Soap Operas: Because telling the truth is SO overrated! Dante and Ava separately confront Sonny on his lie about being able to walk again. Nathan covers his tracks when the subject of dogs and Claudette comes up again. Tracy concocts a tale to mollify Paul and Dillon while Doc Martin House has no clue what's causing her brain to go on the fritz. Sam confesses that she liked the old Danger Jason.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
NINA: Welcome home, Jay!!! Do you like my sign? I even invited myself to spend the night! What better way to recover than to have a slumber party with your big sis?
NATHAN: Thanks, Nina, but no thanks. I'm not sure my girlfriend's down with the idea of having her boss over for a sleepover.
NINA: Okay, I get that whole no fraternizing with the employee thing. What's with the stuffed poodle?
MAXIE: My mom got that for him so he could remember his childhood pet poodle.
NINA: Um, Mittens was SO not a poodle!
MAXIE: MITTENS? Nathan, you've got some 'splainin' to do!
CHAPEL
SONNY: Yo, God! Can a mobster have a quick word with you? Look, I know you frown on this organized crime thing, but I gotta ask ya to please keep my kiddos safe. Oh, and make Morgan take his meds, no matter what Little Morgan says.
DANTE: Sorry to interrupt your meeting with The Almighty, but what gives? Where's the chair?
SONNY: I'm cured, Dante! Didn't you get the memo?
DANTE: Just like that?
SONNY: This is Port Chuckles after all. People come out of friggin' COMAS looking like they just took a catnap. FINE, I was laying low to lull my enemies into complacency. Is that such a bad thing?
HOTEL IN PHILLY
SAM: I remember when you were the sexiest Danger Boy I ever met. Your badassery knew no limits. Spinelli didn't call you Stone Cold for nothing.
JASON: So do you like Danger Boy better than Amnesia Boy With New Face?
SAM: You know what's weird? I always felt so safe with Danger Boy. He was dangerous to everyone BUT me. And Sonny, of course.
JASON: So, Danger Boy made you feel safe. Is that an oxymoron? Am I an oxymoron?
SAM: I understand if you still have questions about your Jasonness, Jason. Your badassery will come back. It's just like riding a motorcycle.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. MAYS/DOC MARTIN HOUSE: Ms. Quartermaine, your scans show that you have lesions in your brain. Further tests are needed.
TRACY: What kind of lesions? Dementia? Brain tumor? Mad Cow Disease?
DOC MARTIN HOUSE: What part of "further tests are needed" did you not understand, Ms. Quartermaine? Perhaps lack of comprehension is a symptom of whatever disease I shall find upon further testing.
OUTSIDE ICU
AVA: I want the flash drive back.
PAUL: No can do. I'm legit, remember. I was only PRETENDING to be a mobster. What kind of D.A. would I be if I handed a key piece of evidence over to the perp?
AVA: Is that what I am to you, Paul? A perp?
DILLON: Dad, I heard how you busted up a gun deal and that you were working on the right side of the law. I might resent you just a tiny bit less now. Hi Ms. Jerome. I hope Kiki gets better.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
MAXIE: So, about "Mittens"...
NATHAN: She was the dog I had BEFORE Claudette. I had a lot of dogs, Maxie. Nina was already in the coma by the time Claudette came along.
OBRECHT: Guten Tag, Nassan! I come bearing German macaroni and cheese. Ozzervise known as Schnitzelkraut. Vat are you doing viss zat silly stuffed poodle?
NATHAN: Long story, mother. We can't let that weiner schnitzel get cold now, can we.
OBRECHT: It's schnitzelKRAUT, Nassan.
NINA: It smells like German food in here. Now I know why. Hi Auntie Liesl.
OUTSIDE ICU
PAUL: What brings you here, son?
DILLON: I was trying to find Aunt Monica because my mom's having seizures.
PAUL: Tracy's having seizures? Like real ones?
DILLON: So far only one big one, at the Floating Rib. Something's going on with her brain and I'm freakin' out here.
HOTEL IN PHILLY
DANNY: Can you read me my book?
JASON: Is it another truck book?
SAM: No, he's moved on. This one is about four brothers and some king. If you ask me, it sounds kinda Cassadine-y, but at least it's a change of pace.
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
AVA: Thanking the man upstairs for his miraculous healing powers?
SONNY: You're welcome.
AVA: Remind me again, what am I thanking you for?
SONNY: Hello? Rising like a phoenix from my chair and kicking Dixon's ass and saving your sorry life, along with Kristina's and everyone else's lives in that church, THAT'S WHAT! By the way, thanks for bringing that dangerous gunrunner here in the first place, AVA!
AVA: It's not like I even KNEW the guy until he showed up here. And now Kiki is the one paying the price.
MAXIE'S APARTMENT
NATHAN: Maxie knows, sort of.
OBRECHT: About vat?
NATHAN: Claudette. When I was high as a kite on the joy juice, I declared my love for her and Maxie heard me. I told her Claudette was my pet poodle and she bought it.
OBRECHT: I am tickled pink zat you aah confiding in your mutter. You must never tell Maxie ze trooss about Claudette. Ze trooss must stay between you and your mutter, Nassan.
FLOATING RIB
NINA: So, are you and Nathan thinking of getting a dog? That might not be a bad idea for me and Franco. First a dog, then a baby. One step at a time.
MAXIE: Nathan and I aren't getting a dog. He was just telling me about some poodle he had called Claudette. But it was after you were already...well, you know.
NINA: In the coma. Yeah, 20 year comas are a real bummer, but hey, some miraculous recovery, right?
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DILLON: Do you they know what's wrong yet, Mom?
TRACY: What's HE doing here?
DILLON: Well, he IS kinda my dad and all.
PAUL: Believe it or not, I sorta kinda care about you, Tracy.
TRACY: PFFFFFFFFT!
DILLON: Well, are you going to tell us what's up?
TRACY: My brain's being remotely controlled by Ted Cruz. And I thought Helena Cassadine was psycho!
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
AVA: Great, what am I supposed to do now? Babies aren't allowed in the ICU. They might start pulling wires and unplugging machines.
SONNY: Come to papa, Avery!
AVA: How do I know you won't hop on a plane to New Zealand with my baby girl?
SONNY: Who needs planes when my teleporter is back from the shop? Kidding! I'm not taking my baby daughter halfway across the world when I have a son in the psych ward being forcibly medicated against Little Morgan's will?
AVA: Fine, but just until Kiki springs up out of that bed doing cartwheels.
AVERY: (translated from Baby) Who dat? My daddy's in a funny chair with big wheels.
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