Turkey Lurkey: Part I

  It's Thanksgiving morning in The Chuckles (my how time flies after Halloween lasted two weeks!).   Visitors are the theme of the day:  Patrick visits Sam.  Agent Sloane visits Anna.  Helena visits Luke and Carly visits Michael.   Jake has been visiting Liz for the past month or so.  Sonny visits Duke and issues him a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card

  LUKE:  Has Evil Twin been injecting me with Heather Webber's LSD again because I'm seeing dead people.  Namely, Helena Cassadine.  I know she's dead because I killed her myself.   Wait a minute.  The Dragon Lady touched my cheek.  SHE'S ALIVE!   HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?   Hey, Queen of Darkness, as much as I'd love to smack a big one on ya, how do I know that you're not Faison in touch with his feminine side?   I mean, you're a whole lot prettier than the cigarillo-loving Danish terrorist, but one never can be too sure.   Speaking of disguises, who sent you here?  My satanic stunt double?   Who the hell is he anyway?   Lord Larry Ashton?  Jerry Jacks?  Faison?  Your freeze-dried hubby Mikkos?   Oh, Queen of the Defrosted Damned, you're no fun!   Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with knives?

 HELENA:  Good morning, my love!  'Tis I, your beloved Slavic sex toy.  You're looking rather frigid lately.  Allow me to warm you up.  Poor, LSD-addled Luke!  You are still under the impression that I am a hallucination!   I am as alive as you are, Luke.  You may think you killed me, but have you forgotten that we Cassadines have a unique insurance policy:  You unfreeze me and I'll unfreeze you.   It's part of our special bond, at least among the worthy Cassadines.  My dear departed brother-in-law Victor ensured that your bullet would not be the end of me.   You should know you can't kill me that easily.  My cat-like reflexes have given me nine lives.  As for you, you have been a very, very bad boy, Luke, in trying to escape.  My esteemed colleague who bears your likeness informed me of your ingenious, yet ultimately unsuccessful Houdini act and it pains me to have to be the one to eliminate unnecessary Luke Spencers.   Why hello, Natasha!   Rumors of my demise were greatly exaggerated and I have a peculiar appetite for throat-slitting of late.   Who is this handsome paramour of yours?  Darling gentleman, I would like you better if you removed your shirt.   Until the next time I feel like torturing you my dear Natasha.  Give my regards to your lovely, lovely girls.

 JAKE:  No, Go Away, No, Quartermaines, Corinthoses, Morgans, Who. Am. I. No. AAAGGGH!  Sorry Uhlizabeth.   Didn't mean to break your wrist or anything, but I have an old cast you can borrow.  Oh yeah, Thanksgiving.  That's when you color eggs and hide them...no, you light fireworks and wave the American flag...no, there's a tree involved and a fat guy in a red suit.  Oh, yeah, Turkey Day.  What if, in my previous life, I was a vegetarian?  Just kidding!   Hey, this is the only shirt I've got, so I guess I am wearing it to this big Thanksgiving feast with people I barely know.   You didn't have to give me a present.  It's not that holiday yet.   Well, I guess we can pretend it's my birthday.   Hey, Uhlizabeth, there's a rich old lady at the door that I think I might have seen, but she could be a total stranger.

LIZ:  Don't worry, Jake.  You were just having a bad dream.  My wrist will be fine.  Happy Thanksgiving!  You do know what Thanksgiving is, right?   Jake, Jake, Jake, you don't have to wear that nondescript gray shirt to Thanksgiving dinner now.  Open this?   Do you like it?   You hate it?   Please take this.  When's your birthday?   Hi Patrick?   Two more?  Great, the more the merrier.   Let me go tend to the turkey.

SAM:  Are you sure you can't spend Thanksgiving with us, Mom?   We'll miss you.   Hi Patrick.  I've been racking my brain about this mask thing and I still don't have a clue.   What am I doing?  Danny and I are just hanging out here, I guess.  Mom's got an emergency with a client.  Molly's off spending the holiday with TJ and Lucas, I think he might have forgotten that we're brother and sister.   Julian?  He's got a bit of a jail problem at the moment.   No, don't call Elizabeth.  I don't want to impose on her.   Fine, I'll go but I'm bringing some wine because I might need it if I see that deja vu guy again.

PATRICK:  Happy Turkey Day, Sam, even though I'm secretly Canadian and we celebrated Thanksgiving last month.   What's the latest on Project Save Luke's Ass?   Do you think your mob-connected dad would be able to help us?   You're not spending Thanksgiving alone.  You're coming with me to Elizabeth's and I won't take no for an answer.  Hey, Elizabeth, room for two more?  As in Sam & Danny?   It's done.  You're coming with me.

ALEXIS:  Anna, can you release Julian from lockup?   It's not like you've, I don't know, actually ARRESTED him yet!    Thanks.   Yes, Julian, I got you sprung, but I did it for Luke.   I want to see if your absurd Two Lukes story checks out.   What's he doing at Miscavige?   I thought he was rescued?   Oh, crap, it's my evil stepmother!   Yes, those do exist in real life and this woman is living proof, even if I thought she was dead.   What do you want, Helena?   Slit throats, so last century.  Ever thought of updating your threats?  Oh. My. God. What has that high-fashion witch done to Luke?

JULIAN:  Thanks for busting me out, Alexis.  Let's go visit The Real Luke.   You see, Alexis, Real Luke never left Miscavige.  When he was rescued, it wasn't really him.  It was my boss.  We're here to see Luke Spencer.  Would you mind getting lost for a bit.  Take a break.  Who the hell is this woman?   She's elegant and well-dressed but has a nefarious look about her.   Is this my sister in about forty years?   Hey, chill out Future Ava!   And stop playing with knives!

ANNA:  Alexis, why, pray tell, do you want to help Julian Jerome?   I hope he's worth it to you.  Personally, I can't stand the guy but I guess I don't have anything to arrest him on.   You again, Agent Sloane?  Don't you get tired of asking me where Faison is and what I did with him.   If he escaped, you'd best be out finding him and not here playing the blame game.   In case you haven't noticed, I'm a little busy.  I have two lunatics on the run with a missing baby, said baby's mother who is a fugitive from the law, and now an international terrorist on the loose.   So say your piece and get on with it.

AGENT SLOANE:  Commissioner Devane, just because Cesar Faison isn't where you said he was doesn't mean you're off the hook.  You are going down for taking the law into your own hands.   Enjoy the holidays from Pentonville.  I hear Sonny Corinthos is looking for someone to share some Prison Issue turkey and mashed potatoes.

SONNY:  Duke, my man, Carly's not the only one I cut a deal for.  I asked them to send you home too.  You've had my back and the only one going down for this is me.   I'm going to have to ask you a favor, though.  Will you run my business for me?   I've worked hard to gain control of Port Chuckles and I'm not about to let Julian Jerome get the drop on me while I'm doing hard time.  You hate Jerome as much as I and I trust you.  I know it will put you at odds with Anna again, but will you do this for me, Duke?  Prison Bromance was fun, but Shawn's the muscle of the organization and he doesn't have the time to be the brains too.

DUKE:  Sonny, are you sure you are willing to trade Carly's freedom for yours?  Diane could have worked her Diane Magic in court to get you off.   Me?  But hanging out in P-Ville with you has been so much fun!   You want me to run your business?   What about Shawn?   Don't worry about Anna.  She's not that into me anymore since I kept my word to you.  I think she's a wee bit jealous.   I'll do it, Sonny.  I'll run your business and bring down the Jeromes once and for all!

 CARLY:  Happy Thanksgiving, Favorite Son Who Hates Me.   I know you're still pissed-as-you've-ever-been at me, but you have to hear me out, Michael.  I didn't know that Sonny was going to sacrifice himself for me and I was fully prepared to face what I did.   Of course I know it was wrong, but I'd do it again, not only to protect Sonny but to protect YOU!   Be pissed at me, you have the right to, but don't go changing your name over it. You are Sonny's son.  Jason was the one who named you Michael Corinthos.  Jason was my bestest friend in the whole wide world.   Fine, sign those papers, but it will make you a Quartermaine in name only.  You are still Michael Corinthos, Sonny's son and you always will be.

MICHAEL:  Mom--I mean Carly, you are DEAD TO ME, remember?  If you want to visit the Quartermaine household for Thanksgiving, try the crypt.   Besides, I thought you were going to the Pen with DEAD TO ME Sonny.   So you just got away with protecting the Big Cheese of the Port Chuckles Mafia.  That Big Cheese screwed your son--your EX-SON over by killing his biological father.  His REAL FATHER!   AJ made mistakes, but he never got a chance to raise me because you and Sonny STOLE ME FROM HIM!   All you do is lie and cheat and use people, CARLY!   You even took advantage of my grandmother's grief to cover your sorry ass.   Just watch me sign those name change papers.  SEE!   I AM QUARTERMAINE, HEAR ME ROAR!   Now GET OUTTA HERE!!!  NO THANKSGIVING PIZZA FOR YOU!!!