Wayback Wednesday: The Beginnings of General Hilarity

    Wayback is a gross overstatement, since this blog goes back all of 2 1/2 weeks, but Thursdays are always busy for me so I'm archiving the recaps I did in the comments section of WubTub before I started this blog. 

     The Very First Recap:  All is Cray-Cray in The Chuckles (Friday Oct. 17, 2014) 

  It was a turn-the-cray-cray-dial-up-to-11 kind of day!

NINA: The list, mother, THE LIST!!! You were on the list, you got crossed off the list, now YOU'RE BACK ON AGAIN!!! I'm gonna kill you with this antler thing and--oh, wait, never mind, can you steal Ava's baby for me instead?

FRANCO: Hi Mom! Long time no see. I'm marrying Carly. But you were right, she is a lying slut. That's why you're gonna be front and center at our WEDDING!

HEATHER: Where's my real son Steven LARZZZZ! I have no use for sons who try to kill me. Mmmm, is that a BLT? I was RIGHT??? Hallelujah, I WAS RIGHT!!! Steven Who? Do I get to kill the lying wench before or after she walks down the aisle? I always liked you better anyway.

NATHAN: Where's Nina?

MADELINE: BEWARE THE NINA!

SILAS: BEWARE THE NINA!

AVA: Where the #&@#& are Kiki and Silas? My uterus is being shot out of a cannon here!!!

SABRINA: I'm a murderess! Toss me in the clink, Detective and throw away the key!

Line of the day has to go to Nina: Who are you calling? Ghostbusters?

 Monday, Oct. 20:  The Cray Goes On

 Nutty Nina's back at it today and so are Crazy and Son of Crazy. Here goes:

NINA: Will you do it, Mommy? Will you steal Ava's baby for me? Pretty please with sugar on top? Daddy woulda done it. By the way, Daddy loved me 1,000 times more than he loved you. He NEVER said no to me. Screw ethics, Mom! How does a bundle of cold hard cash, as in MY MONEY which you have NONE OF, make you feel? Uh oh! Jay's here. Make him disappear, Mom.

MADELINE: No, Nina, I'm not going to steal a baby for you because all of the sudden, I grew a moral compass. I'm sorry, James. I had to chain the door to keep out THE NINA! No, she's not hiding behind a wall with a household object re-purposed as a weapon in her hand.

NATHAN: Where's Nina? I have to stop her from doing whatever supposedly violent things she's doing.

HEATHER: You want me at your wedding? Gee, New Favorite Son, I'd love to come, but, you know, a bunch of Navy SEALS have been commissioned to make sure I stay in this place in the afterlife. You can bust me out? That's so nice of you, you deliverer of BLTs but how? How are we going to team up to bring down--OLIVIA?? What's that evil shrew doing on your spycam? That LSD was supposed to kill her, not make her everybody's psychic friend. Now back to Carly. How are you planning on springing me so we can be mother and son partners in crime?

SHAWN: Oh oh here she comes! Heather at three o'clock. She ain't faking labor pains and getting away in anyone's car this time.

OLIVIA: Psychic visions? What psychic visions--OMG OMG OMG!!! It's HEATHER WEBBER WITH A KNIFE IN THE METROCOURT!

SONNY: Come on, Olivia. It looks like you're in need of some libations.

CARLY: I'm marrying Franco and nothing you can say will stop me.

BOBBIE: Guess what, Brad? Lucas has a top-secret M.D. degree. You've been working at a hospital and he's been a doctor all along.

LUCAS: MOTHER! You weren't supposed to say anything about my secret degree! It's a S-E-C-R-E-T, remember? I'm not gonna practice medicine and nothing you say will stop me from not practicing medicine.

SILAS: I've got just the thing for you, Ava. A shot that will stop your uterus from orbiting Neptune. Remember, needle good, pills bad.

AVA: Thanks, Silas. Even though you still kinda hate me it was nice of you to come over and stick the anti-labor needle in me.

SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrlos didn't do it. I just know he didn't 'cuz you know AJ didn't kill Connie. Carrrrrrrlos is in the clink because Ava threatened to off me and my kid if he didn't but that doesn't mean she killed AJ. Or does it?

MICHAEL: If Carrrrrrrrlos didn't do it, then who did? Ava? This is gonna put a damper on sexy time with Kiki. Do I still have Rosalie's number?

Tuesday, Oct. 21:  No Time for Drug Dealers

NINA: So you'll do it, Mommy? Say it out loud: Nina, I will help you steal Ava's baby. Yay, Mom! Even though you're doing it for the payola. Beggars can't be choosers. Okay, now pinterest had a how-to on finger-knitting hair. Let me practice. No, Mom, I don't know exactly where Ava is, but Rosalie does. You know, short, dark hair, mildly attractive but could use some time at the gym if she really wants to seduce Michael away from Kiki. But she ain't telling. I may just have to tell her dirty little secret.

MADELINE: Deets, please! Hey, Rosalie, it's Nina's Mama. How about we have a little tete a tete--James! No, I don't know where Nina is. She is not six feet away from me mouthing your name.

SHAWN: Looks like Heather & Franco might be BFFs. Gonna be hard to frame her for his murder that way.

SONNY: But the log at Ferncliff just says that he visited. It didn't say they got all chummy about taking down Carly on her wedding day. For all we know, he could have threatened her with Death By BLT.

CARLY: Let's go somewhere else, Franco. Somewhere you won't go antagonizing Sonny.

FRANCO: How cute. You're all afraid of Sonny now. Guess what, I talked to Michael about Sonny & AJ.

MICHAEL: Kiki, we need to talk. I think your mom offed my dad because this Sabrina person I've only known for five seconds says her Carrrrrrrrlos didn't do it. Hey, commish. I think I know who killed AJ.

KIKI: Pfft! Since when are you and Sabrina BFFs? Carrrrrrlos confessed so Carrrrrrrlos did it. End of Story. It's not like Mom was covering for you other dad, Sonny.

TJ: Weee Sill Voose Plate. Damn! French is so hard. Mom, can't you see I'm studying? I have no time to talk to drug dealers. I have a midterm tomorrow

JORDAN: I know I've hurt you, Thomas, but I just can't tell you yet that I'm not a drug dealer. But I will say I didn't know my fellow dealers were adding a little something-something to the coke.

AVA: I'm feeling so much better now that my uterus has returned to its rightful position in my abdomen. I could paint a whole nursery right now. How's about bright cheerful green. Don't like that? Day-glo orange with purple accents? Let's go with a total '80s theme. By the way, Silas, I only hid Kiki from you because I didn't want you to be sent to the hoosegow with motive to ice Nina for 20 years.

SILAS: You need your rest, Ava. You know, I kinda sorta forgive you for that now that I know you were just depriving me of 20 years with my daughter to protect me. I'll be back in a few hours with another injection from The Needle of Non-Labor Goodness. Don't take any more Baby-Killer pills in the meantime.

NATHAN: Hey, aren't you Rosalie, my sister-cousin's nurse? Where IS Nina anyway? Please tell me she's not off doing violent things.

ROSALIE: Your guess is as good as mine. She gave me the axe and I'm totally ignoring her phone calls. OMG, now her MOM wants to talk to me.


Wednesday, Oct. 22:  Return of Ze Boss

LIZ: Look, Jake, new non-ICU room, with a window and everything! You don't have to eat that NutriSlop. That's our crazy chief of staff Dr. Obrecht's idea. She wants to torture the patients before she releases them. Hey, don't try to walk! I know of someone who has a wheelchair she doesn't need anymore. Um, hello Frau Frankenstein! Who busted you out of lockup this time?

JAKE DOE: I heard TWO voices at the scene of The Car Accident That Changed My Face. TWO! That Ashford lady and someone else. Who was she? She sounded blonde...and pregnant. Oh, so this is German battleaxe who runs this place. Yeah, not digging the health slop. It looks like something that would be coming up from my stomach, not down into it.

OBRECHT: Ze boss eez back! Oh how I've missed your insolence, Nurse Webber. Remember the last time I fired you? Herr Doe, you must eat the NutriGruel. You want to call yourself Jake? What aah you, a mongrel dog? How about Cesaaah, now ZAT is a fine name. Commissioner Devane, did you miss me you schadenfreude gewurztraminer? I shot Victor to protect my son now why did you shoot my Cesaaah?

LULU: Eat your Baby NutriSlop, Rocco. It's yummy! So, Tracy, what's the latest on Dad. Is mobbed up to his eyeballs or was that just an ugly rumor? But where is Jerry keeping him?

TRACY: Ha! Luke has been innocent all along! Jerry Jacks kidnapped him and has been brainwashing him. If I hand him ELQ on a silver platter, he will give my husband back to me. I just have to bamboozle Michael into giving his shares to me after I conspired with Luke to bring him down. That'll be easy once my son Ned agrees to help me.

OLIVIA: Dante, sweetheart, will you go check to make sure Heather Webber is safely locked away at Ferncliff so I don't keep having these psychic visions of her wielding knives? Thanks, honey.

SONNY: (with his eyes) Dante, don't do it. (with his mouth) Hey, Rocco, Grampa Sonny has an offer you can't refuse.

NED: So, resorting to smearing "Ted Ashton" in your rag sheet now, Julian? All because you want your sleazy mobbed-up hands on Alexis? Go ahead. Make my day.

JULIAN: Get out of dodge, Ted, or your name will be Mud in The Chuckles. Alexis is mine for the taking and you don't wanna mess with a mobster who owns the fourth estate. Alexis, you will come back to me once I remove Ted from the equation.

ALEXIS: So, Sam, you're saying Jerry is holding Luke hostage and he's Julian's boss? This changes everything. No, it doesn't. He's still a lying scoundrel. Ned! Julian! Cool it with the fisticuffs!

SAM: So, Jerry has Luke and Tracy is eating out of his hand. Patrick, you make a great adventure buddy, but I'm really missing Jason.

PATRICK: That's okay. I sometimes miss Robin too, but then I remember that she would rather be anywhere else but with me and Emma. But, I have a new friend with benefits, so that sorta makes it better.

MICHAEL: Commish, who killed AJ? Sabrina said it wasn't Carlos. Kiki said it wasn't Ava but I kind of think it was Ava because Dad Sonny promised he wouldn't kill Dad AJ. You gotta help me here.

ANNA: Yeah, good luck with that. I don't have enough to go on beyond "she said she said". Well, if it isn't Leisl Obrecht, the woman I can't keep behind bars. What do you want this time you Teutonic sociopath?

MORGAN: Kiki, tell me you didn't tell Michael that Ava didn't kill AJ but you didn't tell her she did kill AJ either. By the way, your dad injected the Needle of Goodness into your mom again so I think the kid's gonna be okay.

KIKI: Of course not, I just stalled, then he called the cops. If he finds out Sonny did it, IT WILL DESTROY HIM!!! 


Thursday, Oct. 23:  The Nina Chair

LIZ: So, Jake, let me tell you the life story of my ex-lover Jason. He was a Q, got into an accident, lost his memory, then he wasn't a Q anymore. Sound familiar? How about a spin around the hospital in the Nina Chair? Come on, it'll be fun! Here's the art studio where Nina's BFF and fellow lunatic Franco finger paints and calls it therapy. Uh oh, looks like I actually have another patient. Whodathunkit? Catch ya later.

JAKE: So this Jason guy, does he remind you of me for some crazy reason? Oh, alright, I'll ride the Nina Chair but let me try to stand up first. Franco...I think I might sorta know this guy. Hey can you paint me something? Where have I seen this tall blonde chick before?

FRANCO: Can't wait for our wedding tomorrow, Carly. Love you. NOT! Ok, maybe I still love her a little. Nah, she doesn't love me. She loves Sonny. Sit tight, Mom, someone will be by to spring you soon.

HEATHER: Uh, hello Franco! Snarly Carly is a lying, cheating wench, remember? The wedding is supposed to be about REVENGE! What did Sonny do? Deets, PLEASE!!! So when am I getting outta here? Guess this black guy's here to spring me. Could do much worse...

SONNY: We've gotta off Franco, Shawn. If we don't he's gonna marry Carly and we can't have that. I'll take care of Dante and make sure he checks on Heather by calling the dude Franco paid to spring her, right before Shawn knocks him out.

SHAWN: Gotta problem. Franco's still chummy with his Mom. He went back AGAIN today. Gonna have to get creative on this one.

ALEXIS: Julian, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about whether you have ever associated with Jerry? Aw Ned, I miss being your friend with benefits and you being the guy I date when I don't want to date someone else.

NED: Hey, Julian, get lost! Sorry about all the fisticuffs, Alexis, but you're kinda worth it. No, mother, I will NOT give my shares of ELQ to Jerry Jacks. Screw Luke!

TRACY: Ned, please, pretty please with a cherry on top, give me your ELQ shares. Luke will DIE if you don't. Michael Schmichael, it's a matter of life or death! Alice, please give me your shares even though I would only get you a new heart if you didn't blab to Michael about stealing ELQ right out from under him. It's for Mister Luke. Yay, Alice, you're awesome!

SKINNY ALICE: Gee, Monica, I'm sorry about Jason still being "dead". If only I knew and you knew that he isn't. Oh, alright Tracy if it will make you shut up I'll give you my ELQ shares to save Mister Luke, but only to save Mister Luke because I still kinda hate your guts.

LULU: Where is my dad? Has Tracy rescued him from Jerry yet? Yeah, Dante, you'd better make sure Heather's still locked up at Ferncliff, seeing that she almost killed my cousin and all. Cousin Carly! So are you excited about your big day? The Haunted Star is all ready--OOPS! That was supposed to be a surprise. Franco bait and switched you.

DANTE: So, Mom, what's eatin' ya? Don't worry, I'll make sure Heather's still behind lock and key. Oh, you're pining after Ned? So go tell him you're hot for him already!

CARLY: Wedding's tomorrow and I'm pretending to be so excited but I'm really kinda dreading it because I'm only marrying Franco to keep him quiet about Sonny killing AJ. Hi cousin Lulu. What do you mean the Haunted Star is ready? I'm marrying Franco at the MetroCourt because I do everything at the MetroCourt these days. Everything except sleep with Sonny. That I do at my place and at Michael's apartment.


Friday, October 24:  Ghost In Da Crypt!

NINA: So, have you found AVA yet, Mommy? No? Then GET ON IT!!! Time's a wastin' Hi Franco, my fellow whackjob! So we're both cooking up some pretty wild schemes, aren't we now? You surprising Carly on her wedding day with a can of whoopass that may or may not include a live screening of a sex tape and me getting my mom to steal a slut's kid. Good times, bestie, good times! You know, mothers can be very useful if you threaten to impale them with antlers. You should try that sometime, Franco. Like, booyah! Who let the dogs out? Sorry, Franco. Can't come to the wedding. Got a baby to steal, but good luck with your blowing Carly's world apart. I'll be rooting for you. What's a matter, Mommy? Don't you like my new best friend? Are you jealous? So did you get Rosalie to tell you where Ava is? You DID? Sah-weet! Do tell, Mommy, DO TELL!!!

MADELINE: Will you be patient, Nina? I'm working on the whole Project Find Ava thing. Who's this loser? Why hello, Rosalie. So are you going to tell me where Ava is or am I going to have to tell everyone your DIRTY LITTLE SECRET? That's more like it. I'm back, Nina. If you can get rid of that no-good Franco, I'll tell you where Ava is.

JAKE: Don't tell me you think you recognize me too. Well, don't leave me hanging. Who the hell am I? Jason again? What is it about this dude that has women so obsessed with him. So you're saying this Franco guy was only psycho because of his brain tumor so you're marrying him but your mobster ex Sonny doesn't approve. Yeah, this town gets more interesting by the day.

CARLY: You aren't...nah, he's dead. He's been dead for two years. So, I'm about to marry this guy Franco. He was once a serial killer, then he had his brain tumor removed. Now he's just a misunderstood ex serial killer who does art therapy at the hospital. You're not going to like, blab this to anyone, are you? You look like a trustworthy guy who somewhat resembles my dead bestie, so I'm good.

LULU: It says it's my dad. Answer it, Tracy! Ok, I'll answer. Hi Daddy. Ugh, it's Jerry! Jerry, you psycho, where's my dad? Tracy, it's for you.

TRACY: Listen, Jerry, I've got my shares and Alice's. Do we have a deal. Who is this Russian chick you sent? Ok, I'll give my shares to Blonde Russian if you give me my hubby back. Ok, Jerry, where's Luke?

NED: Like hell you're getting ELQ, Jerry! You stay away from Brook Lynn or I'll find Heather Webber and get her to inject you with LSD and I'll have Sabrina Santiago give you some bad medicine. If you mess with my daughter, you'll be hallucinating that you are going into labor!

SONNY: Well, if it isn't Ghost Connie gracing the Quartermaine crypt! Judging by your legs, I thought for a minute you were Helena Cassadine. Did you do something with your hair? You see, I killed AJ because I thought he killed you and I hated his guts anyway. Now, I want to kill Ava because she REALLY DID kill you. No, I'm not going to kill the baby. I'm gonna bump Ava off AFTER she gives birth. Just gotta find her first. Hey, Michael. Nothing, just catching up with some dearly departed ghosts.

BRUNETTE GHOST CONNIE: Hello, Sonny! Well, since we are in a crypt, whaddaya say we go at it for old time's sake. Ha ha! Just kidding! Look, I know you're feeling guilty about the AJ thing, but don't go killing your unborn child or grandchild because of it.

MICHAEL: So, Rosalie, seen Ava lately? No? Ok, catch you later, unless you want me to keep you company while this slightly intimidating blonde lady grills you.

ROSALIE: Hi Michael. About Ava, if you find her, what are you going to do? Nah, I can handle this woman. I worked for NINA for crying out loud! Hi Nina's mom. By any chance, are you as nutty as your daughter? Sorry I asked. Alright, alright, I'll tell you!

AVA: Enjoy being nursemaid to me while I'm still alive, Kiki. Once this baby sees the light of day, I'm history. What do you mean Michael's after me to. He's been talking to that wacky nurse Sabrina who thinks I killed her kid? Ok, so I sorta kinda mentioned her name when threatening Carlos but what was I supposed to say?

KIKI: Stop talking about your impending death! By the way, Michael's after you too. He thinks you killed AJ. Sabrina said Carrrrrrlos didn't do it so you're next on the list. Doorbell! Hide, Mom, hide!