I Can't Marry You, Part Deux

     This time it's Brad saying those words to Lucas.  Luke is visited by the ghosts of his parents and Patricia as he contemplates ending it all in the Elm Street House.  Bobbie gives Valerie an old picture of Patricia as a teenager.   At the gym, Dante confides in Nathan about sleeping with and at the Haunted Star, Lulu and Maxie catch up.   Michael tells Sabrina he's falling in love with her. 

      HOSPITAL

        BRAD:  The thing is, Lucas, even though I was the one to pop the question Bruno Mars-style at the Nurses' Ball, I can't actually marry you. 
        LUCAS:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?   Why can't you marry me?   Is it Felix?  Is it your parents?  Are you afraid of a Big Fat Gay Wedding?    
        BRAD:  Try none of the above.  Marrying you would make me a bigamist.
        LUCAS:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?    You're already married?   I'm your mistress, or would that be your mister?  
        BRAD:  It's a long story and I'm sooooooooo sorry.  
        LUCAS:  Start talking.  

        ELM STREET HOUSE

        LUKE:  You're at the end of your rope, Luke Spencer.   The demons have won. 
        GHOST TIM SPENCER:  You bet your ASS they've won.   So quit wasting my time and end it already!  
        LUKE:  Whatsamatter, Dad?  In a hurry to get back to hell?  
        GHOST TIM:  No, you idiot, I'm here to take you WITH ME!   Because, Luke, that's where you belong.  In hell with MEEEEEEEEEE!    So hurry the hell up and pull that trigger.  
        LUKE:  I'm not going anywhere with you, you evil bastard!  
        GHOST TIM:  Oh yes you are, because YOU ARE ME, LUKE!  YOU ARE MEEEEEEEE!  
        GHOST PATRICIA:  Don't listen to him, Luke!   You are not Daddy.  
        LUKE:  Patricia!  You're so much younger than the last time I saw you.  
        GHOST PATRICIA:  When you make it to HEAVEN, you get to chose what how old your ghost is.  Listen, Luke, I protected you that night when Mama and Daddy died.   I left my family behind so you wouldn't have to face what you've done. 
         LUKE:  You did a good thing, Pat.  But I don't deserve to live.  Not after what I did to Mama. 
         GHOST LENA:  You didn't mean to whack me upside the head with a baseball bat, Luke.  You were trying to protect me from your bigoted monster of a father.  You were trying to protect us all, Luke. 
         LUKE:  Oh, Mama.  You look just like my niece Caroline!  

        METROCOURT

         BOBBIE:  Valerie, long time no see!   How would you like to help me plan a Big Fat Gay Wedding?  
         VALERIE:  I'm all for marriage equality and all, but I'm afraid that if I get in the middle of Lucas's wedding planning, his fiance might thing I'm having an affair with him.   
         BOBBIE:  Say WHAAAAAAAAT?  
         VALERIE:  I kissed my cousin's hubby.   
         BOBBIE:  You kissed Dante?  
         VALERIE:  Well, technically he kissed me because he thought Lulu was having an affair with Dillon. 
          BOBBIE:  You sure miss a lot when you're camped out in a hole in the Port Chuckles space-time continuum. 
          VALERIE:  It turns out, Lulu was just trying to save her brother's life.  
           BOBBIE:   What was wrong with Lucky?  
           VALERIE:  Some scary 200 year old man from Luke's past was holding him hostage.   It's a long story, but Dante got the wrong idea.  It won't happen again.  
           VALERIE'S UNBORN BABY:   PFFFFFFFT!  

          GYM

             DANTE:  So, I thought Lulu was gettin' it on with Dillon and I crossed the line.  
             NATHAN:  By crossing the line, you mean...
             DANTE:  I slept with Valerie.  
             NATHAN:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?  
             DANTE:  It was on the Fourth of July.   I was all wacked out on that weird craft beer, The Frustrated Peacock.  
             NATHAN:  Dude, that's strong stuff!   You gotta be careful with The Peacock.  
             DANTE:  Tell me about it.  But hey, sorry for dumping this all on you. 
             NATHAN:  So what did Lulu say when you told her what happened.  
             DANTE:  She just thinks we kissed.  I can't tell her about the sex.  It would ruin our marriage and Rocco's life. 
             NATHAN:  I won't say anything, but you'd better hope Valerie doesn't start eating for two anytime soon.  

            HAUNTED STAR

            MAXIE:  OMG, Lulu, Valerie kissed Dante?   I KNEW that girl was up to NO GOOD!  
            LULU:  Slow your roll, Maxie.  Dante was the one who kissed Valerie.  She told me she put a stop to it.  
            MAXIE:  So THAT'S her story.  
            LULU:  You don't buy it?  
            MAXIE:  You've never watched a soap opera, have you?  

            Q BOATHOUSE

            MICHAEL:  Let's go swimming.
            SABRINA:  How about I watch you swim instead.  
            MICHAEL:  Bok bok bok bok BOK!  
            SABRINA:  Or we can always have sex.
            MICHAEL:  I think I'm in LURVE!  
          
            HOSPITAL

            LUCAS:  Sorry, Brad.  I gotta go be a doctor now.  But this discussion isn't over.  I need to know who this dude is you're married to. 
       
             METROCOURT

             GHOST PATRICIA:  (seeing Valerie stare at a picture her)  Ever been hugged by a ghost before?  

             ELM STREET HOUSE

            BOBBIE:  Luke, what are you doing in this house with a gun?  
            LUKE:  Just talking to a bunch of ghosts.  Two out of three of them told me not to use it and the third, well he has spent the last fifty-two years in the seventh circle of hell.