As The Luke Lurks...

...The Tracy and The Lulu make their way into the newest Spencer's apartment.   Valerie insists that her mom clammed up about the past because, you know, lurking Luke with gun.   Ava begs Silas to channel Dr. Kevorkian and end her suffering.  Maura West and Michael Easton really brought it in those scenes.   Michael slugs Morgan as disowned younger bro sneaks up and switches older bro's meds.  Julian offers to help Kiki, but Kiki is still going for Plan Morgan, even with her recently-discovered misgivings about, I don't know, putting Avery in harm's way?    Maxie rips Nathan for trying to force Spin out of the picture.   Jake's long lost wife's sad tale doesn't sit well with Liz.   Julian literally runs into prego Olivia coming out of Kelly's.

   VALERIE'S APARTMENT

   LULU:  Please, Cousin Val, help us out!  We have to fix my dad.
   TRACY:  Surely you have five minutes to help us figure out why my hubby went off his rocker?
   VALERIE:  I really wish I could help, but I'm kind of in the middle of ending world hunger while binge-watching Southwest General.
    LULU:  So your mom never mentioned her brother Luke, not even once? 
    VALERIE:  I didn't even know I HAD an uncle Luke until five minutes ago.  As far as I knew, my mom was an only child.
    LURKING LUKE:  That's it, sweet niece.  Stick to the story and you'll live.  Maybe.
    TRACY:  Please, please PLEASE help us!   My husband tried to blow up a BOAT with a bunch of people on it.
    VALERIE:  I wish I could help you, but my mother told me next to nothing about her past.  When I asked her questions, she changed the subject.
    LULU:  Look, cuz, I'm sorry we barged in on you.  Stop by Port Chuckles and I'll introduce you to some hot guys.   My bestie could be dumping one as we speak.
    VALERIE:  I'll consider it.   In the meantime, starving children in India are counting on me and the last eppy of Southwest General was a cliffhanger.
    LURKING LUKE:  Oops!   Stupid door.
    TRACY:  What was that?

   SECRET GREEN DOOM ROOM

  AVA:  Silas, please kill me.  End my suffering.  I'm dying of cancer and my family already thinks I'm dead, so what's the diff?
 SILAS:  It's illegal.
 AVA:  And harboring a fugitive isn't?
 SILAS:  This is murder.
 AVA:  Not if I'm asking you to do it.  Come on, Silas.  Get your Kevorkian on.  How long would I have to live otherwise?   A year, six months?
 SILAS:  Three months.
 AVA:  All the more reason to put me to sleep.  Let me hang on to the good memories of when we were together.
 SILAS:  I'm not putting you down like you were a dog, Ava.   I can't help you end your life.
 AVA:  Fine, then I'll do it myself.   Of course, it won't be nearly as peaceful, but what do I have to live for, really, Silas?   My daughters think I'm dead and in three months I will be.
SILAS:  But, I sorta kinda...um...care...about you...deeply
AVA:  Then you don't want to see me suffer though all this stupid chemo, right?
SILAS:  DAMMIT, AVA, I LOVE YOU!

   Q MANSION

  MICHAEL:  What are YOU doing here?
  MORGAN:  Dude, I'm just visiting my little sister AVERY.
  MICHAEL:  HER NAME IS AJ.  You are no longer her little sister.  You, Kiki, Sonny, Carly, BANNED from visiting MY baby sister.
  MORGAN: Are you hungry, bro?   I have a knuckle sandwich for you. (punches Michael)
  MICHAEL:  Knuckle sandwich this, rat bastard! (punches Morgan)
  MORGAN:  Bring it,   MIKEY!   (more fisticuffs ensue)
  NED:  Break it up, boys!  There's a baby in the house, and I'm not talking about the one in Olivia's uterus that I'm pretending to be the father of. 

  GYM

MAXIE:  Nathan, what the?   You totally broke Spinelli! 
NATHAN:  Maxie, this isn't what it looks like. 
MAXIE:  It looks like you were kicking Spinelli's ass so you could win the grand prize:  ME!
NATHAN:  It was his idea.
MAXIE:  Spinelli decided to let you beat him up.   Even I'm not that stupid.   Spinelli, did you challenge Nathan to a prize fight where I was the prize?
SPINELLI:  Is two plus two six?
MAXIE:  Sonny, was it Spinelli's idea to get his lights punched out by Nathan?
SONNY:  Don't look at me.   I'm just the towel boy for Jason's geek squad.
MAXIE:  Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?
NATHAN: Maxie, it's very simple.  I love one person.  You.  You claim you love two people, me and Spinelli.   I'm into monogamy.  You're into this pluralistic thing.  We're just not a good fit. 

  LIZ'S HOUSE

LIZ:  Wait, you're Jake's WIFE? 
HAYDEN:  Damn straight.  Jake, I missed you so much! 
JAKE:  Who the hell are you?
HAYDEN:  I'm Hayden Barnes.  Your friggin' WIFE!  Okay, that came out wrong.   I heard you were in a car accident that wiped out your memory. 
LIZ:  We'll see about that.
HAYDEN:  Are you going to let me in.  It's Upstate New York in March.
LIZ:  Fine, but I have a crapload of questions for you.  Like, Jake's accident was in OCTOBER.  It is now MARCH.   You took FIVE GODDAMN MONTHS to figure out your hubby was missing?
HAYDEN:  Well, we got into a huge fight and he needed his space.  Besides, Beechers Corners is still stuck in the 19th century and we rely on Pony Express for our news.   I found out, like, last week that he was in an accident.
LIZ:  Yeah, and I'm Violet, the Dowager Countess of Grantham.
JAKE:  Um, Uhlizabeth, if it helps, I don't know this woman from a hole in the wall.
HAYDEN:  Jake, yes that actually is your real name.  Jacob Barnes.   You go by Jake.
JAKE:  No wonder I remember the name Jake.
LIZ:  How do I know a certain person with a vested interest in Jake's disappearance from my house didn't, I don't know, hire you to make all this up.  I can think of at least two people who would pull something like this.  Where's the proof?   
HAYDEN:  The proof is in my hotel room at the Metro Court.  A woman named Carly says hi, by the way. 
LIZ:  Okay, three people.


KELLY'S

JULIAN:  Hey recently-discovered niece.  What's so intriguing on the interwebs?
KIKI:  Uncle Julian, this is a surprise.
JULIAN:  I decided to lend you a hand in getting my other niece away from one Michael Quartermaine and back into the Jerome fold.
KIKI:  Thanks, Uncle Julian, but Morgan and I have it covered.
JULIAN:  What's the plan?  If it's anything illegal, Uncle J's your guy.
KIKI:  Thanks, Uncle Julian.  If I change my mind, I'll be in touch.

Q MANSION

NED:  Hey, Michael, I forgot to congratulate you on snagging Baby AJ away from Sonny. 
MICHAEL:  I should be congratulating you.  Aaaaaaaa-choo!  Congrats on getting a baby au naturel. 
NED:  You're talking about me and Liv, right?   It was certainly unplanned.  Who knew the shop stayed open a little later for Quartermaines? 
MICHAEL:  Aaaaaaaaa-choo!   Damn allergies!
NED:  Are you on meds?  Claritin, Allegra, Zyrtec? 
MICHAEL:  Yeah, I just went down to the Port Chuckles CVS and refilled my perscription.  There was a very strange British woman there in a neck brace.   She kept asking if I had seen some doctor named Martin. 
NED:  You haven't been acquainted with Mrs. Tishell* yet?   Word is, she was paid a large sum of money by a mysterious group of people to flee her home country.  I smell Cassadine involvement, with a side of Jerry Jacks.
MICHAEL:  I'll have to--aaaaaaaaaachoo!--check that out.  

KELLY'S

MORGAN:  Voila!  Mikey's allergy meds!
KIKI:  What happened?  Did you run afoul of The Dominator?
MORGAN:  Are you kidding me?  The Dominator and I are thick as thieves.  She's the one who let me in.   Michael was the one who bloodied my lip.
KIKI:  Was he wasted when he slugged you?
MORGAN:  No, but it's only a matter of time before he will be and we get Avery back. 
KIKI:  What if he hurts Avery while he's trashed?  
MORGAN:  He won't hurt Avery.   I don't think...  Just to be safe, I swiped all the candles in the house.   I heard what happened over on Spoon Island.

OUTSIDE KELLY'S

OLIVIA:  Careful with the precious cargo. 
JULIAN:  Olivia?   Are you sure said precious cargo doesn't come with the Jerome insignia?
OLIVIA:  Keep dreaming, Julian.  This future Pele is all Q'ed up. 
NED:  That's right.  I'm the daddy!   How's my little future CEO? 
OLIVIA:  Making some serious noise about a corporate takeover.   See ya, Julian.

* Mrs. Tishell is a character on the hilarious and brilliant British TV series Doc Martin, which takes place in a fishing village in Cornwall, England, where the title character is a grumpy doctor with a fear of blood.  Worth a watch on Netflix.