What Happens In Vegas...

    Nikolas and Hayden elope to Vegas for a wedding that would have Helena spinning in her (supposed) grave.  Franco vetoes Nina's desire to have him knock her up.   Ava hits the roof when she finds out Kiki dropped Avery off at Sonny's.  Sonny feels he has an ace in the hole when it comes to Ava.   Morgan's date with Kiki takes them to the waterfront and what looks like a new set.   Over at Wyndemere, Laura and Tracy kibitz about Hayden and Nikolas.   Ava consults Scott Baldwin for legal advice.

   
      LAS VEGAS
  
     NIKOLAS:  This place couldn't look more like a dime store Wyndemere if it tried.
     HAYDEN:  Come on, Nikolas, don't you get the humor in all this?  I'm marrying a prince at a Vegas CASTLE!   Complete with a court jester!
     ARTHUR THE BUFFOON:  That's buffoon to you.  Welcome to the FABULOUS Camelot wedding chapel.   You have ten minutes to find a wedding dress and a tux and get ready to say "I do."  Good luck with that.   But first, here are some crowns we stole from the Burger King on the strip.
     NIKOLAS: How classy.  By the way, Hayden, can you sign this pre-nup before we get this Vegas wedding debacle on the road?   We have about 9 minutes, so time's a-wasting.
     HAYDEN:  Pre-nup?  What, do you not trust me?  Just kidding!   I'm totes kewl with signing a pre-nup.  Gimme a pen and let's get it done.


      NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT

    SCOTT:  I come bearing cheese steaks and I'm hoping for a little father-son bonding.  Remember the time we wore those plush MetroCourt bathrobes the night before your non-wedding to Carly?   Good times, son.  Good times!
    FRANCO:  Sure, pops.  Come in.   My stomach's not in a particularly good place right now, though.  You know, dealing with disturbed pediatric patients and all.   This one drew morbid stuff, then got run over by a car. 
    SCOTT:  Sorry to hear that, son.   Not sorry to hear you haven't been arrested lately, though.
    NINA:  It's SEXYTIME!   (Sees Scott) Or not...
    SCOTT:  Nice talking with ya, son.
    NINA:  I didn't mean to chase your dad away, but let's get to babymakin' so I can put my preggers belly on the cover of Crimson issue after the Olivia's Boobs issue. 
    FRANCO:  Um...NO!


      METROCOURT RESTAURANT

     KIKI:  Well THAT was the fastest Indian Flu I've ever heard of.
     AVA:  Where's Avery?
     KIKI:  Safe and sound, WITH HER FATHER!
     AVA:  You left her with SONNY?   What part of "Keep her away from Sonny" didn't you understand, Kiki?
     KIKI:  What part of "Don't fake sick to your OWN DAUGHTER" don't you understand, MOM!
   
   
       SONNY'S HOUSE

       SONNY:  This little piggy went to market.  This little piggy stayed home.  This little piggy--
       CARLY:  I'm confused?  Where's the guard dog?   Was today an Avery day?    Does Ava know about this?
       SONNY:  Ava has some exotic disease and left Avery in the care of Kiki.  Kiki knows that little girls need their daddies, so she brought Avery over.   Any questions?
       CARLY:  Just one.  What's going to happen when Ava finds out?  Not if, but WHEN.
       SONNY:  Looks like we're about to find out.  Morgan just texted me an Ava Alert.
       CARLY:  So much for being sick.   At least physically.


      WYNDEMERE

       LAURA (Over phone):  Nikolas, please think twice, three times, ten times, before marrying that lying manipulative Hayden.
       TRACY:  You think the man who stole ELQ from my family is gonna LISTEN TO HIS MAMA?        LAURA:  I thought I not-so-subtly sent you off to Mexico.
       TRACY:  I'm baaaaaaaack!
       LAURA:  So I noticed.
       TRACY:  Not a member of the Hayden Barnes fan club, I gather.
       LAURA:  She's bamboozling my son.
       TRACY:  Nikolas getting bamboozled?  Say it ain't so!
       LAURA:  Nikolas is a romantic.   Hayden batted her eyelashes at him.   Therefore, they've probably gone and eloped.


       LAS VEGAS

     NIKOLAS:  Hayden, you sure clean up nicely.
     HAYDEN:  Well, I am marrying a prince in a fake Vegas castle.
     ARTHUR THE BUFFOON:  Allow me to introduce the Burger King of Windsor, who will be officiating your union at the FABULOUS Camelot Wedding Chapel.
     NIKOLAS: If Grandmother could see me now...  Hayden, let us not lie, cheat, or steal except to, on, or from each other.  Or something like that. 
     HAYDEN:  Yeah, I guess.  It's not like I wrote any vows or anything.
     BURGER KING OF WINDSOR:  Nikolas Nikolosivich Mikhailovich Stravinsky Cassadeeeeen-CassaDINE do you take this woman to be your wife and so on and so forth?
      NIKOLAS:  I do.
      BURGER KING OF WINDSOR:  Hayden Barnes and Noble, do you take Nikolas Long Russian Greek Name to be your husband and so on and so forth?
      HAYDEN:  I do.
      BURGER KING OF WINDSOR:  Okay, the deal is done.  Do your kissing thing and make it snappy.   Next wedding is in 30 seconds.

 
       NINA, FRANCO, AND KIKI'S APARTMENT

      NINA:  You WON'T try to beat the odds and put a baby into me? 
      FRANCO:  Look, there's no point sugar-coating it, my beloved Nina.   I'm crazy.  You're crazy.  Our baby would be born with a heaping double dose of wackadoo and that's just not fair. 
      NINA:  But what if our baby inherited all the UN-crazy parts of both of us?  What if he or she became an art therapist who moonlighted in fashion magazine editing?
      FRANCO:  There's too much of a chance our kid would end up becoming a needle-wielding baby-kidnapping, serial-killing and possibly BLT-obsessed cuckoo bird with hedgehog hair. 
      NINA:  We can always adopt.
      FRANCO:  I'll think about it.


       SONNY'S HOUSE

       AVA:  How DARE you try to snow Kiki into letting you have unsupervised time with MY DAUGHTER!
       SONNY:  Get your exotic-disease-infected hands off MY DAUGHTER!
       AVA:  I'm cured.  SO THERE!
       SONNY:  Fine, you win this battle, but I'll win the war. 
       AVA:  Don't mind if I do.   See you in court, hot wheels. 
       CARLY:  That was way too easy.  FOR AVA!   What's going on in that brain of yours, Sonny?
       SONNY:  I've got some intel on Ava that will BRING HER DOWN and give us our daughter back.


       WATERFRONT PROMENADE

      MORGAN:  Nice place. 
      KIKI:  Yeah, you can't beat the view.  It's like something we've never seen before.
      MORGAN:  Baby it's cold outside.  Take my scarf.
      KIKI:  I like this sane Morgan.
      MORGAN:  I guess these meds are good for something.


      METROCOURT RESTAURANT

     SCOTT  What's the emergency, Ava?
     AVA:  I found this precious little one AT SONNY'S HOUSE!
     SCOTT:  Doesn't he have visitation?
     AVA:  Not when it's supervised by my other daughter, Kiki, who's got some sort of weird soft spot for my mortal enemy.
     SCOTT:  Did Sonny, I don't know, ARRANGE for Kiki to sneak your kid over there?
     AVA:  No, Kiki took it upon herself to use her little sister to work out her own daddy issues.
     SCOTT:  Sorry.  Can't help there.   But it was nice seeing ya again, Ava. 
     AVA:  You see, Scott, I'm being forced into unsavory business negotiations by a certain erotic-art-loving...individual...who is holding a certain piece of evidence over my head.
   

     WYNDEMERE

     SCOTT:  Mail for you, my lovely lady in red.
     LAURA:  What's this?
     SCOTT:  It's from the estate of one Helena Cassadine.
     LAURA:  Great.  Helena's tormenting me from beyond the grave. 


     LAS VEGAS

     MAN:  Rachel?
     HAYDEN:  (to herself) CRAP!