Hush Money

  Ric pays Fake Jake, a.k.a. Pete to disappear and not mention anything to Liz about the Hayden ruse.  Carly gets all up in Hayden's face about claiming to be Jake's wife while Liz is convinced that Hayden is telling the truth.   Valerie finds herself in a bind thanks to Uncle Luke.  Lulu and Dante suspect Luke had been hiding out in Valerie's apartment.  Patrick bonds with Danny while Sam ponders Jake's ring comment. Nina and Franco are both released from Shadybrook. 

  BEHIND KELLY'S 

  PETE:  Cough up some dough, bro!
  RIC:  Get lost.  
  PETE:  Not until I get a couple of grand for my services. 
  RIC:  I already paid you, now scram before someone discovers you. 
  PETE:  I have a better idea.  I'll tell your precious Elizabeth what you're up to. 
  RIC:  10 Gs and you disappear, deal? 
  PETE:  I'll take it.
 
  METROCOURT

  CARLY:  Knock knock!   Just so ya know, I own this place and I think YOU (points to Hayden) are up to no good.
  HAYDEN:  What the hell?  I'm Jake's wife.  See the ring!   He's got one too. 
  CARLY:  Where did you find it, Rings R Us?   That proves exactly nothing. 
  HAYDEN:  Why is this ANY of your business as long as I pay for my room? 
  CARLY:  Cuz Jake here is my FRIEND and when I think my FRIEND is getting SCREWED OVER, I GET PISSED OFF!  
  HAYDEN:  So you aren't buying the ring, but I have a wedding picture.  See? 
  CARLY:  So you know how to use Photoshop. 
  HAYDEN:  Medical records. 
  LIZ:  I wanna see those.  I'm a nurse so I can read doctors' handwriting. 
  HAYDEN:  (hands Liz the medical records) 
  CARLY:  Now answer me this:  Where were you in OCTOBER, when Jake was RUN OVER BY A FRIGGIN' CAR???   Weren't you a little CONCERNED when he DIDN'T COME BACK?  
  HAYDEN:  He threw his wedding ring at me so I thought we were finished. 
  CARLY:  FIVE FRIGGIN' MONTHS!   You took FIVE FRIGGIN' MONTHS to be like, "Guess what?  MAYBE SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HIM??? 
  LIZ:  This is interesting.  Jake Barnes had the exact same brain surgery that you had, Jake.  These medical records belong to you and Hayden really is your wife.  
  CARLY:  So?  Everybody has had brain surgery at some point or another in this town.   Brain surgeries and gunshot wounds are what keep this hospital in business.   Not to mention Route 31, where every single accident occurs.  

 VALERIE'S APARTMENT

    LUKE:  Breakfast, darling niece.   It looks like you are a little tied up at the moment.   Well, it's a necessary evil.  But, I'll be a good uncle and take the duct tape off.   (takes tape off of Valerie's mouth) RRRRRIP!   Now have some scrambled eggs.  
   VALERIE:  (bites Luke)  You psycho!   I bet those eggs are poisoned.  
   LUKE:  Now that wasn't very nice, niece.  The last time I bit someone, I ended up in the loony bin.   Of course, I practically bit off the guy's ear.  
   VALERIE:  Who let you out of your cage?  
   LUKE:  Ha ha ha!  Now there's that Spencer sense of humor.  How's about telling me where my big sis is.
   VALERIE:  How many times do I have to tell you she's DEAD!
    LUKE:  Still not buying it.  Maybe my gullible wife and daughter can be had, but not Luke Spencer.  
   VALERIE:  You want to find my mother because she knows something and you're trying to keep her quiet, right?
   LUKE:  Knows?  Isn't it improper grammar to refer to the dead in the present tense.  
   VALERIE:  Fine, she's alive, but I'm not telling you where she is just so you can kill her.
   LUKE:  Okay, if that's the way you want to play it, I'll kill YOU instead.
   VALERIE:  You would kill a member of your own family?  (Unties rope behind her back, gets up and pushes Luke over.  Picks up ringing phone)  HELP ME!!!
   LUKE:  Nice try (disconnects phone) 
  
  
    KELLY'S

   DANTE:  So Patricia is dead? 
   LULU:  That's what my cousin Valerie said.  Valerie is Patricia's daughter.  
   DANTE:  What was she like? 
   LULU:  She seemed nice, but she was acting very weird, like there was something going on in her apartment that she didn't want Tracy and I to discover. 
   DANTE:  What did Tracy think of her? 
   LULU:  Tracy thinks she's hiding something.   We heard a noise while we were there that Valerie said was her cat, but Tracy isn't buying it.  
  DANTE:  Did it sound like there was someone there?  Someone like Luke? 
   LULU:  OMG!  I have to call Valerie to make sure my dad hasn't killed her!  

   COURTHOUSE

    SCOTT:  So I went to Shadybrook and it sounded like Franco was legitimately bonkers.  He mistook me, his own father, for a MONKEY!   
    FRANCO:  A Mon-Chi-Chi, pop!
    SCOTT:  But as we got to talking, he told me that the dose of LSD that he injected into himself to avoid a prison sentence had worn off and the crazypants act was a piece of performance art. 
     FRANCO:  Dammit!  
     SCOTT:  I'm sorry, son, but I'm doing my job as a district attorney.  
     FRANCO:  You sold me out.   Now my 10 year old lawyer is going to get me sent back to shiv city. 
     SCOTT:  Don't underestimate Sully.  He looks like a 4th grader, but he can lawyer with the best of 'em.  He'll find a way to blame this all on your mother.   It's called the Sigmund Freud defense. 

    SAM'S BEDROOM

     SAM:  What did Jake mean?   Was he talking about MY wedding ring?  
     PATRICK:  Sam, the guy suffers from terminal confusion.   Who knows why he was talking about rings with you.   
     SAM:  He was in here the night he tried to murder us and he saw the Phoenix and he apparently opened the canister while we were having shower sex and only found one ring. 
     DANNY:  Mommy!  Can I play?   Hey mister, are you Daddy? 
     PATRICK:  No, Danny, I'm not your daddy, but I'm your best buddy.   How's that. 
     DANNY:  Okay. 
    
    METROCOURT

    LIZ:  It looks like you and Hayden are married.  Nice knowing you, Jake. 
    JAKE: Don't go, Uhlizabeth!   I'm not in love with Hayden.  I'm in love with you.  
    LIZ:  But you need to try to make something work with your wife.   I don't want to be anybody's mistress. 
    JAKE:  Can you at least kiss me goodbye?  

     COURTHOUSE

     ALEXIS:  Your honor, my client was faking her mental breakdown in a horribly misguided attempt to help her dear friend and fellow mental patient Franco.  
     NINA:  This is sabotage!   You're going to get me sent back to the funny farm! 
     ALEXIS:  Nina has learned her lesson and she has regained her grip on reality.  
     JUDGE:  I'm going to have to think about this one. 
     NINA:  Hey judge, can I say something?  
     ALEXIS:  Nina, zip it!   If you want to be released from Shadybrook, put a sock in your piehole. 
     NINA:  May I please sit in that box, your honor?
     JUDGE:  I'll allow it.  
     NINA:  Your honor, I just wanted to let you know that Ava Jerome's baby is (sees Franco)
     FRANCO:  Free as a bird!
     NINA:  Ava Jerome's baby is Ava's and not mine.   I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused when I was pretending to be wackadoo.  
      JUDGE:  You may be seated, Mrs. Clay.   I move that Mrs. Clay be sprung from the nuthouse.