The Untilted Dillon Quartermaine Project

     That's the working non-title title of Dillon's ubiquitous screenplay, which was the Special Guest Star of today's episode.   Paul reads it on the sly and it inspires him to write Dillon a fat check for a half-million bucks.  Lulu is moved to tears by the screenplay.   The screenplay also reveals Jake Doe's true identity, who killed Silas Clay, and who put Hayden Barnes in a coma, as well as what Dante and Valerie were REALLY up to on the Fourth of July.  And in the climactic scene, Rosalie's big HUGE largely-forgotten secret is revealed.  Okay, so all of those revelations are a mix of snark and wishful thinking (wishful snarking?).

       Liz panics when Jake proposes to her on the hospital balcony.   At the chapel, Liz looks for answers and runs into Sam, who, unaware of the secret Liz is keeping from her and Jake, gives Liz a pep talk.  At the PCPD, Valerie confides in Jordan about dating Dillon.   Nikolas convinces Hayden to move in with him.

         Q MANSION

       PAUL:  Hey there, son.  How does 500 grand sound to get your screenplay off the ground?   Sure beats one of those crowdfunding websites, doesn't it?
       DILLON:  I'm not taking a red cent from my deadbeat dad.
       DILLON'S SCREENPLAY:  TAKE IT, kid.  TAKE IT!   
       PAUL:  You know, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, son.  I took the liberty of reading that screenplay of yours. 
       DILLON:  Oh no you didn't!  Only blondes named Lulu are allowed to read these sacred pages!   It's strictly off limits to dads who wait over two decades to remember they have a son.
        PAUL:  So maybe I missed some stuff like all of your childhood and at least half of your twenties.  How old are you again?   The point is, we both have loved and lost and had to learn how to love again, am I right?
        DILLON:  Maybe, but I'm still pissed that you read my script.
        PAUL:  So, seeing anyone?
        DILLON:  Sort of.  This girl Valerie Spencer.  She's Lulu's cousin.  She's not half bad.
        PAUL:  Now THAT sounds like true love.
        DILLON:  We've had exactly one date.  Give it time.
        PAUL:  Hey, the only reason I read your screenplay was to get to know you better.   What do you say you let your old man help you out?
        DILLON:  It's a half million dollars, Dad.
        PAUL:  Isn't that chump change to you Quartermaines?
        DILLON:  Fine, I'll take it.
        DILLON'S SCREENPLAY:  Finally, some sense, dear author.  Oscars, here we come!

          DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT

         LULU:  (reading Dillon's script)OMG, such drama!  Such angst!  Such relationship destruction!
         DANTE:  Still thinking about me and Valerie?
         LULU:  You and Valerie just kissed.  Marjorie had wild, passionate SEX with another man.   Poor Declan!
         DILLON'S SCREENPLAY:  Poor Declan?  Poor ME!  These tears are blurring the carefully-crafted lines!   
          DANTE'S CONSCIENCE:  Sounds familiar.  Fourth of July with one Valerie Spencer ringing a bell?  
          DANTE:  Who the hell are Declan and Marjorie anyway?
          LULU:  The two main characters of Dillon's screenplay.  
          DANTE:  What, did someone die or something?
          LULU:  Not someone, Dante.  SomeTHING.   Declan and Marjorie's relationship.  Their engagement.  All up in smoke because she cheated on him.  Let's have sex.
          DANTE'S CONSCIENCE:  Remember the last time you did the horizontal tango?  It wasn't with your wife, buddy.
          DANTE:  Let's do it.
         

           PCPD

           VALERIE:  I've moved on from Dante.  I'm dating Dillon now.
           JORDAN:  Do you have a thing for guys whose names begin with D?  Or does it have more to do with guys who know your cousin Lulu?
            VALERIE:  It's not like there are a whole lot of available guys in this town.  Nathan is with Maxie and there's no WAY I'm messing with Lulu's vigilante BFF.   Michael is with Sabrina.  Morgan is with some girl named Kiki.   Patrick is with Sam.  Jake is with Elizabeth.   And Nikolas?  He may be a prince, but his castle and all those women he keeps company with seriously creep me out.
            JORDAN:  When you put it that way, I guess your options are limited.

           HOSPITAL

           JAKE:  Will you marry me, Uhlizabeth?
           LIZ:  No, no, no, Jake.  You're supposed to say "I'm KING OF THE WORLD!"
           JAKE:  That was last time.  This time I'm proposing.  Sorry I don't have a ring.
           LIZ'S CONSCIENCE:  Hello?  Dude's already married.  To Sam.  Put me out of my misery and 'fess up already!
           LIZ:  Um...uh...I really have to pee.   (runs off)

           SAM:  I have to go to the chapel to pray for Silas's soul.  And arrange a memorial.  I promised Kiki I'd handle that for her.
            PATRICK:  I've got to check on a few more brains.  Catch you later?
            SAM:  Later.

            NIKOLAS:  Move in with me.
            HAYDEN:  Why?  I thought we didn't get along.
            NIKOLAS:  There's something to be said for letting bygones be bygones.  Besides, I've been dabbling in so much darkness I'm starting to feel a little too Cassadiney for my liking.  Putting up a hospitalized homeless woman would do my embattled conscience a world of good.
            NIKOLAS'S CONSCIENCE:  Bravo, my dear prince.  Bravo!   You are thinking like a true Cassadine.  You must keep Hayden under 24 hour surveillance to ensure she does not reveal Jake's true identity.
             NIKOLAS:  (to self) Why does my conscience have the voice of my grandmother?  (to Hayden) Take as many rooms as you want.  No strings attached.
             HAYDEN:  Really?  You mean to tell me I won't be your round-the-clock sex slave?   That is SO not what I'm about.
             NIKOLAS:  (laughing hysterically):  I have so missed your sense of humor.

             CHAPEL

             LIZ:  Oh, wise one in the sky, what should I do?   Jake asked me to marry him.  But he's already married.  To Sam.  Because he's Jason.  But he's the man of my dreams.   But I am lying to him every day.  OMG, I'M SO CONFUSED!   HELP ME OH WISE ONE!  HEEEEELLLLPPPP MEEEE!
            SAM:  Looks like I have some company.   Whose soul are you praying for, Elizabeth?
            LIZ:  Jake proposed to me.
            SAM:  So you're lighting candles in a chapel and crying?   Help me out here.
            LIZ:  He...I...
            SAM:  Look, I know what happened the last time a guy gave you a ring.  All of Port Chuckles knows, and Ric's scummier than scum.
            LIZ:  But Sam, I...
            SAM:  If you love Jake, you know what you need to do.
            LIZ:  But he's...
            SAM:  He's in love with you.  And I'm in love with Patrick.  Aren't we lucky to have two great guys in our lives.
            LIZ:  Thanks, Sam.  (leaves)
            LIZ'S CONSCIENCE:  Bok bok bok bok BOK!

            HOSPITAL

            JAKE:  Where were you, Uhlizabeth?  I'm sorry to spring that marriage proposal on you in such a random way.
            LIZ:  The answer is yes!  I will marry you.
            LIZ'S CONSCIENCE:  (bangs head against the wall)