A Really Bad Idea

     Spinelli is able to spin out of the way of Nathan's jabs for three rounds, but the float went out of the butterfly in Round 4 and Nathan stung like a bee.   Tracy and Lulu go to see Pat and meet Pat's daughter Valerie instead.   Jake and Liz's first date is interrupted by a woman (played by Rebecca Budig) claiming to be Jake's wife.  Silas gives Ava bad news about the chemo.  Dante lets slip to Maxie about the "duel" between Nathan and Spinelli.  Franco and Nina meet with Scott and Alexis to decide their respective futures

    GYM

  SONNY:  Spinelli, my man, you've gotta wait Nathan out until he gets winded, then you lay one on him and TAKE HIM OUT.  Got it?   Let's practice.
  SPINELLI:  (Dodging Sonny's jabs) Are you winded yet, Mr. C?
  SONNY:  Are you sure you want to go through with this, Spinelli?   The guy's got 50 pounds on you and all of it is muscle.
  SPINELLI:  Affirmative.  This duel was my idea and I am most certainly going to see it to its completion.   Or expire from the effort.

   KELLY'S

   NATHAN:  Gotta go.  Get this, Spinelli challenged me to a duel.
   DANTE:  What, is he kidding?   No, that sounds exactly like the guy.   You didn't actually ACCEPT the challenge, did you?   You'll pummel the guy while he's flipping through the thesaurus in his brain.
  NATHAN:  I know, and I tried to talk him out of it, but he was insistent that it's the only fair way to decide who walks out of Maxie's life.
  DANTE:  This is a really bad idea.

  SECRET GREEN BAD NEWS ROOM

  AVA:  Are those my labs?   Is the chemo working?
  SILAS:  It's too early to tell, Ava.
  AVA:  BS, Silas.  You know the results and you're afraid to tell me.
  SILAS:  Fine, Ava, the labs say you're getting worse.
  AVA:  So this torture is for nothing?   It'll probably kill me before the cancer does.
  SILAS:  You just have to stick it out a little longer and give it a chance to work.
  AVA:  What's the point?   My family thinks I'm already dead.
  SILAS:  It's the only chance you have to survive, Ava.
  AVA:  How much of a chance do I really have?
  SILAS:  Come on, Ava.  Haven't I given you enough bad news for today?
  AVA:  Tell me the truth, dammit!
  SILAS:  Fine.   The odds are against you.
  AVA: Then just kill me now.   I've already had my funeral for crying out loud!

  LIZ'S HOUSE

  JAKE:  So, am I a good kisser or what?
  LIZ:  Well, I've kissed a lot of men in this town.  You weren't bad, but, you know what they say--practice makes perfect!
  JAKE:  That it does.   I'm really into you, Uhlizabeth.   Are you really into me?
  LIZ:  Until the next man who needs fixing comes along, sure!
  JAKE:  So what are we going to do about it?
  LIZ:  Light some candles and drink baby wine, of course!
  JAKE:  You mean, go on a date without even leaving the house?   Sure, why not.

  SHADYBROOK

   FRANCO:  Look, it's the earless monkey!   You should have seen the gorilla who ate his ear!
   SCOTT:  Nice to see you too again, son.
   ALEXIS:  This is all very amusing, but I need a moment to meet with my client.
   NINA:  She's going make sure I get my bionic baby back.
   SCOTT:  I find it fascinating how quickly crazy can saturate a room.   I should have worn earmuffs.    FRANCO:  Tell me, am I crazy?  Crazy for feeling so lonely?
   ALEXIS:  Nina, you have a hearing coming up you need to show you've made a full recovery or there won't be another hearing.
    NINA:  Will Silas be there?   Will he bring Bionic Jaime?   I have to see my baby!
    FRANCO:  Isn't it ironic that you of all people are talking about a HEARING?   You oughta know that if I were back in Pentonville I'd be shivved to death by the toothbrush brigade.   Better the nuthouse than the Big House, right, Pops?
    ALEXIS:  Nina, are you understanding me?   You, Nina Clay, could spend the rest of your life in an insane asylum instead of being free to start living your life again.
    NINA:  Like, come ON, Alexis.  I was TOTALLY faking.   Why doesn't someone hand me the Oscar already?
    FRANCO:  Hey Daddy-O, you know this has all been a piece of Franco Performance Art, right?   I've been bogus bananas for weeks.
    SCOTT:  You mean your mother DIDN'T plunge a needle of LSD into your neck? 
    FRANCO:  No, silly.  I did that.   I did it for Nina.   Sure, I was living in Jerry Garcia's kaleidoscope for 48 hours, but everything else has been a free show of ersatz lunacy.
    ALEXIS:  You have been FAKING your insanity?  Do I dare ask why?
    NINA:  Franco.   He's my bestie and my boyfriend.  I can't abandon him. 
    ALEXIS:  Then you're not faking your crazy after all.   
   
      

  PAT SPENCER'S APARTMENT

  LULU:  OMG, Tracy, what if Pat DOESN'T have the answers?   What if she tells us to get lost?  What if she's a man in drag?
  TRACY:  We won't know unless we KNOCK ON THAT DOOR ALREADY!
  LULU:  (knocks on the door)  She isn't home.  Or maybe she's taking a shower.  Or maybe...
  TRACY:  Oh, Pat, for the love of Frank Valentini, ANSWER THE GODDAMN DOOR!
  VALERIE:  Um, hello?
   LULU:  Sorry, I think we have the wrong apartment.
   TRACY:  We're looking for Pat Spencer.
   VALERIE:  She's my mother.
   TRACY:  She had a kid? 
    LULU:  That makes us cousins.   I'm Lulu Spencer Falconeri.   Daughter of your uncle Luke Spencer.  My dad's gone off the deep end and we're hoping your mother, as his older sister, can help him. 
    VALERIE:  Valerie Spencer.  I'm sorry, but my mom is dead.
    LULU:  I'm so sorry, NuCousin.
    TRACY:  Maybe your mom told you some of her deepest, darkest family secrets.
    LUKE:  (silently) Get rid of them, sweet niece, or Uncle Luke's gonna have to get creative with knives and guns.  And bombs.  Don't forget bombs.  
    VALERIE:  I'm sorry, but my mother wasn't the chatty type.

   KELLY'S

   MAXIE:  Hi Dante.  Where's Nathan?
   DANTE:  He had something he had to take care of.  Like fighting Spinelli at my dad's gym.  You didn't hear it from me.
   MAXIE:  Nathan is fighting Spinelli?   Talk about an unfair fight.   I need to put an end to this.  Watch the kid.
   DANTE:  I tried to talk him out of it...

  GYM

  NATHAN:  Let's get this over with.   You know, Spinelli, you can always call whole thing off.
  SPINELLI:  Call it off?   You are most amusing, Detective. 
  REFEREE:  Four rounds.  No stepping out of the ring.  Ready?  Go!
  NATHAN:  (Jab Jab, Hook, Hook)
  SPINELLI:  (Spin, Dodge, Scamper to the other end of ring, Dodge)
  NATHAN:  (Jab, Hook)
  SPINELLI:  (Duck, Scamper, Spin)
  REF:  Time!
  NATHAN:  (Pant, Pant)
  SPINELLI:  Water!
  REF:  Round 2!
  NATHAN:  (Hook, Hook, Jab, Hook)
  SPINELLI:  (Dodge, Spin, Scamper, Duck)

  LIZ'S HOUSE

  JAKE:  Damn, this wine's for the birds!
  LIZ:  It's white cranberry juice.
  JAKE:  No wonder.   But I love the turkey sandwiches, even if the booze leaves a lot to be desired.
  LIZ:  You always liked my turkey sandwiches.
  JAKE:  Yet every time I try one, it's like the very first time.   At least I can't bore you with my life story.
  LIZ:  Let's leave those candles burning for Cameron to do his experiments.   I have a better way to spend the evening than stuffing our faces.
 DOORBELL:  RING!
 LIZ:  Who could it be now?
 JAKE:  If it's the Jehovah's Witnesses, send them away.
 WOMAN AT DOOR WHO LOOKS LIKE REBECCA BUDIG:  Hello.  Does a Jake Doe hang out here?
 LIZ:  What's it to you?
 WOMAN:  I'm his wife.

 GYM

REF:  Round 4
NATHAN:  (Jab Hook Jab)
SPINELLI:  (Spin, Dodge, Fall Helplessly to ground)
MAXIE:  Nathan, what the???????