Is That A Shadow I See?

    Actual sunshine in Port Chuckles?   Outdoor scenes that actually look like they were filmed outdoors?   I guess it's something different, but compared to the April 1 show last year, it was just business as usual today.   Dante warns Curtis not to do Valerie wrong.  Nathan 'fesses up to Maxie about Claudette.  Alexis laments the way she handled Kristina's coming out.  Lucas and Brad finally set a date.  (Rosalie must have gone into Witness Protection).  A famous fashionista I have personally never heard of agrees to do a feature for Crimson.   Curtis cracks the Crimson sabotage case.   Nikolas wants a divorce from Haychel.  Jason and Sam discuss Haychel's shooting. 

      GYM

      DANTE:  Hey Curtis, if you screw Valerie over, you have to answer to me.
      CURTIS:  Hey Falconeri, last I checked, Valerie doesn't have "Property of Dante Falconeri" tattooed on her forehead. 
      NATHAN:  Hey Partner, remember how you got back together with Lulu?   Two's company, three's a crowd.   I should know.   Maxie's still in the dark about my ex-wife. 
      DANTE:  You selling tix for when you tell her?  I want a front row seat. 


     JASON'S NEW PLACE

     SAM:  What's wrong, Jason?  Instructions for that toychest in Swahili? 
     JASON:  It's from IKEA.  Close enough.   Where's my stupid Allen wrench?   It doesn't even look like a wrench.  It's just some bent piece of metal.  
     SAM:  Maybe I should help you with this, what with my badassery in all things mechanical. 
     JASON:  So how's your case going? 
     SAM:  So Hayden is Rachel and her dad is Bernie Madoff and they ran some cons together.   Bernie was busted and Rachel was broke, so she hit Ric up for some quick cash.   When that went south and she found out you were Jason, she moved on to her next meal ticket: my cousin, the prince. 


     THE REAL OUTDOORS

      ALEXIS:  Kristina told me she was gay and I came off sounding like Ted Cruz. 
      JULIAN:  And I thought I screwed the pooch when Lucas came out to me!    What did you say to her?
      ALEXIS:  That she was sexually confused and manipulated by her lesbian cougar professor.
      JULIAN:  Okay, you win at offspring coming out support FAIL. 


       CRIMSON OFFICE

       MAXIE:  OMG!  It's JOE ZEE!!!   Be still my fashionista heart! 
       NINA:  Your boss is kinda awesome, isn't she? 
       JOE:  It's an HONOR to meet the creative geniuses behind the green issue! 
       MAXIE;  About that, it wasn't really supposed to be green.  Our printer screwed us over and we turned limes into limeade.  And when our printer screwed us over AGAIN and printed all the pages loose, Nina dropped them out of a plane! 
      

        ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE

      KRISTINA:  Lucas, I am sexually confused and somewhere between 10 and 100% gay.
      LUCAS:  Now THERE'S something you don't hear every day.   What makes you think you are some degree of gay?
      KRISTINA:  I have a mad crush on my hot older female professor. 
      LUCAS:  Welcome to my world.  Do you parents know?
      KRISTINA:  Mom knows, but she's in a decidedly un-liberal state of denial.  She thinks my prof planted gay seeds in my head or whatever.


        METROCOURT ROOM

       NIKOLAS:  I want a divorce, Haychel.
       HAYCHEL:  But...but...even though I was conning you into giving me ELQ so I could turn it over to Tracy, I really did love you.  
       NIKOLAS:  Our marriage was a lie.  You signed the documents under your fake name. 
       HAYCHEL:  Because if I signed them with my real name, the whole Vegas Burger King Wedding never would have happened.

    
        CRIMSON OFFICE

       MAXIE:  So, my boyfriend has this ex-girlfriend that he declared his love to while under the sauce in the hospital after getting shot.   He lied to me and said she was his dog.   Then I told him to just forget about the whole thing.  
       JOE:  Good call.   Let bygones be bygones.   Nice shoes. 
       MAXIE:  Thanks Supreme Fashionista!  (hugs Joe)
       NATHAN:  What did I just walk in on? 
       MAXIE:  Nathan, I want you to meet the best fashionista on the planet, Joe Zee.   Joe, this is said boyfriend Nathan West.
       JOE:  Gotta go to LA to deal with another red carpet wardrobe malfunction. 
    

        ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE

       LUCAS:  Brad and I are FINALLY getting married. 
      ALEXIS & JULIAN:  Congratulations!
      ALEXIS:  I'm SO happy for you!   You're gay and not being swayed by any manipulative professor. 
      KRISTINA:  NO FAIR!!!  I'm SO outta here. 

    
        CRIMSON OFFICE

       CURTIS:  (over phone)  Billing department, we got ourselves a problem.   No fair charging us for binding when there's no binding holding the latest issue of Crimson together.   The Editor-in-Chief dropped pages from a PLANE for crying out loud and told everybody to put the damn magazine together themselves!   SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?   It was SUPPOSED to be printed that way?  SAYS WHO???   Hmmmmmmmm, the plot thickens...
       NINA:  Mr. Ashford, what's the latest on our saboteur?   (Julian walks out of the elevator)
       CURTIS:  You'd better sit down for this. 


         JASON'S NEW PLACE

        SAM:  What if YOU weren't the target of that bullet?   What if it was Haychel? 
        JASON:  Why would Shawn Butler want to shoot Haychel? 
        SAM:  What if there was a SECOND SHOOTER? 


        THE REAL OUTDOORS

        NATHAN:  Maxie, I have to tell you something.  Claudette is my ex-wife.
        MAXIE:  April Fool!  Right? 
        NATHAN:  What?  It's April Fool's Day?   How come nobody told me?  But seriously, Maxie, I was married to Claudette.
        MAXIE:  And you telling me this NOW? 
        NATHAN:  You know how things are in this town.  When couples get too happy, something has to happen to shake them up.   Besides, you had enough past to dredge up for the both of us!