Marriage of Convenience

   Nathan tells Maxie part of the story about his marriage to Claudette.  Nina channels her wackadoo days when she finds out Julian is behind the Crimson sabotage.  Franco has encouraging words for Liz.   Jason and Sam talk to Shawn at Pentonville while Hayden puts the screws to Nikolas.   Dr. Finn bonds with his demanding patient. 

     ACTUAL OUTDOORS (BUT WAY TOO WARM AND SUNNY FOR UPSTATE NEW YORK IN EARLY APRIL)

      NATHAN:  So I met Claudette, the French Canadian at a bar, proposed to her on our second date, got married and then had the marriage annulled.   It was a marriage of convenience.  
      MAXIE:  And getting shot and being doped up on pain meds reminded you of this marriage of convenience how? 
      NATHAN:  Well, I WAS shot in a church during a wedding... 
      MAXIE:  You have a point, but I still don't get why you didn't tell me why you married some French Canadian girl after all of two dates and why you kept all of this a huge secret from me. 
      NATHAN:  If I didn't marry her, she'd get deported.  You know how that goes, though Fake Levi wasn't even Australian.  
      MAXIE:  So why did you get an annulment?   Did she take you hostage on your wedding and try to murder you with a sword made of your family's prized Aztec jewels?  
      NATHAN:  Let's just say Claudette got around.  

     
     HOSPITAL

       FRANCO:  Hey, Elizabeth, you won't believe what I just saw on Hulu.  It was my former curly haired psychotic self, except I was time traveling to the '60s, saving JFK, then undoing my saving of JFK and ending up dancing with the re-incarnated Helena Cassadine.  Spooky!   What are you scouring the interwebs for? 
      LIZ:  A place to live that hasn't been blown up or isn't inhabited by a Haychel.  
      FRANCO:  Ever thought of shacking up with Jake's dad?  
      LIZ:  Been there, done that. 
      DR. FINN:  Hey, Elizabeth, thanks for taking care of my service lizard.  
      FRANCO:  Service lizard?   Is that a thing?  
      DR. FINN:  Damn straight it's a thing.   You should really consider it.  

    
      METROCOURT ROOM

       HAYCHEL:  I know what you did last spring, Nikolas.  
       NIKOLAS:  Can you narrow it down a little? 
       HAYCHEL:  We had a lot of Le Petit Mort, I knew Jake Doe was really Jason, you didn't care because you loved having Le Petit Mort with me, I broke a priceless Russian vase, oh, and YOU TRIED TO HAVE ME KILLED!  
       NIKOLAS:  (to himself)  How the HELL does she know that?  I'm ROYALLY screwed!  (to Haychel) You're misremembering things, Haychel.   Shawn Butler was trying to shoot Jakeson and since he's a notoriously bad shot, his bullet plugged you instead.  
       HAYCHEL:  WRONG!   Shawn isn't just a bad shot, he's an ATROCIOUS shot and his bullet hit NOTHING!   There was another shooter and it was one of YOUR goons.   You knew I was going to that garage to rat you out and you tried to stop it from happening.   Therefore, you're going to shred that prenup and cough up ELQ or you're taking Shawn's place in The Big House.  

    
    CRIMSON OFFICE

      NINA:  Curtis, don't keep us waiting.  Who's the rat bastard who tried to sabotage Crimson?
      CURTIS:  (nods in Julian's direction)  You're looking at him. 
      NINA:  Julian, it was you???   You will ANSWER for what you did!   REPENT (throws magazine pages at Julian) REPENT (throws a chair at Julian) REPENT!!!  (throws assorted office supplies at Julian) 
      JULIAN:  Whoa, Nina, can you dial down the crazy a notch or fifty?  
      NINA:  You think THIS is crazy?   (Points stiletto heel at Julian)  I WOULD show you crazy, but I'm going to be a mature adult about it and call my baby brother, the cop.   After all, you committed fraud about 5,000 times, so it shouldn't be too hard to get you thrown in the slammer.  
      JULIAN:  This office looks like a couple of natural disasters hit it.  Isn't it too late for being a mature adult? 
      NINA:  Fork over Crimson or get cuffed.  
     

     TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

    DR. FINN:  You leave this hospital over your own dead body. 
    TRACY:  I've come to appreciate how you don't sugar-coat things, Dr. Finn, but, honestly, will my brain worms die faster if I'm stuck in a hospital bed wearing striped jammies?   
    DR. FINN:   You'd be surprised at the anti-parasitic properties of striped jammies.   I'm trying to get some specially made for Roxy. 
    TRACY:  You're having pajamas made for you "service lizard"?  
    DR. FINN:  Wouldn't you do anything in your power to protect Ned and Dillon from potential parasitic infection? 


   PENTONVILLE

    SAM (on prison phone with Shawn):  We have reason to think your bullet missed human flesh altogether.  
    SHAWN:  That's funny.  Hayden thought the same thing. 
    SAM:  By the way, it's Haychel now.  She's Raymond Bernie Madoff's daughter Rachel.  What if one of Daddy's enemies went after her.   Or Daddy himself.   Do you remember any random person with a gun standing by you when you took that shot?
    SHAWN:  No, I didn't look both ways before pulling the trigger.  Can you put Jason on? 
    JASON:  Hey, look, no hard feelings, man.  
    SHAWN:  I know you don't remember us being buddies, but we were and when I found out you were Jason, I was wrecked, man.   Sometimes being a lousy shot can be a good thing. 
    

   HOSPITAL

   FRANCO:  Seriously, Elizabeth, you're much less of a mess than you were after Jason dumped you.   I call that progress.  
   LIZ:  Thank you, Franco.  I think. 
   OBRECHT:  Franco, my liebchen genius, vy aah you vasting your time viss zat simpering Nurse Vebber?   Vat about Nina? 
    FRANCO:  Nina's trying to get me pregnant.
    OBRECHT:  Now zat vould be something to see.   If any man can be pregnant, Franco, it vould be you.  

   
  CRIMSON OFFICE

   MAXIE:  OMG!   Who bombed our office?
   JULIAN:  Don't look at me!   (leaves)
   NINA:  There was a little misunderstanding.  
   MAXIE:  I'll say.     
   NINA:  Crimson is mine now, Maxie.  ALL MINE!  
   MAXIE:  Your brother had a French Canadian ex-wife. 

  
   METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM

   LIZ:  Hello, HAYCHEL! 
   HAYCHEL:  Look who's got a needle and ink to tattoo "Property of Busy Lizzie" on your forehead, Nikolas.   Too bad he's still taken, Busy Lizzie!   (leaves)
   NIKOLAS:  She knows, Liz.  
   LIZ:  You're kinda screwed. 
   NIKOLAS:  YOU THINK??? 

   
  ACTUAL OUTDOORS

   HAYCHEL:  Guess what?   My prince of a hubby knows I know he tried to have me killed.   You still got the proof? 
   CURTIS:  What?  Do you think your BFF would flush the goods on your poisonous prince down the toilet?  
   HAYCHEL:  I may need that proof sooner rather than later.  It's all I have to save my marriage and my meal ticket. 
   CURTIS:  I've got a better idea.   Ditch the creepy castle and your homicidal hubby and let ME be your meal ticket. 


   NATHAN:  (on phone with Obrecht) So Maxie knows the partial truth about Claudette.  Tread lightly, mother.
    OBRECHT:  It is a good sing you did not tell her ze whole troos, Nassan.  Zat vould have been a very bad idea.

   
   HOSPITAL

      TRACY:  Thank you for letting me clean your clock in Monopoly, Dr. Finn. 
      DR. FINN:  It really wasn't a fair fight.  You had a couple thousand parasitic worms up there working for you.  
      TRACY:  And you don't have some sort of psychic connection with your bearded service lizard dragon?  
     DR. FINN:  I see blood.   Impending seizure!   Danger, Tracy Quartermaine!  Danger!!!!
     TRACY:  SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE SEIZURE