Mystery solved! Silas Clay's killer is none other than Madeline "Mad Maddie/Magda/Mother of Nina" Reeves. One month after Silas bit the dust at the hand of Nina's scheming, bitchy, coma-inducing mother, the likes of Franco, Morgan, Nina, Ric and Ava are off the hook. Well, Ava still has that Connie Falconeri murder hanging over her head, but her hands are clean where Silas is concerned.
Ric gets Madeline to cop to the crime by wearing a wire and wearing Mads down. At her dearly-departed dad's apartment, Kiki reels Morgan in and catches him inadvertently admitting to shagging Ava behind her back. Lulu cajoles Maxie into auditioning for the role of Marjorie and Maxie nails her audition. TJ alerts Sonny that Ric might be in trouble. Nathan arrests his mother-aunt at the courthouse as Jordan feels a weight lifted off her shoulders.
COURTHOUSE
RIC: Hmmm, this is interesting, Mads. How did you get Silas to give his John Hancock to our prized document, and on the day he croaked, to boot!
MADELINE: I can be very persuasive, Ric.
RIC: So you slept with a man you claim to despise in order to get his siggy?
MADELINE: Me? Sleep with SILAS? Puh-LEASE! I simply appealed to his unresolved feelings for his ex wife.
FLASHBACK TO JULY 31 AT SILAS'S APARTMENT
MADELINE: Silas, would you be a dear and write your name on this little piece of paper for me?
SILAS: Get lost, Mad Maddie!
MADELINE: I always despised your lack of proper decorum. Just sign the damn document and we can get on with our lives.
SILAS: Is your memory failing at your advanced age? I signed that document last year. Back when I thought Nina was dead.
MADELINE: Things have changed since then.
SILAS: You THINK? Nina was right. You and Ric are just after her money.
MADELINE: Is your hearing failing YOU? When did I mention Ric?
SILAS: You didn't have to.
MADELINE: Nina's sick. She's having baby hallucinations and needs help.
SILAS: Hallucinations my ass! I kidnapped Avery, not Nina.
MADELINE: Just sign the goddamned DOCUMENT for crying out loud.
SILAS: OVER MY DEAD BODY!
MADELINE: DONE! (stabs Silas)
COURTHOUSE
RIC: So you did kill Silas.
MADELINE: Did not.
RIC: Did too.
MADELINE: Did not.
RIC: Did too.
MADELINE: Fine, I KILLED THE BASTARD! YOU HAPPY NOW?
RIC: Very happy. Mr. Wire is even happier because he's getting a raise, aren't you, Mr. Wire?
MADELINE: Gimme that son of a bitch NOW!
PCPD
JORDAN: Look, guys, Lomax is going to have a coronary if we don't solve this crime YESTERDAY!
DANTE: We're on it.
JORDAN: I sure hope so. She's bending my ear about letting Ric go.
NATHAN: Ric's scum in my book for what he did to my sister, but if he comes through for us, we're golden. My mother-aunt, on the other hand, will be orange.
SONNY'S HOUSE
TJ: Hey, Sonny? I think your brother's in some kind of trouble.
SONNY: What kind of trouble?
TJ: I don't know, but there was police tape all over his office and he might be in the slammer.
CARLY: We needed a new lawyer anyway.
SONNY: I'll go check it out. Thanks kid.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: You want to be a movie star, Maxie, YOU audition for Marjorie.
MAXIE: ME?
DILLON: HER?
MAXIE: HEY!
LULU: Yes, YOU, Maxie. Start auditioning already! It's not like you have a Game of Thrones audition to get to.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
KIKI: Come on in Morgan. Remember how we got back together in this place? Remember how you declared your love to me and we had a ton of sex?
MORGAN: Yeah. Wanna have some more right now?
KIKI: Sorry, not in the mood. Not after you've been cheating on me with my MOTHER!
MORGAN: That SO didn't happen.
KIKI: Oh, that's right. You thought you were cheating on me with my aunt. That makes it better. NOT!
MORGAN: Did Ava tell you this? Your mom's a lying BITCH!
KIKI: It was FRANCO and YOU are the liar and a total PERV! Get lost, CREEP!
MORGAN: It was a mistake! I let the wrong end of my body make my decisions. It won't happen again. EVER! Because, you know, your mom's going back to P-ville for offing Connie.
KIKI: What part of GET LOST don't you understand. Oh, and get HELP too.
COURTHOUSE
NATHAN: Mother-Aunt, you are under the arrest for the murder of Silas Clay. This is really getting to be a pattern.
DANTE: Tell me about it.
MADELINE: But...But...But...
NATHAN: You know, Liesl Obrecht is really beginning to grow on me.
PCPD
SONNY: Hey, Commish, what's the deal with arresting my brother?
JORDAN: You need to check your twitter feed more often, Mr Corinthos. Ric has been released and he just helped us haul in Silas's real killer.
SONNY: My bro for the win!
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: Maxie, you just kind of nailed that audition. You're my new Marjorie. If Game of Thrones calls, do us all a favor and don't answer.
MAXIE: OMG, I'm going to be in a MOVIE! Updating my facebook status STAT
LULU: I'm sorta kinda jealous now, but at least we'll get to hang out on set a lot.
DILLON: Congrats, Maxie. Fair warning: the wardrobe budget's still 93 cents.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
Judges Be Judgy
That's what Franco told Nina, not in so many words, after she came up empty at her arraignment. Meanwhile, Ric wiggles his way out being charged with Silas's murder and shows up at the courthouse after Nina is denied bail with Madeline's prized document in his hand. Franco tells Kiki that her mother and Morgan had been doing the deed behind her back. Carly and Sonny try in vain to convince Morgan to get screened for Bipolar disorder. Dillon wants Lulu to play the female lead in his movie, but Lulu has other ideas.
COURTHOUSE
JUDGE ROTH: How do you plea, Mrs. Lansing.
NINA: Not Guilty. On behalf of Franco, I also plead not guilty.
JUDGE ROTH: Has no one in this town watched a single episode of Law & Order? There seems to be an abundance of confusion about how courtrooms work.
NINA: I didn't kill Silas. Neither did Franco. I appreciate the juice boxes and all, but me and Franco should be playing duck-duck-goose outside of a jail cell.
ALEXIS: Do you ever SHUT THE HELL UP, Nina?
NINA: But...but...but...somebody else killed Silas!
JUDGE ROTH: Bail is denied.
ALEXIS & NINA: CRAP!
MADELINE: Poor, babbling, desperate Nina.
NINA: Mother, what are you doing here? And where's my husband, your lapdog?
MADELINE: I'm only here to support you, darling. Do you miss the looney bin?
NINA: Not as much as I miss my money, MOTHER.
PCPD JAIL
FRANCO: Here's the deal, Kiki. Silas knew that Morgan and your mother were screwing behind your back.
KIKI: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT? Where's the proof?
FRANCO: She TOLD ME.
KIKI: Oh REALLY. When were you planning to tell ME what was going on between my boyfriend and my mother who was pretending to be my aunt? I need some brain bleach, like NOW!
FRANCO: Well, Ava bribed me to keep my mouth shut by helping me get Nina back, so I was like, what the hey? What Kiki doesn't know won't hurt her.
KIKI: Seriously, Franco? You chose that sister-stealing PSYCHO over ME, your almost-daughter?
FRANCO: Hey, I came clean in the end, didn't I? Want a juice box? I can throw in some animal crackers.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: Lulu, will you please be my Marjorie?
LULU: N and O! I'm not an actress, Dillon! I didn't even try out for a school play. So not happening.
DILLON: Come ON, Lulu! At least I know YOU won't ditch me for Game of Thrones!
LULU: Here's an idea. How about you dress up in drag and play Marjorie yourself.
DILLON: I'm already playing Declan.
MAXIE: Bad news. Reeves is out.
LULU: You mean Keanu Reeves doesn't want to play Declan? Well, he is a little, well, mature for the role...
MAXIE: I MEANT Reeves, the shoestring-budget fashion designer.
DILLON: Maxie, will you help me convince Lulu to play my leading lady?
MAXIE: Come on, Lulu! Think of all the amazing Hollywood parties you can bring me along to.
LULU: You want to party in Hollywood, Maxie? How about YOU play Marjorie and leave me the hell out of this.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Morgan, you may want to sit down for this. We are worried about you. We think you might be going off the deep end. We think you might be...
SONNY: Bipolar
MORGAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT? You think I'm bonkers like my old man?
SONNY: Hey! Do I look like a lunatic to you, son?
MORGAN: I'm just fine because I dumped Ava and all my problems are solved because they were all Ava's fault.
CARLY: I hate Ava as much as the next sane person in this town, but you've been out of control since before you hooked up with that tramp.
SONNY: Son, you can get help for this. You can take meds, just like me. It sucks to have to set a pill alarm, but it sucks worse to hurt the people I love because I'm acting all bipolar-y.
MORGAN: I'm SO not seeing a friggin' SHRINK! Kiki will solve all my problems. All I need is Kiki.
CARLY: So what you're saying is that one Jerome is the cause of all your problems, from gambling to drugging your brother, to being an all-around loose cannon, and another Jerome is the solution? What is so wrong with getting help? Have you become a scientologist all of the sudden?
PCPD
JORDAN: Lomax is putting the screws to me, detectives. Why did you let Lansing go?
NATHAN: Because he Ric Lansing-ed his way out of the charges.
JORDAN: Really?
DANTE: We did what we could, but he's covered in as much teflon as my dad.
COURTHOUSE
RIC: Hi Mad Maddie. Trying to buy Nina a Get Out of Jail Free card so you can send her back to the funny farm?
MADELINE: Do you have the DOCUMENT?
RIC: Have I let you down, Mads? Here it is. By the way, how did you get Silas to sign it?
COURTHOUSE
JUDGE ROTH: How do you plea, Mrs. Lansing.
NINA: Not Guilty. On behalf of Franco, I also plead not guilty.
JUDGE ROTH: Has no one in this town watched a single episode of Law & Order? There seems to be an abundance of confusion about how courtrooms work.
NINA: I didn't kill Silas. Neither did Franco. I appreciate the juice boxes and all, but me and Franco should be playing duck-duck-goose outside of a jail cell.
ALEXIS: Do you ever SHUT THE HELL UP, Nina?
NINA: But...but...but...somebody else killed Silas!
JUDGE ROTH: Bail is denied.
ALEXIS & NINA: CRAP!
MADELINE: Poor, babbling, desperate Nina.
NINA: Mother, what are you doing here? And where's my husband, your lapdog?
MADELINE: I'm only here to support you, darling. Do you miss the looney bin?
NINA: Not as much as I miss my money, MOTHER.
PCPD JAIL
FRANCO: Here's the deal, Kiki. Silas knew that Morgan and your mother were screwing behind your back.
KIKI: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT? Where's the proof?
FRANCO: She TOLD ME.
KIKI: Oh REALLY. When were you planning to tell ME what was going on between my boyfriend and my mother who was pretending to be my aunt? I need some brain bleach, like NOW!
FRANCO: Well, Ava bribed me to keep my mouth shut by helping me get Nina back, so I was like, what the hey? What Kiki doesn't know won't hurt her.
KIKI: Seriously, Franco? You chose that sister-stealing PSYCHO over ME, your almost-daughter?
FRANCO: Hey, I came clean in the end, didn't I? Want a juice box? I can throw in some animal crackers.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: Lulu, will you please be my Marjorie?
LULU: N and O! I'm not an actress, Dillon! I didn't even try out for a school play. So not happening.
DILLON: Come ON, Lulu! At least I know YOU won't ditch me for Game of Thrones!
LULU: Here's an idea. How about you dress up in drag and play Marjorie yourself.
DILLON: I'm already playing Declan.
MAXIE: Bad news. Reeves is out.
LULU: You mean Keanu Reeves doesn't want to play Declan? Well, he is a little, well, mature for the role...
MAXIE: I MEANT Reeves, the shoestring-budget fashion designer.
DILLON: Maxie, will you help me convince Lulu to play my leading lady?
MAXIE: Come on, Lulu! Think of all the amazing Hollywood parties you can bring me along to.
LULU: You want to party in Hollywood, Maxie? How about YOU play Marjorie and leave me the hell out of this.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Morgan, you may want to sit down for this. We are worried about you. We think you might be going off the deep end. We think you might be...
SONNY: Bipolar
MORGAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT? You think I'm bonkers like my old man?
SONNY: Hey! Do I look like a lunatic to you, son?
MORGAN: I'm just fine because I dumped Ava and all my problems are solved because they were all Ava's fault.
CARLY: I hate Ava as much as the next sane person in this town, but you've been out of control since before you hooked up with that tramp.
SONNY: Son, you can get help for this. You can take meds, just like me. It sucks to have to set a pill alarm, but it sucks worse to hurt the people I love because I'm acting all bipolar-y.
MORGAN: I'm SO not seeing a friggin' SHRINK! Kiki will solve all my problems. All I need is Kiki.
CARLY: So what you're saying is that one Jerome is the cause of all your problems, from gambling to drugging your brother, to being an all-around loose cannon, and another Jerome is the solution? What is so wrong with getting help? Have you become a scientologist all of the sudden?
PCPD
JORDAN: Lomax is putting the screws to me, detectives. Why did you let Lansing go?
NATHAN: Because he Ric Lansing-ed his way out of the charges.
JORDAN: Really?
DANTE: We did what we could, but he's covered in as much teflon as my dad.
COURTHOUSE
RIC: Hi Mad Maddie. Trying to buy Nina a Get Out of Jail Free card so you can send her back to the funny farm?
MADELINE: Do you have the DOCUMENT?
RIC: Have I let you down, Mads? Here it is. By the way, how did you get Silas to sign it?
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Just TELL HER already, Franco!
Franco hems and haws over whether or not to tell Kiki that her boyfriend was sleeping with her mother again. Ava pleads her case to Morgan while Carly is more convinced than ever that he's bipolar. Julian tries to steal the Ava confession recording from Ric's office, but is caught by Jordan. Dante and Nathan arrest Ric for Silas's murder. Dillon asks Maxie to be his costume designer, but on a shoestring budget.
PCPD JAIL
KIKI: Where's your psycho girlfriend who killed my dad?
FRANCO: She's in time out--I mean she's at her arraignment.
KIKI: I hope they lock her up and throw away the key.
FRANCO: She didn't kill Silas, Kiki. Your mother did.
KIKI: No she didn't.
FRANCO: Wanna know what Silas wanted to tell you?
KIKI: Well, YEAH!
FRANCO: I don't know whether I should tell you. You're gonna be super pissed.
KIKI: At who?
FRANCO: Your mom...and Morgan.
KIKI: TELL ME, DAMMIT!
PCPD OFFICE
JORDAN: I have a multiple choice question for the two of you: Who killed Silas Clay? A. Franco Baldwin. B. Nina Lansing. C. Ava Jerome.
NATHAN: D. None of the above.
DANTE: We have a theory on who killed him. Permission to dig for evidence?
JORDAN: Sure, but make it snappy. Lomax is breathing VERY LOUDLY down my neck and it's creeping me out big-time.
RIC'S OFFICE
RIC: Nice of you to drop by, Julian. Are you turning yourself in for messing with my brother's shipment?
JULIAN: PFFFFFFFFT! His coffee sucks! I'm here to threaten media warfare if you don't get off my back about attacking your precious mobster brother.
RIC: You do know Molly is your girlfriend's daughter, don't you? Gotta go. A D.A.'s work is never done. (leaves)
JULIAN: Now where is that goddamn recording?
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: I want you, Maxie...
MAXIE: Sorry, Dillon. I'm spoken for. Besides, aren't you dating my BFF's cousin who I don't hate as much as I used to?
DILLON: Slow your roll, Maxie. You didn't let me finish your sentence. I want you to be my costume designer. Here's 3 quarters, a dime, a nickel, and 3 pennies. That's your budget. Make it work.
MAXIE: Who died and made you Tim Gunn? Unless you want your actors dressed in toilet paper, I'm gonna need a little more cash. And by a little, I mean about 25 grand.
DILLON: Who do you think I am? Spielberg? 93 cents is all you're getting.
MAXIE: In that case, I'll have to hire Reeves. No relation to my boyfriend's sociopathic mother.
DILLON: Do whatever you gotta do. You can keep the change.
PCPD JAIL
MORGAN: Why did you lie, Ava?
AVA: Because you threw me under the bus to your dad before and I didn't trust you.
MORGAN: That REALLY PISSES ME OFF!
AVA: But I LOVE YOU, Morgan! I love you enough to do the nasty with you even though it would break Kiki's heart if she found out. You know you don't love her like you love me.
MORGAN: Sorry, Ava. You're headed to the pokey for a long, long stay.
AVA: Come on, Morgan! Touch my boob! TOUCH IT! Don't you FEEL THE LURVE????
MORGAN: Nope. It's all over, Ava. I liked you better as Denise.
PCPD
DANTE: Ric Lansing, you are under arrest for the murder of Silas Clay.
RIC: Say WHAAAAAAAAT? You can't arrest the D.A. That's not how it works.
NATHAN: You're slime, Lansing. You're trying to steal my sister's money. Oh and you killed her ex-husband and we have proof.
RIC: I'm not uttering a syllable without my lawyer present. Wait a minute? Who is my lawyer? I AM a lawyer? Am I representing myself? I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!!
RIC'S OFFICE
JORDAN: Looking for something, Julian?
JULIAN: Just waiting for the D.A. We have a few things to, hash out, so to speak.
JORDAN: It's gonna be awhile. I hope you packed a Snickers,
JULIAN: You're funny, Commish. Don't you have someone to arrest or something?
JORDAN: Get the hell out of Lansing's office, Julian.
JULIAN: But it's so cozy in here.
JORDAN: Scram, Julian! Now!
PCPD JAIL
KIKI: Where's your psycho girlfriend who killed my dad?
FRANCO: She's in time out--I mean she's at her arraignment.
KIKI: I hope they lock her up and throw away the key.
FRANCO: She didn't kill Silas, Kiki. Your mother did.
KIKI: No she didn't.
FRANCO: Wanna know what Silas wanted to tell you?
KIKI: Well, YEAH!
FRANCO: I don't know whether I should tell you. You're gonna be super pissed.
KIKI: At who?
FRANCO: Your mom...and Morgan.
KIKI: TELL ME, DAMMIT!
PCPD OFFICE
JORDAN: I have a multiple choice question for the two of you: Who killed Silas Clay? A. Franco Baldwin. B. Nina Lansing. C. Ava Jerome.
NATHAN: D. None of the above.
DANTE: We have a theory on who killed him. Permission to dig for evidence?
JORDAN: Sure, but make it snappy. Lomax is breathing VERY LOUDLY down my neck and it's creeping me out big-time.
RIC'S OFFICE
RIC: Nice of you to drop by, Julian. Are you turning yourself in for messing with my brother's shipment?
JULIAN: PFFFFFFFFT! His coffee sucks! I'm here to threaten media warfare if you don't get off my back about attacking your precious mobster brother.
RIC: You do know Molly is your girlfriend's daughter, don't you? Gotta go. A D.A.'s work is never done. (leaves)
JULIAN: Now where is that goddamn recording?
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: I want you, Maxie...
MAXIE: Sorry, Dillon. I'm spoken for. Besides, aren't you dating my BFF's cousin who I don't hate as much as I used to?
DILLON: Slow your roll, Maxie. You didn't let me finish your sentence. I want you to be my costume designer. Here's 3 quarters, a dime, a nickel, and 3 pennies. That's your budget. Make it work.
MAXIE: Who died and made you Tim Gunn? Unless you want your actors dressed in toilet paper, I'm gonna need a little more cash. And by a little, I mean about 25 grand.
DILLON: Who do you think I am? Spielberg? 93 cents is all you're getting.
MAXIE: In that case, I'll have to hire Reeves. No relation to my boyfriend's sociopathic mother.
DILLON: Do whatever you gotta do. You can keep the change.
PCPD JAIL
MORGAN: Why did you lie, Ava?
AVA: Because you threw me under the bus to your dad before and I didn't trust you.
MORGAN: That REALLY PISSES ME OFF!
AVA: But I LOVE YOU, Morgan! I love you enough to do the nasty with you even though it would break Kiki's heart if she found out. You know you don't love her like you love me.
MORGAN: Sorry, Ava. You're headed to the pokey for a long, long stay.
AVA: Come on, Morgan! Touch my boob! TOUCH IT! Don't you FEEL THE LURVE????
MORGAN: Nope. It's all over, Ava. I liked you better as Denise.
PCPD
DANTE: Ric Lansing, you are under arrest for the murder of Silas Clay.
RIC: Say WHAAAAAAAAT? You can't arrest the D.A. That's not how it works.
NATHAN: You're slime, Lansing. You're trying to steal my sister's money. Oh and you killed her ex-husband and we have proof.
RIC: I'm not uttering a syllable without my lawyer present. Wait a minute? Who is my lawyer? I AM a lawyer? Am I representing myself? I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!!
RIC'S OFFICE
JORDAN: Looking for something, Julian?
JULIAN: Just waiting for the D.A. We have a few things to, hash out, so to speak.
JORDAN: It's gonna be awhile. I hope you packed a Snickers,
JULIAN: You're funny, Commish. Don't you have someone to arrest or something?
JORDAN: Get the hell out of Lansing's office, Julian.
JULIAN: But it's so cozy in here.
JORDAN: Scram, Julian! Now!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Juice Boxes In The Slammer
How cute! Franco and Nina drink apple juice out of little juice boxes in the PCPD jail while awaiting arraignment. All that's missing from a full-fledged kindergarten snack time are little plastic cups of fruit cocktail. Upstairs at the station, Nathan believes in his sister-cousin's innocence. Mad Maddie gives Ric an earful about Nina being stashed in a holding cell instead of her comfy rec room at Shadybrook confiding in her nuthouse bestie Heidi. Morgan and Kiki comfort each other at Sonny's while Sonny pays a visit to a still-brunette Ava's cell. Julian 'fesses up to Alexis that he knew "Denise" was Ava...for all of 24 hours.
PCPD JAIL
GUARD: So, I've been charged for distributing apple juice to suspected murderers. What's next? Milk and cookies?
NINA: Thank you, Franco. If I have to be locked in this cell for a crime I didn't commit, at least I have my main squeeze in the cell across from me.
GUARD: Get a room! Oh, that's right, you can't. See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya!
FRANCO: Don't mind him. He's just mad because I wouldn't let him play duck-duck-goose.
NINA: We're going to get out of this story circle--I mean these jail cells soon. My brother won't let us down.
FRANCO: Yeah, good luck with that.
PCPD
DANTE: Welcome to the "I Have To Arrest A Family Member" Club, partner. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
NATHAN: No offense, man, but it's a club I'd rather not belong to. Besides, I think Nina's innocent.
DANTE: Surely she and Silas were rehearsing for the slasher scene in Dillon Quartermaine's hipster movie.
NATHAN: I'm serious, man! Check out the log book from Silas's building. Other people came to visit him that day. Like your brother Morgan
DANTE: CRAP! What if Morgan was getting it on with Ava behind Kiki's back again?
NATHAN: Slow your roll, dude. It could have been someone else.
SONNY'S HOUSE
MORGAN: Why aren't you more pissed about Ava lying to me--I mean us?
KIKI: I don't know, maybe because I just lost my dad and now I HAVE MY MOTHER BACK?
MORGAN: Yeah, there's that. I guess I see your point. But I'm still pissed.
KIKI: Why? Because you're still in love with my mother?
MORGAN: Let's leave The Chuckles behind and start over.
KIKI: All over the place much?
PCPD JAIL
SONNY: Well, well well, look who had you figured out all along. Denise DiMuccio my ass! And you still killed Connie!
AVA: What are you gonna do? Poison my prison-issued apple juice? How very Evil Queen of you.
SONNY: Why would I do that if I could tell Kiki that you've been screwing her boyfriend? Wait--never mind. That would throw my own son under the bus. I guess I'll just settle for you being locked up for the rest of your natural life, or lives as it seems is the case. No Kiki. No Avery. Just an orange jumpsuit and your friends in the hoosegow. Good luck with that.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
JULIAN: You see, Alexis, I kinda knew Denise was Ava.
ALEXIS: Why does that not shock me that you harbored a fugitive for months?
JULIAN: Try 24 hours. I just found out yesterday when my sister spilled her guts to me right before being dragged into court.
ALEXIS: Why then? Did she want a favor or something?
JULIAN: Well...
RIC'S OFFICE
MADELINE: WHY is Nina in a JAIL CELL and not in the looney bin where she belongs?
RIC: Well, she was kind of photographed holding a knife over a bleeding Silas Clay. Around these parts, we call that evidence.
MADELINE: Evidence, SCHMEVIDENCE! Get her out of that rat-infested cell and back in the Shadybrook rec room playing checkers with her catatonic friends.
RIC: So, did you get her to sign over her money to us?
MADELINE: I tried, but she suddenly grew a suspicious mind and insisted on "looking them over" first. My son has them now.
RIC: So? Be all mother-auntly and pry them away from him.
MADELINE: Why would I do that when I could make you do it instead?
PCPD:
NATHAN: I think I just solved Silas's murder.
PCPD JAIL
MORGAN: Damn you, Ava! You lying bitch!
GUARD: Snack time's over, kids. Mrs. Lansing's being arraigned.
PCPD JAIL
GUARD: So, I've been charged for distributing apple juice to suspected murderers. What's next? Milk and cookies?
NINA: Thank you, Franco. If I have to be locked in this cell for a crime I didn't commit, at least I have my main squeeze in the cell across from me.
GUARD: Get a room! Oh, that's right, you can't. See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya!
FRANCO: Don't mind him. He's just mad because I wouldn't let him play duck-duck-goose.
NINA: We're going to get out of this story circle--I mean these jail cells soon. My brother won't let us down.
FRANCO: Yeah, good luck with that.
PCPD
DANTE: Welcome to the "I Have To Arrest A Family Member" Club, partner. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
NATHAN: No offense, man, but it's a club I'd rather not belong to. Besides, I think Nina's innocent.
DANTE: Surely she and Silas were rehearsing for the slasher scene in Dillon Quartermaine's hipster movie.
NATHAN: I'm serious, man! Check out the log book from Silas's building. Other people came to visit him that day. Like your brother Morgan
DANTE: CRAP! What if Morgan was getting it on with Ava behind Kiki's back again?
NATHAN: Slow your roll, dude. It could have been someone else.
SONNY'S HOUSE
MORGAN: Why aren't you more pissed about Ava lying to me--I mean us?
KIKI: I don't know, maybe because I just lost my dad and now I HAVE MY MOTHER BACK?
MORGAN: Yeah, there's that. I guess I see your point. But I'm still pissed.
KIKI: Why? Because you're still in love with my mother?
MORGAN: Let's leave The Chuckles behind and start over.
KIKI: All over the place much?
PCPD JAIL
SONNY: Well, well well, look who had you figured out all along. Denise DiMuccio my ass! And you still killed Connie!
AVA: What are you gonna do? Poison my prison-issued apple juice? How very Evil Queen of you.
SONNY: Why would I do that if I could tell Kiki that you've been screwing her boyfriend? Wait--never mind. That would throw my own son under the bus. I guess I'll just settle for you being locked up for the rest of your natural life, or lives as it seems is the case. No Kiki. No Avery. Just an orange jumpsuit and your friends in the hoosegow. Good luck with that.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
JULIAN: You see, Alexis, I kinda knew Denise was Ava.
ALEXIS: Why does that not shock me that you harbored a fugitive for months?
JULIAN: Try 24 hours. I just found out yesterday when my sister spilled her guts to me right before being dragged into court.
ALEXIS: Why then? Did she want a favor or something?
JULIAN: Well...
RIC'S OFFICE
MADELINE: WHY is Nina in a JAIL CELL and not in the looney bin where she belongs?
RIC: Well, she was kind of photographed holding a knife over a bleeding Silas Clay. Around these parts, we call that evidence.
MADELINE: Evidence, SCHMEVIDENCE! Get her out of that rat-infested cell and back in the Shadybrook rec room playing checkers with her catatonic friends.
RIC: So, did you get her to sign over her money to us?
MADELINE: I tried, but she suddenly grew a suspicious mind and insisted on "looking them over" first. My son has them now.
RIC: So? Be all mother-auntly and pry them away from him.
MADELINE: Why would I do that when I could make you do it instead?
PCPD:
NATHAN: I think I just solved Silas's murder.
PCPD JAIL
MORGAN: Damn you, Ava! You lying bitch!
GUARD: Snack time's over, kids. Mrs. Lansing's being arraigned.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Ava Vs. Nina
The two volatile troublemakers were a few cop restraints away from an all-out catfight at the PCPD, each accusing the other of murdering Silas Clay. Meanwhile, Franco keeps the farcical courtroom scene rolling by repeatedly confessing to murdering the good doctor, all in a desperate attempt to protect his main squeeze, Nina. A livid Morgan tells Kiki that Ava screwed him over big-time. Sonny tells Carly that Ava and Denise are one and the same. Dillon fakes Lulu out by telling her that Valerie's in the family way. But is it really a fakeout? The bun in Val's oven might beg to differ! At the PCPD, Valerie tells Dante she's seeking new living arrangements.
COURTHOUSE
FRANCO: I did it. I killed Silas Clay. I call Franco Baldwin to the stand. Franco, did you kill Silas Clay? Funny you should ask. Yes, I did.
SCOTT: Will you shut your ever-loving trap, son?
FRANCO: If you would remember your lines, Pops, I wouldn't have to say them for you.
JUDGE CHUA: Mr. Baldwin, do I look like a ringmaster to you?
RIC: Here's an idea. Why don't we arrest the whole cast of crazy characters, starting with my whackjob wife. Throw in a little so-called reformed serial killer and a mobstress-turned-fake-beautician and you have all three rings. Seriously, when has a day in court been this entertaining?
JUDGE CHUA: Fine. I'm outta here. I've got a lunch date with Judge Judy.
MORGAN: How could Ava do this to me and my...um...girlfriend?
KIKI: Who cares? Mom's alive and I'm going down to the police station to see her.
MORGAN: Aren't you pissed that she lied to you? I mean, I know you're only her daughter, but I was her LOVER...way back when.
KIKI: Now that I know which end of your body you think with, I'm out of here.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: Hey Lulu, I did what you wanted me to do. I knocked Valerie up.
LULU: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
DILLON: PSYCH!
VALERIE'S UNBORN BABY: Psych right back atcha! I'm for REAL, brother. Might as well get used to it.
LULU: If I didn't have unresolved, latent feelings for you and your hot, sexy, screenwriting skillz, I would so kill you right now.
DILLON: Saved by my irresistible knack for steamy dialogue. What do you say we do a read-through? If you want, you can read for Declan and I can be Marjorie?
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
DANTE: Planning on interrogating someone? You know that's not part of your job description, don't you?
VALERIE: Just looking for my next home. That castle Lulu's brother lives in was too creepy and with Hayden Barnes coming back, it was about to turn back into a den of iniquity, so I packed up and moved the hell out of there. I'm crashing at Carly's until I find a place of my own, but living in a ten-year-old's room isn't the ideal situation either.
DANTE: That's gotta be awkward.
VALERIE: Speaking of awkward...
DANTE: Not the "we had sex and I'm tormented by what I did to Lulu" talk again.
Q MANSION
PAUL: Yeah, so I gave Dillon a half million bucks to help him shoot his movie.
TRACY: How many banks did you rob to get that kind of money to throw around?
PAUL: I happen to be a halfway decent businessman, Tracy. Besides, I missed over two decades of the kid's life. It was the least I could do.
TRACY: Paul, would you mind giving ME a half million?
PAUL: Very funny, but there are some times in our lives where we all have pain. We all have sorrow. But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow. Lean on me, Tracy. When you're not strong. I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on.
TRACY: When am I not STRONG? I'm Tracy Angelica Freakin' Quartermaine!
PAUL: When did you add Freakin' to your name? Has it been that long since we've been in touch? All kidding aside, we can lean on each other. Just not in bed.
TRACY: That we can agree on.
PCPD
DANTE: Well if it isn't the bitch who murdered my cousin!
VALERIE: OMG, she murdered your COUSIN? I'm so sorry, Dante!
AVA: Maybe I murdered Connie Falconeri, but I didn't murder Silas Clay. That was all Nina.
NINA: A-VA! I knew it was you behind that Denise De Mooooooooooccio getup. You lying skank. YOU. LYING. SKANK!
AVA: I didn't murder Silas, you baby-stealing whackjob. That was ALL. YOU. NI-NA!
NINA: A-VA!
AVA: NI-NA!
COP: Take it easy, ladies! I have a taser and I know how to use it.
DANTE: I'll take the cousin-killer. You take the sister-stealer.
SONNY & CARLY'S
SONNY: You'll never guess what I found out. Denise DiMuccio and Ava Jerome are One. And. The. Same.
CARLY: Isn't that what you've been saying all along?
SONNY: Yeah, but without that second DNA test, nobody would believe me.
CARLY: Wait a minute! What second DNA test?
SONNY: The one that proved that Denise was Ava. You see, Silas rescued Ava from the bridge, then diagnosed her with cancer. The only way he could save her was for Avery to donate bone marrow so Silas took Avery, sucked some marrow out of her bones, and gave it to Ava. Avery's bone marrow changed the DNA in her blood, but it didn't change the DNA from spit or hair or whatever.
CARLY: Mad props to whoever got that second DNA sample.
MORGAN: Yeah, so Ava's alive and she lied to me. I'm super pissed, man!
CARLY & SONNY: We're here for you, Morgan.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
KIKI: So, Mom, did you kill my dad or what?
AVA: Why would I kill the man who saved my life? What kind of example does that set for my two daughters? It was Silas's crazy ex-wife Nina who killed him.
KIKI: I'm so glad you're alive, Mom! Even if you've been lying to us for months. Morgan's acting really weird, by the way. He's going off the deep end about you being alive.
PCPD JAIL
NINA: I didn't do it, Jay.
NATHAN: Sorry, Nina. Everybody kinda thinks you did. Even that catatonic friend of yours, Heidi.
FRANCO: Don't worry, Nina. Franco's here and he's gonna find a way to fix this.
NINA: Franco, you are the wind beneath my wings.
COURTHOUSE
FRANCO: I did it. I killed Silas Clay. I call Franco Baldwin to the stand. Franco, did you kill Silas Clay? Funny you should ask. Yes, I did.
SCOTT: Will you shut your ever-loving trap, son?
FRANCO: If you would remember your lines, Pops, I wouldn't have to say them for you.
JUDGE CHUA: Mr. Baldwin, do I look like a ringmaster to you?
RIC: Here's an idea. Why don't we arrest the whole cast of crazy characters, starting with my whackjob wife. Throw in a little so-called reformed serial killer and a mobstress-turned-fake-beautician and you have all three rings. Seriously, when has a day in court been this entertaining?
JUDGE CHUA: Fine. I'm outta here. I've got a lunch date with Judge Judy.
MORGAN: How could Ava do this to me and my...um...girlfriend?
KIKI: Who cares? Mom's alive and I'm going down to the police station to see her.
MORGAN: Aren't you pissed that she lied to you? I mean, I know you're only her daughter, but I was her LOVER...way back when.
KIKI: Now that I know which end of your body you think with, I'm out of here.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: Hey Lulu, I did what you wanted me to do. I knocked Valerie up.
LULU: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
DILLON: PSYCH!
VALERIE'S UNBORN BABY: Psych right back atcha! I'm for REAL, brother. Might as well get used to it.
LULU: If I didn't have unresolved, latent feelings for you and your hot, sexy, screenwriting skillz, I would so kill you right now.
DILLON: Saved by my irresistible knack for steamy dialogue. What do you say we do a read-through? If you want, you can read for Declan and I can be Marjorie?
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
DANTE: Planning on interrogating someone? You know that's not part of your job description, don't you?
VALERIE: Just looking for my next home. That castle Lulu's brother lives in was too creepy and with Hayden Barnes coming back, it was about to turn back into a den of iniquity, so I packed up and moved the hell out of there. I'm crashing at Carly's until I find a place of my own, but living in a ten-year-old's room isn't the ideal situation either.
DANTE: That's gotta be awkward.
VALERIE: Speaking of awkward...
DANTE: Not the "we had sex and I'm tormented by what I did to Lulu" talk again.
Q MANSION
PAUL: Yeah, so I gave Dillon a half million bucks to help him shoot his movie.
TRACY: How many banks did you rob to get that kind of money to throw around?
PAUL: I happen to be a halfway decent businessman, Tracy. Besides, I missed over two decades of the kid's life. It was the least I could do.
TRACY: Paul, would you mind giving ME a half million?
PAUL: Very funny, but there are some times in our lives where we all have pain. We all have sorrow. But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow. Lean on me, Tracy. When you're not strong. I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on.
TRACY: When am I not STRONG? I'm Tracy Angelica Freakin' Quartermaine!
PAUL: When did you add Freakin' to your name? Has it been that long since we've been in touch? All kidding aside, we can lean on each other. Just not in bed.
TRACY: That we can agree on.
PCPD
DANTE: Well if it isn't the bitch who murdered my cousin!
VALERIE: OMG, she murdered your COUSIN? I'm so sorry, Dante!
AVA: Maybe I murdered Connie Falconeri, but I didn't murder Silas Clay. That was all Nina.
NINA: A-VA! I knew it was you behind that Denise De Mooooooooooccio getup. You lying skank. YOU. LYING. SKANK!
AVA: I didn't murder Silas, you baby-stealing whackjob. That was ALL. YOU. NI-NA!
NINA: A-VA!
AVA: NI-NA!
COP: Take it easy, ladies! I have a taser and I know how to use it.
DANTE: I'll take the cousin-killer. You take the sister-stealer.
SONNY & CARLY'S
SONNY: You'll never guess what I found out. Denise DiMuccio and Ava Jerome are One. And. The. Same.
CARLY: Isn't that what you've been saying all along?
SONNY: Yeah, but without that second DNA test, nobody would believe me.
CARLY: Wait a minute! What second DNA test?
SONNY: The one that proved that Denise was Ava. You see, Silas rescued Ava from the bridge, then diagnosed her with cancer. The only way he could save her was for Avery to donate bone marrow so Silas took Avery, sucked some marrow out of her bones, and gave it to Ava. Avery's bone marrow changed the DNA in her blood, but it didn't change the DNA from spit or hair or whatever.
CARLY: Mad props to whoever got that second DNA sample.
MORGAN: Yeah, so Ava's alive and she lied to me. I'm super pissed, man!
CARLY & SONNY: We're here for you, Morgan.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
KIKI: So, Mom, did you kill my dad or what?
AVA: Why would I kill the man who saved my life? What kind of example does that set for my two daughters? It was Silas's crazy ex-wife Nina who killed him.
KIKI: I'm so glad you're alive, Mom! Even if you've been lying to us for months. Morgan's acting really weird, by the way. He's going off the deep end about you being alive.
PCPD JAIL
NINA: I didn't do it, Jay.
NATHAN: Sorry, Nina. Everybody kinda thinks you did. Even that catatonic friend of yours, Heidi.
FRANCO: Don't worry, Nina. Franco's here and he's gonna find a way to fix this.
NINA: Franco, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Brunette Bombshell
I'm baaaaaaack! Ava/Denise is forced to reveal her true identity in court when confronted with evidence that she is indeed Ava Jerome. At least she can finally be rid of that wig, or sell it to the next person who wants to go incognito from the law. Nathan gets word from the courthouse that Nina has been implicated in Silas's murder. Meanwhile, Dr. Obrecht is nervous about Franco finding out she is indirectly responsible for sending Nina up the river. Alexis and Sam talk about Julian and how much they can trust his moblessness. Sonny confronts Julian and ends up accused of setting Julian up. Liz and Patrick kibitz about each other's relationships.
COURTHOUSE
SCOTT: Lookee here, your honor! I have evidence that Miz DiMuccio and Ava Jerome are one and the same.
JUDGE CHUA: Where does this evidence come from?
SCOTT: I plead the fifth.
JUDGE CHUA: That's not how the fifth works, Mr. Baldwin. I will repeat my question: Where does this evidence come from?
SCOTT: The Stealth DNA Lab at GH, your honor. In this here envelope, you have all the information you need to prove that this so-called hairdresser from Queens is a figment of Miz Jerome's demented imagination.
AVA/"DENISE": I object!
JUDGE CHUA: Do I need to explain how this trial thing works? Witnesses cannot object and attorneys cannot plead the fifth. Got it?
SCOTT: So, AVA, 'fess up already. YOU ARE AVA JEROME!
AVA/"DENISE": I ain't Ava.
SCOTT: Wrong answer. Try again.
AVA/"DENISE": Ava ain't me.
SCOTT: Where's a gong when you need one? Once more, Miz Jerome, with feeling.
AVA/"DENISE": FINE! I AM AVAAAAAAAA!
SCOTT: Ding ding ding!
KIKI AND MORGAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Congrats on the engagement. You know Maxie's a wedding planner.
LIZ: Thanks, but no thanks. Can't stand the bitch.
OBRECHT: Vat is going on here?
LIZ: Brad Cooper left this for you, Dr. O. Whatever the hell it is.
OBRECHT: Sank you, Nurse Vebber. You can srow it away now zat I got vat I vant from it.
LIZ: Okay, whatever.
PATRICK: Are you sure you want to tie the knot with Jake? You still don't know whether or not he was a terrorist or an axe murderer in his previous life.
LIZ: Not to worry. He sold me some Terrorist/Axe Murderer insurance, so we're good.
PATRICK: Okay. Just want to make sure you know what you're getting into.
LIZ: What about you and Sam? When are you going to put a ring on her finger?
PATRICK: Once she gets over Jason's ghost.
LIZ: I wouldn't let a pesky ghost get in the way if I were you.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Julian, I've summoned you here to 'fess up to messing with my shipment.
JULIAN: Why would I try to steal your coffee when I could get far superior product at Starbucks?
SONNY: I have a proposition.
JULIAN: We're not in Pentonville anymore, Sonny. I'm no longer your prison wife.
SONNY: If you admit you tampered with my shipment, I'll bump off the guy who ratted you out to the cops.
JULIAN: You do realize that you just admitted to setting me up, you DIRTY ROTTEN BASTARD!
SONNY: Why would I shoot my OWN guys? Maybe you really are out of the business if you've forgotten how the mob works.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
SAM: Is Dad home?
ALEXIS: Sorry. He's off tangling with Sonny. It's just you and me and a bottle of Cabernet.
SAM: So do you really think Dad's out of the mob?
ALEXIS: Yes, I do. Why? Should I NOT think he's out? Now I'm all confused.
SAM: In Vino Veritas.
ALEXIS: Okay, the Cab says he's fully legit, so we're good.
SAM: Always trust the Cab. I gotta go meet the boyfriend. Tell Dad I believe him because the wine says so.
METROCOURT
MAXIE: So, how are things with your crazy sister?
NATHAN: She's pretty looney tunes these days. She told me Silas kidnapped Avery.
MAXIE: Why would Silas snatch Ava's baby? I so don't get it.
NATHAN: Neither do I. When I asked her, she told me to go ask this woman named Heidi.
MAXIE: Who's Heidi?
NATHAN: Her catatonic nuthouse bestie.
MAXIE: Wow, and I think I'm crazy sometimes.
COURTHOUSE
AVA: Your honor, check this out. (hands the judge her phone with the picture of Nina holding the knife over Silas)
SCOTT: So a man's bleeding to death and you stop and TAKE A PICTURE? AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME? I rest my case.
RIC: I'll go get my crazy wife and haul her in.
JUDGE CHUA: Oh, good grief!
KIKI: Mom, is it really you?
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: I am so sorry, Franco. I did all zis for your own good.
COURTHOUSE
SCOTT: Lookee here, your honor! I have evidence that Miz DiMuccio and Ava Jerome are one and the same.
JUDGE CHUA: Where does this evidence come from?
SCOTT: I plead the fifth.
JUDGE CHUA: That's not how the fifth works, Mr. Baldwin. I will repeat my question: Where does this evidence come from?
SCOTT: The Stealth DNA Lab at GH, your honor. In this here envelope, you have all the information you need to prove that this so-called hairdresser from Queens is a figment of Miz Jerome's demented imagination.
AVA/"DENISE": I object!
JUDGE CHUA: Do I need to explain how this trial thing works? Witnesses cannot object and attorneys cannot plead the fifth. Got it?
SCOTT: So, AVA, 'fess up already. YOU ARE AVA JEROME!
AVA/"DENISE": I ain't Ava.
SCOTT: Wrong answer. Try again.
AVA/"DENISE": Ava ain't me.
SCOTT: Where's a gong when you need one? Once more, Miz Jerome, with feeling.
AVA/"DENISE": FINE! I AM AVAAAAAAAA!
SCOTT: Ding ding ding!
KIKI AND MORGAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Congrats on the engagement. You know Maxie's a wedding planner.
LIZ: Thanks, but no thanks. Can't stand the bitch.
OBRECHT: Vat is going on here?
LIZ: Brad Cooper left this for you, Dr. O. Whatever the hell it is.
OBRECHT: Sank you, Nurse Vebber. You can srow it away now zat I got vat I vant from it.
LIZ: Okay, whatever.
PATRICK: Are you sure you want to tie the knot with Jake? You still don't know whether or not he was a terrorist or an axe murderer in his previous life.
LIZ: Not to worry. He sold me some Terrorist/Axe Murderer insurance, so we're good.
PATRICK: Okay. Just want to make sure you know what you're getting into.
LIZ: What about you and Sam? When are you going to put a ring on her finger?
PATRICK: Once she gets over Jason's ghost.
LIZ: I wouldn't let a pesky ghost get in the way if I were you.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Julian, I've summoned you here to 'fess up to messing with my shipment.
JULIAN: Why would I try to steal your coffee when I could get far superior product at Starbucks?
SONNY: I have a proposition.
JULIAN: We're not in Pentonville anymore, Sonny. I'm no longer your prison wife.
SONNY: If you admit you tampered with my shipment, I'll bump off the guy who ratted you out to the cops.
JULIAN: You do realize that you just admitted to setting me up, you DIRTY ROTTEN BASTARD!
SONNY: Why would I shoot my OWN guys? Maybe you really are out of the business if you've forgotten how the mob works.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
SAM: Is Dad home?
ALEXIS: Sorry. He's off tangling with Sonny. It's just you and me and a bottle of Cabernet.
SAM: So do you really think Dad's out of the mob?
ALEXIS: Yes, I do. Why? Should I NOT think he's out? Now I'm all confused.
SAM: In Vino Veritas.
ALEXIS: Okay, the Cab says he's fully legit, so we're good.
SAM: Always trust the Cab. I gotta go meet the boyfriend. Tell Dad I believe him because the wine says so.
METROCOURT
MAXIE: So, how are things with your crazy sister?
NATHAN: She's pretty looney tunes these days. She told me Silas kidnapped Avery.
MAXIE: Why would Silas snatch Ava's baby? I so don't get it.
NATHAN: Neither do I. When I asked her, she told me to go ask this woman named Heidi.
MAXIE: Who's Heidi?
NATHAN: Her catatonic nuthouse bestie.
MAXIE: Wow, and I think I'm crazy sometimes.
COURTHOUSE
AVA: Your honor, check this out. (hands the judge her phone with the picture of Nina holding the knife over Silas)
SCOTT: So a man's bleeding to death and you stop and TAKE A PICTURE? AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME? I rest my case.
RIC: I'll go get my crazy wife and haul her in.
JUDGE CHUA: Oh, good grief!
KIKI: Mom, is it really you?
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: I am so sorry, Franco. I did all zis for your own good.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Making The Peace
I'm on vaykay, so the blogs will be short or possibly absent this week. Here's a quick one for today's show:
DANTE & LULU'S
LULU: So, Dillon, have you impregnated Valerie yet? Don't look at me like that! I only want to make sure she stays the hell away from Dante. Here's an idea: Why don't you move her into the Q mansion.
DILLON: Insecure much, Lulu? Besides, I don't want to end up paying my kids 500 grand because I missed the first quarter century of their lives.
CARLY'S
VALERIE: Don't mind me. I just ditched the castle on the island to come live here until I can find a vacant hole in the wall over Kelly's.
CARLY: OMG, I totally didn't get the memo because I've been too busy finding a dress for Wedding #5 with Sonny.
MAXIE: Come on, Valerie! Let's play with jewelry. I promise not to call you a homewrecker!
JULIAN'S
OLIVIA: Julian, is it true you're out of the mob? If you are, there's something I need to tell you about our son.
JULIAN: I'm out. Just ask Alexis. She wouldn't sleep with my mobster ass, so she can assure you that my ass is 100% mob-free.
ALEXIS: If I sleep with him while he's in the mob, houses explode.
OLIVIA: Here goes. Baby Leo is...
DANTE & NATHAN: Julian Jerome, you're under arrest for mobbing!
SONNY'S
SONNY: TJ, you need to be nicer to your mama. One day you won't have a mama and you'll wish you had a mama, so go give your mama a hug.
TJ: Will do. Thanks, man!
JORDAN'S OFFICE
TJ: I'm still pissed at you for lying and getting Shawn thrown in the hoosegow, but you got your badass on for the good of all mankind, so I'm kinda proud of you for that.
JORDAN: Music to my ears, Thomas! Move back in with me.
TJ: Whoa whoa whoa, baby steps, Mom. Baby steps.
CARLY'S
MAXIE: I had a sister named Georgie. She died. Now I have a daughter named Georgie.
VALERIE: I'm so sorry about your sister. I had a mom named Patricia. She died too.
MAXIE: I'm so sorry. Now we have something in common and we can be friends and everybody can be happy.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: What did you do that forced you to marry so you don't have to testify against each other?
BRAD: If we tell you, someone will have to kill you. Can you forgive me anyway?
LUCAS: I guess so.
DANTE & LULU'S
LULU: So, Dillon, have you impregnated Valerie yet? Don't look at me like that! I only want to make sure she stays the hell away from Dante. Here's an idea: Why don't you move her into the Q mansion.
DILLON: Insecure much, Lulu? Besides, I don't want to end up paying my kids 500 grand because I missed the first quarter century of their lives.
CARLY'S
VALERIE: Don't mind me. I just ditched the castle on the island to come live here until I can find a vacant hole in the wall over Kelly's.
CARLY: OMG, I totally didn't get the memo because I've been too busy finding a dress for Wedding #5 with Sonny.
MAXIE: Come on, Valerie! Let's play with jewelry. I promise not to call you a homewrecker!
JULIAN'S
OLIVIA: Julian, is it true you're out of the mob? If you are, there's something I need to tell you about our son.
JULIAN: I'm out. Just ask Alexis. She wouldn't sleep with my mobster ass, so she can assure you that my ass is 100% mob-free.
ALEXIS: If I sleep with him while he's in the mob, houses explode.
OLIVIA: Here goes. Baby Leo is...
DANTE & NATHAN: Julian Jerome, you're under arrest for mobbing!
SONNY'S
SONNY: TJ, you need to be nicer to your mama. One day you won't have a mama and you'll wish you had a mama, so go give your mama a hug.
TJ: Will do. Thanks, man!
JORDAN'S OFFICE
TJ: I'm still pissed at you for lying and getting Shawn thrown in the hoosegow, but you got your badass on for the good of all mankind, so I'm kinda proud of you for that.
JORDAN: Music to my ears, Thomas! Move back in with me.
TJ: Whoa whoa whoa, baby steps, Mom. Baby steps.
CARLY'S
MAXIE: I had a sister named Georgie. She died. Now I have a daughter named Georgie.
VALERIE: I'm so sorry about your sister. I had a mom named Patricia. She died too.
MAXIE: I'm so sorry. Now we have something in common and we can be friends and everybody can be happy.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: What did you do that forced you to marry so you don't have to testify against each other?
BRAD: If we tell you, someone will have to kill you. Can you forgive me anyway?
LUCAS: I guess so.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Uncle Leo
This is not a Seinfeld reference, though Uncle Leo was a very memorable character from that show. This Uncle Leo is only 3 months old. And already an uncle to nearly 2 year-old talking Rocco! Yes, Rocco talks now and he's adorable. As for the tiny Uncle Leonardo Falconeri, Olivia is on the fence about bringing him back to the Chuckles. She asks Dante if Julian has really quit the mob, then shows up at Julian's to ask him the same question.
Sonny assures Jordan that the two of them are on the same side as far as TJ is concerned as well as bringing the goons that tampered with his "shipment" to justice. Hayden has a flash of memory of her time at Wyndemere. Brad and Rosalie explain their marriage situation to Lucas. Liz tells Nikolas that Jake and Sam are investigating him. Julian gets emotional thinking about his "dead" son.
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
DANTE: Ma! Great to see you! How's my kid bro?
OLIVIA: Your baby brother is doing great, hon. One of these days, Rocco is going to meet his Uncle Leo.
LULU: (holding Rocco) Uncle Leo! I remember him from Seinfeld. Didn't he steal a book from the library?
OLIVIA: Not THAT Uncle Leo. I'm talking about my baby, Leonardo Falconeri. You know, like DiCaprio and DiVinci.
DANTE: Where is he, by the way?
OLIVIA: He's in Bensonhurst. I came back to make sure Julian was out of the mob. Is he?
DANTE: Maybe, maybe not. Tough to tell. Sonny's shipment got hit recently by two no-necks that used to work with Jerome.
OLIVIA: I don't want to bring Leo back if he won't be safe from mobbery.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
JULIAN: Unbelievable! Lucas can't marry Brad because Brad is already married! Now my son's all heartbroken. At least this son is still alive. My other son would have been 3 months old today.
ALEXIS: I'm so sorry, Julian.
JULIAN: I kept my trap shut about the baby these past few months because I didn't want to be a burden to you. I left the mob because my baby died. You can be 100% sure I am mob-free.
ALEXIS: Good to know, because those headlines had me worried.
JULIAN: This time, I'm out for realsies. I'm officially an EX-mobster, Alexis.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: Color me befused and confuddled! Rosalie, if you and Brad are married, why were you trying to pick me up?
ROSALIE: Because I'm straight and you're hot. Besides, I didn't even know Brad worked here. Last I saw him, we were in Miami.
BRAD: We became besties there and I was afraid to come out to my parents, so we tied the knot.
LUCAS: And you didn't tell me about this before you did that Bruno Mars proposal to me at the Nurses' Ball because...
BRAD: It would have been SUPER AWKWARD to tell you I was already married 2 seconds after I popped the musical question?
LUCAS: Hey, Rosalie, what was in this for you?
ROSALIE: I'm such a good friend, I did it for Brad.
LUCAS: And I'm secretly straight. Come on, you two! Why can't you guys just get a divorce?
BRAD: Um...because we're in some ginormous trouble and we have to stay married to avoid testifying against each other in court.
LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: (over phone) Heads up, Nikolas: Michael hired Jake and Sam to investigate you. They're on to you and Hayden and they think you know who Jake really is.
NIKOLAS: I'll take care of that.
LIZ: By "take care of" do you mean Le Grand Mort?
NIKOLAS: The less you know, the better. Gotta go!
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Nikolas, I remember smashing that priceless vase to pieces.
NIKOLAS: (to himself) Note to self, consult Grandmother on proper poisoning technique. (to Hayden) It was just a vase. It's not like we don't have another one just like it.
HAYDEN: Another woman was here. She hated my guts and I hated hers. Who was she?
NIKOLAS: Just an old ex of mine.
HAYDEN: Whatever she said made me SUPER PISSED. Pissed enough to destroy a bazillion-year-old family heirloom.
SONNY'S HOUSE
JORDAN: Should I arrest you here or at the station?
SONNY: What did I do now? Steal Baldwin's Happy Hedgehog hair gel?
JORDAN: You know something about those men who "hit" your "shipment" don't you? Or did you off Goon #1 yourself?
SONNY: Those ain't my goons, Commish. Ask Julian.
JORDAN: Been there, done that. Besides, Julian isn't indoctrinating MY SON in the ways of the underworld.
SONNY: I am doing no such thing. Carly and I know what it's like to be disowned by a young, angry, self-righteous son. We uploaded a playlist of nothing but "Let It Go" onto his iTunes account.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Confession time: I told Nikolas that you and Sam were investigating him.
JAKE: Aw shucks! He would have probably figured that out himself.
LIZ: You mean you're not pissed off at me for running my mouth to your nemesis?
JAKE: Nah! Nothing you can do could piss me off. I'm in LURVE with you and want you to become Mrs. Jake Doe. How does Uhlizabeth Doe sound to you?
LIZ: Better than Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, or Ti!
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: Gag me!
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
LULU: OMG, Rocco is SO SMART now!
ROCCO: (pointing at pictures in a book) Elephant! Cow! Zebra!
DANTE: What do ya know? The kid can talk now! Next thing you know, he'll be able to tell me the batting averages of entire Yankees starting lineup.
LULU: Including his own, right Rocco? Now who is this (points to picture of baby)
ROCCO: Uncle Baby! I mean Uncle Leo.
DANTE: Should we fill in his Mensa application before dinner or after?
Sonny assures Jordan that the two of them are on the same side as far as TJ is concerned as well as bringing the goons that tampered with his "shipment" to justice. Hayden has a flash of memory of her time at Wyndemere. Brad and Rosalie explain their marriage situation to Lucas. Liz tells Nikolas that Jake and Sam are investigating him. Julian gets emotional thinking about his "dead" son.
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
DANTE: Ma! Great to see you! How's my kid bro?
OLIVIA: Your baby brother is doing great, hon. One of these days, Rocco is going to meet his Uncle Leo.
LULU: (holding Rocco) Uncle Leo! I remember him from Seinfeld. Didn't he steal a book from the library?
OLIVIA: Not THAT Uncle Leo. I'm talking about my baby, Leonardo Falconeri. You know, like DiCaprio and DiVinci.
DANTE: Where is he, by the way?
OLIVIA: He's in Bensonhurst. I came back to make sure Julian was out of the mob. Is he?
DANTE: Maybe, maybe not. Tough to tell. Sonny's shipment got hit recently by two no-necks that used to work with Jerome.
OLIVIA: I don't want to bring Leo back if he won't be safe from mobbery.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
JULIAN: Unbelievable! Lucas can't marry Brad because Brad is already married! Now my son's all heartbroken. At least this son is still alive. My other son would have been 3 months old today.
ALEXIS: I'm so sorry, Julian.
JULIAN: I kept my trap shut about the baby these past few months because I didn't want to be a burden to you. I left the mob because my baby died. You can be 100% sure I am mob-free.
ALEXIS: Good to know, because those headlines had me worried.
JULIAN: This time, I'm out for realsies. I'm officially an EX-mobster, Alexis.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: Color me befused and confuddled! Rosalie, if you and Brad are married, why were you trying to pick me up?
ROSALIE: Because I'm straight and you're hot. Besides, I didn't even know Brad worked here. Last I saw him, we were in Miami.
BRAD: We became besties there and I was afraid to come out to my parents, so we tied the knot.
LUCAS: And you didn't tell me about this before you did that Bruno Mars proposal to me at the Nurses' Ball because...
BRAD: It would have been SUPER AWKWARD to tell you I was already married 2 seconds after I popped the musical question?
LUCAS: Hey, Rosalie, what was in this for you?
ROSALIE: I'm such a good friend, I did it for Brad.
LUCAS: And I'm secretly straight. Come on, you two! Why can't you guys just get a divorce?
BRAD: Um...because we're in some ginormous trouble and we have to stay married to avoid testifying against each other in court.
LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: (over phone) Heads up, Nikolas: Michael hired Jake and Sam to investigate you. They're on to you and Hayden and they think you know who Jake really is.
NIKOLAS: I'll take care of that.
LIZ: By "take care of" do you mean Le Grand Mort?
NIKOLAS: The less you know, the better. Gotta go!
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Nikolas, I remember smashing that priceless vase to pieces.
NIKOLAS: (to himself) Note to self, consult Grandmother on proper poisoning technique. (to Hayden) It was just a vase. It's not like we don't have another one just like it.
HAYDEN: Another woman was here. She hated my guts and I hated hers. Who was she?
NIKOLAS: Just an old ex of mine.
HAYDEN: Whatever she said made me SUPER PISSED. Pissed enough to destroy a bazillion-year-old family heirloom.
SONNY'S HOUSE
JORDAN: Should I arrest you here or at the station?
SONNY: What did I do now? Steal Baldwin's Happy Hedgehog hair gel?
JORDAN: You know something about those men who "hit" your "shipment" don't you? Or did you off Goon #1 yourself?
SONNY: Those ain't my goons, Commish. Ask Julian.
JORDAN: Been there, done that. Besides, Julian isn't indoctrinating MY SON in the ways of the underworld.
SONNY: I am doing no such thing. Carly and I know what it's like to be disowned by a young, angry, self-righteous son. We uploaded a playlist of nothing but "Let It Go" onto his iTunes account.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Confession time: I told Nikolas that you and Sam were investigating him.
JAKE: Aw shucks! He would have probably figured that out himself.
LIZ: You mean you're not pissed off at me for running my mouth to your nemesis?
JAKE: Nah! Nothing you can do could piss me off. I'm in LURVE with you and want you to become Mrs. Jake Doe. How does Uhlizabeth Doe sound to you?
LIZ: Better than Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, or Ti!
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: Gag me!
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
LULU: OMG, Rocco is SO SMART now!
ROCCO: (pointing at pictures in a book) Elephant! Cow! Zebra!
DANTE: What do ya know? The kid can talk now! Next thing you know, he'll be able to tell me the batting averages of entire Yankees starting lineup.
LULU: Including his own, right Rocco? Now who is this (points to picture of baby)
ROCCO: Uncle Baby! I mean Uncle Leo.
DANTE: Should we fill in his Mensa application before dinner or after?
Friday, August 14, 2015
Brad's Secret Wife...
...is Rosalie! That came out of left field! If being secretly married to Brad was Rosalie's BIG HUGE DIRTY LITTLE SECRET that everyone from Nina to Nikolas to Helena held over her head, then color me underwhelmed.
Danny meets Li'l Jake for the first time and the two boys play with --what else?-- toy motorcycles. Jake tells Carly about proposing to Liz. Upon hearing that Hayden's coming back to live at Wyndemere, Valerie packs her bags and moves out. Lulu tells Dante about working with Dillon. Nathan keeps his promise to Dante when Maxie brings up her apology to Valerie. Hayden is released from the hospital.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LI'L JAKE: Hi Danny. I guess you're my little brother. I have another little brother too, and a big brother. And two dads. Dad Lucky is fighting the bad guys in his head and Dad Jason died. I only have one mom, though. My family is really complicated.
DANNY: Wanna play with my little motorcycle?
LI'L JAKE: COOL! I love motorcycles.
DANNY: Me too!
SAM: Aren't they cute? They are definitely Jason's boys. I miss Jason so much! I wish he was alive to see his boys playing motorcycles together. He would be so proud.
LIZ: Yeah, he would be.
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: Well DUH! Of COURSE he would be if he KNEW HE WAS JASON!
SONNY'S HOUSE
JAKE: Check this out (shows Carly the engagement ring he got for Liz)
CARLY: It's beautiful, but I'm spoken for. I'm marrying Sonny. Again. For the fifth time.
JAKE: It's not for YOU, it's for Uhlizabeth.
CARLY: You still don't know who you are. Should you be getting engaged when you could already be married? Case in point: My brother Lucas. He just found out his fiance is married and it broke his heart.
JAKE: Yeah, well I may never know who I was before I became a speed bump for an SUV, so there's no point in waiting anymore. I love Uhlizabeth and she loves me. Besides, I already proposed and she said yes. I was kinda expecting a little more excitement from my best friend.
CARLY: We're besties? Like for real? Then, CONGRATULATIONS! You picked an awesome best fr--I mean fiancee.
SONNY: Am I interruptin' somethin' here?
CARLY: I was just congratulating my friend on getting engaged to Elizabeth.
JAKE: I gotta go. Got a ring to present.
SONNY: Still hanging out with Danger Boy?
CARLY: Jake is my FRIEND. My BEST FRIEND.
SONNY: Well, just be careful that bestie doesn't get you shot or blown up.
CARLY: I'm marrying a mobster. I know a thing or two about dodging stray bullets.
DANTE AND LULU'S APARTMENT
LULU: I'm going into business with Dillon.
DANTE: That's totally cool with me. I trust you, Lulu, just like you trust me working with Valerie.
LULU: Yay for mutual trust! But I'm still worried about you doing dangerous cop stuff.
DANTE: What cop's wife doesn't?
LULU: Can you at least give me some peace of mind and wrap yourself in bubble wrap?
WYNDEMERE
DILLON: So what made you decide to pack up and leave Castle Greyskull? Wi-fi hard to come by in your remote wing?
VALERIE: Two words: Hayden Barnes. Nikolas is moving her back into Wyndemere and, if it's anything like last time, I couldn't walk two feet without hearing them engaging in The Little French Death somewhere in this castle. Besides, I have a job and I can pay for my own place.
DILLON: Fair point. This place may be creepy, but damn, it would make a killer movie set. If I hadn't already booked the Haunted Star...
VALERIE: You're shooting your movie on the Haunted Star? With Lulu?
DILLON: She's not going to be in it, but yeah, she agreed to let me shoot there. So, what do you think of being my leading lady? Off-screen that is (kisses Valerie)
NIKOLAS: Welcome home, Hayden. This is Valerie. She lives here too.
DILLON: Not anymore. In case you didn't notice the packed bags, Valerie's moving out.
NIKOLAS: I can fix the Wi-Fi, you know.
VALERIE: Thanks for putting me up, Nikolas, but the commute is kind of a killer when you have to take a boat to work.
DILLON: That and you're a thief who spits on my cousin Emily's memory.
HAYDEN: (to herself) OMG, I just remembered something! I smashed a priceless Russian vase in this room.
HOSPITAL
BRAD: Just hear me out, Lucas. It was a marriage of convenience. There was no love whatsoever. We didn't even have sex.
LUCAS: Who is he?
BRAD: Who said it was a he? I have a WIFE!
ROSALIE: Can someone explain this deductible thing to--OMG, Brad?
BRAD: And here she is.
LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: Let me try this again, Uhlizabeth. (kneels with ring) Will you marry me?
LIZ: Who did you rob to pay for THAT ring?
JAKE: I'm working for the Quartermaines, Uhlizabeth. I don't have to rob anyone to pay for a lovely ring for my beautiful fiancee.
LIZ: Of course I'll marry you.
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: Girlfriend, you'd better be ready when it all hits the fan 'cuz it's gonna go FLYIN' right into your face.
DANTE AND LULU'S APARTMENT
OLIVIA: Mama's home! Make room for cannolis!
Danny meets Li'l Jake for the first time and the two boys play with --what else?-- toy motorcycles. Jake tells Carly about proposing to Liz. Upon hearing that Hayden's coming back to live at Wyndemere, Valerie packs her bags and moves out. Lulu tells Dante about working with Dillon. Nathan keeps his promise to Dante when Maxie brings up her apology to Valerie. Hayden is released from the hospital.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LI'L JAKE: Hi Danny. I guess you're my little brother. I have another little brother too, and a big brother. And two dads. Dad Lucky is fighting the bad guys in his head and Dad Jason died. I only have one mom, though. My family is really complicated.
DANNY: Wanna play with my little motorcycle?
LI'L JAKE: COOL! I love motorcycles.
DANNY: Me too!
SAM: Aren't they cute? They are definitely Jason's boys. I miss Jason so much! I wish he was alive to see his boys playing motorcycles together. He would be so proud.
LIZ: Yeah, he would be.
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: Well DUH! Of COURSE he would be if he KNEW HE WAS JASON!
SONNY'S HOUSE
JAKE: Check this out (shows Carly the engagement ring he got for Liz)
CARLY: It's beautiful, but I'm spoken for. I'm marrying Sonny. Again. For the fifth time.
JAKE: It's not for YOU, it's for Uhlizabeth.
CARLY: You still don't know who you are. Should you be getting engaged when you could already be married? Case in point: My brother Lucas. He just found out his fiance is married and it broke his heart.
JAKE: Yeah, well I may never know who I was before I became a speed bump for an SUV, so there's no point in waiting anymore. I love Uhlizabeth and she loves me. Besides, I already proposed and she said yes. I was kinda expecting a little more excitement from my best friend.
CARLY: We're besties? Like for real? Then, CONGRATULATIONS! You picked an awesome best fr--I mean fiancee.
SONNY: Am I interruptin' somethin' here?
CARLY: I was just congratulating my friend on getting engaged to Elizabeth.
JAKE: I gotta go. Got a ring to present.
SONNY: Still hanging out with Danger Boy?
CARLY: Jake is my FRIEND. My BEST FRIEND.
SONNY: Well, just be careful that bestie doesn't get you shot or blown up.
CARLY: I'm marrying a mobster. I know a thing or two about dodging stray bullets.
DANTE AND LULU'S APARTMENT
LULU: I'm going into business with Dillon.
DANTE: That's totally cool with me. I trust you, Lulu, just like you trust me working with Valerie.
LULU: Yay for mutual trust! But I'm still worried about you doing dangerous cop stuff.
DANTE: What cop's wife doesn't?
LULU: Can you at least give me some peace of mind and wrap yourself in bubble wrap?
WYNDEMERE
DILLON: So what made you decide to pack up and leave Castle Greyskull? Wi-fi hard to come by in your remote wing?
VALERIE: Two words: Hayden Barnes. Nikolas is moving her back into Wyndemere and, if it's anything like last time, I couldn't walk two feet without hearing them engaging in The Little French Death somewhere in this castle. Besides, I have a job and I can pay for my own place.
DILLON: Fair point. This place may be creepy, but damn, it would make a killer movie set. If I hadn't already booked the Haunted Star...
VALERIE: You're shooting your movie on the Haunted Star? With Lulu?
DILLON: She's not going to be in it, but yeah, she agreed to let me shoot there. So, what do you think of being my leading lady? Off-screen that is (kisses Valerie)
NIKOLAS: Welcome home, Hayden. This is Valerie. She lives here too.
DILLON: Not anymore. In case you didn't notice the packed bags, Valerie's moving out.
NIKOLAS: I can fix the Wi-Fi, you know.
VALERIE: Thanks for putting me up, Nikolas, but the commute is kind of a killer when you have to take a boat to work.
DILLON: That and you're a thief who spits on my cousin Emily's memory.
HAYDEN: (to herself) OMG, I just remembered something! I smashed a priceless Russian vase in this room.
HOSPITAL
BRAD: Just hear me out, Lucas. It was a marriage of convenience. There was no love whatsoever. We didn't even have sex.
LUCAS: Who is he?
BRAD: Who said it was a he? I have a WIFE!
ROSALIE: Can someone explain this deductible thing to--OMG, Brad?
BRAD: And here she is.
LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: Let me try this again, Uhlizabeth. (kneels with ring) Will you marry me?
LIZ: Who did you rob to pay for THAT ring?
JAKE: I'm working for the Quartermaines, Uhlizabeth. I don't have to rob anyone to pay for a lovely ring for my beautiful fiancee.
LIZ: Of course I'll marry you.
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: Girlfriend, you'd better be ready when it all hits the fan 'cuz it's gonna go FLYIN' right into your face.
DANTE AND LULU'S APARTMENT
OLIVIA: Mama's home! Make room for cannolis!
Thursday, August 13, 2015
You DO Have A Motive!
Offscreen, Mrs. Shipley endears herself to her new boss, Ric, by whispering in his ear that Franco had a "heated, murderous argument" with Silas on the day the doc bit the dust. Scott suspects Franco is covering for Nina. Maxie apologizes to Valerie, but that doesn't mean she has let her guard down about Lulu's cuz. Dante and Nathan are unable to get answers out of one of the men accused with "shipment tampering" before the guy dies of his gunshot wound. Jordan isn't buying Julian's innocence. Carly empathizes with Jordan's estrangement from her son. Nina confronts Ava and threatens to expose her. Dillon has a business proposition for Lulu.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
FRANCO: You'd better watch out, Pops. Dr. Obrecht diagnosed me with a highly contagious fish odor disease. And leprosy.
SCOTT: You have to tell me this the day my HAZMAT suit is at the cleaner's! Anyway, I've got some bad news. Mrs. Shipley says you were having a heated and MURDEROUS argument with Silas Clay the day he was offed. Is this true?
FRANCO: Define "murderous argument".
SCOTT: Those were her words, not mine. What were you arguing with Silas about?
FRANCO: Well, things escalated a bit when we got into a debate about tomatoes being a fruit or a vegetable, but nothing to knife a guy in the back over.
SCOTT: Are you sure? Mrs. Shipley heard the name Nina.
FRANCO: So we had a disagreement about what color her hair was once we got tired of arguing about whether the chicken or the egg came first. Big deal!
SCOTT: I think you're covering for someone and that someone is your once and future girlfriend.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
NINA: I know who you are. You're no Denise DiMuccio. You're Ava Jerome.
AVA/"DENISE": I don't know what yoah tawkin' about. Of coahse I'm Denise DiMuccio. Shouldn't you be in da funny farm oah sumthin?
NINA: Eighty-six the accent Ava. Franco filled me in. I know who you are. I. KNOW. WHO. YOU. ARE. You're Ava and you murdered the man who saved your life. You're going DOWN! DOWN, Ava, DOWN!
AVA: Not so fast, NI-NA! If you turn me in, I'll turn you in. Cell phone cameras are something else, aren't they?
NINA: Gimme that! GIM-ME THAT! (Lunges at Ava and the phone falls to the floor). POOF! The picture's gone! I deleted it. Maybe I should use this here phone to call the cops to update the Ava Jerome Body Count. It's at two now right? Silas Clay and that girlfriend of Sonny's.
AVA: Nice try, but you're no match for THE CLOUD. The internet is forever, Nina.
NINA: Oh, so there's a CLOUD full of pictures in the sky? Come on, Ava! I may have been a coma for two decades, but I wasn't born yesterday. You show that picture to the cops and I'll tell them who you really are behind that wig and phony accent.
JORDAN'S OFFICE
JULIAN: Look, Commish, those guys don't work for me anymore and didn't leave me a forwarding address.
JORDAN: Why am I not convinced that your hands are clean?
ALEXIS: Oh, for crying out loud, Commissioner, what does my client have to do to prove he's not in the business anymore?
JORDAN: He can start by telling me whatever it is he's trying to hide. You don't just "retire" from the mob, Julian. It doesn't work like that.
JULIAN: It does if you're the boss. See you, Commish. Wouldn't wanna be you.
MOTEL ROOM
DANTE & NATHAN: PCPD! OPEN UP!
INJURED MOBSTER: AAAAGGGUUUUHHH
DANTE: Who shot you? Was it Julian? Was it Sonny? You gotta help me here!
NATHAN: Too late. He's toast.
DANTE: CRAP!
PCPD
MAXIE: So, Valerie, I'm sorry for calling you a homewrecking bitch at the MetroCourt. I'm known for being a little, let's call it melodramatic.
VALERIE: I'll say. Lulu's lucky to have you as her guard dog.
MAXIE: Did you just call me a dog? Am I going to have to unapologize?
VALERIE: Overreact much? I meant to say Lulu's lucky that you have her back, but you could dial it down a few notches. (Sees Dante with blood on his shirt) OMG!!!! DANTE!!!!! HAVE YOU BEEN SHOT? ARE YOU DYING? PLEASE DON'T DIE, DANTE!!!!
DANTE: Relax, it's not my blood.
MAXIE: Overreact much?
VALERIE: Touche.
SONNY AND CARLY'S HOUSE
CARLY: I kinda feel sorry for Jordan since TJ hates her and all. I remember when Michael hated me. Thank God that's over with. Still, Jordan's totes annoying.
SONNY: Can't argue with you there. Let's have sex.
CARLY: Not right now. I have to buy a wedding dress.
SONNY: ANOTHER ONE? We're recycling our wedding vows, so how about being green and recycling one of the dresses from the first four times we got hitched?
CARLY: Since when did you care about sustainability, Sonny? Besides, those dresses are full of bad juju because those marriages didn't last.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: So, Lulu, wanna go into the movie biz with me? You can play Marjorie.
LULU: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
DILLON: Relax! I was kidding about being IN the movie. At least about you acting in it. This boat, however, is another story. I want to shoot my movie here, on the Haunted Star.
LULU: Are you sure? This boat has a Cassadine curse on it. It was almost blown up by my dad when Crazy Evil Grandpa was occupying his body.
DILLON: All the more reason it would make a great movie location. Curses. Explosions. Think of all the symbolism, Lulu! Will you do it?
LULU: When you put it that way, what the hell? Let's do it!
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
FRANCO: You'd better watch out, Pops. Dr. Obrecht diagnosed me with a highly contagious fish odor disease. And leprosy.
SCOTT: You have to tell me this the day my HAZMAT suit is at the cleaner's! Anyway, I've got some bad news. Mrs. Shipley says you were having a heated and MURDEROUS argument with Silas Clay the day he was offed. Is this true?
FRANCO: Define "murderous argument".
SCOTT: Those were her words, not mine. What were you arguing with Silas about?
FRANCO: Well, things escalated a bit when we got into a debate about tomatoes being a fruit or a vegetable, but nothing to knife a guy in the back over.
SCOTT: Are you sure? Mrs. Shipley heard the name Nina.
FRANCO: So we had a disagreement about what color her hair was once we got tired of arguing about whether the chicken or the egg came first. Big deal!
SCOTT: I think you're covering for someone and that someone is your once and future girlfriend.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
NINA: I know who you are. You're no Denise DiMuccio. You're Ava Jerome.
AVA/"DENISE": I don't know what yoah tawkin' about. Of coahse I'm Denise DiMuccio. Shouldn't you be in da funny farm oah sumthin?
NINA: Eighty-six the accent Ava. Franco filled me in. I know who you are. I. KNOW. WHO. YOU. ARE. You're Ava and you murdered the man who saved your life. You're going DOWN! DOWN, Ava, DOWN!
AVA: Not so fast, NI-NA! If you turn me in, I'll turn you in. Cell phone cameras are something else, aren't they?
NINA: Gimme that! GIM-ME THAT! (Lunges at Ava and the phone falls to the floor). POOF! The picture's gone! I deleted it. Maybe I should use this here phone to call the cops to update the Ava Jerome Body Count. It's at two now right? Silas Clay and that girlfriend of Sonny's.
AVA: Nice try, but you're no match for THE CLOUD. The internet is forever, Nina.
NINA: Oh, so there's a CLOUD full of pictures in the sky? Come on, Ava! I may have been a coma for two decades, but I wasn't born yesterday. You show that picture to the cops and I'll tell them who you really are behind that wig and phony accent.
JORDAN'S OFFICE
JULIAN: Look, Commish, those guys don't work for me anymore and didn't leave me a forwarding address.
JORDAN: Why am I not convinced that your hands are clean?
ALEXIS: Oh, for crying out loud, Commissioner, what does my client have to do to prove he's not in the business anymore?
JORDAN: He can start by telling me whatever it is he's trying to hide. You don't just "retire" from the mob, Julian. It doesn't work like that.
JULIAN: It does if you're the boss. See you, Commish. Wouldn't wanna be you.
MOTEL ROOM
DANTE & NATHAN: PCPD! OPEN UP!
INJURED MOBSTER: AAAAGGGUUUUHHH
DANTE: Who shot you? Was it Julian? Was it Sonny? You gotta help me here!
NATHAN: Too late. He's toast.
DANTE: CRAP!
PCPD
MAXIE: So, Valerie, I'm sorry for calling you a homewrecking bitch at the MetroCourt. I'm known for being a little, let's call it melodramatic.
VALERIE: I'll say. Lulu's lucky to have you as her guard dog.
MAXIE: Did you just call me a dog? Am I going to have to unapologize?
VALERIE: Overreact much? I meant to say Lulu's lucky that you have her back, but you could dial it down a few notches. (Sees Dante with blood on his shirt) OMG!!!! DANTE!!!!! HAVE YOU BEEN SHOT? ARE YOU DYING? PLEASE DON'T DIE, DANTE!!!!
DANTE: Relax, it's not my blood.
MAXIE: Overreact much?
VALERIE: Touche.
SONNY AND CARLY'S HOUSE
CARLY: I kinda feel sorry for Jordan since TJ hates her and all. I remember when Michael hated me. Thank God that's over with. Still, Jordan's totes annoying.
SONNY: Can't argue with you there. Let's have sex.
CARLY: Not right now. I have to buy a wedding dress.
SONNY: ANOTHER ONE? We're recycling our wedding vows, so how about being green and recycling one of the dresses from the first four times we got hitched?
CARLY: Since when did you care about sustainability, Sonny? Besides, those dresses are full of bad juju because those marriages didn't last.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: So, Lulu, wanna go into the movie biz with me? You can play Marjorie.
LULU: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
DILLON: Relax! I was kidding about being IN the movie. At least about you acting in it. This boat, however, is another story. I want to shoot my movie here, on the Haunted Star.
LULU: Are you sure? This boat has a Cassadine curse on it. It was almost blown up by my dad when Crazy Evil Grandpa was occupying his body.
DILLON: All the more reason it would make a great movie location. Curses. Explosions. Think of all the symbolism, Lulu! Will you do it?
LULU: When you put it that way, what the hell? Let's do it!
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Fish Odor Syndrome
Good one, Dr. O! Liesl scares the cop off by telling him Franco has Trimethylaminuria, or "Fish Odor Syndrome" which cracked me up because that was a diagnosis for a very unfortunate patient on the British series Doc Martin. Meanwhile, Nina plays checkers and hashes out her Franco-Liesl dilemma with a catatonic patient at Shadybrook. Ghost Silas taunts Ava in a way that rivals Ghost Carrrrrrrrlos taunting Anna. And he breaks out into song, but not on the actual show. Only here, on General Hilarity do ghosts sing.
Morgan tries to comfort Kiki before the memorial. Jordan crashes a bonding session between TJ, Sonny, & Carly and Sonny gives her information on who he thinks hijacked his "shipment". Scott learns that Ric has taken his place as D.A. Alexis accompanies Julian when Jordan calls him in for questioning.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
FRANCO: (over phone) Yeah, so I know who killed Silas. It was Ava Jerome.
NINA: Ava killed Silas? Why would Ava kill Silas?
FRANCO: Because she and Morgan Corinthos were going at it like two very horny bunny rabbits.
NINA: That SKANKETY SKANK SKANK! Listen, fellow crazy people at Shadybrook! Ava Jerome is a SKANKY MC SKANKFACE! So, Franco, did you turn her SKANKY ass in?
FRANCO: Not exactly.
NINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAT? But you know she did it and she can get both of us off the hook.
FRANCO: You see, here's the thing. Ava has a picture of you holding the knife over Silas's dead body. That could be a problem. But I've got your Auntie Liesl on it, so don't fret my lovely, innocent Nina who I believe in one thousand percent.
NINA: Auntie Liesl hates me.
FRANCO: But she LOVES me, so she wouldn't do anything to screw ME over now, would she.
OUTSIDE CHAPEL
KIKI: Why did Franco kill my dad? I still can't figure it out.
MORGAN: Hello? Because. He's. Franco. Case closed.
KIKI: He had no motive, Morgan.
MORGAN: Since when does a serial killer need a motive?
KIKI: I want to know exactly what happened and WHY my dad was murdered. I need ANSWERS, Morgan. He was about to tell me something before someone, possibly Franco, BRUTALLY STABBED HIM IN THE BACK AND WATCHED THE LIFE DRAIN OUT OF HIM!
MORGAN: Yeah, maybe he wanted one of those "My Daughter Partied In The Hamptons But All I Got Was This T-Shirt" souvenirs.
KIKI: I'm glad you find my dad's murder so hilarious.
INSIDE CHAPEL
AVA: Oh, Silas. Poor Silas.
GHOST SILAS: Cut the crapola, Ava. If ever I was sorry I saved someone's life...
AVA: But Silas, I LOVED you!
GHOST SILAS: PFFFFFFFFFFT! What says "I love you" like banging your daughter's horndog boyfriend. Congratulations, Mother of the Year!
AVA: I love Kiki and nothing you can say will change that!
GHOST SILAS: You love her so much you're pretending to be her aunt and sexing up her boyfriend. I was going to sing this little ditty I wrote on my way to the Pearly Gates to Morgan but I think I'll sing it to you instead:
Morgan tries to comfort Kiki before the memorial. Jordan crashes a bonding session between TJ, Sonny, & Carly and Sonny gives her information on who he thinks hijacked his "shipment". Scott learns that Ric has taken his place as D.A. Alexis accompanies Julian when Jordan calls him in for questioning.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
FRANCO: (over phone) Yeah, so I know who killed Silas. It was Ava Jerome.
NINA: Ava killed Silas? Why would Ava kill Silas?
FRANCO: Because she and Morgan Corinthos were going at it like two very horny bunny rabbits.
NINA: That SKANKETY SKANK SKANK! Listen, fellow crazy people at Shadybrook! Ava Jerome is a SKANKY MC SKANKFACE! So, Franco, did you turn her SKANKY ass in?
FRANCO: Not exactly.
NINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAT? But you know she did it and she can get both of us off the hook.
FRANCO: You see, here's the thing. Ava has a picture of you holding the knife over Silas's dead body. That could be a problem. But I've got your Auntie Liesl on it, so don't fret my lovely, innocent Nina who I believe in one thousand percent.
NINA: Auntie Liesl hates me.
FRANCO: But she LOVES me, so she wouldn't do anything to screw ME over now, would she.
OUTSIDE CHAPEL
KIKI: Why did Franco kill my dad? I still can't figure it out.
MORGAN: Hello? Because. He's. Franco. Case closed.
KIKI: He had no motive, Morgan.
MORGAN: Since when does a serial killer need a motive?
KIKI: I want to know exactly what happened and WHY my dad was murdered. I need ANSWERS, Morgan. He was about to tell me something before someone, possibly Franco, BRUTALLY STABBED HIM IN THE BACK AND WATCHED THE LIFE DRAIN OUT OF HIM!
MORGAN: Yeah, maybe he wanted one of those "My Daughter Partied In The Hamptons But All I Got Was This T-Shirt" souvenirs.
KIKI: I'm glad you find my dad's murder so hilarious.
INSIDE CHAPEL
AVA: Oh, Silas. Poor Silas.
GHOST SILAS: Cut the crapola, Ava. If ever I was sorry I saved someone's life...
AVA: But Silas, I LOVED you!
GHOST SILAS: PFFFFFFFFFFT! What says "I love you" like banging your daughter's horndog boyfriend. Congratulations, Mother of the Year!
AVA: I love Kiki and nothing you can say will change that!
GHOST SILAS: You love her so much you're pretending to be her aunt and sexing up her boyfriend. I was going to sing this little ditty I wrote on my way to the Pearly Gates to Morgan but I think I'll sing it to you instead:
You ain't nothin' but a horn dog
Lyin' all the time!
You ain't nothin' but a horn dog
Lyin' all the time
You ain't nothin' but a coward and you ain't no friend of mine.
You screwed over Kiki
By sleepin' with her man.
You screwed over Kiki
By sleepin' with her man.
You're the world's worst mother and you ain't much as an aunt.
SONNY AND CARLY'S HOUSE
TJ: Hey, congrats on getting married for the 10,000th time. I admire your determination.
SONNY: Thanks, TJ. You're comin' to the wedding, by the way.
TJ: You sure I won't be in the way?
CARLY: You're family and you're the kind that doesn't murder people and then going around not denying you murdered them.
JORDAN: Over my dead body!
TJ: Nice choice of words, MOM!
SONNY: I have a little something for you, Commish.
JORDAN: I have to say I'm a little disappointed. I was hoping for your head on a silver platter.
SONNY: Why have one head when you can have two? These are the thugs who messed with my shipment.
JORDAN: Ah, yes. Your "shipment". So should I charge these so-called thugs with coffee tampering?
SONNY: Follow the trail straight to Julian Jerome. You want someone's head on a platter, you've got it.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
ALEXIS: What to we have here? A gift basket courtesy of the father of one of my children. Perfect! I could use some croissants and coffee and since you don't do carbs, I'll just help myself.
JULIAN: What's Sonny doing sending me gift baskets. He's not my prison wife anymore.
ALEXIS: He knows I can't resist the dark roasted.
JULIAN: Yeah, that's it.
ALEXIS: Looks like some Russian mobster bit the dust. Does Serge ring a bell to you?
JULIAN: Back when I was a mobster, I did some business with him.
ALEXIS: Nice to hear you referring to your mobster days in the past tense. It makes sleeping with you that much easier.
RIC'S OFFICE
LIESL OBRECHT: I must see ze D.A. RIGHT NOW!
MRS. SHIPLEY: Who are you?
LIESL OBRECHT: I am ze Chief of Staff at General Hospital. Open ze door NOW!
MRS. SHIPLEY: Is he expecting you?
LIESL OBRECHT: Get on viss you, Husfrau! Hello, Mr. Baldwin. I am hear to speak viss you about your son.
RIC: Who's son might that be?
LIESL OBRECHT: Mr. Lansing? Vat are you doing here? Vere is Scott Baldwin?
RIC: Being Daddy to his wayward son, who I will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.
PCPD INTERROTATION ROOM
SCOTT: You're looking at your new attorney.
FRANCO: You can do that? D.A. must not mean what it used to.
SCOTT: PFFFFFFT! I quit. They were trying to railroad you and I couldn't let that happen to MY SON!
FRANCO: Did you take all your prized possessions with you, like, I don't know, a flash drive with a most fascinating recording on it?
SCOTT: What do you care? I'm here to keep YOU out of The Big House. So how is it that you had the murder weapon in your possession?
FRANCO: A careless butcher left his knife in my bag. It happens.
SCOTT: Nice try, but that knife was proven by forensics to be the knife used to kill Silas Clay.
FRANCO: I was gonna give it to you. Really, I was. But I had to get the raspberry jelly off of it first.
SHADYBROOK
NINA: So, Heidi, should I trust Auntie Liesl because Franco trusts her? Just between you and me, Liesl thinks I'm a few grapes short of a fruit basket.
HEIDI: (to herself) And you, lady, are like nails on a chalkboard.
NINA: I win! You lose! Good game, Heidi. Let's play again.
HEIDI: (to herself) Let's not. You annoy me.
NINA: I just don't trust Liesl. She has it in for me. Why my boyfriend likes her, I don't know. But Franco believes in me, Heidi. He really does.
HEIDI: Do you not see my blank stare? GO AWAY!
JORDAN'S OFFICE
JORDAN: Recognize these people?
JULIAN: I used to work with them. What's the deal here?
JORDAN: Used to? Are you sure it's all in the past?
JULIAN: How many times do I have to tell you, my mobbing days are over.
ALEXIS: He's right. I wouldn't let him in my bed if they weren't.
PCPD
LIESL OBRECHT: Step AWAY from my patient, sir. He has ze Fish Odor Syndrome. And a touch of leprosy.
FRANCO: So I'm a leper who smells like dead fish? Thanks a lot, Liesl.
LIESL OBRECHT: I am doing zis to help you. Sadly, ve have a problem viss ze D.A. Your fozzer is no longer working in zat capacity. Ze new D.A. is Ric Lansing.
FRANCO: The slimeball who is married to Nina? Say it ain't so, Liesl!
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
NINA: We meet again, AVA!
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
The Untilted Dillon Quartermaine Project
That's the working non-title title of Dillon's ubiquitous screenplay, which was the Special Guest Star of today's episode. Paul reads it on the sly and it inspires him to write Dillon a fat check for a half-million bucks. Lulu is moved to tears by the screenplay. The screenplay also reveals Jake Doe's true identity, who killed Silas Clay, and who put Hayden Barnes in a coma, as well as what Dante and Valerie were REALLY up to on the Fourth of July. And in the climactic scene, Rosalie's big HUGE largely-forgotten secret is revealed. Okay, so all of those revelations are a mix of snark and wishful thinking (wishful snarking?).
Liz panics when Jake proposes to her on the hospital balcony. At the chapel, Liz looks for answers and runs into Sam, who, unaware of the secret Liz is keeping from her and Jake, gives Liz a pep talk. At the PCPD, Valerie confides in Jordan about dating Dillon. Nikolas convinces Hayden to move in with him.
Q MANSION
PAUL: Hey there, son. How does 500 grand sound to get your screenplay off the ground? Sure beats one of those crowdfunding websites, doesn't it?
DILLON: I'm not taking a red cent from my deadbeat dad.
DILLON'S SCREENPLAY: TAKE IT, kid. TAKE IT!
PAUL: You know, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, son. I took the liberty of reading that screenplay of yours.
DILLON: Oh no you didn't! Only blondes named Lulu are allowed to read these sacred pages! It's strictly off limits to dads who wait over two decades to remember they have a son.
PAUL: So maybe I missed some stuff like all of your childhood and at least half of your twenties. How old are you again? The point is, we both have loved and lost and had to learn how to love again, am I right?
DILLON: Maybe, but I'm still pissed that you read my script.
PAUL: So, seeing anyone?
DILLON: Sort of. This girl Valerie Spencer. She's Lulu's cousin. She's not half bad.
PAUL: Now THAT sounds like true love.
DILLON: We've had exactly one date. Give it time.
PAUL: Hey, the only reason I read your screenplay was to get to know you better. What do you say you let your old man help you out?
DILLON: It's a half million dollars, Dad.
PAUL: Isn't that chump change to you Quartermaines?
DILLON: Fine, I'll take it.
DILLON'S SCREENPLAY: Finally, some sense, dear author. Oscars, here we come!
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
LULU: (reading Dillon's script)OMG, such drama! Such angst! Such relationship destruction!
DANTE: Still thinking about me and Valerie?
LULU: You and Valerie just kissed. Marjorie had wild, passionate SEX with another man. Poor Declan!
DILLON'S SCREENPLAY: Poor Declan? Poor ME! These tears are blurring the carefully-crafted lines!
DANTE'S CONSCIENCE: Sounds familiar. Fourth of July with one Valerie Spencer ringing a bell?
DANTE: Who the hell are Declan and Marjorie anyway?
LULU: The two main characters of Dillon's screenplay.
DANTE: What, did someone die or something?
LULU: Not someone, Dante. SomeTHING. Declan and Marjorie's relationship. Their engagement. All up in smoke because she cheated on him. Let's have sex.
DANTE'S CONSCIENCE: Remember the last time you did the horizontal tango? It wasn't with your wife, buddy.
DANTE: Let's do it.
PCPD
VALERIE: I've moved on from Dante. I'm dating Dillon now.
JORDAN: Do you have a thing for guys whose names begin with D? Or does it have more to do with guys who know your cousin Lulu?
VALERIE: It's not like there are a whole lot of available guys in this town. Nathan is with Maxie and there's no WAY I'm messing with Lulu's vigilante BFF. Michael is with Sabrina. Morgan is with some girl named Kiki. Patrick is with Sam. Jake is with Elizabeth. And Nikolas? He may be a prince, but his castle and all those women he keeps company with seriously creep me out.
JORDAN: When you put it that way, I guess your options are limited.
HOSPITAL
JAKE: Will you marry me, Uhlizabeth?
LIZ: No, no, no, Jake. You're supposed to say "I'm KING OF THE WORLD!"
JAKE: That was last time. This time I'm proposing. Sorry I don't have a ring.
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: Hello? Dude's already married. To Sam. Put me out of my misery and 'fess up already!
LIZ: Um...uh...I really have to pee. (runs off)
SAM: I have to go to the chapel to pray for Silas's soul. And arrange a memorial. I promised Kiki I'd handle that for her.
PATRICK: I've got to check on a few more brains. Catch you later?
SAM: Later.
NIKOLAS: Move in with me.
HAYDEN: Why? I thought we didn't get along.
NIKOLAS: There's something to be said for letting bygones be bygones. Besides, I've been dabbling in so much darkness I'm starting to feel a little too Cassadiney for my liking. Putting up a hospitalized homeless woman would do my embattled conscience a world of good.
NIKOLAS'S CONSCIENCE: Bravo, my dear prince. Bravo! You are thinking like a true Cassadine. You must keep Hayden under 24 hour surveillance to ensure she does not reveal Jake's true identity.
NIKOLAS: (to self) Why does my conscience have the voice of my grandmother? (to Hayden) Take as many rooms as you want. No strings attached.
HAYDEN: Really? You mean to tell me I won't be your round-the-clock sex slave? That is SO not what I'm about.
NIKOLAS: (laughing hysterically): I have so missed your sense of humor.
CHAPEL
LIZ: Oh, wise one in the sky, what should I do? Jake asked me to marry him. But he's already married. To Sam. Because he's Jason. But he's the man of my dreams. But I am lying to him every day. OMG, I'M SO CONFUSED! HELP ME OH WISE ONE! HEEEEELLLLPPPP MEEEE!
SAM: Looks like I have some company. Whose soul are you praying for, Elizabeth?
LIZ: Jake proposed to me.
SAM: So you're lighting candles in a chapel and crying? Help me out here.
LIZ: He...I...
SAM: Look, I know what happened the last time a guy gave you a ring. All of Port Chuckles knows, and Ric's scummier than scum.
LIZ: But Sam, I...
SAM: If you love Jake, you know what you need to do.
LIZ: But he's...
SAM: He's in love with you. And I'm in love with Patrick. Aren't we lucky to have two great guys in our lives.
LIZ: Thanks, Sam. (leaves)
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: Bok bok bok bok BOK!
HOSPITAL
JAKE: Where were you, Uhlizabeth? I'm sorry to spring that marriage proposal on you in such a random way.
LIZ: The answer is yes! I will marry you.
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: (bangs head against the wall)
Liz panics when Jake proposes to her on the hospital balcony. At the chapel, Liz looks for answers and runs into Sam, who, unaware of the secret Liz is keeping from her and Jake, gives Liz a pep talk. At the PCPD, Valerie confides in Jordan about dating Dillon. Nikolas convinces Hayden to move in with him.
Q MANSION
PAUL: Hey there, son. How does 500 grand sound to get your screenplay off the ground? Sure beats one of those crowdfunding websites, doesn't it?
DILLON: I'm not taking a red cent from my deadbeat dad.
DILLON'S SCREENPLAY: TAKE IT, kid. TAKE IT!
PAUL: You know, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, son. I took the liberty of reading that screenplay of yours.
DILLON: Oh no you didn't! Only blondes named Lulu are allowed to read these sacred pages! It's strictly off limits to dads who wait over two decades to remember they have a son.
PAUL: So maybe I missed some stuff like all of your childhood and at least half of your twenties. How old are you again? The point is, we both have loved and lost and had to learn how to love again, am I right?
DILLON: Maybe, but I'm still pissed that you read my script.
PAUL: So, seeing anyone?
DILLON: Sort of. This girl Valerie Spencer. She's Lulu's cousin. She's not half bad.
PAUL: Now THAT sounds like true love.
DILLON: We've had exactly one date. Give it time.
PAUL: Hey, the only reason I read your screenplay was to get to know you better. What do you say you let your old man help you out?
DILLON: It's a half million dollars, Dad.
PAUL: Isn't that chump change to you Quartermaines?
DILLON: Fine, I'll take it.
DILLON'S SCREENPLAY: Finally, some sense, dear author. Oscars, here we come!
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
LULU: (reading Dillon's script)OMG, such drama! Such angst! Such relationship destruction!
DANTE: Still thinking about me and Valerie?
LULU: You and Valerie just kissed. Marjorie had wild, passionate SEX with another man. Poor Declan!
DILLON'S SCREENPLAY: Poor Declan? Poor ME! These tears are blurring the carefully-crafted lines!
DANTE'S CONSCIENCE: Sounds familiar. Fourth of July with one Valerie Spencer ringing a bell?
DANTE: Who the hell are Declan and Marjorie anyway?
LULU: The two main characters of Dillon's screenplay.
DANTE: What, did someone die or something?
LULU: Not someone, Dante. SomeTHING. Declan and Marjorie's relationship. Their engagement. All up in smoke because she cheated on him. Let's have sex.
DANTE'S CONSCIENCE: Remember the last time you did the horizontal tango? It wasn't with your wife, buddy.
DANTE: Let's do it.
PCPD
VALERIE: I've moved on from Dante. I'm dating Dillon now.
JORDAN: Do you have a thing for guys whose names begin with D? Or does it have more to do with guys who know your cousin Lulu?
VALERIE: It's not like there are a whole lot of available guys in this town. Nathan is with Maxie and there's no WAY I'm messing with Lulu's vigilante BFF. Michael is with Sabrina. Morgan is with some girl named Kiki. Patrick is with Sam. Jake is with Elizabeth. And Nikolas? He may be a prince, but his castle and all those women he keeps company with seriously creep me out.
JORDAN: When you put it that way, I guess your options are limited.
HOSPITAL
JAKE: Will you marry me, Uhlizabeth?
LIZ: No, no, no, Jake. You're supposed to say "I'm KING OF THE WORLD!"
JAKE: That was last time. This time I'm proposing. Sorry I don't have a ring.
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: Hello? Dude's already married. To Sam. Put me out of my misery and 'fess up already!
LIZ: Um...uh...I really have to pee. (runs off)
SAM: I have to go to the chapel to pray for Silas's soul. And arrange a memorial. I promised Kiki I'd handle that for her.
PATRICK: I've got to check on a few more brains. Catch you later?
SAM: Later.
NIKOLAS: Move in with me.
HAYDEN: Why? I thought we didn't get along.
NIKOLAS: There's something to be said for letting bygones be bygones. Besides, I've been dabbling in so much darkness I'm starting to feel a little too Cassadiney for my liking. Putting up a hospitalized homeless woman would do my embattled conscience a world of good.
NIKOLAS'S CONSCIENCE: Bravo, my dear prince. Bravo! You are thinking like a true Cassadine. You must keep Hayden under 24 hour surveillance to ensure she does not reveal Jake's true identity.
NIKOLAS: (to self) Why does my conscience have the voice of my grandmother? (to Hayden) Take as many rooms as you want. No strings attached.
HAYDEN: Really? You mean to tell me I won't be your round-the-clock sex slave? That is SO not what I'm about.
NIKOLAS: (laughing hysterically): I have so missed your sense of humor.
CHAPEL
LIZ: Oh, wise one in the sky, what should I do? Jake asked me to marry him. But he's already married. To Sam. Because he's Jason. But he's the man of my dreams. But I am lying to him every day. OMG, I'M SO CONFUSED! HELP ME OH WISE ONE! HEEEEELLLLPPPP MEEEE!
SAM: Looks like I have some company. Whose soul are you praying for, Elizabeth?
LIZ: Jake proposed to me.
SAM: So you're lighting candles in a chapel and crying? Help me out here.
LIZ: He...I...
SAM: Look, I know what happened the last time a guy gave you a ring. All of Port Chuckles knows, and Ric's scummier than scum.
LIZ: But Sam, I...
SAM: If you love Jake, you know what you need to do.
LIZ: But he's...
SAM: He's in love with you. And I'm in love with Patrick. Aren't we lucky to have two great guys in our lives.
LIZ: Thanks, Sam. (leaves)
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: Bok bok bok bok BOK!
HOSPITAL
JAKE: Where were you, Uhlizabeth? I'm sorry to spring that marriage proposal on you in such a random way.
LIZ: The answer is yes! I will marry you.
LIZ'S CONSCIENCE: (bangs head against the wall)
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