Liz vs. Haychel

     Liz and Hayden Barnes a.k.a. Rachel Berlin trade insults while Nikolas brings Sam back on the case to dig up dirt on his wife.  Paul reaches out to Ava, but is rebuffed.  Dr. Finn gets into it with Obrecht.  Tracy mistakes Jason for Edward.  Laura shows The Ouija Book that she found in the trunk at Wyndemere to Scott

   
       WYNDEMERE

          HAYDEN/RACHEL/"HAYCHEL":  But...but...but Nikolas, we LOVE each other, remember?   We got married by The Burger King in a faux Vegas castle!
           NIKOLAS:  Lies, Haychel! ALL LIES!!!   Our marriage was based on NOTHING BUT LIES!
           HAYCHEL:  Don't you get how tough it was to be the daughter of Bernie Madoff--I mean Raymond Berlin?   I mean, come on, you come from a line of psycho grannies and freeze-dried popsicles!
           NIKOLAS:  LIES!   All you told me are LIES!!!   You wouldn't know the truth if it shot you in the head at a mob-run garage!  

    
        TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

        TRACY:  Where's Dr. Finn?   I WANT MY DAMN DOCTOR!  NOW!!!
        DR. OBRECHT:  I am still filing ze paperwork for your Doctor Feen and his reptilian companion, Ms. Quartermaine.
     
    
       DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM

        DR. FINN:  Ooooooommmmmm!   Say it with me, Roxy!  Ooooooommmmmmm!   Who says service lizards can't meditate?  


     WYNDEMERE ATTIC

       LIZ:  O to the MG!   Hayden is Rachel Berlin.  Rachel FREAKIN' Berlin!  Can you believe it?
       LAURA:  Am I supposed to know who Rachel Berlin is?   Wait, isn't she Raymond "Faux Bernie Madoff" Berlin's daughter?
       LIZ:  Um, YEAH!   Nikolas is giving it to her real good!  What's up with that musty old book?
       LAURA:  It was in The Trunk that The Key opened.  A bunch of random letters were circled, like a ouija board or something.  Do you think Helena's trying to send me an encrypted message?
       LIZ:  Who knows?   I'm about to call the cops on Haychel.  Wanna come cheer me on?
       LAURA:  Hello?   Remember how Nikolas had Haychel SHOT?

  
      KELLY'S

      SAM:  Are we not the happiest divorced couple EVER?
      DANNY:  What does divorced mean?
      JASON:  For me and your mom it means we get a do-over.
  

      WYNDEMERE

      LIZ:  Look who's BUSTED!!!!
      HAYCHEL:  Look who's popped three bastard BRATS outta her hoo-ha!
      LIZ:  Nikolas never loved you, HAYCHEL!   He never loved The Britch either.   The only woman he EVER loved was my bestie Emily.
      HAYCHEL:  Nikolas DID TOO love me!   He took me to Vegas and married me in a fake castle IN FRONT OF A COURT JESTER for crying out loud!   You know why?  Because he's a PRINCE, that's why!   You're too busy tattooing "TAKEN" on all the men you've slept with in this town.
      LIZ:  Face it, Hayden Rachel Haychel McMadoff, you and Nikolas are TOAST!   Pack your crap because when Nikolas comes back, he's kicking you to the curb JUST like he did to the Britch, only you won't have an wanted international terrorist on the lam to catch a boat out of town with.

  
   HOSPITAL

     AVA:  Screw you, Paul Hornsby!   You put a giant bullseye on my back!
     PAUL:  I also kept your sexy art-lovin' ass out of jail, so you're welcome.
     AVA:  I don't recall thanking you for putting my Kiki in harms way in front of 200 assault rifles.
     PAUL:  You need my PROTECTION, Ava.   From your own peeps.   Let me PROTECT you, Ava.
     AVA:  Um, NOPE!

  
  TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

    DR. FINN:  By the way, Ms. Q, if the meds don't kill the brain worms, the worms might kill YOU.  Just thought you'd like to know.
    TRACY:  Nice to see you too, Dr. Finn.   I thought your job was to DE-WORM my brain.
    DR. FINN:  I'll do the best I can, Ms. Q, but, well, there are an awful lot OF THEM up there.   Their rate of reproduction is astounding.
     TRACY:  Great, now they're getting their 50 Shades of WORM SEX on IN MY BRAIN!   Can't you feed them to your bearded lizard, or whatever it is the Mad Teutonic says you keep as a pet?
     DR. FINN:   Watch it, Ms. Q.  Roxie is my SERVICE LIZARD!


   METROCOURT ROOM

     NIKOLAS:  Sam, remember how I told you to cease and desist investigating my wife?   Forget I said that.   The investigation is back on.   I need to know everything there is to know about one Rachel Berlin.
     SAM:  THE Rachel Berlin?   The daughter of---
     NIKOLAS:  One and the same.   Alias Hayden Barnes.
     SAM:  I KNEW she was running a con.  I'm calling the cops.
     NIKOLAS:  Not so fast.   I kinda sorta mighta done something that just might land me in the slammer if Haychel is investigated.

  
     TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

       TRACY:  Daddy, I know I haven't been doing a good job keeping an eye on ELQ.  You'd be spinning in your grave if you found out that the family business is now in the hands of Nikolas Cassadine.
       JASON:  Um...it's okay, sweetie pie.   Do you want some milk and cookies before you go to bed?
      TRACY:  I have a plan to get ELQ back, Daddy.  I'm going to make you proud of me.   You see, there's this woman named Rachel...
       JASON:  Of course I'm proud of you, kiddo.   Now tell me more about this Rachel?
       SAM:  As in Rachel "Hayden Barnes" Berlin?
       JASON:  Don't mind me.  I'm just pretending to be the grandfather I don't remember having.

  
      HOSPITAL LOBBY

      DR. FINN:  You let me treat Tracy or I'll have this place shut down for medical negligence.   You let some idiot doctor drill into the woman's skull when the diagnosis was RIGHT THERE ON THE MRI!   What competent doctor can't see WORMS ON THE BRAIN?   Perhaps you might benefit from my protocol yourself, Dr. Obrecht.
     DR. OBRECHT:  You vill NOT shut down ZIS HOSPITAL and I DO NOT have VORMS in my brain, you heah me, Dr. Feen?   ZERE ARE NO VORMS IN ZIS HIGHLY INTELLIGENT CEREBRAL CORTEX!
     DR. FINN:  All of this unpleasantness doesn't have to happen if you would just let me treat my patient without all of that obstructionist paperwork in the way.  Oh, and I need an office with the thermostat set to 85 degrees.  Roxie needs to get out more.   Being stuck in a hotel all day is detrimental to her neurological development and I need my service lizard operating at full capacity at all times, Dr. Obrecht.

  
   PAUL:  Son, how is your mother doing with her brain worm thing?
   DILLON:  At least it isn't cancer, but the doc said the worms could still kill her if they have too much sex in her brain.  Or something like that.
   PAUL: Can I see her?
   DILLON:  Well, at the moment she's confusing Jason with our grandfather, so maybe she'll mistake you for someone she actually likes.  On the other hand, why chance it?

 
   KELLY'S

      SCOTT:  What are you doing with one of my old law school books from the '70s?
      LAURA:  Helena has turned this book into some kind of twisted ouija board and I'm trying to crack the code.   How could she have gotten your old law textbook in the first place?
      SCOTT:  One of her goons probably got it for her off of eBay.   What?  I had to do some spring cleaning way back when.
      LAURA:  If I recall correctly, Helena didn't give a rat's patooty about you, Scott.  She was too busy with her truly demented obsession with Luke.   So why leave me The Key to The Trunk containing The Ouija Book?
      SCOTT:  Well, it turns out, one dark and stormy night in the not-quite-so-distant past, Helena and I... 
      LAURA:  Don't go there, Scott.  I BEG OF YOU, don't go there.
  

   DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM

       DR. FINN:  Hey Roxy you might want to close your eyes.   I know how you feel about needles. You know what they say.  Physician, heal thyself...