The DNA on Denise/Flava has come in and the results are intriguing to say the least. Franco makes himself at home in Nathan's bedroom. Olivia kicks Nina out of the MetroCourt, but Ric comes to his new wife's rescue. Lulu asks Nikolas to use his influence to ensure that Valerie does not get hired at the PCPD. Sloane informs Anna that Lomax gave him the axe. Michael asks a favor of Rosalie. Ric pays a visit to a certain someone in Pentonville. Lulu learns some disturbing new
PCPD
SONNY: Open the damn envelope already!
DENISE: Hold yoah hoahses, Don Corinthos! We gotta wait for mah mustachioed lawyah!
ALEXIS: Nice to see you too, "Denise".
LUCAS: Here goes...This is interesting. You're not Ava, but you're...wait for this...her long lost sister!
DENISE, KIKI, MORGAN, ALEXIS, SONNY, JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
WYNDEMERE
LULU: Big brother Nikolas, you've GOT to help me make sure Valerie does NOT get hired at the PCPD. I CAN'T have her and Dante spending the whole friggin' day together. Please use your powers of Cassadine black magic on Commissioner Sloane and convince him to not hire her. Please, pretty please, with a cherry on top, and sprinkles?
NIKOLAS: Let me get this straight: You want to sabotage your cousin's attempt to find gainful employment in this town and you want me to pay Sloane off to keep Valerie off the PCPD payroll? We have a problem.
LULU: You're right. She's my COUSIN and I was too blinded by jealousy to realize what I was asking you to do. I'm such a monster.
NIKOLAS: Relax, Lulu, I meant we have a problem because Sloane's not the commissioner anymore. Lomax gave him the pink slip.
LULU: And you know this how?
NIKOLAS: (fingers crossed behind back) Lomax paid me a visit trying to hit me up for a campaign donation. Of course I turned her down. I was Team Felicia and Team Anna, after all.
LULU: Do you think I'm terrible for what I was about to have you do to Valerie?
NIKOLAS: You're not the only one to get in touch with your dark side lately. We all have a dark side, little sis.
Q MANSION
MICHAEL: Rosalie, I have a favor to ask you.
ROSALIE: If it has to do with that baby sis of yours, I don't do diapers. Besides, she has a nanny for that, right?
MICHAEL: It has nothing to do with AJ. I want you to bribe Nina to get Franco to give his shares back to me.
ROSALIE: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
METROCOURT
OLIVIA: Time's up Nina. Pack your bags, cuz you've been EVICTED from the MetroCourt.
NINA: Have you forgotten, dear Olivia, what I know about your baby?
OLIVIA: (fingers crossed behind back) There is no baby, Nina. I lost my little boy. Besides, Julian knows so the deal's off.
NINA: I'm so sorry about losing a baby. That happened to me once. My mother---
OLIVIA: Save it, Nina! Upstairs, now! Find a new place to squat.
RIC: Hey hey hey! No one accuses my wife of squatting!
OLIVIA: Your WIFE? Since when?
RIC: Since five minutes after Elizabeth threw my ring at me at the Nurses' Ball. Nina and I, we're just a better fit.
OLIVIA: Fine, I'll kick BOTH of you out.
RIC: Where do you think we are? Indiana? I'll sue for discrimination.
OLIVIA: Fine, then I'll stick YOU with the bill. Pay up or ship out.
NATHAN'S APARTMENT
FRANCO: (whistling) Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, Zip-a-dee-ay. My oh my what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine headed my way! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, Zip-a-dee---
NATHAN: What the HELL?
MAXIE: Franco? In your BEDROOM? Watching us SLEEP?
FRANCO: Good morning to you too, Maxie. Remember that time we slept together? Good times!
NATHAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
FRANCO: Yeah, we got it on, Maxie and me.
MAXIE: It was ONE TIME, waaaaaaaaay before I met you, Nathan. Call it temporary insanity.
FRANCO: Call it what you want, but it happened.
NATHAN: What do you want with us, Franco?
FRANCO: It's what do I want with YOU, musclebound law enforcer. I want you to talk some sense into your sister-cousin about her new hubby Ric.
NATHAN: Nina got married? Why wasn't I invited?
ANNA'S ROOM
ANNA: What did Lomax want with you?
SLOANE: She wanted to give me the old heave ho. I've been fired.
ANNA: On what grounds?
SLOANE: Naming the wrong guy for Duke's murder while the "real killer" is on the loose.
ANNA: This is all my fault. You got fired for protecting me.
SLOANE: More like Lomax freaking out over her poll numbers. Don't worry. I know a way to bring her down.
ANNA: And that would be?
SLOANE: I'll spin a tale of a rigged election. It was all part of my misguided revenge plot against you, but, as you can see, I have since changed my mind.
ANNA: How can you bring her down over a rigged election YOU took part in?
SLOANE: Two words: Nikolas Cassadine!
METROCOURT
NINA: Hello, hubby! Thanks for stepping in with Olivia and paying my bill.
RIC: I hear cash flow isn't exactly a problem for you. Your family's loaded.
NINA: It's not like I can even GET to that money. The state still thinks I'm too crazy to handle it.
RIC: What you need is a good lawyer--I mean husband. I can free up that money for you.
NINA: Or do you mean for YOU?
Q MANSION
ROSALIE: I'm not touching Nina with a 10-foot pole. Besides, it's not as if she'll listen to me.
MICHAEL: Rosalie, you're my only hope at getting those shares back and the only path to Franco is Nina. Please, pretty please, with a cherry on top?
ROSALIE: Throw in the chocolate sprinkles and I'll think about it.
MICHAEL: As many chocolate sprinkles as you want.
ROSALIE: Fine, I'll do it.
WYNDEMERE
LULU: (on phone) Dad is MISSING? When did this happen? How? I'll be right there. (hangs up) OMG, Nikolas, Dad is missing. Has he gone to the dark side again?
NIKOLAS: Luke's on the lam again? I mean, I'm sorry to hear that, Lulu.
LULU: Gotta go.
NATHAN'S APARTMENT
NATHAN: You want me to talk to my sister? I'll handle it. Now scram!
FRANCO: Only if I get to take credit for you handling it. Mention my name!
NATHAN: You wish! Now GET OUT!
MAXIE: Ewwwww! Franco touched my nailfile.
Q MANSION
ROSALIE: (on phone) Mr. Cassadine, we have a problem.
NIKOLAS: What now, Rosalie?
ROSALIE: This is huge. I'll hop the launch to Wyndemere.
PCPD
JULIAN: How can this be? I don't have any other siblings, that I know of.
LUCAS: That's where the "long lost" part comes in, Dad. Apparently this Denise has enough DNA in common with Ava to be a member of her immediate family, but not Ava herself.
DENISE: Long lost sistah, how very Southwest General. So can I go now if I didn't commit no murdah?
DELIA: I think I can clear this up.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Rose Tattoo
Sonny pays Denise/"Flava" a visit and insists on seeing proof that she's not Ava. Kiki has a dream about Ava. Lucas is surprised by Brad's reluctance to have a big wedding. Anna mistakes Sloane for Ghost Carlos. Mayor Lomax shows up at Wyndemere seeking help from Nikolas. Lulu finds out that Valerie is interviewing for a job at the PCPD. Denise's DNA results are in.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
KIKI: OMG, I dreamed I was celebrating Mom's birthday and she was still alive and preggers with Avery. Is it Throwback Thursday or what?
MORGAN: I dreamed I was having sex with your mother. Ha ha! Just kidding!
KIKI: Do you think this Denise woman really is my mom?
MORGAN: I'd bet the house on it, if I was still into that sort of thing.
WYNDEMERE
VALERIE: Crap! I spilled coffee on my job interview outfit.
NIKOLAS: I've got a book of Cassadine Black Magic that can help with that. What kind of job are you looking for? Alfred's getting on in years, so we may need a new butler soon and I'm a prince of the 21st century, so gender is not an issue.
VALERIE: Thanks, but I'm interviewing at the PCPD. Answering phones and stuff.
NIKOLAS: Well, good luck. Chapter 3 in Cassadine Black Magic has tips on how to make sure you get hired for any job at any time. Just a thought.
ANNA'S ROOM
ANNA: Go away, Ghost Carlos! You're just a bloody ghost!
GHOST CARLOS: Fat chance, murderess! I'm gonna haunt you till the day you're in the bottom of the harbor feeding the fish right along with me. By the way, can I play with Duke's ashes?
ANNA: GO THE HELL AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
GHOST CARLOS: Nah, that would be boring. For me.
ANNA: SHUT UP CARLOS!!!!!
SLOANE: Easy, easy! I come in peace.
ANNA: Sloane? I could have sworn you were my guilt-ridden obnoxious ghost of Carlos Rivera.
SLOANE: Man, you are all screwed up in the head about this. Don't worry. I'll take care of everything. Get this: I phoned in an anonymous tip that Carlos boarded a flight to Madagascar.
ANNA: You are really going to cover my ass like this, Kyle?
SLOANE: I happen to kinda like your ass, so yeah.
PCPD JAIL
SONNY: Hello, Ava.
DENISE: Do those stone cold black eyes of youahs not work? I ain't Ava. I'm Denise DiMuuuuuccio, stylist. Lookin' for more Grecian foahmula? Oah do you mobstah types prefuh shoe polish?
SONNY: You can drop the phony accent, AVA. I know it's you.
DENISE: I heah you have an axe tah grind with dis Ava chick. She offed yah main squeeze: Connie Da Canary. Tough break.
SONNY: It's Falconeri and you know that as well as I do. I'm not amused, Ava. Bad things happen when Sonny Corinthos is not amused.
DENISE: How many times I gotta tell yah! I. Ain't. Ava.
SONNY: Prove it. Show me your right boob.
DENISE: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
PCPD
LULU: What was Valerie doing here yesterday?
VALERIE: Just applying for a job. A girl's gotta make a living, you know.
LULU: I keep learning new things about you every day, cuz. Since when are you a cop?
VALERIE: Since never. I applied to be a receptionist.
DANTE: I'll take good care of her, Lulu.
LULU: (to herself) I bet you will.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: I want a big fat gay wedding! Butterflies, fondue, bottomless booze, the works.
BRAD: Well...
LUCAS: I thought you'd be all over that idea. Especially considering the rather demonstrative way you proposed.
BRAD: What do you say we save some dough and just go before the justice of the peace?
LUCAS: I thought you were cool with my family.
BRAD: It's not YOUR family I'm worried about. Oh look! Here are the DNA tests on that Ava lookalike.
WYNDEMERE
MAYOR LOMAX: We have a problem and his name is Kyle Sloane.
NIKOLAS: You mean the man who helped you steal the mayoral election?
LOMAX: One and the same. Everyone's pissed at me because Sloane's a bumbling idiot. He got the wrong guy for the Lavery murder.
NIKOLAS: I don't know, Mayor Lomax. The guy could sink us if he wanted to.
LOMAX: If you think I'm afraid of him, Mr. Cassadine, you've got another think coming.
PCPD JAIL
SONNY: Nice tattoo. Covers up that gunshot wound scar, AVA.
DENISE: I ain't got shot by no stinkin' gun!
SONNY: Oh yes you did, AVA.
DENISE: Uh UH!
SONNY: Uh HUH!
DENISE: Uh UH!
PCPD
LOMAX: Where's Sloane. I want to fire his ass PRONTO!
DANTE: Your guess is as good as mine, Mayor.
LOMAX: Hmmmmpf!
VALERIE: That woman is SCARY!
LULU: You SURE you want to work here?
ANNA'S ROOM
LOMAX: Knock knock!
ANNA: Dammit! Ghost Carlos again.
SLOANE: If it is, I'll deal with him.
ANNA: And I'll make myself scarce.
SLOANE: Mayor Lomax. What brings you here?
LOMAX: You have to ask? You've been pissing me off BIG TIME!
PCPD
DENISE: Hi Kiki! I kinda sorta wish you were my daughtah! Hi Hot Stuff!
SONNY: So where are the DNA results? When do we get to hear that this floor show is starring none other than Ava Jerome?
LUCAS: I have them right here.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
KIKI: OMG, I dreamed I was celebrating Mom's birthday and she was still alive and preggers with Avery. Is it Throwback Thursday or what?
MORGAN: I dreamed I was having sex with your mother. Ha ha! Just kidding!
KIKI: Do you think this Denise woman really is my mom?
MORGAN: I'd bet the house on it, if I was still into that sort of thing.
WYNDEMERE
VALERIE: Crap! I spilled coffee on my job interview outfit.
NIKOLAS: I've got a book of Cassadine Black Magic that can help with that. What kind of job are you looking for? Alfred's getting on in years, so we may need a new butler soon and I'm a prince of the 21st century, so gender is not an issue.
VALERIE: Thanks, but I'm interviewing at the PCPD. Answering phones and stuff.
NIKOLAS: Well, good luck. Chapter 3 in Cassadine Black Magic has tips on how to make sure you get hired for any job at any time. Just a thought.
ANNA'S ROOM
ANNA: Go away, Ghost Carlos! You're just a bloody ghost!
GHOST CARLOS: Fat chance, murderess! I'm gonna haunt you till the day you're in the bottom of the harbor feeding the fish right along with me. By the way, can I play with Duke's ashes?
ANNA: GO THE HELL AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
GHOST CARLOS: Nah, that would be boring. For me.
ANNA: SHUT UP CARLOS!!!!!
SLOANE: Easy, easy! I come in peace.
ANNA: Sloane? I could have sworn you were my guilt-ridden obnoxious ghost of Carlos Rivera.
SLOANE: Man, you are all screwed up in the head about this. Don't worry. I'll take care of everything. Get this: I phoned in an anonymous tip that Carlos boarded a flight to Madagascar.
ANNA: You are really going to cover my ass like this, Kyle?
SLOANE: I happen to kinda like your ass, so yeah.
PCPD JAIL
SONNY: Hello, Ava.
DENISE: Do those stone cold black eyes of youahs not work? I ain't Ava. I'm Denise DiMuuuuuccio, stylist. Lookin' for more Grecian foahmula? Oah do you mobstah types prefuh shoe polish?
SONNY: You can drop the phony accent, AVA. I know it's you.
DENISE: I heah you have an axe tah grind with dis Ava chick. She offed yah main squeeze: Connie Da Canary. Tough break.
SONNY: It's Falconeri and you know that as well as I do. I'm not amused, Ava. Bad things happen when Sonny Corinthos is not amused.
DENISE: How many times I gotta tell yah! I. Ain't. Ava.
SONNY: Prove it. Show me your right boob.
DENISE: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
PCPD
LULU: What was Valerie doing here yesterday?
VALERIE: Just applying for a job. A girl's gotta make a living, you know.
LULU: I keep learning new things about you every day, cuz. Since when are you a cop?
VALERIE: Since never. I applied to be a receptionist.
DANTE: I'll take good care of her, Lulu.
LULU: (to herself) I bet you will.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: I want a big fat gay wedding! Butterflies, fondue, bottomless booze, the works.
BRAD: Well...
LUCAS: I thought you'd be all over that idea. Especially considering the rather demonstrative way you proposed.
BRAD: What do you say we save some dough and just go before the justice of the peace?
LUCAS: I thought you were cool with my family.
BRAD: It's not YOUR family I'm worried about. Oh look! Here are the DNA tests on that Ava lookalike.
WYNDEMERE
MAYOR LOMAX: We have a problem and his name is Kyle Sloane.
NIKOLAS: You mean the man who helped you steal the mayoral election?
LOMAX: One and the same. Everyone's pissed at me because Sloane's a bumbling idiot. He got the wrong guy for the Lavery murder.
NIKOLAS: I don't know, Mayor Lomax. The guy could sink us if he wanted to.
LOMAX: If you think I'm afraid of him, Mr. Cassadine, you've got another think coming.
PCPD JAIL
SONNY: Nice tattoo. Covers up that gunshot wound scar, AVA.
DENISE: I ain't got shot by no stinkin' gun!
SONNY: Oh yes you did, AVA.
DENISE: Uh UH!
SONNY: Uh HUH!
DENISE: Uh UH!
PCPD
LOMAX: Where's Sloane. I want to fire his ass PRONTO!
DANTE: Your guess is as good as mine, Mayor.
LOMAX: Hmmmmpf!
VALERIE: That woman is SCARY!
LULU: You SURE you want to work here?
ANNA'S ROOM
LOMAX: Knock knock!
ANNA: Dammit! Ghost Carlos again.
SLOANE: If it is, I'll deal with him.
ANNA: And I'll make myself scarce.
SLOANE: Mayor Lomax. What brings you here?
LOMAX: You have to ask? You've been pissing me off BIG TIME!
PCPD
DENISE: Hi Kiki! I kinda sorta wish you were my daughtah! Hi Hot Stuff!
SONNY: So where are the DNA results? When do we get to hear that this floor show is starring none other than Ava Jerome?
LUCAS: I have them right here.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Off The Hook
Jake gives Liz the good news that he's no longer facing a prison sentence, but he's not so sure Sloane will be able to get him off the hook with Julian. Valerie applies for a job at the PCPD. Lulu is suspicious of Nikolas's reaction to Hayden's shooting. Ava's doppelganger Denise gets hauled in for questioning for Ava's crimes and reluctantly agrees to a DNA test. Julian tells Sloane he's out of the mob and that Jake is off the hook. Nina refuses to heed Franco's warning about Ric. Against Jordan's advice, Shawn pleads guilty to attempted murder in Hayden's shooting and decides against telling TJ he's his father.
NINA'S SUITE
NINA: This painting is hideous. You can have it back.
FRANCO: I don't WANT it back, Nina. I gave it to you. It's YOURS.
NINA: (shoves Franco's head through the painting) I don't THINK SO!
FRANCO: Well that gives selfie a whole new meaning. You BROKE the egg salad! Your auntie Liesl is going to be PISSED!
PCPD
VALERIE: Dante, I am SO SORRY about your baby brother! That is SO SAD! Olivia must be DEVASTATED.
DANTE: Thanks for the concern, Valerie. My mom's hanging in there. It's been...rough.
VALERIE: Guess what? I'm applying for a job here so we can work together! Won't that be SUPER FUN? That is, unless it would make Lulu uncomfortable. I can always run this application through the shredder.
DANTE: I don't have a problem with it. Do you have any, I don't know, experience, in law enforcement?
VALERIE: Well, let's see, I majored in criminology...
DANTE: Well, what are you waiting for? Go fill out that application.
WYNDEMERE
LULU: I heard Hayden got shot.
NIKOLAS: Yeah, I heard that too. Tough break.
LULU: You mean you're not beside yourself with worry over your new girlfriend's gunshot wound to the head and possibly irreversible coma? What the HELL, big brother?
NIKOLAS: Hayden and I, well, we weren't all THAT close. It was all about la petit mort, little sis, all about la petit mort.
LULU: Where's my cuz? Did she get lost in the catacombs yet?
NIKOLAS: She went to see Dante.
LULU: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
JULIAN'S PENTHOUSE
SLOANE: Ava Jerome, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand your rights?
DENISE: How many times do I have to tell youse guys I ain't Ava Jerome?
SLOANE: Save it, Ms Jerome. I can see through that wig and that phony accent. Take her away, boys.
DENISE: Youse got the wrong woman, boys. Youse gonna facepalm when youse find out youse just arrested a haihstylist from Brooklyn and not the lady mobstah youse aftah.
SLOANE: While I'm here, I have a favor to ask of you, Julian. Can you let Jake out of your mob?
JULIAN: You must not have gotten the memo, Sloane. There is no more mob. I'm going legit for real this time. Only Derek Wells Media from here on out. Whaddaya think, guys? Should I start calling myself Derek again?
SLOANE: So Jake Doe is off the hook?
JULIAN: Okay.
SLOANE: Awesome. I'll let him know.
JULIAN: Alexis, will you please, pretty please with a cherry on top, be Ava's lawyer, just in case she really is Ava?
ALEXIS: Fine, Damn it!
COURTHOUSE
SHAWN: TJ, I have something to say to you. I am...
BAILIFF: All rise!
SHAWN: (to himself) not going to tell you I'm really your father because I'm getting myself sent to the big house.
SCOTT: So, Butler, are going to take the deal.
RIC: What deal?
SCOTT: (fingers crossed behind back) Oops! Did I forget to tell you about the deal? Sorry, NOT SORRY!
SHAWN: It doesn't matter. I'm not taking it. I plead guilty.
TJ: (to himself) CRAP!
JORDAN: (to herself) CRAP!
SONNY: (to himself) Now THERE'S loyalty!
PCPD
DANTE: Look, lady, you're gonna have to prove you're not Ava. I'm gonna need to take your prints.
DENISE: Don't got any. All those haih chemicals do a numbah on mah fingahs.
DANTE: And you don't wear gloves?
DENISE: Can't. I'm allergic. You know how that goes.
DANTE: Actually I do. So we can get your DNA.
DENISE: Do ya hafta?
DANTE: We can always send you to Pentonville.
DENISE: To wheah?
ALEXIS: The state pen.
DENISE: Fine, you can have mah DNA.
LIZ'S HOUSE
SONNY: Knock knock
LIZ: Sonny?
SONNY: Jake here?
LIZ: Depends. Are you here to blow his head off?
SONNY: Not as long as I hear from him that he didn't kill Duke.
JAKE: I didn't kill Duke. I'm out of the mob now anyway, so you don't have to worry about killing me anymore.
SONNY: You're out? That easy? Come on! You expect me to believe Julian just LET YOU GO?
COURTHOUSE
TJ: Shawn, what were you going to say to me?
SHAWN: I was going to say that I...I was planning to plead guilty. I'm really sorry TJ. I couldn't be more proud of you if I was your own father.
TJ: I'll miss you, man! (weeps)
JORDAN: (weeps along with TJ)
NINA'S SUITE
FRANCO: Ric is only after you for your money.
NINA: I can't get to my money, Franco.
FRANCO: Maybe you can't, but Ric's into this lawyering thing and he's a conniving slimeball, so I'm thinking he might rob you blind. After all, he's having cash flow problems after his fake wife scam fell through.
NINA: Here's an idea. Why don't you take your broken egg salad painting and get lost before my HUSBAND gets home.
NINA'S SUITE
NINA: This painting is hideous. You can have it back.
FRANCO: I don't WANT it back, Nina. I gave it to you. It's YOURS.
NINA: (shoves Franco's head through the painting) I don't THINK SO!
FRANCO: Well that gives selfie a whole new meaning. You BROKE the egg salad! Your auntie Liesl is going to be PISSED!
PCPD
VALERIE: Dante, I am SO SORRY about your baby brother! That is SO SAD! Olivia must be DEVASTATED.
DANTE: Thanks for the concern, Valerie. My mom's hanging in there. It's been...rough.
VALERIE: Guess what? I'm applying for a job here so we can work together! Won't that be SUPER FUN? That is, unless it would make Lulu uncomfortable. I can always run this application through the shredder.
DANTE: I don't have a problem with it. Do you have any, I don't know, experience, in law enforcement?
VALERIE: Well, let's see, I majored in criminology...
DANTE: Well, what are you waiting for? Go fill out that application.
WYNDEMERE
LULU: I heard Hayden got shot.
NIKOLAS: Yeah, I heard that too. Tough break.
LULU: You mean you're not beside yourself with worry over your new girlfriend's gunshot wound to the head and possibly irreversible coma? What the HELL, big brother?
NIKOLAS: Hayden and I, well, we weren't all THAT close. It was all about la petit mort, little sis, all about la petit mort.
LULU: Where's my cuz? Did she get lost in the catacombs yet?
NIKOLAS: She went to see Dante.
LULU: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
JULIAN'S PENTHOUSE
SLOANE: Ava Jerome, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand your rights?
DENISE: How many times do I have to tell youse guys I ain't Ava Jerome?
SLOANE: Save it, Ms Jerome. I can see through that wig and that phony accent. Take her away, boys.
DENISE: Youse got the wrong woman, boys. Youse gonna facepalm when youse find out youse just arrested a haihstylist from Brooklyn and not the lady mobstah youse aftah.
SLOANE: While I'm here, I have a favor to ask of you, Julian. Can you let Jake out of your mob?
JULIAN: You must not have gotten the memo, Sloane. There is no more mob. I'm going legit for real this time. Only Derek Wells Media from here on out. Whaddaya think, guys? Should I start calling myself Derek again?
SLOANE: So Jake Doe is off the hook?
JULIAN: Okay.
SLOANE: Awesome. I'll let him know.
JULIAN: Alexis, will you please, pretty please with a cherry on top, be Ava's lawyer, just in case she really is Ava?
ALEXIS: Fine, Damn it!
COURTHOUSE
SHAWN: TJ, I have something to say to you. I am...
BAILIFF: All rise!
SHAWN: (to himself) not going to tell you I'm really your father because I'm getting myself sent to the big house.
SCOTT: So, Butler, are going to take the deal.
RIC: What deal?
SCOTT: (fingers crossed behind back) Oops! Did I forget to tell you about the deal? Sorry, NOT SORRY!
SHAWN: It doesn't matter. I'm not taking it. I plead guilty.
TJ: (to himself) CRAP!
JORDAN: (to herself) CRAP!
SONNY: (to himself) Now THERE'S loyalty!
PCPD
DANTE: Look, lady, you're gonna have to prove you're not Ava. I'm gonna need to take your prints.
DENISE: Don't got any. All those haih chemicals do a numbah on mah fingahs.
DANTE: And you don't wear gloves?
DENISE: Can't. I'm allergic. You know how that goes.
DANTE: Actually I do. So we can get your DNA.
DENISE: Do ya hafta?
DANTE: We can always send you to Pentonville.
DENISE: To wheah?
ALEXIS: The state pen.
DENISE: Fine, you can have mah DNA.
LIZ'S HOUSE
SONNY: Knock knock
LIZ: Sonny?
SONNY: Jake here?
LIZ: Depends. Are you here to blow his head off?
SONNY: Not as long as I hear from him that he didn't kill Duke.
JAKE: I didn't kill Duke. I'm out of the mob now anyway, so you don't have to worry about killing me anymore.
SONNY: You're out? That easy? Come on! You expect me to believe Julian just LET YOU GO?
COURTHOUSE
TJ: Shawn, what were you going to say to me?
SHAWN: I was going to say that I...I was planning to plead guilty. I'm really sorry TJ. I couldn't be more proud of you if I was your own father.
TJ: I'll miss you, man! (weeps)
JORDAN: (weeps along with TJ)
NINA'S SUITE
FRANCO: Ric is only after you for your money.
NINA: I can't get to my money, Franco.
FRANCO: Maybe you can't, but Ric's into this lawyering thing and he's a conniving slimeball, so I'm thinking he might rob you blind. After all, he's having cash flow problems after his fake wife scam fell through.
NINA: Here's an idea. Why don't you take your broken egg salad painting and get lost before my HUSBAND gets home.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Egg Salad
Vere, oh vere is Dr. Obrecht's prized egg salad painting? Franco confesses to Liesl that he took the painting and gave it to Nina. Nina questions Ric's motives for marrying her. Sonny is shocked to find out that Ric married Nina. Shawn is in disbelief over Jordan's confession that he is TJ's father. Jake tells Carly that he quit working for Sloane. A woman who looks like Ava shows up at Julian's apartment claiming to be Denise, a beautician from Queens, but Julian and his nearest and dearest aren't buying her ruse.
HOSPITAL
LIESL: Vere is my Egg Salad? Zis priceless piece of Franco artwork has been stolen from me!
FRANCO: Relax, Liesl! It was me. I stole the Egg Salad and gave it to Nina as an I'm-sorry-I-thought-you-were-an-unhinged-kidnapper present.
LIESL: YOU gave ZAT MASTERPIECE to NINA? You aah, vat is zat absurd American saying, an Indian givah!
FRANCO: Well, if you want to be politically incorrect about it, okay. But I had to do it to stop Nina from getting married to that skeezeball Ric Lansing.
LIESL: Mistah Lansing married NINA? Zat is hilarious!
FRANCO: What does Nina see in Ric anyway? He's Slimy McSleazepants who hired a fake wife for his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend.
LIESL: It is very simple, Franco. He vants her money. Nina is vat you Americans call loaded.
NINA'S SUITE
NINA: Hey, hubby, I'm confused. Why did you marry me?
RIC: Because everyone thinks we both are psychos, so we immediately had something in common. Common bonds are the foundation of a great relationship, so I just put the cart before the horse a smidgen.
NINA: And here I thought it was because you loved me at first sight.
RIC: I do love you. I love your (to himself) financial (to Nina) assets.
NINA: You love my ass? With all due respect, hubby. You didn't do your research. I never once owned a pet donkey. A horse or two, maybe. Allegra was my favorite. But NEVER a donkey. Or do you mean my booty?
RIC: I meant your eyes. I love how blue they are.
JAIL
SHAWN: I'm not TJ's father, Jordan. Tommy is. Remember Tommy? Your husband? The one I shot?
JORDAN: I lied. YOU are TJ's father. The DNA results say so.
SHAWN: How am I supposed to believe you now? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
JORDAN: Look, Shawn, I know you're SUPER PISSED at me for lying to you about not being an undercover cop. Not that I am an undercover cop anymore. I was fired months ago and I stayed undercover to help Anna, but that's beside the point. TJ needs you, so you need to hand over Sonny and stay the hell out of Pentonville.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
KIKI: Mom! You're alive!
JULIAN: Ava? What the?
DENISE: Youse guys got it wrong. I ain't this Ava woman. I'm just a Brooklyn I-talian from Bensonhurst. Denise DiNuccio.
JULIAN: Nice try, Ava. Lose the wig. I know it's you under there.
SAM: I'm a P.I. and I know it's you, Ava. You're incognito because you're wanted for murder in this town.
DENISE: This is all real entertainin', but I told youse, I ain't Ava. I'm just some chick who looks like huh. Anyone want a blowout? Manicure? Moustache waxin'?
NINA'S SUITE
SONNY: Ric, what the hell?
RIC: Hey, brother, meet my new wife, Nina!
SONNY: Remember how she stole my daughter, Ric? At least once, maybe TWICE!
NINA: Is that any way to talk to your new sister-in-law?
SONNY: Isn't it a little...soon, Ric? You just proposed to Elizabeth, what, five minutes ago?
RIC: And you know how that ended. But all is fair in love and war. Right, wife?
NINA: Sure thing, hubby!
COURTHOUSE
TJ: I'm still SUPER PISSED at my mom for getting Shawn arrested. I mean, she's the one who sent him to me in the first place. He's the closest thing to a dad I've got, man!
MOLLY: Shawn's a great guy, but I don't think your mom wanted to hurt him.
SLOANE: Hey, TJ, your mom's a hero for helping us take down the mob.
TJ: So I hear.
SCOTT: Sonny's going down! I can feel it!
SONNY: I'm here for you, Shawn.
SHAWN: (to himself) TJ or Sonny. Sonny or TJ. What will I do? I'M SO CONFLICTED!!!
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: By all means, Carly, make yourself at home.
CARLY: I'm so glad you're not dead at the hands of Sonny! I begged and pleaded with him not to kill you.
JAKE: Unfortunately, anyone who is next to me is in danger. Just ask my ex fake wife Hayden. Oh, that's right, you can't. She's in a coma.
CARLY: I'm so sorry about that. Not that I even remotely LIKED her, but I didn't want her to be shot in the head or anything.
JAKE: That's my point. It could have been Sam. It could have been Uhlizabeth. It could have been YOU, Carly. That's why I told Sloane I can't be his flunkie anymore. I'm expecting him to bust in here and arrest me on 5,327 murder charges any minute now.
CARLY: I'll call Diane. She's the best mobulawyer there is.
SLOANE: Knock knock!
JAKE: Coming to take me away?
CARLY: Don't you DARE!
SLOANE: Sorry, Jake. I'm not Calgon. Just coming to tell you that you're off the hook for Duke's murder. Carrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrriverrrrrrrra is the triggerman.
JAKE: So I'm not going to the hoosegow? What about Julian? Is he going to be cool with me walking away?
SLOANE: I'll see to it that he is. You're a free man, Jake.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
SLOANE: Knock knock!
LUCAS: Dad, you have company.
SLOANE: I have some business to discuss with you, Julian, but first thing's first: Ava Jerome, you're so BUSTED!
HOSPITAL
LIESL: Vere is my Egg Salad? Zis priceless piece of Franco artwork has been stolen from me!
FRANCO: Relax, Liesl! It was me. I stole the Egg Salad and gave it to Nina as an I'm-sorry-I-thought-you-were-an-unhinged-kidnapper present.
LIESL: YOU gave ZAT MASTERPIECE to NINA? You aah, vat is zat absurd American saying, an Indian givah!
FRANCO: Well, if you want to be politically incorrect about it, okay. But I had to do it to stop Nina from getting married to that skeezeball Ric Lansing.
LIESL: Mistah Lansing married NINA? Zat is hilarious!
FRANCO: What does Nina see in Ric anyway? He's Slimy McSleazepants who hired a fake wife for his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend.
LIESL: It is very simple, Franco. He vants her money. Nina is vat you Americans call loaded.
NINA'S SUITE
NINA: Hey, hubby, I'm confused. Why did you marry me?
RIC: Because everyone thinks we both are psychos, so we immediately had something in common. Common bonds are the foundation of a great relationship, so I just put the cart before the horse a smidgen.
NINA: And here I thought it was because you loved me at first sight.
RIC: I do love you. I love your (to himself) financial (to Nina) assets.
NINA: You love my ass? With all due respect, hubby. You didn't do your research. I never once owned a pet donkey. A horse or two, maybe. Allegra was my favorite. But NEVER a donkey. Or do you mean my booty?
RIC: I meant your eyes. I love how blue they are.
JAIL
SHAWN: I'm not TJ's father, Jordan. Tommy is. Remember Tommy? Your husband? The one I shot?
JORDAN: I lied. YOU are TJ's father. The DNA results say so.
SHAWN: How am I supposed to believe you now? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
JORDAN: Look, Shawn, I know you're SUPER PISSED at me for lying to you about not being an undercover cop. Not that I am an undercover cop anymore. I was fired months ago and I stayed undercover to help Anna, but that's beside the point. TJ needs you, so you need to hand over Sonny and stay the hell out of Pentonville.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
KIKI: Mom! You're alive!
JULIAN: Ava? What the?
DENISE: Youse guys got it wrong. I ain't this Ava woman. I'm just a Brooklyn I-talian from Bensonhurst. Denise DiNuccio.
JULIAN: Nice try, Ava. Lose the wig. I know it's you under there.
SAM: I'm a P.I. and I know it's you, Ava. You're incognito because you're wanted for murder in this town.
DENISE: This is all real entertainin', but I told youse, I ain't Ava. I'm just some chick who looks like huh. Anyone want a blowout? Manicure? Moustache waxin'?
NINA'S SUITE
SONNY: Ric, what the hell?
RIC: Hey, brother, meet my new wife, Nina!
SONNY: Remember how she stole my daughter, Ric? At least once, maybe TWICE!
NINA: Is that any way to talk to your new sister-in-law?
SONNY: Isn't it a little...soon, Ric? You just proposed to Elizabeth, what, five minutes ago?
RIC: And you know how that ended. But all is fair in love and war. Right, wife?
NINA: Sure thing, hubby!
COURTHOUSE
TJ: I'm still SUPER PISSED at my mom for getting Shawn arrested. I mean, she's the one who sent him to me in the first place. He's the closest thing to a dad I've got, man!
MOLLY: Shawn's a great guy, but I don't think your mom wanted to hurt him.
SLOANE: Hey, TJ, your mom's a hero for helping us take down the mob.
TJ: So I hear.
SCOTT: Sonny's going down! I can feel it!
SONNY: I'm here for you, Shawn.
SHAWN: (to himself) TJ or Sonny. Sonny or TJ. What will I do? I'M SO CONFLICTED!!!
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: By all means, Carly, make yourself at home.
CARLY: I'm so glad you're not dead at the hands of Sonny! I begged and pleaded with him not to kill you.
JAKE: Unfortunately, anyone who is next to me is in danger. Just ask my ex fake wife Hayden. Oh, that's right, you can't. She's in a coma.
CARLY: I'm so sorry about that. Not that I even remotely LIKED her, but I didn't want her to be shot in the head or anything.
JAKE: That's my point. It could have been Sam. It could have been Uhlizabeth. It could have been YOU, Carly. That's why I told Sloane I can't be his flunkie anymore. I'm expecting him to bust in here and arrest me on 5,327 murder charges any minute now.
CARLY: I'll call Diane. She's the best mobulawyer there is.
SLOANE: Knock knock!
JAKE: Coming to take me away?
CARLY: Don't you DARE!
SLOANE: Sorry, Jake. I'm not Calgon. Just coming to tell you that you're off the hook for Duke's murder. Carrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrriverrrrrrrra is the triggerman.
JAKE: So I'm not going to the hoosegow? What about Julian? Is he going to be cool with me walking away?
SLOANE: I'll see to it that he is. You're a free man, Jake.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
SLOANE: Knock knock!
LUCAS: Dad, you have company.
SLOANE: I have some business to discuss with you, Julian, but first thing's first: Ava Jerome, you're so BUSTED!
Monday, May 25, 2015
Better Late Than Never
Sorry I didn't blog Friday's show. Life happens. It's gonna be a rather short one, however, focusing heavily on the Ghost Carrrrrrrrlos scenes and snippets of other scenes.
ANNA'S ROOM
GHOST CARLOS: Good morning, Anna. It is I, the ghost of the man you MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD! Carlos Rivera. Yes, I lost my accent somewhere between death and purgatory so I forgot how to roll my Rs. How does it feel knowing that you will NEVER bring my boss to justice?
ANNA: Shut up, Ghost Carlos! SHUT UP!
GHOST CARLOS: You would like that, wouldn't you? But I will NEVER shut up until I am brought to justice. MURDER! MURDER! MURDER!
ANNA: BEGONE YOU SPIRIT OF A MOB GOON!
GHOST CARLOS: I could get used to this ghost thing. After all, I never have to worry about taking my bloody shirt to the dry cleaners. You, on the other hand, YOU have to live with what you did to me.
PCPD JAIL
JORDAN: Good news, Shawn! I cut a deal with Baldwin. You're free as long as you hand the D.A. Sonny's head on a silver platter.
SHAWN: You're just trying to get back into my good graces after you SOLD ME OUT! No deal. Sonny is actually LOYAL to me and I'm loyal to him.
JORDAN: Get over yourself, Shawn! I'm doing this because I actually-factually care about you! You're free as long as you flip on Sonny. TJ needs you because he sure as hell isn't speaking to me.
TJ: That's because you chose your precious CAREER over your own flesh and blood, MOM!
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
JULIAN: (sees Sam, Lucas, Morgan& Kiki) What is this? An intervention?
ALEXIS: It's your family, showing they care about you.
SAM: I'm so sorry, Dad. I just found out.
KIKI: I'm sorry too, Uncle Julian.
MORGAN: I'm just here to support Keeks, but I'm sorry too, for what it's worth.
LUCAS: You didn't deserve this, Dad.
JULIAN: While we're all gathered here, I'd like to make an announcement. The Mob and I are parting ways. For real this time.
ANNA'S ROOM
SABRINA: Sorry for barging in on you, Anna, but what happened to Carrrrrrrrrlos?
GHOST CARLOS: Yeah, what happened to Carlos. Damn, I miss my accent!
ANNA: Carlos is...
GHOST CARLOS: Come on, Anna! Tell her the truth! Tell Sabrina what you DID TO ME!
ANNA: Carlos clocked me and when I came to, there was no sign of him.
GHOST CARLOS: Liar, liar pants on fire!
SABRINA: So he got away? I'm so sorry he attacked you, Anna.
GHOST CARLOS: PFFFFFFT!
ANNA: I've been having these headaches.
GHOST CARLOS: What can I say? A guilty conscience hurts.
SABRINA: Let me be all nursey and take a look.
ANNA: That's okay. I'll just take some Advil.
GHOST CARLOS: And I'll just stick a fork in my eye. I'm dead! What harm can it do?
SABRINA: I hope they find Carlos.
GHOST CARLOS: Who, the scuba divers? They'll find me alright. At the bottom of the harbor.
JAIL
JORDAN: You CAN'T get yourself sent to Pentonville. TJ is your SON!
SHAWN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
EVERYONE WATCHING: Well, DUH!
JULIAN'S PENTHOUSE
AVA: Knock knock!
JULIAN: This day keeps getting weirder and weirder.
AVA: Well, don't y'all just stand there like you've never seen a lady mobster in a wig before!
JULIAN, ALEXIS, SAM, KIKI, MORGAN, LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
ANNA'S ROOM
GHOST CARLOS: Good morning, Anna. It is I, the ghost of the man you MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD! Carlos Rivera. Yes, I lost my accent somewhere between death and purgatory so I forgot how to roll my Rs. How does it feel knowing that you will NEVER bring my boss to justice?
ANNA: Shut up, Ghost Carlos! SHUT UP!
GHOST CARLOS: You would like that, wouldn't you? But I will NEVER shut up until I am brought to justice. MURDER! MURDER! MURDER!
ANNA: BEGONE YOU SPIRIT OF A MOB GOON!
GHOST CARLOS: I could get used to this ghost thing. After all, I never have to worry about taking my bloody shirt to the dry cleaners. You, on the other hand, YOU have to live with what you did to me.
PCPD JAIL
JORDAN: Good news, Shawn! I cut a deal with Baldwin. You're free as long as you hand the D.A. Sonny's head on a silver platter.
SHAWN: You're just trying to get back into my good graces after you SOLD ME OUT! No deal. Sonny is actually LOYAL to me and I'm loyal to him.
JORDAN: Get over yourself, Shawn! I'm doing this because I actually-factually care about you! You're free as long as you flip on Sonny. TJ needs you because he sure as hell isn't speaking to me.
TJ: That's because you chose your precious CAREER over your own flesh and blood, MOM!
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
JULIAN: (sees Sam, Lucas, Morgan& Kiki) What is this? An intervention?
ALEXIS: It's your family, showing they care about you.
SAM: I'm so sorry, Dad. I just found out.
KIKI: I'm sorry too, Uncle Julian.
MORGAN: I'm just here to support Keeks, but I'm sorry too, for what it's worth.
LUCAS: You didn't deserve this, Dad.
JULIAN: While we're all gathered here, I'd like to make an announcement. The Mob and I are parting ways. For real this time.
ANNA'S ROOM
SABRINA: Sorry for barging in on you, Anna, but what happened to Carrrrrrrrrlos?
GHOST CARLOS: Yeah, what happened to Carlos. Damn, I miss my accent!
ANNA: Carlos is...
GHOST CARLOS: Come on, Anna! Tell her the truth! Tell Sabrina what you DID TO ME!
ANNA: Carlos clocked me and when I came to, there was no sign of him.
GHOST CARLOS: Liar, liar pants on fire!
SABRINA: So he got away? I'm so sorry he attacked you, Anna.
GHOST CARLOS: PFFFFFFT!
ANNA: I've been having these headaches.
GHOST CARLOS: What can I say? A guilty conscience hurts.
SABRINA: Let me be all nursey and take a look.
ANNA: That's okay. I'll just take some Advil.
GHOST CARLOS: And I'll just stick a fork in my eye. I'm dead! What harm can it do?
SABRINA: I hope they find Carlos.
GHOST CARLOS: Who, the scuba divers? They'll find me alright. At the bottom of the harbor.
JAIL
JORDAN: You CAN'T get yourself sent to Pentonville. TJ is your SON!
SHAWN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
EVERYONE WATCHING: Well, DUH!
JULIAN'S PENTHOUSE
AVA: Knock knock!
JULIAN: This day keeps getting weirder and weirder.
AVA: Well, don't y'all just stand there like you've never seen a lady mobster in a wig before!
JULIAN, ALEXIS, SAM, KIKI, MORGAN, LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Two By Two
This blog will be a rather short one because today's show was a snoozefest. Jake and Liz talk about Jake quitting his job as Sloane's rat. Sam and Patrick talk about Sam staying away from Jake. Julian and Alexis talk about Julian quitting the mob. Anna and Sloane talk about Duke's death and Anna killing Carrrrrrrrrlos. Sabrina and Michael talk about Puerto Rican food and Carrrrrrrrrrlos. Morgan and Kiki have sex, then talk about their relationship. This was most definitely a filler day.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: Uhlizabeth, I can't be with you because I'm quitting my job as Sloane's rat. Therefore I am going to prison.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
JAKE: Sloane made a deal with me: Get the goods on Julian Jerome or go to prison for all the stuff I did when Helena's chip was in my head.
LIZ: Well THAT totally sucks.
JAKE: Tell me about it. My job put Hayden in a coma.
LIZ: If you have to go to prison to not be a mobster, then let's just have a ton of sex tonight. Are you ready for some Petit Mort?
SAM AND PATRICK'S HOUSE
PATRICK: I don't like you standing next to that bullseye named Jake.
SAM: Who ELSE was I supposed to shoot the breeze with while you were in surgery for, like, 15 hours?
PATRICK: Jake is dangerous and I don't want you to die because some crappy goon can't shoot straight.
SAM: Yeah, that would totally suck.
JULIAN'S PENTHOUSE
JULIAN: Please, please PLEASE stay with me tonight so I don't stick my head in the oven and turn it up to 350. Hell, I'll quit the mob if you spend the night with me.
ALEXIS: You've said that before.
JULIAN: Okay, so giving my notice might take longer than two weeks, but I promise. This time it's for real.
ALEXIS: I really wish I could believe you.
JULIAN: Look, you wanted me to choose between you and the mob. I choose you. Stay with me Alexis. Misery loves company.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
MORGAN: Kiki, let's get back together.
KIKI: But we're so good at being friends.
MORGAN: So, we'll be friends with benefits. No pressure.
KIKI: Okay, I'll get back together with you. Let's have more sex.
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
MICHAEL: Man, that Puerto Rican food is spicy.
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrlos always liked spicy food. I wonder if he's in his jail cell yet. Should I call Anna?
MICHAEL: It's been a long day. Wait until tomorrow.
SABRINA: Michael, thank you for somewhat sort of distracting me from Carrrrrrrrrlos.
MICHAEL: Anytime.
ANNA'S ROOM
ANNA: I miss Duke. I'm a murderer. Lock me up and throw away the key.
SLOANE: I don't wanna send you to prison because I'll miss you. Remember how I kind of sort of have a crush on you?
ANNA: But Jake doesn't deserve to have Sonny gunning for him.
SLOANE: Jake is plenty capable of handling himself. Just ask Helena Cassadine. Get some sleep. You've had a long day.
ANNA: I'll say. Vigilante justice is not all that it's cracked up to be.
SLOANE: Sweet dreams, Anna.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: Uhlizabeth, I can't be with you because I'm quitting my job as Sloane's rat. Therefore I am going to prison.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
JAKE: Sloane made a deal with me: Get the goods on Julian Jerome or go to prison for all the stuff I did when Helena's chip was in my head.
LIZ: Well THAT totally sucks.
JAKE: Tell me about it. My job put Hayden in a coma.
LIZ: If you have to go to prison to not be a mobster, then let's just have a ton of sex tonight. Are you ready for some Petit Mort?
SAM AND PATRICK'S HOUSE
PATRICK: I don't like you standing next to that bullseye named Jake.
SAM: Who ELSE was I supposed to shoot the breeze with while you were in surgery for, like, 15 hours?
PATRICK: Jake is dangerous and I don't want you to die because some crappy goon can't shoot straight.
SAM: Yeah, that would totally suck.
JULIAN'S PENTHOUSE
JULIAN: Please, please PLEASE stay with me tonight so I don't stick my head in the oven and turn it up to 350. Hell, I'll quit the mob if you spend the night with me.
ALEXIS: You've said that before.
JULIAN: Okay, so giving my notice might take longer than two weeks, but I promise. This time it's for real.
ALEXIS: I really wish I could believe you.
JULIAN: Look, you wanted me to choose between you and the mob. I choose you. Stay with me Alexis. Misery loves company.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
MORGAN: Kiki, let's get back together.
KIKI: But we're so good at being friends.
MORGAN: So, we'll be friends with benefits. No pressure.
KIKI: Okay, I'll get back together with you. Let's have more sex.
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
MICHAEL: Man, that Puerto Rican food is spicy.
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrlos always liked spicy food. I wonder if he's in his jail cell yet. Should I call Anna?
MICHAEL: It's been a long day. Wait until tomorrow.
SABRINA: Michael, thank you for somewhat sort of distracting me from Carrrrrrrrrlos.
MICHAEL: Anytime.
ANNA'S ROOM
ANNA: I miss Duke. I'm a murderer. Lock me up and throw away the key.
SLOANE: I don't wanna send you to prison because I'll miss you. Remember how I kind of sort of have a crush on you?
ANNA: But Jake doesn't deserve to have Sonny gunning for him.
SLOANE: Jake is plenty capable of handling himself. Just ask Helena Cassadine. Get some sleep. You've had a long day.
ANNA: I'll say. Vigilante justice is not all that it's cracked up to be.
SLOANE: Sweet dreams, Anna.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Stay With Me...
...Says Julian to Alexis, who learns that Gin Baby "died". TweedleMorgan and TweedleKiki fight over whose fault it is that Crypt Baby is back with Michael. Olivia starts out lying to Dante about Gin Baby but decides to tell him the truth. Jake and Sam bond over Sam's con-woman past while waiting to hear news on Hayden. Anna and Sloane get rid of the evidence of the dearly or not-so-dearly departed Carrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrrrriverrrrrrrra as Liz returns from Wyndemere. Michael and Sabrina go on their second date, ordering in at her apartment as she awaits news on Carrrrrrrrrrlos. Patrick tells Jake, Sam, and Liz that Hayden is in a coma.
HOSPITAL
DANTE: Hi Mom, how's my microscopic baby bro?
OLIVIA: (fake crying) He's...He's...gone! Never mind. He's still alive.
DANTE: Ma, you're killing me! Which is it?
OLIVIA: He's alive, but he's been whisked away to a private hospital. Julian thinks he's dead.
DANTE: Oooooookay, how did you swing that?
OLIVIA: Ned's bank account and Dr. Obrecht's appreciation of said bank account. Ned's looking out for the baby. We had to protect him from Julian, Dante. It was the only way.
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
SABRINA: OMG, Michael, I'm so sorry I COMPLETELY forgot about our second date. I was too busy worrying about Carrrrrrrrrrlos. If Anna arrested him, it should be on the news, right?
MICHAEL: You would think, but escaped tigers might take precedence over Julian Jerome's favorite goon.
SABRINA: It's been HOURS since I pointed Anna in Carrrrrrrrrlos's direction. Sorry for going on about Carrrrrrrlos. You didn't come over here to hear about my mobster ex.
MICHAEL: We can order some noodles or pizza and eat here.
SABRINA: Michael, you're the best boss-turned-possible-boyfriend EVER!
HOSPITAL
JAKE: How long does brain surgery last? I mean, I know I've HAD my share of brain surgery, but it wasn't like I was looking at my watch on the table wondering when it was going to be over.
SAM: You're really worried about your fake wife, aren't you?
JAKE: The whole fake wife thing wasn't ALL her fault. Ric had a little something to do with it. Besides, Hayden was broke.
SAM: I can relate. Once upon of time, I was a con woman myself.
JAKE: It just got real.
SAM: I left a trail of fake husbands in my wake. Hayden's got nothing on me.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
JULIAN: Come out with your hands up!
ALEXIS: You can drop the gun, Julian. I'm only here to get my stuff.
JULIAN: And here I thought you changed your mind.
ALEXIS: No, I'm still pissed at you for doing your mob doings. Are you okay, Julian?
JULIAN: My baby boy is dead and all I have of him is this bracelet.
ALEXIS: He's...OMG, Julian, I'm so sorry! Are you sure this isn't some scam Olivia and Ned are pulling?
JULIAN: The thought did occur to me, but then Obrecht showed me his remains. He was accidentally cremated.
ALEXIS: You should sue.
JULIAN: I'm a mob boss. I'm loaded. Besides, suing the hospital won't bring my son back.
ALEXIS: I'd better grab my stuff and let you grieve in peace.
JULIAN: Stay with me, Alexis. Stay with me.
PIER
SLOANE: We need to get rid of all the evidence of dead Carrrrrrrrlos. I dumped his body in the harbor. Now we have to wash away the blood.
ANNA: I still can't believe Duke is gone.
SLOANE: I still can't believe you killed the guy who could put Julian away, but we move on. Grab a bucket. We have blood stains to take care of.
LIZ: Did I hear someone mention blood? OMG, Anna, I'm so sorry about Duke. I know you guys think Jake did it but he didn't. He was busy having some petit mort with me. What's going on here? Are you investigating the shooting?
ANNA: Shooting?
LIZ: Sonny sent Shawn to kill Jake and he hit someone else instead. Someone who knows something that can ruin my life. Well, I gotta go back to the hospital to see how said someone is doing.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
KIKI: I'm so TOTALLY pissed at you, Morgan. You COERCED me into following your STUPID PLAN to drug Michael and NOW he had Avery again.
MORGAN: Um, Kiki, did you skip the part where I held a gun to your head and made you got along with said stupid plan? You were ALL FOR getting Avery back by any means necessary.
KIKI: And now where is she? Back with MICHAEL because he traded our freedom for custody of MY LITTLE SISTER!
MORGAN: At least we're not in P-ville right now.
KIKI: No thanks to YOU!
MORGAN: I'm so turned on by your pissed-offedness. (Kisses Kiki and their heads bang together, Three Stooges-style. Okay, so the head banging didn't happen but man, those two are dumb!)
PIER
SLOANE: Well, we took care of most of the blood stains. Forecast calls for rain, so we can let Mother Nature take care of the rest. Let's get out of here, Anna.
ANNA: I'm feeling so morose right now. But thank you, Kyle, for saving my ass.
SLOANE: Aw shucks, Anna! It seems ol' Faison's affection for you is contagious. Or it left him and transferred to me. Let's go back to your hotel room. I could use another shower to get Carrrrrlos off of me.
CARRRRRRRRLOS'S BLOOD: Good luck with that.
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Hayden's alive, but she's in a coma. Things aren't looking so good.
JAKE and SAM: Oh no!
LIZ: (to herself): Phew! The Secret lives on!
Wishing a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Constance Towers, who is quite the opposite of Helena in real life, but who makes her character deliciously evil whenever she's on-screen! She is as gorgeous and gracious as ever.
HOSPITAL
DANTE: Hi Mom, how's my microscopic baby bro?
OLIVIA: (fake crying) He's...He's...gone! Never mind. He's still alive.
DANTE: Ma, you're killing me! Which is it?
OLIVIA: He's alive, but he's been whisked away to a private hospital. Julian thinks he's dead.
DANTE: Oooooookay, how did you swing that?
OLIVIA: Ned's bank account and Dr. Obrecht's appreciation of said bank account. Ned's looking out for the baby. We had to protect him from Julian, Dante. It was the only way.
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
SABRINA: OMG, Michael, I'm so sorry I COMPLETELY forgot about our second date. I was too busy worrying about Carrrrrrrrrrlos. If Anna arrested him, it should be on the news, right?
MICHAEL: You would think, but escaped tigers might take precedence over Julian Jerome's favorite goon.
SABRINA: It's been HOURS since I pointed Anna in Carrrrrrrrrlos's direction. Sorry for going on about Carrrrrrrlos. You didn't come over here to hear about my mobster ex.
MICHAEL: We can order some noodles or pizza and eat here.
SABRINA: Michael, you're the best boss-turned-possible-boyfriend EVER!
HOSPITAL
JAKE: How long does brain surgery last? I mean, I know I've HAD my share of brain surgery, but it wasn't like I was looking at my watch on the table wondering when it was going to be over.
SAM: You're really worried about your fake wife, aren't you?
JAKE: The whole fake wife thing wasn't ALL her fault. Ric had a little something to do with it. Besides, Hayden was broke.
SAM: I can relate. Once upon of time, I was a con woman myself.
JAKE: It just got real.
SAM: I left a trail of fake husbands in my wake. Hayden's got nothing on me.
JULIAN'S APARTMENT
JULIAN: Come out with your hands up!
ALEXIS: You can drop the gun, Julian. I'm only here to get my stuff.
JULIAN: And here I thought you changed your mind.
ALEXIS: No, I'm still pissed at you for doing your mob doings. Are you okay, Julian?
JULIAN: My baby boy is dead and all I have of him is this bracelet.
ALEXIS: He's...OMG, Julian, I'm so sorry! Are you sure this isn't some scam Olivia and Ned are pulling?
JULIAN: The thought did occur to me, but then Obrecht showed me his remains. He was accidentally cremated.
ALEXIS: You should sue.
JULIAN: I'm a mob boss. I'm loaded. Besides, suing the hospital won't bring my son back.
ALEXIS: I'd better grab my stuff and let you grieve in peace.
JULIAN: Stay with me, Alexis. Stay with me.
PIER
SLOANE: We need to get rid of all the evidence of dead Carrrrrrrrlos. I dumped his body in the harbor. Now we have to wash away the blood.
ANNA: I still can't believe Duke is gone.
SLOANE: I still can't believe you killed the guy who could put Julian away, but we move on. Grab a bucket. We have blood stains to take care of.
LIZ: Did I hear someone mention blood? OMG, Anna, I'm so sorry about Duke. I know you guys think Jake did it but he didn't. He was busy having some petit mort with me. What's going on here? Are you investigating the shooting?
ANNA: Shooting?
LIZ: Sonny sent Shawn to kill Jake and he hit someone else instead. Someone who knows something that can ruin my life. Well, I gotta go back to the hospital to see how said someone is doing.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
KIKI: I'm so TOTALLY pissed at you, Morgan. You COERCED me into following your STUPID PLAN to drug Michael and NOW he had Avery again.
MORGAN: Um, Kiki, did you skip the part where I held a gun to your head and made you got along with said stupid plan? You were ALL FOR getting Avery back by any means necessary.
KIKI: And now where is she? Back with MICHAEL because he traded our freedom for custody of MY LITTLE SISTER!
MORGAN: At least we're not in P-ville right now.
KIKI: No thanks to YOU!
MORGAN: I'm so turned on by your pissed-offedness. (Kisses Kiki and their heads bang together, Three Stooges-style. Okay, so the head banging didn't happen but man, those two are dumb!)
PIER
SLOANE: Well, we took care of most of the blood stains. Forecast calls for rain, so we can let Mother Nature take care of the rest. Let's get out of here, Anna.
ANNA: I'm feeling so morose right now. But thank you, Kyle, for saving my ass.
SLOANE: Aw shucks, Anna! It seems ol' Faison's affection for you is contagious. Or it left him and transferred to me. Let's go back to your hotel room. I could use another shower to get Carrrrrlos off of me.
CARRRRRRRRLOS'S BLOOD: Good luck with that.
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Hayden's alive, but she's in a coma. Things aren't looking so good.
JAKE and SAM: Oh no!
LIZ: (to herself): Phew! The Secret lives on!
Wishing a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Constance Towers, who is quite the opposite of Helena in real life, but who makes her character deliciously evil whenever she's on-screen! She is as gorgeous and gracious as ever.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Back To Business As Usual
The two live shows were fun, but it's back to the land of the pre-taped today. Nina's wedded bliss is cut short by Ric being called to duty. Lawyers gotta lawyer. Valerie overhears Nik talking to his goon about eliminating Hayden. Liz is very nervous about Hayden spilling the truth to Jake before she goes in for surgery. Ned and Olivia tell Julian that Gin Baby has died. Julian is skeptical and asks to see the body. Dr. O says that the baby was cremated. Once Julian is out of earshot, we learn that Gin Baby lives and he was transported to, presumably, another hospital in exchange for Ned donating some Quartermaine $$$ to the hospital. Carly and Sonny argue about Jake. Jordan comes clean to TJ about being undercover.
NINA'S SUITE
NINA: Scram, Franco! Ric and I have to consummate our marriage.
FRANCO: That's hilarious.
NINA: I mean it, Franco! Get lost! YOU thought I was a crazy kidnapper. Ric didn't. He wins. You LOSE! Deal with it.
RIC: Sorry, new wife o' mine, but duty calls. I have to go do my lawyering thing for my brother's goon.
NINA: No problem, HUBBY! See, Ric and I UNDERSTAND each other.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: Where's my kid?
EPIPHANY: What you looking at ME for? I don't keep track of your adult children, Mr. Jerome. If Sam or Lucas wanted you to know where they were, they'd have told you.
JULIAN: I'm talking about my premature baby son. Look, I know he's microscopic and invisible to the human eye, but someone took him from this NICU and I wanna know where he is!
EPIPHANY: Ask his parents. Mr. Ashton and Ms. Falconeri are right over there.
WYNDEMERE:
NIKOLAS: Are you sure Hayden's good and dead?
GOON: I put a bullet in her brain, Mr. Cassadine. Any more questions?
NIKOLAS: As long as she has been silenced, we're in the clear. She knows some very damaging information.
GOON: It's been taken care of. Can I get back to crushing candy now?
VALERIE: What's this about Hayden?
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: You don't understand, Sonny! Jake did not kill Duke. He's only working for the Jeromes because it's the only way out of all of those murder charges--
SONNY: Gotta take this call, Carly. (Picks up his phone) Ric, what's up?
RIC: (over the phone) Shawn's got himself into some trouble. He shot Hayden Barnes when he was supposed to shoot Jake.
SONNY: Say WHAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Hey Jake, your fake wife wants to talk to you.
LIZ: Don't go, Jake. Let Hayden rest before her brain surgery.
SAM: Don't listen to Elizabeth, Jake. Hear what Hayden has to say about who you really are.
JAKE: I think I'll listen to Sam this time. Sorry, Uhlizabeth.
SAM: Whatsa matter, Elizabeth? Afraid you're gonna lose your Jakey-poo? He might have a REAL wife out there. Maybe even a kid.
LIZ: Mind your own business, SAM!
PCPD
JORDAN: Blame me for arresting me all you want, Shawn, but YOU chose to work for Sonny.
SHAWN: You are SO DEAD TO ME, Jordan. Once TJ finds out you lied to him, you'll be dead to him too.
JORDAN: Save it, Shawn. TJ will be GLAD I'm on the right side of the law instead of being a drug-dealing mobster.
HOSPITAL
NED: Sorry, Julian, but the baby got an infection and died.
JULIAN: Yeah, and I'm the king of France. I bet you had that kid spirited away somewhere to keep him away from me.
OLIVIA: (sobbing) It's...true...Julian. He's...dead...and I...didn't have...the chance...to give him...a...name...yet.
JULIAN: I want to see him.
NED: Would we lie to you....Never mind. Go ahead. Hey, Dr. Obrecht!
LIESL: Yes, Mr. Ashton? How may I be of service to you?
NED: Julian, here, wants to see his dear, departed son.
LIESL: I am afraid zat is impossible. Ze baby has been cremated.
NED: (fingers crossed behind back) Say WHAAAAAAT?
LIESL: Zere vas a mistake and I am very sorry.
JULIAN: Look, I just want to see my kid, in whatever form he might be in right now. Point me to his urn, please, doctor.
LIESL: Ze ashes are in ze morgue. I am so very sorry, Mr. Jerome.
NINA'S SUITE
FRANCO: Now that Rickerydickerydock is gone, I can make this mistake of a marriage disappear.
NINA: Well, who's out of touch with reality now? The marriage was NOT a mistake, FRANCO and you need to leave before I call CARLY and have HER kick your ass out of here.
FRANCO: Maybe your Auntie Liesl was right about you, crazypants!
NINA: Get OUT and take your HIDEOUS PAINTING with you.
FRANCO: It's not MY hideous painting. IT'S MY MOTHER'S! I SAVED YOUR WACKADOO ASS FROM HER!
NINA: See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!
HOSPITAL
JAKE: I feel bad. Hayden had a seizure when she was trying to tell me who I really am.
LIZ: (to herself) Whew! Dodged one there!
SAM: Don't worry, Jake. Patrick is the BESTEST BRAIN SURGEON IN THE WORLD!
JAKE: Hayden got shot because of me.
SAM: Hayden was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
LIZ: I'll say she was!
WYNDEMERE
VALERIE: Sorry for interrupting. I was looking for my copy of "A Field Guide To The Spoon Island Catacombs," just in case I should, I don't know, accidently find myself in an underground labyrinth here.
NIKOLAS: No worries. I was the one to say make yourself at home.
VALERIE: What was that I overheard about making Hayden disappear?
NIKOLAS: She was a most disruptive houseguest. I wanted to make sure my security guy kept her out of your hair.
LIZ: Nikolas, I need to either talk to you or bitch-slap you. Vanessa, do you mind?
VALERIE: It's Valerie, and I'll get out of your way.
LIZ: So, I was at the hospital and who shows up with a gunshot to the head but our mutual enemy Hayden Barnes?
NIKOLAS: Get out of town! Hayden got SHOT? Is she going to make it?
LIZ: Patrick is performing brain surgery on her as we speak.
NIKOLAS: Remember what happened when Patrick operated on Jake? His memory was zapped. Stranger things have happened. Maybe Hayden wakes up thinking she's my grandmother and I can have HER exiled to Greece too.
JORDAN'S APARTMENT
JORDAN: I'm sorry I had to lie to you about being a cop, TJ, but it was for your own good.
TJ: By the way, MOM, thanks for ARRESTING MY FATHER FIGURE!
JORDAN: He was collateral damage, TJ. I was trying to bring down Julian and Sonny.
TJ: I'm pissed, Mom! I'm REALLY, REALLY SUPER PISSED at you, Mom. You LIED to me my WHOLE LIFE!
JORDAN: So you'd rather I be a mobster and a drug dealer? I thought you would be relieved that I'm on the RIGHT SIDE of the law.
TJ: Not if you had to throw Shawn under the bus to get there.
HOSPITAL
NED: Thanks, Dr. Obrecht. I think we convinced Julian
LIESL: You will be happy to know that ze baby has been transported and he is getting excellent care. Sank you for your donation to zis hospital, Mr. Ashton.
OLIVIA: Poor Julian. He thinks his son is reduce to ashes in an urn.
NED: It's for the best, Liv. The kid won't get caught in Julian and Sonny's crossfire now. He is safe.
NINA'S SUITE
NINA: Scram, Franco! Ric and I have to consummate our marriage.
FRANCO: That's hilarious.
NINA: I mean it, Franco! Get lost! YOU thought I was a crazy kidnapper. Ric didn't. He wins. You LOSE! Deal with it.
RIC: Sorry, new wife o' mine, but duty calls. I have to go do my lawyering thing for my brother's goon.
NINA: No problem, HUBBY! See, Ric and I UNDERSTAND each other.
HOSPITAL
JULIAN: Where's my kid?
EPIPHANY: What you looking at ME for? I don't keep track of your adult children, Mr. Jerome. If Sam or Lucas wanted you to know where they were, they'd have told you.
JULIAN: I'm talking about my premature baby son. Look, I know he's microscopic and invisible to the human eye, but someone took him from this NICU and I wanna know where he is!
EPIPHANY: Ask his parents. Mr. Ashton and Ms. Falconeri are right over there.
WYNDEMERE:
NIKOLAS: Are you sure Hayden's good and dead?
GOON: I put a bullet in her brain, Mr. Cassadine. Any more questions?
NIKOLAS: As long as she has been silenced, we're in the clear. She knows some very damaging information.
GOON: It's been taken care of. Can I get back to crushing candy now?
VALERIE: What's this about Hayden?
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: You don't understand, Sonny! Jake did not kill Duke. He's only working for the Jeromes because it's the only way out of all of those murder charges--
SONNY: Gotta take this call, Carly. (Picks up his phone) Ric, what's up?
RIC: (over the phone) Shawn's got himself into some trouble. He shot Hayden Barnes when he was supposed to shoot Jake.
SONNY: Say WHAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Hey Jake, your fake wife wants to talk to you.
LIZ: Don't go, Jake. Let Hayden rest before her brain surgery.
SAM: Don't listen to Elizabeth, Jake. Hear what Hayden has to say about who you really are.
JAKE: I think I'll listen to Sam this time. Sorry, Uhlizabeth.
SAM: Whatsa matter, Elizabeth? Afraid you're gonna lose your Jakey-poo? He might have a REAL wife out there. Maybe even a kid.
LIZ: Mind your own business, SAM!
PCPD
JORDAN: Blame me for arresting me all you want, Shawn, but YOU chose to work for Sonny.
SHAWN: You are SO DEAD TO ME, Jordan. Once TJ finds out you lied to him, you'll be dead to him too.
JORDAN: Save it, Shawn. TJ will be GLAD I'm on the right side of the law instead of being a drug-dealing mobster.
HOSPITAL
NED: Sorry, Julian, but the baby got an infection and died.
JULIAN: Yeah, and I'm the king of France. I bet you had that kid spirited away somewhere to keep him away from me.
OLIVIA: (sobbing) It's...true...Julian. He's...dead...and I...didn't have...the chance...to give him...a...name...yet.
JULIAN: I want to see him.
NED: Would we lie to you....Never mind. Go ahead. Hey, Dr. Obrecht!
LIESL: Yes, Mr. Ashton? How may I be of service to you?
NED: Julian, here, wants to see his dear, departed son.
LIESL: I am afraid zat is impossible. Ze baby has been cremated.
NED: (fingers crossed behind back) Say WHAAAAAAT?
LIESL: Zere vas a mistake and I am very sorry.
JULIAN: Look, I just want to see my kid, in whatever form he might be in right now. Point me to his urn, please, doctor.
LIESL: Ze ashes are in ze morgue. I am so very sorry, Mr. Jerome.
NINA'S SUITE
FRANCO: Now that Rickerydickerydock is gone, I can make this mistake of a marriage disappear.
NINA: Well, who's out of touch with reality now? The marriage was NOT a mistake, FRANCO and you need to leave before I call CARLY and have HER kick your ass out of here.
FRANCO: Maybe your Auntie Liesl was right about you, crazypants!
NINA: Get OUT and take your HIDEOUS PAINTING with you.
FRANCO: It's not MY hideous painting. IT'S MY MOTHER'S! I SAVED YOUR WACKADOO ASS FROM HER!
NINA: See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!
HOSPITAL
JAKE: I feel bad. Hayden had a seizure when she was trying to tell me who I really am.
LIZ: (to herself) Whew! Dodged one there!
SAM: Don't worry, Jake. Patrick is the BESTEST BRAIN SURGEON IN THE WORLD!
JAKE: Hayden got shot because of me.
SAM: Hayden was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
LIZ: I'll say she was!
WYNDEMERE
VALERIE: Sorry for interrupting. I was looking for my copy of "A Field Guide To The Spoon Island Catacombs," just in case I should, I don't know, accidently find myself in an underground labyrinth here.
NIKOLAS: No worries. I was the one to say make yourself at home.
VALERIE: What was that I overheard about making Hayden disappear?
NIKOLAS: She was a most disruptive houseguest. I wanted to make sure my security guy kept her out of your hair.
LIZ: Nikolas, I need to either talk to you or bitch-slap you. Vanessa, do you mind?
VALERIE: It's Valerie, and I'll get out of your way.
LIZ: So, I was at the hospital and who shows up with a gunshot to the head but our mutual enemy Hayden Barnes?
NIKOLAS: Get out of town! Hayden got SHOT? Is she going to make it?
LIZ: Patrick is performing brain surgery on her as we speak.
NIKOLAS: Remember what happened when Patrick operated on Jake? His memory was zapped. Stranger things have happened. Maybe Hayden wakes up thinking she's my grandmother and I can have HER exiled to Greece too.
JORDAN'S APARTMENT
JORDAN: I'm sorry I had to lie to you about being a cop, TJ, but it was for your own good.
TJ: By the way, MOM, thanks for ARRESTING MY FATHER FIGURE!
JORDAN: He was collateral damage, TJ. I was trying to bring down Julian and Sonny.
TJ: I'm pissed, Mom! I'm REALLY, REALLY SUPER PISSED at you, Mom. You LIED to me my WHOLE LIFE!
JORDAN: So you'd rather I be a mobster and a drug dealer? I thought you would be relieved that I'm on the RIGHT SIDE of the law.
TJ: Not if you had to throw Shawn under the bus to get there.
HOSPITAL
NED: Thanks, Dr. Obrecht. I think we convinced Julian
LIESL: You will be happy to know that ze baby has been transported and he is getting excellent care. Sank you for your donation to zis hospital, Mr. Ashton.
OLIVIA: Poor Julian. He thinks his son is reduce to ashes in an urn.
NED: It's for the best, Liv. The kid won't get caught in Julian and Sonny's crossfire now. He is safe.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Live! Part II: Gunshots And A Wedding
Poor Carrrrrrrlos! His Zabrrrrrrrrrrrina will be so devastated! Fear not, Sabrina! Carrrrrrrrlos lives, only he has to go back four and a half decades to do so and join a California Commune to teach Don Draper how to meditate. Yes, Jeffrey Vincent Parise, our beloved Carrrrrrlos, was on the series finale of Mad Men and I recognized him immediately. "That's Carrrrrrrrlos," I said as I was watching Don try to find inner peace at a New Age yoga and meditation retreat. But that's another show, and one I will miss greatly...
Back in Port Chuckles, Nina wasn't marrying George Glass after all. She's marrying Ric Lansing, fresh off being outed at the Nurses' Ball for paying Hayden to be Jake's fake wife. Apparently Nina and Ric commiserated at the Floating Rib over being town pariahs. At the garage, Hayden was about to spill it to Jake and Sam when gunshots rang out and Hayden took one to the head. Was Shawn the shooter, or was it Nik's goon? Meanwhile, Liz is ripping Nikolas a new one after letting Hayden loose to spill the truth to Jake about being Jason. Sloane's got it bad for Anna and he wants to help her cover up Carrrrrrrrrrlos's murder.
NINA'S SUITE
NINA: Remember when I said I was marrying George Glass in some bizarre Brady Bunch flashback? I was totally just kidding. I'm marrying Ric Lansing!
FRANCO: Since when do you guys even KNOW each other?
RIC: Since five minutes ago! We met each other at The Floating Rib after I got dumped by Elizabeth at the Nurses' Ball and she was fed up with YOU accusing her of stealing that baby.
NINA: Go Ric! Go Ric! Go Go Go Ric!
FRANCO: I never actually ACCUSED you of stealing that baby. I merely suspected---
NINA: You TOTALLY accused me of stealing Baby AJ. You DUMPED my PURSE onto the CHAIR!
FRANCO: But I gave you that awesome Egg Salad painting as an apology present.
NINA: That hideous striped thing your LSD-happy mother painted? Puh-LEASE!
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Hey, Carly, just a heads up, but I ordered a hit on your buddy Jake.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAT?
GARAGE
HAYDEN: I know you're not going to believe me when I say this, but I actually-factually know who you REALLY are.
JAKE: Where have I heard that before? No, seriously, I don't remember. Stupid brain damage!
HAYDEN: Basically, I know your true identity and I can tell you if you let me. If not, I can always squeeze more of La Petit Mort out of a certain prince who lives in a castle with a moat.
JAKE: What if I don't give a crap who I really am? Have you ever thought of that, fake wife wannabe?
HAYDEN: Maybe YOU don't care who you are, but Sam might. I'll just tell her.
JAKE: GET DOWN!
OUTSIDE GARAGE
SHAWN: I shot someone. I just don't know who.
JORDAN: Go figure.
JAKE: Hey, who's been shooting at innocent women? Okay, innocent might not be the first word I use to describe Hayden, but she's got a bullet in her head.
SHAWN: I wasn't trying to shoot some Hayden woman. I wanted to fry YOUR ass!
JAKE: Would you care to acquaint yourself with a crowbar?
COPS: FREEZE!
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: You have to call off the hit. Jake didn't kill Duke. Don't you know there's a six-month waiting period for new mob recruits to carry off hits? Jake's only been at it for, what, three months? Therefore he is totally innocent.
SONNY: That's not what Julian said. He swore it was Jake who did it. Duke's DEAD, Carly and I have to avenge his death.
CARLY: Only because YOU put Duke in harm's way when you stepped down as head of the Corinthos mob.
SONNY: You might recall I was in P-ville for part of the time. Then, I had to stay away from the mob for my baby daughter's sake.
CARLY: Still, you can't go shooting innocent people and Jake is innocent because I SAID SO!
SONNY: Well, if Carly said so, then it must be true. NOT!
NINA'S SUITE
FRANCO: Hey Nina! I have an idea. Why don't you marry ME instead? After all, I injected myself with LSD just so I could be with YOU in the nuthouse.
NINA: Well, there's that, but you also still think I'm bonkers enough to kidnap a baby.
FRANCO: Come on, Nina. Obrecht's accent did a number on me. It has that kind of effect on people, you know.
NINA: Which is why I'm marrying Ric. HE has never met my scary aunt Liesl.
RIC: It's all in who you DON'T know, right Nina?
FRANCO: But...But...We're partners in craz--I mean CRIME! You're Bonnie and I'm Clyde. This chump, he doesn't look like a Clyde to me. I'M your Clyde, Nina. Marry ME!
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: So, we have a bride, but who's the groom?
FRANCO & RIC: I AM!
GARAGE
HAYDEN: I...Someone else...knows...who...Jake...
SAM: Hayden, the ambulance is on the way. Stay with me. What about Jake's true identity?
OUTSIDE GARAGE
JORDAN: Sorry, Shawn, but I am a cop and I saw you shoot...well, whoever ended up being shot.
SHAWN: You BETRAYED me, Jordan! I will NEVER forgive you. You never truly loved me.
JAKE: Hey, cops, get the hell in there! A woman is dying! Chop chop!
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: I know why you sent Hayden to rat us out to Jake. YOU STILL WANT ME!
NIKOLAS: You flatter yourself. I wanted Hayden out of my life. All that Petit Mort was really a nuisance.
LIZ: You totally sold me out and I will NOT forgive you for this.
NIKOLAS: It's for the best, Liz. No more lies. No more 24/7 demands for sex. I'm free to fall in love with the next damsel in distress who is starstruck by my title and my mansion.
LIZ: But what about ELQ?
NIKOLAS: Screw ELQ! The price is too high.
PIER
SLOANE: I smell dead Carrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrriverrrrrra! Great job, Anna. You killed the only guy who could testify against Jerome.
ANNA: So arrest me, then! I know you want to. Slap those cuffs on me, Sloane.
SLOANE: Nah. Prison bars would kill our smoldering sexual tension.
ANNA: So you're going to help me cover this up?
SLOANE: First thing's first. We have to move this body.
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Earth to Elizabeth? What's up? No scrubs. Staring at the computer like you've never seen one before in your life. I'm going to venture a guess that you've been having a bad day.
LIZ: It's complicated.
PARAMEDICS: GSW victim coming through! Female, mid 30s, looks like that fake wife we saw on the Nurses' Ball coverage on Access Port Chuckles.
JAKE: Hayden's been shot.
LIZ: I thought you two were history. What was she doing at the garage?
JAKE: She had something she needed to tell me and Sam. Do you think she'll pull though.
LIZ: If I have anything to do with it--
PATRICK: Stay out of the cubicle, Elizabeth!
NINA'S SUITE
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: Is there anyone here who can give a reason why these two should not be married.
FRANCO: ME! ME! ME! This guy is scum and I am the one Nina really loves, right Nina?
NINA: WRONG! I do! I'll be your wife, Ric!
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: You may now kiss the bride.
FRANCO: NO FAIR!
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS'S GOON: Mission accomplished! Get his, Sonny's #1 goon Shawn Butler's taking the fall. He was aiming for Hayden's former pretend hubby.
NIKOLAS: Excellent work! How very Cassadine of me. Now that Hayden has been silenced, Liz can thank me later.
Back in Port Chuckles, Nina wasn't marrying George Glass after all. She's marrying Ric Lansing, fresh off being outed at the Nurses' Ball for paying Hayden to be Jake's fake wife. Apparently Nina and Ric commiserated at the Floating Rib over being town pariahs. At the garage, Hayden was about to spill it to Jake and Sam when gunshots rang out and Hayden took one to the head. Was Shawn the shooter, or was it Nik's goon? Meanwhile, Liz is ripping Nikolas a new one after letting Hayden loose to spill the truth to Jake about being Jason. Sloane's got it bad for Anna and he wants to help her cover up Carrrrrrrrrrlos's murder.
NINA'S SUITE
NINA: Remember when I said I was marrying George Glass in some bizarre Brady Bunch flashback? I was totally just kidding. I'm marrying Ric Lansing!
FRANCO: Since when do you guys even KNOW each other?
RIC: Since five minutes ago! We met each other at The Floating Rib after I got dumped by Elizabeth at the Nurses' Ball and she was fed up with YOU accusing her of stealing that baby.
NINA: Go Ric! Go Ric! Go Go Go Ric!
FRANCO: I never actually ACCUSED you of stealing that baby. I merely suspected---
NINA: You TOTALLY accused me of stealing Baby AJ. You DUMPED my PURSE onto the CHAIR!
FRANCO: But I gave you that awesome Egg Salad painting as an apology present.
NINA: That hideous striped thing your LSD-happy mother painted? Puh-LEASE!
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Hey, Carly, just a heads up, but I ordered a hit on your buddy Jake.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAT?
GARAGE
HAYDEN: I know you're not going to believe me when I say this, but I actually-factually know who you REALLY are.
JAKE: Where have I heard that before? No, seriously, I don't remember. Stupid brain damage!
HAYDEN: Basically, I know your true identity and I can tell you if you let me. If not, I can always squeeze more of La Petit Mort out of a certain prince who lives in a castle with a moat.
JAKE: What if I don't give a crap who I really am? Have you ever thought of that, fake wife wannabe?
HAYDEN: Maybe YOU don't care who you are, but Sam might. I'll just tell her.
JAKE: GET DOWN!
OUTSIDE GARAGE
SHAWN: I shot someone. I just don't know who.
JORDAN: Go figure.
JAKE: Hey, who's been shooting at innocent women? Okay, innocent might not be the first word I use to describe Hayden, but she's got a bullet in her head.
SHAWN: I wasn't trying to shoot some Hayden woman. I wanted to fry YOUR ass!
JAKE: Would you care to acquaint yourself with a crowbar?
COPS: FREEZE!
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: You have to call off the hit. Jake didn't kill Duke. Don't you know there's a six-month waiting period for new mob recruits to carry off hits? Jake's only been at it for, what, three months? Therefore he is totally innocent.
SONNY: That's not what Julian said. He swore it was Jake who did it. Duke's DEAD, Carly and I have to avenge his death.
CARLY: Only because YOU put Duke in harm's way when you stepped down as head of the Corinthos mob.
SONNY: You might recall I was in P-ville for part of the time. Then, I had to stay away from the mob for my baby daughter's sake.
CARLY: Still, you can't go shooting innocent people and Jake is innocent because I SAID SO!
SONNY: Well, if Carly said so, then it must be true. NOT!
NINA'S SUITE
FRANCO: Hey Nina! I have an idea. Why don't you marry ME instead? After all, I injected myself with LSD just so I could be with YOU in the nuthouse.
NINA: Well, there's that, but you also still think I'm bonkers enough to kidnap a baby.
FRANCO: Come on, Nina. Obrecht's accent did a number on me. It has that kind of effect on people, you know.
NINA: Which is why I'm marrying Ric. HE has never met my scary aunt Liesl.
RIC: It's all in who you DON'T know, right Nina?
FRANCO: But...But...We're partners in craz--I mean CRIME! You're Bonnie and I'm Clyde. This chump, he doesn't look like a Clyde to me. I'M your Clyde, Nina. Marry ME!
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: So, we have a bride, but who's the groom?
FRANCO & RIC: I AM!
GARAGE
HAYDEN: I...Someone else...knows...who...Jake...
SAM: Hayden, the ambulance is on the way. Stay with me. What about Jake's true identity?
OUTSIDE GARAGE
JORDAN: Sorry, Shawn, but I am a cop and I saw you shoot...well, whoever ended up being shot.
SHAWN: You BETRAYED me, Jordan! I will NEVER forgive you. You never truly loved me.
JAKE: Hey, cops, get the hell in there! A woman is dying! Chop chop!
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: I know why you sent Hayden to rat us out to Jake. YOU STILL WANT ME!
NIKOLAS: You flatter yourself. I wanted Hayden out of my life. All that Petit Mort was really a nuisance.
LIZ: You totally sold me out and I will NOT forgive you for this.
NIKOLAS: It's for the best, Liz. No more lies. No more 24/7 demands for sex. I'm free to fall in love with the next damsel in distress who is starstruck by my title and my mansion.
LIZ: But what about ELQ?
NIKOLAS: Screw ELQ! The price is too high.
PIER
SLOANE: I smell dead Carrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrriverrrrrra! Great job, Anna. You killed the only guy who could testify against Jerome.
ANNA: So arrest me, then! I know you want to. Slap those cuffs on me, Sloane.
SLOANE: Nah. Prison bars would kill our smoldering sexual tension.
ANNA: So you're going to help me cover this up?
SLOANE: First thing's first. We have to move this body.
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: Earth to Elizabeth? What's up? No scrubs. Staring at the computer like you've never seen one before in your life. I'm going to venture a guess that you've been having a bad day.
LIZ: It's complicated.
PARAMEDICS: GSW victim coming through! Female, mid 30s, looks like that fake wife we saw on the Nurses' Ball coverage on Access Port Chuckles.
JAKE: Hayden's been shot.
LIZ: I thought you two were history. What was she doing at the garage?
JAKE: She had something she needed to tell me and Sam. Do you think she'll pull though.
LIZ: If I have anything to do with it--
PATRICK: Stay out of the cubicle, Elizabeth!
NINA'S SUITE
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: Is there anyone here who can give a reason why these two should not be married.
FRANCO: ME! ME! ME! This guy is scum and I am the one Nina really loves, right Nina?
NINA: WRONG! I do! I'll be your wife, Ric!
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: You may now kiss the bride.
FRANCO: NO FAIR!
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS'S GOON: Mission accomplished! Get his, Sonny's #1 goon Shawn Butler's taking the fall. He was aiming for Hayden's former pretend hubby.
NIKOLAS: Excellent work! How very Cassadine of me. Now that Hayden has been silenced, Liz can thank me later.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Live! Part I: Break It Up!
GH went live and stuff gets broken. Like priceless Russian vases, barware, and MetroCourt coffee tables and Carrrrrrrlos. Hurricane Hayden busts Nik and Liz's Jason secret wide open, chucking priceless antiques in the process. The more I see this cray-cray chick, the more I like her! Speaking of cray-cray, Nina changes into a wedding dress while Franco apologizes to her. Who's the groom? Not Franco. Sonny backs Julian up against a table full of barware, threatens to rearrange his face, then pushes over the table and barware in true Sonny Corinthos fashion. Sam is SUPER PISSED when Jake denies not killing Duke and is flummoxed when he later tells her he didn't kill Duke but he's ready to take the fall for a crime he didn't commit. Anna gets Sabrina to spill Carrrrrrrrrlos's location and puts a bullet in him.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: So, Prince Nikky, you can give me la petit mort anytime now. Elizabeth won't mind.
NIKOLAS: Do you mind, Hayden? Liz and I are busy.
HAYDEN: Busy talking trash about yours truly, right, Elizabeth? Meanwhile, Poor Jake is calling himself Jake Doe and he's totally clueless about his true identity. Why? So YOU can give him LA PETIT MORT without HIS WIFE getting in the way. That's right. His real wife. Sam MORGAN!
LIZ: What goes on between me and Jake is NONE of your BEESWAX. Besides, you have no room to talk about Jake's WIFE, seeing that you conspired with my SLIMEBALL of an ex to pretend to BE Jake's wife.
HAYDEN: All hail the sacred COW! Hey, Prince, I hope you're not too attached to those fancy-schmancy vases of yours. (takes a vase and chucks it across the room) I know the little SECRET you two are keeping so I can smash every 15th century priceless relic in this spooky castle because Prince Nikky is afraid I'll sing like a canary.
NIKOLAS: Guess what, Hayden? I'm not afraid of you anymore. Go tell Jake he's Jason. Hire a skywriter. Broadcast it on Access Port Charles. See if I care.
LIZ: Nikolas! I could BITCH SLAP you about 50 times right now! Jake-son is MINE! This was MY CHANCE with him.
NIKOLAS: Sorry, Liz, but Hayden is making my entire whackjob family look good in comparison right now and if I don't get rid of her, she will La Petit Mort me into an early grave.
HAYDEN: Damn straight I will. Gotta go. Jason Morgan needs his life back. (in a sing-songy voice) I'M GONNA TE-ELL, I'M GONNA TE-ELL!
SONNY'S HOUSE
JULIAN: (crossing his fingers behind his back) So you want to know who killed your bestie? It was Jake Doe. Turns out changing oil isn't his only talent. Unfortunately, poor Jake-come-lately won't get off Scot-free. Get it, Scot-free?
SONNY: I'm glad you think a man's death is so hilarious.
JULIAN: Just when I thought you had a sense of humor. So are you going to give Le Grand Mort to Jake now. Fair warning: You'll piss Carly off big-time. You see, Jake is HER bestie. I can't imagine life in the sack is going to be pleasant after you finish him off.
SONNY: Leave CARLY out of this, you SON OF A BITCH or I'll shatter some barware on your ass!
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
ANNA: Now you are going to call Carlos and casually ask him where he is so I can put the drop on him.
SABRINA: I'm so torn. I want to help you and Duke was such a nice guy, but Carrrrrrlos and I go back a long way. All the way to Puerto Rico.
ANNA: You can do this, Sabrina. Dial his number.
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrlos? How are you? Have you skipped town yet?
CARLOS: (over phone): I'm so sorry Zabrrrrrrrrina! So sorry I tied you up. I am on Pier 54 waiting for a boat to take me to parts unknown.
SABRINA: Be careful, Carrrrrrrrrlos!
NINA'S SUITE
FRANCO: I brought you an "I'm sorry for thinking you're bonkers" gift. Check it out.
NINA: What the hell is THAT?
FRANCO: Duh! It's an Egg Salad Sandwich!
NINA: You brought me a weird stripey abstract painting of a sandwich to apologize for not trusting me?
FRANCO: It's a Heather Webber special. Don't worry, it's not laced with LSD. At least I don't think it is.
NINA: I have to get dressed. Big day today. The maintenance man is coming to fix my table.
FRANCO: But I haven't finished apologizing!
GARAGE
SAM: Did you kill Duke Lavery?
JAKE: I plead the fifth.
SAM: (bitch-slaps Jake) How DARE you actually do MOB things for a mobster instead of scrubbing toilets and fixing carburetors!
JAKE: All the toilets were scrubbed and I got bored.
SAM: YOU BASTARD! Emma LOVED her Uncle Duke!
JAKE: Sorry about that. A mobster's gotta do what a mobster's gotta do.
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: So you're just going to LET that skank ruin EVERYTHING! When word gets out that we KNEW Jake was Jason, we'll be run out of town!
NIKOLAS: You can always hide out here at Wyndemere. I have 5,000 rooms. No one will ever find you.
LIZ: I am like REALLY REALLY REALLY SUPER PISSED at you right now.
NIKOLAS: And I am finally free from Hayden. Talk about being a kept man!
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Scram, Julian!
JULIAN: Until the next time you want to bust my ass. Toodle loo!
SHAWN: So, are we going to bump Jake off or not.
SONNY: Jake's going DOWN.
PIER 54
SLOANE: What was that, Julian? At the garage? I'm on it!
JORDAN: Since when does Julian Jerome let you into his circle of trust?
SLOANE: He's setting Corinthos up. A mob hit is going down and we're going to be front and center.
JORDAN: I'll pass. Can't be caught helping Julian out or Shawn kicks me out of bed.
SLOANE: Relax, Julian's informant is the one Sonny's going after. Sloane for the win!
GARAGE
SAM: What's up, Jake? Do you have a death wish or something?
JAKE: Face it, Sam. I'm mobbed up to my eyeballs and my skill set is best used in the mobular capacity. Your step-grandmother gave me an excellent reference.
HAYDEN: Hey there fake hubby! Have I got a scoop for you!
JAKE: Get lost, fake wife! Sam and I are in the middle of a conversation.
HAYDEN: Sam's gonna want to hear this too. It's a real humdinger.
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
ANNA: So, where is he?
SABRINA: Anna, don't make me throw Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos under the bus! Please! Pretty please with a cherry on top?
ANNA: Sabrina, you HAVE to do this so Duke can get justice.
SABRINA: He's...he's...at the pier. Hurry!
NINA'S SUITE
NINA: (in wedding gown and veil) Ta-da!
FRANCO: Did I miss something? When did we get engaged? How could I have forgotten to plan an ENTIRE WEDDING?
NINA: I'm not marrying YOU, you un-trusting, thinking-I'm-crazy ex-boyfriend-ex-roomie!
FRANCO: Then who are you marrying, IF you are actually getting married? Who is the lucky fiance?
NINA: His name is George. George Glass.
FRANCO: He dumped Jan Brady for you?
NINA: I guess I reminded him more of MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA!
PIER 54
ANNA: Carlos, I know you killed Duke.
CARLOS: Duke? Nah, I didn't kill him.
ANNA: Save it. I have a witness statement.
CARLOS: That's it? Good luck with that.
ANNA: You know what? Screw the law. Get ready to meet your maker, Mr. Rivera! (shoots Carlos)
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: So, Prince Nikky, you can give me la petit mort anytime now. Elizabeth won't mind.
NIKOLAS: Do you mind, Hayden? Liz and I are busy.
HAYDEN: Busy talking trash about yours truly, right, Elizabeth? Meanwhile, Poor Jake is calling himself Jake Doe and he's totally clueless about his true identity. Why? So YOU can give him LA PETIT MORT without HIS WIFE getting in the way. That's right. His real wife. Sam MORGAN!
LIZ: What goes on between me and Jake is NONE of your BEESWAX. Besides, you have no room to talk about Jake's WIFE, seeing that you conspired with my SLIMEBALL of an ex to pretend to BE Jake's wife.
HAYDEN: All hail the sacred COW! Hey, Prince, I hope you're not too attached to those fancy-schmancy vases of yours. (takes a vase and chucks it across the room) I know the little SECRET you two are keeping so I can smash every 15th century priceless relic in this spooky castle because Prince Nikky is afraid I'll sing like a canary.
NIKOLAS: Guess what, Hayden? I'm not afraid of you anymore. Go tell Jake he's Jason. Hire a skywriter. Broadcast it on Access Port Charles. See if I care.
LIZ: Nikolas! I could BITCH SLAP you about 50 times right now! Jake-son is MINE! This was MY CHANCE with him.
NIKOLAS: Sorry, Liz, but Hayden is making my entire whackjob family look good in comparison right now and if I don't get rid of her, she will La Petit Mort me into an early grave.
HAYDEN: Damn straight I will. Gotta go. Jason Morgan needs his life back. (in a sing-songy voice) I'M GONNA TE-ELL, I'M GONNA TE-ELL!
SONNY'S HOUSE
JULIAN: (crossing his fingers behind his back) So you want to know who killed your bestie? It was Jake Doe. Turns out changing oil isn't his only talent. Unfortunately, poor Jake-come-lately won't get off Scot-free. Get it, Scot-free?
SONNY: I'm glad you think a man's death is so hilarious.
JULIAN: Just when I thought you had a sense of humor. So are you going to give Le Grand Mort to Jake now. Fair warning: You'll piss Carly off big-time. You see, Jake is HER bestie. I can't imagine life in the sack is going to be pleasant after you finish him off.
SONNY: Leave CARLY out of this, you SON OF A BITCH or I'll shatter some barware on your ass!
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
ANNA: Now you are going to call Carlos and casually ask him where he is so I can put the drop on him.
SABRINA: I'm so torn. I want to help you and Duke was such a nice guy, but Carrrrrrlos and I go back a long way. All the way to Puerto Rico.
ANNA: You can do this, Sabrina. Dial his number.
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrlos? How are you? Have you skipped town yet?
CARLOS: (over phone): I'm so sorry Zabrrrrrrrrina! So sorry I tied you up. I am on Pier 54 waiting for a boat to take me to parts unknown.
SABRINA: Be careful, Carrrrrrrrrlos!
NINA'S SUITE
FRANCO: I brought you an "I'm sorry for thinking you're bonkers" gift. Check it out.
NINA: What the hell is THAT?
FRANCO: Duh! It's an Egg Salad Sandwich!
NINA: You brought me a weird stripey abstract painting of a sandwich to apologize for not trusting me?
FRANCO: It's a Heather Webber special. Don't worry, it's not laced with LSD. At least I don't think it is.
NINA: I have to get dressed. Big day today. The maintenance man is coming to fix my table.
FRANCO: But I haven't finished apologizing!
GARAGE
SAM: Did you kill Duke Lavery?
JAKE: I plead the fifth.
SAM: (bitch-slaps Jake) How DARE you actually do MOB things for a mobster instead of scrubbing toilets and fixing carburetors!
JAKE: All the toilets were scrubbed and I got bored.
SAM: YOU BASTARD! Emma LOVED her Uncle Duke!
JAKE: Sorry about that. A mobster's gotta do what a mobster's gotta do.
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: So you're just going to LET that skank ruin EVERYTHING! When word gets out that we KNEW Jake was Jason, we'll be run out of town!
NIKOLAS: You can always hide out here at Wyndemere. I have 5,000 rooms. No one will ever find you.
LIZ: I am like REALLY REALLY REALLY SUPER PISSED at you right now.
NIKOLAS: And I am finally free from Hayden. Talk about being a kept man!
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Scram, Julian!
JULIAN: Until the next time you want to bust my ass. Toodle loo!
SHAWN: So, are we going to bump Jake off or not.
SONNY: Jake's going DOWN.
PIER 54
SLOANE: What was that, Julian? At the garage? I'm on it!
JORDAN: Since when does Julian Jerome let you into his circle of trust?
SLOANE: He's setting Corinthos up. A mob hit is going down and we're going to be front and center.
JORDAN: I'll pass. Can't be caught helping Julian out or Shawn kicks me out of bed.
SLOANE: Relax, Julian's informant is the one Sonny's going after. Sloane for the win!
GARAGE
SAM: What's up, Jake? Do you have a death wish or something?
JAKE: Face it, Sam. I'm mobbed up to my eyeballs and my skill set is best used in the mobular capacity. Your step-grandmother gave me an excellent reference.
HAYDEN: Hey there fake hubby! Have I got a scoop for you!
JAKE: Get lost, fake wife! Sam and I are in the middle of a conversation.
HAYDEN: Sam's gonna want to hear this too. It's a real humdinger.
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
ANNA: So, where is he?
SABRINA: Anna, don't make me throw Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos under the bus! Please! Pretty please with a cherry on top?
ANNA: Sabrina, you HAVE to do this so Duke can get justice.
SABRINA: He's...he's...at the pier. Hurry!
NINA'S SUITE
NINA: (in wedding gown and veil) Ta-da!
FRANCO: Did I miss something? When did we get engaged? How could I have forgotten to plan an ENTIRE WEDDING?
NINA: I'm not marrying YOU, you un-trusting, thinking-I'm-crazy ex-boyfriend-ex-roomie!
FRANCO: Then who are you marrying, IF you are actually getting married? Who is the lucky fiance?
NINA: His name is George. George Glass.
FRANCO: He dumped Jan Brady for you?
NINA: I guess I reminded him more of MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA!
PIER 54
ANNA: Carlos, I know you killed Duke.
CARLOS: Duke? Nah, I didn't kill him.
ANNA: Save it. I have a witness statement.
CARLOS: That's it? Good luck with that.
ANNA: You know what? Screw the law. Get ready to meet your maker, Mr. Rivera! (shoots Carlos)
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Three's A Crowd
Hayden crashes Nikolas & Liz's tete-a-tete at Wyndemere. Port Chuckles bids farewell to The Kilted Wonder, Duke Lavery. Sonny has a fake-out dream that Duke is still alive. Julian is thrown off by Jake's release from police custody.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
EMMA: I'm sure gonna miss Uncle Duke. He was a nice guy. Is he really dead or just soap dead like Mommy was.
PATRICK: I saw him flatline, sweetie, but then again, Dr. Obrecht was seen leaving his ER cubicle and she has connections with the Cassadine chill chambers, so you never know.
SAM: What your dad is trying to say is that death is not always what it seems in this town.
PATRICK: Yeah, that's it. Now get your funeral finery on so we can be there for your grandma.
CHURCH
ANNA: I still can't believe he's gone.
SLOANE: If it makes you feel any better, here is his goon's phone. He really was going to call of the hit on Jordan.
ANNA: (listening to the message): It's good to hear his voice. That accent!
DUKE'S URN: See, I told you so, Commissioner Sloane!
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Why is Jason's fake wife LIVING with you?
NIKOLAS: It's complicated.
LIZ: She's a lying tramp! What's complicated about that?
NIKOLAS: She knows Jake is Jason.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
CHURCH
FELICIA: I'm so sorry Anna! Duke was a great guy.
MAC: I'm so sorry, Anna! Duke was a great guy.
LUCY: Duke and I weren't REALLY going out. He was still in love with YOU, Anna.
NATHAN: I'm so sorry, Anna. Duke was a great guy. Glad I never had to actually arrest him.
DANTE: I'm so sorry, Anna.
LULU: I'm so sorry, Anna. Duke was a great guy.
MAXIE: I'm so sorry, Anna. Duke had the best fashion sense of any mobster I knew.
EMMA: I'm here for you, Grandma.
SONNY: Duke was the best.
ANNA: It's YOUR FAULT he's dead, Sonny! You dragged him into your mobularity!
MINISTER: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...
GARAGE
JULIAN: So the cops hauled you in for Duke's murder then just let you go? Something doesn't add up.
JAKE: Well, they made me spend the night in the interrogation room if that makes you feel any better.
JULIAN: What did you tell them?
JAKE: That I saw a gun, some blood, and picked up the gun. That's all she wrote!
JULIAN: And they just let you go?
JAKE: After asking me the same questions about 5,000 times, yes. They still think it's me, but whatever.
JULIAN: You're willing to take the fall? What's the catch?
JAKE: I owe you for giving me a job. Plus, Sloane bought me doughnuts.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
SAM: Oh look. The wedding ring canister. I still miss Jason, even though Patrick is the hottest doctor EVER! I'm so conflicted. Oh well, THERE'S my purse.
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: If Hayden knows about Jason, we're SCREWED! What's to keep her from running her yap all over Port Chuckles?
NIKOLAS: Bingo! Why ELSE do you think I'm letting her live here and I'm giving her all the Petit Mort she wants?
HAYDEN: Did I hear someone say La Petit Mort?
PATRICK'S HOUSE
EMMA: I'm sure gonna miss Uncle Duke. He was a nice guy. Is he really dead or just soap dead like Mommy was.
PATRICK: I saw him flatline, sweetie, but then again, Dr. Obrecht was seen leaving his ER cubicle and she has connections with the Cassadine chill chambers, so you never know.
SAM: What your dad is trying to say is that death is not always what it seems in this town.
PATRICK: Yeah, that's it. Now get your funeral finery on so we can be there for your grandma.
CHURCH
ANNA: I still can't believe he's gone.
SLOANE: If it makes you feel any better, here is his goon's phone. He really was going to call of the hit on Jordan.
ANNA: (listening to the message): It's good to hear his voice. That accent!
DUKE'S URN: See, I told you so, Commissioner Sloane!
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Why is Jason's fake wife LIVING with you?
NIKOLAS: It's complicated.
LIZ: She's a lying tramp! What's complicated about that?
NIKOLAS: She knows Jake is Jason.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?
CHURCH
FELICIA: I'm so sorry Anna! Duke was a great guy.
MAC: I'm so sorry, Anna! Duke was a great guy.
LUCY: Duke and I weren't REALLY going out. He was still in love with YOU, Anna.
NATHAN: I'm so sorry, Anna. Duke was a great guy. Glad I never had to actually arrest him.
DANTE: I'm so sorry, Anna.
LULU: I'm so sorry, Anna. Duke was a great guy.
MAXIE: I'm so sorry, Anna. Duke had the best fashion sense of any mobster I knew.
EMMA: I'm here for you, Grandma.
SONNY: Duke was the best.
ANNA: It's YOUR FAULT he's dead, Sonny! You dragged him into your mobularity!
MINISTER: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...
GARAGE
JULIAN: So the cops hauled you in for Duke's murder then just let you go? Something doesn't add up.
JAKE: Well, they made me spend the night in the interrogation room if that makes you feel any better.
JULIAN: What did you tell them?
JAKE: That I saw a gun, some blood, and picked up the gun. That's all she wrote!
JULIAN: And they just let you go?
JAKE: After asking me the same questions about 5,000 times, yes. They still think it's me, but whatever.
JULIAN: You're willing to take the fall? What's the catch?
JAKE: I owe you for giving me a job. Plus, Sloane bought me doughnuts.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
SAM: Oh look. The wedding ring canister. I still miss Jason, even though Patrick is the hottest doctor EVER! I'm so conflicted. Oh well, THERE'S my purse.
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: If Hayden knows about Jason, we're SCREWED! What's to keep her from running her yap all over Port Chuckles?
NIKOLAS: Bingo! Why ELSE do you think I'm letting her live here and I'm giving her all the Petit Mort she wants?
HAYDEN: Did I hear someone say La Petit Mort?
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