The Jason Show that was All About Jason

   

  I'm back, albeit on a "recurring" basis.   In other words, when I see a show I feel like blogging, I'll blog it.   Today's show was a standalone staring Jason Jake Quartermaine Morgan Doe Morgan as himself.   When Carrrrrrrrrrrlos was making a run for it, the PCPD transfer van crashed into a dude on a motorcycle.   Who could that POSSIBLY BE?    What a TRULY BAFFLING turn of events!   But hey, whatever puts HELLZ-BELLZ on my screen works for me!

    
     ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD ALONG RTE 9 (because Rte 31 was closed for construction)

      JASON:  ANOTHER ACCIDENT???   This is getting ridiculous, people!   Who ran me down this time?   A giant honkin' COP VAN!   Can anyone give cops a ticket for reckless driving or do they have to do it themselves?    Hey, anyone alive in there???
      GHOST OF RANDOM COP WHO WAS DRIVING VAN:  Um, not me.  Thanks for cutting off my raging lunatic prisoner, PUNK!
       JASON:  Oooookay, he's dead.   Any other mangled bodies around here, dead or alive?
       UNCONSCIOUS DANTE:  Is it just me or am I being pinned down by a giant honkin' prisoner transfer van?
        HALLUCI-ROBIN:  You can SAVE, Dante, Jason.  You can do it!  Why?  BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPER JASON, hero hitman with a conscience! 
    

       MYSTERIOUS BLUE ROOM IN Q MANSION

       SAM:  Should I tuck Danny in, chat up my ex-nephew-in-law, or wring my hands worrying about the whereabouts of my ex-hubby Jason?
       MICHAEL:  I vote for option B.   Hey, if it's any comfort, I'm wringing my hands worrying about the whereabouts of my ex-girlfriend, so I can totes relate.
       SAM:  For that matter, where is Danny?   I haven't seen him since he was, like, four.
       MICHAEL:  Yeah, he's grown so much and the baby teeth count is down by at least five or six.

   
       ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

      JASON:  Dante, buddy, the bad news is that you're trapped under this prison van.  The good news is that Robin says I'm Super Jason and I can get you out of here if I put my mind to it.   The other bad news is that I have a headache that Excedrin can't touch.
     HALLUCI-ROBIN:  You'll figure it out, Jason, and you'll save Dante.  Go Jason!  Go Jason!  Go go go Jason!
     JASON:  So, it I just move the dead guy out of the driver's seat and put the van in neutral...
     HALLUCI-CARLY:  Good luck with that.   One wrong move and Dante turns into Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump.
      JASON:  So now I'm hallucinating Carly.  Who's next?  Elizabeth?  God forbid, Franco???
      HALLUCI-CARLY:  Forget about those losers!  I'M here!  Your BESTIE!
      JASON:  Then why have you been spending so much time with that weird doctor and his pet lizard?
      HALLUCI-CARLY:  It's a service lizard.  No, make that a service bearded dragon.   Why Jasey-jase, are you JEALOUS? 

      
         MYSTERIOUS BLUE Q ROOM

        SAM:  I miss the old Jason, but I feel guilty about it because Jason-Minus-Memories is a really nice guy as long as he's not in the same room with my pompous cousin or Franco.
         MICHAEL:  Wanna start a We Hate Nikolas and Franco club?
         SAM:  Thanks but no thanks.   I'm too busy worrying about my mom and mourning the loss of her principles, yet feeling like a hypocrite for doing so.
          MICHAEL:  Well, Julian's an asshat, but he IS your dad.   I can relate.   There was a time I thought my dad was an asshat for killing my bio-dad, who, for a long time I thought HE was the biggest asshat of all.  My dad and I are tight again, but I'm still divided between my Quartermaine self and my Corinthos self.   We could totally be doing shots right now, but I'm still having stroller tipping flashbacks.


         ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

         JASON:  If I can't drive the van, maybe I can use my superhuman strength to lift it.   Who am I kidding?  I need a jack.
         HALLUCI-HELENA:  What?  Were you expecting a grease monkey to hand you a jack?   Such laziness is most unbecoming of my solider boy.
         JASON:  I should have known.   Get lost you diabolical deadly-yet-actually dead diva!   Nice legs, by the way.
         HALLUCI-HELENA:  Rumors of my demise HAVE been exaggerated in the past.   Let that be a warning to you, Soldier Boy.
         JASON:  I saw you die Hellz-A-Bellz.   Ergo, you are most certainly dead.
        HALLUCI-HELENA:  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   So physically skilled, yet so unfortunately gullible.   Do you believe EVERYTHING you see on Cassadine Island?
         JASON:  Speaking of Cassadine Island, what in the name of the Sad Robe Store did you do to my son Jake?   Even FRANCO is freaked out by the kid and that's truly disturbing.
        HALLUCI-HELENA:  I can assure you, Mister Morgan, that I have NEVER worn a sad robe.
        JASON: Do you have any mysterious Cassadine pain relief potions on you by any chance?   It feels like Satan is driving nails into my headspace.
         HALLUCI-HELENA:  That is your mind resisting The Conditioning.
         JASON:  Dr. Drake removed my "conditioning".   I should know.  I had a maxi pad stuck on my forehead for two months.  Then it was downgraded to a pantiliner.
         HALLUCI-HELENA:  I am nothing if not thorough.   Who's to say there isn't more where that came from? 

        
            MYSTERIOUS BLUE Q ROOM

         SAM:  Maybe we'd all be better of if Daddy Julian was in the clink.   Wait, wasn't that what my mom said about Jason?
         MICHAEL:  But Jason was a GOOD mobster who only killed BAD mobsters.    Just like my dad.


           ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

       HALLUCI-SAM:  Jason, don't listen to that curse-spewing maybe-dead Maleficent.   You can save Dante and you can be whatever Jason you want to be. 
       HALLUCI-HELENA:  (rolls eyes)  Oh, the TEDIUM!
       JASON:  I must have a fever of 250 right now.   My head is about to explode!  MAKE IT STOP!
       HALLUCI-HELENA:  Rockabye Jason, lay your head down.   Your memories, nowhere to be found.   Go to sleep now, it will ease the pain.   When you wake up, nothing will remain.
        JASON:  Sam, you gotta let me know.  Should I stay or should I go?
        HALLUCI-SONNY:  Why don't you stay-ay-ay!   Just a little bit longer!
        JASON:  I really am hallucinating now.   Sonny's SINGING!   Is this some sort of twisted musical based on my life?  Is this the Nurses' Ball?   I'M SOOOOOO CONFUUUUUSED!
        HALLUCI-SONNY:  Oooh, you make me live!   Oh, you're my best friend!
        JASON:  Queen now.   Okay.   What's next, Sonny?   Bohemian Rhapsody?   Can you do the Fandango?
        HALLUCI-SONNY:  I see your true colors shining through!   I see your true colors, and that's why I love you.
         JASON:  Simon says, stop singing and help me rescue your kid.    I'll use this Rte 9 sign as a lever and you drag Dante out from under that big honkin' prison van, 'kay?
        HALLUCI-SONNY:  When you're lost and alone and you're sinking like a stone--
        JASON:  Dude, you're killing me.
        HALLUCI-SONNY:  Carry on!

       
         MYSTERY BLUE Q ROOM

       DANNY:  Bad news, Mom.   Annabelle 2.0 peed in Scary Aunt Tracy's closet. 
       SAM:  Holy SORAS, what's in the water in this ginormous mansion?   How old ARE you now, Danny?
       DANNY:  Duh, Mom!  I'm six.  Or maybe seven.   Isn't it weird how I got older and my brother Jake got younger?   We're practically the same age now. 
       SAM:  It's less weird than you might think, kiddo.   We live in a very strange town.
       DANNY:  At least I'm not too old for my mom to sing me a lullaby.
       SAM:  Um...Lullaby, and good night...and that's the only part I remember...

   
       ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

       JASON:  Ooof!  Ugh!   GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
       RTE 9 SIGN:  Here ya go, man.
       JASON:  Hey Dante, good news.   No Lieutenant Dan legs for you.   You're welcome.
       PRISON VAN:  KABOOM! 
       JASON:  ...And THAT happened...
       ALL OF JASON'S HALLUCINATIONS:  Nothing really matters.  Anyone can see.   Nothing really matters.   Nothing really matters.  To me.   Anywhere the wind blooooooows!
       JASON:  I could really use some morphine right now...