We Didn't Start The Fire...

...But Cameron did and he thinks he needs to lawyer up!   Poor Spencer is afraid his scars will turn him into the Phantom of the Opera.  Spinelli hits the gym...for romantic advice from Sonny.   Molly pushes Ric to join online dating sites to help him move on from Liz.  Maxie still can't make up her mind between Nathan and Spinelli.   Jake is finally pad-free and wants a break from Carly and her constant yabbering. 

    LIZ'S HOUSE

 CAMERON:  Mom, where's Ric? 
 LIZ:  Sweetie, we broke up! 
 CAMERON:  You CAN'T break up.  I need a lawyer! 
 LIZ:  Since when does a 10 year old need a lawyer? 
 CAMERON:  I started the fire that burned Spencer.  But it was an accident! 
 LIZ:  Whew!  For a minute there I thought I had a juvenile arsonist on my hands.  

   SHRINER'S HOSPITAL

  NIKOLAS:  Want a yummy Edible Arrangement, Spencer? 
  SPENCER:  No.  I'm a freak show!  My face is scarred for the rest of my life, father!   I'll have to wear a paper bag over my head so I don't scare small children. 
  NIKOLAS:  Aw, Spencer, you're not a freak.  Emma's here to see you.  
  SPENCER:  She can't see me like this!  
  EMMA:  Come on, Spencer!   I know it's you under there.  
  SPENCER:  You're not scared of me because of what my face looks like underneath all the bandages? 
  EMMA:  I don't have x-ray vision, Spencer.  Besides, you're a good person on the inside.  
  SPENCER:  Then I think I'll STAY inside, thank you very much. 
  EMMA:  Spencer, come on, let's play.  You remember how to play, right?  

   NIKOLAS:  Sam, how's life in Port Chuckles?  
   SAM:  Well, there's a mob war brewing and Jake's working for my dad.  Sonny and Michael are fighting over Avery.  Spinelli and Nathan are fighting over Maxie.  Carly has gone a whole month without shutting up, and Patrick and I are having the best sex ever.  By the way, what did you want to tell me?
   NIKOLAS: About?
   SAM:  The last time I saw you, you said you had something you needed to tell me but I pulled a Carly and wouldn't stop yakking.  What is it? 
   NIKOLAS:  I forgot. 
   SAM:  If you remember, you know how to reach me.  

   MAXIE'S APARTMENT

    NATHAN:  Remember in Georgie's hospital room when I said I loved you but you didn't answer?
    MAXIE: I didn't?   Blame it on the bad lighting.  
    NATHAN:  But do you love me, Maxie?  
    MAXIE:  Of course I love you, Nathan.  I love Spinelli too. 
    NATHAN:  Sorry, Maxie, I don't do menage-a-trois.   Pick one of us.  
    MAXIE:  Decisions, decisions!
    NATHAN:  So decide already!   You know where to find me when you've made up your fool mind. 

    GYM

     SONNY:  This is for Jake Doe (punches bag).  This is for Michael stealing my daughter from me.  (punches bag).  This is for Carly wanting to be Jake's best friend.  (punches bag)   This is for Julian Jerome trying to move in on my territory (punches bag)  This is for...
     SPINELLI:  Greetings, oh pugilistic one!   You'll never guess who I thought I laid my eyes on the other day. 
     SONNY:  Spinelli, long time no see.   I'm afraid my English-to-Spinelli dictionary is back at home.  Who did you think you saw?
     SPINELLI:  Stone Cold.   Alas, it was but a mirage.  The man I mistook for the magnificent Stone Cold was in actuality a man with the moniker Jake Doe. 
     SONNY:  You thought Jake Doe was Jason?   You must have been having a bad day because those two are NOTHING alike.  
     SPINELLI:  Perhaps you speak the truth, however, from a certain angle there is a remarkable resemblance between the two men in question. 
     SONNY:  Okay.
     SPINELLI:  So what shall I do to win back my fair Maximista?   Am I foolhardy to endeavor to compete with the musculature of one Nathan West? 
     SONNY:  What about Ellie?  She was a nice girl.  

      METROCOURT

      JAKE:  Guess who doesn't have to wear a pad on his head anymore? 
      CARLY:  I like this look a lot better.   Guess what?  Elizabeth and Ric are HISTORY!   Go get your little nursey lady.  
       JAKE:  Can we, like, not be friends anymore?   My new co-worker Carlos doesn't like you and I don't want to piss him off 'cuz he looks kinda sketchy.  
       CARLY:  Carlos?  PFFFFFFT!    You can't unfriend Carly Corinthos Jacks probably Corinthos again by the end of this year.   It just doesn't happen.  
       JAKE:  So being your friend is like being in the mob.  Once you're in, you can't get out. 
       CARLY:  Basically, yeah. 

      KELLY'S

      MOLLY:  So Dad, where's Elizabeth? 
      RIC:  I really need to do a better job of keeping my own daughter in the loop.  We broke up. 
      MOLLY:  Was it because of that pet project goon Jake Doe who doesn't even know what his real name is?   Typical Elizabeth.  Seriously, I think "Fix You" by Coldplay is her ringtone. 
       RIC:  It turns out she had a problem with my suggesting her project confess to his crimes and go to jail. 
       MOLLY:  So now you have to get back out there.   Tinder anyone?  
       RIC:  I don't think so.   I'm still in love with Elizabeth.  
       MOLLY:  But Elizabeth doesn't deserve an amazing guy like you, Dad.   You need to find a woman who isn't trying to fix you. 
       RIC:  Says the daughter who is trying to fix me up.