Box: 1 Ring: 0

    Maxie is relieved when the tiny box Nathan gives her does not contain a ring.  Dante and Lulu perform an autopsy on their marriage while being trapped in a hotel room.  Liz is none too pleased to learn that Nikolas has married Hayden.  Jason and Sam find comfort in familiar surroundings.  At The Rib, Andre and Jordan's date goes south, taking Curtis and Valerie's date with it.   Nikolas needs Sam's help. 

  
    METROCOURT RM 501

     LULU:  MAAAAXXXXXIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!    I'm trapped in this room with my soon-to-be ex-hubby.  LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!
     DANTE:  We could always climb over the balcony...if we could open the damn door!   Aren't these doors supposed be OPEN for customers who want to...I don't know...sit out on the balcony and watch pampered princes with their own private island get in fights with amnesiacs and take a swan dive into a dumpster? 
     LULU:  That "pampered prince" was MY BROTHER!  
     DANTE:  Oh, right.   Well, it looks like we're stuck here.   When we get out, I'm gonna cuff that so-called best buddy of mine for false imprisonment.  


    MAXIE AND NATHAN'S METROCOURT ROOM

     MAXIE:  This is the perfect Valentine's Day.  You and me, having a romantic dinner after locking our two best friends in a hotel room with nobody on their floor to hear them scream.  
    NATHAN:  Nothing says "I love you" like plotting and scheming together.  
    MAXIE:  Dante and Lulu will thank us for forcing them to work out their issues and find out just where their perfect couplehood went wrong.  
    NATHAN:  I have a little cadeau for you.  
    MAXIE:  Is that a good thing? 
    NATHAN:  Cadeau is French for "present."  (presents small jewelry box to Maxie) 
    MAXIE:  OMG!   You want to put a ring on it!   But I've sworn off marriage after fake-marrying Spinelli, marrying a guy to keep him out of jail, being kidnapped by a fake Aussie who was after my mom's Aztec jewels, the list goes on! 
    NATHAN:  Well it's a good thing there's not a ring in this box.  
    MAXIE:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAT????    Was that a proposal fakeout Nathan West?  


    FLOATING RIB

    JORDAN:  RUN, Valerie.  RUN, don't walk, away from Curtis. 
    VALERIE:  Are there any guys in this town I CAN date?  
   
    ANDRE:  So, Curtis, what went down with you and Jordan Ashford?   Why does she harbor so much resentment toward you? 
    CURTIS:  Harbor resentment???  What are you, a shrink or something?  
    ANDRE:  I'm surprised Miss Ashford has discussed my profession with you.  
    CURTIS:  She didn't have to.  Walks like a shrink.  Quacks like a shrink...


     WYNDEMERE

     LIZ:  Hayden stole the cookies from the cookie jar.
     HAYDEN:  Who?  Me?  
     LIZ:  Yes, you! 
     HAYDEN:  Couldn't be! 
     NIKOLAS:  Welcome back to the castle, Liz.  You know which wing's yours.  
     HAYDEN:  As sorry as I feel for poor Elizabeth and her exploded house, isn't three a crowd for our honeymoon? 
     LIZ:  HONEYMOON??? 


     SAM'S PENTHOUSE

     JASON:  Guess what?  I remembered where the kitchen is!  And how to make pasta!  
     SAM:  Edible food!  Yum!  
     JASON:  It's more than just edible.  I think.  I had a memory of me making a pretty good Pasta With Some Good Stuff On It.  
     SAM:  It was your signature dish.  
     JASON:  So here's the list of stuff I remember about our marriage:  I'm a kickass superhero, my favorite fragrance is Eau de Wet Sam, I like making out with you, and I know how to get creative with noodles. 
     SAM:  Now that's what I call progress!  

    
    THE FLOATING RIB

     VALERIE:  So, tell me about your days as a coke addict. 
      CURTIS:  Well, it started with the classic.  Then the new stuff came out and it wasn't that good, so I went back to the classic.  I tried the diet version and even the zero, but I was payin' too much for dental work so I kicked the habit.  
      VALERIE:  I guess kicking the soda habit is a smart move, but what about the drugs?  
      CURTIS:  Sugar can be addicting.   It was my drug.   
      VALERIE:  OMG, look at the time.   Gotta study for cop school. 
      CURTIS:  I gotta find a new place to hang out.  
   
     METROCOURT ROOM 501

     LULU:  Since we're stuck in here, Dante, we might was well go all CSI on our marriage.   You know, lay it out on the table and see just what caused it to croak. 
    DANTE:  It beats sitting around reading old issues of Crimson, may cousin Connie rest in peace.  
    LULU:  So, where shall we start?  
    DANTE:  Well, I cheated so there's that.  
    LULU:  Medical examiner Lulu says that your roll in the sack with Cousin Val was merely a symptom of the advanced disease afflicting our marriage.  Medical examiner Lulu says our marriage was suffering from a serious case of LackOfTrustOsis.  
    DANTE: I say Medical examiner Lulu has daddy issues.  
    LULU:  Say WHAAAAAAAAT?????

   
    MAXIE AND NATHAN'S METROCOURT ROOM

   NATHAN:  Sorry for the fakeout, Maxie, but I thought you'd like this charm with Georgie's birthstone on it better than some silly old engagement ring.  It's a symbol that I'm totally cool with you having a kid with another man.   I want to be a family with you and Georgie, but we can wait on the whole marriage thing until you're sure I'm not a hacker, on my way to jail, or after your family's jewels.  
  MAXIE:  Nathan, that's so SWEET!   I'm getting all the missing Georgie, loving you, wanting to check on Dante and Lulu feels. 
  NATHAN:  I'm cool with the first two feels, but let's leave Dante and Lulu alone and have some Valentine's Day no engagement sex!  

  
    THE FLOATING RIB

    ANDRE:  Tell me, Jordan, what is it about Curtis that makes you feel so ill at ease? 
    JORDAN:  Besides the fact that he had a part in all the troubles between me and Tommy before Tommy died in Afghanistan, the fact that he did coke, and a few other unsavory things, nothing at all. 
    ANDRE:  It seems your issues with Curtis run deep.  
    JORDAN:  Are you trying to shrink me?   Is this some new form of dating I haven't caught on to?  Dinner and psychoanalysis all in one romantic package?  
    ANDRE:  I'm sorry my inner shrink took over.   When he has too many beers, there's no shutting him up. 
    JORDAN:  Okay, well, it kinda killed the mood.  What time is it getting to be?   I don't want to be late for my date with my bed.   (leaves)
    ANDRE:  Do I still have Anna's number?  

  
    WYNDEMERE

      LIZ:  I have to go talk orthopedics with Jake's doctor.   He might have broken another leg or something.  
      NIKOLAS:  Poor kid. 
      HAYDEN:  Yeah, poor kid.  Even I have sympathy for him.  
      NIKOLAS:  That's very human of you, Hayden.  For that, you can have another one of Grandmother's bracelets.  
      HAYDEN:  I can't wait to do enough nice things to collect them all!  
      NIKOLAS:  I'll give it to you with dinner and you can call it a Happy Meal. 
      HAYDEN:  Give it to me with Le Petit Mort and it will be an even happier meal. 

    
    SAM'S PENTHOUSE

     SAM:  (over phone) Nikolas?   I thought I un-cousined you when you stole ELQ from Jason's family.
     NIKOLAS:  Look, Sam, I know we're on bad cousin terms and all, but you're the only P.I. I know of and I think my new wife has a closet full of skeletons and I need your help finding the one named Rachel.