I Kinda Hate Your Wife

     Liz is unsure about whether she wants to continue to live at Wyndemere because of her feelings toward Hayden.   Anna and Griffin have a strange encounter.   Sam gives her parents a wedding gift.  Hayden meets with Tracy and Tracy's bizarre behavior takes a turn for the terrifying.   Andre comforts Anna in the chapel.   Nathan explains himself to Maxie. 

       NATHAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM

        MAXIE:  Nathan West, you better WAKE THE HELL UP and tell me who Claudette is!   
        NATHAN:  Um...uh...what?  
        MAXIE:  CLAUDETTE?   Does that name ring a bell to you? 
        NATHAN:  CHILLAX, Max!  Claudette was my FRENCH POODLE growing up.  
        MAXIE:  Yeah, and Levi/Peter/Whatshispsychoface was a KANGAROO!  
        NATHAN:  Jealous much?   Claudette was a DOG, Maxie.   A perfect, adorable, sweet dog, but a DOG!  
      

        HOSPITAL

         ANNA:  I KNOW I've seen you somewhere before!
         GRIFFIN:  Deja vu much? 
         ANNA:  I'm probably just hallucinating.   Everyone hallucinates in this town, really.   It's as much a part of life in The Chuckles as teleportation or coming back from the dead.  How's Kiki Jerome? 
        GRIFFIN:  I see I have my work cut out for me here.   Ms. Jerome's all ICU-ed up, but she's still among the living.  
        ANNA:  Good to know.  

       
        FLOATING RIB

       SAM:  Hi Mom and Dad!   What's a newlywed couple like you two doing at a place like this?    I have a wedding gift for you that might class things up a little.  
       JULIAN & ALEXIS:  A night in the Honeymoon Suite at the MetroCourt.   Thank you, loving daughter!   
      
       HAYDEN:  Hanging out at a pool hall?   How very un-Quartermaine of you, Tracy.  
       TRACY:  How little you know about me, Haychel.  
       HAYDEN:  Au contraire!   I know you were married seven times and ditched this town for the city from '96 to '03. 
       TRACY:   And you point? 
       HAYDEN:  You skipped town and left your loaded fam and your prized company behind for 7 years, that's my point!  
     
     
       SHRINERS' HOSPITALS FOR CHILDREN

      LIZ:  Doctor, how was Jake's surgery?  Did you put Humpty Dumpty back together again? 
      SHRINERS DOC:  He will be as good as new once his casts come off.  Not a crack!   It will be as if he never ran out in front of that car at all!
     LIZ:  Shriners Hospitals for Children is all the awesomeness!   Shriners gives first-class pediatric care, even to the townie kiddos.   A-plus, Shriners Hospitals!   A-PLUS!  
    JASON:  The Quartermaines have made a donation to Shriners Hospitals for Children. 
    NIKOLAS:  Look who I brought to Shriners Hospitals for Children!  
    AIDEN:  Hi Mommy! Hi Jason!  See my cool bow tie!
    CAMERON:  Aiden and I are selling ties to benefit Shriners Hospitals for Children.  
    AIDEN:  Can we see Jake now?  

    
      HOSPITAL CHAPEL

    ANDRE:  Permission to enter your inner sanctum, Anna? 
    ANNA:  Permission granted.  
    ANDRE:  What seems to be troubling you? 
    ANNA:  Paul, Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos, prison, my 3,000 miles away family, an extremely handsome doctor I know I've seen before, but I can't remember where or when. 
    ANDRE:  Well, some things that happen for the first time, sometimes seem to be happening again, Anna.  That's called deja vu.  
   ANNA:  I know what deja vu is, Dr. Maddox.  Besides, what do you charge for in-chapel therapy sessions?   Are your rates reduced because you're getting assistance from higher powers? 


   OUTSIDE NATHAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM

   FELICIA:  What's going on, Maxie?   Is Nathan going to die? 
   MAXIE:  Nathan's going to be fine, Mom.  He's just in love with a French girl that he insists was his childhood poodle.  Some girl named Claudette.  
   FELICIA:  And you think he's lying about Claudette's species?   Why so suspicious of the hot cop? 
   MAXIE:  Because of Lulu and Dante.   If Dante can cheat on Lulu, then Nathan can cheat on me.  
   FELICIA:  Well, life can be a soap opera sometimes.  In this town, make that all the time!  

 
   FLOATING RIB

    ALEXIS:  Have you heard from Jason yet, Sam? 
    SAM:  How would he know that all hell broke loose at your wedding?   He's in Philly watching Jake be put back together again.  


   HOSPITAL

    JULIAN:  Doc, how is my niece Kiki Jerome?  
    GRIFFIN:  She's in the ICU.  
    JULIAN:  Can we see her?
    GRIFFIN:  Only if you can de-camp her mother.   It's one at a time in there.
   
   
    FLOATING RIB
   
    HAYDEN:  My father was a complicated man who was vilified by the media.   They photoshopped horns onto his head! 
   TRACY:  My father was a complicated man too.   We had our ups and downs, Daddy and me.   After all, he did leave me with nothing but a jar of relish.   But ELQ was his company that he built for his family.  
   HAYDEN:  And that's why you want to steal it back from my hubby.  
   TRACY:  I just realized something!  We both have complicated fathers!  We found some common ground, didn't we?
   HAYDEN:  You're really starting to worry me, Tracy!   Start insulting and threatening me again so I can feel like you aren't about to croak on me.  Tracy.
   TRACY:  I...um...father...company... seizure seizure seizure seizure seizure
   HAYDEN:  TRACY!!!!!  (to Griffin)  YOU, RANDOM HOT GUY, CALL 911 NOW!!!!

 
  SHRINERS HOSPITALS FOR CHILDREN

  NIKOLAS:  When will Jake be able to come home and move back into Wyndemere with us?
  LIZ:  About that...Wyndemere won't work out for us.  I sorta kinda despise Hayden.  

  JAKE:  Wanna sign my cast, Dad?
  JASON:  Sure thing, kiddo!
  CAMERON:  Are you going to play baseball with us, Jake?   I mean, are your casts going to be off by then?
   JAKE:  How do you play baseball?   They didn't teach me that on the island.  The Empress said that silly games with wands and orbs were pedestrian.  
  AIDEN:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT??? Speak English, Jake. 
  JASON:  We can teach you how, right boys?  
 
  
  HOSPITAL CHAPEL

  ANNA:  If Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos is found, he will surely turn me in for shooting him four times and I will go to prison, right along with him, but I will get justice for Duke.  
  ANDRE:  So let me get this straight:  You don't mind serving time in The Big House?
  ANNA:  It's not like anyone around here is counting on me.  They can always see me on Family Day.  
  ANDRE:  Wow, you're self esteem is in the sub-basement, Anna!   In fact, it's so far down you need archaeologists to excavate it.   Good thing archaeology is a hobby of mine!   Grab a shovel, Anna.  We're going on a dig! 


  NATHAN'S ROOM

   FELICIA:  Look what I got you, Nathan!   Something to remember "Claudette" by. 
  NATHAN:  (sees stuffed poodle) Oooooooookayyyyyyy
  MAXIE:  (to herself) I KNEW Claudette was human!