Port Chuckles rings in the new year with a marriage proposal, some questionable jewels, a semi-disguised fugitive, a friendly smooch, and a moving leg.
FLOATING RIB
MORGAN: I need a side of booze with these pills. What could possibly go wrong?
VALERIE: OMG, my team HAS TO WIN!
DILLON: I'm just here to forget about my dastardly dad.
VALERIE: I'm here to forget about my ex-not-quite-boyfriend.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
PATRICK: I know we've been there, done that and all, but Robin, would you marry me AGAIN? Hey, Sonny and Carly have done it five times.
ROBIN: Hey, I wanted to propose to you this time!
PATRICK: Let's just say yes and have some sex.
ROBIN: Works for me.
PIER 54
FRANCO: Here's the dough. Hand over the bling.
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY (wearing 2016 glasses): How is this for a disguise, Lulu? Nothing like ringing in the new year with your favorite fugitive!
LULU: Can we not say the F word?
JOHNNY: You're right. I should wash my mouth out with soap.
NINA: Hey hot black guy! Wanna be in my fashion magazine?
CURTIS: No wonder you so fly!
FRANCO: Boyfriend at nine o'clock!
CURTIS: Aren't you a serial killer?
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: So, Michael, what's going down with you and Sabrina tonight?
MICHAEL: About that...Sabs just isn't feeling this New Year's Eve thing.
CARLY: We should totally throw a last-minute New Year's Eve party!
JASON: Hey Sonny, here's your bail money back. Thanks for the save. I'm out.
DANTE: Let's hit the rib and watch the game.
FLOATING RIB
SAM: Jason? Wanna shoot some pool?
JASON: What the hey? It's not like I actually remember what team I'm supposed to root for in this college football thing. Do I even like college football?
KRISTINA: Hi Jason. I'm Sam's li'l sis Kristina. Remember how awesome you used to be?
JASON: See, that's the problem. The ol' memory just isn't working like it used to. Being run over by an SUV can kinda do that to ya. That and being defrosted and remotely controlled by Cassadines.
DANTE: Hi Valerie!
VALERIE: This is not awkward AT ALL...
DILLON: We can always check out the Haunted Star.
VALERIE: I think I've been banned. You know, cousin whose hubby I shagged and all.
HAUNTED STAR
FRANCO: You know how in Russia they give presents for New Years instead of Christmas? Happy New Year, Nina.
NINA: O to the MG! Who did you mug to get that kind of cash?
FRANCO: If you must ask, it was your mattress, Nina. I mugged your mattress and now I want to have sex with you on it.
LULU: Cop alert! Go hide!
JOHNNY: But I was having so much fun in these ridiculous goggles.
LULU: Go to your room, Johnny! It's past your bedtime!
OUTSIDE FLOATING RIB
VALERIE: Happy New Year, Dillon!
DILLON: Happy New Year, Valerie. (kisses her)
VALERIE: Too soon, Dillon. Too soon.
DILLON: I get it. Friend zone.
VALERIE: I could use some of those in this town.
PIER 54
DANTE: Morgan, what's up? You know this pier is crawling mobsters and gun-runners, don't you?
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Did my leg just move?
CARLY: OMG, it TOTALLY moved! 2016 is already THE AWESOMESAUCE!
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
The Bridge
At The Bridge Of All The Jason And Robin Feels, Robin reminds Jason that he was not 100% Sonny's killbot. Maxie tells Patrick to get back together with Robin already. Dillon tells his dad to stop screwing around on his mom. Dante wants to question Nikolas and Hayden separately. Johnny wants Lulu and hopes she's ditched Dante for good.
BRIDGE
ROBIN: Remember how you used to come here after you had that accident that turned you into Sonny's BFF and mob enforcer?
JASON: Um, no. You see, memory is a bit of a problem for me, because, you know, accident and all.
ROBIN: Yeah, sorry to hear about you losing your memory in Accident #2. Anyway, I came here when I thought I was going to have to take 30 pills, then die of AIDS and you told me I didn't have to take 30 pills if I didn't want to.
JASON: So now I was a nice guy? I'm confused. Everyone else thinks I was a mob goon. A mob goon they happened to like a whole lot, but a mob goon just the same. I think I like your version of events better.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
MAXIE: So, have you gotten back together with Robin yet? When are you getting remarried? Did you get her a ring? Can I see it???
PATRICK: Can we turn the Maxie down just a little? We're not back together, but we're not NOT back together either. It's complicated.
MAXIE: Complicated Shmomplicated! You love Robin. She was captured by a bunch of pyschos AGAIN! Now she's back AGAIN! So pop the question already!
PATRICK: And here I thought your wedding planning thing was on hold now that you're back at Crimson.
METROCOURT
MORGAN: So, how was Christmas With The Enemy?
KIKI: You mean my mom? I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, but it wasn't horrible. I mean, my baby sister was all cute and everything.
MORGAN: Yeah, thanks for bringing her over to see Dad. How'd you swing that?
KIKI: I threatened to withhold Mom's gingerbread.
MORGAN: Oooookaaaaay.
KIKI: She was all over the idea of us making a gingerbread house together, so I was like, "Let me take Avery to see Sonny or NO GINGERBREAD FOR YOU!"
DILLON: Hey DAD! I heard a nasty rumor that mom caught you with your pants down in some mob chick's hotel room. Say it ain't so!
PAUL: I can neither confirm nor deny that I had sex with that woman.
DILLON: Wow, you totally suck as an ex-husband wanting to rebuild his family with his ex-wife and their son! Not that there was much of a family to rebuild since you forgot I existed for over two decades.
PAUL: But...but...I still want to be your dad.
DILLON: I'm gonna have to put you on dad probation.
HOSPITAL
SONNY: You and Lulu were looking all cozy at Christmas. So did you dump that Valerie chick and get back with your wife?
DANTE: It's complicated. Lulu kicked me to the curb.
SONNY: Don't be a jackass, Dante. Make up your mind what you want and get it done, son.
DANTE: Thanks for the dad speech. I've gotta go interrogate some witnesses from that Flying Cassadine incident at the Christmas gala thingy.
NIKOLAS: So we're straight on the plan, Hayden? We let Jason ride for the balcony incident. Say he was just seeing if Cassadines can really fly. Then, we own him. Got it?
HAYDEN: I guess. I mean, it's not like he nearly KILLED you or anything.
NIKOLAS: I'm touched that you were worried.
HAYDEN: Yeah, well I sort of have some feels for you, Princey Prince.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Hey secret fugitive friend!
JOHNNY: About the friend part...I was kinda lookin' for an upgrade.
LULU: Get in line, boy. It forms behind Dillon Quartermaine.
JOHNNY: That kid? PFFFFFFFFT! What's HE got on JOHNNY "BRINGIN' SEXY BACK" ZACCHARA? Remember when we were a thing?
LULU: I was a totally different person back then. The only reason I'm letting you hang out on this boat and risking being sent to the slammer is so you can deal with Valerie.
PCPD
JORDAN: I've got a date for New Year's Eve.
VALERIE: Good for you! Wish I could say the same.
JORDAN: As long as it isn't with Dante. Word to the wise: don't fraternize.
HOSPITAL
DANTE: So, Cassadine, what happened before you went sailing over the balcony on the MetroCourt terrace?
NIKOLAS: I was just telling Jason about my family's experiments in human flight. After all, my grandmother went over a cliff and lived to tell the tale. This, naturally, made Jason very curious. He wanted to see for himself if Cassadines could really fly, so that's how I ended up here. Unfortunately, the experiments were cut short when Grandmother siphoned off funds for more pressing issues like world domination and cryogenics.
HAYDEN: (on the phone with Curtis) What's up?
CURTIS: The bullet in the garage was from Shawn's gun. Ergo, the one in your head...that came from somebody else.
METROCOURT
DILLON: Ever hear of answering text messages? I left you about 200 but NO, I had to go off on my dad ALL BY MYSELF!
MAXIE: Sorry, Dillon. I was just telling my friend Patrick what to do about his twice-kidnapped wife who is back in Port Chuckles after escaping the forces of evil AGAIN. Said wife is sort of my cousin because her uncle is sort of my dad because my real dad...well, you can relate to that one.
HOSPITAL
DANTE: Ms. Barnes, what do you remember about the night your friend in there went sailing over the Metro Court balcony.
HAYDEN: So THAT'S why he's in the hospital with a Kotex on his neck! Seriously, I totally blocked it out.
DANTE: If you start remembering, give us a call.
HAYDEN: Yeah, will do.
SONNY: Max, what you got on Raj?
MAX: He's got a shipment coming in at Pier 54 tonight.
SONNY: Not anymore he don't.
MORGAN: (hiding around the corner) I'm all over this. Finally, my life has purpose! ALL THE EXCITEMENT FEELS!
PCPD
JORDAN: You again.
CURTIS: Nice to see you too, Miss Jordan, the POlice commissioner.
JORDAN: Get lost!
BRIDGE
ROBIN: Remember how you used to come here after you had that accident that turned you into Sonny's BFF and mob enforcer?
JASON: Um, no. You see, memory is a bit of a problem for me, because, you know, accident and all.
ROBIN: Yeah, sorry to hear about you losing your memory in Accident #2. Anyway, I came here when I thought I was going to have to take 30 pills, then die of AIDS and you told me I didn't have to take 30 pills if I didn't want to.
JASON: So now I was a nice guy? I'm confused. Everyone else thinks I was a mob goon. A mob goon they happened to like a whole lot, but a mob goon just the same. I think I like your version of events better.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
MAXIE: So, have you gotten back together with Robin yet? When are you getting remarried? Did you get her a ring? Can I see it???
PATRICK: Can we turn the Maxie down just a little? We're not back together, but we're not NOT back together either. It's complicated.
MAXIE: Complicated Shmomplicated! You love Robin. She was captured by a bunch of pyschos AGAIN! Now she's back AGAIN! So pop the question already!
PATRICK: And here I thought your wedding planning thing was on hold now that you're back at Crimson.
METROCOURT
MORGAN: So, how was Christmas With The Enemy?
KIKI: You mean my mom? I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, but it wasn't horrible. I mean, my baby sister was all cute and everything.
MORGAN: Yeah, thanks for bringing her over to see Dad. How'd you swing that?
KIKI: I threatened to withhold Mom's gingerbread.
MORGAN: Oooookaaaaay.
KIKI: She was all over the idea of us making a gingerbread house together, so I was like, "Let me take Avery to see Sonny or NO GINGERBREAD FOR YOU!"
DILLON: Hey DAD! I heard a nasty rumor that mom caught you with your pants down in some mob chick's hotel room. Say it ain't so!
PAUL: I can neither confirm nor deny that I had sex with that woman.
DILLON: Wow, you totally suck as an ex-husband wanting to rebuild his family with his ex-wife and their son! Not that there was much of a family to rebuild since you forgot I existed for over two decades.
PAUL: But...but...I still want to be your dad.
DILLON: I'm gonna have to put you on dad probation.
HOSPITAL
SONNY: You and Lulu were looking all cozy at Christmas. So did you dump that Valerie chick and get back with your wife?
DANTE: It's complicated. Lulu kicked me to the curb.
SONNY: Don't be a jackass, Dante. Make up your mind what you want and get it done, son.
DANTE: Thanks for the dad speech. I've gotta go interrogate some witnesses from that Flying Cassadine incident at the Christmas gala thingy.
NIKOLAS: So we're straight on the plan, Hayden? We let Jason ride for the balcony incident. Say he was just seeing if Cassadines can really fly. Then, we own him. Got it?
HAYDEN: I guess. I mean, it's not like he nearly KILLED you or anything.
NIKOLAS: I'm touched that you were worried.
HAYDEN: Yeah, well I sort of have some feels for you, Princey Prince.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Hey secret fugitive friend!
JOHNNY: About the friend part...I was kinda lookin' for an upgrade.
LULU: Get in line, boy. It forms behind Dillon Quartermaine.
JOHNNY: That kid? PFFFFFFFFT! What's HE got on JOHNNY "BRINGIN' SEXY BACK" ZACCHARA? Remember when we were a thing?
LULU: I was a totally different person back then. The only reason I'm letting you hang out on this boat and risking being sent to the slammer is so you can deal with Valerie.
PCPD
JORDAN: I've got a date for New Year's Eve.
VALERIE: Good for you! Wish I could say the same.
JORDAN: As long as it isn't with Dante. Word to the wise: don't fraternize.
HOSPITAL
DANTE: So, Cassadine, what happened before you went sailing over the balcony on the MetroCourt terrace?
NIKOLAS: I was just telling Jason about my family's experiments in human flight. After all, my grandmother went over a cliff and lived to tell the tale. This, naturally, made Jason very curious. He wanted to see for himself if Cassadines could really fly, so that's how I ended up here. Unfortunately, the experiments were cut short when Grandmother siphoned off funds for more pressing issues like world domination and cryogenics.
HAYDEN: (on the phone with Curtis) What's up?
CURTIS: The bullet in the garage was from Shawn's gun. Ergo, the one in your head...that came from somebody else.
METROCOURT
DILLON: Ever hear of answering text messages? I left you about 200 but NO, I had to go off on my dad ALL BY MYSELF!
MAXIE: Sorry, Dillon. I was just telling my friend Patrick what to do about his twice-kidnapped wife who is back in Port Chuckles after escaping the forces of evil AGAIN. Said wife is sort of my cousin because her uncle is sort of my dad because my real dad...well, you can relate to that one.
HOSPITAL
DANTE: Ms. Barnes, what do you remember about the night your friend in there went sailing over the Metro Court balcony.
HAYDEN: So THAT'S why he's in the hospital with a Kotex on his neck! Seriously, I totally blocked it out.
DANTE: If you start remembering, give us a call.
HAYDEN: Yeah, will do.
SONNY: Max, what you got on Raj?
MAX: He's got a shipment coming in at Pier 54 tonight.
SONNY: Not anymore he don't.
MORGAN: (hiding around the corner) I'm all over this. Finally, my life has purpose! ALL THE EXCITEMENT FEELS!
PCPD
JORDAN: You again.
CURTIS: Nice to see you too, Miss Jordan, the POlice commissioner.
JORDAN: Get lost!
Monday, December 28, 2015
Don't Call Me Stone Cold
Jason tells Spinelli that he appreciates his friendship, but that he still hates the nickname Stone Cold. Sam and Patrick talk about Jason and Robin. Liz and Hayden want different things from Nikolas. Paul tries to make amends with Tracy while Sabrina tries to do the same with Michael. Anna and Mac discover that Sloane is dead and speculate that Paul did the deed.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
PATRICK: I'm so happy we are safely teleported back to Port Chuckles and you're free from the nest of evil that is the Cassadines and Jerry Jacks.
ROBIN: Me too.
SAM: Am I interrupting something? Hi Robin! How was Paris?
ROBIN: It looked a helluva lot like some private island in Greece. By the way, thanks for being faux mommy to Emma while I was trying to cure death for a couple of evil overlords.
SAM: No sweat! Emma's the awesomesauce.
ROBIN: This is super awkward. I just remembered I have to have my brain scanned for Cassadine chips. Catch you later, Patrick?
PARK
SPINELLI: It is most fortuitous to encounter you here, Stone Cold.
JASON: About that nickname, can you do me a favor and forget it existed? I'm not so wild on being reminded of my murderous skill set and ability to throw seemingly indestructible Cassadines over hospital balconies.
SPINELLI: Duly noted. Though if I must protest, I believe it was Sir Cassadine who initiated the altercation.
JASON: Who knows? Hayden thinks I drop-kicked him over the balcony because his grandmother tried to control my mind and he and my ex-fiancee kept my identity a secret from me for SEVEN FRIGGIN' MONTHS!
SPINELLI: While it is true that your capabilities can present themselves as most lethal, you really are a good person, Jason. You're my bestie and I have somewhat of a man-crush on you.
JASON: I'll try my best not to be creeped out by that.
Q MANSION
PAUL: I've said it once and I'll say it again: That is one big-ass Christmas tree!
TRACY: Pack your bags, Paul. On second thought, don't bother. Alice packed them for you.
PAUL: But...but...I thought I was your FRIEND!
TRACY: I see. No, I don't see. You slept with a mob boss. I witnessed it. I can break you, Paul Hornsby.
PAUL: But...but...Dillon
TRACY: Will join me in taking you DOWN once he finds out what you did to me. I should have known which organ you made your decisions with.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SABRINA: But...but...I lied because I was scared you wouldn't accept Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos's baby as your own.
MICHAEL: Six of one, half dozen of another. Lies are a dealbreaker with us Corinthoses. Or is it Corinthi? Whatever. The jig is up.
SABRINA: So does that mean you won't pretend this baby is a Q even if he starts rolling his Rs?
MICHAEL: Pretty much. Oh, by the way, here's the baby's Christmas present, even though it's not my kid. Have a nice life.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Nikolas, you HAVE to say Jason sent you flying over the balcony by accident.
HAYDEN: By accident MY ASS! My ex-fake-hubby tried to MURDER my un-trusting boyfriend!
LIZ: Don't listen to that hysterical woman. She's a pathological liar.
HAYDEN: Pot, meet kettle. It was attempted murder. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
NIKOLAS: Ladies, give it a rest! I have my own Cassadine ways for dealing with Jason.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
SAM: Sorry if this was a bad time. Danny got busy with the finger paints and interpreted Starry Starry Night for you for Christmas. I guess I should be relieved he has both of his ears.
PATRICK: You know how I was all pissed at you for not being over Jason? It turns out I'm a colossal hypocrite because I'm not over Robin. I kind of saved her life while she was faking her death on Cassadine Island.
SAM: If anyone can save the life of someone faking their death, it's you.
PATRICK: So, are you and Jason back together yet?
SAM: Not yet. He's still somewhere between friendship and friendship with benefits as far as he and I are concerned.
BRIDGE
MAC: Good news! Sloane is dead.
ANNA: Well, he and I didn't always see eye-to-eye, but I wouldn't go that far.
MAC: I mean that now we might have something on that corrupt, good-for-nothing D.A.
ANNA: You have a point. If Sloane set me up to not-quite-kill Carrrrrrrrrrrlos and Paul was pulling his strings, then Paul would want to off his witness and burn the body before anyone figured out it wasn't Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos.
MAC: Bingo! Now we just have to prove that Paul offed Sloane.
ANNA: Yeah, there is that...
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Robin! Long time, no see!
ROBIN: I hear you and Jason are a thing now. Congrats.
LIZ: We're not a thing anymore because I lied to him and trapped him.
ROBIN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LIZ: I wanted Jason to myself. If word got out that he was Jason, Mama Bear Carly would snatch him up and feed him to Sam. You know how Carly is.
ROBIN: Yeah, totally not judging you.
BRIDGE
JASON: Are you this person called Robin?
ROBIN: OMG, are you JASON???
PATRICK'S HOUSE
PATRICK: I'm so happy we are safely teleported back to Port Chuckles and you're free from the nest of evil that is the Cassadines and Jerry Jacks.
ROBIN: Me too.
SAM: Am I interrupting something? Hi Robin! How was Paris?
ROBIN: It looked a helluva lot like some private island in Greece. By the way, thanks for being faux mommy to Emma while I was trying to cure death for a couple of evil overlords.
SAM: No sweat! Emma's the awesomesauce.
ROBIN: This is super awkward. I just remembered I have to have my brain scanned for Cassadine chips. Catch you later, Patrick?
PARK
SPINELLI: It is most fortuitous to encounter you here, Stone Cold.
JASON: About that nickname, can you do me a favor and forget it existed? I'm not so wild on being reminded of my murderous skill set and ability to throw seemingly indestructible Cassadines over hospital balconies.
SPINELLI: Duly noted. Though if I must protest, I believe it was Sir Cassadine who initiated the altercation.
JASON: Who knows? Hayden thinks I drop-kicked him over the balcony because his grandmother tried to control my mind and he and my ex-fiancee kept my identity a secret from me for SEVEN FRIGGIN' MONTHS!
SPINELLI: While it is true that your capabilities can present themselves as most lethal, you really are a good person, Jason. You're my bestie and I have somewhat of a man-crush on you.
JASON: I'll try my best not to be creeped out by that.
Q MANSION
PAUL: I've said it once and I'll say it again: That is one big-ass Christmas tree!
TRACY: Pack your bags, Paul. On second thought, don't bother. Alice packed them for you.
PAUL: But...but...I thought I was your FRIEND!
TRACY: I see. No, I don't see. You slept with a mob boss. I witnessed it. I can break you, Paul Hornsby.
PAUL: But...but...Dillon
TRACY: Will join me in taking you DOWN once he finds out what you did to me. I should have known which organ you made your decisions with.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SABRINA: But...but...I lied because I was scared you wouldn't accept Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos's baby as your own.
MICHAEL: Six of one, half dozen of another. Lies are a dealbreaker with us Corinthoses. Or is it Corinthi? Whatever. The jig is up.
SABRINA: So does that mean you won't pretend this baby is a Q even if he starts rolling his Rs?
MICHAEL: Pretty much. Oh, by the way, here's the baby's Christmas present, even though it's not my kid. Have a nice life.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Nikolas, you HAVE to say Jason sent you flying over the balcony by accident.
HAYDEN: By accident MY ASS! My ex-fake-hubby tried to MURDER my un-trusting boyfriend!
LIZ: Don't listen to that hysterical woman. She's a pathological liar.
HAYDEN: Pot, meet kettle. It was attempted murder. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
NIKOLAS: Ladies, give it a rest! I have my own Cassadine ways for dealing with Jason.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
SAM: Sorry if this was a bad time. Danny got busy with the finger paints and interpreted Starry Starry Night for you for Christmas. I guess I should be relieved he has both of his ears.
PATRICK: You know how I was all pissed at you for not being over Jason? It turns out I'm a colossal hypocrite because I'm not over Robin. I kind of saved her life while she was faking her death on Cassadine Island.
SAM: If anyone can save the life of someone faking their death, it's you.
PATRICK: So, are you and Jason back together yet?
SAM: Not yet. He's still somewhere between friendship and friendship with benefits as far as he and I are concerned.
BRIDGE
MAC: Good news! Sloane is dead.
ANNA: Well, he and I didn't always see eye-to-eye, but I wouldn't go that far.
MAC: I mean that now we might have something on that corrupt, good-for-nothing D.A.
ANNA: You have a point. If Sloane set me up to not-quite-kill Carrrrrrrrrrrlos and Paul was pulling his strings, then Paul would want to off his witness and burn the body before anyone figured out it wasn't Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos.
MAC: Bingo! Now we just have to prove that Paul offed Sloane.
ANNA: Yeah, there is that...
HOSPITAL
LIZ: Robin! Long time, no see!
ROBIN: I hear you and Jason are a thing now. Congrats.
LIZ: We're not a thing anymore because I lied to him and trapped him.
ROBIN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LIZ: I wanted Jason to myself. If word got out that he was Jason, Mama Bear Carly would snatch him up and feed him to Sam. You know how Carly is.
ROBIN: Yeah, totally not judging you.
BRIDGE
JASON: Are you this person called Robin?
ROBIN: OMG, are you JASON???
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Merry Christmas To All...
General Hilarity is taking a little Christmas break for the rest of the week. Have a wonderful, safe, and happy holiday!
Monday, December 21, 2015
Santa Claus Rolls His Rs
A fugitive Santa, a drunken Liz and a marriage proposal...must be Christmas in The Chuckles! And, let us not forget Paul's booty call with Ava and the appearance of the always-entertaining Dr. Obrecht. Meanwhile, in Greece, Jerry insists that Robin is dead.
METROCOURT
SAM, LIZ, JASON: Well THIS is awkward!
SAM: I'm just here because my mother's forgetful.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: Your precious Robin is deceased and it's all because of HELena. It was all her idea.
ROBERT: Show us proof, you most foul fellow countryman!
JERRY: (pulls out picture of Robin with an apparent gunshot wound) Is this dead enough for you?
ANNA: Been there, done that where fake deaths and my daughter are concerned. I need to see a BODY!
METROCOURT BALLROOM
SAM: Looking for something, Mom?
ALEXIS: There's that dang check! Staying around?
SAM: Why not? I'm wearing my FINEST pair of jeans and my BEST leather jacket. Besides, I'm just dying to see Jason and Elizabeth.
FRANCO: Hey you? Aren't you supposed to be my date?
LIZ: Oh yeah. I keep conveniently forgetting.
OBRECHT: Vat aah you doing heah viss Franco, Nuhse Vebber?
LIZ: I was just leaving.
OBRECHT: You vill do no such sing! Nobody leaves my LIEBFRAUMILCH in ze lurch!
LIZ: Hey Jason, did YOU know that LAURA kept the BIG HUGE SECRET of your identity from you too? Right, Laura? Have a slice of blame pie! There's plenty to go around.
JASON: Methinks you're wasted.
LIZ: And what about Nikolas and Hayden? Even LITTLE JAKE knew! HA HA HA! Even my 8 year old, emotionally stunted, possibly brainwashed son knew you were Jason!
LAURA: Let's put a sandwich in that drunken stomach of yours, Elizabeth.
JULIAN: Ladies, I need your permission to pop the question to your mom. Raise your hand and say "aye" if you're totally cool with me becoming Mr. Alexis Davis.
SAM: You KNOW I'm all over that.
KRISTINA: Sure, why not?
JULIAN: How about you, Molly? If you don't run screaming from the room, can I take that as a yes?
MOLLY: Oh look! There's Mom now. Tell her your deep, dark secret, Julian. Before I change my mind.
MONICA: Wow, Michael, it looks like Sabrina's about ready to POP!
MICHAEL: Yeah, it looks like this baby took the express train. Either that, or Sabs has a lot of explaining to do.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Aren't you coming to the gala with me?
SONNY: I can't. Something suddenly came up.
CARLY: I get it. You aren't feeling up to partying tonight.
SONNY: Nah. It's just that I have to see if Ava's running guns with Raj. If she is, we get Avery under our Christmas tree.
METROCOURT BALLROOM
PAUL: Dr. Q, prepare to open your checkbook because I've collected 93 guns! For the amnesty thing. Yeah, the gun amnesty-slash-sell your guns to the new D.A. program.
THE TRUTH: Shame shame shame, Paul Hornsby! Taking advantage of a charitable event to build your arsenal. Shaking. My. Head...Vigorously.
TRACY: Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen?
DONATION ROOM
SANTA CARRRRRRRRRRLOS: Ho Ho Ho, Querrrrrrida! When are you gonna tell Michael that Santa Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos is your baby daddy? Run away to the North Pole with me! I've got a big red Mrs. Claus suit waiting for you.
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos! You CAN'T BE HERE!
SANTA CARRRRRRRRRRRLOS: You sound like a broken record, Zabrrrrrrrrrrrina!
MICHAEL: I'm coming in!
SABRINA: Michael, meet Santa!
OUTSIDE METROCOURT
ALEXIS: Julian, if you are back in the mob, I swear I will actually kill you.
JULIAN: In light of this not-so-subtle death threat, Alexis Davis, will you marry me?
ALEXIS: OMG OMG OMG! YES!
SAM: I wanna be alone
JASON: So do I. Well, sort of. Can we hang out for a bit?
SAM: I guess. It's not like I've got anything better to do. Patrick and I are history.
JASON: Is it because of me still sorta being your husband?
SAM: Kinda.
JASON: I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you told me that Elizabeth knew I was Jason.
SONNY'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: Hey Dad, can I take a selfie with you?
SONNY: You sure can. I'll even let you tag me on Facebook AND Instagram.
KRISTINA: Hey, we could totally make a VINE!
ROOM 306
PAUL: Where's my booty call? Where's the sex kitten I'm blackmailing with a flash drive recording?
AVA: It's about damn time! Come here, you hunk of corrupt District Attorney!
METROCOURT
SAM, LIZ, JASON: Well THIS is awkward!
SAM: I'm just here because my mother's forgetful.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: Your precious Robin is deceased and it's all because of HELena. It was all her idea.
ROBERT: Show us proof, you most foul fellow countryman!
JERRY: (pulls out picture of Robin with an apparent gunshot wound) Is this dead enough for you?
ANNA: Been there, done that where fake deaths and my daughter are concerned. I need to see a BODY!
METROCOURT BALLROOM
SAM: Looking for something, Mom?
ALEXIS: There's that dang check! Staying around?
SAM: Why not? I'm wearing my FINEST pair of jeans and my BEST leather jacket. Besides, I'm just dying to see Jason and Elizabeth.
FRANCO: Hey you? Aren't you supposed to be my date?
LIZ: Oh yeah. I keep conveniently forgetting.
OBRECHT: Vat aah you doing heah viss Franco, Nuhse Vebber?
LIZ: I was just leaving.
OBRECHT: You vill do no such sing! Nobody leaves my LIEBFRAUMILCH in ze lurch!
LIZ: Hey Jason, did YOU know that LAURA kept the BIG HUGE SECRET of your identity from you too? Right, Laura? Have a slice of blame pie! There's plenty to go around.
JASON: Methinks you're wasted.
LIZ: And what about Nikolas and Hayden? Even LITTLE JAKE knew! HA HA HA! Even my 8 year old, emotionally stunted, possibly brainwashed son knew you were Jason!
LAURA: Let's put a sandwich in that drunken stomach of yours, Elizabeth.
JULIAN: Ladies, I need your permission to pop the question to your mom. Raise your hand and say "aye" if you're totally cool with me becoming Mr. Alexis Davis.
SAM: You KNOW I'm all over that.
KRISTINA: Sure, why not?
JULIAN: How about you, Molly? If you don't run screaming from the room, can I take that as a yes?
MOLLY: Oh look! There's Mom now. Tell her your deep, dark secret, Julian. Before I change my mind.
MONICA: Wow, Michael, it looks like Sabrina's about ready to POP!
MICHAEL: Yeah, it looks like this baby took the express train. Either that, or Sabs has a lot of explaining to do.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Aren't you coming to the gala with me?
SONNY: I can't. Something suddenly came up.
CARLY: I get it. You aren't feeling up to partying tonight.
SONNY: Nah. It's just that I have to see if Ava's running guns with Raj. If she is, we get Avery under our Christmas tree.
METROCOURT BALLROOM
PAUL: Dr. Q, prepare to open your checkbook because I've collected 93 guns! For the amnesty thing. Yeah, the gun amnesty-slash-sell your guns to the new D.A. program.
THE TRUTH: Shame shame shame, Paul Hornsby! Taking advantage of a charitable event to build your arsenal. Shaking. My. Head...Vigorously.
TRACY: Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen?
DONATION ROOM
SANTA CARRRRRRRRRRLOS: Ho Ho Ho, Querrrrrrida! When are you gonna tell Michael that Santa Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos is your baby daddy? Run away to the North Pole with me! I've got a big red Mrs. Claus suit waiting for you.
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos! You CAN'T BE HERE!
SANTA CARRRRRRRRRRRLOS: You sound like a broken record, Zabrrrrrrrrrrrina!
MICHAEL: I'm coming in!
SABRINA: Michael, meet Santa!
OUTSIDE METROCOURT
ALEXIS: Julian, if you are back in the mob, I swear I will actually kill you.
JULIAN: In light of this not-so-subtle death threat, Alexis Davis, will you marry me?
ALEXIS: OMG OMG OMG! YES!
SAM: I wanna be alone
JASON: So do I. Well, sort of. Can we hang out for a bit?
SAM: I guess. It's not like I've got anything better to do. Patrick and I are history.
JASON: Is it because of me still sorta being your husband?
SAM: Kinda.
JASON: I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you told me that Elizabeth knew I was Jason.
SONNY'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: Hey Dad, can I take a selfie with you?
SONNY: You sure can. I'll even let you tag me on Facebook AND Instagram.
KRISTINA: Hey, we could totally make a VINE!
ROOM 306
PAUL: Where's my booty call? Where's the sex kitten I'm blackmailing with a flash drive recording?
AVA: It's about damn time! Come here, you hunk of corrupt District Attorney!
Thursday, December 17, 2015
G'Day, Robert!
Good news, mates! Robert Scorpio's in the house! The house on Cassadine Island where Anna, Patrick, and Robert plan strategy for rescuing Robin, that is. Back in The Chuckles, The Nutcracker Gala is about to start and Nina is about to lose it when Maxie has to skip out to pay respects to her dearly departed sister Georgie on the anniversary of her death. Franco arm-twists Liz into attending the gala while Carly does the same for Jason. Kristina's in a bit of trouble at school and tries to cover it up by hacking into Alexis's email. Robin pleads with Jerry's goon to call her family and say goodbye.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
ALEXIS: You are going to the gala and you are going to be nice to Julian BECAUSE I SAID SO!
MOLLY: Worst. Gala. Ever.
ALEXIS: I heard that.
KRISTINA: I'm baaaaaaaack!
MOLLY: Awesome! You can come to this gala thing and distract me so I don't have to fake-smile at Julian! Sam, you're coming too, right?
SAM: Wrong! I'm suffering from Post-Patrick Stress Disorder, so I'm staying home "sick".
MOLLY: No fair!
KRISTINA: Molly, what's Mom's email password? I need to erase a note from school that says I'm in a huge heap of trouble.
METROCOURT BALLROOM
MAXIE: Be right back, Nina. Gotta go talk to my sister's tombstone.
NINA: But...but...you're kinda my puppet master, Maxie! If you go, my mouth will move, but no words will come out.
HOSPITAL
SAM: Where's Patrick?
RECEPTIONIST: He's on leave.
LIZ: 'Cuz YOU chased him away! You happy now?
SAM: Yeah, because I told Jason the truth, unlike some other people I know.
LIZ: Save it, Sam. We were all living happy little lies and you had to go tell the truth and wreck EVERYTHING!
SAM: Screw you!
CEMETERY
MAXIE: Hi Dillon. I know you're sad about Georgie too.
DILLON: Yeah, even though I was a different person when we were together, I still miss her.
MAXIE: What's that?
DILLON: I like to keep busy when talking to ghosts. It's a rubbing of Georgie's headstone. It's kinda your Christmas present.
MAXIE: Aw, Dillon! I'm getting ALL THE FEELS now!
CASSADINE ISLAND
ROBERT: G'day Anna, Patrick. We got some strategizing to do.
ANNA: OMG, Robert!
PATRICK: Do you have any idea who could be holding Robin? Word on the street is that Helena's six feet under.
ROBERT: Me Aussie spies in the WSB have been looking into a certain rather nefarious countryman of mine, one Jerry Jacks.
LAB ON CASSADINE ISLAND
ROBIN: Please be nice to me and let me live.
JERRY'S OPERA GOON: Um...no. I have my orders.
ROBIN: If you're going to kill me, can you at least let me call my family and say goodbye?
JERRY'S OPERA GOON: Make it quick.
ROBIN: (on phone with Patrick) Hello Patrick. Goodbye Patrick. I have to go to Lyceum.
CASSADINE ISLAND
PATRICK: What the hell's Lyceum?
ANNA: Well, it's the opposite of hell.
PATRICK: We have to find her YESTERDAY!
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Since we're sort kinda friends now, will you go to the Nutcracker Gala thing with me tonight? It's totally not a date, because, well, Nina, but we're two pariahs in a pod, so what the hell?
LIZ: Um...no.
METROCOURT BAR
CARLY: Jason, you HAVE to go to the Nutcracker Gala tonight.
JASON: Why?
CARLY: Hello? BECAUSE I SAID SO!
OUTSIDE METROCOURT BALLROOM
NINA: (posing for a picture) Wow, do I have visual pop or what?
MAXIE: OMG, you accidentally sounded like a fashionista! YAY!!!
SAM: Can you get this check to one Alexis Davis?
LIZ: What are YOU doing here?
JASON: Good question.
CASSADINE ISLAND LAB
PATRICK: Dammit, Jerry! WHERE IS ROBIN????
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
ALEXIS: You are going to the gala and you are going to be nice to Julian BECAUSE I SAID SO!
MOLLY: Worst. Gala. Ever.
ALEXIS: I heard that.
KRISTINA: I'm baaaaaaaack!
MOLLY: Awesome! You can come to this gala thing and distract me so I don't have to fake-smile at Julian! Sam, you're coming too, right?
SAM: Wrong! I'm suffering from Post-Patrick Stress Disorder, so I'm staying home "sick".
MOLLY: No fair!
KRISTINA: Molly, what's Mom's email password? I need to erase a note from school that says I'm in a huge heap of trouble.
METROCOURT BALLROOM
MAXIE: Be right back, Nina. Gotta go talk to my sister's tombstone.
NINA: But...but...you're kinda my puppet master, Maxie! If you go, my mouth will move, but no words will come out.
HOSPITAL
SAM: Where's Patrick?
RECEPTIONIST: He's on leave.
LIZ: 'Cuz YOU chased him away! You happy now?
SAM: Yeah, because I told Jason the truth, unlike some other people I know.
LIZ: Save it, Sam. We were all living happy little lies and you had to go tell the truth and wreck EVERYTHING!
SAM: Screw you!
CEMETERY
MAXIE: Hi Dillon. I know you're sad about Georgie too.
DILLON: Yeah, even though I was a different person when we were together, I still miss her.
MAXIE: What's that?
DILLON: I like to keep busy when talking to ghosts. It's a rubbing of Georgie's headstone. It's kinda your Christmas present.
MAXIE: Aw, Dillon! I'm getting ALL THE FEELS now!
CASSADINE ISLAND
ROBERT: G'day Anna, Patrick. We got some strategizing to do.
ANNA: OMG, Robert!
PATRICK: Do you have any idea who could be holding Robin? Word on the street is that Helena's six feet under.
ROBERT: Me Aussie spies in the WSB have been looking into a certain rather nefarious countryman of mine, one Jerry Jacks.
LAB ON CASSADINE ISLAND
ROBIN: Please be nice to me and let me live.
JERRY'S OPERA GOON: Um...no. I have my orders.
ROBIN: If you're going to kill me, can you at least let me call my family and say goodbye?
JERRY'S OPERA GOON: Make it quick.
ROBIN: (on phone with Patrick) Hello Patrick. Goodbye Patrick. I have to go to Lyceum.
CASSADINE ISLAND
PATRICK: What the hell's Lyceum?
ANNA: Well, it's the opposite of hell.
PATRICK: We have to find her YESTERDAY!
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Since we're sort kinda friends now, will you go to the Nutcracker Gala thing with me tonight? It's totally not a date, because, well, Nina, but we're two pariahs in a pod, so what the hell?
LIZ: Um...no.
METROCOURT BAR
CARLY: Jason, you HAVE to go to the Nutcracker Gala tonight.
JASON: Why?
CARLY: Hello? BECAUSE I SAID SO!
OUTSIDE METROCOURT BALLROOM
NINA: (posing for a picture) Wow, do I have visual pop or what?
MAXIE: OMG, you accidentally sounded like a fashionista! YAY!!!
SAM: Can you get this check to one Alexis Davis?
LIZ: What are YOU doing here?
JASON: Good question.
CASSADINE ISLAND LAB
PATRICK: Dammit, Jerry! WHERE IS ROBIN????
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Pill Counting
Carly and Sonny are worried about Morgan, but Morgan feels suffocated by them, especially Carly. Ava begs Kiki to spend Christmas with her and Avery. Tracy is in the dark about Paul's shady doings. Dr. Lee warns Sabrina that lying to Michael is hazardous to her health. Paul pays Carrrrrrrrrrlos to leave Port Chuckles. Anna and Mac's investigation of Paul is interrupted by an urgent call from Patrick, who is in Paris with Emma searching for Robin. Jerry runs out of patience with Robin and her research.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Morgan, where have you been? Who were you with? I need names, ages, possible organized crime affiliations and social security numbers.
MORGAN: And I'M the one who's supposedly unhinged?
SONNY: What your mother means, Morgan, is that we were worried about you.
CARLY: (in the voice of Estelle Costanza from Seinfeld) Have you been taking your medication, Morgan?
MORGAN: Yes, MOMMY! And I took my Flintstones vitamins too.
CARLY: (dumps pills out on the table and starts counting them) 1, 2, 3
MORGAN: 6, 9, 12, 57, 120, YOU'RE GONNA SEND ME RIGHT BACK TO THE PSYCH WARD BECAUSE YOU'RE DRIVING ME BONKERS!
METROCOURT
AVA: Please come home for Christmas, Kiki, or bells will be ringing sad, sad news and your baby sister Avery will have the blues. Come on, Kiki. I'll have a blue, blue Christmas without you.
KIKI: First of all, Avery is a year old and knows about 5 words. She DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I EXIST so how can she miss me? Second, you kinda sound pathetic.
AVA: But...but...remember when you were little and projectile-vomited gumdrops?
KIKI: That visual is not helping, mom. Do me a favor and stop using my baby sister to manipulate me.
AVA: Will you at least CONSIDER coming home for Christmas, if only in my dreams? I can even conjure up some snow and mistletoe and presents by the tree. I say conjure up snow because, you know, global warming.
KIKI: Maybe.
PARIS
PATRICK: Let's go see the Eiffel Tower and take a stroll down the Champs Elysses.
EMMA: Where's Mommy? I wanna see Mommy!
PATRICK: Turns out she doesn't live in an antique shop after all, but we can still grab some croissants.
EMMA: Call Grandma Anna and tell her go find Mommy.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: Robin, have you found a cure for death YET? How long can a simple task like achieving human immortality take?
ROBIN: Well, we can upload people's minds and souls to a computer.
JERRY: Somehow the idea of a Robo Jerry does not appeal to me. Besides, it would take decades to upload all of MY thoughts.
ROBIN: You asked for immortality. I'm giving you a way to be immortal. Ever heard of The Cloud? Social media? Rome wasn't built in a day, Jerry.
JERRY: It would have been had I had anything to do with it.
METROCOURT
ANNA: My friend the Medical Examiner has his own suspicions about the body Paul claimed was Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. All we need to do is run a DNA test on that necklace. Too bad we don't have any of Sloane's DNA to prove that body was his and not Carrrrrrrrrrlos's
MAC: That's where you're wrong. I snatched Sloane's toothbrush from his apartment.
ANNA: You're a GENIUS, Mac! Why didn't I think of that? Maybe I was too busy thinking about how I shot Carrrrrrrrrrlos 4 times instead of just 2.
MAC: We make a great team, Anna. Two ex-commishes gettin' it done.
PARIS
ANTIQUE SHOP LADY: Ze woman you aah looking for, a Madame Scohpio? She does not leev in my shop, you see. Zere is anozzer shop on ze ozzer side of ze ceety wiss ze same name.
EMMA: Nice necklace. My friend Spencer has the same one.
PATRICK: Thank you, Madame. You may just have been more help than you know.
EMMA: She was a nice French lady.
PATRICK: Did you say Spencer Cassadine had a necklace just like the one that woman had?
EMMA: Yeah. Weird, isn't it? Not that Spencer wears necklaces, but that he has the same one as some lady in Paris.
PATRICK: I need to call your grandma. (dials Anna's number)
METROCOURT
ANNA: Patrick, is that you?
PATRICK: Emma and I are in Paris, but Robin isn't. We have reason to think the Cassadines have her.
ANNA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
PATRICK: Emma saw the Cassadine insignia on some French antiques lady's necklace. She has to be one of their minions.
ANNA: You stay put. I'll teleport myself to Paris right away.
HOSPITAL
MICHAEL: Dr. Lee, is the baby going to be humongous or what?
DR. LEE: Rest assured, Michael, the baby tested negative for gigantism. He or she is just the right size for how far along Sabrina is.
SABRINA: See. No huge baby. No problem.
MICHAEL: But the sonogram said...
DR. LEE: I get why you're worried, but the baby is just fine.
METROCOURT
KIKI: Morgan, you're alive! When you didn't answer my texts, I checked all the hospitals.
MORGAN: Will everybody in my life just CHILL THE HELL OUT??? First my mom counts my pills, now you're calling hospitals because I had a night out with some friends.
KIKI: Was Barbie one of those friends?
MORGAN: Her name's Darby and so what if she was? You put me clearly in the friend zone.
KIKI: Yeah, well, I'm kinda being a friend right now and worrying about you like friends do. By the way, my co-worker found some pills when he cleared your table.
MORGAN: You want to count my pills too? I went to Dr. M and got replacements. No harm, no foul.
PARK
TRACY: Paul, you are such a good person now. I'm stunned by the transformation.
PAUL: Well, I wouldn't canonize me just yet, Tracy. It might hurt my image.
TRACY: Baby, it's cold outside. Keep me warm.
PAUL: Your hands are cold as ice.
TRACY: My sister-in-law might be suspicious, but boy, your lips look delicious.
PAUL: What can I say? It's that time of year when the world falls in love.
LURKING CARRRRRRRLOS: Gag me!
SONNY'S HOUSE
MICHAEL: Dad, I think Sabrina's hiding something from me.
HOSPITAL
DR. LEE: You know, big secrets can weigh more than babies, Sabrina. Carrying such a lie around, you might was well be having triplets.
PARK
CARRRRRRRLOS: Well, that sickening scene was long enough. What's up?
PAUL: This is rush money, Carrrrrrrrrrlos. As in rush the hell out of town before you blow my plans up in smoke.
CARRRRRRRLOS: No can do. I'm having a baby.
PAUL: I never would have guessed. You're not showing yet.
CARRRRRRRLOS: Ha ha! Zabrrrrrrrrrina is having my baby.
PAUL: No, you idiot, she's having MICHAEL QUARTERMAINE'S baby.
CARRRRRRRRLOS: She's having MY BABY. Who's the idiot now?
PAUL: Who cares? Just get the hell out of Port Chuckles and catch the first flight to Zimbabwe. NOW!
METROCOURT
CARLY: Morgan, I'm sorry I counted your pills and acted like your guard dog.
MORGAN: Yeah, yeah, it's okay as long as you sign a no-pill-counting contract I wrote on this here napkin.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: Your time's up, Robin. Get ready to meet your maker. Had you only come up with a cure faster, you could have created your own robo-clone to give you immortality.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Morgan, where have you been? Who were you with? I need names, ages, possible organized crime affiliations and social security numbers.
MORGAN: And I'M the one who's supposedly unhinged?
SONNY: What your mother means, Morgan, is that we were worried about you.
CARLY: (in the voice of Estelle Costanza from Seinfeld) Have you been taking your medication, Morgan?
MORGAN: Yes, MOMMY! And I took my Flintstones vitamins too.
CARLY: (dumps pills out on the table and starts counting them) 1, 2, 3
MORGAN: 6, 9, 12, 57, 120, YOU'RE GONNA SEND ME RIGHT BACK TO THE PSYCH WARD BECAUSE YOU'RE DRIVING ME BONKERS!
METROCOURT
AVA: Please come home for Christmas, Kiki, or bells will be ringing sad, sad news and your baby sister Avery will have the blues. Come on, Kiki. I'll have a blue, blue Christmas without you.
KIKI: First of all, Avery is a year old and knows about 5 words. She DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I EXIST so how can she miss me? Second, you kinda sound pathetic.
AVA: But...but...remember when you were little and projectile-vomited gumdrops?
KIKI: That visual is not helping, mom. Do me a favor and stop using my baby sister to manipulate me.
AVA: Will you at least CONSIDER coming home for Christmas, if only in my dreams? I can even conjure up some snow and mistletoe and presents by the tree. I say conjure up snow because, you know, global warming.
KIKI: Maybe.
PARIS
PATRICK: Let's go see the Eiffel Tower and take a stroll down the Champs Elysses.
EMMA: Where's Mommy? I wanna see Mommy!
PATRICK: Turns out she doesn't live in an antique shop after all, but we can still grab some croissants.
EMMA: Call Grandma Anna and tell her go find Mommy.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: Robin, have you found a cure for death YET? How long can a simple task like achieving human immortality take?
ROBIN: Well, we can upload people's minds and souls to a computer.
JERRY: Somehow the idea of a Robo Jerry does not appeal to me. Besides, it would take decades to upload all of MY thoughts.
ROBIN: You asked for immortality. I'm giving you a way to be immortal. Ever heard of The Cloud? Social media? Rome wasn't built in a day, Jerry.
JERRY: It would have been had I had anything to do with it.
METROCOURT
ANNA: My friend the Medical Examiner has his own suspicions about the body Paul claimed was Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. All we need to do is run a DNA test on that necklace. Too bad we don't have any of Sloane's DNA to prove that body was his and not Carrrrrrrrrrlos's
MAC: That's where you're wrong. I snatched Sloane's toothbrush from his apartment.
ANNA: You're a GENIUS, Mac! Why didn't I think of that? Maybe I was too busy thinking about how I shot Carrrrrrrrrrlos 4 times instead of just 2.
MAC: We make a great team, Anna. Two ex-commishes gettin' it done.
PARIS
ANTIQUE SHOP LADY: Ze woman you aah looking for, a Madame Scohpio? She does not leev in my shop, you see. Zere is anozzer shop on ze ozzer side of ze ceety wiss ze same name.
EMMA: Nice necklace. My friend Spencer has the same one.
PATRICK: Thank you, Madame. You may just have been more help than you know.
EMMA: She was a nice French lady.
PATRICK: Did you say Spencer Cassadine had a necklace just like the one that woman had?
EMMA: Yeah. Weird, isn't it? Not that Spencer wears necklaces, but that he has the same one as some lady in Paris.
PATRICK: I need to call your grandma. (dials Anna's number)
METROCOURT
ANNA: Patrick, is that you?
PATRICK: Emma and I are in Paris, but Robin isn't. We have reason to think the Cassadines have her.
ANNA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
PATRICK: Emma saw the Cassadine insignia on some French antiques lady's necklace. She has to be one of their minions.
ANNA: You stay put. I'll teleport myself to Paris right away.
HOSPITAL
MICHAEL: Dr. Lee, is the baby going to be humongous or what?
DR. LEE: Rest assured, Michael, the baby tested negative for gigantism. He or she is just the right size for how far along Sabrina is.
SABRINA: See. No huge baby. No problem.
MICHAEL: But the sonogram said...
DR. LEE: I get why you're worried, but the baby is just fine.
METROCOURT
KIKI: Morgan, you're alive! When you didn't answer my texts, I checked all the hospitals.
MORGAN: Will everybody in my life just CHILL THE HELL OUT??? First my mom counts my pills, now you're calling hospitals because I had a night out with some friends.
KIKI: Was Barbie one of those friends?
MORGAN: Her name's Darby and so what if she was? You put me clearly in the friend zone.
KIKI: Yeah, well, I'm kinda being a friend right now and worrying about you like friends do. By the way, my co-worker found some pills when he cleared your table.
MORGAN: You want to count my pills too? I went to Dr. M and got replacements. No harm, no foul.
PARK
TRACY: Paul, you are such a good person now. I'm stunned by the transformation.
PAUL: Well, I wouldn't canonize me just yet, Tracy. It might hurt my image.
TRACY: Baby, it's cold outside. Keep me warm.
PAUL: Your hands are cold as ice.
TRACY: My sister-in-law might be suspicious, but boy, your lips look delicious.
PAUL: What can I say? It's that time of year when the world falls in love.
LURKING CARRRRRRRLOS: Gag me!
SONNY'S HOUSE
MICHAEL: Dad, I think Sabrina's hiding something from me.
HOSPITAL
DR. LEE: You know, big secrets can weigh more than babies, Sabrina. Carrying such a lie around, you might was well be having triplets.
PARK
CARRRRRRRLOS: Well, that sickening scene was long enough. What's up?
PAUL: This is rush money, Carrrrrrrrrrlos. As in rush the hell out of town before you blow my plans up in smoke.
CARRRRRRRLOS: No can do. I'm having a baby.
PAUL: I never would have guessed. You're not showing yet.
CARRRRRRRLOS: Ha ha! Zabrrrrrrrrrina is having my baby.
PAUL: No, you idiot, she's having MICHAEL QUARTERMAINE'S baby.
CARRRRRRRRLOS: She's having MY BABY. Who's the idiot now?
PAUL: Who cares? Just get the hell out of Port Chuckles and catch the first flight to Zimbabwe. NOW!
METROCOURT
CARLY: Morgan, I'm sorry I counted your pills and acted like your guard dog.
MORGAN: Yeah, yeah, it's okay as long as you sign a no-pill-counting contract I wrote on this here napkin.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: Your time's up, Robin. Get ready to meet your maker. Had you only come up with a cure faster, you could have created your own robo-clone to give you immortality.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Matching Sweaters
Olivia buys herself, Julian, & Leo matching Christmas sweaters, much to Alexis's chagrin. Johnny chats Valerie up as he fixes her car. Dante asks Sonny about an arms dealer, but is vague when it comes to his personal life. Laura advises Lulu against doing something crazy, but is it too late? Nina is impressed with Dillon's photography skills. After being chewed out by Carly, Liz finds sympathy from an unlikely source.
SOMEWHERE ALONG RTE 31 BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE ALL CAR STUFF HAPPENS
JOHNNY: So, you're a cop and I'm standing outside of YOUR car. Isn't that hilarious?
VALERIE: I'm not a cop yet. Just a cadet with a broken down car.
JOHNNY: Maybe I can fix it. I'm a pretty handy guy. The name's Greg.
VALERIE: I'm Valerie and I'm late to shooting practice.
JOHNNY: Late for playing with guns? We can't have that! Lemme take a look-see.
THE FLOATING RIB
OLIVIA: Lookee here, Julian! I got Leo his very first Ugly Christmas Sweater! Isn't it hideously cute?
JULIAN: Gotta start that Ugly Christmas Sweater tradition sometime, I guess.
OLIVIA: But wait! There's MORE! I bought YOU a MATCHING Ugly Christmas Sweater! and one for me too!
JULIAN: (feigning enthusiasm) Yippee!
ALEXIS: Is this really necessary?
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Why hasn't Jason called back yet? He was SUPPOSED to throw me a YOU WERE RIGHT party!
SONNY: Hover much, Carly?
CARLY: But Jason NEEDS ME! He was just LIED TO FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS by his simpering yet manipulative fiancee and he needs some good ol' Carly love.
SONNY: What am I, Carly? Chopped liver?
CARLY: Come on, Sonny. We can't have our famous CarSaSon menage a trois without Jason. Then it's a boring old menage a deux.
METROCOURT
LAURA: Now Lulu, don't go doing anything crazy out of your anger at Dante. I know you've got your father's vengeful blood running through your veins.
LULU: Dante Schmante! I'm focusing MY righteous indignation on my SLUT COUSIN VALERIE!
LAURA: But it takes two to tango, Lulu. Dante is the one who cheated, not Valerie.
LULU: Valerie lured him into her child of a single mother web and SEDUCED him away from me!
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: OMG, Dillon, you are a TOTES AWESOME photographer!
DILLON: Thanks. I think.
MAXIE: These pix of you will TOTALLY save Crimson, Nina.
NINA: Yeah they will!
FRANCO: Don't mind me. I'm just the editor-in-chief's famous--okay, INfamous--artist boyfriend.
HOSPITAL
CARLY: What gave YOU the nerve to show your face in public you LYING MANIPULATIVE BITCH IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING?
LIZ: Give it a rest, Carly.
CARLY: You LIED to MY JASON for SEVEN MONTHS! You kept him from his wife and his little boy just so you could have him ALL TO YOURSELF!
LIZ: You WON, Carly. Jason left me AND he left my THREE LITTLE BOYS without a man THEY came to know as their dad.
CARLY: Too bad. So sad. IT'S ALL YOUR STUPID FAULT!!!
SOMEWHERE ALONG RTE 31
JOHNNY: You're really into this whole being a cop thing, aren't you?
VALERIE: I relish the thought of nailing a perp.
JOHNNY: How about the adrenaline rush of chasing down fugitives?
VALERIE: Bring 'em on!
JOHNNY: (tinkering with Valerie's car) If I connect the green wire to the orange wire and the blue wire to the red wire...fire her up.
VALERIE: You totally fixed my car! Thanks Greg. If I weren't lusting after my cousin's hubby, I'd so be stalking you instead.
SONNY'S HOUSE
DANTE: Dad, do you know of this arms dealer on the Port Chuckles' Most Wanted list?
SONNY: I don't deal in guns, son.
DANTE: Ever thought of just getting the hell out of the mob?
SONNY: Have you ever TRIED to get out of da bizness, Dante? No can do. Let's change the subject. What's up with you?
DANTE: Besides picking up the pieces of my shattered marriage while Lulu gives me the icy glare she could only have learned while she was being frozen by Stavros Cassadine? Nothing much.
CRIMSON OFFICE
FRANCO: I was just saying that Julian might have hired you to purposely tank the magazine, that's all.
NINA: Say WHAAAAAAAT?
FRANCO: Julian's a big meanie.
NINA: You know what Maxie and I are going to do, Franco? We're going to make this magazine into a RAGING SUCCESS just to spite him.
FLOATING RIB
ALEXIS: Olivia, we need to talk boundaries. Two's company. Three's a crowd.
OLIVIA: So you're saying I'm not welcome in my own baby daddy's life?
ALEXIS: Well...maybe if you'd just send an "impending Ugly Christmas Sweater" text so we'd know to seek cover.
OLIVIA: Does that mean I can't come over for Christmas? Leo wants to see his daddy and Julian said I could.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: I HATE EVERYTHING!
FRANCO: Know the feeling. Maybe you need some art therapy. Grab a paintbrush and let it all out on this canvas.
LIZ: I can't believe I'm getting sympathy from a serial killer.
FRANCO: EX-serial killer. My serial killer tumor was removed and now I'm just a slightly off-kilter, but loving, fatherly guy and a skilled art therapist. Just ask Liesl Obrecht.
LIZ: A ringing endorsement.
FRANCO: Come on now! I'm a pariah, you're a pariah and we pariahs gotta stick together and form a Port Chuckles Pariah support group. If you don't like the pariah thing, we can just call it a People Carly Hates group instead.
FLOATING RIB
DANTE: Why so glum, Val?
VALERIE: My car broke down, I missed shooting practice and the instructor ripped me a new one. How was your day?
DANTE: Well, I tried to get my dad to 'fess up to knowing Raj the gunrunner, so guns were a common theme for us today. I guess it goes with the territory, being cops.
VALERIE: Or cadets.
DANTE: Those too. How did you get here if your car broke down.
VALERIE: Some nice guy named Greg fixed it for me. He just randomly appeared on the side of the road.
DANTE: I don't know a Greg and I know everyone in this town.
METROCOURT
LULU (on the phone with Johnny): So, Johnny, how did it go terrorizing Valerie.
JOHNNY: The terrorizing can wait. All I did today was fix her car and learn her weak points.
LULU: You FIXED her car? In what way?
JOHNNY: Relax. I didn't tamper with the brakes or anything. As far as she's concerned, I'm this nice guy named Greg who randomly shows up when someone needs their car fixed. Now I can plan Phase 2.
LULU: Care to elaborate on Phase 2.
JOHNNY: Trust me. You don't wanna know.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Dillon, you're hired as Crimson's official photographer. We're going to make Crimson the awesomest magazine EVER!
DILLON: Okay.
MAXIE: That's the spirit!
SOMEWHERE ALONG RTE 31 BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE ALL CAR STUFF HAPPENS
JOHNNY: So, you're a cop and I'm standing outside of YOUR car. Isn't that hilarious?
VALERIE: I'm not a cop yet. Just a cadet with a broken down car.
JOHNNY: Maybe I can fix it. I'm a pretty handy guy. The name's Greg.
VALERIE: I'm Valerie and I'm late to shooting practice.
JOHNNY: Late for playing with guns? We can't have that! Lemme take a look-see.
THE FLOATING RIB
OLIVIA: Lookee here, Julian! I got Leo his very first Ugly Christmas Sweater! Isn't it hideously cute?
JULIAN: Gotta start that Ugly Christmas Sweater tradition sometime, I guess.
OLIVIA: But wait! There's MORE! I bought YOU a MATCHING Ugly Christmas Sweater! and one for me too!
JULIAN: (feigning enthusiasm) Yippee!
ALEXIS: Is this really necessary?
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Why hasn't Jason called back yet? He was SUPPOSED to throw me a YOU WERE RIGHT party!
SONNY: Hover much, Carly?
CARLY: But Jason NEEDS ME! He was just LIED TO FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS by his simpering yet manipulative fiancee and he needs some good ol' Carly love.
SONNY: What am I, Carly? Chopped liver?
CARLY: Come on, Sonny. We can't have our famous CarSaSon menage a trois without Jason. Then it's a boring old menage a deux.
METROCOURT
LAURA: Now Lulu, don't go doing anything crazy out of your anger at Dante. I know you've got your father's vengeful blood running through your veins.
LULU: Dante Schmante! I'm focusing MY righteous indignation on my SLUT COUSIN VALERIE!
LAURA: But it takes two to tango, Lulu. Dante is the one who cheated, not Valerie.
LULU: Valerie lured him into her child of a single mother web and SEDUCED him away from me!
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: OMG, Dillon, you are a TOTES AWESOME photographer!
DILLON: Thanks. I think.
MAXIE: These pix of you will TOTALLY save Crimson, Nina.
NINA: Yeah they will!
FRANCO: Don't mind me. I'm just the editor-in-chief's famous--okay, INfamous--artist boyfriend.
HOSPITAL
CARLY: What gave YOU the nerve to show your face in public you LYING MANIPULATIVE BITCH IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING?
LIZ: Give it a rest, Carly.
CARLY: You LIED to MY JASON for SEVEN MONTHS! You kept him from his wife and his little boy just so you could have him ALL TO YOURSELF!
LIZ: You WON, Carly. Jason left me AND he left my THREE LITTLE BOYS without a man THEY came to know as their dad.
CARLY: Too bad. So sad. IT'S ALL YOUR STUPID FAULT!!!
SOMEWHERE ALONG RTE 31
JOHNNY: You're really into this whole being a cop thing, aren't you?
VALERIE: I relish the thought of nailing a perp.
JOHNNY: How about the adrenaline rush of chasing down fugitives?
VALERIE: Bring 'em on!
JOHNNY: (tinkering with Valerie's car) If I connect the green wire to the orange wire and the blue wire to the red wire...fire her up.
VALERIE: You totally fixed my car! Thanks Greg. If I weren't lusting after my cousin's hubby, I'd so be stalking you instead.
SONNY'S HOUSE
DANTE: Dad, do you know of this arms dealer on the Port Chuckles' Most Wanted list?
SONNY: I don't deal in guns, son.
DANTE: Ever thought of just getting the hell out of the mob?
SONNY: Have you ever TRIED to get out of da bizness, Dante? No can do. Let's change the subject. What's up with you?
DANTE: Besides picking up the pieces of my shattered marriage while Lulu gives me the icy glare she could only have learned while she was being frozen by Stavros Cassadine? Nothing much.
CRIMSON OFFICE
FRANCO: I was just saying that Julian might have hired you to purposely tank the magazine, that's all.
NINA: Say WHAAAAAAAT?
FRANCO: Julian's a big meanie.
NINA: You know what Maxie and I are going to do, Franco? We're going to make this magazine into a RAGING SUCCESS just to spite him.
FLOATING RIB
ALEXIS: Olivia, we need to talk boundaries. Two's company. Three's a crowd.
OLIVIA: So you're saying I'm not welcome in my own baby daddy's life?
ALEXIS: Well...maybe if you'd just send an "impending Ugly Christmas Sweater" text so we'd know to seek cover.
OLIVIA: Does that mean I can't come over for Christmas? Leo wants to see his daddy and Julian said I could.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: I HATE EVERYTHING!
FRANCO: Know the feeling. Maybe you need some art therapy. Grab a paintbrush and let it all out on this canvas.
LIZ: I can't believe I'm getting sympathy from a serial killer.
FRANCO: EX-serial killer. My serial killer tumor was removed and now I'm just a slightly off-kilter, but loving, fatherly guy and a skilled art therapist. Just ask Liesl Obrecht.
LIZ: A ringing endorsement.
FRANCO: Come on now! I'm a pariah, you're a pariah and we pariahs gotta stick together and form a Port Chuckles Pariah support group. If you don't like the pariah thing, we can just call it a People Carly Hates group instead.
FLOATING RIB
DANTE: Why so glum, Val?
VALERIE: My car broke down, I missed shooting practice and the instructor ripped me a new one. How was your day?
DANTE: Well, I tried to get my dad to 'fess up to knowing Raj the gunrunner, so guns were a common theme for us today. I guess it goes with the territory, being cops.
VALERIE: Or cadets.
DANTE: Those too. How did you get here if your car broke down.
VALERIE: Some nice guy named Greg fixed it for me. He just randomly appeared on the side of the road.
DANTE: I don't know a Greg and I know everyone in this town.
METROCOURT
LULU (on the phone with Johnny): So, Johnny, how did it go terrorizing Valerie.
JOHNNY: The terrorizing can wait. All I did today was fix her car and learn her weak points.
LULU: You FIXED her car? In what way?
JOHNNY: Relax. I didn't tamper with the brakes or anything. As far as she's concerned, I'm this nice guy named Greg who randomly shows up when someone needs their car fixed. Now I can plan Phase 2.
LULU: Care to elaborate on Phase 2.
JOHNNY: Trust me. You don't wanna know.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Dillon, you're hired as Crimson's official photographer. We're going to make Crimson the awesomest magazine EVER!
DILLON: Okay.
MAXIE: That's the spirit!
Monday, December 14, 2015
Car Trouble?
Johnny puts his attack plan against Valerie into motion. Jason drops by Liz's house...to pick up his stuff. Lulu is irritated by Dante's presence on the Haunted Star, while Monica is similiarly irritated with Tracy's sucking up to Paul. Nikolas walks in on Hayden and Curtis plotting and scheming. Jordan is suspicious of Curtis's motives for being in Port Chuckles and Curtis points out that TJ is his nephew. Are Curtis and Jordan brother and sister?
METROCOURT LOBBY
TRACY: You need a keynote speaker for the so-called "Nutcracker Gala"? Look no further than the man gracing us with his presence. What do you say, Mr. District Attorney?
MONICA: Mr. ACTING District Attorney, Tracy. I don't recall him ever--I don't know--WINNING AN ELECTION.
TRACY: PFFFFFFFFFT! He'll do it because I SAID he'll do it. Right, Paul?
PAUL: Let me just check my schedule...
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: Hey Lulu, you didn't tell me this Valerie chick was hot.
LULU: And you were telling ME to focus? Forget her looks. She's the SLUTTY MCSLUTFACE who stole my husband.
JOHNNY: Fine. I'll wear a blindfold when I go after her. What does her voice sound like?
LULU: Just picture an annoying cousin who lusts after your significant other and you'll get the idea.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Jason, you're back! I KNEW you'd come running back into my arms!
JASON: Don't flatter yourself. I'm here to get my stuff.
LIZ: But...but...you LOVE me!
JASON: LOVED. Past tense because, you know, 7 months of lies. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
FLOATING RIB
CURTIS: Be prepared to fork over some serious dough for this job, Ms. Barnes. This piece o' ass don't come cheap.
HAYDEN: How serious?
NIKOLAS: Am I interrupting something?
HAYDEN: Only my surprise renovation of the ELQ offices. How do fuchsia and lime green sound for the walls of the CEO's suite?
NIKOLAS: Like a toxic Slurpee of plebeian kitsch. Who's your friend?
HAYDEN: Only the world's sexiest interior designer.
CURTIS: The name is Curtis Good and I'm Good in more ways than one.
PCPD
DANTE: I think me and Lulu are over.
JORDAN: When it's over, it's over. Turn the page. Move on. Start fresh. Tabula rasa. You get my point.
DANTE: So it's okay if I...move on in my personal life?
JORDAN: It's your life. C'est la vie.
VALERIE: Hi Dante.
DANTE: C'est la vie!
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: Gotta go stalk your cuz. Catch ya later, Lulu.
LULU: Hello? Did you look in the mirror this morning and see a wanted fugitive?
JOHNNY: I'll wear a disguise. It'll be fun. Have any wigs or crazy glasses I can borrow?
LULU: What are you going to do to her?
JOHNNY: Wouldn't you like to know...so you could be charged as an accessory?
FLOATING RIB
NIKOLAS: So, what was that charade with your shady-looking companion all about? Don't tell me it was about bright purple carpeting because I don't trust you as far as I can throw you.
HAYDEN: So much for the SURPRISE!
NIKOLAS: You aren't SERIOUSLY firing half the company, then redecorating the ELQ offices to look like Franco's LSD trip, so tell me what the hell is up?
HAYDEN: What's up with YOU? Princes don't randomly appear at rib joints without some sort of reason, so spill it.
NIKOLAS: Jason knows that Elizabeth and I lied to him and he's out for blood. Yours, mine, it is going to get ugly.
JASON: Hey Princey, the jig is up. (Punches Nikolas and a brawl ensues)
LIZ'S HOUSE
DIANE: Will you give your fiance these most important papers he requested?
LIZ: Maybe. What are they?
DIANE: Ever heard of attorney-client privilege?
LIZ: Privilege-Schmivilege! I'm just gonna look at them once you get the hell out of my house.
DIANE: I should have known not to trust YOU. Just tell him I dropped by.
LIZ: Tell him yourself. He ain't comin' back to me. He dumped me, so you, Carly, Sam, and Sonny won. Merry merry merry F&$#%ing Christmas! Now go to hell!
DIANE: My my! Such language from a mother raising three impressionable young boys.
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: Just wanted to let you know that I let Valerie watch Rocco for five seconds while I teleported myself to the store to get some meds for his hypothetical fever.
LULU: Save it. Your mother beat you to it.
DANTE: Go figure. Well, I'll make sure I get a signed affidavit from you before I let Val get within 3 feet of Rocco.
LULU: Whatever. Just get lost.
DANTE: Bah Humbug!
PCPD
JORDAN: Curtis, what are you doing at my station? You know I'm top cop here and I don't play favorites.
CURTIS: Congrats on that, by the way. How's my nephew?
JORDAN: What's it to you?
CURTIS: Maybe you missed the "nephew" part. Hey, I'm just doin' my thang here. Strictly business.
JORDAN: Just keep your distance from Port Chuckles, Curtis. I know your kind of trouble.
SOMEWHERE POSSIBLY ALONG RTE 31.
VALERIE: STUPID FRIGGIN' CAR!
JOHNNY: Car trouble? Johnny B Quick is at your service?
VALERIE: Aren't you the window replacement, air conditioning and heating guy?
METROCOURT LOBBY
TRACY: You need a keynote speaker for the so-called "Nutcracker Gala"? Look no further than the man gracing us with his presence. What do you say, Mr. District Attorney?
MONICA: Mr. ACTING District Attorney, Tracy. I don't recall him ever--I don't know--WINNING AN ELECTION.
TRACY: PFFFFFFFFFT! He'll do it because I SAID he'll do it. Right, Paul?
PAUL: Let me just check my schedule...
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: Hey Lulu, you didn't tell me this Valerie chick was hot.
LULU: And you were telling ME to focus? Forget her looks. She's the SLUTTY MCSLUTFACE who stole my husband.
JOHNNY: Fine. I'll wear a blindfold when I go after her. What does her voice sound like?
LULU: Just picture an annoying cousin who lusts after your significant other and you'll get the idea.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Jason, you're back! I KNEW you'd come running back into my arms!
JASON: Don't flatter yourself. I'm here to get my stuff.
LIZ: But...but...you LOVE me!
JASON: LOVED. Past tense because, you know, 7 months of lies. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
FLOATING RIB
CURTIS: Be prepared to fork over some serious dough for this job, Ms. Barnes. This piece o' ass don't come cheap.
HAYDEN: How serious?
NIKOLAS: Am I interrupting something?
HAYDEN: Only my surprise renovation of the ELQ offices. How do fuchsia and lime green sound for the walls of the CEO's suite?
NIKOLAS: Like a toxic Slurpee of plebeian kitsch. Who's your friend?
HAYDEN: Only the world's sexiest interior designer.
CURTIS: The name is Curtis Good and I'm Good in more ways than one.
PCPD
DANTE: I think me and Lulu are over.
JORDAN: When it's over, it's over. Turn the page. Move on. Start fresh. Tabula rasa. You get my point.
DANTE: So it's okay if I...move on in my personal life?
JORDAN: It's your life. C'est la vie.
VALERIE: Hi Dante.
DANTE: C'est la vie!
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: Gotta go stalk your cuz. Catch ya later, Lulu.
LULU: Hello? Did you look in the mirror this morning and see a wanted fugitive?
JOHNNY: I'll wear a disguise. It'll be fun. Have any wigs or crazy glasses I can borrow?
LULU: What are you going to do to her?
JOHNNY: Wouldn't you like to know...so you could be charged as an accessory?
FLOATING RIB
NIKOLAS: So, what was that charade with your shady-looking companion all about? Don't tell me it was about bright purple carpeting because I don't trust you as far as I can throw you.
HAYDEN: So much for the SURPRISE!
NIKOLAS: You aren't SERIOUSLY firing half the company, then redecorating the ELQ offices to look like Franco's LSD trip, so tell me what the hell is up?
HAYDEN: What's up with YOU? Princes don't randomly appear at rib joints without some sort of reason, so spill it.
NIKOLAS: Jason knows that Elizabeth and I lied to him and he's out for blood. Yours, mine, it is going to get ugly.
JASON: Hey Princey, the jig is up. (Punches Nikolas and a brawl ensues)
LIZ'S HOUSE
DIANE: Will you give your fiance these most important papers he requested?
LIZ: Maybe. What are they?
DIANE: Ever heard of attorney-client privilege?
LIZ: Privilege-Schmivilege! I'm just gonna look at them once you get the hell out of my house.
DIANE: I should have known not to trust YOU. Just tell him I dropped by.
LIZ: Tell him yourself. He ain't comin' back to me. He dumped me, so you, Carly, Sam, and Sonny won. Merry merry merry F&$#%ing Christmas! Now go to hell!
DIANE: My my! Such language from a mother raising three impressionable young boys.
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: Just wanted to let you know that I let Valerie watch Rocco for five seconds while I teleported myself to the store to get some meds for his hypothetical fever.
LULU: Save it. Your mother beat you to it.
DANTE: Go figure. Well, I'll make sure I get a signed affidavit from you before I let Val get within 3 feet of Rocco.
LULU: Whatever. Just get lost.
DANTE: Bah Humbug!
PCPD
JORDAN: Curtis, what are you doing at my station? You know I'm top cop here and I don't play favorites.
CURTIS: Congrats on that, by the way. How's my nephew?
JORDAN: What's it to you?
CURTIS: Maybe you missed the "nephew" part. Hey, I'm just doin' my thang here. Strictly business.
JORDAN: Just keep your distance from Port Chuckles, Curtis. I know your kind of trouble.
SOMEWHERE POSSIBLY ALONG RTE 31.
VALERIE: STUPID FRIGGIN' CAR!
JOHNNY: Car trouble? Johnny B Quick is at your service?
VALERIE: Aren't you the window replacement, air conditioning and heating guy?
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Nuttin' For Christmas: 2015 Edition
There's going to be a whole lot of coal in the stockings of Port Chuckles come December 25th! Here's last year's edition.
Nuttin’ For
Christmas: 2015 edition
LIZ: I lied to Jason ‘bout
who he was. Somebody snitched on me.
DANTE: I cheated on
my wife by shagging her cuz. Somebody
snitched on me.
ANNA: I put four
bullets in Carrrrrrrrlos’s chest
MADELINE: I made Silas
bleed to death
RIC: I tricked Nina
and Elizabeth
LIZ, DANTE, ANNA, MADELINE, RIC: Somebody snitched on me.
CHORUS:
ALL OF THE “NAUGHTY” PORT CHUCKLEHEADS: We’re getting’ nuttin’ for Christmas
We made some people so mad.
We’re
getting nuttin’ for Christmas
‘Cuz
we ain’t been nuttin’ but bad!
NIKOLAS: I embraced my inner Cassadine. Somebody snitched on me.
PAUL: I’m eyeball deep in organized crime. Somebody snitched on me.
HAYDEN: I pretended to be Jason’s wife
CARRRRRRRLOS: I ended Duke Lavery’s life
FRANCO: I threatened Morgan with a knife
NIKOLAS, PAUL, HAYDEN, CARRRRRRRLOS, FRANCO: Somebody snitched on me.
CHORUS
KIKI: I ran Carly off
the road. Somebody snitched on me.
AVA: I posed as
DiMuccio. Somebody snitched on me.
CAMERON: I started a
fire at Wyndemere
LUKE: I took a bite
outta Baldwin’s ear
DILLON: I outed Dante
& Val’s affair
KIKI, AVA, CAMERON, LUKE, DILLON: Somebody snitched on me.
CHORUS
VALERIE: I slept with my cousin’s man. Somebody snitched on me.
OLIVIA: I hid my baby from Julian. Somebody snitched on me.
HELENA: I
brainwashed Jason and hid his son
MAXIE: I helped Johnny go on the run
SONNY: I threatened Ava with a gun.
VALERIE, OLIVIA, HELENA,
MAXIE, SONNY: Somebody snitched on
me.
CHORUS
MORGAN: I teamed up with Kiki to drug my bro. Somebody snitched on me.
NINA: I faked crazy to be with Franco. Somebody snitched on me.
JOHNNY: I skipped town and fled the law
SPINELLI: I hacked into General Hospital
SABRINA: I’m keeping a big secret from Michael
MORGAN, NINA, JOHNNY,
SPINELLI, SABRINA: Somebody snitched on
me.
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