There are hostages everywhere around Port Chuckles on February 19, 2016. At the pier, an increasingly unhinged Morgan holds Dixon and his associates hostage while waving Sonny's gun around. Raj has Lulu handcuffed on The Haunted Star. Dixon escapes the Feds and holds up the church right after Julian and Alexis say their "I do"s. People are shot. Franco gives hostage-taking tips. Jordan is pissed because she was left out of the loop. Pier 54 is armed with nearly 200 military grade assault rifles. In the words of one 3-year-old Michelle Tanner, "This is NUTS!"
CHURCH
MINISTER: Julian Jerome and Alexis Davis, they of whom I had merely read about in the Port Chuckles Herald, fancy meeting you here.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: OMG, we HAVE to go grab Morgan by the ear and get him the hell off Pier 54!
ANNA: Now, now, Carly. We can't charge in there like a mother whose son got into another fight at school. This situation must be handled CAREFULLY.
CARLY: SCREW carefully! My son could get himself KILLED!
ANNA: We need to catch the bad guys in the act of arms trafficking.
CARLY: PFFFFFFFFFFT! I'm goin' in with a giant net and there's nothing you can do to stop me!
PCPD
DANTE: Why hasn't Lulu returned my text?
JORDAN: Give her space, Dante. A girl needs her space.
DANTE: She was just going to grab some stuff from her boat and then go pick up Rocco.
JORDAN: Maybe she's looking for her curling iron.
HAUNTED STAR
RAJ: Looks like your sweetie left a text for you. Too bad you'll never read it. (throws Lulu's phone overboard)
LULU: MER PHERN!!! YER THREW MER PHERN ERN TER DER HERBER!!!
RAJ: What was that? You're going to have to speak more clearly.
LULU: TERK DERS DERKT TERP ERF MER MERF!!!!
RAJ: Speak English, blondie! I know I look somewhat exotic, but I don't speak your weird mumbly language.
LULU: EEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
RAJ: CRAP! What's happening on the pier? Who's that assclown waving his gun at my guys? Gotta go. Hope you can swim. (throws Lulu overboard)
LULU: Glug Glug Glug
CHURCH
ALEXIS: Who knew that a night of unprotected teenage sex in a Camaro could lead to our kickass daughter? Then, you came back with a fake name, saved our grandson, knocked Olivia up while you were still in the mob and I was dating Ned to make you jealous enough to quit. Then you quit the mob when you thought Leo was dead and we got back together in time for you to give me a brand spankin' new lake house! I love you, Julian!
JULIAN: I've screwed up a whole lot in my life, growing up mobster and all. Then I went into Witness Protection and learned how to run a media empire. But it wasn't until I met you that I truly learned how to kick the mob habit. Sometimes, you just have to go cold turkey. There's no pill or patch for quitting the mob. At least none that I know of. There's no Mobaholics Anonymous. But when you have an Alexis by your side, you don't need any of that crap. That's why I love you, my no-longer-random teenage hookup. That's why I'm happy to be your hubby.
MINISTER: May I have the rings, please.
LUCAS: (fiddling around in his pockets trying to find them) CRAP!
MOLLY: Keep calm and check the inside breast pocket
LUCAS: Voila! Found 'em!
PIER 54
MORGAN: FREEZE, WABBITS! Drop your guns, you idiots! Wabbits don't carry guns, don't you know that? Kick 'em in the harbor! NOW, WABBITS, OR I'LL SHOOT YOUR WASCALLY ASSES!
PAUL: You don't want to do this, kid! Sonny will ground you and take away your iPad.
MORGAN: Shut up and throw your gun overboard, you geezer!
PAUL: What gun? I don't see a gun on me. I figured, why bother? It's not like there aren't 200 or so of them right here on this pier.
MORGAN: SHUT UP YOU OL' WABBIT!!!! IMMA SHOOT IF YOU DON'T SHOW ME ALL THEM GUNS RIGHT NOW!!!! OPEN THE GODDAMN CRATES!
DIXON'S GOON: (opens a crate) You happy now?
MORGAN: OOOOOH! SO MANY GUNS!!!! AND THEY'RE ALL MINE!!!!! ALL MINE YOU STUPID WABBITS!!!!!
SONNY'S GUN IN MORGAN'S HAND: BANG!
MORGAN: SEE? THIS GUN WORKS!!!
DIXON: Nice try, whackjob! (Overpowers Morgan and takes Sonny's gun from him. They struggle)
KIKI: Morgan!
SONNY'S GUN IN DIXON'S HAND: BANG!
KIKI: OMG! I...chest...shot...can't...breathe (Kiki collapses)
MORGAN: KIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIIII! Don't die, KIIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIII!
PAUL: The cash, Dixon.
DIXON: All the Benjamins.
FEDS: FEDS ARE HERE! HANDS ON YOUR HEADS!
PAUL: Surely you don't mean me? I'm on your team, guys! I'm a fed. You're a fed. We're one big happy fed family.
DIXON: (to himself) I'm outta here. Get me to the church on time.
CHURCH
MINISTER: Jeez, you two! Jump the gun much? Oh, I forgot, you don't know how church works. You're supposed to kiss AFTER I pronounce you husband and wife.
JULIAN: My bad.
MINISTER: I now pronounce you husband and wife. Have at it!
DIXON: Whatsamatter? You've never seen a scary-looking dude with a gun crash a wedding before? And you call yourselves a soap opera town!
JULIAN: What the?
DIXON: Shut up or I'll plug ya! And that goes for all ya. Don't speak unless spoken to by ME! I'm the boss here now. Hey, Mobster on Wheels. You let young Elmer Fudd roam the dark, dingy piers of this town often? He came at us with your gun and kept calling us wascally wabbits.
SONNY: You'll have to excuse my son. He's off his meds. But if you hurt him, you answer to ME!
DIXON: I'm petrified. NOT! What can you do to me in a wheelchair? I'm not easily rolled over, you know. Hey Bride, who the hell are you anyway?
ALEXIS: Alexis Davis. I don't believe a woman should surrender her name just because a man put a ring on her finger.
DIXON: Great! A feminist! At a church wedding! That's hilarious. Hey Groom, I know you. You're Ava Jerome's brother, Julian, who thinks he's gone mob-free. That's cute, Jerome. Dude sitting by Ava, what's your story? Keep it to 140 characters or less. I have a Twitter attention span.
LUCAS: Dr. Lucas Jones.
DIXON: Asian, how about you?
BRAD: Brad Cooper.
DIXON: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hilarious name! I have a fun idea. How about taking this shiny dish thingy and collect everyone's phones. It's so rude to be checking your instagram feed while a guy's trying to hold you hostage.
PIER 54
JORDAN: What the hell, Paul and Anna? Leave me out of the loop much?
PAUL: You were busy. We didn't want to bother you.
MORGAN: KIIIIIIIIKIIIIII! BREATHE, KIIIIIIIKIIIIII! BREATHE!
JORDAN: Morgan, you're coming with me to the station.
MORGAN: NOOOOO! I HAVE TO SAVE KIIIIIIKIIIIII'S LIFE!
CARLY: I'll do that for you, Morgan! Come on, Kiki! Don't die on my son! If he's crazy, it's for you! Someone get a GODDAMN AMBULANCE!!! NOW!!!!
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: Lulu where are you? When I say Marco, you say Polo, okay? MARCO!
HARBOR NEAR HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Glug Glug... Polo... Glug.
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: MARCO!
DANTE'S MIND: All the nostalgic Dante & Lulu couple feels!
HARBOR
LULU: Glug...Polo...Glug Glug.
CHURCH
FRANCO: Hey, Mr. Assassin Man. I'm hurt that you've paid no attention to me whatsoever. My name is Robert Bobby Frank Todd Manning Franco Baldwin, but people usually just call me Franco. With all due respect to your badassery, you're going about this hostage-taking thing all wrong! You're supposed to lead everyone in this church in a game of "I Spy" and tell them there's a bomb somewhere and whoever finds it gets the prize. Of course the prize is rather morbid, but when you put it that way, it makes it sound a lot more fun.
DIXON: You're almost as cracked as Corinthos's kid! How about we all sing London Bridge Is Falling Down instead? Anybody whose lips aren't moving gets shot. London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, my fair---
NATHAN: This is stupid.
SONNY'S GUN IN DIXON'S HAND: Bang!
MAXIE: Nathan! Come on, Mob Guy! His lips were moving!
DIXON: But he WASN'T singing! I'll let you live because I have a thing for blondes.
PCPD
MORGAN: LET ME OUTTA HERE! KIKI'S DYING AND I HAVE TO USE MY MAGIC HEALING POWERS ON HER!!!!
MICHAEL: Chill, Morgan. Mom's taking care of Kiki until the ambulance comes. Just answer the Commish's questions and she'll let you go.
JORDAN: What happened tonight on Pier 54?
MORGAN: SCREW YOU COMMISH! I HAVE TO SAVE KIKI!!!!
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