Real Women...And Imaginary 2 X 4s

     Tracy and Michael argue about regaining ELQ.  Julian gets an eyeful of Olivia and Alexis is not happy.   Sonny meets his new doctor and the face is familiar.   Nina fills her brother in on her baby envy and Franco's reluctance to become a father.  Dillon wants Maxie to rep for the millennials in the Real Women issue of Crimson.  Hayden has somewhere to be after returning from her quickie Vegas wedding.


      METROCOURT RESTAURANT

     MICHAEL:  Alexis, are you sure you're the best lawyer to represent us in this suit against Nikolas?  After all, you are his aunt.
     ALEXIS:  Nikolas is channeling his inner Helena.  I hate Helena with the fire of a thousand suns.   I am Danny's grandmother.  Danny is a Quartermaine.  I rest my case.
     MICHAEL:  Oooookay.
     TRACY:  PFFFFFFFFT!   Alexis is irrelevant.  I have a plan that will put the Q back in ELQ faster than you can get hitched in Vegas.


      WYNDEMERE

    LAURA:  Welcome back from your elopement, Nikolas.   Now I know not to hold my breath for a wedding invitation.
    NIKOLAS:  Life is short, Mother.  I found that out by sailing over a balcony a few days before Christmas.   There's no time to waste on a long engagement and an over-the-top Wyndemere wedding.   Clowns and fake fast food royalty get the job done a lot faster.
    HAYDEN:  Hello, mother-in-law!   Thanks for the bubbles, by the way!   Nice touch.
    LAURA:  Don't thank me.   Thank your new stepson who is far too young to enjoy said bubbles.
    HAYDEN:  Isn't little Spence the BEST?
    NIKOLAS:  Now that you're here, mother, how about a toast to the newlyweds.
    LAURA:  Fine.   Nikolas, Hayden, I raise my glass to you.  Your marriage is toast.


      MAXIE'S APARTMENT

     NINA:  Jay, where's Maxie?
     NATHAN:  She's at the photo shoot at The Rib.
     NINA:  And she didn't bother to send her BOSS a memo?   Whatevs!   I'm totes kewl with that.  See how I'm down with millennial lingo?   I guess that's what happens when you're in a 23 year coma and you're brain's still, what, 22?   By the way, I talked to Franco about having a baby.
     NATHAN:  Wait, didn't you tell me that because of the coma our demented mother, well my demented fake mother/aunt, put you in cause you to already go through The Change of Life?
     NINA:  Change, schmange!  It's 2016.   Anything can happen if I can convince Franco his DNA isn't radioactive or our history of serial killing/uterus robbing/kidnapping doesn't prevent us from adopting.
     NATHAN:  Yeah, good luck with that.
     NINA:  How's life living over that BLT factory?
     NATHAN:  About that...I need to send you a change of address.   I'm living here now.   It's like Three's Company...and a toddler, so make that three and a half.


      FLOATING RIB

      JULIAN:  How's the photo shoot going?  (to self) Dare I hope for disaster?
      MAXIE:  It was perfect, Mr. Jerome.   Olivia's boobs did their job and Leo didn't cry once.   That kid was HANGRY!
      OLIVIA:  What can I say?  My kid's gotta eat.
      DILLON:  That meal will be immortalized for the rest of his life.   Nice work, Olivia's boobs!   I can assure you they will be more than fairly compensated.
 

      METROCOURT RESTAURANT

       MAX:  Hey, Boss, I've got some intel on our Southeast Asian arms dealer.
       SONNY:  We need to stop that shipment before it comes into Port Chuckles.   That way, we shut down the Jeromes, bust their asses, and I get my daughter back.  Capiche?


      JULIAN'S OFFICE

      JULIAN:  No, that one won't do.  WAY too much boob.   Do I detect a nipple?   We can't have a nipple.
      OLIVIA:  Micromanage my boobs much, Julian?
      JULIAN:  That's our KID attached to one of those boobs.
      OLIVIA:  How about that shot.   No nipple.  Leo's even smiling.
      JULIAN:  Bad lighting.
      OLIVIA:  Go figure.
      JULIAN:  Maybe I don't want your boobs on display for all the world to see.
      OLIVIA:  What do you care about MY boobs?
      ALEXIS:  Good question.  What DO you care about Olivia's boobs, Julian?


      FLOATING RIB

      DILLON:  All this real woman stuff is great, but where are the under 40 chicks?   Don't get me wrong--Olivia looked great, but we need a voice of the millennials.
      MAXIE:  I can see your point.   All generations need to be represented.
      DILLON:  Here's an idea.  How about YOU be the Real Millennial Woman, Maxie?
      MAXIE:  Sorry, try again.  I'm SO not a model and remember when I tried acting?  You kept hallucinating that I was Lulu.
      DILLON:  Hello?  These are REAL WOMEN, Maxie, not models.   Last I checked, you were real.


      HOSPITAL

      GRIFFIN:  Hello Mr. and Mrs. Corinthos.  Hey, why does he look so familiar?  It's like deja vu or something.
      SONNY:  I'm the guy you saw in the chapel.   Nice job pretending not to be a doctor, by the way.
      GRIFFIN:  I never said I WASN'T a doctor.   I'm the new neurosurgeon.  A buddy from med school told me there was an an opening here.  A guy named Lucas Jones.
      CARLY:  Lucas Jones as in my brother?   Sweet!
      SONNY:  Let's see how good he is at doctoring first, Carly.


      METROCOURT RESTAURANT

     HAYDEN:  Check out this ring!   Nikolas and I got married by The Burger King at a fake Vegas castle.  Isn't that the awesomesauce?
     TRACY:  Nice rock for something that didn't come out of a Cracker Jack box.
     HAYDEN:  Well, there's just the matter of the prenup...
     TRACY:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?   You signed A PRENUP????   I could bop you upside the head with a 2 X 4 right now!
      HAYDEN:  I guess it's a good thing we're not at a Home Depot right now.   Relax, Tracy.   I've got some serious leverage over Prince Nikolas.
      TRACY:  And that leverage would be what?   Pictures of him dressed as Queen Guinevere of Camelot?
      HAYDEN:  Even better.
      TRACY:  Spill it, RACHEL
      HAYDEN:  A good magician never reveals her secret.  
      TRACY:  Um...I hope...Nikolas...
      HAYDEN:  Tracy, are you having a stroke?



       OUTSIDE JULIAN'S OFFICE

       JULIAN:  Come on, Alexis!  Just because I looked at some pictures of Olivia's boobs doesn't mean I prefer looking at her boobs to looking at yours.   Your boobs are my favorite boobs EVER!
       ALEXIS:  So you love me just for my girls?
       JULIAN:  Well, Sam's my favorite since she's my daughter and all, but Molly and Kristina are alright too.
       ALEXIS:  You're lucky I don't have a 2 X 4 on me right now.

 
       JULIAN'S OFFICE

       NINA:  OMG, Olivia, these boob shots are amazing!   Leo is SOOOOOO cute and I want one just like him.   Can you Xerox him and give a copy to me and Franco?
       OLIVIA:  You're funny, Nina.  In an out-there sort of way.   I'm glad my boobs helped you with your magazine.
     
     
       THE FLOATING RIB

      DILLON:  These pictures are not just about your beauty, Maxie.  They are a window into your soul.
      MAXIE:  That's really...poetic.
      NATHAN:  I really could use a 2 X 4 right now.  


       HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM

      GRIFFIN:  So, Mr. Corinthos, Sonny, whatever you want me to call you, your chart says you were shot.  Is that correct.
       SONNY:  Yeah, that's right, doc.  Welcome to Port Chuckles.  If you haven't been shot at least once, you haven't been living in this town long enough. 
       GRIFFIN:  I'll keep that in mind.  So how's PT coming?
       SONNY:  Piph's been working me hard, doc.  My upper body is in the best shape it's been all my life.
       GRIFFIN:  And your lower body?
       SONNY:  I had a feeling once in my leg region.
       CARLY:  This has all been fun, but I've gotta go clean up a mess at the MetroCourt.  Nice looking at--I mean meeting--you, Dr. Munro.
       GRIFFIN: A feeling in your leg region my ass!  You can STAND, can't you?