Long Overdue November

    So, seeing that Halloween in The Chuckles was stretched to epic proportions to ensure The Great Pumpkin's arrival, now we find ourselves (finally) in November.   Meanwhile, in the real world, it's been November for almost two weeks. 

     FRANCO:  Wow, was that the Longest. Halloween. Ever.   The good news is, The Great Pumpkin finally rose up out of the pumpkin patch.   The bad news is, I'm on the lam with someone even crazier than myself and a day-old premature baby that by a strange wrinkle in the space-time continuum appears to be 4 months old.   Hey, Nina!  This baby you call Zyrtec is not yours with Silas.   I think you've been screwing around with SONNY 'cuz that kid looks just like him.  See, I can't let you dial that cockadoody phone because if you call Silas, he calls the Po-Po and we're getting thrown in The Big House.  Either that or we're bunking with my wacky BLT-loving mother in Ferncliff.   Hey hey!  I take it back, you are the baby's mother.  The baby needs her mother because, despite my many attempts at kidnapping infants, I don't know how to do the whole diaper thing.   Give me the phone, Nina.  No Silas.  Capiche?

     NINA:  Guess what, Baby Zyrtec?  You're in another country now!  Can you say Canada?   This is my friend Franco.   I need to call Silas.  He's probably worried sick about me and Baby Zyrtec.  Gimme the phone.   What?   Why can't I call him?   You sound just like my mean mommy!   She told me I shouldn't call Silas and then she PRETENDED to call Silas.   She crossed me and so I went after her with Mr. Lamp.   Franco, you don't want me to find a household weapon to attack you with now, do you?    I'm not a nice person when I don't get my way.   Baby Zyrtec IS TOO MY BABY!!!  She's MY BABY WITH SILAS!   Take that back, Franco!   Say you know she's my baby!   SAY IT, SAY IT, SAY IT!!!   You know why you're my bestie, Franco?   Because you're crazy just like me.    But we're a GOOD CRAZY!   WE'RE A CRAZY-GOOD CRAZY!   Here, hold Zyrtec!   Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen?   She's not a day over 4 months old.   Oh, Franco, you are hilarious playing Bomb or No Bomb with Carly and those people I don't know.   Your mother's crazy too?   Boo Yah!

    MICHAEL:  Dammit, phone!  Where's the DEAD TO ME function?   So, Rosalie, wanna have some more sex?   You're the only other person who exists in my world anymore.  Besides me of course.  Mom--CARLY, and SONNY are DEAD TO ME.  So are MORGAN and KIKI.   Kiki has done nothing but lie to me and keep secrets from me.   She even lied to me about Morgan having rabies!   Speaking of MORGAN, he's weak and gullible.  He let Kiki totally play him.   She played him like a banjo.  Ok, let's have some more sex.   What could you have possibly done, Rosalie, that you want to forget?   Don't think you need to be feeling sorry for Ava.   She killed Connie Falconeri who was Sonny's girlfriend.   That poor baby has two criminals for parents and she's been kidnapped by a Heather Webber-grade whackjob.   Rosalie, I think we should adopt that kid and protect her from the evildoers of the world.  More. Sex. Now. 

   ROSALIE:  I had a great time, Michael, but I have to get going.  You have a girlfriend.  Oh, that's right, you disowned her.  She's not my favorite person in the world, but you might, after you're finished being totally justifiably pissed off, want to get back together.   I sort of did have an ulterior motive for sleeping with you.   I wanted to forget being chewed out by Nut-face Nina's cop brother-cousin.  He knew that I told Crazypants' mother where Ava was because said mother would have told my secret if I didn't.   What, Ava's a murderer?   Poor kid.   What the hell.  Let's go at it some more.

  KIKI:  Michael, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE WITH 5,000 CHERRIES ON TOP, PLEASE CALL ME!   I'm SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU!!!   Hi Dad.  I think I'm DEAD TO MICHAEL.  He won't answer his phone.  I've left him 6 trillion messages.   I MIIIIISSS HHHHIIIMMM!   Thanks for the advice, Dad.   I'll go over to his apartment right now.   Like, O to the MG!    What is MY BOYFRIEND doing in bed with Roooosalieeee?

  SILAS:  Ava, I think you need to listen to your brother and stay in bed.   Detective West is trying to get answers from Madeline right now.  Kiki, what's eating ya?   Did you try calling him?   You need to go over there and fight for him. 

 AVA:  Where am I?  WHERE'S MY BABY!   I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE AND FIND HER!   She's with NINA THE NUTCASE!   I am going to go rip that Madeline woman a new one!   She helped NINA take MY BABY!!!    JULIAN, I HAVE TO FIND MY BABY!   Silas, Silas you have to let me out of here to FIND MY BABY!!!!   Nina's YOUR DERANGED WIFE! 

NATHAN:  Mother, I need to ask you some questions.  You're at the hospital.  You got knocked unconscious.   The cuffs?  You're under arrest for aiding and abetting a kidnapping.   Where is Nina?  She left?  Where did she go?   Who was with her?   Franco?   How did Franco know where Nina was? 

 MADELINE:  Ugh, where am I?   Why am I in the hospital?  What's with the handcuffs?   Is this 50 shades of white coats?   Hi James!  I don't know where Nina is.  The last time I saw her she was holding lamp parts over me in murderous fashion.   Then someone came and took her and the baby.  That someone?  Franco.   Franco saved me from certain Death By Motel Lamp and then I passed out again. 

 DR. OBRECHT:  I am happy to help you Nassan.  I am your muzzer.  Magda looks so veak and small in zat hospital bed.  I used to be so afraid of her.   She vasn't always zis skinny little blonde wis no German accent.   Nassan, I am afraid I vas ze one to tell Franco vere Nina vas.  Nina and Franco aah friends.  

 MORGAN:  Mom, I'm so glad Franco didn't shoot you or blow you up.  Even if you do sometimes forget I exist because you're so obsessed with Mikey.   Hey, Mom, no worries.  You were wrong about Franco just like I was wrong about Ava.   Talking to Mikey might not be in the cards, Mom.  I'm kinda DEAD TO HIM.  So is Kiki.   We knew about Dad killing AJ.   Ava told us.   That's before I learned that Ava killed Connie.  Oh man, how can you guys arrest my mom?   Ava, there are people looking for your baby.    She will be found. 

 CARLY:   Morgan, thank you for making sure Michael didn't shoot Sonny.   He would have DESTROYED HIS LIFE if he did.  Once he got over this whole Sonny shooting AJ thing, he would have really regretted it if he had pulled the trigger.   About Ava, you can be forgiven for being wrong about her.  You're young and naive.   Hey, I'm glad I didn't lose you too.  What?  FRANCO KIDNAPPED A BABY TOO?   IT DOESN'T END WITH THAT FREAK!   It's okay, Morgan.  I knew this arrest was coming.  Besides, I have a hankering to see Sonny.   Sonny!   I've missed you!   Now we're in the clink together. 

 SONNY:  I have to get the hell out of here to go find my daughter or granddaughter.   I've gotta know which one she is, for one.   For two, she's out there with a total lunatic, and for three, she's a premature baby who needs to be in the hospital.   Oh, good!  Alexis to the rescue!    Come on, Alexis.  Spring me for old time's sake.  I HAVE TO FIND THAT BABY!   Carly!  You're in one piece!  Franco didn't blow you up!   Thank God!

DUKE:  That's funny.  I don't remember hiring an attorney.   I can't afford you, Alexis.  Lucy paid?  How generous of her.  I was hoping it was Anna, but oh well.   Alexis, defend Sonny instead.  I'd take a bullet for that man.

ANNA:  D.A. Baldwin, do you know where Franco is?  He is facing kidnapping charges for holding Carly, Shawn, Jordan, and your ex Heather Webber hostage.   That's a nice letter, but you need to arrest your son.  I need that warrant.  No favoritism.

SCOTT:   No, I don't know where Franco is, but I got this nice male-bonding letter from him.   He got all sentimental about sharing steak and booze with me while we were in our fuzzy robes at the MetroCourt.  Fine, fine!   I'll issue a warrant.

ALEXIS:  I'm not here to defend you, Sonny.  I'm here for Duke.  Hello, Sonny?  You fired me, remember!  You gave me the pink slip for canoodling with Julian.   Call Diane.  She hasn't been in bed with any Jeromes.  Not to my knowledge at least.  That woman does get around.  Is she still hung up on Max?