Liz is unsure about whether she wants to continue to live at Wyndemere because of her feelings toward Hayden. Anna and Griffin have a strange encounter. Sam gives her parents a wedding gift. Hayden meets with Tracy and Tracy's bizarre behavior takes a turn for the terrifying. Andre comforts Anna in the chapel. Nathan explains himself to Maxie.
NATHAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
MAXIE: Nathan West, you better WAKE THE HELL UP and tell me who Claudette is!
NATHAN: Um...uh...what?
MAXIE: CLAUDETTE? Does that name ring a bell to you?
NATHAN: CHILLAX, Max! Claudette was my FRENCH POODLE growing up.
MAXIE: Yeah, and Levi/Peter/Whatshispsychoface was a KANGAROO!
NATHAN: Jealous much? Claudette was a DOG, Maxie. A perfect, adorable, sweet dog, but a DOG!
HOSPITAL
ANNA: I KNOW I've seen you somewhere before!
GRIFFIN: Deja vu much?
ANNA: I'm probably just hallucinating. Everyone hallucinates in this town, really. It's as much a part of life in The Chuckles as teleportation or coming back from the dead. How's Kiki Jerome?
GRIFFIN: I see I have my work cut out for me here. Ms. Jerome's all ICU-ed up, but she's still among the living.
ANNA: Good to know.
FLOATING RIB
SAM: Hi Mom and Dad! What's a newlywed couple like you two doing at a place like this? I have a wedding gift for you that might class things up a little.
JULIAN & ALEXIS: A night in the Honeymoon Suite at the MetroCourt. Thank you, loving daughter!
HAYDEN: Hanging out at a pool hall? How very un-Quartermaine of you, Tracy.
TRACY: How little you know about me, Haychel.
HAYDEN: Au contraire! I know you were married seven times and ditched this town for the city from '96 to '03.
TRACY: And you point?
HAYDEN: You skipped town and left your loaded fam and your prized company behind for 7 years, that's my point!
SHRINERS' HOSPITALS FOR CHILDREN
LIZ: Doctor, how was Jake's surgery? Did you put Humpty Dumpty back together again?
SHRINERS DOC: He will be as good as new once his casts come off. Not a crack! It will be as if he never ran out in front of that car at all!
LIZ: Shriners Hospitals for Children is all the awesomeness! Shriners gives first-class pediatric care, even to the townie kiddos. A-plus, Shriners Hospitals! A-PLUS!
JASON: The Quartermaines have made a donation to Shriners Hospitals for Children.
NIKOLAS: Look who I brought to Shriners Hospitals for Children!
AIDEN: Hi Mommy! Hi Jason! See my cool bow tie!
CAMERON: Aiden and I are selling ties to benefit Shriners Hospitals for Children.
AIDEN: Can we see Jake now?
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
ANDRE: Permission to enter your inner sanctum, Anna?
ANNA: Permission granted.
ANDRE: What seems to be troubling you?
ANNA: Paul, Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos, prison, my 3,000 miles away family, an extremely handsome doctor I know I've seen before, but I can't remember where or when.
ANDRE: Well, some things that happen for the first time, sometimes seem to be happening again, Anna. That's called deja vu.
ANNA: I know what deja vu is, Dr. Maddox. Besides, what do you charge for in-chapel therapy sessions? Are your rates reduced because you're getting assistance from higher powers?
OUTSIDE NATHAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
FELICIA: What's going on, Maxie? Is Nathan going to die?
MAXIE: Nathan's going to be fine, Mom. He's just in love with a French girl that he insists was his childhood poodle. Some girl named Claudette.
FELICIA: And you think he's lying about Claudette's species? Why so suspicious of the hot cop?
MAXIE: Because of Lulu and Dante. If Dante can cheat on Lulu, then Nathan can cheat on me.
FELICIA: Well, life can be a soap opera sometimes. In this town, make that all the time!
FLOATING RIB
ALEXIS: Have you heard from Jason yet, Sam?
SAM: How would he know that all hell broke loose at your wedding? He's in Philly watching Jake be put back together again.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: Doc, how is my niece Kiki Jerome?
GRIFFIN: She's in the ICU.
JULIAN: Can we see her?
GRIFFIN: Only if you can de-camp her mother. It's one at a time in there.
FLOATING RIB
HAYDEN: My father was a complicated man who was vilified by the media. They photoshopped horns onto his head!
TRACY: My father was a complicated man too. We had our ups and downs, Daddy and me. After all, he did leave me with nothing but a jar of relish. But ELQ was his company that he built for his family.
HAYDEN: And that's why you want to steal it back from my hubby.
TRACY: I just realized something! We both have complicated fathers! We found some common ground, didn't we?
HAYDEN: You're really starting to worry me, Tracy! Start insulting and threatening me again so I can feel like you aren't about to croak on me. Tracy.
TRACY: I...um...father...company... seizure seizure seizure seizure seizure
HAYDEN: TRACY!!!!! (to Griffin) YOU, RANDOM HOT GUY, CALL 911 NOW!!!!
SHRINERS HOSPITALS FOR CHILDREN
NIKOLAS: When will Jake be able to come home and move back into Wyndemere with us?
LIZ: About that...Wyndemere won't work out for us. I sorta kinda despise Hayden.
JAKE: Wanna sign my cast, Dad?
JASON: Sure thing, kiddo!
CAMERON: Are you going to play baseball with us, Jake? I mean, are your casts going to be off by then?
JAKE: How do you play baseball? They didn't teach me that on the island. The Empress said that silly games with wands and orbs were pedestrian.
AIDEN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT??? Speak English, Jake.
JASON: We can teach you how, right boys?
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
ANNA: If Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos is found, he will surely turn me in for shooting him four times and I will go to prison, right along with him, but I will get justice for Duke.
ANDRE: So let me get this straight: You don't mind serving time in The Big House?
ANNA: It's not like anyone around here is counting on me. They can always see me on Family Day.
ANDRE: Wow, you're self esteem is in the sub-basement, Anna! In fact, it's so far down you need archaeologists to excavate it. Good thing archaeology is a hobby of mine! Grab a shovel, Anna. We're going on a dig!
NATHAN'S ROOM
FELICIA: Look what I got you, Nathan! Something to remember "Claudette" by.
NATHAN: (sees stuffed poodle) Oooooooookayyyyyyy
MAXIE: (to herself) I KNEW Claudette was human!
Monday, February 29, 2016
Friday, February 26, 2016
Fuller Hospital
You have to admit, the hospital was pretty full today, with Nathan getting serenaded by Mama Obrecht, Kiki getting serenaded by Mama Ava, and Morgan up on the roof having suicidal hallucinations. Meanwhile, Carly's scalding her hands trying to remove Kiki's blood. Franco and Nina are comforting Ava and looking in on Kiki. Paul has a trick up his sleeve to keep Ava out of jail and Jordan is super pissed that she was left out of the investigation. Oh, and enjoy the not-so-subtle nods to Fuller House :) I adored the original show growing up and the premiere eppy of the Netflix revival even mentioned GH!
NATHAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
OBRECHT: (singing) Einunzveizig dreizig zveizig vunderbar gewurtztraminer liebchen auf wiedersehn!
NATHAN: This is all very sweet, Mama Liesl, but if you're going to sing in a foreign language, can you at least make it French?
NINA: I'm with Jay. German just sounds really scary.
OBRECHT: Vere you viss Nassan ven he vas shot? Vy didn't you jump in front of him?
NINA: How RUDE!
HOSPITAL ROOF
MORGAN: I've screwed up too many times. I've hurt too many people.
HALLUCI-KIKI: Have no fear! Kiki is here!
MORGAN: Kiki! It's a mircale!!!!
HALLUCI-KIKI: Then why am I still bleeding?
MORGAN: Wait, now I'm confused. Did you get shot trying to protect me from getting shot or didn't you?
HALLUCI-KIKI: You know what happens when you think with the wrong part of your body... When Little Morgan's making the executive decisions, really weird stuff happens.
MORGAN: Little Morgan has let me down. He has failed me, Kiki! I have to put him and me out of our collective misery.
HOSPITAL
AVA: DAMMIT, HOT DOC! Just tell me how Kiki is. Is she alive? Dead? Crygenically frozen Cassadine-style?
GRIFFIN: She's out of surgery and being moved into the ICU.
AVA: Will she live? Will she walk out of here or am I going to have to steal a wheelchair from my worst enemy?
GRIFFIN: Sorry, Ms. Jerome. I left my Magic 8 Ball in the OR.
FRANCO: Don't you hate when that happens? I mean, how are you supposed to get any talking-to-the-family done now?
NINA: I meant what I said about Jay. I'm footing the bill for a guard outside his room so he doesn't do any copping while he's recovering.
OBRECHT: I don't know vat has come over me, but suddenly I feel like hugging it out viss you, Nina!
PCPD
JORDAN: You're in BIG TROUBLE, Mister!
PAUL: How many times do I have to tell you, Commish? I was UN-DER-CO-VER!
JORDAN: You were conducting a FEDERAL INVESTIGATION and you left me out of the loop!
PAUL: The Port Chuckles PCPD is a clown show, Commish! There was no WAY this outfit could have handled a major arms deal. NO FRIGGIN WAY!
JORDAN: And why hasn't Ava Jerome been arrested yet?
HOSPITAL
ANDRE: Who let the Morgan out?
NURSE: But...but...he had to PEE! He didn't want me seeing Little Morgan!
CARLY: I have Kiki's BLOOD on my hands, Sonny!
SONNY: Hey, it's not like I was movin' all them guns through my territory, Carly! How was I supposed to know Morgan was going to go all Elmer Fudd on those bastards?
CARLY: I TOLD you we needed to tie Morgan to a chair and force-feed him his meds!
NINA: I know I stole you baby and left the country with her after plunging needles into you, but I thought you would like Kiki's earrings. They are the height of fashion. Oh, and I sorta don't hate you anymore.
AVA: Thank you, Nina. I sorta don't hate you either.
FRANCO: Come on you two, HUG IT OUT!!!
PCPD
JORDAN: How DARE Paul conduct a federal investigation behind my back! With YOUR help! And here I thought you wanted to turn his ass in for being a mole for the mob.
ANNA: Um...it's complicated.
JORDAN: O to the MG, don't tell me you and Paul are...
ANNA: EW, NO!
JORDAN: I was going to say "in cahoots".
ANNA: Paul is the key to me nailing Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, which is the key to me nailing Julian Jerome and his little sister too. Don't arrest Paul until I arrest Carlos. Deal?
HOSPITAL BATHROOM
CARLY: (to self) Must. Wash. Kiki's. Blood. Off. My. Hands. DAMMIT! It's NOT COMING OFF!!!!!! (turns the water to scalding)
GRIFFIN: OCD much?
CARLY: I have blood on my hands, Hot Doctor! The blood of an innocent girl whose life is in your hands because I let MY SON loose on the pier. Unmedicated.
GRIFFIN: Well, think of it this way. You won't have anything on your hands for the next few days but these bandages. That's one helluva way to try to remove some dried blood.
CARLY: It's KIKI'S BLOOD, Hot Doc! Dear, sweet Kiki! Wait, aren't you the doc who helped my hubby lie to me about being able to walk?
GRIFFIN: I always knew that Doctor-Patient Confidentiality thing would come back to bite me in the form of a hot-handed wife of a mob boss.
NATHAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
MAXIE: James Nathan Ryan West Paevey Reeves Obrecht, I know you're doped up on the joy juice, but will you marry me?
NATHAN: Nah, not feeling it. I don't think you're feeling it either because five minutes ago you were a charter member of the Marriage is Stupid club.
MAXIE: But...but...I cancelled my membership!
NATHAN: It looks like your cancellation hasn't gone through yet. Try again later. Better yet, let ME try again later, Claudette. (drifts off to sleep)
MAXIE: OMG, who the hell's Claudette? Is Nathan cheating on me with a FRENCH WOMAN????
HOSPITAL ROOF
MICHAEL: Morgan, you forgot your jetpack. It's a little dangerous to jump off the roof without one.
MORGAN: Leave me and Kiki alone, Mikey.
MICHAEL: Hate to break it to you, little bro, but you're having a hallucination. Kiki's on her way to ICU. Now get your ass down from the ledge!
ANDRE: (to self) Oh boy, we have a jumper... (to Morgan) Hello from the other side! If you jump now you will die! And your family, they will be so sad 'cuz you're gone.
MORGAN: Leave me alone, Shrink! Me and Little Morgan, we don't want any more of your stupid meds!
ANDRE: Is that why you went off them? You know Big Pharma has a solution to your Little Morgan problem too.
MORGAN: SCREW Big Pharma! SCREW all your psychobabble!
SONNY: Hey Morgan! Good news! I can walk! It's a miracle! If I can get better, you can get better too.
MORGAN: SCREW miracles! SCREW EVERYTHING!!!! Jumping on three. ONE! TWO!
SONNY: If you're jumpin', son, you're takin' me with you! Lucky for us, I brought some bungee cords. Ready for a father-son adventure? We'll survive the fall, but then your mother will kill us, so we'd be better off if we both climb down now and save her the trouble. You got it, son?
MORGAN: Fine. You got it, dude. I mean, Dad.
HOSPITAL
PAUL: How's Kiki Watch going?
AVA: It's all YOUR FAULT!!!! You made me run guns with Raj! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU AND THAT STUPID INCRIMINATING FLASH DRIVE!!!!
PAUL: And here I thought Morgan was off HIS rocker! If you'd calm down for two seconds and HAVE MERCY on me, I'll show you your Get Out of Jail Free Card.
PCPD
JORDAN: I have a warrant for Ava Jerome's arrest.
PAUL: No can do. Read it and weep. (shows Jordan Ava's immunity deal).
ICU
AVA: Kiki, oh Kiki! Rockabye Kiki, in the ICU. When machines beep, it's loud in this room. When you wake up, we'll have some fondue. And watch some Netflix and drink some wine too!
OUTSIDE ICU
ANNA: Poor, poor Kiki. In the wrong place at the wrong time.
BY HOSPITAL ELEVATOR
SONNY & CARLY: Morgan, we love you.
ANDRE: Morgan, Shadybrook won't be so bad. I hear there's a lady there who will let you beat her at Checkers every time. Just stay away from anyone carrying a needle and asking you where she can get a BLT. Not unless you want to go on a long and very strange trip.
NATHAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
OBRECHT: (singing) Einunzveizig dreizig zveizig vunderbar gewurtztraminer liebchen auf wiedersehn!
NATHAN: This is all very sweet, Mama Liesl, but if you're going to sing in a foreign language, can you at least make it French?
NINA: I'm with Jay. German just sounds really scary.
OBRECHT: Vere you viss Nassan ven he vas shot? Vy didn't you jump in front of him?
NINA: How RUDE!
HOSPITAL ROOF
MORGAN: I've screwed up too many times. I've hurt too many people.
HALLUCI-KIKI: Have no fear! Kiki is here!
MORGAN: Kiki! It's a mircale!!!!
HALLUCI-KIKI: Then why am I still bleeding?
MORGAN: Wait, now I'm confused. Did you get shot trying to protect me from getting shot or didn't you?
HALLUCI-KIKI: You know what happens when you think with the wrong part of your body... When Little Morgan's making the executive decisions, really weird stuff happens.
MORGAN: Little Morgan has let me down. He has failed me, Kiki! I have to put him and me out of our collective misery.
HOSPITAL
AVA: DAMMIT, HOT DOC! Just tell me how Kiki is. Is she alive? Dead? Crygenically frozen Cassadine-style?
GRIFFIN: She's out of surgery and being moved into the ICU.
AVA: Will she live? Will she walk out of here or am I going to have to steal a wheelchair from my worst enemy?
GRIFFIN: Sorry, Ms. Jerome. I left my Magic 8 Ball in the OR.
FRANCO: Don't you hate when that happens? I mean, how are you supposed to get any talking-to-the-family done now?
NINA: I meant what I said about Jay. I'm footing the bill for a guard outside his room so he doesn't do any copping while he's recovering.
OBRECHT: I don't know vat has come over me, but suddenly I feel like hugging it out viss you, Nina!
PCPD
JORDAN: You're in BIG TROUBLE, Mister!
PAUL: How many times do I have to tell you, Commish? I was UN-DER-CO-VER!
JORDAN: You were conducting a FEDERAL INVESTIGATION and you left me out of the loop!
PAUL: The Port Chuckles PCPD is a clown show, Commish! There was no WAY this outfit could have handled a major arms deal. NO FRIGGIN WAY!
JORDAN: And why hasn't Ava Jerome been arrested yet?
HOSPITAL
ANDRE: Who let the Morgan out?
NURSE: But...but...he had to PEE! He didn't want me seeing Little Morgan!
CARLY: I have Kiki's BLOOD on my hands, Sonny!
SONNY: Hey, it's not like I was movin' all them guns through my territory, Carly! How was I supposed to know Morgan was going to go all Elmer Fudd on those bastards?
CARLY: I TOLD you we needed to tie Morgan to a chair and force-feed him his meds!
NINA: I know I stole you baby and left the country with her after plunging needles into you, but I thought you would like Kiki's earrings. They are the height of fashion. Oh, and I sorta don't hate you anymore.
AVA: Thank you, Nina. I sorta don't hate you either.
FRANCO: Come on you two, HUG IT OUT!!!
PCPD
JORDAN: How DARE Paul conduct a federal investigation behind my back! With YOUR help! And here I thought you wanted to turn his ass in for being a mole for the mob.
ANNA: Um...it's complicated.
JORDAN: O to the MG, don't tell me you and Paul are...
ANNA: EW, NO!
JORDAN: I was going to say "in cahoots".
ANNA: Paul is the key to me nailing Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, which is the key to me nailing Julian Jerome and his little sister too. Don't arrest Paul until I arrest Carlos. Deal?
HOSPITAL BATHROOM
CARLY: (to self) Must. Wash. Kiki's. Blood. Off. My. Hands. DAMMIT! It's NOT COMING OFF!!!!!! (turns the water to scalding)
GRIFFIN: OCD much?
CARLY: I have blood on my hands, Hot Doctor! The blood of an innocent girl whose life is in your hands because I let MY SON loose on the pier. Unmedicated.
GRIFFIN: Well, think of it this way. You won't have anything on your hands for the next few days but these bandages. That's one helluva way to try to remove some dried blood.
CARLY: It's KIKI'S BLOOD, Hot Doc! Dear, sweet Kiki! Wait, aren't you the doc who helped my hubby lie to me about being able to walk?
GRIFFIN: I always knew that Doctor-Patient Confidentiality thing would come back to bite me in the form of a hot-handed wife of a mob boss.
NATHAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
MAXIE: James Nathan Ryan West Paevey Reeves Obrecht, I know you're doped up on the joy juice, but will you marry me?
NATHAN: Nah, not feeling it. I don't think you're feeling it either because five minutes ago you were a charter member of the Marriage is Stupid club.
MAXIE: But...but...I cancelled my membership!
NATHAN: It looks like your cancellation hasn't gone through yet. Try again later. Better yet, let ME try again later, Claudette. (drifts off to sleep)
MAXIE: OMG, who the hell's Claudette? Is Nathan cheating on me with a FRENCH WOMAN????
HOSPITAL ROOF
MICHAEL: Morgan, you forgot your jetpack. It's a little dangerous to jump off the roof without one.
MORGAN: Leave me and Kiki alone, Mikey.
MICHAEL: Hate to break it to you, little bro, but you're having a hallucination. Kiki's on her way to ICU. Now get your ass down from the ledge!
ANDRE: (to self) Oh boy, we have a jumper... (to Morgan) Hello from the other side! If you jump now you will die! And your family, they will be so sad 'cuz you're gone.
MORGAN: Leave me alone, Shrink! Me and Little Morgan, we don't want any more of your stupid meds!
ANDRE: Is that why you went off them? You know Big Pharma has a solution to your Little Morgan problem too.
MORGAN: SCREW Big Pharma! SCREW all your psychobabble!
SONNY: Hey Morgan! Good news! I can walk! It's a miracle! If I can get better, you can get better too.
MORGAN: SCREW miracles! SCREW EVERYTHING!!!! Jumping on three. ONE! TWO!
SONNY: If you're jumpin', son, you're takin' me with you! Lucky for us, I brought some bungee cords. Ready for a father-son adventure? We'll survive the fall, but then your mother will kill us, so we'd be better off if we both climb down now and save her the trouble. You got it, son?
MORGAN: Fine. You got it, dude. I mean, Dad.
HOSPITAL
PAUL: How's Kiki Watch going?
AVA: It's all YOUR FAULT!!!! You made me run guns with Raj! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU AND THAT STUPID INCRIMINATING FLASH DRIVE!!!!
PAUL: And here I thought Morgan was off HIS rocker! If you'd calm down for two seconds and HAVE MERCY on me, I'll show you your Get Out of Jail Free Card.
PCPD
JORDAN: I have a warrant for Ava Jerome's arrest.
PAUL: No can do. Read it and weep. (shows Jordan Ava's immunity deal).
ICU
AVA: Kiki, oh Kiki! Rockabye Kiki, in the ICU. When machines beep, it's loud in this room. When you wake up, we'll have some fondue. And watch some Netflix and drink some wine too!
OUTSIDE ICU
ANNA: Poor, poor Kiki. In the wrong place at the wrong time.
BY HOSPITAL ELEVATOR
SONNY & CARLY: Morgan, we love you.
ANDRE: Morgan, Shadybrook won't be so bad. I hear there's a lady there who will let you beat her at Checkers every time. Just stay away from anyone carrying a needle and asking you where she can get a BLT. Not unless you want to go on a long and very strange trip.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Up On The Roof
It's finally February 20 in Port Chuckles and Morgan's in restraints, Kiki's in surgery, Hayden's chatting with Curtis at the crime scene, and Lulu's drying out and warming up in her hospital bed. Over at Shriners Hospital for Children in Philly, Jason, Liz, and Monica are talking it all out about love, lies, and little Jake.
MORGAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
MORGAN: LET ME OUT OF THESE GODDAMN SHACKLES, MIKEY!!!!
MICHAEL: Want some apple juice?
MORGAN: I DON'T WANT NO STINKIN' JUICE THROUGH A STRAW BECAUSE MY WRISTS ARE IN THESE STUPID STRAPS!!!!
MICHAEL: Sucks about those restraints, but your shrink says they're for your own good. And for the good of anyone you may consider a wascally wabbit.
MORGAN: How am I supposed to help KIIIIIKIIIII if I'm chained to this bed, Mikey?
MICHAEL: Unless you got some secret medical degree while you were away at military school, there isn't much you can do for Kiki right now.
HOSPITAL
AVA: How's Kiki? Is she going to live? PLEASE tell me she's going to live! She's my KIIIIKIIII!
GRIFFIN: She's going into surgery right now, Ms. Jerome. We're going to try our bestest!
FRANCO: You better try your better than bestest because, you know, I used to be a serial killer.
GRIFFIN: Good to know. I'll alert my team.
LULU'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DANTE: I'm feeling all the love feels for Lulu right now.
LAURA: Thank you for saving her life. Somewhere along the line, Luke and I forgot to get her some swimming lessons. Kinda regretting that now.
DANTE: Surely there's a Y somewhere in Port Chuckles. It's never too late. She and Rocco can take lessons at the same time.
SHRINERS HOSPITALS FOR CHILDREN
MONICA: Shriners Hospitals for Children is the best hospital that ever existed!
JASON: What about GH? You know, the hospital in Port Chuckles where, as far as I remember, you spent your entire career?
MONICA: Jason, everybody knows GH is but a FICTIONAL hospital on a SOAP OPERA!
JASON: Yeah, I guess I forgot that. Memory's still not all the way back.
MORGAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
MORGAN: Nurse, I gotta pee.
NURSE: Bedpan coming right up.
MORGAN: Um, NO! There is NO FRIGGIN WAY I'm showing you Little Morgan this early in our relationship.
NURSE: Excuse me, we're in a relationship?
MORGAN: We could be if you unstrap me and let me use the toilet like a normal person.
NURSE: About that, you're kinda in restraints for a reason.
MORGAN: Pretty please with a cherry, no make that TEN CHERRIES on top.
NURSE: Cherries aren't my scene.
MORGAN: Then whatever the hell you want on top. Just let me outta here for 2 seconds. That's how long it will take for me to pee. 2 seconds.
NURSE: FINE!!!! Make it snappy.
PIER 54
CURTIS: Do you always hang out at crime scenes?
HAYDEN: No, but when I do it's at this pier. I just need to think some thinks about how gunshots give me PTSD after, well, you know.
CURTIS: Nice rock! Who gave that to you? A prince?
HAYDEN: Damn straight! Prince Nikolas Cassadine, my new hubby. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.
CURTIS: Don't tell me Mr. Blue Blood is the dude who tried to put you in the ground! Death wish much?
HAYDEN: You ARE familiar with the concept of leverage, aren't you?
LULU'S HOSPITAL ROOM
LULU: Mom? Dante? Is this real life? Why did I dream about so much water. Cold water. Was I back in Stavros's freezer?
DANTE: No, you were in Port Chuckles Harbor getting your glug on.
LULU: OH YEAH! There was this really mean, scary guy who wanted to throw a party on The Haunted Star, but then he slapped duct tape over my mouth, threw away my phone, and the next thing I remember was all that water. Why did NO ONE teach me how to swim?
NIKOLAS: Hello, little sister. I'm happy to see you're not at the bottom of Port Chuckles Harbor.
LULU: I would have been fish food if Dante hadn't saved my life. I'm not ready to undivorce him yet.
NIKOLAS: Well, you can always stay at Wyndemere as long as you be nice to Hayden.
HOSPITAL
AVA: It's not ALL Morgan's fault that Kiki got shot. The universe is just paying me back for killing Connie.
MORGAN: How's Kiki?
AVA: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, MORGAN! She might DIE because she was helping YOU not get shot.
FRANCO: Morgan, go to your room!
MORGAN: KIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIII!!!!!! (Hides behind wall)
DOCTOR: Damn bullet's stuck!
AVA: Is she going to be paralyzed?
DOCTOR: That's the $64,000 question.
AVA: This is ALL Morgan's fault.
SHRINERS HOSPITALS FOR CHILDREN
JASON: You know, Monica, even though she lied to me for SEVEN MONTHS, Liz has repented and she's become the Jake Whisperer.
LIZ: Thanks for having my back, even though I lied to you and stole you from Sam and Danny and Monica because I wanted to play happy families with you.
JASON: Hey, at least you got Jake off the put Mommy and Daddy back together train and 'fessed up to him about the 7-month lie.
LIZ: Let's be friends.
JASON: I'm down with that.
LIZ: Have I extolled the virtues of Shriners Hospitals for Children yet today?
HOSPITAL
NIKOLAS: Just in case you were curious, Hayden wasn't shot.
LAURA: This Snickers bar is as delicious as Shriners Hospitals for Children is second to none in patient care. Oh, what was that about your untrustworthy wife?
NIKOLAS: She was having flashbacks to being shot last year.
LAURA: By YOUR goon! If she finds out, you're screwed.
NIKOLAS: How is she going to find out? She doesn't even know what my goon LOOKS LIKE! Is she going to somehow find the bullet, run a ballistics test and figure out it didn't come from Shawn Butler's gun? What are the chances?
LULU'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DANTE: Guess what, Lulu? You're getting sprung! What do you say to coming home to your hubby who just saved your life?
LULU: But Wyndemere doesn't have The Bed of Infidelity in it.
HOSPITAL ROOF
MORGAN: KIIIIIKIIIIII'S DYING AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT! Let me climb up on this here ledge and...HOLY CRAP IT'S A LONG WAY DOWN!!!
HOSPITAL
AVA: Hot doctor, how's Kiki and why do you have that bad news look on you face?
GRIFFIN: Well...
MORGAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
MORGAN: LET ME OUT OF THESE GODDAMN SHACKLES, MIKEY!!!!
MICHAEL: Want some apple juice?
MORGAN: I DON'T WANT NO STINKIN' JUICE THROUGH A STRAW BECAUSE MY WRISTS ARE IN THESE STUPID STRAPS!!!!
MICHAEL: Sucks about those restraints, but your shrink says they're for your own good. And for the good of anyone you may consider a wascally wabbit.
MORGAN: How am I supposed to help KIIIIIKIIIII if I'm chained to this bed, Mikey?
MICHAEL: Unless you got some secret medical degree while you were away at military school, there isn't much you can do for Kiki right now.
HOSPITAL
AVA: How's Kiki? Is she going to live? PLEASE tell me she's going to live! She's my KIIIIKIIII!
GRIFFIN: She's going into surgery right now, Ms. Jerome. We're going to try our bestest!
FRANCO: You better try your better than bestest because, you know, I used to be a serial killer.
GRIFFIN: Good to know. I'll alert my team.
LULU'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DANTE: I'm feeling all the love feels for Lulu right now.
LAURA: Thank you for saving her life. Somewhere along the line, Luke and I forgot to get her some swimming lessons. Kinda regretting that now.
DANTE: Surely there's a Y somewhere in Port Chuckles. It's never too late. She and Rocco can take lessons at the same time.
SHRINERS HOSPITALS FOR CHILDREN
MONICA: Shriners Hospitals for Children is the best hospital that ever existed!
JASON: What about GH? You know, the hospital in Port Chuckles where, as far as I remember, you spent your entire career?
MONICA: Jason, everybody knows GH is but a FICTIONAL hospital on a SOAP OPERA!
JASON: Yeah, I guess I forgot that. Memory's still not all the way back.
MORGAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
MORGAN: Nurse, I gotta pee.
NURSE: Bedpan coming right up.
MORGAN: Um, NO! There is NO FRIGGIN WAY I'm showing you Little Morgan this early in our relationship.
NURSE: Excuse me, we're in a relationship?
MORGAN: We could be if you unstrap me and let me use the toilet like a normal person.
NURSE: About that, you're kinda in restraints for a reason.
MORGAN: Pretty please with a cherry, no make that TEN CHERRIES on top.
NURSE: Cherries aren't my scene.
MORGAN: Then whatever the hell you want on top. Just let me outta here for 2 seconds. That's how long it will take for me to pee. 2 seconds.
NURSE: FINE!!!! Make it snappy.
PIER 54
CURTIS: Do you always hang out at crime scenes?
HAYDEN: No, but when I do it's at this pier. I just need to think some thinks about how gunshots give me PTSD after, well, you know.
CURTIS: Nice rock! Who gave that to you? A prince?
HAYDEN: Damn straight! Prince Nikolas Cassadine, my new hubby. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.
CURTIS: Don't tell me Mr. Blue Blood is the dude who tried to put you in the ground! Death wish much?
HAYDEN: You ARE familiar with the concept of leverage, aren't you?
LULU'S HOSPITAL ROOM
LULU: Mom? Dante? Is this real life? Why did I dream about so much water. Cold water. Was I back in Stavros's freezer?
DANTE: No, you were in Port Chuckles Harbor getting your glug on.
LULU: OH YEAH! There was this really mean, scary guy who wanted to throw a party on The Haunted Star, but then he slapped duct tape over my mouth, threw away my phone, and the next thing I remember was all that water. Why did NO ONE teach me how to swim?
NIKOLAS: Hello, little sister. I'm happy to see you're not at the bottom of Port Chuckles Harbor.
LULU: I would have been fish food if Dante hadn't saved my life. I'm not ready to undivorce him yet.
NIKOLAS: Well, you can always stay at Wyndemere as long as you be nice to Hayden.
HOSPITAL
AVA: It's not ALL Morgan's fault that Kiki got shot. The universe is just paying me back for killing Connie.
MORGAN: How's Kiki?
AVA: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, MORGAN! She might DIE because she was helping YOU not get shot.
FRANCO: Morgan, go to your room!
MORGAN: KIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIII!!!!!! (Hides behind wall)
DOCTOR: Damn bullet's stuck!
AVA: Is she going to be paralyzed?
DOCTOR: That's the $64,000 question.
AVA: This is ALL Morgan's fault.
SHRINERS HOSPITALS FOR CHILDREN
JASON: You know, Monica, even though she lied to me for SEVEN MONTHS, Liz has repented and she's become the Jake Whisperer.
LIZ: Thanks for having my back, even though I lied to you and stole you from Sam and Danny and Monica because I wanted to play happy families with you.
JASON: Hey, at least you got Jake off the put Mommy and Daddy back together train and 'fessed up to him about the 7-month lie.
LIZ: Let's be friends.
JASON: I'm down with that.
LIZ: Have I extolled the virtues of Shriners Hospitals for Children yet today?
HOSPITAL
NIKOLAS: Just in case you were curious, Hayden wasn't shot.
LAURA: This Snickers bar is as delicious as Shriners Hospitals for Children is second to none in patient care. Oh, what was that about your untrustworthy wife?
NIKOLAS: She was having flashbacks to being shot last year.
LAURA: By YOUR goon! If she finds out, you're screwed.
NIKOLAS: How is she going to find out? She doesn't even know what my goon LOOKS LIKE! Is she going to somehow find the bullet, run a ballistics test and figure out it didn't come from Shawn Butler's gun? What are the chances?
LULU'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DANTE: Guess what, Lulu? You're getting sprung! What do you say to coming home to your hubby who just saved your life?
LULU: But Wyndemere doesn't have The Bed of Infidelity in it.
HOSPITAL ROOF
MORGAN: KIIIIIKIIIIII'S DYING AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT! Let me climb up on this here ledge and...HOLY CRAP IT'S A LONG WAY DOWN!!!
HOSPITAL
AVA: Hot doctor, how's Kiki and why do you have that bad news look on you face?
GRIFFIN: Well...
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Julian & Alexis's Wedding, Part IV: Sonny Gets Vertical. Carly Throws Guns.
The blood, guns, hostages, and hysteria continues today, as does February 19. It's beginning to remind me of October 31, 2014, which lasted about two weeks. Dixon threatens Alexis's daughters and holds Kristina at gunpoint. Nathan continues to bleed on the floor of the church as Kiki is taken by ambulance to GH. Of all the times for the medical teleporter to be on the fritz! A hysterical Morgan is desperate to see Kiki. Dante comes to Lulu's rescue. Jordan is upset when Andre intervenes in the Morgan situation. Anna is super pissed at Paul.
CHURCH
DIXON: I have a fun idea! How about I piss Corinthos off by killing his daughter right in front of him! Which one of you three chickadees calls Sonny her daddy?
MOLLY & KRISTINA: OMG OMG OMG!
SAM: That would be me.
DIXON: Sorry! Try again!
ALEXIS: (to herself) OMG MAKE THIS STOP MAKE THIS STOP MAKE THIS STOP!!!!!
MAXIE: Hello? Hot boyfriend bleeding to death down here!
LUCAS: Come on, Mr. Bad Guy With A Gun, can't you let me do my doctoring here so this dude my cousin's in love with doesn't die?
DIXON: SIDDOWN AND SHADDUP OR YOU'RE A DEAD DUDE TOO!!!
NINA: Um, excuse me, Mr. Scary Gun Guy, but the man you shot is my brother.
DIXON: I SAID SIDDOWN!!!!!
FRANCO: Have you ever considered anger management? Perhaps art therapy could help.
PIER
PAUL: Damn, Ava's gonna be super pissed at me now that her kid got shot because Sonny's kid's off his rocker.
CARLY: For your information, Morgan is SICK! Sick as in bipolar. Little Morgan made him go off his meds.
ANNA: This operation has been an EPIC FAIL!
PAUL: You can say that again. If the Corinthos kid used the right organ to think, we'd be shutting down a massive arms deal right now.
CARLY: I don't have to listen to this! (Storms away)
PCPD
MORGAN: KIIIIIIKIIIIII, oh KIIIIIIKIIIII! You gotta let me outta here so I can see KIIIIIKIIIII!
MICHAEL: (to himself) My ears are bleeding. MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!!! (to Morgan) You gotta calm down, little bro. Like, seriously.
JORDAN: Put him in a holding cell.
ANDRE: Not. Gonna. Happen. Kid's my patient. He's coming to GH with me.
MORGAN: WHO THE HELL CALLED MY SHRINK????
MICHAEL: Hello, Morgan? You know who else is at the hospital right now? KIKI!
MORGAN: My KIIIIIIKIIIIII!
ANDRE: Morgan's coming with me.
JORDAN: Who do you think you are, marching onto MY TURF and stealing MY SUSPECTS?
ANDRE: Um, hello? Suicide risk. He needs to get admitted to the psych ward STAT!
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: MARCO! Lulu, that's your cue. You gotta yell POLO so I can save your life.
LULU: Glug glug glug...polo...glug glug glug.
DANTE: OMG, LULU! (jumps into Port Chuckles Harbor, swims around, finds Lulu floating helplessly in the water, grabs her, and pulls her up onto the boat) Damn, who never taught you how to swim? Come on, LULU! Look alive! BREATHE!!!!!
LULU: Glug glug spit spit
DANTE: YOU'RE ALIVE!!!!
CHURCH
SONNY: $2 million for you to disappear and leave us all the hell alone!
JULIAN: Make that $5 million.
AVA: I volunteer as tribute!
NIKOLAS: I'm a Cassadine with helicopters at my disposal.
DIXON: FOR THE LAST DAMN TIME WHERE'S SONNY'S DAUGHTER???
KRISTINA: Dammit, I'M SONNY'S DAUGHTER!
MOLLY: OMG OMG KRISTINA ARE YOU INSANE???
DIXON: Prepare to DIE, girlie! PREPARE TO DIE!!!!
MOLLY: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
ALEXIS: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
SONNY: (stands up from his wheelchair and knocks Dixon to the ground ) THE SONNY HAS RISEN!!! Who's powerless NOW!
CARLY: What the HELL, SONNY? SINCE WHEN ARE YOU VERTICAL???
SONNY: CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING???
CARLY: Ava, by the way, Kiki's been shot. My jacket is covered in her blood.
AVA: KIIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! (Runs out of church in hysterics)
HOSPITAL
MORGAN: I gotta see Kiki. I gotta see Kiki. I gotta see Kiki.
ANDRE: You're going nowhere, kid. Consider yourself admitted.
PARAMEDIC: Female, early 20s, gunshot wound to chest, this don't look so good.
MORGAN: KIIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIII!
MICHAEL: You can't go in there!
MORGAN: SCREW YOU! I'M COMING KIIIIIKIIII!!!! I'M COMING!!!!
PARAMEDIC: Male, early 30s, GSW to shoulder. I think this one's gonna live.
NATHAN: See, I'm just fine! It's not like I haven't done this before. Does December 2014 ring a bell?
DANTE: Can a dude get a gurney???? I have a waterlogged wife here! Not like she weighs more than 90 lbs soaking wet, but you guys have to make sure she's all de-glugged and everything.
CHURCH
KRISTINA: OMG, thanks for saving my life, Dad. Literally!
SONNY: What, no "Hallelujah, Dad has risen?" Nah, just kiddin'.
HAYDEN: For the record, I liked our wedding, with Burger King and The Clown a LOT better.
NIKOLAS: What can I say? A Cassadine wedding wouldn't be the same if it didn't take place in some sort of castle.
PAUL: How 'bout the two of us, keeping the casualty count at two?
ANNA: Go to hell, Hornsby!
JORDAN: That goes double for me.
PIER
CARLY: THIS ASSAULT RIFLE WENT TO MARKET (throws a gun from the crate into the harbor) THIS ASSAULT RIFLE WENT HOME (throws another gun into the harbor) THIS ASSAULT RIFLE HAD ROAST BEEF. (throws a third gun into the harbor) THIS ASSAULT RIFLE HAD...
SONNY: What the hell, CARLY???
CARLY: Liar, liar, pants on fire!
SONNY: But if I didn't lie, that awesome scene where I rose from my wheelchair, kicked Dixon's ass and saved Kristina's life never would have happened. It's the element of surprise, Carly! The element of surprise!
CARLY: SCREW the element of surprise, SONNY! You KNEW this gun deal was going down and YOU KNEW Morgan was unhinged because Little Morgan said NO to drugs.
SONNY: Come on, Carly! No "YAY, you can walk!"? No congratulatory nookie?
CARLY: Kiki was SHOT, Sonny! She's at the hospital with lead in her chest and she might DIE because of mobs and guns and territory and Morgan's erectile dysfunction!
HOSPITAL
AVA: Kiki's in there dying and IT'S ALL MORGAN'S FAULT!!!!!
MORGAN: I didn't hurt Kiki! Big Bad Gun Guy did! It's all HIS FAULT I might lose my KIIIIIKIIIIII!
AVA: YOUR KIKI???? YOU DITCHED HER FOR SLUT BARBIE, YOU BASTARD. SHE'S MY KIKI AND SHE MIGHT DIE AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!
ER CUBICLE
AVA: Kiki, it's Mommy. PLEASE LIVE, KIKI! PRETTY PLEASE WITH ANYTHING YOU WANT ON TOP!!!!
CHURCH
ALEXIS: That was one HELL of a wedding. The only thing missing was my demented and thankfully departed stepmother.
JULIAN: No kidding! At least we got to say our vows before it all hit the fan.
ALEXIS: Just so you know, this is SO not your fault because I believe you're still 100% mob free.
CHURCH
DIXON: I have a fun idea! How about I piss Corinthos off by killing his daughter right in front of him! Which one of you three chickadees calls Sonny her daddy?
MOLLY & KRISTINA: OMG OMG OMG!
SAM: That would be me.
DIXON: Sorry! Try again!
ALEXIS: (to herself) OMG MAKE THIS STOP MAKE THIS STOP MAKE THIS STOP!!!!!
MAXIE: Hello? Hot boyfriend bleeding to death down here!
LUCAS: Come on, Mr. Bad Guy With A Gun, can't you let me do my doctoring here so this dude my cousin's in love with doesn't die?
DIXON: SIDDOWN AND SHADDUP OR YOU'RE A DEAD DUDE TOO!!!
NINA: Um, excuse me, Mr. Scary Gun Guy, but the man you shot is my brother.
DIXON: I SAID SIDDOWN!!!!!
FRANCO: Have you ever considered anger management? Perhaps art therapy could help.
PIER
PAUL: Damn, Ava's gonna be super pissed at me now that her kid got shot because Sonny's kid's off his rocker.
CARLY: For your information, Morgan is SICK! Sick as in bipolar. Little Morgan made him go off his meds.
ANNA: This operation has been an EPIC FAIL!
PAUL: You can say that again. If the Corinthos kid used the right organ to think, we'd be shutting down a massive arms deal right now.
CARLY: I don't have to listen to this! (Storms away)
PCPD
MORGAN: KIIIIIIKIIIIII, oh KIIIIIIKIIIII! You gotta let me outta here so I can see KIIIIIKIIIII!
MICHAEL: (to himself) My ears are bleeding. MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!!! (to Morgan) You gotta calm down, little bro. Like, seriously.
JORDAN: Put him in a holding cell.
ANDRE: Not. Gonna. Happen. Kid's my patient. He's coming to GH with me.
MORGAN: WHO THE HELL CALLED MY SHRINK????
MICHAEL: Hello, Morgan? You know who else is at the hospital right now? KIKI!
MORGAN: My KIIIIIIKIIIIII!
ANDRE: Morgan's coming with me.
JORDAN: Who do you think you are, marching onto MY TURF and stealing MY SUSPECTS?
ANDRE: Um, hello? Suicide risk. He needs to get admitted to the psych ward STAT!
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: MARCO! Lulu, that's your cue. You gotta yell POLO so I can save your life.
LULU: Glug glug glug...polo...glug glug glug.
DANTE: OMG, LULU! (jumps into Port Chuckles Harbor, swims around, finds Lulu floating helplessly in the water, grabs her, and pulls her up onto the boat) Damn, who never taught you how to swim? Come on, LULU! Look alive! BREATHE!!!!!
LULU: Glug glug spit spit
DANTE: YOU'RE ALIVE!!!!
CHURCH
SONNY: $2 million for you to disappear and leave us all the hell alone!
JULIAN: Make that $5 million.
AVA: I volunteer as tribute!
NIKOLAS: I'm a Cassadine with helicopters at my disposal.
DIXON: FOR THE LAST DAMN TIME WHERE'S SONNY'S DAUGHTER???
KRISTINA: Dammit, I'M SONNY'S DAUGHTER!
MOLLY: OMG OMG KRISTINA ARE YOU INSANE???
DIXON: Prepare to DIE, girlie! PREPARE TO DIE!!!!
MOLLY: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
ALEXIS: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
SONNY: (stands up from his wheelchair and knocks Dixon to the ground ) THE SONNY HAS RISEN!!! Who's powerless NOW!
CARLY: What the HELL, SONNY? SINCE WHEN ARE YOU VERTICAL???
SONNY: CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING???
CARLY: Ava, by the way, Kiki's been shot. My jacket is covered in her blood.
AVA: KIIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! (Runs out of church in hysterics)
HOSPITAL
MORGAN: I gotta see Kiki. I gotta see Kiki. I gotta see Kiki.
ANDRE: You're going nowhere, kid. Consider yourself admitted.
PARAMEDIC: Female, early 20s, gunshot wound to chest, this don't look so good.
MORGAN: KIIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIII!
MICHAEL: You can't go in there!
MORGAN: SCREW YOU! I'M COMING KIIIIIKIIII!!!! I'M COMING!!!!
PARAMEDIC: Male, early 30s, GSW to shoulder. I think this one's gonna live.
NATHAN: See, I'm just fine! It's not like I haven't done this before. Does December 2014 ring a bell?
DANTE: Can a dude get a gurney???? I have a waterlogged wife here! Not like she weighs more than 90 lbs soaking wet, but you guys have to make sure she's all de-glugged and everything.
CHURCH
KRISTINA: OMG, thanks for saving my life, Dad. Literally!
SONNY: What, no "Hallelujah, Dad has risen?" Nah, just kiddin'.
HAYDEN: For the record, I liked our wedding, with Burger King and The Clown a LOT better.
NIKOLAS: What can I say? A Cassadine wedding wouldn't be the same if it didn't take place in some sort of castle.
PAUL: How 'bout the two of us, keeping the casualty count at two?
ANNA: Go to hell, Hornsby!
JORDAN: That goes double for me.
PIER
CARLY: THIS ASSAULT RIFLE WENT TO MARKET (throws a gun from the crate into the harbor) THIS ASSAULT RIFLE WENT HOME (throws another gun into the harbor) THIS ASSAULT RIFLE HAD ROAST BEEF. (throws a third gun into the harbor) THIS ASSAULT RIFLE HAD...
SONNY: What the hell, CARLY???
CARLY: Liar, liar, pants on fire!
SONNY: But if I didn't lie, that awesome scene where I rose from my wheelchair, kicked Dixon's ass and saved Kristina's life never would have happened. It's the element of surprise, Carly! The element of surprise!
CARLY: SCREW the element of surprise, SONNY! You KNEW this gun deal was going down and YOU KNEW Morgan was unhinged because Little Morgan said NO to drugs.
SONNY: Come on, Carly! No "YAY, you can walk!"? No congratulatory nookie?
CARLY: Kiki was SHOT, Sonny! She's at the hospital with lead in her chest and she might DIE because of mobs and guns and territory and Morgan's erectile dysfunction!
HOSPITAL
AVA: Kiki's in there dying and IT'S ALL MORGAN'S FAULT!!!!!
MORGAN: I didn't hurt Kiki! Big Bad Gun Guy did! It's all HIS FAULT I might lose my KIIIIIKIIIIII!
AVA: YOUR KIKI???? YOU DITCHED HER FOR SLUT BARBIE, YOU BASTARD. SHE'S MY KIKI AND SHE MIGHT DIE AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!
ER CUBICLE
AVA: Kiki, it's Mommy. PLEASE LIVE, KIKI! PRETTY PLEASE WITH ANYTHING YOU WANT ON TOP!!!!
CHURCH
ALEXIS: That was one HELL of a wedding. The only thing missing was my demented and thankfully departed stepmother.
JULIAN: No kidding! At least we got to say our vows before it all hit the fan.
ALEXIS: Just so you know, this is SO not your fault because I believe you're still 100% mob free.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Julian & Alexis's Wedding, Part III: Here a Hostage, There a Hostage...
There are hostages everywhere around Port Chuckles on February 19, 2016. At the pier, an increasingly unhinged Morgan holds Dixon and his associates hostage while waving Sonny's gun around. Raj has Lulu handcuffed on The Haunted Star. Dixon escapes the Feds and holds up the church right after Julian and Alexis say their "I do"s. People are shot. Franco gives hostage-taking tips. Jordan is pissed because she was left out of the loop. Pier 54 is armed with nearly 200 military grade assault rifles. In the words of one 3-year-old Michelle Tanner, "This is NUTS!"
CHURCH
MINISTER: Julian Jerome and Alexis Davis, they of whom I had merely read about in the Port Chuckles Herald, fancy meeting you here.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: OMG, we HAVE to go grab Morgan by the ear and get him the hell off Pier 54!
ANNA: Now, now, Carly. We can't charge in there like a mother whose son got into another fight at school. This situation must be handled CAREFULLY.
CARLY: SCREW carefully! My son could get himself KILLED!
ANNA: We need to catch the bad guys in the act of arms trafficking.
CARLY: PFFFFFFFFFFT! I'm goin' in with a giant net and there's nothing you can do to stop me!
PCPD
DANTE: Why hasn't Lulu returned my text?
JORDAN: Give her space, Dante. A girl needs her space.
DANTE: She was just going to grab some stuff from her boat and then go pick up Rocco.
JORDAN: Maybe she's looking for her curling iron.
HAUNTED STAR
RAJ: Looks like your sweetie left a text for you. Too bad you'll never read it. (throws Lulu's phone overboard)
LULU: MER PHERN!!! YER THREW MER PHERN ERN TER DER HERBER!!!
RAJ: What was that? You're going to have to speak more clearly.
LULU: TERK DERS DERKT TERP ERF MER MERF!!!!
RAJ: Speak English, blondie! I know I look somewhat exotic, but I don't speak your weird mumbly language.
LULU: EEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
RAJ: CRAP! What's happening on the pier? Who's that assclown waving his gun at my guys? Gotta go. Hope you can swim. (throws Lulu overboard)
LULU: Glug Glug Glug
CHURCH
ALEXIS: Who knew that a night of unprotected teenage sex in a Camaro could lead to our kickass daughter? Then, you came back with a fake name, saved our grandson, knocked Olivia up while you were still in the mob and I was dating Ned to make you jealous enough to quit. Then you quit the mob when you thought Leo was dead and we got back together in time for you to give me a brand spankin' new lake house! I love you, Julian!
JULIAN: I've screwed up a whole lot in my life, growing up mobster and all. Then I went into Witness Protection and learned how to run a media empire. But it wasn't until I met you that I truly learned how to kick the mob habit. Sometimes, you just have to go cold turkey. There's no pill or patch for quitting the mob. At least none that I know of. There's no Mobaholics Anonymous. But when you have an Alexis by your side, you don't need any of that crap. That's why I love you, my no-longer-random teenage hookup. That's why I'm happy to be your hubby.
MINISTER: May I have the rings, please.
LUCAS: (fiddling around in his pockets trying to find them) CRAP!
MOLLY: Keep calm and check the inside breast pocket
LUCAS: Voila! Found 'em!
PIER 54
MORGAN: FREEZE, WABBITS! Drop your guns, you idiots! Wabbits don't carry guns, don't you know that? Kick 'em in the harbor! NOW, WABBITS, OR I'LL SHOOT YOUR WASCALLY ASSES!
PAUL: You don't want to do this, kid! Sonny will ground you and take away your iPad.
MORGAN: Shut up and throw your gun overboard, you geezer!
PAUL: What gun? I don't see a gun on me. I figured, why bother? It's not like there aren't 200 or so of them right here on this pier.
MORGAN: SHUT UP YOU OL' WABBIT!!!! IMMA SHOOT IF YOU DON'T SHOW ME ALL THEM GUNS RIGHT NOW!!!! OPEN THE GODDAMN CRATES!
DIXON'S GOON: (opens a crate) You happy now?
MORGAN: OOOOOH! SO MANY GUNS!!!! AND THEY'RE ALL MINE!!!!! ALL MINE YOU STUPID WABBITS!!!!!
SONNY'S GUN IN MORGAN'S HAND: BANG!
MORGAN: SEE? THIS GUN WORKS!!!
DIXON: Nice try, whackjob! (Overpowers Morgan and takes Sonny's gun from him. They struggle)
KIKI: Morgan!
SONNY'S GUN IN DIXON'S HAND: BANG!
KIKI: OMG! I...chest...shot...can't...breathe (Kiki collapses)
MORGAN: KIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIIII! Don't die, KIIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIII!
PAUL: The cash, Dixon.
DIXON: All the Benjamins.
FEDS: FEDS ARE HERE! HANDS ON YOUR HEADS!
PAUL: Surely you don't mean me? I'm on your team, guys! I'm a fed. You're a fed. We're one big happy fed family.
DIXON: (to himself) I'm outta here. Get me to the church on time.
CHURCH
MINISTER: Jeez, you two! Jump the gun much? Oh, I forgot, you don't know how church works. You're supposed to kiss AFTER I pronounce you husband and wife.
JULIAN: My bad.
MINISTER: I now pronounce you husband and wife. Have at it!
DIXON: Whatsamatter? You've never seen a scary-looking dude with a gun crash a wedding before? And you call yourselves a soap opera town!
JULIAN: What the?
DIXON: Shut up or I'll plug ya! And that goes for all ya. Don't speak unless spoken to by ME! I'm the boss here now. Hey, Mobster on Wheels. You let young Elmer Fudd roam the dark, dingy piers of this town often? He came at us with your gun and kept calling us wascally wabbits.
SONNY: You'll have to excuse my son. He's off his meds. But if you hurt him, you answer to ME!
DIXON: I'm petrified. NOT! What can you do to me in a wheelchair? I'm not easily rolled over, you know. Hey Bride, who the hell are you anyway?
ALEXIS: Alexis Davis. I don't believe a woman should surrender her name just because a man put a ring on her finger.
DIXON: Great! A feminist! At a church wedding! That's hilarious. Hey Groom, I know you. You're Ava Jerome's brother, Julian, who thinks he's gone mob-free. That's cute, Jerome. Dude sitting by Ava, what's your story? Keep it to 140 characters or less. I have a Twitter attention span.
LUCAS: Dr. Lucas Jones.
DIXON: Asian, how about you?
BRAD: Brad Cooper.
DIXON: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hilarious name! I have a fun idea. How about taking this shiny dish thingy and collect everyone's phones. It's so rude to be checking your instagram feed while a guy's trying to hold you hostage.
PIER 54
JORDAN: What the hell, Paul and Anna? Leave me out of the loop much?
PAUL: You were busy. We didn't want to bother you.
MORGAN: KIIIIIIIIKIIIIII! BREATHE, KIIIIIIIKIIIIII! BREATHE!
JORDAN: Morgan, you're coming with me to the station.
MORGAN: NOOOOO! I HAVE TO SAVE KIIIIIIKIIIIII'S LIFE!
CARLY: I'll do that for you, Morgan! Come on, Kiki! Don't die on my son! If he's crazy, it's for you! Someone get a GODDAMN AMBULANCE!!! NOW!!!!
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: Lulu where are you? When I say Marco, you say Polo, okay? MARCO!
HARBOR NEAR HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Glug Glug... Polo... Glug.
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: MARCO!
DANTE'S MIND: All the nostalgic Dante & Lulu couple feels!
HARBOR
LULU: Glug...Polo...Glug Glug.
CHURCH
FRANCO: Hey, Mr. Assassin Man. I'm hurt that you've paid no attention to me whatsoever. My name is Robert Bobby Frank Todd Manning Franco Baldwin, but people usually just call me Franco. With all due respect to your badassery, you're going about this hostage-taking thing all wrong! You're supposed to lead everyone in this church in a game of "I Spy" and tell them there's a bomb somewhere and whoever finds it gets the prize. Of course the prize is rather morbid, but when you put it that way, it makes it sound a lot more fun.
DIXON: You're almost as cracked as Corinthos's kid! How about we all sing London Bridge Is Falling Down instead? Anybody whose lips aren't moving gets shot. London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, my fair---
NATHAN: This is stupid.
SONNY'S GUN IN DIXON'S HAND: Bang!
MAXIE: Nathan! Come on, Mob Guy! His lips were moving!
DIXON: But he WASN'T singing! I'll let you live because I have a thing for blondes.
PCPD
MORGAN: LET ME OUTTA HERE! KIKI'S DYING AND I HAVE TO USE MY MAGIC HEALING POWERS ON HER!!!!
MICHAEL: Chill, Morgan. Mom's taking care of Kiki until the ambulance comes. Just answer the Commish's questions and she'll let you go.
JORDAN: What happened tonight on Pier 54?
MORGAN: SCREW YOU COMMISH! I HAVE TO SAVE KIKI!!!!
CHURCH
MINISTER: Julian Jerome and Alexis Davis, they of whom I had merely read about in the Port Chuckles Herald, fancy meeting you here.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: OMG, we HAVE to go grab Morgan by the ear and get him the hell off Pier 54!
ANNA: Now, now, Carly. We can't charge in there like a mother whose son got into another fight at school. This situation must be handled CAREFULLY.
CARLY: SCREW carefully! My son could get himself KILLED!
ANNA: We need to catch the bad guys in the act of arms trafficking.
CARLY: PFFFFFFFFFFT! I'm goin' in with a giant net and there's nothing you can do to stop me!
PCPD
DANTE: Why hasn't Lulu returned my text?
JORDAN: Give her space, Dante. A girl needs her space.
DANTE: She was just going to grab some stuff from her boat and then go pick up Rocco.
JORDAN: Maybe she's looking for her curling iron.
HAUNTED STAR
RAJ: Looks like your sweetie left a text for you. Too bad you'll never read it. (throws Lulu's phone overboard)
LULU: MER PHERN!!! YER THREW MER PHERN ERN TER DER HERBER!!!
RAJ: What was that? You're going to have to speak more clearly.
LULU: TERK DERS DERKT TERP ERF MER MERF!!!!
RAJ: Speak English, blondie! I know I look somewhat exotic, but I don't speak your weird mumbly language.
LULU: EEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
RAJ: CRAP! What's happening on the pier? Who's that assclown waving his gun at my guys? Gotta go. Hope you can swim. (throws Lulu overboard)
LULU: Glug Glug Glug
CHURCH
ALEXIS: Who knew that a night of unprotected teenage sex in a Camaro could lead to our kickass daughter? Then, you came back with a fake name, saved our grandson, knocked Olivia up while you were still in the mob and I was dating Ned to make you jealous enough to quit. Then you quit the mob when you thought Leo was dead and we got back together in time for you to give me a brand spankin' new lake house! I love you, Julian!
JULIAN: I've screwed up a whole lot in my life, growing up mobster and all. Then I went into Witness Protection and learned how to run a media empire. But it wasn't until I met you that I truly learned how to kick the mob habit. Sometimes, you just have to go cold turkey. There's no pill or patch for quitting the mob. At least none that I know of. There's no Mobaholics Anonymous. But when you have an Alexis by your side, you don't need any of that crap. That's why I love you, my no-longer-random teenage hookup. That's why I'm happy to be your hubby.
MINISTER: May I have the rings, please.
LUCAS: (fiddling around in his pockets trying to find them) CRAP!
MOLLY: Keep calm and check the inside breast pocket
LUCAS: Voila! Found 'em!
PIER 54
MORGAN: FREEZE, WABBITS! Drop your guns, you idiots! Wabbits don't carry guns, don't you know that? Kick 'em in the harbor! NOW, WABBITS, OR I'LL SHOOT YOUR WASCALLY ASSES!
PAUL: You don't want to do this, kid! Sonny will ground you and take away your iPad.
MORGAN: Shut up and throw your gun overboard, you geezer!
PAUL: What gun? I don't see a gun on me. I figured, why bother? It's not like there aren't 200 or so of them right here on this pier.
MORGAN: SHUT UP YOU OL' WABBIT!!!! IMMA SHOOT IF YOU DON'T SHOW ME ALL THEM GUNS RIGHT NOW!!!! OPEN THE GODDAMN CRATES!
DIXON'S GOON: (opens a crate) You happy now?
MORGAN: OOOOOH! SO MANY GUNS!!!! AND THEY'RE ALL MINE!!!!! ALL MINE YOU STUPID WABBITS!!!!!
SONNY'S GUN IN MORGAN'S HAND: BANG!
MORGAN: SEE? THIS GUN WORKS!!!
DIXON: Nice try, whackjob! (Overpowers Morgan and takes Sonny's gun from him. They struggle)
KIKI: Morgan!
SONNY'S GUN IN DIXON'S HAND: BANG!
KIKI: OMG! I...chest...shot...can't...breathe (Kiki collapses)
MORGAN: KIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIIII! Don't die, KIIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIII!
PAUL: The cash, Dixon.
DIXON: All the Benjamins.
FEDS: FEDS ARE HERE! HANDS ON YOUR HEADS!
PAUL: Surely you don't mean me? I'm on your team, guys! I'm a fed. You're a fed. We're one big happy fed family.
DIXON: (to himself) I'm outta here. Get me to the church on time.
CHURCH
MINISTER: Jeez, you two! Jump the gun much? Oh, I forgot, you don't know how church works. You're supposed to kiss AFTER I pronounce you husband and wife.
JULIAN: My bad.
MINISTER: I now pronounce you husband and wife. Have at it!
DIXON: Whatsamatter? You've never seen a scary-looking dude with a gun crash a wedding before? And you call yourselves a soap opera town!
JULIAN: What the?
DIXON: Shut up or I'll plug ya! And that goes for all ya. Don't speak unless spoken to by ME! I'm the boss here now. Hey, Mobster on Wheels. You let young Elmer Fudd roam the dark, dingy piers of this town often? He came at us with your gun and kept calling us wascally wabbits.
SONNY: You'll have to excuse my son. He's off his meds. But if you hurt him, you answer to ME!
DIXON: I'm petrified. NOT! What can you do to me in a wheelchair? I'm not easily rolled over, you know. Hey Bride, who the hell are you anyway?
ALEXIS: Alexis Davis. I don't believe a woman should surrender her name just because a man put a ring on her finger.
DIXON: Great! A feminist! At a church wedding! That's hilarious. Hey Groom, I know you. You're Ava Jerome's brother, Julian, who thinks he's gone mob-free. That's cute, Jerome. Dude sitting by Ava, what's your story? Keep it to 140 characters or less. I have a Twitter attention span.
LUCAS: Dr. Lucas Jones.
DIXON: Asian, how about you?
BRAD: Brad Cooper.
DIXON: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hilarious name! I have a fun idea. How about taking this shiny dish thingy and collect everyone's phones. It's so rude to be checking your instagram feed while a guy's trying to hold you hostage.
PIER 54
JORDAN: What the hell, Paul and Anna? Leave me out of the loop much?
PAUL: You were busy. We didn't want to bother you.
MORGAN: KIIIIIIIIKIIIIII! BREATHE, KIIIIIIIKIIIIII! BREATHE!
JORDAN: Morgan, you're coming with me to the station.
MORGAN: NOOOOO! I HAVE TO SAVE KIIIIIIKIIIIII'S LIFE!
CARLY: I'll do that for you, Morgan! Come on, Kiki! Don't die on my son! If he's crazy, it's for you! Someone get a GODDAMN AMBULANCE!!! NOW!!!!
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: Lulu where are you? When I say Marco, you say Polo, okay? MARCO!
HARBOR NEAR HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Glug Glug... Polo... Glug.
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: MARCO!
DANTE'S MIND: All the nostalgic Dante & Lulu couple feels!
HARBOR
LULU: Glug...Polo...Glug Glug.
CHURCH
FRANCO: Hey, Mr. Assassin Man. I'm hurt that you've paid no attention to me whatsoever. My name is Robert Bobby Frank Todd Manning Franco Baldwin, but people usually just call me Franco. With all due respect to your badassery, you're going about this hostage-taking thing all wrong! You're supposed to lead everyone in this church in a game of "I Spy" and tell them there's a bomb somewhere and whoever finds it gets the prize. Of course the prize is rather morbid, but when you put it that way, it makes it sound a lot more fun.
DIXON: You're almost as cracked as Corinthos's kid! How about we all sing London Bridge Is Falling Down instead? Anybody whose lips aren't moving gets shot. London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, my fair---
NATHAN: This is stupid.
SONNY'S GUN IN DIXON'S HAND: Bang!
MAXIE: Nathan! Come on, Mob Guy! His lips were moving!
DIXON: But he WASN'T singing! I'll let you live because I have a thing for blondes.
PCPD
MORGAN: LET ME OUTTA HERE! KIKI'S DYING AND I HAVE TO USE MY MAGIC HEALING POWERS ON HER!!!!
MICHAEL: Chill, Morgan. Mom's taking care of Kiki until the ambulance comes. Just answer the Commish's questions and she'll let you go.
JORDAN: What happened tonight on Pier 54?
MORGAN: SCREW YOU COMMISH! I HAVE TO SAVE KIKI!!!!
Monday, February 22, 2016
Julian & Alexis's Wedding, Part II: The "Marriage Is Stupid" Club
Franco is the latest member to join Maxie in the "Marriage is Stupid" Club, as we learned when Nina brought up the M word to him at the wedding. Josslyn's continued existence is confirmed when she blurts out to her mom that she knows Sonny's a mobster. I guess it's recess time in the Kiddie/Tween/Teen Witness Protection Program. Michael wants to know why Anna's poking around his dad's house. Morgan lurks as Paul and Dixon oversee the gun shipment. Olivia's vision about Julian's bloody hands sort of comes true. Nikolas brings his new bride to his aunt's wedding. Alexis is stunned to see Sonny at the church.
CHURCH
ALEXIS: So THIS is what a church looks like! I almost forgot! Wait, what is HE doing here?
KRISTINA: Daddy!!!!
SONNY: My daughter invited me and I will do ANYTHING for my children, right, Alexis?
ALEXIS: But you loathe Julian and profess to have no memory of your brief prison bromance.
SONNY: What are you afraid of, Alexis? That I'll roll over him with my chair?
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
JULIAN: Hey, Liv, can we have another bottle of your best bubbles?
OLIVIA: Sure thing.
JULIAN: OW! The wire cage BIT me!
OLIVIA: BLOOD!!! DAMN that LSD has staying power. My visions are still spot-on!
JOSSLYN: Can Uncle Sonny come to my school on Career Day and talk about his life in the underworld?
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT????? You KNOW your uncle Sonny is a coffee importer.
JOSSLYN: Sometimes you can be SO dense, Mom. I KNOW Uncle Sonny's a mobster as much as I know how much corn grows in Iowa and you know how much I know about corn.
DRESSING ROOM
ALEXIS: Champagne all around! Well, almost all around.
MOLLY: Hey, I had sex, so I deserve some adult beverages too!
ALEXIS: What the hey!
SAM: It looks like Dad left you a note.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: The higher the thread count, the better Le Petit Mort!
NIKOLAS: You're really getting into this princess thing, aren't you?
HAYDEN: Hey! Princess fantasies aren't just for 4-year-olds!
NIKOLAS: Too bad we have to get up and go to Aunt Alexis's wedding. You know us Cassadines and our family obligations, like weddings, christenings, Bacchanalia balls, cryogenic freezings, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
SONNY'S HOUSE
MICHAEL: Anna, what are you doing here?
ANNA: You know what we spies say, Michael. If I tell you, I'm going to have to...
MICHAEL: ...Kill you. I get that, but it's not like my dad has been able to do much mobbing lately, being in a wheelchair and all.
ANNA: It's not his organization I'm worried about.
MICHAEL: That makes sense, since he's just a coffee importer. That is, unless Starbucks is experiencing a shortfall.
PIER 54
PAUL: GODDAMNIT! What's taking so long?
DIXON: Lots of guns, my friend. Lots and lots of guns. So are we opening a Guns R' Us off Rte 31?
LURKING MORGAN: (to himself) Guns R' Us? Saweeeeeeeet!
PAUL: Nah, we're just going to set up a weaponry and ballistics exhibition at Ava's gallery and call it The Art of The Hit.
DIXON: Sounds like a plan. Any chance you can swing a few tickets for Raj and me? I promise we'll show up in disguise.
PCPD
MAXIE: Whose white glove is that in your tux? Are you getting a little something on the side with a MetroCourt chambermaid?
NATHAN: I haven't worn this tux since my mother-aunt dragged me by the ear to her charity balls.
MAXIE: So it was a debutante! Oh well. It was like WAAAAAAY before we were together, so whatevs! Let's go to my boss's boss's wedding!
CHURCH
FRANCO: Churches scare the crap out of me. It's like the Guy Upstairs is all up in my beeswax. NINA: Yeah, you kinda need to get over that because I've already booked our wedding at St. Patrick's Cathedral. On St. Patrick's Day.
FRANCO: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT???? Marriage is STUPID! I mean, we're already living together and having all the sex, so what's the point of us putting some dumb rings on our fingers?
NINA: First no baby, now no wedding? Remind me, why am I shacked up with you again?
PIER 54
PAUL: (on phone with Anna) Guns at six o'clock.
ANNA: Feds all around the pier. As soon as you see the green stuff, say "Benjamins" and here come the Feds.
PAUL: Got it. I'd do our secret handshake, but it's not the same over the phone.
DIXON: Who's your phone-a-friend?
PAUL: The cops. Who else is going to send them on a wild goose chase?
LURKING MORGAN: (to himself) Countdown 'til SHOWTIME!
DRESSING ROOM
ALEXIS: (reading Julian's letter) Dear Alexis, Remember when I saved our grandson's life while I was still using my fake name Derek Wells? Or when you remembered it was me your 16-year-old self had sex with in the back of that Camaro and conceived our daughter? And when you walked in on me in that exam room where I was stripped down to my skivvies? And when you told me to choose between you and the mob? And when I thought Leo died and so I quit the business without even giving my two weeks notice? And when I proposed to you the same night your nephew got thrown off a balcony? What a crazy town we live in, Alexis. I'm so glad I could replace the lakehouse I indirectly blew up with a brand spankin' new one for the two of us to begin our life together. Love, Julian.
CHURCH
SAM: Hi Nikolas. Hi Haychel--I mean Hayden. Congrats on your quickie Vegas wedding.
HAYDEN: I'm going to sign my new married name on the guest book.
NIKOLAS: Way to be subtle, Cousin Sam. By the way, have you heard from Baxter Corbin?
SAM: Not yet. I promise I won't call her Haychel again. Not until I know the truth.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: What's Anna doing here?
ANNA: Ask your son. I have work to do, like stopping 200 guns from coming into this town.
JOSSLYN: What's in this weird box? Does it play music or something?
CARLY: Well, if you're one of the unhinged types who call gunshots music, maybe. Why is Sonny's gun not in the box? He didn't take it to the wedding to cause trouble with Julian, did he?
MICHAEL: Speaking of unhinged, I think it was Morgan who took Dad's gun.
CARLY: He's off his meds. We need to stop him.
CHURCH
KIKI: (over phone) Morgan, pick up, dammit! Don't do anything stupid!
BRAD: Lookee here, hubby-to-be! Divorce papers. Rosalie and I are no longer inconveniently married.
LUCAS: What, did she give you a Get Out of Our Marriage Free Card?
SAM: Listen up everyone! I'm going to wax poetic and read Molly's favorite sonnet in honor of Mom and Dad.
PIER 54
MORGAN: OOOOOH I HATE YOU WABBITS!!!!!
DIXON: What's Elmer Fudd doing here?
MORGAN: Morgan's the name and stopping arms deals is my game. Sonny's my dad and he ain't doing so bad. Stay off his turf or I'LL SHOOT YOU WASCALLY WABBITS!!!!!
PAUL: Hey kid, get the hell out of the way. Does Sonny even know you're here playing cops and robbers after the dinner bell has rung?
DIXON: Scram, Junior!
MORGAN: WABBIT!!! WABBIT!!! IMMA SHOOT YOU, WABBIT!!!
CHURCH
MINISTER: We are here today to celebrate the union of Julian Jerome and Alexis Davis. I must admit the names were rather unfamiliar to me, as a man of the cloth...
OUTSIDE CHURCH
KIKI (On phone with Michael): Michael, it's Kiki. Trouble's a-brewin' with Morgan. He's at the pier and he might be foaming at the mouth.
CHURCH
ALEXIS: So THIS is what a church looks like! I almost forgot! Wait, what is HE doing here?
KRISTINA: Daddy!!!!
SONNY: My daughter invited me and I will do ANYTHING for my children, right, Alexis?
ALEXIS: But you loathe Julian and profess to have no memory of your brief prison bromance.
SONNY: What are you afraid of, Alexis? That I'll roll over him with my chair?
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
JULIAN: Hey, Liv, can we have another bottle of your best bubbles?
OLIVIA: Sure thing.
JULIAN: OW! The wire cage BIT me!
OLIVIA: BLOOD!!! DAMN that LSD has staying power. My visions are still spot-on!
JOSSLYN: Can Uncle Sonny come to my school on Career Day and talk about his life in the underworld?
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT????? You KNOW your uncle Sonny is a coffee importer.
JOSSLYN: Sometimes you can be SO dense, Mom. I KNOW Uncle Sonny's a mobster as much as I know how much corn grows in Iowa and you know how much I know about corn.
DRESSING ROOM
ALEXIS: Champagne all around! Well, almost all around.
MOLLY: Hey, I had sex, so I deserve some adult beverages too!
ALEXIS: What the hey!
SAM: It looks like Dad left you a note.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: The higher the thread count, the better Le Petit Mort!
NIKOLAS: You're really getting into this princess thing, aren't you?
HAYDEN: Hey! Princess fantasies aren't just for 4-year-olds!
NIKOLAS: Too bad we have to get up and go to Aunt Alexis's wedding. You know us Cassadines and our family obligations, like weddings, christenings, Bacchanalia balls, cryogenic freezings, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
SONNY'S HOUSE
MICHAEL: Anna, what are you doing here?
ANNA: You know what we spies say, Michael. If I tell you, I'm going to have to...
MICHAEL: ...Kill you. I get that, but it's not like my dad has been able to do much mobbing lately, being in a wheelchair and all.
ANNA: It's not his organization I'm worried about.
MICHAEL: That makes sense, since he's just a coffee importer. That is, unless Starbucks is experiencing a shortfall.
PIER 54
PAUL: GODDAMNIT! What's taking so long?
DIXON: Lots of guns, my friend. Lots and lots of guns. So are we opening a Guns R' Us off Rte 31?
LURKING MORGAN: (to himself) Guns R' Us? Saweeeeeeeet!
PAUL: Nah, we're just going to set up a weaponry and ballistics exhibition at Ava's gallery and call it The Art of The Hit.
DIXON: Sounds like a plan. Any chance you can swing a few tickets for Raj and me? I promise we'll show up in disguise.
PCPD
MAXIE: Whose white glove is that in your tux? Are you getting a little something on the side with a MetroCourt chambermaid?
NATHAN: I haven't worn this tux since my mother-aunt dragged me by the ear to her charity balls.
MAXIE: So it was a debutante! Oh well. It was like WAAAAAAY before we were together, so whatevs! Let's go to my boss's boss's wedding!
CHURCH
FRANCO: Churches scare the crap out of me. It's like the Guy Upstairs is all up in my beeswax. NINA: Yeah, you kinda need to get over that because I've already booked our wedding at St. Patrick's Cathedral. On St. Patrick's Day.
FRANCO: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT???? Marriage is STUPID! I mean, we're already living together and having all the sex, so what's the point of us putting some dumb rings on our fingers?
NINA: First no baby, now no wedding? Remind me, why am I shacked up with you again?
PIER 54
PAUL: (on phone with Anna) Guns at six o'clock.
ANNA: Feds all around the pier. As soon as you see the green stuff, say "Benjamins" and here come the Feds.
PAUL: Got it. I'd do our secret handshake, but it's not the same over the phone.
DIXON: Who's your phone-a-friend?
PAUL: The cops. Who else is going to send them on a wild goose chase?
LURKING MORGAN: (to himself) Countdown 'til SHOWTIME!
DRESSING ROOM
ALEXIS: (reading Julian's letter) Dear Alexis, Remember when I saved our grandson's life while I was still using my fake name Derek Wells? Or when you remembered it was me your 16-year-old self had sex with in the back of that Camaro and conceived our daughter? And when you walked in on me in that exam room where I was stripped down to my skivvies? And when you told me to choose between you and the mob? And when I thought Leo died and so I quit the business without even giving my two weeks notice? And when I proposed to you the same night your nephew got thrown off a balcony? What a crazy town we live in, Alexis. I'm so glad I could replace the lakehouse I indirectly blew up with a brand spankin' new one for the two of us to begin our life together. Love, Julian.
CHURCH
SAM: Hi Nikolas. Hi Haychel--I mean Hayden. Congrats on your quickie Vegas wedding.
HAYDEN: I'm going to sign my new married name on the guest book.
NIKOLAS: Way to be subtle, Cousin Sam. By the way, have you heard from Baxter Corbin?
SAM: Not yet. I promise I won't call her Haychel again. Not until I know the truth.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: What's Anna doing here?
ANNA: Ask your son. I have work to do, like stopping 200 guns from coming into this town.
JOSSLYN: What's in this weird box? Does it play music or something?
CARLY: Well, if you're one of the unhinged types who call gunshots music, maybe. Why is Sonny's gun not in the box? He didn't take it to the wedding to cause trouble with Julian, did he?
MICHAEL: Speaking of unhinged, I think it was Morgan who took Dad's gun.
CARLY: He's off his meds. We need to stop him.
CHURCH
KIKI: (over phone) Morgan, pick up, dammit! Don't do anything stupid!
BRAD: Lookee here, hubby-to-be! Divorce papers. Rosalie and I are no longer inconveniently married.
LUCAS: What, did she give you a Get Out of Our Marriage Free Card?
SAM: Listen up everyone! I'm going to wax poetic and read Molly's favorite sonnet in honor of Mom and Dad.
PIER 54
MORGAN: OOOOOH I HATE YOU WABBITS!!!!!
DIXON: What's Elmer Fudd doing here?
MORGAN: Morgan's the name and stopping arms deals is my game. Sonny's my dad and he ain't doing so bad. Stay off his turf or I'LL SHOOT YOU WASCALLY WABBITS!!!!!
PAUL: Hey kid, get the hell out of the way. Does Sonny even know you're here playing cops and robbers after the dinner bell has rung?
DIXON: Scram, Junior!
MORGAN: WABBIT!!! WABBIT!!! IMMA SHOOT YOU, WABBIT!!!
CHURCH
MINISTER: We are here today to celebrate the union of Julian Jerome and Alexis Davis. I must admit the names were rather unfamiliar to me, as a man of the cloth...
OUTSIDE CHURCH
KIKI (On phone with Michael): Michael, it's Kiki. Trouble's a-brewin' with Morgan. He's at the pier and he might be foaming at the mouth.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Julian & Alexis's Wedding Part I: You're Sick
Sonny gives Morgan a reality check. Kristina tattles on Molly as they are getting Alexis ready for her big day. Dixon and Ava meet for the first time. Paul needs Anna's help. Lucas gives the groom-to-be a letter from his teenage self. Kiki tells Ava that she and Morgan are history. Lulu decides to move out of the Haunted Star but is it too late?
SONNY & CARLY'S HOUSE
MORGAN: Fine, Dad, I'm off my meds and Little Morgan is back on the job. Are you happy now? Stupid question. You fired me.
SONNY: Morgan, you're outta control, son. You're shagging some chick during work hours and I'd be a bad boss if I didn't fire you. Not to mention, a bad dad. A very bad dad. So if you're gonna go on a self-destructive, unmedicated rampage, I'd rather not have you around my baby daughter.
MORGAN: Fine, maybe I WILL move out and get my unmedicated ass away from the parental gazpacho. Or was that gestapo. That's what it was. The Parental Gestapo.
SONNY: You're one sick, sick puppy, Morgan.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
MOLLY: Here's your something blue. My old hair ribbons. Doesn't that bring back all the nostalgic feels?
ALEXIS: Those pigtails! (starts to sob)
KRISTINA: Here's your something new. A pic of all of us Davis Girls. All happy and smiley with no deep dark secrets between us.
ALEXIS: All the happy feels! (starts to cry tears of joy)
SAM: Here's something old.
ALEXIS: How cute! You wrapped up one of Danny's toy cars! Well, Leo's at the stage where he puts everything in his mouth so--
SAM: Hello, Mom? It's a mini version of the car you and Julian had sex in! The sex that led to my very existence!
ALEXIS: All the nostalgic horny feels!!!!
KRISTINA: Speaking of horny, guess who just cashed in her V card.
MOLLY: KRISTINA!!!!
KRISTINA: Yes, your little darling pigtailed Molly gave Little TJ the keys to her kingdom. Or, shall we say, Queendom? You go, Molly!
ALEXIS: All the mixed-emotion-nostalgic-appalled-relieved-gonna-ruin-all-my-makeup feels! (sobs uncontrollably)
DIANE: I guess now's a s good a time as ever to lend you my 50 Shades of Wedding Night kit, but you'd better return it, just in case Max grows a pair and puts a ring on it.
PCPD
DANTE: Any intel on this Raj character, Anna?
ANNA: I'll let you know as soon as I know.
PAUL: Go scrub toilets, Falconeri! I have to talk to my Special Investigator.
ANNA: You want to know if I'm going to bust you for killing Sloane, don't you? You're nothing if not predictable.
PAUL: Well, are you? I'd hate to have to tell you BFF Ms. Ashford that you put 4 bullets in Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos' chest.
ANNA: What do you know about the gun deal going down tonight on the pier? Stupid question. YOU'RE BROKERING THE DEAL!!!!
PAUL: Now what gave you that cockamamie idea?
ANNA: I'm going to make the educated guess that it was my cerebral cortex.
PAUL: PFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!! You might want an upgrade on that cortex because I'm trying to trap those gun runners in a sting. You've heard of those, haven't you? I sure hope so because I'm going to need your help making this town safer and free from the likes of Raj the Gunrunner.
PIER 54
DIXON: So this is Ava Jerome. Do you always dress like this to intercept arms deals?
AVA: As if this is any of your beeswax, I'm dressed for a wedding. You know, when two people who love each other exchange rings and drink an ocean of champagne?
DIXON: Wedding Schmedding! You gotta be at the gallery to make this look legit.
AVA: If I'm missing at this wedding, people are going to start talking. Now if you'll excuse me...
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
LUCAS: Here's to my real dad, who de-mobbed himself for his family!
AVA: Lucky S.O.B!
OLIVIA: Sorry I went all Psychic Friends on you last night.
JULIAN: Ooooooookay.
LUCAS: Hey Dad, when I was 14, I wrote a note to you, before I even knew who the hell you were. (hands Julian an envelope)
JULIAN: Oooooookay.
LUCAS: You can read this after the wedding. No pressure.
KIKI: I caught Morgan screwing another girl at his dad's coffee warehouse.
AVA: Awwwww, Kiki, I'm so sorry. And relieved it wasn't me this time.
PCPD
LULU: You were right. I shouldn't live on the Haunted Star. Who am I kidding? I can't sail a friggin' YACHT! I'll just go live in my brother's castle instead. Maybe if I make use of Google Maps and learn all the secret passageways, I can avoid Hayden altogether.
DANTE: Good thinking.
LULU: I just have to go grab my toothbrush. Can't neglect my oral hygiene.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Hey Mr. Roy The Stranger Who Booked At The Last Minute. Just going to get my toothbrush.
RAJ: Think again, blondie! (grabs Lulu and ties her up)
PCPD
DANTE: (leaving message for Lulu) Hey Lulu, let me know if you need help finding that toothbrush.
SONNY & CARLY'S HOUSE
MORGAN: Fine, Dad, I'm off my meds and Little Morgan is back on the job. Are you happy now? Stupid question. You fired me.
SONNY: Morgan, you're outta control, son. You're shagging some chick during work hours and I'd be a bad boss if I didn't fire you. Not to mention, a bad dad. A very bad dad. So if you're gonna go on a self-destructive, unmedicated rampage, I'd rather not have you around my baby daughter.
MORGAN: Fine, maybe I WILL move out and get my unmedicated ass away from the parental gazpacho. Or was that gestapo. That's what it was. The Parental Gestapo.
SONNY: You're one sick, sick puppy, Morgan.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
MOLLY: Here's your something blue. My old hair ribbons. Doesn't that bring back all the nostalgic feels?
ALEXIS: Those pigtails! (starts to sob)
KRISTINA: Here's your something new. A pic of all of us Davis Girls. All happy and smiley with no deep dark secrets between us.
ALEXIS: All the happy feels! (starts to cry tears of joy)
SAM: Here's something old.
ALEXIS: How cute! You wrapped up one of Danny's toy cars! Well, Leo's at the stage where he puts everything in his mouth so--
SAM: Hello, Mom? It's a mini version of the car you and Julian had sex in! The sex that led to my very existence!
ALEXIS: All the nostalgic horny feels!!!!
KRISTINA: Speaking of horny, guess who just cashed in her V card.
MOLLY: KRISTINA!!!!
KRISTINA: Yes, your little darling pigtailed Molly gave Little TJ the keys to her kingdom. Or, shall we say, Queendom? You go, Molly!
ALEXIS: All the mixed-emotion-nostalgic-appalled-relieved-gonna-ruin-all-my-makeup feels! (sobs uncontrollably)
DIANE: I guess now's a s good a time as ever to lend you my 50 Shades of Wedding Night kit, but you'd better return it, just in case Max grows a pair and puts a ring on it.
PCPD
DANTE: Any intel on this Raj character, Anna?
ANNA: I'll let you know as soon as I know.
PAUL: Go scrub toilets, Falconeri! I have to talk to my Special Investigator.
ANNA: You want to know if I'm going to bust you for killing Sloane, don't you? You're nothing if not predictable.
PAUL: Well, are you? I'd hate to have to tell you BFF Ms. Ashford that you put 4 bullets in Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos' chest.
ANNA: What do you know about the gun deal going down tonight on the pier? Stupid question. YOU'RE BROKERING THE DEAL!!!!
PAUL: Now what gave you that cockamamie idea?
ANNA: I'm going to make the educated guess that it was my cerebral cortex.
PAUL: PFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!! You might want an upgrade on that cortex because I'm trying to trap those gun runners in a sting. You've heard of those, haven't you? I sure hope so because I'm going to need your help making this town safer and free from the likes of Raj the Gunrunner.
PIER 54
DIXON: So this is Ava Jerome. Do you always dress like this to intercept arms deals?
AVA: As if this is any of your beeswax, I'm dressed for a wedding. You know, when two people who love each other exchange rings and drink an ocean of champagne?
DIXON: Wedding Schmedding! You gotta be at the gallery to make this look legit.
AVA: If I'm missing at this wedding, people are going to start talking. Now if you'll excuse me...
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
LUCAS: Here's to my real dad, who de-mobbed himself for his family!
AVA: Lucky S.O.B!
OLIVIA: Sorry I went all Psychic Friends on you last night.
JULIAN: Ooooooookay.
LUCAS: Hey Dad, when I was 14, I wrote a note to you, before I even knew who the hell you were. (hands Julian an envelope)
JULIAN: Oooooookay.
LUCAS: You can read this after the wedding. No pressure.
KIKI: I caught Morgan screwing another girl at his dad's coffee warehouse.
AVA: Awwwww, Kiki, I'm so sorry. And relieved it wasn't me this time.
PCPD
LULU: You were right. I shouldn't live on the Haunted Star. Who am I kidding? I can't sail a friggin' YACHT! I'll just go live in my brother's castle instead. Maybe if I make use of Google Maps and learn all the secret passageways, I can avoid Hayden altogether.
DANTE: Good thinking.
LULU: I just have to go grab my toothbrush. Can't neglect my oral hygiene.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Hey Mr. Roy The Stranger Who Booked At The Last Minute. Just going to get my toothbrush.
RAJ: Think again, blondie! (grabs Lulu and ties her up)
PCPD
DANTE: (leaving message for Lulu) Hey Lulu, let me know if you need help finding that toothbrush.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Seeing Red
Olivia has a disturbing vision when she pays a pre-wedding visit to Julian and Alexis. Paul makes a confession to Anna and spins a yarn about looking out for his daughter Susan. Hayden meets with Diane about securing her piece of the ELQ pie. Nikolas plays the Spencer card to convince his estranged cousin Sam to investigate Hayden. Sonny and Carly are unable to reach out to Morgan. Raj's boss Dixon shows up on the pier and Morgan overhears their plans.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
OLIVIA: Knock knock!
JULIAN: Not answering.
OLIVIA: Knock knock knock!
ALEXIS: SO not answering
OLIVIA: Knock knock knock KNOCK!
JULIAN: FINE! DAMMIT! Hello Baby Mama! What's the emergency? What happened to Leo?
OLIVIA: Leo's fine. He can't wait to see himself chowing down on the cover of Crimson. I just came to tell you my psychic LSD powers say you're going to have a happy go-lucky -- WAIT, here comes another one. Uh oh. I see blood!
JULIAN: Aw, Liv, I TOLD you not to watch Shark Week!
OLIVIA: Hey, don't blame me or the sharks! Blame my batty almost-mother-in-law and needle full o' crazy! It's been, what, 3 years and the stuff's still making me hallucinate the future.
SONNY & CARLY'S HOUSE
MORGAN: You can't fire me! I'm your kid! Since when is test-driving Little Morgan with some chick on top of a bag of coffee beans a fireable offense?
SONNY: Since it's MY WAREHOUSE and you've stopped taking your meds!
CARLY: What? Morgan's off his meds? Morgan, YOU. HAVE. TO. TAKE. YOUR. MEDS.
MORGAN: Little Morgan DOESN'T WANT ME TO!!! You guys might think you're the boss of me, but think again. Little Morgan in charge here and he gets the final word.
SONNY: That explains a whole lot, son.
CARLY: Morgan, you need the OTHER END OF YOUR BODY in the corner office. Sorry, but Little Morgan needs to be demoted.
MORGAN: Little Morgan doesn't have to listen to this!
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
HAYDEN: So, do you have the necessary documents for me to claim dibs on my piece o' the pie?
DIANE: What kind of high-powered well-compensated attorney doesn't ALWAYS have "the necessary documents"? (hands Hayden a folder)
HAYDEN: Everything's in order.
DIANE: And where's the new hubby? Attending to other princely duties? Going over the dinner menu with Mrs. Patmore downstairs?
HAYDEN: Something like that. We Cassadines run a tight ship.
DIANE: Oh, I'm sure you do. As soon as The Prince has a few moments to spare, he needs to sign off on all the paperwork, with a witness of course.
HAYDEN: He should have no problem getting Mrs. Hughes or Carson to watch him scribble on a piece of paper.
SAM'S PENTHOUSE
SAM: Nikolas, you and Elizabeth stole from Jason and I refuse to help you.
NIKOLAS: Think of the children, Sam. Think of the children. Specifically the one that belongs to me. If Hayden's about to rob me blind, do you want Spencer to be buying his clothes at The Sad Robe Store*?
SAM: If you're gonna play the kid card, I guess I have no choice. Besides, Hayden was part of the whole conspiracy against Jason finding out who he is so she stole from him too.
NIKOLAS: Find out why this guy named Baxter Corbin called her Rachel while we were in Vegas for our quickie wedding.
SAM: I'll get right on it, but only to keep Spencer from having to shop at The Sad Robe Store like the rest of us in this town who don't live on a private island.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANNA: I know you tried to pass Kyle Sloane's body off as Carrrrrrrrrlos's.
PAUL: So I killed the guy! He was a very, very bad boy to my long lost daughter Susan.
ANNA: How the hell did Sloane know Susan?
PAUL: Once upon a time, there was a little girl whose daddy was in a cartel. The bad guys in the cartel tried to poison the little girl to punish her daddy. Her daddy had all the guilt feels, so he bought the little girl a diamond ring. When that diamond ring turned brass, Cartel Daddy bought the little girl a looking glass. When the looking glass broke, the little girl had seven years of bad luck because looking glass is just some old timey way of saying mirror. She got a tattoo, joined a cult and moved in with Sloane, who got pissed at her for not sacrificing a chicken and things went downhill from there. Way downhill. So when he came to Port Chuckles and wanted to bust you for plugging Carrrrrrrrlos, I plugged him.
ANNA: I'm so sorry to hear what Sloane did to Susan, but I'M SO TELLING!!!
PIER
DIXON: Change of plans. It's all going down at 6 pm. tomorrow.
RAJ: What happened to midnight?
DIXON: I make the plans. I change 'em.
MORGAN: (to self) I'll show 'em! I can mobster just as good as Dad. I don't need no stinkin' meds, right Little Morgan?
LITTLE MORGAN: Damn straight, Big M! Get your Gorton Fisherman suit and your shotgun and maybe some hot mob chick will show up.
*Though I would love to take credit for such a hilarious and clever fictional Port Chuckles retail outlet, The Sad Robe Store is the brainchild of Lianne at General Hospital Snark.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
OLIVIA: Knock knock!
JULIAN: Not answering.
OLIVIA: Knock knock knock!
ALEXIS: SO not answering
OLIVIA: Knock knock knock KNOCK!
JULIAN: FINE! DAMMIT! Hello Baby Mama! What's the emergency? What happened to Leo?
OLIVIA: Leo's fine. He can't wait to see himself chowing down on the cover of Crimson. I just came to tell you my psychic LSD powers say you're going to have a happy go-lucky -- WAIT, here comes another one. Uh oh. I see blood!
JULIAN: Aw, Liv, I TOLD you not to watch Shark Week!
OLIVIA: Hey, don't blame me or the sharks! Blame my batty almost-mother-in-law and needle full o' crazy! It's been, what, 3 years and the stuff's still making me hallucinate the future.
SONNY & CARLY'S HOUSE
MORGAN: You can't fire me! I'm your kid! Since when is test-driving Little Morgan with some chick on top of a bag of coffee beans a fireable offense?
SONNY: Since it's MY WAREHOUSE and you've stopped taking your meds!
CARLY: What? Morgan's off his meds? Morgan, YOU. HAVE. TO. TAKE. YOUR. MEDS.
MORGAN: Little Morgan DOESN'T WANT ME TO!!! You guys might think you're the boss of me, but think again. Little Morgan in charge here and he gets the final word.
SONNY: That explains a whole lot, son.
CARLY: Morgan, you need the OTHER END OF YOUR BODY in the corner office. Sorry, but Little Morgan needs to be demoted.
MORGAN: Little Morgan doesn't have to listen to this!
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
HAYDEN: So, do you have the necessary documents for me to claim dibs on my piece o' the pie?
DIANE: What kind of high-powered well-compensated attorney doesn't ALWAYS have "the necessary documents"? (hands Hayden a folder)
HAYDEN: Everything's in order.
DIANE: And where's the new hubby? Attending to other princely duties? Going over the dinner menu with Mrs. Patmore downstairs?
HAYDEN: Something like that. We Cassadines run a tight ship.
DIANE: Oh, I'm sure you do. As soon as The Prince has a few moments to spare, he needs to sign off on all the paperwork, with a witness of course.
HAYDEN: He should have no problem getting Mrs. Hughes or Carson to watch him scribble on a piece of paper.
SAM'S PENTHOUSE
SAM: Nikolas, you and Elizabeth stole from Jason and I refuse to help you.
NIKOLAS: Think of the children, Sam. Think of the children. Specifically the one that belongs to me. If Hayden's about to rob me blind, do you want Spencer to be buying his clothes at The Sad Robe Store*?
SAM: If you're gonna play the kid card, I guess I have no choice. Besides, Hayden was part of the whole conspiracy against Jason finding out who he is so she stole from him too.
NIKOLAS: Find out why this guy named Baxter Corbin called her Rachel while we were in Vegas for our quickie wedding.
SAM: I'll get right on it, but only to keep Spencer from having to shop at The Sad Robe Store like the rest of us in this town who don't live on a private island.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANNA: I know you tried to pass Kyle Sloane's body off as Carrrrrrrrrlos's.
PAUL: So I killed the guy! He was a very, very bad boy to my long lost daughter Susan.
ANNA: How the hell did Sloane know Susan?
PAUL: Once upon a time, there was a little girl whose daddy was in a cartel. The bad guys in the cartel tried to poison the little girl to punish her daddy. Her daddy had all the guilt feels, so he bought the little girl a diamond ring. When that diamond ring turned brass, Cartel Daddy bought the little girl a looking glass. When the looking glass broke, the little girl had seven years of bad luck because looking glass is just some old timey way of saying mirror. She got a tattoo, joined a cult and moved in with Sloane, who got pissed at her for not sacrificing a chicken and things went downhill from there. Way downhill. So when he came to Port Chuckles and wanted to bust you for plugging Carrrrrrrrlos, I plugged him.
ANNA: I'm so sorry to hear what Sloane did to Susan, but I'M SO TELLING!!!
PIER
DIXON: Change of plans. It's all going down at 6 pm. tomorrow.
RAJ: What happened to midnight?
DIXON: I make the plans. I change 'em.
MORGAN: (to self) I'll show 'em! I can mobster just as good as Dad. I don't need no stinkin' meds, right Little Morgan?
LITTLE MORGAN: Damn straight, Big M! Get your Gorton Fisherman suit and your shotgun and maybe some hot mob chick will show up.
*Though I would love to take credit for such a hilarious and clever fictional Port Chuckles retail outlet, The Sad Robe Store is the brainchild of Lianne at General Hospital Snark.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Manic Morgan
Kiki walks in on Morgan's tryst with Darby. Lulu decides to move out of Maxie's apartment to make room for Nathan. Michael offers to help Sonny regain custody of Avery. Anna and Paul's lunch date is foiled by a text from Mac. Dante is none too thrilled with Lulu's new home. Lulu gets a surprise request from an stranger. Sonny confronts Morgan on his work ethic (or lack thereof). Kiki confides in Maxie.
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
MORGAN: Here comes Little Morgan!
DARBY: Door's open, Little Morgan! Come on in!
KIKI: OMG! EW! GET A FREAKIN' ROOM MORGAN AND SLUT BARBIE!
MORGAN: Kiki, I did this for you!
KIKI: Dumbest. Excuse. EVER!
MORGAN: I had to give Little Morgan a test drive.
KIKI: So you cheated on me with HER?
MORGAN: Come on, Kiki! It's not as if you haven't seen Morgan Logic before!
KIKI: SCREW YOU, MORGAN!!!!! We're DONE!!!!
SONNY'S HOUSE
MICHAEL: What's the court appointed Hall Monitor doing in the kitchen with Graciela?
SONNY: Being distracted by empanadas. It's the only way I get some alone time with my daughter, right Avery?
AVERY: Yeah!
DANTE: Hey, Dad, watch out for Raj the Gunrunner. I hear he's working for this thug named Dixon.
SONNY: I don't know nothin' about runnin' guns, Dante.
DANTE: What about your baby mama Ava?
SONNY: If she's playin' in Raj's sandbox, she can kiss Avery goodbye.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
MAXIE: Wasn't Valentine's Day romantic? I am SO relieved that your proposal was a total fakeout and you got me this charm instead.
NATHAN: Hey, as long as we're under the same roof, the ring can wait.
LULU: Aw, look at you two. And here I wanted to strangle you for trapping me in a hotel room with my soon-to-be-ex-hubby.
MAXIE: And it obviously WORKED! You're wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday. I notice these things.
LULU: So, Dante and I did an autopsy on our marriage and then he went home. End of story.
MAXIE: Hey, at least you guys didn't kill each other.
LULU: By the way, I'm moving out. Three and a half is a crowd.
MAXIE: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????
PCPD
ANNA (on phone with Mac) So Paul's daughter Susan owns a shop up in Maine called Suki's. It seems she's taken with the Far East. What? You have to break our lunch date? Oh well, keep digging.
PAUL: Hello, Anna.
ANNA: Paul, you free for lunch?
PAUL: Sure. How about your place? (phone rings) Sorry. Gotta get that.
RAJ: (over phone) The boss wants to meet with you and Ava.
PAUL: About that...good luck getting Ava to show.
RAJ: Tell that to Dixon. He's the boss, man. I'm just his number one flunkie. By the way, Corinthos' wannabe mobster kid has plans on the 19th, so he's outta the way.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
MAXIE: You are SO not moving out. Who will I watch chick flicks with? Nathan only PRETENDS to like them.
LULU: Rocco and I are moving to the Haunted Star.
MAXIE: You're going to camp out on your BOAT?
LULU: Why not? Besides, you and Nathan need the place to yourselves. So when's he putting a ring on it?
MAXIE: If I have my way, NEVER!
LULU: Still anti-marriage?
MAXIE: Need I remind you what happened at my LAST wedding?
LULU: But that was with a psycho who was after your family's jewels! You know Nathan doesn't keep a bejeweled dagger hanging around.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANNA: You know, Paul, it was so cathartic to confess all my sins as a mother and a vengeful widow to someone who knows what it's like to screw up.
PAUL: Tell me about it! Tracy can't stand to be in the same room with me. Come to think of it, Tracy's having trouble standing, period. She really should see a doctor. Anyway, both my kids have written me off and I've flunked parenthood.
ANNA: I ran into your son yesterday. He asked me to model as a "real woman" for Crimson.
PAUL: Did he really? Well, that doesn't surprise me. You are a woman and you are very real.
ANNA: Thanks for noticing. (hears text sound and checks phone)
PAUL: Urgent business?
ANNA: Just a friend telling a knock-knock joke.
PAUL: Oh really? Tell it to me?
ANNA: I don't think so.
PAUL: That's okay. I'll read it myself. (grabs Anna's phone and reads text) "I've got some dirt on Hornsby's daughter." BUSTED! You and Mac Scorpio are in cahoots!
ANNA: So what if we are? Are you going to do to me what you did to Kyle Sloane?
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
KIKI: Nice bracelet.
MAXIE: Thanks. My super hot sexy cop boyfriend gave it to me.
KIKI: Can you not tell me how hot your boyfriend is? I've sworn off all men.
MAXIE: You're changing teams?
KIKI: Not exactly. I caught my boyfriend screwing Slutty Barbie at his dad's coffee warehouse.
MAXIE: Ouch!
KIKI: Can you give me a makeover?
MAXIE: Pffffft! Like you need one! It's Morgan's loss. But maybe you can lop a few inches off your hair.
SONNY'S HOUSE
MORGAN: I'm just a poor boy. I need no sympathy. Because I'm easy come, easy go. Little high, little go. Anyway the wind blows doesn't really matter to me.
MICHAEL AND SONNY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
MORGAN: Avery. I just got dumped. Kiki does not get me. Saw me screw this chick Darby. Avery, oh oh oh oh! Little Morgan's back! But now I've gone and drove my girl away! Carry on! Carry on! Now I need to take a shower!
MICHAEL: Morgan's off his rocker.
SONNY: Morgan's off his meds.
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: What do you mean you and Rocco are living here now? You're going to raise our kid on a boat right in the middle of all the mobular action? Something's going down on this pier, Lulu. Trouble's a brewin'.
LULU: You are SO not the boss of me, Dante. If the bad guys start shooting, I'll untie this baby and set sail for the open sea.
DANTE: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Do you even know how to SAIL a yacht?
LULU: Hello? What are WikiHow and YouTube there for?
DANTE: Don't you trust me to tell you not to put yourself and our kid smack dab in the middle of a raging mob war?
LULU: Don't you trust me enough to figure out how to get this boat out of the harbor and take off if things get dangerous?
DANTE: (to himself) um NO! (to Lulu) Fine, but don't make me regret this.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Morgan, you may smell Zestfully clean, but I know you're off your meds.
MORGAN: And you know that because...
SONNY: HELLO? I am bipolar! I take those same meds and I know what it feels like to be off 'em.
MORGAN: How does Little Sonny behave when you're on 'em? Forget that. I really don't wanna know.
SONNY: By the way, coffee beans have eyes. I know you were screwing some chick on the job. You're FIRED!
MORGAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT????
HAUNTED STAR
RAJ: Are you the person who owns this boat?
LULU: You're looking at her.
RAJ: I need to throw a party for my boss. Tomorrow.
LULU: Yeah, that's kinda short notice.
RAJ: Please! Pretty please with a cherry and a bunch of other stuff on top? If I don't throw this party, my ass is good as fired. I'm bringing my own peeps to tend bar and do all the party stuff. All I need is the boat (to himself) and a good storage spot for about 200 AK 47s.
LULU: What the hey?
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
MORGAN: Here comes Little Morgan!
DARBY: Door's open, Little Morgan! Come on in!
KIKI: OMG! EW! GET A FREAKIN' ROOM MORGAN AND SLUT BARBIE!
MORGAN: Kiki, I did this for you!
KIKI: Dumbest. Excuse. EVER!
MORGAN: I had to give Little Morgan a test drive.
KIKI: So you cheated on me with HER?
MORGAN: Come on, Kiki! It's not as if you haven't seen Morgan Logic before!
KIKI: SCREW YOU, MORGAN!!!!! We're DONE!!!!
SONNY'S HOUSE
MICHAEL: What's the court appointed Hall Monitor doing in the kitchen with Graciela?
SONNY: Being distracted by empanadas. It's the only way I get some alone time with my daughter, right Avery?
AVERY: Yeah!
DANTE: Hey, Dad, watch out for Raj the Gunrunner. I hear he's working for this thug named Dixon.
SONNY: I don't know nothin' about runnin' guns, Dante.
DANTE: What about your baby mama Ava?
SONNY: If she's playin' in Raj's sandbox, she can kiss Avery goodbye.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
MAXIE: Wasn't Valentine's Day romantic? I am SO relieved that your proposal was a total fakeout and you got me this charm instead.
NATHAN: Hey, as long as we're under the same roof, the ring can wait.
LULU: Aw, look at you two. And here I wanted to strangle you for trapping me in a hotel room with my soon-to-be-ex-hubby.
MAXIE: And it obviously WORKED! You're wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday. I notice these things.
LULU: So, Dante and I did an autopsy on our marriage and then he went home. End of story.
MAXIE: Hey, at least you guys didn't kill each other.
LULU: By the way, I'm moving out. Three and a half is a crowd.
MAXIE: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????
PCPD
ANNA (on phone with Mac) So Paul's daughter Susan owns a shop up in Maine called Suki's. It seems she's taken with the Far East. What? You have to break our lunch date? Oh well, keep digging.
PAUL: Hello, Anna.
ANNA: Paul, you free for lunch?
PAUL: Sure. How about your place? (phone rings) Sorry. Gotta get that.
RAJ: (over phone) The boss wants to meet with you and Ava.
PAUL: About that...good luck getting Ava to show.
RAJ: Tell that to Dixon. He's the boss, man. I'm just his number one flunkie. By the way, Corinthos' wannabe mobster kid has plans on the 19th, so he's outta the way.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
MAXIE: You are SO not moving out. Who will I watch chick flicks with? Nathan only PRETENDS to like them.
LULU: Rocco and I are moving to the Haunted Star.
MAXIE: You're going to camp out on your BOAT?
LULU: Why not? Besides, you and Nathan need the place to yourselves. So when's he putting a ring on it?
MAXIE: If I have my way, NEVER!
LULU: Still anti-marriage?
MAXIE: Need I remind you what happened at my LAST wedding?
LULU: But that was with a psycho who was after your family's jewels! You know Nathan doesn't keep a bejeweled dagger hanging around.
ANNA'S HOUSE
ANNA: You know, Paul, it was so cathartic to confess all my sins as a mother and a vengeful widow to someone who knows what it's like to screw up.
PAUL: Tell me about it! Tracy can't stand to be in the same room with me. Come to think of it, Tracy's having trouble standing, period. She really should see a doctor. Anyway, both my kids have written me off and I've flunked parenthood.
ANNA: I ran into your son yesterday. He asked me to model as a "real woman" for Crimson.
PAUL: Did he really? Well, that doesn't surprise me. You are a woman and you are very real.
ANNA: Thanks for noticing. (hears text sound and checks phone)
PAUL: Urgent business?
ANNA: Just a friend telling a knock-knock joke.
PAUL: Oh really? Tell it to me?
ANNA: I don't think so.
PAUL: That's okay. I'll read it myself. (grabs Anna's phone and reads text) "I've got some dirt on Hornsby's daughter." BUSTED! You and Mac Scorpio are in cahoots!
ANNA: So what if we are? Are you going to do to me what you did to Kyle Sloane?
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
KIKI: Nice bracelet.
MAXIE: Thanks. My super hot sexy cop boyfriend gave it to me.
KIKI: Can you not tell me how hot your boyfriend is? I've sworn off all men.
MAXIE: You're changing teams?
KIKI: Not exactly. I caught my boyfriend screwing Slutty Barbie at his dad's coffee warehouse.
MAXIE: Ouch!
KIKI: Can you give me a makeover?
MAXIE: Pffffft! Like you need one! It's Morgan's loss. But maybe you can lop a few inches off your hair.
SONNY'S HOUSE
MORGAN: I'm just a poor boy. I need no sympathy. Because I'm easy come, easy go. Little high, little go. Anyway the wind blows doesn't really matter to me.
MICHAEL AND SONNY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
MORGAN: Avery. I just got dumped. Kiki does not get me. Saw me screw this chick Darby. Avery, oh oh oh oh! Little Morgan's back! But now I've gone and drove my girl away! Carry on! Carry on! Now I need to take a shower!
MICHAEL: Morgan's off his rocker.
SONNY: Morgan's off his meds.
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: What do you mean you and Rocco are living here now? You're going to raise our kid on a boat right in the middle of all the mobular action? Something's going down on this pier, Lulu. Trouble's a brewin'.
LULU: You are SO not the boss of me, Dante. If the bad guys start shooting, I'll untie this baby and set sail for the open sea.
DANTE: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Do you even know how to SAIL a yacht?
LULU: Hello? What are WikiHow and YouTube there for?
DANTE: Don't you trust me to tell you not to put yourself and our kid smack dab in the middle of a raging mob war?
LULU: Don't you trust me enough to figure out how to get this boat out of the harbor and take off if things get dangerous?
DANTE: (to himself) um NO! (to Lulu) Fine, but don't make me regret this.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Morgan, you may smell Zestfully clean, but I know you're off your meds.
MORGAN: And you know that because...
SONNY: HELLO? I am bipolar! I take those same meds and I know what it feels like to be off 'em.
MORGAN: How does Little Sonny behave when you're on 'em? Forget that. I really don't wanna know.
SONNY: By the way, coffee beans have eyes. I know you were screwing some chick on the job. You're FIRED!
MORGAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT????
HAUNTED STAR
RAJ: Are you the person who owns this boat?
LULU: You're looking at her.
RAJ: I need to throw a party for my boss. Tomorrow.
LULU: Yeah, that's kinda short notice.
RAJ: Please! Pretty please with a cherry and a bunch of other stuff on top? If I don't throw this party, my ass is good as fired. I'm bringing my own peeps to tend bar and do all the party stuff. All I need is the boat (to himself) and a good storage spot for about 200 AK 47s.
LULU: What the hey?
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Stick Your Mobbery Where The Sun Don't Shine
Dr. Griffin "Hot Doc" Munro isn't about to become the official neurosurgeon of the Port Chuckles Mafia. Monica recommends sending Jake to Shriners' Hospital in Philly for the second annual "Port Chuckles kid gets seriously injured, gets sent to Shriners'" cross-promotion. Kiki confides in Franco about Morgan's troubles with "Little Morgan". Kristina confronts Morgan, who is in no mood to listen. Ava has a gift for Kiki. Anna poses for Crimson while grilling Dillon about his sister. Tracy blacks out again in the middle of an argument with Paul. Alexis extends a wedding invite to Jason.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: I did a little research on you, Godfather.
SONNY: What is it about coffee importing that makes me the Port Chuckles version of Marlon Brando?
GRIFFIN: Save it, Dimpled Don. I know you're malingering for mobular reasons and I refuse to be party to organized crime.
SONNY: Fine, I'll find a new doctor. No I won't. The other doctors here suck like a Dirt Devil on steroids. Let me make you an offer you can't refuse.
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
KRISTINA: Morgan? Earth to Morgan!
MORGAN: What the hell, Krissy? I was jammin' something fierce while hurling coffee bags on shelves.
KRISTINA: So I have this wild and crazy idea of inviting Dad to my mom's wedding. You know, it beats giving her her 8,000th toaster.
MORGAN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's hilarious, Krissy. Like Dad would stand back and watch his enemy marry one of his baby mamas! Not. Gonna. Happen.
KRISTINA: You are SO off your meds.
MORGAN: Meds are overrated and, well, Little Morgan didn't approve.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
KIKI: Franco, I need to talk to you about Little Morgan.
FRANCO: What, did you put your boyfriend in the dryer and he shrunk? You might want to read the label. Volatile twenty-somethings are dry clean only.
KIKI: I mean Morgan's, um...his male... Morgan's penis, okay?
FRANCO: You, me, and Morgan's penis...just the way I wanted to spend my lunch break. So what's up?
KIKI: More like "What's down?" Little Morgan's taken a leave of absence. Big Morgan thinks it's because of his bipolar meds.
FRANCO: Makes sense. He could always try Viagra or Cialis. Tell him to check his spam filter for free trial coupons.
KIKI: But what if it's not his meds. What if Little Morgan's just not that into me?
SAM'S APARTMENT
ALEXIS: If you want to invite Jason to the wedding, go right ahead. I'll make sure to pre-medicate your father with a glass or two of Scotch.
SAM: You know what? Skip the pre-wedding booze. I'm going to give Dad the gift of a Jason-free wedding. Consider it my "Better Than Another Toaster" wedding present.
KRISTINA: OMG, Sam! Tell me EXACTLY how Jason saved your life! I want EVERY DETAIL!
HOSPITAL
MONICA: Jake broke his arm and leg in about 50 places. He needs to go to Shriners' Hospital for Children in Philly.
LIZ: Isn't that where Spencer went last year after Cameron tipped over that candle that caused the fire that caused the really tiny scar that's no longer visible? They are miracle workers! It will be like Jake never ran in front of that car at all.
CARLY: Exactly. Shriners' Hospital For Children is the awesomesauce and I'm not even being paid to say this.
JASON: Okay, that was the easiest decision ever. How soon can we teleport him to Philly?
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
DILLON: Anna, can you do me a favor and model for Crimson?
ANNA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? (to herself) This will give me a chance to interrogate him about his long lost sister Susan (to Dillon) Oooookay. I'm flattered. Point me to your studio.
DILLON: About that, can we just use the interrogation room at the PCPD?
ANNA: That's perfect, in more ways than one!
Q MANSION
PAUL: Tracy, what did you say to Dillon to poison him against me? He just told me to stick my cuff links in an awfully uncomfortable anatomical location.
TRACY: Go Dillon! Our son has a mind of his own, Paul. He figured out you were scum ALL. BY. HIMSELF.
PAUL: But I need to make up for lost time. Maybe I'll write him another check...
TRACY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wonder where THAT money came from. I'm guessing that same uncomfortable anatomical location.
PAUL: You know I would have sent him a gift certificate for Chuck E. Cheese's on his 5th birthday if you had not made off with him to an undisclosed location and if dialup internet weren't so damn slow.
TRACY: Um...uh....what?
PAUL: Tracy, did you just have a mini-stroke seizure thing?
TRACY: PFFFFFFFT! (Gets up. Trips) Too many mimosas this morning, I guess.
HOSPITAL
CARLY: You want me to spy on Sam for you? I'm on it.
JASON: Just check to make sure she doesn't wear 6" heels and trip down any more flights of stairs. Or plug in any more space heaters.
CARLY: Will do.
SAM'S PENTHOUSE
SAM: Jason? How's Jake?
JAKE: He has to go to some Shriner hospital in Philly because his bones are too broken for GH to fix.
SAM: Poor kid. Shriner's is the best. They made Spencer's burn scar completely disappear, so Jake will be running three-legged races by the time Field Day comes around.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
AVA: Kiki, I totally forgive you for taking Avery to see Sonny. Look! I even bought you a dress to wear to Uncle Julian's wedding!
KIKI: OMG, Mom, that dress is totes gorge! I love it!
AVA: Just promise to be Avery's mommy if something should happen to me.
KIKI: OMG, do you have cancer again?
AVA: No, and if I did I really would be screwed because Silas...well, let's not go there.
KIKI: Is it the mob? You really should pull an Uncle Julian and get out.
AVA: It's just me thinking ahead.
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
DARBY: Do you know what time it is, Morgan?
MORGAN: Not really, but I can check.
DARBY: It's SEXY TIME!!!!!
MORGAN: Little Morgan is SO ready! I told him his vacation was OVER and he's back on the job.
DARBY: I'm counting on it.
HOSPITAL
SONNY: Carly, do you want to be my date for Julian's wedding?
CARLY: What, you mean you're actually GOING to that travesty of a wedding?
SONNY: I'm doing it for Kristina.
CARLY: I'd SO love to tell Alexis to SUCK IT after all the times she's needled me about being with you. It's not like Kristina appeared out of thin air, you know. But in the interest of not embarrassing Kristina, I'll keep my trap shut. Just keep me away from the hooch and things should go just fine.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
DILLON: Sit on this here chair and act natural.
ANNA: So, Dillon, tell me a little about your sister Susan.
DILLON: Susan? Well, we exchanged a few emails and she invited me to play Candy Crush on facebook, but aside from that, I don't know her from a hole in the wall. All I know is that she lives in Maine and runs some shop named Suki's.
ANNA: Suki's? Does it sell Japanese trinkets or something?
DILLON: She said it's some name our dad used to call her.
ANNA: Very interesting...
DILLON: But she still hates his guts. I think.
ANNA: Thank you for the tip.
DILLON: Thank you for the pix. You're lookin' good. It's kinda awesome to have a superspy like you in our Real Women issue. It appeals to the 007 demographic.
HOSPITAL
CAMERON: Hi Mom. How's Jake?
LIZ: He's doing better.
AIDEN: Yay! Is he coming home? He can play with my legos if he wants.
LIZ: That's very nice, Aiden, but he's going to a different hospital in a different city with doctors that can put his broken bones back together again.
AIDEN: Can the fix him? If not, maybe they can use my Elmer's Glue.
LIZ: They are very good at fixing, Aiden. Now you boys be good for Gram and your sitter.
FRANCO: Hey, Elizabeth, you're really good at this kid thing.
LIZ: Thank you, Franco. You've surprisingly become my sorta BFF through all this.
FRANCO: Does that mean we can email each other funny jokes and stuff? Or maybe you just let me know how Jake's doing.
LIZ: I'll keep you posted.
FRANCO: Say hi to the kid for me and tell him I owe him a set of brand spankin' new crayons so he can draw rainbows and all that non-disturbing stuff with them.
HOSPITAL
GRIFFIN: I did a little research on you, Godfather.
SONNY: What is it about coffee importing that makes me the Port Chuckles version of Marlon Brando?
GRIFFIN: Save it, Dimpled Don. I know you're malingering for mobular reasons and I refuse to be party to organized crime.
SONNY: Fine, I'll find a new doctor. No I won't. The other doctors here suck like a Dirt Devil on steroids. Let me make you an offer you can't refuse.
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
KRISTINA: Morgan? Earth to Morgan!
MORGAN: What the hell, Krissy? I was jammin' something fierce while hurling coffee bags on shelves.
KRISTINA: So I have this wild and crazy idea of inviting Dad to my mom's wedding. You know, it beats giving her her 8,000th toaster.
MORGAN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's hilarious, Krissy. Like Dad would stand back and watch his enemy marry one of his baby mamas! Not. Gonna. Happen.
KRISTINA: You are SO off your meds.
MORGAN: Meds are overrated and, well, Little Morgan didn't approve.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
KIKI: Franco, I need to talk to you about Little Morgan.
FRANCO: What, did you put your boyfriend in the dryer and he shrunk? You might want to read the label. Volatile twenty-somethings are dry clean only.
KIKI: I mean Morgan's, um...his male... Morgan's penis, okay?
FRANCO: You, me, and Morgan's penis...just the way I wanted to spend my lunch break. So what's up?
KIKI: More like "What's down?" Little Morgan's taken a leave of absence. Big Morgan thinks it's because of his bipolar meds.
FRANCO: Makes sense. He could always try Viagra or Cialis. Tell him to check his spam filter for free trial coupons.
KIKI: But what if it's not his meds. What if Little Morgan's just not that into me?
SAM'S APARTMENT
ALEXIS: If you want to invite Jason to the wedding, go right ahead. I'll make sure to pre-medicate your father with a glass or two of Scotch.
SAM: You know what? Skip the pre-wedding booze. I'm going to give Dad the gift of a Jason-free wedding. Consider it my "Better Than Another Toaster" wedding present.
KRISTINA: OMG, Sam! Tell me EXACTLY how Jason saved your life! I want EVERY DETAIL!
HOSPITAL
MONICA: Jake broke his arm and leg in about 50 places. He needs to go to Shriners' Hospital for Children in Philly.
LIZ: Isn't that where Spencer went last year after Cameron tipped over that candle that caused the fire that caused the really tiny scar that's no longer visible? They are miracle workers! It will be like Jake never ran in front of that car at all.
CARLY: Exactly. Shriners' Hospital For Children is the awesomesauce and I'm not even being paid to say this.
JASON: Okay, that was the easiest decision ever. How soon can we teleport him to Philly?
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
DILLON: Anna, can you do me a favor and model for Crimson?
ANNA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? (to herself) This will give me a chance to interrogate him about his long lost sister Susan (to Dillon) Oooookay. I'm flattered. Point me to your studio.
DILLON: About that, can we just use the interrogation room at the PCPD?
ANNA: That's perfect, in more ways than one!
Q MANSION
PAUL: Tracy, what did you say to Dillon to poison him against me? He just told me to stick my cuff links in an awfully uncomfortable anatomical location.
TRACY: Go Dillon! Our son has a mind of his own, Paul. He figured out you were scum ALL. BY. HIMSELF.
PAUL: But I need to make up for lost time. Maybe I'll write him another check...
TRACY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wonder where THAT money came from. I'm guessing that same uncomfortable anatomical location.
PAUL: You know I would have sent him a gift certificate for Chuck E. Cheese's on his 5th birthday if you had not made off with him to an undisclosed location and if dialup internet weren't so damn slow.
TRACY: Um...uh....what?
PAUL: Tracy, did you just have a mini-stroke seizure thing?
TRACY: PFFFFFFFT! (Gets up. Trips) Too many mimosas this morning, I guess.
HOSPITAL
CARLY: You want me to spy on Sam for you? I'm on it.
JASON: Just check to make sure she doesn't wear 6" heels and trip down any more flights of stairs. Or plug in any more space heaters.
CARLY: Will do.
SAM'S PENTHOUSE
SAM: Jason? How's Jake?
JAKE: He has to go to some Shriner hospital in Philly because his bones are too broken for GH to fix.
SAM: Poor kid. Shriner's is the best. They made Spencer's burn scar completely disappear, so Jake will be running three-legged races by the time Field Day comes around.
METROCOURT RESTAURANT
AVA: Kiki, I totally forgive you for taking Avery to see Sonny. Look! I even bought you a dress to wear to Uncle Julian's wedding!
KIKI: OMG, Mom, that dress is totes gorge! I love it!
AVA: Just promise to be Avery's mommy if something should happen to me.
KIKI: OMG, do you have cancer again?
AVA: No, and if I did I really would be screwed because Silas...well, let's not go there.
KIKI: Is it the mob? You really should pull an Uncle Julian and get out.
AVA: It's just me thinking ahead.
COFFEE WAREHOUSE
DARBY: Do you know what time it is, Morgan?
MORGAN: Not really, but I can check.
DARBY: It's SEXY TIME!!!!!
MORGAN: Little Morgan is SO ready! I told him his vacation was OVER and he's back on the job.
DARBY: I'm counting on it.
HOSPITAL
SONNY: Carly, do you want to be my date for Julian's wedding?
CARLY: What, you mean you're actually GOING to that travesty of a wedding?
SONNY: I'm doing it for Kristina.
CARLY: I'd SO love to tell Alexis to SUCK IT after all the times she's needled me about being with you. It's not like Kristina appeared out of thin air, you know. But in the interest of not embarrassing Kristina, I'll keep my trap shut. Just keep me away from the hooch and things should go just fine.
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
DILLON: Sit on this here chair and act natural.
ANNA: So, Dillon, tell me a little about your sister Susan.
DILLON: Susan? Well, we exchanged a few emails and she invited me to play Candy Crush on facebook, but aside from that, I don't know her from a hole in the wall. All I know is that she lives in Maine and runs some shop named Suki's.
ANNA: Suki's? Does it sell Japanese trinkets or something?
DILLON: She said it's some name our dad used to call her.
ANNA: Very interesting...
DILLON: But she still hates his guts. I think.
ANNA: Thank you for the tip.
DILLON: Thank you for the pix. You're lookin' good. It's kinda awesome to have a superspy like you in our Real Women issue. It appeals to the 007 demographic.
HOSPITAL
CAMERON: Hi Mom. How's Jake?
LIZ: He's doing better.
AIDEN: Yay! Is he coming home? He can play with my legos if he wants.
LIZ: That's very nice, Aiden, but he's going to a different hospital in a different city with doctors that can put his broken bones back together again.
AIDEN: Can the fix him? If not, maybe they can use my Elmer's Glue.
LIZ: They are very good at fixing, Aiden. Now you boys be good for Gram and your sitter.
FRANCO: Hey, Elizabeth, you're really good at this kid thing.
LIZ: Thank you, Franco. You've surprisingly become my sorta BFF through all this.
FRANCO: Does that mean we can email each other funny jokes and stuff? Or maybe you just let me know how Jake's doing.
LIZ: I'll keep you posted.
FRANCO: Say hi to the kid for me and tell him I owe him a set of brand spankin' new crayons so he can draw rainbows and all that non-disturbing stuff with them.
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