Stick Your Mobbery Where The Sun Don't Shine

     Dr. Griffin "Hot Doc" Munro isn't about to become the official neurosurgeon of the Port Chuckles Mafia.  Monica recommends sending Jake to Shriners' Hospital in Philly for the second annual "Port Chuckles kid gets seriously injured, gets sent to Shriners'" cross-promotion.   Kiki confides in Franco about Morgan's troubles with "Little Morgan".   Kristina confronts Morgan, who is in no mood to listen.  Ava has a gift for Kiki.  Anna poses for Crimson while grilling Dillon about his sister.   Tracy blacks out again in the middle of an argument with Paul.    Alexis extends a wedding invite to Jason. 

        HOSPITAL

       GRIFFIN:  I did a little research on you, Godfather.  
       SONNY:  What is it about coffee importing that makes me the Port Chuckles version of Marlon Brando? 
       GRIFFIN:  Save it, Dimpled Don.   I know you're malingering for mobular reasons and I refuse to be party to organized crime.  
       SONNY:  Fine, I'll find a new doctor.   No I won't.  The other doctors here suck like a Dirt Devil on steroids.  Let me make you an offer you can't refuse.  



      COFFEE WAREHOUSE

     KRISTINA:   Morgan?  Earth to Morgan!  
     MORGAN:   What the hell, Krissy?   I was jammin' something fierce while hurling coffee bags on shelves. 
     KRISTINA:  So I have this wild and crazy idea of inviting Dad to my mom's wedding.   You know, it beats giving her her 8,000th toaster.  
     MORGAN:  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   That's hilarious, Krissy.  Like Dad would stand back and watch his enemy marry one of his baby mamas!   Not.  Gonna.  Happen.  
     KRISTINA:  You are SO off your meds. 
     MORGAN:  Meds are overrated and, well, Little Morgan didn't approve.  
    

     METROCOURT RESTAURANT

     KIKI:  Franco, I need to talk to you about Little Morgan. 
     FRANCO:  What, did you put your boyfriend in the dryer and he shrunk?   You might want to read the label.   Volatile twenty-somethings are dry clean only.  
     KIKI:  I mean Morgan's, um...his male... Morgan's penis, okay?  
     FRANCO:  You, me, and Morgan's penis...just the way I wanted to spend my lunch break.    So what's up? 
     KIKI:  More like "What's down?"  Little Morgan's taken a leave of absence.   Big Morgan thinks it's because of his bipolar meds. 
     FRANCO:  Makes sense.   He could always try Viagra or Cialis.  Tell him to check his spam filter for free trial coupons.  
     KIKI:  But what if it's not his meds.   What if Little Morgan's just not that into me? 


     SAM'S APARTMENT

     ALEXIS:  If you want to invite Jason to the wedding, go right ahead.   I'll make sure to pre-medicate your father with a glass or two of Scotch.  
     SAM:  You know what?   Skip the pre-wedding booze.  I'm going to give Dad the gift of a Jason-free wedding.  Consider it my "Better Than Another Toaster" wedding present.  
     KRISTINA:  OMG, Sam!   Tell me EXACTLY how Jason saved your life!  I want EVERY DETAIL!  
    

     HOSPITAL

     MONICA:  Jake broke his arm and leg in about 50 places.  He needs to go to Shriners' Hospital for Children in Philly.  
     LIZ:  Isn't that where Spencer went last year after Cameron tipped over that candle that caused the fire that caused the really tiny scar that's no longer visible?   They are miracle workers!   It will be like Jake never ran in front of that car at all. 
     CARLY:  Exactly.  Shriners' Hospital For Children is the awesomesauce and I'm not even being paid to say this. 
     JASON:  Okay, that was the easiest decision ever.   How soon can we teleport him to Philly?  


     METROCOURT RESTAURANT

     DILLON:  Anna, can you do me a favor and model for Crimson?
     ANNA:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?  (to herself)  This will give me a chance to interrogate him about his long lost sister Susan  (to Dillon)  Oooookay.  I'm flattered.   Point me to your studio.
     DILLON:  About that, can we just use the interrogation room at the PCPD?
     ANNA:  That's perfect, in more ways than one!  

   
     Q MANSION

      PAUL:  Tracy, what did you say to Dillon to poison him against me?   He just told me to stick my cuff links in an awfully uncomfortable anatomical location.  
      TRACY:  Go Dillon!   Our son has a mind of his own, Paul.   He figured out you were scum ALL. BY. HIMSELF.
      PAUL:  But I need to make up for lost time.   Maybe I'll write him another check...
      TRACY:  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!    I wonder where THAT money came from.   I'm guessing that same uncomfortable anatomical location.  
      PAUL:  You know I would have sent him a gift certificate for Chuck E. Cheese's on his 5th birthday if you had not made off with him to an undisclosed location and if dialup internet weren't so damn slow.  
      TRACY:  Um...uh....what?  
      PAUL:  Tracy, did you just have a mini-stroke seizure thing?  
      TRACY:  PFFFFFFFT!  (Gets up.  Trips)  Too many mimosas this morning, I guess.  

     
     HOSPITAL

      CARLY:  You want me to spy on Sam for you?   I'm on it.
      JASON:  Just check to make sure she doesn't wear 6" heels and trip down any more flights of stairs.   Or plug in any more space heaters.
      CARLY:   Will do.  


      SAM'S PENTHOUSE

      SAM:  Jason?   How's Jake?
      JAKE:  He has to go to some Shriner hospital in Philly because his bones are too broken for GH to fix.
      SAM:  Poor kid.  Shriner's is the best.   They made Spencer's burn scar completely disappear, so Jake will be running three-legged races by the time Field Day comes around.  


      METROCOURT RESTAURANT

     AVA:  Kiki, I totally forgive you for taking Avery to see Sonny.   Look!  I even bought you a dress to wear to Uncle Julian's wedding!
     KIKI:  OMG, Mom, that dress is totes gorge!   I love it!  
     AVA:   Just promise to be Avery's mommy if something should happen to me.
     KIKI:  OMG, do you have cancer again?
     AVA:  No, and if I did I really would be screwed because Silas...well, let's not go there.
     KIKI:  Is it the mob?   You really should pull an Uncle Julian and get out. 
     AVA:  It's just me thinking ahead.  


    COFFEE WAREHOUSE

     DARBY:  Do you know what time it is, Morgan? 
     MORGAN:  Not really, but I can check. 
     DARBY:  It's SEXY TIME!!!!!  
     MORGAN:  Little Morgan is SO ready!   I told him his vacation was OVER and he's back on the job.  
     DARBY:  I'm counting on it.  


     HOSPITAL

     SONNY:  Carly, do you want to be my date for Julian's wedding? 
     CARLY:  What, you mean you're actually GOING to that travesty of a wedding? 
     SONNY:  I'm doing it for Kristina.  
     CARLY:  I'd SO love to tell Alexis to SUCK IT after all the times she's needled me about being with you.  It's not like Kristina appeared out of thin air, you know.    But in the interest of not embarrassing Kristina, I'll keep my trap shut.  Just keep me away from the hooch and things should go just fine.  

    
     PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM

     DILLON:  Sit on this here chair and act natural. 
     ANNA:  So, Dillon, tell me a little about your sister Susan. 
     DILLON:  Susan?  Well, we exchanged a few emails and she invited me to play Candy Crush on facebook, but aside from that, I don't know her from a hole in the wall.   All I know is that she lives in Maine and runs some shop named Suki's. 
    ANNA: Suki's?  Does it sell Japanese trinkets or something?  
    DILLON:  She said it's some name our dad used to call her.  
    ANNA:  Very interesting...
    DILLON:  But she still hates his guts.  I think.  
    ANNA:  Thank you for the tip. 
    DILLON:  Thank you for the pix.   You're lookin' good.   It's kinda awesome to have a superspy like you in our Real Women issue.  It appeals to the 007 demographic.  

   
    HOSPITAL

    CAMERON:  Hi Mom.  How's Jake? 
    LIZ:  He's doing better. 
    AIDEN:  Yay!  Is he coming home?  He can play with my legos if he wants. 
    LIZ:  That's very nice, Aiden, but he's going to a different hospital in a different city with doctors that can put his broken bones back together again.  
    AIDEN:  Can the fix him?   If not, maybe they can use my Elmer's Glue.  
    LIZ:  They are very good at fixing, Aiden.   Now you boys be good for Gram and your sitter.  

    FRANCO:  Hey, Elizabeth, you're really good at this kid thing. 
    LIZ:  Thank you, Franco.  You've surprisingly become my sorta BFF through all this.  
    FRANCO:  Does that mean we can email each other funny jokes and stuff?   Or maybe you just let me know how Jake's doing. 
    LIZ:  I'll keep you posted.  
    FRANCO:  Say hi to the kid for me and tell him I owe him a set of brand spankin' new crayons so he can draw rainbows and all that non-disturbing stuff with them.