Tracy flips the Luke switch and the real Luke comes out, only to disappear out the window while Lulu and Tracy are out of the room talking to the PA cops. Alexis has a little chat with Patrick while Julian has a heart-to-heart with his daughter. Ric comforts Liz and feigns surprise that Jake has a "wife". Meanwhile, Jake tells Hayden he can't leave Port Chuckles. Carly sees red when Olivia lets Franco and Nina stay at the MetroCourt.
HAYDEN'S HOTEL ROOM
HAYDEN: We need to head back home to Beechers Corners.
JAKE: Yeah, about that, it's not gonna happen.
HAYDEN: Why the hell not? That's our home.
JAKE: I kinda have a job here.
HAYDEN: Doing...
JAKE: I don't know exactly. It has something to do with a guy named Julian Jerome. Scrubbing toilets for gangsters, that's it!
HAYDEN: Screw that job! Come back home so we can start our old life again.
JAKE: What old life? Memory loss, remember? My brain was erased by an SUV on Rte 31 and everything I know before living in The Chuckles is gone. I'm staying put.
HAYDEN: Fine. Where are we going to stay?
JAKE: Here works.
KELLY'S
RIC: Hey Elizabeth! Do you miss me yet? How's life with Jake? Do you miss me yet?
LIZ: Jake and I...we won't be a thing. He's kinda married.
RIC: Married? No kidding!
LIZ: Yeah, his wife showed up out of the blue.
RIC: Don't you hate when that happens? Well, you can always get back together with me.
LIZ: Been there, done that.
RIC: But you broke up with me because of Jake. Jake is no longer a factor, so you can come back to me, no questions asked.
LIZ: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'll need a restraining order.
METROCOURT
CARLY: WHAT FRESH HELL? FRANCO cannot be in MY hotel. No way, no how!
FRANCO: Nice to see you too, Carly.
OLIVIA: Um, Carly? Remember how this is OUR hotel?
CARLY: You can't seriously let these fruit loops in my restaurant, OLIVIA! Franco ruined my life. He turned my son against me and his father.
FRANCO: Save it, Carly. You lied to Michael and you know it. You're just mad 'cause you got caught.
NINA: Good one, Franco. (High-fives Franco)
OLIVIA: Look, those two kooks got their brains fried just like I did courtesy of Heather Webber. I feel kinda sorry for them, so I comped them a room.
CARLY: You COMPED them a room? You're just as cracked as they are, Olivia!
OLIVIA: I'm co-owner of this joint, Carly. Nina and Franco are staying. Deal with it.
CARLY: I'm speechless.
OLIVIA, FRANCO, & NINA: Now THERE'S a first!
SAM'S APARTMENT
SAM: Can we like, forget the walk-in ever happened?
JULIAN: I will if you will. I asked your mom to move in with me.
SAM: What says she?
JULIAN: She's mulling it over.
SAM: That makes two of us. Patrick asked me the same thing.
JULIAN: So what's stopping you?
SAM: I don't know. Maybe the ghost of Jason.
JULIAN: Better not tell Patrick he's competing with a ghost.
SAM: You know something weird? My wedding ring reminds me of Jake.
JULIAN: A piece of jewelry reminds you of my new employee? Should I be concerned?
HOSPITAL
ALEXIS: Spill it, Patrick. How much of me did you see?
PATRICK: I plead the fifth.
ALEXIS: Nice try, but you're not off the hook. Was there, you know, something that rhymes with gipple?
PATRICK: If there was, I blocked it out. Did you really come down here to engage in the most awkward cross-examination of both of our careers?
ALEXIS: I have a deposition. So how are things with you and Sam?
PATRICK: I asked her to move in with me.
ALEXIS: And she said...
PATRICK: She'd think about it. Tell me, as Sam's mother, do I stand a chance against The Ghost of Jason?
ALEXIS: Ghosts make strange bedfellows. Not that I have any experience in that area.
FRANCO AND NINA'S METROCOURT SUITE
FRANCO: Welcome to our sweet suite!
NINA: Interesting decor. I suppose it will do, as long as I am with YOU.
FRANCO: Lookee here! Chocolates! Little bottles of booze! Strawberries!
NINA: I could really get used to this.
FRANCO: Did you SEE the look on Carly's face when she saw us standing there? (gives a little booze bottle to Nina) Let's toast.
NINA: To freedom and living the good life!
HOSPITAL
SAM: Would you mind giving me a key to your place, Patrick? I might need it if I'm going to be living there and all.
PATRICK: Sorry, no room at the inn. I rented the room out to one Nina Clay.
SAM: Did I just hear you right?
PATRICK: APRIL FOOL, Sam! After I get off, I'll help you pack.
OAK HILL CONVALESCENT HOME
LUKE: So, which one of you ladies wants to die first. Eeny meeny miney mo. Catch a tiger by it's toe. If he hollers---
TRACY: Shoot me, Luke. I will not have you shoot your own daughter, or sisters for that matter. To get to them, you'll have to go through me first.
LUKE: If you're gonna volunteer...
TRACY: You're not going to do it. It's not in you, Luke. You would walk through FIRE for your family, Luke. Fire, Ice, Cassadines, whatever it took to keep the people you loved safe. Am I right?
LUKE: Tracy? Is that you? Where am I? What are we all doing here? This looks like a hospital. Am I sick, Tracy? Am I dying?
TRACY: You are at Oak Hill Convalescent Home. This is where your sister Patricia is staying.
LUKE: Patricia? Oh my god, Patricia? What are you doing in this hospital?
PATRICIA: Luke? I haven't seen you in fifty-two years! I have Multiple Sclerosis, Luke. I need round-the-clock care.
LUKE: I'm so sorry, Patricia.
COP: I got a call, said there was a disturbance here.
TRACY: Move along, officer. Nothing to see here.
COP: Anyone here named Lulu Falconeri?
LULU: That's me.
TRACY: Let's step outside and leave Luke and Patricia to reunite in peace. (Tracy, Lulu, and the cops step outside the room and close the door)
COP: One Dante Falconeri called and said there was an armed and dangerous man in this here room.
TRACY: There was, but I flipped the switch in his brain that makes his real, less violent self come out and he dropped the gun. He's my husband and yes, I have that kind of power over him.
COP: Oooooookay. Are you sure everything's okay in there?
LULU: Positive.
COP: Okay. We're gone.
TRACY: (opening door to room): Where's Luke?
PATRICIA: He's gone. Out the window.
TRACY: What the????
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Monday, March 30, 2015
Family Reunion
Bobbie is reunited--at gunpoint by Luke--with big sis Patricia while Dante takes care of a likely concussed Valerie, who keeps passing out. Nina and Franco blackmail Olivia into putting them up in a luxury suite with champagne and chocolates. Anna and Jordan are forced to let Sloane in on their plan to trap Duke. Duke and his associate pontificate what to do about Jordan. Carly reminds Jake that he's on the hook with Sloane.
METROCOURT
FRANCO: Hello, fellow LSD victim of my mother. Hows about booking my goddess and me a luxury suite with champagne?
NINA: And chocolates. I love chocolates.
OLIVIA: Who let you two loons out of the nuthouse? There is no way in HELL I'm going to SELL you a luxury suite, let alone COMP you one. Keep on trippin', Freako.
FRANCO: I guess you don't mind if I let Julian Jerome in on his baby-daddy situation.
OLIVIA: Like anyone would believe you, you whackjob!
FRANCO: The only person who I have to convince is the mafioso himself. Hey, psssssst, Julian!
JULIAN: Do you mind? I'm on a date here.
FRANCO: Just thought you wanted to know something.
OLIVIA: Hey, you two, you'd better hurry up to your suite before the bubbly ain't so bubbly anymore.
JULIAN: What was it you wanted to say?
FRANCO: Oh yeah, sorry about Ava.
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
VALERIE: I have to save my mother from your psycho father! (passes out)
DANTE: Valerie, look, you can't stand up straight. The only place you'll be headed is an ambulance.
VALERIE: He's going to put a bullet in her to shut her up! (passes out again)
DANTE: I'll take care of my cracked father-in-law. You need medical attention. Concussion and all.
LULU: I will take care of my own father, thank you very much. Valerie, you stay here with Dante. If anyone can reach my very sick father, it's me.
DANTE: Like hell you will. Your dad's dangerous and he's not in his right mind. He'll plug you in a heartbeat.
LULU: Dante, you be a good hubby and make sure Valerie gets to the hospital. I"m going to Oak Hill to be The Luke Whisperer.
OAK HILL CONVALESCENT HOME
LUKE: If it isn't my simpering sis and my wacky wife. Which one of you should I pop off first?
TRACY: We're here to help you, Luke.
BOBBIE: Is Patricia behind that curtain?
LUKE: Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Maybe you won't live to see her.
TRACY: Come on, Luke. I know your sister's back there.
BOBBIE: We did a google search. Then we used a GPS and found her in this very room.
LUKE: Well aren't you special? You wanna see Pat? Here she is! (Luke opens the curtain and Patricia is gagged in a hospital bed )
PATRICA: Terk ders erf mer, Lerk! Ers dert Berber?
LUKE: You don't want me to, I don't know, KILL our big sis, do you, Barbara Jean?
BOBBIE: Luke, you wouldn't kill our sister!
LULU: OMG, Dad! Put that gun down! Is that Aunt Patricia? How dare you gag a bedridden woman!
LUKE: Welcome to the party, Lesley Lu. Now why don't you ladies all huddle together so I can get a good shot, and I don't mean with a camera.
ANNA'S ROOM
SLOANE: Hey there AGENT Ashford! But don't blame Anna, here. Your old boss BOB was the one who outed you.
ANNA: 'Fraid so.
JORDAN: So what do we do now?
ANNA: We have no choice. We have to let Sloane in on Operation Bust Duke.
SLOANE: So, Jordan, spill your guts. What did ol' Kiltface try to pull?
JORDAN: Do I have to?
ANNA: 'Fraid so.
JORDAN: Fine. I tried to get Duke to admit he wants to off Julian and he gave me the scores to some British cricket match and the plots to every episode of season 5 of Downton Abbey.
ANNA: So much for outfitting her with a wire.
JORDAN: And if Duke's onto me, I'm screwed. As in dead.
ANNA: Maybe Duke didn't notice. Keep at it, Jordan. Keep doing whatever you have to do to ensure Duke's trust.
GYM
DUKE: What do we do about Jordan?
DUKE'S GOON: Um, let's ask the boss.
DUKE: That would be me. Sonny has to stay out of this so the judge won't see the mob on his face.
GOON: Oh yeah, that thing with the baby.
DUKE: That could take awhile, so I'm the boss.
GOON: Fine, so are you gonna off the Fed or not?
DUKE: She cannot be allowed to testify against me. That leaves me two choices: Kill her or marry her.
GOON: What a conundrum...
KELLY'S
CARLY: I'm still not buying that Hayden's your wife.
JAKE: But Uhlizabeth saw my brain scans in Hayden's hubby's medical file.
CARLY: Yeah, that's a tough nut to crack. Still, this chick has to be a fake because I think she's a fake and I'm always right.
JAKE: But what if she really is my wife? Shouldn't I, like, go with her back to this Beechers Corners?
CARLY: Remember that greasehead Sloane? You're supposed to do some fake mobbing for him to bring down Julian Jerome.
JAKE: Yeah, that. Well, Hayden will just have to stick around Port Chuckles until I manage to throw Jerome under the bus. I thought you hated me working for the mob.
CARLY: Still do, but we both know you have no choice. Unless you want me to get Diane to argue your case.
JAKE: And if she loses, I'm in Pumpkinville for the rest of my life.
CARLY: That would be Pentonville. Diane's the best, but I respect your choice because I'm the friend you can't get rid of.
SLOANE: Ready for work, Jake? You'd better be. The sooner you help us bust Jerome, the sooner you get yourself off the hook. Got it?
JAKE: Well, there's this thing with my possibly fake wife...
SLOANE: Life's hard, kid. Wear a helmet.
METROCOURT
OLIVIA: Okay you two wackadoos. You have your suite for the night.
FRANCO: With champagne?
NINA: And chocolates?
FRANCO: How about a standing reservation? Nina and I just might get comfortable.
OLIVIA: Take advantage much? How the hell am I going to explain all this to Carly?
FRANCO: Here's your chance.
METROCOURT
FRANCO: Hello, fellow LSD victim of my mother. Hows about booking my goddess and me a luxury suite with champagne?
NINA: And chocolates. I love chocolates.
OLIVIA: Who let you two loons out of the nuthouse? There is no way in HELL I'm going to SELL you a luxury suite, let alone COMP you one. Keep on trippin', Freako.
FRANCO: I guess you don't mind if I let Julian Jerome in on his baby-daddy situation.
OLIVIA: Like anyone would believe you, you whackjob!
FRANCO: The only person who I have to convince is the mafioso himself. Hey, psssssst, Julian!
JULIAN: Do you mind? I'm on a date here.
FRANCO: Just thought you wanted to know something.
OLIVIA: Hey, you two, you'd better hurry up to your suite before the bubbly ain't so bubbly anymore.
JULIAN: What was it you wanted to say?
FRANCO: Oh yeah, sorry about Ava.
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
VALERIE: I have to save my mother from your psycho father! (passes out)
DANTE: Valerie, look, you can't stand up straight. The only place you'll be headed is an ambulance.
VALERIE: He's going to put a bullet in her to shut her up! (passes out again)
DANTE: I'll take care of my cracked father-in-law. You need medical attention. Concussion and all.
LULU: I will take care of my own father, thank you very much. Valerie, you stay here with Dante. If anyone can reach my very sick father, it's me.
DANTE: Like hell you will. Your dad's dangerous and he's not in his right mind. He'll plug you in a heartbeat.
LULU: Dante, you be a good hubby and make sure Valerie gets to the hospital. I"m going to Oak Hill to be The Luke Whisperer.
OAK HILL CONVALESCENT HOME
LUKE: If it isn't my simpering sis and my wacky wife. Which one of you should I pop off first?
TRACY: We're here to help you, Luke.
BOBBIE: Is Patricia behind that curtain?
LUKE: Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Maybe you won't live to see her.
TRACY: Come on, Luke. I know your sister's back there.
BOBBIE: We did a google search. Then we used a GPS and found her in this very room.
LUKE: Well aren't you special? You wanna see Pat? Here she is! (Luke opens the curtain and Patricia is gagged in a hospital bed )
PATRICA: Terk ders erf mer, Lerk! Ers dert Berber?
LUKE: You don't want me to, I don't know, KILL our big sis, do you, Barbara Jean?
BOBBIE: Luke, you wouldn't kill our sister!
LULU: OMG, Dad! Put that gun down! Is that Aunt Patricia? How dare you gag a bedridden woman!
LUKE: Welcome to the party, Lesley Lu. Now why don't you ladies all huddle together so I can get a good shot, and I don't mean with a camera.
ANNA'S ROOM
SLOANE: Hey there AGENT Ashford! But don't blame Anna, here. Your old boss BOB was the one who outed you.
ANNA: 'Fraid so.
JORDAN: So what do we do now?
ANNA: We have no choice. We have to let Sloane in on Operation Bust Duke.
SLOANE: So, Jordan, spill your guts. What did ol' Kiltface try to pull?
JORDAN: Do I have to?
ANNA: 'Fraid so.
JORDAN: Fine. I tried to get Duke to admit he wants to off Julian and he gave me the scores to some British cricket match and the plots to every episode of season 5 of Downton Abbey.
ANNA: So much for outfitting her with a wire.
JORDAN: And if Duke's onto me, I'm screwed. As in dead.
ANNA: Maybe Duke didn't notice. Keep at it, Jordan. Keep doing whatever you have to do to ensure Duke's trust.
GYM
DUKE: What do we do about Jordan?
DUKE'S GOON: Um, let's ask the boss.
DUKE: That would be me. Sonny has to stay out of this so the judge won't see the mob on his face.
GOON: Oh yeah, that thing with the baby.
DUKE: That could take awhile, so I'm the boss.
GOON: Fine, so are you gonna off the Fed or not?
DUKE: She cannot be allowed to testify against me. That leaves me two choices: Kill her or marry her.
GOON: What a conundrum...
KELLY'S
CARLY: I'm still not buying that Hayden's your wife.
JAKE: But Uhlizabeth saw my brain scans in Hayden's hubby's medical file.
CARLY: Yeah, that's a tough nut to crack. Still, this chick has to be a fake because I think she's a fake and I'm always right.
JAKE: But what if she really is my wife? Shouldn't I, like, go with her back to this Beechers Corners?
CARLY: Remember that greasehead Sloane? You're supposed to do some fake mobbing for him to bring down Julian Jerome.
JAKE: Yeah, that. Well, Hayden will just have to stick around Port Chuckles until I manage to throw Jerome under the bus. I thought you hated me working for the mob.
CARLY: Still do, but we both know you have no choice. Unless you want me to get Diane to argue your case.
JAKE: And if she loses, I'm in Pumpkinville for the rest of my life.
CARLY: That would be Pentonville. Diane's the best, but I respect your choice because I'm the friend you can't get rid of.
SLOANE: Ready for work, Jake? You'd better be. The sooner you help us bust Jerome, the sooner you get yourself off the hook. Got it?
JAKE: Well, there's this thing with my possibly fake wife...
SLOANE: Life's hard, kid. Wear a helmet.
METROCOURT
OLIVIA: Okay you two wackadoos. You have your suite for the night.
FRANCO: With champagne?
NINA: And chocolates?
FRANCO: How about a standing reservation? Nina and I just might get comfortable.
OLIVIA: Take advantage much? How the hell am I going to explain all this to Carly?
FRANCO: Here's your chance.
Friday, March 27, 2015
The Wire
Jordan is all wired up to catch Duke ordering a hit on Julian, but Duke doesn't cooperate. Sloane demands to search Anna's room. Dante & Lulu find Valerie unconscious in her apartment and when she comes to, she has something interesting to say about her mother. Meanwhile, Bobbie is devastated to learn from Tracy that Patricia is dead, but all may not be as it seems. Franco and Nina make plans that involve blackmailing Olivia.
ANNA'S METROCOURT ROOM
ANNA: You're all wired up, Jordan. Ready to catch Duke in the act of ordering a mob hit?
JORDAN: Ready as you are. I know you and Duke used to be a thing.
ANNA: When he chose Sonny and the mob, that "thing" was no more. Go get him.
JORDAN: Okay, here goes.
SONNY'S GYM
SHAWN: I was wrong about Jordan.
SONNY: Come again?
SHAWN: When I shared my suspicions with you and Duke about Jordan being a cop. I made a mistake.
SONNY: It happens.
SHAWN: What did Duke make her do?
SONNY: Hell if I know. I left that all up to Duke. He just said he'd test Jordan's loyalty.
SHAWN: Didn't he already do that, with the whole ballot box thing?
SONNY: Maybe he needed further proof.
SHAWN: There's only one thing he could ask her to do that she couldn't do as a cop.
SONNY: Yeah, that would be to off someone.
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
LULU: OMG! Is my brand new cousin DEAD?
DANTE: She has a pulse. She's just out cold. Valerie?
LULU: Valerie? It's your cousin Lulu.
VALERIE: Your psycho dad hit me. He was in the closet when you and Tracy were here before and he had a gun. That's why I said I had had a cat named GUNNAR.
LULU: I'm so sorry, Valerie. This is my cop hubby Dante.
DANTE: Sorry we have to meet this way Valerie.
VALERIE: About my mother, she's not dead. I lied because, you know, armed psycho lurking in the closet. She has MS and she's living in a nursing home.
KELLY'S
TRACY: I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Bobbie, but your sister is no longer with us.
BOBBIE: OMG! OMG! She really is dead! OMG! (cries)
TRACY: I'm so sorry Bobbie. But you do have a niece. Her name is Valerie and was acting kinda weird when we met her, but she gave her the name of the place Patricia is buried. Oak Hill Cemetery. When I did a google search, the place didn't exist.
BOBBIE: Let me try. (does search on tablet) Oak Hill is a nursing home. Why would my newfound niece lie about that?
TRACY: I don't know, maybe your brother, my HUSBAND was hiding in a closet with a gun. We have to teleport ourselves to Pennsylvania ASAP
COURTHOUSE
ALEXIS: Now that you're free, Nina, you will be living with your brother at his place over Kelly's. He will be coming by to pick you up.
NINA: You know I love my brother, but I'm swimming in cash now. I don't need to be living in some shoebox over a sandwich shop.
ALEXIS: Yes, Nina, you do. When you went bonkers, your money went to the state.
NINA: Say WHAAAAAAT????? My money is GONE? How can I get it back?
ALEXIS: It's a long process that involves taking the state to court. Meanwhile, your brother will be happy to support you.
NINA: You don't have to wait around, Alexis. Thanks for helping me get out of the loony bin, but would you please take a hike?
ALEXIS: I don't like leaving you alone with Franco.
NINA: I'll be fine.
ALEXIS: Okay, but no funny business.
METROCOURT
JULIAN: Hey, Olivia, sorry about the prego belly grab the other day. Totally inappropriate. It won't happen again. I've entered myself into belly grab rehab.
OLIVIA: That's probably a good idea.
JULIAN: I get it. The baby's Ned's. Even Alexis thinks so now.
ALEXIS: Hello hot stuff!
JULIAN: Right back at ya! I was just telling Olivia that I won't be grabbing her pregnant belly anymore.
COURTHOUSE
FRANCO: We're free! We're free! We're free! Come on, Nina! Do a happy dance with me!
NINA: Where are you going to live, Franco?
FRANCO: Haven't given it too much thought. Really, anywhere's better than P-ville, especially if I'm with you. That gives me an idea. How about we get a luxury suite at the MetroCourt? Carly may hate my guts, but Olivia? She will agree in a heartbeat.
NINA: I don't know. I don't want to hurt Jay's feelings.
FRANCO: Pffft! Your brother will be happy he doesn't have to share his shoebox. Meanwhile we will be getting some sweet room service in our suite! Get it? Sweet, suite?
NINA: It does sound amazing, and I get to be with you.
FRANCO: That's settled. Let's go blackmail Olivia now.
METROCOURT
JORDAN: Hello Duke. Do you still want me to kill Julian Jerome?
DUKE: Hello, Jordan. Would you like some tea? I always offer my associates some tea.
JORDAN: Sure. I'll have some chamomile. Back to Julian. Is the hit still on?
DUKE: I spoke to Julian earlier today.
JORDAN: DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO KILL HIM?
DUKE: Well, the skies are sunny now, but there is a 40% chance of rain this afternoon.
JORDAN: So this really was just a way of testing me.
DUKE: Yes, and you passed with flying colors. Congratulations, Jordan.
ANNA'S ROOM
SLOANE: I have a warrant to search your room.
ANNA: Like hell you do.
SLOANE: The warrant includes a strip search, so disrobe.
ANNA: So not even funny, Sloane.
SLOANE: Fine, then I'll start with the laptop.
ANNA: I don't think so. That's my personal computer.
SLOANE: I'm sure it's absolutely fascinating. Hand it over.
ANNA: Hand over the warrant first.
SLOANE: I don't have to do that.
ANNA: (grabs paper out of Sloane's hand) This isn't a warrant, you creep!
SLOANE: You got me, but I've got the name of your confidential informant. One Jordan Ashford. Sloane 1, Anna: ZEEEEEROOOOO
JORDAN: Damn Duke!
SLOANE: Things just got real.
ANNA'S METROCOURT ROOM
ANNA: You're all wired up, Jordan. Ready to catch Duke in the act of ordering a mob hit?
JORDAN: Ready as you are. I know you and Duke used to be a thing.
ANNA: When he chose Sonny and the mob, that "thing" was no more. Go get him.
JORDAN: Okay, here goes.
SONNY'S GYM
SHAWN: I was wrong about Jordan.
SONNY: Come again?
SHAWN: When I shared my suspicions with you and Duke about Jordan being a cop. I made a mistake.
SONNY: It happens.
SHAWN: What did Duke make her do?
SONNY: Hell if I know. I left that all up to Duke. He just said he'd test Jordan's loyalty.
SHAWN: Didn't he already do that, with the whole ballot box thing?
SONNY: Maybe he needed further proof.
SHAWN: There's only one thing he could ask her to do that she couldn't do as a cop.
SONNY: Yeah, that would be to off someone.
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
LULU: OMG! Is my brand new cousin DEAD?
DANTE: She has a pulse. She's just out cold. Valerie?
LULU: Valerie? It's your cousin Lulu.
VALERIE: Your psycho dad hit me. He was in the closet when you and Tracy were here before and he had a gun. That's why I said I had had a cat named GUNNAR.
LULU: I'm so sorry, Valerie. This is my cop hubby Dante.
DANTE: Sorry we have to meet this way Valerie.
VALERIE: About my mother, she's not dead. I lied because, you know, armed psycho lurking in the closet. She has MS and she's living in a nursing home.
KELLY'S
TRACY: I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Bobbie, but your sister is no longer with us.
BOBBIE: OMG! OMG! She really is dead! OMG! (cries)
TRACY: I'm so sorry Bobbie. But you do have a niece. Her name is Valerie and was acting kinda weird when we met her, but she gave her the name of the place Patricia is buried. Oak Hill Cemetery. When I did a google search, the place didn't exist.
BOBBIE: Let me try. (does search on tablet) Oak Hill is a nursing home. Why would my newfound niece lie about that?
TRACY: I don't know, maybe your brother, my HUSBAND was hiding in a closet with a gun. We have to teleport ourselves to Pennsylvania ASAP
COURTHOUSE
ALEXIS: Now that you're free, Nina, you will be living with your brother at his place over Kelly's. He will be coming by to pick you up.
NINA: You know I love my brother, but I'm swimming in cash now. I don't need to be living in some shoebox over a sandwich shop.
ALEXIS: Yes, Nina, you do. When you went bonkers, your money went to the state.
NINA: Say WHAAAAAAT????? My money is GONE? How can I get it back?
ALEXIS: It's a long process that involves taking the state to court. Meanwhile, your brother will be happy to support you.
NINA: You don't have to wait around, Alexis. Thanks for helping me get out of the loony bin, but would you please take a hike?
ALEXIS: I don't like leaving you alone with Franco.
NINA: I'll be fine.
ALEXIS: Okay, but no funny business.
METROCOURT
JULIAN: Hey, Olivia, sorry about the prego belly grab the other day. Totally inappropriate. It won't happen again. I've entered myself into belly grab rehab.
OLIVIA: That's probably a good idea.
JULIAN: I get it. The baby's Ned's. Even Alexis thinks so now.
ALEXIS: Hello hot stuff!
JULIAN: Right back at ya! I was just telling Olivia that I won't be grabbing her pregnant belly anymore.
COURTHOUSE
FRANCO: We're free! We're free! We're free! Come on, Nina! Do a happy dance with me!
NINA: Where are you going to live, Franco?
FRANCO: Haven't given it too much thought. Really, anywhere's better than P-ville, especially if I'm with you. That gives me an idea. How about we get a luxury suite at the MetroCourt? Carly may hate my guts, but Olivia? She will agree in a heartbeat.
NINA: I don't know. I don't want to hurt Jay's feelings.
FRANCO: Pffft! Your brother will be happy he doesn't have to share his shoebox. Meanwhile we will be getting some sweet room service in our suite! Get it? Sweet, suite?
NINA: It does sound amazing, and I get to be with you.
FRANCO: That's settled. Let's go blackmail Olivia now.
METROCOURT
JORDAN: Hello Duke. Do you still want me to kill Julian Jerome?
DUKE: Hello, Jordan. Would you like some tea? I always offer my associates some tea.
JORDAN: Sure. I'll have some chamomile. Back to Julian. Is the hit still on?
DUKE: I spoke to Julian earlier today.
JORDAN: DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO KILL HIM?
DUKE: Well, the skies are sunny now, but there is a 40% chance of rain this afternoon.
JORDAN: So this really was just a way of testing me.
DUKE: Yes, and you passed with flying colors. Congratulations, Jordan.
ANNA'S ROOM
SLOANE: I have a warrant to search your room.
ANNA: Like hell you do.
SLOANE: The warrant includes a strip search, so disrobe.
ANNA: So not even funny, Sloane.
SLOANE: Fine, then I'll start with the laptop.
ANNA: I don't think so. That's my personal computer.
SLOANE: I'm sure it's absolutely fascinating. Hand it over.
ANNA: Hand over the warrant first.
SLOANE: I don't have to do that.
ANNA: (grabs paper out of Sloane's hand) This isn't a warrant, you creep!
SLOANE: You got me, but I've got the name of your confidential informant. One Jordan Ashford. Sloane 1, Anna: ZEEEEEROOOOO
JORDAN: Damn Duke!
SLOANE: Things just got real.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Hush Money
Ric pays Fake Jake, a.k.a. Pete to disappear and not mention anything to Liz about the Hayden ruse. Carly gets all up in Hayden's face about claiming to be Jake's wife while Liz is convinced that Hayden is telling the truth. Valerie finds herself in a bind thanks to Uncle Luke. Lulu and Dante suspect Luke had been hiding out in Valerie's apartment. Patrick bonds with Danny while Sam ponders Jake's ring comment. Nina and Franco are both released from Shadybrook.
BEHIND KELLY'S
PETE: Cough up some dough, bro!
RIC: Get lost.
PETE: Not until I get a couple of grand for my services.
RIC: I already paid you, now scram before someone discovers you.
PETE: I have a better idea. I'll tell your precious Elizabeth what you're up to.
RIC: 10 Gs and you disappear, deal?
PETE: I'll take it.
METROCOURT
CARLY: Knock knock! Just so ya know, I own this place and I think YOU (points to Hayden) are up to no good.
HAYDEN: What the hell? I'm Jake's wife. See the ring! He's got one too.
CARLY: Where did you find it, Rings R Us? That proves exactly nothing.
HAYDEN: Why is this ANY of your business as long as I pay for my room?
CARLY: Cuz Jake here is my FRIEND and when I think my FRIEND is getting SCREWED OVER, I GET PISSED OFF!
HAYDEN: So you aren't buying the ring, but I have a wedding picture. See?
CARLY: So you know how to use Photoshop.
HAYDEN: Medical records.
LIZ: I wanna see those. I'm a nurse so I can read doctors' handwriting.
HAYDEN: (hands Liz the medical records)
CARLY: Now answer me this: Where were you in OCTOBER, when Jake was RUN OVER BY A FRIGGIN' CAR??? Weren't you a little CONCERNED when he DIDN'T COME BACK?
HAYDEN: He threw his wedding ring at me so I thought we were finished.
CARLY: FIVE FRIGGIN' MONTHS! You took FIVE FRIGGIN' MONTHS to be like, "Guess what? MAYBE SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HIM???
LIZ: This is interesting. Jake Barnes had the exact same brain surgery that you had, Jake. These medical records belong to you and Hayden really is your wife.
CARLY: So? Everybody has had brain surgery at some point or another in this town. Brain surgeries and gunshot wounds are what keep this hospital in business. Not to mention Route 31, where every single accident occurs.
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
LUKE: Breakfast, darling niece. It looks like you are a little tied up at the moment. Well, it's a necessary evil. But, I'll be a good uncle and take the duct tape off. (takes tape off of Valerie's mouth) RRRRRIP! Now have some scrambled eggs.
VALERIE: (bites Luke) You psycho! I bet those eggs are poisoned.
LUKE: Now that wasn't very nice, niece. The last time I bit someone, I ended up in the loony bin. Of course, I practically bit off the guy's ear.
VALERIE: Who let you out of your cage?
LUKE: Ha ha ha! Now there's that Spencer sense of humor. How's about telling me where my big sis is.
VALERIE: How many times do I have to tell you she's DEAD!
LUKE: Still not buying it. Maybe my gullible wife and daughter can be had, but not Luke Spencer.
VALERIE: You want to find my mother because she knows something and you're trying to keep her quiet, right?
LUKE: Knows? Isn't it improper grammar to refer to the dead in the present tense.
VALERIE: Fine, she's alive, but I'm not telling you where she is just so you can kill her.
LUKE: Okay, if that's the way you want to play it, I'll kill YOU instead.
VALERIE: You would kill a member of your own family? (Unties rope behind her back, gets up and pushes Luke over. Picks up ringing phone) HELP ME!!!
LUKE: Nice try (disconnects phone)
KELLY'S
DANTE: So Patricia is dead?
LULU: That's what my cousin Valerie said. Valerie is Patricia's daughter.
DANTE: What was she like?
LULU: She seemed nice, but she was acting very weird, like there was something going on in her apartment that she didn't want Tracy and I to discover.
DANTE: What did Tracy think of her?
LULU: Tracy thinks she's hiding something. We heard a noise while we were there that Valerie said was her cat, but Tracy isn't buying it.
DANTE: Did it sound like there was someone there? Someone like Luke?
LULU: OMG! I have to call Valerie to make sure my dad hasn't killed her!
COURTHOUSE
SCOTT: So I went to Shadybrook and it sounded like Franco was legitimately bonkers. He mistook me, his own father, for a MONKEY!
FRANCO: A Mon-Chi-Chi, pop!
SCOTT: But as we got to talking, he told me that the dose of LSD that he injected into himself to avoid a prison sentence had worn off and the crazypants act was a piece of performance art.
FRANCO: Dammit!
SCOTT: I'm sorry, son, but I'm doing my job as a district attorney.
FRANCO: You sold me out. Now my 10 year old lawyer is going to get me sent back to shiv city.
SCOTT: Don't underestimate Sully. He looks like a 4th grader, but he can lawyer with the best of 'em. He'll find a way to blame this all on your mother. It's called the Sigmund Freud defense.
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: What did Jake mean? Was he talking about MY wedding ring?
PATRICK: Sam, the guy suffers from terminal confusion. Who knows why he was talking about rings with you.
SAM: He was in here the night he tried to murder us and he saw the Phoenix and he apparently opened the canister while we were having shower sex and only found one ring.
DANNY: Mommy! Can I play? Hey mister, are you Daddy?
PATRICK: No, Danny, I'm not your daddy, but I'm your best buddy. How's that.
DANNY: Okay.
METROCOURT
LIZ: It looks like you and Hayden are married. Nice knowing you, Jake.
JAKE: Don't go, Uhlizabeth! I'm not in love with Hayden. I'm in love with you.
LIZ: But you need to try to make something work with your wife. I don't want to be anybody's mistress.
JAKE: Can you at least kiss me goodbye?
COURTHOUSE
ALEXIS: Your honor, my client was faking her mental breakdown in a horribly misguided attempt to help her dear friend and fellow mental patient Franco.
NINA: This is sabotage! You're going to get me sent back to the funny farm!
ALEXIS: Nina has learned her lesson and she has regained her grip on reality.
JUDGE: I'm going to have to think about this one.
NINA: Hey judge, can I say something?
ALEXIS: Nina, zip it! If you want to be released from Shadybrook, put a sock in your piehole.
NINA: May I please sit in that box, your honor?
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
NINA: Your honor, I just wanted to let you know that Ava Jerome's baby is (sees Franco)
FRANCO: Free as a bird!
NINA: Ava Jerome's baby is Ava's and not mine. I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused when I was pretending to be wackadoo.
JUDGE: You may be seated, Mrs. Clay. I move that Mrs. Clay be sprung from the nuthouse.
BEHIND KELLY'S
PETE: Cough up some dough, bro!
RIC: Get lost.
PETE: Not until I get a couple of grand for my services.
RIC: I already paid you, now scram before someone discovers you.
PETE: I have a better idea. I'll tell your precious Elizabeth what you're up to.
RIC: 10 Gs and you disappear, deal?
PETE: I'll take it.
METROCOURT
CARLY: Knock knock! Just so ya know, I own this place and I think YOU (points to Hayden) are up to no good.
HAYDEN: What the hell? I'm Jake's wife. See the ring! He's got one too.
CARLY: Where did you find it, Rings R Us? That proves exactly nothing.
HAYDEN: Why is this ANY of your business as long as I pay for my room?
CARLY: Cuz Jake here is my FRIEND and when I think my FRIEND is getting SCREWED OVER, I GET PISSED OFF!
HAYDEN: So you aren't buying the ring, but I have a wedding picture. See?
CARLY: So you know how to use Photoshop.
HAYDEN: Medical records.
LIZ: I wanna see those. I'm a nurse so I can read doctors' handwriting.
HAYDEN: (hands Liz the medical records)
CARLY: Now answer me this: Where were you in OCTOBER, when Jake was RUN OVER BY A FRIGGIN' CAR??? Weren't you a little CONCERNED when he DIDN'T COME BACK?
HAYDEN: He threw his wedding ring at me so I thought we were finished.
CARLY: FIVE FRIGGIN' MONTHS! You took FIVE FRIGGIN' MONTHS to be like, "Guess what? MAYBE SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HIM???
LIZ: This is interesting. Jake Barnes had the exact same brain surgery that you had, Jake. These medical records belong to you and Hayden really is your wife.
CARLY: So? Everybody has had brain surgery at some point or another in this town. Brain surgeries and gunshot wounds are what keep this hospital in business. Not to mention Route 31, where every single accident occurs.
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
LUKE: Breakfast, darling niece. It looks like you are a little tied up at the moment. Well, it's a necessary evil. But, I'll be a good uncle and take the duct tape off. (takes tape off of Valerie's mouth) RRRRRIP! Now have some scrambled eggs.
VALERIE: (bites Luke) You psycho! I bet those eggs are poisoned.
LUKE: Now that wasn't very nice, niece. The last time I bit someone, I ended up in the loony bin. Of course, I practically bit off the guy's ear.
VALERIE: Who let you out of your cage?
LUKE: Ha ha ha! Now there's that Spencer sense of humor. How's about telling me where my big sis is.
VALERIE: How many times do I have to tell you she's DEAD!
LUKE: Still not buying it. Maybe my gullible wife and daughter can be had, but not Luke Spencer.
VALERIE: You want to find my mother because she knows something and you're trying to keep her quiet, right?
LUKE: Knows? Isn't it improper grammar to refer to the dead in the present tense.
VALERIE: Fine, she's alive, but I'm not telling you where she is just so you can kill her.
LUKE: Okay, if that's the way you want to play it, I'll kill YOU instead.
VALERIE: You would kill a member of your own family? (Unties rope behind her back, gets up and pushes Luke over. Picks up ringing phone) HELP ME!!!
LUKE: Nice try (disconnects phone)
KELLY'S
DANTE: So Patricia is dead?
LULU: That's what my cousin Valerie said. Valerie is Patricia's daughter.
DANTE: What was she like?
LULU: She seemed nice, but she was acting very weird, like there was something going on in her apartment that she didn't want Tracy and I to discover.
DANTE: What did Tracy think of her?
LULU: Tracy thinks she's hiding something. We heard a noise while we were there that Valerie said was her cat, but Tracy isn't buying it.
DANTE: Did it sound like there was someone there? Someone like Luke?
LULU: OMG! I have to call Valerie to make sure my dad hasn't killed her!
COURTHOUSE
SCOTT: So I went to Shadybrook and it sounded like Franco was legitimately bonkers. He mistook me, his own father, for a MONKEY!
FRANCO: A Mon-Chi-Chi, pop!
SCOTT: But as we got to talking, he told me that the dose of LSD that he injected into himself to avoid a prison sentence had worn off and the crazypants act was a piece of performance art.
FRANCO: Dammit!
SCOTT: I'm sorry, son, but I'm doing my job as a district attorney.
FRANCO: You sold me out. Now my 10 year old lawyer is going to get me sent back to shiv city.
SCOTT: Don't underestimate Sully. He looks like a 4th grader, but he can lawyer with the best of 'em. He'll find a way to blame this all on your mother. It's called the Sigmund Freud defense.
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: What did Jake mean? Was he talking about MY wedding ring?
PATRICK: Sam, the guy suffers from terminal confusion. Who knows why he was talking about rings with you.
SAM: He was in here the night he tried to murder us and he saw the Phoenix and he apparently opened the canister while we were having shower sex and only found one ring.
DANNY: Mommy! Can I play? Hey mister, are you Daddy?
PATRICK: No, Danny, I'm not your daddy, but I'm your best buddy. How's that.
DANNY: Okay.
METROCOURT
LIZ: It looks like you and Hayden are married. Nice knowing you, Jake.
JAKE: Don't go, Uhlizabeth! I'm not in love with Hayden. I'm in love with you.
LIZ: But you need to try to make something work with your wife. I don't want to be anybody's mistress.
JAKE: Can you at least kiss me goodbye?
COURTHOUSE
ALEXIS: Your honor, my client was faking her mental breakdown in a horribly misguided attempt to help her dear friend and fellow mental patient Franco.
NINA: This is sabotage! You're going to get me sent back to the funny farm!
ALEXIS: Nina has learned her lesson and she has regained her grip on reality.
JUDGE: I'm going to have to think about this one.
NINA: Hey judge, can I say something?
ALEXIS: Nina, zip it! If you want to be released from Shadybrook, put a sock in your piehole.
NINA: May I please sit in that box, your honor?
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
NINA: Your honor, I just wanted to let you know that Ava Jerome's baby is (sees Franco)
FRANCO: Free as a bird!
NINA: Ava Jerome's baby is Ava's and not mine. I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused when I was pretending to be wackadoo.
JUDGE: You may be seated, Mrs. Clay. I move that Mrs. Clay be sprung from the nuthouse.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
If The Ring Fits...
Google 101, taught by Damien Spinelli. Curriculum includes how to spot a fake wife and how to find long-lost family members. Ric finds a fake pre-accident Jake and sets up a photo shoot for fake lovey-dovey pix of Jake and Hayden, married couple. He also furnishes a fake wedding ring. Meanwhile, Sam knocks over her wedding ring canister during wild sex with Patrick and remembers Jake saying "There was only one ring" before going in for his Kotex Microchipectomy surgery. Alexis testifies that Nina was faking crazy before her previous hearing. Spinelli's pushiness puts Maxie off. Carly goes Alpha Female on Liz and drags her to the MetroCourt to spy on Jake and Hayden.
METROCOURT
RIC: Good morning, Hayden! Here's your proof. I hired a Fake Jake for the photo shoot. This is Jake before the plastic surgery. Fake Jake, put on this here fake wedding ring for the fake pictures.
HAYDEN: You have all your fake bases covered...except for the internet. Have you planted fake hits on Google for "Hayden and Jacob Barnes"?
RIC: I knew I forgot something. Oh well, it's not like Elizabeth knows how to turn on a computer. I've never even seen her text.
HAYDEN: If you say so.
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: Oh look! Franco and Nina are in court today and could be set free to live among the rest of society. Even though my mom's defending Nina, I hope she loses.
PATRICK: That's the spirit. So are you moving in with me or what?
SAM: Jeez, Patrick, pressure much?
PATRICK: How else am I going to wake up to your boobs--I mean FACE--every morning?
SAM: Let's just have more sex.
LIZ'S HOUSE
CARLY: So, are you and Jake hitting the sheets yet?
LIZ: Mind your own business much, Carly? Turns out Jake has a wife.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAT????
LIZ: Her name is Hayden Barnes and his name is Jacob Barnes.
CARLY: NO! His last name is DOE, dammit! Like a female deer in the headlights that needs fixing. If this Hayden person is his wife, where has she been for the last FIVE FRIGGIN' MONTHS?
LIZ: She says they had a fight and she thought he left her. News apparently travels very slowly in Beechers Corners. She just now found out about the Haunted Star bombing.
CARLY: Come ON Elizabeth! This has Helena written all over it. We have to go to the MetroCourt and stop this con woman-slash-Helena plant and rescue Jake.
LIZ: And I'm going along with you because...
CARLY: Because YOU want Jake back, right? You're coming with me if I have to carry your 90 lb ass on my back.
METROCOURT
RIC: So, all the proof is in your hands. Good luck.
JAKE: Knock Knock. Hayden, it's Jake.
HAYDEN: Uh oh! He's early. DO SOMETHING!
RIC: Distract him and I'll hide.
HAYDEN: Hi Jake, honey. I was just doing my makeup. How do I look?
JAKE: You look nice. So, where's the proof that you're my wife?
HAYDEN: It's on the balcony.
JAKE: The balcony?
HAYDEN: Come on, Jake. Let's go see the beautiful view.
JAKE: We're on the balcony. Where's the proof?
HAYDEN: Dang it! It was in the room all along. Here it is.
JAKE: Marriage license, social security card, health insurance...and the pictures?
HAYDEN: This is us on our wedding day.
JAKE: Where's my wedding ring?
HAYDEN: You threw it at me when we had our fight and I kept it. If it fits, you are indeed my hubby.
JAKE: It fits.
HAYDEN: Kiss me, Jake!
KELLY'S
MOLLY: Hi Dad! Mind if TJ joins us?
RIC: Not at all. How's my favorite daughter?
MOLLY: That depends. How did you do with your online dating?
RIC: I went out on a date.
MOLLY: That's awesome! How did it go?
RIC: She was married.
MOLLY: Bummer! I'm so sorry Dad.
RIC: It's not your fault. These things happen.
TJ: So what did you do when you found out your date was married?
RIC: Oh, I just asked to see the proof. Kidding! I just left.
MOLLY: Keep at it. You'll find someone.
RIC: I'm sure I will. You've helped me more than you'll ever know, Molly.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
SPINELLI: Maximista! It is most enchanting to see you and our young offspring.
MAXIE: Is this your idea of giving me space, Spinelli? I'm still pissed at you for challenging Nathan to a duel with me as the prize.
SPINELLI: Speaking of the muscular detective, I take it he is no longer in the running for your affections?
MAXIE: You take it wrong. Nathan and I haven't broken up. We haven't not broken up either.
SPINELLI: Were my eyes deceiving me or did I not witness him bowing out?
MAXIE: Don't you get it, Spinelli? It's not a contest and I'm not a giant stuffed panda!
SPINELLI: Deepest apologies, Maxie. I have erred and I shall repent.
MAXIE: Can you repent somewhere else? I need to take Georgie home.
COURTHOUSE
NINA: JAY! I'm always happy to see you! Something's wrong.
NATHAN: Nothing's wrong Nina.
NINA: I know when something's wrong with my little brother and something is definitely wrong. Tell your big sissy all about it.
NATHAN: Things are complicated between Maxie and me.
NINA: Did Maxie break up with you because of that guy Spiconi?
NATHAN: It's Spinelli and he's part of the problem, but there's more to it than that. Never mind my problems. You need to stay sane for this hearing.
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: That was some sex!
PATRICK: You can say that again!
SAM: Uh oh! I knocked over the canister with my wedding ring in it. OMG, that's what Jake was saying before his brain surgery!
PATRICK: Jake was talking about knocking over canisters?
SAM: No, he said "There was only one ring"
PATRICK: What's that supposed to mean?
COURTHOUSE
FRANCO: You told Alexis that you were faking your crazy? Why did you tell her that?
NINA: She cornered me and I didn't know what to say.
FRANCO: That's okay. I told my dad I was faking.
NINA: But your dad's the D.A.
FRANCO: Yeah, but he's also my dad.
NATHAN: I gotta go. Sloane called some emergency meeting. Good luck, sis.
NINA: Thank you for coming, Jay.
ALEXIS: It's showtime, Nina. You know what you need to do.
JUDGE: If Nina went off her rocker last time she had a hearing, how am I supposed to rule that she has recovered.
ALEXIS: It turns out that Nina is also an actress. She was...acting.
KELLY'S
RIC: You look familiar...
FAKE JAKE/PETE: Dude, you owe me. Buy me lunch
METROCOURT
RIC: Good morning, Hayden! Here's your proof. I hired a Fake Jake for the photo shoot. This is Jake before the plastic surgery. Fake Jake, put on this here fake wedding ring for the fake pictures.
HAYDEN: You have all your fake bases covered...except for the internet. Have you planted fake hits on Google for "Hayden and Jacob Barnes"?
RIC: I knew I forgot something. Oh well, it's not like Elizabeth knows how to turn on a computer. I've never even seen her text.
HAYDEN: If you say so.
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: Oh look! Franco and Nina are in court today and could be set free to live among the rest of society. Even though my mom's defending Nina, I hope she loses.
PATRICK: That's the spirit. So are you moving in with me or what?
SAM: Jeez, Patrick, pressure much?
PATRICK: How else am I going to wake up to your boobs--I mean FACE--every morning?
SAM: Let's just have more sex.
LIZ'S HOUSE
CARLY: So, are you and Jake hitting the sheets yet?
LIZ: Mind your own business much, Carly? Turns out Jake has a wife.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAT????
LIZ: Her name is Hayden Barnes and his name is Jacob Barnes.
CARLY: NO! His last name is DOE, dammit! Like a female deer in the headlights that needs fixing. If this Hayden person is his wife, where has she been for the last FIVE FRIGGIN' MONTHS?
LIZ: She says they had a fight and she thought he left her. News apparently travels very slowly in Beechers Corners. She just now found out about the Haunted Star bombing.
CARLY: Come ON Elizabeth! This has Helena written all over it. We have to go to the MetroCourt and stop this con woman-slash-Helena plant and rescue Jake.
LIZ: And I'm going along with you because...
CARLY: Because YOU want Jake back, right? You're coming with me if I have to carry your 90 lb ass on my back.
METROCOURT
RIC: So, all the proof is in your hands. Good luck.
JAKE: Knock Knock. Hayden, it's Jake.
HAYDEN: Uh oh! He's early. DO SOMETHING!
RIC: Distract him and I'll hide.
HAYDEN: Hi Jake, honey. I was just doing my makeup. How do I look?
JAKE: You look nice. So, where's the proof that you're my wife?
HAYDEN: It's on the balcony.
JAKE: The balcony?
HAYDEN: Come on, Jake. Let's go see the beautiful view.
JAKE: We're on the balcony. Where's the proof?
HAYDEN: Dang it! It was in the room all along. Here it is.
JAKE: Marriage license, social security card, health insurance...and the pictures?
HAYDEN: This is us on our wedding day.
JAKE: Where's my wedding ring?
HAYDEN: You threw it at me when we had our fight and I kept it. If it fits, you are indeed my hubby.
JAKE: It fits.
HAYDEN: Kiss me, Jake!
KELLY'S
MOLLY: Hi Dad! Mind if TJ joins us?
RIC: Not at all. How's my favorite daughter?
MOLLY: That depends. How did you do with your online dating?
RIC: I went out on a date.
MOLLY: That's awesome! How did it go?
RIC: She was married.
MOLLY: Bummer! I'm so sorry Dad.
RIC: It's not your fault. These things happen.
TJ: So what did you do when you found out your date was married?
RIC: Oh, I just asked to see the proof. Kidding! I just left.
MOLLY: Keep at it. You'll find someone.
RIC: I'm sure I will. You've helped me more than you'll ever know, Molly.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
SPINELLI: Maximista! It is most enchanting to see you and our young offspring.
MAXIE: Is this your idea of giving me space, Spinelli? I'm still pissed at you for challenging Nathan to a duel with me as the prize.
SPINELLI: Speaking of the muscular detective, I take it he is no longer in the running for your affections?
MAXIE: You take it wrong. Nathan and I haven't broken up. We haven't not broken up either.
SPINELLI: Were my eyes deceiving me or did I not witness him bowing out?
MAXIE: Don't you get it, Spinelli? It's not a contest and I'm not a giant stuffed panda!
SPINELLI: Deepest apologies, Maxie. I have erred and I shall repent.
MAXIE: Can you repent somewhere else? I need to take Georgie home.
COURTHOUSE
NINA: JAY! I'm always happy to see you! Something's wrong.
NATHAN: Nothing's wrong Nina.
NINA: I know when something's wrong with my little brother and something is definitely wrong. Tell your big sissy all about it.
NATHAN: Things are complicated between Maxie and me.
NINA: Did Maxie break up with you because of that guy Spiconi?
NATHAN: It's Spinelli and he's part of the problem, but there's more to it than that. Never mind my problems. You need to stay sane for this hearing.
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: That was some sex!
PATRICK: You can say that again!
SAM: Uh oh! I knocked over the canister with my wedding ring in it. OMG, that's what Jake was saying before his brain surgery!
PATRICK: Jake was talking about knocking over canisters?
SAM: No, he said "There was only one ring"
PATRICK: What's that supposed to mean?
COURTHOUSE
FRANCO: You told Alexis that you were faking your crazy? Why did you tell her that?
NINA: She cornered me and I didn't know what to say.
FRANCO: That's okay. I told my dad I was faking.
NINA: But your dad's the D.A.
FRANCO: Yeah, but he's also my dad.
NATHAN: I gotta go. Sloane called some emergency meeting. Good luck, sis.
NINA: Thank you for coming, Jay.
ALEXIS: It's showtime, Nina. You know what you need to do.
JUDGE: If Nina went off her rocker last time she had a hearing, how am I supposed to rule that she has recovered.
ALEXIS: It turns out that Nina is also an actress. She was...acting.
KELLY'S
RIC: You look familiar...
FAKE JAKE/PETE: Dude, you owe me. Buy me lunch
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
The Parent Pretzel, or Pass the Brain Bleach!
Poor Sam, having to walk in on her parents having living room sex! For her part, Alexis is just as embarrassed that her daughter's boyfriend saw her nipple. Valerie manages to shoo Lulu and Tracy away, but Luke and his gun refused to budge. Meanwhile, Tracy is suspicious that Valerie is hiding something--or someone--from them. Olivia is having second thoughts about keeping her baby from his or her real daddy. While Hayden reports to Ric and asks him to provide her with the proof she needs to satisfy Liz's suspicions, Jake and Liz lament that Hayden might really be Jake's wife.
SAM'S LIVING ROOM
JULIAN: Come here, sexy mama!
ALEXIS: Why do I find mobsters so damn attractive? (living room sex ensues)
SAM: OMG. Cannot. Unsee. Brain. Bleach. Now.
PATRICK: Man, does our timing suck.
ALEXIS: Hold on a second. Let me get decent. I thought you were in Boston.
PATRICK: We were in Boston. Now we're back. Spencer needed his space.
SAM: Apparently, so do I.
ALEXIS: I'm dressed, Sam. How is Spencer. Is he okay?
SAM: He's freaked out about his scars, but otherwise he's fine. By the way, thanks, Dad, for hiring Jake.
ALEXIS: As in the hostage-taking, boat-blasting, intruder with a gun Jake?
SAM: He was under your psycho stepmother's control when he did those things, remember?
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
VALERIE: You guys really need to go now.
TRACY: What's that noise? Who do you have stashed in this house, Jimmy Hoffa?
VALERIE: (to herself) Close (to Tracy & Lulu) That's my cat...Gunnar.
LULU: Here, kitty kitty!
VALERIE: I wouldn't do that if I were you. He can't stand people. He's a completely misanthropic cat. Well, it's been real. Gunnar and I need to catch up on Southwest General and feed all of Calcutta.
LULU: Keep in touch.
RIC'S HOTEL ROOM
HAYDEN: Knock knock! Guess who got a starring role as Jake's wife?
RIC: They bought it? Well done.
HAYDEN: Show me the money.
RIC: (hands Hayden the envelope): Here you go.
HAYDEN: That's it? Cheapskate!
RIC: You'll get more once you spirit Jake out of town and out of Elizabeth's life for good.
HAYDEN: One little problem. Elizabeth demands proof.
RIC: It's all in this here folder. Marriage license, social security card, health insurance, what more do you need?
HAYDEN: Pictures. How are your photoshop skills?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: So you really have a wife. Are you sure you don't remember her?
JAKE: Positive. She's a complete stranger to me. Dr. Drake said my memory was completely shot.
LIZ: But what if it's true. What if you're married? That would totally suck, wouldn't it?
JAKE: Totally. Hayden's nice looking enough, but I don't feel anything for her. You're the only one I have feelings for.
LIZ: We were so close to being happy together. As usual, I have the worst timing with men.
DINER IN PENNSYLVANIA
TRACY: Valerie's hiding something. I know it. She was in such a hurry to get rid of us.
LULU: To be fair, we did descend on her out of the blue and force our way into her home and start asking her questions about her dead mother.
TRACY: About that, I'm not so sure Patricia is really dead. Maybe she's stashing her in some closet. I bet she doesn't have a cat either.
LULU: No cat?
TRACY: Did you see any hairballs lying around the house?
LULU: But Valerie seemed so nice. And she's my cousin too.
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
LUKE: Hey, niece, that sure took long enough.
VALERIE: Those women wouldn't take no for an answer. For what it's worth, they're really worried about you.
LUKE: Pfffft!
VALERIE: So, you can leave anytime now. Take your gun with you.
LUKE: Not until you tell me where your mother is.
VALERIE: I told you, she's dead. Would I lie about that?
LUKE: Would you?
VALERIE: Get lost, psycho!
LUKE: I don't think so. I'm going to stay put right here until you tell me where you've stashed my sister.
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: I am traumatized for life. This cannot happen again. I cannot walk in on my parents...I can't even say it!
PATRICK: Move in with me and I can promise me that you will never again be traumatized by The Parent Pretzel.
SAM: I don't know. How would Emma feel?
PATRICK: Emma thinks you're awesome. She'd love it.
SAM: But you and Robin lived in that house together.
PATRICK: I'm laying on the bed you shared with Jason, so we're even.
SAM: I'll sleep on it. How about we sleep on it together.
SAM'S LIVING ROOM
JULIAN: Move in with me, Alexis. Living room sex won't be a problem in MY living room.
ALEXIS: What about Molly? She still kinda hates you.
JULIAN: Let her move in with Ric.
ALEXIS: Over my dead body! I don't trust Ric as far as I can throw him.
JULIAN: So, you don't want to move in with me because Molly hates me and you don't trust Ric.
ALEXIS: Uh huh.
JULIAN: So no more living room sex? Ever?
ALEXIS: Ever heard of bedroom sex? Beds are a little more comfortable anyway.
KELLY'S
OLIVIA: Julian attempted the prego belly grab. Was so not cool with that, but I felt a little bad because he was kinda un-mobstery about it.
NED: So are you having second thoughts about the Ned's The Daddy: The Sequel?
OLIVIA: I hate lying about it, but Julian is in a dangerous business and I don't want my kid the target of mob violence.
NED: So, the kid's a Q and gets a spacious nursery in the Q mansion with all the Q trappings. We Qs love our little ones, until they can walk and talk and then we SORAS them into teenagers. Why we skip the stage where they're still cute instead of the stage where they hate us and want to rebel is a mystery to me.
OLIVIA: I'll think about this Baby Q thing. As long as I don't have a house full of prego belly grabbers.
SAM'S LIVING ROOM
JULIAN: Come here, sexy mama!
ALEXIS: Why do I find mobsters so damn attractive? (living room sex ensues)
SAM: OMG. Cannot. Unsee. Brain. Bleach. Now.
PATRICK: Man, does our timing suck.
ALEXIS: Hold on a second. Let me get decent. I thought you were in Boston.
PATRICK: We were in Boston. Now we're back. Spencer needed his space.
SAM: Apparently, so do I.
ALEXIS: I'm dressed, Sam. How is Spencer. Is he okay?
SAM: He's freaked out about his scars, but otherwise he's fine. By the way, thanks, Dad, for hiring Jake.
ALEXIS: As in the hostage-taking, boat-blasting, intruder with a gun Jake?
SAM: He was under your psycho stepmother's control when he did those things, remember?
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
VALERIE: You guys really need to go now.
TRACY: What's that noise? Who do you have stashed in this house, Jimmy Hoffa?
VALERIE: (to herself) Close (to Tracy & Lulu) That's my cat...Gunnar.
LULU: Here, kitty kitty!
VALERIE: I wouldn't do that if I were you. He can't stand people. He's a completely misanthropic cat. Well, it's been real. Gunnar and I need to catch up on Southwest General and feed all of Calcutta.
LULU: Keep in touch.
RIC'S HOTEL ROOM
HAYDEN: Knock knock! Guess who got a starring role as Jake's wife?
RIC: They bought it? Well done.
HAYDEN: Show me the money.
RIC: (hands Hayden the envelope): Here you go.
HAYDEN: That's it? Cheapskate!
RIC: You'll get more once you spirit Jake out of town and out of Elizabeth's life for good.
HAYDEN: One little problem. Elizabeth demands proof.
RIC: It's all in this here folder. Marriage license, social security card, health insurance, what more do you need?
HAYDEN: Pictures. How are your photoshop skills?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: So you really have a wife. Are you sure you don't remember her?
JAKE: Positive. She's a complete stranger to me. Dr. Drake said my memory was completely shot.
LIZ: But what if it's true. What if you're married? That would totally suck, wouldn't it?
JAKE: Totally. Hayden's nice looking enough, but I don't feel anything for her. You're the only one I have feelings for.
LIZ: We were so close to being happy together. As usual, I have the worst timing with men.
DINER IN PENNSYLVANIA
TRACY: Valerie's hiding something. I know it. She was in such a hurry to get rid of us.
LULU: To be fair, we did descend on her out of the blue and force our way into her home and start asking her questions about her dead mother.
TRACY: About that, I'm not so sure Patricia is really dead. Maybe she's stashing her in some closet. I bet she doesn't have a cat either.
LULU: No cat?
TRACY: Did you see any hairballs lying around the house?
LULU: But Valerie seemed so nice. And she's my cousin too.
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
LUKE: Hey, niece, that sure took long enough.
VALERIE: Those women wouldn't take no for an answer. For what it's worth, they're really worried about you.
LUKE: Pfffft!
VALERIE: So, you can leave anytime now. Take your gun with you.
LUKE: Not until you tell me where your mother is.
VALERIE: I told you, she's dead. Would I lie about that?
LUKE: Would you?
VALERIE: Get lost, psycho!
LUKE: I don't think so. I'm going to stay put right here until you tell me where you've stashed my sister.
SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM: I am traumatized for life. This cannot happen again. I cannot walk in on my parents...I can't even say it!
PATRICK: Move in with me and I can promise me that you will never again be traumatized by The Parent Pretzel.
SAM: I don't know. How would Emma feel?
PATRICK: Emma thinks you're awesome. She'd love it.
SAM: But you and Robin lived in that house together.
PATRICK: I'm laying on the bed you shared with Jason, so we're even.
SAM: I'll sleep on it. How about we sleep on it together.
SAM'S LIVING ROOM
JULIAN: Move in with me, Alexis. Living room sex won't be a problem in MY living room.
ALEXIS: What about Molly? She still kinda hates you.
JULIAN: Let her move in with Ric.
ALEXIS: Over my dead body! I don't trust Ric as far as I can throw him.
JULIAN: So, you don't want to move in with me because Molly hates me and you don't trust Ric.
ALEXIS: Uh huh.
JULIAN: So no more living room sex? Ever?
ALEXIS: Ever heard of bedroom sex? Beds are a little more comfortable anyway.
KELLY'S
OLIVIA: Julian attempted the prego belly grab. Was so not cool with that, but I felt a little bad because he was kinda un-mobstery about it.
NED: So are you having second thoughts about the Ned's The Daddy: The Sequel?
OLIVIA: I hate lying about it, but Julian is in a dangerous business and I don't want my kid the target of mob violence.
NED: So, the kid's a Q and gets a spacious nursery in the Q mansion with all the Q trappings. We Qs love our little ones, until they can walk and talk and then we SORAS them into teenagers. Why we skip the stage where they're still cute instead of the stage where they hate us and want to rebel is a mystery to me.
OLIVIA: I'll think about this Baby Q thing. As long as I don't have a house full of prego belly grabbers.
Monday, March 23, 2015
As The Luke Lurks...
...The Tracy and The Lulu make their way into the newest Spencer's apartment. Valerie insists that her mom clammed up about the past because, you know, lurking Luke with gun. Ava begs Silas to channel Dr. Kevorkian and end her suffering. Maura West and Michael Easton really brought it in those scenes. Michael slugs Morgan as disowned younger bro sneaks up and switches older bro's meds. Julian offers to help Kiki, but Kiki is still going for Plan Morgan, even with her recently-discovered misgivings about, I don't know, putting Avery in harm's way? Maxie rips Nathan for trying to force Spin out of the picture. Jake's long lost wife's sad tale doesn't sit well with Liz. Julian literally runs into prego Olivia coming out of Kelly's.
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
LULU: Please, Cousin Val, help us out! We have to fix my dad.
TRACY: Surely you have five minutes to help us figure out why my hubby went off his rocker?
VALERIE: I really wish I could help, but I'm kind of in the middle of ending world hunger while binge-watching Southwest General.
LULU: So your mom never mentioned her brother Luke, not even once?
VALERIE: I didn't even know I HAD an uncle Luke until five minutes ago. As far as I knew, my mom was an only child.
LURKING LUKE: That's it, sweet niece. Stick to the story and you'll live. Maybe.
TRACY: Please, please PLEASE help us! My husband tried to blow up a BOAT with a bunch of people on it.
VALERIE: I wish I could help you, but my mother told me next to nothing about her past. When I asked her questions, she changed the subject.
LULU: Look, cuz, I'm sorry we barged in on you. Stop by Port Chuckles and I'll introduce you to some hot guys. My bestie could be dumping one as we speak.
VALERIE: I'll consider it. In the meantime, starving children in India are counting on me and the last eppy of Southwest General was a cliffhanger.
LURKING LUKE: Oops! Stupid door.
TRACY: What was that?
SECRET GREEN DOOM ROOM
AVA: Silas, please kill me. End my suffering. I'm dying of cancer and my family already thinks I'm dead, so what's the diff?
SILAS: It's illegal.
AVA: And harboring a fugitive isn't?
SILAS: This is murder.
AVA: Not if I'm asking you to do it. Come on, Silas. Get your Kevorkian on. How long would I have to live otherwise? A year, six months?
SILAS: Three months.
AVA: All the more reason to put me to sleep. Let me hang on to the good memories of when we were together.
SILAS: I'm not putting you down like you were a dog, Ava. I can't help you end your life.
AVA: Fine, then I'll do it myself. Of course, it won't be nearly as peaceful, but what do I have to live for, really, Silas? My daughters think I'm dead and in three months I will be.
SILAS: But, I sorta kinda...um...care...about you...deeply
AVA: Then you don't want to see me suffer though all this stupid chemo, right?
SILAS: DAMMIT, AVA, I LOVE YOU!
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: What are YOU doing here?
MORGAN: Dude, I'm just visiting my little sister AVERY.
MICHAEL: HER NAME IS AJ. You are no longer her little sister. You, Kiki, Sonny, Carly, BANNED from visiting MY baby sister.
MORGAN: Are you hungry, bro? I have a knuckle sandwich for you. (punches Michael)
MICHAEL: Knuckle sandwich this, rat bastard! (punches Morgan)
MORGAN: Bring it, MIKEY! (more fisticuffs ensue)
NED: Break it up, boys! There's a baby in the house, and I'm not talking about the one in Olivia's uterus that I'm pretending to be the father of.
GYM
MAXIE: Nathan, what the? You totally broke Spinelli!
NATHAN: Maxie, this isn't what it looks like.
MAXIE: It looks like you were kicking Spinelli's ass so you could win the grand prize: ME!
NATHAN: It was his idea.
MAXIE: Spinelli decided to let you beat him up. Even I'm not that stupid. Spinelli, did you challenge Nathan to a prize fight where I was the prize?
SPINELLI: Is two plus two six?
MAXIE: Sonny, was it Spinelli's idea to get his lights punched out by Nathan?
SONNY: Don't look at me. I'm just the towel boy for Jason's geek squad.
MAXIE: Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?
NATHAN: Maxie, it's very simple. I love one person. You. You claim you love two people, me and Spinelli. I'm into monogamy. You're into this pluralistic thing. We're just not a good fit.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Wait, you're Jake's WIFE?
HAYDEN: Damn straight. Jake, I missed you so much!
JAKE: Who the hell are you?
HAYDEN: I'm Hayden Barnes. Your friggin' WIFE! Okay, that came out wrong. I heard you were in a car accident that wiped out your memory.
LIZ: We'll see about that.
HAYDEN: Are you going to let me in. It's Upstate New York in March.
LIZ: Fine, but I have a crapload of questions for you. Like, Jake's accident was in OCTOBER. It is now MARCH. You took FIVE GODDAMN MONTHS to figure out your hubby was missing?
HAYDEN: Well, we got into a huge fight and he needed his space. Besides, Beechers Corners is still stuck in the 19th century and we rely on Pony Express for our news. I found out, like, last week that he was in an accident.
LIZ: Yeah, and I'm Violet, the Dowager Countess of Grantham.
JAKE: Um, Uhlizabeth, if it helps, I don't know this woman from a hole in the wall.
HAYDEN: Jake, yes that actually is your real name. Jacob Barnes. You go by Jake.
JAKE: No wonder I remember the name Jake.
LIZ: How do I know a certain person with a vested interest in Jake's disappearance from my house didn't, I don't know, hire you to make all this up. I can think of at least two people who would pull something like this. Where's the proof?
HAYDEN: The proof is in my hotel room at the Metro Court. A woman named Carly says hi, by the way.
LIZ: Okay, three people.
KELLY'S
JULIAN: Hey recently-discovered niece. What's so intriguing on the interwebs?
KIKI: Uncle Julian, this is a surprise.
JULIAN: I decided to lend you a hand in getting my other niece away from one Michael Quartermaine and back into the Jerome fold.
KIKI: Thanks, Uncle Julian, but Morgan and I have it covered.
JULIAN: What's the plan? If it's anything illegal, Uncle J's your guy.
KIKI: Thanks, Uncle Julian. If I change my mind, I'll be in touch.
Q MANSION
NED: Hey, Michael, I forgot to congratulate you on snagging Baby AJ away from Sonny.
MICHAEL: I should be congratulating you. Aaaaaaaa-choo! Congrats on getting a baby au naturel.
NED: You're talking about me and Liv, right? It was certainly unplanned. Who knew the shop stayed open a little later for Quartermaines?
MICHAEL: Aaaaaaaaa-choo! Damn allergies!
NED: Are you on meds? Claritin, Allegra, Zyrtec?
MICHAEL: Yeah, I just went down to the Port Chuckles CVS and refilled my perscription. There was a very strange British woman there in a neck brace. She kept asking if I had seen some doctor named Martin.
NED: You haven't been acquainted with Mrs. Tishell* yet? Word is, she was paid a large sum of money by a mysterious group of people to flee her home country. I smell Cassadine involvement, with a side of Jerry Jacks.
MICHAEL: I'll have to--aaaaaaaaaachoo!--check that out.
KELLY'S
MORGAN: Voila! Mikey's allergy meds!
KIKI: What happened? Did you run afoul of The Dominator?
MORGAN: Are you kidding me? The Dominator and I are thick as thieves. She's the one who let me in. Michael was the one who bloodied my lip.
KIKI: Was he wasted when he slugged you?
MORGAN: No, but it's only a matter of time before he will be and we get Avery back.
KIKI: What if he hurts Avery while he's trashed?
MORGAN: He won't hurt Avery. I don't think... Just to be safe, I swiped all the candles in the house. I heard what happened over on Spoon Island.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
OLIVIA: Careful with the precious cargo.
JULIAN: Olivia? Are you sure said precious cargo doesn't come with the Jerome insignia?
OLIVIA: Keep dreaming, Julian. This future Pele is all Q'ed up.
NED: That's right. I'm the daddy! How's my little future CEO?
OLIVIA: Making some serious noise about a corporate takeover. See ya, Julian.
* Mrs. Tishell is a character on the hilarious and brilliant British TV series Doc Martin, which takes place in a fishing village in Cornwall, England, where the title character is a grumpy doctor with a fear of blood. Worth a watch on Netflix.
VALERIE'S APARTMENT
LULU: Please, Cousin Val, help us out! We have to fix my dad.
TRACY: Surely you have five minutes to help us figure out why my hubby went off his rocker?
VALERIE: I really wish I could help, but I'm kind of in the middle of ending world hunger while binge-watching Southwest General.
LULU: So your mom never mentioned her brother Luke, not even once?
VALERIE: I didn't even know I HAD an uncle Luke until five minutes ago. As far as I knew, my mom was an only child.
LURKING LUKE: That's it, sweet niece. Stick to the story and you'll live. Maybe.
TRACY: Please, please PLEASE help us! My husband tried to blow up a BOAT with a bunch of people on it.
VALERIE: I wish I could help you, but my mother told me next to nothing about her past. When I asked her questions, she changed the subject.
LULU: Look, cuz, I'm sorry we barged in on you. Stop by Port Chuckles and I'll introduce you to some hot guys. My bestie could be dumping one as we speak.
VALERIE: I'll consider it. In the meantime, starving children in India are counting on me and the last eppy of Southwest General was a cliffhanger.
LURKING LUKE: Oops! Stupid door.
TRACY: What was that?
SECRET GREEN DOOM ROOM
AVA: Silas, please kill me. End my suffering. I'm dying of cancer and my family already thinks I'm dead, so what's the diff?
SILAS: It's illegal.
AVA: And harboring a fugitive isn't?
SILAS: This is murder.
AVA: Not if I'm asking you to do it. Come on, Silas. Get your Kevorkian on. How long would I have to live otherwise? A year, six months?
SILAS: Three months.
AVA: All the more reason to put me to sleep. Let me hang on to the good memories of when we were together.
SILAS: I'm not putting you down like you were a dog, Ava. I can't help you end your life.
AVA: Fine, then I'll do it myself. Of course, it won't be nearly as peaceful, but what do I have to live for, really, Silas? My daughters think I'm dead and in three months I will be.
SILAS: But, I sorta kinda...um...care...about you...deeply
AVA: Then you don't want to see me suffer though all this stupid chemo, right?
SILAS: DAMMIT, AVA, I LOVE YOU!
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: What are YOU doing here?
MORGAN: Dude, I'm just visiting my little sister AVERY.
MICHAEL: HER NAME IS AJ. You are no longer her little sister. You, Kiki, Sonny, Carly, BANNED from visiting MY baby sister.
MORGAN: Are you hungry, bro? I have a knuckle sandwich for you. (punches Michael)
MICHAEL: Knuckle sandwich this, rat bastard! (punches Morgan)
MORGAN: Bring it, MIKEY! (more fisticuffs ensue)
NED: Break it up, boys! There's a baby in the house, and I'm not talking about the one in Olivia's uterus that I'm pretending to be the father of.
GYM
MAXIE: Nathan, what the? You totally broke Spinelli!
NATHAN: Maxie, this isn't what it looks like.
MAXIE: It looks like you were kicking Spinelli's ass so you could win the grand prize: ME!
NATHAN: It was his idea.
MAXIE: Spinelli decided to let you beat him up. Even I'm not that stupid. Spinelli, did you challenge Nathan to a prize fight where I was the prize?
SPINELLI: Is two plus two six?
MAXIE: Sonny, was it Spinelli's idea to get his lights punched out by Nathan?
SONNY: Don't look at me. I'm just the towel boy for Jason's geek squad.
MAXIE: Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?
NATHAN: Maxie, it's very simple. I love one person. You. You claim you love two people, me and Spinelli. I'm into monogamy. You're into this pluralistic thing. We're just not a good fit.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Wait, you're Jake's WIFE?
HAYDEN: Damn straight. Jake, I missed you so much!
JAKE: Who the hell are you?
HAYDEN: I'm Hayden Barnes. Your friggin' WIFE! Okay, that came out wrong. I heard you were in a car accident that wiped out your memory.
LIZ: We'll see about that.
HAYDEN: Are you going to let me in. It's Upstate New York in March.
LIZ: Fine, but I have a crapload of questions for you. Like, Jake's accident was in OCTOBER. It is now MARCH. You took FIVE GODDAMN MONTHS to figure out your hubby was missing?
HAYDEN: Well, we got into a huge fight and he needed his space. Besides, Beechers Corners is still stuck in the 19th century and we rely on Pony Express for our news. I found out, like, last week that he was in an accident.
LIZ: Yeah, and I'm Violet, the Dowager Countess of Grantham.
JAKE: Um, Uhlizabeth, if it helps, I don't know this woman from a hole in the wall.
HAYDEN: Jake, yes that actually is your real name. Jacob Barnes. You go by Jake.
JAKE: No wonder I remember the name Jake.
LIZ: How do I know a certain person with a vested interest in Jake's disappearance from my house didn't, I don't know, hire you to make all this up. I can think of at least two people who would pull something like this. Where's the proof?
HAYDEN: The proof is in my hotel room at the Metro Court. A woman named Carly says hi, by the way.
LIZ: Okay, three people.
KELLY'S
JULIAN: Hey recently-discovered niece. What's so intriguing on the interwebs?
KIKI: Uncle Julian, this is a surprise.
JULIAN: I decided to lend you a hand in getting my other niece away from one Michael Quartermaine and back into the Jerome fold.
KIKI: Thanks, Uncle Julian, but Morgan and I have it covered.
JULIAN: What's the plan? If it's anything illegal, Uncle J's your guy.
KIKI: Thanks, Uncle Julian. If I change my mind, I'll be in touch.
Q MANSION
NED: Hey, Michael, I forgot to congratulate you on snagging Baby AJ away from Sonny.
MICHAEL: I should be congratulating you. Aaaaaaaa-choo! Congrats on getting a baby au naturel.
NED: You're talking about me and Liv, right? It was certainly unplanned. Who knew the shop stayed open a little later for Quartermaines?
MICHAEL: Aaaaaaaaa-choo! Damn allergies!
NED: Are you on meds? Claritin, Allegra, Zyrtec?
MICHAEL: Yeah, I just went down to the Port Chuckles CVS and refilled my perscription. There was a very strange British woman there in a neck brace. She kept asking if I had seen some doctor named Martin.
NED: You haven't been acquainted with Mrs. Tishell* yet? Word is, she was paid a large sum of money by a mysterious group of people to flee her home country. I smell Cassadine involvement, with a side of Jerry Jacks.
MICHAEL: I'll have to--aaaaaaaaaachoo!--check that out.
KELLY'S
MORGAN: Voila! Mikey's allergy meds!
KIKI: What happened? Did you run afoul of The Dominator?
MORGAN: Are you kidding me? The Dominator and I are thick as thieves. She's the one who let me in. Michael was the one who bloodied my lip.
KIKI: Was he wasted when he slugged you?
MORGAN: No, but it's only a matter of time before he will be and we get Avery back.
KIKI: What if he hurts Avery while he's trashed?
MORGAN: He won't hurt Avery. I don't think... Just to be safe, I swiped all the candles in the house. I heard what happened over on Spoon Island.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
OLIVIA: Careful with the precious cargo.
JULIAN: Olivia? Are you sure said precious cargo doesn't come with the Jerome insignia?
OLIVIA: Keep dreaming, Julian. This future Pele is all Q'ed up.
NED: That's right. I'm the daddy! How's my little future CEO?
OLIVIA: Making some serious noise about a corporate takeover. See ya, Julian.
* Mrs. Tishell is a character on the hilarious and brilliant British TV series Doc Martin, which takes place in a fishing village in Cornwall, England, where the title character is a grumpy doctor with a fear of blood. Worth a watch on Netflix.
Friday, March 20, 2015
A Really Bad Idea
Spinelli is able to spin out of the way of Nathan's jabs for three rounds, but the float went out of the butterfly in Round 4 and Nathan stung like a bee. Tracy and Lulu go to see Pat and meet Pat's daughter Valerie instead. Jake and Liz's first date is interrupted by a woman (played by Rebecca Budig) claiming to be Jake's wife. Silas gives Ava bad news about the chemo. Dante lets slip to Maxie about the "duel" between Nathan and Spinelli. Franco and Nina meet with Scott and Alexis to decide their respective futures
GYM
SONNY: Spinelli, my man, you've gotta wait Nathan out until he gets winded, then you lay one on him and TAKE HIM OUT. Got it? Let's practice.
SPINELLI: (Dodging Sonny's jabs) Are you winded yet, Mr. C?
SONNY: Are you sure you want to go through with this, Spinelli? The guy's got 50 pounds on you and all of it is muscle.
SPINELLI: Affirmative. This duel was my idea and I am most certainly going to see it to its completion. Or expire from the effort.
KELLY'S
NATHAN: Gotta go. Get this, Spinelli challenged me to a duel.
DANTE: What, is he kidding? No, that sounds exactly like the guy. You didn't actually ACCEPT the challenge, did you? You'll pummel the guy while he's flipping through the thesaurus in his brain.
NATHAN: I know, and I tried to talk him out of it, but he was insistent that it's the only fair way to decide who walks out of Maxie's life.
DANTE: This is a really bad idea.
SECRET GREEN BAD NEWS ROOM
AVA: Are those my labs? Is the chemo working?
SILAS: It's too early to tell, Ava.
AVA: BS, Silas. You know the results and you're afraid to tell me.
SILAS: Fine, Ava, the labs say you're getting worse.
AVA: So this torture is for nothing? It'll probably kill me before the cancer does.
SILAS: You just have to stick it out a little longer and give it a chance to work.
AVA: What's the point? My family thinks I'm already dead.
SILAS: It's the only chance you have to survive, Ava.
AVA: How much of a chance do I really have?
SILAS: Come on, Ava. Haven't I given you enough bad news for today?
AVA: Tell me the truth, dammit!
SILAS: Fine. The odds are against you.
AVA: Then just kill me now. I've already had my funeral for crying out loud!
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: So, am I a good kisser or what?
LIZ: Well, I've kissed a lot of men in this town. You weren't bad, but, you know what they say--practice makes perfect!
JAKE: That it does. I'm really into you, Uhlizabeth. Are you really into me?
LIZ: Until the next man who needs fixing comes along, sure!
JAKE: So what are we going to do about it?
LIZ: Light some candles and drink baby wine, of course!
JAKE: You mean, go on a date without even leaving the house? Sure, why not.
SHADYBROOK
FRANCO: Look, it's the earless monkey! You should have seen the gorilla who ate his ear!
SCOTT: Nice to see you too again, son.
ALEXIS: This is all very amusing, but I need a moment to meet with my client.
NINA: She's going make sure I get my bionic baby back.
SCOTT: I find it fascinating how quickly crazy can saturate a room. I should have worn earmuffs. FRANCO: Tell me, am I crazy? Crazy for feeling so lonely?
ALEXIS: Nina, you have a hearing coming up you need to show you've made a full recovery or there won't be another hearing.
NINA: Will Silas be there? Will he bring Bionic Jaime? I have to see my baby!
FRANCO: Isn't it ironic that you of all people are talking about a HEARING? You oughta know that if I were back in Pentonville I'd be shivved to death by the toothbrush brigade. Better the nuthouse than the Big House, right, Pops?
ALEXIS: Nina, are you understanding me? You, Nina Clay, could spend the rest of your life in an insane asylum instead of being free to start living your life again.
NINA: Like, come ON, Alexis. I was TOTALLY faking. Why doesn't someone hand me the Oscar already?
FRANCO: Hey Daddy-O, you know this has all been a piece of Franco Performance Art, right? I've been bogus bananas for weeks.
SCOTT: You mean your mother DIDN'T plunge a needle of LSD into your neck?
FRANCO: No, silly. I did that. I did it for Nina. Sure, I was living in Jerry Garcia's kaleidoscope for 48 hours, but everything else has been a free show of ersatz lunacy.
ALEXIS: You have been FAKING your insanity? Do I dare ask why?
NINA: Franco. He's my bestie and my boyfriend. I can't abandon him.
ALEXIS: Then you're not faking your crazy after all.
PAT SPENCER'S APARTMENT
LULU: OMG, Tracy, what if Pat DOESN'T have the answers? What if she tells us to get lost? What if she's a man in drag?
TRACY: We won't know unless we KNOCK ON THAT DOOR ALREADY!
LULU: (knocks on the door) She isn't home. Or maybe she's taking a shower. Or maybe...
TRACY: Oh, Pat, for the love of Frank Valentini, ANSWER THE GODDAMN DOOR!
VALERIE: Um, hello?
LULU: Sorry, I think we have the wrong apartment.
TRACY: We're looking for Pat Spencer.
VALERIE: She's my mother.
TRACY: She had a kid?
LULU: That makes us cousins. I'm Lulu Spencer Falconeri. Daughter of your uncle Luke Spencer. My dad's gone off the deep end and we're hoping your mother, as his older sister, can help him.
VALERIE: Valerie Spencer. I'm sorry, but my mom is dead.
LULU: I'm so sorry, NuCousin.
TRACY: Maybe your mom told you some of her deepest, darkest family secrets.
LUKE: (silently) Get rid of them, sweet niece, or Uncle Luke's gonna have to get creative with knives and guns. And bombs. Don't forget bombs.
VALERIE: I'm sorry, but my mother wasn't the chatty type.
KELLY'S
MAXIE: Hi Dante. Where's Nathan?
DANTE: He had something he had to take care of. Like fighting Spinelli at my dad's gym. You didn't hear it from me.
MAXIE: Nathan is fighting Spinelli? Talk about an unfair fight. I need to put an end to this. Watch the kid.
DANTE: I tried to talk him out of it...
GYM
NATHAN: Let's get this over with. You know, Spinelli, you can always call whole thing off.
SPINELLI: Call it off? You are most amusing, Detective.
REFEREE: Four rounds. No stepping out of the ring. Ready? Go!
NATHAN: (Jab Jab, Hook, Hook)
SPINELLI: (Spin, Dodge, Scamper to the other end of ring, Dodge)
NATHAN: (Jab, Hook)
SPINELLI: (Duck, Scamper, Spin)
REF: Time!
NATHAN: (Pant, Pant)
SPINELLI: Water!
REF: Round 2!
NATHAN: (Hook, Hook, Jab, Hook)
SPINELLI: (Dodge, Spin, Scamper, Duck)
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: Damn, this wine's for the birds!
LIZ: It's white cranberry juice.
JAKE: No wonder. But I love the turkey sandwiches, even if the booze leaves a lot to be desired.
LIZ: You always liked my turkey sandwiches.
JAKE: Yet every time I try one, it's like the very first time. At least I can't bore you with my life story.
LIZ: Let's leave those candles burning for Cameron to do his experiments. I have a better way to spend the evening than stuffing our faces.
DOORBELL: RING!
LIZ: Who could it be now?
JAKE: If it's the Jehovah's Witnesses, send them away.
WOMAN AT DOOR WHO LOOKS LIKE REBECCA BUDIG: Hello. Does a Jake Doe hang out here?
LIZ: What's it to you?
WOMAN: I'm his wife.
GYM
REF: Round 4
NATHAN: (Jab Hook Jab)
SPINELLI: (Spin, Dodge, Fall Helplessly to ground)
MAXIE: Nathan, what the???????
GYM
SONNY: Spinelli, my man, you've gotta wait Nathan out until he gets winded, then you lay one on him and TAKE HIM OUT. Got it? Let's practice.
SPINELLI: (Dodging Sonny's jabs) Are you winded yet, Mr. C?
SONNY: Are you sure you want to go through with this, Spinelli? The guy's got 50 pounds on you and all of it is muscle.
SPINELLI: Affirmative. This duel was my idea and I am most certainly going to see it to its completion. Or expire from the effort.
KELLY'S
NATHAN: Gotta go. Get this, Spinelli challenged me to a duel.
DANTE: What, is he kidding? No, that sounds exactly like the guy. You didn't actually ACCEPT the challenge, did you? You'll pummel the guy while he's flipping through the thesaurus in his brain.
NATHAN: I know, and I tried to talk him out of it, but he was insistent that it's the only fair way to decide who walks out of Maxie's life.
DANTE: This is a really bad idea.
SECRET GREEN BAD NEWS ROOM
AVA: Are those my labs? Is the chemo working?
SILAS: It's too early to tell, Ava.
AVA: BS, Silas. You know the results and you're afraid to tell me.
SILAS: Fine, Ava, the labs say you're getting worse.
AVA: So this torture is for nothing? It'll probably kill me before the cancer does.
SILAS: You just have to stick it out a little longer and give it a chance to work.
AVA: What's the point? My family thinks I'm already dead.
SILAS: It's the only chance you have to survive, Ava.
AVA: How much of a chance do I really have?
SILAS: Come on, Ava. Haven't I given you enough bad news for today?
AVA: Tell me the truth, dammit!
SILAS: Fine. The odds are against you.
AVA: Then just kill me now. I've already had my funeral for crying out loud!
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: So, am I a good kisser or what?
LIZ: Well, I've kissed a lot of men in this town. You weren't bad, but, you know what they say--practice makes perfect!
JAKE: That it does. I'm really into you, Uhlizabeth. Are you really into me?
LIZ: Until the next man who needs fixing comes along, sure!
JAKE: So what are we going to do about it?
LIZ: Light some candles and drink baby wine, of course!
JAKE: You mean, go on a date without even leaving the house? Sure, why not.
SHADYBROOK
FRANCO: Look, it's the earless monkey! You should have seen the gorilla who ate his ear!
SCOTT: Nice to see you too again, son.
ALEXIS: This is all very amusing, but I need a moment to meet with my client.
NINA: She's going make sure I get my bionic baby back.
SCOTT: I find it fascinating how quickly crazy can saturate a room. I should have worn earmuffs. FRANCO: Tell me, am I crazy? Crazy for feeling so lonely?
ALEXIS: Nina, you have a hearing coming up you need to show you've made a full recovery or there won't be another hearing.
NINA: Will Silas be there? Will he bring Bionic Jaime? I have to see my baby!
FRANCO: Isn't it ironic that you of all people are talking about a HEARING? You oughta know that if I were back in Pentonville I'd be shivved to death by the toothbrush brigade. Better the nuthouse than the Big House, right, Pops?
ALEXIS: Nina, are you understanding me? You, Nina Clay, could spend the rest of your life in an insane asylum instead of being free to start living your life again.
NINA: Like, come ON, Alexis. I was TOTALLY faking. Why doesn't someone hand me the Oscar already?
FRANCO: Hey Daddy-O, you know this has all been a piece of Franco Performance Art, right? I've been bogus bananas for weeks.
SCOTT: You mean your mother DIDN'T plunge a needle of LSD into your neck?
FRANCO: No, silly. I did that. I did it for Nina. Sure, I was living in Jerry Garcia's kaleidoscope for 48 hours, but everything else has been a free show of ersatz lunacy.
ALEXIS: You have been FAKING your insanity? Do I dare ask why?
NINA: Franco. He's my bestie and my boyfriend. I can't abandon him.
ALEXIS: Then you're not faking your crazy after all.
PAT SPENCER'S APARTMENT
LULU: OMG, Tracy, what if Pat DOESN'T have the answers? What if she tells us to get lost? What if she's a man in drag?
TRACY: We won't know unless we KNOCK ON THAT DOOR ALREADY!
LULU: (knocks on the door) She isn't home. Or maybe she's taking a shower. Or maybe...
TRACY: Oh, Pat, for the love of Frank Valentini, ANSWER THE GODDAMN DOOR!
VALERIE: Um, hello?
LULU: Sorry, I think we have the wrong apartment.
TRACY: We're looking for Pat Spencer.
VALERIE: She's my mother.
TRACY: She had a kid?
LULU: That makes us cousins. I'm Lulu Spencer Falconeri. Daughter of your uncle Luke Spencer. My dad's gone off the deep end and we're hoping your mother, as his older sister, can help him.
VALERIE: Valerie Spencer. I'm sorry, but my mom is dead.
LULU: I'm so sorry, NuCousin.
TRACY: Maybe your mom told you some of her deepest, darkest family secrets.
LUKE: (silently) Get rid of them, sweet niece, or Uncle Luke's gonna have to get creative with knives and guns. And bombs. Don't forget bombs.
VALERIE: I'm sorry, but my mother wasn't the chatty type.
KELLY'S
MAXIE: Hi Dante. Where's Nathan?
DANTE: He had something he had to take care of. Like fighting Spinelli at my dad's gym. You didn't hear it from me.
MAXIE: Nathan is fighting Spinelli? Talk about an unfair fight. I need to put an end to this. Watch the kid.
DANTE: I tried to talk him out of it...
GYM
NATHAN: Let's get this over with. You know, Spinelli, you can always call whole thing off.
SPINELLI: Call it off? You are most amusing, Detective.
REFEREE: Four rounds. No stepping out of the ring. Ready? Go!
NATHAN: (Jab Jab, Hook, Hook)
SPINELLI: (Spin, Dodge, Scamper to the other end of ring, Dodge)
NATHAN: (Jab, Hook)
SPINELLI: (Duck, Scamper, Spin)
REF: Time!
NATHAN: (Pant, Pant)
SPINELLI: Water!
REF: Round 2!
NATHAN: (Hook, Hook, Jab, Hook)
SPINELLI: (Dodge, Spin, Scamper, Duck)
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: Damn, this wine's for the birds!
LIZ: It's white cranberry juice.
JAKE: No wonder. But I love the turkey sandwiches, even if the booze leaves a lot to be desired.
LIZ: You always liked my turkey sandwiches.
JAKE: Yet every time I try one, it's like the very first time. At least I can't bore you with my life story.
LIZ: Let's leave those candles burning for Cameron to do his experiments. I have a better way to spend the evening than stuffing our faces.
DOORBELL: RING!
LIZ: Who could it be now?
JAKE: If it's the Jehovah's Witnesses, send them away.
WOMAN AT DOOR WHO LOOKS LIKE REBECCA BUDIG: Hello. Does a Jake Doe hang out here?
LIZ: What's it to you?
WOMAN: I'm his wife.
GYM
REF: Round 4
NATHAN: (Jab Hook Jab)
SPINELLI: (Spin, Dodge, Fall Helplessly to ground)
MAXIE: Nathan, what the???????
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Now With Blonder Blondes!
Is it just me or did both Maxie and Lulu have even blonder hair today? Kiki threw more insults in Sabrina's direction as she and Morgan did more plotting and scheming against Michael. Are they trying to send Avery to foster care? They're not looking like any more fit parents than Sonny or Michael. Anna grills Olivia on Duke, as if Olivia was Duke's social secretary. Rosalie reports to Nikolas (you know, since Helena's...off the grid...at the moment).
KELLY'S
MORGAN: So, Kiki, how are we going to get Micheal wasted? Should we use Rosalie?
KIKI: Um, like, NO WAY! OMG, here comes PSYCHOBRINA. Hey, PSYCHOBRINA, step away from my BABY SISTAH!
SABRINA: Look, Kiki, I made a mistake because I thought your mother killed my baby. I won't do it again and I'm trying to make it up to AJ by being the best doggone nanny I can be!
KIKI: Like, I totally believe you now. NOT!
SABRINA: I'm outta here. Surely there's a Starbucks around here.
KIKI: First, hand over the baby.
MORGAN: Dial it down a notch, Kiki. If we terrorize the nanny, Mikey will use that against us.
KIKI: Fine, leave, but I still hate you.
MORGAN: Back to our plan.
KIKI: Are you sure this is going to work?
MORGAN: Have a better idea?
KIKI: Not really. All I can think about is Sabrina's medicine switcharoo that could have killed Avery.
MORGAN: How 'bout we switch Michael's aspirin with something that will make him get drunk faster?
ELQ
ROSALIE: (on phone) Talk to you later.
MICHAEL: Talk to who?
ROSALIE: The people who can give us 4G on Mars. It's about time ELQ looked beyond our home planet.
MICHAEL: What were you doing here last night? Burning the midnight oil with Martian tech support?
ROSALIE: Good one, but I completely forgot why I was here at 3 am. Sometimes I sleepwork.
TRACY: Michael. Office. Now.
ROSALIE: Don't mind me. I just work here. And make top secret phone calls.
MICHAEL: What is it, Tracy? What's so urgent?
TRACY: Someone's trying to take over ELQ and I smell Cassadine all over this.
ROSALIE: (listening in) CRAP!
METROCOURT
ANNA: Olivia, what do you know about Duke Lavery?
OLIVIA: What, am I his social secretary? I know the guy likes his tea.
ANNA: But does he squirrel his dirty mob money away in the tea box?
OLIVIA: If he does, he's banned from this place for life. We don't launder money here. Why the questions?
ANNA: I'm trying to nail Duke on mobbing charges and send him to prison.
OLIVIA: Must have been some lover's quarrel.
ANNA: Believe me, I don't want to have to tell Emma that Uncle Duke is mobbed up to his eyeballs and I have to send him to the clink. But he chose to work for Sonny, so he knew what he was getting himself into.
SHRINERS' HOSPITAL
SPENCER: What's this I hear about Cameron staring the fire that disfigured my face?
NIKOLAS: It was an accident, Spencer. He didn't mean to knock a swag bag into the candle, but swag bags are highly flammable.
SPENCER: That stupid townie ruined my life! You need to get him sent to prison for the rest of his life.
NIKOLAS: Accident, Spencer, remember? He didn't do this on purpose.
SPENCER: Ha! He wanted me out of the picture so HE could be with Emma.
EMMA: I don't think so, Spencer. He was just trying to grab a swag bag.
SPENCER: He's a pyromaniac. I think I'm going to sue. Or maybe I'll tell Great Grandmother about what he did and she'll put a curse on him.
NIKOLAS (phone rings) I've got to get that. Keep Helena out of this, Spencer.
NIKOLAS (On phone with Rosalie): Rosalie, what's up?
ROSALIE: HUGE problem. Michael and Tracy are onto us.
NIKOLAS: They can trace those shares back to me? I don't think so.
ROSALIE: They suspect something.
NIKOLAS: Well, keep me posted.
ROSALIE: Sure, Boss. You are my boss now, right? I haven't heard from your grandmother in, like, forever. She's not like dead or anything?
NIKOLAS: Not dead. I just sent her on a little island vacation.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: OMG, Jake, Cameron started the fire that burned Spencer. I have a little pyromaniac for a son.
JAKE: He didn't set it on purpose, did he? If not, then pyromaniac might be an exaggeration.
LIZ: This isn't his first fire, Jake. He burned the house down once.
JAKE: Okay, then I would keep matches under lock and key. It's not your fault, Uhlizabeth. By the way, Carly said you and Ric called it quits.
LIZ: Yep, I broke up with him because he tried to send you to jail.
JAKE: So, are you really into me?
LIZ: Yeah, I kinda am.
JAKE: Remember when we almost kissed under your fire-loving kid's mistletoe?
LIZ: Let's totally kiss for real this time.
ELQ
ROSALIE: Wait your turn
SABRINA: I'm the nanny and AJ just wanted to see her big brother.
ROSALIE: He's busy.
TRACY: Not anymore.
SABRINA: See!
MICHAEL: AJ! Coming to see big bro CEO at work?
SABRINA: I think Rosalie hates me.
MICHAEL: Has she been talking to Kiki?
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
LULU: So, what's the emergency, Blonder Maxie?
MAXIE: Well, Blonder Lulu, Nathan told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too. Sorta.
LULU: What do you mean, sorta?
MAXIE: I told him I loved Spinelli too.
LULU: Like, WHY?
MAXIE: Because my heart is DIVIDED IN TWO, Lulu! I'm in love with two men at the same time. WHAT DO I DO????
LULU: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo?
MAXIE: It's worth a shot.
LULU: If that doesn't work, you can always flip a coin. Heads for Spinelli because he's a genius and tails for Nathan, for obvious reasons.
MAXIE: Lulu, you're the bestest of besties EVER!
GYM
NATHAN: Hey Spinelli, how much do I need to pay you to SCRAM?
SPINELLI: I have no intention of departing this fair city, Detective West.
SONNY: Hey Nathan, I know you're Dante's partner and all, but Spinelli here is my friend. Don't be trying to shoo him out of town.
SPINELLI: I shall leave town if you accept my challenge.
NATHAN: If it has anything to do with the Periodic Table or mythical creatures, it's not a fair fight
SPINELLI: Quite the contrary, Detective. We shall take to gloved fisticuffs in order to contest our affections for the fair Maximista.
NATHAN: You've GOT to be kidding me. Do you have a death wish or something?
SONNY: I was asking myself the same question. What gives, Spinelli?
SPINELLI: You are making some rather gargantuan assumptions, Mr. Man of Musculature. The pugilistic pursuit is one of both mind and might. You have the utmost advantage in physical prowess, Detective, but in the area of intellect, it is I who shall prevail.
NATHAN: We'll see about that.
SPINELLI: So am I to infer that you agree to this challenge?
NATHAN: I'll be back in an hour. Get your affairs in order.
KELLY'S
MORGAN: So, Kiki, how are we going to get Micheal wasted? Should we use Rosalie?
KIKI: Um, like, NO WAY! OMG, here comes PSYCHOBRINA. Hey, PSYCHOBRINA, step away from my BABY SISTAH!
SABRINA: Look, Kiki, I made a mistake because I thought your mother killed my baby. I won't do it again and I'm trying to make it up to AJ by being the best doggone nanny I can be!
KIKI: Like, I totally believe you now. NOT!
SABRINA: I'm outta here. Surely there's a Starbucks around here.
KIKI: First, hand over the baby.
MORGAN: Dial it down a notch, Kiki. If we terrorize the nanny, Mikey will use that against us.
KIKI: Fine, leave, but I still hate you.
MORGAN: Back to our plan.
KIKI: Are you sure this is going to work?
MORGAN: Have a better idea?
KIKI: Not really. All I can think about is Sabrina's medicine switcharoo that could have killed Avery.
MORGAN: How 'bout we switch Michael's aspirin with something that will make him get drunk faster?
ELQ
ROSALIE: (on phone) Talk to you later.
MICHAEL: Talk to who?
ROSALIE: The people who can give us 4G on Mars. It's about time ELQ looked beyond our home planet.
MICHAEL: What were you doing here last night? Burning the midnight oil with Martian tech support?
ROSALIE: Good one, but I completely forgot why I was here at 3 am. Sometimes I sleepwork.
TRACY: Michael. Office. Now.
ROSALIE: Don't mind me. I just work here. And make top secret phone calls.
MICHAEL: What is it, Tracy? What's so urgent?
TRACY: Someone's trying to take over ELQ and I smell Cassadine all over this.
ROSALIE: (listening in) CRAP!
METROCOURT
ANNA: Olivia, what do you know about Duke Lavery?
OLIVIA: What, am I his social secretary? I know the guy likes his tea.
ANNA: But does he squirrel his dirty mob money away in the tea box?
OLIVIA: If he does, he's banned from this place for life. We don't launder money here. Why the questions?
ANNA: I'm trying to nail Duke on mobbing charges and send him to prison.
OLIVIA: Must have been some lover's quarrel.
ANNA: Believe me, I don't want to have to tell Emma that Uncle Duke is mobbed up to his eyeballs and I have to send him to the clink. But he chose to work for Sonny, so he knew what he was getting himself into.
SHRINERS' HOSPITAL
SPENCER: What's this I hear about Cameron staring the fire that disfigured my face?
NIKOLAS: It was an accident, Spencer. He didn't mean to knock a swag bag into the candle, but swag bags are highly flammable.
SPENCER: That stupid townie ruined my life! You need to get him sent to prison for the rest of his life.
NIKOLAS: Accident, Spencer, remember? He didn't do this on purpose.
SPENCER: Ha! He wanted me out of the picture so HE could be with Emma.
EMMA: I don't think so, Spencer. He was just trying to grab a swag bag.
SPENCER: He's a pyromaniac. I think I'm going to sue. Or maybe I'll tell Great Grandmother about what he did and she'll put a curse on him.
NIKOLAS (phone rings) I've got to get that. Keep Helena out of this, Spencer.
NIKOLAS (On phone with Rosalie): Rosalie, what's up?
ROSALIE: HUGE problem. Michael and Tracy are onto us.
NIKOLAS: They can trace those shares back to me? I don't think so.
ROSALIE: They suspect something.
NIKOLAS: Well, keep me posted.
ROSALIE: Sure, Boss. You are my boss now, right? I haven't heard from your grandmother in, like, forever. She's not like dead or anything?
NIKOLAS: Not dead. I just sent her on a little island vacation.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: OMG, Jake, Cameron started the fire that burned Spencer. I have a little pyromaniac for a son.
JAKE: He didn't set it on purpose, did he? If not, then pyromaniac might be an exaggeration.
LIZ: This isn't his first fire, Jake. He burned the house down once.
JAKE: Okay, then I would keep matches under lock and key. It's not your fault, Uhlizabeth. By the way, Carly said you and Ric called it quits.
LIZ: Yep, I broke up with him because he tried to send you to jail.
JAKE: So, are you really into me?
LIZ: Yeah, I kinda am.
JAKE: Remember when we almost kissed under your fire-loving kid's mistletoe?
LIZ: Let's totally kiss for real this time.
ELQ
ROSALIE: Wait your turn
SABRINA: I'm the nanny and AJ just wanted to see her big brother.
ROSALIE: He's busy.
TRACY: Not anymore.
SABRINA: See!
MICHAEL: AJ! Coming to see big bro CEO at work?
SABRINA: I think Rosalie hates me.
MICHAEL: Has she been talking to Kiki?
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
LULU: So, what's the emergency, Blonder Maxie?
MAXIE: Well, Blonder Lulu, Nathan told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too. Sorta.
LULU: What do you mean, sorta?
MAXIE: I told him I loved Spinelli too.
LULU: Like, WHY?
MAXIE: Because my heart is DIVIDED IN TWO, Lulu! I'm in love with two men at the same time. WHAT DO I DO????
LULU: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo?
MAXIE: It's worth a shot.
LULU: If that doesn't work, you can always flip a coin. Heads for Spinelli because he's a genius and tails for Nathan, for obvious reasons.
MAXIE: Lulu, you're the bestest of besties EVER!
GYM
NATHAN: Hey Spinelli, how much do I need to pay you to SCRAM?
SPINELLI: I have no intention of departing this fair city, Detective West.
SONNY: Hey Nathan, I know you're Dante's partner and all, but Spinelli here is my friend. Don't be trying to shoo him out of town.
SPINELLI: I shall leave town if you accept my challenge.
NATHAN: If it has anything to do with the Periodic Table or mythical creatures, it's not a fair fight
SPINELLI: Quite the contrary, Detective. We shall take to gloved fisticuffs in order to contest our affections for the fair Maximista.
NATHAN: You've GOT to be kidding me. Do you have a death wish or something?
SONNY: I was asking myself the same question. What gives, Spinelli?
SPINELLI: You are making some rather gargantuan assumptions, Mr. Man of Musculature. The pugilistic pursuit is one of both mind and might. You have the utmost advantage in physical prowess, Detective, but in the area of intellect, it is I who shall prevail.
NATHAN: We'll see about that.
SPINELLI: So am I to infer that you agree to this challenge?
NATHAN: I'll be back in an hour. Get your affairs in order.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
We Didn't Start The Fire...
...But Cameron did and he thinks he needs to lawyer up! Poor Spencer is afraid his scars will turn him into the Phantom of the Opera. Spinelli hits the gym...for romantic advice from Sonny. Molly pushes Ric to join online dating sites to help him move on from Liz. Maxie still can't make up her mind between Nathan and Spinelli. Jake is finally pad-free and wants a break from Carly and her constant yabbering.
LIZ'S HOUSE
CAMERON: Mom, where's Ric?
LIZ: Sweetie, we broke up!
CAMERON: You CAN'T break up. I need a lawyer!
LIZ: Since when does a 10 year old need a lawyer?
CAMERON: I started the fire that burned Spencer. But it was an accident!
LIZ: Whew! For a minute there I thought I had a juvenile arsonist on my hands.
SHRINER'S HOSPITAL
NIKOLAS: Want a yummy Edible Arrangement, Spencer?
SPENCER: No. I'm a freak show! My face is scarred for the rest of my life, father! I'll have to wear a paper bag over my head so I don't scare small children.
NIKOLAS: Aw, Spencer, you're not a freak. Emma's here to see you.
SPENCER: She can't see me like this!
EMMA: Come on, Spencer! I know it's you under there.
SPENCER: You're not scared of me because of what my face looks like underneath all the bandages?
EMMA: I don't have x-ray vision, Spencer. Besides, you're a good person on the inside.
SPENCER: Then I think I'll STAY inside, thank you very much.
EMMA: Spencer, come on, let's play. You remember how to play, right?
NIKOLAS: Sam, how's life in Port Chuckles?
SAM: Well, there's a mob war brewing and Jake's working for my dad. Sonny and Michael are fighting over Avery. Spinelli and Nathan are fighting over Maxie. Carly has gone a whole month without shutting up, and Patrick and I are having the best sex ever. By the way, what did you want to tell me?
NIKOLAS: About?
SAM: The last time I saw you, you said you had something you needed to tell me but I pulled a Carly and wouldn't stop yakking. What is it?
NIKOLAS: I forgot.
SAM: If you remember, you know how to reach me.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
NATHAN: Remember in Georgie's hospital room when I said I loved you but you didn't answer?
MAXIE: I didn't? Blame it on the bad lighting.
NATHAN: But do you love me, Maxie?
MAXIE: Of course I love you, Nathan. I love Spinelli too.
NATHAN: Sorry, Maxie, I don't do menage-a-trois. Pick one of us.
MAXIE: Decisions, decisions!
NATHAN: So decide already! You know where to find me when you've made up your fool mind.
GYM
SONNY: This is for Jake Doe (punches bag). This is for Michael stealing my daughter from me. (punches bag). This is for Carly wanting to be Jake's best friend. (punches bag) This is for Julian Jerome trying to move in on my territory (punches bag) This is for...
SPINELLI: Greetings, oh pugilistic one! You'll never guess who I thought I laid my eyes on the other day.
SONNY: Spinelli, long time no see. I'm afraid my English-to-Spinelli dictionary is back at home. Who did you think you saw?
SPINELLI: Stone Cold. Alas, it was but a mirage. The man I mistook for the magnificent Stone Cold was in actuality a man with the moniker Jake Doe.
SONNY: You thought Jake Doe was Jason? You must have been having a bad day because those two are NOTHING alike.
SPINELLI: Perhaps you speak the truth, however, from a certain angle there is a remarkable resemblance between the two men in question.
SONNY: Okay.
SPINELLI: So what shall I do to win back my fair Maximista? Am I foolhardy to endeavor to compete with the musculature of one Nathan West?
SONNY: What about Ellie? She was a nice girl.
METROCOURT
JAKE: Guess who doesn't have to wear a pad on his head anymore?
CARLY: I like this look a lot better. Guess what? Elizabeth and Ric are HISTORY! Go get your little nursey lady.
JAKE: Can we, like, not be friends anymore? My new co-worker Carlos doesn't like you and I don't want to piss him off 'cuz he looks kinda sketchy.
CARLY: Carlos? PFFFFFFT! You can't unfriend Carly Corinthos Jacks probably Corinthos again by the end of this year. It just doesn't happen.
JAKE: So being your friend is like being in the mob. Once you're in, you can't get out.
CARLY: Basically, yeah.
KELLY'S
MOLLY: So Dad, where's Elizabeth?
RIC: I really need to do a better job of keeping my own daughter in the loop. We broke up.
MOLLY: Was it because of that pet project goon Jake Doe who doesn't even know what his real name is? Typical Elizabeth. Seriously, I think "Fix You" by Coldplay is her ringtone.
RIC: It turns out she had a problem with my suggesting her project confess to his crimes and go to jail.
MOLLY: So now you have to get back out there. Tinder anyone?
RIC: I don't think so. I'm still in love with Elizabeth.
MOLLY: But Elizabeth doesn't deserve an amazing guy like you, Dad. You need to find a woman who isn't trying to fix you.
RIC: Says the daughter who is trying to fix me up.
LIZ'S HOUSE
CAMERON: Mom, where's Ric?
LIZ: Sweetie, we broke up!
CAMERON: You CAN'T break up. I need a lawyer!
LIZ: Since when does a 10 year old need a lawyer?
CAMERON: I started the fire that burned Spencer. But it was an accident!
LIZ: Whew! For a minute there I thought I had a juvenile arsonist on my hands.
SHRINER'S HOSPITAL
NIKOLAS: Want a yummy Edible Arrangement, Spencer?
SPENCER: No. I'm a freak show! My face is scarred for the rest of my life, father! I'll have to wear a paper bag over my head so I don't scare small children.
NIKOLAS: Aw, Spencer, you're not a freak. Emma's here to see you.
SPENCER: She can't see me like this!
EMMA: Come on, Spencer! I know it's you under there.
SPENCER: You're not scared of me because of what my face looks like underneath all the bandages?
EMMA: I don't have x-ray vision, Spencer. Besides, you're a good person on the inside.
SPENCER: Then I think I'll STAY inside, thank you very much.
EMMA: Spencer, come on, let's play. You remember how to play, right?
NIKOLAS: Sam, how's life in Port Chuckles?
SAM: Well, there's a mob war brewing and Jake's working for my dad. Sonny and Michael are fighting over Avery. Spinelli and Nathan are fighting over Maxie. Carly has gone a whole month without shutting up, and Patrick and I are having the best sex ever. By the way, what did you want to tell me?
NIKOLAS: About?
SAM: The last time I saw you, you said you had something you needed to tell me but I pulled a Carly and wouldn't stop yakking. What is it?
NIKOLAS: I forgot.
SAM: If you remember, you know how to reach me.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
NATHAN: Remember in Georgie's hospital room when I said I loved you but you didn't answer?
MAXIE: I didn't? Blame it on the bad lighting.
NATHAN: But do you love me, Maxie?
MAXIE: Of course I love you, Nathan. I love Spinelli too.
NATHAN: Sorry, Maxie, I don't do menage-a-trois. Pick one of us.
MAXIE: Decisions, decisions!
NATHAN: So decide already! You know where to find me when you've made up your fool mind.
GYM
SONNY: This is for Jake Doe (punches bag). This is for Michael stealing my daughter from me. (punches bag). This is for Carly wanting to be Jake's best friend. (punches bag) This is for Julian Jerome trying to move in on my territory (punches bag) This is for...
SPINELLI: Greetings, oh pugilistic one! You'll never guess who I thought I laid my eyes on the other day.
SONNY: Spinelli, long time no see. I'm afraid my English-to-Spinelli dictionary is back at home. Who did you think you saw?
SPINELLI: Stone Cold. Alas, it was but a mirage. The man I mistook for the magnificent Stone Cold was in actuality a man with the moniker Jake Doe.
SONNY: You thought Jake Doe was Jason? You must have been having a bad day because those two are NOTHING alike.
SPINELLI: Perhaps you speak the truth, however, from a certain angle there is a remarkable resemblance between the two men in question.
SONNY: Okay.
SPINELLI: So what shall I do to win back my fair Maximista? Am I foolhardy to endeavor to compete with the musculature of one Nathan West?
SONNY: What about Ellie? She was a nice girl.
METROCOURT
JAKE: Guess who doesn't have to wear a pad on his head anymore?
CARLY: I like this look a lot better. Guess what? Elizabeth and Ric are HISTORY! Go get your little nursey lady.
JAKE: Can we, like, not be friends anymore? My new co-worker Carlos doesn't like you and I don't want to piss him off 'cuz he looks kinda sketchy.
CARLY: Carlos? PFFFFFFT! You can't unfriend Carly Corinthos Jacks probably Corinthos again by the end of this year. It just doesn't happen.
JAKE: So being your friend is like being in the mob. Once you're in, you can't get out.
CARLY: Basically, yeah.
KELLY'S
MOLLY: So Dad, where's Elizabeth?
RIC: I really need to do a better job of keeping my own daughter in the loop. We broke up.
MOLLY: Was it because of that pet project goon Jake Doe who doesn't even know what his real name is? Typical Elizabeth. Seriously, I think "Fix You" by Coldplay is her ringtone.
RIC: It turns out she had a problem with my suggesting her project confess to his crimes and go to jail.
MOLLY: So now you have to get back out there. Tinder anyone?
RIC: I don't think so. I'm still in love with Elizabeth.
MOLLY: But Elizabeth doesn't deserve an amazing guy like you, Dad. You need to find a woman who isn't trying to fix you.
RIC: Says the daughter who is trying to fix me up.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Nathan To The Rescue
Jordan's in a jam with Duke ordering her off Julian, so Nathan comes up with a plan. Michael and Duke get in each other's faces at the MetroCourt. Upon meeting Julian, Jake declares his hatred for Sonny. Carly assures Sonny that even though Jake's throwing in with the Jeromes, she is on his side. Lucy changes Sabrina's mind about performing at the Nurses' Ball. Morgan and Kiki plot to make Michael look like an unfit parent.
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
JORDAN: Guess what, Anna? Duke put the kill order on Julian Jerome and he wants ME to do it.
ANNA: Duke's ordering executions now?
JORDAN: He ordered this one, with a side of chili fries. I know he's testing me.
ANNA: Dammit! I should have pulled you out of this. Here's the plan. You go to a safehouse...
JORDAN: I'm not abandoning TJ again. He sorta kinda doesn't hate me now.
NATHAN: If I may interject, I have a plan. Jordan, you wear a wire and catch Duke in the act of ordering a hit on Jerome.
ANNA: I want it ALL, Nathan! I want the WHOLE Corinthos organization brought to their knees, not just Duke.
NATHAN: Or are you having second thoughts about sending Duke to the hoosegow?
ANNA: Fine, let's do it.
CARLY'S HOUSE
JAKE: Chill out, dude! Jerome probably wants me to write the gossip column for his paper.
SONNY: And I'm Helena Cassadine. Anybody working for Julian is my enemy. End of story.
CARLY: What the hell's going on here? Sonny, why are you attacking the Patron Saint of Kotex? He's getting me a great discount on tampons and pantiliners.
SONNY: Your friend here is selling maxi pads to the opposition. He's working for the JEROMES. My enemies!
CARLY: Aren't you on sabbatical from the mob until you get Avery back?
SONNY: That's beside the point. Jake is bad news, Carly.
JAKE: I'm outta here.
CARLY: I thought you were okay with me being Jake's friend.
SONNY: That was before he started working for Julian. The bromance is over. He wants my territory and I'm not just gonna let him take it.
CARLY: Let's change the subject. How's the appeal going.
SONNY: As long as the judge is in Michael's pocket, it ain't goin' nowhere.
KELLY'S
KIKI: Morgan, we have to get Avery away from Michael. He hired PSYCHOBRINA as Avery's nanny. She tried to KILL our little sister when she was still in my mother's womb. She is totes not safe with Michael.
MORGAN: I've got a plan. Let's make him out to be an unfit parent just like he did to my dad.
KIKI: Um, how are we going to do that? The judge is banging his grandmother.
MORGAN: Three words: Child Protective Services. We make Mikey out to be an alcoholic and they'll have to take Avery away.
KIKI: But he's not an alcoholic, at least not yet.
MORGAN: Addiction is a Quartermaine birthright, Kiki. His grandfather was hooked on pills, AJ was a drunk...it runs in the family. Now all we have to do is set him up to look like a boozehound and Avery is outta there. Are you in?
METROCOURT
LUCY: Sabrina, OMG, you know the Nurses' Ball is coming up, right?
SABRINA: Yeah, about that...
LUCY: YOU, my friend, are going to sing the opening number.
SABRINA: I don't think so.
LUCY: Oops, I forgot. Last year's ball when your baby died and all.
SABRINA: Thanks for reminding me. I can't do the ball this year, Lucy. It's not about the baby, it's about me not being a nurse at GH anymore. I was given the axe.
LUCY: But you REVIVED the Nurses' Ball and you're still a nurse, right? Please say you'll do it, Sabrina. Pretty please with whipped cream, a cherry and sprinkles. Extra sprinkles. GOLDEN effing' SPRINKLES!
SABRINA: Fine, I'll do it because if I don't you'll torture me until I do.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
JULIAN: Carlos, I'm bringing another dude into the organization. He's going by the name of Jake Doe.
CARLOS: Oh no you don't! That dude's a whackjob who almost blew up a boat that my Sabrrrrrrrina was on. He also head-slammed me at the Metro Court for chewing Carly out about making me take the fall for AJ's murder.
JULIAN: About the boat thing, the she-devil made him do it.
JAKE: So, where's the scrub brush and the bottle of Lysol. I'm ready to clean toilets for the Jerome organization.
JULIAN: I'm hiring you because my daughter asked me to. However, my associate has a bone to pick with you. Carlos, have at it.
CARLOS: Remember that time at the MetroCourt where you slammed my head into a table? I took offense, man.
JAKE: I only did it because you were manhandling my friend Carly.
CARLOS: Any friend of Carly is a friend of Sonny Corrrrrrintos and any friend of Sonny Corrrrrrintos is an enemy of ours.
JAKE: Look, I just met Sonny, and this is crazy, but he hates my guts, and I hate his, maybe.
JULIAN: You think you can turn that maybe into a definitely?
CARLOS: I don't know about this, man. My head hasn't been the same...
JULIAN: That's why I'm in charge, Carlos, and you're NOT. Doe, you're hired.
METROCOURT
MICHAEL: Isn't this cute. Taking orders for your loverboy Sonny.
DUKE: My business with Sonny is none of YOUR business. You stole Sonny's daughter from him and if you had any decency, you'd give her back.
MICHAEL: You are an ungrateful hypocrite. Who gave you your first job in town when you got back from that Turkish prison? AJ! No one else would hire you. How do you repay my father? You cover up his MURDER! You're DEAD TO ME, Duke. DEAD. TO. ME.
SABRINA: Michael, what's going on here?
MICHAEL: Come on Sabrina. Let's go to the bar. I gotta have booze right now.
SABRINA: Maybe you shouldn't be fighting with people in front of the baby.
MICHAEL: You're right. Sorry, AJ. By the way, Sabrina, you start tonight. I may have a new location for the clinic and I have a business meeting.
SABRINA: Fingers crossed. I'm so ready to be an actual nurse again.
LUCY: Did I come at a bad time, Duke? You were really getting into it with Michael.
DUKE: It's always a good time for you, Lucy.
LUCY: Good. Now I'm planning for the 2015 Nurses' Ball and it's going to be the Best. Nurses. Ball. EVAH! Because, you know, I'm always trying to outdo myself. Can I borrow one of your kilts? I want to learn to play the bagpipes for this year's ball. By the way, what's your status with Anna? Are you over? Do you still have feelings for her? Because if you still have feelings for her, I'll totally back off.
DUKE: Well...
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
JORDAN: Guess what, Anna? Duke put the kill order on Julian Jerome and he wants ME to do it.
ANNA: Duke's ordering executions now?
JORDAN: He ordered this one, with a side of chili fries. I know he's testing me.
ANNA: Dammit! I should have pulled you out of this. Here's the plan. You go to a safehouse...
JORDAN: I'm not abandoning TJ again. He sorta kinda doesn't hate me now.
NATHAN: If I may interject, I have a plan. Jordan, you wear a wire and catch Duke in the act of ordering a hit on Jerome.
ANNA: I want it ALL, Nathan! I want the WHOLE Corinthos organization brought to their knees, not just Duke.
NATHAN: Or are you having second thoughts about sending Duke to the hoosegow?
ANNA: Fine, let's do it.
CARLY'S HOUSE
JAKE: Chill out, dude! Jerome probably wants me to write the gossip column for his paper.
SONNY: And I'm Helena Cassadine. Anybody working for Julian is my enemy. End of story.
CARLY: What the hell's going on here? Sonny, why are you attacking the Patron Saint of Kotex? He's getting me a great discount on tampons and pantiliners.
SONNY: Your friend here is selling maxi pads to the opposition. He's working for the JEROMES. My enemies!
CARLY: Aren't you on sabbatical from the mob until you get Avery back?
SONNY: That's beside the point. Jake is bad news, Carly.
JAKE: I'm outta here.
CARLY: I thought you were okay with me being Jake's friend.
SONNY: That was before he started working for Julian. The bromance is over. He wants my territory and I'm not just gonna let him take it.
CARLY: Let's change the subject. How's the appeal going.
SONNY: As long as the judge is in Michael's pocket, it ain't goin' nowhere.
KELLY'S
KIKI: Morgan, we have to get Avery away from Michael. He hired PSYCHOBRINA as Avery's nanny. She tried to KILL our little sister when she was still in my mother's womb. She is totes not safe with Michael.
MORGAN: I've got a plan. Let's make him out to be an unfit parent just like he did to my dad.
KIKI: Um, how are we going to do that? The judge is banging his grandmother.
MORGAN: Three words: Child Protective Services. We make Mikey out to be an alcoholic and they'll have to take Avery away.
KIKI: But he's not an alcoholic, at least not yet.
MORGAN: Addiction is a Quartermaine birthright, Kiki. His grandfather was hooked on pills, AJ was a drunk...it runs in the family. Now all we have to do is set him up to look like a boozehound and Avery is outta there. Are you in?
METROCOURT
LUCY: Sabrina, OMG, you know the Nurses' Ball is coming up, right?
SABRINA: Yeah, about that...
LUCY: YOU, my friend, are going to sing the opening number.
SABRINA: I don't think so.
LUCY: Oops, I forgot. Last year's ball when your baby died and all.
SABRINA: Thanks for reminding me. I can't do the ball this year, Lucy. It's not about the baby, it's about me not being a nurse at GH anymore. I was given the axe.
LUCY: But you REVIVED the Nurses' Ball and you're still a nurse, right? Please say you'll do it, Sabrina. Pretty please with whipped cream, a cherry and sprinkles. Extra sprinkles. GOLDEN effing' SPRINKLES!
SABRINA: Fine, I'll do it because if I don't you'll torture me until I do.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
JULIAN: Carlos, I'm bringing another dude into the organization. He's going by the name of Jake Doe.
CARLOS: Oh no you don't! That dude's a whackjob who almost blew up a boat that my Sabrrrrrrrina was on. He also head-slammed me at the Metro Court for chewing Carly out about making me take the fall for AJ's murder.
JULIAN: About the boat thing, the she-devil made him do it.
JAKE: So, where's the scrub brush and the bottle of Lysol. I'm ready to clean toilets for the Jerome organization.
JULIAN: I'm hiring you because my daughter asked me to. However, my associate has a bone to pick with you. Carlos, have at it.
CARLOS: Remember that time at the MetroCourt where you slammed my head into a table? I took offense, man.
JAKE: I only did it because you were manhandling my friend Carly.
CARLOS: Any friend of Carly is a friend of Sonny Corrrrrrintos and any friend of Sonny Corrrrrrintos is an enemy of ours.
JAKE: Look, I just met Sonny, and this is crazy, but he hates my guts, and I hate his, maybe.
JULIAN: You think you can turn that maybe into a definitely?
CARLOS: I don't know about this, man. My head hasn't been the same...
JULIAN: That's why I'm in charge, Carlos, and you're NOT. Doe, you're hired.
METROCOURT
MICHAEL: Isn't this cute. Taking orders for your loverboy Sonny.
DUKE: My business with Sonny is none of YOUR business. You stole Sonny's daughter from him and if you had any decency, you'd give her back.
MICHAEL: You are an ungrateful hypocrite. Who gave you your first job in town when you got back from that Turkish prison? AJ! No one else would hire you. How do you repay my father? You cover up his MURDER! You're DEAD TO ME, Duke. DEAD. TO. ME.
SABRINA: Michael, what's going on here?
MICHAEL: Come on Sabrina. Let's go to the bar. I gotta have booze right now.
SABRINA: Maybe you shouldn't be fighting with people in front of the baby.
MICHAEL: You're right. Sorry, AJ. By the way, Sabrina, you start tonight. I may have a new location for the clinic and I have a business meeting.
SABRINA: Fingers crossed. I'm so ready to be an actual nurse again.
LUCY: Did I come at a bad time, Duke? You were really getting into it with Michael.
DUKE: It's always a good time for you, Lucy.
LUCY: Good. Now I'm planning for the 2015 Nurses' Ball and it's going to be the Best. Nurses. Ball. EVAH! Because, you know, I'm always trying to outdo myself. Can I borrow one of your kilts? I want to learn to play the bagpipes for this year's ball. By the way, what's your status with Anna? Are you over? Do you still have feelings for her? Because if you still have feelings for her, I'll totally back off.
DUKE: Well...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)