The Parent Pretzel, or Pass the Brain Bleach!

   Poor Sam, having to walk in on her parents having living room sex!   For her part, Alexis is just as embarrassed that her daughter's boyfriend saw her nipple.  Valerie manages to shoo Lulu and Tracy away, but Luke and his gun refused to budge.  Meanwhile, Tracy is suspicious that Valerie is hiding something--or someone--from them.   Olivia is having second thoughts about keeping her baby from his or her real daddy.  While Hayden reports to Ric and asks him to provide her with the proof she needs to satisfy Liz's suspicions, Jake and Liz lament that Hayden might really be Jake's wife.   

   SAM'S LIVING ROOM

  JULIAN:  Come here, sexy mama!  
  ALEXIS:  Why do I find mobsters so damn attractive?  (living room sex ensues)
  SAM:  OMG.  Cannot.  Unsee.  Brain.  Bleach. Now. 
  PATRICK:  Man, does our timing suck. 
  ALEXIS:  Hold on a second.  Let me get decent.   I thought you were in Boston.
  PATRICK:  We were in Boston.  Now we're back.  Spencer needed his space.
  SAM:  Apparently, so do I.  
  ALEXIS:  I'm dressed, Sam.   How is Spencer.  Is he okay?
  SAM:  He's freaked out about his scars, but otherwise he's fine.   By the way, thanks, Dad, for hiring Jake.  
 ALEXIS:  As in the hostage-taking, boat-blasting, intruder with a gun Jake?  
 SAM:  He was under your psycho stepmother's control when he did those things, remember?  

 VALERIE'S APARTMENT

  VALERIE:  You guys really need to go now.
  TRACY:  What's that noise?  Who do you have stashed in this house, Jimmy Hoffa?
  VALERIE:  (to herself) Close (to Tracy & Lulu)  That's my cat...Gunnar. 
   LULU:  Here, kitty kitty!
   VALERIE:  I wouldn't do that if I were you.  He can't stand people.  He's a completely misanthropic cat.  Well, it's been real.  Gunnar and I need to catch up on Southwest General and feed all of Calcutta. 
   LULU:  Keep in touch. 
  
 RIC'S HOTEL ROOM

  HAYDEN:  Knock knock!   Guess who got a starring role as Jake's wife? 
  RIC:  They bought it?   Well done. 
  HAYDEN:  Show me the money. 
  RIC:  (hands Hayden the envelope):  Here you go. 
  HAYDEN:  That's it?   Cheapskate!
  RIC:  You'll get more once you spirit Jake out of town and out of Elizabeth's life for good. 
  HAYDEN:  One little problem.  Elizabeth demands proof. 
  RIC:  It's all in this here folder.  Marriage license, social security card, health insurance, what more do you need?  
  HAYDEN:  Pictures.  How are your photoshop skills?  

 LIZ'S HOUSE

  LIZ:  So you really have a wife.  Are you sure you don't remember her? 
  JAKE:  Positive.  She's a complete stranger to me.  Dr. Drake said my memory was completely shot.
  LIZ:  But what if it's true.  What if you're married?  That would totally suck, wouldn't it?
  JAKE: Totally.  Hayden's nice looking enough, but I don't feel anything for her.  You're the only one I have feelings for. 
  LIZ:  We were so close to being happy together.   As usual, I have the worst timing with men. 

 DINER IN PENNSYLVANIA

 TRACY:  Valerie's hiding something.  I know it.  She was in such a hurry to get rid of us. 
 LULU:  To be fair, we did descend on her out of the blue and force our way into her home and start asking her questions about her dead mother. 
 TRACY:  About that, I'm not so sure Patricia is really dead.   Maybe she's stashing her in some closet.  I bet she doesn't have a cat either. 
 LULU:  No cat? 
 TRACY:  Did you see any hairballs lying around the house?  
 LULU:  But Valerie seemed so nice.  And she's my cousin too.

 VALERIE'S APARTMENT

 LUKE:  Hey, niece, that sure took long enough. 
 VALERIE:  Those women wouldn't take no for an answer.  For what it's worth, they're really worried about you. 
 LUKE:  Pfffft! 
 VALERIE:  So, you can leave anytime now.  Take your gun with you. 
 LUKE:  Not until you tell me where your mother is.  
 VALERIE:  I told you, she's dead.   Would I lie about that? 
 LUKE:  Would you?  
 VALERIE:  Get lost, psycho! 
 LUKE:  I don't think so.   I'm going to stay put right here until you tell me where you've stashed my sister.  

 SAM'S BEDROOM

 SAM:  I am traumatized for life.  This cannot happen again.  I cannot walk in on my parents...I can't even say it! 
 PATRICK:  Move in with me and I can promise me that you will never again be traumatized by The Parent Pretzel.  
 SAM:  I don't know.  How would Emma feel?  
 PATRICK:  Emma thinks you're awesome.   She'd love it.  
 SAM:  But you and Robin lived in that house together. 
 PATRICK:  I'm laying on the bed you shared with Jason, so we're even.  
 SAM:  I'll sleep on it.  How about we sleep on it together.  

 SAM'S LIVING ROOM

 JULIAN:  Move in with me, Alexis.  Living room sex won't be a problem in MY living room. 
 ALEXIS:  What about Molly?   She still kinda hates you.  
 JULIAN:   Let her move in with Ric. 
 ALEXIS:  Over my dead body!   I don't trust Ric as far as I can throw him.  
 JULIAN:  So, you don't want to move in with me because Molly hates me and you don't trust Ric. 
 ALEXIS:  Uh huh. 
 JULIAN:  So no more living room sex?  Ever? 
 ALEXIS:  Ever heard of bedroom sex?   Beds are a little more comfortable anyway.  

 KELLY'S

OLIVIA:   Julian attempted the prego belly grab.   Was so not cool with that, but I felt a little bad because he was kinda un-mobstery about it.  
NED:  So are you having second thoughts about the Ned's The Daddy: The Sequel? 
OLIVIA:  I hate lying about it, but Julian is in a dangerous business and I don't want my kid the target of mob violence. 
NED:  So, the kid's a Q and gets a spacious nursery in the Q mansion with all the Q trappings.  We Qs love our little ones, until they can walk and talk and then we SORAS them into teenagers.   Why we skip the stage where they're still cute instead of the stage where they hate us and want to rebel is a mystery to me.  
OLIVIA:  I'll think about this Baby Q thing.  As long as I don't have a house full of prego belly grabbers.