It never fails!

Screencap from Lisa's GH Screencaps

No Fair!

Screencap from Lisa's GH Screencaps

Daddy!

Screencap from Lisa's GH Screencaps

Are you from the future?

 Screencap from Lisa's GH Screencaps. 

Black Friday at The General Hilarity Curiosity Shoppe

   I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving.   After the Q pizza has all been consumed and all that remains of the Webber/Drake/Morgan feast is the wishbone and assorted leftovers, many brave souls in The Chuckles head to retail establishments such as Wyndhams, fighting the crowds and armed with emergency pepper spray, tasers, and, if you're Nina Clay, hotel lamps, in case a riot breaks out, for Black Friday.   Here at the totally bogus General Hilarity Curiosity Shoppe, we sell everything you would need to associate with the likes of Spencers, Cassadines, Quartermaines, Corinthoses, Westbournes, Falconeris, and Jeromes:   

  Groceries

  Olivia's Cannolis: No Italian-American grandmother should be without them.  Cost: A cute baby to hug and kiss

  BLT:  Heather Webber's diet staple.  Cost:  Your sanity

  BLT Omelet:  Heather suggested this new menu item to Shawn while in captivity in Sonny's warehouse.  Cost: The lives of a few more pigs in The Chuckles

  Spaetzel: Dr. Obrecht brought this to Thanksgiving Dinner at Wyndemere.  Cost: One peek at Cesaaah

  Quartermaine Thanksgiving Pizza:  It happens every year, without fail.  Cost:  The traditional Thanksgiving dinner. 

  Franco's Invisible Popcorn:  Who cares if you can't see it.  It's delicious!   Cost: Carly's relationship with Michael.

  Lulu's Ginormous Plate O' Spaghetti:  It's bottomless!  Cost:  Your (but not Dante's or Lulu's) waistline

  Kelly's Milkshakes:  Now featuring corn flavor!   Cost: 4 hungry 9-year-olds. 

  Josslyn's Corn on the Cob:  The corn girl must be fed her maize!   Cost: A well-balanced diet and an advanced palate.

  Cassadine Feta: Greek by way of Russia, so don't be surprised if it tastes vaguely like sour cream.  Cost:  A Faberge egg or two

  Possibly Awful Waffles:  They don't necessarily get Dr. Britt Westbourne's seal of approval.  Cost:  The risk you take if the actually do taste awful.

  Danny's Lollipops:  When Danny's good at his doctor's appointments, he gets one.  Cost: A small amount of your blood.

  Noodle Buddha's Lo Mein w/ Fortune Cookies:  Sam & Patrick's aphrodesiac of choice.  Cost:  Hefty out-of-town delivery fee. 

  Dr. Obrecht's NutriGruel:  Extremely unappetizing-looking hospital fare that is the brainchild of sociopathic Chief of Staff Leisl Obrecht.  Cost:  At least one barf bag

  Tracy's Space Cake, now with higher-grade weed:  They're always upping their pot game in Amsterdam.  Cost:  Your sobriety and quite possibly your dignity, should something untoward transpire after consumption.
 
  Electronics

  Evil Eye Spycam Necklace:  It's one ugly piece of jewelry, but if your main squeeze has been a-cheatin' and you need the proof, there's nothing better.   Cost:  Your relationship with the recipient once he or she discovers the espionage component. 

  Tablet of Truth:  Get your latest Port Chuckles news, plus so much more on the device that proves you live in the 21st century.  Cost:  Your old-school newspaper.  

  Nina's Cockadoody Cell Phone:   She may have been in a 23-year coma, but she caught onto the texting phenomenon very quickly.  Cost:  Nina & her mother know your dirty little secret.

  Invisible Personal Teleportation Unit:  How else can you get from Wyndemere to Kelly's to the Q Mansion in 5 seconds flat.  Cost:  You might get sucked into a black hole and not appear in The Chuckles for months or years at a time.  We think this might have happened to poor little Aiden Webber.  Either that or he's in the Witness Protection Program:  Kiddie Division.

  Villainry & Such

   Needles of Badness #1 and #2:  Number 1 paralyzes the mother of the baby you want to claim as your own and Number 2 induces labor.  Cost:  Escape trip to Canada with one-time serial killer

   Bad Bad Premature-Labor Pills:  If you suspect someone caused the premature birth of your baby and said someone happens to be pregnant, this works in a similar manner to Needle of Badness #2  Cost:  The wrath of the recipient and your job if you get found out.  
    Weaponized Antler Decor for Inducing Repentance:  Relative, such as mother, put you in a coma for over two decades?   The deer antlers intimidate the object of your wrath into repenting.  Cost:  Any shred of your remaining sanity.

   Weaponized Vase for Lurking Behind Walls:  You're in hiding and you'll clock anyone who reveals your location.  Cost:  Possible assault charges and a trip to the loony bin

   Weaponized Hotel Lamp "Mr. Lamp" for Knocking Out Uncooperative Mothers:  Works on fathers, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, fiances, as well.   Cost:  Your partner in crime, possible assault/attempted murder charges and an extra-tight straitjacket. 

    Helena's Trusty Dagger:   When throat-slitting is your M.O., the dagger is the way to go.  Cost:  Faked death and cryogenic preservation.   Not like the cold ever bothered her anyway.  

    Faison's Cigarillos:  Tiny little smokes for the dastardly Danish demon.  Cost:  Your lungs

    Franco's Incriminating Sonny & Carly Sex Tape on DVD in HD with Dolby Digital Surround Sound.  Cost:  You can't unsee it!   Or unhear it!

     Heather's Needle of LSD Badness:  What doesn't kill you makes you psychic.  Cost:  Terrifying hallucinations and being condescendingly dismissed as having "one of your visions". 


   
  Books

   Weaponizing Household Objects by Nina Clay.  Includes a chapter on Pharmaceutical Names for Your New Baby Who's Not Really Yours.  Cost:  Extradition from your home country. 

   Safecracking for Dummies by Samantha Morgan.  Includes a chapter on silly putty.   Cost:  An insult from the sharp-tongued Tracy Quartermaine & a picture of Cesar Faison. 
  
  Cassadine Bedtime Stories by Helena and Stavros Cassadine.  Includes a glossary of Helena's insults.  Cost: Nightmares! 

   My Kingdom for A BLT by Heather Webber.  Includes a chapter on food for art inspiration.  Cost:  Indigestion from BLT overconsumption.

   I'm Not Really A Drug Dealer (but I Can't Tell You That Yet) by Jordan Ashford.  Includes a chapter on concealing the results of DNA tests.   Cost:  Your only child's trust. 
 
  Medical Devices

  The Nina Chair:  The best wheelchair you'll never need.  Cost:  Your marriage. 

  The Needle of Non-Labor Goodness:  If someone should give you Bad Bad Premature Labor pills, this is the only antidote.  Cost:  Momentary discomfort at injection site. 
  

  Other Items

 Daily Subscription to the Port Charles ToddJulian Press:  Keep up with who did what to whom in The Chuckles in old-school paper format.  Cost:  Your ability to call yourself part of the 21st century. 

 Name Change Papers:  When your adoptive dad shoots your bio dad and your mom covered up the crime, it might be a time to change family allegiances.   Also, babies named after pharmaceuticals may eventually consider these.   Cost:  Your former name. 

 Nina's Revenge List:  Are you on it?  If so, BEWARE THE NINA!  Cost:  The risk of anxiety that your name is indeed on THE LIST. 

 Stavros & Lulu's Embryo-In-A-Thermos:  Helena Cassadine's current prized possession.   Cost:  Ability to pry it away from Madame Cassadine.  She may be an octogenarian, but do not underestimate her fierceness or her trusty dagger. 

 Franco's Tumor-In-A-Jar:  The best defense for past serial-killing.  Cost:  It ain't pretty to look at.

 Baby Zyrtec's Nomadic Existence Crib:  Poor Baby Zyrtec, with no place yet to call home.   Cost:  Confused, agitated baby.  
 

  
   
   
    
  
   
   
  

Turkey Lurkey Part II

 What would a GH Thanksgiving be without the Qs having pizza?   Alexis frees Original Recipe Luke from his straitjacket in time for him to pop in on some pie and bring a smile to Tracy and Lulu's faces.  Helena stops by to see Jake and only Jake, then teleports herself to Wyndemere to keep tabs on Faison.  Dr. Obrecht brings German cuisine to the Wyndemere turkey dinner and Carly visits Sonny in Pentonville.  Patrick, Sam, Liz, Jake, & assorted kiddies have their feast as Helena lurks outside.

 ALEXIS:  It's too late.  He's dead.   Or not.  Luke?  What did my deranged stepmother do to you?   Ugh, I'm going to need a chainsaw to get through this straitjacket.   Julian, would you mind disappearing?   Luke doesn't really like you that much.  I can take it from here.   Hello Qs.  I have someone who would like a slice of pizza. 

 PERSON WHO LOOKS LIKE LUKE:  I talked the Dragon Lady out of killing me.   I have a way with that one, as you well know.   I promise her some sexy time and all of the sudden she has a use for me.   Can you break the ties that bind me?   Ouch!   Take it easy, Natasha, will you?   Julian Jerome.  Is this the kind of company you're keeping these days, Natasha?   You need to up your game, sister.   Hey Jerome, was that YOU behind the mask?   When I get out of this contraption, you're a DEAD MAN!   What?   The Evil Twin shot Lucas?   Greetings, Quartermaines!   I'm hangry!   I could sure use a slice of pizza!

HELENA:  Happy Thanksgiving!  May I come in?   I'm a dear family friend who shall remain nameless.   Well, hello Jake.  How about we get to know each other a little better.  No need to bother Elizabeth.  She's busy in the kitchen.   Uh uh uh, Cesar!   Lurk, but don't touch.   You must not be seen by anyone.  Except me, of course.   We must stay on task.   You're speaking of Mr. Morgan?   I stopped by, but I couldn't stay long.   That insipid Elizabeth Webber would have seen me and I left my cloak of invisibility in Switzerland.   Well, if we are going to be cross, I shall find another place to lurk.  That Jason Morgan sure is handsome.

JAKE:  Hello, well-dressed lady with a vaguely familiar face.   Come in.  May I get you a drink?   Who are you by the way?   I'll go get Uhlizabeth so she can say hi.   Sorry, I don't remember you, but I don't remember much these days.  My own last name still eludes me.  I just go by Jake because it feels right.  I'll go get Uhlizabeth.  Hey, Uhlizabeth there's a lady who says she's an old family friend.  Well, she WAS here.  Where did she go?   No, I DID NOT HALLUCINATE HER!    She was yay tall, elegant, old.  No, she was not your grandmother.  Maybe she's mine, if I can remember what my grandmother looks like.   Maybe I can find her and show her to you.  She was a little odd.   She didn't want to give her name.   Maybe that's her.   No, that's the kid from the hospital's mom and the kid himself.   Hey kid.  Donny?   Oh, Danny.  I'll remember that.  I hope.   Come here and let me throw you in the air.  

LIZ:  Who's here to see me?   I don't see anyone.  Are you sure you didn't just DREAM she was here?   What was her name?  What did she look like?   Was she my Gram?   She was off?   In what way?   Oh, you didn't know Sam and Patrick were coming?   You met them at the hospital.   Danny really has a thing for you.  It's like he thinks you're his daddy or something.  

SAM:  Hi Michael.  I thought I'd bring this little guy over to get in touch with his Quartermaine side.   How ya holding up?   Well, take it easy.   I'm going to take Danny to see Monica.   Jake, you look like you've seen a ghost.  Hi Liz.  Patrick is getting the kiddos out of the car.   Danny, do you want to go play with the funny guy?   Jake, I don't know what it is about you, but my son is your number one fan.   Is it because you look like my dead husband, my son's daddy? 

DANNY:  I love big houses.  Where's the pizza, Mommy!   I want pizza!   Daddy!   You're so funny, Daddy.  Is there pizza here?   I don't want a turkey.  I WANT PIZZA!!! 

SPENCER:  Who goes there?   Hi lady.  Who are you again?   Are you married to Beetlejuice?   What is spretzel?   Hey hey!  What do we pay the help for?   Is this your mom, Britt?   Nathan!   My fellow lovelorn bachelor.   How are things with you and Maxie?   I feel your pain, my friend.  I feel your pain.  We can't go eat the turkey and pretzels until I get my pilgrim hat.  Pilgrims with bare heads go to the stockade.  

OBRECHT:  Hello, child!   I come bearing spaetzel.   It is ausentic German delicacy for your so-called Turkey Day.   Your Beetlejuice is my beloved Cesaaah!   Zat horrible Anna Devane imprisoned my Cesaaah in a hole in ze ground.  She must go to jail for zis!   Hello, Britta, prince.   Young child, vould you be so kind as to take my spaetzel to the kitchen.  And my coat also.   Britta, have you contacted Agent Sloane about your fozzer?   Here we are in ze warmth of ze indoors viss zis Turkey Day feast viss a German accent and your FOZZER is out in ze cold vandering around.  Ve must find him!  Nassan!  Have you found Nina and ze baby yet?  I am so happy to see you.  I brought spaetzel!    Cesaaah!  It is you! 

BRITT:  Hello, mother.   No, I haven't contacted Sloane yet.  Nathan!  Great to see you.   Thank you for coming.  When it comes to dealing with holidays with my mother, there is safety in numbers.  Come, mother!  

NATHAN:  Happy Thanksgiving everybody.  No, unfortunately I haven't found Nina, but I won't stop looking until I've found her.   Hi Britt, Nikolas.  Spencer, my man!  What's up?   No, buddy, I still haven't found a way for Maxie and me to be together. 

FAISON:  Helena, what yous doing here?   I thought yous looking after Jason Morgan.  Yous mean yous didn't complete yous assignment?   Yous better leave now sos little Spencer or Nikolas don't see yous.  Leisl!  

SONNY:  You know, jail is jail.  I'm getting used to the routine here, making some friends.   I've lost Michael, Carly.  Nothing, not even P-ville can get worse than losing him.  He's changing his name?   It's his life.  He can do what he wants.   I can't claim any part of him as my own anymore.   Carly, you should go home, spend Thanksgiving with your family.   No one can butter Josslyn's corn on the cob quite like you. 

CARLY:  Hello, Sonny.  I came here because I didn't want you to be alone on Thanksgiving.  I tried to talk to Michael but he threw me out of the house.  I hate to tell you this, but he's getting his name legally changed to Quartermaine.  Sonny, I miss you so much!   When you're eating your prison turkey, think of me. 

 MONICA:  I'm sorry to say that there will be no Thanksgiving turkey for us again this year.  Cook II got food poisoning and we don't know what part of the meal made her sick.  It looks like the Quartermaine Thanksgiving pizza tradition lives on.   Shall we sing our Q Thanksgiving anthem? 

 ALICE:  It's inevitable.  I don't even have to call anymore.  

 LARRY ASHTON:  I need me some hair of the dog.  I'm so bloody hung over.  Michael, young whippersnapper, where's your Kiki Bird?   And, Neddy, where's your clever lawyer lady?  

 NED:  Father, Alexis had some business to take care of.  She may be by later for dessert.  

 MICHAEL:   Danny!  How's it going, buddy?   Hi Sam. Yeah, I've seen better days, but I'm home here, where I belong.   The Quartermaine mansion.   Besides, I prefer pizza to turkey anyway.  Thanks for stopping by, Sam.   Not that it's any of your business, Mr. Ashton, but Kiki and I are no more.   Sorry, guys, as much as I love Quartermaine family traditions, I'm not all that hungry. 

TRACY:  Luke? 

LULU:  Daddy? 

Turkey Lurkey: Part I

  It's Thanksgiving morning in The Chuckles (my how time flies after Halloween lasted two weeks!).   Visitors are the theme of the day:  Patrick visits Sam.  Agent Sloane visits Anna.  Helena visits Luke and Carly visits Michael.   Jake has been visiting Liz for the past month or so.  Sonny visits Duke and issues him a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card

  LUKE:  Has Evil Twin been injecting me with Heather Webber's LSD again because I'm seeing dead people.  Namely, Helena Cassadine.  I know she's dead because I killed her myself.   Wait a minute.  The Dragon Lady touched my cheek.  SHE'S ALIVE!   HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?   Hey, Queen of Darkness, as much as I'd love to smack a big one on ya, how do I know that you're not Faison in touch with his feminine side?   I mean, you're a whole lot prettier than the cigarillo-loving Danish terrorist, but one never can be too sure.   Speaking of disguises, who sent you here?  My satanic stunt double?   Who the hell is he anyway?   Lord Larry Ashton?  Jerry Jacks?  Faison?  Your freeze-dried hubby Mikkos?   Oh, Queen of the Defrosted Damned, you're no fun!   Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with knives?

 HELENA:  Good morning, my love!  'Tis I, your beloved Slavic sex toy.  You're looking rather frigid lately.  Allow me to warm you up.  Poor, LSD-addled Luke!  You are still under the impression that I am a hallucination!   I am as alive as you are, Luke.  You may think you killed me, but have you forgotten that we Cassadines have a unique insurance policy:  You unfreeze me and I'll unfreeze you.   It's part of our special bond, at least among the worthy Cassadines.  My dear departed brother-in-law Victor ensured that your bullet would not be the end of me.   You should know you can't kill me that easily.  My cat-like reflexes have given me nine lives.  As for you, you have been a very, very bad boy, Luke, in trying to escape.  My esteemed colleague who bears your likeness informed me of your ingenious, yet ultimately unsuccessful Houdini act and it pains me to have to be the one to eliminate unnecessary Luke Spencers.   Why hello, Natasha!   Rumors of my demise were greatly exaggerated and I have a peculiar appetite for throat-slitting of late.   Who is this handsome paramour of yours?  Darling gentleman, I would like you better if you removed your shirt.   Until the next time I feel like torturing you my dear Natasha.  Give my regards to your lovely, lovely girls.

 JAKE:  No, Go Away, No, Quartermaines, Corinthoses, Morgans, Who. Am. I. No. AAAGGGH!  Sorry Uhlizabeth.   Didn't mean to break your wrist or anything, but I have an old cast you can borrow.  Oh yeah, Thanksgiving.  That's when you color eggs and hide them...no, you light fireworks and wave the American flag...no, there's a tree involved and a fat guy in a red suit.  Oh, yeah, Turkey Day.  What if, in my previous life, I was a vegetarian?  Just kidding!   Hey, this is the only shirt I've got, so I guess I am wearing it to this big Thanksgiving feast with people I barely know.   You didn't have to give me a present.  It's not that holiday yet.   Well, I guess we can pretend it's my birthday.   Hey, Uhlizabeth, there's a rich old lady at the door that I think I might have seen, but she could be a total stranger.

LIZ:  Don't worry, Jake.  You were just having a bad dream.  My wrist will be fine.  Happy Thanksgiving!  You do know what Thanksgiving is, right?   Jake, Jake, Jake, you don't have to wear that nondescript gray shirt to Thanksgiving dinner now.  Open this?   Do you like it?   You hate it?   Please take this.  When's your birthday?   Hi Patrick?   Two more?  Great, the more the merrier.   Let me go tend to the turkey.

SAM:  Are you sure you can't spend Thanksgiving with us, Mom?   We'll miss you.   Hi Patrick.  I've been racking my brain about this mask thing and I still don't have a clue.   What am I doing?  Danny and I are just hanging out here, I guess.  Mom's got an emergency with a client.  Molly's off spending the holiday with TJ and Lucas, I think he might have forgotten that we're brother and sister.   Julian?  He's got a bit of a jail problem at the moment.   No, don't call Elizabeth.  I don't want to impose on her.   Fine, I'll go but I'm bringing some wine because I might need it if I see that deja vu guy again.

PATRICK:  Happy Turkey Day, Sam, even though I'm secretly Canadian and we celebrated Thanksgiving last month.   What's the latest on Project Save Luke's Ass?   Do you think your mob-connected dad would be able to help us?   You're not spending Thanksgiving alone.  You're coming with me to Elizabeth's and I won't take no for an answer.  Hey, Elizabeth, room for two more?  As in Sam & Danny?   It's done.  You're coming with me.

ALEXIS:  Anna, can you release Julian from lockup?   It's not like you've, I don't know, actually ARRESTED him yet!    Thanks.   Yes, Julian, I got you sprung, but I did it for Luke.   I want to see if your absurd Two Lukes story checks out.   What's he doing at Miscavige?   I thought he was rescued?   Oh, crap, it's my evil stepmother!   Yes, those do exist in real life and this woman is living proof, even if I thought she was dead.   What do you want, Helena?   Slit throats, so last century.  Ever thought of updating your threats?  Oh. My. God. What has that high-fashion witch done to Luke?

JULIAN:  Thanks for busting me out, Alexis.  Let's go visit The Real Luke.   You see, Alexis, Real Luke never left Miscavige.  When he was rescued, it wasn't really him.  It was my boss.  We're here to see Luke Spencer.  Would you mind getting lost for a bit.  Take a break.  Who the hell is this woman?   She's elegant and well-dressed but has a nefarious look about her.   Is this my sister in about forty years?   Hey, chill out Future Ava!   And stop playing with knives!

ANNA:  Alexis, why, pray tell, do you want to help Julian Jerome?   I hope he's worth it to you.  Personally, I can't stand the guy but I guess I don't have anything to arrest him on.   You again, Agent Sloane?  Don't you get tired of asking me where Faison is and what I did with him.   If he escaped, you'd best be out finding him and not here playing the blame game.   In case you haven't noticed, I'm a little busy.  I have two lunatics on the run with a missing baby, said baby's mother who is a fugitive from the law, and now an international terrorist on the loose.   So say your piece and get on with it.

AGENT SLOANE:  Commissioner Devane, just because Cesar Faison isn't where you said he was doesn't mean you're off the hook.  You are going down for taking the law into your own hands.   Enjoy the holidays from Pentonville.  I hear Sonny Corinthos is looking for someone to share some Prison Issue turkey and mashed potatoes.

SONNY:  Duke, my man, Carly's not the only one I cut a deal for.  I asked them to send you home too.  You've had my back and the only one going down for this is me.   I'm going to have to ask you a favor, though.  Will you run my business for me?   I've worked hard to gain control of Port Chuckles and I'm not about to let Julian Jerome get the drop on me while I'm doing hard time.  You hate Jerome as much as I and I trust you.  I know it will put you at odds with Anna again, but will you do this for me, Duke?  Prison Bromance was fun, but Shawn's the muscle of the organization and he doesn't have the time to be the brains too.

DUKE:  Sonny, are you sure you are willing to trade Carly's freedom for yours?  Diane could have worked her Diane Magic in court to get you off.   Me?  But hanging out in P-Ville with you has been so much fun!   You want me to run your business?   What about Shawn?   Don't worry about Anna.  She's not that into me anymore since I kept my word to you.  I think she's a wee bit jealous.   I'll do it, Sonny.  I'll run your business and bring down the Jeromes once and for all!

 CARLY:  Happy Thanksgiving, Favorite Son Who Hates Me.   I know you're still pissed-as-you've-ever-been at me, but you have to hear me out, Michael.  I didn't know that Sonny was going to sacrifice himself for me and I was fully prepared to face what I did.   Of course I know it was wrong, but I'd do it again, not only to protect Sonny but to protect YOU!   Be pissed at me, you have the right to, but don't go changing your name over it. You are Sonny's son.  Jason was the one who named you Michael Corinthos.  Jason was my bestest friend in the whole wide world.   Fine, sign those papers, but it will make you a Quartermaine in name only.  You are still Michael Corinthos, Sonny's son and you always will be.

MICHAEL:  Mom--I mean Carly, you are DEAD TO ME, remember?  If you want to visit the Quartermaine household for Thanksgiving, try the crypt.   Besides, I thought you were going to the Pen with DEAD TO ME Sonny.   So you just got away with protecting the Big Cheese of the Port Chuckles Mafia.  That Big Cheese screwed your son--your EX-SON over by killing his biological father.  His REAL FATHER!   AJ made mistakes, but he never got a chance to raise me because you and Sonny STOLE ME FROM HIM!   All you do is lie and cheat and use people, CARLY!   You even took advantage of my grandmother's grief to cover your sorry ass.   Just watch me sign those name change papers.  SEE!   I AM QUARTERMAINE, HEAR ME ROAR!   Now GET OUTTA HERE!!!  NO THANKSGIVING PIZZA FOR YOU!!!

Copywright Infringement

Screencap courtesy of General Hospital Snark

Where be Faison?

Screencap Courtesy of General Hospital Snark

Generally Confused

Just who is this faux Luke?   Is it Larry Ashton?  Is it Faison?  Is it this guy Julian was talking about?  

 LUKE:  So, Evil Twin--can I call you E.T.?--who the hell are you anyway?   You certainly ain't me.   Are you that bozo Larry Ashton that you claim you and Jerry Jacks sent to Tracy instead of me?   Come on, E.T. everyone knows that plastic surgery is rampant in The Chuckles.   Hell, my own son looked like this one kid, was captured by Helena, then came back looking completely different.   He turned into another guy a few years later, and then back into an older version of the kid who was captured?  My daughter's had a couple of faces as well.   Helena herself looked like Elizabeth Taylor eons ago and now she's thinner, blonde, and about four inches taller!   There's also the high-tech mask route that Faison used to pretend he was Duke.  He even fooled Anna!    So tell me, ET, are you Ashton or what?   Son of a bitch!  He locked me in the padded cell and took off again.   DAMMIT!  

EVIL TWIN (Can't do "Fluke" because it reminds me of a nauseating GH pairing from the early 2000s):   Not so fast, Spencer!   I gotta gun and you...don't.   Though I must say you're a lot more lucid than the last time I saw you.  Who am I?  I'm you!   I've .living La Vida Luke.   I had to disappear for awhile and your wife started getting antsy so Jerry and I played a little trick on her and sent her "her husband" for ELQ shares.   We just didn't specify WHICH ONE!   Isn't that hilarious?   We sent "Lord" Larry Ashton instead.   Me?  Ashton?  Surely you jest!   I look like YOU, or is your eyesight failing you?   A mask?   Now that's gonna give Jerry and me a lot of laughs.    Sorry, gotta go.  You're gonna hang out here or Original Recipe Luke is going BANG BANG. 

 TRACY:   OMG, what's TAKING PATRICK AND SAM SO LONG!    Come on, Sam, I could crack open a safe faster than you.   WHERE IS LUKE???   What does FAISON have to do with any of this?   Well, plug your damn phone into the computer and let's see what's on the flash drive!   Is that a mask?   Of LUKE?  

  LULU:   Sam, what does any of this have to do with my father?   OMG, it's a blueprint for a mask!   Who are they making a mask of?   It's just a blue head.   So Larry Ashton wants to join the Blue Man Group? 

  PATRICK:  We got there in time to get into the safe deposit box and open it, but there was a lockbox inside.  Then Larry showed up and we had to go hide behind a wall.   When he left, we went back in.  

  SAM:  I couldn't get the lock box open before Larry came.  Tracy, could you hold your tongue for TWO SECONDS and let me explain?  Once Larry left, we went back in and found a picture of Faison in the lockbox and a flash drive.   I copied the drive onto my phone.  (connects phone to laptop) Here goes.  

  MOLLY:  Hi TJ.  What's wrong?   OMG, really?   So is Shawn your father?   Hey, TJ, your dad was a good guy.  I know it's hard when people are saying that he did bad things.  That happened with my dad too, remember.   But your dad wasn't himself when he attacked Shawn.   Remember him for the great dad he was.   Hi Shawn.   I guess you can come in.   TJ, go with Shawn.  I have to study-slash-re-read my dad's letter.  I love you.   

 TJ:  Molly, thank God you're home.  I need a shoulder to cry on.   Ok, that's out of my system.  My mom cheated on my dad with Shawn.  No, I'm not Shawn's kid.  Mom had a DNA test done.   But when Dad found out what Shawn did, he attacked him and Shawn had to shoot him to defend himself and that's when Dad died.  It wasn't about a tragic accident.  Dad didn't die a hero.  He died because he went all psycho and flew into a jealous rage.  Mom and Shawn DESTROYED my memory of my dad just to ease their consciences.   I can't even look Shawn in the eye now because he ruined my Dad's life before he killed him.   Shawn?   Sorry Shawn.  Molly and I were going to hang out.   Fine, Shawn.  Let's go.

SHAWN:  Still haven't found Ava's baby.  Look, Jordan, we did what we had to do.  TJ will come around.   He's a strong kid.   Maybe if I talk to him a little, I can get things back on track and make it easier for you.   Molly?   May I come in.   TJ, I know you're still pissed at me.  Can we go somewhere and talk about it?   Thanks, Molly, for having my back.  

 JORDAN:  I know Ava killed Connie Falconeri, whoever she was, but I could empathize with her as a woman.   She was scared for her life and her baby's.   Now, I think I've lost TJ FOREVER!   Bob?  What are you doing here?   Look, I know it's taking a long time to find Jerome's boss, but I got a little sidetracked.  Undercover work takes time, Bob.  Patience is a virtue.   Besides, I want to tell my son that I'm not really a drug dealer.  

 BOB:  We'd better hide because if someone sees you, you're toast.   What's taking so damn long?   You've had MONTHS to figure out who Jerome's boss is.   There's a guy in Witness Protection who is waiting for this to be resolved so he can come home.  

 ANNA:   What do you mean, Faison's not down there?  He HAS TO BE!   How could he have escaped.  When I last saw him a year ago...LET GO OF ME OBRECHT!   (Catching her breath)  There was a stable hand who was reporting to Robert on Faison.  Ask him.   Stable hand guy, why have you been filing false reports on Faison to Robert?  

 OBRECHT:   HE IS NOT ZERE!  ICH ZEITGEIST LIEBFRAUMILCH BUNDCHEN!   I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ANNA DEVANE!   A YEAR AGO?   A WHOLE YEAR!  (lunges toward Anna and puts her hands around Anna's neck)   ICH TANNENBAUM VERKLEMPT HEFEWEISEN!  

 AGENT SLOANE:  So where IS Faison, Commissioner?   When did you last see him?   May we speak to this stable hand?   We're not finished, Anna.   

 STABLE HAND:  Yes, I've been filing false reports to Robert.  For the past year.   What's it to you?  By the way, German lady, what does Ich Var Eine Berliner really mean? 

 NIKOLAS:  I had a stable hand who was helping hide Faison?  Why wasn't I informed of this?

 JULIAN:  Okay, Alexis, here's the story:  When I was in the Witness Protection Program, I met this guy Peter somethingorother.  But that wasn't his real name.   It turns out he looks just like a guy in The Chuckles.  This guy wanted to help me rebuild the Jerome name and for that, we had to take this town away from Sonny.   The guy's a dead ringer for Luke Spencer, so he just assumed Luke's identity and made sure Luke was stashed away in an undisclosed location.  That ersatz Luke is my boss.  He ordered the hit on Lucas when I tried to cut my ties and go legit.   So I had to go back into the mob or he would keep going after my family.  He needed a fall guy and so we set up Ric.   I had no choice.  It was either find a fall guy or watch him off my family one by one.   Please, Alexis!  I was backed into a corner here.   If you let me out of the clink, I'll take you right to my boss. 

 ALEXIS:  Slow down, Julian.  So there are two Lukes.   How did this "friend" of yours happen to look like Luke?   If he's not Luke, then WHO IS HE?   WHAT?  YOU SET RIC UP?   YOU TOOK MOLLY'S FATHER WAY FROM HIM????   Maybe you didn't have him killed directly but would it have been any better if he had been left to rot in jail for a crime he didn't commit?  You FRAMED AN INNOCENT MAN, JULIAN!   Don't you DARE use my family as an excuse.  There is ALWAYS A CHOICE.    So if I get the charges dropped, you will show me this imitation, genetically altered Luke?  

 FAISON:  (smoking his cigarillo)  I's ALIIIIVE!!!!  And I's not in no hole in Wyndemere.   




 

Lock and Key

Patrick and Sam pretend to be hitched to break into Larry Ashton's safe deposit box.   Spencer and Emma play hooky and take a field trip to the Wyndemere stables.   Luke (the real one) breaks free of his straitjacket and his padded cell only to find his dangerous doppelganger on the other side of the door.  Anna leads Obrecht and Sloane to where she has been hiding Faison only to find the hiding spot empty.  Lulu can't destract Larry long enough to keep him from going to the bank.   Julian tries to explain the two Lukes to Alexis. 

PATRICK:  Hello, bank lady.  We need to get into our safe deposit box.  You see, we just got married and we're getting ready to buy a new house and stuff.   ID?   Check it out.   Leave it to Ashton to have a lock box inside his safe deposit box.  Can you crack it open?  Stupid question.  You're gonna have to hurry up.  Lulu texted that Ashton's on his way.   And, he's here.   Hey, don't call my wife a morsel!   Coast is clear.   Let's go back in and see if he left any bread crumbs behind.  Oh, a picture of Faison?   What's up with that?   Never thought Faison was his type. 

SAM:  Okay, here's the safe deposit box.  Voila!  It's open.  Behold the power of SILLY PUTTY!   Looks like I have another safe to crack.   Hey, do I ask you to hurry up during brain surgery?   Safe cracking takes time and patience.  Now where's my SILLY PUTTY?   Ugh, gotta put it back and run.  Ashton's here.   Quick, hide!  Do you think he'll notice I messed with his lockbox?    Faison?  What does he want with Faison? 

LUKE:  Aaaah, see, I swallowed your Evil Pill!   (spits it out after guard leaves).   Works every time!  Luke Spencer, we are getting out of here today!   Now why do I keep having flashbacks to my evil twin?   I didn't know I had an evil twin.  Must. Bust. Out. Of. Straitjacket.   Pull!  Pull!  Tug!  Tug!   Throw self against padded wall!   Repeat!   AAAGGGGHHH!  It's off!   Now for the door.   At least that instrument of torture can be good for something.  Belt buckle...RRRRIP!   Jimmy the lock open, Spencer, like you've done many times before.  Got it!   DAMMIT!  THERE'S THAT EVIL TWIN AGAIN!

 LULU:  Freeze, boozebag!   You are not going anywhere until you answer questions about my father.  You say you don't know him?  I say you're lying.  Dad has lots of aliases.  Dr. Von Scheemerman ring a bell?   Here, here's a picture of him.  Does he look familiar?   You've seen him? WHERE?   In a picture in Tracy's bedroom, okay, is that the ONLY PLACE YOU'VE SEEN HIM?  Wait!  Wait!   Crap!   Patrick, Sam, I did everything I could but he's on his way.   Tracy, Larry Ashton isn't going to the dentist.   I'm surprised he knows what one is!   He's going to his safe deposit box.  Patrick and Sam overheard him talking to Jerry on the phone about some "Luke Spencer problem"  They think they can find answers in his safe deposit box and I was supposed to stall him long enough for them to get what they need.   I'd love to believe my father is an innocent victim in all of this, but is there a chance he's working with Jerry?  

 LORD ASHTON:   Lola?  What are you doing here?   You'll have to excuse me.  I have a dental appointment to go to.  Your father?   No, I don't know a Luke Spencer.   I've never met him before.  Hmmm, he does look a bit familiar.  I saw him in a photograph on Tracy's nightstand.   Why not, you're not living here.  You've been evicted, remember?   That's the only place I've seen this Luke character.   Now if you will excuse me, the dental chair awaits.  All those modern dental gizmos are so fascinating!   What do we have here?   That Patrick fellow again and his very lovely friend!   Please, introduce me to this delicious morsel!   Safe deposit box open.  Lock box open.  It's all there! 

TRACY:  Lulu, what brings you here?   This souse doesn't know Luke!  He had left before Luke came back to town.   So you have seen my current husband, ex-husband?   WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM YOU PERVERT?   It will BE my room again someday.  Monica can't keep me away forever.   Lulu, why don't you want him to see the dentist?   They overheard him talking to Jerry?  What did he say?  Uh oh!  Maybe Luke is outliving his usefulness to Jerry.  Lulu, your father is not perfect, but he would NEVER be involved with a psycho like Jerry Jacks!   He IS a victim here.  I know him better than anyone.  

ANNA:  Faison is alive.  About a year ago, Robert and I were at Wyndemere in the stables.  We had been reunited with our daughter, but we had to make sure Faison would never terrorize our family again.   Oh, I wanted to kill him!   I wanted to squeeze the life out of him!   But in the end, I just couldn't stoop to murder.  He is alive and he's on Spoon Island.  I will prove it to you if you come with me.   He is under here.   He has been given food and water to ensure his survival.   What?  How did he escape?  

OBRECHT:  Don't listen to her!   SHE KILLED MY CESAAAH!   SHE KILLED HIM!   She is just trying to escape ze chahges!   If you didn't kill him, VERE IS HE?  I VANT TO SEE HIM NOW!   Hello, Britta.   Come!   You must bear witness to your FOZZER'S RESCUE!  CESAAAAH!   AAH YOU IN ZERE?  CESAAAH, ANSWER ME!  HE IS NOT ZERE!  ZE HOLE IS EMPTY!   VERE IS HE ANNA DEVANE?   VERE IS MY CESAAAAH????

AGENT SLOANE:  What do you mean, Cesar Faison is alive?   He is not at Steinmaur or any of the other supermaxes.   I fail to see how you wanting to kill him makes you innocent.   Show me the proof, Commissioner Devane.   He is under there?   How can he survive under there?   He's not there. 

NIKOLAS:  Spencer, Emma, why are you not in school?   Nice try, but the attendance office thinks otherwise.   Emma, your punishment is up to your father.   Come on, kids.  You're coming back to school.   Britt, I just don't get Spencer these days.  He's never been this BAD before.   Is there a bad influence in his class?   I just lectured him about honesty and he pulls this on me.   Commissioner, what are you doing here?  

BRITT:  The gastroenterologist?   Spencer, where did you come up with that?   Oh, Nikolas, Spencer's a boy.   He does boy things, but he has a good heart.    Mother, I told you I would cooperate, what else do you want me to do?   Oh my god, where is my father? 

SPENCER:  I had to get you away from that TOWNIE, Cameron.   You're not a townie.   Aunt Elizabeth is a nurse and your dad's a BRAIN SURGEON!   Remember the night of my dad and Britt's engagement party when you broke my heart?   I came in these stables to hide from my pain and I saw someone talking to Luke Spencer.   Josslyn?   There's nothing between me and her.  She only has eyes for CORN!  Emma, don't you believe in LOVE?    Dad?  Britt?   What are you doing here?   School was only a half day today.   We have to go BACK?   Aw! 

EMMA:  Spencer, we shouldn't be skipping school.  We'll get in trouble.   Well if Cameron's a townie than I'm a townie too, since we live in the same town.  We can't all be princes and princesses, you know.   Why are we in these stables again?   I have a boyfriend, Spencer, and you have a girlfriend.  Remember Corn Girl Josslyn?   Hi Mr. Cassadine.  I'm so sorry I skipped school.  Am I in trouble?  

ALEXIS:  Julian, you know I can't represent you and I can't be with you unless you tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  Julian, you're not making sense.  Either Luke is behind the Jerome organization or he isn't.  He can't be both.   There are two of him?   I don't think so.  I've been a good friend of his for a long time and I would know if he had an identical twin.   Someone is impersonating him?  But who? 

JULIAN:  Alexis, I am prepared to tell the truth about who I'm working for.  Nothing but the truth.  Is Luke behind it all?  He is...and he isn't.  You see, there is more of Luke than meets the eye.  He has a double.  There is someone impersonating him. 

Have Wifi, Will Travel

Pic from General Hospital Snark

They're after me, Silas!

Pic from General Hospital Snark

Next!

 
   Pic from General Hospital Snark

The Nina Whisperer

Who talks some sense and sanity into Nina?   Ironically it's her co-crazy Franco.  Whodathunkit?   Ava and Silas set off in search of Baby Zyrtec, Breakfast with the Qs includes a few special guest stars, none of which are Nik and Britt, who are breakfasting at Kelly's.  Patrick and Sam send Lulu off on a job babysitting Larry, Obrecht goes all Cheshire Cat when Agent Sloane shows up to serve Anna notice, and Julian gets some visitors in lockup. 

 FRANCO:  What do we have here in the ToddJulian Times?  Ava on the run?   Intriguing...  Oh, good morning Nina.  I'm hungry.  How 'bout you?   I could serve you up a piping hot, fresh-from-the-oven plate of REALITY for breakfast?  Isn't reality tasty?   I'm getting aromas of NACHO BABY and SILAS's sausage says that your marriage is OVER EASY.   The truth totally SUCKS, doesn't it?   I should know.  I was fed some CARLY bread that went all too well with SONNY'S PEPPERONI!   It's okay, Nina.  You'll be okay after the initial bout of indigestion.  Once it all gets out of your system, you'll feel just like new and I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU.   You know, 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO!   Was "Friends" before or after you went into that coma?   

NINA:   Franco, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?   I'm a MARRIED WOMAN!   If Silas finds out I'm SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER MAN, it will be OVER!   Look at Baby Zyrtec.  So peaceful.  This is MY BABY!   MY BEAUTIFUL 12 POUND PREEMIE BABY GIRL!   Stop it Franco.  Stop saying she's not my baby!   What's this nonsense?   Why does this newspaper say the baby belongs to Ava Jerome?  She's MY BABY, Franco!   MY BABY ZYRTEC!   Silas loves me and things are really good between us.  OMG, they're not!  Silas and I had a big fight!   Silas said my marriage is over!   OMG, I put a needle into Ava and I took her baby!  But I DESERVE THAT BABY!   My baby was RIPPED FROM MY WOMB because of that bitch!   If Silas and I had been strong enough, he would have been able to stop my mother from killing my BABY!   OMG, Franco!   If I don't have Silas and I don't have Baby Zyrtec, I don't have ANYONE!  I'm EMPTY!    I have you?  That's so sweet, Franco.  What are we going to do?  What are we going to do with the BABY?  

AVA:  (reading newspaper) I can't let Silas see this!  As far as he knows, I'm on the run from the mob.  As far as he knows, I didn't kill Connie and I'm not a fugitive from the law.   Silas!  Oh, I'm just worried about MY BABY!   She's out there with two crazies and she's only a 12-pound preemie!   Where could they be?  I don't know where to begin to look.   No, don't call Sam.  She's no fan of me and she's friends with Sonny.  She could tip off Sonny's goombas.  Besides, I hear she's out chasing fake Quartermaines.  Yeah, yeah, it takes one to know one.   No, YOU have to go with me to find the baby.   If you do, I'll name her after you.  How does Silasine sound?  Thank you, Silas.  I knew I could count on you. Let's go NOW! 

SILAS:  Ava, is something wrong?  Yes, I know you're worried about your baby.  I have an idea.  Let's call Sam.  She's a private investigator and she has the resources to locate Nina, Franco, and the baby.  Why don't you want to call Sam?   I don't know the first thing about being a P.I.   Yes, I want to find Nina and you want to find your baby.  Alright, I'll go with you.   When do you want to leave?

OLIVIA:  WHERE'S YOUR SISTER!    She KILLED MY COUSIN!   She shot and KILLED HER!   She did it to protect YOU!   Where did you stash AVA, Julian?   I know you had to have helped her escape!   WHAT?   SHE SHOT ME TOO?  And YOU KNEW?   Oh, Ned, I didn't know you had company.  Sorry for barging in on a Q family breakfast, but I was just talking to YOUR EX BOYFRIEND, Alexis.  He's in the clink.  The commish is holding him on suspicion of aiding and abetting.   Hi Mr Ashton.  Nice to meet you.  

JULIAN:  I swear, Olivia, I don't know where my sister is.   Despite the commish's suspicions, I did NOT help her escape the hospital.   Anna Devane and I have a long history and none of it is good.   She will arrest me if I look at her funny.  All I know is that Ava shot you.  I just found out from Commissioner Devane that she killed your cousin.   Yes, it was Ava who shot you.  Lucas!   Long time, no see.  It does a father good to see his son visit him in the slammer, even if said father is in the slammer unjustly.   Yeah, Anna Devane thinks I helped your aunt Ava skip town.   Or she just didn't like my shoes.   Alexis and I are through, son.  She has a problem with me not being upfront about who I'm working for.   I sure would like to tell her everything, but look what happened when I tried to leave the mob.  You got shot.   No, it wasn't Ric Lansing.   So how are you and Brad doing?    Good to hear.   Alexis!  Are you a sight for sore abs! 

LUCAS:   Hey, Julian--still getting used to the whole Dad thing.   I'm here to tell you that I believe you when you say you didn't help Ava escape.  It's wrong that the commish is holding you here.   Should I call Alexis for you?  Why?  What happened between the two of you?   You really had something good going.   Why don't you just tell her who your head honcho is?   I thought Ric Lansing shot me.   Brad and I are doing great.   Thanks for asking.  Look, I'm in your corner, Julian.  

ALEXIS:  Breakfast with the Quartermaines.  How can I refuse?   Nice to meet you, Mr. Ashton.   I assume he's not putting down roots of the dental sort.   What do you know, the Brit appreciates my wit!  I was Dobson.  It's a long story.  About 10 years ago...or was it 11...no, Kristina's, like 21 now...damn SORAS, confusing things...anyway, my daughter was a baby and I had killed a mobster guy so I lost custody of her.  Ned watched the baby with his girlfriend Skye and the only way I could see my daughter was to dress up as the butler.  That is how Dobson came about.  Olivia, what are you doing here?   Julian's in JAIL?   Thanks for breakfast.  Gotta go.   Hello, Julian. 

 NED:  Cancel your dental appointment, Pops!  Your chompers look just fine for someone from across the pond.   Sit down to a Q family breakfast with Mother, Alexis and me.   How many times do we have to tell you, Father, there is NO HOBSON!   Our housekeeper's name is Alice.  Olivia!  What brings you to the House of Q?  

LORD LARRY ASHTON:   Jerry, I have here in my hot little hand a key to the safe deposit box that contains our solution to the Luke Spencer problem.   As soon as the bank opens, I plan to retrieve it myself.   Hello, my lovely ex-wife!  This?   It's just a key to the liquor cabinet in the butler's pantry.   Always be able to get your hands on the booze, that's my motto.   If it isn't my son and his beautiful lady friend!   Hey, son, if you get tired of her, send her my way!   I must get going.  I have a dental appointment this morning.  Have to keep the sparkle in my smile!   Oh, this Alexis is keeper!   Alright, we'll sit down for some breakfast, but then I'll be on my merry way.   By the way, where is Hobson?  Dobson?   If her name is Alice, who is Hobson?   How about Dobson?   So, Alexis, you snuck around incognito and no Quartermaine was the wiser?   You would make a splendid partner in crime!   Who's this one?   Neddie, you've been busy!   Oh, the pleasure is all mine!    It's been fun, but I really must be going.  

TRACY:  So you've already found a DENTIST?   You must be putting down roots here.  Stay, ex-hubby and have a Q breakfast.  

PATRICK:  Thanks for meeting us here, Lulu.   Here's what we know so far.  Larry "The Lush" Ashton is indeed working with Jerry.  We overheard them talking on the phone about "the Luke Spencer problem"   The answers we are looking for are in a safe deposit box.   The bank doesn't open for an hour and we need to get there before he does. 

SAM:  We had a key made to the safe deposit box.  You won't believe how we were able to do that.  SILLY PUTTY!  I made an impression of the key with the putty and the locksmith was able to make a copy.   So your job is to distract the self-titled Lord Ashton while we go get the information from the safe deposit box.  

 LULU:  What's the latest and greatest on the search for my father?  So Larry Ashton is working with Jerry!   Silly putty!  Who would have guessed?   Wait a minute, if you both have a key, what if he gets there before you do?   Okay, I'll do it.  Anything to get answers about my father, even if they are not the answers I want.  

ANNA:  Liesl, what are you doing in my office!   Get out right now or I'll find a home for you downstairs!   Again with your Cesaaah!  Don't you ever get tired of this?   What do you mean I am going to prison?   Agent Sloane?   You can't tell me with a straight face that you take this sociopath's crazy ramblings seriously!   You might want to rethink that.   After all, how are you going to charge me for murder when Cesar Faison is alive?  

OBRECHT:   (Turning around in Anna's chair with a Cheshire Cat grin on her face)  Surprise!   I have some bad news for you, Commissioner Devane.   You aah headed to Pentonville.   Vy?   For murdering my Cesaaaah, of course!   It is not me who vill take you down.   I have help.  You killed him and you vill not get away viss it!   Agent Sloane, srow ze book at her! 

AGENT SLOANE:  I'm baaaaack!   I have something for you, my former mentor.   You acted outside the law in the murder of Cesar Faison and his daughter has decided to press charges.  Here is a subpoena.  Anna Devane, you've been served.  

NIKOLAS:  I have tried a lot of interesting food in my time, most of which heavily featured feta, but this is a first.  A BLT omelet.   Who came up with such a thing?   It's actually not half bad.  I could get hooked on those.   I'm guessing you ordered the Awful Waffles.   You haven't touched them.   What's eating you?  Yes, pun intended.   We Cassadines actually do have a sense of humor.  Okay, some of us do.   For the record, you made the right decision not pursuing charges against Anna Devane.   You changed your mind?   Sure, I support you, but I'm curious.  What made you change your mind?   Yes, I do know all about crazy families.  My grandmother and your father go way back.  

BRITT:   What's a BLT omelet?   Who puts lettuce in an omelet?   Spinach, yes.  But lettuce?  That's all kinds of CRAZY!   I'm fine.   Everything is fine.   Awful Waffles is just an ironic name.  Oh, I changed my mind.  I decided to help that Fed investigate what happened to my father.   He was an international terrorist, among other things, but he was my father.  You know how demented families work.  Case in point, your father Stavros.  Tell me, is he frozen or unfrozen now?   I keep losing track.   Anyway, I don't want to be always wondering what happened to him.   Besides, it's never a good idea to piss off my "mutter". 

Plea Bargain

Sonny falls on his sword to save Duke and Carly.   Shawn and Jordan finally tell TJ the truth (but is it the whole truth and nothing but the truth?), Ava's on the lam and she begs Silas to hide her, Michael can't stay away from Morgan, Kiki, and Sonny, and Sam gets creative with silly putty.

 DIANE:  Carly, can you keep the piehole sealed until I finish defending you?   Same with you, Sonny.   I will NOT have any courtroom shenanigans caused by mouthy clients.   Let ME be the one flapping my gums in court and MAYBE I can get you guys some bail.  Your honor, Mrs. Corinthos-Jacks is a local business owner and a mother of three...yes, two are grown men but the third is NINE YEARS OLD!  NO BAIL?  Surely you jest!   Sonny, what did I say about zipping it?  You need not talk to D.A. Baldwin!   Carly, it looks like your sweetheart sent himself up the river in exchange for YOUR freedom.   Ain't that sweet? 

 CARLY:  Ok, Diane.  I get it.  Not guilty.   No bail?  Who's going to watch JOSS?   My corn girl NEEDS ME!   Mom, I wish I never got involved with Franco and stayed away from Sonny.  You didn't get bail either, did you, Sonny?  At least we can keep each other company in P-ville.  What?  I'm going home?  You served your ass on a silver platter for me to go free?   But it's OUR MESS, Sonny!   I'm part of this too!   Oh, Sonny!   I'll MISS YOU!!! 

 SONNY:  Yes, I understand, Diane.   May I speak with Baldwin?   Here's the thing, Baldwin.   I offer myself, PEPPERONI AND ALL, to you in exchange for Carly's and Duke's freedom.   I know Duke and I had a little prison bromance going, but I decided that my pepperoni might be a little too spicy for a man of Duke's fine breeding.   I plead GUILTY!   Guess what, Carly!  You're going home to your corn girl and your Franco-free existence.   This is all on ME, Carly.   I was not going to drag you and Duke down with me. 

 SCOTT:  Hi Bobbie!   What's shaking?    OW, THAT HURT!   What makes you so slap-happy?   Still pissed at me for having Carly cuffed?   Serena, well that's different.   She didn't cover up a murder.   Yes, your honor, I would be okay with a low bail for Mrs. Jacks.   What's this about, Sonny?  Make it snappy, will ya?

 BOBBIE:    (slaps Scott):  This is for arresting MY DAUGHTER!   What if it were Serena?   Oh, because she's LUCY'S daughter?   So go be with Lucy, because we're FINISHED!   I'll watch the corn girl, Carly.   Don't blame yourself for what happened with Franco or Sonny.   You're my DAUGHTER!

 JORDAN:  TJ, we need to talk to you about how your father died.   Shawn was having an affair with me.  We're very sorry for what we did.  It was a long time ago and your dad was deployed in Haiti for a year.  I got lonely and turned to Shawn.  Just once.   I know this is a lot to take in, TJ.  We both love you very much.   TJ, don't go.  Let's talk about this some more.  

SHAWN:  TJ, your father didn't die by friendly fire.  It wasn't an accident.  He was attacking me and I shot him in self-defense.   He attacked me because he found out about the affair I was having with your mother.   Your mother turned to me for friendship and one thing led to another and we slept together.   It was a terrible thing to do to your father and we only did it once.   We were in Afghanistan during the raid and your father had a gun.  He wouldn't put it down so I had to defend myself.  I found out he died the next day.  Everyone assumed it was a friendly-fire related accident and I just let them believe that.  Remember this, TJ, your father was a hero who served his country.   We had wondered if we should have a DNA test done to see that your father was still your father and when I almost got killed, we decided to do it.   He was your father, TJ.  He saw me reading the results and that's when he attacked me.   We're telling you this because you deserve to know the truth.   We did the right thing, Jordan.   At least Tommy died knowing he was TJ's father. 

 TJ:  What is this all about?  I know how my dad died.  It was friendly fire, right?   It wasn't an accident?   YOU HAD AN AFFAIR?  HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HIM!   YOU WERE HIS BEST FRIEND!   If this was in self defense, why did you have to keep it a secret?   (TJ drops to his knees and cries)  So if all this happened before I was born, could Shawn be my father?  So because the DNA tests showed that I was not Shawn's son that makes everything okay?  Why are you telling me this now?    I would have kind of rather have not known.   Did you do this for yourselves?  To clear your consciences?   This is just--man this is just too much to take.  I've heard enough. 

 MICHAEL:  Dammit, Kiki, where is Ava?   I bet YOU helped her escape!   You STUPID DEAD-TO-ME PERSON!   Commissioner, Kiki knew her mother killed Connie and she helped Ava escape!   If it isn't another DEAD-TO-ME PERSON!   Morgan is riding in on his white horse to defend Kiki.  How cute.  Maybe HE helped Ava escape.  Morgan, WHERE'S AVA?   Did you stash her at the Brownstone again?   You are both stupid idiots!   You keep defending KIKI, Morgan.!    I'm gonna go see Sonny get sent to the Pen. 

 KIKI:  Michael, I didn't help my mother escape!  I'm just as pissed off at her about murdering Connie as you are.   She just found out I knew.  She told me to go find the baby.   My baby sister is still missing!   Michael, I swear I didn't help her.  Hi Morgan.   It's okay, I can handle Michael.   Michael, get your hands off Morgan!  STOP FIGHTING! 

 MORGAN:  Knock it off, Mikey!  Stop verbally abusing Kiki!   Just because you're pissed at us doesn't mean you can be so hateful.   I don't have Ava.  I didn't help her escape.   I led Dad--I mean, Sonny, right to her once I found out she killed Connie!   Ava's on her own.   Neither of us knows where she is!   Kiki, you need to keep fighting for Michael.  He'll cool off eventually.   He might have written Mom and Sonny off, but I don't think he's completely written us off yet.

 ANNA:  Where's Ava?   When was the last time you saw her?   Kiki, how long did you know that Ava killed Connie?   I'm going to issue an APB.   We've got all our officers searching for the baby.   Julian Jerome.  Where's your sister?  Where are you hiding her?   Did you know she killed Connie Falconeri to protect you?   Ms. Falconeri had found out that you were not Derek Wells and Ava killed her.   Surely she turned to you.  Well, if you won't tell me where you're stashing her, I'm just going to have to throw you in a holding cell until you're ready to talk. 

 JULIAN:  I don't know where Ava is.  I didn't know she was missing.  Last I heard she was in the hospital recuperating from childbirth.  Where IS that baby, Commish?  Why haven't you found her yet?  She's in the hands of a sociopath and a lunatic while you're in here holding me on trumped-up charges. 

 AVA:  Hide me, Silas!   Sonny's men are after me.  Once the kingpin falls, the other pins have to RUN FOR THEIR LIVES.  That's how the mob works.   I need you, Silas!   Will you please stash me until this whole thing blows over.   Can't trust the cops.  They can be bought off.   By the way, have you heard from the whackjob who kidnapped my baby?   Thanks, Silas!   I knew I could count on you.

SILAS:  Ava, what are you doing here?  Shouldn't you be at the hospital?   You still need medical attention.  I'm a doctor.  I would know.   Why can't you seek police protection if these mob guys are after you?   I don't have any guns to protect you with and I don't have my estranged unstable wife's skill with weaponizing household objects.    Ok, I'll do it because maybe I still sort of carry a torch for you...or was it Sam?   Who can keep up with all these women? 

LORD LARRY ASHTON:  Jerry, we have a problem.  Tracy is being blocked by her self-righteous young whippersnapper of a great-nephew so we can't infiltrate ELQ through her anymore.   I left all the money we need in a safe deposit box.   Hey, lad who isn't Jason, what are you doing here?   I told you I wasn't working for Jerry.  He stuffed me in a filthy sack, why would I work for him?   I already had my nightcap, young man.   Besides, I prefer to drink alone.  Go out the FRONT DOOR, will you?   That's what FRONT DOORS are for!  

PATRICK:  I knew he was working for Jerry.  Me, distract him?  How?   Hello, Mr.--I mean Lord Ashton.  Sorry about accusing you of working with Jerry Jacks.   I'm still trying to crack the case of who ran us off the road and killed my son so I'm a little paranoid.  Do you accept my apology, Lord Ashton?   Okay, hurry up Sam, howz 'bout we drink on it, sir?   What's your poison?  Gin?  Perfect.   Maybe we can play some gin rummy while we drink our gin.  You know what, never mind.  Gotta go, out through this gorgeous GARDEN! 

SAM:  I have an idea.  You stall him.  I get the key to the safe deposit box.  I don't know.  Be creative.   See ya.   No, I didn't get the key.  It might have tripped the alarm.  But I did manage to make an impression of the key and I did it all with SILLY PUTTY!  

I Am Quartermaine, Hear Me Roar!

OBRECHT:  Britta!   It is your mutter!   How dare you ignore my call!   You must come to ze hospital immediately or you vill regret it!   Dr. Drake, what is SHE doing viss you?   You Americans and your need for support!   Dr. Drake, despite your poor judgement and your confessing to considering murdering young master Kovich on ze operating table, you have been reinstated.   Don't let it go to your head, Dr. Drake.  One arrogant doctor in zis hospital is enough and zat arrogant doctor is ME!   Britta, vere aah you!   Zis is an EMERGENCY!   Zere you aah!  Vat took you so long?  I had a little chat viss Agent Sloane and he said you REFUSED TO COOPERATE viss him to bring down Anna Devane in ze murder of your fozzer!   Zat vill not be tolerated!   You vill cooperate viss Agent Sloane or I vill tell Nikolas all about how you helped young Spencer disappear!   Cesaah vas your FOZZER!   You vill help Agent Sloane or lose Nikolas. 

 BRITT:  Hmm, Agent Sloane.  To call or not to call?   Dammit!  It's my demented busybody "mutter".  That's what ignore buttons are for.   Hi Nikolas.  I was just burning Agent Sloane's card.  That poor S.O.B. is on his own.  Oh, mother, do you have to be so melodramatic?  I'm headed to work right now.  I'm here, mother.  What's the big "emergency"?   My so-called father never gave a damn about me so why should I lift a finger to bring justice for him.   Um, hello, mother?  It was YOUR IDEA to use Spencer to win Nikolas back in the first place.  Alright, FINE!  If it will get you off my back I'll do it.  

 NIKOLAS:   Britt, are you on your way to work?  Still thinking about helping that Sloane guy?   Whatever you do is fine with me.  See ya later.   No, Spencer, you cannot have chocolate for a snack.  On second thought, I'm proud of you for telling the truth about Franco knowing you were hiding out at Josslyn's house.  You learned your lesson about honesty so you deserve a piece of chocolate.  What do you mean you don't deserve it?   Someone else knew?  Who was it?   Well of course Josslyn knew!  That's it?   Hey, Spencer, why the tears?   I'm afraid Uncle Sonny belongs in jail because he did a very bad thing.

 SPENCER:  I'm hungry.  I want some chocolate.  Why not?   You're proud of me?  But I don't deserve the candy.  I didn't tell you the whole truth.   Someone else knew.   Uh oh.  I don't want to blow the whistle on Britt!  Then Dad will throw her out and she'll NEVER forgive me.  It was...Josslyn.  I'm bummed about Uncle Sonny being in the slammer.   Uncle Sonny is only the coolest uncle EVER!   At least if he's in the pokey, Luke can't hurt him.

 MICHAEL:  I AM QUARTERMAINE, HEAR ME ROAR!   I will do my REAL father proud and finish what he started, restoring ELQ to greatness.  And, I would like to move in.   That means TRACY has to stay as far away from ELQ as possible.  Why, Tracy?  Because you gave yours and Alice's shares to JERRY JACKS, that's why!  Luke was not my favorite person, but this guy, this LUSH is on another level.  LORDE is more of a Lord than he is.  I bet he's even working for Jerry.   Thanks for the recording, Shawn, but you're not my bodyguard anymore because I AM NO LONGER A CORINTHOS!   I'm sorry you had to hear the gunshot that killed my father, grandmother, but this recording exonerates him in Connie's shooting.   Hey Commissioner!   Get a load of this!   I have nothing to say to you, Kiki.   Remember?  DEAD TO ME!

 MONICA:  Michael, I couldn't be more thrilled that you are taking the Quartermaine name but are you sure you want to go Q all the way?   Welcome to full-blown Q-hood, Michael.  You can have whatever room you'd like.  We can stash the drunkard somewhere else.  Oh my god, the gunshot!   I know AJ is gone, but that was hard to hear.   It does let AJ off the hook!  Hallelujah!   Michael, you're the Best. Grandson. Ever.

 TRACY:  What, no love for your great auntie?   I only gave Jerry my shares to save Luke's life.  Instead, I get this bumbling boozer.   And Luke is STILL MISSING! 

  NED:  You'll have to excuse my father, Michael.   Too many dead brain cells.   We're happy to have you in full Q glory. 

 LORD ASHTON:  Hey, don't let that young whippersnapper in my bedroom!   And don't let him drink MY booze!    Take this, young buck!  (attacks Michael)  Now you scurry along, Tracy.   Ask Luke's daughter Lola about the whereabouts of her father.   Jerry, we've got ourselves a problem.

 PATRICK:  Well, here goes nothing.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  I'm not sure I want to know whether or not I'm reinstated.   Hello, Dr. Obrecht.   I'm reinstated.  Good to hear.   Thanks Dr. Obrecht.   Ok, I'm free for the rest of the afternoon, then back to work tomorrow.   Let's spy on Larry Ashton, shall we? 

 SAM:  Don't worry about me, Dr. Obrecht.  I'm here as Patrick's friend...with benefits.   You're reinstated, Patrick!  Congratulations!   What do you want to do to celebrate?   Spy on the Qs?  Let's do it!   A ha!  He IS talking to Jerry!

 ANNA:  Agent Sloane.  Long time, no see.   How is my former protegee?   You seem awful interested in local police business, Sloane.  What's it to you?   Just what are you here for?   I'm sorry, Kiki.  No word yet on the baby.  We have APBs out all over the place.   Michael.  What is this?   Let's give it a listen.   Ava Jerome we're here on police--DAMMIT!   First Nina Clay disappears, now Ava Jerome too!

 KIKI:  Now that you're not in grave danger, Mom, I'm real pissed off at you for killing an innocent woman.  Connie Falconeri.  Remember her?   You killed her and left her to bleed to death.  That makes you a murderer, Mom!   Sonny told Morgan and Morgan told me.  Sonny has a recording of you confessing to killing Connie right before AJ was shot.  You killed her and let AJ take the fall.  He started drinking again because he couldn't live with the guilt, even after he was acquitted!   I'll look for my little sister, but I'm doing it for her, not you.   Hi Michael.   How are you? 

AVA:  Yes, I killed Connie and it was wrong.   It was back when Julian was still going by his Derek Wells alias and Connie found out who he really was.  She started to call Sonny and I panicked and shot her.   It was wrong and I feel very bad about it.  We were trying to get a foothold on ELQ at the time.   Right now all of that is unimportant.  We need to focus on finding your little sister.  

SHAWN:  I'm sorry I screwed up yet another hit.  Jordan's life was in danger so I couldn't kill Franco.   She's TJ's mother.   I have the recording and my next stop is to deliver it to Michael.  I'm sorry all this went down, Sonny.   Get your hands off Michael you old dude I don't know!   Michael, here's the recording.  I'd best be on my way.   Kelly's is closed.  TJ, your mother and I need to talk turkey with you. 

JORDAN:  TJ!  It's so good to see you even if you are still pissed at me a little for dealing drugs.  Yes, I was trapped in Sonny's warehouse, first by Franco's loony mother Heather and then by Franco himself.  But I'm okay now.  See.  I'm alive and in one piece.   TJ, can you stick around for a bit?   Shawn and I have some truth-telling to do.  Once Shawn gets here.   Ok, he's here now.  We need to talk to you about your father. 

 TJ:  Mom, I'm so relieved to see you alive.  I heard what went down in that warehouse.  Something about Franco and a bomb?   Even though I wholeheartedly disapprove of your drug-dealing lifestyle, you're still my mom and I still love you.   I have to go study.  French isn't getting any easier.   What do you want to talk about?  It sounds serious.   

They're Arresting Everyone!

Panic among the 9-year-olds of Port Chuckles!   Michael pays his DEAD TO HIM parents a visit in the pokey, Larry Ashton blusters about ELQ and Jake sees a pic of his old face.

 JAKE:  Nice digs, Uhlizabeth.  Whoa, I recognize this face.   Was this my face?   Before the plastic surgery and all?   I guess I knew you back then.   Sorry for being all creepy and looking at your pictures.  Cute kids.  So this is my namesake?  Nice looking little dude.   Sorry he died and all.   I had brain surgery before?   That's something you don't hear every day. Hi Cam!   Yeah, my name is Jake, I think.   I kinda lost my memory, so I could be wrong about my name but Jake feels right to me.   Help you with your homework?   If it's history, you're outta luck because my brain only goes back about a week or so.  Math?   I remember two plus two, but that's about it.  What the hey?  I'm ready to learn fractions if are, kiddo.

  LIZ:  Welcome home, Jake!   You like my pictures?   No, it's not creepy!   They're there to be seen.  Yeah, that's Jason.   And here's my grandmother.   She's the best octogenarian babysitter EVER!   Here are Cameron and Aiden and this is Jake.  He was such an adventurous little guy.   Hey, Patrick, Sam.  Thanks for taking care of Cam.   Yeah, Jake's living with me since Dr. Obrecht booted him and he doesn't remember where he lives.   Cam, this is Jake.   He's going to be living with us for awhile.   I kind of adopted him.

 PATRICK:  Wow, Kelly's milkshakes really bring the 9-year-olds to the yard--I mean diner.   Let's get down to mystery-solving adventure business, shall we, Sam?   I suspect Lord Larry Ashton's drunken buffoon act is just that--an act.  He has to be working for Jerry.   Tracy wants to go all rogue and do her own investigation but I don't trust her as far as I can throw her.   So how are we going to prove he's Jerry's gopher?   Hey, kids, what's up?  Why the rush?   Hi Liz.  Cam and his fellow foil hats had a great time at Kelly's.  Who knew milkshakes brought out the conspiracy theorists in fourth graders?   So you're John Doe whose brain scans I looked at while you were bandaged up like a mummy.   Are you aware that you've had brain surgery before?   Nice to meet you and sorry about Dr. Frankenstein Von Obrecht.   I'm about to find out whether I'm getting my job back.  If not, this P.I. stuff is kind of fun.  Maybe it's time for a career change.   See you around, Liz.

 SAM:  So this is what Danny will be like in six years?  Fun times.   How did it go at the Qs?   Any luck with Lord Ashton?   Are Larry & Jerry thick as thieves?   Do you trust Tracy?   I'm not so sure I do.   We need to get to the bottom of this.   Hi Liz.  Oh, this is that guy from the hospital who looks eerily familiar to me.  Why do I feel a sense of deja vu every time I look at him?   He has this...I don't know...JASON vibe about him.   But a slightly younger Jason.   My Jason had to be in his early forties.  This guy isn't a day over 35.

 CAMERON:  This milkshake sure is delicious.   Ha ha, Spencer!  Josslyn said palate, not mallet.  Spencer doesn't know the difference between palate and mallet.   Oh, and your uncle Sonny's in the slammer.   Read it and WEEP!   Oh, Emma, you're so caring.  That's why I love you.   (at home) Who's this guy with a cane?  He looks too young to need a cane.   His name is not Jake!   That was my little brother's name.  Before he got run over.   You got run over too?  But you're not dead.   Can you help me with my homework.  It's fractions.   Do you remember what fractions are?

 SPENCER:  Of course you would pick VANILLA, you townie!   I know what a palate is.  It's what you use in cricket--I mean croquet.  Uncle Sonny's not in JAIL!  THAT'S NOT TRUE!   Thank you, Joss.  I'm there for you too because your mom's in the pokey too.  This is crazy!   We have to get out of here before we all get ARRESTED!   The cops are going crazy!  THEY'RE ARRESTING EVERYONE!

 EMMA:  How was the wedding, Josslyn?  Sorry about your uncle, Spencer.

 JOSSLYN:  There was no wedding.  STANCO is history!  I wish there were a corn-flavored milkshake!   I wish EVERYTHING were corn-flavored because I'M A CHILD OF THE CORN!   You just don't like it because you don't have a palate.  That means a taste for something.  Mom has a palate for bad men, except for Daddy, of course.  What do you mean you're there for me, Spencer?  WHAT?  MOM'S IN JAIL AND NOBODY TOLD ME?

 MICHAEL:  Hello, DEAD TO ME people I used to call my parents.  I'm not here for pleasantries or to un-disown you.  I'm only here to clear my father's name.  It has come to my attention that there is a recording which exonerates my father in Connie's murder.  Of course you would get rid of the recording, CARLY.   Where is it, Sonny?   Don't EVER PROMISE ME ANYTHING.  YOUR PROMISES MEAN NOTHING TO ME.   You two don't know the MEANING of the word love.   See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!   Hello Quartermaines.  Don't call me Michael Corinthos.  I don't answer to Corinthos anymore.  From here on out, I am Michael Quartermaine.

SONNY:  Michael.  You're here.  The recording?   You can have it.  That's a promise.  I'll have Shawn deliver it to you.  I love you, Michael.  Carly, you have to leave Michael alone.  He doesn't want anything to do with us anymore.

CARLY:  Michael!   My most favorite son!   Have you come to your senses and forgiven us yet?   There was a recording of Ava confessing to Connie's murder.  I got rid of my copy because it implicated Sonny.  Your father, Sonny.   I love you, Michael.   Sonny, I have to get out of here.   I have to talk to MI-I-ICHAEL!

ANNA:  You didn't get the memo, Obrecht?  I'm your shadow and I really want to arrest you now.   Why?  You aided and abetted Nina's kidnapping of Ava Jerome's baby.   Aren't you tired of the same old "What did you do with Faison?" song?   You know what happened to Faison, Liesl?   I am ready to tell you the truth.  I AM CESAR FAISON!   KISS ME, SCHATTZI!   KISS ME!   I'll find a way to put you behind bars, Obrecht.  Just you wait.   If you don't mind, I've got a baby to find.  (to Agent Sloane)  Who the hell are you?  

OBRECHT:  Vat trumped-up chahges aah you bringing up against me zis time?   Aiding and abetting?   All I did vas give Magda and my unstable niece an office to do zeir conspiring in.  I vas ze one who called you and told you vere Nina was.  It is not my fault ze police force vorks at a snail's pace.  So eizer arrest me or move on.    By ze way, vat did you do to my Cesaaah?   You aah disgusting, Anna Devane!   Go find ze baby and get out of my face!  (to Agent Sloane) Who aah you?  Aah you a patient?  Zen stop vasting my time.  You vant to bring down Anna Devane?  I am listening. 

AGENT SLOANE:   Dr. Westbourne, I need your help to bring justice for your father's death.  Will you help me take down Anna Devane?   I think you are making a big mistake.  If this was one of your friends who was killed by Devane, would you feel differently?   If you change your mind, here's my card.  (to Obrecht) Dr. Leisl Obrecht.  No, I do not need medical attention.  I'm as fit as a fiddle.  But we have a common cause.  Does the name Anna Devane ring a bell?   If it isn't Anna Devane herself...

BRITT:  As far as I'm concerned, if Anna killed Faison, she did the world a favor.   He was my father in name only.  What I remember of him, I would rather forget.  Sorry, but you're on your own.   I can't help you.   Nikolas, why do I all of the sudden feel bad for my crazy, demented father?   Is he alive?  Is he in pain?  Is he dead?  He never gave a damn about me, that's for sure.   Hey, Spence.   What's up?  

NIK:  Britt, whatever you decide, I support you.  I know what it's like to have demented family members.  My grandmother Helena, for example.  I think she's dead, but I'm hearing rumors that she's alive.  Spencer what's up?   Still pining over Emma?  I thought you and Corn Girl were an item now.

LARRY:  Jerry, listen up.  The hopeless drunk act is working.  The Q's are none the wiser.  My ex, Tracy threw in with the help and surrendered their shares!   We're going to be running ELQ before you know it.  Give Helena a kiss for me.  Ha ha ha!    Back to playing the souse.    Hello, Hobson.   Are you sure you're not a drag queen?   Well, if it isn't my darling wife and my charming son.   Neddy, what do you say we let your lovely mother run ELQ again?   It makes a lot more sense than some young son of a mobster running things, now, doesn't it?   Now where's the booze?  I'm thirsty.   Why hello, Michael Corinthos!

TRACY:  Hey Ned, what's a six-letter word for unhinged person who rants and raves?   Oh, here she comes waltzing into the room.  M-O-N-I-C-A!   So you got the memo that Sonny Corinthos offed AJ?   And here comes my lout of an ex-hubby.   I should run ELQ?  Maybe he's not such a lout after all.  Michael has no experience and he's running ELQ into the ground.

NED:  Well, it it isn't my long lost lush of a father.  Don't worry, pops!   I labeled all the doors.   From now on, if you wander into Aunt Monica's room at 2 a.m., it's nobody's fault but your own.  Michael is doing a fine job running ELQ.

SVELTE ALICE:  What a run!   Hey, old drunkard!  My name is not Hobson, it's Alice.  There was a Dobson, but he was a woman in drag.  Get lost in a bottle of gin, will ya?