANTE:  (to himself): Reason number 2,368 for this lie of omisson:  The preservation of Lulu's sanity. (to Lulu) How many ways can I say I'm sorry?  
        LULU:  I need time.  And space.   And possibly therapy.  

        JULIAN'S APARTMENT

        AVA:  You will NOT tell Kiki about me and Morgan!  Not if you want to get back with your precious loony-bird ex-girlfriend.  
        FRANCO:  But it's KIKI!   I can't like to KIKI.  
        KIKI: Aunt Denise?  What is Franco doing here?   
        FRANCO:  Nice to see you again too Kiki.  
        AVA/"DENISE":  We're still fake-dating, honey.  
        KIKI: Ooooookay.  How are you holding up since Sonny barred you from seeing Avery?  
        AVA/"DENISE":  You just HAD to bring that up?  
        KIKI:  Maybe I should cancel my trip to my friend's Girls Gone Wild bachelorette party.  
        AVA/"DENISE":  No, you go.  I'll be just fine.  Right, Franco?  
     
        HAUNTED STAR

        LAURA:  Sorry for barging in on Date Night, but, Lulu, your dad's about to leave Port Chuckles behind forever.   I thought you might want to say goodbye before his ship comes in.  
         LULU:  OMG, thanks, Mom.   
         LAURA:  Dante, I heard about you and Lulu and Valerie, but I'm not here to judge. 
         DANTE:  I made huge mistake, Laura.   I love your daughter so much and I jumped to the wrongest conclusion I've ever jumped to in my life.  
         LAURA:  To be fair, we forced Lulu to keep some secrets from you and Dillon happened to be along for the ride. 
       
         NINA'S SUITE

        NATHAN:  So, Nina, what's the story with the baby blanket?   I'm here to help you. 
        RIC:  Don't trust him, Nina.  He's a COP.  He's here to send you to THE POKEY.  
        NINA:  But he's my BROTHER.  
        RIC:  All the more reason for him to manipulate you.   Repeat what I say:  You can only trust ME.  
        NATHAN:  Controlling much, Lansing?  
        RIC:  I'm here to protect MY WIFE from unlawful search and seizure. 
        NATHAN:  My mother-aunt says you're hallucinating and might be losing your marbles again.  
        NINA:  Since when do you listen to HER?   
        NATHAN:  So are you crazy or is this all just a big misunderstanding?   Can we talk in private?  
        RIC:  My wife is talking to NO cops.  

        METROCOURT

        MAXIE:  I see your snotty disapproval of me and raise you one murdered grandchild and twenty years in a coma for your daughter. 
        MADELINE:  Oh, please!  It's not like YOU haven't seen the inside of a jail cell.  
        MAXIE:  Not for actually committing a crime.  By the way, the 80s called.  They want your power suit back.  
        NATHAN:  Maxie for the win!  
        MADELINE:  James, your so-called "girlfriend" spent the whole time you were gone insulting me.  
        NATHAN:  And who brought THAT on, mother-aunt?  
     
       FLOATING RIB

        VALERIE:  Bartender, I need some booze, like NOW!  
         DILLON:  Someone's had a rough day in The Chuckles.
         VALERIE:  Anyone would need booze after being around a vigilante in a pineapple dress.  
         VALERIE'S UNBORN BABY: Easy, easy now!   I am SO far from legal drinking age and I'm not up for any vodka coming through that cord thingy.  
          DILLON:  Yeah, Maxie Jones should definitely come with a warning label.   I should know.  I used to date her sister.  
          VALERIE:  She wouldn't shut up about me and Dante.  I need a distraction from his hotness and sad, sad, lack of availability.
          DILLON:  I can be your distraction.   The chick I'm hot for is off limits to, so I totally hear ya.

          KIKI:  I'm back.  Denise is the bestest!   She told me to go and have fun and that every little thing would be alright with her.  Especially since she has Franco to babysit her.
          MORGAN:  Yeah, as long as good ol' reliable boy scout Franco is keeping an eye on her...

         PIER

            LULU:  OMG, Daddy, you're leaving for good?   Who am I going to talk to about my Dante-Valerie kiss hallucinations?  
             LUKE:  I trust you will handle any hallucinations life throws at you.  You're a Spencer and demons and hallucinations and all that fun stuff runs in the family.   Future Lulu will be just fine.  
             LULU:  Thank you, Daddy.   OMG, I'll miss you so much!  
        

New Head Writers: Intriguing, But A Little Worrisome

     Last Friday, GH gave Ron Carlivati the axe and hired Jean Passanante and Shelly Altman the reigns as the new co-head writers.  I'm not really sure how I feel about this.  Mr. Carlivati came under a lot of fire recently for some of his storylines and some of the criticism was justified.  However, since he took over in 2012, I have been watching the show every day again after many years of barely watching at all.  

      Perhaps looking to a soap opera for comedy (of both the intentional and unintentional varieties) is barking up the wrong tree, but GH livened and lightened up under Carlivati's pen.  Was it patently ridiculous at times, with wacky sci-fi suspension of disbelief?  Sure!   Did far too many characters return for the dead, to the point that when characters do die, it loses emotional impact.  Uh huh.   Was the space-time continuum bent into a pretzel whenever any character had to go from Point A to Point B?   You bet!  Was all this kooky stuff as delicious to this blog as a chocolate chip cookie is to a certain ravenous blue muppet?   Absolutely!  

       I'm willing to give the new head writers a chance to make the show (and, consequently, this blog) as much fun with as much hilarity as it had under Carlivati.  After all, the only alternative is to stop watching and I hope it never comes to that.   The people of Port Chuckles make me laugh, make me cry, make me shake my head in disgust and/or bewilderment, and they make me keep tuning in five days a week.   Here's hoping Ms. Passanante and Ms. Altman give me my Helena fix every so often and bring to light some of the Port Chuckleheads' secrets sooner rather than later.  

Madly, The Cross-Eyed Baby

    Ric's latest dastardly deed in his plot to put Nina back on the Wackadoo Express:  Have a crib appear in the suite with a baby doll with X-es for eyes laying face-down in a pink blanket, all the while playing that "baby crying" ringtone.  Meanwhile, his partner in crime Madeline is at the MetroCourt horning in on Maxie and Nathan's dinner date.   Bobbie pleads with Luke to stay in town to find his true self.  Franco confronts Ava on her relationship with Morgan.   Kiki invites Morgan to the Floating Rib for dinner.   Laura catches up with Scott. 

      NINA'S SUITE

      NINA:  OMG, what is this CRIB doing here?   What's THIS?   A baby doll with crossed-out eyes?  Super CREEPY!   There's that CRYING again!   I'M LOSING MY FRIGGIN MIND!   AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH! Ric?  RIC?   RIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCC!   

      METROCOURT

     MADELINE:  Hello, JAMES!   Who's the blonde?   When I saw the Nurses' Ball on TV in the clink, you were escorting a lovely redhead.   What happened to her? 
      NATHAN:  Madeline, this is my main squeeze, Maxie.  Maxie, this is my mother-aunt, Madeline Reeves. 
      MADELINE:  James, we MUST discuss your sister Nina.  Can we do it without the klutzy blonde who tripped on the red carpet at the Nurses' Ball listening in?
      NATHAN:  Be nice to Maxie or get lost!
      MADELINE:  Fine.  Nina's going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and I'm really, really worried about her.
      NATHAN:  Can't her new husband help her?  Or is he part of the problem? 
      MADELINE:  Ric is being OH SO SUPPORTIVE of poor, unstable Nina.  You see, she's imagining PHANTOM BABIES in her hotel suite.  How NUTS is that? 
      NATHAN:  Could it be a little PTSD from when you put her in that coma and killed her baby?
      MADELINE:  Whose side are YOU on?  I think she's feeling guilty about kidnapping that little Avery.

      ELM STREET HOUSE

     LUKE:  I'm skipping town, Barbara Jean, and this time it's for good.  I've faced my demons and now I have to figure out who Future Luke is going to be.
     BOBBIE:  Can't you find Future Luke right here in The Chuckles?   You have family who needs you.
     LUKE:  Lucky's already gone off to parts unknown.  Lulu's got a handle on the situation with her hubby and her cousin, Li'l Jake has his mother, Rocco still doesn't know who the hell I am.   Everybody's fine without me.
     BOBBIE:  Aren't you forgetting somebody?  Somebody like me?   I still need my big brother.   Remember how you came into Port Chuckles to help me bust up Laura and Scott?  Isn't it hilarious how I'm DATING Scott now? 
     LUKE:  You know I love you, little sis, but your taste in men leaves a lot to be desired. 
     BOBBIE:  I'm gonna miss you, Luke.

    METROCOURT

     SCOTT:  Laura!  Long time, no see!  You and Spencer tie the knot again for old time's sake?
     LAURA:  You didn't get the memo?   That was all a ruse to rescue Lucky, Ethan, and our grandson Jake.
     SCOTT:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?   Pardon my insensitivity, but how can you rescue a dead kid? 
     LAURA:  Easy.  Go to Cassadine Island, where all the presumed dead children of Port Chuckles are being held by Helena and her minions. 
     SCOTT:  That figures.  I've got a few of my own I'd like to find.  They weren't little kids when they died, but, hey, it doesn't hurt to look, right?
     LAURA:  So, I overheard a HUGE secret and I don't know what to do.
     SCOTT:  I'm all ears, and for awhile I couldn't say that, after your ex-husband tried to bite one of mine off. 

     GYM

     KIKI: Earth to Morgan! 
     MORGAN:  Sorry, Keeks.  Beating the crap out of a punching bag takes epic concentration.  (to himself) So does getting doing the nasty with "Denise" out of my head (to Kiki) What's up? 
      KIKI:  Let's go to the Floating Rib and shoot some pool. 
     MORGAN:  Let's order in instead.   The punching bag was really giving it to me today.   We can hit The Rib tomorrow night.
     KIKI:  No can do.  Going out of town to party with some chicks I knew in college.  Oh well, I'll jsut ask Aunt Denise instead.
     MORGAN:  On second thought, I'll go to The Floating Rib with you.  I've really worked up an appetite.
   
     JULIAN'S APARTMENT

     FRANCO:  I know Julian and Alexis weren't having ALL THE SEX in your bedroom because I ran into them on my way over to Nina's.  They were having ALL THE SEX at the MetroCourt instead.   Ergo, it was your boy toy in that bedroom.   See how smart I am? 
     AVA:  Fine, it was him.  You still owe me a recording. 
     FRANCO:  Why risk stealing an important piece of evidence when I can resort to blackmail instead?   You're sexing up YOUR DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND!    I actually have human emotions toward Kiki.   She's my almost-daughter. 
     AVA:  I know, and I hate myself for hitting the sheets with her boyfriend, but Morgan makes me all cougar-horny. 
     FRANCO: I bet Kiki would LOVE to hear that. 

      NINA'S SUITE

     RIC:  What's wrong, Nina?   Hearing fake babies again? 
     NINA:  SO not funny, Ric.  I SAW A CRIB!   I SAW A STUFFED BABY VOODOO DOLL WITH X-ES FOR EYES!    THEN I HEARD THE CRYING AGAIN!  
     RIC:  Easy there, Nina.   You've gotta learn to tame that wild imagination of yours.  There has never been a crib or a baby in this room. 
     NINA:  I'm going bonkers, Ric.   BONKERS!   The guilt is MESSING WITH MY HEAD.  I took that baby while sleepwalking and my conscience is MAKING ME LOOOOOOOONY! 
     RIC:  See, now you know it's all in your head.   (to himself)  I'm feeling richer already! 

     METROCOURT

       NATHAN:  Fine, I'll go check on Nina. 
       MADELINE:  (to Maxie)  It's just the two of us now. 
       MAXIE:  (to herself) I'd rather be alone with Obrecht right now than this hell in heels.

      NINA'S SUITE

       NATHAN:  Nina, what's going on here?   My mother-aunt thinks you're losing it.   What's with the baby blanket?   Is she right?  

       ELM STREET HOUSE

       LUKE:  Man, this house is creepy!  Now I'm seeing a ghost of myself and I'M NOT EVEN DEAD YET!
      GHOST OF YOUNG LUKE:  Chin up, Old Guy Luke.  I'm just here to send you on your merry way to find Even Older Guy Luke.  Who knows, maybe you and our son Lucky can both find yourselves at a hippie retreat out west in the 1970s with Don Draper and Carrrrrrrrrrrlos and come up with a Coke ad while you're at it.  The Port Chuckles Wayback Machine is at your disposal, should you wish to use it. 
       LUKE:  Thanks, teenage ghost self.   I'd better get out of here before whatever it is you said starts making sense.  

I Can't Marry You, Part Deux

     This time it's Brad saying those words to Lucas.  Luke is visited by the ghosts of his parents and Patricia as he contemplates ending it all in the Elm Street House.  Bobbie gives Valerie an old picture of Patricia as a teenager.   At the gym, Dante confides in Nathan about sleeping with and at the Haunted Star, Lulu and Maxie catch up.   Michael tells Sabrina he's falling in love with her. 

      HOSPITAL

        BRAD:  The thing is, Lucas, even though I was the one to pop the question Bruno Mars-style at the Nurses' Ball, I can't actually marry you. 
        LUCAS:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?   Why can't you marry me?   Is it Felix?  Is it your parents?  Are you afraid of a Big Fat Gay Wedding?    
        BRAD:  Try none of the above.  Marrying you would make me a bigamist.
        LUCAS:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?    You're already married?   I'm your mistress, or would that be your mister?  
        BRAD:  It's a long story and I'm sooooooooo sorry.  
        LUCAS:  Start talking.  

        ELM STREET HOUSE

        LUKE:  You're at the end of your rope, Luke Spencer.   The demons have won. 
        GHOST TIM SPENCER:  You bet your ASS they've won.   So quit wasting my time and end it already!  
        LUKE:  Whatsamatter, Dad?  In a hurry to get back to hell?  
        GHOST TIM:  No, you idiot, I'm here to take you WITH ME!   Because, Luke, that's where you belong.  In hell with MEEEEEEEEEE!    So hurry the hell up and pull that trigger.  
        LUKE:  I'm not going anywhere with you, you evil bastard!  
        GHOST TIM:  Oh yes you are, because YOU ARE ME, LUKE!  YOU ARE MEEEEEEEE!  
        GHOST PATRICIA:  Don't listen to him, Luke!   You are not Daddy.  
        LUKE:  Patricia!  You're so much younger than the last time I saw you.  
        GHOST PATRICIA:  When you make it to HEAVEN, you get to chose what how old your ghost is.  Listen, Luke, I protected you that night when Mama and Daddy died.   I left my family behind so you wouldn't have to face what you've done. 
         LUKE:  You did a good thing, Pat.  But I don't deserve to live.  Not after what I did to Mama. 
         GHOST LENA:  You didn't mean to whack me upside the head with a baseball bat, Luke.  You were trying to protect me from your bigoted monster of a father.  You were trying to protect us all, Luke. 
         LUKE:  Oh, Mama.  You look just like my niece Caroline!  

        METROCOURT

         BOBBIE:  Valerie, long time no see!   How would you like to help me plan a Big Fat Gay Wedding?  
         VALERIE:  I'm all for marriage equality and all, but I'm afraid that if I get in the middle of Lucas's wedding planning, his fiance might thing I'm having an affair with him.   
         BOBBIE:  Say WHAAAAAAAAT?  
         VALERIE:  I kissed my cousin's hubby.   
         BOBBIE:  You kissed Dante?  
         VALERIE:  Well, technically he kissed me because he thought Lulu was having an affair with Dillon. 
          BOBBIE:  You sure miss a lot when you're camped out in a hole in the Port Chuckles space-time continuum. 
          VALERIE:  It turns out, Lulu was just trying to save her brother's life.  
           BOBBIE:   What was wrong with Lucky?  
           VALERIE:  Some scary 200 year old man from Luke's past was holding him hostage.   It's a long story, but Dante got the wrong idea.  It won't happen again.  
           VALERIE'S UNBORN BABY:   PFFFFFFFT!  

          GYM

             DANTE:  So, I thought Lulu was gettin' it on with Dillon and I crossed the line.  
             NATHAN:  By crossing the line, you mean...
             DANTE:  I slept with Valerie.  
             NATHAN:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?  
             DANTE:  It was on the Fourth of July.   I was all wacked out on that weird craft beer, The Frustrated Peacock.  
             NATHAN:  Dude, that's strong stuff!   You gotta be careful with The Peacock.  
             DANTE:  Tell me about it.  But hey, sorry for dumping this all on you. 
             NATHAN:  So what did Lulu say when you told her what happened.  
             DANTE:  She just thinks we kissed.  I can't tell her about the sex.  It would ruin our marriage and Rocco's life. 
             NATHAN:  I won't say anything, but you'd better hope Valerie doesn't start eating for two anytime soon.  

            HAUNTED STAR

            MAXIE:  OMG, Lulu, Valerie kissed Dante?   I KNEW that girl was up to NO GOOD!  
            LULU:  Slow your roll, Maxie.  Dante was the one who kissed Valerie.  She told me she put a stop to it.  
            MAXIE:  So THAT'S her story.  
            LULU:  You don't buy it?  
            MAXIE:  You've never watched a soap opera, have you?  

            Q BOATHOUSE

            MICHAEL:  Let's go swimming.
            SABRINA:  How about I watch you swim instead.  
            MICHAEL:  Bok bok bok bok BOK!  
            SABRINA:  Or we can always have sex.
            MICHAEL:  I think I'm in LURVE!  
          
            HOSPITAL

            LUCAS:  Sorry, Brad.  I gotta go be a doctor now.  But this discussion isn't over.  I need to know who this dude is you're married to. 
       
             METROCOURT

             GHOST PATRICIA:  (seeing Valerie stare at a picture her)  Ever been hugged by a ghost before?  

             ELM STREET HOUSE

            BOBBIE:  Luke, what are you doing in this house with a gun?  
            LUKE:  Just talking to a bunch of ghosts.  Two out of three of them told me not to use it and the third, well he has spent the last fifty-two years in the seventh circle of hell.  
           
         

A Big Fat Gay Straight Double Wedding

    Carly proposes that she and Sonny and Lucas and Brad have a double wedding.   Brad confides in Felix about his BIG HUGE SECRET and Felix urges him to come clean to Lucas.  Sam and Carly see Li'l Jake for the first time since his return from the not-quite-dead.  Laura confronts Nikolas and Liz about the secret they are keeping from Big Jake/Jason.  Tracy tells Sabrina that her relationship with Luke is over.  Michael asks Luke's permission to tear down the Elm Street House and Luke just may be in the house when the wrecking ball swings through.  

     HOSPITAL

           CARLY:  Whose kidney does Invisible Joss have, Lucas? 
           LUCAS:  Damned if I know.   But maybe Brad can get his lab wizardry on and help us. 
           CARLY:  Brad may be your fiance, but he's a little too subterfugey for my taste when it comes to finding answers about my darling child of the corn.  
           LUCAS:  He's past his subterfugeyness.  That was just a phase.  He may be able to tell you whose kidney is in my niece.   I'm just glad I was able to take a blood sample.  Invisible kids can be tricky to poke.  Hey, nice rock by the way.  
           CARLY:  Sonny and I are tying the knot for the fifth time!   I have the awesomest idea!  Let's have a Big Fat Gay Straight Double Wedding!   It will get Mom off of both our backs. 
           LUCAS:  Good luck selling THAT idea to Brad. 

       HOSPITAL LOCKER ROOM

         FELIX:  Come on, Brad. I know you have a BIG HUGE GIGANTIC COLOSSAL SECRET!  
         BRAD:  Why do I ever tell YOU anything?  
         FELIX:  Because you're too scared to tell your fiance. 
         BRAD:  He might spontaneously combust if I tell him.  
         FELIX:  Then tell ME. 

        WYNDEMERE

         LAURA:  So what about this Jake Doe you are seeing, Elizabeth?  Didn't Helena do a number on him too?  
         LIZ:  She put a Cassadine mind control chip in his head and turned him into her soldier boy.  
         LAURA:  Why does that not shock me?  Oh yeah, she did pretty much the same thing to Lucky.  You might want to have your son checked too. 
         NIKOLAS:  Why the interest in Jake Doe, mother?  
         LAURA:  My grandson will be living with him, Nikolas.  It would be nice to, you know,  know a little more about him.   He's a mystery to me. 
         NIKOLAS:  He's a mystery to himself, mother.  
         LIZ:  Gotta go.  I had Jake's blood checked for Cassadine markers. 

      HAUNTED STAR

       LUKE:  So it turns out I didn't kill my grandson after all.  He was on Cassadine island doing God knows what for five years.   Can you believe it? 
       MICHAEL:  Little Jake's ALIVE?   How did he save Josslyn?  
       LUKE:  You're barking up the wrong tree here, kid.  I haven't the foggiest idea whose kidney is in your little sister's body.  For all I know, it could be a cryogenically unfrozen one that has Cassadine written all over it.  
       MICHAEL:  That could explain her...well...eccentricities.  Anyway, can I tear down your childhood home on Elm Street to build my clinic?  
       LUKE:  Sure, why not. 
       MICHAEL:  That was suspiciously easy. 

      METROCOURT

       TRACY:  Waitress.  Booze.  Now. 
       SABRINA:  I take it you've had a rough day. 
       TRACY:  Ya think?  
       SABRINA:  Is it Luke? 
       TRACY:  He apologized, I forgave him, then he proposed and I turned him down.  
       SABRINA:  And you wished you said yes, right?  
       TRACY:  Wrong.  Luke is evolving, Sabrina.  For all I know, he could evolve into a werewolf.   I love him, but I can't marry him not knowing who or what he'll become.  
        SABRINA:  So is that why you slept with Dylan's dad?   Because you're sure he WON'T turn into a werewolf?  

        HOSPITAL

        JAKE:  Sam, I kinda have to tell you something about Jake. 
        SAM:  Since when do you talk about yourself in the third person?  
        JAKE:  Not me Jake, little Jake.  The kid everyone thought was dead.  Not. Dead. 
        SAM:  Yeah, and I'm Helena Cassadine. 
        JAKE:  Funny you should mention her because she hid Li'l Jake on her island for five years. 
        SAM:  Then how did Josslyn get her kidney?  
        JAKE:  That's what Carly's trying to find out.  
        LI'L JAKE:  Jake, check this out.  A book ALL ABOUT MOTORCYCLES!  
        SAM:  O to the MG!  It REALLY IS HIM!  
        CARLY:  (starts to cry) He's really alive!   He looks SOOOOOOO much like Jason. 
        LI'L JAKE:  What is it with all this crying?   If I wasn't a mini Stone Cold I might take this personally. 

        WYNDEMERE

        LAURA:  I know Jake is really Jason.  I overheard you and Elizabeth talking.   Shame on you, Nikolas!   You're keeping him away from his FAMILY!   You're depriving him of his JASONNESS! 
        NIKOLAS:  All I'm doing is depriving the mob of a hitman.   Besides, Sam has Patrick now and Elizabeth has Jake.  Everyone is happy as long as we lie like a rug. 
       LAURA:  This is SO not the Nikolas I know.   Have you gone full Cassadine on me?  
       NIKOLAS:  I'm just trying to keep the peace.  And ELQ. 
       LAURA:  A HA!  So it's all about the corporate takeover!  SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME!  
      
       HOSPITAL

       BRAD:  Lucas, we need to chat.  It's a good thing we're in a hospital for this because it's really gonna hurt. 

       ELM STREET HOUSE

       LUKE:  Wrecking ball, come and get me!  
      

I Can't Marry You

    Tracy nixes Luke's do-over proposal.  Lulu confronts Valerie about kissing Dante.  Maxie returns from Portland and she and Nathan have a steamy "vertical encounter" in the shower.  Sonny waxes Shakespearean when he confronts Julian about his shipment being hit.  Sam advises caution to her mother about her dad's mobularity, or supposed lack thereof.  Jordan gives Dante an earful about sleeping with Valerie.

     HAUNTED STAR

      TRACY:  I forgive you, Luke, for running off with Laura to save your sons.
       LUKE:  Awesome!   Does that mean you'll take this rock back and marry me?
       TRACY:  Not so fast.  You and your dark, tortured side put me through HELL and Paul Hornsby makes me laugh. 
        LUKE:  He should make you laugh.  Hornsby's a clown.  I, on the other hand, am a skilled comedian.  C'mon, Tracy.  Let's get hitched again.  All the cool kids are doing it.
        TRACY:  You're not completely healed from your boat-bombing, ear-biting, arm-tattooing psychosis yet.
        LUKE:  I've got release papers that say otherwise.
        TRACY:  I can't be part of the Spencer Male Angst anymore.  I want fun times in the sack and Paul can give me that.  You are becoming Luke 2.0 and you need time to make that transition.
         LUKE:  Fine, I gotta fight my demons on my own time and keep you the hell away from them.
         TRACY:  Now you're getting it.  It doesn't mean I won't miss you.
         LUKE:  I'm gonna miss you too, Spanky.   Remember when we went all Weekend at Bernie's with Anthony Z's corpse?
         TRACY:  Or when I rescued you from Cassadine Island after Helena nuked you?
         LUKE:  Good times, Spanky.  Good times.

       PCPD

       LULU:  Okay, Valerie.  Time to 'fess up.
       VALERIE:  This never would have happened if you didn't LIE to Dante and take off with Dillon to Canada.
        LULU:  Look, Val, I lied to Dante, but I did it to save my brother's life.  He was going to DIE if I got any cops involved and--newsflash, cuz--Dante IS A COP!
        VALERIE:  Look, Lulu, I'm not after your hubby, but what was he supposed to think when you LIED TO HIM and took off with another man?   Have you never watched a soap opera, EVER?
         LULU:  He wouldn't have even been suspicious if you didn't blab to him that you heard me and Dillon talking in the hallway.  We were having a PRIVATE CONVERSATION!
         VALERIE: I was just trying to help a friend, Lulu.
          LULU:  By kissing him.  Was Dante choking on your cooking and you were giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

          MAXIE'S APARTMENT

         NATHAN:  Surprise, Maxie!   I've been busting my ass at the station so I can have time off to welcome you home the sexy-cop way.
         MAXIE:  You're so sweet!  But don't kiss me yet.  I'm covered in the snot of my fellow passengers.   Middle row seats totally suck.  I need to take a shower.
        NATHAN:  What a coincidence.  So do I.  Let's have shower sex!

         SONNY'S HOUSE

       SONNY:  Who goes there? 
       JULIAN:  It's me, Sonny.  Your prison wife.  You rang.
       SONNY:   Et tu, Julian?  Was it thee who hitteth my shipment? 
       JULIAN:  What the Stratford-upon-Avon has gotten into you, Corinthos?
       SONNY:   'Tis my muse, The Bard himself.   Wherefore the slings and arrows on my shipment?
       JULIAN:  Don't look at me.  I'm clean.  I bid the mob farewell when I reunited with the fair Alexis.  Damn, this Shakespeare stuff is contagious!  
       SONNY:  If it not be you, than who hath wrought such a brutal assault?
       JULIAN:  I know not.  Perhaps you shall inquire upon Julius Caesar. 

         METROCOURT

      SAM:  Workaholic much, Mom?
      ALEXIS:  Role play foreplay with your father is cutting into my time on the ELQ case.
      SAM:  Say no more!  Are you sure Dad has left the mob?   I mean, it was awfully easy for him to up and quit.
      ALEXIS:  You see, that's where it helps being his own boss.  When Flukey-Luke was running the show, he couldn't quit without my house blowing up and his son being shot.  Now that Luke is de-Fluked and he lost his baby son, Julian felt de-mobbification was the best move.
       SAM:  We'll see about that.

         PCPD

     JORDAN:  Dante, I'm going give you a heads up here.  Your father is going DOWN and you are going to help me make that happen by bringing his ass in here for questioning.
    DANTE:  Yeah, good luck with that.   He'll just get my uncle Ric to slap the department with a harassment suit.   Been there, done that. 
    JORDAN:  Fine.  We have to build a case against him PRONTO.   By the way, what were you THINKING, sleeping with Valerie?    Yeah, she told me ALL ABOUT IT. 
    DANTE:  It was a mistake, Commish.  It won't happen again.  Valerie and I are cool about the whole thing. 
    JORDAN:  Don't be so sure about that.
    VALERIE'S UNBORN BABY:  Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure if I were you.  Wait 'til I cause Val to toss her cookies all over the PCPD every morning.  Corinthos super-sperm never miss their mark. 

Whose Kidney?!?

      Patrick is flabbergasted to see an 8-year-old Li'l Jake (so he was retconned to have "died" when he was three) at the hospital for a checkup.   Meanwhile Big Jake/Jason breaks the news to Carly that Li'l Jake is alive, which begs the question, "Whose kidney was donated to Josslyn?"  Dante feels guilty about leading Valerie on.  Tracy, Paul, and Dillon have a very awkward breakfast.  Luke has a heart-to-heart with Lulu on The Haunted Star, then gets an unexpected visitor.   Nikolas is happy to hear that his mother will be sticking around.  

     HOSPITAL

      LIZ:  Patrick, look who I found!  
      PATRICK:  Um...uh...what the...he's ALIVE???  
      LIZ:  Join the club!   Imagine my state of utter flabbergastery when Lucky, Luke and Laura brought him home to me.  He is ALIVE!   I was feeling ALL THE FEELS, Patrick! 
      PATRICK:  I'm happy for you, Elizabeth.   What brings you here?   
      LIZ:  I thought I'd have him checked out, have his brain scanned for Cassadine mind control chips, you know, the usual medical workup and I want YOU to do it because you are the only doctor I trust here.  
      PATRICK:  Color me flattered.  

     SONNY'S HOUSE

      JAKE:  Carly, long time no see!  I've got something to tell you and it just might blow your mind.  Little Jake, Uhlizabeth's presumed-dead kid with Jason, is ALIVE!  
      CARLY:  NO FREAKIN' WAY!   That's awesome!   I'm so sad for Jason. 
      JAKE:  Yeah, bummer he couldn't see his kid come back from the dead. 
      CARLY:  Wait a minute...if Jake is alive, whose kidney did Josslyn get?  OMG, what if Helena gave her a FRANKEN-KIDNEY???   What if it causes her to spontaneously combust?   What if she really turns into a Child of The Corn????   OMG, I am FREAKING OUT right now. 
      JAKE:  Yeah, those rogue organs can get a little dicey.   Look on the bright side...at least it wasn't a heart transplant.  Joss could have gotten Helena's heart of darkness.  
      CARLY:  We need to go to GH and find some answers.  
      JAKE:  I'll come with.   Nice rock, by the way.  
      CARLY:  Thanks.  Sonny and I are getting married for the fifth time.   
     
     WYNDEMERE

       LAURA:  Where's Lucky? 
       NIKOLAS:  He left.  He had some angst he had to work through before he could be a father to his kids.  
       LAURA:  Bummer.  I was hoping to spend more time with him and for him to spend more time with Jake.  
       NIKOLAS:  Lucky did what he thought was best for his family.  
       LAURA:  So, seeing anyone?  
       NIKOLAS:  (to himself) Besides Petit Mort boinking with a now-comatose woman, pining for Elizabeth, and hosting random Spencer cousins...(to Laura) No, there was this one woman, but she conspired with my then-nine-year-old son to trick me into thinking he had been kidnapped.  Not to mention, she stole Lulu's embryo.   How about you?  
       LAURA:  I've dated a few Frenchmen, but nothing serious.  Say, how would you like it if I moved into Wyndemere?  That is, unless I am imposing. 
       NIKOLAS:  You're my mother.  If anyone can help me keep an eye on my precocious handful of a son, it's you.   If you run into your daughter's long-lost cousin, just nod and pretend to listen.   

     PCPD

      DANTE:  Valerie, I feel bad that I used you and led you on when I thought Lulu was banging Dillon in Canada. 
      VALERIE:  No worries.  I'm just glad I got laid by a hot cop.  
      DANTE:  You do know I'm trying to save my marriage, right?  
      VALERIE:  Yeah, good luck with that.  

     Q MANSION

       PAUL:  So, I defeated Cook II at Rock-Scissors-Paper and made her surrender the kitchen so I could make these pancakes. 
       DILLON:  I hate pancakes.  
       TRACY:  Fine.  More for me.   By the way, Dillon, thanks for LYING to me about your little adventures with my traitorous ex-fiance. 
       DILLON:  But...but...Lulu had to lie to Dante too.  Besides, Lucky's life was at stake.  
       PAUL:  A lie's a lie, son.  
       DILLON:  How fatherly of you.
       PAUL:  Your mother deserves better than Luke Spencer.  
       DILLON:  Mom, you need to give Luke the benefit of the doubt here.
       TRACY:  He held out on the whole enchilada, so he doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt.
       PAUL:  I can offer you the whole enchilada, Tracy.
       DILLON:  I'm outta here.   Consider my appetite GONE!

      HOSPITAL

        PATRICK:  Li'l Jake is as healthy as a horse.  
        LIZ:  Really?   No signs of Helena's brainwashing?   Have you shown him any diamonds or told him that he's active yet?  
        PATRICK:  The kid's as good as new, Elizabeth.  Not a scratch or scar on him.  It's a goddamn miracle if you ask me.  
         LIZ:  I can't wait to tell Lucky.  If I he hasn't fled the country yet.  He really needs to get a handle on that Spencer male angst thing.  
         PATRICK:  I can relate.  Robin would rather be eating croissants on the Champs Elyssees than be a mother to Emma.  That's why I'm in the sack with Sam.  Speaking of which, any chance you'll bring Li'l Jake over to hang with his half-brother Danny?  
         LIZ:  Danny?  He hasn't even seen Cameron or Aiden yet!  
   
        HAUNTED STAR

        LUKE:  Guess what, cupcake!  Your nephew Li'l Jake is ALIVE!   Lucky found him on Cassadine Island hanging out with The Queen The Damned.  
        LULU:  OMG!   That is amazing!   Dante kissed Valerie because he thought I cheated on him with Dillon.
        LUKE:  I can do you one better.  Tracy slept with Paul Hornsby because she thought I was cheating on her with Laura.  
        LULU:  Okay, fine, you win on that one.  I'm still going to get all in Valerie's face about her kissing Dante, though.  

         Q MANSION
 
         PAUL:  Hey, Dillon, can I at least TRY this fathering thing with you?  
         DILLON:  Sure, why not, it's only been, what, a quarter century or so.  
         PAUL:  Better late than never. 
         DILLON:  Fine, just stay out of the whole Luke thing and I'll think about the having a dad thing.  

         HAUNTED STAR

        TRACY:  Here I am.  I've returned to the scene of the crime.  
        LUKE:  Can we have a do-over?