Let's Do The Time Warp Again

Two days in this town are lasting about a month in the real world.    The space-time continuum is reeeeallly getting stretched in The Chuckles.   Here's the latest from the seemingly never-ending October 31: 

 MICHAEL:   Don't bring religion into this now, Sonny.   Unless you're making peace with your maker.   It's too late.   Your time has come.  It sends shivers down my spine and my body's aching all the time I'm holding this gun, but you are going to pay for what you did to AJ.   A life for a life.   (squeezes trigger) Dante, Morgan, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?    Get out while I end this miserable excuse for a man.   He NEVER pays for anything he's done.   That ends tonight when I end his life.   Morgan, get your ass out of the way.   This is no time to play monkey in the middle.   DAMMIT, DANTE YOU WIN!    (puts down the gun)  That's the only mercy you're getting from me, man who is no longer my father.  

 MORGAN:  Mikey, don't do it!   You don't want to do this!   Fine, if that's the way you want to play it, you're gonna have to go through ME to get to HIM!   Dad and I are simpatico again, Mikey.  Now that I know AVA manipulated him to believe AJ killed Connie, it's all copacetic.  Don't do this, bro! 

DANTE:  Michael, put down that gun, man.  I've got evidence to put our father in Pentonville for AJ's murder.   He's not going to get away with it this time.   You don't want to do this, Michael.  You know what prison's like.  You will lose everything if you pull that trigger.   AJ would not have wanted that.  If you kill Sonny, you will become a Corinthos.  You will sink down to his level.  You'll be the mobster you never wanted to be.   Michael Sonny Corinthos Jr., you are under arrest for the murder of AJ Quartermaine.  You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. 

 SONNY:   Look, son, I don't blame you for wanting to kill me.   I get this whole life for a life thing.   I love you, Michael, even if you pull that trigger and kill me.   All this gun pointing has given me a death wish so just do it and get it over with.  Morgan, Dante, I appreciate you being here, but you need to go so Michael here can plug me.   I'm totally cool with taking a bullet from my all-time favorite son, especially if you, Dante, are going to send me to Pentonville.   The food there sucks and I'd rather not run into the likes of Johnny Zacchara.   Bullet or no bullet, I love you, Michael. 

 NINA:   My darling baby Zyrtec!   The rate you're growing, I'm going to have to put one of those baby leashes on you tomorrow so you don't walk out of this hotel looking for that tramp Ava Jerome.   Mommy, can you call Silas and tell him to come here and meet his baby girl!   I would, but I don't want to put Zyrtec down.   Not while I'm taking in the joys of motherhood.   Never mind, I'm going to surprise Silas and bring Zyrtec to him.  He's gonna love that name, being a doctor and all.   I don't care what my hair looks like, Mommy.  I can always run my fingers through it on the way over there or have baby Zyrtec do it for me.  She has a very strong arm and she's not afraid to use it.   Oh alright, back to plan A.  Call Silas, Mommy, or you won't see a dime of my MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!  I'm sorry, Zyrtec.  My mother makes me very upset sometimes so pick up the Ding Dappa Goopa Wacka PHONE!  Good night, baby Zyrtec.   I hope this little travel crib thingy can contain the force of nature that is you!   Hi stockbroker guy!   You're doing a great job with my portfolio.  Bye now.   Ha!  Did you think, Mommy, that I was going to let you see a dime of my MASSIVE FORTUNE?  Think again, you gullible fool!   You know what?  Mr. Lamp here is feeling some RAGE coming on and so am I!   You tried to make me miscarry by injecting me with the Original Recipe Needle of Badness so Mr. Lamp and I are going to END YOU NOW!!!   Ok, I sure took care of crazy grandma, didn't I, sleeping Zyrtec?   Now where, oh where is SILAS??? 

MADELINE:   Nina, do you really think it's a good idea to call Silas now?   He's very busy, probably patching up Ava, and if he finds you, we're both going to lockup and it's bye bye baby!   What, now you want to go to the hospital?   Are you crazy?  That's a rhetorical question.   Don't you want to wait until tomorrow and look all pretty for Silas?   At the very least, take a shower!   Fine, I'll call Silas.  (Dials some non-Silas number) Silas?  This is Madeline.  Nina had the baby.   Come see us at the Rendezvous Hotel room 106.   Ok, I called him.  Now SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!    Damn it, Nina, you double-crossed me!   Put that lamp down, Nina!  You don't want to wake the baby.  I still refuse to call her that godawful name you chose.  NINA!  

BABY ZYRTEC (if she could talk):  When will that crazy lady put me down.  At the very least FEED ME!   I'm HUNGRY!!!   I miss my real mommy.   This Nina lady has lost her marbles (and that's putting it mildy)   Finally, a crib, or something that looks like one.  

LORD LARRY ASHTON:  What a maze this house is.   So many doors.  What's behind door number one?   A nice warm bed!   I could get used to this.  Sure beats a burlap sac.   Oh, hi Monica.   Long time, no see.  Fancy meeting you here.   I need more booze.   Where's me wife?    Who's this intriguing young lad?   Is this Jason all grown up?   Oh, he's not a Q?   Tracy, you cougar you!   Luke Spencer?  I don't know a Luke Spencer?   Jerry Jacks?   Sorry, don't know him either.   Got any more gin?   A ha!   Booze!   I must be going.   Jerry.  It's your buddy Larry.   Phase one successful.   On to Phase two.  Give that fabulous broad Helena a kiss for me, eh?  

 MONICA:  AAAGGGHHH!   Get out of my bed you drunken bastard!   What his HE doing here?   This is MY HOUSE!   What are YOU still doing here, Tracy?   I threw YOU out, remember?  

 TRACY:  My poor, drunken ex-husband.  Do I need to label all the doors in this house?   Alan?  He's dead.  What are you doing wearing Daddy's pajamas?   The only reason I'm keeping this bumbling jester around is to get information about Luke.   Hello, Ned.   Are you sure you want to babysit your father?   He's a handful.  Just ask Monica.  

PATRICK: So, Mr. Ashton, what do you know about Luke Spencer?   Hey Sam.  What's up?   You seem distracted.

SAM:  I am so relieved that Danny here is okay.  Thanks Mom for your support.  And yours too, Dad.  There goes Danny.   Gotta go.   Danny, let's not bother that patient, okay sweetie?   Why does he look so familiar.  I feel like I've seen him before.  Hi Jake.  My name is Sam and this is my son Danny.  Liz here is a great nurse.  She has taken care of all the Morgans at some point.  Jason Morgan was my husband.  You were the guy Danny ran to in ICU.  That's weird that he has this attachment to some random patient, no offense Jake.   Hi Patrick.  It's been a long day.

DANNY:   Yay, I'm not sick!   I SEE DADDY!   Hi, Daddy!   Can I grab your leg?  

JAKE:  I need to get my strength up for my big release.  Thanks for the offer, Uhlizabeth, but I don't want to be a burden and besides, what will your boys think?   Can I, like do stuff for you to repay you?  Here comes another person I should remember but I don't.  Cute kid.  I'm Jake.  No last name, just Jake.  Going with this one name thing for awhile, until my memory decides to show up.   There's that Morgan name again.  These Morgans are famous around this town.  

LIZ:  Jake, please come live with me!  Pretty please with a cherry on top?   My boys will love you.  I bet you're great with kids.   Hi Sam.  Hi Danny.   This is Jake.  He's made a friend already in Danny, here.   Good to see you, Sam and I'm glad Danny is feeling better.   Jake, you need your rest.  No more laps around the hospital.  Go to bed, I said.

ALEXIS:  Good bye, Danny!   Thank you, Julian, for what you agreed to do for Danny.   Hello Ned.   What kind of crisis are the Q's in now?   It's always something with them, isn't it?   Bye Ned.   So, Ned kissed me, so what?   I love you, but since you're in the mob, I have to stay away from you.  

JULIAN:  Glad I could help, Sam.  I would do anything for you, your mother, or Danny, you know that.  So, Alexis.  Are we back together now?   Here's Ted again.  Too late, Teddy Bear. Yes, I know Jerry, but no, I haven't seen him in ages.  What's it to you?   Oh yeah, the Luke thing.  Alexis, what was that all about?  Why did you let him kiss you?  I thought we were a thing again.  I would go to the ends of the earth for you, you know! 

NED:  Hey, Alexis.  Sorry I'm late.  Q's in crisis yet again.  What else is new?  My Dad shows up in a burlap sack and all hell breaks loose.  Hey, Julian, what's your connection with Jerry Jacks.   Where's he stashing Luke?  Back home at the Q's.  I see Dad's making himself at home.  Have booze will crash.  I'll handle him, Mom.  I'll keep him away from bedrooms containing living Quartermaines, but if he wanders into the crypt, all bets are off.