Egg Salad

     Vere, oh vere is Dr. Obrecht's prized egg salad painting?   Franco confesses to Liesl that he took the painting and gave it to Nina.   Nina questions Ric's motives for marrying her.   Sonny is shocked to find out that Ric married Nina.  Shawn is in disbelief over Jordan's confession that he is TJ's father.  Jake tells Carly that he quit working for Sloane.  A woman who looks like Ava shows up at Julian's apartment claiming to be Denise,  a beautician from Queens, but Julian and his nearest and dearest aren't buying her ruse. 

     HOSPITAL

      LIESL:  Vere is my Egg Salad?   Zis priceless piece of Franco artwork has been stolen from me! 
      FRANCO:  Relax, Liesl!  It was me.  I stole the Egg Salad and gave it to Nina as an I'm-sorry-I-thought-you-were-an-unhinged-kidnapper present. 
      LIESL:  YOU gave ZAT MASTERPIECE to NINA?   You aah, vat is zat absurd American saying, an Indian givah!  
      FRANCO:  Well, if you want to be politically incorrect about it, okay.  But I had to do it to stop Nina from getting married to that skeezeball Ric Lansing. 
      LIESL:  Mistah Lansing married NINA?   Zat is hilarious!  
      FRANCO:  What does Nina see in Ric anyway?   He's Slimy McSleazepants who hired a fake wife for his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend.  
       LIESL:  It is very simple, Franco.  He vants her money.   Nina is vat you Americans call loaded. 
     
     NINA'S SUITE

    NINA:  Hey, hubby, I'm confused.  Why did you marry me?  
    RIC:  Because everyone thinks we both are psychos, so we immediately had something in common.  Common bonds are the foundation of a great relationship, so I just put the cart before the horse a smidgen.
    NINA:  And here I thought it was because you loved me at first sight.  
    RIC:  I do love you.   I love your (to himself) financial (to Nina) assets.  
    NINA:  You love my ass?   With all due respect, hubby.  You didn't do your research.  I never once owned a pet donkey.   A horse or two, maybe.  Allegra was my favorite.  But NEVER a donkey.   Or do you mean my booty?
    RIC:  I meant your eyes.  I love how blue they are.

     JAIL

    SHAWN:  I'm not TJ's father, Jordan.  Tommy is.  Remember Tommy?  Your husband?  The one I shot?  
    JORDAN:  I lied.  YOU are TJ's father.  The DNA results say so.  
    SHAWN:  How am I supposed to believe you now?  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.
     JORDAN:  Look, Shawn, I know you're SUPER PISSED at me for lying to you about not being an undercover cop.  Not that I am an undercover cop anymore.  I was fired months ago and I stayed undercover to help Anna, but that's beside the point.   TJ needs you, so you need to hand over Sonny and stay the hell out of Pentonville.

    JULIAN'S APARTMENT

    KIKI:  Mom!  You're alive!
    JULIAN:  Ava?   What the?  
    DENISE:  Youse guys got it wrong.  I ain't this Ava woman.   I'm just a Brooklyn I-talian from Bensonhurst.   Denise DiNuccio.  
     JULIAN:  Nice try, Ava.  Lose the wig.  I know it's you under there.  
     SAM:  I'm a P.I. and I know it's you, Ava.   You're incognito because you're wanted for murder in this town. 
     DENISE:  This is all real entertainin', but I told youse, I ain't Ava.  I'm just some chick who looks like huh.   Anyone want a blowout?   Manicure?   Moustache waxin'?  
    
     NINA'S SUITE

      SONNY:  Ric, what the hell?  
      RIC:  Hey, brother, meet my new wife, Nina!  
      SONNY:   Remember how she stole my daughter, Ric?   At least once, maybe TWICE! 
      NINA:  Is that any way to talk to your new sister-in-law?  
      SONNY:   Isn't it a little...soon, Ric?  You just proposed to Elizabeth, what, five minutes ago? 
      RIC:  And you know how that ended.   But all is fair in love and war.  Right, wife? 
      NINA:  Sure thing, hubby!   

     COURTHOUSE

     TJ:  I'm still SUPER PISSED at my mom for getting Shawn arrested.   I mean, she's the one who sent him to me in the first place.  He's the closest thing to a dad I've got, man! 
    MOLLY:  Shawn's a great guy, but I don't think your mom wanted to hurt him.  
    SLOANE:  Hey, TJ, your mom's a hero for helping us take down the mob.  
     TJ:  So I hear.  
    
     SCOTT:  Sonny's going down!   I can feel it!  
     SONNY:  I'm here for you, Shawn.  
     SHAWN:  (to himself) TJ or Sonny.  Sonny or TJ.  What will I do?  I'M SO CONFLICTED!!!  

    
    LIZ'S HOUSE

    JAKE:  By all means, Carly, make yourself at home.  
    CARLY:  I'm so glad you're not dead at the hands of Sonny!   I begged and pleaded with him not to kill you. 
     JAKE:  Unfortunately, anyone who is next to me is in danger.  Just ask my ex fake wife Hayden.  Oh, that's right, you can't.   She's in a coma. 
    CARLY:  I'm so sorry about that.  Not that I even remotely LIKED her, but I didn't want her to be shot in the head or anything. 
     JAKE:  That's my point.  It could have been Sam.  It could have been Uhlizabeth.  It could have been YOU, Carly.   That's why I told Sloane I can't be his flunkie anymore.   I'm expecting him to bust in here and arrest me on 5,327 murder charges any minute now. 
     CARLY:  I'll call Diane.  She's the best mobulawyer there is. 
     SLOANE:  Knock knock!  
     JAKE:  Coming to take me away?  
     CARLY:  Don't you DARE! 
     SLOANE:  Sorry, Jake.  I'm not Calgon.   Just coming to tell you that you're off the hook for Duke's murder.   Carrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrriverrrrrrrra is the triggerman.  
      JAKE:  So I'm not going to the hoosegow?   What about Julian?  Is he going to be cool with me walking away?  
     SLOANE:  I'll see to it that he is.  You're a free man, Jake.  


     JULIAN'S APARTMENT
   
    SLOANE:  Knock knock! 
    LUCAS:  Dad, you have company. 
    SLOANE:  I have some business to discuss with you, Julian, but first thing's first:  Ava Jerome, you're so BUSTED!